Family education tactics. Consultation on the topic: five tactics of family education
Family education concept. The principles of family education. Family education methods.
Family upbringing is a system of upbringing and education that takes shape in a particular family by the efforts of parents and relatives.
Family education is a complex system. It is influenced by heredity and biological (natural) health of children and parents, material and economic security, social status, lifestyle, number of family members, place of residence, attitude towards the child. All this is organically intertwined and manifests itself differently in each specific case.
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The principles and methods of family education.
Family education concept
A family is a socio-pedagogical group of people designed to optimally meet the needs for self-preservation (procreation) and self-affirmation (self-respect) of each of its members. The family creates in a person the concept of home not as a room where he lives, but as feelings, sensations, where they are expected, loved, understood, protected. The family is such an education that “covers” a person as a whole in all its manifestations. All personal qualities can be formed in a family. The fateful importance of the family in the development of the personality of a growing person is well known.
Family upbringing is a system of upbringing and education that takes shape in a particular family by the efforts of parents and relatives.
Family education is a complex system. It is influenced by heredity and biological (natural) health of children and parents, material and economic security, social status, lifestyle, number of family members, place of residence, attitude towards the child. All this is organically intertwined and manifests itself differently in each specific case.
The family's tasks are to:
- create maximum conditions for the growth and development of the child;
- become the socio-economic and psychological protection of the child;
- to convey the experience of creating and maintaining a family, raising children in it and attitudes towards elders;
- to teach children useful applied skills and abilities aimed at self-service and helping loved ones;
- to cultivate self-esteem, the value of one's own “I”.
The purpose of family education is the formation of such personality traits that will help to adequately overcome the difficulties and obstacles encountered on the path of life. The development of intelligence and creativity, primary work experience, moral and aesthetic formation, emotional culture and physical health of children, their happiness - all this depends on the family, on the parents, and all this constitutes the tasks of family education. It is the parents - the first educators - who have the strongest influence on children. Still J.-J. Rousseau argued that each subsequent educator has less influence on the child than the previous one.
The importance of the influence of the family on the formation and development of the child's personality has become obvious. Family and social upbringing are interrelated, complementary and can, within certain limits, even replace each other, but on the whole they are unequal and under no circumstances can become such.
Family upbringing is more emotional by its nature than any other upbringing, for it is guided by parental love for children, which evokes children's reciprocal feelings towards their parents. " Consider the impact of the family on the child.
1. The family acts as the basis for a sense of security. Attachment relationships are important not only for the future development of relationships - their direct influence helps to reduce the feelings of anxiety that a child arises in new or stressful situations. Thus, the family provides a basic sense of security, guaranteeing the safety of the child when interacting with the outside world, mastering new ways to explore and respond. In addition, loved ones are a source of comfort for the child in moments of despair and excitement.
2. Models of parental behavior become important for the child. Children usually tend to copy the behavior of other people and most often those with whom they are in closest contact. This is partly a deliberate attempt to behave in the same way as others behave, partly it is an unconscious imitation, which is one aspect of identification with another.
Interpersonal relationships seem to have similar influences. In this regard, it is important to note that children learn from their parents certain ways of behavior, not only by assimilating the rules directly communicated to them (ready-made recipes), but also by observing the models existing in the relationship between parents (example). It is most likely that in cases where the recipe and example are the same, the child will behave in the same way as the parents.
3. The family plays an important role in the acquisition of life experience by the child. The influence of parents is especially great because they are the source of the necessary life experience for the child. The stock of children's knowledge largely depends on how parents provide the child with the opportunity to study in libraries, visit museums, and relax in nature. It is also important to have a lot of conversation with children.
Children whose life experience included a wide range of different situations and who are able to cope with communication problems, enjoy versatile social interactions, will adapt better than other children to the new environment and respond positively to the changes taking place around them.
4. The family is an important factor in the formation of discipline and behavior in a child. Parents influence the child's behavior by encouraging or condemning certain types of behavior, as well as using punishment or allowing an acceptable degree of freedom of behavior.
From the parents, the child learns what he should do, how to behave.
5. Communication in the family becomes a model for the child. Family communication allows the child to develop their own views, norms, attitudes and ideas. The development of the child will depend on how good the conditions for communication are provided to him in the family; development also depends on the clarity and clarity of communication in the family.
Family for a childIs the place of birth and the main habitat. In his family, he has close people who understand him and accept him as he is - healthy or sick, kind or not very good, docile or prickly and impudent - he is his own there.
It is in the family that the child receives the basics of knowledge about the world around him, and with the high cultural and educational potential of the parents, he continues to receive not only the basics, but the culture itself all his life. Family - this is a certain moral and psychological climate, for a child it is the first school of relations with people. It is in the family that the child's ideas about good and evil, about decency, about a respectful attitude to material and spiritual values are formed. With close people in the family, he experiences feelings of love, friendship, duty, responsibility, justice ...
There is a certain specificity of family education as opposed to public education. By nature, family education is based on feeling. Initially, the family, as a rule, is based on a feeling of love, which determines the moral atmosphere of this social group, the style and tone of the relationship of its members: the manifestation of tenderness, affection, care, tolerance, generosity, the ability to forgive, a sense of duty.
A child who has not received parental love grows up unfriendly, embittered, callous to the experiences of other people, impudent, quarrelsome in a peer group, and sometimes withdrawn, restless, overly shy. Having grown up in an atmosphere of excessive love, caressing, reverence and reverence, a small person early develops the traits of selfishness, effeminacy, spoiledness, conceit, and hypocrisy.
If there is no harmony of feelings in the family, then in such families the development of the child is complicated, family education becomes an unfavorable factor in the formation of personality.
Another feature of family education is the fact that the family is a social group of different ages: it has representatives of two, three, and sometimes four generations. And this means different value orientations, different criteria for assessing life phenomena, different ideals, points of view, beliefs. One and the same person can be both educated and educator: children - mothers, fathers - grandmothers and grandfathers - great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers. And despite this tangle of contradictions, all family members sit down at the same dinner table, relax together, run a household, arrange holidays, create certain traditions, and enter into relationships that are very different in nature.
The peculiarity of family education- organic fusion with the entire life of a growing person: the inclusion of a child in all vital activities - intellectual and cognitive, labor, social, value-oriented, artistic and creative, play, free communication. Moreover, all stages go through: from elementary attempts to the most complex socially and personally significant forms of behavior.
Family education also has a wide time range of influence: it continues throughout a person's life, takes place at any time of the day, at any time of the year. A person experiences his beneficial (or unfavorable) influence even when he is out of the house: at school, at work, on vacation in another city, on a business trip. And sitting at the school desk, the student is mentally and sensually connected by invisible threads with the home, with the family, with many problems that worry her.
However, the family is fraught with certain difficulties, contradictions and disadvantages of educational influence. The most common negative factors of family education that have to be taken into account in the educational process are:
Inadequate influence of factors of the material order: excess or lack of things, the priority of material well-being over the spiritual needs of a growing person, disharmony of material needs and the possibilities of their satisfaction, spoiledness and effeminacy, immorality and illegality of the family economy;
Lack of spirituality of parents, lack of aspiration for the spiritual development of children;
Immorality, immoral style and tone of family relationships;
Lack of a normal psychological climate in the family;
Fanaticism in any of its manifestations;
Pedagogical illiteracy, unlawful behavior of adults.
I repeat once again that among the various functions of the family, the upbringing of the younger generation is undoubtedly of paramount importance. This function permeates the entire life of the family and is associated with all aspects of its activities.
However, the practice of family education shows that it is not always "high-quality" due to the fact that some parents do not know how to raise and promote the development of their own children, others do not want, others cannot due to any life circumstances (serious illness, job loss and livelihood, immoral behavior, etc.), the fourth simply do not attach due importance to this. Hence,each family has more or less educational opportunities,or, scientifically - educational potential. The results of home education depend on these opportunities and on how reasonably and purposefully parents use them.
The concept of "educational (sometimes they say - pedagogical) potential of the family" appeared in the scientific literature relatively recently and does not have an unambiguous interpretation. Scientists include in it many characteristics that reflect different conditions and factors of the family's life, which determine its educational prerequisites and can, to a greater or lesser extent, ensure the successful development of a child. Such features of the family as its type, structure, material security, place of residence, psychological microclimate, traditions and customs, the level of culture and education of parents, and much more are taken into account. However, it must be borne in mind that none of the factors by itself can guarantee a particular level of upbringing in the family: they should be considered only in aggregate.
