Why did my only son die. How to survive the death of your son: advice from a psychologist

19.05.2019

But often all the help that you can get comes down to the words "Life goes on" or "Be strong, we are with you." But does this help you find the answer to the question of how to survive the death of your only son?

The pragmatic way

Each person experiences grief in his own way, but over the centuries, during which people lost their mothers, children, beloved husbands and wives, friends, a pragmatic approach to the question of how to survive the death of a loved one has been developed. The period of heightened emotional experiences after the death of a loved one is conventionally divided into three stages.

First stage

This is shock, numbness, rejection of what has already happened. During this period, people behave in different ways. Someone seeks consolation in alcohol, someone plunges headlong into work, someone overpowers themselves and takes all the trouble of organizing a funeral. Sometimes a person loses the meaning of life, especially if death befell his own child.

What helps

Massage, soothing herbal tinctures will help. You can and should cry during this period. Don't be ashamed of anyone, tears are a natural reaction to great grief. This stage, the shock stage, lasts for about nine days.

Second stage

This stage lasts about forty days. Perhaps a person still cannot come to terms with the loss, denies what happened, although he understands that a loved one cannot be returned. But this understanding still does not give the peace of mind that a person wants to achieve in his soul.

What helps

During this period, a person can see a voice, the steps of a deceased son, he can come in a dream and try to speak. If the same thing happens to you, talk to your son in a dream, ask him to come. It is too early to let the deceased person go completely. Do not be shy about good memories, talk about the deceased with relatives, and willingly share your experiences. If they cannot help you in word or deed, at least they will be able to listen. Tears during this period can also help you periodically come to your senses. But if these periods continue almost around the clock, you need to contact a qualified psychologist.

Third stage

By about a year after the death of your son, you may feel some peace of mind. Although a second surge is possible. However, you have probably already learned how to manage your grief, you know what you need to do to calm down. Get distracted by what you love, chat with friends, spend time with them. If you have lived through all of these stages of the tragedy well, you will be able to come to terms with the loss and learn to live on. Yes, memories will torment you from time to time, but do not reject them. Sometimes you can cry, the main thing is that you will soon calm down and pull yourself together. After all, you have a family, it has not gone anywhere. Your relatives will help you, over time you will have a new impetus to life, to a happy life.

Coping with the death of your son: ways to numb the pain

The loss of a son is a terrible tragedy for parents and the whole family. There is not a single reason to justify the departure of children. And worst of all, there is no cure for this debilitating agony. Torment, no longer to see your child, to know that he left prematurely, not having time to see this world. Together with the child, the mother buries her heart. Surviving the death of his son seems impossible. But suffering can be alleviated.

Live the grief from start to finish

Nature has laid down the natural mechanism of grief. If you go through it from start to finish, the pain will dull and become a little easier. Let's take a look at the main stages of mourning:

Shock. Shock usually lasts up to 3 days. During this period, parents can deny the death of a child, believe in a mistake, a bad dream. They need irrefutable facts to prove that the son is dead. Some people get stuck at this stage for years. They peer into the faces of children, looking for their own among them. Or they leave the room and things of the son intact, in case he returns home.
Sobbing. The shock usually goes away after the funeral. This is immediately followed by a stage of sobbing and hysterics. The mother can howl, scream until hoarse. Outbursts of emotions alternate with a state of complete physical and emotional exhaustion. Sobbing lasts about a week.
Depression. Tantrums occur less and less, but at the same time, anger grows inside, longing for a son, a feeling of emptiness. A woman may feel insufficient participation from relatives, it seems to her that everyone has already forgotten about the tragedy.
Mourning. It starts from the 40th day after death and continues until its anniversary. This period is characterized by frequent memories, "scrolling" of bright moments. The pain recedes, and then comes in a new wave. There is a desire to speak out, to talk to someone about his son.
Death anniversary. An important date when all loved ones are going to honor the memory of the deceased. Relatives celebrate this day with commemoration, commemoration, prayer, and a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help parents say goodbye to their son, let him go. From that moment on, you need to take control of your feelings, do everything to return to a fulfilling life.

The death of a child divides life in half. After the tragedy, it will never be the same again. But you need to continue to live. And for this you need to learn how to deal with pain.

Advice. If enough time has passed since the death of your son, and you are stuck in one of the states, try to move on to the next stage of mourning. After experiencing all the grief from start to finish, you will feel relief.

