Do not get attached to a person and he. Solving problems with attachment and love addiction

There are many incomprehensible things in the relationship between a man and a woman. Each of us wants to be loved. But how not to become strongly attached to a man? Sometimes it is difficult to grasp where the line between healthy and already painful attachments ends. Where is love and where is addiction? And in general, in a relationship, you need to become attached to a man quickly, or is it better to keep your distance as long as possible?

How not to get attached too much?

Affection trap

Where love is kindled, there always appear her fellow travelers - dependence and affection. After all, a child is born completely dependent on other people, and it is on this basis that his love and affection then develop. As strange as it may seem, love, even in relationships with parents, does not always arise immediately.

Love is acceptance of the other with all its merits and demerits. This is the ability to perceive a person as a whole. The child, in the first years of his life, sees his mother only in the best possible light. She is for him the best, the smartest, the most beautiful, well, in general, the best. He certainly idealizes the parent figure. And only in adolescence begins the process when idealization leaves and in its place comes de-idealization... During this period, a teenager sees only one drawbacks and weaknesses of his parents.

And only after passing this stage does it become possible to accept parents as they are, and it is this acceptance that opens up in a person the ability to mature love.

In a pair, in the same way, a man and a woman will have to come to true love, going through dependence and affection. At the same time, someone successfully solves the tasks set before the soul, and someone gets stuck in the negative.

If the child's need for love has never been satisfied, then in the future, an adult will seek to fill the gap in the relationship. In pursuit of love, a woman does not notice how she falls into her own trap. Being in a long and close relationship with a man, she does not see how, becoming attached to him, she begins to lose herself. It seems to dissolve. Her desires and interests disappear. She subordinates herself and her life to HIM. And not because she loves her very much, but because SHE NEEDS him to love her. She needs to envelop the man in the web of her love so that he cannot go anywhere. She wants to make an invisible cocoon, in which there is only HE and SHE.

It often happens that, having lived with a man for many years, a woman suddenly experiences great disappointment. Looking back, she realizes that she gave her best years to her family and husband, but what is the result? He found young and beautiful. The children flew out of the nest. And then a woman faces a difficult task - to find a new meaning in life. How to find what you want to live for? How to find joy and learn to appreciate every moment of life?

It is necessary to understand that you never need to do something. only for the sake of another person. Always ask yourself: "Do I want this?" Sometimes a woman clearly feels and realizes that she does not want something, but there is a word "must" ...

Often you are absolutely sure that you know what you want to do, but only then for some reason disappointment and pain appear.

Feminine nature has a desire to give more than receive. Therefore, she becomes attached faster and stronger. In a relationship, the one who gives more is more attached.

The power of attachment

Why it happens? Why do you think a person begins to feel love for flowers, trees, which he looks after? Why are some of us more attached to animals than to humans? How does attachment arise?

Attachment arises when you put in effort for a long time and constantly, taking care of someone or about something, in one word you put your energy, time and energy. As soon as you begin to give your energy, you become attached to the object to which you are giving a part of yourself.

We love people not for the good they do to us, but for the good that we do for them. The more we invest in relationships, the faster and stronger we bond.

We also become attached when we think a lot about a man. We replay the conversations in our head, his monologues. We think about the reasons for the quarrels and his problems.

Anchors appear when we react emotionally to something. It's not for nothing that they say that if you want to be remembered, the feelings of the interlocutor are hurt. And it doesn't matter which ones. Even anger. The person we have pissed off will remember us for a long time.

We also become attached when we care about someone. Cooking, cleaning, washing ... “Have you taken the medicine? Did you make an appointment with a doctor? " If you have recently met a man, do not start caring about him until you are sure that he is actually the one you need. Don't get attached too quickly yourself and don't attach someone who may not be your man at all.

We also get attached when we have sex. All excuses of women that they need sex only for health are self-deception. One for health, two ... and then I want it for the soul.

