Family life. Family life and periods of crisis. Family life - ninth crisis
Family, internally welded by love and happiness,
there is a school of spiritual health, balanced character,
creative enterprise. In the vastness of folk life
it is like a blossoming flower.
I.A. Ilyin
There is a very remarkable place in Moscow. Once my friends and I were walking through the Vodootvodny Canal to the Kadashevskaya Embankment along the pedestrian Luzhkov Bridge. And we saw that several artificial metal trees were installed on the bridge. These miraculous plants were all hung with locks and locks of the most varied shapes and sizes. Starting from very miniature, Chinese, ending with heavy barns. Many castles had names for men and women, hearts were drawn. It turns out that the newlyweds have a tradition: to hang “locks of love” on the Luzhkov Bridge, and throw the keys from them into the water. The Patriarch Bridge across the Moskva River is decorated with the same castles. The Moscow "Gormost" first cut the locks, but then, tired of fighting the lovers, they installed special trees on the bridges so that the locks would not be hung on the railings.
Of course, such a custom is nothing more than a relic of paganism and primitive superstition, but it shows: all young spouses, of course, dream that their marriage, their mutual love will be strong and indestructible, that once they have entered into a family union, they will never part. never. And for this, it seems, nothing at all is needed: he locked the lock on the "bridge of love" and threw the key into the river. Oh, if only it were that simple!
By modern standards, I got married very early - at the age of 21. And like all young people, my wife and I thought then that everything would go easily and smoothly. What problems can there be? We chose each other, got married, we have love, all the hardest things are behind us, then only the joy of communication and a problem-free family life awaits us. But how wrong we were! More than once, by a sinful deed, I remembered the words that the apostles said to Christ in response to His admonition about marriage: “If such is a man’s duty to his wife, then it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). We had to go through considerable difficulties and learn a lot before we understood what family life is and how to master this difficult specialty.
And almost everyone goes this way - they get bumps, learn from mistakes. And all why? We all think in our youth, out of inexperience, that it is very easy to be a real family man, spouse or wife, and, as a rule, we begin to think about our family life only when serious problems are already occurring in the family. Family life is an art, no easier than any other. Starting to build your family is like starting a new business, mastering a new profession. But, unlike the profession, spouses are not taught anywhere, you have to master everything yourself, experimentally.
Courses for those who want to start a family or sort out their family life were organized by the Center for Spiritual Development of Youth at the Danilovsky Monastery in Moscow. These courses are called "Spiritual Foundations of Family Life and Raising Children." Priests and psychologists talk with young people on various topics, and answer their questions. Your humble servant also managed to participate a little in this matter, and I was very pleased with the serious attitude and interest in the family topic among young people. This is a very good undertaking, it’s a pity that very few people attend these courses. But, thank God, that at least someone understands: creating a family requires great skill and a responsible approach.
There are courses for young mothers where women are taught how to behave during pregnancy and childbirth and then take care of the baby. But feeding, swaddling, bathing a child, giving him a massage is much easier than building the right relationship with your soul mate, being able to communicate, and then raising children (this is generally a separate and very difficult topic).
But it is necessary to study, and I am very sorry that before marriage I had not read a single special book about the family - it seemed to me then that I already knew everything.
May they not blame me for being too didactic, for I want to outline some family rules: they help me in my family life, and I hope they will help someone else.
In a family, in marriage, one cannot do everything only on a whim, guided, as they say, by the heart and feelings; at least some basics you just need to know. It's also good if we saw these principles of family relations in the family of our parents and grandparents, and if not? If someone grew up in an incomplete family or did not see a good example in the person of their parents? Then there is only one way - to engage in self-education. But those who grew up in a strong friendly family also just need to constantly think about how to improve their family life, to make it happier.
What is family? This is the small Church, where we pass our service to God and our neighbors, this is also “my house is my castle”, as they said in England in the Middle Ages. And a monastery in the world where we learn humility, patience and obedience, and where there is always an incentive for spiritual growth.