Learn to get rid of pain

There is no cure for the pain. But curbing it, dulling it, learning how to be distracted is quite real. All methods are good here:

Express your grief in creativity. Write a verse in honor of your son, draw a picture, embroider the icon with beads.
Load yourself up physically. It can be sports, building a house or summer cottage, ennobling a site. Heavy loads dull emotions.
Share your pain. It is imperative that you find someone or people who can share your grief. If you do not find understanding among your loved ones, start communicating on the Internet. There are special forums where mothers who have lost their children talk about their pain, support and help others survive the tragedy.
See your doctor for a prescription of anti-anxiety medications. The specialist will be able to choose a medicine that helps stabilize the emotional background. It will be easier for you to control yourself, pain will decrease, sleep will normalize, and other signs of stress will disappear.
Do not use alcohol, drugs, or take serious medications without a doctor's prescription. The effect of these methods can be just the opposite.
Start helping those in need. Unspent love for your son can be used for good. Help the kids from the orphanage who have never known parental warmth. Feed a homeless person, donate to sick children, take care of animals or lonely old people.
Write a letter to your son. Put everything you want to say to him on paper and then burn it. Write as much as needed to relieve pain.
Get distracted. Watch comedy films, read books, cook complicated meals, start renovations, or find any other activity that takes away from the onerous thoughts for at least a little while.
Go to bed on time and eat regularly. You have to do it with strength. Eating and sleeping properly can help you recover from grief faster by reducing stress hormones in your blood.

Author's advice. The death of a child almost always makes the parents suffer from feelings of guilt. They think that they could have prevented the tragedy, somehow influence the course of history. It is very important to get rid of this feeling. How it would be, no one can know. Any mother or father would give everything for the child to live. But the past cannot be returned. It's important to come to terms with this.

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Honor the memory of your son

Very often, after the loss of a child, parents believe that they have no right to experience happiness anymore. Any positive emotions are perceived as a betrayal of the son. But it is wrong to condemn yourself to eternal suffering. Better to express your respect differently:

Perhaps now it is difficult for you to imagine that the memory of your son may not be painful, bring joy and happiness. But over the years, you will be able to see that this is possible.

A matter of faith

If you are of a particular religion, ask her for help. Faith helps many cope with grief. Orthodoxy promises a meeting with a child after death. This hope does not allow the mother to break down or commit suicide. But there are also those who turn away from the faith, not understanding why God allowed an innocent child to be able to do it, when murderers and maniacs continue to exist on earth. There is a parable that explains this:

“One old man's daughter died, very young and very beautiful. After the funeral, my father decided to climb Mount Ararat every day and appeal to God. For many months he left without an answer. The old man got angry then, and said angrily: "Come, look into my eyes and answer, why did you choose my daughter among the multitude of people?"

And then clouds covered the sky, lightning flashed, and the old man saw God. And he said: "Why do you bother me, I know your grief." Then the father fell on his knees and began to ask God to answer his questions. And God said to him: "I will answer you, but first make me a staff."

The old man went to the forest, found a branch and quickly made a staff. But as soon as he leaned on him, he broke. He began to look for a stronger branch, saw a young tree and cut it off. The staff is surprisingly strong. The old man went up the mountain, called to God. “I have completed your task,” the old man says and holds out his staff. God examined him and said: “Glorious came out, strong. Why did you cut off a young tree? " The old man told him. Then God said: “You yourself have answered your questions. You made a staff from a young tree so that you can lean on it and not fall. So here I need young, beautiful ones who would become my support! "

To give birth to a son is great happiness. Children are rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and even learn something. Unfortunately, not all children are destined for a long, happy life. You need to come to terms with this, learn to live again, keeping in your heart only joy and happiness from the fact that this child was once with you.

Psychologist's comment:

(The psychologist's commentary on this article is not yet available.)

Life always ends in death, we understand this with our minds, but when dear people leave this world, emotions take over. Death takes some into oblivion, but at the same time breaks others. What to say to a mother who is trying to survive the death of her only son? How and how to help? There are still no answers to these questions.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help orphaned parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of their son, but before listening to them, there are several important things to understand. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives survive grief.

No one is able to come to terms with the death of their child. A year, two, twenty will pass, but this pain and melancholy will still not go anywhere. They say that time heals. This is not true. It's just that a person gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile, do what he loves, but this will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf emptiness forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, guilt, resentment and anger towards the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who are wondering how to survive the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a habitual phenomenon, but as soon as some external stimulus is reminded of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately burst out of the embrace of emptiness and fiercely scream into the already slightly healed flesh.

Stages of grief

For parents, the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason to justify this departure. But worst of all, there is no cure for this flour. Together with the death of the child, the mother also buries her heart; it is impossible to survive the death of her son, just as it is impossible to move a mountain. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, incredibly difficult, but nature itself has a natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, what stages does the one who survived the death of his son go through:

Sobbing and hysterics.
Depression.
Mourning.
Parting.

More about the stages

As for the stages of going through grief, at first the parents feel a shock, this state lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think there was a mistake or some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage for years. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental abnormalities. For example, a mother whose one-year-old baby has died can walk in the park for many years, rocking a doll in a stroller.

Soon after the shock and denial, the sobbing and hysterical phase begins. Parents can scream until they are hoarse, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This state lasts for about a week, and then turns into depression. Tantrums happen less and less, but at the same time, anger, longing and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression, the parents begin to mourn. They often remember their child, replay the brightest moments from his life. The mental pain recedes for a while, but then it rolls over again, I want to speak out or talk to someone about my son. This stage can last for a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Heavy, mental anguish turns into a quiet and light sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to live on. The only pity is that the optimistic speeches of friends will not answer the question of how to help a mother survive the death of her son. Only after experiencing grief from start to finish can you feel some relief.

