Talking about feelings. Talking About Feelings: Taboo Techniques
Manipulation is when a person is secretly provoked to take any action against his will, his feelings are exploited, such as love, affection, pity, guilt, indignation, fear.
The most common manipulations involve feelings of guilt:
"I get tired at work, I come home, but the dishes are not washed!" Whoever says this expects family members to feel guilty and run to wash the dishes.
"Because of you (the sounds of your game), I did not sleep all night!" This phrase hides the expectation that your partner will feel guilty and will take care of your sleep.
"I have done so much for you, and you, ungrateful, cannot do a simple thing for me!" The expectation that the partner ... is right, will feel guilty and will begin to repay the "debt."
In order to protect themselves from these types of manipulations, the affected party needs to get rid of the feeling of guilt. And also - to make it clear to the partner that she is not responsible for his condition and ask in the future to voice her wishes in plain text. For example: "Please wash the dishes", "Please turn down the sound of the speakers", "Help me, please ...".
The fight of extrasensories
Some spouses manipulate their partner by ignoring him. For example, a girl stops talking to a young man, does not explain anything, makes a displeased face, does not answer questions, or confines herself to monosyllabic answers. This manipulation is also designed for feelings of guilt, and the partner, among other things, must guess what he did wrong, that is, in fact, show telepathic abilities.
Protection against such manipulation is to allow the manipulator to stay in this state as long as he wishes, until he is going to voice the problem.
Credit in feelings
Love can also be manipulated. This is done simply - with the help of the phrase “If you love me ...” As if a choice is put before the partner: if you love, do what I want, and if not, then you don’t love. This not only causes feelings of guilt, but also real confusion in the head. The word "should" does not apply to the expression of love. Such a "forbidden trick" can lead to the fact that after a while the answer to the question "Do you love me?" the partner's inner tension and the words "What else do you want?"
A similar manipulation begins with the words "a man must ...". This is an attempt to play on manhood. A similar phrase - "a woman should ...". The implication is “you owe me (owe)”, but it is not clear why someone suddenly turns out to be someone's debtors and creditors.
Probably the stupidest technique is the manipulation of sex: "If you don't do it in my opinion, you will be left without sweets." The stupidity is that such manipulation deliberately dooms the relationship to failure. Sooner or later, the partner will get tired of being in the role of the supplicant and will start looking for what he wants in another place or simply break off the relationship.
Vicious triangle
Manipulation through an intermediary involves referring to a third party - "influence him." In this case, the third party becomes someone unprotected. It is possible to "drain" dissatisfaction with each other on him, without addressing directly to the partner. Such a person can be the mother of one of the spouses or another relative, and sometimes a child. Parents charge him with an overwhelming task to convey what they cannot say to each other in the eyes.
Another example of manipulation is threats. “If you don’t do something, I’ll leave you!”. Keep in mind, if you promise to leave, but you do not leave, you promise to expel, but you do not expel, you promise to deprive something, but you do not deprive, you lose trust. Do not threaten with what you most likely will not fulfill, but rather do not threaten at all. Threats will not make love stronger.
With manipulation, you can get a quick result, but in the long run it leads to distrust, irritation and tension. Drop-by-drop manipulation destroys relationships, creates discomfort in them, which fills and oppresses all joint space. It becomes unpleasant for two people to be around, and this tension cannot be explained, there is just a feeling that something is wrong, for some reason it is bad.
It's for love
Believe me, manifestations of love can do much more than manipulation and threats. Do not manipulate yourself and do not allow yourself to be manipulated, then the relationship will become sincere and open.
What if you recognize yourself as a manipulator?
First, stop using the methods we have described, and right now: cancel the game of silence, under no circumstances manipulate love and sex, do not rush empty threats and do not involve third parties in your relationship (the only exception is a family psychologist).