I recall an episode from Vladimir Khotinenko's film "Pop", where the priest, Father Alexander, says that he and his wife are very different people, with very different characters, and this helps him to become better, to fight his shortcomings, to sharpen his sharp corners. He jokingly calls his mother "my whetstone."
Speaking of monasteries. In Russia, monasteries also played the role of outposts, fortified fortresses. They guarded the borders of the Motherland, and within their walls, the surrounding residents could always find protection and help in the event of an enemy attack. And of course, every monastery had a church, and more than one.
If a person managed to create a family where he is loved, understood and expected, this gives him tremendous protection, even in the most terrible and difficult circumstances of life. Even when separated from his family, the family man feels the help and protection of family ties.
Austrian psychotherapist Viktor Frankl went through the horror of German concentration camps. And the only thing that helped him survive was faith in God and the thought that he needed to live at all costs in order to meet again his wife, whom he loved very much. He talked about his life in the camp in the wonderful book Saying Yes to Life. It describes the psychology of prisoners very well, and very many of these people survived only because they knew: somewhere, far away, there are relatives, close people who love and wait for you, and you need to continue living in order to see them.
It is worth working hard for our family to become a temple for us, a fortress that protects us from all everyday hardships.
They talked about family happiness, about the fact that happiness is, first of all, the inner state of a person, "the Kingdom of God that has come within you." This is the threshold of paradise - the future "Kingdom of Heaven" - which should begin already here, in our souls and in our family. What is our earthly life? Preparing for eternal life. What state of mind a person will reach, with this he will go there. In a family we are not saved separately, here we are doing our service: we are saved ourselves and help others to be saved. As St. Gregory the Theologian says, "being one flesh, (spouses) have one soul and by mutual love awaken in each other the zeal for piety." That's why:
Rule 1. Never forget about the main thing. In all circumstances of life (and especially in difficult ones), one must remember that we live together not in order to find out who is right and who is wrong, or to re-educate each other, but in order to save ourselves together. Strive for peace, love and happiness.
Recently one of the readers left a comment-question after an article about happiness: "Is it possible to have a happy family when one of the spouses is unhappy?" No, my dears, of course, it is impossible, then it will not be family happiness, but something else. My family should be inseparable from me, only then can it be called happy. From here comes the following rule:
Rule 2. The family is WE. After 15 years of marriage, I discovered an interesting feature in myself. I no longer perceive myself at all without my family, apart from it. It already seems to me that my loved ones - my spouse, children - have always been with me, almost from birth. Although, of course, I perfectly remember all the events of childhood and adolescence, that is, the time when I was not yet a married person.
And this is not only my personal feelings. Other people told me the same thing, by the way, they are not always happy in family life. Why is this so? Whether we like it or not, we are no longer alone in the family, our life and our spiritual well-being are inseparable from the life of our loved ones. And their well-being depends on ours. If a person tries to live his own life, separate from the life of the family, then there will be no happiness in the family. In family life, you need to forget the pronoun "I" and, conversely, always remember another word - " we". Everything: having married, I am no longer alone and must constantly think about how to make it so that it would be good not only for me, but also US.
I know several married couples where the spouses took a very dangerous path: seeing that their life together somehow did not work out, they each began to live their own lives, just under one roof, even spending their holidays separately. Each of them found his own, more or less convenient, niche in hobbies, work or something else, hid in it from adversity and somehow continues the family existence. This, of course, is not a way out of family problems, but simply leaving them, which usually ends in the breakup of the family.
And my acquaintances also did not find comfort and peace, living a separate life. All of them, at least, experienced the strongest mental discomfort. Because the family is only alive when we together.
Rule 3. Try to communicate more. Despite being busy outside the home and numerous household chores, I found and those are the times for family communication. Communication is the basis of a good relationship between spouses. Nowadays, many people are forced to work very hard to feed their families. But, no matter how tired you are at work, no matter how much you want to rest, relax, disconnect in the evening, still find time to talk with loved ones, at least spending less time watching the TV, at the computer or long phone calls. You will not regret it. A huge number of married couples broke up simply because the spouses almost stopped communicating.
