The main mistakes that mother and daughter make in relation to each other. Women's identity. Crisis and competition with mother

24.05.2019

Criticism from below rests on the belt.

G. Malkin

Perhaps you know what the Oedipus complex is. I repeat: this is an unconscious attraction to a parent of the opposite sex. It happens at an early age, then it is forced out.

When a girl is still small and sees that her parents show tenderness, attention to each other, hug, kiss in front of her eyes, then jealousy appears in her heart. She herself, of course, does not realize this.

Often, little girls behave in such a way as to fit between hugging parents, “turn the arrows” on themselves, and attract attention to themselves. For example, parents watch TV: mother sits next to father, put her head on his shoulder, or he hugs her shoulders, or they just sit, touching each other, clasping their hands. She immediately climbs onto her father's knees or deliberately scatters toys, drops something. She needs attention. This is jealousy!

As the girl grows, jealous feelings may grow in her heart, but she is still unaware of them. It happens that the daughter plots all sorts of intrigues for her mother, and the poor mother cannot understand why she suddenly snaps, is capricious, starts scandals, announces a boycott to her. Moreover, a girl can be angry with her father: why does he pay attention to his mother, and not pay attention to her! And this can continue throughout adolescence. The girl herself does not understand that she is competing with her mother for her father's attention.

When family battles occur between father and mother, the daughter most often takes the side of the father. This is the first manifestation of female rivalry.

Keep in mind, you will often face female rivalry as you grow up!

When the daughter grows up and she has a boyfriend, then the mother begins to compete with her daughter. After all, if a girl has a boyfriend, it means that she is no longer a child, it means that her mother is getting old, which means that the girl will soon become a girl, a woman. What about mom? Mom becomes the mother of an adult daughter, in the near future - a grandmother, that is, almost an old woman, and it hurts her to realize this. What woman doesn't want to be liked by men? A real woman wants! Nobody wants to get old.

Realizing that the daughter has grown up, that she has her own life, the mother begins to behave nervously, and the daughter does not understand the sudden changes in her mother's mood, she is surprised and offended by her unreasonable nit-picking and remarks.

Yes, in many ways it is jealousy for a stranger who, as it seems to the mother, takes away her daughter and claims her time, her thoughts, her love. Indeed, a girl in love spends less time at home, communicates less with her mother, even if they have a wonderful relationship. The daughter is all in love, it does not occur to her that the mother may feel abandoned, that she simply lacks communication.

And so begins the jealous game between mother and daughter. Moreover, neither one nor the other is aware of the reasons why they are annoyed with each other. More often, the mother is the provocateur of scandals. She picks on her daughter: “Why are you wearing such a short skirt? Why did you dye your hair? Why did you come late? Why are you dating this guy? Yes, he is not worth your little finger!

All this is an unconscious maternal jealousy. Mom (without realizing it herself) wants to return her daughter to her former (childish) state, when she (mother) could command, prohibit or allow something. And my daughter is already big! - she herself knows how to dress, chooses gentlemen and solves many issues on her own. And mom so wants to participate in the life of her daughter! But the daughter pushes her aside, is secretive, spends a lot of time with her boyfriend and does not tell her mother anything.

Many of my patients admitted that they never discussed their relationship with the stronger sex with their mother. Only a small number of mothers will understand the daughter's revelations correctly. Most likely, he will grumble: “Yes, what do you allow yourself! Yes, I am at your age! Who wants to hear these notations? Here the girls are hiding.

Jealousy is not the only mechanism underlying the deteriorating relationship between mother and teenage daughter. There are much more complex psychological mechanisms here.

The "incomprehensible" mood swings of the mother - either "attacks" of love, or periods of cooling, and in general - the conflict development of relations between mother and daughter, can be explained by a phenomenon called "intrauterine confrontation".

American psychologists have found that 95% of women subconsciously want a son. In particular, scientists have found that after the birth of a child, mothers are half as likely to pick up girls than boys. Of course, only on the basis of this sign alone, one cannot say that the conflict of the mother is connected precisely with this, but also with this too.

Despite the disagreements that often arise between mother and daughter, despite the difficult relationship that develops between them, there is a special inner closeness of these two creatures of the same sex. These relationships are often characterized by addiction: psychological, emotional and material - or the daughter's desperate resistance and her attempts to break free. A girl may leave home for a friend and live with her for a while, until her mother backs down or her friend's parents ask her to leave their house and return home. There are also escapes from the house, when the girl runs away into the unknown, gets into the first transport she comes across and leaves for another city. In this case, her fate can be dramatic.

When the "rebel" grows up, her desire to break free is realized in a more acceptable form. For example, a girl goes to live in a rented apartment or insists that she have her own living space.

