Transition period: psychology. Adolescence and adolescence. How can you help your teenager overcome the crisis? And the nerves are losing stability

24.05.2019

Your child grows up and one day begins to take offense if you did not prudently call him a child. This means that the time has come when he is ruthlessly and courageously ready to part with his childhood. Don't stop the teenager from growing up - better help, given some very important characteristics of adolescence ...

The peculiarities of adolescence are not only defiant behavior and the first acne on the face. During the period of growing up, the child is forced to experience colossal "overloads", especially psychological ones, and it is the parents who must help him pass this test "without losses" ...

Who are they - teenagers?

Domestic psychologists consider children from 11 to 15 years old to be adolescents. Is yours already mature? Even yesterday's baby, who asked, and maybe demanded attention and constant participation, becomes in communication with you closed, laconic, sometimes even allows himself "bad words." He already has secrets from you, and it is possible that they are really very important ones, which can affect the whole subsequent life - both him and yours, by the way.

As a self-expression, he cultivates external symbols - bright strands in his hair, "strange" clothes, perhaps even symbolic jewelry or tattoos, and you never know what else. Perhaps the study has become worse.

The transitional age is a period of great excitement for parents. Almost all families pass through them sooner or later. So do not despair - you are not alone, which means that you can find a suitable way out of any situation.

Your child is “transitioning” from childhood to adulthood. Well, any time of change is unsettling and ambiguous. Only one thing is certain - he still, and maybe even more, needs your love and understanding.

In adolescence (especially at 14-15 years old), children become especially secretive and aloof. Do not be intimidated by this! And in no case blame the child for coldness, indifference and betrayal. Just let the teenager adapt to the new features of the "adult" world for him, but at the same time do not let him forget that you are always ready to support him, and that you love him no less than before ...

Features of adolescence you should know about

The first feature. In early adolescence (11-13 years old), creative and logical thinking is still "recruits" in mental activity. And in the school curriculum, the percentage of tasks of a logical nature that require a creative approach increases - essays, essays, reports, speeches, etc. Before writing, say, a report, you need to think about its structure and find the information you need. It is quite difficult for a teenager to cope with this, he has not yet developed the ability for preliminary planning. And often a parent driven to despair, showing the above skills, writes an essay for his child himself.

If you see that it is easier for a child to evade than to cope with such a task, take the time and just help the child make a plan, as well as find sources of information - textbooks, dictionaries, encyclopedias, articles on the Internet. Then it will be much easier for him to cope with the task, and at the same time interest will wake up.

The second feature. Your teenager is actively developing, and, accordingly, the motivation for actions and behavior in general changes. Previously, it was enough to ask "please mom" or peremptory "so it is necessary" for the child to resignedly attend music school, but now he openly refuses to "strum" or simply starts to skip classes. The same situation can arise in relation to academic subjects.

Only when your child begins to realize the importance of this or that activity for himself personally, it will cease to be burdensome for him. However, it is precisely her - the significance - that a teenager will not always be able to evaluate on his own. What can you do, his life experience is still extremely small! Your task is to present, with a share of ingenuity and imagination, prospects that are likely to become a sufficient argument for the continuation of one or another of the child's activities.

For example, colorfully explain that the ability to play the guitar will allow him to easily get used to any company, and his drawing skills will amaze the imagination of the teenage community with some extraordinary graffiti ...

The third feature. An often annoying feature of adolescence for adults is the instability of the child's interests. Parents sometimes do not have time to track how often their child changes hobbies. Last week he played the guitar, yesterday he asked for money to buy videos, and today he wants to learn German - come here a teacher. It's okay - the more he tries, the easier it will be to make the right choices in the future. Every time the chosen business turns out badly, most adolescents easily and unpretentiously change their area of interest. They have something that up to the fact that you paid the German teacher six months in advance ...

So be careful. Help your "frivolous" child choose an activity that he would be able to do. You might be lucky to avoid frequent changes in his expensive hobbies, and at the same time he will develop confidence in his capabilities. And in this case, do not forget about the second feature - the visible prospect of labor will give the teenager an additional incentive.

The fourth feature. At this age, a new image of the physical "I" is formed. Interest in one's appearance rises exponentially, all its flaws are acutely experienced - most often imaginary. It is extremely important for a teenager to assess his appearance by others, especially peers, and, of course, compliance with fashion trends. Maximalism and enthusiasm for creative searches in transforming their appearance sometimes terrify parents and teachers. Calm down and become more tolerant - the teenager is very vulnerable.

It is in adolescence that children for the first time (and so far, alas, excessively) scrutinize their appearance. And often they are unforgivably critical of themselves ...

Contemptuous or mocking statements are unacceptable, especially since for the most part they are unfair. Careless remarks of adults or friends about the appearance - and these experiences will occupy the thoughts and feelings of the child for a long time. There is no time to study. And therefore, your help in choosing the image of a teenager will be invaluable if you look through a fashion magazine with him, voice the advantages of his appearance and think about how to emphasize them. At the very least, you will not be dull during this time.

The fifth feature. We hope that you are not very traumatized by the child's desire to communicate more with peers than with you. At this age, the need for communication with their own kind is extremely significant.

And the entry into adulthood in the overwhelming majority of cases is accompanied by the first love sung by poets more than once. Adolescents cannot resist the onslaught of new feelings, desires, sensations, they have not yet developed cultural norms of behavior, and self-control is insufficiently developed.

Your understanding, tactful advice, heart-to-heart talk in new and emotionally difficult situations for a teenager are simply invaluable. It is good if the school teachers turn out to be just as understanding, but today one cannot count on this too much. And if your "kid" has invited a whole class for his birthday, you will help him and yourself, as well as save the apartment from pogrom, if you tactfully help him plan this wonderful holiday and outline the boundaries of what is permissible in advance.

Feature six. A teenager is characterized by personal instability - he oscillates between blind obedience and rebellion against any pressure, between optimism and pessimism. The child realizes that he is a person, a person capable of taking responsibility for his life and making responsible decisions, but objectively he is not yet able to be truly responsible. Therefore, control is necessary, but not strict and directive, otherwise the child will do everything out of spite. Do not press, for he sublimates his independence by an unproductive struggle against the “ancestors”.

The fear for one's "blood" is understandable - there are indeed many dangers in the world. But the only effective defense against them is to learn to be responsible for your behavior, to see these dangers and avoid them. Even if the child makes a mistake, he will have his own life experience. This is the very path by which everyone grew wiser and grew up, and you too.

Your control is a constant relationship of trust, participation in the life of a teenager. Be prepared to always listen to your child. Offer him your advice, but leave it to the teenager to use it. Your passionate attempts to convince the child of the incorrectness of his decisions will not lead to the desired result - he will see in this only an attempt to impose his opinion and subjugate his will. But it will not be superfluous to tell your child that you are worried, worried about him and worried. And do not forget to tactfully point out the possible consequences of his act that you see.

Feature seventh. The combination of external rudeness and internal vulnerability is another feature of adolescence. Parents who are concerned about their child's problems show increased attention to him with a "negative charge." It can be condemnation, criticism of his appearance, or just an expression of your dissatisfaction. Very often, in response to our excessive anxiety, the teenager becomes withdrawn and rude, and this, by the way, is a natural defensive reaction.

