Typical problems of parent-child relationships in a modern family.

, Tkacheva N.N.

The main and necessary condition for the development of a child, the formation of his internal position are the people around him, and, above all, the parents. The family is one of the most important educational institutions, the role and importance of which in the formation of the personality can hardly be overestimated. In every family, marital, parental and child relationships are very closely intertwined, so children react sharply to all changes in the family.

Studies, and other scientists show that the influence of parents on the development of the child is very large. Children who grow up in an atmosphere of love and understanding have fewer health problems, difficulties in learning at school, and communication with peers. As a result of intra-family conflicts, lack of family warmth, as well as long absences of one or both parents, divorce, and in a critical situation, abandonment of the child, a violation of the psychological development of the child occurs. Child-parent relationships, from all other types of interpersonal relationships, are distinguished by a strong emotional component, as well as by ambivalence, ambiguity and contradiction.

A feature of parent-child relations in modern conditions is the presence of two subsystems of relations: "the relationship of the child to the parent" and "the relationship of the parent to the child." A parent's relationship includes treating yourself as a parent, treating your child, and parenting style. The child's relationship includes the relationship to himself, the relationship to his parents and the social adequacy of behavior. The integrative indicators of parent-child relationships are:

Parental position;

Type of family education;

The image of the parent as an educator and the image of the child's family education system.

Further, we consider it important to consider the types of violations of child - parent relationships. The rejecting position is characterized by the fact that the parents perceive the child as a "heavy duty", and in every possible way strive to get rid of this "burden", constantly condemning and criticizing the child's shortcomings, showing no patience at all. The position of avoidance arises when parents, in relation to the child, show emotionally coldness and indifference, and contacts with the child are casual and rare. At the same time, the child is given complete freedom and lack of control. The position of dominance occurs when parents in relation to the child, show inflexibility and even severity. At the same time, there are tendencies to limit the needs of the child, as well as his social freedom and independence. The leading methods of such family education are discipline, regime, threats and punishment. The rejection - coercive attitude occurs when parents adjust the child to the pattern of behavior they have developed, without taking into account his individual characteristics. At the same time, parents do not recognize the child's rights to independence, excessive demands are made on him, and his own authority is imposed.

If we consider child-parental relations from the perspective of the types of family education, then the following variants of the disharmonious type of education can be distinguished:

hypoprotection is a type of family upbringing that is characterized by a lack of guardianship and control. In such families, the lack of the necessary attention and warmth prevents the child from realizing the importance of the family.

Hyperprotection is a type of family upbringing that is characterized by excessive parental care, an overestimated level of protection.

Authority is a parenting style characterized by low levels of acceptance and participation in a child's life. Parents, in a relationship with a child, are prone to rejection, show coldness and often humiliate him, ridiculing and suppressing him.

Contradictory upbringing is a type of family upbringing, conditioned by the realization by different family members of different types of upbringing at the same time or a change in upbringing patterns as the child grows up.

Upbringing according to the type of increased moral responsibility is a type of deviant behavior (highlighted and), which is based on excessive exactingness presented to the child, which does not correspond to his age and individual characteristics.

Hypersocializing upbringing is a type of family upbringing, expressed in an anxiously suspicious concentration of parents on the child's social status, his successes and achievements, the attitude of his peers towards him and the place occupied in the group, as well as on the child's health, without taking into account his real psychophysical characteristics and opportunities.

Child abuse is a type of family upbringing characterized by the use of the widest range of punishments by parents, with almost complete absence of rewards. At the same time, there is a disproportion of the child's misconduct with the severity of the punishment and the parent's impulsive hostility.

There is no doubt that each family is an individual world with its own characteristics of relations, with its own value attitudes, norms and rules. If we consider a family from the perspective of a violation of parent-child relations (by), the following categories of families can be distinguished:

an outwardly calm family is a family in which events proceed smoothly, and from the outside it may seem that the relations of its members are ordered and coordinated. However, behind the seemingly prosperous "facade", feelings for each other, strongly suppressed for a long time, are hidden.

A "volcanic" family is a family in which relationships are fluid and open, and spontaneity and emotional immediacy prevail over a sense of responsibility. Parents constantly sort out the relationship, while they often disagree, so that soon they will love again tenderly and again treat each other sincerely and tenderly. The specific emotional atmosphere of such a family has a constant impact on the personality of the child, whether the parents want it or not.

Family - "sanatorium" - is a typical type of family disharmony, where the characteristic signs of attitudes towards children are petty custody, tight control and excessive protection from real and imaginary dangers. The behavior of the spouses takes the form of a sanatorium, they spend all the time together and try to keep the children around them, achieving this by constantly focusing on health, highlighting all kinds of dangers and intimidation. All this leads to an excessive overload of the child's nervous system, in which neurotic breakdowns occur.

Family - "fortress" - a family with a limited family circle and disharmonious internal connections. The attitude towards children in such a family is strictly regulated, and love for a child increasingly acquires a conditional character - he is loved when he justifies the requirements imposed on him by the family circle. All this leads to an increase in the child's self-doubt, to lack of initiative, which sometimes causes protest reactions and the child's behavior in the form of stubbornness and negativism.

Family - "theater" - a family in which stability is maintained by a specific "theatrical" lifestyle and where relationships are always based on play and effect. As a rule, in such families, one of the spouses has a strong need for recognition, constant attention and encouragement, and also acutely feels the lack of love. The love and care for the child, which parents constantly demonstrate to strangers, does not save the child himself from the feeling that the parents are not up to him, but that the father and mother fulfill their parental responsibilities is just a formal necessity imposed by social norms. In such a family, parents seek to hide the flaws and imperfections of their child, which ultimately leads to a weakening of self-control and the child's loss of internal discipline. And the lack of genuine intimacy with his parents forms his selfish orientation.

Family - “the third extra” - a family that arises in cases where the personal characteristics of the spouses, the style of their relationship is of particular importance, and the child is unconsciously perceived as a hindrance to marital happiness. In such a family, parents develop a latent dislike for their own child, which leads to the formation of self-doubt, lack of initiative, fixation on weaknesses. In such families, children are characterized by painful experiences of their own inferiority with increased dependence and obedience to parents, they often have fears for the life and health of their parents, they can hardly endure even temporary separation from them and poorly adapt in children's groups.

A family "with an idol" is a family that arises when caring for a child turns into the only force capable of keeping parents together. The child turns out to be, as it were, the center of the family, becomes the object of increased attention and guardianship and overestimated expectations of the parents. The parents' desire to protect the child from life's difficulties leads to an unconscious tendency to slow down the child's maturation, since the decrease in guardianship threatens the disruption of the family group. All this leads to a limitation of independence. With such upbringing, children become dependent, and along with this, their need for positive assessments increases. The demand for recognition at any cost generates demonstrative behavior, and critical awareness of one's own personal qualities is replaced by negative assessments of others, feelings of injustice and cruelty of others.

The family is a "masquerade", it is a family that is generated by the inconsistency of the life goals and plans of the spouses. The upbringing of a child acquires features of inconsistency, and inconsistency in the actions of parents (for example, increased exactingness in the case of overprotection and forgiveness of the mother) causes confusion in the child and splits in his self-esteem.

Thus, in the process of family upbringing, there is a significant part of the difficulties that parents face, as well as the mistakes that they often make in their upbringing practice. And yet, knowledge of even these typical features of family upbringing can provide parents with significant help in avoiding many misunderstandings in relationships with their own children.

Literature

1. Druzhinin, families: 3rd ed. - St. Petersburg: Peter, 2007. - 175 p.

2. Karabanov, family relations and the basics of family counseling: textbook. manual / - M .: Gardarika, 2007 .-- 320 p.

3. Kryukova, T. L., Saporovskaya, M. V., Kuftyak, families: life difficulties and coping with them. - SPb .: Rech, 2005 .-- 240 p.

4. Psychology of family relations with the basics of family counseling / Edited by, et al. - M .: Academy, 2002. - 192 p.

5. Smirnova, EO, Sokolova, MV .. Dynamics of parental attitudes in the ontogenesis of a child // Psychologist in kindergarten. - 2003. - No. 4. - S. 36-38.

6. Tseluiko, a modern family: A book for teachers and parents. - M .: VLADOS, 2006 .-- 136 p.

Game in the practical activity of a psychologist

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2.1 Reasons for violation of parent-child relations

The creation of harmonious relations, a prosperous psychologically comfortable climate in the family should be the first task of spouses and parents, since without this it is impossible to form a healthy, full-fledged personality of the child. Deviations in family relationships negatively affect the formation of the child's personality, character, self-esteem and other mental qualities of the personality; these children may experience various problems: a state of increased anxiety, deterioration in school performance, difficulties in communication, and many others. The influence of the family on the formation of the child's personality is recognized by many educators, psychologists, psychotherapists, and neuropsychiatric specialists.

