Is jealousy necessary in a relationship? Do you love a man or his jealousy? Beware, morbid jealousy

25.06.2019

We talked in detail about the feeling of jealousy, its types, signs and causes. In this article we will try to tell you as fully as possible about when and why you need to deal with jealousy. In this article, you will also learn exactly how to deal with your feelings of jealousy, as well as the manifestation of jealousy towards you.

Jealousy is good or bad

People say: "jealous means love." Hence, jealousy is actually a component of love. But there is another manifestation of jealousy - "a crime motivated by jealousy", which allows us to say that a jealous person is capable of anything just to keep his soul mate. "Is jealousy good or bad?" - the question is quite controversial, like the very concept of this insidious feeling.

Jealousy is good

Some believe that jealousy is essential to maintain a loving relationship. It is believed that thanks to her, partners again experience the same feelings that were between them in the first moments of their acquaintance. Supporters of this opinion begin to commit acts that provoke jealousy: light flirting with work colleagues, calling an ex, visiting clubs, parties, etc.

Of course, jealousy has its benefits. Many psychologists are of the opinion that through jealousy, true love can be recognized. It plays a big role if in a couple one of the partners practically does not show his feelings in everyday life.

In addition, jealousy is a powerful incentive for self-improvement. After all, if a self-confident person feels some kind of, even fictional, competition, it motivates him to actively manifest his best qualities in relation to his soul mate.

Pros of jealousy:

Helps to recognize true love
Allows you to refresh the senses and stimulates the chosen one to active manifestations of his love
Causes a jealous person to strive for self-improvement.

If jealousy is approached intelligently as a lever to heighten feelings and keep the relationship in good shape, some improvement can be made in the relationship. A little controlled jealousy maintains the spouses' interest in each other and acts as a kind of indicator of attention and love. However, do not forget that everything must be in the middle.

We will tell you how to make your soul mate jealous of you in the next article.

Jealousy is bad

According to psychologists, the feeling of jealousy by the nature of the impact is very similar to fear. A jealous person is under the influence of stress, which causes him to develop headaches, spikes in blood pressure and an increase in body temperature. It is a well-known fact that nerves are the cause of many diseases. Seemingly harmless, manifestations of jealousy can lead to serious health problems, to disorders of the cardiovascular and nervous systems.

And, as a rule, it is not the object of jealousy that is to blame for this, but the one who is jealous. After all, a jealous person, provoking quarrels and scandals, he himself exacerbates relations with his partner. And the tendency to constant control of the object of jealousy, deprivation of his personal space, leads to unequal relations in a couple, the spouses lose respect and trust in each other.

Cons of jealousy:

The one who is jealous constantly experiences the discomfort, lack of calmness and peace of mind due to their suspicions, doubts and fears. He does not rest emotionally, even when he is with a loved one.
The consequence of jealousy is often envy... We envy the one who claims the right to be close to our loved one. To someone who, showing attention to him, arouses sympathy for himself from the object of jealousy. This is one of the most difficult negative feelings, because it always causes stress and destructive thoughts in us, which alienate the jealous person from productive communication, and sometimes even push him to rash actions.
Jealousy always puts us in dependent position... We begin to completely depend on the attitude and opinion of the person towards whom we feel this jealousy. If the object of jealousy said or did something wrong, then it immediately causes the jealous one to resent and feel that he (or her) is not loved, that someone else is interesting. But if such a jealous person is complimented, praised, hugged, then there will be no limit to his joy. Self-esteem of such a person falls, destructive relationships are built
Jealousy destroys trust and mutual understanding between people. In an atmosphere of constant quarrels, control, suspicion and resentment, there is no place for spiritual closeness and mutual respect. Regardless of what caused jealousy, it can provoke a break in a relationship. Therefore, such negative emotions must be dealt with. Psychologists believe that the problem of jealousy should be approached comprehensively, and both partners need to work on themselves.

Any adequate person who understands the destructive power of his baseless suspicions must begin to fight against jealousy.

Count to ten

Psychologists advise counting to ten in extreme situations. That is, do not immediately express out loud what is boiling in your head.

You should not put your thoughts into words for a few seconds, because during this time:

your brain will analyze the causes, effects and the whole situation several more times, suggest productive ideas and somewhat dilute the severity of the perception of the situation
the first words that you wanted to say will be replaced by others, less loud and more delicate
sometimes silence is more eloquent than any words, while you can always back down: you didn't say anything!

