Third wheel. What to do when your mother-in-law ruins your marriage. Mother-in-law destroys the family, how to behave in a similar situation

15.10.2019

Maria, see that not only you have such a situation? :)
I will share my experience. Our marriage is 6 years old.
The story is much the same. The husband is also independent, responsible, adult (certainly more mature than me :)) and is also raised by the same mother. Who does not recognize me, but her relationship with her son is close. She is used to the fact that he financially, temporarily, and mentally supports her in everything, helps, explains, and in general does everything to her.
Then I appeared :)
The fact that scandals have gone to me, accusations do not understand what (This is hypnosis! She bewitched you! Slut! And so on). "Put in place" which means to be rude to my mother or stop communicating with her, my husband could not because he is a good person, but she is really weak, very elderly woman who had the imprudence to "make very high stakes on him." The bride also had to be rich , very beautiful and always a virgin :) And I divorced my first husband because of my love for him.
It was fun: (My husband tried to be in time there and not offend me. Pretty soon it stopped working. Constant infusion of finances into her plans and projects, all unnecessary chores.
How it was with us. My husband and I sat down together and talked about what the behavior of a "good son" involves. Those. it is clear that this is Fin. support. How much? So that our family plans are realized. If this is the time, then how to combine. If this is support for her spiritual outpourings, but how good it is that almost every day she discusses all (!) Her affairs with my husband. For a husband who has his own worries, and she needs to be to some extent internally self-sufficient. Gifts for the holidays, and as attention and as a benefit in everyday life. Etc. We talked. They understood each other.
We also talked about what it means to be “husband” and “wife” :) Well, there again is about time, relationships, care, money.
Of course, force majeure situations with his mother require more of his time and money, but this is very understandable and does not offend me at all.

I don't communicate much with her. But very respectful (by the way, as soon as I think that she is my husband's mother, I really love her! :)) but I have an ultimatum to her, put forward long ago, for any insult I stop communicating with her. The husband has nothing to do with it.

They had the following in their relationship. My husband is calm and positive all like that :) So, as soon as his mother began to say something bad about me, or about our family. He came up with her plates and started hitting them on the floor and swearing (not at her, but just to list the words). All this is calm, like a necessary medicine :) His mother was in shock and again sorry for the plates :) and she did not like to see him so inadequate. Quite quickly, a reflex was developed which the husband said to his mother more than once, "If you want good relations with me, financial and mental help, and just cool relationships, then don't say bad things about my family! And advice and criticism are not needed, we will figure it out ourselves. life did, we have the right to our "
The smashing of dishes was really more effective than words. "

When his mother comes (rarely, once twice a year), then we (more than me) prepare a cultural program for her, her husband takes her to the theater or to an exhibition. I buy her gifts.
This participation of mine makes my husband and I feel that we are together. We buy her vouchers to a sanatorium and so on. It's good that she is active and social with us, she likes to hang out and meet people.
We give money every month, and a strictly fixed amount. If you want to get more of it and if there is a real reason for that, we give more, but so to speak at the expense of our future payments.
The husband calls her every week. He finds out her plans, gives advice :), talks about himself at least, more and more about her, so our life remains without her assessments and criticism.

Perhaps our case is easier in the sense that she has relatives (many, both relatives and non-relatives, she also lived in the south for a long time, so she "fraternized") and she loves to help everyone.

There was also a moment with my parents. They did not like this state of affairs at all, they did not recognize their daughter! What kind of mama's son is this !? This point was also clarified. First, the husband talked to them at the very beginning. I explained about my mother's difficult fate, complexes and so on. And about your attitude towards me, and our common plans. My parents became thoughtful, and then over the course of several years they got to know my husband better, and this situation does not bother them. Well, they say that it’s a pity that it happened, but it’s not your fault, which is really here.

that's all, I shared my experience :)
if anything, write on the pad 02/22/2007 11:01:58, it was also like that

Thank you for your participation! Your situation is clearer to me, your mother-in-law had certain troubles, so that she was a girl, so that she was rich :) And it’s all to my mind (even though I was a girl, and with my own apartment), but they lived in a one-room apartment. But she wouldn’t care, even if I had 10 husbands .. Your husband is great, he found an effective remedy (with plates), I think it would work on mine too, but my husband is not capable of this, unfortunately .. At least with my mother. 02/22/2007 18:23:47, -maria-

