The Thorny Years: How to Communicate with Teenage Children. Features of communication with a teenager If a teenager does not speak for a long time

08.11.2020

In the process of raising and developing a baby, communication plays an important, significant role. Parents teach the capricious child the rules of behavior in society, explain to him what can be done and what is categorically not allowed, together they overcome age crises.

The need for communication is one of the basic needs of a person, and if it is not satisfied, then he can grow passive, uncommunicative, lack of initiative and, in fact, very unhappy.

Communication with children of different ages has its own psychological characteristics and what is acceptable in a conversation with a daughter at the age of 13 will be inappropriate when the girl grows up and she turns 16-17, for example. Parents, of course, are not psychologists, but in order to understand the emotional, psychological and physical state of their child and to realize that communication with a teenager is different from communication with a three-year-old baby, they must educate themselves. It is especially difficult for a single mother to communicate with a boy, next to whom there is no father, no grandfather, or another authoritative man who could somehow influence him or, conversely, help to understand himself, find a common language with peers, protect yourself in critical situations.

For single mothers and simply caring parents, for more effective communication, it would be useful to:

read psychological literature;
be interested in the teenager's social circle;
communicate with teachers and, at least occasionally, with psychologists;
watch what they say and how they behave in the presence of their children.

Unfortunately, sometimes the words and actions of parents diverge, and in difficult adolescence such parents lose their authority and cannot cope with the problems that arise in the life of their children. It would be right to educate children by example and daily deeds. Practice has proven that this approach is more effective.

So how do you need to communicate with a teenager 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 years old, so as not to lose his trust?

Setting new rules!

Teenage problems and difficulties in communicating with a son or daughter can occur at any age, starting from about 11 years old. The period of growing up begins for each child individually. Only loving, understanding parents, who are accustomed to communicating with their child in a trusting manner, manage to survive this stage without much loss.

It should be noted that psychologists distinguish between younger adolescence, which usually occurs at 11-12 years old, and early adolescence or older adolescence, which is characteristic of 15-17 years. These age stages differ in some nuances in physiological development, but the basic principles of communication with adolescents remain unchanged.

Listen and try to hear. Never dismiss their problems, do not talk with children and in parallel with someone else on the phone, communicating in social networks. If a child has asked you a question, take a break from what you are doing, no matter how important this activity is to you.
Don't be wordy. Sometimes parents complain that their children ignore their requests for help, do not respond to questions, or pretend not to hear. A feature of adolescence can also be called the fact that adolescents do not like when they are given lectures. They are sorry to waste time and effort processing long, unimportant sentences. Sometimes, in order for your request to be fulfilled, it is enough to designate it with one capacious word: "cleaning", "garbage", "lessons".
Communicate in a friendly way. No one likes it when communication is conducted in a mentoring tone, and derogatory words and nicknames slip through the conversation. It is all the more important to maintain friendly relations and goodwill in communication when your offspring is in the maturing stage. A polite, quiet request will give you more than a raised voice with threats and accusations.
When planning a serious conversation, take some time to prepare. Sometimes you need to discuss serious problems or express complaints to a growing child, but never do it in a rush or when your son or your daughter is busy with something very exciting for them. Advise that you have a topic to talk about and set a time that is convenient for both parties.
Speak as equals. Remember that even a three-year-old toddler is a person with his own character and worldview, and even when conducting a serious conversation with a girl of 15 years old, you should definitely not forget about respect for the interlocutor.
Love, praise, hug. For some reason, some parents think that children at the age of 16 no longer need tender feelings and parental approval. Believe me, this is a delusion. Even we, adults who have achieved success and high social status, occupying a leadership position, are pleased to hear words of support from our parents. For adolescents, this is extremely necessary. They are very vulnerable and, despite the external adulthood and "thorniness", remain the same children in need of parental love, support and understanding.
Respect the privacy of teenagers. You should not be too zealous and establish total control over children 13, 14 years old, even if it seems to you that this will help save them from all troubles and misfortunes. Your distrust can destroy good relationships and build a wall of misunderstanding between you, which will take a long time to overcome.