Conventionally, these factors, which characterize the life of a family according to different parameters, can be subdivided into socio-cultural, socio-economic, technical-hygienic and demographic (A.V. Mudrik). Let's consider them in more detail.
Socio-cultural factor.Home education is largely determined by how parents relate to this activity: indifferently, responsibly, frivolously.
Family is a complex system of relationships between spouses, parents, children, and other relatives. Taken together, these relations make upfamily microclimate,which directly affects the emotional well-being of all its members, through the prism of which the rest of the world and its place in it are perceived. Depending on how adults behave with the child, what feelings and relationships are manifested by loved ones, the baby perceives the world as attractive or repulsive, benevolent or threatening. As a result, he develops trust or distrust in the world (E. Erickson). This is the basis for the formation of a positive self-awareness of the child.
Socio-economic factordetermined by the property characteristics of the family and the employment of parents at work. The upbringing of modern children requires serious material costs for their maintenance, satisfaction of cultural and other needs, payment of additional educational services. The family's ability to support the children financially, to ensure their full-fledged development is largely associated with the socio-political and socio-economic situation in the country.
Technical and hygienic factormeans that the upbringing potential of the family depends on the place and living conditions, the equipment of the dwelling, the characteristics of the family's lifestyle.
A comfortable and beautiful living environment is not an additional decoration in life, it has a great influence on the development of a child.
Rural and urban families differ in educational opportunities.
Demographic factorshows that the structure and composition of the family (complete, incomplete, maternal, complex, simple, one-child, large, etc.) dictate their own characteristics of raising children.
The principles of family education
Parenting principles– practical recommendations that should be followed, which will help to build pedagogically competently the tactics of educational activities.
Based on the specifics of the family as a personal environment for the development of the child's personality, a system of principles of family education should be built:
Children should grow up and be brought up in an atmosphere of benevolence and love;
Parents must understand and accept their child as he is;
Educational influences should be built taking into account age, gender and individual characteristics;
The dialectical unity of sincere, deep respect for the individual and high demands on her should be the basis of family education;
The personality of the parents themselves is an ideal role model for children;
Education should be based on the positive in a growing person;
All family activities should be play-based;
Optimism and major - the basis of the style and tone of communication with children in the family.
The most important principles of modern family upbringing include the following: purposefulness, scientific character, humanism, respect for the child's personality, planning, consistency, continuity, complexity and consistency, consistency in upbringing. Let's consider them in more detail.
The principle of purposefulness.Upbringing as a pedagogical phenomenon is characterized by the presence of a socio-cultural reference point, which is both the ideal of upbringing activity and its intended result. To a large extent, the modern family is guided by objective goals, which are formulated in each country as the main component of its pedagogical policy. In recent years, the enduring universal human values set forth in the Declaration of Human Rights, the Declaration of the Rights of the Child, and the Constitution of the Russian Federation have been the objective goals of upbringing.
The subjective coloring of the goals of home education is given by the ideas of a particular family about how they want to raise their children. For the purpose of education, the family also takes into account the ethnic, cultural, religious traditions that it follows.
Scientific principle.For centuries, home education was based on everyday ideas, common sense, traditions and customs, passed down from generation to generation. However, in the last century, pedagogy, like all human sciences, has advanced far ahead. A lot of scientific data has been obtained about the laws of the child's development, about the construction of the educational process. Parents' understanding of the scientific foundations of upbringing helps them to achieve better results in the development of their own children. Errors and miscalculations in family education are associated with a lack of understanding by parents of the basics of pedagogy and psychology. Ignorance of the age characteristics of children leads to the use of random methods and means of education.
The principle of respect for the personality of the child- acceptance of the child by the parents as a given, as he is, with all the features, specific traits, tastes, habits, regardless of any external standards, norms, parameters and assessments. The child came into the world not of his own will and will: the parents are "to blame" for this, so you should not complain that the baby has not met their expectations in some way, and caring for him "eats up" a lot of time, requires self-restraint, patience , excerpts, etc. Parents "rewarded" the child with a certain appearance, natural inclinations, peculiarities of temperament, surrounded by a material environment, use certain means in education, on which the process of forming character traits, habits, feelings, attitude to the world and much more in the development of the baby depends.
The principle of humanity- regulation of the relationship between adults and children and the assumption that these relationships are based on trust, mutual respect, cooperation, love, goodwill. At one time, Janusz Korczak expressed the idea that adults care about their own rights and are indignant when someone encroaches on them. But they must respect the rights of the child, such as the right to know and not know, the right to fail and cry, and the right to property. In a word, the child's right to be what he is is his right to this hour and today.
Unfortunately, parents have a fairly common position in relation to the child - “become what I want”. And although this is done with good intentions, but in essence it is a disregard for the personality of the child, when in the name of the future his will breaks down, the initiative is extinguished.
The principle of planning, consistency, continuity- the deployment of home education in accordance with the goal. It is assumed that the pedagogical influence on the child is gradual, and the consistency and planning of upbringing are manifested not only in the content, but also in the means, methods, techniques that correspond to the age characteristics and individual capabilities of children. Upbringing is a long process, the results of which do not "germinate" immediately, often long after. However, it is indisputable that they are the more real, the more systematically and consistently the upbringing of the child is carried out.
Unfortunately, parents, especially young ones, are impatient, often not realizing that in order to form a particular quality or a child's properties, it is necessary to influence him repeatedly and in a variety of ways, they want to see the “product” of their activity “here and now”. It is not always in the family that they understand that the child is raised not only and not so much by words, but by the whole environment of his home, its atmosphere, which we talked about above. So, the child is told about neatness, demands are made on order in his clothes, in toys, but at the same time he sees from day to day how dad carelessly stores his shaving accessories, that mom does not broadcast a dress in the closet, but throws it on the back of a chair. .. Thus, the so-called "double" morality operates in the upbringing of a child: he is required to do what is optional for other family members.
The principle of complexity and systematicity- multilateral influence on the personality through the system of goals, content, means and methods of education. In this case, all factors and aspects of the pedagogical process are taken into account. It is known that a modern child grows up in a multifaceted social, natural, cultural environment, which is not limited by the family. From an early age, the child listens to the radio, watches TV, goes for a walk, where he communicates with people of different age and sex, etc. All this environment to one degree or another affects the development of the child, i.e. becomes a factor in education. The multifactorial nature of upbringing has its positive and negative sides.
Family education- a general name for the processes of influencing children by parents and other family members in order to achieve the desired results.
The family for the child is both a living environment and an educational environment. The influence of the family, especially in the initial period of a child's life, most exceeds the other educational influence. The family reflects both the school and the media, social organizations, friends, the influence of literature and art. This allowed educators to derive addiction: the success of personality formation is due to, primarily, family... The role of the family in the formation of personality is determined by dependence: what kind of family, such is the person who grew up in it.
Social, family and school activities are carried out in an indissoluble unity.
The problems of family education in the part where they come into contact with the school are studied in general, in other aspects - social.
Family influence:
- the family carries out the socialization of the individual;
- the family ensures the continuity of traditions;
- the most important social function of the family is the upbringing of a citizen, a patriot, a future family man, a law-abiding member of society;
- the family has a significant influence on the choice of profession.
- physical- is based on a healthy lifestyle and includes the correct organization of the daily routine, sports, hardening of the body, etc.;
- moral- the core of the relationship that forms the personality. Education of enduring moral values - love, respect, kindness, decency, honesty, justice, conscience, dignity, duty;
- intellectual- presupposes the interested participation of parents in enriching children with knowledge, shaping the needs of their acquisition and constant renewal;
- aesthetic- designed to develop the talents and talents of children or simply give them an idea of the beauty that exists in life;
- labor- lays the foundation for their future righteous life. A person who is not accustomed to work has only one way - the search for an "easy" life.
General methods of family education
If the family so strongly influences the processes and results of the formation of the personality, then it is the family that should be given the primary knowledge by society and the state in organizing the correct educational impact.
Methods of raising children in a family- these are the ways through which the purposeful pedagogical influence of parents on the consciousness and behavior of children is carried out.
The methods of family education bear on themselves a vivid imprint of the personality of the parents and are inseparable from them. How many parents - so many varieties of methods.
The main methods of family education:- persuasion (explanation, suggestion, advice);
- personal example;
- encouragement (praise, gifts, an interesting perspective for children);
- punishment (deprivation of pleasure, refusal of friendship, corporal punishment).
- Parents' knowledge of their children, their positive and negative qualities: what they read, what they are interested in, what assignments they carry out, what difficulties they experience, etc.
