Is it worth continuing the relationship when there is no intimate attraction? How do you decide whether to continue the relationship? The man does not want to continue the relationship

30.10.2019

Love, like many other feelings, has an expiration date. Unfortunately, few are lucky enough to experience love to the grave. It seems that everything is calm and good in life, but one morning, when you wake up, you clearly understand that there is a stranger next to you, that the relationship has reached a dead end - you need to leave, but you do not leave and torment both yourself and him. Why?

One of the common pretexts is habit. You are accustomed to this person, you know what to expect from him, how to live with him and conduct a dialogue. But you can't build a relationship on the ashes of past feelings. Don't look back - look to the future.

Women are afraid to go into the unknown, to a new man. There, beyond the border, it is not clear how the relationship will begin to develop, there will be ups and downs, and here it may be lousy, but everything is clear beforehand.

The biggest fear of women is the fear of being alone. This applies to women of any age. Surprisingly, many of the fairer sex cling to a man as a last hope, even if, apart from abuse and mutual claims, nothing else binds them. Such a relationship should certainly end and quickly.

You need to learn to love yourself, part with unnecessary things and people, raise your self-esteem to the proper level.

Desire to be the center of attention. All complexes originate from childhood. The girl, once disliked by her parents, compensates for the previous lack of care with the current hopeless relationship, giving the man unfounded hopes for the continuation of the novel. Such girls need to be loved and adored by absolutely all familiar and unfamiliar men.

Leave and not return

You need to clearly realize and decide for yourself that you do not want the continuation and further development of relations. There is only one way out - to complete the novel completely without any reservations.

If you cannot figure out yourself, internal torment on your own, contact a psychologist, at whose reception you can tell the reasons for your worries. And he, in turn, will help you sort out your feelings.

Keep a personal diary in which you can record all incoming emotions, feelings, thoughts. After rereading the records with a fresh mind, you will probably understand what exactly you want.

When you decide to take this important step, think about your partner as well. Such things cannot be said at once. Prepare for the conversation. Choose neutral territory - a small restaurant or cafe, a crowded place where you cannot give free rein to your senses.

Try to explain to the chosen one as accurately as possible, calmly, without raising your voice, why your relationship is at an impasse and you do not want to continue. Put a point: develop all doubts so that in the future the person does not bother you with calls and messages, feeding groundless hopes.

Of course, after a breakup it is impossible to remain friends, but try not to bring the relationship to a sworn enmity.

In order not to break loose and not try to return everything, take the free time that has appeared with something useful: sports, yoga, cooking or sewing courses, learning foreign languages. Soon, sick emotions will recede, and you will begin to live a measured life.

In a relationship between two lovers, there are different situations. Romance and passion can flow smoothly into habit and life. Perhaps, after meeting each other for some time, you realized that there is a completely wrong person next to you. Gradually the thought comes that it's time to leave. And parting in most cases is difficult. How can you tell your ex-lover that it's all over between you? Follow our instructions.

Instructions

Do not delay this unpleasant moment, talk to your ex-lover. After all, such a relationship will only bring suffering. Often this method of breaking off relations, when one is satisfied with everything, and the other is constantly delaying the moment, is called "long-playing". As a rule, it does not lead to anything good.

During this difficult period, you most of all need the support of friends. Maybe it makes sense to trust several people, because you will relive your situation again and again, talking about it, and it will be difficult for one person to listen to it all. Plus, you have the chance to listen to multiple points of view. It will be easier for you if you see people around you who are not indifferent to your life.

Work on yourself, find yourself new, interesting activities. Start by improving your own body, feel its strength and attractiveness. Physical activities, cycling, fitness and yoga classes - all this will help you find harmony with your soul and with. Understand what you need and separate your desires from the desires of that person relationship with which you need. Start living your own life, take care of yourself, become interesting for yourself and this will help you become interesting for many.