Development features of adolescents: what parents should know about

Adolescence is characterized by significant physical changes, puberty and the search for a place in society. Adolescents are inherently contradictory, because when they feel like they are adults, they are not yet. The desire to be an adult, on the one hand, and material dependence on parents on the other, unstable emotional and hormonal backgrounds, and mood swings can lead to the development of teenage fears and even phobias. That is why parents need to be with their children at this moment in order to help them overcome a difficult age.

What should you pay attention to?

physical development (adolescents definitely need to lead an active lifestyle, do exercises, massage is shown to form the correct posture);
social circle (at this age, it is important that a teenager has friends with similar views on life and similar moral values);
emotional relationships in the family (it is worth giving the child the right to choose and autonomy, without blaming him for material inconsistency);
philosophy of life and moral values (be alert - pay attention to new acquaintances, hobbies, friends);
self-determination (choice of profession);
self-identification and preparation for a serious relationship with the opposite sex.

Parents who have managed to overcome this one of the most difficult and responsible stages in the upbringing of their children say that it really passes to their great relief. By the age of 16-17, from prickly and rude, ill-mannered "boors" teenagers again turn into loving and beloved children. To make this process of rebirth painless, it is important to stay calm, try to be not just a mom or dad for a teenager, but to become his best friend, ready to listen and support in any situation, without reproaching, without condemning, without aggravating the transitional age even more.

Parents who have gone through the transitional age of a son or daughter know exactly how difficult it is to develop a personality. Every day, conversations with a high school student are getting shorter, and the tension and worry about his fate grows. A teenage child stops sharing his experiences with you, often makes dubious acquaintances, and all your attempts to establish contact do not lead to anything good.

You, as an adult, understand that your fool is becoming independent, wants to get freedom, but at the same time he still needs your help, although he will never admit it.

Why a teenager does not want to communicate with parents

Let's look at some of the reasons a child stops communicating with their parents.

1. Perhaps the girl and the boy lose touch with their parents, feel alienated from the family, and as a result, it seems to the son or daughter that the parents do not show interest in his problems.

2. There are families in which problems are not discussed at all. From childhood, a child gets used to the fact that complaints about life or discussion of personal problems within the family are not accepted, therefore, silence is the best defense against invasion of privacy.

3. In adolescence, a person strives for independence, but for you he is still a child. Such dissonance leads to conflicts in the family and not the desire to let you into your personal space.

4. You cannot understand that a high school student is already practically an adult, treat him like a kid. Give gifts to students - just like that! Do not think that a modern gadget for your son is just another nonsense. This is important to him. Find out where to buy an inexpensive gold ring for your daughter - an elegant and beautiful jewelry will delight your princess!

Note that these are far from all the reasons why a teenage child can withdraw into himself, the above is only the tip of the iceberg. And if you do not try to establish contact with your son or daughter, then family conflicts can develop into serious drama. Only you, as a wise, adult person, can influence a difficult situation, remember that in front of you is no longer a baby, but an adult!

For starters, try putting yourself in the shoes of a teenager. Think about your experiences, hobbies, and interests. Try to relive those emotions when you wanted freedom, when it seemed that the whole world was against you and no one could understand you.

Remember that you, too, have made mistakes, even though your parents tried to protect you from them. It is important to realize that all the mistakes you make are trials, after going through which you got an invaluable experience that you are ready to pass on to your child.

Let your high school student share the same invaluable experience and empower him to make mistakes!

Treat your teenager as an adult, mature personality, let him have secrets from you. As much as it hurts for you, secrets from your parents are okay. Remember yourself as a teenager, did you tell your parents everything?

Of course, this does not mean that you should stand aside and not participate in the life of a high school student. Give high school students the opportunity to act independently and only with advice to guide him in the right direction. At the same time, always be ready to come to the rescue in difficult times.

Teenage child - how to make friends

During this difficult period for you and the high school student, the most important thing is to stay calm. If your teenage child is not in the mood for a conversation with you, do not force him. Step aside, take a position of neutrality and control the fool unnoticed.