Creativity, sports, conversation

There is no cure for the pain of losing a child, but you can curb it, dull it, and learn to be distracted. How to survive the death of your son? You can start simple, like creativity. In honor of the deceased son, it would be nice to draw a picture, write a poem, or start embroidering. Exercise is an excellent distraction from thoughts. The more stress, the more they dull emotions.

You should not keep everything to yourself, you definitely need to talk to someone, it is best if it is a person who is in a similar situation, or was able to cope with his grief. Of course, there may be such that there is no one to talk to, then you need to write about everything that worries. Expressing your feelings when writing is much easier than in a conversation, moreover, expressed, let the emotions begin to exert less pressure in this way.

Medical practice

In such matters, it is better to use the advice of a psychologist. Of course, they will not teach how to survive the death of their son, but they will help a little. First of all, you should contact a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are not able to cope with their experiences on their own. There is nothing shameful in going to a psychologist, this doctor can suggest medications that will slightly relieve emotional stress, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. Also, the psychologist will write out several useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.

You should not resort to the help of alcohol or drugs, and you also do not need to prescribe serious medications for yourself. These methods will not help you survive the death of your son, but will only exacerbate the situation.

You should definitely adhere to the daily routine. Let it be through force, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. The correct regimen helps to reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.

Unspent love

There is another way to deal with grief. The death of his son, like a real curse, will hang like a black cloud over the heads of his parents wherever they are. At one point, their world became empty, there is no one else to love, no one to give their care to, no one to pin their hopes on. People withdraw into themselves, stop communicating with others. They seem to be steamed in their own juice.

But man is not created to live alone. Everything that is in the life of each of us, we receive from other people, so we should not refuse help, we should not ignore calls from friends and relatives, and at least once every few days we should leave the house. It seems to a person that his suffering is unbearable, time and the earth have stopped, and nothing and no one exists anymore. But look around, have other people stopped suffering or dying?

Law of Psychology

The hardest thing to experience is the death of adult children. At that moment, when it seems that life has not been lived in vain, suddenly the ground leaves from under our feet when they report the death of an adult son. The past years begin to seem meaningless, because everything was done for the sake of the child. So how do you survive the death of your only grown son? In psychology, there is a simple and understandable law: in order to reduce your own pain, you need to help another person.

If parents have lost their own child, this does not mean at all that their cares and love are no longer needed by anyone. There are many people, both children and adults, who need the help of others. People take care of their children not because they expect gratitude from them, but do it for the sake of their future and the future of future generations. The care that deceased children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise it will turn to stone and kill its owner.

And while a person feels sorry for himself and suffers, somewhere, without waiting for help, another child will die. This is the most effective way to help you survive the death of an adult son. Once orphaned parents start helping those in need, they will feel much better. Yes, it won't be easy at first, but time will smooth out all the corners.

Very often, the death of a child makes the parents feel guilty. Prevent tragedy, change history - they think they could do something. But be that as it may, man is not given to predict the future and change the past.

Also, parents believe that they no longer have the right to experience happiness after the death of a child. Any positive emotions are perceived as betrayal. People stop smiling, from day to day they are already doing memorized manipulations, and in the evenings they just stare into emptiness. But it is wrong to condemn yourself to eternal suffering. For a child, parents are the whole world. What would your child say if he saw his world crumbling in his absence?

Respect for the deceased

You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways, without condemning yourself to eternal torment. For example, you might visit the grave more often, pray for peace, make an album of happy photos, or put together all of his homemade postcards. During periods of melancholy, you need to remember only happy moments and thank for the fact that they were.

On the second Sunday in December at seven in the evening, you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost their children unite in their grief. Each light makes it clear that children have illuminated their lives and will forever remain in their memory. It is also the hope that grief will not last forever.

You can turn to religion for help. As practice shows, faith helps many to cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise is very encouraging for old parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and most likely in the next earthly life, mother and son will meet again. Hope for a new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or die prematurely.

True, there are those who turn away from faith. They do not understand why God took their child, when murderers and maniacs continue to roam the world. Fathers often tell a parable to their grief-stricken parents.

Parable

Once a daughter of an old man died. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for himself. After the funeral, he came to Mount Ararat every day and asked God why he took his daughter, who could live for many more years.

For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he would answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for a stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it off and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.

The old man brought his work to God, he praised the staff and asked why he cut off a young tree, which still grows and grows. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself have answered your questions. To lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made from young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I also need young, young and beautiful people who can be a support. "

Children are rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. But not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy that this child was once there.

How to survive the death of a son, a mother's story

A letter from a grieving mother came to my email inbox. Through the years, she managed to survive the death of her son, and now she is ready to support others in this grief.

My name is Valentina Romanovna. 53 years old, from the city of Moscow.

