How to survive with a mother-in-law. How to get rid of a daughter-in-law? Bad advice from mother-in-law
How to get along with your mother-in-law? Anecdotes about the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law would not be so popular among the people if it was easy for two women.The situation is complicated when the newlyweds are forced to live with their parents after the wedding, having no funds to purchase or rent their own housing. So, with the husband's mother?
How to get along with your mother-in-law?
When you marry a beloved and loving man, you should not expect that his parents will immediately be imbued with tender feelings for you. First of all, this concerns the spouse's mother, who cannot but feel jealous of the "invader", even being an intelligent and self-sufficient woman. Trying to get along with your mother-in-law, you should not expect love from her. People who suddenly become relatives in the eyes of the law do not have to treat each other warmly.
It is not only those who immediately count on love that are mistaken, but also those who are actively trying to earn it. Deliberate demonstration of your own talents and merits will not help you achieve your goal. The respectful attitude of the daughter-in-law will be appreciated by the mother-in-law more than, for example, the ability to cook well.
New family rules
How to get along with your mother-in-law in the same apartment? The daughter-in-law must understand that she is actually intruding into someone else's house, in which there are long-standing traditions. Some of them may seem strange and unnecessary, but you will have to come to terms with this in order to avoid conflicts. If the family has accepted, say, joint meals, you should not defiantly ignore them, dine in your room.
This does not mean that the newlywed should completely abandon their own habits, views on the coexistence of family members. The main thing is to carry out "reforms" gradually, refraining from drastic changes. In this case, the chances are high that the husband's mother will agree to meet halfway. Otherwise, you can limit innovations in the territory of the personal room, and give the mother-in-law all the remaining space.
Acceptable limits
How to get along with your mother-in-law in the same apartment so that there are no conflicts? While respecting the wishes of the husband's mother, you should not forget about your own needs. A woman who constantly sacrifices her own interests will feel unhappy, which will negatively affect her relationship with her husband. For example, being a convinced vegetarian, it is not at all necessary to eat cutlets, even if this is the mother-in-law's signature dish.
Talk about personal space should not be postponed until later. The daughter-in-law has every right not to want her room to be invaded without knocking, taken without asking her belongings, and so on. Of course, it is necessary to report this in the most correct form, to try to ensure that the list of "requirements" does not turn out to be too long.
So how to get along with your mother-in-law? Of course, the daughter-in-law should not only insist on keeping the distance, but she herself should not forget about it. It is likely that there are things in the house that should not be touched, and the mother-in-law does not report this just out of politeness. Straight talk solves many problems.
Independence
How to get along with your mother-in-law so that everyone is happy? It is not uncommon for people to get married before they become completely financially independent. However, it is naive to constantly resort to the help of the husband's mother and at the same time count on her respect. If the young family is fully supported by the parents, they feel entitled to actively intervene in the life of the spouses, comment on their behavior and actions, and give advice. This cannot but affect the relationship negatively.
Even full-time students can easily find a part-time job these days. This is beneficial not only from the point of view of financial independence. Having got a job, the daughter-in-law will see her mother-in-law much less often, which will have a positive effect on their relationship. If there is an urgent need for money, it is more expedient to ask for the required amount in debt, and not free of charge.
Observance of subordination
We study further the question of how to get along with the mother-in-law. Nowadays, the tradition of calling a mother-in-law a mother is gradually disappearing. At least in the first months of cohabitation, it is preferable to use the name and patronymic, contact "you". Of course, if the mother-in-law herself insists on the “mother” option, you should not actively resist. Even if it sounds a little fake at first, you can gradually get used to it.
Household
Many are interested in how to get along with their mother-in-law under one roof. Research shows that homework is an inexhaustible source of conflict. Every woman, no matter how old she is, has her own views on housekeeping, which she considers truly correct.
While the daughter-in-law lives in the mother-in-law's territory, it is mainly her that she has to yield. This does not mean that you have to do a lot of unusual actions for yourself, for example, agree to participate in daily wet cleaning if you are used to washing the floors twice a week. It is better to express admiration for the culinary talents of the husband's mother and ask her for the recipes of her specialties.
You should definitely take on some part of the household duties, even if the mother-in-law is eager to continue to do everything on her own, otherwise in the near future this will become a reason for reproaches.
Common interests
Considering the question of how a daughter-in-law can get along with her mother-in-law, it is worth saying that people who have common topics for conversation find it much easier to get along with each other. You should not wait for the husband's mother to take the first step, as this may never happen. Finding out the hobby of a new relative is quite simple. Of course, the interest in her hobbies should be sincere. You should not, for example, talk about your love for four-legged friends, suffering from allergies. Sooner or later, the truth will come to light, as a result of which the relationship will worsen rather than improve.
Spending time together is the shortest path to friendship. It is possible that both women love to go to the theater or indulge in shopping. Why not do it together from time to time - at least once a month? You can also offer your husband's mom a joint visit to the pool or gym if she expresses a desire to play sports. In the end, there remain banal walks in the park, useful not only for relationships, but also for health.