The need for communication appears in a child from the first days of life. Without sufficient satisfaction of this need, not only his mental, but also physical development becomes flawed.

The termination of child-parent contact for a long time disrupts the natural formation of many of the qualities of children.

Optimal opportunities for intensive communication between a child and adults are created by the family both through his constant interaction with parents and through the connections that they establish with others (family, neighborhood, professional, friendly communication, etc.).

Consistency or, on the contrary, disorganization of marital relations has a significant impact on the child (both the first and the second can be characteristic of any type of family). There is evidence that a dysfunctional family negatively affects the cognitive activity of the child, his speech, intellectual, personal development. A regularity has been established according to which children brought up in a conflict family turn out to be ill-prepared in family life, and marriages contracted by immigrants from them break up much more often.

The conflict atmosphere in the family explains the paradoxical situation when “difficult” children grow up in families with good material conditions and a relatively high culture of their parents (including pedagogical) and, conversely, when good children grow up in poorly provided families with parents with low education ... Neither material conditions, nor culture, nor pedagogical knowledge of parents are often able to compensate for the educational inferiority of the stressful, tense atmosphere of the family.

Anomalies in the mental and moral development of a child that arise in conditions of dysfunctional family relationships are not only a consequence of them. They can arise under the influence of a number of side, accompanying social phenomena, which often become the cause of conflict itself or act on it as catalysts (negative orientations of parents, their low spiritual culture, selfishness, drunkenness, etc.).

The emotional state of parents is acutely perceived by children of any age. Where parental relationships are distorted, children develop abnormally. In such conditions, ideas about the bright ideals of love and friendship that a person learns at an early age through the example of his closest people - father and mother - are darkened or even lost. In addition, conflict situations lead to severe mental trauma. In families with abnormal relations between spouses, children with mental abnormalities are more than twice as likely to occur. In persons brought up in families where parents were in conflict with each other, the massiveness of neurotic reactions noticeably increases. The spiritual development of a child largely depends on the contacts that are established between parents and children. The influence of parental attitudes towards children on the characteristics of their development is multifaceted. Sufficient convincing evidence has been obtained that in families with strong, warm contacts, respectful attitude towards children, such qualities as benevolence, the ability to empathize, the ability to resolve conflict situations, etc. are more actively formed. They are characterized by a more adequate awareness of the image of "I", its integrity, and, consequently, a more developed sense of human dignity. All this makes them sociable, ensuring high prestige in the peer group.

There are options for relationships that interfere with the normal development of the child's personality.

Many researchers come to the conclusion that the peculiarities of the relationship between parents and children are fixed in their own behavior and become a model in their further contacts with others.

The attitude of the parents, which is characterized by a negative emotional coloring, hurts and hardens the child. Since the child's consciousness is prone to one-sided conclusions and generalizations due to the limited experience of life, the child has distorted judgments about people, erroneous criteria for their relationship. The rudeness or indifference of the parents gives the child reason to believe that the stranger will cause him even more grief. This is how feelings of hostility and suspicion, fear of other people arise.

The formation of the child's personality occurs both under the direct influence of the objective conditions of his life in the family (family relations, the structure and size of the family, the example of parents, etc.), and under the influence of purposeful upbringing on the part of adults. Upbringing activates the process of mastering socially necessary norms of behavior by a child, has a serious impact on his ability to perceive the spontaneous influences of the environment, and stimulates the assimilation of a positive example.

The success of the conscious educational activity of adults depends on many circumstances. It becomes effective if it is not carried out in isolation from the parents' real life, but finds its confirmation in it. The influence on family education is exerted by the spiritual culture of parents, their experience of social communication, family traditions. A special role belongs to the psychological and pedagogical culture of parents, which makes it possible to narrow down that element of spontaneity inherent in family education to a greater extent than any other form.

Anxiety can become a personality trait in younger students. High anxiety acquires stability with constant dissatisfaction with studies on the part of parents. Let's say a child gets sick, lags behind his classmates and finds it difficult to get involved in the learning process. If the temporary difficulties experienced by him annoy adults, if the parents constantly tell the child that he will not be able to catch up with the missed program, the child develops anxiety, fear of falling behind classmates, staying on retraining, fear of doing something bad, wrong. The same result is achieved in a situation where the child learns quite successfully, but the parents expect more and make unrealistic - high demands.

Due to the growth of anxiety and the associated low self-esteem, educational achievements decrease, failure is fixed. Self-doubt leads to a number of other traits:

• the desire to thoughtlessly follow the instructions of an adult;

· Act only according to samples and templates;

· Fear of taking the initiative;

· Formal assimilation of knowledge and methods of action;

• fear of going to something new;

• take on a new business;

· Set goals and achieve them.

Adults, dissatisfied with the declining productivity of the child's educational work, focus more and more on these issues in communicating with him, which increases emotional discomfort.

It turns out a vicious circle: the unfavorable personality traits of the child are reflected in his learning activity, the low performance of the activity causes a corresponding reaction from others, and this negative reaction, in turn, enhances the child's peculiarities. You can break this circle by changing the attitudes and assessments of the parents. Parents, focusing on the child's smallest achievements, without blaming him for individual shortcomings, reduce his level of anxiety and thereby contribute to the successful completion of educational tasks.

1. Demonstration - a personality trait associated with an increased need for success and attention to others around. The source of demonstrativeness is usually the lack of attention of adults to children who feel abandoned and "disliked" in the family. But it happens that the child receives sufficient attention, but it does not satisfy him due to the hypertrophied need for emotional contacts. Excessive demands on adults are not made by neglected children, but, on the contrary, by the most spoiled children. Such a child will seek attention, even breaking the rules of conduct. ("Better to let them scold than not notice"). The task of adults is to do without lecture and edification. Make comments as less emotionally as possible, ignore minor offenses and punish major ones (say, by refusing a planned trip to the circus). This is much more difficult for an adult than caring for an anxious child.

If for a child with high anxiety, the main problem is the constant disapproval of adults, then for a demonstrative child it is a lack of praise.

2. "Avoiding reality." It is observed in cases where demonstrativeness is combined with anxiety in children. These children also have a strong need for attention to themselves, but they cannot fulfill it due to their anxiety. They are hardly noticeable, they are afraid to cause disapproval by their behavior, they strive to fulfill the requirements of adults. An unsatisfied need for attention leads to an increase in even greater passivity, invisibility, which makes it difficult for already insufficient contacts. When adults encourage the activity of children, pay attention to the results of their educational activities and search for ways of creative self-realization, a relatively easy correction of their development is achieved.

In a state of crisis, it almost always seems that nothing can be changed. Even if this is true, then there is only one way out - a person is able to change his attitude towards what happened.

Since success in solving a difficult life situation depends primarily on the person himself. Consider her relationship to her own ability to resolve conflict, overcome tension, reduce anxiety. First of all, let's define our understanding of the concept of “self-rehabilitation”.

Rehabilitation in a personal context is the activation of the functions of a constructively positive adaptation to society after overcoming a difficult life situation. This recovery is at a higher quality level, if a person becomes able to overcome the difficulty constructively than by the beginning of psychological and rehabilitation influences.

In contrast to rehabilitation as professional assistance to a person who has found himself in a life crisis situation, self-rehabilitation is aimed at an independent work of a person with himself in difficult life circumstances that cannot yet be called a crisis. Self-rehabilitation is self-help in productively overcoming internal and external obstacles, getting out of a difficult situation, returning to a temporarily lost trajectory of life.

Such psychological assistance helps to reveal the subjective potential of a person, stimulates independent searches for inner integrity, harmony, new opportunities for self-development, self-fulfillment, facilitates the development of individual strategies for transforming a problem situation, an outdated, chronic conflict, a painful state into the stages of personal growth, closer to oneself, to one's own entities.

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Child-parent relations in the family

According to researchers dealing with family problems, the family can act as a positive or negative factor in the upbringing of a child.

The positive effect on the personality of the child is that no one, except for the people closest to him in the family, treats the child better, does not love him and does not care so much about him. At the same time, no other social institution can potentially do as much harm in raising children as a family can do.

Family education is a complex system. It should be based on certain principles and have a certain content, which is aimed at the development of all aspects of the child's personality. It should be based on certain principles:

humanity and mercy for a growing person;

involvement of children in the life of the family as its equal participants;

openness and trust in relationships with children;

optimistic family relationships;

consistency in their requirements (do not demand the impossible);

providing all possible help to your child, willingness to answer questions.