The saddest thing is if, in order to break her dependence on her mother, a girl jumps out to marry the first person she meets, thereby crippling her own fate.

After graduating from school, many girls who want to break away from their mothers leave to study at higher educational institutions in other cities or look for work outside their hometown. By the way, in our country the percentage of girls who left their homes for distant lands is not very high - 18%, but in France this figure reaches 62%, in the UK - 76%.

Nature rests on the children of geniuses, and the children of geniuses rest on their parents. G. Malkin

Notes:

If you are interested, look into the dictionary of Brockhaus and Efron and read about the princes of Enikeev.

Repression (synonymous with repression, from the Latin repression - suppression) is a term often used in psychoanalysis. It means one of the mechanisms of psychological defense, characterized by the exclusion from consciousness of an unconscious impulse that causes mental stress and anxiety. Repression also includes the loss of the ability to reproduce any events that occurred in a state of affect (strong, short-term emotion).

“You know, I honestly think that when the Lord creates families, he just sticks his finger in the phone book, picks a group of people at random, and then says to them: “Hey! You will spend the next 70 years together, although you have nothing in common, and in general you do not like each other at all. And if you even for a second feel that these people are strangers to you, you will be ashamed. That's how I think. And you?"
Douglas Copeland "Generation X"

"... Mom never rejoices at my success, on the contrary, she becomes very annoyed, says that it won't last long anyway. I buy a new thing, my friends and husband approve, and my mother claims that it doesn't suit me. No matter what I do, she's always screwing up...

"... As a child, it seemed to me that my mother did not love me. Either I was too tall, then too thin and clumsy, then too shy - the list of complaints was endless. Now that I myself earn a living, it is still difficult for her please: she is pissed off by my career success, high salary, having more than one fan, the opportunity to travel to prestigious resorts twice a year. The flow of criticism against me seems to never dry up ... "

“I unsuccessfully try to understand what drives my mother when she tells my husband that until the age of 18 I was an ugly duckling, that I was teased as a “giraffe” at school. I admit, I got a physique, if not heroic, then certainly I recently bought amazing beads, I try them on in front of the mirror, my husband is delighted. Then my mother comes in, assesses the situation and gives out: “Now I know what a horse looks like, decorated for a wedding. The only thing missing is a hat with a crest "... My husband insists on moving to a separate apartment, and I agree with him - my mother's sarcastic remarks are already tired..."

Just don't say that you have never heard such revelations from your friends/relatives/acquaintances, unless you are, of course, from another planet. The above situations are nothing but a manifestation of maternal envy. To the success of her daughter, her family happiness, beautiful appearance, more docile character. And even if it doesn’t fit in your head that a loved one who gave life is capable of one of the deadly sins, the fact remains. At some point, the maternal instinct capitulates, it is replaced by another feeling - no less ancient and, alas, just as strong. Especially if the life of a parent was not a serene May day, and there are no special victories either on the personal front or on the professional one.

You should not try to close your eyes to the cruel truth and argue that "this cannot be, because it cannot be at all," and that mothers are not capable of this. Envy overcomes even the gods - at least, so the legend says. And if the celestials send illnesses and trials as a "reward" for simple human joys, what can we expect from earthly inhabitants? "Man is weak," Thomas Mann admitted and admitted, therefore, "nothing human is alien to him." And instead of acquiring complexes and signing up as chronic losers with a saying: "No one will ever love me, even if I annoy my own mother," let's first admit that it's all about my mother. So, by what signs to "calculate" maternal envy?

"All children are like children, but I got a miracle in feathers"

The first thing to remember firmly and firmly: maternal envy arises when a daughter has long crossed the teenage frontier and is able to perform actions herself that are like a sharp knife for a mother’s heart, although third-party contemplatives find them successful. And really, well, why be jealous when the daughter is two inches from the pot? Is that the notorious pot. Therefore, caustic phrases are intended for the ears of a mature personality: they hurt more painfully, because the child realizes their meaning, and the "caliber" of successes is more serious. Be wary if you regularly watch in the performance of your mother:

sharp criticism. With or without. Even those actions that you sincerely hoped to please her cause censure. And before you cry into the pillow, lamenting "Mom doesn't understand me," think about it - isn't he jealous? Keep in mind, envy has many faces, does not shun in any way - from a frontal attack to indirect manipulation. An example of a frontal attack: "Well, how stupid you are! I laid out half my salary for trousers in which you have a terribly fat butt!" And now indirect manipulation: “Today I was talking with a neighbor. She says: “Your Irochka recovered, she was heard in breadth. Maybe it seemed to me that I saw her recently in gray trousers - you have a girl with forms. "Needless to say, a loving mother would rather bite off her neighbor's head (if such a fact took place at all) than give offense to her little blood;
compassionate speeches from the category: "So much happiness did not fall to my lot, but you were lucky." And the continuation is implied - undeservedly. Of course, you are overwhelmed with guilt, you are trying to bring bright colors into the life of a parent, showering her with gifts and filling the refrigerator with delicacies. But she only mournfully folds her lips: "Why are you wasting money? It can be seen that you get it easily." And your torment continues, the guilt complex reaches gigantic proportions, and the truth is simple: a heart that is already occupied with envy is not able to contain joy;
dissatisfaction with your spouse. Usually this phenomenon is observed in families where the mother at her best time was a beauty, spoiled by the adoration of her father and the attention of men, and over time she turned into a former beauty, became a widow and lost her fans. During your youth, your mother voiced doubts aloud whether she would take married anyone a girl "with a huge nose and lop-eared"? And when a gentleman appeared on the threshold, she doubted his adequacy. Your happy marriage for her has become an apocalypse. But only a strong-willed person can admit to envy of his own child, so you have to listen to the fact that only "this loser / scoundrel / womanizer" could covet you (we remember about the nose and lop-earedness). The other side of the coin: the parent experienced a painful separation from her husband, raised the child alone, and as a result, became embittered at the whole wide world. And paradoxically, he does not want a better life for his daughter;
defiantly refusing your help. First, she calls and complains about a meager salary, about price increases and an old fur coat, and when you offer to solve all problems in one fell swoop and a few large bills, the following sounds: “No, thank you, don’t. I myself chose the profession of a teacher, so I will live on this "alms". But she was able to give you a good education so that you could work and get a decent salary. As they say, "who studied for what ..." As a result, you again have a "terry" neurosis and a guilt complex;
to put it mildly, a cool attitude towards grandchildren. According to your mom, you either spoil your kids or you don't do enough with them. In any case, in dealing with them, she prefers to confine herself to rare visits and gifts;
the desire to "debunk" your image of a happy wife and mother in the eyes of friends. To the words of your mother’s friend that you can only be happy for you (good job, loving husband, nice kids), mother turns sour on her face: “Yes, only there is no female happiness. It seems to me that her husband is cheating on her. She just doesn’t speak.”

Where does it come from

How could this disgusting feeling - envy - strike the very dear person? First, envy is a feeling of helplessness, it is characteristic of people who lack their own life. That is why she overwhelms women who, to one degree or another, feel their own inferiority. And in order to somehow assert themselves, they try to prolong the dependence of their child.

It is no secret that in all cultures and religions a respectful attitude to the mother is declared, her elevation to the rank of a shrine. This means that the daughter is obliged to silently endure any insinuations. And mom is satisfied at the thought that such a successful woman depends on her encouragement, pleases and is afraid to upset.

There is another reason: over the years, the child requires more and more freedom, and the adult child has the right to swim independently. But not every mother is ready to let go of the "reins" for the child, here you have both the fear of being alone and fears for the blood. That is why, as soon as the daughter fills a bump on her life path, the parent exclaims almost maliciously: "I warned you!" - they say, you would not climb into hell. However, if everything goes smoothly for a child, this frankly depresses the mother - her influence is weakening, she is almost not needed (in her opinion).

Take anti-measures

As much as it may seem that we have brought up a completely monstrous topic, the truth is this: only a small percentage of women can say that they have a loving mother. Psychologists assure that the problem of maternal envy is very extensive. It cannot be solved with the words “mom, stop envying me”, because, firstly, the parent does not recognize the “accusations”, and secondly, the daughter will until the last look for the causes of parental irritation in herself, not believing that mother could “be honored” for such. This means that you will have to take measures so as not to spoil the blood of yourself and your mother. Here we have to be guided by a modified proverb: "the less you know, the better you sleep." In a word, in order not to suffer from maternal envy, one should give fewer reasons for it. This will help:

Separate housing. Everything is reasonable: your successes, as well as the third suede bag of the season, do not hurt your eyes and heart so much.
Saving "shelter" of income, reducing the true cost of purchases and tourist trips.
Total non-discussion of your soulmate. If you speak badly about him - give your mother a reason to speak evil with neighbors and acquaintances, do not be stingy with praise - you will provoke a new attack of suffocating envy. If mom insists on this subject of conversation, limit yourself to facts: "We are fine, Vasya will be a little late - he must buy bread for dinner."
Ignoring mother's offensive remarks. Understand, the desire to sting is stronger than her. She's just an unfortunate weak woman, and that's all it is, not your supposedly crooked legs (according to her).
The ability to accept her for who she is. You should not start violent scenes a la "Hollywood drama" with the words: "You always envied me!" This is exactly the case when a bad peace is better than a good war. And any "disassembly" will only deepen the abyss between you. And if one adult woman lacks the wisdom to rejoice in the success of her daughter, then let another adult woman have the sense not to blame her for this.

