Clarification of a relationship - a way to negotiate or an opportunity to look at the true face of a partner? Do I need to sort things out

Strange situation from start to finish. How many different training sessions I am (and this is 50-60 lessons per year), I have never seen free access of parents to not their children. In most places, parents do not even have access to the territory of the sports complex beyond the dressing room. They brought the children by the specified time, the children themselves go into the locker room. After training, they change their clothes, the coach or administrator will show them to the checkpoint where the parents are waiting. There are no parents of a specific child - all that remains is to wait in the building of the complex. Outsiders have no opportunity to communicate with someone else's child without the presence of his mom-dad. And who, how much and when to train - only in the competence of the coach. He considered it necessary to appoint additional time - he has every right and is not obliged to discuss it with anyone. And to sniff out something here, to find out, to call is generally pointless. In my kitchen, indignant at the injustice of life - yes, please. But this is all from the region: "Masha was given a verse in 8 lines at the matinee, and my Petya was only in 4 lines." All my life I have been with sports, and very closely, but I have never seen the clarification of the relationship between another parent and the child on the subject of how much, where and when he trained. Sur just

Life is so arranged that only with the appearance of your children do you begin to understand what exactly was not in your own childhood. What, so to speak, you were deprived of: did not see, did not try, did not experience, what did not play, etc. I was surprised to find that as a child I had not read such hit children's things as "Kid and Carlson", "Mummy-Trolls", "Crocodile Gena" and, as it turned out, many others !! Now I open them for myself .. at the age of 30, reading to my daughter. Cartoons and films based on the works ...

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I will also find out the relationship only with my husband. I can spoil the life of that lady, but in her mood She was once from another tsorona barricades, friends M and F have seen enough of such triangles ...

Discussion

> what does that girl or woman have to do with it?
Oh yes, of course, it has absolutely and absolutely nothing to do with it! All so white and fluffy, and in general, she did not lie nearby. They offend the poor for nothing.
No, I understand if she was not aware that the man was married. Then it really has nothing to do with it. And if on the contrary ... It is strange to somehow shield the lady.

did not read the thread.
reasoning in theory is easy. if it is you, God forbid, it will really touch, where will they come from and negative feelings towards her.
many men, just that, are also in a hurry to break the opponent's rag like a tuzik ... why? He didn’t promise anything to the deceived husband? :) :) :)

Do I need to sort things out? or let everything flow as it flows? is it important to achieve clarity, I am about the relationship between a man and a woman! it often slips that everything needs to be put in its place, and men, in my opinion, do not like this very much, am I right?

Discussion

I hate to sort things out. And I never do that. If something in the relationship doesn't suit me, I just stop taking the phone when it rings, and the relationship ends by itself. Very comfortably.
As a last resort, if you have met for a long time before, I think that a person has the right to receive an explanation, so I say: I am not satisfied with this and that. I would like this and that. You can't give it to me, so goodbye. Demonstratively and for the sake of appearance I never abandon anyone - if I have already decided, then that's it.

Yes, men really do not like it when they are trying to put them in their places.

With my husband, I regularly (and every time I regret) sort things out and cannot figure them out. After each conversation, life stands still - he literally assures that everything is in order, while behaving as before.

Discussion

and the point is to constantly sort things out? I try to talk - if I can't draw a conclusion.

"With my husband, I regularly (and every time I regret) sort things out and cannot figure them out." - sounds as if you are conducting exhausting conversations for both, which have no result. All about the same thing, but is it still there?

Then change your tactics. Every case should have a purpose. And the result.

If talking doesn't help, look for other ways to understand ...

"And globally - when to sort things out - IMHO, when both have" free time ", no one is in a hurry, everyone is not hungry and not one falls asleep on the go." The main problem is that such moments rarely happen with us and it is a pity to spend them on a showdown.