Defeating jealousy is not easy. But there is always a way out, and the advice of psychologists will help you cope with this annoying feeling:

First of all, admit to yourself that you are jealous. Don't hide your feelings inside yourself, no matter how negative those feelings may be. Awareness and acceptance is always the first step towards getting rid of negative states and feelings, which, without a doubt, jealousy is.
Analyze the emotions you feel when you are jealous. This can be fear, anger, irritation, envy, resentment, etc. For clarity, it is better to reflect them on paper. Having understood the full range of sensations and feelings, with the next outbreak of jealousy, it will be easier for you to control it.
Understand the real reason for your jealousy. Are you afraid of losing your loved one? Do you feel that you are not attractive enough and not worthy of him? Or do you want to be in the spotlight all the time?
Become more confident in yourself and raise your self-esteem. People around you see your attitude towards yourself. If you do not value and respect yourself enough, then it will be a signal for them to treat you in the same way. It is important to love yourself and always remember your strengths. If for this you need to change something in your personality or environment, then you have to do it. A new hairstyle, style of clothing, hobbies, change of occupation, abandonment of bad habits will help to achieve the desired result
Be more positive with loved ones, especially those you are jealous of. The fundamentally wrong behavior in relations with them is to control them, demand submission, be rude, take offense and be angry with them. This will only further widen the gap between you. And, on the contrary, any positive emotions always bring you closer and cause sympathy for you. All people are drawn to energetic, positive and attractive people. Bring in more positive emotions to drive negativity out of your life.
Get busy, do not sit idly by. Doing any work, solving household issues or engaging in your favorite hobby frees your head from jealous thoughts and helps you cope with negative experiences. Occupational therapy and creativity at all times have been good helpers in getting rid of bad thoughts
Talk to your loved one about your feelings frankly. Confess what bothers you. Try together to find the causes of this situation. Be sure to listen to your partner. Do not arrange interrogations, hysterics, do not blame. Try to convey your feelings without affecting the personality of your loved one.
It is important to learn to trust a loved one. Discard past experiences and personal biases if they get in the way. Live in the present. Don't look for a reason to be jealous if there is no clear evidence that you are being deceived. A loved one, no doubt, will feel your trust and appreciate it. Give the object of jealousy some freedom. Allow him (her) to plan his / her own time, engage in hobbies, and meet friends. You will feel that anxiety and fear of loss are diminishing, and the attitude of the loved one towards you changes for the better.
If you are overcome with a desire to be aware of everything that happens to the object of your jealousy, try to at least reformulate the phrases so as not to put pressure on him and not drive him under tight control. Let him see only a sincere interest on your part in his life and business. Do not use the hackneyed expressions: "Where have you been?", "With whom did you communicate?" etc. It will be much more pleasant for a loved one to hear: "How was your day?", "Are you upset about something?" or "I see that something made you very happy"
Be attentive to the interests of your significant other. Even if you don’t share his or her hobbies at all, don’t displease him when he or she talks about them. On the contrary, try to learn more about the interests of a loved one in order to be able to maintain a conversation with him on a topic of interest to him, ask questions, and be a pleasant interlocutor in his eyes. See, your loved one will appreciate it.
Spend more time doing business and leisure activities. Treat your loved one with a weekend getaway, go to the movies, or have a candlelit dinner at home. Maybe it's time to go to the gym or take some classes together. This will present you in a new light. The main thing is for both of you to have more common interests and goals in life.
Often think that if your loved one is next to you, it means that he needs it, something attracts him to you. Try to understand what exactly attracts him to you. Try to often show those aspects of your character that your partner clearly likes.
If you feel that there are too many negative emotions from jealousy and you are about to explode, find a way to safely throw them out. Run a cross-country or punch a punching bag in the gym. It's good if you have a loved one with whom you can talk about your experiences and get valuable advice.
If you understand that you are unable to cope with your emotions and jealousy has acquired a painful character, then do not hesitate to contact a psychotherapist. You can get qualified help from him.

How to deal with jealousy of you

The worst recommendation is to leave a loved one alone with his fears, to refuse to communicate. Do you think that in loneliness a jealous person (jealous person) realizes the inadmissibility of his behavior? No matter how it is! Your demonstrative departure will only increase his suspicions. A jealous person is already punishing himself, experiencing an uncontrollable negative reaction - why add fuel to the fire? Moreover, there are more effective ways to calm marital jealousy:

Raising self-esteem jealous person. All even outwardly emotionally stable people have their own complexes. It is because of them that they begin to fear that a loved one will start looking for a new life partner - more beautiful, smarter, more reliable, wealthier .. Therefore, it is necessary to convince a jealous person that he is the best in the world. In this case, you should not be afraid to over praise your spouse, because there is not much affection for a person whom you truly love and appreciate
Call on confidential conversation... A heart-to-heart conversation hasn't hurt anyone yet. But you do not need to present your loved one with a long list of his negative qualities. This will further confirm him (her) in the idea that he (she) is treacherously cheated and looking for an ideal partner. You need to calmly ask your spouse what is the reason for mistrust and why jealousy affects his (her) behavior so much. In such a conversation, reasons may become clear that you previously did not suspect.
Spend with your loved one more time... Try to organize regular leisure activities together. If you overdo it a little in imposing your society on your spouse, a week later the failed jealous person will ask for mercy himself
Restrained reaction to provocation... Of course, you can shout in response to an outbreak of jealousy in a loved one. However, retaliatory aggression will only worsen the situation, escalating it to the limit. A wise person needs to restrain himself even with offensive accusations from a partner. However, do not pretend to be indifferent, because this will only show the jealous person your indifference to him.
Play the mirror... You can imitate reciprocal jealousy with the same force. This can have the desired effect. Now the jealous person will spend energy on excuses, not suspicions. He will also be able to look at himself from the outside and understand how unsightly jealousy can look.
Be in touch... Sometimes it's enough just to be in touch and coordinate your plans with your significant other. Is it difficult to call and say that you are late at work or have met old acquaintances? The most correct way to calm down a jealous person is to constantly call him when you are not at home. This behavior will show your spouse that you love him.
Provide surveillance capability... Of course, some skeptics will immediately start protesting indignantly. However, this method works in most cases. If your significant other likes to chase you all the time, then let them enjoy this process as much as they want. After a certain period of time, the jealous person will make sure that his significant other is really attending a tanning bed, gym or macrome courses, and will stop his vain race for evidence of infidelity.
Treatment by a narcologist... Sad as it sounds, often a jealous person begins to show uncontrollable jealousy precisely under the influence of alcohol. If this has become a habit for him, it will be extremely difficult for him to resolve the situation that has arisen, so it is worth visiting a specialist in this field.
Rate yourself through the eyes of a jealous person... Try to look at yourself from the outside and think - what if your spouse really has a reason for jealousy? Are you dressing too provocatively? Are you being too friendly with your colleagues? Maybe it is you by your behavior that provoke the manifestation of jealousy in a loved one.
Psychotherapist help... As a last resort, when the partner does not hear anyone's arguments, you can seek the advice of a specialist. A competent psychotherapist is able to bring any patient to a frank conversation, identify the reasons for uncontrollable jealousy and indicate ways to solve the problem.

Video: Jealousy, Consequences and Solutions

In your desire to get rid of jealousy, you can resort to help

There is undoubtedly some truth in this. Excessive jealousy is an unpleasant thing both for the jealous person and for the one who is jealous. However, in this article we will look at jealousy in terms of the power that builds and strengthens relationships.

Everyone in one way or another dreamed never to be jealous of the object of his love. A stereotype has formed in society that being jealous is showing your dependence on the one you are in love with. And everyone in one way or another wanted to be jealous of him, but not to be jealous himself. This is not entirely correct position. Jealousy is like the wind that can ignite the nascent flame of a relationship. She is also like a hurricane that extinguishes quite a big fire of feelings in the hearth of a relationship. Jealousy is one of the levers that, when handled correctly, can increase your partner's feelings towards yourself. And also reinforce your own feelings towards your partner.

Jealousy holds such a feeling as being in love. Jealousy is an indicator of interest in the person with whom we are in love. No jealousy - no interest, no love. The same goes for the person who is interested in us. Leave him the opportunity to be jealous of you so that his interest in you does not disappear.

Each person is interested in what is interesting to the majority. We are so arranged that we ignore what no one needs. Why should we be interested in things that are not interesting to others? If they are not interested, then there is nothing valuable in it for us either. This is why we have an incomprehensible feeling

We are jealous
It's not very pleasant to experience this feeling yourself, is it? However, there is good news - you are in love, or on the way to it. And this is great! This means that you have a chance to experience unearthly pleasure from love ... provided that you do not stifle this feeling with jealousy or turn pleasure into masochistic torment.

You don't need to teach anyone how to enjoy love. Everyone knows how to enjoy and a lot of intelligence is not required here. Let's figure out how not to go to two extremes that will deprive this pleasure.

Extremity One: Consuming Jealousy

A little jealous of your passion is always good - it enhances the sweetness of the moment of each next meeting, makes it desirable and attractive. It is worse when all our thoughts are focused on the fact that the partner is now paying attention to someone else, when not next to us. Such thoughts spoil any relationship, and conversations, which will inevitably occur under the influence of such thoughts, make our partner make excuses and feel guilty for what he did not do.

You can get rid of this by switching thoughts to other things. For example: work, communication with other people (including flirting), watching movies or playing computer games.

Also, it's not a bad trick to change the tone of your thoughts. If a partner went to a meeting with friends without you and you are tormented by thoughts whether he is flirting at this meeting with someone of the opposite sex, then it is enough to think that something terrible can happen to him for the jealousy to go away. Indeed, in our life there are enough dangers, such as: criminals, getting run over by a car, low-quality alcohol and much more. And getting into trouble is much easier than having an affair with someone. Having tuned yourself in to such thoughts, your call at half past eleven in the night will not be painted with the colors of jealousy, but only with anxiety about whether everything is all right with him. And having received an affirmative answer, you will only be glad for your partner that everything is fine with him and he enjoys the meeting.