Yes, no, the reason for nagging is not really important here. Because they just "share in the bastard", so our husbands were a part of their life, and a very large part, obviously more than necessary, and then the wife appeared. It seems that you will not object, a wife is needed, but such mothers lose a lot from the marriage of their son, and now there is a protest.
You know, my husband is not at all conflicted, he loves and respects his mother, they really have a warm relationship (he takes care of her from adversity, psychotherapies her life), but he just knows what he needs, and with these "hysterics" he got out. It turns out "if you want a good relationship - be respectful, at least out loud in front of him", but no, look - and swears. In fact, too, childishly, of course, but intelligible. But I’m just talking and explanations and assurances his mother just let go of his ears.
And you just have a chat with your husband about how you can resolve this situation, preferably in a peaceful way, and then tell us our experience. May come in handy :)
And if you sort things out in the style of who SHOULD lead how, and especially regarding his mother, then there will be no good. It gave me a lot that my husband’s mother was aggressively disposed against me, but I, on the contrary, understandably, well, it happens, an old man, well, there are complexes, well, it happens. My husband didn't fight with me, and our trust and understanding of each other only increased. Yes, fate gave us such an attitude of the mother-in-law, what can we do about it? you never know what else fate will throw, we must learn to solve problems together. In general, I recommend talking to my husband without stepping on his sore calluses, but to voice all your interests. 02/22/2007 20:19:52, I

We had the most ordinary family: mom, dad and child.

My husband's mother liked our cozy house. On the second floor we had a bedroom, a children's room and a playroom specially equipped for our daughter.

The mother-in-law stayed with us on the weekend and left. It seems nothing unusual, but suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, my husband announced that his mother would live with us!

I was outraged, but why did no one ask my opinion? Actually, I'm the mistress of the house. However, my husband decided that his and my mother's opinion would be enough, she would be bored alone, and so we would have an au pair.

I will pay attention right away, I just do not eat in the morning, I only drink a cup of coffee. But the satisfied husband and daughter ate delicious breakfasts for both cheeks. When we returned from work, the house was in order, and I was actually relieved of the burden of homework.

Then he gets up, eats everything and leaves for work, and I start to wash and clean everything. You can't imagine how dirty she is, I'm even ashamed to invite someone to visit. My son is clever, he achieved everything in his life, he became a great boss, but his wife….

I keep looking at my granddaughter and am more and more convinced that she is not like us. I want to talk to my son, I worked up one hundred percent. The beggar grabbed the guy and now sits on his neck. "

Fearing that I might outstrip her, the “caring” mother decided to talk to her son and reveal the whole truth to him. “My dear, I held on for a long time, but I can’t take it any longer, my mother’s heart is breaking. Where did you find this one? You know that she is at home all day long, and even spends your money. And I am the only one who does the housework! ”

I was sure that my husband would stand up for me, because he knows that I am not messing around, and when we got married we worked together and received the same salary, and we lived in my apartment, but that was not the case.

I could not go down to dinner, but when I heard about how this woman says that the granddaughter is not their breed, I could not restrain myself and rushed down. And she adds fuel to the fire: “Aha, you see how she rushed! Afraid that the secret has been solved. "

I could no longer restrain my emotions: “What are you talking about? Nobody invited you here, why are you doing all this? "

In a split second, I knew that he believed her. Having collected my things and my daughter, I called a taxi and went to my apartment. Thank God, we did not have time to pass it. At that moment, I realized that I would never return to this person back in my life. Yes, I was hurt, hurt, I cried not a single sleepless night, but there was no way back. I didn't even file for alimony, I just deleted them from my life.

About a year later, I met a man and he proposed to me, we are already planning the date of the wedding. The daughter perceives him as a dad, because her own father never even once remembered about her existence during all this time.

On one of the most ordinary days, I met my ex. He began to mumble something that I was a fool and left. Suddenly he literally burst out to talk about how he lives now. It turns out that his mother met some peasant and lives with him…. in our former home! The former spouse has now moved to the playroom, and they occupy the bedroom, do not work anywhere and live only on his salary.

I sincerely felt sorry for him, but when he asked for my phone number, I flatly refused. Ahead of me is a new life and I have not the slightest desire to return to the past!

My friend Vera Sergeevna is a wonderful hostess. The apartment is always clean, everything is in order, breakfast, lunch and dinner are prepared. Her son was always a clean, tidy boy. And when guests came to their house, the table simply burst with tons of different delicacies.

The son grew up in such conditions and everything suited him. And now she did not understand why he chose such a wife as Lera. Vera Sergeevna came to me once and complains about her daughter-in-law. You say, imagine, Lera does not know how to cook at all, she serves my son dumplings for dinner. And he considers it normal, how can it be.