Attention
How to make living together with your mother-in-law peaceful, to avoid conflicts? Anyone likes to be treated with attention. This does not mean that a woman needs to be her friend. It's enough just to show interest in her life from time to time, ask about her success at work, and congratulate her on important dates.
It is also worth learning to listen to the mother-in-law's advice, even if she gives them constantly, without waiting for the appropriate request. It is not at all necessary to follow the recommendations of the husband's mother, but you should not ignore her words. After all, you can always hear something really useful from a woman who is much older and more experienced.
In addition, do not forget about compliments, it is necessary to focus on precisely those qualities that the mother-in-law loves most in herself. It is difficult to find a person who has no merits, the main thing is the ability to find them. It is highly likely that the mother-in-law will learn to notice the positive aspects of the daughter-in-law as a result. It’s not easy to treat someone badly who sincerely praises you.
Talking about the son
How to get along peacefully with your mother-in-law in the same house? Of course, married life is hard to imagine without conflict. The spouses, even if they love each other very much, from time to time there are certain claims to the second half. It is strictly forbidden to discuss the husband's shortcomings with his mother. We must not forget that every woman sincerely considers her own child to be the best. The daughter-in-law's complaints about her son are unlikely to meet with sympathy, rather it will hopelessly ruin the relationship with the mother-in-law.
Conversations about a husband with his mother should only be conducted in a positive manner. She will be pleased to hear praise addressed to her child. It should not be forgotten that it was she who was involved in his upbringing. Why not show your appreciation?
Making a list
How to get along with your mother-in-law? The advice of a psychologist, unfortunately, does not always help. What to do if the spouse's mother refuses to make contact, continues to provoke conflicts? Constantly hearing reproaches from your mother-in-law, you should make a list of her complaints and analyze it. It is possible that fair reproaches will also appear on the list. For example, the husband's mother does not like the fact that she is forced to take on the lion's share of the housework.
By separately noting fair claims, you can think through and write down responses to unfair criticisms. This is necessary in order to calmly and reasonedly discuss the current situation with the mother-in-law, not surrendering to the power of emotions and not being fooled by provocations.
We do not inflate conflicts
Is it possible to get along with a mother-in-law if she likes to sort things out in a raised voice? Unfortunately, there is such a thing. In this case, it is worth doing as diplomats do. No need to try to shout down your opponent, you just need to agree with him in everything. At the same time, the voice should remain measured and calm. Any debater will be confused to hear that he is absolutely right. In the end, you can wean your mother-in-law from scandals by constantly agreeing with her and not succumbing to provocations.
Of course, above we are talking about a conflict in which only one side is guilty. If the quarrel occurred through the fault of the daughter-in-law, you should not start a "cold war" with the husband's mother, refuse to communicate, and so on. The ability to admit one’s wrong is a quality that has been appreciated at all times.
Husband involvement
You should not say unpleasant things about your mother-in-law to your soulmate, no matter how great the temptation is. It is extremely rare that there are people who have a negative attitude towards their own mothers. It is possible to connect the husband to the conflict only as a last resort, if the situation is completely out of control. It is also not recommended to set him up against the mother, such actions will only spoil the relationship between the spouses.
Children
How to get along with a mother-in-law if she actively intervenes in the issues of raising children, guided solely by her own views? Many women, seeing in the "second mother" the enemy, try to limit her communication with the child. The main victim in such a situation is the baby, as adults unconsciously draw him into their conflict.
It is much better to take the time to calmly explain to the husband's mother what exactly she is doing wrong in what is connected with raising children, taking care of them. In order for the result of the conversation to meet expectations, you need to back up your words with thoughtful arguments, refer to the opinion of specialists.
Useful literature
“How to get along with your mother-in-law? 63 Simple Rules ”is a wonderful book by Irina Korchagina. This manual is aimed at women who have recently got married and have not yet mastered the art of communicating with relatives of the other half. The book contains simple guidelines. By using them, you can easily put an end to the "battles" with your husband's mother. Representatives of the fair sex who have been married for a long time, but have not yet learned how to get along with their mother-in-law, will be able to glean useful information for themselves.
This work is useful not only for daughters-in-law, but also for women whose son is going to marry or is already married. The author does not take sides, sincerely rooting for all the parties to the conflict.
Ask a psychologist
Hello, my name is Tatiana, I am 30 years old, my husband is 31 years old married, 4 years before marriage lived together, however, since I had to finish my studies in another city, of which I lived separately for 2 years. almost immediately after we met, my husband insisted that I stay with him (well, he lived in his parents' house with his mother), which happened.
I ask you to help me, since I myself cannot cope with my feelings and if this continues for some time, then I will have a nervous breakdown and I will no longer need a husband, no such marriage, nothing that will remind me of my mother-in-law ...
About me. I come from a complete normal family, I love my parents. from the age of 14 she lived independently, from a small Belarusian village she moved to Minsk, studied there; then to Moscow, where I worked, studied and met and now live with my husband. I am a lawyer, I am in graduate school, I work in my specialty.
About her husband. Very smart, capable of anything. naturally selfish, since the only child in the family (the father left when he was 13), but is capable of extraordinary sensitivity and care, however, as a remedy for wrongdoing. of course he is very good and loves me.
