For expectant mother 

Feelings but not love. An unforgettable meeting. Signs of emotional addiction

People who love each other are happy to go somewhere together. They like to delight their partner and come up with new travel and vacation options. And if it was so before, but now it is not, - maybe you are simply not satisfied with his company anymore?

2. Distance

Loving partners want to be closer to each other: they rush home from work, happily go on vacation, and an ordinary dinner together brings joy. If you want to increase the distance, this is a bad sign.

3. Physical proximity

In general, good partners are more likely to have sex. They like not only to receive, but also to give pleasure. They are interested in what turns the other on and how they can improve the already pleasant intimate events. If you have forgotten when you had sex, it is worth considering, but will it still be?

4. Focus

Loving partners think of each other, they can bring a gift for no reason, they always console if the other is bad. Is this enough in your relationship?

5. Value

If everything is good in a couple, both are happy that they were able to find such a suitable partner. Both value each other and consider each other a great love. And if you are just another fish in the ocean for him (or vice versa), things are not so good.

6. Respect

An unconditional given in a good relationship. They respect not only each other, but also their choice, they know how to listen, speak and reach a compromise, they work well in a team. If a couple does not get out of high-profile disputes over little things, there may be problems.

Problems in one or more areas do not necessarily mean that everything is bad for you, but it is worth taking a closer look and starting to fix the situation before it gets worse.

They say that unhappy love does not exist, they say, this feeling is so wonderful that it simply cannot make a person unhappy. It sounds, of course, inspiring, but those who have ever encountered unrequited love will agree - there is nothing remarkable about it. When you dream about a person for days, imagine yourself in his arms, and he doesn't even want to think about that, there is no time for fun. I would like to get rid of obsessive thoughts, but not everyone succeeds.

Some psychologists argue that we ourselves choose our reality. If we are ready to love and be loved, then we get a mutual feeling. Those of us who love unrequitedly, in fact, do not want a relationship, they like to suffer, worry and feel “not like everyone else”, special. It is difficult to admit that you experience pleasure from pain, not from physical pain (otherwise it would be a completely different article), but from moral. That is why we do not admit, but subconsciously choose as partners those who either do not want to respond to our feeling, or, having answered, leaves us.

No matter how strong the feeling may be, it can fade if you do not warm it up.

Whether this is really so is difficult to say. However, even with the existence of different points of view on unrequited love, experts agree: this feeling can hardly be called love, rather, it is a dependence, and quite strong. We have known for a long time that love needs constant nourishment. It is difficult for her to exist without dates, hugs, kisses and other manifestations of tender feelings. Even couples living at a distance from each other try to call up as often as possible in order to hear their beloved voice, find the time and opportunity to meet, because otherwise love will "die out." No matter how strong the feeling may be, it can fade if you do not warm it up.

What do we have when we talk about unrequited love? One (in our case, a man) shows with his whole appearance a firm "no", and a woman loves, suffers and experiences, and her feeling lives on despite the fact that there is no response from the beloved, no return - absolutely nothing. Agree that this is very similar to a strong psychological dependence. However, it also happens that girls do not fall in love with a specific person (and become dependent not on him), but in an image that they themselves have created in their head. “He is gentle, kind, noble, we will have a big house, three children and two dogs,” she dreams, while the “knight” drags behind each skirt, spends all night in clubs and laughs at peers who are thinking about family. The desire to love (but not love) obscures her eyes, and the girl does not notice that the prince is not at all royal blood.

Do you want to be addicted to someone? From someone who doesn't give a damn about you, who doesn't even think about your feelings and can calmly appear in front of you in the company of another woman? If you realize the complexity of your situation and you are already tired of crying, pouring tears on your pillow and missing all the most interesting things in life, then let's figure out how to control yourself and get out of your head a person who, to be honest, does not belong there.

How to get rid of unrequited love?

First, it is necessary admit to yourself that you are not loved and will not love. The whole problem is that you still comfort yourself with hopes for a bright joint future with this person. No matter how cynical it may sound, but no - this future will not exist. Miracles, of course, do happen, but tell me - is it a miracle that at last you will be visited by someone who didn’t give a damn about your feelings yesterday?

Secondly, love yourself. It seems that because of this blind love-addiction, you completely forgot about yourself. Well, tell me - will a true lady, confident that she "found herself not in the trash heap," suffer because of a man who turns his nose up at her? On one of the forums dedicated to the topic of unrequited love, we found an interesting saying: “There is no happiness in suffering. You don't love yourself very much if you voluntarily choose pain and experiences. " But this is really so.

Thirdly, find a new "drug". If you like to be dependent on someone or on something (although you should still turn to a psychologist with a similar passion), switch your attention to something that will capture you completely and completely, but at the same time will only bring happiness. It is not necessary to find a new object for sighing, you can just pay more attention to your favorite hobby. It would seem that we almost always advise you to immerse yourself in some kind of hobby, as the saying goes: seven troubles - one answer. But it really works: when you are busy with something, you have less time for silly thoughts and feelings.