The implementation of these principles will also depend on type of upbringing :

autocratic - when all decisions concerning children are made exclusively by parents.

liberal - when the child has the last word when making a decision.

chaotic - management is carried out inconsistently: sometimes authoritarian, sometimes democratically, sometimes liberal.

L.G. Sagotovskaya identifies 6 types of parental relationships with children: 1) an extremely biased attitude, confidence that children are the main thing in life; 2) indifference to the child, to his requests, interests; 3) an egoistic attitude when parents consider the child to be the main labor force of the family; 4) attitude towards the child as an object of education without taking into account the characteristics of his personality; 5) attitude towards the child as a hindrance in career and personal affairs; 6) respect for the child, combined with the imposition of certain duties on him.

The basis of the family microclimate, according to the researchers A.S. Makarenko, A.V. Petrovsky, A.I. Zakharova, A.B. Dobrovich and others, are interpersonal relationships that determine its climate.

It is in relation to the attitude of parents to their child, according to E.M. Volkova, that one can assume what he will become in the future.

According to A.Ya. Varga and V.V. Stolin, “parental relations” is a system of various feelings for a child, behavioral stereotypes practiced in communicating with him, the characteristics of perception and understanding of the character and personality of the child, his actions.

Such researchers as A.V. Petrovsky, A.I. Zakharov, I.M. Balinsky, V.N. Myasishchev, R.A. Zachepitsky and others.

S. Soloveichik believes that the relationship of parents to a child is distinguished by high psychological tension and manifold in its manifestations. The most frequent, in his opinion, types of relationships are: attentive, fearful, vain, angry, irritable, adaptive, sociable, sensational, persistent, constant, confident, hopeful.

P.F. Lesgaft identified six positions of parents in relation to children, influencing the behavior of the child:

Parents do not pay attention to children, humiliate, ignore them. In such families, children often grow up hypocritical, deceitful, they often have low intelligence or mental retardation.

Parents constantly admire their children, consider them to be a model of excellence. Children most often grow up selfish, superficial, self-confident.

Harmonious relationships built on love and respect. Children are distinguished by kindheartedness and depth of thinking, a desire for knowledge.

Parents are constantly not happy with the child, criticize and blame him. The child grows up irritable, emotionally unstable.

Parents overly pamper and protect the child. Children grow up lazy, socially immature.

Parents who are affected by financial difficulties. Their children grow up with a pessimistic attitude towards the world around them. If they do not, then the children are calm, modest.

A.S. Makarenko draws attention to such family relationships as coexistence, confrontation, commonwealth.

A.B Dobrovich highlights the roles of the child in the family, defined for him by his parents: "family idol", "mother's treasure", "good girl", "sickly child", "terrible child", "Cinderella".

In his research AND I. Varga and V.V. Stolin identified the following criteria for parenting:

"Acceptance - rejection." Acceptance: The parent likes the child the way he is. He respects the individuality of the child, sympathizes with him. Rejection: a parent perceives his child as bad, unsuitable, unsuccessful, for the most part feels anger, annoyance, irritation, resentment towards the child. He does not trust the child, does not respect him.

"Cooperation" - the parent is interested in the affairs and plans of the child, tries to help him in everything. He highly appreciates his intellectual and creative abilities, feels a sense of pride in him.

“Symbiosis” - the parent constantly feels anxiety for the child, he seems to him small and defenseless. The parent does not provide the child with independence.

“Authoritarian hypersocialization” - the parent requires unconditional obedience and discipline from the child. He tries to impose his will on him in everything, for the manifestation of willfulness the child is severely punished. The parent closely monitors the child's social behavior and demands social success.

“Little loser” - in the parental relationship there is a desire to infantilize the child, to ascribe personal and social inconsistency to him. The child appears to be unadapted, unsuccessful, open to bad influences. The adult tries to protect the child from the difficulties of life and strictly control his actions.

An analysis of the literature shows that, despite the variety of concepts that describe parenting relationships, in almost all approaches, it can be seen that parenting is inherently contradictory. E.O.Smirnova and M.V. Bykova distinguish two opposite points in parental relationships: unconditional (contains components such as acceptance, love, empathy, etc.) and conditional (objective assessment, control, focus on the upbringing of certain qualities).

Thus, we have every reason to conclude that family relationships can be multifaceted. Parent-child relationships are influenced by the type of family, the position taken by adults, the styles of relationships and the role they assign to the child in the family. Under the influence of the type of parental relationship, his personality is formed.

Types of parent-child relationships

Children in the family are an addition, enrichment of the life of two people who have tied the knot. The child needs both parents - a loving father and mother. It is no exaggeration to say that the relationship between husband and wife has a tremendous impact on the development of the child's personality. Conflict, tense environment makes the child nervous, whiny, disobedient, aggressive. Friction between spouses is usually traumatic for the child.

Just as the personality of each person is unique, the relationship between spouses is individual, the relationship of parents to their child is also complex, and the styles of family education are ambiguous. The style of family education is understood as the totality of parental stereotypes affecting a child.

Observing the upbringing of children in different families allowed psychologists to compose a description of the different types of upbringing.

A. Baldwin identified two styles of parenting: democratic and controlling. Democratic the style is characterized by the following parameters: a high degree of verbal communication between parents and children, the involvement of children in the discussion of family problems, the success of the child when the parents are always ready to help, the desire to reduce subjectivity in the child's vision. Supervising style presupposes significant restrictions on the child's behavior in the absence of disagreements between parents and children about disciplinary measures, a clear understanding by the child of the meaning of restrictions. The requirements of the parents can be quite strict, but they are presented to the child constantly and consistently and are recognized by the child as fair and justified.

D. Bowmead In the series of studies, an attempt was made to overcome the descriptiveness of previous works by isolating a set of childhood traits associated with factors of parental control and emotional support. On the basis of his observations, Bowmrid identifies 3 types of children, the nature of which corresponds to certain methods of educational activities of their parents.

Authoritative parents - initiative, sociable, kind children. Authoritative are those parents who love and understand children, preferring not to punish, but to explain what is good and what is bad, without fear of praising them once again. They demand meaningful behavior from children and try to help them by being sensitive to their needs. At the same time, such parents usually show firmness, faced with children's whims, and even more so with unmotivated outbursts of anger.

The children of such parents are usually inquisitive, try to justify, and not impose their point of view, they take their responsibilities responsibly. It is easier for them to assimilate socially acceptable and encouraged forms of behavior. They are more energetic and self-confident, they have better self-esteem and self-control, and it is easier for them to establish good relationships with their peers.

Authoritarian parents - irritable, conflict-prone children. Authoritarian parents believe that a child should not be given too much freedom and rights, that he should obey their will and authority in everything. It is no coincidence that these parents in their educational practice, trying to develop discipline in the child, as a rule, do not leave him the opportunity to choose options for behavior, limit his independence, deprive him of the right to object to elders, even if the child is right. Authoritarian parents often do not consider it necessary to substantiate their claims in any way. Strict control over the behavior of the child is the basis of their upbringing, which does not go beyond severe prohibitions, reprimands and often physical punishment. The most common method of disciplinary action is intimidation and threats. Such parents exclude emotional closeness with children, they are stingy with praise, therefore, a feeling of affection rarely arises between them and the children.

However, tight control rarely gives a positive result. With such upbringing, children only develop a mechanism of external control, develop a sense of guilt or fear of punishment and, as a rule, have too little self-control, if any. Children of authoritarian parents find it difficult to connect with peers due to their constant vigilance and even hostility towards others. They are suspicious, sullen, anxious and therefore unhappy.

Indulgent parents - impulsive, aggressive children. As a rule, condescending parents are not inclined to control their children, allowing them to do as they please, without requiring them to be responsible and self-controlled. In children, however, most often there are disagreements with discipline, often their behavior becomes simply uncontrollable. How do indulgent parents deal with these situations? Usually they become desperate and react very sharply - they rudely and sharply ridicule the child, and in fits of anger they can use physical punishment. They deprive children of parental love, attention and empathy.

Types of family relationships

To determine the life path of a child's development, his emerging life position, we propose to focus on the strategy for the development of the child's personality in the family, including the mechanism of family development, types of family relationships, family life styles (family credo).

Different life styles of the family and types of family relationships affect the development of the child's personality in different ways, determining the paths of his development (D.A. Leontiev, E.R. Kalitievskaya).

Authoritarian type family relations determines the conformal path of development of the child in the family, which is characterized by the predominance of reliance on external criteria for decision-making and a feeling of independence of the results of actions from their own efforts. The child's actions depend entirely on the external assessment that can be earned by behaving in accordance with external requirements. In the future, such a person can successfully adapt to life at the cost of unconditionally accepting external requirements and assessments as a guide to action.