About his mom. she is 53 years old. a builder-painter by profession, she is very respected in her field. when she was caring for a sick dying mother, her husband left her for another woman. she still cannot forgive him, she perceives her son's communication with him as an insult.
The crux of my problem. if I correctly identified the type, then this is the mother-in-law hen. She still buys clothes for her son, down to underwear, buys clothes for me, changes our bedding, and takes it from our (which we bought and where my things are) closet, and secretly puts the washed things there. from polite requests not to give me gifts, not to clean our room, not to change our linen, moved on to refusing to accept gifts, strictly asking not to touch anything in our room, I do not thank her for what she does, I answer questions in monosyllables. I blame myself for doing this, and I do not see this as a possibility of a positive outcome.
I hate myself for the fact that I cannot cope with the situation, I am ashamed that I do not love my mother-in-law, and maybe I hate, although before that I have never experienced negative feelings towards anyone.
I blame my husband for the fact that for him with my arrival nothing has changed in life, that he behaves like that proverbial calf that sucks two queens, that he does not seek to live separately, that he does not understand or does not want to understand what it is not a family and that I alone stand guard over the inviolability of this non-family. at the same time, I cannot tell him any of this, because I understand that he loves his mother as well as I love mine, and I am ashamed of my present thoughts and I know that they will offend him. at the same time, I am afraid that he will choose not me, but my mother.
why I don’t need gifts from my mother-in-law: because I don’t want her to think that she’s helping me with this, T-shirts and hair clips are not help, help would be to save this money and spend it on something really necessary; I think that such a waste is unnecessary and useless; it is not convenient for me to accept gifts from strangers; I like to buy my own clothes.
I want children, but my hair stands on end from the thought that I will give birth to a child and will raise him in the same house with my mother-in-law. I do not trust my husband, I am afraid that he will not understand and protect me, and I will be even weaker.
Never before have I been in such a depressed and driven state, I am driven to despair, any contact with my mother-in-law knocks me out of my rut for several hours. I am tormented by the shame that I offend the person with the best intentions, but this is from powerlessness, I cannot cope with myself.
The human age is so short, I don't want to waste months and years of my life on this nonsense. I want to live in peace, with a pure soul.
Surely I look like an evil character feeling sorry for himself - there is no difference anymore. if you can help me somehow, help me.
Thanks. Best regards, Tatiana P.
Hello Tatiana!
You don't look like an angry, self-pitying character, you don't have to love your mother-in-law. However, it seems that you will have to build relationships so that they suit you, if, of course, you want to live with this man further.
But first you need to separate: your relationship with your husband, your relationship with your mother-in-law and his relationship with your mother. To understand what is created by you in each of them and, accordingly, what you can influence. and what not. This is not an easy job and if you are ready for it, I will be glad to help you.
Sincerely,
Good answer 0 Bad answer 1Tatyana, the mother-in-law in this story is clearly not the central link ...
You entered adulthood at 14 and he at 13. It seems about the same, but ... You are used to "forging" yourself (is there a feeling that there is no support from the parents? You received less - a topic for full-time work), and he - lost a clear example of male behavior and since then is quite pleased (as you noticed about the "two queens") with this state of affairs. Mom is always mom. Correct words: "I respect your love for mom". He is half of her. Perhaps that irritation at the husband's behavior, which you cannot throw out (about the fear of the" wrong "choice of the husband) on him, change direction and is given to the" innocent "(the mother-in-law cares not only about him, but also about you, as he can, as he understands, in his own way (hairpins, laundry, etc.), especially since you, do not forget, are on the territory of this woman. Do not violate the hierarchy, it harms relations. She gives you a blouse - thank you You give her sweets - she ironed your linen - Thank you to her and a piece of baked pie, etc. This is the development of relations. Not saying "thank you" - maybe this is the omission that you did not take from mom and dad? we say thanks ...
An important topic is about the desire to have children ... With brains - yes, for sure, this is so (they still give birth!), But it feels like no, and it's not about the mother-in-law and husband ... The roots are in your childhood.
You write "from powerlessness", "I will be even weaker", "I do not trust", "I am afraid", "I hate", etc. - this indicates that the work is deep, not easy, a lot has accumulated, and the strength is running out ...
Contact us, family constellations (I am a Hellinger constellation specialist) is what you need. Come first as an observer ("deputy"), and then as a client, with a request.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 1 
Good afternoon, Tatiana.
Interestingly, you classified her - "mother-in-law hen". What is this classification, who is its author? :)
It seems to me that you are trying to cram the mother-in-law into some kind of scheme, for example, to classify her. If a person is classified, an illusion is created that his behavior, thoughts, actions, feelings can be unambiguously interpreted and understood without referring to himself. Output logically, according to the classification.
By the way, you are doing a similar thing with your husband. You know a lot about him - (I quote you) "that with my arrival nothing has changed in life ... that he does not strive to live separately, that he does not understand or does not want to understand that this is not a family ..." how can you know if anything has changed in his life with YOUR COMING, because you cannot know about what you did not see, because you were not there ?!