1. How often do you experience negative emotions?

We try to ignore anxiety and doubt so as not to face difficult conclusions: relationships do not make us happy. Instead of blaming yourself, suppressing your feelings, and trying to look at the situation in a more positive way, be honest and responsible about what is happening.

Falling in love, we ignore intuition, which tells us that this is not our person.

The first and most important step is talking with your partner. Observe his reaction: how carefully he will treat your feelings, whether he will offer to change something in the relationship so that you feel comfortable, or will he begin to reproach you. This will be an indicator if your union has a future.

2. Does your partner keep his word?

The foundation of a healthy relationship is the belief that the person next to you can be trusted. If your partner promises to call, spend an evening with you or go somewhere for the weekend and often does not keep his word, this is a reason to think: does he appreciate you? When he fails even in small things, it destroys trust, depriving you of the confidence that your loved one will be with you in difficult times.

3. What does your intuition tell you?

Falling in love, we so passionately desire to continue to experience this intoxicating feeling that we ignore our own intuition, which tells us that this is not our person. Sometimes people suppress these feelings for years and even get married, but in the end the relationship falls apart.

There are no relationships that start out with discomfort and then suddenly blossom.

After parting, we understand that deep down we had a premonition of this from the very beginning. The only way to avoid disappointment is to be honest with yourself. If something worries you, talk to your partner about it. In the vast majority of cases, the inner voice does not deceive.

4. Do you feel embarrassed about your partner?

If a loved one makes you feel uncomfortable: provokes conflicts in front of your friends and relatives, deliberately touches upon topics that are painful for those present, demonstrates poor manners, you will always experience this discomfort. Are you ready to avoid joint meetings and see your close circle only in private?

5. What does the experience of other relationships tell you?

We often hear that relationships need to be worked on. This is partly true - we should try to listen carefully and treat our partner with care. However, this process is only important if it is two-way.

There is no relationship that begins with a feeling of discomfort and anxiety, and then unexpectedly, with the wave of a magic wand, flourishes and brings joy. The willingness to understand each other is the basis of happy alliances, and it manifests itself (or does not manifest itself) immediately. You will most likely agree with this if you remember your previous relationship.

6. Are you ready to openly discuss sharp edges with your partner?

Are you unable to talk freely about your concerns because you are afraid of your partner's negative reaction? Then you doom yourself to a feeling of loneliness, which can drag on for many years. Perhaps your insecurity extends not only to your relationship with your partner, but also to other areas of life and needs work on yourself, which only you can do. But even so, you should be able to openly, without fear of the consequences, talk with your partner about what is important to you.

If your feelings are not met and after the conversation the loved one continues to hurt, this is a reason to think about whether this relationship is necessary.

about the author

Jill Weber- Clinical psychologist, specialist in the field of intersexual relations, author of "Sex without intimacy: why women agree to one-sided relationships" ("Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy: Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships," Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2013).

Hello Anna.
It is not yet clear why the guy wants not to continue ("cannot") the relationship. And how does this relate to cheating, since you write, as they say, in the same row about forgiveness of cheating and the guy's intention not to continue the relationship. Therefore, it is very difficult to understand the meaning of the guy's return, especially considering that you did not describe what kind of relationship you had (had and / or have), how long it lasted, your ages.

But I will try to orient myself according to the information that you provided.

Do you know the reason for the breakdown on his part? If not, then I think it makes sense to get to know her. Without this knowledge, there is no way to do anything, since almost any effort will be blind. Is the breakup somehow related to treason? Or is cheating related to the guy's desire to leave? Or maybe it is connected with your reaction to his betrayal? Only a guy can answer these and other questions.

Generally, I consider treason very often, rather, a "by-product" of relationships. And I'm not talking about the fact that without a relationship, treason, in principle, cannot be called treason). And about the fact that cheating most often occurs as a result of troubles in a relationship that cannot be resolved directly... If enough troubles accumulate, some run into treason, trying to either provoke a partner, or take revenge, or find something that is not in the relationship, or simply relieve tension from the relationship. As you can see, all the named reasons initially come from the relationship. And in your case, it would be nice to try to figure out the reason ... And this, for the most part, is even your boyfriend's task, not yours.
The reason for this way of coping with stress in relationships is often found in unconscious attitudes: for example, "relationships are impossible without cheating," "to change instead of solving problems is a way out," and the like.