Authoritative type family relations determines, in our opinion, the symbiotic path of development of the child in the family and includes the prerequisites for neurotic development of the personality, which is due to the fact that the child experiences emotional alienation in relation to parents in connection with "strict" control from the mother and the attitude the little one on the father's side; since the parents have a fear of the child's independence and they, most often unconsciously, strive to preserve his dependence on them, making their love a conditional reward for the desired behavior. The child's lack of freedom is combined with a perverted form of responsibility - with “responsibility” for the realization of not one's own, but other people's values. Parents closely monitor and evaluate the child's behavior, not accepting him as a whole as a person. Thus, an orientation towards "earned" recognition is formed in him.

Democratic type family relations forms an impulsive path of development of the child's personality. The contradictory nature of parental relationships gives the child the right to be active, but undeveloped self-regulation makes it incomprehensible to genuine freedom, which is replaced by impulsive protest, opposing oneself to others.

Altruistic type family relations forms an autonomous way of development of the child's personality, based on freedom and responsibility, since parents provide the child with independence, while maintaining emotional acceptance. The autonomous path of development is the only path based on true freedom and responsibility, leading to personal maturity and a full human existence. True freedom and responsibility prevailing in the family develop in the child, respectively, activity and awareness as the bases that form the attitude of the individual to his own life in school years, i.e. position in life. The combination of these foundations as parameters gives four types of life position, corresponding to the four ways of personal development described above.

Conformal type development generates a child's passive position and is characterized by a lack of activity and awareness in relation to his life; complete passive submission to circumstances; accepting everything that happens as inevitable and uncontrollable.

Symbiotic pathway child development determines the contemplative position, which is characterized by awareness and lack of activity. Realizing the events of his life as occurring separately from his “I”, such a person is not able to influence them either because he is convinced that it is impossible to do this, or because of neurotic lack of confidence in himself, his strengths and capabilities.

Impulsive way personal development forms an impulsive position of a person, which is characterized by the presence of activity and lack of awareness. Such a person seeks to manage his life, being unable to comprehend it, therefore, managing life takes on the character of chaotic, impulsive decisions that are not connected by a single logic and life goal.

Autonomous path personal development generates an effective life position based on activity and awareness, and is characterized by the fact that a person is not only aware of the course of his life, but is able to stand in relation to it in an active position and manage it.

Family parenting styles (A.E. Lichko and E.G. Eidemiller)

Of the classifications that compare the characteristics of the formation of the personality of children and the styles of family education, the most interesting, detailed is the classification proposed by A.E. Lichko and E.G. Eidemiller for teenagers. The authors identified the following deviations in family parenting styles:

Hypoprotection. Characterized by a lack of guardianship and control. The child is left unattended. Little attention is paid to a teenager, there is no interest in his affairs, physical abandonment and neglect are frequent. With latent hypoprotection, control and care are formal, parents are not included in the child's life. The child's non-inclusion in the life of the family leads to antisocial behavior due to the dissatisfaction of the need for love and affection.

Dominant hyperprotection. It manifests itself in increased, heightened attention and care, excessive care and petty control of behavior, surveillance, prohibitions and restrictions. The child is not taught to be independent and responsible. This leads either to a reaction of emancipation, or to lack of initiative, inability to stand up for oneself.

Conniving hyperprotection. This is how the upbringing of the “idol of the family” is called. Parents strive to free the child from the slightest difficulty, indulge his desires, adore and patronize excessively, admire his minimal success, and demand the same admiration from others. The result of such upbringing is manifested in a high level of aspirations, striving for leadership with insufficient perseverance and self-reliance.

Emotional rejection. The child is weighed down. His needs are ignored. Sometimes he is mistreated. Parents (or their “substitutes” - stepmother, stepfather, etc.) consider the child a burden and show general dissatisfaction with the child. Latent emotional rejection is often encountered: parents seek to disguise their real attitude towards the child with increased care and attention to him. This parenting style has the most negative impact on a child's development.

Abusive relationships ... They can appear openly when the child is ripped off the evil, using violence, or be hidden, when there is a "wall" of emotional coldness and hostility between the parent and the child.

Increased moral responsibility. A child is required to be honest, decency, and a sense of duty that does not correspond to his age. Ignoring the interests and capabilities of the teenager, they make him responsible for the well-being of those close to him. He is forcibly credited with the role of "head of the family." Parents hope for a special future for their child, and the child is afraid to disappoint them. Often he is entrusted with caring for younger children or the elderly.

In addition, the following deviations in the style of parenting are also distinguished: preference for female qualities (PFA), preference for male qualities (MVP), preference for children's qualities (MPC), expansion of the sphere of parental feelings (RFE), fear of loss of a child (FU), underdevelopment of parental feelings (LRF), the projection of one's own undesirable qualities (PPK), the introduction of conflict between spouses in the sphere of education (VC).

One of the directions in describing the typology of family education is the study of educational parental attitudes and attitudes. In the most general form, the optimal and non-optimal parental positions were formulated. The optimal parental position meets the requirements of adequacy, flexibility and predictability (A.I. Zakharov, A.S. Spivakovskaya).

Adequacy parental position can be defined as the ability of parents to see and understand the individuality of their child, to notice the changes taking place in his mental world.

Flexibility parental position is considered as the ability to restructure the impact on the child in the course of his growing up and in connection with various changes in the living conditions of the family. A flexible parenting position should not only be changeable in accordance with changes in the child, it should be anticipatory, predictive.

Predictability parental position means that not the child should lead the parents, but, on the contrary, the behavior of the parents should outpace the emergence of new mental and personal qualities of children.

In disharmonious families, where the upbringing of a child has acquired a problematic character, a change in parental positions is quite clearly revealed in one or all three selected indicators. Parental positions are inadequate, lose the quality of flexibility, become unchanging and unpredictable.

There is an attempt to describe parenting in a family through the roles that the child plays. A role is defined as a certain set of patterns of behavior in relation to a child in a family, as a combination of feelings, expectations, actions, assessments addressed to the child by adult family members. Childhood roles are clearly identified in families when parental positions lose flexibility and adequacy.

The most typical roles include four roles: "scapegoat", "favorite", "conciliator", "baby".

"Scapegoat". This childish role arises in the family when the parents' marital problems are passed on to the child. He kind of takes on the emotions of the parents, which they actually feel for each other.

"Favorite". It occurs when parents do not feel any feelings for each other, and the emotional vacuum is filled with exaggerated care for the child, exaggerated love for him.

« Baby ". In this role, the child is distant from his parents, he is, as it were, pushed out of the family community, he is once and for all ordered to be in the family only a child, on whom nothing depends. This role arises when the spouses are very close to each other.

« Conciliator ". A child in such a role is early involved in the complexities of family life, occupies the most important place in the family, regulating and eliminating marital conflicts.

The above descriptions well illustrate the fact that children are influenced not only by deliberate influences, but equally or even more by all the features of parental behavior.

The parental position is a kind of holistic education, it is the real orientation of the educational activity of parents, arising under the influence of the motives of education. What kind of parental position is realized in interaction with the child depends primarily on the relationship between conscious and unconscious motivational tendencies. The typology of A. Roe and M. Siegelman includes such attitudes towards children and parental positions in upbringing, such as rejection, indifference, overprotection, over-demanding, stability, active love.

Types of wrong education according to V.I. Garbuzov

IN AND. Garbuzov, noting the decisive role of educational influences in the formation of the characterological characteristics of the child, identified three types of incorrect upbringing.

Upbringing according to type A (rejection, emotional rejection) - rejection of the individual characteristics of the child, combined with strict control, with the imperative imposition of the only correct type of behavior on him. Upbringing type A can be combined with a lack of control, complete connivance.

Type B (hypersocializing) upbringing is expressed in the parents' alarming and suspicious conception of the child's health, his social status among his comrades, and especially at school, and the expectation of academic success and future professional activity.

Upbringing according to type C (egocentric) - cultivating the attention of all family members to the child (the idol of the family), sometimes to the detriment of other children or family members.

Types of mother-child relationship (S. Brody, E. T. Sokolova, L. Kovar)

S. Brodie identified four types of maternal relationship:

mothers of the first type easily and organically adapted to the needs of the child. They are characterized by supportive, permissive behavior. Interestingly, the most revealing test of a particular maternal style was the mother's reaction to toilet training. Mothers of the first type did not set themselves the task of accustoming the child to the skills of neatness by a certain age. They waited for the child to "mature" himself;

mothers of the second type deliberately tried to adapt to the needs of the child. The successful implementation of this aspiration did not always introduce tension into their behavior, a lack of immediacy in communication with the child. They dominated rather than inferior;

mothers of the third type did not show much interest in the child. The basis of motherhood was a sense of duty. In the relationship with the child, there was almost no warmth and no spontaneity at all. As the main instrument of upbringing, such mothers used strict control, for example, they consistently and severely tried to accustom a child of one and a half years to the skills of neatness;

mothers of the fourth type of behavior are characterized by inconsistency. They behaved inadequate to the age and needs of the child, made many mistakes in upbringing, poorly understood their child. Their direct educational influences, as well as their reactions to the same actions of the child, were contradictory.