If you want something from a loved one, try to express it through the “I-message”. Talk only about yourself, try to convey information about your feelings and desires as clearly as possible. For example, “I’m angry when you do this”, but not “I’m angry because of you” and not “You make me angry”. You may not always be heard, but remember that it is water that, with its gentle touches to an acute-angled stone, changes its shape and makes it smooth.
And most importantly, thank you. Say thanks to your beloved and give thanks in your mind, remembering what he does for you. Even the most ordinary little things. Fall asleep every night with gratitude for the love you have been given.
Talking to your partner is not just about listening and understanding what they are talking about. An important place in all this is given to candor.
“My spouse hardly speaks to me. I don’t know and I can’t even imagine what is going on in his head, what feelings he is experiencing ”.
What do you think is hidden behind this phrase? Yes, it's hidden request for intimacy.
The wife wants not to know, but to feel that she is a close person to her husband. And this can only happen when the husband is frank with her.
It turns out that in order to tell his wife about his love, the husband needs to spend time with her, and moreover, to talk about his feelings and thoughts, that is, to be frank with her.
It is important to understand that frankness is far from an easy job.
Many people were brought up in an environment where expressing your feelings and worries were not only not welcomed, but punishment followed.
For example, when a child asked to buy a new toy, he was not only refused, but also repeated about his poor financial situation. As a result, the child was worried guilt due to the presence of desires.
If the child expressed anger, then he was immediately answered with rudeness. The child has learned that being angry, let alone expressing anger, is bad.
Thus, as we grow up, our own feelings and experiences not only remain unspoken, but sometimes inaccessible to ourselves.
"What are your thoughts on what our son did?" the wife asks her husband. The latter says: “I think he did the wrong thing. He should have ... ".
Do you notice that your husband doesn't talk about his feelings at all? His words are just thoughts out loud. In fact, the husband can feel anger, resentment, disappointment. However, a long life under the ban on the expression of feelings left its mark. And it is not surprising that teaching frank conversation will be tantamount to learning a foreign language for him. But learning to understand and notice your own feelings is a step towards close relationship.
To learn how to have a frank conversation with your partner, try paying attention to the feelings you have when you are not at home. A notebook can help you with this. Ask yourself several times a day:
- What feelings and emotions have I experienced over the past two or three hours?
- How did I feel when I found myself at work that I forgot important documents at home?
- What did I feel when my boss threatened to deprive me of my bonus for not completing a report on time?
- How did I feel when I was sent to solve some work issues during lunchtime?
- What did I feel when the store cheated me with change?
- What was it like when I found out that I forgot my house keys at work?
Write down your emotions and feelings in a notebook, and next write down the event in connection with which you experienced the corresponding emotions. It might look like this:
- anger, confusion - forgot important documents;
- indignation, anger - the threat of being deprived of the prize;
- irritation, disappointment - deprivation of a lunch break;
- bewilderment, anger, confusion - deception with surrender.
If you analyze your experiences several times a day, be sure that you will soon gain the ability to understand and notice your own feelings.
Try talking to your spouse about the feelings you have experienced throughout the day. Remember that talking about emotions and worries is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you understand your feelings and strive to be frank.
Talking about the feelings experienced during the day, you will cease to feel discomfort when talking about the feelings associated with your wife, husband, child, and other events related to your family. It is important to understand that emotions by themselves cannot be good or bad. Experienced emotions are the body's response to events.
It is emotions and our thoughts that are the basis for accepting any solutions... Expression and manifestation of emotions and feelings about a particular situation is frankness. If you decide to learn how to have a frank conversation with your partner, then the most interesting thing remains for you - to act.
Feelings of guilt and shame can be beneficial, but can also be detrimental to a person. Constant aggression directed at oneself makes it difficult to feel the fullness of life. Can these feelings be corrected? How to work through your deepest feelings? We talk about this with psychotherapist Daniil Khlomov.
DOSSIER Daniil KHLOMOV - psychotherapist, gestalt analyst, director and head of long-term training programs at the Moscow Gestalt Institute. President of the Association of Practicing Psychologists, a member of the International Association for Group Psychotherapy, a member of FORGE - an international coaching federation in the field of gestalt therapy, a member of the Council of the International Association for the Development of Gestalt Therapy (AAGT), a permanent trainer of international gestalt therapy programs (Germany, France, Great Britain, USA).