She even does not wash the floors in the evening, and the son generally ironed his own shirts. I, he says, do not understand why my son endures all this. She even decided to make a wedding in a restaurant. Although I offered to invite guests home, I would cook everything, bake pies, but no, in Lera's opinion the restaurant will be better. But the food is not so tasty, not homemade.

Well, Vera Sergeevna is measured, nothing can be done. Soon, the daughter-in-law and her son went to grandchildren, a girl and a boy. So Lera sat with them at home for a year and went to work, and left the children to her husband and her mother. And then Vera Sergeevna decided to interfere in their family affairs.

Not only is Lera, says the hostess bad, she is also a useless mother. And she completely crushed her son, that even the purchased dumplings suit him, and now the children are on him. At the same time, she also stands up for her, says that she earns a lot. Supposedly, thanks to Lera, they bought a new three-room apartment on a mortgage, but for me, says Vera Sergeevna, and the two-room apartment was good and spacious.

And Vera Sergeevna decided to save her son from such a wife, and she began delicately from afar. At first she called her daughter-in-law and hinted that it was better to cook the food herself, and not buy it in the store. The next time she started a conversation about children, do they miss their mother. So she called for about a month, but there were no results.

But soon her son called her and told her mother to stop calling Lera and harassing her. We, she says, will figure out what to eat and who will sit with the children. Vera Sergeevna even lost the gift of speech, she could not believe that her own son was saying that.

And then Vera Sergeevna realized that she needed to act quickly and save her son. She decided to go the other way, invited her son to visit her, prepared him goodies. When they sat down at the table, she began a conversation. That it is wrong when the husband eats food from the store, ironing his shirts and babysitting the children, while the wife earns money.

After all, everything should be the other way around, it is the husband who is the breadwinner of the family. Lera shouldn't be allowed to command herself like that. The son tried to protect his wife, which is so convenient for him and he likes everything, but under the pressure of his mother he gave up. And he decided to do what his mother tells him, that his wife should stay at home to cook food and raise children.

It was then that Vera Sergeevna was delighted that now her son would have a good family, that he would raise his Leroux. This Lera will not go anywhere with two children, she will be re-educated as cute. But not even a week had passed when the son called again and said that he would come now.

And he came with suitcases, left, I say from my wife, and now my mother will live with you again. And soon Vera Sergeevna found out that Lera had brought a man into the house and that his children called him dad. A month later they had a wedding. And Vera Sergeevna blames the former daughter-in-law for everything, that it was she who destroyed the family of her son, that she broke his whole life.

I tried to explain to Vera that it was she herself who was to blame for everything, that there was no need to get into someone else's family, and that she herself ruined her son's life. But she was only offended by me and still blames her former daughter-in-law for everything. On her example, I realized one thing, you should never interfere with the families of your children, no matter how you live.

came up on the street when I was walking and said that a friend told her that she had to wean her fingers in her mouth, otherwise she would suck until she was 3 years old. To which I replied that at this age it is normal and in general children pull everything into their mouths, even sand, and this is normal. I said that I understood and heard her, I will also clarify this issue.
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They responded quite adequately.

As a result, I don't even know what I said to my husband, apparently that I will feed my daughter with sand, and as a result, there is a conflict.
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Let's take a closer look at this place. How the conflict began, what exactly did your husband tell you, what he accused you of, how you reacted. Since your request is connected precisely with your relationship with your husband, I think we need to pay attention to this.

When I tried to call her and find out what I said wrong, she hung up. Then they simply hushed up this situation and did not discuss it with her anymore.
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I understand your desire to clarify the situation, but judging by what you describe, it is futile. It looks like it is very important for your mother-in-law to influence her son and represent you in a negative light. It is difficult to fight this, I very much sympathize with you. And I believe that the main efforts in your case should be directed not at the mother-in-law, but at interacting with your husband, because it is the relationship with him that is most important for you, do you agree?