According to S. Brody, the fourth style of motherhood is the most harmful for the child, since the constant unpredictability of maternal reactions deprives the child of a sense of stability in the world around him and provokes increased anxiety.

Birth order and role position

3. Freud was one of the first to notice that the position of a child among sisters and brothers is of paramount importance in his entire subsequent life. Walter Touman, through his study of thousands of normal families, found that people who occupy the same positions in the family structure have the same characteristics. Most researchers support this point of view. All other things being equal, some couples get along better than others only because their role positions complement each other successfully. Good complementarity usually means reproducing the same conditions in terms of age and roles that everyone is used to in their own family. For example, a siblings 'younger sister usually gets along better with sisters' older siblings. This ratio of age-role positions is most comfortable for both.

The prevalence of single-child families in society, in addition to direct negative consequences (population decline throughout the life of one generation), also leads to an ever-increasing likelihood of marriages between only children, and this conceals significant difficulties for the stability of marriages.

In many ways, single children have significant advantages over children with siblings. An only child has a higher level of self-esteem, he suffers less from loss of authority, expects and easily accepts help when he needs it, in most tests of knowledge and "logical" abilities he has the highest rates. However, since the only child is not used to close communication with other children (only parent-child relationships are natural for him), he often does not know how to behave in an intimate relationship later, when he gets married, gets married or lives with someone ... He does not perceive the “peaks” and “lows” in everyday life with others and therefore has difficulty accepting and understanding normal mood changes. He was not used to the difficulties of other individuals.

The most difficult couple is the other only child. Both of them do not know how to cope with close and equal relationships, neither of them is used to the opposite sex, and both want the other to play the role of parent. The most difficult variant of the marriage union arises when two only children from incomplete families are united.

In the presence of families with two or more children in a society, there is a possibility of various combinations (combinations) of grown children as spouses.

Since a fairly significant part of our ideas about life depends on the place we occupy among brothers and sisters, then in later life we ​​experience the least difficulties when this place remains in adult relationships in one form or another. So, in a family in which there are only sisters and no brothers, children do not develop habits of everyday communication on an equal footing with representatives of the opposite sex, as a result of which in later life it is difficult to understand the differences between themselves and their spouses in marriage.

The role of the siblings.

According to Adler, birth order is the main determinant of lifestyle attitudes. He argued that if children have the same parents and grow up in roughly the same conditions, they still do not have an identical social environment. The experience of the oldest or youngest child in the family in relation to other children, the peculiarities of the influence of parental attitudes and values ​​- all this changes as a result of the appearance of the next children in the family and strongly influences the formation of the lifestyle.

The child's position in the family is critical. The perception of the situation is especially important, which, most likely, accompanies a certain position. That is, what importance the child attaches to the current situation depends on how the order of his birth will affect his lifestyles. However, on the whole, certain psychological characteristics turned out to be characteristic of the particular position of the child in the family.

According to A. Adler, the position of the first-born can be considered enviable as long as he is the only child in the family. Parents are usually very worried about the birth of their first child and therefore give themselves entirely to him, striving for everything to be "as it should be." The firstborn receives boundless love and care from the parents. The birth of a second child, according to Adler, dramatically changes the position of the first child and his views on the world. The author describes the position of the first-born child at the birth of the second child as the position of a "monarch deprived of the throne." And he claims that the experience can be very traumatic.

If a second child of the opposite sex is born, this event is not so dramatic for the firstborn, since there is no direct competition between them. In this case, the characteristics of the older child are less pronounced. If the second child is of the same sex, the impact on the first child is very strong. According to Touman, it stimulates one of the common stereotypes of the older child's behavior: he tries very hard to be good so that his parents continue to love him more than the newborn. Parents unknowingly reinforce this tendency by telling the elder that he is bigger and smarter, and expecting help from him. As a result, older children often have many parenting qualities: they know how to be educators, are able to take responsibility and play a leadership role. A sense of responsibility in the family can often be a heavy burden and lead to anxiety, since the first-born does not dare to make a mistake or upset the parents.

The middle child - the second of three or one of the middle children in a large family with many children - is difficult to describe. He is both the elder and the younger at the same time. Adler believed that the second child (the middle one) was set by his older sibling. The rate of development of the average is often higher than that of the first-born (he may start talking and walking earlier). As a result, the second child grows up to be competitive and ambitious, as his lifestyle is the desire to prove that he is better than an older brother or older sister.

One of the studies carried out on large families showed that the elder and the younger are always the favorites of the family. Therefore, the middle child in the family is in many ways more difficult than the others, since he is forced to compete both with the older one, who is more skillful and strong, and with the younger one, who is more helpless and dependent. Richardson notes that the average child can fluctuate in his behavior between trying to be like an older one and trying to return to the role of a caregiver again, as a result, he does not have solid guidelines for identifying his individuality. Middle children in adulthood, in accordance with these views, are less able to take initiative and think independently (they often turn out to be "rebels" against any authorities). In contrast to Adler, Richardson believes that middle children have the lowest achievement motivation among children with different birth orders, especially school.

The second child seeks to get ahead of the first-born, but he rarely succeeds, and due to his uncertain position in the parental family, he acquires a somewhat skeptical idea of ​​his capabilities, as a result of which the motivation for learning may decrease. Richardson notes that in their attempts to feel their own worth, such children try to compete with other destructive ways: they can become destructive, self-destructive (drinking and eating too much), or forming annoying, attention-getting habits. Middle children are deprived of the authority of the elders and the spontaneity of the younger ones, but the “middle” position in the family also bears fruit: they often learn to do good business with different people, are friendly with everyone, and are able to negotiate. Usually they have the ability to diplomacy, work as a secretary and any activity in the service sector (hairdresser, waiter, etc.), where the ability to get along with a variety of people is very important.

The youngest child, like the only one, was not traumatized by the appearance of the next (one more child). The peculiarities of the youngest child are that for the whole family he is a toddler, and some, even in adulthood, continue to seem small. There is no doubt that there are fewer demands on younger children, especially if there is a sibling of the same sex. He is forgiven much more than an elder, who at a similar age is usually considered "big".

There are, however, conflicting views on the results of raising younger children. One of the views from Adler is that the youngest develop a strong motivation to surpass the older siblings. As a result, the youngest child can become the fastest swimmer, the best musician, the most ambitious student.

Richardson writes that since the youngest child is not new to parents, they already have experience in raising children, they are less concerned about how they will cope with their responsibilities, and less demand of him. Based on this point of view, since parental expectations are lower in relation to the younger child, he achieves less. Usually the younger is devoid of self-discipline, he has problems with making decisions, so he either expects solutions to problems from others (from his spouse), or rejects any help. Younger children develop a manipulative way of dealing with people, as they get used to the fact that aggression is useless from childhood.

According to Touman, the youngest child tries to catch up with the elders all his life, but he succeeds if only he chooses a different field of activity (different from the older sibling) and lifestyle. The youngest child, who was well treated as a child, is easygoing and popular with friends. If teased and harassed, he is timid and irritable with others.

Children who do not have siblings have the best and worst worlds at the same time. Since the only child is both the oldest and the youngest, he accordingly possesses the characteristics of the older child and retains the childish characteristics until maturity. According to Adler, the position of an only child is unique - he has no brother or sister with whom he would have to compete. This circumstance, along with a particular sensitivity to maternal care, often leads the only child to intense rivalry with the father. He is under the control of his mother for a long time and expects the same care and protection from others. The main feature of this lifestyle is dependence and self-centeredness. Such a child throughout childhood continues to be the focus of the family, and in the future, as it were, wakes up and discovers for himself that he is no longer in the center of attention. The only child never shared his central position with anyone, did not fight for this position with his brother and sister. As a result, according to Adler, he has difficulties in relationships with peers.

On the other hand, due to its special position in the family, the only child expects and easily accepts help from others (unlike the elder, who does not need anyone's advice, regardless of his competence), tolerates loneliness well and has a high level of self-esteem (quite deservedly ).

Influence of parental attitudes on the development of children

It is especially important for parents to understand what role parental attitudes play in the emotional and personal development of a child. Parents are the most significant and beloved people for a child. Authority, especially in the early stages of psycho-emotional development, is indisputable and absolute. The belief in the infallibility, righteousness and justice of parents in children is unshakable. Children cannot put a psychological barrier in their relationship with their parents. Therefore, many of the attitudes that they receive from their parents further determine their behavior, moreover, stereotypical, the same in similar life situations.