At first, changing the direction of your thoughts can seem like a titanic and almost impossible task. But each time it will be easier and you will be able to control HOW it is more profitable for you to think in this or that situation.

Extremity two: indifference

Some people consider the pangs of jealousy to be a mandatory manifestation of love, and subconsciously try to kill in themselves not jealousy, but love. Some people do it, some do not. Those who achieve this task begin to feel complete indifference to their partner. The same ending awaits those who overdo it in the actions described above.

Some are happy with their own indifference. Since it allows you to receive attention from your partner without spending much effort, without worrying and staying in a sober mind. However, in fact, there is nothing good in this - since it deprives them of the joy of receiving pleasure from the Love that was in their hearts up to this moment.

The subtlety lies in not getting rid of jealousy at all, leaving a small smoldering ember in your soul. It is he who will warm up your love for your partner.

If the coal goes out by itself, and your partner does not create the conditions for jealousy to be born in your heart, you can direct your thoughts yourself to make this coal inflame. For example: if you are absolutely calm about your partner and you are sure that no one else needs him, then it is useful to "wind up" yourself a little that your mutual friend looked at him at one of the past parties. Or, if your crush is delayed at work, direct your thoughts to what may be at the moment she has a date.

Looks like a perversion, but it allows you to "warm up" the subdued feelings.

Using the techniques in the above situations, you can accelerate and slow down your jealousy when it is convenient for you. It turns out a kind of "swing of your senses". It is important to remember that feelings are not immediately accelerated or slowed down. This takes some time. Therefore, you should be careful and restrained in what you are doing. Otherwise, you can not calculate and the "swing of feelings" from your efforts will simply come off. Or you just don't have enough exposure to "push" them to the desired height.

We are jealous
We often ask our partner "Are you jealous?" or slightly subtler “Are you afraid of being tickled?”, believing that if a person is afraid of being tickled, then he is jealous. We do this in order to get a whole gamut of sensations: pleasure, that we will be jealous, that in someone we are able to ignite jealousy. And from some displeasure that we can expect a relationship in which we will have to make excuses to the jealous person in order to calm him down.

The first extreme: Make the partner indifferent to our person

Meanwhile, it depends only on us and our actions whether our partner will be a blind jealous person or will be indifferent to us. Already at the initial stages of relations, we lay, if you can call it that, the foundation in the feelings of our partner in relation to us. If a person is very sympathetic to us, we try in every possible way to show him that we have no relationship with the opposite sex. Sometimes it is so strong that we literally talk about the fact that in our life there is no one at all except this person. This is not very correct behavior, as it deprives our personality of mystery and attractiveness. As mentioned above - if in our life there is not a single representative of the opposite sex, does this mean that we are simply not interesting to them? And as a result, it can be predicted with very high accuracy that we will not be able to interest this person either strongly enough for him to show attention worthy of us.

If, at the same time, you yourself show enough attention to the person, then this will show him even more that you are not a very interesting candidate in order to start an affair with you.

In a relationship that has already started, making a person a little jealous is no less important than at the stages of acquaintance. This will keep him in good shape. This will make you a desirable person for him. And you don't need to invent or compose something. This technique is rather primitive and ineffective. The main weapon for jealousy: your partner's fantasy!

It is enough SOMETIMES to stay at work for an hour, explaining this by workload. Or from time to time to meet with friends, and after meeting them - talk about the meeting in little detail. Or when talking about a corporate party, casually mention that an employee from the next department dances badly and you did not get any pleasure from the dance. Everything else will be completed by the fantasy of your passion :)

Extremity two: make a terrible jealous out of a partner

It is very important not to overdo it when taking actions that will not allow the partner to cool off to your personality. Otherwise, you can get not a person in love with you, but a person devoid of reason from jealousy.

When making your partner jealous, you should NEVER forget that you need to give him attention, care and your feelings. If this is not done, receiving less attention from you, his imagination will draw the most terrible pictures, even if you return to and from work together, and spend all weekends with each other. Not receiving your attention, he will find a reason for jealousy in any outside glance at you. This issue was partly addressed in the article "Low Self-Esteem? Or High Sense of Ownership?"

Therefore, if your partner is overly jealous, you should FOR TIME become a predictable person, talk about the time that you spend separately in sufficient detail to deprive his mind of fantasies and certainly give him your attention and love.

Conclusion
It should be remembered that our own feelings and those of others are quite inert. They need time to swing and to brake. Therefore, acting on your partner in order to extinguish jealousy, you should stock up on endurance. And while warming up his jealousy - not to overdo it and not play too much yourself, absolutely extinguishing your own feelings for him.

Playing with jealousy is fun enough. As fun as it is dangerous. After all, your relationship is at stake in this game. And it depends on your actions - whether they improve or collapse into oblivion.