Discussion

with a child, definitely nizya. Immediately I drag my husband (or he me) to another room and there .... wow. True, this does not affect our sex in any way :) we must learn not to mix problems

the child goes to the shower (or to play) and tell the faithful whatever you think, without raids, you just express your point of view, sometimes you admit that he is right in essence, but not in content. Yesterday, for example, a child came from his grandmother, some kind of "wound up", snapped at everything, etc., so dad would be silent until he calms down, no, you have to argue, insist on your own, as a result I listened to their bickering all evening until I got tired of it, the child took a shower, dad had a "preventive" conversation, the rest of the evening passed peacefully :) the child was also told not to "bury himself" (without the presence of dad) ..

He is, in principle, one of those who do not particularly like to sort things out. At first I had a hard talk with my husband - there were hysteria, and tears with snot, and finding out why she is better and I am worse.

Discussion

I have a similar situation, my husband left for another, has not lived at home for the third month already, at first there were also tears, requests to return, now it is a little relieved. I see him every day, we work in the same building, come home on Saturdays, together we buy groceries for the week. At our last explanation, he said that he also loved her and did not want to lose anything here, and that I would give him a month to think ... that is, this month he lives with her, and in a month he will return home, because he cannot see mine. suffering and children sorry ...... the month ends in a week .. I can't decide to take it back or kick it in the ass, I'm very afraid of a repetition of mental anguish

You were offered to have sex, you said that you have problems and the person #### for your problems. What else do you need to explain?

Refrain from clarifying the relationship - how? If I am not satisfied with what he does (he goes on vacation with our son and his parents under the pretext that I am busy), and I think that "sort out the relationship", in other words, it is imperative to discuss your family life.

Discussion

In my opinion, the whole point is that you still have not been able to accept and forgive that betrayal. Let's not discuss yet - why people cheat at all, this is too big and a separate topic. If you want, you can talk about her on soap. What is more important now is something else - your own personal attitude to what has already happened anyway. If you decide to keep your family, then in the first place it is you who need, as they say, to work on yourself. It is naive to expect that the husband will now constantly repent and "atone for sins." Moreover, in conditions when he probably had grounds for such an act of his. In any case, in his own understanding. On the contrary, you constantly press on him. That is not so, this is not that way. Yes, he is not a saint. But you are also a living person, and therefore you are not sinless. So it turns out that as a result, tension only builds up in the family. And therefore there are more and more grounds for mutual claims. How else can this end besides the same divorce? Vicious circle. Do you need it? If so, then it is better to get a divorce right now and not wag your nerves. If not ... then ... you need to change your behavior and your attitude. There is no other way. Difficult though. Very hard.

I believe that "to sort things out", in other words, it is imperative to discuss your family life. Only it would be better to do this without attacking or demanding, i.e. not in the form of a "claim" - "a reciprocal claim", but in the form of an almost monologue, or something ... "Listen to me please and try not to interrupt, I want to tell you, try to understand me, it's hard for me, I'm offended, I really wanted to would ", etc. To be honest, we do this on a regular basis. Of course, sometimes we break into a cry, we are all temperamental people))) Humor, irony, etc. - EXTREMELY useful tools in such conversations. But you need to firmly know your position in order not to be confused! Don't let the conversation be sidetracked, keep your line. "This is also important, we will return to this, but now is not about that, let's agree on what we started" and so on.

But you can go for broke - start a showdown and sort out the relationship. In short, I realized that now it is better to be silent, not to violate his happiness, not to "graze", not to meddle with sex: ((, not to sort things out, and at the same time be fluffy and affectionate.

But in general, yes, in such a situation I would not go, since interest in it means recognition of the seriousness of this relationship, i.e. you yourself become on the same level with her. I even found out the phone number and address, and this did not add peace of mind to me, only an extra hassle, flooded ...

For some reason, most people in our modern world believe that sort things out not worth it at all, because everything is already clear, and talking can ruin the future. There are various sayings that reflect the essence of this problem, but they are all somehow the same and do not carry any explanation.

Why actually sort things out?

Sort things out in fact, this is a rather necessary element in relationships between people, especially between loved ones, because when we swear, we are ready to blurt out to each other everything that has accumulated in our souls over the past time, and we also manage to give an orientation for the future and remember something that was not yet in sight.

