How to explain to a child why he does not have a father? All my life I have been haunted by terrible grievances that I do not have a father and there is no such love that my sister receives. I envy her. sister's birthday for dad is a real holiday, he just gives her off her feet

Divorce is often not only stressful for a man and a woman, but also a wound for a child. What happens to children who are brought up without a father? How does the absence of a dad affect their lives in the future? "Father's Club" asked several psychologists to answer these questions

Psychologist Alina Kotenko

Much depends on the situation in the mother's life and her attitude to this situation. The worst thing that a mother can do is to completely dissolve in the child, devoting herself to him without a trace. Later she will definitely demand "reckoning". As a result, the child will not be burdened with his own life, but with the life of the mother. And he will need to justify this meaning, meet her expectations. As a result, this will cause difficulties in building relationships with the opposite sex. Indeed, in the life of a child who does not have a father, there is no real model of behavior in the family and between the sexes. He can draw knowledge and values ​​from cartoons, video games, etc. But this is not a real world, but a fictional one. And this is how he can perceive the relationship - as fake. And at the right moment for yourself to disappear from them.

Child psychologist Ekaterina Goltsberg

The role of the father for the boy is to set an example of male behavior, attitude towards life, towards women, towards work and leisure. The second task is related to the first one - this is socialization, that is, the introduction of other people into the world, the designation of the framework and boundaries of behavior, decency. The father, as if by personal example, makes it clear to the boy how to behave, what to be. Eliminating such an example, the mother, as a rule, also levels, devalues ​​the father, and the child loses his bearings. It is difficult for him to form his masculine position, and he draws examples from the stories of his mother, which often does not correspond at all to the normal interaction of men.

Such a boy, having entered the world of other men, cannot understand how to behave, "runs up" to resistance and can withdraw and avoid male society, being known as "mama's boy."

In the best case, he will leave such a mother at the first opportunity - he will go into the army, marry, and thereby receive a “feeling of guilt” as a reward for the failed mother's life. Usually such a scenario is seasoned with a decent amount of reproach, which makes a man's life simply unbearable. Or addicted. Often women also tell the boy that they are raising him as a man “for themselves”, with similar sayings “you are my hero”, “you are my best man”, “if you grow up, you will protect your mother”. And this scenario is very difficult to fix.

The daughter has her own "bouquet" of problems associated with the absence of her father. After all, his role in the girl's life is to create an image of a man who will admire her. A girl brought up without a father, having become an adult woman, often suffers from the fact that she does not know whether men like her, whether they can like her. She suffers from self-esteem, usually she is underestimated to such an extent that such women are simply afraid and avoid showing attention from men. Often the parental scenario seems so dangerous that the girl does not marry, because she is afraid that her husband will leave the family in the future.

Psychotherapist Elena Platova

The main signs of the absence of a father in the family are self-doubt, anxiety, a reduced level of ambition, social incompetence, confusion in gender-role identity. The child's need for fatherly love arises when the child begins to need authority and guidance from the father. After all, the father teaches the child to solve the problems that society will put before him in the future. Thanks to the father, the child gains the experience of a relationship with another person, different from the mother. It is in the relationship with the father that the child acquires his gender identity and the corresponding models of behavior. Boys, admiring and competing, identify with their father and imitate him. Girls, winning the love of their father in competition with their mother, get their first experience of femininity.

Partner Reply TheQuestion

To begin with, it is important to say that in an incomplete family you can grow up to be an absolutely harmonious person. But if a girl is experiencing some kind of deficiency, then in psychotherapy there are a number of methods that allow you to play this scenario and work it out. For example, psychodrama. In addition, the father figure can be found in other men - usually teachers, older friends, colleagues become such figures. Any person who can provide a girl with parental care and support.

Sometimes this turns into a series of relationships with partners much older than themselves. If a relationship with a large age difference is repeated over and over again, most likely this is an attempt to make up for the deficit of what is not received from the parents. Sometimes a person enters into such a marriage, and then grows up - and for the next relationship is already looking for peers.

