How to bring up a teenage girl in Slavic traditions. Raising children in the Slavic tradition. Education in Varna of those who know

Yana Agarunova, psychologist, writer, head of the training center "Earth, Wind, Fire".

Why not?

What was your morning like this? My morning used to start with ... chaos. However, I also ended the day in a lathered state, together with the nanny collecting Lego, tomatoes, children's panties and scraps of paper throughout the apartment - preparing for my husband's arrival home. I had to act quickly in order to still have time to shower and wash off the markers and porridge that my youngest daughter spat out at me. When the children littered the toilet bowl, stuffing it with toilet paper mixed with plasticine and sheets of my manuscript (I was then preparing the book for publication), I realized that something needed to be changed. Indeed, in addition to the fact that the house was often noisy and not cleaned, my younger daughters constantly took the things of the elders, thus making them indignant. In general, a "military action" plan was drawn up.

First, I decided to teach children to identify their personal place, toys and things. I allocated each of the five daughters personal shelves in the closet, bookshelves, bought locks for desk drawers. You can use visual cues to keep your child from getting confused - for example, mark his boxes with colored stickers.

Studying the topic of personal space, I learned something important: the brain of a child, especially a preschooler, is simply not yet developed enough to control the immediate urge to possess a toy or attractive thing. If a child takes other people's things, this does not mean that something is wrong with him, or that, say, he will develop a tendency to steal. It only means that he has not yet learned to respect the property of others, has not realized the very idea of ​​personal things or space, and that he needs to be taught this.

The most effective way to explain to kids why they shouldn't take someone else's turned out to be to cite themselves as an example. I say to Fanya: “Look, you took Hana's hare to the kindergarten, she was upset. Can you imagine if Shani took your beloved bear and took it to the garden, or tore it up? " Then Fani begins to desperately shake her head and close her eyes, imagining a terrible picture. And here it is worth saying: "How would you like Shani to treat your bear?" Most likely, in response you will hear something like "My bear, you can't take it!" Now you can appeal to Fani's act and explain to her why she shouldn't have carried her sister's hare to school.

It is so accepted with us

The children and I determined what things they can take at any time they want (their own things, toys, food); what you can take by asking your mom's permission (sweets, TV remote control, tablet / phone); and what should not be touched (personal belongings of parents, as well as anything that may harm the child's health). The same happened with the rooms in the apartment: there are those where children can freely enter and play (nursery, kitchen, bathroom, if it is not locked) and those where you can enter with parental permission (bedroom, living room - if, for example, you decide that the living room is a "no children" area). As soon as you decide on the children's "zones" in the apartment, it will become easier. For example, it will be clear where fragile things can be located, and which rooms should be "vandal-proof".

If, nevertheless, the order is violated, then it is necessary to agree with the child the consequences of the violation of the contract (this is suitable for children over 5 years old).

• Tell your child you have a problem. Voice it out, emphasizing that the agreement has been violated.
• Ask your child for help in solving the problem or bring this issue up to family council.
• Take a time and calmly, slowly, discuss the problem with your child.
• Write down all the possible consequences and be sure to tell the child that you do not want to punish him. Agree on one outcome option and write / sketch it. Describe when and how this will happen.
• Thank the participants in the conversation.

“This is mine!”: 5 rules of the “owner”.

1. Do not make an elephant out of a fly if your child encroached on something that does not belong to him. If he sees your vivid reaction, he will take it on board - and continue to attract your attention in such a negative way. Instead, calmly explain how the person feels when their property has been taken without permission or has been broken. If you are overwhelmed with emotions, take a "timeout" to calm down and talk to your child in a friendly tone later.
2. Teach your child to ask permission if he wants to watch / play / borrow / wear someone else's item. Discuss with the children what questions they can use to do this, and be sure to teach them to say "thank you."
3. Not every adult will be able to distinguish a request from a demand, what can we say about children. Discuss with the children the difference between these concepts: a demand is when you expect the only and correct answer “yes” to your request, and if you don’t get it, you are very upset. A request is when you allow the interlocutor to refuse you and accept the refusal calmly. It is important to tell the child that even a very polite request is not at all a guarantee of a positive answer: everyone has the right to say no.
4. Give your child the opportunity to say "No", to deny you. This is normal: we do not want to raise a reliable person who takes on a pile of obligations and bent under them.
5. Children learn by looking at adults. If you are respectful of other people's property, chances are, the child will simply learn from you. How did you behave when you accidentally broke someone else's thing? Have you admitted this to the owner? Did you offer to compensate for the damage? Regretted or not? Be careful: children copy your behavior.

