Material dependence on her husband: what to do? How to be a strong and independent woman

27.07.2019

It is not worth resolving the issue of divorce in one evening and making spontaneous rash steps - this can lead to irreparable consequences. First, you should talk to your spouse about the problems that exist in the family. Try to find ways to solve them. If a woman realizes that her husband is not ready or does not want to change the current situation, then it is necessary to decide and part with him. Moreover, one should not live with a man under the same roof if he raises his hand to his wife, humiliates her and does not show respect.

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If life with your husband has become unbearable, then you should not try to maintain a relationship, you need to leave him. No need to think about who is to blame for what happened. The most reasonable decision in this situation would be to decide to leave your husband and start a new life after a divorce.

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Reasons for divorce

Whether or not to divorce your husband depends on the current situation. If a spouse has mental problems, he is a tyrant, then leaving him is the right decision. If you have one child or several, you should not put them and your life in danger.

Before parting with your husband, you need to think it over. Perhaps there is another way out of this situation. Possible reasons for divorce:

1. Alcohol or drug addiction... By being close to a man who has a harmful addiction, a woman endangers her life and health. A spouse, under the influence of drugs and alcohol, is able to show aggression, to commit rash acts that can be dangerous to others.
2. Beatings... If a husband raises his hand against his wife, there is no need to endure it. Having hit a woman at least once, a man will always continue to do so. Only divorce will help to stop this.
3. Constant infidelity... Very often women, having learned about infidelity, forgive a man. If it was a casual relationship, then that's okay. But if this continues constantly, only a person who does not love and respect himself is able to put up with it.
4. Lack of love... If a woman has no feelings for her spouse, there is no need to torture herself with pretense. Also, if a wife realizes that her husband has no love for her, this also becomes a reason for parting.
5. Lack of desire to provide for the family. If the spouse is a healthy person, but does not work and does not even try to find a job, the wife may also think about divorce.

It doesn't matter what the reason is for the divorce. With the right tactics, the separation will be less painful.

Why is it difficult to decide on parting?

Even if the wife has nothing in common with her spouse, the feelings have long faded away, and only resentment and anger at him remains in my soul, it is still not so easy to decide on a divorce. There are some reasons that can stop a woman from leaving. These include:

1. Children). Often a woman stays with her husband, as she believes that the child should grow up in a complete family, he should have a mom and dad. But this is wrong. If there is no respect, understanding and love between the parents, scandals and fights constantly occur, then it is unlikely that the child will be well in such a family. It is worth considering the mental health of your children.
2. Material dependence... Often the spouse is stopped by the fact that all material goods are the property of the husband (apartment, car, etc.). In this case, the woman simply has nowhere to go, and she has to live next to the unloved person.
3. Fear... There are situations when a spouse intimidates his wife with violence if she wants to leave him. Because of fear for her life and health, she cannot decide on a divorce.
4. Habit... Some women find it difficult to make drastic changes. A measured life and a well-established life can stop you from parting with your spouse.
5. A pity... It also happens that a woman is stopped by a feeling of pity for her spouse. Do not think that he is not able to live alone. In such situations, you need to worry about your life, yourself and your children.

How to make a decision?

Before making a decision to leave, a woman needs to think over everything to the smallest detail. You should only consider your feelings and desires. If your husband insults, humiliates, beats, cheats, feelings have cooled down, you should not try to justify him. A man should never allow himself this in relation to any girl. And even if he repents and asks for forgiveness, sooner or later it will happen again.

It is worth deciding where to go after breaking up, what to do and how to arrange your life. If there are children, then you should think about how to correctly present information to them, how to solve the issue of the father's participation in their life. Whatever the relationship of the parents with each other, this should not be reflected in the children.

A woman should not make a decision in a hurry without thinking it over. This threatens that she will later regret him.

How to tell your husband about parting?

For the separation to be painless, there is no need to arrange scandals, fights and tantrums. It is recommended to find the right moment and tell him that he should leave, that the spouses are different people and each has his own path. During a conversation, you should not tell him about his shortcomings.