Is it possible to get rid of feelings such as guilt and shame, suppress them?
At one time, I really liked the idea that gestalt therapists often use: all feelings can have normal expression, or they can become toxic. Normal shame is most like an autopilot signal. This is a feedback signal indicating that you are overstepping. When a person goes out to speak for the first time, it is not normal if he does not feel some discomfort. But sometimes this experience becomes unbearable, exciting. Then they talk about "toxic" shame, that is, excessive, this unnecessary feeling.
Can shamelessness return to normal sensation?
The opposite of shame is pride. A person filled with shame seeks to do something that would overlap his past failures, sins, that is, to do something heroic.
What, then, is a person experiencing toxic shame if you don't compensate for it with pride?
Shame goes away if you can share it with someone. For example, you arrive in a foreign country and do not know how to apply. How do people act? They come in pairs to share this experience. If you have someone to tell about your unbearable shame and the person can listen and take your experience seriously, this is the way out of the isolation that toxic shame generates.
We fight with shame after the event, when the trauma has already been received.
First you need to become aware of your experience, then overcome the tendency to isolation. A person who is ashamed has a desire to separate, to run away from other people, to hide. As they say: "to sink into the ground for me", "to hide so that no one can see me." On the one hand, the trend is good. If a person has committed a misdemeanor, it is not safe. Therefore, the desire to be alone is normal physical safety. On the other hand, in order for this feeling to pass, it is very important to have a trusted person with whom you can talk everything.
It is also important that shame allows you to listen, to react more attentively. At the same time, this feeling suppresses physical activity. For example, when performing, the movements become awkward, it is impossible to breathe, speak. Setting the autopilot makes it difficult to further deviate: once you have already deviated, until more is needed. All functions of shame can be good or bad. For example, a person cannot ask for a raise, but instead waits for the boss to propose to him. Due to false modesty, he remains behind, although he had every chance of promotion.
"SHAME IS ITS KIND OF Anger, ONLY RETURNED INSIDE." Karl Marx
Is guilt a product of shame? Is there guilt without shame?
In my opinion, guilt is more dangerous. For example, a small child indulged in, pulled the tablecloth, the vase fell and broke. The kid is punished: they can spank or strictly say that this should not be done. And now, after a while, this child runs in the same way, pulls the tablecloth in the same way, and another vase breaks. The kid is crying, he is already punishing himself. Guilt is such a “built-in punisher”. We do not know what exactly the parents forbade, for which the person will blame himself. It is quite possible that, having committed a "bad" act, he will unconsciously punish himself. For example, the family did not live well, it was "bad" to buy expensive things. Later, the person experiences difficulties acquiring something significant. He will buy a car and will definitely knock or crash seriously. This is a very common occurrence. The more dreams come true, the stronger the punishment can be.
It turns out that there is no shame or guilt?
These two feelings are related. If I do not have some kind of reference point, I do not know what is wrong in my actions. Then I cannot punish myself with the experience of guilt. It is very important to accept your actions: yes, I did wrong. And then not to punish myself, but to understand why I did this. Maybe there was some reason in this, and then there is no point in blaming yourself. There are people who have too much guilt. Most often they try to get out by being loved: yes, I am to blame, but you love me.
WAKE UP, JUDGMENT IS COMING! A number of psychological surveys in recent years in different countries (from India to the USA, England and Scotland) have confirmed that more than 90% of women feel guilty every day. Some of them several times a day. About a third of the participants in each of the polls even wake up at night with terrible guilt. Among its main reasons are insufficient attention to children, passivity, lack of willpower (including when losing weight).
Can you redeem your guilt? For example, just ask for forgiveness ...