And, finally, if you are lucky enough to give birth to a daughter, make every effort so that one day you do not become the heroine of the article "I envy my daughter" ...

Discussion

My mother tried to poison my life since childhood. She constantly cut off my relationships with girls so that there would be no girlfriends, constantly bought me clothes 4 times bigger than me, saying that I was about to become a fat cow, ridiculed my impulses to play the violin in every possible way, threw away all my drawings, was terribly afraid that I would have a boy, she told me all the time that I would rot from venereal diseases. I was very happy when I broke up with the first and second cohabitants. I always thought that she had schizophrenia, that's why she behaves like that, but then, when I got pregnant from my husband and my mother's face twisted from the news, she started screaming that I would get fat, I would definitely get fat, finally I would get fat and become ugly that she can buy me a cream for face shine, because all young people have a glowing face, but I, like an old aunt, do not, and that she will buy children's things, but not for my child, but for the children of my cousin, I realized that the person is jealous of me, that she is very worried that my life has turned out in the best way. I was scared, I realized that I did not want my grandchildren to watch this woman. My husband and I decided to leave for Moscow in order to see our beloved mother a maximum of once a year.
God forbid someone like that. This is scary. Girls, this is really scary and incomprehensible. As a mother of a daughter, I do not understand this behavior. I will give the last for my daughter, I pray every night that she has the best and the best. I will never understand my mother.

07/04/2017 13:50:16, Cherry30

And I am grateful to my mother. That's for the same. It made me stronger.
I wanted to earn her approval, and I tried to become better. And she became.
Everything is not simple, but who promised that the place where we are now is paradise? In our relationship, there was and is, and there will be something that seems unfair, but ... Do I agree that this should not happen? No! This is my native blood, this is my destiny, this is my mother.
Someone can cross out what the mother gave. Let. Mine gave me life.
Loving her means not only loving her virtues, but also her flaws.
And accept all her jealousy and envy, if only because she once accepted me and protected me from everything.
Even if it was a long time ago, even when I was very small, even if I don’t remember most of her care at all ... But without her, I would not have survived at all. Without her, I simply wouldn't exist.
She is my mother. And I won't judge her.

I considered myself guilty that I live better than them - mothers and older sisters. And they envied me, they say, and she got a good husband, and she lives better ... And there it is, it turns out ... I fixed everything myself, I thought that I was doing something wrong, wrong I communicate, I don’t share my happiness, but I should ... And now they completely got me with their problems “solve our problems, solve this, solve that, you live better than us, take your nephew to raise, give money for treatment, give money for this, for that, for the fifth, for a ticket, take your granddaughter (niece) to the Crimea ... They got it, to be honest. , I’m all a fool, scary, she’s just lucky, and why is she so terrible lucky in life, but we, such beauties, smart girls, aren’t? ... And I’m not a terrible normal, I’ll be prettier than others, because they were taller, they swaggered and considered me terrible ... Two fools, live in their #### in deep Siberia, they don’t want anything in my life, but they want me to come from a big city and they are ready She moved to her own, beautiful, as they believe, life.

As a result, I grew up with a wild complex. I kept looking for flaws in myself and didn’t understand how I could please. I couldn’t even allow the thought that my mother was jealous of me. words. She was not happy with any of our successes, gritting her teeth saying well done they say congratulations. She didn’t congratulate her husband on his birthday this year, although she came. She constantly says what we are
negligent parents. He then tells me that maybe she is jealous of us. I was even ashamed to think about it. where she lived, we had scandals again before the divorce. We argue with him, we don’t recognize ourselves. God, how it hurts. We have nothing to envy. Everything constantly breaks down. We can’t buy a house in any way. suffocate ((((

Such mothers need to be treated, they poison the lives of not only daughters and sons-in-law, but also grandchildren. And the daughter's mother will never become "more mature" due to physiology.

Such relationships had to be observed in the families of girlfriends. Conflicts, resentment, mutual hostility. Questions why??? did not find an answer. I had to listen to such stories! The constant search for guilt. And no one dares to think about such a motive as envy. Mother is dear!
But, growing up in such a family, unloved children very often repeat the history of their parents.
Thanks for the good article.

Great article. Many thanks to the author.
It is very wise and instructive that only successful children of such parents are mentioned in the article, but there are many more destroyed and destroyed and how no one will give them advice for the unfortunate, often it is impossible to leave (there is nowhere or care is required for relatives) and there are already ways to live not left (which were destroyed, but there are no new forces and opportunities). It is a pity that this topic of conversation will not work, there would be real help, and not just prevention.