And now to your task...
Your task is to somehow deal with the consequences of such supposed stops, to meet with the guy's real behavior, react to him, meet with your feelings and make decisions about how to deal with it (or not to be).
Are you ready to be cheated on in your relationship? This is exactly what will happen if the relationship can be restored, but the question of the reason for the betrayal will not be considered, and the new contract will not be changed. Forgiving is good, but forgiving is not a contract in which something will follow with a new betrayal (for example, parting without the opportunity to return the relationship).
Somehow I miss your feelings in the place of treason. I have an assumption that you managed to suppress the experiences, replacing them with rational explanations of the situation ("reacted calmly due to various circumstances"). It seems to me that treason can be understood and forgiven, but completely emotionless - no. It's one thing when it's a deliberate agreement on an open relationship (although I still don't know of a single couple who would do this deliberately, and not because of trauma in the area of intimacy) or swingers, or something else that you are talking about anyway negotiate with a partner, and the other - when it is done, breaking some vowel or unspoken framework in a relationship (and the word "cheating" is always filled with the connotation of breaking boundaries in a relationship).

THEREFORE
I would suggest that you pay attention to your emotional state, your feelings, your boundaries (do you have them?), To your ideas about relationships and the real course of things. If you suppress your emotions and forgive violations of your personal boundaries, then further your boundaries will be broken regularly and, most likely, more and more each time. And at some point, you may suddenly realize that you no longer have you. Therefore, in paid work, I would focus on finding your personal boundaries and the courage to defend them in a relationship with another, without losing yourself. So the quality of relationships (these or others) will greatly increase, and such questions (about the meaning of returning) may not even arise, or there will already be enough internal resources to answer the question about your personal meaning on your own, weighing all the pros and cons.
If my candidacy responds positively to you, and you would like to work, you can write to the site with a request in my name or directly to my work mail.

It is human nature to follow the path of least resistance or the path most painless. That is why we all want to give one more chance to a relationship, then another and so on. It turns into a constant circle. Relationships often become destructive for us, so it's worth throwing all your strength into ending it all.

Reason one: you are unhappy

In general, this point should be at the end, to sum up all the other reasons, but sometimes we are unhappy for no particular reason. Of course, they are, but we do not understand them. Here we receive a message in the morning "good morning". It does not bother us, it is not pleasant for us to read it. Lack of emotion is also a state, and a rather bad one. You should think about how you see your ideal relationship. The person you are meeting or living with should give you positive. If this does not happen, then everything is bad, then you need to end the relationship. At the very least, you should be comfortable in the relationship. If you are constantly under stress, then there can be no question of happiness.

Reason two: you are at a distance

This kind of relationship is the biggest mistake you can make. You do not know what your loved one is doing, you are jealous, worried. If the departures are intermittent and short-lived, then that's okay, but if you see each other once a month on weekends, then you'd better stop seeing each other. This is absolutely obvious, but not for everyone. Someone consoles themselves with the thought that everything will be fine, but the relationship should lead you somewhere. They cannot stamp on the spot. The same goes for working in another city. People who only see each other on weekends are in big trouble. If you really love each other, then you will be extremely uncomfortable because you will be bored. “This is good,” many will say. Yes, it is, but not in the long run, because over time you will get used to the fact that the person is not always with you. Everyday life will become your personal space. It's like meeting each other for a long time every day, and then starting to see each other once a week. Such changes have a very negative effect on the attitude of lovers.

Reason three: something annoys you in your partner

YOU are not required to be similar in everything, but there should not be anything that really pisses you off in a person. If you cannot change a person with requests, then it is better to leave such a relationship. You can put up with some little things, but if, for example, you hate the mess at home, and your boyfriend or girlfriend constantly throws things around and does not want to change, then this is terribly annoying. This is a banal respect for a partner, which should be shown in everything. Everyone is obliged to appreciate the work of a loved one. If he or she does not, then it is worth questioning the love.