- The personal experience of parents, their authority, the nature of family relationships, the desire to educate by personal example also affects the choice of methods.
- If parents choose to work together, then practical methods usually prevail.
The pedagogical culture of parents has a decisive influence on the choice of methods, means, and forms of upbringing. It has long been noticed that in the families of teachers, educated people, children are always better brought up.
One of the key problems in solving many problems is the problem of the family. F. Engels wrote that “modern society is a mass consisting entirely of individual families. Like its molecules. " In the family, as in miniature, the picture of those "... opposites and contradictions in which society moves ..." about parents (education in schoolchildren of a correct, cordial and humane attitude towards parents, relatives and friends).
Each family has its own rules. Each separately taken family is a unit of society, and it lives according to its own established rules. In most cases, the father is the head of the family. He allows (or not) the child to go somewhere or not, to do something or not. This happens in full-fledged families. But, unfortunately, there are also types of families in which there is only a mother (sometimes only a father) and a child. Most often this happens due to parental divorces. Of course, it is difficult for a child to live in such a family. He does not feel completely protected, he envies if his friends have both mom and dad. And he only has one of the parents. He cries more often, gets sick, takes offense. Sometimes only grandparents raise children. Although such a child has parents, only grandparents are involved in upbringing. Parents either travel frequently for work, or are simply very busy and do not have time to deal with their own child.
The family, considered as the primary unit of society, is very diverse. The school needs to take into account the peculiarities of the family structure in order to organize joint activities for raising children with it. Usually a self-living family consists of 2 generations - parents and children. Often, grandparents live with this family. Incomplete families have a number of variants of their structure - mother, grandmother, grandfather; only one mother and child (children); only father, children and grandmother, etc.
Families can be complete, but with a step-mother or stepfather, with new children. There can be complete families of the main structure, but the family can be dysfunctional. All this creates a special atmosphere in which the student of the school finds himself, which determines the strength and direction of the educational influence of the family on the student.
Much in solving educational problems depends on who in the family is mainly engaged in raising children, who is their main educator. Most often, this role is played by the mother, often a grandmother living in the family. Much depends on whether the mother is working or not, what her workload is, how much time she can devote to her child, and most importantly, whether she wants to take care of his upbringing, whether she is really interested in the child's life. The role of the father is also great, although often fathers withdraw themselves from raising children, entrusting him to their mother.
Family- this is the primary source of everything that is invested in the upbringing and formation of the child's personality at home, it is a microenvironment that combines its influence on the child with the influence from the school.
2. Models of family education
Upbringing in a family can be very different - from absolute total control to inattention to your child in general. Best of all, when parents look after (unobtrusively) their child, they constantly advise him how to act (again unobtrusively, but playfully), when the child and parents do something together, for example, homework, do something together. It bears fruit. These children have a very developed understanding with their parents. They obey them. And, listening to their opinion, children are ready to constantly help such parents, and, as a rule, the academic performance of such children is at the proper level. There are several models of family parenting.
1. Situations of advance payments by trust (A. S. Makarenko), when trust is given in advance to a person who has not yet strengthened, but is already ready to justify it. Conditions are created in the family for the expression of parental trust.
2. A situation of unconstrained coercion (T.E. Konnikova) is a mechanism for the influence of a specific situation not in the form of an uncompromising requirement of parents, but in the form of updating the existing motives of behavior in new conditions that ensure active participation in the life of the family, due to which the position of the subject is formed, creative partner.
3. The model of family education (O.S. Bogdanova, V. A. Krakovsky), when the child is faced with the need and gets the opportunity to make an independent choice of action (of course, under the supervision of adults). Sometimes the situation of choice takes on the character of a conflict situation in which there is a clash of incompatible interests and attitudes (M. M. Yashchenko, V. M. Basova).
4. The model of family education, where there is a creative situation (VA Krakovsky). Its essence lies in the creation of such conditions in which the fiction, imagination, fantasy of the child, his ability to improvise, the ability to get out of a non-standard situation are actualized. Every child is talented, you just need to develop these talents in him, to create conditions for the child that will be most acceptable for him.
The choice of a family education model depends primarily on the parents. It is necessary to take into account the age of the child, his psychological characteristics, the level of development and upbringing. LN Tolstoy emphasized that raising children is only self-improvement, which no one helps as much as children. Self-education is not something auxiliary in education, but its foundation. "No one can educate a person if he does not educate himself," wrote V. A. Sukhomlinsky.
Forms of education- these are ways of organizing the educational process, ways of expediently organizing the collective and individual activities of children. When an atmosphere of creativity is created in the family, the children begin to "open up", pour out all their emotions and experiences in this creativity.
It depends on the parents which parenting model to choose. The main thing is that it is more suitable than other models for the child being brought up.
The family is of great importance for a person and for a child in particular. This is a socio-pedagogical group of people designed to optimally meet the needs for self-preservation and self-affirmation of each of its members.
Family education- This is a system of upbringing and education, which is taking shape in a particular family by the forces of parents and relatives.
Family education should prohibit corporal punishment, reading other people's documents. You should not moralize, talk a lot, demand momentary obedience, you should not indulge, etc. All the principles say one thing: children are not happy because they do their homework, help around the house, or behave well. They are glad because they exist.
The content of family education covers all areas. In the family, the physical, aesthetic, labor, mental and moral education of children is carried out, and it changes from age to age. Gradually, parents, grandparents, relatives give children knowledge about the world around, nature, society, production, professions, technology, form the experience of creative activity, develop some intellectual skills, and finally bring up an attitude towards the world, people, profession, life in general.
A special place in family education is occupied by moral education, first of all, the education of such qualities as: benevolence, kindness, attention and mercy to the elderly and the weak, honesty, openness, and hard work. Obedience is sometimes included here, but not everyone considers it a virtue.
In the coming years, many families will receive religious education with its cult of human life and death, with respect for universal human values, with many sacraments and traditional rituals.
The purpose of family education is the formation of such personality traits that will help to adequately overcome the difficulties and obstacles encountered on the path of life. The development of intelligence and creativity, primary work experience, moral and aesthetic education, emotional culture and physical health of children, their happiness and well-being - all this depends on the family, on the parents, and all this constitutes the tasks of family education. It is the parents - the first educators - who have the greatest influence on the child in the first years of his life. Family education has its own methods, or rather the priority use of some of them. This is a personal example, discussion, trust, showing, showing love, etc.
Parents often raise their children the way they raised them. It is necessary to understand that a child is also a person, albeit a small one. It needs its own approach. You need to look closely at your child, study his habits, analyze his actions, draw appropriate conclusions and, based on this, develop your own method of education and training.
4. The main problems of family education
The problems of family upbringing are mainly due to misunderstandings between children and parents. Children (adolescents) begin to want more, parents do not allow, children begin to get angry, conflicts occur. Family education begins with love for the child. If this fact is not strongly expressed or not expressed at all, then problems begin in the family - sooner or later.
Often in families there is neglect, lack of control. This happens when parents are too busy with their own affairs and do not pay enough attention to their children. As a result, children wander along the street, are left to their own devices, start looking and end up in bad companies.
It also happens the other way around, when the child is overprotected. This is overprotective. The life of such a child is controlled all the time, he cannot do what he wants, he waits all the time and at the same time is afraid of orders. As a result, he becomes nervous, insecure. This ultimately leads to mental disorders. The child accumulates resentment and anger for such an attitude, in the end, the child can simply leave the house. Such children begin to fundamentally violate the prohibitions.
It so happens that a child is brought up according to the type of permissiveness. Everything is allowed for such children, they are admired, the child gets used to being in the center of attention, all his desires are fulfilled. When such children grow up, they are not able to correctly assess their capabilities. As a rule, such people are not liked, they try not to communicate with them and do not understand.
Some parents raise their children in an environment of emotional rejection, coldness. The child feels that the parents (or one of them) do not like him. This state is very burdensome for him. And when someone from the other family members is loved more (the child feels it), the child reacts much more painfully. In such families, children may grow up neurotic or angry.
Tough upbringing happens in families when a child is punished for the slightest offense. Such children grow up in constant fear.
There are families where the child is brought up in conditions of heightened moral responsibility. Parents inspire the child that he is simply obliged to justify the many hopes of the parents, and he is also entrusted with unbearable childish concerns. Such children may develop fears, constant concern for their health and the health of loved ones. Improper upbringing disfigures the child's character, dooms him to neurotic breakdowns, to difficult relationships with others.