If you were able to start a conversation, try to gently find out why the teenager does not want to make contact and what, in his opinion, you are doing wrong. If you do not receive a clear answer, turn the conversation to abstract topics, now your main task is to get your son or daughter talking, to let him get used to conversations with you. With the right behavior of the parents, the trust of the teenage child will return very quickly.

In conversation, try to listen more than talk. Always clarify and ask again, this way you make him experience a difficult situation again, which helps to quickly find the right solution. Never shy away from answering a high school student's questions; trust should be mutual.

Try not to pressure the high school student or overwhelm them with questions. Be natural, make it clear to the child teenager that you are ready to communicate with him on an equal footing, and not as with a little toddler. Tell him stories from your childhood, but do not oppose yourself to the teenager, as this behavior can alienate the child.

You can honestly confess your youthful fears, talk about the worst secrets that you kept from your parents, about fights at school or at dances, and about your first love. These conversations can help you bond with your teenage child. - there is a whole list, read it.

Praise achievements whenever possible. Don't flatter; compliment in a natural setting. Try to attract as many witnesses as possible, as public opinion during the period of personality formation is of great importance for a high school student.

Remember that in a difficult teenage period for parents, the main thing is not to put pressure on the teenager's child, but to establish a trusting relationship with him.

A teenager child - how fleeting it all is! Before you is practically an adult - understand this!

(from birth to 5 years old) has arrived, and now we are approaching the "friend" stage. How to behave with a teenager in order to maintain a relationship, says psychologist Satya Das.

The last stage of growing up is called "friend". From about fourteen years old, the child's parents should understand that he has already grown up. Everything that you could put into it and explain, you have already explained and invested. If you haven't invested, it's too late to invest, nothing will change.

And in fact, this is the most difficult stage. If we can somehow imagine and make a child as a "king" or "student", then we do not perceive him as a friend at all. How can someone be a friend who pee in diapers, threw the cat out the window at the age of four and did a lot of such stupid things?

What does child friend mean? Is he really supposed to be your friend? It is unlikely that this will work. But at the same time, you are obliged to speak with the child in those words and with that intonation, as when communicating with your real adult friend.

Imagine that you have arrived with a friend somewhere and live in the same hotel room. And so he didn't make the bed in the morning, and it annoys you.

How do you tell him about it? You will try to make it softer so that he does not take offense in response and does not send you to hell. And you will order your child to remove this bed, without thinking how he will perceive it. But this commanding tone of his will offend as much as it would offend your friend.

Let's say that up to five years old your child is not a "king", from five to fourteen he is a slave, not a "student", and after fourteen he also did not become a friend. What will happen then? He will run away from you. Do you know what this approach is called? Mockery, emotional aggression against the child.

Until the age of five, a child who is treated like this cries. From five to fourteen years old, he will be offended, silent and close. At fourteen he will start snarling, and you will consider that he has begun.

The adolescent age is a myth

But in fact, adolescence is a myth, it does not exist. It is clear that adolescents have more hormones, but when children become uncontrollable, it means that adults sneered and pressed, and children finally learned to resist, snap back and defend themselves.

If a child was subjected to emotional aggression before the age of fourteen, then at the age of fourteen there is not a "hormonal explosion", but simply the child will grow up to the age when he has gained strength to begin to resist the aggression. If these are physically strong boys, then at this stage they may well respond to their father, who presses on them, simply physically. And parents attribute this to a hormonal explosion and a transitional age.

The best thing you can do with a child over the age of fourteen if you have problems with him is to leave him alone.

You call it a transitional period, because this was not the case before, but now it has suddenly appeared. You hope that the transition period with age will end, but in reality the problems will not go anywhere and move to a new level. And I urge you not to put pressure on children, but to educate yourself.

When the child learns to snap, his next step is to try to escape from you. Don't be surprised if your sixteen-year-old son wants to go off to study somewhere in the wilderness in some completely exotic specialty, or at the age of fifteen go to some awful vocational school on the other side of the country. And you think: "Yes, I myself came from Nizhniy Tagil to St. Petersburg, and he wants to leave here, God knows where, why does he do it, why?"