Don't lose yourself in affection

If you think that your to a man prevents you from living, then start giving less of your energy to him and the relationship in general. Don't fill the entire space with yourself. Don't deprive your man of the opportunity to do something for you. Thus, you will stimulate the emergence of his feelings for you. Although women, striving for love with all their might, act the other way around - they try to do more for a man and demand less of him. They create simply gorgeous conditions next to them. And then they complain about how comfortable he is with her and how well he settled down. And they feel used and unhappy.

Whether you like it or not, any of us will offend if there is no reciprocity. Especially if we, one-sidedly, put in the effort. Doing something for someone, without realizing it, we expect gratitude and, without receiving it, we get offended. And resentment, like rust, eats away at a relationship. Taking offense, we emotionally distance ourselves from the person, and at the same time he may feel abandoned and unnecessary, lonely.

Women's grievances, discontent and anger at a man lead to the fact that his affairs begin to get upset, all sorts of troubles begin to happen to him. Of course, a woman is not a monster that sends black forces to a partner, but she is able to influence the joint space. Being next to an offended, disgruntled partner, a man cannot be prosperous and successful. But do not rush to take responsibility for everything that happens. These processes are MUTUAL. The man also contributes to the formation of female discontent.

What conclusion can be drawn from the above? Learn to hear and listen to YOURSELF. Become independent of male love and attention. Don't make the only goal of your life the pursuit of love, to be loved. Then you can be more free in your relationship. You will not be afraid of loneliness.

To be happy with a man, you need to learn to be happy without him, learn to live without him. Fill your life, but leave the place for HIM, just in case. Suddenly, your long-awaited one will come to the light, but do not wait for him, sitting by the window ...

Feminine and masculine energies in relationships

Often a woman, building a relationship with a man, cannot bring herself to do her usual things. Her life before marriage and there are very different. Before marriage, there were girlfriends, joint women's gatherings, trips, sports, a bath, cosmetic procedures. It was not difficult to keep yourself in shape.

And after 2-3 years of living together with a man, all this gradually fades away. It is more and more difficult for a woman to force herself to exercise, to take care of herself. And the man, on the contrary, begins to miss the past. And it turns out that she becomes attached, becomes to some extent dependent, and the man, on the contrary, is burdened by too sticky relationships. This is how the female and male energies behave. It also happens otherwise. The man becomes more childish and the woman more active. This means that the ratio of feminine and masculine energies is violated in union, in the usual sense. In a man, more feminine energy accumulates and he becomes more attached. And a woman, in whom there is more male energy, gets tired of being with a man.

Another reason for women's neglect may also lie in the fact that without a man you NEEDED to look good for HIM. And having found a partner, you relaxed. But it turns out that you did everything not for myself.

If you have order and delicious food prepared, when a man is in the house, and without him mountains of dishes can “decorate” your kitchen for days, how do you feel about yourself? It turns out that the desire to receive the love of a man pushes you to feats, but you are not capable of the same efforts out of love for yourself.

Strong attachment leads to the fact that the woman loses herself ... But this is delusion. She does not lose herself, but, on the contrary, reveals the real SELF. And everything that came before was just a mask, carefully hiding her childish dependent part.

This process is inevitable in a long and serious relationship. However, you need to be aware of what kind of man is next to you. Is it worth getting attached to someone who does not have good human qualities? To someone who, after some time, will lose interest in you and, most importantly, respect?

It's not easy not to lose yourself in a relationship. And this is an inevitable process. In my programs, I teach you not to be afraid to dissolve in a relationship and find yourself real again.

But in order not to lose yourself, you need to feel your inner core, your “I”. Moreover, there may be a rod, but only it is rigid, "metal". And when it breaks, you lose yourself. In this case, you have to form a new rod - strong, but flexible, soft, unbreakable.

Many women told me how, after parting, they began to actively move up the career ladder. Become prosperous.

And what prevented them from doing this, being next to a man - to be successful and realized? Why, for many, marriage becomes a stop in their own development? Why does a wonderful feeling of love turn into a cage for a woman's soul?

We come to Earth in order to hone our two abilities:

Learn to love and be realized in the business for which we were given our abilities; as well as losing and rediscovering oneself in a relationship.