Surely you are puzzling over the question: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? "

Fourth, take care of yourself. Surely you are puzzling over the question: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? " And then you find a lot of shortcomings for which you are "not loved". If you don't like something about yourself, then why not fix it? Only with some reservations. First: you do it not for him, but for yourself (we decided that you do not need him). And second: we will restrict ourselves to a gym and a beauty salon, you should not go under the knife of a plastic surgeon. Ask: “What is all this for? After all, I will not be with him anyway ... "And just in order not to be with him, but to stay in harmony with yourself and so that the next time the man does not pay attention to you, you do not look for a lot of shortcomings in yourself, and smiled at him and mentally replied: "What a fool."

Incredible facts

Love is the brightest feeling which you can experience in life.

Each of us wants to love and to be loved. Such a need is a natural human desire.

However, some so desperately desire this that, rushing into the pool headlong, confuse love with attachment and dependence.

Getting hooked on passion and romance at the initial stage of a relationship, we mistake something else for love.

In fact, it's just emotional dependence.


Signs of emotional addiction

Here are ten signs that your relationship is not as healthy as you think:

1. Excessive jealousy



Maybe, jealousy and an indicator of love, but only if it is present in your relationship in moderation.

If you are often prone to bouts of jealousy when your partner spends time with someone other than you, this may be the first sign that something is wrong in your relationship.

Sometimes jealousy reaches the point of absurdity, and the person begins to be jealous of the partner to friends, relatives, acquaintances.

2. Moving away from familiar things and people



You and your significant other stopped doing that what they loved to do before (abandoned hobbies, hobbies).

Or you have excluded communication with other people close to you who are very important to you (friends, relatives).

3. Fear of being abandoned



You the obsession that your partner might leave you for the sake of another person. It's like the fear of being alone.

Excessive suspicion, phone checks and SMS - all this speaks of your self-doubt.

You are constantly anxious around other people, clinging to your partner, as if he is your property.

You want your partner to be yours alone.

4. All for the sake of a loved one



You are ready to do anything for the sake of your soul mate. With a headache, they abandoned and canceled all plans in order to be with a partner.

Sacrifice something for a loved one- this is, of course, good. But in everything there should be a measure. Otherwise, this is some kind of manic addiction.

5. Listen only to your partner's opinion



Your partner's point of view is more important than your own.

Your partner's opinion is undoubtedly important. But you shouldn't overestimate it to the detriment of your own.

Emotional dependence on a person

6. Dependence on public opinion



It’s not your partner’s inner content that worries you more, but how friends and family will react to him.

It is more important to you how and in what clothes he will appear before them, and what others will say about your chosen one.

7. Desire to remake a partner



You think you can do it remake a partner into the man / woman of your dreams.

8. Full control over the partner



You like to control your lover. You dictate how, when and what he should do.

If he does something that goes against your desires, you fall into despair, move away, or start dictating your terms.