I have been writing the answer for several days, it’s time to finally finish. :)

I want to stipulate that I have a rather specific perception of such problems, and I may be getting it wrong. But I can decompose such a problem into several components:

1. Relationship with the mother. Children do not have their own ideas about how everything should be arranged. The human species also lacks instinctive paternity (there is an instinct to live in groups of individuals in which individuals of any sex and age can be found, but this is different), the institution of paternity is entirely sociocultural, and rather fresh (it looked different before the formation of the nuclear family). That is, there is a possibility that a keen desire to have a father, with some research, will turn out to be a processing of the mother's desire to have a beloved and loving man by her side, as well as regrets about the inability to give something to the child alone. Added to this is the reaction to the situation of external observers (neighbors, teachers, etc.), the pedaling of the topic of fatherhood in pop culture, the child's own guilt for the fact that his mother's presence alone is not enough for happiness, and all this forms a complex of the species " I am wrong because I am growing / raised without a father. "

2. If there is no father, he still exists. Why you didn't have a father is an important point. If you found him, and then he left or died, then this is a trauma of loss, severe at any age, and especially in childhood. Usually, regardless of the reasons for the loss, it takes the form of resentment. Moreover, if we are talking about the "left" option, then often we get such love-hate and problems with accepting oneself as the person who was abandoned / who comes from such a bad person who abandoned his mother. If we are talking about death, then the feeling of guilt for this offense, which does not allow working with it normally, is usually a thick layer on the offense. If you never knew your father, then the question arises, what exactly do you know about him, what you were not told, and what your psyche has built out of this itself, including unconsciously. Lyudmila Petranovskaya has very good texts about completing the building of silence figures by the child's psyche. In short, the psyche is capable of reconstructing vital information about its parents and assimilating it with almost magical accuracy, in fact, building itself in the image and likeness of a completely unknown person, therefore, hiding such information is a trauma in itself.

And all these confused feelings, firstly, are mixed with the feelings of the mother on the same occasion and are reflected from them, and, secondly, one way or another they apply to men in general.

3. Lack of experience in building relationships with male figures (if there weren't any of them nearby; if there were, but not the father, but someone else, then you will use models of relationships with these others).

4. Lack of experience of acceptance and approval from the male figure (similar to point 3).

As for the last two points, girls who grew up surrounded by their fathers, grandfathers, brothers and uncles in any number often do not have the content of point 4. And the content of point 3 is such that nothing is better. For mental health, loving and happy parents are needed, and not supplied in a specific configuration.

That is, my answer to the question "what to do" is "first to understand the structure of the trauma." In particular, to decide which specific figure and what specific events it refers to (this is a work that may never end in its own way, I have lived for how many years, I have been reviewing the events of my past for so many years, but each new iteration helps to look at everything more objectively , calmly, respectfully, directly and ultimately become freer and stronger). Then - try to separate your feelings for the father from the feelings of the mother for the father and, in general, for men.

In my opinion, it is very important to understand that the main contribution to the development of the child's psyche, which parents make, is not an imperishable image of happiness, to which we need to return, but a way of relations with ourselves and the world, which becomes the basis of our personality. That is, maybe you lack some kind of dialogue with yourself, permission to be strong, capable, independent, to take a place you deserve in the world, a way to look at yourself with a respectful and loving look. This I am describing the approximate content of the most complete paternal acceptance that exists in our culture. But, firstly, the presence of a father did not give all this to very many girls, and, secondly, the final goal is not to find all this somewhere in the outside world, but to learn to give it all to oneself. See all your gaps and shortages and make up for them.

Well, and a small, very simple remark - if you need to work out a relationship with your mother, it is best to look for a good woman psychotherapist, if with your father, then a man. In general, close relationships with men and what usually happens in them is a good mirror of what you are trying to get from your father's figure within yourself, how much you can do it and what happens at the same time.