If the couple has something to share (jointly acquired property), then it is necessary to calmly discuss everything. It should be understood that it is better to solve everything peacefully and keep friendly relations with your ex-husband, especially if you have children.

If a woman leaves her husband who abuses alcohol, then you can not say anything to him. Such a man may not immediately notice the absence of a wife.

How to break up?

To prepare for leaving your spouse, you should understand who the woman lives with:

1. Favorite spouse... There are situations when a man suddenly becomes rude and harsh towards his wife. Even madly in love with him, a woman should not forgive such behavior and put up with what is happening. It is worth talking to your husband calmly, without scandals. Tell him about the reasons that prompted this decision. If there is a joint child, it is necessary to discuss the procedure for communicating with him, help in material terms, etc. After that, find a place to live and move.
2. Alcoholic or drug addict... If the spouse is prone to addiction, do not scandal, shout and slam the door before leaving. A person who uses alcohol or drugs is unable to adequately assess what is happening, and it is impossible to predict his reaction. Therefore, it is recommended to leave when he is not at home.
3. Despot... It is worth leaving such a man fully prepared, and the main thing is that he does not know anything about it. If he becomes aware of his departure, he can hardly be expected to pass peacefully. It is necessary to collect all the documents, available money and flee. A woman must decide in advance on the place of residence. This can be a rented apartment, relatives, friends, etc.

If a woman does not have a job and is financially dependent on her husband, then before leaving, it is worth saving up a certain amount of money for the first time. You should think in advance about the source of income (find a job).

1. Surround yourself with positive

Dealing with negative people can not only affect your mood, but also ruin your entire day. Even if you are positive, pessimistic words can make you lose your joy and inspiration. Therefore, avoid such people, communication with whom will bring you only sadness and disappointment. Instead, surround yourself with positivity by connecting with those who make you feel comfortable and relaxed. Such people will support you in your efforts to become more independent.

2. Ignore other people's opinions

Whenever you need to make a responsible decision, rely only on yourself. Think about all your achievements, you can certainly be proud of yourself, how much you have already done or achieved. Whether others approve of your decisions or not, your success is entirely up to you. In order to become an independent person, you do not have to follow the ideals and thoughts of the majority.

3. Boost Your Confidence

Undoubtedly, self-confidence greatly contributes to your success, and this determines the relationship with the people around us. As a doubter, you will have to face many challenges in making the extra effort to achieve your goal. Just relax and walk towards your goal with confidence. In this way, you will demonstrate to others that you are firm in what you say and do. But this does not mean at all that you need to behave arrogantly. These are quite different things. Self-confidence is just a way to show people that you are content and happy.

4. Make your own decisions

Making decisions is not easy work. Sometimes it can take you a long time to make the final choice without hesitation. In such situations, most of us tend to turn to loved ones for advice. But still, the last word should be yours, because you have your own point of view, interests and personal qualities that will influence your decision.

5. Focus on achieving your goal

To achieve a certain goal, you must clearly weigh your capabilities and make every effort to improve your skills and abilities. Focus on those aspects that are most meaningful to you and do not be distracted by all sorts of little things that can ruin all your plans. If you devote yourself to what you are confident in, then you will always achieve success, albeit not immediately. Self-motivation is also integral to your accomplishments, as it will give you inspiration even when there are difficulties along the way.

6. Create your own model of behavior

Of course, it's good if you have someone who can be a model for you. However, you should not try to replicate other people's victories. You have personality traits that make you unique and you need to stick to them when you want to achieve your goal. As a rule, we constantly compare ourselves to someone else and tend to think that they are much better than us. This is one of the biggest mistakes you must avoid if you want to become more independent.