But remember, before you lose yourself, make sure that next to you is a real, your, man. you will find out what kind of YOUR man he is.

How not to lose yourself too quickly and not get attached too much ?

1. Know yourself.
Realize your desires and goals in life. What else do you want besides being with a man? If you forgot, then it's time to remember. If you don't know, it's time to learn. You must see your way of life and feel yourself.

It often happens that a man, realizing or not, takes a woman away from herself and her desires only because her needs do not fit into his picture of life. For example, the husband does not want the woman to work. And when she tells him that it would be interesting for her to work, he begins to argue why it is not necessary to do this: “It’s not profitable,” “You will be more useful at home,” “We don’t need money,” “You don’t need enough of how much do I give? I will give you even more money ”,“ Come on, we’ll go somewhere to relax, apparently, you’re tired of being at home, you need to change the environment ... ”. And the woman forgets about her desire for a while. This happens several times, and now she completely abandons her aspirations. The journey quickly switches her thoughts - if the child insists on his desire, then he does not need to be denied in a harsh, categorical form, it is enough just to transfer his attention to something else.

An adult, in contrast to a child, constantly keeps his desires and goals in sight.

2. Do not switch quickly to another topic of conversation.
If you have a specific question for a man, and he avoids answering in every possible way, do not lose the thread and purpose of the conversation. Persistently, but gently, return him to the problem of interest to you.

3. Don't make hasty decisions.
Feminine emotionality often pushes you to make hasty promises. And your natural decency will not allow you to later abandon what you have already promised.

4. The most vulnerable female feeling is pity.
A woman can do a lot for a man, not so much out of love as out of pity. And many have lived like this with their husbands for years. “But how? "He will be lost without me."

And how many women out of pity forgive men for rude treatment of themselves. Remember, pity arises only because there is a child hidden deep within you who needs your sympathy. Not finding and not feeling him, you become extremely susceptible to the man's suffering.

5. Learn to take attention, gifts, care from a man.
Include it in the process of spending - emotions, money, time, care, tenderness ... Do not rush to fill the entire space with yourself. Do not invest in a relationship at first, but rather watch a man. Don't feel obligated to sleep with your boyfriend if he paid for you in a restaurant. And do not seek to pay for yourself. Let a man take care of you.

Having accepted something from a man, do not feel obligated, do not jump for joy, having received one rose as a gift. At the beginning of dating, do not fill the man with your emotions. Do not throw a flurry of your love and unspent tenderness on him. Do not spend financially.

6. Don't fall for pretty words.
Observe the actions of the man. Do not get fooled by all these conversations: “I dreamed about you. God himself sent you to me. I don’t know why I deserve such a gift. ” Be careful. Don't fall into the carefully woven cobwebs of Casanova, who needs you as another trophy. By the way, if you meet Don Juan on your way, then this is perhaps better. Don Juan is at least sincerely interested in a woman. True, he had and will have such hobbies ... in general, you are not the final station on his journey.

Let go of your strong desire to be loved! Don't limit yourself to just having a relationship with a man. Life is diverse, and you came to Earth to learn to love yourself first of all, and only then your loved ones.

Find your purpose in life. Find meaning in many things, as well as lack thereof.

Do you want to find yourself and get rid of your addiction and attachment to a man?Come to me on

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey

Practical recommendations will help you understand that you are attached to a satellite.

