The main disadvantages of a civil marriage. Why is it worth formalizing a relationship? Is a civil marriage a lack of confidence in a partner or in yourself? Conversation with a psychologist Legalize the relationship

• People lie most often in the afternoon, study found

DatsoPic 2.0 2009 by Andrey Datso

Recent opinion polls confirm the dynamics of an increase in the proportion of couples living without marriage registration.

The reason for the increase in the number of civil marriages is caused by the desire to avoid responsibility for each other, for joint children, solving property issues, which are inevitably resolved upon entering into an official marriage.

Opinion polls have shown that a stamp in a passport is most often desirable for women. The future stability of the relationship, further planning of joint goals, formalized parentage for children and insurance in case of divorce are associated with the official registration of marriage. For men, formal marriage is a kind of threat to personal freedom, property and financial risks in case of divorce, and a large share of responsibility. As statistics show, the need for marriage is most often recognized in the case of the birth of joint children.

This approach to marriage deliberately lays in the subconscious mind the possibility of divorce, if problems arise in the marriage. Avoiding problems and unwillingness to seek compromises further aggravate the stability of the institution of marriage. In fact, cohabitation cannot be called a serious relationship, because the door is always open in them.

The main reason for marriage is most often called "mutual love". However, if the future spouses are confident in their feelings, there is no reason for negative thoughts about a possible divorce. An easy attitude towards a possible divorce among modern couples leads to the loss of the ability to seek and find compromises, to understand each other, which is necessary for a strong marriage. Sociologists talk about other, real reasons for marriage. Only 75% of women in a happy marriage named love as the reason for marriage, for 14% of the respondents, the reason was sympathy, the rest of the respondents named the desire to get rid of loneliness and a short-term hobby at all. Women from unsuccessful marriages only in 27% of cases named love as a reason for marriage, another 17% married out of sympathy. The proportion of women who wanted to get rid of loneliness, who got married for a short-term hobby, or who found it difficult to answer at all is significantly higher in unsuccessful marriages. Of the men surveyed, the answers were received in approximately the same ratio, while about 25% of the respondents found it difficult to answer.

Some psychologists give advice to young couples, before getting married, to try themselves in a civil marriage. This approach is designed to a greater extent for those who avoid family life and responsibility for the family. As a positive result of a civil marriage, in their opinion, the registration of relations in the registry office will be. However, practice shows that getting used to unobtrusive informal relationships contributes to the fact that a man and a woman postpone the decision to marry again and again, believing that in the current situation everything suits them and there is no need to change anything. At the same time, the essence of living together is lost - taking responsibility for your family, mutual understanding and respect. In the event of any life changes, civil marriage will be the first to fail.

Regularly conducted studies show that a man living in a common-law marriage most often, when asked about marital status, will answer that he is free. At the same time, the woman will answer that she is married, which indicates her serious attitude towards the issue of marital status. In addition, in the event of a break in unlawful relations, a woman with a child cannot expect to receive alimony or half of the jointly acquired property.

Taking into account all the prevailing factors, a compromise option is more preferable - at the beginning of cohabitation, immediately stipulate the possibility of further registration of relations and determining the approximate time frame for making a final decision. But in any case, formal marriage should remain the ultimate reference point for all couples.

In modern world? For what purposes do people marry today? The answers to these questions are found in the significant variety of thoughts of each person to whom they are addressed. Having their own calculation, their expectations in a personal individual understanding of the reasons for striving to tie themselves by family ties, modern people, often hastily make decisions of a unilateral order. We'll live like this for now, and we'll see. In other words - at random, letting everything go by itself. Today this form of relationship is commonly referred to as "civil" marriage. That is, relationships that, by and large, do not bind and do not burden partners. And what is the factor that keeps them close? It is a sex drive that plays a primary role in building relationships between a man and a woman.

When getting married according to the "civil type", very often "newlyweds" do not even think for a second that they have already lost what they have not yet acquired - these are relations that are strengthened by law. It just doesn't get to them. After all, the only common interest in a "civil" marriage is sex, by and large. And if something does not suit you, then what is there to be fooled about - packed up and goodbye. And what is there to waste time on trifles? No one owes nothing to nobody. Is not it?

What makes people legally marry in such a situation? One of the most common reasons for this action is an unplanned pregnancy. Reactions to this news can be very varied. Some are happy, some are scared, etc. But let's look at the situation in a positive way.

Reconciled and reconciled completely. We got married. This time already legal. By the way, as we can see, it is also not planned. It would seem that the child is the very common thing that should unite the family and force to resolve all disagreements and misunderstandings between the spouses.

But it was not so, it turns out. As the everyday life of our life shows, the child is at the mercy of all the contradictions that arise in the newly created family.

Getting married: why legalize a relationship?

Based on the knowledge and discoveries that the newest and exact science of the human psyche, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, is sharing with us today, we are able to understand that sexual attraction is not the only factor that forms the legalized relationship between a man and a woman upon marriage. If a young couple is sexually attracted to each other, then of course, this is the main sign that yes, you can be the perfect couple. But you cannot build a long-term relationship and live life together with a person on only one attraction. Since the unconditional sexual attraction between a man and a woman lives up to three years. This is the necessary period in order to have time to get married.