But in fact, he does all this because he dreams of only one thing - to get rid of you, because you are the aggressor in his life. He needs to go somewhere in order to be away from the crazy parents who have already got it, and therefore he goes somewhere further away.

The girl has many more opportunities to escape than the boy. She can go to study, or she can get married. If your daughter at the age of sixteen dumped with some suspicious guy on a motorcycle and they got married, then that means you fucked up the poor girl. Perhaps when she is thirty-six and you are fifty-eight, you will rebuild the relationship. But not the fact that this will happen.

If you don't do the right thing at every stage, then problems inevitably arise. Think back to your teenage years when your parents did not treat you like a friend. Don't repeat their mistakes.

At fourteen, a child should become a friend, and nothing else. I had one student - a very colorful personality. When he first came to my classes, I asked:

What happened?

He says:

Yes, you know, I have a problem with children.

What's the problem?

They don't listen to me at all. I tell them, but they don't listen. We have been at knives for a long time. I turn to them, and they answer - get out of here, leave us alone.

I ask, how old are the children? I think ten and twelve.

And he replies:

Twenty five and twenty seven.

Listen, my friend, don't you think that you are about twelve or thirteen years late with your moralizing?

How late? But I'm their father.

Everyone, from the age of fourteen they should be your friends.

But we are friends with them.

Look, you and I are friends. If I start lecturing you, telling you what you should wear, what you should eat, how you should think, who should you pray to, and the like, what will you do?

I'll send you!

So they sent you the same way.

But they are my children!

No, you decide whether you are a friend or not a friend.

And he worried for so long, then he let the man go. He began to come to classes joyful, because it turned out that his children were not as bad as he thought. He just started to be friends with them. Just like he was friends with grown men. According to the principle: if you want to know how you are, find out, you can help with something - help, they don't ask you - shut up. And it turned out that his children are adults, with their own interests, quite normal, and they don't send him anywhere else.

When your child turns fourteen, become his friend. If he is five years old, make sure he becomes the right "student". And if he was just born, do not forget that he is a "king".

I am sometimes asked how these parenting periods pass from one to the next. Wouldn't the child be shocked that instead of the "king" he suddenly became a "student"?

Do not worry. This transition does not happen in two seconds - it is five years old - and bam, immediately transferred to "disciples". The transition period matures gradually. My child and I began to become friends about a year before he turned fourteen. And I was slowly preparing myself for this.

The problem is not with the child, the problem is with the parents. They should not miss the right moment and not blunt it. You must tell yourself - everything, child is my friend. And I don't check my friends' diaries. I cannot lecture him and say something like that, because I had to have time to say everything before I was fourteen.

Hello Svetlana!

“Or they themselves must figure out the situation” - If you left your husband with your son and communicate with the child every day, then you are already influencing the situation in one way or another. That is, they no longer understand themselves and there is a great influence on your child's opinion in any case, even if you are silent.

“On one of these visits, the child saw his father ...” - You need to understand for yourself that your son reacts approximately in the same way as you react to this situation. How do you communicate with his father? Do you have a desire to communicate with your ex-husband? How do you talk and discuss with your son the reason for the divorce? If you yourself do not really want to communicate with your husband, you negatively assess this situation and perhaps told your son the reason for the divorce something like this - "the husband is a child, he has an Oedipus complex ..." - then of course your son, consciously or unconsciously, will copy this the same behavior format. The son saw it on his father's computer and linked it to an unwillingness to communicate, just like you did it, and most likely they told him about it, or it happened in front of his eyes. The first reason for such a reaction from your son is your personal actions and attitude towards divorce, as well as the format of telling your son about it.

“The husband is a child, he has an Oedipus complex ...” - After all, you yourself chose this man for yourself, you yourself lived together for 16 years, you yourself built such a relationship with your husband, so in fact everything is not so clear in the reasons for your divorce. If this man did not suit you at all, then you would not have chosen him, and you would not have lived with him for so many years. The fact that you are talking about the reasons for the divorce, that only the husband is to blame, suggests that you have not fully understood the situation. Of course, it is easier to find confirmation from psychologists of your thoughts than to understand the inconvenient reasons in yourself. You need to understand yourself and your actions that contributed to this relationship and divorce with your husband, since there is that part in you that led you to such a relationship and this result. After you understand your personal reasons, you can show your son your relationship with your ex-husband and your understanding of the situation by your personal example.