Very wise, therapeutic article, thank you very much. I will re-read when I lack wisdom. Mom's words always hurt me, cause a feeling of guilt, but as a rule I behave as if nothing bad was said to me, but sometimes it is difficult.

Great article! Thanks to the author, it helped a lot. My relationship with my mother never worked out ... At first I looked for the reason in myself, I earned a bunch of complexes and a feeling of guilt. Then she moved away as much as possible so as not to experience disappointment from communication every time. Even my successful marriage and the birth of twins did not change the situation for the better. And then I accidentally stumbled upon your article - and it dawned on me! It's all about me and my mom! When I lived with her, there was not a day without criticism - and I dressed wrong, and I didn’t know how to behave, and no one will communicate with me, because I’m not smart and interesting enough ... And success is a matter of course , will never praise, not to mention that she was glad. This is despite the fact that I am a chronic honors student, a medalist, with two languages, a musical education, a successful career, and now also with a prosperous family with two wonderful children! In general, not a fool and not ugly. The absurdity reached the point that she "pityed" me in every possible way for my 1st breast size, each time emphasizing her 3rd ... What it's like to hear a teenager at 16 is not worth explaining, a direct road to a psychologist ... But it turned out everything is very simple - it turns out she is jealous of me! And I understood why. I am the first and beloved granddaughter in the family, my grandfather was crazy about me. I spoiled mercilessly, since there was an opportunity - gifts, toys, clothes ... For all my childhood I can’t remember anything that I really wanted and didn’t have. This is while I lived with my grandparents, up to 4.5 years. And with my mother, a real nightmare began ... Solid bans, NO gifts / toys, in high school I didn’t even buy clothes - I gave away my old ... But it turns out - she just really wanted to be in my place. She is the eldest daughter in the family, she was born when her dad - my grandfather was 28 years old. And I really wanted him to love her as much as he loved me. And he loved his youngest daughter more, and then his granddaughter, so that my mother didn’t get much ... So I had to “pay” for her “dislike”. This is really a reason for jealousy - to see how what you most wanted in life easily goes to someone else. It’s really strange that in her 50s she never found a way to understand herself ... And the symptoms are all the same as in the article - visiting her grandchildren once a month she manages to reproach me for both pampering me too much and not enough I’m doing it ... After reading the article with pleasure, I experienced two feelings in relation to my mother - relief that it’s not all my fault, and pity that she never found a way to herself ...

04/13/2010 02:02:05 PM, Katty17

And sometimes it’s the other way around. A daughter is jealous of her mother because her husband (her father) supports her and takes her to rest, new clothes and even manicures and pedicures. We gave her everything we could, good schools, she lived in Germany for a year on an exchange (she really wanted to) , graduated from a foreign language, trained in Italy and Germany. And now she has given birth and does not even let her granddaughter, she proves her independence. Very disappointing.

03/05/2010 17:36:16, reading

Poor children of such mothers. And great respect to them if they did not acquire a bunch of inferiority complexes and complete failures for them, but managed to arrange a brilliant life, contrary to the "loving mom"

Comment on the article "Maternal envy"

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Discussion

And I envy all those who have children.
And to all those who have adopted children.
And to all those who have many children.

I envy myself: finally, I don’t work, the children were given to us (everything turned out miraculously, but it might not have worked out), my husband got used to the role of a father of many children, my parents accepted our children (I had great doubts about this) and they are very supportive, our cat is cool, although #### - since childhood I dreamed of a red cat, the children were successfully placed in the room, they still have a lot of space left, there is where to look like on the ears. The eldest son is my separate joy, for which we have such a gift, I don’t know, but I feel gratitude every day. And we have amazing friends, this is also a great success in life.
Now I dream of my own house and a Maine Coon in it))).
In terms of light envy, I am separately happy and really want to join two categories of people: 1. who have schools, clubs, etc. within walking distance (my friend from Belgorod 15 minutes by bus is very far, and my children are an hour before schools, an hour back, there is a school and closer, 20 minutes on foot, syringes around and the corresponding contingent) and 2. who does not live with inadequate relatives (we now live alone, but it is likely that a strongly inadequate relative who is nervous winds much cooler than three foster boys of adolescence).
Well, specifically now I would like to recover, otherwise I don’t have the strength for anything, but I have to deal with the children. And my head is a cast-iron jug. And clean up our room, for the mess is weighing on my psyche.
And I really want to go to the sea, we didn’t have time this year. But the children were taken away.
And we'll buy the rest, as my dad says.

I don’t know what to do with myself. Envy of my sister overcame me. I envy her with terrible force. She gave birth to a child a week ago and he is so pretty ...