Pay attention to what you might be saying to your partner in an argument, what words you might say. In ordinary life, you would not even think about it and would never dare to say something like that aloud, but in a quarrel - please. So maybe in order to prevent this from happening and need to sort things out? Maybe for this it is necessary to talk to each other and express your feelings?

When we are doing well, we don’t think badly of each other, we don’t notice shortcomings, and even if we do, we don’t attach much importance to it, because next to us is a loved one, whom we must take care of, whom we must love. and listen. But the days come when, over some little thing, a big scandal can play out. Most often this happens when one of the partners did not have a day because of a mischievous boss at work, quarrels with colleagues, clashes with friends or girlfriends, or simply because the weather is bad outside. It is on these days that we are most often subject to nagging, reproaches and so on, no, we do not do this on purpose so that the other person also has bad feelings, this is not selfishness, we do it on purpose, because we feel bad and are angry.

It is on these days that our second halves begin to feel offended, because, as it seems to them, we take our anger out on them instead of seeking solace and care. Here we get nagging, reproaches, quarrels and even scandals, which are okay, if they are simply forgotten at best, but in fact they can lead to a break in relations, which will be difficult to fix, and because of what? Due to the bad mood of one of the partners.

In fact, scandals occur due to the fact that we do not talk to each other, we do not sort things out., after all, when passions subside, we prefer to hug and forget everything, however, we do not forget our grievances, but simply put them on the back burner, which then opens again and everything breaks out. Therefore, so that this does not happen, we simply have to sort things out, discuss problems even after we have made up, because this way we will better understand our partner, we will be able to correct our actions in the future in time and, in the end, we will simply be able to improve relations. Yes, most often it happens that in the process of sorting out the relationship, people swear even more, but this does not mean that you do not need to talk to each other, it means that you simply do not know how to listen and hear each other.

Just think of what conversations with your loved one can bring you, you can tell him whatever you want, and he will listen to you and try to understand. How dear these efforts will be to you. Also, you will be able to hear your partner, you will be able to understand what exactly he wanted to tell you and convey to you, you will no longer guess and puzzle over the words he said, you can ask him what exactly he meant.

With such opportunities, you can do everything so that your personal life always blooms and that your relationship never ends.

Unfortunately, in which idyll reigns, they are very, very rare. Most often, this idyll is visible: partners are silent, not wanting to offend each other, but negativity accumulates, which ultimately leads to a breakup. Therefore, it is useful from time to time sort things out- but you need to do it right.

Probably, many are familiar with the saying "Darling scold - only amuse themselves." Psychologists believe that periodic fights not only do not harm relationships, but even have a positive effect. However, you need to be able to quarrel correctly.: ideally, after a quarrel, both partners not only reconcile, but also draw conclusions in order to prevent similar situations in the future. Therefore, you need to learn how to sort things out correctly.

A quarrel is always a victory of emotions over reason. But anyway you can't let your emotions get the best of you... In the heat of an argument, we are able to say unpleasant things that we don't really think. Therefore, try to control your words and not say what you may regret later. If you really need to somehow throw out your emotions, it is better to break the cup or plate.

Also during a quarrel, you can not get personal and hang labels on your partner, call him names. Evaluate not the personality of the partner, but his actions. For example, instead of calling him a mama's boy, you'd better say: “I hate that your mother’s opinion is always more important to you than mine,” or something like that.

Generally, to sort things out does not mean to offend... Even if the conversation is in a raised voice, we must not forget that now you are talking with a loved one who does not deserve insults from you. You may be angry with him at the moment, but you do not stop loving him from this, do you? So don't go overboard.

Is there some more a couple of "forbidden tricks" that should never be used if you want to sort things out correctly. First, never use information against your partner that he has shared with you frankly, showing trust. Secondly, remember that a quarrel is only between the two of you: you do not need to drag other people into it, say nasty things about your partner's relatives and friends.

You need to find out the relationship constructively.... Quite often, the clarification of the relationship develops according to the following scheme: shouted - made up - did not draw any conclusions and again stepped on the same rake. Clarification of the relationship is necessary not only and not so much in order to throw out the negative. It is very important to determine the cause of the quarrel and resolve the conflict that has arisen.