“Whether it is worth interfering in the relationship of a son with a father” - It all depends on how you understand “to interfere”. Of course, lecturing your son about good behavior is not worth it, but you can set a personal example for your son. You can talk with your son, about your relationship with your husband, about how you normally communicate with him, despite the reasons for the divorce. You can talk to your son that your divorce from your husband is not so straightforward and the reasons are not only in the husband and his acquaintances, but also there are some reasons in you. You can show your son your personal example of finding a common language with your ex-husband, which will be better for your son than any talk about "good" behavior.

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer "Hello, Svetlana!" Or they themselves have to figure out the situation "- If you left with your son from m ..." to the question http: // www .. Can I discuss this answer with you?

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A couple of years ago, friends were jealous of your happiness - to have such a calm, intelligent, obedient child. But then it was 12, 13 years old ... and the son or daughter became unrecognizable. You do not know how to communicate with a teenager - the child has been replaced and in front of you is a completely different person: cold, aggressive, and sometimes even cruel.

Psychologist Victoria Melikhova tells what is happening with the child and how to talk to him now.

But then it was 12, 13 years old ... and the son or daughter became unrecognizable.

“He has become completely different. Previously, we could talk about anything, went to the park and to the river together. I knew about all his friends and about all the beautiful girls in his class. Now it seems to have been replaced. There would be a possibility, the lock would be hung on the room. He gets angry when I go in without knocking, answers all questions “none of your business”, got in touch with some incomprehensible types. He comes home from school, immediately closes himself in the room and cuts in his incomprehensible music with all its might. "

“I grew up, but my mother still sees me as a small child. She demands that I be accountable to her for every minute of my life. As if she has nothing else to do! She always climbs into my life, into my room, into my affairs. When she already understands that I am an adult, I can have my friends, my own room, my own life. Only mine ... "

This is how two close people see the same situation differently. Adults seemed to have forgotten that twenty, thirty years ago they were teenagers themselves, complained about their parents, sought freedom, defended their personal space and their interests. And hate has nothing to do with it.

How to talk to teens so they can hear their parents? What should mom and dad pay attention to? First you need to talk about adolescence in general.

The thorny path of growing up: what happens to a teenager

By the age of twelve or thirteen, changes occur in all areas, a crisis is brewing.

Body. The child grows, his body changes, which, due to uneven growth, often seems funny and ridiculous.

The child is, as it were, between two shores: childhood and adulthood.

Mood. Due to the play of hormones, the mood is constantly changing: rage replaces euphoria, resentment immediately turns into joy. He had just laughed at the ridiculous character on YouTube, and now he was offended to tears by his friends who forgot to call him into the yard. Not every adult can withstand such loads.

The conflicting attitude of adults. He feels like an adult. He strives to become the whole being. Parents continue to see him as a child and begin to demand adult responsibility. On the one hand: “so that at 9 I’m already at home”, “go now and do your homework”, “don’t talk to Pasha anymore, I don’t like him.” On the other hand: “at your age I already closed canning cans”, “what an example you set for your brother”, “what a big deal, but what's the point”, “it's time to think about the future”.

What is normal for a teenager

Abrupt changes in behavior and lifestyle, secrecy. Yes, it scares you. Yes, it seems to you that something is wrong with the child and he has ended up in bad company, has seen enough films, and maybe even tries alcohol or drugs. It's not obligatory. The child is, as it were, between two shores: childhood and adulthood. He strives with all his might to become an adult, independent. He demands respect for himself, his personal space, his interests. Therefore, do not worry if he once again asks to knock on the door of the room and not climb into his closet. And he has the right to refuse to tell how his day at school went.