Reason four: jealousy and control

Many psychologists call this the most dangerous disease of relationships. If one of the lovers does not allow to take a step freely, being jealous and asking where his or her other half is going, then this should be stopped. This is real emotional terrorism, fascism. If you are made your thing, then it is worth considering whether to continue dating. In this case, the longer you endure, the more difficult it will be to part. They are trying to manipulate you, and you allow it to be done. When a person does not have personal space, they cease to be a person, so you should not be carried away by the fact that your significant other disguises their attempts to control you as a concern.

In addition to everything, when the manipulator has finished his business, he will not let you go anywhere. You are forced to stay at home with your significant other, although you want to see your friends. These people are intruding, trying to take away all your free time.

Reason five: your self-esteem is underreported

You are not appreciated. This also happens. You did something good and your loved one said it didn't make any sense. All this is done in order to make you understand clearly. that you will not be needed by anyone except your boyfriend or girlfriend. When it goes beyond all boundaries, you really start thinking: "Maybe I really do not shine with my mind?" This is a dead end. A dangerous dead end, from which there is only one way out - parting. This relationship should be ended as soon as possible.

Reason six: you have no future

You feel good next to each other, you have excellent sexual and emotional relationships, but if you think about the future, you understand every time that you have different priorities and life goals. You may want to have children, but a man or woman doesn't want to. This is a good relationship, but they will also need to end sooner or later. Of course, if there is a small chance that the priorities of the other half will change. In this case, you will be very lucky.

Reason Seven: You Feel Constant Feelings of Guilt

This is a terrible feeling that 99 percent of the time is imposed by a partner. This is all done for the same simple reason - the partner is trying to force you to become his or her slave emotionally. You are blamed for everything that is possible in order to throw off the entire burden of responsibility from yourself. Such a relationship should not live for a moment more. YOU will be under constant stress and it will not stop.

Reason eight: you suffer from outbursts

A woman can just swear, and a man in anger can hit a woman. If this happens all the time, then you need to run, and as far and quickly as possible. Uncontrolled anger always turns into violence. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences will be. Do not think that time will save you in this situation, because it only plays against you.

There is no need to be afraid of being alone. Fear of sick relationships that take all your vitality. Many people do not want to be alone so much that they put up with violence and problems. It doesn't have to be that way.

Why do people get into relationships? It's simple - everyone wants to feel happy, needed and loved. For one person, happiness is a successful career and financial independence, while for another, this concept is inextricably linked with a sense of love and family well-being. From this it follows that people's ideas about happiness and love can be completely different. It is quite natural that at a certain stage of falling in love, people enter into an intimate relationship, which can either strengthen the union or destroy it. But what if sexual intimacy is no longer enjoyable? Is it worth continuing a relationship without sex? These questions are very often troubling for both young and experienced couples.

When the passion passes, and the desire to make love visits less and less, almost everyone asks himself one simple question: is it worth continuing the relationship? Source: Flickr (Shannon_Natasha)

For what reasons does passion sometimes fade away in a couple?

There can be many reasons for the extinction of passion. Many couples believe that the sex drive has faded since love has passed. This happens, but not in all cases. A person is characterized by polygamy, that is, attraction to more than one partner. A man or woman may mentally want to enter into an intimate relationship with other people, but this fact cannot be equated with love for an object of desire. So why do so many believe that the lack of sex is due to just a lack of love? Let's look at this question from a psychological point of view.

