How to survive parting with a loved one? Psychotherapist advice. Male mistakes after breaking up Get rid of reminder things

04.07.2020

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I understand that this is really unexpected advice. But in fact, all recommendations to start new businesses, do good, take up a career, have a cat, a lover, fleas are just ways to distract yourself. Let's take it as a fact: you broke up, you may feel good, bad, awful, great from this. But you still live. And live.

At every moment when you want to crawl under the covers, hide, wake up, when this is over - live. Say to yourself: “This is me, this is my face, my body, my work, my children, my cats, my dogs. I do not disappear because someone left or something ended. I still have it. I live". Don't take sensitivity away from yourself - face pain too. Society and the world teach us not to touch what hurts, but numbness is the same paralysis: the less you feel, the less you live.

Accept your own "stupidity"

You will be given a lot of advice: don't call him, call him, tell her, don't tell her, make a hundred dates, have a drink, buy a new dress, get a new haircut. And you will behave illogically. Perhaps even in a way that you yourself consider unnecessary and wrong. You call him, don’t call him, don’t tell her, tell her, don’t make a date, don’t get drunk (get drunk), don’t buy a dress or cut your hair. With a difficult parting, the sights are knocked down and for some time decisions are made under the influence of the moment, and not a qualitative study of the current conditions. Accept this.

If you feel bad, don't be afraid

Yes, you feel bad and there is no other reality. You are suffering, crying, praying. If a loved one was important and good, it should be bad. When you lose a hundred rubles, you get upset, and when you lose someone important, it would be rather cynical to shake things up and move on. But it does mean that you had something of value. You can, of course, cry here and say that "now no ...". And cry. But it was. Over time, this fact will become more important. The sooner you start to appreciate it, the better.

Write a list

All psychologists recommend writing lists, why am I worse? For example, "11 of my favorite socks of the ex" or "17 plans for the future without this goat." Write any list - his or her merits, demerits, pluses, minuses, just some extraneous list - shopping, for example. Make an estimate for the renovation of the parents' dacha, finally.

Okay, this is almost a joke point. But if you love making lists, be sure to. Because structuring the situation helps to cope with chaos and high levels of feelings: when we make lists, the analytical part of the brain works more. In addition, a repair estimate will always come in handy.

Ground yourself

With strong feelings, a person seems to soar - stands on his toes, does not breathe, does not feel his body. Exhale. Stand firmly on your feet. Feel your body. Remember your name, how old you are, what education you have, what food you loved most as a child.

Know: there are no irreplaceable

Think back to your good experiences before and without this person. There are no such? Can not be. But what about that favorite food in childhood? You have lived without this person for many years: you went to the park with friends, skipped math, got two marks, earned money.

Maybe life or meeting with this particular person is the best thing that has happened to you at the moment. But not the only good and certainly not the only good that will be in your life. At least if you decide so.

Go to therapy

No, really. Go to a psychologist, tell him everything, cry, be angry, find a connection with your mom, dad and what your grandmother (great-grandmother) experienced during the war. Maybe this is your family scenario? A self-fulfilling prophecy? Narcissistic trauma? Separation failed? An addiction complicated by depression and binge eating disorder? Maybe you are generally the sickest person in the world? And you think it's all because of unhappy love.

But seriously, psychologists are such special people who exist to help those who feel bad. They study for 15 years to sit right next to you and talk about what is wrong. Probably not in vain.

Swear

And you can do it on me too, because, probably, if you have strong feelings, then any texts seem useless. Do not forget about your aggression, this is very important. Because there is not only pain, but also anger - that you are in such a situation, that he (she) is not smart enough (smart), for a thousand things.

Ask for help and support

A psychologist is good, but it’s even better if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, colleagues, classmates, parents, someone who can hold your hand at a particularly sensitive moment. Sometimes it may seem that you are all bored with your story, and it is scary to turn to someone again for help. But this is a very important occupation.