Probably, I was able to survive the death of my son, but as soon as I talk about it, I begin to understand that this is impossible.

When death comes tragically, you are struck by a blinding shock, sobbing and the need to organize a funeral “on strong pills”.

You are already experiencing the death of your son, being in a soulless, half-dead stupor.

I will say frankly that I had an only son, and my relatives did their best to support me.

All gray-haired and for a moment aged spouse, did not leave a single step.

My friends fiddled with ammonia, helping me to cope with the loss in silence.

Words cannot be found, and only a few people are capable of it.

After the funeral of the son - 9 days. Wake.

I deny, I do not believe that this happened. Now the door will open, and the son will enter the room, and this terrible torment will end.

At this stage (9 days) it is simply impossible to realize that the son is already resting in the grave.

Everything reminds of him, and you are worried that you will not survive this grief.

As a mother, I was finished off by despondency, went into the depths of my soul, gradually beginning to understand that these were not nightmarish visions.

After nine days, my husband and I were alone. They called us and continued to express condolences. Friends often came, but I drove everyone - this is our personal grief.

I just wanted to put on one thing - to reunite with my beloved son as soon as possible.

I was sure that after his death, I would not last long. And this, oddly enough, gave me a mean and pitiless hope.

They say that it is necessary to throw away (carry away from the eyes) all the things that remind of the son.

The husband did so, leaving photographs as a souvenir.

Consolation did not come, I lost the meaning of life, somewhere in my mind understanding that I was obliged to share this cross with my husband who was barely in control.

Yes, I forgot to say when our son died, we were 33.

We sat in an embrace and calmed each other. We lived on the parents' money. And it was even harder for them - their only grandson was gone forever.

On the 40th day, I felt that quite a bit “let go”.

Probably, they really say that the soul flies to heaven, leaving loved ones and relatives.

I continued to worry, but it was already a slightly different stage of grief.

You can't bring your son back, and I finally believed in it.

Only after that, my body (guardian angel / psyche) - I don’t know for sure, began to pull me “from the other world”.

I have grown thin, aged and thinner. She began to "peck" little by little - without appetite and pleasure.

My husband and I went to the cemetery, and then again I felt bad.

The experience of the death of my only son was given to me "in leaps", and a ruthless time was a doctor.

It is able to cut burrs from the soul, in some incomprehensible way to cross the suffering person with people who have also experienced the loss of a child.

For about six months I didn’t want anything, avoiding any desire.

When the feelings were a little dulled, she began to go out into the street, answering the questions with an unambiguous answer.

So a year passed. I took a light job, keeping my son's death deep inside.

Two, three, four, twenty years ...

It is impossible to survive the death of a son. You don't live, you just go on living.

Images are erased from memory, emotional wounds are healed, but sorrow still returns - not announced and shrilly.

You will forgive me for blabbing.

But I still don't know how to survive the death of my beloved son.

Valentina Romanovna Kiel.

The material was prepared by me- Edwin Vostryakovsky.

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After what happened, my husband and I were left alone, really orphans.

Everyone left us: relatives, acquaintances, employees, it is generally inappropriate to talk about friends.

Everyone said that they were in shock, did not know what to say to us, and went into their calm, prosperous, happy life to go about their business.

Our only son, who was 27 years old, died in an accident, or rather his car was destroyed by MAZ, an hour was cut out of the Ministry of Emergency Situations car, then an hour was taken to the hospital, 8 hours of intensive care, and Our decent, correct, honest, responsible child left ..

For a month there were not even tears, misunderstanding, not perception ...

We, always so independent, suddenly felt the need for people, but they were not around ...

I began to look around for my own kind, those who had already experienced this ...

You can only talk to those who understand what a grief it is!

You wake up in the morning and it seems that you dreamed it, and then you realize that reality has not gone anywhere.

You ask questions: WHY, FOR WHAT, HOW TO LIVE NOW?

There will be no children, no grandchildren - this is unnatural for human life!

More and more often pain overwhelms, and more often you wash yourself with tears ...

Everything was for him, his son, and the psychiatrist said that he had to live his own life. And in church - to love only God ...

The best are taken away: the son died on Trinity ...

I have survived the departure of my only son.

And they gave me the same advice. I try to live my life, only this is not life, but a parody of it.

I don’t go to church anymore, because, in my opinion, the ball “material benefit” reigns there.

Soon it will be 3 years old.

Nobody will give you advice.

You stayed with your husband, so there is someone to take care of.

I was left all alone.

As long as you live, the memory of your son lives on.

The hour will come, and you will go to your son, I do not know what it will be - a meeting in Heaven or nothing at all, but the fact that you will lie in ashes with your son is for sure.

And the pain will not go away, only it will not be so acute.

He was only 19 years old. And although everyone tells me that you are strong and I have to live on, I don’t have the strength to live.

I want to see my beloved son, and no words will help here.

I also stopped going to church, and I only think about meeting my son.

Life is now like glass.

I look around and do not understand what I am doing here.

Why should I be here?

Neither work, nor friends, nor relatives help.