Do not force your growing child to defend against you, do not forget to praise, notice all his successes. If he made a decision and turned out to be right, it is necessary to appreciate his perseverance and independence at its true worth. Please do not display your truly ephemeral adult superiority, always maintain a friendly and respectful tone. When you are worried, upset, angry, you are most likely acting impulsively. Note - the result is zero. If you express confidence that your child understands everything himself and makes the right decision, this will be the right move. Be sure to offer advice, however.

If a teenager trusts you, then he will definitely take note of your own plan of action. Just tell him frankly what you would do in this or that difficult situation, but be sure to make it clear to the child that you leave it to him to make the final decision.

Feature eighth. If you and I do something wrong, life punishes us. The child, on the other hand, has a unique chance - he himself can choose the encouragement and punishment. This is such a very adult game. When children make choices of reward and punishment, they become more aware of the consequences of their behavior, and this increases their responsibility. It is always best to use encouragement and it is important that the promised reward is received. What can it be? In fact, you will be surprised, but children do not always strive to receive only material rewards.

In a survey conducted among pupils of grades 7-8 of one school near Moscow, to the question "The most desirable encouragement", teenagers for the most part chose not clothes and fashionable gadgets, but kind parental words addressed to them and ... quite childish desires - to pat on the head, hug , Pat on the shoulder. For some parents, this was a revelation - such a child's desire to get the whole family together, have a sweet tea party or have a picnic in the countryside. Isn't this a revelation for you?

The world of a teenager is complex, and it can be difficult for us adults to penetrate into it. Try to assess how real your ideas about your own child - your "prickly", such a beloved and intolerable teenager are. Spend a survey game at home with your child. The questions are quite simple, but they assume absolutely honest and frank answers without fear of censure or condemnation on your part:

What do my parents like about me?
What do my parents dislike about me?
What would I like to change in my relationship with my parents?

And then be sure to address the same questions to yourself: what do I like about my child, what do I dislike, and what would I like to change in our relationship with him? And compare the answers. Believe me, the most unexpected discoveries are possible that will help you become closer, understand each other, experience a new "attack of love", and this is the best thing a parent of a teenager can ever wish for ...

For every mother, her beloved son always remains a baby. She remembers every moment of his life: from birth to the first significant victories. And, often, the beginning of the transitional age in the boy catches his mother by surprise. This is a difficult period of discovery for both the child and the parents. The family way of life, built over the years, is disrupted, quarrels, screams, misunderstandings and a dull wall of resentment on both sides come to replace peace and serenity. At what age does the transitional age begin in boys? How do you pass this challenging test? How to deal with a teenager? Is it possible to survive the transitional age of a son and remain friends with him? We will try to answer all these questions in our article.

When does adolescence begin in boys?

The transitional age in boys occurs in everyone in different ways and depends, first of all, on the physiological characteristics of the child - namely, on the work of the hormonal system. It is the sex hormones that are responsible for the restructuring of the body, which leads to external and internal changes in boys. Also, an important role in entering puberty is influenced by living conditions, the level of physical development, the emotional and mental state of the child, heredity and even ethnicity. Pernicious habits - smoking, alcohol, etc. - have a rather serious impact on the maturation of boys. These factors inhibit the process of sexual development, since they inhibit the child's hormonal system.

As a rule, the onset of puberty in boys is between 10-12 years old, and by the age of 15 the young man becomes sexually mature. However, the full maturation of the body occurs only by the age of 23-25. These indicators are averaged and deviations from it for 2-3 years are not critical.

Signs of adolescence in boys

Parents raising young men often ask themselves a question - when the transitional age begins in boys and what are the signs of the beginning of this period. The boy's transitional age is a rather long process, which can be conditionally accommodated in the time frame from 9 to 17 years. The peak of these changes occurs mainly at 12-14 years of age. If we adhere to the official terminology of psychologists, then transitional age is a time period during which a child experiences puberty, accompanied by rapid physical development and excessive production of hormones. Very clear wording, isn't it? But in reality, everything is not easy. A teenager who yesterday was a sweet and affectionate son suddenly becomes withdrawn, aggressive, even hysterical in some moments. He is rude for any reason, is ashamed of his appearance and strives with all his might to position himself as an adult independent man, completely independent of his parents. He seems like a stranger to himself in this family and the world in general. The main task of parents is to support and be able to accept the child with all his changes, fears and complexes. After all, he is still your son, who cannot cope with the sudden growing up on him.

Physiological features of adolescence in boys

A difficult age in a child begins with a physical restructuring of the body, which is accompanied by the following signs:

A sharp leap in growth. From the age of 12, a boy can annually add up to 10 cm in height. Bones are actively growing and muscles are developing.
Weight loss. Due to the increased growth, the child's body does not have time to assimilate and store useful substances and microelements in reserve. All forces are spent on the growth of bones, therefore, during the transition period, boys experience a lack of weight, in some cases even dystrophy.
Changes in body relief. The figure of a teenager begins to form like a "man's", the shoulders become wider, and the hips are narrower.
"Breaking" the voice. The voice coarsens, becomes lower in tone. Usually this process stretches for 1-2 years until the end of puberty.
Body hair growth. Hair begins to grow in the intimate area and armpits. Later, fluff appears over the upper lip and vegetation on the arms and legs.
Enlargement of the genitals. From 10 to 13 years old, an increase in the genitals occurs, pigmentation of the mosquito appears.
The appearance of acne on the face and body. The active work of the sebaceous glands provokes acne and blackheads on the face, with which some adolescents have been struggling for years, for others, everything goes away after a few months.
Uncontrolled ejaculation during sleep. In adolescence, a boy is faced with such a phenomenon as wet dreams. In fact, this is a completely normal stage of growing up.

Psychological problems of adolescence in boys

The physiological changes occurring with the child determine the behavior of the adolescent and have an active influence on his psycho-emotional state. In a short

For a period of time, colossal transformations take place in the body of a young man, to which the child's psyche still does not have time to adapt. The body revolts and manifests itself in a very diverse way:

Emotional instability. A sudden change of mood, from calm to storm, is a common situation in a house where there is a teenager. The usual remark provokes, then tears, then the desire to argue.
Coarseness. An obedient child suddenly turned into a rude and cynical boor. All his words are brightly negative. The whole environment of a young man suffers from rudeness: parents, brothers and sisters, peers, teachers.
Aggression. Dissatisfaction with oneself and rejection of one's new changed body in many cases results in aggression towards others. For some, these are just school fights for leadership in the classroom, while for others, serious offenses with drives to the police. I would like to note that aggression is still a natural manifestation in a boy's transitional age. He becomes a man and tries on a life model of behavior, at this moment his future male strategy is laid. Of course, you need to be able to distinguish between natural aggression, which helps to determine the role in life, from its extreme manifestations - cruelty and the desire for delinquency.
Attraction to the opposite sex. Unexpectedly for himself, the young man begins to experience an irresistible attraction to girls. At this moment, the basic norms of behavior with the opposite sex are laid. Errors and rejections are perceived harshly and painfully.
Sui cid. For a teenager, this seems to be the easiest way out of the vicious circle of misunderstanding and problems. Unfortunately, in Russia, the percentage of teenage suicides is increasing every year.

The boy's attempts to prove his masculinity to the world are especially troublesome. The teenager begins to position himself as an adult man, there is a rapid reassessment of values and a change in life orientations. He tries to independently resolve all issues, overcome the difficulties encountered alone. And these attempts are always very disturbing for parents, because as soon as a boy is faced with a question, the solution of which is beyond his powers due to lack of life experience, he becomes even more aggressive and withdrawn.