A father for a little girl is a stone wall. If she is, the girl feels safe. That is why girls who grew up without a dad often feel an urgent need for a sense of security. Not in teddy bears and going to a restaurant on the 20th floor, not in love letters and cute sms at night, but in safety. How to give her this feeling?

1) Financial stability. Not a luxury, but stability. A man should have a decent regular monthly income, because a girl needs to be sure that tomorrow and the day after tomorrow you will have food and a roof over your head.

2) Emotional stability. A man should not be prone to tantrums or panic attacks, which are almost the same thing. An alarmist is like a boat that is thrown from side to side in waves. What confidence can you talk about with such a person?

3) Maturity of the mind. If the previous points can be solved by looking for a good job and working on oneself, then maturity is either innate, or comes only with years and experience. That is why girls who grew up without a father often choose older men as companions (and not because they want to look small against their background). What is meant by such a concept as the maturity of the mind? This is the ability to make decisions and be responsible for them, this is the knowledge of how to do something "according to the mind." Ability to plan ahead and calculate moves in advance. For example, to put a spare tire in the trunk so as not to end up in the middle of the field with a flat tire. Check the availability of a warranty card when buying a TV, so that later it does not turn out that the TV does not work, and the store "does not know anything." Take extra money on vacation in case a collapse occurs (missed the plane / delayed the flight / didn't check in to the hotel / robbed, etc.) A girl should feel that a man can be entrusted with any business and he will do it right.

Girls, I have such a situation in my family. I live with my sister (who is 2 years younger than me) and my mother. We have a dad (mom is divorced from him), he does not live with us, but he comes to us almost every day. He is not my own father, but he adopted me in early childhood (I was 2 years old). The problem is that (probably it will not be surprising to sound) my father always disliked me, all my life. And he always showed great love and care for his sister. Of course, this is how it should be, you say, because she is his own daughter, and I am not. But all my life I have been haunted by terrible resentments because I do not have a father and do not have the kind of love that my sister receives. I envy her. Now I am already an adult (I am 19), but even now I sometimes feel hurt to tears for such an attitude of my dad to me.
For the last 2 years, the financial issue in this problem has arisen.
The fact is that when I was younger, everything was more or less normal. Dad gave us pocket money, BOTH of us. Once he even gave gifts of equal value (he simply did not have a choice, for the NEW YEAR I chose the same expensive phone as my sister. I had to buy) although usually she was given all the best and most expensive, unlike me. In general, I was younger, everything was fine. But when I turned 17 and graduated from school, my dad abruptly stopped providing me in any way. Those. if earlier he came and gave us both for some amount, now he began to come and give more and more money only to my sister. I don't know why he sharply limited me in his financial support, apparently decided that I was already an adult and should cope on my own. I did not manage for long: I got a job for the summer. But then I entered the institute and, naturally, I could no longer work. The only thing he paid then and to this day is half the amount for the institute (the other half is paid by his mother). And that's all. Girls, I am not enraged by the fact that I do not have my own money as such, I am enraged by the fact that I see the same picture almost every day: my sister is chic: she needs clothes, dad came and gave money, she needs a laptop, go and bought it. She's going to go somewhere, please get some money for a ticket. By the way, I have never been anywhere in my life. My sister has already managed to visit the seas, in Germany and recently in Poland. Dad paid for all this. Nobody even asked me if I wanted to go somewhere. It's a shame to tears ...
In general, recently my sister had a birthday. You have no idea what kind of holiday they arranged for her: mom and dad set a table for her for 20 guests (and, by the way, none of the relatives entered them, only her friends - that is, my mother had to go to the hotel for the whole night so as not to interfere with the “princess.” I was with my martyr), she had fun all night ... Dad gave her: a phone for 28 thousand + gold earrings + also gave the amount for clothes.
And now, for comparison, my last birthday: my dad gave me 5 thousand rubles and THIS IS ALL. do you feel the difference? I did not celebrate my birthday with friends, everything was modest and quiet.
In general, this situation is repeated from year to year. Sister's birthday for dad is a real holiday, he just presents her from head to toe. On her 18th birthday, he is going to give her a car at all. while he gave me the same 5 thousand rubles for 18 years ...
It's hard to write all this ... I write and tears flow ... I really hurt and hurt. It's not even about money, it's about attitude.
By the way, the last relationship with his sister has been disgusting for several years. She spreads rot in every way, constantly yells, she is rude and ill-mannered, rude even to my mother. She does absolutely nothing around the house, only I am always cleaning. In general, she is a spoiled creature. Rough, but true.
I tried to talk to my dad. You have spoken it all to him several times already. He smiles a little and forgets. everything continues.
Well, you can't be cute by force, as they say. I can't make a person treat himself better than he wants ...
In general, I have so much resentment and anger accumulated, and I still want to write so much that I get confused ... My mom always understood this whole situation, she also talked to dad, but nothing affects him. I think he secretly hates me.
Now, briefly about the main thing. For a long time I want and try to forget this whole situation, not pay attention, wish them both (dad and sister) happiness and try to be independent and independent. I’m even ready to leave college and go to work, because it spoils my life so much that I can’t endure it all! I also really want to move out and start living on my own, but naturally I don't have the finances for all this yet! There is a MCH, he will not be able to live either, we want to shoot together, but when it will work out, it is still unknown, tk. he also has big financial problems. In general, girls, tell me, what would you do in my place ?! Who had a similar situation, how did you manage? really looking forward to your answers