Often the parents themselves become the cause of the problematic family upbringing. For example, the personal problems of parents, solved at the expense of a teenager. In this case, some kind of, most often unconscious, need lies at the heart of upbringing disorders. The parent is trying to satisfy her by raising a teenager. In this case, the explanation to the parent of the wrong behavior and persuasion to change the style of upbringing are ineffective. This again leads to problems between children and parents.
5. Methods of family education
Family education has its own methods, or rather, the priority use of some of them. This is a personal example, discussion, trust, show, show of love, empathy, elevation of personality, control, humor, assignment, tradition, praise, sympathy, etc. The selection is purely individual, taking into account specific situational conditions.
The initial structural unit of society, which lays the foundations for the individual, is the family. She binds blood ties, unites children, parents, relatives. The family appears only with the birth of a child. Family education is very important. It can help the child in his entire future life. But if parents, for one reason or another, do not pay due attention to education, the child may have problems with himself and society in the future.
Family upbringing methods, like all upbringing, should be based, first of all, on love for the child. Family education is a complex system. It is influenced by heredity and biological (natural) health of children and parents, etc.
Humanity and mercy should be shown to the child, he should be involved in the life of the family, as an equal member of it. Relations in the family should be optimistic, which will help the child to overcome difficulties in the future, to feel the "rear" that the family is. Among the methods of upbringing, openness and trust in relations with children should also be highlighted. The child feels the attitude towards him very sharply, on a subconscious level, and therefore it is necessary to be open with your child. He will be grateful to you all his life.
There is no need to demand the impossible from the child. Parents need to clearly plan their requirements, see what the child's abilities are, talk with teachers and specialists. If a child cannot assimilate and memorize everything perfectly, there is no need to ask more from him. This will cause complexes and neuroses in the child.
Helping your child will only bring about a positive outcome. If you are ready to answer your child's questions, he will also answer you openly.
The purpose of family education is the formation of personality traits that will help to adequately overcome difficulties and obstacles encountered on the path of life. The development of intelligence and creativity, primary work experience, moral and aesthetic formation, emotional culture and physical health of children, their happiness - all this depends on the family, on the parents, and all this constitutes the tasks of family education. And the choice of parenting methods is entirely the priority of the parents. The more correct the methods, the better the child, the greater the results he will achieve. It is the parents who are the first educators. They have a tremendous impact on children. Even Jean-Jacques Rousseau argued that each subsequent teacher has less influence on the child than the previous one.
From all we conclude that the more correct methods the parents choose, the more benefit it will bring to the child.
6. Selection and application of parenting methods
Parenting methods- this is a specific influence on the consciousness, feelings, behavior of pupils for solving pedagogical problems in joint activities, communication between pupils and a teacher-educator.
The selection and implementation are carried out in accordance with the goals. It is entirely up to the parents how to bring up their child. It is necessary to rely on the experience of other people. Now there is a lot of diverse literature on this subject.
The methods of education should be distinguished from the means of education, with which they are closely related. The upbringing method is implemented through the activities of a teacher-educator, parents. Humanistic education methods- prohibition of corporal punishment, not to talk too much, not to demand obedience, not to indulge, etc. However, it all boils down to one thing: children in the family should always be happy, under any circumstances, no matter whether he obediently behaves or plays pranks.
Parents should teach a child from an early age that work is the main source of life. In childhood, this should take place in the form of a game, then the tasks become more difficult. It is necessary to explain to the child that his good grade in school is his job well done. In this case, the danger that the child will grow up unaccustomed to work is very small.
All responsibility for upbringing lies with the parents. School, of course, has an impact in the first place. But a lot is laid in a child under 7 years old, when he does not go to school yet, but constantly plays, is under the supervision of his parents. At preschool age, you can teach a child to work in such a way as to show him that he must clean up the toys that he scattered after him. This will also make a great contribution to the development of the child's personality.
In the family, the physical, aesthetic, labor, mental and moral education of children is carried out, changing from age to age. To the best of their ability, parents and close people give the child knowledge about the world around him, society, production, professions, technology, etc. In the family, they develop some intellectual skills, bring up an attitude towards the world, people, and life.
Parents should set a good example for their children. This also applies to parenting methods. The role of the father in the family is enormous. This is especially true for boys. Boys always want to find an idol for themselves, a strong, courageous person to look up to.
A special place among the methods of family education is held by the method of moral education of the child. First of all, this is the education of such qualities as benevolence, kindness, attention and mercy to the elders, the younger and the weak. Honesty, openness, kindness, hard work, humanity. By their own example, parents should teach their child how to behave and how to act in a particular case.
Conclusion: what methods parents bring up a child, so he will grow up in the future, so he will relate to his own parents and people around him.
7. Common mistakes of family education
The key to family education is love for children. Pedagogically expedient parental love is caring for the child's future, as opposed to love for the sake of their own whims, the parents' desire to "buy" children's love in various ways: by fulfilling all the child's desires, hypocrisy. Blind, unreasonable parental love turns children into consumers. Neglect for work, for the desire to help their parents dulls the feeling of gratitude and love.
When parents are busy only with their own affairs and do not have time to pay due attention to their children, the following problem arises, which has serious consequences: children become left to themselves, they begin to spend time in search of entertainment, fall under the influence of bad companies that have a detrimental effect on the worldview of children and their attitude to life, to work, to parents.
But there is another problem - overprotective. In this case, the child's life is under vigilant and tireless supervision, he hears all the time strict orders, numerous prohibitions. As a result, he becomes indecisive, lack of initiative, fearful, not confident in his abilities, does not know how to stand up for himself, for his interests. Gradually, resentment grows for the fact that "everything is allowed" to others. In adolescents, all this can result in a rebellion against parental "violence": they fundamentally violate the prohibitions, run away from home. Another kind of overprotection is upbringing like the "idol" of the family. The child gets used to being in the center of attention, his desires, requests are unquestioningly fulfilled, he is admired. As a result, having matured, he is not able to correctly assess his capabilities, to overcome his egocentrism. The team does not understand him. Deeply concerned about this, he blames everyone. Only not yourself, there is a hysterical accentuation of character, which brings a lot of experiences to a person throughout his later life.
Upbringing like "Cinderella", that is, in an atmosphere of emotional rejection, indifference, coldness. The child feels that the father or mother does not love him, is burdened by this, although it may seem to outsiders that the parents are attentive and kind enough to him. "There is nothing worse than pretense of kindness, - wrote L. Tolstoy, - pretense of kindness repels more than outright malice." The child is especially worried if someone else from the family members is loved more. This situation contributes to the development of neuroses, excessive sensitivity to adversity or anger in children.
"Rigid education" - for the slightest offense, the child is severely punished, and he grows up in constant fear.
Upbringing in conditions of heightened moral responsibility: from an early age, the child is inspired with the idea that he must necessarily justify the many ambitious hopes of his parents, or that unchildish, unbearable concerns are placed on him. As a result, such children develop obsessive fears, constant anxiety for their well-being and those of those close to them.
Improper upbringing disfigures the child's character, dooms him to neurotic breakdowns, to difficult relationships with others.
8. Rules of family education
A family is a socio-pedagogical group of people designed to optimally meet the needs for self-preservation (procreation) and self-affirmation (self-respect) of each of its members. The family evokes in a person the concept of home not as a place where he lives, but as feelings, a sense of a place where they are expected, loved, understood and protected. The family is such an education that embraces a person as a whole in all manifestations. All personal qualities can be formed in a family. The fateful importance of the family in the development of the personality of a growing person is well known.
Each family lives by its own rules. Each family has their own. But there are some general rules for everyone.
First, the child must definitely obey his parents. They already have life experience, they guide the child in the right direction, help him become a worthy person. After all, they know a lot more than he does. Parents advise their child on what to do, what to do. Good behavior is a kind of gratitude from the child to the parents.
Secondly, you need to create the maximum conditions for the growth and development of the child.
Thirdly, to ensure the social, economic and psychological protection of the child.
Fourth, to convey the experience of creating and maintaining a family, raising children in it and attitudes towards elders.
Fifth, to teach children useful applied skills and abilities aimed at self-service and helping loved ones.
Sixth, to cultivate self-esteem, the value of one's own "I".
A child must respect his parents. Appreciate their concern for him. You also need to try to instill these qualities in a child. But, first of all, the child must be loved. You also need to listen to his opinion, find out what interests him, what he wants. A child is a small person who reacts very seriously to the attitude of parents towards him. You can not be too strict with the child. This will cause constant fears, and in the future will cause complexes.