Experiencing an interest in each other on a sexual background, and at the same time being in a legal relationship, young spouses have all the prerequisites for creating strong emotional ties that will not let their marriage collapse even after their mutual sexual desire has weakened. Since a stable and mutual emotional connection is a source of mutual understanding, finding common interests, intellectual kinship, which in turn interdependently constitutes a full-fledged harmony of family life.

When we legally marry, we are at the same time limiting ourselves by law, just as it happened with our primitive human ancestor. We became human only thanks to the first laws. So, in the sense, legalized marriage is still the foundation of a full-fledged family. If you are in a family, observe the law in order to preserve its integrity. If you do not comply, it means you are not in the family, so there was no family. That is, to enter into a civil marriage does not mean creating a full-fledged family, even if a child has appeared. Modern society is a person and a law. By losing the law, we are losing the state. The woman wants to belong. A man to own. These desires are realized by a legal marriage.

Getting married: reasons for disappointment

But today there are also other reasons that are destroyers of family happiness. The main one is that we are used to identifying other people solely by their external manifestations. For example, there is a personable-looking man, richly dressed, neat and tidy. The woman will look and think to herself: “This is how handsome and wealthy,” and decides to create a relationship with him. And he will turn out to be just a sexual user, which changes sexual partners like gloves. Today one, and tomorrow another. Representatives of the skin vector are prone to such actions.

Or another example: a decent anal man, whose main life values ​​are home comfort, family, children - that is, an exemplary family man who married a skin-visual woman who does not at all strive to have children, being by nature not giving birth. She has no maternal instinct. She doesn't stay at home. This is the only type of women who have their own specific role. Her desire is to be in sight, to look at new "pictures", that is, everything is new and beautiful. All men want it. Stranger among women and own among men. Best for all children in the area, but never gave birth to her own.

System-vector psychology shows that a man is attracted by a woman with an opposite set of vectors. It is given by nature so that opposites complement each other.

Before striving to get married today, you need to understand that the psyche of a modern person is structured in a complex way. The average set of vectors is from two to five. And depending on the temperament, level of development and implementation of vectors, certain life scenarios are created. As an individual, as well as in a couple and society. This is the fundamental reason for understanding the internal properties of another person.

By getting married, and understanding our soul mate from the inside, we get a solid foundation for building family relationships. Today it is no longer necessary, having acquired a bad experience, to rush again to a new extreme, leading to new disappointments. System-vector psychology is a modern tool that serves to understand oneself and the people around them by their inner content. And from this it follows that a systematic approach gives us all the prerequisites for the preservation and development of an integral, qualitatively understanding the world around, society.

Get married: family and children

Surviving at all costs and continuing oneself in time is the principle of human existence. From primitive communities to modern society. Children is our future. It has been and always will be. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan defines the inner qualities of a person as unconscious, mental - a hidden set of desires set by nature. And in each innate vector this set is different. From birth, a person is given properties that correspond to their desires and the possibility of their high-quality realization in the future. This is all set, but not provided.

With each generation, the psychic increases in volume. And each new generation of people is fundamentally different from us in the strength of their desires. Therefore, entering into marriage, a great necessity, in addition to understanding each other, is the understanding and difference between the internal properties of the future generation - their children. After all, it is possible to develop the talent of a little person only by accurately identifying him. The modern generation of children is endowed with a very large volume of the psyche, which at the same time is vulnerable and vulnerable to external factors.

It is important to understand the inner aspirations of the little person and direct him to their development. A person realized in his properties is the key to the success of modern society. If a child is born and matures in a dysfunctional family, then this often causes irreversible damage to his mental development. For example, a child with a potential sound vector is a genius. And with improper development, he can get autism, schizophrenia, become a drug addict or even commit suicide. Potentially, a leather worker is a legislator, a talented engineer, or a pathological thief, with a scenario for failure, with erroneous development.

And vice versa. By systematically understanding the psyche of a child, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to disfigure it. Having entered into marriage, having behind us a unique store of knowledge that system-vector psychology provides today, we are guaranteed to be able to ensure a happy future not only for our marriage and children, but also for the qualitative development of the entire society, which, more than ever today, needs to eliminate psychological illiteracy.

The article was written using materials from trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Question to psychologists