One can treat the well-known book of Archpriest Sylvester “Domostroy” in different ways, but this monument of ancient Russian writing of the 16th century contains a lot of wise advice, including those concerning conjugal communication. For example, spouses are advised to eat food together: “But it is not suitable for a husband and wife to have breakfast apart, unless someone is sick; eat and drink always at the right time. " A meal is a time when the family gets together and current affairs can be discussed. In another place in Domostroi it is also said: “The master should consult with his wife about all household matters ...” This is just another rule about this.
Rule 4. Discuss pressing problems. Make important decisions together. I was convinced from my own experience that when the problem is “talked over”, you discuss, ask the opinions and advice of others, you always manage to make a more balanced and correct decision, especially when it comes to matters that are important for the whole family. If you ask for advice, then you respect, and this always disposes, serves to strengthen family relations. In addition, the other person sees the problem from a different angle and may notice what you did not pay attention to. When communicating, you need to discuss not only important matters, but also any questions that interest you.
Rule 5. Respect each other. When I told one woman to respect her husband, she objected to me: her husband does not like this word. Somehow, in response to her words about mutual respect, he replied: "What, you and I are alcoholics, perhaps, to respect each other?" Well, well, a person does not like the word "respect", there is another wonderful word - "honor." And not only the wife should show her husband daily reverence as her head, but the husband is also obliged to honor his wife, treat her with care - as a being more fragile, tender, weak. To honor in it the priceless image of God and value it as a gift given by God Himself. And, of course, children should respect their parents, and parents should respect children.
Do we want our loved ones to treat us well, respect us, listen to our words? Let us ourselves be the first to give them an example of such an attitude. As they say in the same "Domostroy", teach "by example."
Rule 6. Do not try to remake, re-educate your soul mate. To be able to see the good, bright sides of your loved ones and your family life. Women (and men as well) often come to me who are very dissatisfied with the behavior of their loved ones and their family life in general. I will not give specific examples here, I’ll better analyze them later, when we get to questions and answers. As a rule, all these people see their life as hopeless, gloomy and devoid of any joy. In their loved ones, they also no longer notice anything good. After listening to their long stories, I usually try to find out through leading questions: what is still good, positive left in their family life? And then, again with their help, I help paint a completely different picture. And it turns out that the people around them are very good, and there are a lot of bright, pleasant moments in life, you just need to be able to see it all. Sometimes it turns out to help people take a fresh look at their family situation. It is very important to see the positive aspects of your loved ones and try to change not the people themselves, but the attitude towards them and with them.
Rule 7. Do not give vent to anger and other negative emotions. The angry one is always wrong. Anyone understands that irritability, anger, quarrels destroy a good relationship. But anger also doesn't solve any problem. Because in anger, it is almost impossible for a person to make the right decision: his mind is darkened. “In times of anger, one should neither speak nor act,” said Pythagoras. And all serious conversations should be conducted only in a calm state of mind.
Misunderstandings, insults should not be "salted", but be able to discuss, calmly and without irritation. We are all different, and contradictions in marriage are inevitable, but when with love, without anger, spouses are looking for a solution together, you can always come to an agreement and compromise.
As for other negative emotions - despondency, longing, sadness and others, it should be remembered that in marriage they poison the life not only of ourselves, but also of our entire family. Not only we are personally tormented by these passions, but our relatives and friends also suffer because of us. And at least for the sake of them, you need to fight your passions.