Hope

Maybe not even a new love. Just for something good: a trip to an interesting place, entering a university, changing jobs, a new season of your favorite TV series - in general, for something that will bring you joy. Try to restore your favorite activities, or at least just build yourself some kind of new but stable schedule. Hope and faith in the future is one of the foundations of recovery.

Our expert - psychotherapist Tatyana Nikitina.

Belated epiphany

“Suddenly” nobody leaves. In the heat, after a quarrel, at the peak of emotions, the man grabs his jacket and runs to a friend, the woman collects her bag and goes to her parents. In fact, such couples do not even think to separate - the percentage of reunions after such "family hurricanes" is very high. As you know, "the darlings scold - only amuse themselves": the ties between them not only do not break, but also become stronger. The main thing is not to turn something like that into a system.

According to forecasts, the most unfavorable (that is, putting an end to family life or existing relationships), departures are not made in a rush, but only on a sober, cold head. The decision has matured, all the pros and cons have been weighed, an escape plan has been prepared. The only thing left to do is to inform the now former half.

Often, psychotherapists hear from these very "former" the same phrase: "After all, everything was fine with us, what did he (she) lack?"

These words are repeated by an experienced housewife with a long experience of family life, and a young spoiled young lady, and a malicious jealous person, and a faithful husband, and a loving father. By the way, Anna Karenina's husband, who considered himself one of the latter, was sincerely surprised at his wife's ingratitude and asked himself the same question, not even realizing that his wife considered him a “machine” and she lacked such a little thing as ... Love. This textbook example once again proves how far people living nearby can be far from each other. That which for one is earthly happiness, for another is whimsy, licentiousness, something unworthy of attention.

We have to admit: parting does not happen due to a short-term insanity of one of the partners. There are good reasons for this, which for the time being the other half simply does not know. Alas, the one who does not listen to his partner enough and does not try to understand him (or he just has no time, and maybe not interested), one day he may find himself alone.

“I felt that we were not made for each other,” says Galina, a pretty, intelligent woman in her early fifties, “but we have children, a family, and I would never ruin our relationship. And he did it and went to another. "

The situation is typical. A woman most often strives to preserve her family, a well-established life, a familiar environment. A man is more inclined to experiments and even adventures, he is not averse to conquering new heights ... Therefore, if the relationship does not suit both in some way, he is the first to break.

Period or comma?

A short standard phrase sounded. And then - mental pain, shock, confusion, a sense of guilt ... And at the same time - resentment, anger, offended pride, especially when it turns out that the reason for the divorce was a love relationship with someone on the side. Those who have experienced a breakup at least once in their lives will surely call the moment after breaking up one of the most difficult periods in their lives. Without exaggeration, it can be considered a real mental trauma.

Sometimes in a protracted period, when mutual reproaches and misunderstandings accumulate, it seems to both spouses that the best way out of the impasse is divorce, but even in this case, "drawing the line" can be very painful. What can we say about those who consider their relationship with a partner, if not ideal, then at least tolerant.

Many psychologists who work with married couples believe that the biggest mistake they make at the first moment after is trying with all their might - persuasion, threats, promises - to try to get him / her back as soon as possible. At first glance, this ill-considered, impulsive movement seems to be correct, because “the train has not left yet”, something can be changed, corrected. But this tactic works only in the case of a “blackmailer partner”, when the husband / wife is not going to go anywhere and scares away with a divorce if he wants to achieve something significant: the wife requires moving to an apartment separate from the parents, and the husband requires the wife to leave work and the birth of a baby. In the case of a thoughtful and pre-planned departure, neither tears nor persuasion will work, and threats can push you to even more decisive actions and will no longer leave you the opportunity to establish normal relations after a divorce.

Psychologist's advice: what not and what can you do after he / she leaves?

It is forbidden

Chase, start endless investigations - "why" and "who is to blame", cut off the phone, write messages and fill up the email inbox with letters, watch the street. Such activity will not lead to positive results. The one who is being pursued begins to feel like a “hunted down game”, so he tries to run away quickly and further away. Think about self-esteem and pride. Some "departed" sometimes reconsider their actions and return. Only more often do they return to those who do not forget about their own dignity.