1. A girl who is dependent on a man (attached to him) constantly wants to be close to her partner. She is tormented by obsessive thoughts of where and with whom he is.
2. Eccentric natures are "led" to the appearance of a man. They are fascinated only by his pumped-up torso, white-toothed smile, dimples on his cheeks, and not by the spiritual component. This aspect characterizes attachment, not love.
3. It is not difficult to distinguish between the two feelings by observing the general condition. If you notice that at first you start to be interested in a man, and the next moment you practically forget about him, this is attachment.
4. Many girls in relationships experience a lack of love and affection all the time. If you truly love, feelings literally begin to warm from within. Such couples can overcome anything.
5. A quick observation will help you understand that you are attached to a man. If you give up hobbies, work, and other stages of personal growth, feelings are not love. You immersed (attached) not to your own "I", but to the gentleman.
6. Attachment is also characterized by a sharp decline in the number of people with whom close contacts were maintained yesterday. Often, a girl cannot experience positive emotions in communicating with friends and colleagues, since she is completely carried away by her betrothed.
7. As mentioned earlier, love helps to overcome all obstacles without developing depression. Affection, in turn, creates overly negative emotions during separation. Many girls experience tremendous stress when a partner is not around for 2-3 hours.
8. Distinguishing affection from love will help a sober view of behavior in a quarrel. If you only want to fight and not find a compromise, the relationship is doomed to failure. Well-balanced couples always have constructive dialogues.
9. If you and a young man do not sit on cozy evenings with a bottle of wine, discussing plans for the future, we can assume that there is no love. Strong bonds mean constant discussions and desires, shared dreams.
10. Symbiotic attachment is characterized by complete dissatisfaction of their own needs, even the most elementary ones. During this time, the needs of the vampire partner are fully realized.

Important! It should be emphasized that actions a la "I love you!", Performed at the beginning of a relationship, are the norm. In this case, people are still getting used to each other, so attachment is not considered painful, dependent. The main difference is that the lover finds a place in his life for connection, while the attached partner replaces his own being with new relationships.

Attachment is detrimental to the human being. When a girl has violent feelings towards a man, she forgets about herself. This is where problems with personal growth (spiritual and material) begin, apathy and uncertainty appear.

Method number 1. Find a hobby

1. A hobby is a powerful tool that allows you to find peace of mind in a short time. Go to nature, sit down and think about what you have dreamed of for many years? Have you wanted to go to the gym for a long time, but didn't have enough money? Take the savings set aside for the next present to your partner, go in for sports.
2. Haven't you flew on vacation for over a year? Get together with your friends, go to Europe for a week. Set goals for yourself, do not stop there. Start attending Spanish or English courses, these languages ​​are among the leaders in speaking and writing in the world.
3. An excellent option for distraction and complete concentration on yourself is the choice of an active hobby. This includes absolutely everything: snowboarding, skiing, skating, cycling, go-karting, rock climbing, swimming. If you consider yourself to be a brave person, jump with a parachute or rope.
4. Live for your pleasure, take care of your own well-being, learn to invest in the future. Sign up for popular courses like manicure and pedicure, tailoring and sewing, photography and woodcarving.
5. At this stage, your main task is to think about yourself and fill the day to the maximum. If you get very tired, thoughts of a man will start to fade into the background.
6. Get together with friends more often, visit cinemas, bowling, water park. Get in the habit of regularly going out for walks, go out of town for a barbecue, and go on excursions.

Method number 2. Get a pet

1. As mentioned earlier, feelings of attachment stem from a fear of being alone. The girl directs all love, tenderness and care to the man, forgetting about her own needs. To avoid a disastrous outcome of events, get a pet.
2. The choice depends on individual preferences. A dog takes time, care and patience. The cat can be at home alone, she also needs affection and constant care. If we talk about parrots, they are funny, talkative and unpretentious.
3. A new companion will save you from loneliness, especially at first, which is what you need to achieve. It is important to direct your feelings to those who need it. In this case, you will not lose yourself, finding peace of mind.

Method number 3. Travel more

1. Ask your boss for a vacation. Spend it not with a young man, but with friends or colleagues. You can also go abroad in splendid isolation.
2. Consider beach resorts if you haven't bathed in the sea for a long time. Lovers of attractions and small streets are advised to purchase sightseeing tours.
3. You do not need to invest all the money in your vacation, you just need to choose a burning ticket on the Internet, pack your suitcase 3 hours before departure and hit the road.
4. Many girls do not have foreign passports. In this case, go on a mini-tour of the cities of your country. Visit distant relatives, visit friends in a neighboring city.
5. Get your camera, take a lot of pictures, print them on arrival and decorate the walls. At this stage, the main task is to find new impressions and inspiration.