More recently, your cute baby made you happy, not allowing you to doubt him for a minute.

A carefree and open-minded son or a laughing daughter, telling her parents about every little thing, did not give the slightest reason for grief and disappointment.

But suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, you begin to notice that the amounts in your wallet are magically changing.

The brain begins to frantically remember where you spent the missing rubles.

You remember every step taken during the day, but everything is in vain and you find no explanation for what is happening.

You are trying to drive away the thoughts that your own child is involved in this to the last. But then the moment comes when the secret becomes apparent and you need to accept what it really is.

So, you know for sure that your own blood is occasionally taken into your wallet, without telling you anything about it.

What to do if a child steals money - this question persistently arises in your head every day. Why this is happening and how to do the right thing for parents in such a situation - now we will analyze everything in detail.

Why does the child start to steal?

There may be several reasons. Knowing them, you can correctly explain the theft of your child.

1. The child has many prohibitions and he cannot legally get what he wants (on this topic, read the article How to explain to a child what is impossible ?>>>);

He cannot find any other way to get what he wants except theft. When children begin to long for something, they actively begin to look for various ways that will help them achieve their goal.

And if stealing is the only way to get what you want, then the child will choose him, no matter how sad you hear it.

1. Parents themselves violate the boundaries of their children;

Remember how often you knock when you walk into your child's room?

And this should be done, even if your child is no more than 5 years old. He looks at you and draws conclusions about what it means and he can not ask about anything and not wait for your permission for some of his actions.

1. The baby does not have a sense of ownership (a close article on topics that may be of interest to you: Greedy child >>>);

It is difficult for him to distinguish where is his and where is someone else's. You can often observe how parents say to their child: "Give the car to your brother (sister), he is still small."

And it's just that in the sandbox, moms often require their children to share their toys with others, despite the fact that they clearly do not want to do this.

And all because the mother is on friendly terms with the mother of the child who persistently wants to get her baby's toy and does everything possible for this - hysteria, screaming, crying, etc.

And the adult begins to feel like a hostage to the situation:

• and you cannot take away from your own (there are no obvious reasons for this);
• and I want to somehow help my girlfriend-mother, staying good in her eyes, who rushes about, not knowing what to do with her baby, who throws a tantrum all over the site.

So, not direct, but indirect pressure from parents on their children begins, by repeated repetition: "Share with the boy, you see he is crying."

By the way, we are talking about how to behave correctly in playgrounds, to teach the kid safety, we are talking at an Internet seminar Attention: Walk !>>>

You can probably remember this situation. If it did not happen specifically to you, it is sure to be with your acquaintances, or you could simply watch it from the sidelines.

Namely, this leads to the fact that the child does not form a clear understanding of his property.

He is constantly forced to give his personal belongings.

• The kid begins to perceive it as something that it should be, and for everyone;
• He does not perceive the property of another person;
• His thoughts on this matter are of the following nature: "Since they can take it away from me, without asking whether I want to give it or not, then I can do the same with others."

1. Stealing is a way to get the attention of others and show them in a way that there is a problem.

In this case, theft is a kind of symptom that suggests that the child is missing something.

• It can be the attention of parents, their love;
• If a child steals, this can also speak of some kind of trouble in general (within the family, etc.). In this way he tries to draw attention to the problem;

The child is not even afraid of the cost of this method: after all, he perfectly understands that no one will pat him on the head for such actions. But even that kind of attention is valuable to him.

Although, of course, you can be completely bewildered, thinking about what your baby may lack (read the useful article How to behave with a child ?>>>).

After all, he has everything that only he does not ask for: from all kinds of toys to gadgets (depending on age).

But carefully analyze how much time you spend with your baby, listening carefully to everything he tells you about.

Important! Attention, or rather lack of it, is the most common reason a child steals. Maybe this is your case?

How to respond to theft?

Remember! Never start yelling at a child when dealing with a situation.

Remember two main things: first - there should be no screams, and second - never talk to him in an accusatory tone: "How could you do that?", "Aren't you ashamed?"