It's good. In the well-known rehabilitation program for overcoming alcohol and drug addiction, there are stages during which work takes place with the experience of feelings of guilt. A person seeks to compensate for the damage that he brought to other people by his drunkenness. Many have had this experience: when you wake up after drinking, the feeling of guilt covers.
And then the feeling of shame when they show you a video of how you had fun there.
Many people do not know how to forgive, not only others, but also themselves. In some ways they are like a child who cries and spanks himself for breaking a vase. Of course, those around them are calmer: there is no need to worry about punishment, the person will cope on his own. But this is an active auto-aggression, destruction of myself and what belongs to me, which is valuable to me. This is a dangerous process. Many failures may well be associated with feelings of guilt.
And you can't say: “Go to hell! I am not guilty of anything in front of you, and I live beautifully ”? Why don't these mantras work?
It seems that such people look dangerous to society. For example, the show "Dexter" is just about that. If a person's ordinary feelings work differently or do not work at all, he needs to build some kind of his own system. Dexter fights with criminals, with other bad ones, because he has no other way of orienting himself towards a socially acceptable life. The scheme is simple: “I'm not good enough, but I will kill those who are much worse than me. And so I will be good. "
Can the therapist help to process shame and guilt into more pleasant feelings, creative, constructive?
Rather, just deal with difficult experiences. To cope alone is very long, difficult and unpleasant. It's easier to say it, and then some way will be revealed. Everyone has their own, because each person is unique.
SHAME OR HEARING? Have you ever wondered why so many people, like yourself, look away when they speak? Maybe they're lying? Or are they hiding something? Or are they ashamed? Are they guilty?
Japanese psychologists at Kyoto University have made some progress in answering this question in a recent experiment. People were asked to look or not to look in the eyes and generate verbs. It turns out that mutual eye contact stimulates thought processes in a very special way. When we speak or listen in the course of a conversation, our brain builds visual images on the go. Eye contact distorts this thinking process. We see the interlocutor, study his gestures, interpret facial expressions, this distracts and leads us into thinking not about the topic of the conversation, but about the interlocutor himself. That is, the real subject of the review prevents us from building visual images for a deeper understanding of what we have heard.
The more difficult the story you are telling or being told, the more likely you will have to look away. If your interlocutor looks away, this does not mean that he is shy or hiding something - he is likely to listen to you very carefully and understand.
Some people only say what they feel is right - not what they feel. Others cannot say how they feel the moment they feel. Some people cannot convey any emotion at all. Others are not even sure they feel anything at all. The inability to express momentary feelings sometimes leads to dire consequences.
to comprehend the feeling that you are trying to express - and thus become more sensitive in this area;
believe that the other person knows what you want to express.
As you learn to express exactly what you are feeling, you spontaneously develop other ways of expressing feelings in yourself - voice, posture, facial expressions and gestures.
In the first stage of the educational process, I often teach that is not a conversation of feelings. Many people think they are expressing their feelings when in fact they are not at all. They may also have a misconception about what expression is. The following cases are not a conversation of feelings: *
You need to focus on what you are thinking and speak it out.
In many cases, it is extremely important to express what you are thinking, but do not confuse this with the spontaneous expression of what you are feeling. Thought can often run counter to feeling. If you say the phrase “I think that ...” then there are no feelings. Your conversation is mostly about facts. Mentioning facts doesn't say anything about yourself - not how you feel or what you think. Even if the facts concern yourself, you are talking about yourself as an object, not a person.
You express what you just think you feel; or what others expect you to feel.
Your personality is depressed. You have become a reflection of the world around you - or how you imagine this world.
You Believe that you are expressing your true feelings when you explode with anger and resentment.
Such extreme expressions of feelings most often occur precisely from the inability to fully express feelings. However, some people incorrectly believe that expressing feelings should be so extreme. And since no one really wants to see themselves in anger, this false concept scares the person away from open expression of feelings and emotional communication. You replace feelings with logical reasoning. Since you do not know how to express your feelings, you begin to make excuses: “I will offend him ...” “He will not like it if I say what I feel” ... or “It doesn't matter”. Understand: these are not feelings. These are self-justifications. True conversation of feelings is long and appropriate communication against the backdrop of your ever-changing emotional state. True expression of feelings has certain characteristics.