, with the level of their own maturity and with confidence in people and the world... However, even if these reasons are generally clear to you, one question always remains: how to distinguish a really serious reason for jealousy from something that stems from your exclusively internal difficulties? How to understand the function of jealousy in a pair of love and jealousy, which sometimes seems inseparable?

The final part of this cycle is about whether there are serious and truly justified reasons for jealousy, what to do with jealousy arising in a relationship, in practice and whether love and jealousy- inevitable companions of each other?

Navigation through the article "Love and Jealousy: What to Do with Jealousy in a Relationship?":

If jealousy has arisen in your relationship, then this (in addition to the personal difficulties of everyone) speaks of violated boundaries and unmet needs.

From this point of view love and jealousy- things that sometimes coexist. But just like love and resentment, love and fear for a loved one, love and irritation or indignation.

We are all people, and we are different, with different inner rules and different aspirations, not always the same goals and needs. Therefore, you are never insured in a relationship that the partner will be easier to relate to something than you, or vice versa. Something will matter more to you than to your partner, or vice versa. And this is, in principle, normal.

Example. Your boyfriend sees no problem in keeping in touch with female friends. And suddenly you start to see. And to understand what to do with jealousy You should start by asking yourself a simple question: Does this really threaten your union? If so, how exactly?

Many of my clients have already found a different angle of view on their situation with just this question. After all, if there are no signs that this relationship is any other than friendship, what is the real problem?

Most often it is that you have a certain belief inside you, a rule that sounds something like this: “ there is no friendship between a man and a woman».

But does this belief reflect reality? Perhaps there were no such examples of successful friendship in your circle. But maybe everyone in your circle was just like you, depressed and intimidated by this rule and just did not even try to make friends with the opposite sex themselves and allow a partner to do so? And at the same time they believed that since love and jealousy are companions, it turns out that it is necessary and inevitable to be jealous of someone?

We do not learn from other people's mistakes and other people's experience, our own experience is in any case the best support and, most importantly, accurate knowledge about your own life. But reality still changes over time, and it can always happen that even what (possibly!) Was relevant before is not relevant now or specifically in your life. Remember: we used to think the earth was flat. It makes sense to revisit the rules and beliefs from time to time.

So, if you cannot clearly name those specific factors that would threaten your union, it might be worth at least to wait with conclusions, " beating the alarm ”and other sudden movements?

But suppose you cannot find the factors, however, you feel that this communication deprives you of something. And here is the time to think about what your unmet need is "expressed" in the format of jealousy. Ask yourself questions:

Am I missing something from a partner? Time, care, attention? What exactly, in what form? What is important that his contacts with girl friends "take away" from me? In a couple, love and jealousy love is your interaction with your partner, and jealousy is a signal that something is deficient in this interaction.

As a result of these reflections, instead of claims and grievances, a constructive request may well be born: “I am not against your communication, but sometimes I feel strong discomfort, because we do not talk much with you. And sometimes it seems to me that you are more interesting with those girls. But I think that if we would devote more time to heart-to-heart conversations, I would be calmer about your communication with friends. "

So, in order to start answering the question "what to do with jealousy?" it is worth deciding on these two important nuances: the presence of real factors that would threaten your union and those inner beliefs that make you anxious.

We all have different ideas about relationships. This is facilitated by both personal characteristics and the environment in which we grew up. And not everything in your picture that is acceptable in a relationship should be changed. That is, there are boundaries that are fraught with serious deformation of your personality.

Example. Your partner (not the essence of what gender) believes that cheating in the category of “just sex” is quite acceptable in marriage, and invites you to invite, say, a third partner to bed. And for you, this is already a serious violation of borders and no attempts to "reconsider the conviction" help here.

If this is the case, and you are confronted within yourself with something that you are not ready to revise in any way - most likely, it is about your natural boundaries. Just note - about yours, not about "generally accepted norms." And therefore, you can build a conversation with your partner only on the basis of yourself, and not from “this is not normal” or “dishonorable”, “unacceptable in families”, etc.

There are couples for whom such a relationship is acceptable either in life in general, or at a certain stage / period. And you have no right to declare your partner abnormal, perhaps now, at this stage, this is his natural boundary. She's just not like yours. In this case, in a pair of feelings, love and jealousy, jealousy tells you that something is being done against love, at least as you imagine it.

What to do with jealousy if your serious boundary is violated? First of all, it makes sense to firmly state this to your partner. Firmly means speaking about yourself, not “in general,” and clearly indicating that you cannot live with this.

Most people, finding themselves in such situations, are just afraid to declare that they cannot accept it, because for them such a statement often means a break. But who guarantees it to you? If you yourself see the situation this way, then most likely you really need your relationship more than your partner, and you have long understood this inside yourself, only you are afraid to admit it to yourself, continuing to play along with your partner out of fear of parting.

In such cases, love and jealousy really become constant companions, but is it just love, if you are sure that the partner will simply set conditions for you, and if he refuses to fulfill them, he will threaten to break up?