Tatyana, there is a way out: to discuss. To speak, to speak and to speak again - to explain to oneself, to ask about them. There are no such schemes. All that you supposedly understand about them - in fact, very little relates to reality - all this is only in your head! Other people are completely differently arranged and you can understand them only through CONTACT with them, asking and clarifying.
You can learn to talk about your feelings without hurting the other and ask the other about him. In September, I will conduct training on trusting relationships, and now I am sending a mailing list on this topic - it seems to me that this is your topic. Take a look at the site, there is all the information. You can subscribe to the newsletter from the site.
Good answer 0 Bad answer 2 
Hello Tatiana! all your feelings are natural and you should not be ashamed of either them or yourself - after all, if they invade the internal territory, the family, then it is natural that you want to protect it - after all, this is your family - yours and your husband's, but not three of us! And you are right in this endeavor. However, it is worth understanding that your husband is one of those men who need a wife = mother, but a wife-lover, a woman, a friend ... He grew up so much, he considers this position and existence normal - and this is his choice. Yes, this connection can be broken, but only by physically moving away from his mother, and this will help him finally grow up, take responsibility for his family and life - after all, those relationships that you now have hardly suit you, you are not trust your husband, you do not see a future with him, you know that he does not want to change, since he cannot cope with difficulties and problems and you feel that remaining with him, you will also have to play this role of a mother for him, but you are not these women! It also happens that people simply do not fit for different qualities - it is quite possible that this is about you! You are right that you do not want to waste years and life in a useless struggle and waiting - so you can still try and decide to first live separately and get to know your husband not under the cover of his mother, but what he is like, and only then draw conclusions about him and your relationship and that you will be coveted in the future! Women like your mother-in-law often turn out to be good manipulators, and she too - after all, she strives to do good for you, and in return receives hatred from you and as a result you feel your guilt, but the guilt for what - for the fact that you are deprived of your life, invade and decide for you what to sleep on today? and besides, why do you need a man who in the end can leave you and stay with your mother and is not completely ready to show maturity - in the end, what do you have to lose?
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0The appearance of a daughter-in-law for a mother-in-law is tantamount to the appearance of an invader. Not so with the mother-in-law - the sphere of self-realization of the son-in-law, as a rule, is outside the home. So he is not a direct competitor to her. The mother-in-law has to share the influence on her son with a strange woman. Every sensible mother gets along in advance with the fact that this will happen. But the daughter-in-law begins to create her own house. And the further relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law largely depends on what part of the habitual rights of the mistress remains with the mother-in-law.
Parade of sovereignty
The topic of communication with the mother-in-law is close to every woman. Out of 100 women, only 2 will sincerely say that they live well with their mother-in-law. The rest either quarrel or feel difficulties in communication in one way or another. It is especially difficult for those who had to live with their mother-in-law in the same house. After all, as you know, two housewives cannot get along in one kitchen.
As a rule, the mother-in-law constantly pokes her nose into the affairs of her son and daughter-in-law. She tries to educate them, teach them and even "protect" them. Often you come across such mother-in-law who try in every possible way to divorce and embroil the precious son with the hated daughter-in-law. In general, the mother-in-law has a huge choice of reasons for quarrels and minor disagreements.
And all why? Because every mother-in-law considers herself to be an expert in all household chores and features of childcare. She is of little interest in your opinion on this matter. And even if you come across such a mother-in-law who is seemingly quiet, not a scandalous old woman, do not flatter yourself, all relatives are good at a distance. You will have many reasons for conflicts.
How to get along with the mother-in-law, we establish a life
If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have to live in the same house, a lot of issues need to be resolved. Cooking every day or a week in advance? Save on food or clothing? How often should I wash my bedding? When should the child go to bed? How many minutes per day should the child watch TV or play on the computer?
Hundreds, thousands of questions are solved by the hostess of the house. And there can be only one mistress. Let's say you can split the budget and the refrigerator. But you cannot divide a son (husband) and a son (grandson), a daughter (granddaughter) and noisy guests. Who will become the mistress of the house and what should the second woman do?
The situation is aggravated by the fact that good housekeeping by one of the women in no way reconciles them with each other. The better one does, the more the other feels redundant. The "better" the daughter-in-law, the harder it is for the mother-in-law to accept her. “I was not good for them, and this one, therefore, was good. So I was a fool, and this one was smart. I raised three children, and she will tell me what to feed the child and how to bring him up. " In a house with an “ideal” mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law feels like she’s superfluous. "So bring up your children, and this is my daughter." "You never know how you have done all your life, but my mother did differently." "I am not your daughter, so that you raise me."
Very important demarcate territory To live with your mother-in-law without swearing, she must know that you must have personal space. For example, your room with your husband, which she can enter only after knocking on the door. Of course, at first she will resist, tell you about the meaning of life, but over time she will get used to it.
From the very first days of life together, don't let her raise her voice, to command you, to lecture you. Stop all attempts. Otherwise, if she realizes that you can be manipulated, then it will be difficult to correct the situation later. Treat her the same way she treats you. Well, if you manage to divide the food, she cooks for her husband, and you for yours.