The child should not be allowed to "sit on the parents' neck." Then a capricious, spoiled, unnecessary (except for mom and dad) member of society will grow up.
Parents must provide assistance to their child, must be ready to answer questions. Then the child will have the feeling that they want to communicate with him, he is given due attention. Good-natured family relationships multiply love and affection for each other. The child will always have a good mood, there will be no feeling of guilt if he is suddenly shouted at and punished for no reason. A trusting relationship in the family is the main sign of a good, strong family.
Involving children in the life of the family is one of the conditions for understanding children and parents. Children feel that they are not “strangers” in the family, that they are being listened to. Love works wonders. Therefore, we must not forget about it.
9. Relationship between family and school education
The connection between family and school education is inseparable. After 7 years, that is, after entering school, the child spends a large amount of time there. The family's influence diminishes slightly as the child comes under the direction of the teacher. The child begins to grow up in a team, to live according to its laws. The influence of the collective (society) becomes enormous.
Nevertheless, there is a strong bond between family and school.
If a child lives in a good, strong family, then in it, in addition to requirements, the child also receives love, care, and affection.
At school, the child is only required. A personal approach to education is a consistent attitude of the teacher to the pupil as to a person. As a responsible subject of their own development. It represents the basic value orientation of teachers on the personality, her individuality, the child's creative potential, which determines the strategy of interaction. The personal approach is based on a deep knowledge of the child, his innate properties and capabilities, the ability to self-development, knowledge of how others perceive him and how he perceives himself. The teacher and parents should work together to shape the child's personality. The more often parents communicate with the teacher, the more often they try to find the best ways to improve the knowledge and skills of the child, the better for the child himself. The child is under their common care, which contributes to his better development. The educational process includes situations specially designed for the personality of the child, helping him to realize himself within the school.
The activity approach in education assigns a primary role to those activities that contribute to the development of the individual. Both the teacher and the parents need to work together to develop a personality in the child.
A personal-active approach to education means that the school must ensure human activity, the formation of the personality.
A creative approach puts at the forefront the creativity of the teacher and the child in the upbringing process, and parents should help in this.
Parents should be aware that they also went to school, that it is necessary to prove to the child that school is a place where there are friends, where the child will be given important and necessary knowledge. The teacher must instill a love for his subject, teach the child to respect himself, other teachers, and, of course, elders. This is practically impossible without the joint activities of parents and teachers.
Education should take place constantly: both in the family and at school. In this case, the child will be under "supervision" or supervision, there will be no negative influence of the street, and this will help to bring up a good person, a personality in the child.
The teacher needs to help the family in developing an individual program for the upbringing of a child, taking into account the interests of children, independently determine the forms, methods and content of upbringing.
Thus, there is an inseparable connection between school and home education.
Topic 8. Strategy and tactics of family education. Family education as a system. Plan
1. The concept of family education, family education, parental pedagogy.
2. Basic strategies of family education.
3. Styles of family education and their anomalies.
4. Influence of intra-family relations on the formation of the child's personality.
5. Pedagogically neglected and at-risk children, their characteristics.
Basic concepts and provisions of the course
Authority- the influence of any person, group or organization, based on knowledge, moral merit, life experience. Parental authorities that negatively affect the upbringing of a child (the essence of parental authorities and the sequence of their consideration was proposed by A.S. Makarenko):
Authority of suppression- the child's daily influence by his appearance, actions, a tough and sometimes cruel attitude towards him as a person, his actions and deeds. Such authority teaches children to stay away from the terrible daddy, evokes children's lies and human cowardice, fosters cruelty (the most terrible kind of authority, although not the most harmful);
Family education- family activities aimed at creating the most favorable conditions for the development of the child, preparing him for social life, the formation of a comprehensively developed personality. It starts from the first days of a child's life and continues continuously until the full independence of children is purely individual and peculiar. Carried out by parents and older family members. The success of family education depends to a large extent on the presence of a father and mother in the family and on the unity and equality of their efforts in this process. Family education and the relationship between parents and children in different cultural and historical periods had their own characteristics. In antiquity (up to the 4th century AD) there was infaticidal style, in which the child was not considered a person. Mass infanticide took place. As culture recognizes the presence of a soul in a child (from the 4th century), throwing style... The baby is sold to a wet nurse, or given to a monastery or to be raised in someone else's family, or they are completely neglected and humiliated in their own home. Sculpting style(from the 14th century) - a child is treated as if it were made of wax or clay. If he resists, he is mercilessly beaten, "beating out" willfulness as an evil inclination. With obsessive style (18th century), the child is already considered a small person, however, they strive to control not only behavior, but also the inner world, thoughts and will of the child. This leads to conflicts between fathers and children. Target socializing style(19th - mid-20th century) education is not so much to conquer and subdue the child, but to train his will. Prepare for a future independent life. But in all cases, the child is considered more an object than a subject of socialization. From the middle of the 20th century appears supportive, supportive style... Assuming that the child himself, nature knows better than parents what is needed at each stage of life. Therefore, parents seek not so much to discipline or "shape" his personality, but to help individual development. Inherent in the new age inviting style b, in which parents and children, teacher and student become equal partners.
Education of a comprehensively and harmoniously developed personality - upbringing of a person who combines spiritual wealth, moral purity and physical perfection, in practice demonstrating his moral qualities, capable of solving various problems and overcoming difficulties encountered on the path of life. In this interpretation, the upbringing of a person, in essence, is purposeful socialization. In any case, education is focused on the general development of the individual. A personal approach in the process of upbringing a comprehensively and harmoniously developed personality requires that educators, teachers, parents treat each child as a unique phenomenon, regardless of his individual characteristics.
Governorship ( French - to manage )- a social institution, the subjects of which are home tutors - governors and governesses. hired to educate and educate children. Typical for a bourgeois family. In Russia, the institution of governorship became widespread in the 18-19 centuries. Governors or governesses who taught children secular manners and the rules of decency, the ability to speak foreign languages, were invited from abroad, mainly from France. Currently, the tutor, as a rule, is assigned the role of an educator, similar to that of a kindergarten teacher, since parents themselves play the role of mentors in the education and social adaptation of children. In the Qualification Directory of Positions and Professions in Russia, there is still no profession of a governor, although this social role is increasingly supported by society.
Deviant behavior- behavior deviating from the moral norms accepted in society at a given level of its social and cultural development. The reasons for the child's deviant behavior can be illness, the conditions of his life in the family, the relationship of children in the group, etc. It is important for a social educator to identify these reasons and clearly define the tasks and content of his activities to correct the behavior of a student.
Children at risk - the category of children in a borderline state of health. They are brought up in families of alcoholics or drug addicts, are subjected to various types of violence, which increases the likelihood of their school, and in a broader sense - social maladjustment.
Differentiated approach in social education - one of the ways of realizing the goals and principles of humanistic pedagogy, solving pedagogical problems, taking into account the social and psychological characteristics of pupils.
Benevolence - an unconditionally positive attitude towards people, a manifestation of sympathy and readiness to support another person.
Convention on the rights of the child- an international document that enshrines the rights and freedoms of children. It was adopted by the UN General Assembly in 1989. The Convention enters into force and is binding on those states that have signed and ratified it. Its preamble emphasizes that children have the right to special care and assistance. In addition, it is recognized that the child must be fully prepared for an independent life in society and brought up in a spirit of peace, dignity, tolerance, freedom, equality and solidarity. The convention consists of three parts and 54 articles.
Conflict- tension in relations arising as a result of explicit or latent contradictions, clashes of different positions, aspirations, motives of people, resulting in the struggle of the parties.
Conflict situation- a situation in interpersonal communication, characterized by tension and fraught with escalation into conflict. A social educator often has to deal with conflict situations among children, as well as in a schoolchild's family. Thus it is necessary to act according to the principle "do no harm". In the technology of resolving a conflict situation, the main thing is to call its participants to a frank conversation and, having shown tact, the ability to listen to the points of view of all parties, jointly outline the ways out of the current situation.
Microsociety of the child- individual people or communities of people that make up the child's inner circle, all those with whom he interacts in one way or another or who influence him (family, neighbors, peer groups, various public, state, religious and private educational organizations).
Microenvironment- the concept is broader than the microsociety, it includes everything that surrounds the child, including the objective environment. The microenvironment can be defined as a set of conditions affecting the child's personality.