Rule 8. More often to please your family. This rule is in contrast to the previous one - about anger, irritation and melancholy. The modern man in the street is surrounded by negative, frightening information: murders, accidents, catastrophes, just disorder in the country ... And how good it is if we get positive emotions in the family. Is it really difficult at least a couple of times a day to tell each other something good, to share pleasant impressions? A word of affection, gratitude, said in the morning, can improve your mood for the whole day. My mother and I agreed to thank each other even for the most ordinary things: washed dishes, groceries bought on the market, or the swept floor. And, I must say, simple words of gratitude, spoken several times a day, have a very beneficial effect on the atmosphere in the family. Some wise man said: "The joy experienced together is doubled, and the grief already becomes half of the grief."
Rule 9. Provide assistance and show mutual assistance... In each family, each of the members, as a rule, has his own range of responsibilities. Of course, these responsibilities must be performed well, but there are times when the help of loved ones is needed. And the authority of even the most venerable academician will not fall if he helps his wife: he vacuums the carpet while she prepares dinner for the arrival of guests. If there is no mutual assistance in the family, it may turn out, as in one eastern parable. Husband and wife have strictly assigned responsibilities. The wife is responsible for everything inside the house, and the husband is responsible for everything outside the house. And when a fire broke out in the house, the husband did not run to help his wife, and the house burned to the ground.
Mutual help also consists of prayer. “Pray for one another ...” (James 5:16), says the Apostle James.
Here are some principles of a good married life. Someone, after reading all this, of course, can say: “The most important thing in marriage is love, but where is it here? One continuous rules, instructions, recipes. " And love is here at every point. Because it just manifests itself in overcoming selfishness, in mutual respect, in the desire for communication, in condescension and forgiveness of shortcomings, in the struggle with their passions for the sake of loved ones. And without love, or at least the desire for it, it will be unbearably difficult to fulfill these rules, and on the contrary, for those who love they will not be a burden, but help.
(To be continued.)
Every man, starting a family life independent from his parents, faces many problems and difficulties. To understand and avoid, at least most of them, this list of commandments of family life will help.
1. Never marry a woman with a child. Every normal man (and this is the law of nature) strives to educate his children, to pass on his skills, knowledge, wisdom, property from generation to generation. But I want to do this only for the sake of blood heirs, those children in whom you can observe your own traits and features of a kind. Life is a struggle, a struggle to spread your seed, your genes. Raising someone else's child is the biggest loss in a man's life that can be in life. I will give an example from the wild: lions in such a situation simply kill the female's children from the previous "marriage". I will also note that most women with children are simply looking for financial support from a new man, they are not interested in the man himself as a person. They already have a family: the woman herself and her child; a man will always be in third place: first a woman, then her child, then a man. A woman will always be in a state of domination, a man for her will be a weak male, unable to find himself a female "without a trailer", a cash cow and, accordingly, just a nonentity. And the divorce of a woman itself is already a pathology, it is a sign that something is wrong with this woman. This crooked foundation of a man + woman relationship with a child, of course, cannot be a good basis for a long and happy marriage.
2. When choosing a wife, always look to your parents. Parents are a mirror image of their daughter. Look who's in charge. If the mother and dad are on the sidelines, then the daughter will strive for leadership, and these are protracted conflicts, nerves and a heart attack in adulthood for YOU. If the parents disagree about something, then find out - what is the problem? By choosing a wife, you plan for the rest of your life. And you choose - in fact, how you will live. Good or bad. Girls who grew up without a father or from problem families, as well as girls who are alcoholics and drug addicts - do not even consider. You are not a therapist or a doctor. And the family is not a hospital. There are no exceptions to these rules. Do not think that you will somehow be carried by or that everything will resolve by itself.
3. In the registry office, only after at least a year of meetings. In less time, you will hardly understand who is in front of you, and the lady will not have time to prove herself from all sides. In general, normal people live without any registration. Stamps are needed by blackmailers and fraudsters for later life at your expense. If a friend insists on registration as soon as possible, this is a reason to get to know her better. Also, during these courtship and meetings, "test" your chosen one along and across and in all poses. Sex is an important part of family life, especially in the early stages of family relationships, and frigid queens with constant headaches will somehow show themselves during courtship, they must be got rid of quickly and decisively. Never give in to the provocation of "ladies after the wedding." In modern society, premarital sex has long been the norm, and a great way to check the chosen one, and even yourself, whether you are suitable for each other "in bed."