Errors in the behavior of parents of a child of transitional age

Probably not a single family was able to easily survive the transitional age of their child and avoid mistakes. Moreover, each child is individual, each case must be considered separately. There is no classification and template of parental mistakes that would be an assistant in such a difficult situation. But we can distinguish two models of parental behavior, unambiguously, unacceptable, and leading to the path of even greater problems and misunderstandings in communicating with their child.

Loyalty and unconditional acceptance of the situation

Faced with changes in their child, parents rush to sources of information. In a short period of time, they read articles on the Internet, books by eminent psychologists, conduct a quick survey of friends and relatives who at one time experienced the problems of adolescence. Unfortunately, from all this abundance of information, they take out the main idea - the transitional age is not eternal, you need to love and endure. Such parents remain unperturbed when faced with the child's rudeness in their address, calm when the son brings only deuces from school or does not spend the night at home. They take the position of an observer and patiently wait for their sweet and kind child to return to them. This role is fundamentally flawed and disastrous!

Yes, a teenager needs a lot of love. Yes, he needs understanding and patience. But do not expect that the transition age will end as suddenly as it began and everything will return to normal. The child changes and will never be the same again! He, like air, needs help, advice, guidance and life guidelines. Without them, he will not be able to orient himself in the world that has become so unfamiliar and alien. It depends on the parents whether a teenager will step into adulthood as a harmonious and happy personality.

Severity and rejection

Another variant of parental misbehavior that leads to serious problems with a teenager is the manifestation of excessive severity. Such parents adhere to a despotic manner of upbringing, they believe that all the difficulties of adolescence are far-fetched and the source of their appearance is shortcomings in upbringing. In a harsh and categorical form, they suppress stubbornness, self-will, and the desire for independence in a teenager. A child in such a family feels rejected and misunderstood, and sees two ways out of the situation: to obey or resist. Both the one and the other option does not lead to the harmonization of the personality. Submission, suppression of a teenager as a person is a direct road to suicide. Resisting parental will can lead to drugs, alcohol and, as a result, problems with the law or even death of the child.

How to survive the transitional age of a boy and remain friends?

Physiological and psycho-emotional changes make the boy's transitional age a very difficult period in life. How can you help him get through this difficult time? How not to lose your credibility and remain friends? Every parent asks himself these questions. It's hard to be a true friend to a teenager, but it's worth trying. Sooner or later, all parenting efforts will be rewarded with an open and happy smile of a grown-up son.

Trusting relationship with the child- this is the basis on which fragile mutual understanding is built in adolescence. Of course, building these relationships is necessary from early childhood. If this did not work with the baby, then most likely it will not work with the teenager. It doesn't matter who the child trusts more, dad or mom, the main thing is that this person exists. And it is through him that all important points and decisions should be conveyed. So they will be more easily perceived and taken into action. It is necessary to prepare for the transitional age in advance - listen to your son. No matter how busy the day is, set aside half an hour to communicate with your child. This time should belong only to him and to you. No questions about school, no preaching. The topic and flow of the conversation are determined by the child, and the parent should be an active listener and an enthusiastic spectator. Make such communication a daily, good tradition from childhood, then the teenager will easily and naturally talk about his affairs and problems.

Interests of a teenager must become the interests of the parents. Very often, parents do not know what their children are fond of. Many people only call the computer, not even suspecting which sites fall into the category of frequently visited. Share all the interests of children, do it sincerely. If your son enjoys cycling, buy yourself an iron horse and ride together on weekends. Swimming, playing musical instruments, fixing a car - all these should become your hobbies together. This is the only way to preserve the fragile adult-child bond, which in most cases breaks down in adolescence. A special place in the life of a teenager, especially a boy, is occupied by friends, whom parents must know by sight. It's good if all your friends come into the house. This allows parents to discreetly keep their son's surroundings under control.

Social networks- the main competitor of parents in the struggle for the soul of a teenager. In the modern world, not a single adult can do without social networks, what can we say about those who strive to imitate their parents and children in everything. If the child has his own page, then be sure to add to him as a friend. This should be done at the age of 8-10, when children still easily let their parents into their lives. In the future, this will allow you to unnoticeably look into the secret thoughts and fears of the growing man. Always look through how a teenager lives on the Internet, what interests him, what posts he posts. This attentiveness in some cases will save the child from many harmful hobbies. There is a lot of controversy about the dangers of the Internet and computer games. Many videos have been filmed and posted on this topic, teenagers who killed their parents because of the ban on computer games often began to appear in crime news. A clear regulation of the time that can be spent at the computer will help to avoid these problems. A teenager should know how much time he is allowed to spend at the computer. And no pleading or persuasion should influence this regulation.

Independent decision making- the natural right of a growing up boy. To avoid serious and irreversible mistakes, allow him to make decisions in the so-called "comfort zone". Where the mistake does not become fatal, and the teenager can be held accountable for his decision. His desire for independence will be satisfied, and the understanding of responsibility, inexorably following the adoption of this or that decision, will force him to seriously and thoughtfully approach any problem.

The period of emotional storms gives rise to a feeling of general misunderstanding and rejection in the adolescent. Therefore, when you are faced with a problem of a difficult age, try to find a common language with your child. Spend more time together - go out into the countryside, go to the movies, walk, visit an entertainment center or an ice rink. If the situation is at a standstill, take a short vacation and go on vacation or go on a short hike. The main thing is more communication and joint positive emotions. Try to find something that your child really likes and channel all your energy in the right direction. By doing what he loves, a teenager can relax and get emotional relaxation. Try to listen to your child and give him the opportunity to grow, make early mistakes and learn from them.

The difficulties of adolescence frighten many parents of teenagers, but if you show maximum patience and endurance, then this period will pass with minimal shocks for all of you.

Love your children. Love the rough and ridiculous, stubborn and shy, cynical and so vulnerable. Help them get through their transitional age with your wisdom and boundless love.

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“Gruffs, snaps, disobeys, dresses provocatively” are typical griefs of parents during the period of growing up of their children. How to find a common language with a teenager and not slip into banal flirting and connivance? Where is the golden mean that will allow the child to grow up and not burn tons of nerve cells from the parents.

It is very good if the family is complete and the parents live in harmony. That is, they are able to discuss and develop a line of behavior. Discuss a competent reaction to unthinkable freaks and quirks.

But the reality is that incomplete families are the sad reality of our time. Dad separately, mom and child separately. And between parents, agreement rarely reigns. A single mother cannot count on the help of a father. And here is a transitional age and a catastrophic impossibility to keep the situation under control.

It is incredibly difficult for a single mother not to lose connection and understanding with her teenage child during his growing up. Yesterday I was still an understandable little man touchingly caring for my mother. And suddenly incomprehensible outbursts of protest and aggression out of the blue.

Mom has a way of life and work (often not one) and a passionate desire to get enough sleep. I only dream of a vacation. The needs of the family are growing and it becomes more and more difficult to feed, provide everything necessary or desired "baby". Yes, and it is necessary to teach your beloved child with high quality, which means - for a fee.

And it, this very "beloved child", refuses to understand that the mother is struggling for his sake. She herself could get by with less expenses, without additional earnings.

Tired, always preoccupied with something, the mother provokes a protest in the teenager. Harmonious volcanoes are raging in it, and the mother here climbs into her personal space with her teachings, restrictions, requirements, advice. He does not hear, and does not want to hear anything that comes from the parents.