My "second" mother
It seems that the daughter-in-law has two ways to get along with her mother-in-law. The first is traditional and very difficult - to become her "obedient daughter." And the difficulty is not only in giving up power. And the fact that our world is changing too quickly. I remember how my friend fought with her mother-in-law, who constantly cooked milk porridge for her grandson. And my grandson was allergic to milk! The mother-in-law was not an old woman then. But the thought that the baby might be allergic to milk did not fit in her head at all.
Second way- build your relationship with your mother-in-law as with a woman whose interests intersect with yours, and this is for a long time. For example, as with a friend or coworker. Help the other woman realize herself in the common interests, but in the adjacent territory.
It often happens that a woman, not having the strength to do it herself, pretends to be in charge. This happens with daughters-in-law and mother-in-law. (And also with all people in the world.) And, of course, this must not be allowed. Calmly and confidently stand on the fact that the one who does, decides what, how and when. He can be offered help or advice, but not insisted. If he wants, he will ask himself. As soon as you start to teach too persistently what and how you should do, invite the person to take up the implementation of the recommendations.
And it is best to divide the spheres of responsibility in the house. For example, in the kitchen - one indisputable authority, and in relations with children - another. Arithmetic equality is optional.
Do you think you are absolutely irreplaceable? Fortunately for everyone, this is not the case. If it starts to seem that without your personal intervention in all the little things of family life everything will collapse right there, then it's time for you to go on vacation for a month. It is advisable to go to places where there are no long distance telephones or calls are too expensive.
Does not help? It's time to go to work or change it to a more responsible one. Wouldn't you like to realize yourself in some other business besides cleaning, cooking and checking lessons? Free up time for this by handing over to the other woman responsibility for what she can do and like, but is not important for you. Separating areas of responsibility is tricky and stressful. But two mistresses in the house, each of whom considers herself responsible for everything, is much worse.
You need to get along with your mother-in-law and build good relations from the first days. But at the first opportunity, go away with your husband. As the practice of most couples shows, relationships improve when all families live separately!
Mother-in-law / mother-in-law come to the young family without warning, bring food, clothes, try to help with money. Motive: "We are not strangers." But young people feel that they are not perceived as adults.
Archpriest Alexander Diaghilev. Photo: Andrey Petrov
Most often, the mother-in-law or mother-in-law has her own ulterior motive for doing this. It lies in the desire to continue to control the young family, to make it dependent on their help. Quite often people who are married are young enough - they can still study at the institute, or just start working, their salary may be small, or they may just start their own business, and then there are more expenses than income - and help from parents may seem like a very good time. It is difficult to refuse it. In this case, the mother-in-law or mother-in-law understands what she is playing on: it is difficult for young people to say “no” in a situation of really urgent need.
If the family is here and now in a situation of need, and parental help is a reaction to a specific one-time difficulty or problem, then this is normal. We must say "Thank you" and accept help. But if there is no need, and suddenly, unexpectedly, such "humanitarian aid", which was not asked for and which is really humiliating for an adult, begins to be repeated regularly, this is the first sign that the mother-in-law or the mother-in-law has some hidden goal. For example, to put a young family under your control, to make it dependent on yourself, to get the moral right to interfere in the internal life of the family and then to manipulate: “I brought this and that for you, but you don’t want to meet me halfway.”
For a person who brings you something, gives, it's hard to say the word "no". And it turns out a kind of bribe: first I give you food, money, and then I ask my daughter or son to tell how their personal life is going, and if a refusal follows, such games of manipulation begin.
Very often this is characteristic of mothers-in-law and mother-in-law, who are not married here and now: she already lived only as a son or only as a daughter, and now she is simply afraid to let them out of her control. It often happens that a person lives with his own child, he did not have his own life, so the creation of his family by a child becomes a tragedy. A mother-in-law or mother-in-law may not see ways of self-realization somewhere else, outside of caring for her child, may feel unnecessary. You can suggest: "Mom, would you like to go to choreography courses?"
By the way, very often later, when children appear in a young family, grandparents are very much in demand and needed. Because a young family is forced to work a lot, but the child stays at home, and the first candidate for a nanny is a grandmother and a grandfather. If they are not there, you will have to hire a nanny, and this is a stranger, who knows what she is - we hear a lot of different horrible stories on this topic. So soon enough, a young family can turn for help on their own.
Conflict 2: There are two mistresses in the house - a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law
There is no way to live separately from your parents. How to assign roles in everyday life? How not to quarrel?
Unfortunately, in such a situation, conflicts are almost inevitable. It is no coincidence that there are words in the Bible that are repeated many times: “A man will leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24; Mark 10: 7; Eph. 5:31).
“Leaving father and mother” means not only internally, psychologically separating when growing up, but also, if possible, living separately. It is not the norm when everyone lives in the same house, but in the Soviet Union, and in modern Russia, this is very common due to the lack of living space. The so-called multi-generational family.
Unfortunately, very often a young family cannot become independent and becomes an appendage to the family of their parents - wife or husband. And, as a rule, either the mother-in-law or the mother-in-law rules the kitchen. The young daughter-in-law resigns, but sometimes tries to snap back, which leads to conflicts. Unfortunately, they are almost inevitable.