By the way, if you can't talk calmly, tips from the article can help you. How not to scream at a child ?>>>

1. In a calm tone, explain to the kid that it is impossible to take someone else's without asking - this is called theft. Tell him that it is not accepted in your family and that you are not doing this;
2. Ask him why he did it and together with him find a way to make amends;
3. Show your child by example how unpleasant it is to have something taken from you without permission. For example, take a favorite toy from him and start doing something with it;

In this case, everything should take place in front of the baby's eyes. Then ask him how he feels?

Focus his attention on unpleasant sensations: "Do you not like this?" Share how others feel the same way. And then immediately show another way to get what you want.

Tell your child that, firstly, you need to ask, and secondly, offer something of your own in return.

1. Be sure to acknowledge the child's right to want something;

For example, your little one wants the same toy as his comrades. Tell him: “Yes, I understand your desire to have this thing. She is really cool and can do a lot of things, which makes it possible to significantly diversify her game. "

1. Explain the reason why you cannot give what the baby wants at the moment. And always be honest;

There is no need to invent anything, speak as it is. If it’s a lack of money, just say: “I don’t have enough money right now to buy this thing for you.”

Children always feel if you are sincere with them or not, and appreciate it when they are told the truth.

It is a matter of their further trust in you. It also strengthens the child's self-esteem: they consider it necessary to share with him everything that happens in their family.

Plus, he must learn to accept things as they are - no means no.

1. Be sure to offer options for a way out of this situation.

Offer your baby to buy a toy later when you have the financial opportunity or tie the purchase to a significant date (birthday, new year, etc.).

At the same time, be sure to indicate the time intervals, name the exact dates. This will teach your child patience and the ability to find the right ways to achieve their goals.

How to teach a 4-7 year old child to value money

The answer to the question "How to wean a child from stealing money?" will sound like this: educate the kid to understand that money has a certain value and does not fall from the sky.

It is important to do this not only when he was convicted of stealing money, but also when nothing bad happens.

Knowing the value of money will help your baby in his adult future. He will be able to properly dispose of them and get them. The following tips will help you teach your child about the value and use of money.

• At about 4-5 years old, you can start giving your child pocket money. I am not writing the amount, since everything will depend on the financial capabilities of your family. Someone gives out 30 rubles, someone 100;
• Let the child now fulfill his desires from the category: "Mom, buy a chocolate bar" or "I want this magazine" with his own money;
• Do this regularly without changing the rules. It should not be: today we give money, but tomorrow we don’t;
• Don't give money for something: got a good grade, cleaned the room, etc. In other words, money doesn't have to be a reward;
• Highlight a specific place where the child can keep their money - wallet, piggy bank, etc.

Applying all of the above 5 points, you will explain to the child the value of money, give an understanding of work, you can teach to give up momentary desires in favor of something more important and valuable.

These are the tips for combating theft turned out for today. Let me draw your attention right away that all of the above is valid for children aged 4 to 7 years.

Stealing in adolescence is a separate big topic that I will definitely consider in a separate article sometime.

The actions of our children will not always please us. Just like in our adult life, one cannot do without difficult situations that occur with us or our loved ones.

From these difficulties we learn and grow taller. And even the most sad, at first glance, situation we need in order to rise one step higher. Know that there is always a way out and in everything, the main thing is to want to see it.

Have you encountered child theft? How did you react and explain that you shouldn't do that?

Certain amounts of money suddenly began to disappear from the parents' wallets, and on the contrary, other people's toys began to appear in the house. So the child is stealing. And confused parents, faced face to face with the fact of child theft, in most cases are simply helpless in terms of solving this problem. Popular measures of suppression, as a rule, do not give results, while panic with impotence only grows.

It often happens that finding out the reasons with the circumstances of the child's act causes a whole storm of negative emotions, because parents are ashamed, and they are also very angry with their son or daughter and even blame themselves, fearing the future of public censure.

Advice

Whether the child will steal in the future will directly depend on the family's reaction to the child's misconduct.

So, almost every modern child at least once in his life, but took other people's things without permission. That is, every child tried to steal. It is extremely difficult to name the exact reason for this act. And the age of the child, with a competent assessment of what happened, will play a very important role.

What if a child steals?

It is unlikely that there are people who dare to call a child aged 2 - 4 a thief, who is still only forming the concept of "mine" with the concept of "someone else's". At the age of 4-6 years, a child already has certain moral habits, so there is, accordingly, an idea of ​​his property, even of personal space. But, children are still very, very impulsive, and this is what often provokes the child to commit theft.