Method number 4. Analyze thoughts

1. Practice meditation. Take a hot herbal bath, play soothing music, close your eyes and relax. Think about what exactly you want to get from your partner? Many people are unable to interpret their own thoughts, which is considered a serious omission.
2. If you are in harmony with the mind, the answer will not be long in coming. A girl attached to a man fills the spiritual emptiness with her current relationship. She is looking for any ways of addiction, sending herself into shackles voluntarily.
3. Such an attitude towards a man does not characterize love. Try to fill in the gaps using the other available methods described above. Fight apathy, do not follow the lead of insecurity and boredom.
4. Many girls want to part with a man, but cannot do this. In such situations, addiction requires the intervention of a qualified professional.

Method number 5. Take care of yourself

1. It's time to take care of your own appearance. Go to the mirror, evaluate the figure, hair, makeup, smile and posture. Are you satisfied with everything? Maybe you don't like the lack of proper hair and nail care? Or don't you like the condition of your skin, extra folds at the waist? It's time to rectify the situation!
2. Sign up for a gym or sports school. Consider the interesting sections (again, as a hobby). Latin American dances, breathing exercises, stretching, martial arts, swimming, yoga are considered effective directions.
3. Revise your wardrobe. Throw in the trash or give your friends the things that don't fit well. Get rid of old shoes, bags, cosmetics. Choose a beautiful outfit, sexy lingerie, high heels. These small purchases will inspire you and make you feel like a woman.
4. Give meaning to the perfume you are using. It shouldn't be repulsive and harsh. Give preference to light, subtle aromas. Tidy up your hairstyle, dye your hair, change the image.
5. It is important to understand that investing in your appearance will remind you of the old days when you lived only by yourself. You should always have a bit of selfishness so as not to infringe on your own interests. Make the most of your time by shopping every month.

It is difficult enough to get rid of attachment to a person if it is caused by a number of psychological aspects. First, analyze your own thoughts, learn to say goodbye to people. Invest in your spirituality, look after your appearance. Develop financially, get a pet, travel more.

Video: how to overcome attachment to another person

Determine why you feel like you have an attachment problem. Perhaps you have previously had a clear belief or belief that you have abandoned? Do you still want to re-establish a relationship with someone who has abandoned you or stopped caring about you? Are there things in your life that you allow to define yourself? Or have you experienced great personal loss or tragedy?

Don't create unhealthy attachments. It's always best to cultivate new beliefs and build friendships gradually. Don't waste all your energy, I devote absolutely all emotions to a new person or belief; delve slowly to avoid disappointment.

Learn to deal with certain attachment problems. Such problems can interfere with your progress in life. They need to be dealt with in order to bring renewal into your life and continue to grow. Below you can read about the most common attachments that get in the way of people in life:

• Change of beliefs. Perhaps you once understood the reason or considered yourself an adherent of something that you now remember with dislike or disgust. The beliefs that you had before are just the beliefs that you once had, nothing more. You should focus on keeping your current beliefs morally grounded, rather than wasting extra energy worrying about your past thoughts. If your old beliefs were particularly vicious, you should try to cleanse yourself by helping those you have wronged.
• Relationships with indifferent or problematic people. You need to get rid of them. Realize that all the feelings of mutual friendship or love that you felt for this person had rather shaky foundations. This does not mean that you did not have pleasant moments with this person, but it does mean that you should put this whole situation aside until the second person realizes what he did wrong. (Important: This does not apply to domestic violence or violent relationships. Seek protection, psychological counseling, and legal assistance in such situations.)
• Attachment to things. Many people let possessions define themselves and ultimately what we own can hold us back. If you cannot move away from the clutter, cannot change your lifestyle for fear of not being able to place all the treasures that you have amassed, it is time to change. Letting go of attachment to things frees you up for a life of purpose, rather than returning you to the imaginary comfort of your possessions.
• Personal tragedy or loss. You may have had tragic experiences in life, and you may cling to the past and blame yourself. Grief is a natural part of life, but not something worth staying in for long. Remember that there is only one time - the present. By clinging to the past, you allow the present to flow away and close your future. If you're not careful, it's very easy to blame yourself and refuse to move on. There are many other people who need your encouragement and love, and just because it was too late to change your situation, you should not deprive yourself of the joy of helping others in a similar situation.

