The impact of family group speech therapy on the problem of impaired family communication
1. Essence, causes, types of marital conflicts
2. Typical Marital Relationship Problems
3. Crisis periods of marital relations
Conflict is a clash of oppositely directed goals, interests, positions, opinions of the subjects of interaction.
The specificity of family conflicts lies in the fact that their participants, as a rule, are not opposing parties who have adequately realized their goals, rather they are victims of their own unconscious personal characteristics and inadequate vision of the situation.
The structure of the conflict is characterized by a conflict situation (participants and the object of the conflict) and an incident (open collision of the participants in the conflict).
The characteristics of a family conflict include the initiator (potential initiator) of the conflict, the participants in the conflict, whose composition may go beyond the nuclear family, the method of resolving (processing) the conflict, the dynamics of its course, and the results.
The following stages are distinguished in the dynamics of the conflict: the emergence of an objective pre-conflict situation; awareness of this situation as a conflict one; incident; resolution (end of the conflict); post-conflict situation.
We can talk about the positive (constructive) and negative (destructive) functions of the conflict.
Depending on the dynamics, actual conflicts are distinguished, i.e. currently being implemented and directly related to a specific problem, and progressing, in which the scale and intensity of the opposition of the participants is growing more and more; habitual conflicts that arise for any reason and are characterized by emotional fatigue of partners who do not make real efforts to resolve them. Behind the usual conflicts, as a rule, deep-seated contradictions are hidden, suppressed and displaced from consciousness.
In terms of severity, conflicts can be open, manifest in behavior and implicit, hidden.
The origins of a conflict are based on the reasons that determine its zone:
Inadequate motivation for marriage;
Violation of the role structure of the family due to inconsistency in the ideas of its members about the family structure, family values;
Unresolved problems of family leadership;
Inconsistency and inconsistency of ideas about the values, goals and methods of raising children;
Disharmony of sexual relations;
Violations and distortions of the feeling of love;
Limiting opportunities for personal growth;
Complication of interpersonal communication;
Low level of material well-being;
Cramped living conditions;
Ineffective budget planning and execution;
Financial disagreements related to the exaggerated material needs of one of the family members, with the decision on the contribution of each of the spouses to the family budget;
Low level of cooperation, mutual assistance and mutual support in solving household problems of the family, division of domestic labor, caring for children and the elderly;
Ineffective system of relations between the nuclear family and the extended,
family due to excessive blurring or rigid boundaries;
The inability of the nuclear family to flexible reconstruction of the boundaries of the family system, especially at the transitional stages of its life cycle;
Ineffective system of interaction between parent and child subsystems, excessive rigidity of their boundaries;
Jealousy, adultery;
Deviant behavior of one of the family members (alcoholism, aggression and violence, use of psychoactive substances, addiction to gambling, etc.);
Inconsistency of marital ideas about the optimal mode of spending leisure time, rest, the nature of relationships and communication with friends.
These reasons determine the zones of conflict that can be correlated with the main functions of the family.
Typical problems underlying marital conflicts:
Lack of understanding between spouses:
Inability of one or both spouses to understand each other, to accept a point of view
The inability of one or both spouses to prove St. correctness in any issue of family life
Difficulties of spouses in reaching agreement on any issue of family life
Lack of desire of one or both spouses to go to a meeting with others when discussing and deciding on any issue of family life.
Incompatibility of characters:
One or both spouses have such character traits that are unacceptable in dealing with people;
Actions on the part of the spouse cause opposition, negative reaction from the other spouse;
One or both spouses are not able to calmly talk to each other, they are often irritated without a sufficient reason.
Incompatibility of habits, deeds, actions:
the habits of one of the spouses are unacceptable to the other, irritate him;
One or both spouses in different life situations behave in such a way that their behavior does not suit the other;
Actions taken by one of the spouses create problems for others, prevent them from achieving their own goals;
One or both spouses have at the same time some bad habits that are psychologically unacceptable for other people.
Differences in views on intra-family issues requiring consensus:
Distribution of roles and responsibilities in the family;
Distributions within the family budget;
Apartment equipment;
Intra-family life;
Nutrition;
Teaching and raising children;
Family recreation organizations;
Relationship with relatives.
Sexual Relationship Problems:
Low culture of sexual relations between spouses;
Psychophysiological problems;
Incompatibility of spouses;
The costs of raising one or both spouses
Conflicts and disagreements in relations between spouses can be caused by the emergence of normative and non-normative crises of life together.
Normative crises in the development of the family system are associated with the transition from stage to stage of the family life cycle and consist in resolving the contradictions between the new tasks facing the family and the nature of interaction and communication between family members. P. Boss calls the difficulties experienced by most families at the time of changes in their functions and structure, normative stressors. Each transition sets new goals and objectives for the family and requires structural and functional restructuring, including a change in the hierarchy of family functions, resolving the issue of leadership and leadership, and the distribution of roles. Successful resolution of transition crises ensures the effective functioning of the family and its harmonious development.
Non-standard family crises are caused by events such as divorce, adultery, changes in the composition of the family, not related to the birth of a child, adoption of adopted children, the inability of spouses to live together for various reasons, teenage pregnancy, financial difficulties.
S. Kratokhvil singles out the "standard" time of the onset of such crises, depending on the length of the marriage: in the intervals of 3-7 and 17-25 years of experience.
The crisis of 3-7 years has been going on for about a year. It manifests itself in a loss of romantic moods, a decrease (loss) of mutual understanding, an increase in conflicts, emotional tension, a feeling of dissatisfaction with marriage, and adultery.
Its occurrence is facilitated by the following factors:
Disappearance of romantic moods, active rejection of contrast in the behavior of a partner during the period of falling in love and in everyday family life;
An increase in the number of situations in which spouses find different views on things and cannot come to an agreement;
More frequent manifestations of negative emotions, increased tension in relationships between partners.
If we take into account that the birth of a child occurs in a family at about 3-4 years of marriage, then it is easy to see that the chronological interval of 3-7 years of marriage is linked to the stage of the family with small children (infancy and early age), i.e. ... with the period of the most severe restructuring of the family system - the beginning of parenting, the forced alienation of the young mother from professional and educational activities, the restriction of the spouses in their usual way of life, communication, leisure, and a decrease (as a rule) in the level of material well-being of the family. Thus, these recurring crises of the family are due to changes in its functions and structure.
The crisis of 17-25 years is not so pronounced, but more prolonged (up to several years). Its symptoms are an increase in emotional instability, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of adult children from the family, the experience of aging.
Its occurrence often coincides:
With the approach of the period of involution, with an increase in emotional instability, fears, the appearance of various somatic complaints;
With the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children;
The second “standard” time interval for the onset of the crisis covers the period “family with adolescent children”, the particular vulnerability of which we have already discussed above, and the period of separation of adult children associated with the completion of their upbringing function.
Thus, the most striking manifestations of crises in the life cycle of a family are associated with the beginning and termination of parenting and child-rearing functions by spouses.
Literature:
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4.
Topic 9 Divorce as a socio-psychological phenomenon
1. Socio-psychological essence of divorce. Reasons and motives for divorce
2. The dynamics of divorce
3. Consequences of divorce
· Divorce is the dissolution of a marriage, i.e. its legal termination during the life of the spouses. Divorce is an abnormal family crisis, the main content of which is a state of disharmony caused by a violation of the homeostasis of the family system, requiring the reorganization of the family as a system.
Reasons for divorce:
E. Tiit (1980) identifies three groups of risk factors for divorce:
1. Personal risk factors: individual psychological characteristics of spouses, experience of family life of the grandparent family, the state of neuropsychic and somatic health of the spouses, socio-demographic characteristics.
2. Risk factors due to the history of creating a family: conditions of acquaintance; features of the premarital period, motivation for marriage, primary compatibility of a married couple.
3. Unfavorable conditions for the functioning of the family: unfavorable housing and material and economic conditions, low efficiency of role behavior of family members, deprivation of significant needs of family members, deviant behavior of spouses, high conflict, sexual disharmony.
Divorce is the result of the destabilization of marital relations, which is preceded by a rather lengthy process in which stages and periods can be distinguished.
J. Lee's concept of the breakdown of emotional relationships:
1. Awareness of dissatisfaction.
2. Expression of dissatisfaction.
3. Negotiations.
4. Making decisions.
5. Transformation of relationships.
Stephen Duck identified 4 phases of the breakdown of emotional relationships:
1. Intrapsychic (internal) One or both spouses have a feeling of internal dissatisfaction. Possible outcomes of this phase:
• accept this and express pleasure on the surface or not show your dissatisfaction in any way;
· Decide to express your displeasure to your partner.
2. Interpsychic (between spouses), or dyadic - partners discuss their relationship. In this phase, self-disclosure rises, the spouses try to experiment. This can take years. The outcome is also possible in two ways:
• restructuring of relations - their stabilization;
Decay acceptance (if the experiment ended unsuccessfully)
3. Social phase - other people (relatives, friends) are involved in the process of family disintegration. The fact of the disintegration should become “common property”, should be “sanctioned by others”. The environment and ceases to perceive the spouses as a couple. The outcome of this phase: the termination of social relations, the disintegration of the family.
4. The finishing phase (as if again intrapsychic): the former spouses process the experience gained within themselves and remain with their experiences and memories. The outcome of this phase is possible in two ways:
• reconciliation with the situation, with oneself;
· Extraction of positive moments, lessons, acquisition of personal experience;
· What happened is perceived as a failure attributed to oneself. This entails breakdowns, tantrums, neuroses.
A. Maslow proposed a dialectical model of the divorce process, which includes seven stages and the corresponding therapeutic methods for helping its participants:
1. Emotional divorce. Pair therapy or the participation of a couple in group therapy is appropriate.
2. Time for reflection despair before divorce. Pair therapy, divorce therapy, or some form of group therapy is possible.
3. Legal divorce. At this stage, children especially need psychological help. Therapeutic intervention can be beneficial for all seven, as well as for each individually.
4. Economic Divorce Therapeutic intervention can be individual for adults and group for children.
5. Striking a balance between parenting and custody.
6. Time for self-exploration and return to balance after divorce. Individual therapy for adults and children and group therapy for singles is possible.