Sometimes it turns out to conclude a "peace treaty" for a while, to distinguish between who does what, but sooner or later conflicts will flare up. And, most importantly, there will be constant tension, due to the fact that the husband and wife are not formed as a separate, independent family ...
The way out is to ask the question: “Where are we going to live” at the stage of planning marriage, and to deal with this issue while there are no children, otherwise, when there are children, it will be much more difficult to do this.
Conflict 3: criticism and nagging
Criticism may be fair somewhere, but constant. The daughter-in-law does not dress well, leaves the dishes in the sink, or the son-in-law earns little, does not go for promotion ...
There is a psychological game called "Gotcha, scoundrel." When a person does a hundred things magnificently and wonderfully, but maybe somewhere on trifles in the one hundred and first business he misses something. So, just on small flaws he is pointed with a finger, saying: “Here, and you always do this! And I have been saying for a long time that nothing good can be expected from you! " That is, a small error swells to the size of an elephant, to the point that everything good against this background fades.
In fact, when a person does this, it is his own internal problem. Because it turns out that he was looking for something to find fault with, he was looking, he was looking and, hurray, he found!
The motive for nagging can be jealousy, which the person will deny. But, nevertheless, she is: “My son suddenly began to leave me. Who is the culprit? Daughter-in-law. While she was away, we were doing well, my son and I lived great. And then she appeared ... "
A person can logically agree that this is a wrong line of thought: it is clear that children grow up, that the son will sooner or later leave the family, create his own.
But now this mother is bad, because her child is leaving her. And then the search for arguments begins as to why the one who takes the child away from me is bad.
In practice, this can be expressed in the fact that it is easy to find different reasons for criticism.
How to react? If you deny that what you are accused of is a flaw, it can be heard as: "You are telling a lie." If you make excuses, it turns out that you agree with the criticism, blown up to the size of an elephant.
Indeed, this is a rather difficult situation. Here, such a technique is possible as “there is a hole in the old woman”. “Forgive me, and there is a hole in the old woman,” that is, everyone is wrong. You don’t deny that you can be wrong, but you don’t make excuses.
As for the mother-in-law or mother-in-law herself, of course, it would be good for them to catch themselves on such constant criticism. Here, unfortunately, as a priest I will say: a person who does not lead a spiritual life, that is, does not monitor the state of his soul, may not even notice such things. Not to notice that I am making a remark precisely in order to find fault, not to correct a situation, but to correct a person. And since this is not a hit on a situation, but on a person, therefore, this is my personal problem - I am looking for reasons, confirmation of why my daughter-in-law or my son-in-law are bad in my eyes.
If a person nevertheless analyzes his behavior, then he may think. A son or daughter can be released internally even in adulthood, if this has not been done before.
Conflict 4: "She's not your match"
A son-in-law or daughter-in-law is not just criticized for trifles, but openly says: "She is not your match" or "You deserve better than your husband."
Oddly enough, there is only one choice. If there is a conflict between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, or between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law, then the child of this parent - the daughter of the mother-in-law or the son of the mother-in-law - must immediately, unequivocally side with his spouse. Literally stand up and defend, to the extent that you take over the conflict, cover yourself up. And already from this situation to get out on the sly. First, make it clear: "I am on the side of the wife" or "I am on the side of the husband."
And then, if you think that your mother was right, then without witnesses, alone with your spouse - discuss it. Competently, calmly, without personalizing, without offense, analyze the situation, try to understand whether it was possible to do otherwise. But at the moment of the conflict itself, it is very important that the husband sided with his wife and the wife side with her husband.
Conflict 5: Quarrel in a Young Family
Whose side should mother-in-law and mother-in-law take? How can you not act?
If, let's say, very competently, very correctly and accurately take the side of someone who is not your child, then you can help the situation. Let's say the wife yells at her husband: "You sawed off crookedly." The mother-in-law says: “Indeed, it’s crooked. But, daughter, you can't yell at your husband like that, ”- there is still a chance to help a little.
But there are also some risks.
In general, as a rule, interference from parents - mother-in-law, father-in-law, father-in-law, mother-in-law - especially if they take the side of their child, leads to increased conflict.
Until the collapse of the family: there are many stories when the mother-in-law divorced, the mother-in-law divorced - each from his own side.
Better to be neutral. Still, the commandment "A man will leave his father and mother" implies that there must already be some distance between the mother and the child who has entered into marriage. And intervention in the conflicts of a new family is fraught with very bad consequences.
Conflict 6: Sissy ...
The husband turned out to be a mama's son (less often - the wife's mama's daughter). He constantly calls his mother, talks to her for a long time every day, advises on everything, at her first call he flies to her, abandoning his family affairs. What to do?
"Mama's son" or "mama's daughter" do not appear from scratch. And where the mother makes every possible effort not to let go of the child from herself. Most often, single mothers or a mother who has internal problems, whether she is aware of them or not.
For example, somewhere in her soul she feels: “If the child leaves us, then we will simply divorce my husband. Because a child is what we lived for, what we endured each other for. And suddenly he leaves. Why do we need to live on? " And then, on the one hand, in order to feel needed, on the other hand, so that there is at least some reason to support her own family, such a mother will try by hook or by crook not to let go of the child.