My blog - my thoughts). In a previous post, I wrote that a driving school would help raise my self-esteem and this raised a lot of questions. Well, yes, I think so, because when you do something yourself, it cannot but affect your life. And having received a test, well, does a person really not feel some kind of strange euphoria and pride in his beloved in front of those who did not pass. Well, yes, it may sound somehow cruel, but that's how we humans are arranged. After all, even the personal life of a brother or sister makes us jealous ...

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I'm happy! And this is indecent. How this fact infuriates my colleagues! For the failures of their colorless personal life, I, apparently, must bear the answer. I'm happy! I cause envy. How strange it is - I can’t say ... But you can’t force your mouth not to smile, And happy eyes shine! I'm happy! I am subject to assessment From all sides and criticism of someone else. Like schoolgirls at every break, Whispering behind my back. I'm happy! I am a white crow In a dull flock, a club of ex-wives. I'm out of bounds, I'm outside the law...

How to deal with the envy of colleagues at work? The fact is that we have a lot of single women in our team. And from this point of view, I am very prosperous - a caring husband, two children, life is arranged. It is impossible to explain that a family is also a lot of responsibilities.

Discussion

don't fight jealousy, fight pride

my well-being is just very striking. a simple example is that my husband loves to cook and often collects food for me at work, such as some wonderful salads with exotic ingredients. I won’t hide from people with food or take pasta to work or something simpler not to be different from the majority

The development is different, depending on the type of envy. If envy is black, then it’s bad, but if envy is good, then everything is ok.

Discussion

Of course, maybe if she forgets that she is a mother, and not a rival in anything. Prediction: there they will compete until they get bored.

My mother is also very jealous of me. She hates her father very much, rots him, and before I left them to live separately, she rotted me. But even now he wants me not to get married, so that there is no money, so that I lose all my property. But! Remember! The main thing is not to be angry, because she wants and thinks so much about you, the main thing is to think, wish and say, good mother to you, happiness, let everything be fine with you, with money, with love, in the family. And then her anger and bad wishes fight off your kindness and go straight to her. When I realized this, everything fell into place: she was kicked out of work, her dad left her to live separately, she didn’t have a penny. But it’s the other way around for me, I’m expecting a child, my beloved is nearby, we live in a house, before that I earned money and managed to buy two apartments, rent them out and live happily. We are all different people: there are bright souls, there are dark ones. The main thing is to avoid dark people. Speaking of the word: dark people (these are usually brunettes and brunettes with brown eyes, although there are exceptions). Good luck to you, heal your souls and you will be calm for the future of your children.

06/13/2011 21:39:01, Zlata90

What mother doesn't want her daughter to have a happy life?

But it often turns out that the relationship between a mother and a teenage daughter turns into a real competitive struggle.

What are they fighting for and who will win this fight, we asked the psychologist, coach, relationship expert Marina Khmelovskaya.

Our reader is concerned about her relationship with her teenage daughter, which she describes as competitive. Here is a quote from her letter: “I am developing (alas, only now) as a sexually attractive woman. My daughter is already at the age when she develops her girlish qualities. My husband, like a man, compliments me. And, like a dad, he compliments his daughter: “My beautiful daughter.” My daughter sees me as a competitor. How to live this period, how to behave, how to cope with your resentment?

Do cases where mother and daughter compete with each other really take place in families?

Alas, the topic of competition between mother and daughter is not such a rarity in society. Growing, maturing daughters often become the object of attention from men against the backdrop of fading mothers, even if they are attractive. And if the mothers themselves did not receive enough love and wisdom in their time, this alignment can lead to direct competition. How can one not recall the story "Nuncha" from "Tales of Italy" by Maxim Gorky. The bright woman Nuncha cannot survive the fact that her daughter Nina "bypasses" her.

“As a mother, she was proud of her daughter's beauty, as a woman, Nuncha could not help but envy her youth; Nina stood between her and the sun - it was a shame for her mother to live in the shade, ”is written in this story. Gorky is extremely juicy about the relationship between two women. But, as you understand, this does not lead to anything good. Lacking the necessary wisdom, Nuncha offers his daughter a competition - running a race through the streets of the city, and, it would seem, wins it. Nina falls exhausted, and Nuncha pulls forward and ... dies of a broken heart.

In my opinion, the conclusions here are obvious. Parents have no other way but to help their children become stars, and not prevent them from doing so. Of course, this is only possible when the parent sees a continuation in his child.