7. Psychological divorce. Various types of therapy are possible.
Behavior strategies in a pre-divorce situation:
1. Belligerently hating (return a spouse at any cost).
2. Exacerbation of love - search for any options how to keep, attract a partner.
3. Accept reality as it is.
Post-divorce situation
The nature of the response to the termination of the relationship depends on the event of the divorce itself (its form, depth, duration, the number of participants involved), the attitude of the spouses towards it, and the available resources.
The end of a marital relationship is not an easy change in a person's marital status, but a change in his entire way of life - economic, social, sexual. The depression experienced by a spouse after a divorce can be more severe and prolonged than after the death of a spouse. Others rarely support a divorced spouse. Divorce gives rise to many problems, both conscious (where to live? How to live?) And unconscious (the depth of the crisis after the collapse of the marital relationship).
Socio-psychological consequences of divorce:
1. Decrease in fertility;
2. Worsening conditions for family education;
3. Decrease in human performance;
4. Deterioration of health indicators, an increase in morbidity and mortality (for those divorced within a year after divorce, the risk of diseases increases by 30%);
5. The growth of alcoholism;
6. Increase in the number of suicidal outcomes;
7. Increased risk of mental illness.
Literature:
5. Karabanova O.A. The psychology of family relationships and the basics of family counseling. M., 2004.
6. Fundamentals of family psychology and family counseling / Ed. N.N. Posysoeva. M., 2004
7. Prokhorova O.G. Fundamentals of family psychology and family counseling. M., 2007.
8. The psychology of family relationships with the basics of family counseling. Ed. Silyaeva E.G. M., 2002
In a family, each person is individual and unique: family members see and evaluate their family life differently. This determines the characteristics of the family, its type, which is determined by such an indicator as the quality of family relations.
American psychologist Muriel James identifies the following types of family unions: marriage of convenience, spiritual union, romantic marriage, partnership-based marriage, marriage based on love.
Marriage of convenience. People who marry for reasons of profit most often see this union as a practical solution to some special problem. Historically, the oldest foundation of marriage has been profit. At different times, marriage solved a variety of problems: political, dynastic, economic, psychological, sexual, etc.
Some people see the psychological benefit of marriage in relieving themselves of loneliness. They try to get married out of fear or anxiety about their lonely future.
Usually, if we strive to get married for the sake of our peace of mind and psychological comfort, then we are trying to start a family to satisfy our need to take care of someone or in order to feel taken care of ourselves.
One of the main reasons for a marriage of convenience, which unites a man and a woman for living together, can be considered the desire to create a family. The expected benefit may be assistance with raising children or financial support. Quite often, the creation of a family is facilitated by the need for the future partner to perform burdensome household functions - washing, cooking, repairing household items, etc.
Even more often, marriage is based on economic considerations.Another type of marriage of convenience is the so-called dynastic marriages.... This also includes marriages for political reasons.
Marriages for convenience concluded for purely rational reasons, often provide practical solutions to a variety of problems. They can maintain their strength and stability for a long time, as long as the relationship between the spouses remains beneficial to both partners. Sometimes the comfort found in marriage becomes more stable, and marriages themselves gradually begin to include elements of romanticism. As a result, partner relationships develop into true love.
The inner cohesion of the modern family depends mainly on psychological reasons. Economic and economic interdependence alone is not enough for family cohesion, unlike in the past. The leading role here is played by family ties based on love, the desire of spouses for harmonious relationships, on the unity of views on the main issues of the life of all family members, on mutual understanding, respect, mutual responsibility and courtesy, on the unity of the requirements of all adult family members to children and to each other.
A wordless relationship is established between many spouses - partners feel each other, as if tuned in to the same wave, feeling a complete kinship of souls.
Romantic marriage... Muriel James views romantic love as a kind of idealized love, close to the state of acute love, passion, fueled by strong, exciting erotic feelings. Sometimes passion develops into true love for life, but it can remain just a passion.
Often married couples who have married with such feelings later complain that "they have no romance at all", that "the heat of passion has disappeared." The end of the honeymoon for such spouses means, as it were, the end of the period of romantic passion and the extinction of the "fever" that previously caused a mixture of suffering and delight when obstacles seemed so difficult and torment so strong.
The romance of love involves recognizing and treating a loved one as special and beautiful, but not as an adored or idealized person. Romance is necessary for the real daily life of the spouses, but it should also be in the intimate directions of the conjugal union.
Marriage-partnership. If romantic marriages are most often created on the basis of abstract dreams and tragic anguish, then marriage partnerships are much closer to real life.
Marriage-partnership is often found between spouses for whom romantic relationships in themselves do not bring joy and pleasure, and sexual desires have died out as a result of illness or some other reason. This is due to the fact that people tend to choose their friends and especially to marry those who are equal to them not only in terms of their intellectual level, but also in terms of their attractiveness. Experiments confirm this “equal” phenomenon.
For older people, this is especially important when there is a person next to whom you can share all the joys and sorrows of life, about whom you can take care of, thanks to whom the person is deprived of loneliness. Consequently, a marriage based on companionship is created with the common interests of both partners.
Open marriage... Behind the "open marriage" is a special worldview that excludes such concepts as physical betrayal, guilt arising from it; freedom of extramarital sexual contacts of each partner is not interpreted by the other as a betrayal. Such a marriage is built on the voluntary acceptance by a couple of principles and desires that suit both partners. “Participants” of such a marriage cease to profess sexual monogamy, adherence to one partner, who is a spouse, and begin with the knowledge and approval of each other to diversify their sexual contacts, while remaining a loyal and most importantly loving couple. Their supporters sharply and clearly share the physical affection that they periodically feel for various partners, and the true feeling that they have for each other.
Love-match... The word "love" is used in a variety of ways. Defining their relationship, men and women say that they have fallen in love or stopped loving, have lost love. Love is the name for the feeling that people have for their family, friends and loved ones. All these manifestations of the feeling of love are very important for people.
Feelings that arise between a man and a woman who show interest in each other can generate true mutual love even when interest takes a disguised form of some kind of benefit. People interested in each other are potentially able to create their own marriage for the sake of love. In marriage, love usually manifests itself more fully and strongly. It focuses on a specific person, tying together the inner essence of two people.
A marriage that includes elements of reciprocity consists of experiences of extraordinary depth and romantic outbursts of delightful passion, a fusion of common interests and expressions of great and reliable friendship. All these moments cement marriage, create unity, not excluding the possibility of solitude. In a marriage based on a feeling of love, both can successfully coexist.
The most durable and successful marriages are those in which feelings and reason do not replace, but complement each other. If you do not rush from one extreme to another, do not strive to get happiness immediately, but understand what and how it is built from, you can find feelings where they did not seem to exist, or lead to a happy longevity a marriage in which love seems to have disappeared ...
As we have already noted, the type of family is determined by the quality of family relationships, which include the following phases:
1. Choosing a partner.
2. Romanticizing relationships... At this stage, lovers are in a symbiotic relationship, perceive only dignity in a partner, look at each other through rose-colored glasses. There is no real perception of oneself and the other in marriage. If the motivation for marriage was contradictory, then many of the properties of the partner, which were not noticed at the beginning, can then be perceived as hypertrophied.
3... Individualization of the style of matrimonial relations. Formation of rules. As a result of negotiations, rules are developed that determine who, how and in what sequence performs certain actions in the family. Many repeatable rules become automatic. As a result, some interactions are simplified and some become ineffective.
4. Stability / Variability. Spouses go through various trials every day, answering the questions: what to give preference to? repeat what has already become the rule or try to create a new one. In a normally functioning family, the tendency towards stability is counterbalanced by the tendency towards change. If there is a rigid fixation of rules in the family, then the marriage acquires signs of a dysfunctional relationship, becomes stereotyped and monotonous.
5. Existential Assessment Phase... The spouses sum up the results of their life together, find out the degree of satisfaction / dissatisfaction with the years they have lived. The main outcome of this phase is deciding whether the marriage was genuine (harmonious and desirable) or accidental.
Family relationships, as a rule, play the role of the most important significant for the individual, that is, they play a leading role in the system of personal relationships, in addition, they are multifaceted and dependent on each other. The sphere of leisure, housekeeping, emotional and sexual-erotic relationships are closely related, making even a slight change in at least one of them causes changes in other spheres.
Throughout the entire life cycle, the family faces various difficulties, unfavorable conditions - all this leads to disruptions in the life of the family (disruption of family functions, as well as marital relations).
What types of problems are typical for families?
1... Violation of the ideas of family members about the family and each other's personality. Each member of the family, one way or another, imagines her. Partly his ideas are accurate, partly distorted and incomplete. However, regardless of their truth, they play a huge role in family life. The importance of understanding family ideas (the internal picture of the family) is recognized by both domestic and foreign scientists, moreover, in a variety of directions. Some of them believe that a person's distorted idea of himself and his relationships with other people is most often the result of a variety of family problems.
2. Violation of the communication process. Violation of ideas about another family member is considered as one of the important sources of violations of the communicative process (Bodalev A.A., 1982; Eidemiller E.G., Yustitsky V.V., 1990). Interpersonal communication requires communicators to have a good idea of each other's personality. A distorted view of another family member can act as a serious barrier to understanding in information communication. Mutual understanding between spouses is seen as one of the most important prerequisites for family stability. In the process of communication, discrepancies arise between the messages sent and received, since one speaker - the listener cannot master all the potentialities of each word. Gordon's research (Gorgon T., 1975) showed that a significant part of the information that family members usually exchange eludes the person who transmitted it, and the latter is inclined to believe that everything he wanted to say is perceived and understood.
3. Violation of the mechanisms of family integration. A truly family man knows that his whole life is closely connected with the life of his family, his leisure is inseparable from the leisure of the family, many important needs for him are satisfied in the family, that is, we can talk about the integration of the individual with the family. Violation of integration mechanisms is expressed in the tendency of separate satisfaction of their needs (lack of a common household, separate rest, money, company). In addition, mutual trust (trust in credit) decreases, there is no feeling that if I am doing something for myself, then I am doing for another. The reasons for violations of family integration are:
- a) the characterological characteristics of the spouses that prevent the formation of sympathy and empathy for each other;
- b) unconscious attitudes (naive psychological ideas);
- c) lack of family members' skills to identify qualities that cause sympathy.
Rule: roles in the family should be allocated in such a way as to give their needs the best possible satisfaction.