Sprinkle ashes on your head and lock yourself in four walls, cherish your loss. It may well happen that what you think is the end will actually turn out to be the beginning of another relationship, much brighter and more significant. Wise people say: "When one door closes, another is sure to open."

Stop looking after your appearance. , and a hairdresser and beauty salon - on schedule. As well as a solarium, gym, swimming pool and more.

To take revenge for an insult, call his / her new passion, threaten or try to upset their relationship. Such actions will give the former lover another reason to assert the correctness of their decision to leave you.

Tell your friends, neighbors, colleagues nasty things about your ex. After all, they suited you when they were around.

Start a new romance immediately. Until you feel free from the old shackles of love, while your heart still belongs to him (her), you will not start a truly warm and lasting romantic relationship.

Can

Not to pretend to be a "snow queen" or "tough macho", but to live and feel the pain, resentment, longing. Let there be tears, do not be afraid and ashamed of them, they help to heal mental wounds.

Distracted. Work will help, which, as you know, "saves us from three evils - boredom, idleness and poverty."

Experiment. Many women advise to radically change the image, for example, turn a strict chestnut haircut into golden curls. Men choose other paths: one "ex-husband" after the departure of his wife completely changed the situation in the apartment.

Create. Have you ever dreamed of mastering the guitar or dancing flamenco, but never had enough time? The moment has come - sign up for courses immediately, find a dance studio. At first it will be difficult, but it is these difficulties that will distract from the experiences. And who knows, maybe soon you will compose a beautiful lyric song or express your love and hope in a dance.

Find those who need help: take toys to an orphanage, bring groceries to an elderly lonely neighbor, take your mother or grandmother to the theater.

Go on a journey. A change of scenery always helps to cope with stress and provides an invaluable energy boost. In addition, it is during distant wanderings that wonderful romantic relationships sometimes arise, which - who knows? - can grow into something more.

“Forgive and let go,” as the song says. You won't be able to do it right away, but time heals. The day will surely come when you will feel that you are letting go of the person who brought you joy and suffering. Simply because he does not belong to you, and you, no matter what, respect his choice and his right to live his life.

You need to understand that very rare relationships last your whole life!
Sooner or later, you may have some kind of discord or breakup, and you will part.
There should be an understanding that in this world, in principle, there is nothing so super stable that it would never leave and would not collapse.

Understanding this 1 counselor's advice on how to cope with breaking up with your loved one greatly reinforces your knowledge.

2. Find your favorite activity that you want to do and be passionate about completely and with great passion.

With regards to your life, in principle, finding your occupation that you want to do, you want to live and be passionate about - it strongly reinforces you emotionally and from all sides!
Having it, you will not be so much jarred and thrown into a panic at any loss, even if you broke up with your loved one.
Your favorite hobby, occupation, your own path, energy and passion invested in it - very much recharge you, give you a purpose in life, give you a feeling of pleasure and enjoyment from life.
Thanks to them, you forget about the gray everyday life, completely penetrate into the process, forgetting everyday trifles and breaks. You no longer worry about what to do if you are dumped or how to get over it.
Having severed the relationship, now you can completely immerse yourself in your favorite business and fully abide and grow with it further.
For example, it can be your projects, business ideas, events, your creativity, financial plans, hobbies and favorite sports. Who cares for what.

Always remember your favorite hobby and passion, put it in the first place now, and then you will no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to survive parting with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

3. Realize that relationships, in any case, cannot be a mission and a goal in life.

Social programming suggests that a supposed relationship- the most important component in life. That is, people make building relationships the main component of life. This is a very common thing that can be observed now.
She's so Hollywood and from the movies or from some secret childhood dreams. It occurs in both men and women. And if you do not get rid of this illusion, you will still need the advice of a psychologist on how to get over the breakup with your loved one.
There is another wrong belief in people.... People come to their soulmate as if under the bosom of a tree from work or study with the conviction "but here it will be good for me."
And if this happens in your head, then, as a rule, it does not justify the hopes.
Sooner or later illusions will collapse... To some extent, people can create this illusion for each other, then it all crumbles to smithereens.