Perhaps you do not see how a son or daughter mastered the technique of playing the guitar. How they began to sing and write poetry. How they seek support and evaluation in their achievements from the closest people. How do parents communicate with teenagers? First of all, reduce the requirements and accept what is.

Craving for new people and big companies. In this difficult period, understanding, acceptance, personal communication is especially important for a teenager. Therefore, he is so attracted to friends, to his own kind. Where he can be understood and listened to on an equal footing, where he will feel like a part of the team, know that he is not alone.

Laziness, decreased academic performance, abandonment of household chores. The teenager changes physically and emotionally. These changes cause great stress for the still not strong organism, take a lot of strength and energy. Therefore, "bouts of laziness" and a decline in school performance are possible.

They are worried about the appearance, status in the team, the reaction of the opposite sex.

A sharp change of interests. Yesterday he was running around with a camera all day, today he paints with watercolors, tomorrow he will write poetry. He tries and searches for himself. After trying a wide variety of activities, he will find something to his liking. Perhaps what will become his future profession or hobby.

Poor control over emotions. Emotions at this age are very strong. They are characterized by frequent and abrupt changes. He is not yet able to learn how to control them. No matter how offensive it may be to you, it is normal for a teenager to express a sharp protest to your comments, react rudely to attempts to invade his life, reject any advice. How to talk to a teenager if he is rude? Maintain dignity and self-control.

Lie. Often teenagers begin to lie. Behind this is the desire to embellish reality, to please others. And sometimes they hide something from their parents to avoid punishment.

Melancholic attacks. Frequent reflections, thoughts, fantasies, and journaling are also natural for children who have entered adolescence. They know themselves, they are often dissatisfied with themselves. They are worried about the appearance, status in the team, the reaction of the opposite sex. But there is a striving for the best behind this. They want to become better, stronger, more beautiful physically and spiritually.

When to sound the alarm

On the surface, many of the strange signs of adolescence are the norm. But we should not forget that everything must have reasonable boundaries.

A teenager cannot make friends with classmates or neighbors. With a heightened need for communication, which he cannot satisfy in any way, it is possible that he will get into a company associated with crime. Such companies fit perfectly into the adolescent value system: communication, protest, violation of all the values and requirements of adults. A whole cocktail of emotions and feelings, thrills, romance ...
He communicates with guys much older than himself, who are notorious, commit offenses and even crimes.
He started smoking, drinking alcohol, trying drugs.
Almost does not leave the room, often cries, does not communicate with parents and friends. Perhaps he is in trouble or even getting depressed.

Establishing contact with a teenager

How to talk to a teenager and find common ground with a young rebel? First of all, remember that he is no longer a small child. He demands respect and has the right to do so.

1 Communication must be built on an equal footing like your best friend. The parent-child position is becoming obsolete.

2 Don't insist on talking if he doesn't want to. Time will pass and he, of his own free will, will come up to talk.

3 It's better to knock on the room. This will once again show your respect for him and his personal space, reinforce his sense of significance, which is so necessary at this age.

4 Don't laugh at a teenager's obsession with her looks., better help to cope with this: take to the hairdresser, gym or doctor, support, help.

But remember:

we have the same child in front of us, we should not overload him with duties, deeds and responsibilities, requests and instructions should be feasible;
know his friends better personally (arrange a holiday for the child, invite all his friends);
communication will help to control the situation and maintain contact (more often share with him your thoughts, feelings, memories of yourself at his age);
no one canceled joint hobbies (ask him to sing his favorite song or watch his favorite movie together, praise his picture or poem);
he still needs your love like a child (more often say how you love him).

Try to convey to your teenager a sense of security and trust in you. He should know that you will accept him, understand him, will not punish him, but will try to help. Then, in a difficult situation, he will go for advice to you, and not to unknown friends on the street.

And, probably, the most important thing that will help you understand how to properly communicate with a teenager: remember yourself in his years. What did you live, what did you dream about, what did you enjoy, what did you take offense at, who you talked to, how you spent your day. Feel this state, these emotions. Share them with your teen and feel again. You were just like him. You understand him. This thought, this feeling is the key to building trusting relationships, to signing a peace treaty between a teenager and an adult.