It is also difficult for mobile, easily excitable children aged about 6-7 years to keep their desires under control, just like sitting quietly in class or listening to teachers. And this behavior can be explained by the peculiarities of their temperament, or by psychological trauma. They are caused by problems in the family, relocation, the beginning of educational activities, or even serious mental disorders.

At the age of 8-11, stealing from children is mainly due to the fact that their volitional sphere is not sufficiently developed. The child simply wants to possess some thing, but he cannot cope with this state of affairs and with temptation. Then, of course, he will become ashamed of his own act, because he knows that he cannot steal, but he cannot oppose anything to his desire.

Adolescents from 12 to 15 years old carry out the theft quite deliberately, and therefore at this age, such facts may indicate the presence of a formed harmful, even criminal, habit in children.

Reasons for child theft

In the case of an acute lack of parental attention with love, as well as in the absence of understanding with support, the child will steal not only at home, but also outside the family. This is done to attract attention from adults. Such similar behavior is such a silent cry for help, or a banal revenge on his parents who are always dissatisfied with his behavior. When the offense is followed by a scandal with severe punishment, the child is once again convinced that the strategy he has chosen will be correct. And the logic in this case is very simple. The child thinks approximately this way: it is better to let me be punished than not to be noticed at all. In this case, it is advisable for parents not to focus on the very fact of theft, but instead pay due attention to their child, emphasizing his importance in your family and the importance of his positive actions.

Sometimes it is difficult for a child to make new friends. With the help of all sorts of treats with beautiful things, he will try to win the favor of his peers. Basically, children who receive less attention and understanding in their family are susceptible to this tendency. Then the money taken on the sly from their parent's wallet will serve to "buy" the location on the side.

Output:

Child stealing is always bad, but it basically indicates that the child has serious psychological problems. And you need to solve the reason that led to the fact that the son or daughter began to take someone else's without permission. Then the incidents of theft will stop.

Child theft - how to solve this problem?

When asked, my son stole 8,000 rubles from me. Of course I understand, I brought it up myself, but how to live now? how to explain that it is impossible to steal? given by the author Isolate the best answer is punish and say that if he steals, then they go to jail ..

Answer from J. Pollack[guru]
to hand over to an orphanage for a month, they will quickly explain what "ratism" is.

Answer from European[active]
To deprive something is wrong. It is better to send him for re-education somewhere - a police school, a Suvorov military school, etc.

Answer from Say goodbye[guru]
Explain that those who steal from their own are called rats
well and so on

Answer from heartbreaker[newbie]
The best method is physical punishment. Tie him up, undress and beat him with a strap, you can douse him with gasoline, but don't set him on fire (if you don't want to kill the little bastard), also a wide butt plug stimulates education well.

Answer from Ѝ.I.[guru]
Remove it from the TV and everything will be fine!

Answer from Kuznetsova Irina (Ivanova)[guru]
There may be another problem behind this. Nowadays there are frequent cases in schools when older children extort, and kids steal houses and carry them out of fear. Talk like this. what you know for sure. that he is not a scoundrel, that he is a wonderful and honest boy, but there should be no secrets in the family and he must tell why he needed money that he did not ask for, but stupidly stole. The child should cry out of sincere shame. not from fear of cutting off hands or the police. Raise a petty cowardly crook. Talk to him like a worthy man. who accidentally stumbled that such actions could lose your confidence. and it is fraught. etc. You have little heart to heart with your son. Your child does not trust you and does not pity you. And this is your omission. He is still small. everything can be corrected.

Answer from Galina Kitcha[guru]
Do not panic, maybe someone is really extorting money from him, sort it out.

Answer from THE WORLD IS MINE !!![expert]
I was at about the same age when I stole money from my grandfather ((for which I am terribly ashamed now. I don’t even know why I did it. In principle, I wasn’t limited in toys, etc.) I just wanted to show off at school, buy all kinds of garbage on my own. when all this was revealed to me, the capets flew in. it was very embarrassing to look my grandfather in the eyes (my parents thought for a long time that someone at school influenced me and made me steal money, they just could not believe it. I went to work very early, although I was not particularly in anything And now I can not live without my own money) But after that incident this did not happen again. Make your son earn money so that he would understand that they do not fall from the sky and do not come so easily. Not to work, of course, send him, but for example ask him to do something to help him and for that you will give him money. let him get it for a reason