It was as if a door had slammed shut, behind which there was laughter, joy, happiness and pleasure from the small joys of life.

Life is over. Only fragments remained.

He was 24 years old.

All these years I have lived with him, for him.

I can't live without him.

Yes, it turns out I'm not the only one, I'm 28 years old.

I'm slowly going crazy too!

I beg you, hold on.

Even though I say empty words.

For all sins, forgive me.

He was only 25 years old.

God! How painful and hard it is!

No one will console - neither friends nor family.

I really understand everyone who wrote here.

It is impossible to survive, no time heals.

It doesn't make sense anymore.

There is no point in cleaning things and the portrait, the child is constantly in the soul and in the heart.

I am reading your letter and choking on tears.

In August, my only son, Maxim, was killed, and my whole life lost its meaning!

It is so painful to describe in words ...

I am one of those mothers who lost their children.

I still cannot find the strength to start living on, even though I still have a daughter who has just turned 7 years old.

But since I almost all my life raised them alone, for me my son was everything in this life.

And with the loss of him, I lost my meaning.

I can't understand why God takes away children who had so many dreams and desires to live !?

Soon it will be 6 months, and I cry every day and cannot find the answer: WHY !?

We all have strength and patience.

Why is something constantly knocking in the brain?

It doesn't have to be that way! Children should bury their parents! How unfair!

There was no one and nothing left - just me and my pain!

I shudder from each sound, I run to the door, open it to my son, but then the awareness of reality comes, and I want to scream, tears roll in hail, and then again it’s painful, so sharp and burning, and then emptiness.

God, how is that? For what?

And so day after day, and there is no end to this pain!

Why does God take the children? ...

Be strong, support those who are drowning in this grief.

I beg you, live, and forgive me for touching your trouble with my awkward lines.

My appeal to God:

I would like to know only one thing - will we meet there? And nothing more!

You know, I was also afraid that I would never hear his voice and jokes again, I would not rejoice in victories.

The Lord takes the best, and I always knew that death is not the end ...

My son began to come to me in dreams.

First, in the form of his human image, only consisting of smoke or fog, then he came accompanied by someone who looked like a monk with a scythe, kissed me, as if he was saying goodbye, and left for a bright spot, in a dark kingdom.

Then I cried a lot and asked God not to erase his soul, to save it, and that no matter what form he was, and no matter what world he ended up in, I would always love him and look forward to meeting him.

And today he again came to my sleep - in the form of a warm, kind, green ball.

At first I did not understand that it was HE, but by the end of the dream I felt in my soul, in my heart (I cannot explain in words), and I recognized HIM, and it brightened my soul, and there was joy that HE IS ALIVE.

I really love him in this guise.

Yes, I don't care how it looks, our LOVE is ETERNAL!

I want to support everyone.

Try to communicate with them through meditation and inner concentration.

I did it, and it became easier for me.

The main thing is that they are ALIVE, they are just different.

The Son himself told me so when he came to sleep. I told him: “Son, you died !?”, and he told me: “No, mom, I’m ALIVE, I’m just“ ANOTHER ”.

I regard death as a long journey, which my son went on, and on which I, too, when my time comes, will go, and we will definitely meet there.

Soon a year has passed since she buried her son.

An attack of epilepsy - a blow - a fracture of the base of the skull, 7 hours of operation and three days of coma.

I already knew that he would not survive. Itself said: "Your Will is for everything, Lord!"

From infancy there was a fear that he would die, and I buried him in my sleep dozens of times.

Everyone said: "It will live long." And he lived for 38 years.

He carried me in his arms, he always felt sorry for me.

One dream: to hug him and hear the usual words: “Don't worry, Mommy!”.

What can happen to me now? I am choked with tears.

I know that he feels good there, and I will definitely see him.

Thank God for everything!

All turned away from us.

Thanks to my son's friends, they supported us as best they could.

How I survived, I did not lose my mind, I don’t know.

This pain, longing, tears - they will never end.

Only one desire is to see your son, just hug him.

I believe that I am alive, but in a different dimension.

But what “hellish hell” is it to be here without him ...

I have been grieving for 5 years already.

In October 2011, my son died, 22 years old.

And I want to tell you that this pain will never subside, and on the contrary, over time it only intensifies.

With the thought of him, I fall asleep, wake up, and all day I think of only one thing.

There are times when I can be distracted for an hour or two, and then it shocks me like an electric shock.

I went to a psychologist, it didn't help!

Since then I have not communicated with my friends, as there were rumors that I was crazy, and I urgently needed to go to a mental hospital (they decided so because I was constantly crying).

The husband began to drink, and now there is nothing left of a happy family (in the past).

I realized what a cruel and unjust world, because drunken villains killed my son.

Along with the heartache, anger and hatred settled in me. I don’t show them, but they are.

And also a feeling of guilt for not saving her son.

He felt that he would soon be gone, and every day he talked to me about it.

I was scared to listen to this, and I scolded him.

Now I understand that with these conversations he asked for help.

