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I can’t live without him what to do. I love a married man, what should I do? Can't live without it? How to get out of an addicted relationship

Psychologist's answer.

Hello Christina.

First, you should sort out your feelings, love or addiction. Emotional addiction is addiction to a relationship with another person. it forces a person to abandon their interests, important needs and life values. Emotional addiction can be very difficult to recognize, as its presence is often confused with strong love feelings. Many people live in unsatisfactory, destructive relationships, believing that this is how it should be "I suffer means I love" - ​​and, not realizing that it could be different. Love is not suffering and torment, but the union of two mature people who good and comfortable together and which do not collapse in interaction with each other. They do not need to control their partner, or protect themselves from him, or manipulate, or "correct" or save. And they can realize themselves, make independent decisions, while maintaining the self-respect of everyone. Love does not prevent a person from realizing his potential, to love, besides a partner, the whole world and himself as a part of it. A loving person seeks to create, and not to sacrifice himself, to enter into a dialogue, and not to obey. Emotional dependence is not good and unpleasant because our well-being, our spiritual comfort and a sense of happiness, it turns out, depend on another person. While the master of our life - ideally - should be ourselves. You need to work on yourself, for this you need:

1. Realize the problem and see examples of emotional dependence in your own life. Understand what your parents could not give you in childhood, what your deficit is (after all, this is what you are now trying to get with the help of other people).

2. Learn to take responsibility for your life on yourself, and not blame other people for your misfortunes and experiences. Don't expect someone to read your thoughts, guess your desires, tell you what to do, or change something in your life. You can assume that they will help you, but you need to rely primarily on yourself. Do not do for other people what they can do for themselves. Do not grab to solve other people's problems. Anything you want to do for the other person, do it for yourself first. Understand that we are not omnipotent. Most of the world around us is beyond our control. We cannot control anyone except ourselves.

3. Deepen contact with yourself: be aware of your values, your own goals, needs, desires, dreams. Don't torment yourself for mistakes. Learn to love, praise, approve and accept yourself with all your weaknesses, imperfections, fears.

4. Work to build self-esteem and build self-confidence. Learn to stop intrusions into your personal space. Don't give in if someone tries to instill guilt in you or is mistreated. Dealing with emotional addiction should constantly focus on distinguishing yourself from another person: “Here I am, and here he is. Here we are similar, but here we are different. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he - his, and this is not a threat to our closeness. We do not need to give up relationships, contact in order to satisfy our various desires. " Learn to face the fact that other people cannot be with you all the time, they cannot recognize without words what you want or don’t want, they cannot express their love all the time.

Probably, there is not a single woman who, at least once in her life, has not heard from her friends: "I cannot live without him." Indeed, despite the sick relationship, such friends continue to endure and hope that something will change. Or, after parting, they really do not live, still digging up the debris of the past and sprinkling ashes on their heads. The most interesting thing is that a new relationship, like a good photocopy, is not very similar to the previous ones.

And then, such a friend begins to walk around the "sorceresses" who will surely discover her celibacy wreath or tell about the sins of past lives. For some time, after these manipulations, it will seem to her that it has become easier, but then everything will return to normal again.

Despite her sincere desire for happiness and willingness to do something for this, all the men in her life, one way or another, turn out to be “wrong”. Someone drinks, someone beats, someone walks or is extremely greedy, old-fashioned grumpy and picky, and someone, in general, is married. All of them, for some time, made her happy, or maybe she thought so, but then, at some point, suddenly everything changed for the worse, no matter how hard she tried to please and please again. She always sincerely hopes that a person can be changed in a good way, she just needs to behave even better, because it is so important to her that she is appreciated and loved. But, for some reason, all her love is just suffering.