To do this, you need not only to express to your partner everything that does not suit you, but also to offer the desired solutions to the problem. Discuss everything and decide which of the options will suit both of you. Be prepared to compromise: in some way you will concede, in some way your partner will concede, and as a result you will stop at the option that is most acceptable for both of you.

Better yet, of course, not to bring this conflict to the fore. Most fights happen because partners are afraid or unable to talk to each other. about what they don't like. They are silent, afraid of offending their partner, but over time, irritation builds up and a scandal breaks out. But do you really think that a complaint expressed in a calm tone will offend your partner more than a loud scandal?

One more iron rule showdown: you can never sort things out in the environment of other people, acquaintances or strangers - it doesn't matter. Agree that you will not quarrel at a party, in public places, etc. Get home, and already there swear as much as you like. By the way, perhaps by this time you will have time to cool down and will be able to sort things out calmly. Also, do not quarrel in bed and in a state of alcoholic intoxication - there is nothing constructive in such quarrels.

So, the two main rules for finding out the relationship: do not be afraid to do it and keep yourself in control. But even better learn to calmly discuss with a partner everything that worries you / does not suit you, and then it will simply not come to a showdown and debriefing. Remember, mutual understanding and mutual respect are the best friends of a strong relationship.

Of course not. But learning the technique, developing a strategy and tactics for solving problems is extremely necessary.

But it is even more important in the process of sorting out the relationship not to make mistakes that can ruin the most tender feelings. And then it will be much more difficult, if not impossible, to fix the mistakes.

So what are the most common mistakes women make when dealing with?

Men think differently

That is why even the most beloved man will never be able to become a friend. And even more so a girlfriend. A man will take your upset feelings, bad mood or desire to pop a psycho first of all at his own expense. That's why any demonstrations of dissatisfaction will be perceived as a signal that he is doing something wrong, and this greatly annoys any man. And the first, even his unconscious desire, is to stop this flow of negative energy. Here is the ground for a scandal and prepared.

Most men do not understand our emotional vulnerability and hormonal changes. Therefore, if you can say to a friend, “For some reason, I am in a disgusting mood today,” then a man may be offended by such a statement outright. How can there be a disgusting mood next to him?

Even if the bad mood is based on a quarrel with a colleague and the woman tries to explain the situation out loud and on the shelves, then her friend most likely will not need it. She will answer without going into details: “I have always said that N is a fool. Well done". After all, this is what we want to hear.

And the man, with his rationalistic thinking, will begin to figure out what and why. And it may well turn out that the woman herself is wrong. But does it really matter if only consolation was required from a man?

Taking the blame for the disgusting mood on himself, the man begins to dig into his reasons instead of hugging and assuring him of his love. And the woman does not feel any desire to senselessly sort out the unpleasant events of the past day. Hence the growing irritation, mutual misunderstanding and resentment.

Hence the conclusion - starting a conversation, say directly what you want. If there is good advice - describe the situation in detail, leaving your emotions for later. And if there is consolation and support, then just say so. The man himself can hardly guess. That's why do not start a conversation with vague phrases like "I feel bad" ... This will alert the man, he will instinctively and immediately begin to defend himself, and sometimes quite aggressively.

Third wheel

Often, to confirm her words, a woman involves a third party in an argument. And the worst thing she can do is start comparing her husband to someone else. The man is offended by the unfair comparison, the dispute becomes unconstructive and develops into a scandal.

It is even worse if beloved relatives, especially his mother, are affected by offensive comparisons. As much as it is true, family feelings will take up and the man will rush at the call of the blood to protect his relatives. The dispute immediately loses its rational grain, and claims and reproaches lead to a dead end.

Without any reasons...

Now let's look at the situation through the eyes of a man. For a long time, the woman did not react in any way to his qualities, even affectionately called him beloved and the best. So, from his point of view, these qualities are quite acceptable, and maybe even like them.

And here for him a bolt from the blue! Yesterday everything was fine, but today the accusations with the murderous "You always do this!" But he didn’t know that the woman didn’t like it. That's why, when the negativity is already taking over, take a deep breath and start the conversation calmly, explaining what specifically you do not like and how it can be changed, that everyone was good.