4. A good family is not only the result of choosing a good wife with a good husband - it is also the result of the work of two family members at the first stage. And the second stage also includes children. The best wife, if you misbehaved, can turn into a notorious bitch. Study the psychology of women, read materials on relationships. Those pastes that can be found on my page, many do not perceive and do not understand due to their youth, but already people of the older generation rarely criticize them and always “take note”. Be wiser and smarter.
5. Do not fall for the blackmail of relatives and never transfer your property to your wife. At least for the first 15-20 years. If you don't want to be left without it. Bequeath everything only to children. The wife sincerely believes, in the first years of marriage, that she does not need anything from you. Don't believe it, even if you truly love her. Then she will just as sincerely believe that you owe everything to her. Don't tempt your wife with your property. If she has a strong family in her plans, she will live with you. If there are any other plans, then she will go to another. Take it normal. And consider yourself lucky, or it could be even worse.
6. You will have to revise your friends list. Some, after you start living with your family, will simply disappear on their own. Some will bother you. But never let your wife secretly or overtly turn herself against her friends. Many friends are much more faithful and reliable even than a woman in love with you. Also drive your wife's single girlfriends out of the house, if there are any. They have a destructive effect on family relationships. Stop all contact with them. Reach out to people who are family, large and experienced in this matter. They will help you and give you a lot of useful tips and rules.
7. "My home is my castle" - an English saying. Keep your house shut. Don't turn your house into a walkway. It is better to meet with friends on neutral territory, in the garden, on barbecue, fishing, etc. Everyone should have their own place in the house, for example, you have an office or a workshop for work, where you can and should restrict entry, even home. Keep all your securities separate from your wife's. Determine strictly what is common and what is personal. You are not claiming to be a personal wife, she is not claiming to be yours. So it is with correspondence and confidential information. You don’t watch your wife’s correspondence — she’s yours. Establish the same procedure for children. If you unceremoniously get into someone else's personal life, you can permanently lose trust, and trust is the basis of love and happiness. But if you suspect something or you need to find out something in the interests of the common good, then before violating someone else's confidentiality, collect enough evidence or try to get a confession just through conversation.
8. The family must always live separately from the parents. Parents will always see you as children who need a decree and guidance, and not as adults. This is a reason for conflicts and problems. Better in cramped conditions, but without parents, than in chic, but with them. Don't let your parents manage your family affairs. Make a strict demarcation - now this is your life and you arrange them according to your own rules. You listen to the advice of your parents, who are often right, but you make your own decisions.
9. Listen to your wife's advice, but do not blindly trust. As a rule, the best woman acts in her own interests rather than in the interests of her family. While declaring the opposite. Separate and rank interests. The priority should be - the strategic interests of the family as a whole and children. Then yours, then everything else. Remember - a family is created in order to raise children, to help them get on their feet. The other is secondary.
10. Do not rely on love and do not hold on to feelings. Don't be a woman. Only stupid women and fools suffer from lost or departed love. And they are constantly looking for her. In general, for a man, the sooner he gets rid of illusions, the better. Love is given to a man and a woman as a free loan from life, in order to please each other and come together, find common interests and gain a foothold. Further, this loan ends and everyone remains with their own strength. Do not think that you will hold everything alone. If there is no support from your wife, but you also have to keep her, then you will not stand it. Sooner or later you will break. Such a relationship must be ended as early as possible. And do not forget - First loan, First love - the largest and most complete. Each subsequent one is at least 2 times less than the previous one. Then the issue stops forever. Ideally, you should be in time for the first loans. But, alas, this does not always work out.
11. Stop all the arguments of the wife about the need for some kind of "family happiness" and reproaches in its absence. Don't try to prove something or dive into this topic. Women themselves do not know what it is. And how it should be - they judge only subjectively. But such stupid claims may well ruin your relationship.