The roles of the "family scapegoat", "family martyr", "sick family member" and others are pathologizing, that is, they can lead to disruption of the life of the family and the trauma of its members. Sometimes, one of the family members plays a role that is traumatic for himself, but psychologically beneficial to other family members. In other cases, family members directly or indirectly encourage someone in the family to take on this role. The pathologizing role of one family member can be traumatic for others, not for himself. At present, a considerable number of pathologizing roles have been identified, and their description has been given. Eidemiller E.G. and Yustitskis V.V. proposed their classification. It is based on two criteria: the sphere of family life, the violation of which is associated with the emergence of pathologizing roles and the motive for their emergence.
Ponasenkova S.V., Vitebsk State University, Vitebsk, BelarusDisruption of family relationships is a complex problem that requires a complex, interdisciplinary study. In each individual case of family counseling, the psychologist should rely on various methods and techniques to identify this violation of family relations and propose a system of measures for its correction.
Literature:
1. Rogov E.I. Relationship psychology: men and women. - M .: Publishing house "VLADOS-PRESS", 2002. - 288 p.
2. Eidemiller EG, Yustitskis V. Psychology and psychotherapy of the family. - 3rd ed. - SPb .: Peter, 2002 .-- 656 p.
Goals: consider and study the types of family relationships, types of problems typical for families; determine the influence of the family on the teenager; to formulate rules for the prevention of conflicts between spouses.
Carrying out methods: story, conversation, explanation.
Location: classroom.
Time spending: 45 minutes
Plan:
1. Introductory part:
- org. moment;
- survey
2.Main part:
- learning new material
3. Conclusion:
- repetition;
Types of family unions and violation of family relationships.
The family is a small social group based on marital union and family ties.
In the process of personality formation, the family plays a dominant role: this is the first step of socialization and self-awareness of the individual.
In a family, each person is individual and unique: family members see and evaluate their family life differently. This determines the characteristics of the family, its type, which is determined by such an indicator as the quality of family relations.
As already noted, the type of family is determined by the quality of family relationships, which include the following phases:
1. Choosing a partner.
2. Romanticization of relationships. At this stage, lovers are in a symbiotic relationship, perceive only dignity in a partner, look at each other through rose-colored glasses. There is no real perception of oneself and the other in marriage. If the motivation for marriage was contradictory, then many of the properties of the partner, which were not noticed at the beginning, can then be perceived as hypertrophied.
3. Individualization of the style of matrimonial relations. Formation of rules. As a result of negotiations, rules are developed that determine who, how and in what sequence does certain actions in the family. Many repeatable rules become automatic. As a result, some interactions are simplified and some become ineffective.
4. Stability / Variability. Spouses go through various trials every day, answering the questions: what to give preference to? repeat what has already become the rule or try to create a new one. In a normally functioning family, the tendency towards stability is counterbalanced by the tendency towards change. If there is a rigid fixation of rules in the family, then they become stereotyped and monotonous.
5. The phase of existential assessment. The spouses sum up the results of their life together, find out the degree of satisfaction / dissatisfaction with the years they have lived. The main outcome of this phase is deciding whether the marriage was genuine (harmonious and desirable) or accidental.
Family relationships, as a rule, play the role of the most important significant for the individual, that is, they play a leading role in the system of personal relationships, in addition, they are multifaceted and dependent on each other. The sphere of leisure, housekeeping, emotional and sexual-erotic relationships are closely related, making even a slight change in at least one of them causes changes in other spheres.
Throughout the entire life cycle, the family faces various difficulties, unfavorable conditions - all this leads to disruptions in the life of the family (disruption of family functions, as well as marital relations).
What types of problems are typical for families?
1. Violation of the ideas of family members about the family and each other's personality. Each member of the family, one way or another, imagines her. Partly his ideas are accurate, partly distorted and incomplete. However, regardless of their truth, they play a huge role in family life. The importance of understanding family ideas (the internal picture of the family) is recognized by both domestic and foreign scientists, moreover, in a variety of directions. Some of them believe that a distorted idea of a person about himself and his relationships with other people is most often the result of a variety of family problems.
2. Violation of the communication process. Violation of ideas about another family member is considered as one of the important sources of impaired communication. Interpersonal communication requires communicators to have a good idea of each other's personality. A distorted view of another family member can act as a serious barrier to understanding in information communication. Mutual understanding between spouses is seen as one of the most important prerequisites for family stability. In the process of communication, discrepancies arise between the messages sent and received, since one speaker - the listener cannot master all the potentialities of each word.
3. Violation of the mechanisms of family integration. A truly family man knows that his whole life is closely connected with the life of his family, his leisure is inseparable from the leisure of the family, many important needs for him are satisfied in the family, that is, we can talk about the integration of the individual with the family. Violation of integration mechanisms is expressed in the tendency of separate satisfaction of their needs (lack of a common household, separate rest, money, company). In addition, mutual trust (trust in credit) decreases, there is no feeling that if I am doing something for myself, then I am doing for another. The reasons for violations of family integration are:
a) the characterological characteristics of the spouses that prevent the formation of sympathy and empathy for each other;
b) unconscious attitudes (naive psychological ideas);
c) lack of family members' skills to identify qualities that cause sympathy.
4. Violation of structural-role interaction. To carry out family functions requires a certain organization of the family. The specific socio-psychological form of organizing the life of the family is the structure of the roles that exist in it. It determines what, by whom, in what sequence should be done. By "role" is meant "normatively approved forms of behavior expected from an individual holding a certain position in the system of social and interpersonal relations." The concept of "role" also includes sanctions and norms. Family roles are divided into conventional and interpersonal roles. Conventional are the roles defined by law, morality, tradition for any person (the right of any mother in relation to children and children in relation to the mother). Interpersonal roles are more dependent on the specific personal characteristics of the family (the role of a pet can be played by both a sick child and a gifted one). For the family to function, certain structural and role rules must be fulfilled.
Rule: the roles in the family should be distributed in such a way as to give satisfaction to their needs in the best possible way. The roles of the "family scapegoat", "family martyr", "sick family member" and others are pathologizing, that is, they can lead to disruption of the life of the family and the trauma of its members. Sometimes, one of the family members plays a role that is traumatic for himself, but psychologically beneficial to other family members. In other cases, family members directly or indirectly encourage someone in the family to take on this role. The pathologizing role of one family member can be traumatic for others, not for himself. At present, a considerable number of pathologizing roles have been identified, and their description has been given. Eidemiller E.G. and Yustitskis V.V. proposed their classification. It is based on two criteria: the sphere of family life, the violation of which is associated with the emergence of pathologizing roles and the motive for their emergence.
Disruption of family relationships is a complex problem that requires a complex, interdisciplinary study. In each individual case of family counseling, the psychologist must rely on various methods and techniques to identify this violation of family relations and propose a system of measures for its correction.
FAMILY AND TEEN.
In this section, I want to talk about the impact of conflicts in the family on the teenager. I think this topic is worth touching on due to the fact that conflicts in the family have a very strong effect on the psyche of the younger generation, and these violations have a very strong effect on the formation of a family by the teenager himself.
Modern statistics show that just over half of all first marriages between the ages of 25 and 29 are often divorced over time. The overwhelming majority of divorced couples have children, often already in adolescence. More and more practicing psychiatrists and psychologists consider the divorce of parents as the main negative event in the life of a teenager, a source of uncertainty, confusion of painful experiences. some experts believe that in most cases, the mental wounds that children receive as a result of divorce are subsequently completely healed, others, on the contrary, insist that the shock experienced has a lasting impact and interferes with the further full emotional and social development of the teenager's personality.
The nature of the effect of divorce on adolescents also largely depends on the nature of its effect on the parents themselves. Their ability to adapt to a new situation - especially if the child is being taken care of - decisively affects how it will go. Adaptation of a teenager. The more anxious the mother and father are, the more likely it is that the child's state of mind will be disturbed.
There is strong evidence that people whose parents are divorced are more likely to get divorced than those who grew up in strong families. In other words, the propensity for divorce is passed down from generation to generation. Many researchers have tried to understand the reasons for this phenomenon. Today there are two plausible explanations for it. One of them is that the children of divorced parents, getting married, have already established ideas about the possibility of divorce and a reduced sense of responsibility in relation to marital duties, so their union can break down with a greater probability than those who grew up in a strong family. The second explanation is based on the fact that children of divorced parents marry before children from strong families. The reason for this may be an internal need to break free from an unfavorable home environment. But studies have shown that early marriages are much more likely to end in divorce.
Obviously, family members of re-marrying spouses can develop rather complex relationships. Children from such families, in addition to one of their parents, may have, depending on the situation, a stepfather or stepmother, half-brothers or half-brothers and sisters, step-grandparents and other relatives. The husband and wife themselves, in addition to communicating with each other, must maintain relationships with their parents, the parents of the spouse, as well as with other relatives, including, possibly, from a previous marriage. It is not surprising that the formation of such families is often difficult. But if you look from the other side, the researchers note that the husband and wife, who have created a new family, value marriage to a greater extent and do not want the repetition of vulgar mistakes. In addition, they are no longer so young, more mature, more experienced and take their responsibilities more seriously. In addition, there is an increased maturity in approaching many problems, as well as improved communication and decision-making skills, the distribution of responsibilities in new families became more equitable than before. In this section, I hope I have described well the impact of conflicts on children, which is important in our unstable time, when there are a lot of marriages of convenience. And if children suddenly appear, then they (children) become an “apple of discord”, the consequences of scandals in the family are postponed precisely on the children, and not on anyone.
Prevention of conflicts between spouses.
For young wives. Many grief and even suffering in family life are associated with the fact that the husband does not correspond to the ideal grown in his soul. In accordance with established ideas, most women value in a man reliability, the ability to make decisions in a difficult situation, and independence. These wonderful qualities can be enhanced in any man. However, in a family where the wife tries to make all the decisions herself, this is more difficult to implement. The conclusion suggests itself that it is unreasonable to make a decision alone; it is more promising to induce a husband to make decisions.
Do not be ashamed of your weakness if you are afraid of the dark and cannot carry heavy bags or hammer in nails. But if the husband has hammered in a nail, then the holiday should be for the whole district. Masculinity develops faster if a man often acts as a protection and support for a weak woman. The ability to encourage the manifestation of the abilities of a loved one determines the business career of a man, which largely depends on the disposition of his wife to reveal unremitting interest and complicity in his professional affairs. He must be sure that he will find in his wife not only an interested listener, but also a friend who, first of all, will try to understand and share his position, to stand up for his defense, regardless of objective circumstances. Helping a woman maintain self-esteem among all family members largely determines her own resilience and well-being. Tact and ceremoniality greatly adorns a woman. Even if she wants to say yes, then she should not rush.