Today is November 22nd. And I realized that now I have lost something very dear to me. At the same time, I have made one hundred percent friendship. He will become the most dear, devoted and beloved friend ...
For the first time I saw him from the window of my apartment. I remember there was someone else with him. But who? Honestly I don’t know. For some reason, I immediately drew attention to him. Something about him just caught my eye. I watched carefully so as not to show my interest in him. But he also looked at me, not even afraid to show that he was very interested in who I was? The fact is that our family moved to Voronezh quite recently. And I didn't have a single acquaintance in this city. While he is a native Voronezh and on the "nine" (and not only) he knew almost everyone.
A few days later, Ksenia and I went out to sit on a bench in the yard ... He came up to us. We met. His name was SASHA. For about a week I did not go out for a walk. And not because I didn't want to see him. No, I just didn't feel like walking. At that time, Ksenya was already walking with his company. She just cannot sit in one place. And he constantly gets to know someone. It is not difficult for her. Ksyusha called me for a walk, and a week later I went. To be honest, at first he did not sympathize with me, I didn’t even really like him. At the time, he was dating a girl. Her name was Julia. As a girl, I liked her. A pretty, tall girl who knows her worth. You could talk to her. In general, a bright person. I was amazed at his attitude towards her. It was immediately evident that on her part there were some feelings for him. But with him - the usual hobby and nothing more. Moreover, he did not hesitate to show it. I felt sorry for her. This situation turned me away from him even more. I took her side.
We walked in the yard. We sat at a table. After a while, I began to look closely at him. And then one day he invited me to walk for a walk. I didn’t refuse. During our walk he told me about Voronezh. Showed local streets and houses. I immediately liked to communicate with him. Our conversations really interested me. That evening I was sitting on the swing, and he was standing next to me. I didn’t want to go home, but nevertheless he accompanied me to the entrance, and we said goodbye. I didn’t sleep most of the night. I thought ... and decided that I have sympathy for him, and he is interesting to me just as a person.
... I was jealous when he left with Yulia. I began to take an interest in this person. I asked Ulyanka about him. As it turned out later, he liked me too. Then he breaks up with Julia. I don't remember being particularly happy about this, although I still felt it was for the best. Julia did not want to let him go. She felt more than just sympathy for Sasha. Yet they parted. She was still walking in our company. And of course it was unpleasant for her to see how Sasha showed interest in me. I tried in front of her eyes to treat him much easier than I wanted. It was as if I was tormented by remorse. I understood her very much, saw how she tried to give her expression an indifferent look. And yet everything was visible from her. Ulka told me that Julia wanted to frame Sasha. She thought to tell me that they bet on me. I did not take offense at her, as I understood that she was doing this only in order to return Sasha. But nevertheless, the attitude towards Yulia naturally changed. For a week she still walked with us, but then she stopped coming. Honestly, I fell like a stone from my heart. It became much easier and easier for me to communicate with Sasha. I really enjoyed talking with him on some serious topics. We spoke as if on the same wavelength.
We started dating. We kissed for the first time three days after our meeting. I cannot say that our relationship began on a specific day. They just very smoothly flowed from just acquaintances into something more. I knew that he was interested to know who I was. But in herself a very mysterious and incomprehensible person, I can't, and I don't like to talk about empty topics, so I was in no hurry to tell everything about myself. As he once said: “To get to know a person, I just need to talk to him for a week, two at most. I have known you for a month and still cannot say anything specific about you. " It's my rule to remain a mystery.
Yulia's birthday was on the 4th of October. She called and said that she would come to celebrate with us. Our entire company was shocked. By that time, she had not walked with us for a month. We celebrated in Sasha's room. I could not communicate normally with Sasha. I don't know why, but I was uncomfortable in front of Yulia. And our communication was a little tense. When everyone started getting ready to go home, Julia was sitting on the couch. Naturally, this turn of events began to strain me. Sashka went to see us off. I was terribly nervous that Julia stayed with Sasha. I was 50% sure that something will happen. And I had no doubt that he would go to see her off. When we went out into the street, I asked why Yulia came here if she hadn’t been walking with us for a month. At first he replied that he did not know, but then that most likely she came because of him. Apparently Sasha realized that I was jealous, and told me not to worry, because he only needs me alone. And no Julia can prevent us from being together. But I felt relief only when the next day I learned from Ulyanka that Sasha did not even go to see her off. Sasha later said that Julia cried because she and Sasha were not together. I felt some kind of victory. Although I was sincerely sorry for Yulka. She's a good girl.
At that time, our mutual friends Ulyana and Zhenya had a crisis in their relations. By that time, they had been dating for almost a year. The quarrel was over Zhenya. I advised Ulke not to pay attention to him, to flirt and make eyes at other boys. Because it could not but hurt him. And he would definitely fit. Although I did not feel any negativity towards him. I just said what I thought and the choice was still hers. Sasha even argued with her that if she behaved like that, Kent would return to her in a week. Sasha said that I reasoned as if I had such a situation in my own experience. In fact, I really didn't have anything like that. I just think so, do what I think is necessary. He generally said that I was not like all his ex-girlfriends. At that time, I believed that every young man says all this to his girlfriend. He said that he loved me, but I thought that this could not be. I didn't believe him.
September 11 - City Day was approaching on the calendar. Ulyanka and I made plans that she would make peace with Kent, and we would all go to the city together. On City Day, they made up. First we went to the forest for a barbecue, and towards evening we went to the city. I still remember the moment when we kissed under the explosions of fireworks. It was so romantic. When we passed through the bridge, where the grooms carry their brides in their arms, Sashka took me in his arms. I was ready to scream with happiness. At that moment, I did not need anything, just to be near him. During the conversation, we discussed when we finally started dating. And together we decided that this date will be August 25th.
Further our meetings were more long-awaited for me. The only thing I was afraid was to become strongly attached to him. He has already begun to tell me that he is attached to me. And he doesn't want it. I didn't want to depend on anyone.
Over time, our meetings became a habit. Sometimes I didn't want to see anyone. Even Sasha, but I could not tell him not to come. Well, I'm such a man. I shared all my thoughts, experiences and feelings with three girls: Natasha, Lizka and Ulyanka. I actually trusted them and listened to their opinions and advice.
Now my birthday was just around the corner. Sasha gave me a cute little mouse. In short, from my birthday I remember only a few moments. The girls say that Sasha told me a kitten, a sweetheart, a sweetheart and much more. And I just screamed: "Where is my Sasha, where is my Liza?"
Sasha talked about himself. He said that he had never done anything for girls before. For my sake, he stopped smoking in my presence, and he began to drink much less. I really began to respect him more. According to him, I was in many ways the first of his girls. Honestly, at first I perceived all his words and compliments as just words so that I would melt under their influence. For some reason it seemed to me that then he was telling fairy tales. Later I began to believe in them. They kind of helped me become a little more confident in myself. I wanted to be ideal in his eyes. No, not for him, for my beloved. I wanted him to admire me. I tried to become a special girl for him. Not like everyone else. I dreamed that in his eyes, hands, lips pride could be read that I was next to him! I don’t know if it’s really so, but I want to believe it, and I will. I raised my worth. Later I realized that I had finally achieved my goal. And He fell in love with me. I also wanted to get him to believe in love. And HE believed in her. How did I do it? Do not know. Maybe I wanted too much to prove it to him? Probably ... But now I realized one thing, if you really want something, it will definitely happen.