Parental responsibilities- parents (legal representatives) of minor children are responsible for exercising parental rights and responsibilities, raising their children, taking care of the health, physical, mental and moral development of children, ensuring that children receive basic general education (Article 63 of the RF IC).
Parental expectations- parental hopes and future prospects for children, especially in terms of their success in school and self-determination after school.
Family education- upbringing of children by parents or substitutes (relatives, guardians). The theory of family education is an organic part of social pedagogy (the sociocultural environment of education is environmental pedagogy). It includes problems: the socio-cultural environment of the family and upbringing; types of families and their educational opportunities; goals, content and methods of upbringing in the family; compensatory and correctional education in the family, etc.
Typology of family education: secular, religious, pluralistic, authoritarian, democratic, anarchic, humanistic, infernal, pragmatic, intellectual, national, international, elite, civic, marginal, etc.
Factors of family upbringing: the originality of the conditions, the uniqueness of the personality traits of the parents, the composition of the family, the socio-psychological attitude, the social ties of the family, etc.
The basic principles of family education: the principle of purposefulness; scientific principle; the principle of humanism, respect for the personality of the child; the principle of planning, consistency, continuity; the principle of complexity and consistency; the principle of consistency in education.
Family parenting styles and their anomalies: authoritarian, democratic, liberal, rejection style, emotional rejection, hypoprotection, dominant and permissive hyperprotection, violent relationships, increased moral responsibility, hypersocialization style, egocentric parenting style.
Types of family relationships (A.V. Petrovsky): diktat, guardianship, peaceful coexistence, cooperation. Typical mistakes of family education.
Summary: The psychological atmosphere in the family is the main factor in family education. Family education tactics. Parental dictate. Excessive custody. Confrontation, family wars. Non-interference is the way to form an individualist. Cooperation is the best type of family education.
Whether or not there will be obstacles in the way of mutual understanding between parents and children - depends mainly on the general psychological atmosphere in the family.
It is possible to conditionally distinguish five lines of development of family relations, types of the social and psychological climate of the family and, accordingly, the tactics of family education. Although, of course, there are many transitional, erased, intermediate modifications and options.
I allowed myself to use for this typology terms that are more familiar to diplomats and political scientists, military and professors of military academies than teachers and parents, and, nevertheless, very accurately characterize the phenomena of interest to us: diktat, guardianship, confrontation, peaceful coexistence on based on laissez-faire and cooperation.
The question may arise: is it appropriate in the field of child and family psychology to use these terms? Tactics, for example, are a combination of means and techniques in the struggle to achieve a goal. But what kind of struggle in the family can we talk about? Who is fighting whom? Children with parents? Parents with children?
We did not mean anything like that, using the terms "tactics", "strategy", although such a struggle sometimes takes place. You can fight not only with someone, but also, which is especially important, for something and in the name of something.
Parents are fighting for their children to grow up the way they want them to be, and this fight is not against children, but for them. The tactics of such a struggle can be very, very different: successful or unsuccessful, right or wrong, skillful or inept, scientifically based or unscientific. These tactics correspond to the type of family relationships and, ultimately, are generated by them. This is what will be discussed further.
This type of family relationship has been repeatedly and vividly described in the pages of fiction. Mr. Dombey with Charles Dickens, old man Karamazov with FM Dostoevsky, Evgraf Shiryaev from A. P. Chekhov's story "Heavy People", James Brody with Archibald Cronin and a string of other equally despotic fathers who have tyrannized their families for years could be here excellent illustrations.
However, with the development of a civilized society, those extreme manifestations of family despotism, which fed the plots and types of many writers, go further and further. And yet it cannot be said that the question has been settled. Dictate in a family, where some of its members suppress others' independence, initiative, self-esteem, and now it can manifest itself in forms, perhaps not so sharp, but quite definite.
Nobody argues - parents can and should make demands on their child, based on the goals of upbringing, moral norms, specific situations in which it is necessary to make pedagogically and morally justified decisions. But the maximum exactingness of the elders should be combined with the maximum trust and respect for him - otherwise, the exactingness turns into rough pressure, coercion. The formula "maximum exactingness - maximum respect and trust", accepted by the theory of education and dating back to A. S. Makarenko, is a convincing alternative to dictate in family relations.
It is significant that the stories of family dictatorships described by the masters of fiction have always ended in the collapse of all the hopes and plans of the tyrants. The end of the tyranny of Mr. Dombey is deplorable. And it's not just Paul's death and Florence's departure. Children were not formed at all the way the callous and cruel father saw them in his dreams. It should be said that psychologically, the fiasco of the educational principles of dictatorship is natural.
Parents who prefer order and violence to all kinds of influence inevitably face resistance from the object of upbringing - a child who responds to pressure, coercion, threats and other cruel measures of influence with their countermeasures: hypocrisy, deception, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if the resistance is broken, the victory turns out to be Pyrrhic. Together with broken stubbornness, many valuable personality traits are broken, trampled underfoot: independence, self-esteem, initiative, faith in oneself and one's capabilities.
The reckless authoritarianism of parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, depriving him of the right to vote in resolving issues related to him - all this is a guarantee of a catastrophic failure in the formation of his personality. It is difficult to predict the fate of a young man who is a victim of such an educational system. Maybe a sycophant, a opportunist, a coward, maybe a cynic, a boor, a despot. It can happen, and it will straighten out under the influence of any extrafamilial influences, and everything will do without serious consequences.
But one thing can be said with complete certainty: no matter what the goals of upbringing are pursued by the parents who adhere to the tactics of dictatorship, they cannot consciously plan the upbringing of a scoundrel or a boor, their goals will not be achieved, their son or daughter will get what they never did. they did not expect. The positive effect of such upbringing, even if it is the result of the best intentions of the father and mother, is obviously zero.
Here one could put an end to it, but how not to say that the diktat in the family is not always like a one-way street. A child can be not only an object, but also a subject of a dictatorship.
There are families in which the child is a real little tyrant. In fact, this often happens in families where the child is sick for a long time and the parents, imbued with pity and compassion, are ready to do everything to compensate for what the disease has deprived him of. Or it may be a long-awaited child born into a family of middle-aged parents who have lost hope for offspring. As a rule, there is no refusal to such a baby, any of his requirements are unconditionally fulfilled.
I remember this picture. An old Moscow house, an asphalt courtyard with almost no greenery. The guys play a game, now forgotten: "twelve sticks" - a complicated version of hide and seek. From the second floor, a woman's voice is heard from the window:
Little Johnny, go to dinner!
Silence. The same voice again:
- Little Johnny! We are waiting for you!
Nobody responds. Despair sounds in the woman's voice:
- The soup will cool down, Little Johnny. Go home.
A freckled teenager separates from the flock of children and, looking up, shouts:
- I won't! I do not want! Leave me alone!
- But, Vovik, you had a bad breakfast today! I'm waiting for you. Go home, please, Little Johnny!
Silence again. Little Johnny (his street nickname is Japanese) picks up the cement seam of the wall with his fingernail and finally decides:
- Give the soup here! I'll eat here!
- Well, how is it, Little Johnny ... It's inconvenient. Why ... Well, okay, I'll bring you a plate now.
The woman gives up. It was not so. The new order makes her lean out of the window, and the boys come closer:
- Bring the soup to me! On a rope!
The guys froze: what will happen?
- Japanese, are you crazy? Yes, you now ... - one of them threw.
A self-confident answer followed:
- And you look what will happen, and then speak.
The son knew his mother better. Soon, a bowl of soup, surprisingly cleverly tied with twine (exactly a plate! I remember well), slowly crawled down from the window and settled down on the knees of the squatting boy. In the same way, the bread and spoon were lowered, wrapped in a large napkin.
He lazily sipped his soup and, to the surprised exclamations of his comrades, dropped proudly:
- And I have her trained ... Not like yours! ..
And then one of the guys, Borka, shouting: "What a bastard you are!" He ran home with a roar ... The guys dispersed, glancing cautiously at the windows of the second floor.
A year or two after the dinner we remembered, we, the guys of this yard, went to the front. Many did not return. Borka did not return either (our street is named after the Hero of the Soviet Union, the guard of senior lieutenant Boris Nikolayevich Dmitrievsky). Vladimir R-sky did not return either. The mother did not survive much for her son and husband (the latter died just before the war). Remained on the second floor of the escheat apartment. The new residents said that they found a letter in the chest of drawers, where it was reported about the death of R.