Basic life values are formed in the parental family. The image, the ideal of the beloved woman, is largely inspired by the young man's memories of the image of my mother. And if a wife wants to understand what qualities her husband especially appreciates in her, it is useful to carefully study her husband's mother and grandmother with loving care. The fact that many men choose a wife based on how much she resembles her mother is a well established fact. Therefore, knowing about the properties of the husband's mother, one can, to some extent, predict the quality that determines the choice of this man. It is not surprising that understanding the feminine qualities that he values in his mother will help his wife understand and develop those qualities of her character that her husband especially appreciates. From here it becomes clear the perniciousness of opposing a mother-in-law to oneself and the desire to quarrel with her husband. This violates the ideal image of a wife, introduces deep discord in his mental life and destroys his mental health. A mother may be jealous of her son to his wife, given this, in no case should the age of the mother-in-law be taken into account. For example, it is advisable to choose gifts for her as a woman, and not as an elderly person. If you want to keep peace in the family, do not interfere with your husband's quarrels with your mother-in-law, as such an intrusion will offend her no matter what your position is. Better to just express confusion and concern.
For young husbands. For young husbands, speaking about the reasons for misunderstanding in the family, first of all, one must remember about the different dominance of men and women. Studies have shown that among men, there are more people with the left dominant hemisphere. Misunderstanding of women's behavior Men are convinced that women's logic is the absence of any logic. However, this is more the logic of feelings and relationships. Women intuitively consider the main advantage of a man to be intelligence, logic and reliability - (an excuse for those who do not have much ...). Men are also intuitively most fascinated by the external beauty of women, which is why they say that men and women love in different ways. Men with eyes and women with ears. A woman needs confirmation of love every day, otherwise she will think and say that she has long ceased to be loved. Love is intuitive in its essence, it is not surprising that sexuality is violated the more the more control and management over it. A woman's need for love is much stronger than that of a man. This is due to the role of the mother. A woman deprived of love quickly becomes despotic, since she does not have the opportunity to reveal herself as a woman.
Therefore, having noticed such a trick in the wife's behavior, one must first of all think about whether her need for love is satisfied.
A dissatisfied woman can replace her husband as an object of affectionate affection for her little son. This leads to the development of sensuality too early in him, which steals part of his future masculinity. The annoyance of the unloved wife is at the heart of the "all men are scum" scenario, which the mother unknowingly imposes on her daughter.
As the research results show, in the lives of many men, the center of gravity of their interests falls on official affairs, and for women, especially at a certain age, problems of family relations dominate. Hence, it is clear that with the loss of novelty in relationships in women, earlier than in men, dissatisfaction with family communication may arise and boredom begins to actively corrode intimate relationships. In such a situation, a man should overcome laziness and organize non-standard situations, which will help him and his wife turn to each other with new facets of their character.
What is a lucky complement? This is not a cliché, but a manifestation of benevolent attention, a person needs to be told what will most of all support him in a given situation. When complimenting, remember that there is good in every person. Highlighting and emphasizing this good we will not be stingy with praise - this is the art of compliment, its positive role, it consolidates the best in a person, fixing this best.
Women consider a successful gift as a deep understanding of their desires, the husband's ability to move from declaring feelings to actions. For example, the husband yells: “I love you so much that I’m ready to give you all the stars and the moon in addition” - “you don’t need the moon - I want the slivers”. The good impulse dries up under the influence of the prose of life - and other troubles.
Remember that love cannot be resurrected, much less awakened by reproaches and appeals.
Love rests on human dignity, it cannot be strengthened by constantly emphasizing shortcomings. Can be resurrected with a joyful (frenzied enthusiastic) mood.
If men are more inclined to love during periods of anxiety and dangers, then women are in a calm and relaxing atmosphere.
If love weakens, then one should look for new ways of reward and reward, since the old ones gradually decrease their value - they get used to them.
Literature
1. "Elements of practical psychology"; R.M. Granovskaya; St. Petersburg publishing house "Light" 1997
2. "Social psychology in education" N.I. Shevandrin; Moscow publishing house "Vlados" 1995
3. "Psychology of adolescence and youth" Philip Rice St. Petersburg publishing house "Peter" 2000
4. Rogov E.I. Relationship psychology: men and women. - M .: Publishing house "VLADOS-PRESS", 2002.
5. Eidemiller EG, Yustitskis V. Psychology and psychotherapy of the family. - 3rd ed. - SPb .: Peter, 2002.
A rare divorce does not result from a marital conflict for various reasons. Conflict is a conscious clash, confrontation between at least two people, groups, their mutually opposite, incompatible, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, types of behavior, relationships, attitudes that are essential for the individual and group (s).
Marital conflict is a rather complex phenomenon, covering different levels of interaction between spouses. The conflict itself cannot be assessed unequivocally only as a negative phenomenon in family life. The role of the conflict is largely determined by the family microclimate, the general background of communication, mutual satisfaction, and the degree of emotional attachment of the spouses.
Family conflicts are divided into constructive and destructive. In a constructive conflict, as a result of a clash of different opinions, assessments, a mutually acceptable solution to the issue arises, a feeling of satisfaction is born, tension and irritation decrease. In the case of a destructive conflict, dissatisfaction with the outcome of the interaction arises, which is usually not associated with finding a mutually acceptable solution to the problem; there remains a feeling of the inevitability of new similar collisions, emotional stress, irritation, annoyance.
Of significant importance in the emergence of a conflict are those expectations that people have formed at the time of marriage in relation to their future family, inclinations, personal characteristics, the specificity of the socio-cultural environment of their upbringing.
Family psychologists point out the following spheres of family life, which most often act as sources of marital conflicts: 1) problems of relations with relatives and friends; 2) issues related to the upbringing of children; 3) the manifestation of the spouses' desire for autonomy; 4) situations of violation of role expectations; 5) situations of mismatch of norms of behavior; 6) the manifestation of the desire for domination, power; 7) manifestation of jealousy; 8) discrepancies in relation to money.
In a study by O.E. Zuskova and V.P. Levkovich (1987), the following sources of conflicts in marital interaction were identified:
1) Systematic violation by spouses of the ethics of family communication, low communication culture (inattention, rudeness, sarcasm, etc.)
2) Insufficient satisfaction of the need to protect the "I-concept" in the process of conjugal interaction. The stability of the "self-concept" is supported, in particular, by the constancy of the forms of communication expected from the social environment. Support, mutual understanding, emotional comfort contributes to the awareness of the significance and value of your "I", the preservation of their own dignity;
3) Differences in the spouses' ideas about the distribution of family roles, about their implementation. The conflict can be especially acute because of the divergence in the idea of family leadership;
4) Features of interaction associated with mutual awareness of various aspects of life and personal characteristics of the spouses. The unwillingness of the spouses to inform each other about their affairs, intentions, the desire to conceal some information give rise to suspicion, mutual distrust, emotional stress;
5) Conflict in the family is associated with the peculiarities of the moral motivation of the spouses: the higher the level of moral motivation of the spouses, the lower the level of conflict in the family. The motivational structure of the highest type is characterized by the predominance of a person's orientation towards self-esteem as the leading motive of behavior (instead of orientation towards the assessment of others). Spouses with a high level of moral motivation are largely aware of themselves as subjects of their own activities, guided in their actions by conscience, as the main regulator of behavior.
The stability of a marriage depends not only on the satisfaction of the material needs of the spouses, but also on the satisfaction of emotional and psychological needs. Each of the spouses must satisfy their need for positive emotional feelings. A marriage is stable only when not one of the spouses experiences feelings of alienation and mental loneliness.
As factors preventing the emergence and development of destructive conflicts in marriage and family relations, first of all, one can name an increase in the level of the spouses' communicative competence, associated, first of all, with a change in attitude to the world around, to people, to oneself. Equally important is the mastery by the spouses of a special system of practical methods of conflict-free communication. The success of family relations is also largely determined by the formation of the individual style of marital interaction, including the nature of communication, methods of contact with others, ways to overcome disagreements, and the psychological microclimate of the family.
Researchers of family relations have come to the conclusion that a crisis-free development of the family is impossible, but not all reasons lead to destruction. Factors that can destroy a marriage include:
1. Overload and physical exhaustion. This is a grave danger. This is especially true for those young people who have just started their professional or academic career. It is dangerous to try to pay attention to everything at once: to study at the institute, to work full-time, to raise children, to equip life and to do business. Young couples often do just that. As a result of moral and physical strength, it begins to be lacking. The situation is most fraught with conflicts if the spouse is busy at work, and the spouse devotes himself to raising children and keeping the house. Initially, resentment and bitterness accumulate, which subsequently leads to conflicts.
2. Abuse of credit and quarrels over money spending.
3. Selfishness.
4. Intervention of parents. Some parents find it hard to imagine that their children are adults, independent people, and if they live nearby, they often interfere in the lives of young people, undermining their relationship.
5. Unrealistic expectations. Some people on the verge of marriage expect something truly extraordinary: an unbreakable idyll. Inevitable disappointment is an emotional trap.
6. Drunkenness and drugs. They kill not only marriages, but also people.
7. Anything that, as it were, "illegally" is introduced into the relationship of the spouses, is able to stand between the spouses (for example, jealousy, low self-esteem, etc.).
8. Pornography, gambling, all addictions in general.
In addition, there are the following factors:
· Strengthening of economic independence and social equality of women;
· Liberalization of views on divorce;
· Liberation from class, racial and national prejudices;
· Increase in life expectancy;
· Reducing the influence of parents on the choice of spouses;
· Inadequate motivation for marriage of one or both partners.
The process of family breakdown begins long before the official divorce. This period was called the pre-divorce situation. Family relationships during this period are characterized by high psychological tension and dysfunction, which can accompany former spouses and their children for a very long time.
Schneider identifies the following main reasons for divorce (as a percentage of the number of people of different ages surveyed):
· Material, everyday problems - 55;
• drunkenness of one of the spouses - 39;
· Weakening of the value of the family for the current generation - 27;
· Adultery - 19;
· Psychological incompatibility - 17;
• monotony and boredom of family life - 12;
· New love - 11;
· Absence of children - 7;
· Other - 2;
· Find it difficult to answer - 6.