And then thoughts began to come to me about parting. I don’t know why I started thinking about it. Maybe we spent too much time together. Or, on the contrary, during our parting, I began to move away from him. I myself cannot answer this question. As always, I talked about this with the girls. Most likely, Sasha began to guess that something was wrong. And it was simply impossible not to notice the change in my attitude towards him. And I know that the friends around us noticed it too. But she could not change anything in herself. And why did you need to change anything? If it is, then it should be so.
On Tuesday November 14th, Dad was working the night. Ksenia and Natakha and I decided to rest. They took a beer, and I took a can of gin. In general, soon I was already drunk. Sasha called at 11 o'clock. He called us to the bar. If I was sober, I would never go. Moreover, for myself, I decided that I would part with him. But apparently it was so for fate.
We were there in twenty minutes. Sasha spoke beautiful words to me, and I thought that I had decided to part with him. These thoughts tormented me and my conscience. And what would have happened if he could read my mind. I was terribly lousy from the fact that I lied. I cursed my thoughts and my indecision. But I just had no moral right to ruin this evening. He ordered the Vladimir Central for me, we danced. The smile literally never left my face. At that moment I was really happy, at that moment I loved Sasha, I really needed him.
That day, for the first time, I said that I loved him. Was it love? Then there was. I guess I told him that because I imagined her that way. But is love so momentary? No, maybe yes? I do not know. And if it was love, is it really possible to love for any length of time?
At some point, Sashka suggested that I take a walk. Of course, I agreed. I assumed that right now we will put all the dots over the i. He then asked me how I would react if he proposed to me? I replied that I would not take it seriously. And it really was. What was he talking about? This makes no sense. At that moment, I was tormented by thoughts and conscience that this is how he treats me very well, and I want to part with him. I dare to ask him what his reaction would be if I said, let's part. He would say okay, let's part, but still we will not part just like that. In general, at some time what I wanted, I achieved. He took the hint that I wanted to take a break from the relationship.
I got it wrong on Thursday. I wrote an SMS to Ulyanka, which said that I want to part with Sasha. This text message went to Andryukha. He calls me, asks what I wanted, I answer that there is nothing and I ask you not to tell Sasha. Naturally, the chances that Andrei would not tell him anything were just scanty. And from my side it would be ugly. I should have talked to him about it as soon as possible. There was a disco at school on Friday. I knew that Sasha would come there too. I didn’t know and didn’t even imagine how I would behave. How to look him in the eye? I was terribly ashamed that it happened. In the evening I received an SMS from Sasha: There is a joint behind you. Then my heart begins to pound madly. Natasha and I decide that it is better to “turn on the fool” at this moment. To say that I do not know what he is talking about and the like. In the end, we decided to talk tomorrow. The next day, when the girls and I tried to go to the disco, they didn’t let us through. Suddenly Sasha comes out, and we are calmly let through. I didn't know how to behave with him. I was just sure that Andrei told him everything, because they are very good friends. As it turned out later, Andrei just hinted to him about it. I was just in some kind of shock. If he walked away, I felt fine. As soon as he approached, my heart was pounding. I couldn't feel relaxed. When the disco was over, he took me aside and offered to talk. The conversation did not go very well. I stood, stared blankly down and was silent. At that moment, the words seemed to be stuck somewhere in the depths of my soul. I wanted to speak, but nothing worked. He said that if you want to part with me, then go. Leave. I'll put you on a minibus and that's it. That evening he was drunk, smoked, and everything was to spite me. At that moment, I did not want to be without him. I wanted to snuggle up to him. So that he hugged me and kissed me. I didn't want to explain anything to him at all. I dreamed that he would understand me without words. How many times did he tell me that if something doesn’t suit me, then I said it to him. And that would be correct. But I am who I am. I knew and understood that everything turned out very ugly. That I really am to blame for not telling him about it. Why didn't I tell him anything? Because I myself was not completely sure that I wanted it. My thoughts changed a thousand times a day. And then we went to his house. ... Everything happened somehow by itself.
In a few days I will meet with Ulyanka. She asked what happened after the disco. I replied that Sasha and I talked, then we sat with him for a while, and he accompanied me. And she tells me that she was told that we had sex. In short, I find out that he told everyone from the company. Naturally, I was very angry with him. And probably it was anger and resentment that helped me to gather all my will into a fist. This evening I send him an SMS with the words that we need to part for a while.
In the evening of the next day, he came to me. We talked about our relationship. That I still decided to leave. I communicated with him absolutely normal. As with an old friend. He said that he understands, if a girl says it is necessary to part for a while, then she means to part at all. He asked whom I would like to see in him more, a friend or my boyfriend? I replied that I was a friend. The answer to the question why? I said that, firstly, I had already recognized him as a young man, Secondly, I think that we will be very good friends, and, finally, that I have already decided so. Sasha wished me all the best, said that despite the fact that we were parting, he would be there and would love me. He hugged me tightly, kissed me on the cheek and briefly but clearly said "Goodbye."
As soon as I closed the door and entered the threshold, tears flowed from my eyes. It was as if it was only then that I realized and understood what had happened. My last spoken words reached my consciousness: "I decided to part for a while ...", "You will be my best friend ...", "I need to understand myself and my thoughts ...". I couldn't calm down. Tears covered my eyes. I felt pain, loss, gain, regret and ... relief. All my senses mixed and merged into one. It is impossible to write about this and not even convey in words. I remembered ALL the best. Everything down to the smallest detail. Our first kiss, My first jealousy for Yulia, the day of the city, kisses under the explosions of fireworks, the stone bridge, his strong embrace, my birthday, music ordered only for me. I absolutely did not want to remember bad things. I felt how he became attached to me, his sincere attitude to me. I also understood that every girl would like to be in my place. He helped me become much more confident in myself. With his help, I realized that I am worthy of all the words that he spoke to me. But I didn’t understand only one thing: why I don’t want to be with him? What pushes me away from him? But the scales outweighed not in his direction. I listened to music reminiscent of him and ... roared. All my accumulated emotions burst out and the tears did not want to stop. I cried all evening. I hugged the mouse, and the image of Sasha stood before my eyes. I can’t say that I loved this person, but I also can’t say that I didn’t feel anything for him. I want to believe in his words, that everything that he said to me is in fact. I deserve it all. And I do not regret a single gram that all this happened to me.
He continues to show his feelings for me now. I have already spoken to him on this topic more than once. And more recently we kissed with him. I do not regret it. But this makes it harder for me and for him.
Time passed, and I still cannot communicate with him as a friend, but I also cannot be with him. But I do not lose faith in the fact that we will be best friends. And yet I love him in my own way.