7. Become financially responsible

There are certain periods in life when we are financially dependent, for example, on our parents. For most of us, this is a great time, because we could get money when we need it, moreover, we didn't have to do anything for this. In this regard, we must value every minute of our childhood and be grateful to our parents for everything they have done for us. Sooner or later we are adults and we start making money ourselves. Therefore, children must learn to value money from an early age so that they can then increase their independence and freedom. The very moment you start to be financially responsible, you will have a wonderful sense of self-satisfaction and financial independence.

Emotional addiction- This is a type of psychological dependence, in which strong or polar emotions are manifested, experienced in contact with the object of passions. Emotional dependence on a person is a kind of dependence that displaces the life, interests and affairs of the person himself into the background, leaving only the relationship and the object of dependence. There is a merger and loss of one's own self, the need for vivid emotions increases (as with chemical dependence, the required dose of the substance increases).

Emotions do not have to have a positive orientation (more often this happens only at the initial stages of a relationship, and then they are replaced by fear, jealousy, resentment, anger), but they must necessarily be very strong or have the character of a sharp contrasting difference.

The opposite pole of emotional dependence is counterdependence, into which a person plunges after experiencing the experience of dissolving in another. This is a state of denial of the importance of relationships and attachment, when merging is intimidating, people keep a distance from other and close relationships, avoiding attachment and responsibility.

Emotional addiction in relationships

Emotional dependence is officially recognized as a disease, and there is also established evidence that 98 percent of people tend to create dependent (in varying degrees of manifestation) relationships. In a relationship, there can be an emotional dependence on a woman, on a man, on parents, on a friend (anyone with whom there is significant emotional contact).

The causes of emotional dependence are rooted in deep childhood and are associated with the psychological trauma of neglect, rejection, or other type of connection with the parent, in which emotional contact was grossly broken or absent. From this inherent rejection, two types of dependent behavior are formed - either the avoidance of excessive intimacy and openness, or the desire for maximum intimacy with the dissolution of one's own personality to please the interests of the partner.

Children growing up with problems with emotional dependence are most often brought up in dysfunctional families where it was impossible to directly discuss conflict or controversial situations, and more often all participants in the process pretended that there was no problem. Some features of codependency are introduced into the personality by society and religion, in which the idea is cultivated that you need to be comfortable, obedient, correct, and then you will be loved and protected.

For such people, it can be unbearably painful to perceive the reality of the manifestation of close relationships instead of their fantasy, and, nevertheless, they will subconsciously choose from all the people they meet as partners for themselves those who are also inclined to build codependent relationships, so that when they relive the trauma, they will try heal her. In addition to experiencing emotional causes of codependency, there are those that are capable of activating codependent behavior. This is living for more than six months with a person who has some type of addiction (alcoholic, gambling, drug); it is believed that this is exactly how much time is required for the assimilation of codependent behaviors, which, one way or another, are included when living with an addict.

In a codependent relationship, there is a predefined scenario in which roles are pre-assigned. These can be the roles of the abuser and victim, active and interested in the relationship, and blasé and avoidant contact. In any of the options, there are a large number of feelings that are repressed (guilt, need for separation or attachment).

When solving the problems of emotional dependence in a couple or family relationships, it happens that people find themselves in a void and understand that apart from dependence, nothing connected them or they fall into its extreme - counterdependence. But those who have worked through their inner problems, have gone through real therapy, and not just stopped a difficult connection, get the opportunity to see another person, and not their own about him and build a really strong connection.

Distinctive signs of emotional dependence on healthy relationships can be considered excessive feelings, the desire to spend all the time only together, or when the partner is distant, absorption in the problems and interests of the other, the absence of their own plans for the future, the inability to take a real look at the partner's shortcomings. Own life preferences, momentary desires are not realized, there is a tendency to sacrifice oneself, one's comfort, health for the sake of a partner, there is a lack of will and a lack of energy and the ability to be responsible for the events of one's life and the actions committed in it.

Emotional features of addiction

This should include the understanding that you cannot live without a person, that happiness or normal emotional well-being is possible for you only when he is around, and your whole life comes down to waiting for these moments, despite the fact that being together leads to frequent, there is no independent possibility to break relations.