I am far from thinking to connect directly the tyrannical behavior of my son in relations with loved ones and the gravest military crime. But the personality traits of the scoundrel were sculpted by his family in front of those around him for a number of years, and I remember that no one was surprised then, in 1945, that Vladimir R-sky alone in our entire district died not a glorious, but a shameful death.
A little despot, accustomed to not meeting resistance to his dictatorship in the family, outside of it, as a rule, does not have any privileges and must adapt and cunning. This leads to a kind of split personality. It coexists cruelty to some and currying favor with others, rudeness and cowardice, conceit and humiliation. How easy it is for such a person to become a hypocrite and a traitor - he only regrets himself and only loves himself. It is difficult to say which is worse: despotism from above or despotism from below. Both are worse!
Guardianship
In fact, the dictates of parents and guardianship are phenomena of the same order. The differences are in form, not in substance. Yes, of course, diktat presupposes violence, orders, tough authoritarianism, and guardianship presupposes care, protection from difficulties, affectionate participation. However, the result is largely the same: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow excluded from solving issues that concern them, especially the general problems of the family.
The impulse that arises in early childhood, almost the instinct "I myself", gives way to sluggish indifference: "Let mom, let dad do it, decide, help." "Dictate from below" - the child's despotism, which was just mentioned, is also the flip side of excessive guardianship, which asserts the child in the position of a little god. However, guardianship does not necessarily engender the extremes of despotic behavior. This may not be the case if the parents do not lose their self-esteem and know how to force themselves to be respected. But even in this case, the negative consequences of guardianship as a tactic of family education will certainly affect.
The question of the active formation of the child's personality fades into the background. Another problem comes to the forefront of pedagogical action - meeting the needs of the child and protecting him from difficulties. Guardianship as an educational tactic is an open enemy of labor education, because the ward is, first of all, protected from labor efforts and responsibility. In general, it is easier to destroy a person with the help of excessive guardianship than to make them happy.
I am reminded of a witty tale of one of the modern writers. Traditional characters appear here: father, stepmother, own daughter, stepdaughter. Of course, the stepmother seeks to destroy the hateful stepdaughter and make her beloved daughter happy. And, of course, all this happens with the complete non-resistance of the father, who does not cherish the soul in the villainous stepmother. However, the tale does not follow a familiar course.
The stepmother displays outstanding abilities and, in any case, she is excellently oriented in the social psychology of family relations. She makes it so that it is not her own daughter who bask in the feather beds, but the hated stepdaughter. She, this stepdaughter, eats sweetly, drinks sweetly and shouts at her half-sister. And that all day at work and in the forest, and in the field, and at home. The insidious plan is paying off. As expected, a handsome prince appears and, of course, falls in love with a modest, hard-working and intelligent stepmother's daughter and laughingly turns away from her stepdaughter, fool, idler and sweet tooth ...
Well, this tale has a deep meaning and illustrates well the possible fruits of guardianship as an upbringing system.
Parents who are constantly worried that any everyday difficulties would not fall on their child, so that, God forbid, the wind of everyday life would not blow on him, so that he would not be blown into the steamy atmosphere of the family greenhouse, in fact, they do all the work for him. They essentially refuse to think about seriously preparing a teenager to face reality outside the doorstep of their home. And, consequently, they render a disservice to their own child, to whom, frankly, no one in the future, except for them, will underlay the perinka.
But here's an interesting circumstance. According to psychological observations, it is this category of adolescents that gives the greatest number of breakdowns and "uprisings" in adolescence. It is these children, who, it would seem, have nothing to complain about, so freely they settled in the family nest, begin to rebel against parental care. What's the matter? Ingratitude? But she, too, must have her own explanation. What else?
However, this is not so difficult to explain. As evidenced by the data of developmental psychology, the central neoplasm in adolescence is the emerging "feeling of adulthood," the desire, if not to be, then at least to be considered an adult. The emerging new life position of the adolescent, who in every possible way seeks to assert his independence, comes into conflict with everyday care, and this becomes the soil that engenders conflicts and protest.
Yesterday my mother sanctioned the choice of friends, chose clothes and shoes to her liking, carefully wrapped a scarf around her neck and buttoned the top button of her coat - you are prone to colds! - I checked my homework, pulled a heavy suitcase from my hands - give it to dad, don't forget that you had an expansion of the groin rings, you want to earn a hernia! And it was taken for granted. Today...
So that I wear this ?! You will still fasten my bib and booties!
- All our guys go without hats. Well, what if eighteen degrees. I have such thick hair, no frost will take.
- Let's come to an agreement once and for all. My diary is not a calendar - there is no need to look there every day. I heard, heard how dad studied. Your yardstick is not an international measure ...
For all positions - afront. And it is difficult for parents to understand anything, and nothing can be done: everything meets with hostility - suspiciously, irreconcilably. The fruits of overprotection are reaped; the spring, compressed to the limit, straightens, breaking the existing system of family relations. The rebellion against the affectionate guardianship of the father and mother in its consequences is not much different from the struggle against the parental harsh dictatorship. The form of protest can be different - from the cold politeness of detachment and alienation to a rude, ruthless rebuff. It already depends on the individual personality traits of the teenager and the nature of the parents' reaction to the emerging situation.
It is difficult to give a recipe for how to behave in this critical situation for parents. In all likelihood, there is no such recipe suitable for every family. One thing is clear - the system of relations with a son or daughter should be drastically revised. Find ways of flexible transition from the type of communication, which is characterized by "morality of obedience", to the type of relationship specific to the communication of adults.
Of course, it is extremely difficult for an adult to overcome the inertia of the established relationship with children. Many argue like this: "What an adult he is, he still can't wash his neck and ears properly", "An adult, but he didn't earn a penny in his life on his own." That is how it is, but only this adulthood is measured from two sides by different standards.
Parents take into account the relative stability of the teenager's life situation (he was and remains a schoolboy, financially completely dependent on them), the presence of visible childish features in him - "you can't see mine, so he pours five tablespoons of sand into tea!" - and make the conclusion: "what kind of adult he is - as he was unintelligent, he remained so, even though his mustache is breaking through." Let's face it, this conclusion is both subjective and questionable.
If we bear in mind the position and measure of a teenager, then there is another logic: “I am sixteen years old, I have read maybe twice as many books as you and your father put together. didn’t want me to go to work after finishing my nine-year-old - I wouldn’t sit on your neck until the devil knows what age. if they want to do it with me, they do it like with a first-grader. : are you probably still fighting with girls? "
This or any other similar inner monologue is delivered by more than one boy, to whom his parents make it clear that he still needs care. Undoubtedly, he is far from objectivity, and in reality he does not have so many reasons to claim the rights of an adult. And yet, the balance in the family will be restored only if the parties find forms of reasonable compromise, and the father and mother will treat with due respect the rights of the maturing member of their family.
But, what is important to emphasize, the conflict does not arise in families where, without giving up control, without which a person's upbringing is unthinkable, parents, even in their elementary school age, reduce custody to a minimum. If such a comparison is permissible here, they, while maintaining the main strategic heights of family pedagogy, namely, monitoring the observance of moral norms, taking care that their child does not grow up as a dependent and a drone, that he fulfills his social duty, doing well at school, present him with the maximum independence in solving constantly arising tactical problems, intervening only when it is impossible not to intervene, and by no means on every occasion and occasion.
If guardianship, which is a form of certain activity of parents in the system of family relations, acquires the character of forcing children to responsibility and independence, then let there be guardianship! It will not bring harm and will not generate conflict. They say that war is a product of diplomacy, but by other means. If relatively peaceful family relations come to an impasse, if the tactics of diktat meet with resistance and, as they say, the scythe finds itself on the stone - in whose hands this scythe is, seniors or juniors - if custody becomes burdensome and they no longer want to put up with it, and the guardians do not intend to abandon it, which is when these very "other means" are used.
Confrontation
One might think that a long-term positional war is going on in this large apartment ... Who can argue - a person's whole life consists of victories and defeats, but if people are close to each other, the victory of one is the victory of all, defeat is experienced by all as equals. It was different here. They fought among themselves.
- Did you get a deuce? What did your mother tell you? This is all because of Kupunov, yesterday they spent the whole evening with him on a model, and today - a deuce!
- Dad, I got a mark on my math test. We wrote it last week. Remember, I went to school after the flu. And we just started making the model yesterday ...
- All the same, you won't touch this model again. Do business! And so that Kupunov's legs are not in the house!
- Well, why are you attached to Kupunov? He studies well, does not swear, does not fight ... - The boy casts a sidelong glance towards his mother and quietly adds: - He does not come to visit drunk and does not drink vodka with anyone. He doesn't drink a bit ...