Heart breaks in pain.

Finally, I would like to say: “People, love and take care of each other, especially the parents of children. There is no grief worse than the loss of a child, after which life is divided into before and after. "

After that, it is no longer life, but suffering.

Valentina Romanovna, 53 years old, I was just looking for the person who experienced grief, as I am experiencing now - Vita Nikolaevna, 49 years old.

I read your lines and see my similar grief there.

My only son, 21 years old, died in production just like yours.

My husband and I have been existing for 8 months already.

I want to find a person and communicate, mutually helping to survive, giving will and patience.

If you don't mind, we could communicate.

Your love and pride for your child, his love for you, your family is a great happiness.

It will be painful and hard, but try not to upset your children.

Write, help others, do not close your soul.

It fell to us, nothing could be changed - such a period.

My son died 5 years ago. He was 23 years old.

They should be proud of us.

Rise up and say thank you to them that we have them.

Children see you, live and amaze them.

He worked as a truck driver, drove home for a day and died.

I was not at home.

Maybe he could have been saved: they said cerebral hemorrhage and cardiac arrest.

I can’t live without him.

Why did it happen?

He was so strong, all his organs were healthy.

How could he die ?!

On September 26, 2016, the heart of my son Artyom stopped beating, but the worst thing that we learned about it 11 days later - and all this time he was lying in the morgue, no one needed ... he was 28.

None of the hospital staff, while he was alive, and the morgue staff, when the son was already dead, did not even think to find his relatives - he had a passport with him.

He was beaten, brutally, on the head ... on his way to work on watch.

And he was lying on a cold iron shelf in the morgue ...

I don't know why I live, for what - he is my only child, everything was for him, his future family, grandchildren ...

Some filthy addicts have deprived me of everything.

Despair, anger at people, pain - these are the feelings that remain.

As I understand you.

I do not live, but I exist.

Because I do not believe that he is no longer there.

The door will open and my son will enter.

I LEFT ONE.

I keep thinking: when will I come to him?

It's very hard to live ...

She hugged him, lying in a pool of blood, already lifeless, and even that was a consolation - to caress him, to support him.

He himself did not expect this. I wasn't going to die. We were very close to him. I was proud of him.

I always believed that there is no death with the Lord. And now I don't feel anything at all and I don't understand ...

And of course, no one cares about our life, people cannot even imagine such horror that we are experiencing, and instinctively move away.

This is our personal maternal grief, our hardest cross.

Perhaps we will become cleaner, kinder.

After all, nothing will console you except the hope of meeting THERE ...

And the truth is they say that when you cry often, you fill him with your tears there?

I cry every day. I don't sleep well at night.

I keep thinking, how is he alone there?

After all, my son was only 19 years old. So young and handsome.

And even now I will never have grandchildren like him.

And I'm so lonely. There is no one to talk to about it.

Only the photographs remained.

And so I want to hug and kiss my own child.

Where can you find consolation?

Mom, dear, reading your bitter, insanely bitter stories, I cannot stop tears.

Your every sighing, every phrase resonates in your heart.

Only by losing the only son, the only hope, can one understand all the horror, the whole nightmare that is happening in the soul of an orphaned mother.

On May 28, 2015, my capable, intelligent, beloved, educated, accomplished wonderful son died on May 28, 2015. My pride, my life, my breath. Now he is gone.

As early as April 4, he came to visit us - a handsome, strong, remarkably built, energetic person.

And on April 12, on Easter, his back hurt, on the 13th he was hospitalized at the Botkin hospital with very poor blood counts: low hemoglobin and platelets.

They took a spinal cord puncture, did an MRI and made a diagnosis: stage 4 stomach cancer with metastases in the spinal cord, bones, lymph nodes ...

And after a month and a half, my child was gone, every hour my boy became weaker and weaker, the damned disease simply sucked all his strength out of him, and he died in my arms.

Questions for what, why, how and why to live now drill the brain from morning to evening and from night to morning. The meaning of life has disappeared.

Such melancholy, such blackness around, and there is nothing to cling to.

They buried my son on Trinity.

In seven monasteries and in very many Temples, the Sorokousts read about his health. They prayed, asked, hoped ...

A year and seven and a half months have passed since my boy is gone.

The tears never run dry, the pain never stops. My husband and I are alone. Everyone moved away from us. As if they are afraid of catching grief. We are outcasts.

I go to the Temple on Saturdays, and there I just cry.

My child wanted to live so much. He helped people a lot. Why is it so !?

They take the very best, the brightest. BUT WHY.

How to survive the death of your only son

It is very scary to survive the death of your own child. Children should bury their parents, but not the other way around. A person with whom such a grief happened is often left alone with his grief. Yes, acquaintances and relatives try to cheer, but talk about death bypasses. Moral support can only be done with words like "hold on", "hold on", etc. Therefore, now we will talk about how to survive the death of your only son. Such knowledge will help a person who has experienced a terrible tragedy, because our ancestors knew them.