Signs of emotional addiction in a relationship- this is a decrease in the importance of all other areas of life, an increase in the appearance of a thought about a possible separation, since loneliness is frightening, there is a desire to be always together. A feeling of loss of oneself is characteristic, it is difficult to remember your hobbies and interests, without looking back at your partner. Relationships are accompanied by suffering from the partner's behavior (lack of attention, betrayal, rude treatment), but constant patience for such actions, which gives rise to emotional swings and frequent mood swings. This is relevant and applicable to a person who has life problems, and if all of the above is about you, but you are quite adaptive, successful and socialized in life, then this is not a violation of the norm, but simply represents your unique way of life.

Situations that increase vulnerability for the emergence of emotional dependence: crisis moments in life, transition periods (new job, place of residence), being far from the familiar world, critical load (physical or psycho-emotional).

If a person is emotionally dependent, then he gives responsibility for his happiness, self-awareness and life to the department and order of another, and often this does not apply to one person (although neighbors, for example, spouses, get the most), but to the whole environment. It is due to the diffuse distribution of responsibility among all available people that it is ultimately impossible to take it for yourself. It's a fine line between a healthy relationship with an element of interdependence and codependency. It is possible to distinguish that you have become addicted by analyzing how strongly your emotions depend on the actions of your partner, and how long the mood change lasts, whether you are looking for the meaning of life in it, the one who will provide safety and salvation from loneliness.

Full and healthy relationships contribute to the stable and development of a person, do not contradict his freedom and inner convictions, and are based on respect and mutual trust. While dependent relationships are built on the suppression of the will, desires and free personal manifestation of one of the participants in the interaction, there is a division into the main and the non-main in interaction and decision-making, and are accompanied by feelings of anxiety, fear, insecurity.

Due to excessive stress, which is a constant companion of addictive relationships, psychosomatic diseases develop (associated with the skin and gastrointestinal tract, which is caused by frequent outbursts of anger and jealousy), diseases of the neurological spectrum appear, and are possible.

In a situation of healthy love, on the contrary, an increase in immunity is observed, a surge of strength and vigor, a person's life is harmonized. New acquaintances appear, things at work improve, the presence of a feeling of freedom and lightness of what is happening is characteristic.

When breaking up, emotionally dependent people can become seriously ill, fall into or, resort to self-harm, or commit suicide. This is due to an atrophied ability to independently cope with super-strong emotions caused by the loss of a significant relationship or a person (which for an emotionally dependent person in this situation is equivalent to a loss). It is out of fear of disappearing along with the object of passion that they can strive to control their partner, check his pockets, calls and correspondence, blackmail, demand constant presence, reports, observance of rituals, and confirmation of their importance.

Emotional dependence on a man is characteristic of a certain type of women who are able to easily fall in love, ignoring a person's shortcomings, focusing on his real or invented and attributed merits. It is characteristic of such a woman to put love experiences first. Thoughts and emotions arising from this about relationships are spinning in her energy field, even if she is not in a relationship now, she can fantasize about a new meeting or the return of her former lover (it is a large number of such fantasies that prevents her from seeing reality).

For fear of losing the relationship, an emotionally dependent woman will constantly call, impose, stifle her attention and care. Men have two options for responding to such behavior - it is to quickly retreat or to use obsequious behavior for their own purposes. In any case, such a relationship does not contribute to development and does not have a chance to be long, a very painful break occurs for a woman, after experiencing which she again begins to feel a terrible inner emptiness, which she seeks to fill with someone else.

The reasons for the emergence of such vicious circles are difficulties in establishing personal boundaries and the ability to realistically assess the surrounding reality. This should also include the experienced traumatic situations of violence, which gives rise to the simultaneous experience of polar feelings in relation to a man.

This description was just an example, since emotional dependence on a woman occurs with the same frequency. The reasons for the emergence of emotional dependence on a woman are the same, there is only a difference in the ways of manifestation. So men are more likely to have outbursts of jealousy combined with anger, the use of physical force when feeling helpless in front of a flurry of emotions, substitution with other types of addiction (alcohol, drugs, speeding, gambling).