"Ancestors in general from the last century, what can they know and understand!"
He in no way wants to live like them. He will live differently: free, wide, at ease.

The question "for what" does not bother him yet. The main thing is to become free as soon as possible. From what? From guardianship, prohibitions, study and, in general, from all responsibilities.

It has been noticed that in a family where parents and children share common interests, there are no adolescent wars. Everything is calmer and smoother.

It is more difficult for a mom with a teenage boy to intersect in some areas of activity than a dad with a girl-girl. But this is possible, if desired. And it is better to start thinking about it not when the thunder has struck and the "war" has flared up, but much earlier.

Common interests can range from internet projects to equestrian club membership. Or mom is a motorist with experience and her driving authority is generally recognized. Then teenage sons naturally accept mom as a partner or like-minded person.

In any case, whether it was possible or not to acquire common interests, parents need to understand the following:

It is very good that the child strives to become independent. You have not raised a weak-willed amoeba, but a person who will be able to achieve success in life and become your support.

Take off the petty tutelage. Discuss the rules and boundaries of cohabitation and behavior. It is not necessary to separate rooms with barricades, but it is necessary to exclude parental intrusion into personal territory, be it a room or a desktop with a computer.

Catch every moment your child is ready to talk to you. Listen more - talk less.
Never say phrases like "here I am at your age." The teenager will shut up in his shell and there may no longer be joint conversations.

Teenage maximalism, adolescence, hormonal explosion - believe me, all this has already happened once in every family. In more or less degree. Even though it seems to you that there has never been a nightmare situation and you are unique.

Learn from other people's examples. Someone overcame this period hard and the consequences affected the further fate of the teenager and the parental one too. Try not to repeat mistakes - they are obvious from a distance and over time. Some, on the contrary, managed to get closer and make friends with the child during this difficult period for him. Perhaps you can take advantage of positive experiences.

The adolescent transition doesn't have to be a parenting nightmare. Perhaps you are lucky and you will not notice global changes in behavior. So, by the way, it happens in large families and families, united by one common cause.

There is no time and there is no one to "get out" in front of someone - it is necessary to do business. And the teenager understands this, despite the hormonal and psychological problems of growing up.

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How old does adolescence usually begin? It happens differently for each person. However, there is a single criterion: when a child develops self-awareness, he becomes a teenager.

The beginning of the transitional age

Early childhood lays in the baby the basis for participation in social life and work. The society forms his personal qualities, helping him to harmoniously integrate into adulthood, which is facilitated by preschool institutions, various circles, as well as home education.

Periodization of childhood and growing up

Most parents ask themselves: how old is adolescence? It is difficult to give exact numbers, since the entry of each child into this period depends on the genetic predisposition and individual characteristics of the organism. In some children, the onset of adolescence occurs at 11 years old, in others at 14.

It is customary to distinguish three stages of transitional age:

The body prepares for changes - the prepubertal period.
Secondary sexual characteristics are formed - pubertal.
The end phase of adolescence is post-pubertal.

In addition to common features, adolescence among different peoples, nationalities has its own characteristics, caused by geographic, national-cultural and other aspects. Children develop character traits and habits that meet the generally accepted norms of a given environment.

How old does the transitional age begin in Russia? For centuries, the period of puberty among the Russian-speaking population was called "adolescence". It lasted from 12 to 17 years old. To date, this norm in our country has remained unchanged.

Psychological withdrawal

Against the background of physiological maturation, mental changes occur. The children of this age group are characterized by emotional outbursts, personal activity, the desire for independence, self-affirmation in the eyes of others. Their pride suffers from the fact that they are forced to depend on their parents.

Teenagers are very active in trying to imitate their elders, while focusing on the values of the modern world. They have an increased interest in their personality, self-esteem. The opposite state begins to manifest itself: a conflict with oneself. A growing up child often has a morbid conceit, sometimes a careless attitude to his life. All minor problems seem to be catastrophic, they manifest themselves in a very emotional way.

Attention! Various manifestations of adolescent behavior must be patiently experienced, as an element that will soon subside.

Growing up boy

Let's figure it out - when does adolescence begin in boys? Scientific research suggests that the "boy" prepubertal period usually begins at 11. It ends at about 16.

Difficult age is due to hormonal changes. The boy's voice changes, active muscle building begins, the genitals develop, small antennae and downy hair appear on the face, as well as vegetation on other parts of the body. The production of hormones in the body affects the behavior of a teenager: he becomes rude, uncontrollable. A strong sex drive gives the young man discomfort (even when he is in his early teens - and this is 11 years old).

Growing up boys strive for maximum independence. She often becomes unpredictable and reckless. Surges of hormones lead the young man to riots and hysterical behavior. Not only he suffers from this, but also the household. Boys have a more difficult period than girls. This is confirmed by sad statistics: most often male children run away from home, become drug addicts or alcoholics.

In the upbringing of a boy, the father plays an invaluable role, who should be an example of male behavior. To form a future harmonious personality from his son, the father must establish contact with him on the basis of complete mutual understanding. If the family is incomplete, then this role is assigned to the grandfather or uncle.

Growing up a girl

Sexual development in girls occurs earlier than in boys, therefore, a girl often enters adolescence at the age of 9 - and this is earlier than the designated period. The difficult period ends at about 15.

The child develops secondary sexual characteristics: the hips expand, the body becomes more rounded. Body weight may increase. Hair appears on the pubis and armpits. Acne often pops up, which brings a teenager a lot of complexes. The physiological state of a girl very often leads to the fact that she does not perceive her body. The other side of the coin is the increased interest in the opposite sex.

Important! The duty of the mother is to explain the delicate moments associated with physiological moments in a form accessible to her daughter. Help your child soften the leap from childhood to adulthood.

Like boys, girls growing up have a need to prove to everyone that they are adults. The need for self-affirmation deprives them of the opportunity to remain calm all the time, while the adolescent phase of life lasts, to make reasonable decisions. The character of the girl becomes difficult to control.

Adolescence lasts approximately 4–5 years. All this time, parents need to put themselves in the shoes of their child. Elders are required to be noble towards all people, tolerance and flexibility towards the teenager. The immature consciousness of a maturing child absorbs the behavioral manner of adults. If parents criticize and condemn teachers, neighbors, friends, then by doing so they sow the psyche of their child with seeds of hostility towards others.

Please note! Adults should teach the adolescent to be responsible, but not by violent methods, but by giving him freedom of choice.

An important aspect is proper sleep. The norm of night rest is 8 hours. If a teenager does not get enough sleep, then his nervous system is weakened, he experiences stress. Problems begin.

The physical development of a growing child is very important. Sports can help relieve the stress associated with hormonal surges. Correct, balanced nutrition will provide the growing body's need for vitamins, microelements, proteins, carbohydrates, etc.

constant depression;
detachment;
lack of appetite;
rudeness;
demonstrative actions;
cruelty;
"Love of money".

If the child requires pocket money in excess of the norm, then the parents should respond to this alarming signal. There may be a terrible reason behind the "love of money":. If there is a reasonable suspicion, it is necessary to examine the child in a narcological dispensary.

End of post-pubertal age

In recent years, psychologists have noted that adolescence ends after adulthood. There are reasons for this phenomenon. Let's consider them.

Today's digital economy demands competitive education from young people, which is very time consuming. Consequently, the period when a young person becomes an adult is postponed: he will be financially independent in order to create a full-fledged family. In addition, many boys and girls between the ages of 18 and 35 continue to live with their parents.