The classic of the genre is finger manipulation: “You can have many wives, but you have only one mother,” while raising his index finger. If a child regularly heard this in childhood, in adulthood he does not even think that this statement may be wrong and unfair.
A believer even manages to think so, although it would seem that he knows the commandments, he read the Bible, but nevertheless: this idea is sitting in his head that there is only one mother, but there are many wives, husbands - I will not like one, I will always get divorced, and my mother I will never leave, I will never betray my mother. In this case, in a situation of conflict between his wife and his mother-in-law, or between a husband and his mother-in-law, a person takes the side of his mother, protects her in every possible way. A coalition is formed, husband and wife feel like rivals.
Can a spouse drive a wedge between mom and baby? Let's just say that a neutral person - a priest, a psychologist, a family friend - someone not from the family who enjoys authority can say: “Listen, do you know that there is such a commandment“ Honor your father and mother ”? But there is also a commandment: "A man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife." Therefore, honor and respect, but keep your distance. "
If there is someone smart, authoritative, but neutral, then maybe the person will listen to him, begin to notice such things and slowly change. Unfortunately, it is almost never possible to change the situation from the inside. A wife rarely manages to influence her husband to reconsider his relationship with his mother.
It remains for the wife (or husband) to clearly keep their boundaries, declare the mother-in-law or mother-in-law that this is our family. Most often in such a situation it turns out that this is not “our family”, but “I came, or I came to the family of a husband or wife”. This is quite consistent with the internal needs of my mother: she wanted everything to be the same as before - my baby and me.
Mom, too, someone from the outside, neutral, can explain the incorrectness of this position. But in order to explain it, you need to see the situation somehow. And, unfortunately, it is often not visible from the outside. That is, the mother looks almost like an ideal one, caring for her child, she tells everyone what a bastard her daughter-in-law is or what a bastard her son-in-law is, in confession she repents of anger, condemnation, irritation, and even a priest can involuntarily begin to condemn this son-in-law or this daughter-in-law, who provoke to sin and interfere with the spiritual life of this servant of God ... Rarely does anyone see the real situation and can understand what is happening.
An article that the mother-in-law sees on a website or magazine respected by her and reads in a book can help here: that is, again, some external, neutral authority can help to think.
Conflict 7: Faith Disputes
For example, a mother-in-law secretly baptizes her granddaughter. Or maybe he secretly leads her to a healer. Or she swears that the child is receiving communion from one spoon with everyone, and she will not allow it ...
I have already said that, ideally, a young family should live separately and the mother-in-law and mother-in-law should not see the internal life of the family. But if the situation is such that this is impossible, or if the young spouses live next to their parents, in a neighboring house, in the same area, in a neighboring apartment, and the mother-in-law and mother-in-law see that their grandson is receiving Communion, then conflicts can really arise: “How can one receive Communion a child with one spoon with everyone? " Or in the opposite direction: "You rarely give communion to my grandson." Anything can happen.
Here the same is necessary: to indicate that this is a family business. Mom may be right about something, but she should not interfere in the internal affairs of a young family. Calmly, not shouting, not getting personal - set your boundaries, explain that you will do as you see fit.
It happens that grandmothers baptize or give communion to their grandchildren in secret from their parents. Several times I came across a situation when a child was brought by a grandmother to baptize, and I had to refuse, because I should know that mom and dad agree, to have confirmation of this. I have been a priest for eighteen years now, and this happened twice in my practice.
Grandmothers who want to secretly baptize their grandchildren need to understand: it is not at all a fact that it will be in the interests of the child. The very fact that a person is baptized is not a guarantee of the salvation of the soul. Recently we discussed the story: the grandmother secretly baptized her grandson, because his parents are Satanists and were not going to do this ... But baptism imposes obligations on a person, and his upbringing will contradict these obligations: becoming a Satanist, he will sin, blaspheme, fornicate, rob, kill … But there is more demand from the baptized. If he believes in Jesus Christ and rejects the faith of his parents, conscious baptism will help him start a new life.
Conflict 8: Interfering with parenting
Motive: "Young are inexperienced." Grandmothers treat their grandchildren as they see fit, they do not always understand the newfangled methods of their children. Or simply - grandmothers tend to pamper their grandchildren, allowing them what their parents forbid ...
According to the law, the advantage in raising children is with the parents: not with the grandmothers, not with the teachers, but with the parents. Educators are even required to ask parents' permission for certain things. It's the same with grandparents.
I know a real situation when one mother - Orthodox-Orthodox - believing that her grandson is being raised incorrectly, managed to achieve the deprivation of her daughter's parental rights. It was in the "dashing 90s". The mother was declared insane and deprived of her rights to raise her child.
Then, however, this young woman had another child. Two sisters, but very different, because one was still able to be raised by her own mother, and the other by her grandmother, who thus tore the child away from her daughter. And in her perception, "the daughter gave birth to a girl for me." It turned out to be such a substitution: my daughter left, and I definitely need another Lyalek, therefore, when my daughter gives birth, I will select the child.