Negative attitudes

Strong people don't cry.

Think only of yourself, do not give your things to strangers.

You are the same as your (your) dad (mom).

Fool, silly, stupid! Nothing works for you, not like Sasha's.

It would be better if you weren't in the world!

So you will knock around in life, like your (your) dad (mom).

If you do not obey, you will get sick.

Don't go there - you will be hit by a car.

Don't run fast - you will fall.

The apple never falls far from the tree.

How much strength we gave you, and you ...

It's none of your mind.

Do not eat much, you will be fat, no one will love you.

Eat more, otherwise you won't be strong.

Do not trust anyone, they will be deceived.

If you do this, no one will be friends with you.

You will always be dirty!

You are bad!

Positive attitudes

Cry - it will be easier.

How much you give - so much you get.

What a clever mom! What a fine fellow we have!

You are smart, you will definitely succeed! Let's try together.

What a blessing that we have you!

Everyone chooses his own path.

Be attentive to yourself - and you will always be healthy.

Let's see if the car is moving.

What playful legs you have: they run deftly!

What goes around comes around.

We love and understand you.

Everyone is interested in your opinion.

Eat for health, as much as you want.

The ventricle also sometimes needs to rest.

Choose your friends yourself and trust them.

As you relate to people, so do they to you. As it comes around, it will respond.

Cleanliness is the key to health. It happens that you get dirty at work ...

You did it so (badly) by accident. I love you anyone.

Love yourself and others will love you.

Everything in this life depends on you.

The value of full-fledged communication between an adult and a child is enormous. One of the essential aspects of psychological education of parents is to familiarize them with the methods of correct communication with children, providing them with psychological support, and creating a favorable psychological climate in the family. Often not everything in life turns out as we would like, circumstances often turn out to be stronger than us. In moments of failure, the child especially needs the support of loved ones. Sometimes the mistakes and mistakes of the child cause annoyance and irritation in the parents, they are in a hurry to scold or punish the child, but this will not teach him to resist life's difficulties.

The right relationship between children and adults is the most important factor in the development of a child. When the parent-child relationship is broken, the child is disappointed and prone to various misconduct. Correct relationships are those in which the adult focuses on the positive aspects and advantages of the child in order to strengthen his self-esteem, helps the child to believe in himself and his abilities, avoid mistakes, and supports him in case of failures.

Corrective work with parents is to teach them to support the child, and for this, you may need to change the usual style of communication with him. Personal attitudes become the main obstacle to social adaptation: limited opportunities for communication, difficulties in acquiring life experience, a feeling of failure, a lack of comfort. As a result, frustration arises, the consequences of which are aggressiveness, an inferiority complex, and deep negative emotional experiences.

The main principles of counseling are:

1) humanism - belief in opportunities, subjective positive approach;

2) realism - taking into account the real capabilities of a person and a situation;

3) consistency - consideration of the consulted as a holistic, qualitatively unique, dynamically developing subject;

4) variability - changing the forms and methods of counseling, depending on the originality of the person being consulted and the capabilities of the psychologist.

Psychological counseling, based on a humanistic approach, presupposes a subjective attitude towards the person being consulted. As a subject of his own life, a child or adolescent has motives and incentives to develop his unique inner world, his activity is aimed at adaptation and self-realization, he is able to take responsibility for his life in conditions of limited opportunities. In the course of counseling, various techniques are used that actualize the activity and responsibility of the counselor: a positive attitude, strengthening faith in one's own strengths and capabilities, "permission" for trials and mistakes, distribution of roles, transferring responsibility to a teenager.

The specificity of counseling in each individual case is due to the age of the child and the nature of the problem. By their focus, the problems can be divided into three groups:

1) relationship problems - gaining recognition, overcoming conflicts, developing communication skills, improving relationships with parents and friends;

2) problems associated with training, methods of activity, choice of profession, planning an individual strategy, methods and style of activity;

3) problems of self-knowledge, self-esteem, self-realization - overcoming feelings of inferiority, increasing self-confidence, developing self-regulation skills, overcoming anxiety, loneliness, creating inner comfort, searching for the meaning of life.

The consultation includes three essential aspects:

The activity of the consultant to resolve his own difficulty through internal psychological change, growth;

The activities of the consultant to identify difficulties and provide assistance in resolving important life tasks for the person being consulted;

Changing attitudes, ways of acting, self-esteem, the emergence of new experiences, psychological neoplasms in mental life, the discovery of new opportunities.

Awareness of the problem causes an influx of energy, activates the strength of a person to overcome obstacles. The goal, supported by a sincere desire and faith in its achievement, acts as a system-forming factor that transfers human activity to a special regime that causes new resource states. The psychologist adheres to an optimistic concept and relies on the strengths of the individual. The effectiveness of counseling is an indicator of the professional competence of a psychologist.

One of the essential aspects of psychological education of teachers and parents is to familiarize them with the methods of correct communication with children, provide them with psychological support, and create a favorable psychological climate in the family and school. Instead of focusing primarily on the child's mistakes and bad behavior, the adult will have to focus on the positive side of his actions and on rewarding what he does. Supporting a child means believing in him. Verbally and non-verbally, the parent informs the child that he believes in his strength and abilities. A child needs support not only when he feels bad, but also when he feels good.

In order to support a child, parents themselves must feel confident that they will not be able to support the child until they learn to accept themselves and achieve self-esteem and confidence. An adult, without knowing it, can offend a child by telling him, for example: “You could not get dirty!”, “You could be more careful!”, “Look how your brother did it well!”, “You I should have watched when I did it! " As a rule, negative comments from parents have no effect. Constant reproaches like “you could have done it better” lead the child to the conclusion: “What's the point of trying? I can't do anything anyway. I can never satisfy them. I give up".

For the normal development of a child, sometimes it is necessary to correct family relationships, such as excessive demands of parents, rivalry between brothers and sisters, and excessive ambitions of the child. Excessive requirements of parents for a child will make success difficult to achieve. For example, if parents expected a child to be “the most capable” in kindergarten, then they expect the same from him at school (they want to see a child who can do somersaults well in the future as a gymnast). In the case of siblings, parents may inadvertently pit their children against each other, comparing the brilliant achievements of one with the pale achievements of the other. Such rivalry can lead to intense feelings for the child and destroy good relationships.

The child's behavior is influenced by the child's excessive ambition. For example, a child, poorly playing some game, refuses to take part in it. Often, a child who is not able to stand out in something positive begins to behave defiantly negatively. So, typical for parents false ways of supporting a child are overprotection, creating a child's dependence on an adult, imposing unrealistic standards, stimulating rivalry with peers. These methods interfere with the normal development of his personality and lead to increased emotional experiences. Genuine support by adults for a child should be based on emphasizing his abilities and positive aspects. If an adult does not like the child's behavior, at such times he must show the child that he does not approve of his behavior, but still respects the child as a person. It is important for the child to realize that their failure may be due to a lack of willingness or ability to behave appropriately. The child must understand that his failure in no way diminishes his personal merit. It is important that the adult learns to accept the child as he is, including all his achievements and failures.

In order to provide a child with psychological support, an adult should use those words that work to develop a positive self-esteem and a sense of adequacy in the child. During the day, adults have many opportunities to create in the child a sense of their own usefulness and adequacy. One way is to demonstrate to the child that he is satisfied with his accomplishments or efforts.

Another way is to teach your child how to cope with different tasks. This can be achieved by creating a “you can do it” attitude in the child. Even if the child is not quite successful in something, the adult should make it clear to him that his feelings towards the child have not changed. The following statements may be useful: “I was very pleased to watch what was happening!”, “Even if something did not happen the way you wanted, it was a good lesson”, “We are all human and we all make mistakes; correcting your mistakes, you learn. "

In this way, the adult will learn to help the child achieve self-confidence. As one parent put it, this is like vaccinating a child against failure and unhappiness. The central role in the development of a child's self-confidence is played, as already noted, by the faith in him of parents and teachers. The parent must show the child that he is an important member of the family and means more to her than all the problems associated with him; teacher - that the child is a necessary and respected member of the group, class.

Adults often focus on past failures and use them against the child. Examples of such assessments are statements such as: "When you had a dog, you forgot to feed it, when you studied music, you dropped out after 4 weeks, so I don't think it makes sense for you to take up dancing now." This emphasis on the past can make the child feel persecuted. The child may decide, "There is no way to change my reputation, so let them consider me bad." An adult can show his faith in a child in the following ways:

Forget about the child's past failures;

Help the child gain confidence that he will cope with this task;

Allowing the child to start from scratch, relying on the fact that adults believe in him, in his ability to achieve success;

Remember past successes and return to them, and not to mistakes.