So, the psychology of growing up a child can slightly reduce the degree of heat, lighten the difficult burden of parents. And then the teenager will come to terms with himself.

Age	Emotionality (expression of feelings, fears)	Identity confirmation (search for yourself, desires, interests)	Social relationships (parents, siblings, friends)
	Relaxed, content with life, usually cheerful mood. One of the happiest periods, there are few fears. The main reasons for tears are anger, fear, fear of the dark. Competitive spirit shows little	Doesn't worry too much about himself, thinks only about the present, plans for the future are vague. Desire to own property. Loves outdoor activities	Very connected with parents, loving, expansive, loves to participate in family affairs. Argues with siblings, girls have a difficult and tense relationship with one or more close friends. Boys come together in groups
	Sensitive, striving for self-affirmation, mood swings, outbursts of anger and aggression, passion for arguments. Restless and fearful: afraid of animals, darkness, heights. Competitive spirit and thirst for revenge. Frequent tears, anger, frustration	He is looking for himself, all the time in opposition, often in conflict with others, does not like criticism. Thoughts about the future appear. Desire to own property. Passion for collecting	The tendency to resist parents, turns the life of the family, but loves to participate in family affairs. Fights with siblings, deeply cordial and at the same time difficult relationship between girls. Boys get together
	Balanced, slow. Better self-control, sense of humor. Less upset, easier to be sad. Less fear, social concern. Fear of the dark, snakes, crowds, less aggressive	Finding yourself, trying to win the approval of others. He judges himself more objectively. Desire to own property. More realistic and more definite plans. Interest in nature	He is full of affection for his mother. Feels closer to his father than before. Loves family and family affairs, but begins to look for the company of friends outside the family. Better relationships with siblings. Girls start to be friends with boys
	Busy with himself, deep in himself. More reflective, passion for secrets. Most unhappy age: prone to disappointment and depression, very vulnerable. Less fearful. Anxiety about school activities. Social fears, desire for success	Search for oneself, attention to inner life. Love of loneliness. Striving to become an adult. Interest in your career and your marriage. Wish for peace and happiness to others. Personal preferences, loves sports	Less intimacy and less trust in relationships with parents. He noticeably tries not to participate in family affairs. Good relationships with siblings, especially older ones or much younger ones. Boys are less sociable than 12 years old. Girls are drawn to older boys
	Expansive and excited, extroverted, humorous. More cheerful, whims, bad mood. School, social life, own appearances are the most worrisome. Competitive spirit, desire to do well	Finding yourself, comparing yourself to others. Worries about being loved, striving for independence. Striving to become an adult. Desire to see the world better. Social interests and social activity, more balanced	Criticizes parents, is often ashamed of his family. Experiencing the need to destroy bridges and assert their independence. Difficulties with brothers and sisters of a similar age. Formation of groups and companies based on common interests. Girls are more interested in boys than boys are in girls
	Mood swings and apathy, a tendency to criticize, the desire to hide their feelings. Social fears. Striving for popularity and freedom, asserting one's own opinion	Interest in what separates adults from each other. Desire for personal happiness. Individual tastes and interests become more specific	Alienation from parents whose attempts to express love are rejected. Receives most of his satisfaction from social life with friends and outside the home. Better relationships with siblings. Mixed companies in which relationships develop and friendships arise with those whom they choose
	Friendly and accommodating. More accommodating and tolerant. Anxiety about the future. Taking care of your appearance. Striving for social success	Self-comprehension, independence. Believe in yourself. A state of balance and confidence. Pursuit of happiness, success and personal achievement	Excellent family relations, but prefers the company of friends to the company of parents. Protector of younger siblings, good rapport with older siblings. Friends are seen as a very important factor in life.

Some moments of behavior, for example, when a child at ten years old does not wash, is not interested in the needs of the family, depend only on upbringing. And the study is imperfect not only because it was carried out for a long time - it is harmed by the fact that it was carried out among children from Puritan families, and the recorded data on reactions are considered relative to an arbitrary norm, which nevertheless determines the "minimum" age.

Boys are not spoken to about masturbation until they turn twelve.

By the age of fourteen, nocturnal emissions lead, according to the survey, to feelings of guilt. If we consider that these children belong to Lutheran or Anabaptist families, then we must take into account a certain inhibition of sexual activity. Researchers do not record girls' interest in boys under the age of fifteen. And they see in it only a social phenomenon, while we are talking about passionate love and sexual relations. Nothing is said about the many experiences of "couples" having sex at the age of sixteen.

At this age, according to Wessell, adolescents are still masturbating. Nowadays, it is well known that sexual play and passionate love begins at the age of six or seven. Suppressing them to twelve is like adapting books for children.

Zhezelle quite definitely does not rule out that this could happen before, but, according to the study, among those who were interviewed, this did not happen before ten years.

It is believed that girls are interested in the growth of their breasts from the age of eleven. In fact, much earlier.

Consider what is most noticeable: signs of physical development. The table shows that there is no difference in digging between boys and girls, but girls are already showing signs of puberty, puberty, while most boys do not yet have such visible signs.

This is not true. Girls have breasts, boys - fluff above the upper lip. Physical changes are visible in them, as in girls, but these changes are different. Girls become prettier, boys more often become more disharmonious. There is a significant difference between the two sexes.

The appearance of the cannon at the base of the penis, at the age of twelve.

This can happen earlier. Be that as it may, this has not yet attached social significance to anyone ...

Another observation of eleven-year-old boys is that erections (possibly caused by touching during play or fighting) are the result of non-erotic stimuli.

Why "non-erotic"? All this is real erotica! When boys climb a tightrope, they may have an erection, of course, it is not a manifestation of love, but sexual arousal does not cease to be. And besides, in skirmishes between boys, in fights, enmity, rivalry arises. The question is being resolved, who is the first, who is the master, who is the servant, which is not so alien to the sexual sphere.

Sleep also evolves between ten and twelve years of age. Jesell studied the frequency of dreams and their nature. During puberty there is a period - it comes sooner or later, it depends on the individual - when nightmares of varying severity are dreamed of.

Nightmares are inevitable because latency ends in puberty: puberty corresponds to the dying of childhood. There are nightmares when a child dreams that he is being killed or that he is being killed. We must definitely get out of this. Until puberty, this cannot be done otherwise than through nightmares. I don’t know if it’s safe to say that pleasant dreams have dominated nightmares since the age of thirteen. But this may correspond to the end of the latency period.

Various types of tics are also inherent in adolescent development. Many children experience some physical awkwardness, especially when they speak. Teenagers do not know what to do with their hands, shifting from foot to foot. Added to this are various facial tics.

We see such tics mainly in young townspeople, they are much less common in villagers. Urban children are forced to restrain their motor functions. A twitching face, awkward movements in their case are also associated with a social and educational factor. However, this stage of emotional development is not inevitable.

Villagers move much more confidently. Those who are not in good control are condemned by city life to an eternally tense expression on their faces. There are even more in the United States than here. At least in the United States twenty years ago.

The time designated for sleep is amazing. In the socio-educational aspect, this requires compulsory measures. At twelve years old - nine hours and thirty minutes of sleep, a year older - nine hours. In between, however, nine o'clock had already turned into nine-thirty. Boarding house mode. Now one can only dream about it. Today, perhaps because of television, there is a lack of sleep in children.

With regard to social relations, the report emphasizes that siblings argue a lot.