These are distortions, extremes. There are just everyday situations: for example, the parents do not give the child sweets, but the grandmother takes pity on him and gives him on the sly. Sometimes grandparents have a complex that they did not give something to their children, that they somehow raised them incorrectly, and grandchildren are perceived as a second chance in life to educate someone correctly and correct the mistakes of youth.
Therefore, grandmothers often pamper their grandchildren. Fighting over this is not worth it. But if the parents do not give sweets to the child, maybe there is a reason for this: allergies, diabetes. This cannot be neglected: a small child will not tell his grandmother why he is not allowed to do something.
Conflict 9: Feeling like the kids have forgotten you ...
The children got married and began to visit their parents much less often. The mother-in-law or mother-in-law feels that they have been forgotten, they are not consulted, they do not call every day ...
Perhaps when I myself become a father-in-law and father-in-law, I will be able to answer this more authoritatively. So far, my eldest daughter has just finished school. Perhaps in 5-10 years I will look at all this a little differently.
But now, in my mind, this situation looks like this: if the children do not go, then they do not want, and do not want, then it is not necessary. If you need to help them in something specific, to transport something, for example, of course, you need to help. In any case, this help should not be an instrument of interference in their personal life, so the less often it is, the better, especially at first.
A young family needs to be made clear: "If you need me or if you need me, contact me." And after a while, the children themselves will turn to their parents.
The more you impose, reproach them for not driving, the more you push yourself away. When you let go of the situation, you give them freedom, the children themselves come and call.
The main thing: young spouses need to be given the opportunity and time for self-affirmation as a new family. Accordingly, the interference of the older generation will be perceived as an attempt on the fact that we are a separate family. And if the fact that we are a separate family is respected by parents, then their adult children willingly make contact.
Conflict 10: "She doesn't call me Mom ..."
Parental families have different concepts of emotional closeness. The mother-in-law wants her daughter-in-law to call her "mother" at once, but she cannot - they did not accept such closeness in the family. Or, on the contrary, she wants her mother-in-law to replace her mother, and she is cold ...
Relationships should be such that they are comfortable for everyone. It is necessary to find compromises so that everyone is satisfied with the methods of communication. For example, I call my mother-in-law by her first name and patronymic, she is not only not offended, but she herself is glad about it: we had a conversation on this topic, and it turned out that she herself never understood people who call their mother-in-law and mother-in-law “ Mother". Mom is always alone.
So every family can have its own moments. There is no canonical rule in the Church for a husband to call his wife's mother "mother" or his wife's mother-in-law so called, there is no. You need to talk, ask, explain your position: "Is it convenient for you if I call you that?" Explain why I'm uncomfortable.
We had a time when I called my wife "mother" - in general, this often refers to a situation when the child is still very young. For example, when my wife called me with her little son "Sasha", after some time he began to call me "Xiaxia". And so that the child understands how to address us correctly, we resorted to this method. But that was in a fairly short period of time, and when the child learned the words "mom" and "dad", we switched to the usual address to each other.
Most likely, building such relationships in every family is an element of "grinding", somewhere non-verbal, somewhere through dialogue. But, in the end, it is important here to find a certain state that will be convenient and comfortable for everyone. If two people are comfortable that the husband calls the mother-in-law "mom", why not? But to insist, to compel, it seems to me, is impossible here.
Conflict 11: Mother-in-law and mother-in-law did not get along ...
What position should a young family take? Pull apart?
This is a conflict of strangers. We must try to breed them as much as possible, up to the point that they do not collide at common events. But it is fundamentally important not to get involved in this conflict, because mother-in-law and mother-in-law tend to involve their children in such a conflict.
If two adults quarrel among themselves, this is their story. That it is within the power of young spouses to divorce them geographically and in time, and then try not to interfere.
If this happens right before your eyes, then the same principle applies: everyone takes the side of someone else's parent.
P.S. Why do we most often talk about conflicts with mother-in-law and mother-in-law? And anecdotes about them. Father-in-law and father-in-law treat their children more easily, are they less prone to conflict?
Situations are different. Firstly, many father-in-law and father-in-law simply do not live up to the marriage of their daughters or the marriage of their sons ... There are a lot of single mothers, and much less single fathers. And therefore, in practice, in real life, a young family often has to deal with a mother-in-law and mother-in-law.
In addition, mothers interfere with the personal life of their children most often when they are alone in a relationship with a spouse. Even if it is, there is some misunderstanding between them. And the husband either withdraws himself when clarifying the relationship with his daughter-in-law or son-in-law, or takes the side of his wife. It so happens that the men of our time have a softer position in such conflicts.
Perhaps, different psychological orientations of men and women play a role: a man is more focused on the outside world, on affairs in the outside world, and for a woman it is more important - relations with family members, she is focused on the inner world of the family. For a man, a house is a place where he comes from the outside world to rest, and a woman lives in this house.
Therefore, women react painfully to some misunderstandings in the family, to the situation inside the house, more acutely than men. A man will react more sharply to the situation at work, and this is normal. Again, it is understandable that there are different men and different women. But most often the situation is as follows: when a man comes home and is told that we have problems, quarrels, he is inclined to brush it off. And for a woman, the atmosphere in the house is very important.
Prepared by Valeria Mikhailova