Stop being afraid of losses. Attachment to work, certain people, possessions, or beliefs can drag us into fear of losing these anchor points in our lives. When things go wrong, which inevitably happens intermittently, our grief can hinder growth and contribute to marking time. Accept the moment as it is and trust that what you have now is enough. At the same time, take steps to avoid becoming a humbly awaiting destiny. If things are not going well in the current situation, make plans to change your role in this situation, for example, send out job applications, create a new image or change the nature of your training, and so on.

Be friendly to yourself. Your self-esteem should come from within, and not appear or disappear because of what others think of you. Attachment to others becomes unhealthy when you continue to be around people who are “harmful” to you, simply because you are afraid of being alone or rejected. As a friend to yourself, you will no longer be afraid of the times when you are alone with yourself, and you will also be open to interacting with a wider group of people, instead of developing attachment to only a few people. And try to establish healthy relationships with the people you interact with on a daily basis, giving each other space and not expecting too much from each other.

Stop living an illusion. While it is important to strive for a better self, a better future, acceptance of what is happening now is vital to living in the present moment, in order to avoid the illusion that your happiness and completeness depend on unfulfilled accidents. Don't get attached to hopes and dreams in a way that would justify not paying attention to what is not working in your life right now. Accept things as they are now and work on what you want to improve with calmness and confidence.

• Obsession with the future is an attachment in the same way as obsession with the past. If you are already partially in the future, you miss the present and the feeling of how good your life is now, which determines your future achievements.

Learn to let go of attachment to feelings. Feelings are strong, but if we let them control us, we will be captured by these wayward masters. Accept that sometimes we feel pain and emptiness, but it is within our power to choose endless suffering or learn to learn from the lessons and move on. It is better to let your feelings out than to keep them inside, so expressing them will be more productive for you to use than if you close them in yourself. Write to a magazine, write poetry, anonymous blog posts, write a letter and burn it, or talk to your invisible or trusted best friend. Find an outlet for your feelings so that they do not serve you as unhealthy attachments.

Love is a wonderful and cheerful feeling. But if she fills the entire living space of a woman, squeezing out of it friends and relatives, personal interests and work, then a wonderful feeling turns into psychological dependence.

Woman strive tightly tie a man to yourself, leaving neither yourself nor him a minute of free time from these relationships. She is tormented by the fear of losing him - and hence there is groundless jealousy, hysteria. From such intimacy, the mental health of both suffers, but the woman herself suffers more. A man very quickly begins to feel weary about this relationship. , and their result is deplorable.

The difference between love and addiction is obvious - love is enjoyed and enjoyed. Addiction only brings pain and destroys the soul. And you need to get rid of it as soon as possible. Better not to allow it at all.

Consequences of female behavior triggered by morbid addiction are truly destructive. With them, she achieves the results that she fears most:

- the relationship is crumbling. A man categorically dislikes total control, unfounded and endless jealousy. Requirements of full accountability and constant closeness encroach on his right to privacy, make the relationship a prison;

- the man starts to lie even for the most innocent reason, just in case. He gets entangled in his own lies, which gives rise to another scandal;

Then he really starts looking for a reason not to meet this woman or come home as late as possible;

- a man with nostalgia begins to remember the time when he was free. And think that there are many other, calmer and more affectionate women in the world.

Only a masochist can withstand such pressure for a long time. A normal man at first will try to justify himself, explain himself and correct the situation. But he will not be able to live in constant expectation of an explosion and an incessant scandal. And when he begins to suffocate, he will go where he breathes freely.