But if your partner really values you, then he will be concerned that your ideas about pairing relationships at this point do not coincide. And then you can calmly discuss options for a compromise. And then, out of a pair of love and jealousy, you will begin to rely more on love.

Perhaps together you can understand what exactly your partner is lacking in sex, in his emotional life, and find a way to satisfy these needs without violating your boundaries. In the end, it is important that the needs of both are met, but there are many ways to do this, and it all depends on your desire to negotiate.

And it so happens that jealousy is a serious signal that you are, in principle, not suitable for each other for a long life together.

And if there are a lot of these signals, then it is worth thinking about those the main reasons why families break up, and soberly scan your union for its viability.

The sooner you realize that there are insoluble contradictions, the sooner you can give yourself and your partner a chance to change something in life and find a more suitable companion.

Here I described only examples and general points in solving problems associated with jealousy, it is worth remembering that each couple is a unique territory, and it is also worthwhile to approach the solution of your problems individually, with which you can always consult a psychologist.

And in conclusion, I will say that love and jealousy are not obligatory companions of each other. You can love and live with a partner without jealousy. Only for this, a couple should have trust, openness, utmost honesty and clarity of their own needs, the ability to convey them to a partner. And then there will be no point in being jealous: you will firmly know that your partner will tell you about all his grievances, just like you will tell him. And no one will need to suspect or do something behind the other's back.

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Jealousy in a relationship, the psychology of this issue is a mystery that haunts. People say: “Jealous means love,” but is this statement so true? Or is excessive suspicion killing feelings, destroying families, crippling destinies? Is jealousy a good sign or a bad sign? In our article, we will consider the causes of such feelings, the impact on relationships, ways to reduce the effects of jealousy.

Causes of jealousy, impact on relationships

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It is believed that jealousy in a relationship arises from the fear of losing a loved one. Yes, partly the reasons for jealousy are from the fear of losing love, and partly internal factors play a role - an inferiority complex, insecurity. Personalities are harmonious, with high self-esteem, less prone to suspicion, calmer in their personal life.

Jealousy refers to negative feelings, it is not correct to consider her a companion of love, in love there should be trust and confidence in another person, otherwise, why do we need feelings that bring only pain and disappointment? Jealousy is considered a mental disorder, it is more likely to be a mental illness than a norm, a mentally balanced person does not experience such acute feelings, bouts of aggression.

Jealousy in relationships, psychology of origin - the origins of jealousy arise from childhood, when a child does not receive the required amount of love from loved ones - parents, mother. Often such feelings are experienced by children with the appearance of a second child in the family. Older children may feel fear of losing their mother's love, anger directed at rivals - a brother or sister.

The development of events depends on the parents, whether they can teach the child to show love in a positive way, deserve praise, or continue to manipulate crying, screaming, negative actions. In the future, this model of behavior is reflected in personal life, interaction with the opposite sex.

Jealousy in adulthood manifests itself in the form of fear of losing the object of love, men have possessive traits, women have defenselessness. In a normal situation, love gives confidence and security, its absence is an alarming indicator that leads to the appearance of inner fear.

Anger occurs when it is impossible to keep a loved one or there is a suspicion of lack of loyalty. As a result, there is a gamut of negative feelings that destroy the calmness of the person himself and the loved one. Constant suspicion leads to the destruction of love, the foundation of feelings - trust.

Jealousy in relationships, the psychology of the issue depends on the age and mental maturity of a person, in adolescence it manifests itself to a greater extent, because there is not enough confidence, adults, without complexes, are less inclined to manifest such feelings. In small doses, jealousy is more like a spice for a dish, but in large quantities it is unbearable.

An interesting fact - after marriage, such feelings are manifested to a greater extent, perhaps, the sense of ownership increases, but the basis of the phenomenon is character, personality traits, inner dignity, self-esteem. Suspicion is the lot of weak individuals.

The observations of psychologists have established that jealousy destroys relationships, constant nagging, interrogations, checks do not contribute to a comfortable and safe existence together, mentally exhausting, sometimes people are capable of physical injury. Strong jealous people are dangerous people.
I remember the phrase: "He beats - it means he loves", such expressions are a deep delusion. To love, first of all, is to take care, to protect, to strive to make a person happy, and to inflict pain is selfishness and violence, the question of honor and love is not appropriate here. In this case, jealousy kills relationships and feelings, such actions cannot be tolerated.

What does jealousy lead to in a relationship? To negative emotions, violation of the inner boundaries of comfort, destruction of personal happiness of both partners, this is an erroneous method of stimulating love.
Why can jealousy of a former relationship arise? Men and girls are equally inclined to be jealous of former partners, there is an effect of comparing their own personality with former partners, uncertainty in their own superiority, fear of losing a person due to the restoration of the previous connection. How to be? Of course, praise your beloved or beloved, reminding you that you value and appreciate, not remember past girlfriends, friends, minimize communication with ex.