Hello Julia.

Happy Holidays! And best wishes to you and your baby in the New Year!

Let your letter be not very verbose, but after reading it, I thought that you are a caring mother. And therefore it seems to me that you are unlikely to be able to bring any serious harm to your child.

As for talking about dad, in my opinion, the following options may not be very useful:

1. If you lie to the child and come up with some stories. One way or another, the truth will be revealed someday (this happens quite often). And this will really not be in your favor and not in his favor.

2. If you tell your child that he has no father. Some mothers say so, fixing on the fact that dad does not participate in the child's life in any way - neither materially, nor morally. Although, in fact, this is not entirely true. Because biological paternity is not going anywhere. And any child has a father (whatever he may be in his behavior).

3. If you, concealing resentment or anger at the child's father for such behavior, will expose the child's father exclusively in a negative light.

Therefore, in my opinion, it is easier to think about these three points and not translate them into reality.

Now about the answer to the question.

Your child will ask you this question more than once, or generally questions about dad. If, of course, there is trust between you and you will allow him to talk to you on this topic.

It is important to keep in mind that the same question asked by a child at different ages requires different answers. Because at different ages, the child is able to digest information in different ways. And the degree of concreteness and volume of explanations is also different for him. The older you are, the more and more specific you need to explain. The younger the child, the more he gets by with simple general explanations.

A signal that your explanation is not enough will be additional questions from the child. If he is satisfied with the answer given to him, it means that for the time being he has enough of what he has.

It is difficult for me to write you the options for the answers for your child, because he has not yet asked you such a question and at what age he will do it, now it is not known. In addition, I do not know the history of your relationship with his father, and how things are now (other than what you wrote). In this regard, there is not enough information to recommend what exactly to answer so that it is true and acceptable for you too.

The main thing that I want to convey to you is that, in my opinion, it is worth telling the child that he has a dad. You can even tell your child about it if he wants to. For example, you somehow know something about this man (what he is), since you had a sexual relationship with him. You have the image of this man. And in it, I think, there are advantages and disadvantages. Maybe you still have some photos that you can show your child if he wants.

It is important for a child to know about their parents - about what they are and what they are, even if they are not around. This is important for its development and self-image. The absence of an image of a father (or mother) or the formation of a negative image of a father (or mother) in a child ultimately leads to great confusion or psychological difficulties and problems.

You can also answer in different ways about where dad is. We can say that once you separated, stopped being together, and now he lives somewhere separately. What happens in life. If you know something about him now, you can also talk about it to the child (he left for another city, for example, if this is really so).