P.S. Almost half a year has passed. He still, when he drinks, begins to confess his love to me. And more recently, I found out that he slept with Julia at Kent's birthday party. But it doesn't matter anymore. This did not hurt my pride in any way. And it will not give any consequences. The above was written by a once naive girl. Reading, I could not restrain a smile at some moments. Of course, I am very pleased with all this. I guess I have matured a little. Now, if I were in such a situation, I would not act like that. Most likely, he fell in love with me for my naivety, he fell in love with a child who was trying to prove that there is love. Perhaps that was what melted his heart. I still believe in it, but now I am different. And now the question is, how long will he love another Zhenya. We are in many ways similar and completely different. This is a pattern. But you cannot run away from this, you cannot put it in a distant drawer and you cannot hide it under the bed. It will remain in the memory and in the heart. Will never be forgotten. Soon everything will be remembered with a smile. How long lived, lived feelings, sincere thoughts.

Action, activity. Here we come to another serious misunderstanding about love that should be carefully considered. Love is not a feeling. Many people who experience a feeling of love and even act under the dictation of this feeling actually commit acts of non-love and destruction. On the other hand, a truly loving person often takes loving and constructive actions in relation to a person who is clearly not sympathetic to him, for whom at that moment he feels not love, but rather disgust.

The feeling of love is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathexis. Recall, cathexis is an event or process as a result of which an object becomes important to us. We begin to invest our energy in this object ("object of love" or "object of love"), as if it became a part of ourselves; this connection between us and the object we also call cathexis. We can talk about many cathexes if we have many such connections at the same time. The process of stopping the supply of energy to the object of love, as a result of which it loses its meaning for us, is called decatexis.

The misconception about love as a feeling arises from the fact that we confuse cathexis with love. This misconception is not difficult to understand, since we are talking about such processes; but there are still clear differences between them.