It is very important to take care to create a situation with guaranteed success for the child. Perhaps this will require the adult to slightly change the requirements for the child, but it's worth it. For example, creating a situation that helps the student choose tasks that he, from the point of view of the teacher, is able to cope with, and then give him the opportunity to demonstrate his success to the class and parents. Success breeds success and builds self-confidence in both the child and the adult. In order to support a child, you must:

Rely on the strengths of the child, avoid highlighting his mistakes;

Demonstrate your love and respect, show that you are proud of your child;

Spend more time with your child, bring humor into your relationship;

Be able to interact, let the child solve some problems himself;

Avoid disciplinary punishment, accept the individuality of the child;

Show faith in the child, empathy, demonstrate optimism;

If the child does not cope with the task, you can break the task into smaller parts with which he will be able to cope.

Certain words and phrases of adults support the child, for example: "Knowing you, I am sure that you will do everything well", "You do it very well." There are words and phrases - "destroyers" that deprive the child of faith in themselves: "You could do it much better", "This idea can never be realized", "It's too difficult for you, so I'll do it myself." ...

Adults often confuse support with praise and reward. Praise may or may not be support. For example, praise that is too generous may seem disingenuous to a child. Otherwise, she can support a child who fears that he does not meet the expectations of adults. Psychological support is based on helping the child feel "needed". The difference between support and reward is determined by time and effect. A reward is usually given to a child for doing something very well, or for some of his achievements in a certain period of time.

Support, as opposed to praise, can come with any attempt or little progress. When adults express pleasure in what the child is doing, it supports him and encourages him to continue or try again. You can support your child in the following ways:

In separate words ("beautiful", "great", "forward", "continue");

Statements (“I'm proud of you”, “everything is going great”, “good, well done”, “I'm glad you tried it”, “next time it will turn out even better”);

By touching (pat on the shoulder, touch the hand, pat on the head, bring your face closer to his face, hug him);

Joint actions, physical complicity (being close to the child, walking, playing with him, listening to him, holding his hand);

Facial expression (smile, wink, nod, laugh).

To create a full-fledged, trusting relationship with a child, an adult must be able to communicate effectively with him. Communication is a verbal and non-verbal process of transferring feelings, attitudes, facts, statements, opinions and ideas between people. If adults strive to create relationships that are satisfying for them and their child, they must learn to communicate effectively, responsibly. A psychologist can recommend to parents some rules for effective communication between an adult and a child.

1. Talk to your child in a friendly, respectful manner. In order to influence the child, you must learn to contain your criticism and see the positive side of communication with the child. The tone in which you address your child should show respect for him as a person.

2. Be firm and kind at the same time. Once you have chosen a course of action, you should not hesitate. Be friendly and don't act as a judge.

3. Reduce control. Excessive control over children rarely leads to success. Calm, reflective planning of the course of action turns out to be more effective.

4. Support your child by acknowledging their efforts and accomplishments, and by showing that you understand their experiences when things are not going well. Unlike a reward, support is needed even when the child is not successful.

5. Have courage. Behavior change takes practice and patience. If some approach turns out to be not very successful, there is no need to despair: you should stop and analyze the feelings and actions of the child, as well as your own.

6. Show mutual respect. Educators and parents should demonstrate trust, confidence in the child and respect for him as a person.

Disharmonious upbringing occurs when parent-child relationships are wrongly chosen, with a low level of emotional acceptance of the child, emotional rejection, and lack of mutual understanding.
(see parenting correctly)

Choosing a middle ground, harmony in the upbringing process, correct parent-child relationships is a very difficult, difficult task for parents (especially in incomplete or renewed families). But, nevertheless, parents must not overdo it (for example, too strict control over the child, just as not beneficial, negatively affects the children, as well as complete connivance).

A brief description of the most common types of disharmonious upbringing and violation of parent-child relationships

Hypoprotection in parent-child relationships

characterized by a lack of care and attention, guardianship and control, interest in the child and satisfaction of his needs.
Explicit emotional rejection of the child acts as a variant of upbringing like Cinderella. Lack of interest, care, responsibility and control of the child's behavior is due to the child's emotional rejection and
attributing negative traits to his personality. Rejection is characterized by rejection of the emotional characteristics of the child, his feelings and experiences.

The parent tries to "improve" the child by using
strict control and sanctions, imposes on the child a certain type of behavior as the only correct and possible (V.I. Garbuzov).

Pure hypoprotection is characterized by the failure to meet the needs of the child and the lack of control. Failure to meet needs can border on the option of neglect, when even vital, that is, vital (food, clothing, housing) needs are not satisfied.

Latent hypoprotection is defined by a low level of protection during formal care of the child. The parent, it would seem, is interested in the child, but in reality only his vital (food, clothing, housing) needs are usually satisfied. There is no cooperation, joint activity, active meaningful forms of communication, there is no genuine interest and care for the child. Requirements are made, but control over their implementation is not provided. Quite often, hidden hypoprotection hides an unconscious emotional rejection of the child.

Perfectionism is a rationally substantiated hypoprotection. For example, a child is not worthy of love and care, because he does not fulfill any obligations, and therefore must be punished. Perfectionism is based on distortion of the child's image and emotional rejection.

Permissive hypoprotection is characterized by a low level of acceptance of the child against the background of indulgence and permissiveness, when the parents seek to satisfy any wishes of the child. Children in such a family, as a rule, are spoiled, but, unlike a family with hyperprotection, they are deprived of parental love. They try to avoid communicating with the child in every possible way, buying off material goods and gifts, for example, sending him to an expensive prestigious camp for the whole summer.

Parents in relation to the child behave coldly and detached, avoid physical contact, seek to protect the child from establishing close ties with other people, isolate. At the heart of conniving hypoprotection
lies the guilt of the parent for the lack of true love for the child. Often this goes to the other extreme, and the child becomes the target of aggression, which leads to the transformation of conniving hypoprotection into abuse.

Compensatory overprotection. It is based on hypo-care (there is no genuine interest, there are elements of emotional rejection). If, in the case of a condone hypoor, compensation is made at the expense of
fulfillment of the child's desires, but here - due to increased care. The child is constantly in the spotlight, the level of anxiety of parents in connection with the child's health or the fear that something will happen to the child is high.

Hyper-care and parent-child relationships

- characterized by excessive parental care, an overestimated level of protection. The basis of hyperprotection (over and above care, guardianship) can be both love for a child and an ambivalent (different) attitude towards him. In some cases, hyperprotection can be combined with emotional rejection of the child. Hyper-care
may be due to the dominance (superiority) of the motive of emotional contact with the child. Then the exaggerated concern for him expresses the parent's acute need for emotional relationships and the fear of loneliness. Quite often, the cause of overprotection is the phobia of loss, the fear of losing a child, anxious expectation of possible unhappiness.

Conniving overprotection in parenting

Upbringing as a family idol: unconditional emotional acceptance of the child, symbiotic relationship with the child. The child is the center of the family, his interests are priority, the satisfaction of any child's needs is excessive, there are no requirements, prohibitions, control and sanctions. There are only rewards, but, in no way connected with the real achievements of the child, they lose their developmental productive value. The cult of the child is often carried out to the detriment of the rest of the family.

Dominant hyperprotection in a relationship with a child

It can be based on both emotional acceptance of the child and his rejection or ambivalent (different) attitude. The authoritarianism (dictatorship) of parents with this type of upbringing, which is quite widespread in our culture, determines the excessive demands, the desire to control both the feelings and thoughts of the child, an attempt to structure relations with the child according to the “I have power” type.

The dictate and dominance of the parent appear in the form of categorical, directive and categorical judgments, in an effort to establish unlimited power over the child, to achieve his complete and unquestioning obedience. One of the reasons for parental dominance (power) is distrust of the child, the belief that he himself will not be able to cope with any of life's difficulties, that he is incapable of independent action and needs guidance and control. The dominant hyperprotection is typical for the upbringing of preschool and younger children.
school age. Quite often, a small child is brought up according to the type of indulgence, and when he grows up, overprotection becomes dominant (dominant) and, in adolescence, is replaced by hypo care (practically lack of care).

Compensatory overprotection in the educational process

In fact, it can be equated with hypo-care in terms of meeting the child's needs for love, acceptance, meaningful cooperation and cooperation. At the same time, the parent protects the child from educational influences from the social environment, seeks to compensate for the lack of love with an excess of gifts and material values.

Non-maternal hyperprotection (from the grandmother's side) is usually conniving, but sometimes it can take on a dominant form.

Mixed overprotection is a transition from hyper to hypopeaking, which takes on latent forms.