Yes, I want her to be just a grandmother, no comment
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I’m afraid this is hardly possible. You cannot change your mother-in-law. She is already what she is, I think you yourself understand this. She has her own ideas about how she would like to see you, and, most likely, she will not refuse it. In this regard, you have, in my opinion, two options:
1) be as tough as possible and defend your boundaries, not allowing the mother-in-law to influence the upbringing of her daughter and letting her know that you are not interested in her opinion. In a sense, you are still doing this, although you are trying to be correct. As you already understood, in this situation, the mother-in-law begins to influence your husband, turning him against you. And it is difficult for him to cope with it, he probably wants to be a good son. As you can see, this option can lead to the destruction of your relationship with your husband, but you have the right to defend yourself and try to defend your ability to raise a child at your own discretion. At this stage of your life, while you are financially dependent on your husband, I fear that the risk of family destruction is very high, unfortunately.
2) consider for yourself the opportunity to cooperate with your mother-in-law, accept (at least temporarily) for yourself the idea that the key to peace in your relationship with your husband is a more respectful attitude towards his mother. This is not an easy way, as a rule, but in the long term it is quite profitable for you. If it is possible to create such an atmosphere in the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, in which the mother-in-law feels valuable, feels that her opinion is important, that they want to ask her advice, that her contribution to the upbringing of the child is appreciated by young parents, as a rule, she begins to relate to the daughter-in-law is much more benevolent, accepts her and is proud of her. In the future, she, as it were, voluntarily "transfers" power over her son into the hands of her daughter-in-law, constantly bringing to her son the idea that his wife is clever and how lucky he is with her. The fact is that it is very difficult for any mother to come to terms with the fact that in the life of her boy, her beloved son, a woman has appeared who has become very important for him, perhaps even more important than the mother herself. The mother of an adult son has to overcome a lot in herself in order to accept these changes. It is much easier to do this when the mother of an adult son sees that the daughter-in-law is disposed towards her, that she is ready to accept help in how she takes care of her son. This reduces the tension in the relationship, and ideally, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law become close people, and the mother-in-law ceases to doubt her, begins to trust. Then it is already much easier for her to accept the changes, consisting in the fact that the son in the first place is the wife, and not the mother. This is a harmonious way of developing family relationships. It seems to me, Elena, that your husband hopes that you will follow this path. Almost every man dreams of just such an outcome of the relationship between his wife and mother. Otherwise, he has to choose between them and pay a very dear price: either sacrifice the relationship with his mother, or with his wife. Both sacrifices, as you understand, are excessively large. In my opinion, it is quite within your power not to put your family life on the brink of collapse, since there is also an alternative. But without your inner readiness to take advantage of this alternative, of course, nothing will work.

As part of this consultation, I see my task as helping you to see that you can influence a lot in your family situation, and it depends on your choice how it will develop. You have the right to any decision, I see my responsibility in the fact that you and I investigate the consequences of each of your decisions.

Do you have any response to my reflections?

We had the most ordinary family: mom, dad and child.

My husband's mother liked our cozy house. On the second floor we had a bedroom, a children's room and a playroom specially equipped for our daughter.

The mother-in-law stayed with us on the weekend and left. It seems nothing unusual, but suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, my husband announced that his mother would live with us!

To my categorical statements that I did not want to live with someone in the house, my husband replied that my mother was crying, said that she would soon die and there was no strength to refuse her. I was not touched at all by these women's tricks, but ... at the weekend, the mother-in-law with the things was already with us. At first, it seemed like nothing, we settled her in the playroom, since there was no more room. She made us breakfast every morning, but I didn't. I will pay attention right away, I just do not eat in the morning, I only drink a cup of coffee. But the satisfied husband and daughter ate delicious breakfasts for both cheeks. When we returned from work, the house was in order, and I was actually relieved of the burden of homework.

Once, I got sick and decided not to go to work, stayed at home, did not even leave the bedroom and my mother-in-law did not suspect that she was not alone. When my husband and daughter left, the house became quiet and I distinctly heard the telephone conversation: “You know, I'm like Cinderella here. I get up neither light nor dawn, preparing breakfast, and our queen is asleep. Then he gets up, eats everything and leaves for work, and I start to wash and clean everything. You can't imagine how dirty she is, I'm even ashamed to invite someone to visit. My son is clever, he achieved everything in his life, he became a great boss, but his wife…. I keep looking at my granddaughter and am more and more convinced that she is not like us. I want to talk to my son, I worked up one hundred percent. The beggar grabbed the guy and now sits on his neck. "

I was speechless. Unsuspectingly, she complained for a long time to her friend about me and about how unlucky her son was. Then, I pulled myself together and went downstairs to drink coffee. The mother-in-law said sweetly: "Oh, are you at home?" By evening, I got worse, I didn't even have the strength to go down and meet my husband. Fearing that I might outstrip her, the “caring” mother decided to talk to her son and reveal the whole truth to him. “My dear, I held on for a long time, but I can’t take it any longer, my mother’s heart is breaking. Where did you find this one? You know that she is at home all day long, and even spends your money. And I am the only one who does the housework! ”

I could no longer restrain my emotions: “What are you talking about? Nobody invited you here, why are you doing all this? "

I sincerely felt sorry for him, but when he asked for my phone number, I flatly refused. Ahead of me is a new life and I have not the slightest desire to return to the past!