Relationships are definitely important.

In them we can realize ourselves, let another person be realized, establish emotional contact with a partner, make our life and his life easier.

But in general they cannot be a mission.

Relationships in any case cannot be a mission in life!

Girls illusions

On the part of girls, such a thing is present in the head more often. And therefore, they often need help and various advice from a psychologist on how to cope with parting with their beloved man.

Girls elevate relationships to a higher rank, because they have such a biological factor as a family and a child.

The problem with you is that you had to distract yourself from clinging to a relationship and making it a goal in life.

This will only make you worse, because sooner or later the illusions will begin to break, and you will again think about what to do when your loved one left you.

4. Don't let yourself slip into an emotional hole after a breakup.

It is very important when such breaks occur. and the critical moments are not to let yourself slide into an emotional pit. Some people get depressed. You can talk about ways to get rid of depression. They can last not one day, but even a week or two. This can be very detrimental to you.
Emotionally, the problem can be very minor. But, for example, a man can slide emotionally into this gap so much that he will have a desire to go to the mountains, become a monk and do nothing else in this life, or go headlong into business, forgetting about women altogether.
Although in reality not everything is so serious... Anything can happen. Do not cheat yourself, do not make an elephant out of a fly, and know everything about how to survive parting with a girl after a long relationship or many years of marriage.

5. First, solve the psychological problem: do not go to extremes and run to look for a new partner.

After the breakup, you may get the feeling that supposedly you need to solve everything right now.

You need to solve problems as they come.

You don't have to decide everything at once.

First find harmony with yourself and solve the problem inside

If you have an unstable emotional state, depression, then first deal with it.

Some people go to extremes after a breakup and rather run to find a new partner.

And this will supposedly be the solution to the problem. This supposedly will close the questions about how to get through the pain of parting with a loved one.

Is this a solution?

What mistakes do people make?

People simply patch up their mental wound with a plaster, looking for a replacement rather than dealing with themselves.

This rush from one extreme to another does not end well.

Accept the state in which you are now, see it and say to yourself: “Yes, now I am not quite in harmony with myself after the breakup. Well, never mind, first I’ll solve this issue, and then we’ll see. ”

Remember this and no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to cope with separation from your husband.

6. What Your Brain Can Do To You: A Jaded Record Analogy

All your memories of past love when everything was good, it bloomed and smelled - it's just an appearance.
If that balance were preserved, then it would indeed be so. And so this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a worn-out record, which, moreover, has broken.
How is your brain joking with you? When you had a break and there were a lot of jambs that you don't even really want to remember, your brain throws this worn-out record to you.
You put this broken record in your head, where not an even melody plays, but an incomprehensible rattle, a pitiful semblance of a melody and some unpleasant sounds.
This record does not need to be repaired anymore!
You just need to find what you really need!
Don't even have to try to go back... It's not worth it.
Approach the situation soberly, and you will know all about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.

7. Let yourself go forever: there is nothing to decide, no need to cling

Let yourself be gone forever.

Understand that there is nothing and no one to allow.

Some of you screwed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.

As painful as it may be, give yourself the opportunity to leave for good.

Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.

Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.

Understanding this will close your worries about how to get over the breakup with your loved ones.

8. Make the choice to be cool and not needy, remove expectations

A needy person is one who does not cling to other people is inclined to give more than to receive and never expects anything from this life! Strive to be.
A person who is not in need does not think about what you will have in the future (even if there is a 99% guarantee, you do not tell others). You can say: "Yes, I have such plans ...". You’re going to do it, but you don’t live it.
You take what you have for the moment, but you never expect anything to happen in the future - good or bad. It's useless.
Those things that you can cling to in life can be so ephemeral and destructible.
Your reality should not be based on something external!

A person who is not in need does not need both things and people equally! The paradigm is that they are with them, but there is no fear of loss at all!