First of all, as already noted, we can experience cathexis in relation to any object - living and inanimate, animate and inanimate. So, someone can feel cathexis for the stock exchange or jewelry, can feel love for them. Secondly, if we experience cathexis for another human being, this does not mean at all that we are in any way interested in his spiritual development. The addicted person is almost always afraid of the spiritual development of his own spouse, to whom she nourishes cathexis. The mother, who persistently drove her son to school and back, undoubtedly feels cathexis towards the boy: he was important to her - he, but not his spiritual growth. Third, the intensity of our cathexes usually has nothing to do with wisdom or devotion. Two people can meet in a bar, and the mutual cathexis will be so strong that no previous appointments, promises made, even peace and quiet in the family can compare in importance - for a while - with the experience of sexual pleasure. Finally, our cathexis are fragile and fleeting. The mentioned couple, having experienced sexual pleasure, may immediately find that the partner is unattractive and undesirable. Decatexis can be as fast as cathexis.

True love, on the other hand, means commitment and effective wisdom. If we are interested in someone's spiritual development, then we understand that the lack of commitment will most likely be painful for that person and that commitment to him is necessary first of all for ourselves in order to show our interest more effectively. For the same reason, commitment is the cornerstone of psychotherapy. It is almost impossible to achieve significant spiritual growth in a patient if the therapist fails to enter into a "healing alliance" with him.

In other words, before a patient dares to make serious changes, he must feel confident and strong, which means that he must not doubt that the doctor is his constant and reliable ally.

For an alliance to occur, the physician must demonstrate to the patient, usually over a significant period, consistent and even concern, and this is only possible when the physician is able to be committed and committed. This does not mean that the doctor always enjoys listening to the patient. The obligation is that the doctor, whether he likes it or not, listens to the patient at all times. Just like in family life: in a healthy family, as in therapy work, partners should pay attention to each other regularly, daily and deliberately, regardless of how they feel. As mentioned above, love among married couples sooner or later disappears; and it is at this moment, when the copulation instinct completes its mission, that the possibility of true love appears. It is when the spouses no longer want to be with each other continuously, when from time to time they want to be apart, the test of their love begins and it turns out whether this love exists or not.

This does not mean that partners in stable, constructive relationships - for example, in intensive psychotherapy or in marriage - cannot experience cathexis towards each other and towards their relationships; they test it. But the point is that true love transcends cathexis.

If there is love, then cathexis and love feelings may also exist, but they may not exist. Of course, it is easier - even joyful - to love with cathexis and with a feeling of love. But one can love even without cathexis and loving feelings: it is precisely by the realization of such a possibility that true love differs from simple cathexis.

The key word for distinction is will. I have defined love as the will to expand my own self in order to nourish the spiritual growth of another person or my own. True love is predominantly volitional, not emotional work. The person who truly loves does this because of the decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, regardless of whether the feeling of love is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it is not there, then the determination to love, the will to love still remains and acts. Conversely, for a lover is not only possible, but also necessary to avoid actions under the influence of any feelings... I can meet an extremely attractive woman and have a feeling of love for her, but since a love affair can destroy my family, I will say to myself out loud or in the silence of my soul: "It seems that I am ready to love you, but I will not allow myself to do so." Likewise, I refuse to take on a new patient who is more attractive and seemingly promising in terms of treatment, because my time is already devoted to other patients, some of whom are less attractive and more difficult.

My feelings of love may be inexhaustible, but my ability to be loving is limited. Therefore, I must choose a person on whom I will focus my ability to love, to whom I will direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling overwhelming us; it is a binding, deliberate decision.

This general tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people to deceive themselves in all sorts of ways. A drunken husband, whose family is in need of his attention and help at the moment, sits in a bar and, with tears in his eyes, says to the bartender: "I really love my family!" People who grossly neglect their own children often consider themselves the most loving of parents. It is quite obvious that in this tendency to mix love with the feeling of love lies a certain selfish background: it’s so easy and beautiful to see the confirmation of love in your own feelings. And looking for this confirmation in your own actions is difficult and unpleasant. But since true love is an act of will that often transcends the ephemeral feelings of love, or cathexis, it would be more correct to say: " insofar as it acts"Love and dislike, like good and evil, are objective categories, not purely subjective ones.

We can now see the essential component that makes psychotherapy effective and successful. It is not "definitely positive attitude", not magic words, techniques, or gestures; it is human involvement and struggle. This is the doctor's will and willingness to expand his I for the sake of nourishing the patient's spiritual growth, the willingness to take risks, sincerely get involved on an emotional level in a relationship, sincerely fight with the patient and with himself. In short, an essential ingredient in successful, deep, meaningful psychotherapy is love.

Characteristically - and almost incredibly, the vast Western professional literature on psychotherapy ignores the problem of love. Indian gurus often speak simply and without ceremony that love is the source of their strength. The closest approach to this question comes from those Western writers who attempt to analyze the differences between "successful" and "unsuccessful" psychotherapists; Usually, the characteristics of successful doctors include words such as "warmth" and "empathy". But more often than not, the question of love confuses us. There are a number of reasons for this. One is the confusion between the notions of true love and the romantic love that has permeated our culture so much, as well as the other confusion discussed in this chapter.

Another reason is that "scientific medicine" is prone to everything tangible, rational, measurable, while psychotherapy as a profession was formed largely outside of "scientific medicine".