The controversy ends by age fifteen, Jesell notes. This is true. From the moment a teenager has a real emotional or sexual relationship, siblings cease to interest him. In addition, it also depends on the surrounding society. Boys at thirteen are less sociable than at twelve, girls want to communicate with boys older than themselves. Boys are also looking for the company of girls older than themselves.

When it comes to group communication, ten-year-old girls, according to the study, tend to be more in love with another girl, while boys prefer to get together in groups. Have modern girls also started gathering in companies?

It must be said that starting from the age of ten, boys and girls tend to be included in a group of twos. And when they are in the company, it is more convenient for them to walk together too. But being only together is not enough for them, together they feel good when they are younger. Now they need to be alone to join the group they are about to enter. But they do not remain a couple in this group. They are a duo and one day they enter a grouping where the duets break up into small groups or other duos.

Just like girls go to dances together ...

Quite right. They go to the first dances together, and the boys too. They give each other the confidence they need to go there. Just as boys first go to a brothel together, sometimes three, but more often two, and alone for the first time they never go, they dare not. This is later, when they have already met some Zoë or Julie. they will go there one by one. Because the springboard for entering society is different, alter ego, and they do not "calm" each other, they both face life at the same time, simultaneously join a group and become members of this group. They have the same degree of understanding and the same experience.

Until the age of nine or ten, such an accompanying person may be a brother, sister, adult brother, but not a friend or girlfriend of the same sex. They do not go in the company and with comrades of the opposite sex. During puberty, the search for the opposite sex and new discoveries is easier to make together.

This is very important to note because it is one of the fundamental things. It has been this way since time immemorial. In the days of "Les Miserables" or in our time - it has always been so. The tandem phenomenon continues to be observed in adults who did not happen to gain faith in themselves. Many young women exchange personal items. The young man starts playing tennis because he met his friend who is engaged in it. Whereas he himself could perfectly enroll in a tennis club. Or do race walking. Another comes and says: "Come on, let's study together!" Why? It's not obligatory. Everyone gets pleasure only for themselves.

We see the same when visiting the cinema. Many adults, especially those in years, choose a film for themselves and go to the cinema alone. But many young people, despite the fact that there are several cinemas on every corner and you can watch different films, go to the same one, which is valuable only because you can sit in a dark room next to a friend. Not a girl you can touch.

In American society in the sixties, boys are separated from girls, but there is not the slightest sign of homosexuality.

Nothing like this. When the study points out: "no eroticism", then they want to say "homosexual." When it says “interested in someone,” it means “homosexual”. They are interested in girls, but not in the same way as boys.

Marguerite Duras[Duras Marguerite (b. 1914) - fr. writer, screenwriter, director.] in an interview in 1987, she said somewhat boldly: "All men are homosexuals."

All women too, all human beings. She was referring to selfishness not only on sexual grounds, more common among men than among women. Selfishness of behavior, even when outwardly a man shares her joy with a woman, even when he gives the woman this joy. I think this is the behavior of a late teenager. Young girls are concerned that they can bring a child to the man they love, while the man who made the girl a child believes that "it is not his question." “These are not my problems, I don’t want to know anything about it,” he says. So the girl bears all the responsibility, for her it is a child from the one she loves.

According to Duras, even when a man strives to induce an orgasm in a woman, it is only the male's deeply selfish pride. Is it possible to assert this with such categoricality?

I think this is partly due to our current general neurosis, coming from the protracted adolescence of young people who have not received either maternal or paternal education. Their mothers love them, their fathers guide them, but they do not educate them. But fathers do not do anything to educate boys' feelings.

Fathers often feel that they cannot talk to boys; even when they themselves try, they do not listen to them.

Fathers are at a loss for words. They cannot find them, because the young man is protecting his privacy from intrusion.

Fathers are at a loss for words. They cannot find them, because the young man is protecting his privacy from intrusion. I think that young people react much more to actions than to words. Let the father not indulge in reasoning, but simply lives in perfect harmony with the values that he supposedly defends in real life. If this is not the case, then everything he says is perceived as empty moralizing or something theoretical. A life example is important. Indeed, a young man wants to argue with an adult who adheres to his principles. It's good when you can say: “I don’t want to work like you, I don’t want to live like you, I don’t want me to like what you do, no way!” But you should at least be able to say it. And it is necessary that an adult be able to bring his own counter-arguments.

An adult must not curry favor with a teenager, telling him: "I will do what you like, I will talk to you the way you want, I will use your dictionary." Even if he wants to, he will not succeed. They either do not have their own vocabulary, or they invent onomatopoeia, code specifically to be different from everyone else.

What is the “chronology” of information on gender issues, when they learn about menstruation, sexual relations and childbirth? According to Zhezel, this information begins to flow from the age of eleven.

In most cases, by the age of eleven, children are already in the know. By the way, I will note, by the way, as I recently told the students of the third grade: I find it horrible when young people of fifteen are told about contraception, but no one, not in school, or in general in life, ever spoke to them about the nobility of conception. Or you need it once a year. inviting mothers and fathers to talk to them about what a father is, what is fatherhood, what is the awareness of motherhood, what is a legitimate child or an adopted child, what is entry into the world. All these concepts, combined with what the father and mother say, will allow the child to appreciate the sacrament of conception and the guardian role, the direct or indirect role of adults during the growing up of a teenager.

Teens are told about anti-conception drugs. And they never elevate the phenomenon itself.

And then, for no reason at all, they are told about the means against conception. And they never elevate the phenomenon itself. I think this is a very serious moment, and it is necessary to immediately begin sex education lessons in schools so that children learn to accept the fact of their own birth with dignity, no matter what their parents are, even if they even separated or, even worse, even if there is only one of them. and the name of the other is unknown. A new life was born, which means that only conception is interesting and important. I think if this is not taught, not taught and how to use contraceptives in such a way that it does not bring a dubious effect in the upbringing process.

"Who would I like?" This postulate leads girls to the fact that they are only interested in their feminine qualities, suitable for seduction, instead of thinking about how they will affect the feelings of another.

Do you think the following observation - a decrease in interest in sexual issues in girls of thirteen years old - matters? American questionnaires, however, show that fourteen-year-old girls show a great interest in the reaction of boys to them and in the process of childbirth. But it seems that they are very indifferent to sexuality itself.

If they are interested in the social aspects of the relationship between the sexes, then they begin to reject sexuality. Especially American kids. They are preoccupied with their performance rather than worrying about being and seeing themselves as individuals. The boy's attempts to attract attention and charm are hysterical. The position, which is to see in another person only an object for seduction, nevertheless denies sexuality. The petrified principles of upbringing, when a girl as a parting word receives only one thing: "Who would I like?" This postulate is the causative agent of a collective ethical neurosis that leads girls to the fact that they are interested only in their feminine qualities, suitable for seduction, instead of thinking about how they will affect the feelings of another.

Transitional Rituals and Adolescent Plans

MODERN PARABLE

When I was still a very young psychoanalyst, shortly after the Second World War, I had one lyceum student; he was sent to a psychotherapist, and not because he was a bad student, just the teachers were in despair, because the boy was in the clouds all the time.

Sometimes I attended the Claude Bernard Lyceum, where a psychopedagogical department was opened for students who did well in primary grades and began to get poor grades in the sixth or seventh.

Almost everyone had an IQ of 135 [that is, high.].