And, if you look closely, in all these painful and unhappy relationships, a certain sequence of actions is very clearly traced. For example, such a friend is not looking for easy ways, she herself "provokes" the appearance of difficult, emotionally inaccessible men next to her with her eternal readiness to please and try to please. And then, with "simple and understandable" she is very bored and bland. At the beginning of the relationship, she is "head over heels in love," they give her the much needed feelings of security, love and attention. But, as soon as the relationship approaches a certain stage of balance, she, not finding the same emotional response from her partner, begins to feel unsafe "what if he has someone" or "what if he doesn't need me." And then she begins to behave even "better" in the truest sense of the word, investing even more in the relationship. Eventually, relationship satisfaction and its contribution to relationship begins to be inversely proportional. She no longer gets that feeling of happiness, but she always remembers it, remembering those wonderful moments at the beginning of the relationship and trying with all her might to keep them. Therefore, trying to restore the previous sense of security, she begins to "cling" to her partner in fear. The partner, seeing her willingness to do anything for the sake of love, acts with her as he sees fit. He sees how much she needs, how strong her need for love and for him, as her source. A girl in love, not noticing anything, continues to suffer in this relationship (even if it was unsafe for life), because she is afraid of being lonely and abandoned. She is ready for anything, for any sacrifice, just to be with this person, finding many reasons why they need to be together.

And the real cause of her suffering was "love addiction." She really was emotionally dependent on her partner, because she did not feel internally whole. She saw herself only in the mirror of male attention and the attitude of a partner to herself, therefore she was so hopelessly trying to fix everything. It was so important for her to be needed by someone. After all, with herself she felt inferior. She just needs a person who would convince her that she is worthy of something. She cannot give it to herself.

Only understanding the deep reasons for her behavior will help her to get out of the vicious circle, because all other recipes simply will not work. Engaging in such masochism in relationships and provoking it in relation to themselves, such women, as a rule, protect themselves from other, more painful topics: from the danger of the world around them and themselves. And if you try to "quickly" take away this protection from her, she will not stand it and will find an even more destructive way, just not to feel herself, not to be left alone with her own "badness" and pain. Therefore, for such friends who are prone to love suffering, the best support will not be pity or condemnation, but the help of a specialist.

Yulia G. Gorozhankina
Practicing psychologist. Existential-humanistic therapist.

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asks: Maria

Hello! It is very difficult for me to understand my relationship with an already ex-person ... We were together for 1.5 years, all this time I tried to please him (I dressed modestly, did not contradict, completely changed my lifestyle, stopped communicating with friends), in one word lived them. All this state led me to the fact that I simply could not withstand such an onslaught and "compression" of myself (limitation) that I "exploded" and left him. A few months later we got back together ... but this time I walked with friends and did everything that he limited me. After the reunion, he was "broken" and at every meeting he said that I had betrayed him (I did not have relationships with men, he was the first). Now we are not together. .. My parents found out that we got back together and forbade me to communicate with him ... To which he said that he wanted to walk with me like those friends, and that there could be no talk of a wedding .. because I am not sitting at home , and I am walking with a friend in the parks, I broke his heart. Father through me called him for a conversation, but instead of coming and defending me (beloved), in front of my parents, he cursed us and turned off. Several weeks passed and he showed up again ... he says that he doesn't need me like that, but he watches me. Now he writes that I'm stupid and that I will not meet someone like him and that all my life I will suffer and love only him ... Help with advice ... It's hard for me with him, and it's bad without him (

Answers and advice from psychologists

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I am a psychologist at the psychoanalytic school. In 2005, I graduated from the Eastern European Institute of Psychoanalysis in St. Petersburg. Specialization-clinical psychologist-psychoanalyst. I am engaged in private practice. Practical work experience in the specialty - 10 years.

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Hello. Maria. If this person in the candy (demonstration) period managed to squeeze you before the explosion, then think for yourself what will happen in the second phase of the relationship, when all the masks will be removed from him. I think that you will be assured of tyranny for life. He knows how to suppress and coerce. But, he does not know how to love and appreciate. Nevertheless, how you evaluate your life, so you will live in it. Since you have the same choice as he does. It doesn't matter how many times a month he appears and tracks down. It is important for you to think about yourself and your peace of mind. But, since this young man has magnetism for you, you yourself can weigh and decide how much your Value is worth.



Maria, what you are describing is a prime example of a dependent relationship. This is not about love, this is about addiction.

According to your story, it is not clear why you feel bad without him?

But if any advice can be given here, then it is to do as much as possible with your life, your interests, make a firm decision (head!) About this person and observe him (no matter how much you are manipulated and seduced to the opposite).