An important condition for the study is the principle of non-identity of the motives for divorce and its reasons. Most often, the following motives for divorce are distinguished: lack of common views and interests (including religious disagreements), inconsistency (incompatibility) of characters, violation of marital fidelity, absence or loss of feelings of love, love for another, frivolous attitude to marital duties, bad relations with parents (intervention of parents and other relatives), drunkenness (alcoholism) of the spouse, lack of normal living conditions, sexual dissatisfaction.
The motive for divorce is understood as the justification for the decision that the needs in marriage cannot be met in the given marriage union.
At the level of ordinary consciousness, it is difficult to assess the totality of all the reasons that led to a divorce, attention is often fixed on the most obvious ones, such as drunkenness or violation of marital infidelity. Frequently used motives make it possible to avoid explaining the reasons (inconsistency of characters, poor living conditions). Former spouses give different reasons for the decision to dissolve the marriage. The motive "violation of marital infidelity" is put forward by 51% of men and only 28% of women, this confirms the well-known observation that men have a very negative attitude to the fact of female infidelity; 44.3% of women and only 10.6% of men attribute the divorce to “spouse's drunkenness”.
The choice of areas of work to prevent divorce directly depends on the reasons leading to this phenomenon. After all, it is precisely by eradicating the causes and motives that destroy the family that we can talk about strengthening the marriage.
American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich identify 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions.
It turned out that in unhappy families the spouses:
- do not think the same way on many issues and problems;
- poorly understand the feelings of another;
- speak words that annoy the other;
- often feel unloved;
- do not pay attention to the other;
- have an unmet need for trust;
- feel the need for a person who can be trusted;
- rarely compliment each other;
- are often forced to give in to the opinion of another;
- want more love.
S.V. Kovalev (1989) argues that, in the opinion of many psychologists, a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions is needed for family happiness:
- normal conflict-free communication;
- trust and empathy;
- understanding each other;
- normal intimate life;
- the presence of the House.
VA Sysenko (1989) divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem.
Conflict marital unions include those in which there are spheres between spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly collide, generating especially strong and lasting negative emotions.
Crisis ones are those where the confrontation between the interests and needs of the spouses is especially sharp and captures important spheres of the family's life.
Problematic marital unions are those that are faced with especially difficult life situations that can inflict a tangible blow to the stability of the marriage: lack of housing and prolonged illness of one of the spouses, long-term conviction, etc. However, the objective circumstances of the family's life affect its well-being only through their subjective assessment by the spouses. In the special medical literature, there is the concept of "neurotic family", used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from one or another neurosis, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on the marital relationship.
From other sources.
Marital conflicts.
Conflict is:
- a bipolar phenomenon (opposition of two principles), which manifests itself in the activity of the parties, aimed at overcoming contradictions,
- one of the forms of normal human interaction, does not always lead to destruction,
- an incentive to change, this is a challenge that requires a creative response,
- a conscious collision, confrontation between at least two people, their mutually opposite, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, attitudes that are essential for the individual.
M. Deutsch identified the types of conflicts:
1. A genuine conflict - existing objectively and adequately perceived (the wife wants to use the free room as a closet, and the husband as a darkroom).
2. Accidental or conditional conflict - can be easily resolved, although it is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still an area).
3. Displaced conflict - when something completely different is hidden behind an “obvious” conflict (when arguing over a free room, spouses are actually in conflict over ideas about the role of the wife in the family).
4. Incorrectly attributed conflict - when, for example, the wife scolds her husband for what he did, carrying out her own order, which she had already forgotten.
5. Latent (latent) conflict - based on the contradiction, which is not recognized by the spouses, which nevertheless objectively exists.
6. False conflict - exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.
In the course of the conflict, as a process, there are four main stages (K. Vitek, G.A. Navaitis):
- the emergence of an objective conflict situation
- awareness of an objective conflict situation
- transition to conflict behavior
- conflict resolution
The conflict becomes a reality only after realizing the contradictions, since only the perception of the situation as a conflict generates appropriate behavior (from this it follows that the contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving their goals, and blocking the achievement of the opposite side of its aspirations and intentions. It is essential that the opponent's actions must also be perceived by him as conflicting. There are two possible ways of resolving the conflict: changing the objective conflict situation and transforming its "images", ideas about the essence and nature of the conflict that the opponent has.
Typical models of behavior of spouses in interpersonal, intrafamily conflicts (V.A. Kan-Kalik, 1995):
1. the desire of the husband and wife to assert themselves in the family, for example, in the role of the head. Often, good advice from parents plays a negative role here.
2. Concentration of spouses on their own affairs. Typical is the "trail" of the previous way of life, habits, friends, unwillingness to sacrifice anything from their past life.
3. didactic. One spouse constantly teaches the other: how to behave, how to live, etc.
4. "Ready for battle". The spouses are constantly in a state of tension associated with the need to constantly repel attacks: in whose consciousness the inevitability of quarrels has become stronger, intra-family behavior is built as a struggle for victory in a conflict.
5. "papa's daughter", "mama's son". In the process of establishing relationships, parents constantly interfere in their clarification.
6. concern. Lack of positive experiences in family relationships.
Typical Causes of Marital Conflict.
According to research conducted in the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation by specialists from the Main Directorate of Educational Work, 11% of professional servicemen are not satisfied with their family relations, and 89% of the surveyed servicemen cannot say with certainty that there are no conflicts in their families. Family troubles accounted for 45% of suicides among military personnel in 2002.
The image of a family without conflict is ideal, but, perhaps, in modern conditions it is practically impossible. According to K. Vitek, only 15-18% of marriages can be called ideal, when the spouses experience a feeling of complete satisfaction and well-being.
In the structure of family conflicts, according to the subjects of interaction, one can distinguish in the nuclear family: spousal conflicts, parent-child conflicts, sibling conflicts; in an extended family: conflicts between a spouse and his parents, conflicts between a spouse and his parents, conflicts between children and grandparents, conflicts between family members and other relatives.
By marital conflict, we mean the contradiction of interpersonal relations between spouses, that is, mismatch, opposition, exacerbation of attitudes, expectations, ideas, orientations relative to each other, or the perception of such by each of the spouses.
According to the levels, the causes of marital conflicts can be divided into two large groups:
Objective (due to the natural dynamics of the family and sociocultural)
The objective causes of marital conflicts can be: the circumstances of social interaction of people, which led to a clash of their interests, opinions, attitudes; factors acting on the family from the outside and regardless of its characteristics (the level of well-being of society, the state of education and culture, traditions and customs); problems arising from the natural dynamics of the family. Objective reasons create a pre-conflict situation and are an objective component of a pre-conflict situation for spouses.
Subjective (psychological and socio-psychological).
The subjective reasons for the spousal conflict can be: personal (individual psychological) characteristics of the spouses; interpersonal (socio-psychological), due to the direct interaction of spouses.
Foreign experts identify the following main reasons for marital conflicts:
1. The degree of satisfaction of the basic needs of each spouse (the need for sex and safety) (K. Levin, 2001).
2. The presence of pathological personality traits in spouses: the intensity of their manifestation, the impact on the personality of the spouse and in interpersonal interaction on the personality of the partner (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
3. The size of the space for free movement of spouses. Its limitation increases the tension of relations (K. Levin, 2001).
4. Violation of emotional relationships: sensual discord of spouses, sensual alienation (Fanta, 1972), loss of mutual love, differences in manifestations of tenderness and feelings (S. Kratochvil, 1991), disappearance of romantic moods (Plzak, 1973).
5. Inconsistency of goals, expectations of the spouses: the goals of the spouses contradict each other and they are not ready to accept the position of the other (K. Vitek, 1988; K. Levin, 2001; S. Kratokhvil, 1991); unfulfilled expectations in marriage (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
6. Contacts of one of the spouses with children from a previous marriage, their material support (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
7. The permeability of boundaries between various subsystems of the family organism (marital subsystem, parental subsystem, sibling subsystem). Boundaries represent the rules of interaction that regulate the conditions and behavior of each of the family members participating in this interaction (S. Minukhin, 1998).
8. Problems of separation of power and roles in the family: changes in the structure and balance of power in the family (Jay Haley, 1991); marital roles are not clearly defined, communication between spouses is sluggish, interaction is difficult (K. Vitaker, 1997; V. Satir, 1992, 1999); violation of role compatibility (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
9. Problems associated with the peculiarities of the stages of development of matrimonial relations (early marriages, menopause, children leaving the family) (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
10. Internal problems of a married couple (lack of sexual harmony, disagreements over the upbringing of children, mismatch of the spouses' points of view on the distribution of household responsibilities, encroachment on the spouse's free time) (Barczewski, 1977; K. Vitek, 1988; S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
11. Negative family relationships in previous generations, influencing the perception of the current interaction (representatives of transgenerational family psychotherapy) and negative models of parents' marriage (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
12. Infrequent positive reinforcement by family members of each other (that is, insufficient number of punishments for unwanted behavior) (behavioral psychotherapy).
13. External barriers: objective circumstances that prevent spouses from getting out of the situation (obligations, functional duties) (K. Levin, 2001), external stressors (job loss) (S. Minukhin, 1998).
14. Cohabitation of spouses with parents: negative interference of the spouse's parents in the nature of their relationship, preference for communication with parents over relations with the spouse (Knox, 1971), unwillingness to visit the spouse's parents (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).
15. Negative attitudes towards a spouse's friends (Knox, 1971).
16. Extramarital contacts and relationships (Plzak, 1973), "sexual adventures" (Muldworf, 1973).
Domestic psychologists believe that, together with the peculiarities, when analyzing the causes of marital conflicts, it is necessary to take into account various levels of interaction between spouses (V.P. Levkovich, 1985) or zones of disagreement between spouses (V.A. Sysenko). According to V.P. Levkovich, the conflict can manifest itself at the level of the relationship between spouses (latent conflict), then the conflict affects the sphere of communication (verbal and non-verbal), the highest manifestation is the behavioral sphere (open stage of the conflict). VA Sysenko defines the following zones of disagreement between spouses: sexual and erotic sphere; satisfaction of personal needs; communication of spouses; family and household sphere; upbringing and caring for children; recreation and leisure of the spouses.