12. Keep all the money you have earned with you. And spend them based on their family priorities. Children first, then themselves, then everything else. Don't miss out on spending control.
13. Sex should not be a priority and a responsibility in the family, but only a rest between cases. But it must be there. Passions fade over time, and this is in the order of things. However, it is quite possible to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with your wife, even at 40 and 50 years old. To do this, lead a healthy lifestyle yourself, go in for sports and especially force your wife. Don't let your wife turn into a fat cow, a fitness center membership can help. But only without fanaticism - an aunt who went to fitness, and the beauty of her body is not suitable for family life.
14. In some ways it echoes the commandment number 1: do not adopt other people's children, as it is now fashionable, and do not replace love for your child with love for someone else's. When adopting someone else's child, remember - he will not be yours. Agree to this only when there is no other way out, if for medical reasons you cannot conceive your child. Nobody and nothing can replace their own.
15. There is no democracy in the family. If you are not in charge of affairs, then they are in control of you. Families with so-called "equal rights" are the disguised power of manipulative wives. Make decisions only yourself, after listening to all opinions and separating speculation and "wishlist" from the essence.
16. If your family life did not work out, you broke up - do not despair, as you will most likely get rid of many problems if you endured all this and subsequently undermined your health and faith in life. You now have experience and a sober view.
For many people, family is the meaning of life. For the sake of family well-being and prosperity, a person sets important goals for himself and strives to achieve them. The family helps us to become better, to develop and improve. The family is our native people who love us unconditionally for who we are; these are the people we love. Why is it that sometimes intra-family relations do not develop as we would like?
Very often the reason is that we simply ignore family etiquette. Many in school had the subject "Ethics of Family Life", but few learned something useful for themselves from these "tedious" lessons. Only over the years do you begin to understand the importance of family ethics, moral values and principles. Without adhering to family ethics, it is impossible for several family members to live together in the same house, especially if they belong to different generations. Let us now, at a conscious age, repeat what many of us simply did not perceive at school.
1. The most important rule is mutual respect
The existence of a family is impossible without such simple concepts as respect for the opinion of another person, respect for personal space, tolerance for the habits and tastes of another person. Someone will find this unnecessary? But even if you observe these few points, conflicts in family life will be several times less.It is not difficult for us to be tactful, polite, caring and considerate with strangers, if it is beneficial to us and if circumstances require it. Why do we not consider it obligatory to behave in the same way with our relatives, especially with the older generation of household members? Why is it that now in family life they listen less and less to the elderly, there is no due respect for the older generation, obedience? Our grandfathers and grandmothers, wise with life experience, can tell about many things to children and grandchildren, and warn against mistakes.
Mutual respect is the basis of family etiquette; without it, mutual understanding between husband and wife, children and parents is impossible.
2. Autonomy of a young family
According to psychologists, ideally, for the correct upbringing of children, three generations should live in the house: grandfather and grandmother, dad and mom and children. But modern youth is striving with all its might for autonomy and independence in family life. This is not surprising, because both the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law do not always show tact and restraint in their advice and good intentions, they constantly interfere in the life of the young.Often, grandparents try to control the life of a young married couple, which unwittingly violates its harmony. If the mother-in-law and mother-in-law sincerely wish the family happiness, well-being and prosperity, they must remain neutral, no matter how difficult it is, not to side with either son or daughter. Remember that the happiness of your child's family is his personal happiness and joy.
3. Do not wash dirty linen in public
The family life of a couple implies an independent solution to the problems that arise in it. You don't have to involve your parents in this. Parents should also not impose their opinions on their spouses. Mistrust and negativity have a destructive effect on the family nest - it can only bring suffering and pain. Also, family problems cannot be brought up for discussion by strangers. This is completely inappropriate. Only your family and friends truly wish you well and happiness and direct their efforts for your good.4. Politeness
Simple polite words "thank you", "please", etc. should become a habit and sound in the family all the time. Emphasize mutual concern and respect in your words and behavior. Let it become a style of relationships in the circle of your loved ones.Non-violation of personal space is also a manifestation of courtesy and respect in family life in relation to a person dear to you. Some people are very painful and psychologically difficult to perceive interference in their personal affairs. Also, you should not violate the personal space of children, constantly and every minute monitoring them. Respect the personality of the child!