A person who is not in need never asks questions about how to live after a breakup.

A strong person is only glad that weak people themselves leave his life.

It's harder for a woman to live like that, but it's possible. Don't cling to people.

Women have a natural need for a man who will protect her, take care, they cling to men. This is their jamb!

On our website you can also on the topic of how to get rid of attachment and love addiction.

9. In the next six months or a year, completely change the perception of relationships.

After your breakup, do not immediately cling to a new person and do not try to make him yours right away for a very long time.
It should not be confused with not communicating with anyone and not getting to know anyone at all. No, you are still connecting and connecting with new people, enjoying the attraction between you.
But there should not be this desire to make a person his property for a long time.
You must remove the time frame where you will begin to unconsciously drive the person.
Live like this for the next six months at least after the break. Then, after six months, based on internal sensations, you can again return to a long-term relationship with one girl (man).

A subtle point to be implemented

Replace the desire to make the person your own for the desire to make them happy.

The best thing you can do for your partner is to allow him to live life to the fullest, and you will be there with him whenever he and you want it.

You still truly love your partner, but you are not trying to hold him back in any way.

You must live your life and give your partner complete freedom of choice.

Incorporate this perception and no longer worry about how to get over the separation from your lover or your secret passion.

Difference between healthy and unhealthy neediness

There should be no border and understanding that the person is yours.
And then you can always go further in terms of developing your spirituality, your level of happiness and harmony.
Yes, you may have a certain percentage of need for a new relationship, but this healthy need, - when you just want to see a person(no matter how you spend your time). You just want to be together.

10. Ask yourself: "Are your feelings and the image of your ex-partner real, or is this your subjective perception?"

Ask yourself questions:

Is it real that your ex-partner gives you some feelings, or is it your subjective perception that draws them that way, making him special?
If a guy's perception of his ex as “special”, “giving everyone love” and “making everyone feel better” was real, then why don't all guys perceive her that way?
Why does no other person on the planet with his ex-girlfriend feel better about it as a guy right now?

Answer

How a guy perceives an ex-girlfriend to be so cool is his personal subjective perception of a girl.

Except for him, no one else perceives her that way.

All other people see the same girl, the same appearance, the same face, but their health does not improve in any way!

And this is very important to realize in order to close the worries about how it is easier to get over the separation from your loved one.

You yourself draw an addition to the image of the ex, it does not come from him in any way

The guy is simply attached to those old emotions, tactile sensations and past pleasures that they gave each other. His perception draws her somehow special, as if she has a halo over her head.
The same can be said about former men, for whom women continue to dry unrequitedly. Your remaining love after the breakup is only your personal subjective appearance.
You yourself and your perception of feelings draw such an addition to the former person. This supplement itself does not come from your ex in any way.
This image, which draws your perception to you, does not exist in reality. Remember this and close all your questions about how to get over the pain of parting with a married man or someone with whom you would have to part sooner or later.

11. Your affection is tested for the feelings and sensations that you experienced with your partner, and not for the person himself

Realize that you are attached to the feeling, not to the person himself.

This feeling is drawn by your personal subjective perception.

Understand this, and it will become much easier for you.

Ask yourself:

Why don't you have this feeling about yourself?
Why does it arise only in relation to other people?

The answer is that you just don't love yourself.

People do not love themselves and, as a result, need outside help, ask a psychologist for advice on how to survive a breakup with a husband, boyfriend or female person.

12. Love yourself for real

When you truly fall in love with yourself, your total love will be much stronger than your feelings for your ex.

Your love for yourself will be the strongest and strongest. No feelings can absorb and bind you.

And then you will already forget about attachment to feelings, you will give more to this world.

And then people will start reaching out to you.

Now you know everything from psychology on the topic of how to cope with parting with your loved one, and you do not need any forums.

If you integrate these understandings into your life, then thoughts like “I'd rather move away after a painful breakup” in your head will no longer arise.

You will take a lot of pain and suffering out of the relationship and start looking at things more objectively.