1. Specificity, that is, the focus on a specific person or a specific subject: “I like your tie ... I would like to go to this film in“ Rivoli ”... I despise this congressman (last name) and everything he says ... I do so loved the way you talked to Mrs Jones! ”
2. Deliberate use of a pronoun"I am" when expressing an action or feeling:“I like it ... I am so ashamed that I broke down, but I didn’t want to ... To me Feelings Conversation is able to express any emotions: hatred, dislike, love, sympathy” approval, criticism, complaint, respect. You need to practice expressing your feelings until it comes naturally to you in an open and appropriate expression. Some people find this to be a general guideline. For these patients, I have developed a special exercise.
LABORATORY EXERCISE ON THE EXPRESSION OF SENSES
Target: improve the expression of feelings with special phrases.
First step. Use the following three pairs of phrases as often as possible:
“I like what you said” “I don’t like what you said” “I like what you did” “I don’t like what you did” “I want you to ...” “I don’t want you to ... "
The verb adds color to the feeling, and you intensify the communication with the other person. By using the pronouns "I", "me" you involve yourself in communication. The statement “I love the way you typed this letter” is much more personal than the phrase “How well you typed the letter”.
3. Simplicity. Too many people sin by adding adjectives, lengthy explanations, so the listener does not understand how his interlocutor feels (sometimes the speaker himself does not understand) -For example, the phrase “I liked how you spoke at the conference” is both simple and clear, and accurate. However, many would say something like, “When you spoke at the conference, people listened to you attentively. Many even agreed with your conclusions * s. But Joe Blow had such a curved expression. * Anyway, I think your speech went well. " After such a statement, neither the speaker nor the listener understands whether they really liked the speech. People who use a lot of definitions not only fail to convey the meaning of what was said to the listener, but also cause irritation.
4. Honesty. When you dishonestly express your emotions, you force yourself to wear a mask - like TS Eliot, the hero of Alfred Prufrock, who said: "You have to make a face to meet these faces."
5.Relevance and appropriateness to the setting. Many people confuse expressing emotions with losing control of their mother-in-law. Therefore, they decide only on the most extreme expression of feelings. For AT, it is important not only what feeling you have to express, but how you express it. There is a simple criterion: if you see a person expressing a feeling exactly the way you would like to express it - will it seem strange to you? I-zhaeal them" how everything could be if each of them knew how to say “no”.
Etv distracts you from that, “then she want to do
You are so burdened with doing what you do not want to do that you have neither the strength nor the desire to do what you want.
Constantly allowing yourself to be exploited, you hoof resentment towards people. Sometimes, after many unwelcome “yes,” you lose patience and explode. If you have served as a family scapegoat for many years and made unprofitable concessions to your friends, you will end up exploding when someone asks you for something insignificant. And this explosion will be explained not specifically by a request, but by hundreds of previous ones. People who do not know how to refuse ”do not understand that their behavior does not give rise to love for them, but to petition.
For thirty years my wife Jean answered all the requests (even the indelicate ones) of her school friend: “Yes, I will do it”. But one day Jean the only time asked Katya for something. And Katie said, "I'm sorry, but I'm busy right now." Jean suddenly flared up and began listing “what she had done over the years for Katie. Katie looked at her with pleasure: “Finally you have changed! What a relief it is to see you like that "and not an eternally sacrificing martyr."
it interrupts the abundance between you and other people. Saying “yes” ”when you feel like saying“ no ”is not at all reverse and not real friendship: it is dishonesty. I was treating a patient who believed that the wife should always give in to her husband.