And what does a woman look like if you look at her through the eyes of a man? She is constantly irritated, even aggressive, then a sudden change - she is engaged in self-digging and humbly begs for forgiveness. A rare woman in anger, with a distorted grimace of pain on her face, will be able to maintain her attractiveness. Life in a state of constant stress and nervous tension leaves its mark on the appearance - a woman becomes ugly.

But not only the appearance changes. The inner world of a woman is changing - she completely dissolves in a man, loses her individuality. Deeper only in relationships, she does not change, does not improve - and becomes uninteresting. Such a relationship destroys her as a person. , and she takes revenge on the man, trying to destroy him too.

The most common advice in this situation is to offer take your free time with some interesting business , in order to distract herself and give the man a rest and even get bored. Unfortunately, this often does not help. Mentally, the woman is still next to him, and the suspicion that the man, lost out of control, is doing something reprehensible, does not give him the opportunity to relax.

External employment, which is aimed only at creating an image, can only help for a short time. But most likely this is self-deception, which will reveal itself very quickly.

The cure for love addiction must be sought within oneself. Confidence and even self-confidence is the core that does not allow a woman to lose herself even in her beloved man. No activity, even the most interesting, will create this inner core.

Loved and loving people should complement each other, giving them the opportunity to develop, seek and find new things, make their lives more interesting and complete. And the substitution of personality is possible only if there is emptiness inside the person. And a woman seeks to fill her emptiness with her beloved, even if he does not want it.

And to prevent this from happening, you need to find yourself. Answer the questions - who am I? why do I exist? what is my ultimate goal? in what ways can I achieve it?

By answering these questions, a woman will find a man within herself, learn to respect him. New goals will appear and wide horizons will open up. She will be open to equal relationships that will bring joy and energy that will be constructive rather than destructive.

How to learn not to get attached to people?
1

Hello, I get used to people very much, and then it is difficult for me to part with them. What will you advise me how to do so as not to become attached to people?

I really need your advice !!!

Vladimir
Russia

There is nothing wrong with feeling "attached" to this or that person. After all, this means that you feel comfortable in his company, that you are not indifferent to his worries and difficulties, that you share with him his joys, worries and sorrows, etc.

In a word, the ability to "get used" to people is a positive trait. And you shouldn't get rid of it. First of all, because the process of such "deliverance" is associated with the development of callousness, indifference to others. And this is already - the negative properties of the human person. For we are all called to help others. Spiritually, materially, physically. By all means available to us. That is possible only in those cases when a person understands and shares the problems of people with whom he has to face.

You, judging by the content of your letter, apparently experienced a break with a loved one. And - experienced severe mental pain. Therefore, you are thinking about how to learn not to let people get too close to you. So that in the future parting is not a trauma for you. But is it possible, having protected the sphere of one's own emotions with an "impenetrable shell", to be friends and love? The answer to this question, I think, is obvious to everyone.

Since there is no specific information in your letter, of course, I don’t undertake to draw conclusions. However, I know from experience that parting with people dear to us is inevitable. Someone leaves for another city or another country, someone for one reason or another turns away from you ...

And, if the separation is not associated with a change of place of residence, it can become an occasion for a thorough, constructive introspection, an attempt to understand what actually happened, to realize what you did wrong (after all, in every separation, as a rule, there are two participants). And this is the first step towards learning how to maintain and maintain relationships with people. It is about this, in my opinion, that one should think about in the first place.

And further. In order to protect oneself as much as possible from "unnecessary" experiences, it is important to learn from the very beginning to correctly assess the possibilities for the development of relations and - kindly, but clearly enough to regulate the emotional distance. In practice, this is expressed in the ability to feel how much another person needs to communicate with you, and, on the other hand, to prevent rapprochement, if, in your opinion, it is fraught with unnecessary difficulties.

It is not easy to develop such a skill in oneself, but it is necessary. And you will have to acquire this quality on your own. There are no specific "recipes" for this and cannot be ...

In conclusion, I recommend reading the materials on the site on the topic of interest to you in the "Psychology" section. We have accumulated quite a lot of them. And in particular, I advise, first of all, to pay attention to the articles by Rosie Einhor and Sherri Zimmerman and