- This was still lacking .. - the father begins, and suddenly the meaning of what has been said reaches him. - What do you mean?! What do you allow yourself ?! Yes, I'm with you now ...
Let's lower the curtain over this stage. It is already clear that enmity and war are common in this family. It is difficult to expect that peace will come here between generations. Irritation builds up, mutual grievances grow, constant confrontation forces the parties to notice and exaggerate each other's weaknesses. There is gloating about failures, troubles that fall on the lot of another.
- Not accepted? Serves you right. Ballerina! This is with your posture, figure! You better learn how to sew, ”says the mother of her daughter, who has returned after an unsuccessful debut at the ballet studio, with undisguised pleasure.
You can rest assured that when a mother gets into trouble at work, she will not find sympathy from her daughter - the bill will be paid in the same coin.
Everything is like in war. However, in war, as a rule, the strongest wins. Here, both sides are a loser - there can be no victory. The Cold War, as children grow up and begin to deny the morality of obedience, turns into a "hot" one. The forces of the parties are balanced: for rudeness - with rudeness, for gloating - with gloating. Pedagogical collapse turns into family collapse.
I don’t want to make too pessimistic predictions - after all, sometimes it somehow settles itself out and forms itself, but the final reckoning comes only after many years, when helpless parents, in turn, will be forced to submit to the morality of obedience, which those who have entered into force and children who have preserved their fighting qualities.
Peaceful coexistence
The fourth type of family tactics is peaceful coexistence from a position of non-interference. Everything looks quite decent here. Everyone has their own affairs, their own problems, their own difficulties and successes. Parents work, children study, each has its own sphere, its own branch of activity. Nobody crosses the demarcation line, there can only be misunderstandings. And it seemed that this type of family relationship should only be welcomed.
It happens that parents even take pride in maintaining such neutrality.
Mother says: "Senya lives his own life, I - mine, (she is divorced from her husband).
The class teacher asks: "When did Semyon come home yesterday?" - I say: "It seems, at seven." - "Well, you see, I left school at two. Where was he, what did he do for five hours?" - I don't know what he was doing. I never ask him. It will be necessary - he himself will tell. He studies well, teachers do not complain. Does he ask about my business, about my life? I think no. Why would he need it? I have his, he has his. "
The separateness of the worlds of the child and adults is often literally declared, under which a "pedagogical" foundation is even laid - let it grow independent, independent, uninhibited, free. How to treat this? There are, of course, different family circumstances. I admit that, in particular, my interlocutor had good reasons - it is difficult to raise a son without a father. But more often than not, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of the educator, who shies away from active intervention, preferring a comfortable and not requiring mental costs coexistence with a teenager.
What is the result? By embarking on the path of forming an individualist, parents reap the bitter fruits of individualism. The family does not exist as a center of attraction, as an emotional magnet, as a home for a child. The life of his family, their joys and hardships for him is sealed. And sooner or later a critical moment will come - trouble, illness, difficulties - when they will demand from him both participation and inclusion in general family problems, and good feelings, and they will be convinced of his complete inability to do all this. They will bitterly complain about the failure of a young man as a son, a girl as a daughter, not realizing that this is the failure of the existing system of family relations.
Cooperation
But there should also be an optimal type of tactics for family education. Yes, this is cooperation. It is in the situation of cooperation that the individualism of the child is overcome, the traits of the collectivist are formed. And this already presupposes that the family acquires a special quality, becomes a group of a special type, turns into a collective.
Collaboration should be the subject of a special analysis of social psychology in the context of the collective problem.
It is this way of organizing ties between the older and younger generations, as cooperation, that seems to be optimal, and certainly not guardianship, non-interference and coexistence.
But is it possible to talk about cooperation between a man and a woman, for example, at the age of 33-36, and a twelve-year-old girl, their daughter. It would seem that cooperation is clearly not on an equal footing. But it seems that there is no contradiction here. I would not like to confine myself to retelling examples of the successful participation of children in domestic work (feasible cleaning, purchasing food, washing dishes, caring for younger brothers and sisters, etc.), well-known in our popular pedagogical literature. This, of course, is an essential aspect of joint activities, and should not be overlooked.
But there is one more aspect of consideration of the problem of cooperation between generations, strictly a psychological one.
We must not forget that society makes demands on each of its members, both adults and children. This set of requirements is fixed in educational production standards, rules of behavior, moral criteria, etc. The social assessment of a person - regardless of his age - depends on how he meets these criteria, rules and norms, fulfills his obligations. And here one more aspect of cooperation between children and parents opens up - "participation".
The great Russian thinker Alexander Nikolaevich Radishchev, speaking of human dignity, emphasized: "... man is more than anyone else a being who participates." "Participation" - an emotional effective inclusion in the affairs of another person, active help, sympathy, empathy - cements the interconnection of generations in the family, leaves no room for indifference, callousness, selfishness. Responsiveness in the face of troubles and difficulties, the desire to immediately respond is a form of manifestation of "participation" and evidence of readiness for cooperation and support.
The harmony of family relationships presupposes reciprocity in the manifestation of complicity. Of course, parents, as a rule, when offering their child cooperation and support in business (helping him learn, teaching work and sports skills, sharing responsibility with him in difficult circumstances, etc.), find "complicity." However, is it always inherent in the addressee of parental emotions? Unfortunately, the child does not always reciprocate.
The life of an adult is replete with difficult, sometimes just difficult, sometimes dramatic situations. If we want our son or our daughter to become closer, dearer (note, we are talking about them moving closer to us, since it is unnecessary to encourage parents to approach), then the first rule is not to protect them from sorrows and joys an adult, and make them not only their witnesses, but also their direct participants. Moreover, to do this as early as possible, directly and boldly, giving accessible (taking into account age) explanations.
It is appropriate to recall the book by K. Chukovsky "From two to five". The kid enthusiastically shouts out the poetic lines he just born: "Bim, bom, tili, tili, our mother was cut!" This, of course, is very funny, but behind this charming naivete of the child comes through the life drama of the situation, past which the mother, obviously, led her son, carefully covering his eyes with her hand, left him indifferent and insensitive.
You know, the husband goes to the operation. Very serious. And his heart ... In general, what do you advise me? Should I tell Lesha or not? The husband says - don't. Say, they say, he went on a business trip, he does not need to worry, he is still small. How to be?
Your husband will recover, let's hope so, - says the teacher. - May this be the greatest happiness for Alyosha, may he dream of the day when his father, leaning on his shoulder, will leave the hospital. How happy it will be for him to help you in caring for a convalescent. Feel needed, useful, support for mom and father. No no! He needs to know. Don't hide it from life!
This is how complicity is tied, without which the cooperation of generations is unthinkable. A family, three or four people connected by family ties, may or may not become a collective, depending on what character their relationship will acquire, whether it be confrontation, coexistence or complicity and cooperation.
Collaboration involves employees. The only question is: how many of them are needed for successful cooperation? Someone will definitely hurry up to answer: three (apparently, they mean father, mother, child). Someone will say: five means that grandmother and grandfather did not remain forgotten. Still would! In a family ensemble, they are not the last employees. And rarely, rarely will someone increase this number by expanding the younger age group. In any case, it is difficult to expect that we will go beyond the magic number "seven". I even once encountered an attempt to justify the desire not to increase the size of the family by referring to the latest data from social psychology (although my interlocutor was a scientist).
He told me something like this: "Well, what kind of cooperation can we talk about when the family grows to a double-digit number. Cooperation means sympathy, pity for each other, special sensitivity and, most importantly, effective help. Without this, cooperation is unthinkable. Do you remember the experiments. Latane (renowned Western psychologist) —He proved experimentally that the more witnesses to someone else's misfortune, the less likely the victim is to receive help.
In a large family, this approach is likely, moreover, it is inevitable. There are so many children that their "value" inevitably falls, the family-wide fund of empathy (recall once again that this term is used in psychology to denote pity, sympathy, empathy. - A. L.) is divided equally into all, and the divisor is so great that the private turns out to be negligible. No, love, mutual understanding, and cooperation are the function of a small group of closely related people. The smaller the family, the more chances it has to bond on an emotional basis and successfully cooperate in solving family problems. "
I had to argue. Yes, B. Latane's experiments are well known, and I consider it impossible to question their purity. I doubt the ability to draw far-reaching conclusions from these experiments. Domestic psychologists have more than once had reason to assert that the results of experiments conducted on random groups of people should not apply to collectives.