The causes of marital conflicts are closely related to development crises (V.K. Mager, 1978). These periods are caused by changes in the structure of the family, the balance of forces in it, the redistribution of the functions of the spouses, and adaptation to new family roles. As a rule, these periods are associated with: the first year of marriage; pregnancy and the birth of the first child; family breakdown due to divorce; the departure of children from the family; the appearance in the family of stepchildren or sick parents; loss of a spouse or family member; long absence of a spouse (military service, long business trip).
The main reasons for spousal conflicts in domestic approaches:
1. Dissatisfaction with the need for the value and significance of their "I" spouses (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; VA Sysenko, 1989).
2. Mental stress based on the unmet sexual needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).
3. Mismatch of role expectations and role behavior of spouses (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; AG Kharchev, MS Matskovskaya, 1978; SS Liebikh, 1979).
4. Insufficient understanding of each other by spouses, lack of positive emotions, care, understanding, affection (VM Volovik, 1980; VA Sysenko, 1989; VL Shenderova, 1972).
5. Addiction of one of the spouses to alcohol, gambling (VA Sysenko, 1989).
6. Financial disagreements based on the exaggerated needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).
7. Failure to meet the need for food, clothing, home improvement, personal needs (VA Sysenko, 1989).
8. Lack of mutual assistance, mutual support, irrational division of domestic work, inconsistency of views on the upbringing of children (VA Sysenko, 1989; SG Shuman, 1989).
9. Inconsistency of the spouses' views on the organization of rest and leisure (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; VA Sysenko, 1989).
Based on the analysis of these reasons, we have identified seven functional spheres of manifestation of marital conflicts (A.N. Kharitonov, 2000): sexual and erotic, value and orientation, emotional and psychological, reproductive and educational, material and household, cultural and leisure and family health. A spousal conflict, which has arisen on the basis of the dissatisfaction of needs in one of these areas, extends to the others and ultimately disrupts the nature of the development of relations between spouses. We consider it conceptual to identify the dominant unmet need of one of the spouses, to understand the cause of the conflict in order to harmonize family relations.
Conflict resolution tactics.
V.A. Sysenko:
1. Maintain a sense of personal dignity in the husband and wife.
2. consistently demonstrate mutual respect and respect.
3. try to arouse the enthusiasm of the other spouse, restrain and pacify the manifestation of anger and anger in oneself.
4. not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner.
5. not to blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular.
6. to remove or suspend the growing mental stress with a joke or any distraction.
7. do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and treason, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy.
Dean Delice:
1. should blame the situation, not each other.
2. should empathize with your spouse.
3. Agree to restore balance, avoiding vague insincerity.
Divorce
Divorce is a break in relations in legal, economic, psychological terms, which entails a reorganization of the life of both spouses.
Divorce is a change in the balance of power that sustains and destroys marriage.
- Supportive - moral and psychological interest in each other, satisfaction with marriage and family relations, social norms, values and sanctions.
- Destructive - a manifestation of mutual dissatisfaction and non-pollution, antipathy, irritation, hatred.
A. Maslow's dialectical model of the divorce process:
1. Emotional divorce - destruction of illusions in married life, feelings of dissatisfaction, estrangement of spouses, fear and despair, arguments, the desire to avoid problems.
2. Time of reflection and despair before divorce - the period is accompanied by pain and despair, anger and fear, contradictory words and actions, a feeling of emptiness and chaos. At the cognitive-behavioral level, denial of the existing situation, physical and emotional retreat is characteristic. Attempts are being made to get things right again.
3. legal divorce - registration of a break in relations occurs at a formal level. The abandoned spouse feels self-pity, helplessness.
4. Economic divorce - can cause confusion in either spouse, violent anger or sadness "Life is ruined what does money matter."
5. Striking a balance between parenting and custody. The abandoned spouse experiences loneliness, seeks advice from relatives and friends.
6. Time for self-examination and return to balance after divorce. Behavior takes on a new direction. Activity appears, a new lifestyle is stabilized, new responsibilities are formed.
7. Psychological divorce. - on an emotional level - this is a readiness for action, self-confidence, self-worth, the search for new objects of love and readiness for new long-term relationships.
Reasons for divorce.
Infidelity
In many countries, adultery is a sufficient reason and one of the most common motives for divorce. In our country, about a quarter of all causes of divorce are associated with a violation of marital fidelity.
Love = family, if betrayal, then the antipode of love, therefore, against marriage.
The motive of "treason"
- conflict,
- problem families,
- with a critical, almost destroyed relationship between the spouses.
- immaturity, frivolity of the spouses,
- lack of understanding of family values and such a concept as "the sacredness of family ties."
- ethical education and general culture of people.
In addition, marital fidelity largely depends on premarital behavior: men and women who have had premarital sex are more likely to violate the vow of marital fidelity. This is due to the fact that early sexual experience, most likely not based on true love, reduces the assessment of sexual relations and a sense of duty, obligation towards another partner. A sense of marital duty is a person's awareness of his obligations to his marriage partner, the identification of his personal interests with the interests of the family.
There is an opinion that betrayal, a casual relationship makes a person understand that there was love in the family.
According to some studies, 75% of men do not find what they expect in a casual partner and begin to appreciate their wife more. Among unfaithful wives, the number of those who did not experience anything but disappointment and remorse turned out to be even more than 90%. The spouse realizes that he made a terrible mistake, that he betrayed a loved one and will continue to cherish his hearth.
Cheating destroys the family, no matter who cheated, husband or wife. Modern research attempts to analyze the causes of marital infidelity. Here is one of the classifications:
1. New love. This reason for marital infidelity is characteristic of marriages where love was insignificant or absent altogether (rational or forced marriages based on profit, fear of loneliness).
2. Retribution. With the help of treason, the desire to avenge the spouse's infidelity is realized in order to restore self-esteem.
3. Abused love. There is no reciprocity in the marriage relationship. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, irresponsibility of feelings. This encourages the satisfaction of the feeling in another partnership where reciprocity is possible.
4. The search for new love experiences, as a rule, is typical for spouses with considerable experience, when feelings have faded. Or in families with such norms, when everything possible is taken from life. An option may be to imitate the "beautiful life" of foreign models, sexual freedom.
5. Total disintegration of the family. Treason here is actually the result of creating a new family, when the first family is perceived as unviable.
6. A casual relationship, when infidelity is not characterized by regularity and deep love experiences. Usually it is provoked by certain circumstances (persistence of the “partner”, “opportunity”, etc.). Connivance, hopelessness, or irreconcilability are extremes in the perception of marital infidelity. Before drawing conclusions, it is necessary to carefully, and, if possible, objectively look at the situation of treason. If this is a human mistake, even cruel, one must be able to forgive her (by the way, wives are forgiven more often, and husbands are more likely to initiate divorce cases due to the wife's infidelity). If cheating is caused by distorted family relationships, they need to be sorted out. Those. in any case, one must look for reasons, and not blame others.
Other reasons for divorce.
1. There is an increase in the percentage of divorces due to the rudeness of the spouse, alcoholism, psychological incompatibility. Apparently, this happens because with an increase in the cultural level of a modern person, an increase in the culture of interpersonal communication, respect for the individual, etc. cases of rudeness, psychological incompatibility, and even more so drunkenness, began to be felt stronger and become a fairly weighty reason for divorce.
2. The vague and vague wording “We did not agree with the characters” is used by young spouses who have decided to dissolve their marriage due to problems in their intimate life.
According to sociologists, it is often because of dissatisfaction in intimate life that divorces occur. Sometimes disharmony in intimate relationships is not clearly expressed, but it is also undesirable, because vague dissatisfaction generates irritation, depression, and ruins joy.
The opinion that physical attractiveness is not necessary, that only on the basis of sexual desire it is always possible to realize a physiological need, is erroneous. Spouses must be sure that they like each other, that they both strive for intimacy that will bring them complete satisfaction.
3. Expectation of a child is a real test for love, and his birth is a test of the strength of family ties. Many marriages break up in the very first year after the birth of a child, break up at the initiative of men who cannot stand the test of paternity. More precisely, men, whose egoism turned out to be stronger than all other feelings.
After the birth of a baby, a young husband does not have the right to withdraw from caring for him, but must help his wife in her endless worries about the child. Having entrusted all the care of the little one to the wife alone, the husband himself does not give her the opportunity to do anything else, including the house and himself. In such a situation, discomfort inevitably arises in the family. The husband begins to feel superfluous, unnecessary, unloved, not suspecting that he himself is completely guilty of this.
The consequences of divorce.
In one of the studies by foreign sociologists on the consequences of divorce for children, three groups of children were compared: from happy, unhappy and from divorced families. By all criteria, children from happy families were in a better position. However, when comparing children from the other two groups, it turned out that adolescents from divorced families had fewer mental illnesses, they committed crimes less often, and they had a better relationship with at least one of the parents.
For a number of other indicators (attitudes at school, disposition towards bad companies), the children of these two groups did not differ significantly, but they differed greatly from children living in happy families. A comparison was also made of a number of socio-psychological characteristics of children living in families where the mother remarried after divorce, and in families where the child lived only with the mother. At the same time, it was found that the relationship "mother - child" is better in families where the child was brought up only by the mother.
Children of divorced spouses are more prone to mental illness.
According to Landis (1960), the impact of divorce on a child's psyche depends on a number of factors:
- the child's subjective idea of the happiness of the family immediately before the divorce;
- the age of the child and mother;
- the severity of negative norms in relation to divorce in the social group to which the family belongs;
- the ability of the remaining spouse to cope with their anxiety and provide the child with a safe environment.
By the age of 3 years, divorce has less impact on the child than at older ages. The likelihood of remarriage of a divorced spouse is inversely proportional to the number of children left with him.
Significantly negative impact of divorce on the birth rate. In a number of cases, a woman remains lonely after a divorce, and abstains from having children on the “eve” of divorce. With the increase in the number of divorces, the number of people who do not want to remarry after a divorce has increased.
The increasing number of divorces leads to the fact that many married couples and their children are deeply affected by the unhappiness in the family, usually accompanying divorce.
Divorce also takes a heavy toll on children's morale.
- Preschoolers usually feel fear, self-doubt and feel guilty for the divorce of their parents.
- Older children express their irritation more directly. Most children calm down within a year or two after divorce, although some of them feel miserable and lonely for 5 years after divorce or even longer, even if the parent they live with remarries.