The absence of such a vision indicates that this person has serious problems. What are these problems and in what cases does the mother begin to compete with her daughter? Often mothers are drawn into the process of competition with their own daughters, who for many years did not pay due attention to themselves, did not take care of their body, their needs, desires. They lived only for the interests of their children and families. Children grow up, and the woman finally begins to realize how much she has lost, she is overwhelmed by the feeling that she did not have time to enjoy her youth, that life has passed her by. And then she begins to look younger, dress out of age, demand increased attention, compliments, gifts, showing with all her behavior, now I am the main one in the family, I have taken care of you for many years, now please repay your debts. Annoyed at a beautiful and successful daughter, in fact, the mother is angry at herself, that she cannot be as happy.

The teenager simply enhances the processes that are in the mother. Motherhood is work. People start to compete when they stop learning from each other. Teaching in a pair of "mother - daughter" is the prerogative of the mother. If she stopped teaching her child, passing on female experience, skills, then she lost interest in herself. But the habit of being in contact remained, and now they make this contact through competition. competition in the family begins where there is no strong unifying factor, so it is important to create it. How does this competition manifest itself? Competition from two women can manifest itself in different ways: to whom dad gave more compliments, to whom he gave what gift, who dressed more beautifully, with whom dad spent more time, what opinion he listened to more. If the daughter competes with her mother, then this fits into the process of development and formation of a teenager. It's just that parents need to build the right model of interaction between all family members.

What role does dad play in the competition between mother and daughter? The best thing a dad can do is not take sides. And keep a balance in the distribution of attention. If he complimented his daughter, then he gave flowers to his mother. If he gave a gift to his daughter, then he gave his mother a compliment or helped. It is important for him to make it clear that both women are valuable. If the daughter perceives her mother as a competitor and fights for the attention of her father, then in every possible way you need to let her know that she is loved and appreciated. I recommend that dad compliments a teenager with mom. And mother, in turn, support and join her husband's compliments, praise her daughter. If a conflict between mother and daughter is already ripe, then dad should not interfere. “First, you will sort it out among yourselves, agree, then come to me and we will discuss our joint leisure time,” the head of the family should have answered something like this.

Competition in the family begins where there is no strong unifying factor, so it is important to create it. For example, introduce family traditions - going on picnics, community work days, joint dinners, games. It is very important to find some common cause for the whole family and direct all the energy there - helping the poor, raising charitable funds, volunteering in various projects. In the letter, the reader asked a question, how should she be. How to deal with a daughter who is in competition with her mother, and how to deal with her own competition?

It is worth remembering that adolescence is a period of separation, when the child wants to be considered as an adult. And if parents ignore this need, then he steps on the warpath, proving his adulthood. Therefore, we recommend parents to listen in every possible way to the opinion of their teenage child, give him freedom of choice within reasonable limits and develop the skill of being independent.

“No one asks you”, “You are still too young to have your own opinion”, “You will live with mine, then we will see” - one often hears such phrases from parents.

Replace them with: “It is important for me to hear what you think about this”, “You have an interesting view on this issue. Although my life experience suggests that it happens differently, "" I will accept any of your decisions, if it does not harm your health, does not go against the law and moral standards."

If the problem is in the mother, then you need to contact a psychologist. It is important to identify the reasons for such behavior, to help an adult woman become aware of them and find a resource within herself to cope with this situation. It is urgent to take up self-acceptance, your development, shift your focus of attention from this struggle to yourself. Honestly ask yourself questions: “What does my daughter have that I don’t have? How can I compensate for this by working on myself, and not fighting with my daughter?

Tatyana Koryakina

Very often conflict situations occur between a mother and an adult daughter. Some people talk about the current situation, complaining about insults to their girlfriends. And others do not take dirty linen out of the hut and in public pretend that everything is fine and peace and tranquility reign in the family.

Paper takes everything...

There are situations when the daughter is in such conflict with the mother that she literally annoys her. And for a quarrel even a reason is not required. Any little thing becomes a cause of resentment. In this case, the mother plays the role of a lightning rod. She becomes to blame for literally all the troubles and troubles.

A similar situation, according to psychologists, stretches from childhood. Initially, this is excessive advice and lack of mutual understanding. Further, a keen desire to receive praise, support, sympathy and pride of the mother, which is not satisfied in any way. Naturally, the best option would be a complete removal and abstraction from such an attitude. However, every person has an urgent need to love their parents. And she cannot disappear, even if she really wants to.

To smooth the situation, psychologists recommend putting the problem on paper. You can write a letter to your mother, in which you state not only your dissatisfaction, but also your expectations. You can also say about how you love her, appreciate and wish to live in peace and harmony. My daughter is writing this letter for herself. It does not need to be given to the mother. It is written in order to recognize their need for parents and in communication with them.

The next psychological technique to take the conflict situation under control is the ability to feel compassion and gratitude for the mother. Realize the fact that you will not have another mother, that you love her, despite her shortcomings. Even when you feel angry, you need to understand that you are angry with a dear and close person who is trying to do everything in his power for you. Sometimes mom can and expresses her thoughts sharply and not in the way you would like. But perhaps her actions speak of good intentions. It is necessary to try to feel gratitude for her help and close your eyes to sharp statements.