Unfortunately, quite often women are left alone, and they experience it very hard. Just a couple of days ago, you were swimming in love and thought that this relationship would last forever, but then something changes dramatically. Sometimes the reason is infidelity, scandals, or just a man decides to leave for reasons you do not understand. In any case, this is a terrible loss that not everyone can accept.

Sometimes girls have thoughts that without this the world seems empty, that there is no point in living anymore. How to be in such a situation? How to regain faith in yourself and the ability to control your thoughts and actions? Let's try to find a way out.

What if life without a loved one seems meaningless?

1. This is a psychological addiction... You must understand that a long-term relationship is always an attachment, which most often leads to psychological dependence. You have no idea how you can live without this person, but did you live before? You had reasons to enjoy life and not be sad, you did not even know that this man exists. In the same way, now you do not know what will happen next, but there will still be a lot of joyful events ahead and the one that will make your heart beat faster again.

Of course, you are now suffering and sad, because you spent so much time together, but this is not the main thing, because if he does not love you, then you cannot fix it.

2. Learn to respect yourself... Do you think that the fact that you commit suicide will stop your ex-lover from dating and regret your breakup? Perhaps he will not even know about it, and if he does, then his life will not radically change from this. Also think about what you are worth, without him, yourself, as a person. Do you really think that men can be tied to themselves with reproaches and threats?

For you to be appreciated, it is also important that you value yourself as well. There will be many more men in your life, and you are alone, so you cannot allow yourself to degrade, develop, love yourself and then not only your ex, but other men will be at your feet.

3. Remember there are other men in the world... This is very important, because only a few people abandon relationships forever after parting. While you think that you cannot live without him, how difficult and difficult it is for you, someone is walking somewhere who will make you happy and give true mutual love. Have you had any girlfriends who did not want to look at other men for a long time after breaking up?

Are there among them who, after a while, fell in love until they lost consciousness? This means that in your life there will be a new love, much stronger than the previous one.

4. Remember examples from the lives of friends... Surely among those around you, there are examples of how sometimes everything suddenly changes, how people meet those who become their second half for the rest of their lives. Parting with a loved one is not a guarantee that you will be alone, moreover, after parting, the chance to meet your destiny increases significantly.

Share your problem with friends and acquaintances, for sure at least one person will have stories about how, after breaking up with a man, a woman fell in love even more, found her destiny, and then laughed at herself, because suffering was meaningless. After some time, you will not even remember this person, because you will have new relationships, new love, new impressions, so remember this and repeat to yourself every day.


5. Take care of yourself... Most often, after parting, women fall into despair, and men do not endure the breakup so hard. But then, when the woman resigned herself, the man has a desire to return her, he begins to realize the scale of his loss. Have you heard stories from friends of your friends about how the ex would sometimes return unexpectedly? Of course, this does not mean at all that you need to give him a chance and step over your principles, but you must be ready for such a turn of events.

Go in for sports, visit a stylist, start doing that hobby for which you always did not have enough time. An ex-boyfriend should bite his elbows when he finds out how much you have changed and prettier. Men should not see your suffering, this will not achieve anything, but you will be able to indulge your vanity when he will not give you peace of mind with his calls. Better improve, it always bears fruit. This is an excellent recommendation also for those who, despite everything, still want to be with their former lover again. If you want him to treat you differently, learn to change, too.

6. Give yourself time... This is really important to understand, because you need to learn to put up with pain and try to live with it. Quite a difficult skill, but if you have no other way, you will have to overpower yourself. Try to get deeper into your work, visit family more often, and meet friends.

This way, time will pass faster, and you will be less tempted to stay at home to suffer, looking at the ceiling. Ideally, if your sister or girlfriend will move in with you for a while. You will have more fun, and the feeling of loneliness will not drive you into depression.

7. Analyze your relationship... If you are afraid to make mistakes again, then it is important to evaluate the qualities that your ex-boyfriend possessed. So you will be able to calculate everything in advance in the future and not repeat the mistake of the previous relationship. Just try to look for its complete opposite, set yourself up in a positive way, and don't let yourself be disrespected. Thus, you can be sure that in the future they will not do to you the way you did now.