She also complained that every Sunday her husband Aleksey asked: "Would you like to go to the cinema?" She didn’t want to, but she couldn’t say no, and they went to the movies. I suggested that she try to refuse. One Sunday she said, “No. I don't like going to the movies. ” To her great surprise, her husband breathed a sigh of relief. “Why didn't you say it earlier? I hate these Sunday movie trips. I thought I was giving you pleasure. ”
A group of researchers from the University of Wisconsin led by Richard M. McFell measured the ability to say “no” and tested several methods for effectiveness. You, too, can learn to say no.
LABORATORY EXERCISES “HOW TO LEARN TO SAY“ NO ”
Target: make it easier for you to give up when you want to, and help develop your own style of giving up.
First step. Consider each situation below and think about your answer to it. Better - write the answers so as not to deceive yourself. In every situation, imagine that you feel like giving up, but the only problem is, can you say no?
1. A colleague asks you to borrow money for coffee. However, he always asks for it - and never returns the money. “I have no change. Can you borrow twenty cents? " How to refuse him?
2. A friend asked you to go with him to the store and help him bring a large purchase. You reluctantly agreed. On Saturday morning, when you were just planning to do your long-neglected household chores, he calls and reminds you of your promise. And you just started sorting books on the shelves. How do you refuse?
3. You have worked hard for a local charity; in truth, more than anyone else. Finally, the event, which took a lot of effort on your part, has been prepared. And then the president of the society comes to you with a new request: “Joan, you are such a hard worker with us! Could I count on you in one more business: collecting tickets at the door? " How do you refuse him?
Step second. After you have said no in the above situations, and each time in a different way, read the following instructions and compare your answers, remove them, then try to answer again. And remember: the answers you provide do not have to be exactly the same as the models, but you should leave their principles unchanged: brevity, clarity, firmness and honesty.
1. Answer: "No, I'm sorry, but you already drank too much coffee at my expense."
Or: "No, you never give money." Note: each of these answers is precise and concise so that there is no ambiguity, it is especially important that the answer begins with the word “no”.
2. Answer: “No, today I cannot. Maybe next Saturday? "
Or: “I'm sorry, but not today. However, my promise remains valid. ”
Note: the responses emphasize that the reason for the refusal is the poorly chosen time.
3. Answer: "No, you should go to the one who is less busy with work."
Or not. I've already done more than anyone else. ” Stage three. Think about the unacceptable and indelicate requests that have been made to you - or might have been. Now imagine that all these requests and suggestions were made - and think how you would refuse: firmly, succinctly, without lengthy explanations. Record each answer on a tape recorder. Listen to the answer, stop the tape recorder and repeat loudly. Repeat each answer aloud several times.
Remember several opt-out forms:
No, I cannot do this. I have other plans for this day.
No, I don't feel like it today. I would have preferred this and that.
No, I don't know you well enough to have an intimate relationship.
No, for me it's impossible. Suck on someone else.
Stage four. Look for opportunities for to say “no” in different life situations. When in doubt, say no.
Sometimes I use trickery to teach patients to refuse. Having specified that this is only a test, I tell the patient: “I really need to give this envelope to one patient immediately. I know this is not your way, but could you do it? "
Even though they know this is just a trick, it can be very difficult for many to say no. Some say “of course”.
^ luchli iaapwnaei
When Mark Butler, a 35-year-old screenwriter, responded to this request of mine: “No, I can't - but if it's so important, why don't you call the courier service?” - it was downright an event in his life. Mark is a very talented person, distinguished by originality of thinking, but passivity interfered with his career and marriage.
And now he again found himself in a difficult situation for him: Mark was almost ordered to write ^ a script that would be beneficial for him. Before, Mark would have agreed. And now he didn’t say no directly, but offered an alternative: “I cannot do what you want; but I can offer you my own version of such a scenario - and you will decide ”. As a result
Mark got a lucrative contract. His ability to say no changed his family life as well.