Shifting blame from adult daughter to mother and vice versa

There is such a thing: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter has her own life, with victories and defeats, which has various reasons for dissatisfaction. This is a profession chosen incorrectly, lack of financial resources and possibly a failed personal life.

If the daughter does not have a beloved man, then subconsciously she blames her mother for this. And if there are relationships, but they are unstable and full of difficulties, then the mother is also to blame. Even in the presence of a husband, it is the mother who plays the role of a lightning rod. Why is it so? Yes, because a woman can not lay out everything that she thinks to her husband. She often fears scandal. But the negative emotions that accumulate must find a way out. So it turns out that all his irritation, albeit without malicious intent, splashes out on his mother. The daughter believes that the mother will understand and forgive everything.

Parents are offended when children express their claims to them. After all, they really do everything for them that they can. It is very important that the mother put aside the false sense of guilt and understand that all the children in the world blame their parents in many ways and are often dissatisfied with them. An amazing fact is that those who were abandoned by their parents, sent to orphanages, love them very much and not only do not blame them for anything, but even justify many of their actions.

Growing up, every girl begins to show signs of dissatisfaction with her loved ones. This is a natural process of becoming a person. Otherwise, it will be quite difficult for the daughter to enter adulthood and find for herself a new object of idealization - her man.

At this moment, the mother needs to just be there and let her child somewhere even be disappointed in herself. It is worth voicing that in spite of everything, she loves her child and does everything she can for him. It is natural that every mother has doubts that she is raising her child correctly. She experiences the growing up of a child as difficult as the daughter herself. It is important to find the strength in yourself to let go of your child.

Is it possible to grow old together?

Not all mothers realize in time that their daughter has already grown up and become an adult woman. Sometimes they continue to treat them like small children, give unnecessary advice, reproach for any actions. Naturally, this behavior infuriates the daughter. She wants to build her own life and has the right to decide for herself how exactly she should act.

All the reproaches and advice from the mother look in the eyes of the daughter as if the mother considers her stupid and not independent. That is why adult girls try to protect their lives from their mother's influence as much as possible. And that's the best way things can go.

The most negative option is the situation when the mother, with her imperious and strong character, breaks the will of her adult daughter and completely subjugates her. Often she blackmails and manipulates her child, sometimes not realizing that this adversely affects her daughter's life. This may even lead to the fact that an adult daughter will not build her personal life and will simply live quietly and limply next to her mother. They will grow old together and this is a sad picture.

What does a mother need to do in order not to break her daughter's life? It is important to stop teaching her and giving advice when it is not required. An adult daughter has the right to build her own life, make mistakes and make mistakes. She must get her own experience and become an accomplished person.

Quite often, resentment and misunderstanding stand in the way of friendly relations between mother and daughter. Even an adult child wants to feel mother's love, affection and praise. Sometimes in their grievances, children become isolated and fenced off from their parents, ceasing to communicate and visit. It is like a response to misunderstanding and trauma received in childhood. It is important throughout life to be ready for a dialogue with your children, to hear them and to convey your thoughts to them in an accessible form.

She's sure to succeed

When the daughter has grown up, it is important not to compete with her for primacy and dominance in relationships. Do not dictate your terms and make demands. Sometimes you even need to be silent and swallow the insult, take on the pain of your child. In the future, all this will be cured by love, which will return to you a hundredfold.

Every mother should understand that she is an important and close person in her daughter's life no matter what. Even as an adult, she needs you very much. But not in reproaches and teachings, but in support and understanding. Don't let resentment get between you. Someone has to take the first step, step over the situation and start a conversation. So why not play this role as a wise and loving mother. Sometimes it will be enough just to come up and hug a rebellious daughter, who may not be happy about the conflict herself, but because of her character or age, she cannot decide to take the first step towards reconciliation.

However, there are situations that cannot be overcome only through dialogue. Then the mother should not aggravate the situation, but take a time out. Do not try to forcefully correct the situation. It’s easier to let go of the relationship, pull away from each other and let life put everything in its place. At this point, it is best to forget about the differences, do not correct anything, do not expect anything and, as it were, become just an outside observer.

Having matured and gained worldly wisdom, as well as having given birth to your child, your daughter will understand and realize everything. And perhaps your relationship will improve, become trusting and friendly. It just needs to wait a bit.

Notes:

"All children are like children, but I got a miracle in feathers"

Where does it come from

Take anti-measures

Shifting blame from adult daughter to mother and vice versa

Is it possible to grow old together?

She's sure to succeed

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