When one person meets another person of the opposite sex, and she arouses an ardent interest (in all aspects), then it is likely that sooner or later a love relationship will arise between them. The feeling of being in love ignites passion and desire for possession in a person. When one partner is at the mercy of unbridled feelings, the other, on a subconscious level, feels this dependence, and therefore calms down. He can get what he wants at any time: attention, eyes in love, approval, tenderness, sexual intimacy, and so on. Sex is no longer becoming as attractive and important as it was at the beginning of the relationship. In most cases, a weakening of sexual desire does not mean at all that tender feelings have died out. Sexual intimacy simply fades into the background, if two people of the opposite sex are comfortable with each other, there is always something to talk about, they are not bored together, they are drawn to each other, they have common interests and mutual respect.

However, couples cannot always boast of such a relationship. When the passion passes, and the desire to make love visits less and less, almost everyone asks himself one simple question: is it worth continuing the relationship? Only a self-made decision is the only correct option. However, it is worth carefully weighing the pros and cons.

Is it worth continuing a relationship without intimacy

How do you know if it's worth continuing the relationship? There are several psychological tricks that will help to cast aside all doubts in order to make a final decision.

How important is sex to you personally and not to your partner. Passion is not yet an indicator of love, so you should ask yourself a simple question: "What is interesting to me in this person, besides intimacy?"
Make a two-column table, state the real reasons why you should continue the relationship, and why you need to break up. Such a table helps to structure thoughts and a logical approach to solving a complex issue.

Note! Sexual desire is not only a psychological aspect. Sometimes the lack of sexual desire is associated with a disorder in the work of reproductive functions or a violation of hormonal levels. Be considerate of your partner. Perhaps he needs treatment, not a showdown.

Prioritize. Each person has a very individual and specific attitude to sex, so it is impossible to say unequivocally that if the passion has passed, then leave and do not look back. Quite the opposite, it cannot be recommended to be content with little only because of a good attitude towards oneself. Everyone makes this decision independently. Perhaps it is worth taking a chance now so as not to miss the chance to meet a decent person? Or it may happen that after a while you will regret your hasty decision, but it will be too late. Here we need a balanced approach and competent reasoning.

Is it worth continuing the relationship if in doubt? It is definitely worth fighting for happiness if this person means something to you. If not, then the answer is obvious. It is more difficult for married couples to figure it out, because sexual problems can be associated with everyday problems, fatigue, caring for children, and so on. Consider what exactly caused your distance from each other.

Consider the possible reasons for what is happening, sort out your feelings, talk to your partner and only then draw conclusions. Source: Flickr (Terence)

Several ways to restore old relationships

Is it possible to renew the tender passion and ardor of feelings? Psychologists and specialists in the study of diseases in the sexual sphere (sexologists) say: if you want, anything is possible.

How to restore the old relationship?

Spend more time together

Very often, married couples suffer from the fact that they cannot be alone with each other. There are a great many reasons for this state of affairs: children, household chores, employment at work, relatives, and so on. Ask friends to sit with the children for a few hours to be alone.

Know how to rest

Constant employment, stress at work and household chores take a lot of time. Learn to relax! Nothing bad will happen if you don't cook dinner once a week, or if you pay attention to your significant other, and not to children or friends. Never give up vacation for a promotion at work. You will still get a promotion if you are a worthy employee, and time is an invaluable resource. A great way to restore your old relationship is to go on a trip together.

Talk to each other

Conversations should not be limited to everyday topics. If you are not feeling sexually attracted, then hint to your partner that it is time to rekindle the passion in other ways. Talk has never separated people from each other, but silence can destroy even the strongest relationships.

Change your surroundings

Perhaps your sex life has become boring and monotonous, so your partner has cooled off to you. One has only to fantasize a little so that the fire of passion burns again.

Important! You shouldn't tell your partner because of the lack of sex that he no longer loves you. Such words can hurt a loved one and his deep feelings. Try to gently clarify the cause of your lack of sex drive so that you can understand the problem.

Cutting the root of a strong relationship due to a lack of sexual intimacy is not the best option. Consider the possible reasons for what is happening, sort out your feelings, talk to your partner and only then draw conclusions. Hasty decisions are not always right; take this problem seriously. Sometimes it’s enough just to change the environment or take a break to renew the feelings.