The next direction of the influence of divorce on the effectiveness of the functioning of the institution of marriage is that the prospect of divorce, or rather the fear that the husband (wife) will use the right to divorce at the first more or less serious conflict, somehow affects the behavior of each of the spouses and their attitude to their family roles, on mutual assessments and self-assessments, on family planning, at least until both the husband and wife have a feeling of the stability of their family, and, therefore, orientation not only for today and tomorrow , but also for the relatively distant future.
Divorces increase the number of single-parent families. In them, a specific system of relations between mother and child is created, patterns of behavior are formed, which in some respects are an alternative to the norms and values on which the institution of marriage is based.
Divorce also affects the divorcing spouses themselves.
- Quite often there is a kind of shock with shame and self-pity. Divorced people try to rationalize the situation and prove that they are indifferent to the problems that have arisen.
- A very common feeling is anxiety, impatience, coming from broken habits and loss of familiar roles. A divorced spouse often tries to increase his social activity. Friends and relatives usually help him in making new contacts.
- Often, after a divorce, a person begins to behave contrary to generally accepted norms, trying to satisfy his grief in drunkenness or compensate for the loss of a family by increasing the frequency of sexual contacts.
- The facts of mutually exclusive attitudes towards their ex-spouse, the alternation of manifestations of hatred and love were noted. Therefore, sometimes sexual intimacy between an ex-husband and wife persists for some time and after a divorce.
Long-term effects of divorce.
Of course, the experiences of children that they experience when their parents divorce are varied and depend on many factors that increase or alleviate their difficulties. The list of all possible factors is very long, but the most important ones can be cited.
These include
- relationships with parents, repeated marriages of parents, stepfathers with stepmothers, - conflicts between parents before and after divorce,
- health and psychological difficulties, financial and household problems,
- changing of the living place,
- age of children at divorce,
- the quality of the matrimonial relationship that existed before him and the individual characteristics of children.
Psychologists studying the influence of these factors have come to the general conclusion that the adverse consequences for children of parental divorce are more pronounced and lasting in cases where conflicts between parents after divorce continue, when the child's relationship with one of the parents is bad or is generally interrupted, when divorce occurred before the child was five years old, as well as in cases of remarriage of former spouses, especially when it was concluded immediately after the divorce.
All the factors that aggravate the difficulties of parents - very poor housing conditions, economic problems, frequent changes of residence, poor physical and mental health - have a very adverse effect on children.
And the consequences of this can be very different.
1. Children may have some kind of psychiatric problems. It is known that children, at least at first, are very upset about divorce. After a divorce, children may experience behavioral deviations, constantly depressed mood, breakdowns.
2. Childhood separation between parents predisposes to depression in adulthood. But overall, research shows that there is little link between parental divorce and psychiatric problems in adulthood.
3. Another thing is the influence of parents' divorce on the married life of children (when they become adults).
Large-scale studies of the population of several countries support the conclusion that, as adults, children of divorced parents will divorce themselves. This pattern is more pronounced in women than in men. A clear explanation for this phenomenon has not yet been found, but some scientists believe that people whose parents have separated believe that there are not many mutual obligations in marriage. But here, too, much depends on the individual characteristics of people. Although, the factor of introducing the style of relationships that exists in the parental family into subsequent relationships in their own family is undoubtedly present.
Divorce
“All happy families are equally happy.
Every unhappy family
unhappy in its own way "
Lev Tolstoy
Family life is not always a source of joy. It cannot always proceed smoothly and smoothly, there are many family difficulties. Unfortunately, not every family can handle them. Sometimes the "family ship" cracks and goes to the bottom, not yet set off on a honeymoon trip.
Psychological reasons for divorce, as a rule, are somehow connected with the feeling of one or both spouses that personal happiness and love in this marriage is impossible for a number of reasons, and nothing can be changed, even if you try very hard.
However, the decision to divorce a husband or wife is hampered by several reasons:
fear of being judged by relatives, friends, others;
beliefs that children need both parents;
fear of impending loneliness, especially in old age;
the collapse of financial well-being;
age barriers, etc.
The spouses see the only way out of the impasse in the upcoming divorce.
Divorce is the termination of a marriage during the life of a spouse.
Various opinion polls have shown that any divorce, even a desirable one, causes serious psychological trauma to both spouses to one degree or another. The problems facing divorced people relate to such aspects of life as the division of property, the creation of new relationships with friends and relatives, with children, the formation of a new attitude towards life, if necessary, looking for a job.
The main reasons for divorce are the following:
Protracted marital conflicts.
Dissatisfaction with the distribution of marital roles and responsibilities.
Material and household problems.
Drunkenness of one of the spouses. Quite often, husbands have a very negative attitude towards the wife's drinking, although the woman herself believes that she does not drink. It all depends on the criterion of the amount of alcohol consumed by both the woman and the husband. They can vary considerably. This also applies to the husband, who believes that he drinks very little, and the woman believes that the husband is close to alcoholism.
Adultery (adultery). It is interesting that a woman sometimes herself voices that she admits treason on the part of her husband and tells him about it, but this is possible only in isolated cases. In fact, it gives the go-ahead for one-time betrayal. Tellingly, when cheating, neither a man nor a woman often takes off their wedding rings, which are a symbol of loyalty and love of a husband and wife and were dressed in a solemn atmosphere on the day of the wedding.
Jealousy, if it is pathological.
Physical and psychological abuse by her husband.
Sexual problems. This is one of the main reasons for divorce.
New love.
Psychological incompatibility. Spouses have different temperaments.
There is a large age difference between spouses of 10 years or more.
Cooling down in emotional relationships.
The monotony and boredom of family life.
Incompatibility of the level of spirituality and culture.
Childless marriage (infertility of one of the spouses, inability to have children)
Depressive disorder. With a depressive disorder, at least one of the spouses gets divorced 10 times more often. than in ordinary families.
The impact of difficult life situations on a family affects different spheres of its life and leads to a violation of its functions: educational, household, sexual and erotic, etc. These violations inevitably affect the well-being of family members, do not allow them to satisfy their needs, cause a state of internal tension and discomfort, serve as a source of somatic, neuropsychic and behavioral disorders, inhibit personality development.
The likelihood of the breakdown of family relationships can be increased by the following factors:
conflict relations (divorce) of the parents of one of the spouses;
cohabitation with the parents of one of the spouses on their living space;
parents turn spouses against each other;
high personal conflict of one of the spouses;
unequal level of education and social status of spouses;
infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction in marriage;
obsessive jealousy on the part of one of the spouses;
problems associated with spending money;
premarital pregnancy;
somatic or mental illness of one of the spouses;
a chronic illness in a child (disability, mental retardation).
There are several phases of the breakdown of emotional relationships:
awareness of dissatisfaction;
expression of dissatisfaction;
negotiation;
making decisions;
transformation of relationships.
The divorce process itself is divided into three periods:
1. Pre-divorce period.
2. The period of divorce.
3. Post-divorce period.
In the pre-divorce period, the partner left goes through 4 stages of reaction to the situation:
protest - ineffective attempts to avoid divorce;
despair - with depression and self-blame;
denial - with the devaluation of your marriage and partner;
reconciliation with the situation - with getting rid of the feeling of injustice and a realistic vision of the situation.
1. There are the following strategies for the behavior of one of the spouses in a pre-divorce situation:
Various attempts are being made to return the spouse at any cost.
There is a search for any options for building relationships.
Acceptance of reality as it is.
2. During the divorce period, spouses may experience various emotions and severe stress, which include anger and sadness, fear, feelings of guilt and a desire to take revenge on the ex-spouse. If the decision to divorce was made unilaterally, then the partner blames the initiator of the divorce, feels a sense of impotent rage or helplessness, rejection and loss. The content of disputes can be material and parental problems, which the spouses cannot solve rationally because of their psychological state and the emotional component of interpersonal conflict.
The abandoned partner has a problem: "How to live on and whether to live at all?" This situation is fraught with suicidal behavior.
3. In the post-divorce period, it is possible to fix neurotic and depressive reactions, especially in an elderly woman with children. In the case of forced cohabitation after a divorce in the same apartment or the ex-wife's obstacles to meeting the father with the children, the conflict situation continues.
The consequences of divorce
As a rule, divorce creates new difficulties - sleepless nights, a feeling of loneliness, anxiety for the future of children left without one of their parents.
Previously, it was believed that a woman is going through a divorce harder than a man, because this is due to material difficulties, raising children, limited opportunities to create a new family, etc. When working with divorced couples, psychologists came to the conclusion that a man needs marriage no less than a woman, because his dissatisfaction with loneliness is even more acute and prolonged.
Women perceive the emotional difficulties of divorce more intensely, but they sooner come to psychological balance.
At the same time, tears of despair and outbursts of impotent rage can arise.
The man experiences long-term dissatisfaction. Added to this is the limited ability to see children.
The degree to which divorced spouses are worried depends on the unexpectedness of the divorce. The one who was asked to divorce gets the greatest trauma.
Older people with a long history of family life are more traumatized than young people.
Divorced men have higher rates of alcoholism, physical illness and depression, which are sometimes the result of life changes after divorce. Many women start drinking after emotional loss. There is even such an expression "widow alcoholism".
In a divorce, children who stay with one of the parents suffer, or the parents divide the children among themselves. One child lives with his mother, the other with his father. Situations may arise when, after the parents divorced, children have to live in new families, where either a new father (stepfather) or a new mother (stepmother) appears. Children adapt to new rules in the family, to a new person.
Loneliness
The consequence of divorce can be a feeling of loneliness and the accompanying conflicting feelings: indecision, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement.
Lonely people often feel depressed, insecure, passive, and dissatisfied with themselves. They are convinced of their unattractiveness and other qualities that make it impossible for them to establish friendships or love relationships.
For some, however, divorce is a welcome relief that brings freedom from constraints, responsibilities, and emotional turmoil.
Emotions and divorce
Emotions and feelings that men and women most often experience in the process of divorce:
Despair;
Loneliness;
Regret;
Depression;
Depression;
Sadness is caused by frustration with frustration. Frustration sometimes leads to feelings of psychological isolation, loneliness, loss. It can be a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-esteem.
The emotion of sadness is experienced as sadness, despondency, blues. In sorrow, a person feels darkness and emptiness around him. An intense experience of sadness gives a person pain.
Sadness is the lowest stress level. In moments of sadness, the muscles are sluggish and lifeless. There is an unexplained heaviness throughout the body. A dull, aching chest pain may occur. A person has a desire to cry.