Since love is an intangible, immeasurable and super-rational phenomenon, it defies scientific analysis.

Another reason is the strength of the psychoanalytic tradition in psychiatry; these traditions, with their ideal of the cold, aloof psychoanalyst, lie not so much on Freud's conscience as on his followers. According to these traditions, any feeling of love that a patient has for a doctor is usually labeled as "transference", as well as any feeling of love a doctor has for a patient is "countertransference"; of course, both of these feelings are considered an anomaly, part of the problem, not the solution, and must be avoided.

This is completely absurd. Transference, as mentioned in the previous chapter, refers to unacceptable feelings, perceptions and reactions. There is nothing unacceptable in the fact that patients begin to love a doctor who sincerely listens to them hour after hour and does not judge them, but perceives them as they are, as probably no one has perceived them before; he does not use them for his own purposes, and he relieves their suffering. In practice, the content of the transference in many cases is such that it prevents the patient from developing a loving relationship with the doctor, and then the treatment consists of overcoming the transference so that the patient can experience a successful loving relationship, often for the first time in his life.

Likewise, it is not unacceptable for the doctor to develop a feeling of love for the patient when the patient submits to the discipline of psychotherapy, takes part in treatment, willingly learns from the doctor, and through this relationship begins to develop successfully. Intensive psychotherapy is in many ways reminiscent of renewing parenting with a child. The therapist's feeling of love for the patient is just as acceptable as the feeling of love for a child by a good parent. Moreover, from the point of view of successful treatment, the doctor's love for the patient is beneficial, and if success comes, then the treatment relationship becomes mutually loving. And the doctor will inevitably experience a loving feeling that coincides with the genuine love that he showed towards the patient.

In most cases, mental illness is caused by the absence or defect of love that a particular child needs from his particular parents for successful growth and spiritual development. Thus, it is obvious that in order to heal with the help of psychotherapy, the patient must receive from the psychotherapist at least some of the true love that he was deprived of in childhood. If the therapist cannot truly love the patient, the treatment will fail. No amount of training and no degree of psychotherapy will help if he cannot expand his soul through love for the patient; the overall results of the practice of such a psychotherapist will be low. Conversely, an unlicensed, lay doctor with minimal training, but with an enormous capacity to love, achieves the same high results as the best psychiatrists.

Since love and sex are closely intertwined and interrelated, it would be appropriate here to briefly touch on the problem of sexual relations between psychotherapists and their patients - a problem that nowadays often attracts close attention of the press. In view of the necessary loving and intimate nature of the psychotherapeutic process, strong - or extremely strong - mutual sexual desires naturally and inevitably arise between patients and doctors. The urge to sexually complete such drives can be overwhelming. I suspect that some professional psychiatrists who throw stones at a therapist who has had sexual intercourse with a patient may not themselves be loving doctors and cannot truly understand this colossal craving. I will say more: if I had such a situation when, after careful and sound reflection, I came to the conclusion that sexual relations with the patient would be substantially beneficial for her spiritual growth, I would decide on this relationship. For fifteen years of practice, however, I have not had such a case, and I have a poor idea of ​​how it could actually arise. First of all, as I said, the role of a good doctor is analogous to that of a good parent, and good parents do not allow sexual intercourse with their children for a number of very important reasons. The point of a parent's job is to benefit the child, not to use the child for personal satisfaction. The point of a doctor's job is to benefit the patient, not to use the patient to his advantage.

The parent's task is to support the child on the path to independence; the physician's task in relation to the patient is the same. It is difficult to imagine how a doctor who had sexual intercourse with a patient (patient) would not use the patient to satisfy his own needs or how he would contribute to the independence of the patient.

Many patients, especially those of seductive appearance, develop a sexualized nature of attachment to one of the parents from childhood, which undoubtedly hinders the freedom and development of the child. Both theory and the few practical facts available to us support that the sexual relationship between the doctor and the patient is likely to reinforce the patient's immature attachments rather than weaken them. Even if the relationship is not sexually completed, the "falling in love" between doctor and patient is destructive because, as we have seen, falling in love entails a narrowing of the ego and a weakening of the normal sense of separateness between individuals.

A doctor who has fallen in love with a patient, apparently, cannot be objective in relation to him, the patient, needs or separate these needs from his own. It is out of love for their patients that doctors do not allow themselves the pleasure of falling in love with them. Because true love requires respect for the individual loved one, a truly loving physician recognizes and accepts that the patient's life path is - and should be - separate from that of the physician. For some doctors, this means that their paths should never, except for treatment time, intersect with the paths of patients.

We have already discussed the assertion that psychotherapy can be - and should be, when it comes to successful psychotherapy - a process of true love. In traditional psychiatric circles, this view is somewhat heretical. The other side of this coin is no less heretical: if psychotherapy is a process of true love, is love always therapeutic? If we truly love our spouses, parents, children, friends, if we expand our selves to nourish their spiritual growth, does this mean that we are doing psychotherapy for them?