Jealousy of past relationships is the result of negative experiences - personal or friends. The logic is as follows: "A friend lost his beloved as a result of the restoration of a previous connection, which means that a similar story is possible in my life, I should be afraid." Such stories do happen, but it is worth focusing on strengthening feelings, and not on chasing rivals. In the presence of harmony, love, trust, the desire to look for a partner on the side does not arise. For girls - "it's better to look after your own beauty, demeanor than your husband".

Are there any differences between female and male jealousy, features of manifestation?

Male jealousy

Psychology of relationships, jealousy of a man - the most common situation, it seems, men are more inclined to manifest feelings of jealousy. Why? They are accustomed to the role of a leader, to control the situation, life, but in everything there are boundaries of the norm, you should not rejoice in a jealous lover, often increased suspicion is the beginning of the collapse of beautiful feelings.

Jealous people harass the girls with constant interrogations, wiretapping, and reconsideration of messages. This is not love, but a detective novel ...

A man's jealousy at the beginning of a relationship is often associated with insecurity in a partner, insufficient knowledge of the girl, doubts arise about reliability and devotion. Time and correct behavior of the girl will be able to smooth out the corners, reduce the negative feelings of the young man.

Relationships with a mature man, jealousy is present on both sides - a man is jealous of young people if the spouse is much younger, and the girl is of her former family. The way out is to develop trust, minimize reasons for jealousy, be able to honestly discuss feelings, accept each other's past and believe in the future.

The psychology of a man's jealousy determines the main reasons for jealousy:

Uncertainty, low self-esteem, inner feeling that you are not worthy of happiness;
The fear of losing a loved one, a girlfriend, is often unfounded;
Addiction to alcoholic beverages, drugs. People with bad habits are more prone to jealousy, realizing their own inconsistency, having an increased excitability of the nervous system;
An increased sense of ownership, selfishness absorbed with mother's milk, and maybe examples of interaction in a family where the father has the main right to vote, the man is the most important and seeks to command, command, be jealous, and not love and care;
Women's provocations - a girl can deliberately evoke feelings of jealousy in order to kindle the fire of love more strongly, however, this is a dangerous method, jealousy is not love and you should not joke with it, the effect can be sad - disappointment of a partner or constant scandals. You should not abuse such methods, men are quite jealous by nature;
Everyone evaluates a person according to their own standards: perhaps the man himself sins by going to the left, as a result, he suspects the girl or spouse because of lack of confidence in his own strengths or personal sins.

What is a woman to do?

stock up on patience;
constantly talk about love, the merits of a loved one;
try not to arouse suspicion (discreet clothing, minimum communication with other men);
instill significance and desire for a loved one;
in the absence of improvement, organize a trip to a family psychologist, psychotherapist.

If a girl is modest and devoted to her family, then there is a high probability that the reason is in the man: childhood trauma or low self-esteem, only a good specialist can help to understand the situation.

Unfortunately, men often do not realize that suspicion hurts their friends badly, and even a great relationship deteriorates, love fades, patience ends. Girls are also not iron, there comes a period when the last drop falls into the glass of patience, the desire to make excuses disappears, to improve relationships.

Jealousy in a relationship, the psychology of the issue is quite extensive, there are various reasons and similar consequences. Such feelings are a dangerous force and to build love on them, how to use an atomic bomb for peace, can be useful only in small doses. It is better to focus on trust and openness, this is more correct.

Female jealousy

Jealousy in relationships, the psychology of the issue is associated not only with men,
women also tend to be jealous, but try not to show feelings overtly. The advantage of women - they can relieve stress in conversations with friends, men - do not like to talk about suspicions and worries with friends and family.

The psychology of women's jealousy is built on the fear of losing love, fear of loneliness, low self-esteem, or children's complexes.

How to overcome jealousy for a girl:

To work on your own appearance, character - to be attractive in all respects (benevolent, beautiful, well-groomed), you cannot keep your husband from scandals;
Stop looking for non-existent "polar bears", the people say: "If you are not caught, you are not a thief," and if you are caught, find out the reasons for the desire to find a replacement;
Concentrate on the positive aspects of the spouse's character and achievements, and praise and support. They leave if they do not feel love, men rarely go for divorce, in a good situation - almost never;
Understand the cause of fear, why there is a feeling of jealousy, find the origins of feelings in childhood or your own insecurity, work out this issue. If a person has chosen you, it means that you are worthy of love, you have many positive qualities;
The method of projection, imagine how unpleasant it is for a young man to feel constant suspicion, or maybe deep down in his soul they are inclined to think about betrayal? It is better not to ask for trouble, thanks to scandals and tensions, a rival may indeed appear on the horizon;
It is impossible to restrain a man by reproaches; it is better to create a desire and comfortable conditions for living together;
If it is difficult to avoid the pangs of jealousy, calmly discuss the situation with your spouse, look at the reaction, maybe there is no reason to worry and the reason is a violent fantasy.