8. See a psychologist... If you could not solve your problem on your own, and you still have strange thoughts, then be sure to contact a specialist. Some girls and women become depressed for long periods of time and stop living normal lives. As soon as you begin to understand that you cannot eat, drink, work and have fun, then immediately go to a psychologist. In your life, this is an isolated case, but he is constantly faced with this and he has a huge experience. A psychologist will help you get out of this state and, using professional methods, will set you up in a positive mood.

I'm 22. Almost a year ago I got a job as a secretary. He was my gene. director. An ordinary man, not handsome. 35 years. He was divorced, but he has a beloved son, he is 3 years old, who has always been and remains for him in first place. He did not communicate with his ex-wife, but he often visited his son - against which I was never and was not jealous, because I adore children myself. A spark slipped between us immediately, on my 2nd working day. I realized that I was interested in an ADULT MAN, after all, the difference is 13 years (I did not have such a relationship before, and it was somehow new, not familiar, but it’s interesting to try if I could be with such a man, because before him I had guys of the same age , and everything was not serious, probably before this incident I did not love anyone).
I am Capricorn by horoscope, he is Pisces. He told me right away that his ex-wife is also Capricorn (and my life is just “lucky” to Pisces). They developed because they did not agree in character. Although the fact that I am also a Capricorn and my character is not a gift did not stop him. I even remember how, almost on his knees, he begged me to start dating him, the age difference frightened me, so despite the strong attraction and sympathy for him, I thought for a long time whether it was necessary and whether something would work out, I told him about my fears , to which he said that everything will be fine, he is sure that he needs such a young girl nearby, that there have never been such young ones. I agreed to a relationship.
At work, the relationship was hidden as best they could, like no one knew about them, after all, he is the director, and who I am, an ordinary secretary.
Half a year ago, he quit, and I left behind, because I could not accept that there would be a new director in his place, so painfully everything in the office reminded me of him. He also invited me to leave so as not to torment myself with memories, because by that moment we had already parted ...
And it was like this:
3 months of relationship with him - it was a paradise, a luxury that I had not yet had. We both glowed with happiness. I felt that he was head over heels in love, then I was still wary of him, everyone called him with you (which infuriated him wildly). But later, overcoming the age difference, I also realized that I was falling in love.
He was the man of my dreams, I never dreamed of such gifts of fate. He gave expensive gifts (I had never dreamed of this before). I gave a gold ring, I remember choosing it myself, and I still wear it ... I took it to restaurants, drank expensive wine, etc. etc.
I also remember that he wanted more children, namely twins (and at every meeting he asked if I would give him them). After a month of relationship, our first sex happened. Everything was wonderful in bed. Said I was better than all his exes put together! He also suited me more than.
And everything would seem, here it is happiness! I waited like a naive girl (which is, at 22 I am a naive child) that he will propose and we will live happily ever after. But later it turned out that he lived with his mother, there was no apartment of his own, which surprised me of the end. The car is expensive, with money like a man ... There really was no apartment. He said that he just had to save up a little and buy himself a separate apartment. Yes, I didn't even care about where to live and how, the main thing is next to him!
But soon everything changed overnight. And it happened after I got very drunk at my friend's birthday party. He took me out of the club, just inadequate and wildly drunk. I threw a drunken tantrum and a scandal for him right in the car. In the end, it all ended with the fact that it was the last day of our happy relationship. He said that he did not need such a girl. That I’m a youngster, a major, I go to clubs, etc. And he wants a family, children (I wanted the same!). He said that I still had a walk and that I was crazy and hysterical, then he apparently made a mistake and I was not his man. 3 months of relationship turned out to be a waste of time ... He said we are too different and that I need to grow up and wiser. I remember for a long time did not believe that this was the end. Tears and depression ... After all, only having lost him, I suddenly realized how dear and necessary he is to me and that I fell head over heels in love with him, and that I was a complete fool, that perhaps I did not appreciate him, but took him for granted. This separation was the end of the world for me! Broken heart and all the deeds. And they parted because of such nonsense, it would seem, well, who doesn't freak out drunk?
Then, I remember calling him every day, writing and looking for a reason to see each other, begged to forgive me for my inappropriate behavior. But he ignored me and didn't want to see me.