This is your life, make the right choice!

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is a very important event, because it is only on the one hand the end of something. More importantly, breaking up is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is correct, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a more correct understanding of love. Parting has helped a colossal number of people become adults, loving and happy people.

Parting theme to the fullest. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the work of the site "Perezhit.ru". This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but it will help you structure and better assimilate the material.

1. Put a point

If the breakup happened, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person has left, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to the relationship that was.

The stories are different. Unfortunately, partings also happen in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that you need to put an end to it, I am not saying: lock the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. No! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with parting means letting go of the person. Recognize his right to make such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.

Theoretically, it is possible that after some time you both will change, and a meeting of you new ones may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.

But the people you are now could not be together. The path you followed came to this point. And with this point it ended. The person you are now must acknowledge and accept this.

If you have even a little love for this person, acknowledge his right to be free. Let go and bless him.

Say to yourself, referring to this person: “I am letting you go! Bless you!"

The cessation of attempts to return a person, the termination of hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for a successful experience of parting. Some cling to a person for months or years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.

Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further, the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is a good rule: "When leaving, leave!"

And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one to whom you are clinging, but quite the opposite.

2. Overcome obsessive thoughts

In most crisis situations, we do not suffer from the situation itself, but from false obsessions about it. "You will never meet as good as she is." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It is impossible to love someone like you." "I won't love anyone else so much" (this is usually the case for girls aged 15-18), "There is no need to live anymore." These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.

Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% - from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.

First of all, we need to realize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deception, tries to plunge us into despair and almost squeeze us out of the light. These thoughts are not generated by you! They came from outside to harm you. To accept the thought or not to accept it is in our power. If we accept it and begin to "chew", then it becomes, as it were, ours.

What do the psychologists of ladies' and also popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity to help you take your mind off your hard thoughts. This is as "wise" as advising a frontline soldier to turn his back on the enemy so as not to see his nasty face and do something else. Like, you don't see him, which means he is no longer there.

What about the fact that at this very moment he will hit you in the back with a bullet?

My advice is clear - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real way to deal with this enemy. Thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover will protect against. Thought can only be conquered by thought!

How to win?

Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some people hope to analyze something, to reason, to make a decision with the help of a discussion with the thoughts that overwhelm them. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and correct decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by fighting obsessive thoughts.

The only way to defeat false thoughts is to oppose them with true, good thoughts, clothed with the power of prayer.

To do this, you must, first of all, constantly monitor what kind of thought torments you. This is what I call - looking the enemy in the face.

Second, oppose this thought with the appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is the opposite of the thought that torments at the moment. Three or four short prayers are enough to "deal" with most of the obsessive thoughts in the situation of separation.

If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, murmur, or fear.

Typical thoughts are: “I will not love anyone else”, “I will not be so good with anyone else”, “My life no longer makes sense”, “How can I, poor thing, live now?”. Our most dangerous enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with mercilessly.

Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “For everything, Thy will. Let it be as you please! "

The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-coincidence of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, who wishes us all good, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our life and our soul. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still fall in love with someone, moreover, with a more perfect love.

If we are tormented by thoughts about the person we are parting with, or about the one who “took” this person.

Typical thoughts: “He's the best, you won't meet such a person again”, “I can't live without her!”, “How could I get him back”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that! "," I hate her, vile, for taking him away! How to take revenge on her? "

If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: "Lord, bless this person!" We put into this prayer the desire for goodness to man.

The psychological explanation is as follows. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. It is either an offense against a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom by tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire to be overtaken by misfortune for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And now, when we oppose these evil thoughts with a good thought, the evil thought is defeated.

There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we recognize that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that it is evil that is their goal. And as a result of such a prayer, you get not just good, but a double good: you get benefits from prayer, and the person for whom you are praying. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they leave you. Tested by many!

If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts directed to yourself.

False thoughts: "It is impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser", "You are to blame for everything, now if you had not made that mistake!"

Prayer: "Glory to God for everything!" If you are really to blame for something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive me!”.

Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.

Prayers of repentance: "Lord, have mercy!", "Lord, forgive!" pronounced without strain, in an even, dispassionate tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: "Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!" This will only harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and it is easier for him every minute.

I emphasize: the tone of all prayers should be even, no matter what storm rages inside us!

There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.

First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you are praying. Remember, God doesn't owe you anything. It is not his fault that you feel bad now. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depth of which, is an offense against God or an insolent demand, will not give anything.

This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, powerless suppliant. You are turning not to an indifferent official, but to a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.

Secondly, believe that they hear you, they can help you and will certainly help you. God is almighty, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear) and not a single word of yours is wasted.

Third, it is advisable to know as best as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is the "supreme intelligence." But Satan also fits the definition of "higher intelligence". Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - it is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean representing God in front of you, it is safe.)

You need to pray exactly as long as the attack on you of obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy fires at you from all sides. You fire three shots towards the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In despair, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.

Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing which thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to prayer, like a drowning man holding on to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.

Therefore - do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!

3. Forgive yourself and the other person

Common problems in a breakup situation are attitudes of resenting the other person or blaming yourself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.

Another person may be to blame for something in front of us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.

Firstly, we do not know exactly why this happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two may be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism at the material level), and the other - hidden (consumerism at the spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has his own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.

Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, like shackles shackle two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but yourself as well. And each of you carries with him his own piece of the chain - his share of responsibility.

How to forgive?

Tell him mentally: "I forgive you!" This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and will fully answer for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.

If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the above weapon of prayer: "Lord, bless him!"

If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.

Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deception, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.

The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: "I am bad," "I am not good for anywhere," "I am not worthy of love," etc.

The rational is healed by repentance. Take your share of responsibility by refraining from self-justification. Asking a person for forgiveness - real or mentally. Ask God for forgiveness. Work on fixing yourself so that you can become a different person who won't do this anymore.

The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is treated with prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.

4. Benefit, work on yourself

The common truth is known: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a "misfortune", but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated according to our needs and abilities, an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable for us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. After all, growing up, we become happier.

But growth doesn't automatically follow testing. As stated earlier, a challenge is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, have not grown. And you have to grow. Therefore, the next lesson will be tougher.

To pass the test, you must first of all come to terms. When you and I, overcoming the urge to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed "Glory to Thee, Lord!" - this was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, in the next tests we will not be so upset. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any challenge.

Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.

First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.

Second, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent are these goals worthy of you, do you need such goals?

Third, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person fit for each other and for this purpose? Was it possible to achieve this goal with this person? And did you know him enough to admit the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And with what person can you achieve this goal? And which person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or addicted? What harmful and useful skills have you learned from your parenting family and the relationships that preceded that relationship?

Fourth, if the goal was worthy and people were worthy, what mistakes were you admitted in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get a better result?

In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes to repent of. Your shortcomings to be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.

To get the third "income" from the test, put this piece of paper into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, fostering love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.

If you also find it necessary to work on your body, exercise is in any case good for you. Physical training associated with overcoming "I can no longer" not only make our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthen the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.

It is very important at this stage to put in front of yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, education of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.

Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year like lovers - even chaste. Because otherwise, the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on oneself, it can become overestimated. Both that, and another, interfere with a sober assessment of the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known when we unconsciously seek a replacement for the partner who left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.

Therefore, do not get hung up on the topic of love relationships! Don't worry about having nowhere to meet a good person! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush along on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day due to illness, he will make the wrong door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge social circle you will not be able to choose anyone.

If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has only one field of activity - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task in life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Because only a loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman living with dignity in celibacy after divorce.

5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy

Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state "I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me" feel more comfortable than in the state: "I was born to be happy, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not." This is due to infantilism (childishness), the insurmountability of some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of troubles when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.

The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. As at school he liked to lie in bed when he got sick, feeling sorry for himself and accepting the sympathy of others, so here he goes to bed with self-pity. Finally, something like a good reason for self-pity has been found. And in such a state after parting, a person, if desired, can remain for many years. But what's the point?