What actions to take for a man with increased jealousy of a girl:

Try to convince of love and devotion;
give compliments more often, show attention;
explain - she is the best, other girls do not arouse interest;
not create reasons for jealousy;
focus on trust;
play the role of a jealous person as a joke, so that she realizes how unpleasant it is to feel constant control, suspicion.

Everyone understands that jealousy spoils the relationship, but such situations continue to occur, at times, it is difficult to restrain feelings. We all want happiness and stability, and competitors can take away the peace of mind. How to be? Trust your loved one and be the best.

Jealousy in relationships, psychology determines the main methods of struggle, treatment for negative feelings.

Ways to neutralize jealousy, how to heal a relationship?

Jealousy is a disease that develops against the background of love, killing it like cancer cells, penetrating into healthy relationships. How to restore harmony in feelings, return love and keep the family? How to remove jealousy from a relationship?

Build confidence, enhance self-esteem, all people are worthy of happiness, find reasons why? Each person has his own advantages and dignity. Comparison - the road to the complexes, look for your own advantages.
Remember: love does not pass overnight, this strong feeling is strengthened by years of life together, experienced difficulties. Over time, the realization comes: the beloved is the closest and dearest. The capital of love cannot be destroyed if a person does not contribute to this on his own, including through jealousy.
Realize that jealousy is the power that destroys love, not strengthening, do not let it undermine the relationship with your loved one. Better focus on positive things - how to strengthen feelings, how to please your soul mate?
Try to overcome your fear of loss, work through the worst-case scenario without being overly emotional. If betrayal occurs, what will follow? The end of the relationship, depression, looking for a new partner, or will you be able to fit in, live on? Life does not end and the world does not collapse. There are families that have passed this period, living peacefully and happily. Having accepted the worst option, think about how to avoid the consequences, what to change in the relationship, in your own personality?
You should not paint unwanted pictures, excessive imagination is harmful, arouses suspicion, try to trust your partner. If you chose the option to be together, it means that he loves, wants to live together.
Have personal interests, hobbies, constant control over someone else's life kills calmness and feelings, it is better to go to the gym or take a walk to the theater with your friends (for a girl) to unwind and improve your health, cheer up. Each partner should have their own life and interests, this is normal and natural, only self-sufficient individuals are able to create a harmonious union.
Remember the expression: “You cannot be lovely by force,” suspicions and reproaches do not lead to the growth of love, on the contrary, they destroy relationships. Only an atmosphere of love, acceptance of a partner, mutual respect helps to create a strong union, then there is no desire to look for a replacement and a loved one is the best in the world.
Develop trust in relationships, talk about personal feelings, believe in the love of loved ones, be open and honest - this is the way to find mutual understanding. An open calm dialogue can help you better understand each other, feelings, experiences.

So, jealousy in a relationship, how to get rid of? What should a person do if the partner is jealous, is there an antidote, psychologists recommend the following actions:

minimize situations for jealousy;
to assure of love, sincerity of feelings;
warn in case of delay, delay, postponement of the meeting in advance, not to confront the fact;
focus on love, understanding, caring, respect, not playing with fire.

Jealousy in a relationship, psychology is a difficult question, in case of impossibility to cope with negative feelings on your own, it is advised to visit a family psychologist who will help you understand the situation and give recommendations for a specific case. There are also joint consultations for spouses, in the west it is a normal practice to improve the situation in the family with the help of psychologists, in our country they often turn to friends, girlfriends, and the results are not always effective, often the opposite ...

How to heal a relationship after jealousy? Couples who have gone through jealousy are often on the verge of collapse, love is fading away, only a common desire to continue to build relationships, strengthen and develop will help restore peace and love. As long as there is a desire to fight for love, it will live. Only a kind attitude will allow feelings to unfold, gain strength. The main medicine is trust, love, attention in large doses.

Jealousy and mistrust in a relationship is a signal that speaks of a shaky foundation, the impossibility of building a strong family. Relationships should be based on mutual respect, understanding, the desire to accept a person and open his soul, heart, take into his life, give happiness.

To the question: "Do you need jealousy in a relationship?" it is difficult to give an unambiguous answer, it can be present in small doses, the main thing is that it does not turn into manic persecution. Uncertainty at the beginning of a relationship is quite natural, a person does not know a partner one hundred percent, a couple needs to go through a period of recognition, to decide on desires, understanding, prospects for the future.

In a normal situation, suspicion decreases over time, and is replaced by confidence in personal choice, which contributes to the creation of strong relationships, the formation of a future family.

Jealousy in a relationship, the psychology of the issue is extensive, there are various approaches and methods, one should be careful, understanding, identify the hidden reasons for reducing jealousy, normalizing relations. There are no hopeless situations, the main thing is a mutual desire to work on strengthening feelings, a respectful attitude towards loved ones.

We wish you all true love and mutual trust!