My answer is: definitely.

From time to time I hear over a cocktail: "It must be difficult for you, Mr. Peck, to separate your social life from your professional life. After all, you can't just do all the time to analyze your family and friends?" Usually, such an interlocutor just maintains a boring conversation; he is not interested in a serious answer and is not ready to accept it.

But sometimes the situation gives me the opportunity to conduct a lesson or a practical lesson in psychotherapy right on the spot, explaining why I do not even try and do not want to try to separate my professional life from my personal. If I notice that my wife or children, parents or friends are suffering from illusions, falsehood, ignorance, unnecessary complications, I will definitely do my best to expand, extend myself to them and, as far as possible, correct the situation, exactly like this the same as I do for my patients for money.

Can I deny my wisdom, my services and love to my own family and friends on the grounds that they have not signed a contract and are not paying my attention to their psychological problems? Of course not. How can I be a good friend, father, spouse or son if I do not use all the opportunities and my professional skills to teach the people I know and give them all possible help in the spiritual development of each of them? In addition, I look forward to the same reciprocal help from friends and family, within their capabilities. I have learned many useful things from the children, although their criticism is at times unjustifiably harsh, and the teachings are not as profound as the adults.

My wife guides me as much as I guide her. My friends would not be my friends if they kept from me their disapproval or love interest for the wisdom and reliability of my path. Could I develop faster without their help? Any truly loving relationship is mutual psychotherapy.

My views on these things have not always been like this. I used to value my wife’s admiration more than her criticism, and I did as much to strengthen my wife’s dependence as I did to strengthen her strength. I considered it the task of my father and husband to provide for the family: I brought home a good income, and this was where my responsibility ended. I wanted the home to be a citadel of comfort, not a challenge. In those days, I would agree with the idea that practicing psychotherapy with friends and family is dangerous, unethical, and destructive. But this agreement would be dictated by my laziness, no less than by the fear of misusing the profession. For psychotherapy, like love, is work, and working eight hours a day is easier than sixteen. It is also easier to love a person who seeks your wisdom, comes to you to receive it, pays for your attention and receives it within exactly fifty minutes - all this is easier than loving someone who considers your attention as his right, whose requests can be unlimited, for whom you are not at all power or authority, and your teachings are not of interest. Psychotherapy at home or with friends is just as intense as in the treatment room, but the conditions are much less favorable; in other words, it takes even more effort and love at home.

I hope that other psychotherapists will not take these words as a call to immediately begin psychotherapy with spouses and children. If a person continues the path of spiritual growth, his ability to love increases continuously. But it always remains limited, and the doctor should not undertake psychotherapy beyond this capacity: psychotherapy without love will be unsuccessful and even harmful. If you can love six hours a day, be content with this opportunity for now - it already exceeds the ability of most people. The journey will be long and it will take time to increase your ability. Practicing psychotherapy with friends and family and loving each other all the time is an ideal, a goal worth striving for, but not immediately achieved.

As I have already noted, the lay physician can successfully practice psychotherapy without much training if he is capable of true love; therefore, my remarks about the practice of psychotherapy with friends and with my own family apply not only to professionals, but to all people in general.

Sometimes patients ask me when they can finish their treatment; I answer: "Then when you yourself become good psychotherapists." This answer is most appropriate in the case of group treatment, where patients themselves have the opportunity to practice psychotherapy on each other and, in case of failure, listen to frank criticism. Many patients do not like this answer, and they usually say: “This is too much work. To do it, I have to think about my relationships with people all the time. I don’t want to think so much. I don’t want to work hard. I just want to be happy. ".

Patients often respond to me in this way when I tell them that all human interactions represent opportunities to learn or teach (that is, receive or give treatment); these patients are unwilling to teach or learn and miss out on opportunities in interactions. Many people are absolutely right when they say that they do not want to strive for such a lofty goal and work so hard all their lives. Most patients, even with the most skillful and loving psychotherapists, end up at a level where their growth potential is far from being exhausted. They walked a short - and maybe a long - section along the path of spiritual development, but the whole path is beyond their strength. It seems too difficult to them; perhaps it is too difficult.

(Psychologist Marina Morozova)
How to overcome love addiction (part 1) ( Robin Norwood)
How to overcome love addiction (part 2) ( Robin Norwood)
Grow to love ( Anna Vospyanskaya)
About "this" - Orthodox ( Hegumen Valerian (Golovchenko))
Can you get married for love? ( Priest Iliya Shugaev)
Is a parental blessing necessary for marriage? ( Elena Chemekova, psychologist)
Why shouldn't you lose your virginity before marriage? ( Priest Iliya Shugaev)
Bride and groom. Betrothal. Wedding ( Archpriest Maxim Kozlov)