5. Gossip is evil
Do not discuss anyone in the presence of children. A child should not witness scandals in family life and quarrels of his relatives. This is not just a bad example, but also a blow to the fragile psyche of a child. If you demand something from your child, you yourself must do it flawlessly.6. Raising children means self-education
The older generation is always a role model for the younger generation. Long moral conversations about how to behave are useless with children. This only makes them tired and angry. Only your personal positive example will teach your child the right behavior. We learn and improve throughout our lives. Family life can also be a help in this self-improvement. Maybe you need to learn something from your own children? Immediacy, kindness, honesty.7. A sense of family unity
Family is the most important thing. All family decisions must be made together. If problems arise in the family, for example, financial difficulties, they should also be discussed with everyone together, sometimes in the presence of children. Children have the right to be aware of the difficulties that parents have to cope with, to be emotionally connected with what is happening in family life. This will teach them self-restraint and empathy. Raise and support the idea of family unity in children. This will help strengthen and make your little team happy.Question to the psychologist:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Our relationship did not begin with a fairy tale. I met with another martyr (M), we had a wedding planned, but my husband (V) decided to beat me off from mch (M). I did not want to leave my martyr, but my husband was very persistent, often came, talked about a happy life, was very cheerful, and I was led to his fun, because with my martyr we had a serious relationship, our circle of friends and dancing until the morning was not. Everything went to the wedding. After a while, I slept with my future husband and realized that I could not deceive my martyr and I broke up with him. We parted for a long time and painfully, tk. love has not disappeared, but my future husband would not give us life, because he is very vindictive. I parted with my martyr and began to live with my husband, but I hated him because he broke my relationship. But I was drawn to him physically, we did not agree on anything, I was calm, domestic, devoted, and he was liberated, he knew what drugs are, he was very smart and proud. He did not give me flowers, he did not look after me, he demanded and achieved with his persistence. I was afraid to part with him (I was afraid that everything that I had with him he would report to my martyr, albeit a former one, to his parents). We lived together for 2 months, and then we decided to go and earn money for a joint vacation. I got a job in one place in one part of Moscow, and he in another. We saw each other only on weekends (on weekends there was only sex and drugs), I paid for everything. I have changed a lot. From that girl, I became a creature, vindictive and hating everyone. Leaving for work for a week, I could not bring myself to my senses and stop, there was no strength to run away from my future husband. I began to like this permissiveness and no responsibilities. So it took another 2 months, I decided that I did not want to rest with him and went myself to Kazakhstan to my relatives. We did not communicate for a month. I was resting, upon arrival in Moscow my brother and future husband met me. At the airport, we fought with him again, tk. I was tired of the plane, and he said hello, send my sister to look for, she will go with us. As soon as we arrived home, I decided to break everything, this is not my life, I don’t want to live like this, I told him that I didn’t love him and gave him a choice: either everything changes and you are with me, or we are parting. He chose the first. The next day he went to his place, and I stayed with my parents. A day later, I found out that I was pregnant, told him, and he yelled at me for a long time, said that the child was not needed, we would have an abortion. I sent him, I wanted a child, and then another story started. He still agreed that the child stayed, our parents wooed me, after 2 months we got married, we both understood that it was no longer possible to live like we did, we would have a child and we needed to build relationships. For two years we changed a lot, became family men, love and a baby appeared, which is already 1 year old. We are happy together, we love each other, but as in any family there are quarrels about the fact that he does not know how to support me, that I am a little melancholic, and he is cheerful. Petty quarrels, but we quarrel because blood boils, but it is very difficult for us to make peace, tk. I immediately remember our beginning of the relationship, all the shit that was between us. We do not want to go to reconciliation to each other. And now I decided that this could not continue, I need to start all over again. We didn't have enough romance, we didn't have enough good moments to hold on to, I want advice on how to start all over again? That's it, I want to get to know each other (allegedly) from the very beginning, look after, meet, be friends. And just making peace will no longer help us. How to start over? We want to be together, we love each other, but so many mistakes have been made, we cannot forgive them. We have to start the relationship anew. How? Help save the marriage! Now we are in a quarrel, we do not communicate for 4 days, he is studying in St. Petersburg, and I am in Moscow with my parents and a child.