In the subway, I met a neighbor who had a workshop for elegant lingerie, she went there in the morning at the same time as I went to school for psychotherapy appointments. During the conversation, she asked:

Doctor, what are you doing right now?

Children who have a hard time at school, although they are smart and capable. Some kind of shock, emotional shock turned their psyches upside down, and now they cannot concentrate.

Oh, if you only knew, my son Christian has the same thing! I do not know what to do. He lost his father, he was killed in the war ... The boy loves aviation, but ...

So, so, interesting ...

Yes, but the teachers say that they can no longer keep him in the Lyceum ...

Then, on my advice, she sent her son to the Claude Bernard Center, and I began to study with him individually. Supportive psychotherapy, which in his case was only an introduction to psychoanalytic sessions, was enough to help the boy get out of this transitional adolescent state.

In the course of our conversations, he said that at the time when his dreams began, he began to perform the duties of a caretaker in the fitting room, in his mother's linen workshop. He was in the same room where she received clients. The flickering lingerie excited his imagination and made it difficult to work.

When he returned from the lyceum, he immediately found himself in a small shop, where the ladies tried on corsets and bras.

In dreams, he gave free rein to his sexuality.

I told him it’s okay to think about women. But in order not to expose himself to temptation and not to experience an unnecessary erection, he must ask his mother for permission to go straight home from the lyceum - after all, now he has grown up. He stopped working in the fitting room. I became more collected in the class. We continued our weekly meetings. During each session, he endlessly told me about the plane that he and a friend had designed in the basement of their house. They worked together, in the evenings and on weekends. Everything else did not interest him so much that he did not even pay attention to one practical "detail": the only exit from the basement was a narrow window. The plane, which they will one day assemble, was doomed to remain where it was, but this was still unknown to me. I followed the progress of the assembly, he showed me plans, drawings. Finally I asked:

Have you already attached the wings to the stringer? How do you think to get the plane out of the basement?

He thought about it.

Indeed, we completely forgot about the day when he will have to take off.

This did not upset the boy. This means that he overcame the transition to adolescence and separation from childhood.

An eccentric tomboy, he lived in two dimensions: the first level - dreaming - encouraged him to work hard on his plane, although he had no way of getting the plane out of the basement. On the level of reality, this was realized as follows: he worked for two years for his own pleasure and now he did not regret anything, because he fulfilled his dream by building an airplane in the basement of his mother's house.

Parable: a beautiful bird that will not fly, but that flew in him and which made his dreams come true in homosexual friendship.

Together with a friend, they make a grand phallus that will fly away on the wings ... This is a sublimated representation of a beautiful bird. Now you can find yourself a job that really gives wings.

Here is an excellent example of fruitful substitution [Substitution (according to 3. Freud) is a defense mechanism for reducing anxiety while satisfying an unacceptable motive. A motive that cannot be satisfied in one form is channeled into a new channel. - Note. ed] in a society where the rituals of the transition period into adolescence have been destroyed. There is no more ritual of initiation, no institution of apprenticeship.

In the course of this psychotherapy, the transition did not have a dual character. The boy was full of confidence, but not in love.

Ten years later, after learning my address in the medical department, this young man wanted to see me. He became a test pilot. I was going to get married. The girl he loved insisted that he give up his profession and only then marry her. He wanted to be with her, but he had no desire to quit his risky profession, which also brought a large salary and bonuses.

I tell her, my fiancee: “This is very good for a woman. If I die, the widow will receive huge compensation. " What is she afraid of?

If she loves me, she must also love the work I am doing. This is a wonderful thing, since it provides not only a wife, but also a widow.

He came to me five or six times to talk about his marriage, wondering whether he should sacrifice his profession. Then he sent a letter saying that he was getting married. The last words were: "I am no longer at the age to be a test pilot, except in exceptional cases, but I am training parachutists."

I have not seen him since when he, being a high school student, told me about a heavenly bird locked in the basement of his mother's house. Having become a man and having acquired real wings, he came to me for advice: "How can a woman decide to marry a man who risks dying young?" He was, apparently, circumspect and therefore survived.

Not once during our conversations with the Christian Lyceum student did I suspect that the basement did not look like a garage with wide doors or a movable wall.

If I was in a hurry and asked: "But how will you get the plane out?" - I would have stopped construction. I would have prevented Christian. I could have ruined everything. This is exactly what parents do too often with their teenagers.

Here we have reached a critical moment: it is necessary that the adult sees what is in the heart of the child, and does not seek a high percentage of rationality in adolescent projects.

I knew a teacher whose students were going to spend the whole day with the whole class at the Eiffel Tower. The whole class was preparing for this event, working out the smallest details: metro plans, train schedules and ticket prices were studied.

The teacher knew that the project was not feasible due to lack of funds.

For three months he taught them to read, write and count, consulting the guides and plans of Paris, plotting the route, working out the program for each day. It was so interesting to invent, to invent travel. The disciples were in a latency period: eight to eleven years.

It is necessary that the adult sees what is in the heart of the child, and does not seek a high percentage of rationality in adolescent projects.

The teacher did not tell them in advance, “This is not possible. We will never collect the required amount. " Anyone who knew that the goal was unattainable did not say about it. I believe that this is education.

In the latency phase, the dreams of the little boy from The Lovely Orange Tree are no longer enough [My Lovely Orange Tree is an autobiographical novel by José Mauro de Vasconcelos (1882-1959), a Mexican writer. philosopher and statesman. - Note. ed.], who strove, in accordance with his age, to poetic creation, to magic. Children want specifics. Later, when they were no longer students, they met with the teacher.

Remember our trip to the Eiffel Tower? It was amazing!

Travel? .. But it never happened.

How was it not?

They forgot that the project was not implemented.

So adults invent newspapers that will never be published, inventors make models of new cars that will never drive ...

Man needs projects. The old nation suffers from a lack of great daring. Utopia is the reality of tomorrow.

Man needs projects. The old nation suffers from a lack of great daring. Utopia is the reality of tomorrow. Politicians make promises without a program of coming to power. Great reforms give birth to an innovative spirit. They may not be completed, but it is important to try. At the very least, this will give room for useful experience and will contribute to the emergence of new ideas, mental development.

Adults only destroy the world in which teenagers want to hide, telling them: "This is impossible."

Adults, on the other hand, only destroy the world in which teenagers want to hide, telling them: "This is impossible."

DEATH INITIATION AND Escape

In the oldest initiation rituals among the tribes that settled from Australia to South Africa, from Tierra del Fuego to Oceania, right up to Tahiti, there is one common point - the presence in the drama of the ritual of death-initiation.

Newcomers, neophytes, must, in order to pass into another quality, go through the dying of childhood.

The symbolic separation from the mother is presented in a dramatic manner. The Aboriginal Trial by Fire is probably the most archaic male initiation ceremony. The convert, who is symbolically killed, confronts a mythical force that knows the secret that connects heaven and earth.

Circumcision is an action performed by the Supreme Spirit, which is carried out by special people and ritual instruments. Blood is the main element of this sacred rite.

The ceremonies are accompanied by mooing, a roar, which is imitated by a man: in accordance with the religious ideas of primitive people, it is an expression of male creative ability and the spontaneous dark principle of “heavenly thunder”.

In West Africa, among the Seer and Wolof tribes, circumcision is done late: from fifteen to twenty years, since it is associated with maturity.

Ethnologist Arnold van Jennep explains why the age of circumcision varies: contrary to common misconception, this is not a ritual, but a social act associated with the onset of puberty (in the somatic sense).