In a distant time, when medicine had not yet developed, such grief happened in families quite often. Therefore, people developed a pragmatic approach and identified the stages of the tragedy experienced by the relatives of the deceased. You need to know these stages of grief in order to constantly monitor the state of your soul. So you can understand in time if you are stuck in one of them for a long time, in order to turn to professionals for help in this case.
The first stage is always numbness and shock, when you cannot believe in the loss and do not want to accept it. People behave differently at this stage - someone freezes from grief, someone tries to forget themselves in calming down relatives and organizing funerals and commemorations. A person does not understand well what is happening, where he is and what he is doing. In this case, sedative tinctures, antidepressants and massage help. You cannot be alone, you need to cry to release grief, to ease the soul. This stage lasts approximately nine days.
The stage of denial goes up to forty days. On it, a person is already aware of his loss, but his consciousness has not yet come to terms with what has happened. Very often at this stage, people see the voice or steps of the deceased. If a person is dreaming, then you need to talk to him in a dream and ask him to come to you. It is necessary to talk about the deceased son with relatives, to remember him. Frequent tears during this period are normal, but you cannot cry around the clock. It is necessary to consult a psychologist if the stage of denial lasts a very long time.
In the next six months after the death of your son, you should come to realize and accept this loss and pain. The pain may periodically intensify and subside. It so happens that a crisis comes when parents begin to blame themselves for not saving. Aggression during this period can be transferred to other people: to doctors, the state or friends of the son. Such feelings are quite normal, the main thing is that the aggression does not drag on, and they are not dominant.
The year after death is usually easier in terms of experiences. But crises can appear. If by this time you have learned to manage your grief, then you will not be afraid of such strong feelings as on the day of the tragedy.

At the end of the second year, the soul of the grieving person usually calms down. But this does not mean that your grief has been forgotten, you just learned to live with it. Knowing how to cope with the death of your only son will help you move on with your future in mind.

How to recover and return to life after the death of your son?

For parents, there is nothing worse than burying their own children. How to survive the death of your son, to pass such a test? Not everyone is given to pull themselves together. There are cases when people fell into depression, lost interest in life for many years.

The pain of loss

The loss of a loved one, a son, is a great challenge. Such a loss leaves nothing alive in a person. It is worth accepting the fact that life will never be the same again. Tears and regrets are normal expressions of sorrow. However, a person is able to survive grief and cope with difficulties. The first time will be very difficult, but life goes on. It is necessary to realize this.

During this period, a person can experience a wide variety of feelings: fear, regret, anger, resentment, denial of the tragedy that has occurred. All this is natural for parents after the death of a child. You cannot say that it is bad to miss and cry. Everything should pour out. You have to cry if you want to. By giving free rein to feelings, you can help yourself cope with the shock after the death of a dear person. It is important to accept what happened. It is clear that at first this is impossible, however, if you constantly deny that the son will never return, further life will become painful and unbearable.

Each person has their own character. Someone is able to survive the loss of a child in a short time, someone needs years for this. Until recently, psychologists believed that after the death of a loved one, a relative goes through 5 stages: shock, denial, awareness, acceptance, and reassurance. However, nowadays, almost every psychologist will say that this theory is not entirely correct. It is impossible to divide suffering into stages, since during this period a person experiences a number of feelings and emotions. They can be repeated, replaced by others. Over time, the person calms down. How can a married couple survive the death of their only child? Each person perceives grief and experiences it in his own way.

How can I help myself?

The first days are very difficult. Psychologists give practical advice: to protect yourself as much as possible from experiences. The fact is that a person often feels numbness, as if everything around has stopped, and time has slowed down. Sometimes reality mixes with sleep, familiar people, things, work, activities no longer bring any joy. The feeling that everything is passing by can last for a long time. This condition usually goes away after a few years.

A psychologist, having studied the problem, may advise you to take a vacation, return to work, and do what you love.

This only works when a person is morally ready to do something in order to distract himself. Working in deep grief after the death of a child can only be a burden. A person should have time to cry, to grieve as much as it takes.

Temporarily it is necessary to give up important matters: real estate sales, major purchases, sudden changes. Any action that requires caution and thoughtful decisions must wait. It is necessary that everything more or less fall into place and the state of stupor and clouding of consciousness go away. Controlling yourself is simply necessary.

They say that time heals. Many people consider this phrase a meaningless preparation, which is uttered only to cheer up. In fact, there is some truth in it. Sooner or later, a person returns to normal life. Time must be given the opportunity to dispel the fog of sorrow. At first, even the brightest memories of a departed son will hurt. It is important to remember that even intense grief will not last forever. You need to smile, try to be happy, enjoy your favorite business or pleasant little things. This behavior does not mean that parents forget their child. It is never possible to forget.

Parents often begin to blame themselves after the death of their son that they could not save him. You can't do that. There are many things in life that cannot be prevented. It is very important to stop berating yourself. If you do not stop in time, grief will not let go for many years.