In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adults, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, both other people and ourselves need us. They are needed not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, capable of supporting and delighting others.

Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a serious trauma as the experience of the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, we need strong and joyful.

Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will start a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He gave us many abilities that it is high time to use.

6. Do good deeds

Good deeds are of particular importance in working on oneself. If the crisis has helped you to identify in yourself a tendency to love addiction, low self-esteem, selfishness or isolation, doing good deeds is the best medicine for you. Only this should be a real good deed, not a deal with the expectation of people's gratitude.

Archpriest Igor Gagarin

Psychologist Irina Karpenko

Ending a relationship, initiated by a man, is pain and stress. How to deal with a shock situation?

Had to end your relationship? Never get depressed, even if you are scared and hurt. Don't forget that any relationship is a great experience. You cannot immediately hate the entire masculine gender and “row one size fits all”. Here are 10 tips to take on board to deal with stress.

1. Express your emotions

Never mask resentment and suffering - cry well, have pity on yourself. Psychologists advise you to perform a real ritual: sit on the floor in the room and cry for several hours (you can sob). After that, the urge to cry should pass.

2. Get rid of things-reminders

To avoid even accidentally stumbling upon memories of a painful relationship, immediately delete everything about your ex. Revision of photos and SMS will only annoy and return you to a dull state. Be ruthless when parting with things that can somehow remind you of the abuser.

3. Do not contact your ex.

Ideally, not communicate at all. However, this is not always possible, for example, if you work in the same company or have to meet because of a child. In this situation, contacts are best kept to a minimum, as well as topics of conversation.

4. Move forward

No matter how much you want to lie in bed and suffer, force yourself to walk and go jogging. Yes, it will be difficult, but you will be provided with a positive result and emotional calmness with regular exercises. Never console yourself with alcohol or smoking. They will only aggravate the condition and develop only a sense of their own guilt. Drunkenness often leads to committing stupid acts, which you will surely regret later.

5. Communicate

There is no need to isolate yourself from society after parting with a young man. It will be more difficult to cope with the situation on your own. Better go to your friends, talk to relatives. Communication will help to distract from sad thoughts and get in shape.

6. Watch your appearance

Agree, if you look good, the reflection in the mirror will cheer you up, and compliments from the opposite sex will lift your self-esteem. Great if you decide to start exercising at the gym. This will not only give you good health and a great figure, you will also be able to communicate with the stronger sex. Remember, "a wedge knocks out a wedge."

7. Don't be offended by your ex

A lump of negative emotions in your soul will only harm you. Get rid of it and start a new life!

8. Develop a sense of self-worth and pride in yourself

If a girl values herself, she will not allow herself to offend, and suffering from past failure will not overshadow a bright future. A self-respecting and loving lady with her confidence will attract happiness, love and success!

9. Do what you love

Don't have a hobby yet? Parting with a young man will be a great reason to find your hobby. There are many examples in the world when women, after parting with a man, began a dizzying career. Your hobby will not only help you overcome depression, but will also allow you to win the attention of other men.

10. Plan for the future

Parting is often accompanied by a guilt complex. A woman thinks that in previous relationships she could often be more accommodating, look more beautiful and speak less harshly. Even if mistakes were made, they will help in future relationships. Keep a diary where you write down personal goals and desires for a month, a year, or the next couple of years. Next, write down even the smallest steps that will lead to your goal.

Solving any problem, you need to be able to look at it from a different angle. Parting with a man cannot be regarded as the tragedy of a lifetime. Try to find the positive aspects of this. Sometimes parting allows you to radically change your fate, and for the better.

Psychologists recommend: try to quickly get rid of the victim status. Let the first time after breaking up everyone wants consolation, this is normal, but do not let the blues drag on. Over time, the pain of parting will subside. Look around, the world is full of serious problems that are worse than breaking up with a man. Do charity work, help someone who is feeling bad now. Give your love to your loved ones, and you will understand that life is getting better!