The question is answered by the psychologist Burovtseva Galina Petrovna.
Hello Julia.
“…. How to start all over again? .. "
Life is a path, a road that you walk on. Everything that happens while driving is your life. Imagine that you have been walking for some time and have covered a certain distance. You fell many times, hurt yourself, possibly got dirty, but each time you got up and walked on. And now you have come to a certain destination, looking back, you realized how many mistakes were made and now you want to fix everything. What to do? Come back? But time has already passed and everything has already happened. How to be?
1) If you decide to start living in a new way, first you need to understand what was bad in your past life, what you did not like, specifically. I recommend writing a list of troubles, mistakes, from your point of view, and analyzing everything. After all, mistakes can be corrected only when you understand that this is a mistake and it should not be so.
2) Decide for yourself: how do you, in fact, want to live on? Write a list of your wishes. Reflect on your behavior and actions in a new way.
3) Understand and translate into real deeds, all your reserves and opportunities for building new relationships.
4) Think about the obstacles that might hinder you. Desirable, based on their capabilities and limitations. Rating 5.00 (3 Votes)
The first time a woman marries for love in the second - out of boredom, in the third - by calculation, and then out of habit.
Helen Rowland
Yes, you loved! Yes, you swore allegiance to each other! Yes, you dreamed of a happy and strong family! But it so happened that the one with whom you tied the knot became a stranger to you. Your marriage has turned into excruciating torture. Quarrels, nagging, resentment. All this, like a snowball, grows and presses on you. Believe disappointment in relationship the most common occurrence. We are all different. We all have our own "cockroaches in the head." We are all looking for something of our own. And it so happens that the only way to find out if this is the person with whom you want to meet old age is to start living with him. Create a family with him. And see him for who he really is.
Let's not delve into the reasons that prompted you to break relationship with a husband or wife. They may be different and may be similar. Let's take a look at what happens to us after a divorce or separation from our soul mate.
Some husbands, having "gorged" on family life, decide to take a break and live for their pleasure. Oh, they come off! Well, of course, not everyone, some suffer, trying to return the past. And some, after suffering and digesting the bitterness of separation, decide to start new relationship... They perfectly understand that life does not rest on one person and will definitely meet one that will give them something that they have not received before.
It's a little more difficult for women. They experience parting with their spouse a little more acutely. Since their emotional background will be higher, then the consequences of the gap relationship will be felt for quite a long time. Women, as a rule, do not immediately decide on new relationship... Since it is difficult for them to accept and believe that their love will still come to them. But again, not all. Some come to their senses so quickly and turn on new relationship so easily that sometimes they give the neighbors a reason to talk.
You know, after all, you should not be afraid that you will start a new life. You can complain as much as you like about the years spent for the sake of the person with whom you did not succeed, what you dreamed of. You can beat yourself up and hate him. But you will only burn your fuel. The one that burns in your heart and warms your soul.
Take the best from the past. Save everything that was so dear in your relationship... Do not be afraid to admit to yourself that it was not in vain that you lived with this person. After all, your relationship meant something to both of you. You loved each other. So find the strength to convey your love to another person. Your new relationship, it's like a change of housing with its arrangement. Make your life as comfortable as possible. And even if it takes a lot of effort. You are full of strength and energy for your new life. This means you will find true love.