Normal sleep helps you recover as soon as possible. The first time after the tragedy it will be difficult to sleep. Although some parents, after the death of a child, can forget to sleep for a whole day, or even more. But more common are cases when a person scurries around the house at night or mindlessly watches TV. The death of the only son is destruction for the soul. Experts give advice: it is necessary to go to bed whenever the desire arises. The body must recuperate. When sleep problems are present, herbal tea, sedative infusions, and a warm bath will help.

Eating well is difficult. Appetite may be absent for a very long time, but you need to force yourself to eat a little. A well-fed body can handle stress more easily, and getting down to daily activities will be a little easier. You need to eat simple food so that cooking does not take much time. Whenever possible, it is better to order ready-made healthy food at home. Drinking regimen is also important. Water, soothing tea, freshly squeezed juices will save you from dehydration, exhaustion, and poor health.

The temptation to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs is very high during this period. However, this will lead to even more severe depression and the ensuing consequences. It is allowed to take only medications prescribed by a doctor, but not alcohol.

The advice of a qualified psychotherapist will help in severe cases. The specialist will develop a program for adaptation and return of a person to a normal life. Many cities also have group sessions attended by survivors of child deaths. It is much easier to communicate with those who can understand the accumulated suffering. Only those who have experienced a similar situation will give the best advice.

Results on the topic

Losing a child is the worst thing a parent can experience. It seems that the whole world has lost its colors. However, it must be remembered that help can be very close. It is important not to bring yourself to a deep depression and not drown what happened in alcohol. Anyone who is looking for support will always find it. Over time, sorrow will be replaced by the bright memory of the dearest person.

It is very scary to experience the death of your own son. After all, it is children who should bury their parents, and not vice versa. A person who has had such a grief is usually left alone with his experiences. Yes, relatives and friends are trying to help, but they try to bypass any talk about death. All moral support lies in the words hold on and hold on. We will show you how to survive the death of your son. This knowledge will be useful for a person who has experienced a terrible tragedy.

How to survive the death of your son - accept all emotions and feelings

You can feel anything: fear, bitterness, denial, guilt, anger - this is natural for a person who has lost a son. None of these feelings can be superfluous or wrong. If you want to cry, cry. Surrender to your feelings. Keeping all the emotions in yourself can make it even harder to get through the grief. The will to feel will help you accept what happened. You will not be able to forget everything at once, but you can find the strength in yourself and come to terms with death. Denying feelings will keep you from living on.

How to cope with the death of your son - make an appointment with a psychotherapist

There are psychotherapists who specialize in such cases. Every city should have an intelligent specialist. Before recording, be sure to chat with him. Find out worked whether he is with such people and, of course, what is the cost of the sessions. In any case, you need a specialist with extensive experience.

How to cope with the death of your son - forget about the timing

Nobody forces you to stop grieving after a while. Each person is different. In difficult times, emotions may be similar, but everyone experiences grief in different ways. It all depends on the circumstances of life and the nature of the person.

For a long time there has been a concept of accepting grief, consisting of 5 stages. It is believed that everything starts with denial and ends with acceptance. Modern science thinks otherwise - accepting grief cannot consist of 5 steps, because people experience an incredible amount of feelings at the same time. They come and go, come again and eventually become less visible. Recent studies have confirmed that people accept death immediately and do not experience depression and anger - only grief for the person remains.

How to survive the death of your son - the first stage

You cannot believe that this has happened, you are in shock and numbness. Each person has his own reaction - some freeze from grief, others try to forget themselves, calming relatives, organizing funerals and commemorations. The person does not understand what is happening to him. Antidepressants, sedatives, and massage can help. Don't be alone. Cry - it will help release grief and ease the soul. The stage lasts 9 days.

Coping with the death of your son - stage two

The stage of denial lasts up to 40 days. A person with his mind already accepts the loss, but the soul cannot come to terms with what has happened. At this stage, parents can hear footsteps and even the voice of the deceased. The son may dream, in which case, talk to him and ask him to let you go. Talk about your son with your family, remember him. Constant tears are normal during this period, but don't allow yourself to cry around the clock. If you cannot get out of this stage, contact a psychologist.

How to survive the death of your son - third stage

For the next 6 months, you must accept the pain and loss. Suffering can subside and intensify. Parents often blame themselves for not saving the child. Aggression can spread to everyone around: friends of the son, the state or doctors. These are normal feelings, the main thing is that you do not overdo it with them.

Coping with the death of your son - stage four

The experience becomes easier within a year after the loss. Be prepared for a crisis. By this time, you should learn to manage grief and you will no longer be as afraid of feelings as on the first day of the tragedy.

How to survive the death of your son - the fifth stage

The soul of the grieving person calms down by the end of the second year. Your grief will certainly not be forgotten, you just learn to live with it. Knowing what to do after your son's death will help you move on and think about the future.

People can experience such intense pain that they contemplate suicide. The pain can be incredibly intense. Drive such thoughts away - better ask for help.

For parents, there is nothing worse than burying their own children. How to survive the death of your son, to pass such a test? Not everyone is given to pull themselves together.