Society has always distinguished between psychological and social maturity.

In boys, an incision means the ritual transformation of a neophyte into a woman: a certain stage at which the neophyte, through a ritual act, symbolically loses for a time the male ability to give life to his own kind.

Initiation rites are probably related to the concept of symbolic castration. I believe this is the main thing that we must remember today from these ethnological observations.

Collective trials help young people overcome guilt, some kind of impairment that young creatures suffer from, since the transitional period that a teenager went through alone, without support, is experienced as a violation. In this period, the presence of any danger is necessary, a threat that must be resisted. In this case, the violation turns into initiation, and the fear of raping someone or being raped (or castrated) disappears.

The individual realization of a teenager is not his initiation into social life, the life of a group, as it was in ancestral societies.

The project cannot replace the rituals of the transition period. But perhaps he is able to alleviate it.

The rituals of transition served the community, which needed to keep all its members, they allowed them to attract young people to the clan, to give them the opportunity to face danger while in the bosom of the tribe, and these dangers are initiation rituals. Scary. You have to be extraordinary to withstand them alive. Society, as it were, offers a model.

In our time, when there is no family or social model, and the example of the father is becoming more relative, there are no initiation rituals, but maybe a youthful project, a dream, is to some extent a test of danger with a certain degree of caution. the very thing that will help childhood die so that its bearer can move to another level of maturity in collective life.

The first stage is the opportunity to make some money. This is a stumbling block for today's young. Have your own home, a girlfriend, the ability to have children. And this is not a sign of time, this ideal is eternal.

In the movie "July Date" a small group of friends dreams of going to Africa, to the pygmies. The "head of the expedition" is knocking on all doors to collect the necessary funds. The case is dragging on. There are long conversations between the members of the expedition. And on the day when he, triumphantly, announces to them: "Everything is ready, we can perform!" - it turns out that some have already cooled down and the charm of an old dream has disappeared for them.

The teenager is characterized by the fact that he is fixed on a long-term project, which is nurtured in time and space, different from those in which he has lived until now.

It looks like an escape, but the escape is not criminal, unless the parents, in their anxiety, regard it as "transaggressive."

This is really an escape. Escape is a trick of a negative nature, a sign that the child has reached the adolescence phase and that he does not see a way out for his impulses in reality. He escapes, withdrawing into himself, or actually escaping from home (see Appendix II).

A good decision is to fuel a teen's dream that is about to come true.

Have you observed and contributed to the transition in the lives of your own children?

Nobody suppressed the "flight" of my sons, since they had enough opportunities to indulge in far-reaching dreams. This explains the fact that I did not notice the difficulties of their transition to an adult state from adolescence. From the age of sixteen they traveled long distances. They were prepared for this. I respected their freedom. They began to spend their holidays abroad very early, each summer with a different family. Jean (Carlos), senior, wrote me letters. He wrote like a reporter. Grisha (Gregoire) called. He was laconic. I only answered yes or no to my questions. I didn't know if he liked being abroad or if it depressed him.

Anything else you want to tell me?

Three days later I receive a letter from him: "How good we talked with you on the phone!" His memory is full of interesting stories.

When part of the path has already been passed, the question-answer system no longer works. "What are you doing?" - this is not the question to ask the child. Better to ask, "Do you have a boyfriend who is dating girls?" The implication is: "Whatever you tell me, I will not tell anyone, everything will remain between us." Establish trust first. This is the priority of the priorities.

Adult behavior often exacerbates adolescent difficulties.

I must say that adolescence for my children was a period of expansion. From the age of sixteen they traveled completely alone: to Yugoslavia, Turkey. My son Grisha was in Peru. At seventeen - in South Africa, next year - in Cuba.

Adult behavior often exacerbates adolescent difficulties.

Adolescence itself prepares separation from parents in the latent phase - in a controlled manner. So, at the age of twelve or thirteen, they can propose, in the form of an extreme, to send them to travel, the parents will agree, and they will leave with parental money and with their participation. They gain an amazing experience without breaking the link with their family (a need that arises at different stages), which does not prevent them from moving away, all the time, however, reporting their affairs. This is one of the secrets of how to survive adolescence.

When my sons started to leave home on their own business, tension arose between them and their father, who wanted to control them.

You left at such and such an hour. What did you do?

There is nothing wrong with that if it is said once or twice. My husband set the order "until midnight," and Jean came later. And he decided to leave home. The youngest stayed, but stopped talking to his father. He found himself a different refuge and a different companionship.

Young people who stay at home in 1988 value family, loyalty, love and health the most. These are belated teenagers.

The appearance of the young is nothing more than a tribute to fashion. Isn't it a group self-affirmation, a way of dressing, or is it self-defense?

One is related to the other. The requirement to be equally dressed from six to eleven years later, in adolescence, gives rise to paradoxical differences between them. Precisely because they do not want to be similar to each other internally, they wear the same clothes. They pretend that they are not at all interested in their appearance and the opinions of their comrades, while the only ones they depend on are dad and mom.

At the stage of adolescence, the same "disguise" is observed: they dream about the clothes of their clan, about their "outfit" - punks, rockers, "babaul", "new wave" ... Young people hide their true dissimilarity inside. My son Jean never paid attention to what he wears ... except for shoes: he wanted to have sharp-toed shoes - then these were in vogue. He wore, in my opinion, tasteless things. Poor quality soles. They wore out quickly. But the pointed shoes were a bit of a fetish for him. It surprised me. Boys have a homosexual period when they show exaggerated attention to their clothes.

Observation of a contradictory property. The importance of footwear for the bootlegged generation ... Young people like to go barefoot all year round.

Modern boys attach more importance to shoes than girls. They buy Chilean and Brazilian shoes. My children had money to buy clothes. They went to the shops themselves and bought their own things. Once Jean asked me to go with him so that the saleswoman “would not press” on him: “You will not press me. And she wants me to buy what I don’t like. ” He said yes, no matter what they offered him.

You agree with everything.

I agree, because I'm waiting for you to decide for me.

Grisha was not at all interested in what and how he was wearing. He could buy a pullover and come home with a ripped sleeve, not even remembering what he was hooked on.

Your sleeve is torn ...

Ah, but it's not hot!

Adolescence is a very good time to teach a teenager to take responsibility for himself as early as possible without arguing with him.

Not to challenge is not to approve. In an atmosphere of mutual trust, global denial is a mutual right. Not a global denial of personality, no, we are talking about the rejection of common attitudes, when people agree on coexistence with obvious disagreements among themselves and do it with open doors.

When young people want to leave the family environment and are experiencing difficulties: they are already eighteen to twenty years old, and adults are abusing their power, then this barbaric neologism "parentectomy" (family surgery) is born, as if we are talking about amputation.

Parentectomy! The surgical image looks cruel, but it correctly expresses the need to “cut it alive” so that the belated teenager can finally free himself from family ties.

Your boyhood? What do you remember most about that time?

Patience. I knew I had to wait. I knew I couldn't leave, I didn't have a single sous, I couldn't even buy a bus ticket. I didn't have any freedom to maneuver. And I patiently endured my position, bearing in mind the only prospect - to be able to live on my own when I reach adulthood.

If a teenager has a project, even a long-term one, it will save him. Something needs to feed his designs. This is what makes waiting bearable when you are in the purgatory of youth, in a state of powerlessness and economic dependence. Mother helped me understand exactly what I wanted by the very fact of my resistance.