Also remember that if you don’t know something, you have the right to answer your kid that you don’t know the answer to his question. Or you can say that he is asking a difficult question for you and you need to think about how to answer him. Then you will take time for yourself to formulate the answer (on your own or in consultation with someone).

It seems to me that knowing these general points is enough to be ready for the child's question and not worry about it yet, because the question has not yet been asked!

Remember that despite the fact that you are a mother, you have the right to get confused, not to be ready to answer right away at the same minute, you have the right to take a break to think about the answer. Perhaps, if you give yourself this right, your anxiety will also become less severe.

And also remember that your child is already aware of the basic fact of dad's absence - he encounters him every day. And he grows in this, develops. And I think, no less happy than other children. The most difficult thing in this sense is already happening. It is unlikely that you can greatly worsen the life of your child by formulating some imperfect explanation about this. Yes and no, there are no perfect explanations.

Good answer 1 Bad answer 2 It is no secret that today the number of single mothers is very large. Moreover, if earlier incomplete families were formed mainly on the initiative of a man who did not want to burden himself with obligations, nowadays women consciously choose this path for themselves.

Let's look at the problems that a mother and a child who does not have a dad have to face.

Not enough time to communicate with the child

Let's start with an obvious problem. The need to independently support the family inevitably entails a lack of time to communicate with the child. As a result, it turns out that the child, already deprived of parental attention, is left alone with his questions and needs.

Probably needless to say, as you grow up, it will be more difficult to establish a trusting and warm relationship with him. A grown-up child, even though mentally realizing that your constant absence was necessary for his own good, will never forgive what he did not receive in his time maternal love and care.

Everything is trite here. Spend more time with your child. And if you have an extra hour, even when you are very tired, it is better, instead of watching a cartoon together, talk to your baby, tell him something new, show that you miss him and yourself are upset that you have to do so much. work.

The boy has no one to look up to

We are accustomed to believe that the negative impact of an inferior family is especially strong when a woman has to raise one son. Of course, a boy needs to have a model of male behavior in front of him. And if there is no adult man next to him (or even worse - men are constantly changing, due to the fact that the mother, fearing to remain lonely, is in continuous search), then the boy cannot form a full-fledged idea of ​​what a man should be ...

Growing up, he enters a world that lives according to laws incomprehensible to him, the child does not know who he is in this shaky space of human relationships. There is no need to talk about the consequences. Trying to find some kind of support, the child often falls under the bad influence.

Mothers have to take on the functions of a father

The absence of a father disrupts the harmonious process of growing up, for both the boy and the girl. In psychology, there is such a concept - "ideal family". This is a conditional model of a family in which the most favorable conditions for the existence of its members have been created. A mother in such a family personifies support and approval for the child. She always forgives offenses, regrets when it hurts, she is ready to listen and understand.

But the real world is not that simple. Therefore, the child must be taught to use not only the bounty of human soulfulness. He needs to be taught to survive in a world in which relationships between people are built according to certain laws. And this is precisely the function of the father. The father criticizes, directs, punishes, fosters willpower.

The upbringing process inevitably includes the gradual introduction of norms and restrictions. It all starts with the pot, when the child is weaned from peeing in his pants and forced to use the pot - that is, to obey the rules.

Further more. The child is growing. He begins to explore the world around him, to show interest in everything he encounters, he has his own conscious desires: “I want it! I want that! " As a result, if only his mother is next to him, then he can easily turn into a spoiled, capricious lazy person.

Sometimes a woman, left alone, tries to deal with this problem, taking over the functions of a man. But here another danger lies in wait for her. The inconsistent behavior of the mother (she sometimes accepts the child and supports whatever he does, then scolds and punishes) gives him both love and hatred for her and a general feeling of instability and danger of the world.

On this basis, increased anxiety develops, self-esteem is lowered. The worst thing in this situation is that it is this basic attitude, which is laid in the baby, then will accompany him all his life.

Psychologist's recommendations:

Don't let yourself get lost on the child. If he has done something, try to explain to him what he is wrong about. Say that this makes you very sad because you love him very much and do not want him to do such things.