As a result of our studies, he realized what his duties are, and what are the temper in the family. Mark was triumphant, he liked his new behavior, but it upset his wife. And she turned to me too: “I always wanted him to become a more assertive person, but only in those cases when I need it! "
Before each press conference, the CLUA president meets with his press secretary and political advisers. They ask the president questions about everything from the national budget to foreign policy - the very questions that are expected to be asked to the president at a press conference. Thus, the president works out the answers to possible questions. This helps him to "withstand" the onslaught of reporters.
Presidents Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford did this in their time. Unknowingly, they were rehearsing their behavior, and this is one of the most successful AT techniques.
Behavior rehearsal (role play) is a learning process during which patients who have problems in social or interpersonal communication receive an example of effective alternative behavior. It involves procedures such as response training, modeling, and tranquility.
Behavior rehearsal helps to correct the “response deficit”. Due to the fact that the patient does not know how to react assertively, he acts non-assertively. The training takes place in three stages: 1) train the patient to respond assertively; 2) practice it; 3) apply knowledge in a life situation.
Role-play simulates reality without risk inherent in reality. Role play allows the patient to find the form of response that suits him; practice it until he feels comfortable. This form of responding to the situation becomes part of it. According to the results of an experiment conducted by Dr. Philip H. Friedman of Temple University, even eight to ten minutes of role play can make a big change in the patient's psychology, and these changes are fixed.
How exactly does a psychotherapist use behavior rehearsal for AT?
1. It defines the type of behavior that needs to be practiced. A lot of situations are played, for example, talking with the boss about a promotion or inviting a girl. The manner of communicating with a friend, boss, salesperson, the ability to tell jokes.
The patient must devote the therapist "to" all the subtleties of his problem, so that he could play the role of a partner. The therapist then describes the situation in a slightly simplified form, which should resemble an episode from the patient's life. And they both get involved in this situation.
2. After the scene has been played, the therapist instructs the patient, noting the successes and failures of the “performance”, explaining how you can improve your behavior and express yourself more effectively. Instructions might be: “Speak directly, openly” ... “Use the“ language of feelings ”...” “Speak honestly” ... “Straighten up so you don't look so dull and lethargic.” They work out some key phrases together.
Dr. Steeen Fishman and Barry Libetkin of the New York Institute for Behavior Therapy were treating a shy, passive 23-year-old medical student. Her problem was that she was afraid to see the patient. Dr. Aibetkin said: “In the classroom, in the role-playing game, she and I performed all the medical functions, except for examining a real patient. I have played all kinds of patients, from grumpy older women to irritated mature men. I taught her to look the patient directly in the eyes, to control her voice (she spoke in a whisper), to improve her manners. I taught her not to take the pose of the victim (she began her “round” at the rehearsal with inappropriate words: “I’m only in practice”). Gradually, she became more confident and eventually began to apply her skills at work in the hospital. ”
3. After instruction and training, the patient repeats the role play scene, and usually with some improvement. The therapist focuses on the patient's progress and can provide further guidance.
4. To assist the patient in his assertive role, the therapist can model the desired behavior. In this case, the doctor and the patient change roles. Now the psychotherapist plays the role of the patent-ridden problem, and the patient plays the role of another person. The therapist demonstrates the actions just discussed, not only shows what the patient should do, but also draws attention to what he himself did: "Have you noticed in what position I was standing?" or: "I was polite in saying this, but I stood up for my rights - mark it."
Then they switch roles. The patient plays himself again and tries to follow the model outlined by the doctor. The result will be better if the therapist praises the patient's efforts. Remember: The patient should develop his own style, and not just copy the doctor's instructions.
5. The first rehearsal of the behavior may show that the problem posed to the patient is too difficult for him: it causes too much excitement and requires extra efforts from him. Or she can show that the patient in laboratory conditions copes with his task, but he is not able to transfer its implementation to life situations.
In such cases, we take a hierarchical approach, starting with situations or behaviors that are easy to implement, and gradually complicating them. This approach includes contact with people, assignments, and training intensity.