Answer from Matod[guru]
Showing a video of cutting off hands is overkill. That is, by this you seemed to say that you are ready to do the same with your son - to cripple with your own hands. While for a child, parents are the most reliable protection. Can not be so...((
First, don't panic. Perhaps it's not about parenting mistakes. A large number of children aged 7-11 years have experience of stealing. This is practically the norm, and if the rest of the child is developing normally and this is an isolated case, then no special measures should be taken. By the age of 10, a child already usually has a clear idea of ​​"what is good and what is bad." And he is perfectly aware of this and tries to hide it.
If the offense is revealed, then the main thing is that the following points are observed:
1) Parents need to react. This reaction must be adequate. It is necessary to show that you are extremely dissatisfied with the perfect, but are ready to discuss the problem with the child. Therefore, threats of punishment or the punishment itself are not appropriate, because then the child will only have to take a defensive position and he will wait for punishment, but there will be no time for understanding and awareness.
2) In the conversation, ensure that the child admits his guilt and confirms that he understands that he did not do the right thing. If there is no such understanding, then you need to explain why it is not good to steal.
3) To ensure that the child himself eliminates the consequences - he returned the stolen goods, apologized. Sometimes it doesn’t interfere with helping the child, explaining how to do it. It's not bad if the child somehow compensates for the material side. for example, if the money is spent, the child can be deprived of pocket money for the corresponding amount.
4) Monitor the condition of the child and constantly reflect his feelings. It can be noted at the beginning of the conversation that he is afraid. Then, that he is ashamed (if, of course, this is so). Note that this situation is unlikely to him, and that it should be avoided in the future ... Tell that what happened is very bad, but you are ready to forgive him, because you know that many children do this and hope that this will not happen again in the future. The provided understanding, protection, trust and assistance will give the desired effect.
All this, of course, is applicable for a normal child, developed in age, trained to follow the rules and norms, with a trusting relationship with his parents. If we are talking about regular theft, then there is another conversation and perhaps you really should seek help from specialists.
With regard to "quit your job." Perhaps it doesn't make sense anymore. After 10, by adolescence, the child does not need continuous contact with the parents. Communication with peers and the opinion of other people becomes more important. At this age, the child is useful not so much guidance and control from the parents, but the potential opportunity to get help, communication, protection, support without imposing. It is useful for a teenager to see parents as self-sufficient, successful - both in personal life and in work. Then there will be a consolidation of the positive example that was shown to the child from his birth.

Answer from Ekaterina Shishkina[guru]
Well, I don’t know why your children steal and why it’s almost the norm. My 10 years old, knows perfectly well where the money is at home - he did not take a penny. Always brings change. Even if he finds a coin on the street, he drags it to mom. Maybe because he knows that mom's salary is low. And that we together save up money for a summer trip to St. Petersburg

Answer from Olga[guru]
Children are all different ... someone steals ... someone does not ... I have two sons ... one stole until he was twenty ... she just hid everything that was possible ... and the youngest once bought himself an ice cream and still only gives it away .... you choose what to do ... talk to talk ... punish ... or temporarily restrict everything ... like, no money ... eat porridge ...

Answer from Anatala[guru]
Are you out of your mind to show a video of how hands are cut off? ! He will still see enough stupid videos. And they write here nonsense and extremes - "to deprive the TV", "to give up for re-education" ... How is it to give your child, what kind of nonsense? First, it is necessary to punish severely. Bad grades, accidental mistakes, etc., cannot be punished. And for rudeness, lies, theft - NECESSARY! And do not "deprive the TV", would-be educators. Order to take off your pants, panties, and flog. After that, put your face in a corner for several hours. Secondly, and this is even more important, to strengthen communication with the son and establish something like "covert surveillance." Find out what kind of relationship the son has with other children at school. Here they write correctly: high school students or even peers can extort money from a boy. If such facts are revealed, it is necessary to intervene in this situation. In general, to punish, but at the same time to protect. A complex approach.

Answer from Helena[guru]
just talk to the child calmly and explain to him that it is ugly dishonest to act like this, that it is a shame

Answer from For spring 79[guru]
And why quit? to show a 10-year-old child how their hands are chopped off?
Yes, you will not only make a thief out of him, but also a maniac.
And the more you scare, the more famous the maniac will turn out from your son.

Answer from 666TyMaH666[newbie]
Hello from TDD

Answer from Dmitry Borisov[active]
cake