Anger often arises from frustration. In anger, a person feels that his blood "boils", his face is on fire, his muscles are tense. In a situation of anger, a person experiences great stress. In anger, people grit their teeth and purse their lips.
The pulse of an angry person can be 40-60 beats per minute higher than normal. Experiencing anger is accompanied by a strong sense of impulsiveness. Moderate anger gives a person strength, self-confidence. It is believed that if a person freely expresses his anger, talks about the reasons that caused him and allows the interlocutor to respond in kind, then he acquires the opportunity to get to know his partner better and thereby only strengthens his relationship with him.
A person who constantly suppresses his anger, does not have the opportunity to adequately express it in behavior, is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. Diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, epilepsy, migraines, and hypertension can occur.
Whatever the emotion experienced by a person - powerful or barely expressed - it always causes physiological changes in his body. If you experience anger, anxiety or depression for a long time, even if these emotions are mild, then the person is more likely to get sick.
Experiencing an emotion changes the level of electrical activity in the brain and controls the endocrine, circulatory and respiratory systems of the body.
Most divorced people deal with their problems a few years after the final breakup.
Bibliography
2. Kovpak D.V., Tretyak L.L. Depression, Diagnosis and Treatment. - SPb: Science and Technology, 2009 .-- 320s.
3. Malkina-Pykh I. G. Family therapy. - M .: Publishing house Eksmo, 2006 .-- 992 p.
Coping with adultery
and what are the reasons for treason?
A woman must choose:
With a man that other women love
She will never be calm;
With a man that other women don't like
She will never be happy.
Anatole France
Betrayal can be compared to betrayal. And the one who was betrayed is very acutely experienced. As it may not sound harsh, but sometimes the behavior of the person who was abandoned leads to treason. What leads to treason? Why does this happen so often between a woman and a man? First of all, it is dissatisfaction with life and a marriage partner. In marriage, a person does not receive what he would like to receive: warmth, care, love, tranquility, sexual satisfaction. This is the inability to listen and hear another person. This is a reluctance to compromise.
Constant mutual reproaches and conflicts, humiliation of the dignity of one of the partners can lead to treason. Most often this applies to sexual relations, because the bonfire of love is gradually extinguished between the spouses and the very spark that is the catalyst for passion between partners does not slip. And the lack of passion, novelty in a relationship can lead to betrayal of one of the partners for the purpose of self-affirmation outside the family. The fire of love is extinguished due to boredom and monotony in the family circle. Cheating can also be caused by the fact that a man and a woman are constantly together at work (common business) and at home, all topics are discussed more than once, when each of the partners knows in advance which phrase will follow in a given situation. When betrayal occurs, several questions arise "how to return a loved one?" It would seem simple questions, but the answers to them for a long time cannot be found by those who have lost peace and tranquility, love and gratitude, support and reliability in their lives. What is the reason for the betrayal? Many women turn a blind eye to one-time betrayals of men, but these same one-time betrayals can give an impetus to strong feelings and the development of new relationships that can lead to a break in family relations.
One-time betrayals are possible during long business trips of one of the spouses, when business trips last from several months to a year. Vacation without a spouse in another city, night shifts, office romance. Accidental relationship while intoxicated, corporate parties. Meeting with former classmates, classmates, when during the meeting and memories, even after many years, long-forgotten feelings for "first love" can flare up with renewed vigor, especially if at present one of the spouses is not satisfied with the marriage.
One of the reasons for treason is pushing away a spouse or spouse. A woman who spends all her energy on work and household chores, raising children, especially in large families, feels like a driven horse by the end of the day and, as a rule, does not want anything.
The woman stops looking after her appearance. Can walk in untidy clothes, with dirty hair, dirty nails, dress in such clothes that repel a man. Clothing that does not emphasize the femininity and attractiveness of a woman.
Women also suffer when a husband, having come home, wants nothing but to watch programs on TV. This is most often associated with a heavy workload. Especially when the husband works three jobs in order to provide for his family. And it turns out a vicious circle "home - work - home - work - home". Monotony, boredom, dullness.
And somewhere outside the family there is another more lively and charming image. A woman who will say to a man “you are the best in the world” or a more attractive and gallant man who can say pleasant words: “you are a unique woman, one and only”, fulfill the woman's desire and bring some variety.
Another reason for betrayal can be a significant change in the appearance of a spouse: a change in weight and shape in women, baldness in men, loose skin, lack of hygiene on the part of a partner, any injury received in various disasters and accidents.
In the event of infidelity, both marital and child-parent relations can be violated.
The worst thing is when children witness such scenes when, with the help of the child, one of the parents tries to influence the other. This situation can be unbearable for a child. Especially when a child learns about the betrayal of his father or mother completely unexpectedly for himself. In this case, the child's behavior may be unpredictable. The child considers the betrayal of one of the parents a betrayal in the first place, in relation to himself. When treason is revealed, everyone suffers. Treason is like a dagger stuck in the heart.
The first thing that a person asks himself is - why?
When a woman finds out about her husband's betrayal, for her it is like a bolt from the blue. Lightning that strikes her on the spot. From this moment on, life turns into one continuous nightmare. The woman does not find a place for herself. Sleepless nights begin with tears that flow like a river. The woman roars like a beluga. A woman is often overwhelmed by jealousy. She is ready to tear her rival to pieces, to wipe her off the face of the earth. During this period, the woman is in despair, not knowing what to do. How to keep your family together? How can you keep your husband? How to forgive him and forget this fact? I would like to forget everything like a bad dream that will never happen again.
How does a woman or a man know about treason? This happens on an intuitive level, the husband and wife feel it too well during intimacy. SMS messages that spouses come across, social networks in which a husband or wife are sitting, all kinds of women's forums, password cracking, correspondence not closed in time, and much more. After all this is revealed, a man or woman has an obsessive desire to keep abreast of this correspondence, to know everything about a rival or rival, to fill his consciousness with distrust. Family life after betrayal changes dramatically for the worse.
A woman is completely perplexed when she has a long-awaited child, and her husband at that moment is cheating on her with another woman. For a woman, life is split into two parts: before the betrayal and after the betrayal. This is the loss of oneself as a woman, a wife. For a woman, this is a real grief. After violent scenes, emotional devastation sets in, which often leads to the onset of depression.
If the wife is cheating, the husband also has strong negative feelings.
He looks like a wounded, angry beast that has destructive power. This is a humiliation of his manhood. And even if he does not say anything to his wife, this does not mean that he does not feel anything. He experiences this humiliation within himself.
You can forgive treason, but it is never forgotten. It's like a cup that broke and was glued together, but the traces of fractures, like scars on the body, remain for life.
So what leads to cheating?
A number of psychologists and psychotherapists have tried to answer this question in their research.
1. Individual characteristics of marriage partners:
Violation of the sex-role identity of a marriage partner, forcing him to prove his masculinity (femininity) by engaging in as many sexual relationships as possible.
2. Macrosystem factors:
Marital incompatibility (primarily sexual). This may be due to the wife's inexperience as a sexual partner;
Lack of emotional closeness between spouses;
Cooling feelings for each other;
Revenge of one partner to another for the suffering caused;
Disappointment of spouses in each other;
Long-term illness of one of the spouses;
Pregnancy of the wife. The man begins to perceive his wife as a mother.
3. Factors associated with marital infidelity include:
The routine of marriage;
Alcoholism of one of the spouses;
Large age difference between spouses of 10 years or more;
Lack of joint leisure of the spouses;
One of the partners has a lot of free time.
Unsatisfactory living conditions, including living with other relatives of one of the spouses. For example, three families with children and elderly parents can live in a two-room apartment.
According to T.M. Zaslavskaya and Grishina V.A. There are seven fundamental reasons for cheating:
1. New love.
2. Retribution.
3. Abused love.
4. Search for a new experience.
5. Replenishment.
6. Total disintegration of the family.
7. Casual connection.
Starshenbaum G.V. describes several types of individuals who are prone to cheating. For men it is the image of Don Juan, for women it is the image of the Seductress. Both are always dissatisfied.
6 types of situations associated with adultery are described.
1. A gambler (with a cycle: treason - detection - repentance - forgiveness - treason).
2. Seeker of happiness.
3. Gone and unreleased. The mistress tries to take her husband away, informs the wife in the hope of a divorce, but the spouses unite against her.
4. The initiator of a new life. When a mature man is ready to leave his aging wife and children for a young lover. If a man has a child on the side, he begins to rush between these two women and cannot make a decision for himself with which of them to stay. It happens that both women begin to put pressure on him or reject him from their lives. And the man is left with nothing.
5. Housewife.
6. A solid player. A spouse who carefully hides his love affairs.
There are several types of adultery:
1. Accidental extramarital contact of a short-term nature.
2. Fornication with greater duration and the emergence of emotional attachment.
K. Botutin, referring to D. Moulton, writes that most of the cheating in American families occurs in the 14th year of family life, when the age of the spouses is approaching their forties.
There are several types of reactions to cheating:
Aggression. Aggression can be directed at an opponent (rival), or at the spouse himself (auto-aggression).
Protection. A defensive response is essentially a conditional divorce. When a spouse is given an ultimatum to stop extramarital affairs by a certain date.
Ignoring. They pretend that nothing happened in order to save the family. When a spouse is afraid of being alone, they create an image of a happy family among relatives and work colleagues. For the sake of the children.
If one of the spouses could not forgive the betrayal, then this most often leads to divorce. All this leads to a sharp deterioration in mood, insomnia appears, eating behavior changes - appetite increases or decreases, various diseases appear against the background of psychological discomfort, a person either goes to work or does nothing. Both spouses suffer and in the most acute period of life they are looking for help from someone who will help them cope with the devastating consequences of betrayal and divorce.
Most often, people who turn to a psychologist want to get an answer to painful questions: "How to keep a loved one, how to save a marriage, how to forget an ex-husband or ex-wife, girlfriend, first love?"
They ask for psychological help in case of breaking up with a loved one. And the main question, to which they cannot find an answer: "Why and for what?"
Bibliography
1. Andreeva T.V. Family Psychology: Textbook. - SPb .: Rech, 2005 .-- 244 p.
2. Olifirovich N.I., Zinkevich-Kuzemkina T.A., Velenta T.F. The psychology of family crises. - SPb .: Rech, 2007 .-- 360 p.
3. Starshenbaum G.V. Sexual and family psychotherapy. - M .: Publishing house of the Higher School of Psychology, 2003. - 300 p.