And it is even better not to accumulate negative emotions in yourself, but to express them immediately, but in a calm, correct form. The lover will understand at once, the lover will not understand even a cry.

But it is the cry that all men, like women, perceive very badly. It is very easy to get a reaction opposite to the desired one by switching to insults, sarcastic remarks and shouts in a dispute. Agree that much more can be achieved from you, if not by gentle words, then at least in a restrained tone of conversation. And men, no less than women, love to be caressed and praised. Determine for yourself the line when the argument turns into a scandal, and do not cross it. This will guarantee a long and happy family life.

Ideal relationships are not common. Often, even between close people, disagreements occur when it is incredibly difficult to come to an agreement. Someone, avoiding aggravation of relations, accumulates grievances and is silent. And someone makes a scandal with the beating of everything that comes to hand.

Finding out the relationship is not the most pleasant moment in communication. And if you can't do without it, it's better to sort things out correctly. Sometimes it is simply necessary to throw out emotions, otherwise a nervous breakdown and depression are inevitable. But this does not mean that you need to scandalize for any reason. Better to learn to control yourself. Then the quarrel will not lead to a break in the relationship.

Woman, emotions and results

Women are often more emotional when arguing. It just so happened for a long time that it is a woman who is the keeper of the hearth. And she also manages to calm down the seething emotions better.

A man in the heat of a quarrel will simply leave. This does not mean that he is indifferent to what is happening. It is much easier for him to wait until his partner calms down than to calm down a woman in anger. Although, who knows how soon he wants to come back. A banal situation - the wife makes a scandal about the frequent or long absence of her husband. It is possible that everything will end with the fact that the husband will leave forever.

About the ability to stop in time

When emotions run high, it can be difficult to refrain from insults. But the cause of the quarrel will eventually be forgotten, and the offensive word dropped in the heat of the moment will be remembered for a long time. Even if the conversation is in a raised voice, do not forget that this is still a loved one who does not deserve insults.

Where exactly you shouldn't arrange a showdown

Another good tip about an argument is to never have a showdown in public. Believe me, extra eyes and ears will not help you find mutual understanding. But creating problems in the future is easy. You will make peace and forget about the quarrel, and someone will claim for a long time that you or your partner are brawlers.

Better to postpone the fight until you get home. Moreover, by that time the emotions will have cooled down, and the dispute will pass more calmly.

"Debriefing" at work

Clarifying relationships at work is a separate topic. Often, conflicts at work are not related to professional activities. Usually, domestic problems are the cause of dissatisfaction.

If you cannot avoid conflict at work, the main thing is not to succumb to provocation and not to get personal. Moreover, you shouldn't raise your voice and shout without a reason. Otherwise, the brawler's stigma can be fixed for a long time.

Defending your opinion by shouting and not listening to your partner is ineffective. Especially if the opponent is a professional brawler. A calm, convincing tone and, for example, the phrase: "Your opinion is clear to me" will allow you to easily get away from the amateur to make a scandal. He will simply not be interested in communicating with you, because you absolutely do not react in any way to all his attempts to involve you in an argument.

What is necessary to end the quarrel

The most difficult thing in a conflict situation is to finish the showdown. civilized. Leaving by slamming the door is not an option. This will only lead to a prolongation of the conflict. And such a conflict not only will not help relieve tension, but can also create many new problems.

No matter how violent the quarrel was, in the end it is important not only to make peace, but also to agree on new rules of the game. Otherwise, all your strength will be wasted, and the man will stop taking you seriously. He will think that you yourself do not know what you want and are just picking on him.

A scandal is always easy to start. But to finish it and even more so to get out of the quarrel with dignity - this is already not an easy task. Dealing with it often requires good composure and a clear understanding of your goal. Otherwise, emotions will easily take over. In this case, the chances of defending their interests in the dispute will tend to zero.

How do you personally feel about quarrels? Do you know how to manage your emotions? Do you always understand why you are getting involved in an argument? What are the most common difficulties? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments to the article.

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