Contact with people. Imagine that the main task is to learn how to refuse people, and that the hardest thing for a passer to do this is in the relationship of his mother-in-law. First, it is worth doing a rehearsal of "refusal" in relation to your friend, who will be 6<жгся” Затем -- “супювквхвг кахлетя, что немного труднее* Так “шаг за шагом” мы дх^стигаем разрешения хцюблемы с тепея. Не, конечно, к каждому пац^енху необходюс индивидуальный хк>dhod. * What is labor for one may be easy for drutto,
Zalsvshya. Some presets are easier to do than other. This is the second Pacieshu myYoetvmyaasgsya scales on delivery to scold his mother-in-law for giving the children too many sweets. But it seems harder reproach it is that she quarrels with her own daughter. And he would not even dare to stop her post-feline attacks on himself. In this case we each case is considered and the sequence.
Intensity. We also take a hierarchical approach to learning how to express our feelings. For a patient who has difficulty expressing anger, we help move from a lingering “I don’t like it” to a stage where he can express full-fledged spontaneous anger.
6.The patient looks at the type of behavior that he considers necessary in a given sitzzazzi, works it out in the classroom in order to use it more successfully in life.
Dr. Martin Jittelman, director of the Children's Mental Health Services in Queens-Nassau, used behavioral rehearsal techniques to treat Ralph, thirteen, with fits of frenzied temperament, who (had been turned on from one school and was now on the verge of exclusion from another. Dr. Ralph in different situations, forcing him While the main task is to change behavior and solve the problem associated with it, you may have difficulty in how to evaluate your "rehearsal" of behavior. Therefore, I offer you the assessment criteria and rating scale (developed on the basis of experiments by Dr. Philip H. Friedman of Temple University, Dr. Michel Kherson, Dr. Richard M. Eisler, Dr. Peter M. Miller - from the University of Mississippi).
First stage. In your AT exercise book, select two pages, with the heading “Behavior Practice Problem” at the top of each page. These will be the problems that you have chosen for the role-playing games: for example, asking for a promotion; refusal from weekly visit to mother-in-law on Fridays, etc.
Second stage. Draw 4 columns on each page, labeled as appropriate: CONTENTS; role-playing game number 1; role-playing game number 2; role-playing game number 3.
We humans are double, triple-bottomed creatures. We think that we feel one thing, but in fact inside us - something completely different. We do not always understand ourselves. But still, how can we express our feelings so that their meaning reaches a loved one as accurately as possible?
In this article, I will not talk about how to confess my love to a loved one, but about how to correctly express your emotions, feelings, such as joy, bewilderment, understanding, misunderstanding, anger, and the like.
Being able to talk about your feelings is the most important part of a happy and strong relationship. If people in a couple do not speak sincerely about their feelings, it is unlikely that it will be possible to maintain a good relationship for a long time. Also, this skill is the basis for real friendship, real trust.
Everything is very simple here, but you have to practice a little if you have problems with it (for now).
The most important thing - learn the so-called "I-statements".
Let's compare a few phrases with each other:
- "You look pale today!" or “I'm worried about how you are feeling. Is everything all right? "
- "Wow! Say that! " or "I am perplexed about the expressed thought!"
- "How not ashamed to talk like that!" or "When you answer like that, I get very upset!"
In the first version of the phrase, there is an assessment of a person's actions, and in the second part, it is the expression of one's emotions about a person's actions.
Adults are so arranged that they don't like terribly when they are given an assessment, especially a negative one. This reaction comes from childhood, when our parents poked us about and without reason. Therefore, in the depths of his soul, the assessment of the assessed evokes a protest. The situation is completely different when actions are not evaluated, but they report what feelings these actions cause:
- I get upset and worried when you don't call for a long time and worry if everything is all right
- I feel happy when you give me flowers
In this case, his attention is focused on your feelings, and not on the assessment that you give - and in this case, you will be heard and understood.
Second point- the tone in which you speak about your feelings. It should be simple and sincere.
As you practice and apply these two rules in your relationships, you will be amazed at the results they give!
Your relationship will become much more trusting and your loved one will finally understand you!
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