A month later, I almost began to forget him and resigned myself to the loss, when suddenly he showed up!
He called me himself! And as if nothing had happened, he said that he should see each other. I flew to him on the wings of love ... And it all started from the beginning (I lit up again and a ray of hope appeared that we would still be together).
When we met, he said that he was still sympathetic to me, but the love was gone, because after that incident his rose-colored glasses fell off, and he saw me "real". But nevertheless, he said that he was very bored and therefore wanted to see him. I pounced on him with kisses and hugs, to which he did not immediately, but still reciprocated. It all ended with the fact that we decided that it was worth staying just friends.
Later, after another month, these "just friends" became lovers. Sex happened and then it was repeated at each of our rare meetings (and we saw each other once every 2 weeks, sometimes it turned out less often).
And it seemed that such an alignment suited him (well, except for me, in my heart I wanted to return everything, because my love with him only grew stronger with each meeting). But just the other day, he said that it was necessary to put an end to it all ... I was shocked and even cried! It was painful and not pleasant. He said that I was a young and beautiful girl, and I had to look for a young and rich one, but now he has problems at work and a lot of debts, and also from the "old". I remember that because of his problems, we did not see each other for 2 months, and he almost did not call me, but I was waiting for him and this very (as it turned out, the last) meeting as a devoted puppy. He decided to put an end to it, because he doesn't want to torture me and give me hope (although he didn't think about it for half a year). I was like a fool for the first time in all the time that I knew him, all in tears confessed my love and my feelings that I could not live without him and really miss him, I remember our relationship almost every day. But that didn’t stop him, he said that he didn’t need my love and he didn’t want a relationship with anyone. I asked if he had someone better than me, but he said that there was no one and he didn’t want to look for anyone anymore, because after a relationship with me he realized that regardless of age, all women are the same, and it would be easier for him to be one, than to flutter your nerves and listen to the removal of the brain (and I loved to endure the brains, I do not argue). At this last meeting, he was kind of annoyed, not himself. He was never so rude, as a substitute for a man. Before this serious conversation, an hour earlier we had an affinity, then right in the middle of the night, he took me home. He kissed the lips and said: "Forgive me and take care of yourself." I ran home in tears and I still do not believe that these were his last words to me, I do not believe that I will no longer see him and will not hear his voice, so dear….
Since then, 2 weeks have passed, and I cry every day and became depressed. Apathy and aggression to everything began. All thoughts are about him, as if he left and took a part of me with him. I cannot live normally, it torments me from the inside, these eternal memories are dragging along. In all male passers-by, I look for his features, the smell of his perfume, it has reached the point of paranoia. It was as if I was left there in the past, where I was the happiest in the world. I was desperately trying all this time to get him back through this "friendship", to tie him to me with unforgettable sex - but nothing came of it. And this thought that I have lost him forever, that nothing can be returned does not give me peace. I have never felt so bad. I am empty, I see no meaning in life without him. This is the wild pain of unrequited love. I poured out my whole soul to him that last day, but he did not give a damn about it and he simply did not need my love. The other day I remembered one of his phrases at the very beginning of our relationship, he said that I would break his heart with my beauty, youth, that I was the girl of his dreams, that I was always looking for one (and I believed him then, he said sincerely), that he was in love as a schoolboy, and without me he can no longer ... But in the end it turned out the opposite! That I was left with a broken heart. And he has his own life, his own problems, I think that he no longer remembers me, since he was able to part so easily ...
I can't live like this anymore, I keep waiting, I believe, I hope. I expect that all the same he will call or write an SMS, that we will see you again ... My hand does not rise to delete the number even and I keep a photo with him. But I'm not stupid, I understand everything perfectly with my head, that everything, you have to accept it, I will not return it, but you cannot order your heart - it cannot come to terms with the fact that I have lost a dear and already dear person, the man of my dreams. This is how he was always for me God, and he remains. I'm desperate!!! Help me please!!! I got confused in my thoughts, which are 99 percent occupied by him, and after this I don't even want to switch to someone (after all, it kind of knocks out a wedge like a wedge).