Hello! I have such a problem. I have been dating a man for 6 years now. He is divorced, I am divorced. My daughter is 12 years old. He has a girl and a boy of 13 and 9 years old. Children live with their mother. We have a very trusting relationship. We are close friends. We communicate by phone every day, we can talk for hours. But we only meet once a week, on Saturdays. Both he and I work in responsible positions. I live in a microdistrict, it is in Ahmedli. Sometimes I really miss him a lot as touch is so important to me. You just want to hold his hand, or inhale his smell. It is calming. But he resist, he says, we will often see each other, we will get bored. He does not speak to his wife, hates her, communicates with children. He loved her very much, but now he hates her. She burned all the bridges. But he still has a phobia. Almost every day he says that all married people are unhappy. I would like to legitimize our relationship. But I'm afraid too. I have a lot of responsibilities. And it will be difficult for me to look after him. I myself do not know what I want. I am depressed by the fact that we are meeting in secret, my daughter knows, because he comes to us, but if my parents and brother find out about this, they will not forgive me. I do not like that I am hiding something from them. Plus, my daughter is already an adult. Until now, I explained his arrival to her, as if his mother was leaving for the dacha, and he was bored alone. But what to do next. She's in her teens, everyone can understand. I'm 43 years old. I'm a civil servant. He too. I think this state of affairs is unacceptable to us. Sometimes I take offense at him, but I do not pretend. For him, only work is important. By this he self-asserts himself. Somehow at the beginning of the relationship, he said that remember, we will never get married. Marriage will kill all our beautiful feelings. I do not know what to do. To accept and live like this, I simply have no other choice. We are very attached to each other. He is not very verbose, but once admitted to me that he could not imagine his life without me. This was his first and last confession. But on the other hand, he is very attentive and caring. Every morning he wakes me up so that I am not late for work. Calls very often, ate, slept, etc. We have a very unusual, but excellent relationship. I like our love psychologist. What do you think of us?

Received 2 advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: What to call our relationship?

Hello Samira?

We have a very unusual, but excellent relationship. I love our love. I am interested in your opinion as a psychologist. What do you think of us?

I congratulate you, you love and are loved, and this is the most important and important thing in the life of two. You love and value your relationship. Continue to love and appreciate it. Life is so arranged that, losing something, gaining something, the main thing in life is not to miss something that is more valuable and most important. In this case, the most valuable thing is your relationship and respect for each other!

He does not speak to his wife, hates her, communicates with children. He loved her very much, but now he hates her. She burned all the bridges. But he still has a phobia. Almost every day he says that all married people are unhappy.

He had a very difficult divorce, which left a huge wound in his heart, most likely this wound is still bleeding, which is why he is afraid to tie himself by marriage. You need to study him and accept him as he is, because you love him and your feelings are mutual!

I am depressed by the fact that we are meeting in secret, my daughter knows, because he comes to us, but if my parents and brother find out about this, they will not forgive me. I do not like that I am hiding something from them. Plus, my daughter is already an adult. Until now, I explained his arrival to her, as if his mother was leaving for the dacha, and he was bored alone. But what to do next.

My dear Samira, you described the situation, wrote about your wonderful feelings, about those feelings that you need to talk about, and not hide. You, as a 15-year-old girl, are afraid not to understand what you are hiding. I understand that we live in a country where it is customary that if a woman is divorced, then she should bury herself! By no means, it should not be so, grow up at last! Start with your daughter, she is already big, talk to her on an equal footing, as with a friend, tell us that you have a man, that you love him. Give her information in portions, she will understand and support you, and then the rest of the relatives.

I want to tell you and help you so much, but alas, this is not possible through a computer! So contact me, I will help!

Be a strong woman, fight for your happiness!

Abasova Parvane, psychologist in Baku

Hello Samira!
Yes, this state of affairs is not normal. A woman who respects herself, especially in an oriental society, will not meet in this way, because otherwise her close ones, relatives, acquaintances and even neighbors will think that this man does not respect her, if he is not ready to marry, which means she is a woman of easy virtue. And your fears are quite reasonable. The same goes for the daughter. Yes, such an example of a mother who has such an incomprehensible relationship would be quite a normal example of such a relationship, and this is not good. I'm not moralizing now. It's just that the values ​​of our society are such that the most valuable thing in a woman is her moral purity. If we move away from the mentality, then it is obvious to me that these values ​​are important for you as well. And your man thus erases these values. Which cannot but cause indignation and anger.
Just this can kill your relationship - "Sometimes I take offense at him, but I do not pretend", because suppressing resentment you move away from him and your passion decreases. Your need for a secure relationship with your man is perfectly normal and natural.
In general, this problem is, as you correctly said, "a phobia" and a failed belief that "marriage will kill all our beautiful feelings", which spoils life for him and for you. Perhaps by marriage, he is afraid of just losing you and your

Now you can freely exchange feelings and not be ashamed of your friends or relatives. Moreover, relatives and relatives now cannot express claims against your relationship, they are legal and, on the contrary, should help you equip your family nest.
As you know, marriage implies an obligatory sense of responsibility. It will manifest itself in the form of care, attention, support.

Constant sex

The most pleasant plus of marriage can be called constant sex, and more opportunities will appear to have it. It is also a man's job to pamper his wife with gifts. Now his duties include giving money for food, clothes, a new coat is no exception.

True, for a marriage, you will have to jointly coordinate important purchases for the family and joint travel. But if there is a stamp in the passport, then it is much easier to beg for a vacation with your husband. Having a spouse frees you from hard work around the house. It's nice when there is an owner in the house. A mark in the passport will help in passing many instances. For example, if you have to go to the clinic at the place where the spouse is registered. It's also nice that you don't have to worry about the future of your children if you have a loving husband. And loneliness is not scary. Always loving people will be there.