Controversial parenting

The contradictory upbringing of the child may be due to the implementation of different members
families of different types of upbringing at the same time or a change in upbringing patterns as the child grows up.

Inconsistency acts as the incompatibility and mutual exclusion of educational strategies and tactics used in the family in relation to one child. In some cases, a contradictory upbringing takes the form of a conflict.

The reasons for the contradictory upbringing can be the parent's upbringing uncertainty, the low degree of his psychological and pedagogical competence, normative and non-normative family crises, for example, in connection with the birth of another child in the family or divorce. Often, the inconsistency of upbringing turns out to be due to the large number of adults involved in the process of raising a child, who do not want and cannot reflect (look at themselves from the outside) and coordinate their educational approaches.

Uneven parenting

can manifest itself in a deficit of emotional communication between a parent and a child at an early age and an "overabundance" of emotional contact at an older age.

A special case of contradictory upbringing is the so-called "pendulum" upbringing, in which prohibitions are lifted without proper reasons and explanations and then again, just as unexpectedly and unreasonably, are restored.

Contradictory parenting leads to the formation of an anxious type of attachment in the child, a distortion in the development of the self-concept (self-understanding), an increase in personal anxiety, self-doubt and low self-acceptance.

Upbringing by the type of increased moral responsibility

Differs in the excessiveness of the requirements for the child. For various reasons, requirements are presented to the child that do not correspond to his age and individual characteristics. This gap is favorable for a breakthrough in personal development, but if there is no meaningful help from the parents, then, in combination with severe sanctions, this type of upbringing can cause the child to become neurotic.

Children brought up in an atmosphere of increased moral responsibility are very obligatory, hypersocial (too focused on society), but prone to neurotization (mental problems) and somatization (bodily problems) of psychological problems, to high anxiety.

The reasons for this variant of the distortion of the type of family education may be: delegation (transfer); distortion of the child's cognitive image (attribution of greater capabilities than those that
the child really possesses); objective conditions of the social situation of development (the father left the family, the mother earns a living, the older child is responsible for the younger ones and household chores).

Hyper-socializing child parenting

It is expressed in the parent's anxious and suspicious concentration on the child's social status, his successes and achievements, the attitude of his peers to him and the place occupied in the group; on the state of health of the child without taking into account his real psychophysical characteristics, capabilities and limitations.

A parent shows excessive adherence to principles in relations with a child, not taking into account his age-psychological and individual-personal characteristics, he puts the principle of duty, responsibility, social obligations, norms and rules at the forefront.

For this type of upbringing, stereotyped, predetermined educational schemes and methods are inherent, without taking into account the real situations of interaction and the characteristics of the child. In relations with children, the parent reveals anxiety, suspiciousness and insecurity, which most directly affects the personality of the child.

Child Abuse in Parent-Child Relationships

Upbringing by the type of abuse (ranging from severe physical punishment and ending with emotional rejection of the child, lack of warmth, love, acceptance, coldness and distance of the guardian), is characterized by the use by the parent of the widest range of punishments with an almost complete absence of rewards, disproportionate offense of the child and the severity of punishment, impulsive (not out of the blue) hostility of the parent.

As a rule, the child plays the role of a "scapegoat", "family shame" in the family. The child's image is distorted by the parent, in accordance with the mechanisms of projection and rationalization (Read the protection of the psyche), all kinds of vices and shortcomings, pathological aggressiveness, deceit, depravity, selfishness, etc. are attributed to him.

Raising a child in the cult of disease

It is a specific type of disharmonious family upbringing, characterized by imposing on the child the role of a “sick family member”, creating a special atmosphere. Treating a child as a sick, weak, helpless leads to his awareness of his exclusiveness, the development of passivity, weakness, permissiveness, to the difficulties of volitional behavior, selfishness and demonstrativeness. (See character) The child plays a pathologizing role in the family as a "sick family member."

Upbringing outside the family

Upbringing in children's institutions (orphanages, orphanages, boarding schools, with distant relatives) has a particularly adverse effect on the mental development of children.

Deprivation of the family at an early age leads to irreversible or difficult to correct (recoverable) violations in the formation of attachment and autonomy of the individual and basic trust in the world.

The most striking consequences upbringing outside the family disorders of the emotional sphere (fears, anxiety, depression, difficulties of empathy (sympathy)), disorders of personal and mental development, high aggression, cruelty and the formation of deviant, i.e. deviating from the norm, and delinquent, going beyond the limits of legal norms, behavior.
(See Child Personality)

Inadequate types of maternal attitudes towards children are also of considerable interest.

1. The relationship of a mother to her son according to a substitute type. The role of a spouse is attributed to the son. Relationships in a dyad (in a pair) are built on the type of seeking support, shifting the responsibility and care of the mother onto the shoulders of her son. The role of the head of the family is imposed on the son, the need to take care of the mother. This happens in both incomplete and complete families. In full - in the case of a mother-son coalition, when the mother is unhappy with the way the spouse is fulfilling his role. In the father-daughter dyad, the attitude of the father to his daughter as to the mistress of the house does not provoke distortions of the type of family upbringing. This type of upbringing can rather be viewed as upbringing according to the type of increased moral responsibility, since the father does not pretend to be exclusive of his daughter's attention.

2. Symbiotic (one whole) relationship between mother and child, characterized by overprotection and a low degree of emotional differentiation (separation). It can be both conniving and dominant (dominant), but the main feature of the symbiotic relationship is that parent and child are not separated in the mother's mind, they represent a single whole. This is very bad in adolescence because
symbiosis prevents a teenager from establishing contacts with peers.

3. Deprivation of parental love. The parent's love is used as a tool to manipulate the child, as a reward to be earned.

4. Upbringing through the actualization of guilt also poses a threat to the development of the child's personality, since it can stimulate the development of punishing self-awareness, low self-esteem and self-acceptance.

Parental behavior in parent-child relationships

There are nine options for parental behavior, depending on the severity of the personal and objective component of the parental attitude: strict, explanatory, autonomous, compromise, contributing, sympathetic, indulgent, situational and dependent parent.

In each of the above options, either the personal (love, sympathy, empathy for the child) or the objective (requirements, control, assessment of the child's qualities) component of the parental attitude prevails.

Explanatory- uses the strategy of explanations in education, focusing on the child as an equal partner.

Autonomous- encourages independence and
independence of the child, giving him the opportunity to find solutions to problems on his own.

Compromise- adheres to tactics in education
equivalent exchange. By offering the child an unattractive task or
assignment, he seeks to "balance" it with a reward, to take into account the interests, needs and hobbies of the child.

Promoting sensitive to both the needs and the needs of the child, always ready to help him, focused on equal cooperation, gives the child a chance to cope with the problem on his own where possible.

Sympathetic- is sensitive (sensitive) to the emotional state of the child and his needs, sympathizes with him and empathizes with him. However, he does not provide real help, does not take concrete actions aimed at solving the problem.

Indulgent- puts the interests of the child ahead of his own interests and the interests of the family. I am ready to sacrifice everything, just to satisfy the needs of the child, even to the detriment of myself.

Situational- changes his behavior, requirements, prohibitions, control and assessment of the child, depending on the specific situation. The upbringing system is quite labile and changeable.

Finally, dependent the parent does not have his own opinion in matters of raising children, he is used to relying on authorities. In case of failures and difficulties in parent-child relations, he appeals to teachers, his own parents, psychologists, is inclined to read psychological and pedagogical literature and hopes to find answers to his questions there.

Types of communication disorders in parent-child relationships and in raising children

There are four types of families with communication disorders: family that traumatizes children, obsessive, deceitful and inconsistent.

The first imposes on the child a pathologizing (painful) role as additional to the role of victim or aggressor, with which the parent identifies (identifies) himself,
survivor of child abuse.

Obsessive the family exercises constant and obsessive control over the child, which makes him feel embarrassed, shame and anger; giving rise to an atmosphere of hypocrisy and falsehood. The deceiving family practices double standards, the constant use of which leads to the child's loss of a sense of reality and depersonalization, to alienation. In an inconsistent, unreliable family, the child feels insecure and threatened.

Parenting

Each parent should begin the upbringing of their children, and indeed parent-child relationships, with self-education, revision of their life positions, worldview, self-awareness and life values.

Only with this approach can you make the right choice in the style of raising a child and his further development.

It must be remembered that upbringing begins from infancy. And by the age of five or seven, a person's life scenario will have already been written. And by the age of 12-14, the character will be formed.

And what this scenario will be ("loser" or "winner"), and what the character will be, respectively, what the personality itself will be, depends on you, dear parents. Let me remind you that parents have a high responsibility, both to the person being brought up in particular, and to society as a whole, for what this person will be like ...

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