How to get rid of emotional addiction?

If you noticed in your biography the reasons for emotional dependence and at the moment your emotional state is characterized by many anxious feelings, for example, due to a pause in a relationship, then you should learn how to cope with overwhelming emotions on your own.

To do this, it is worth shifting the vector of your attention from your partner to your own life, as well as removing responsibility for your future from him. It is important to be “here and now”, not thinking about what a person can do now, without interpreting and not scrolling through the entire million options in his head. Stop thinking about possible futures and return your attention and directed energy to the present moment, a great way to do this is to go into the body. Track the feelings that arise and experience them. If emotion, according to your feelings, is concentrated in a certain part of the body, then release it through the movement, if you have accumulated a lot of words, write a letter to your partner (no need to send it, these feelings are from your early trauma).

Show instant concern and love for yourself, because the main reason for emotional dependence is a lack of love and an attempt to fill this void with the help of another. Feel your desires and give yourself joy - it can be a cup of coffee, a run, a conversation with a friend, shopping, creativity, whatever will please. After the emotions have leveled off and calmed down, you looked at the situation that caused the storm of emotions from a different angle and analyzed it, you can choose (really consciously choose, and not succumb to passion) how to proceed or choose a wait and see attitude. Before you take action (calls, showdown, scandal), think about the consequences of such actions for the relationship, because your behavior shapes the scenario of the relationship and whether this type of interaction suits you.

Emotional addiction is treated by a psychotherapist. Sign up for psychotherapy, where you will be able to work through previously received trauma, your feelings and gain access to the simultaneous experience of polar states, instead of suppressing one of the emotions that have arisen. It is worth working with boundaries and responsibilities, in the process of which you accept yours and give people their responsibility.

With your inner change, your relationship, their dynamics and content will change, your partner's behavior will change. Often there is a stabilization and improvement in relationships with others, and not just with a partner. When emotional dependence on a man turned into confidence, then someone new and more worthy often appears on the horizon, or the old partner stops avoiding meetings, but on the contrary begins to look for reasons for contact.

How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man?

Getting rid of emotional dependence does not mean getting out of a traumatic relationship with minimal losses, but gaining the ability not to enter into such a relationship, the ability to build your personal boundaries and establish healthy relationships in the future.

An important step is to take on your own responsibility and replenish the energy lost in stress. You should stop wearing the mask of an ideal that will endure any pain and survive any adversity with a smile, and begin to recognize your needs, take care of yourself, fill your life with happiness, strength and meaning on your own and in any situations, and not expect this from others as an integral part obligations.

How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man? To embark on a journey of change, determine whether you want to overcome addiction in your existing relationship or in others. Determine what price you will pay, what you will sacrifice if you do not change anything in yourself and the relationship, and remain dependent, as well as what prospects are liberated. You can write these points in a notebook, and it is not necessary that the disposal should contain only positive points. There will definitely be a lot of responsibility, fear of meeting oneself, the possible loss of the current relationship.

Spend more time with body practice, breathing exercises - this makes it possible to feel the border between your body and the environment, which will help in establishing psychological boundaries. Take your responsibility and hand over his decision to another - believe me, this is quite enough. Calculate your strength and respect the other person's choices. Attempts at complete control will not secure your relationship, but will only lead to the desire to hide what is happening more and more thoroughly in order to leave yourself at least a piece of free breathing.

You can voice what you want. Anyone has the right to fulfill your request or refuse, in any of the options you, not him, are fully responsible for your emotional state and satisfaction of necessary needs.

The phrase “I love him so much that I cannot live without him” evokes some admiration in us - they say, this is love, this is a feeling. But in fact, there is nothing good in completely not imagining life without a man.

Mutual strong love, when one does not want to see someone else next to him, but only his chosen one, really deserves respect. But the inability to remain alone with oneself is nothing more than a voluntary renunciation of inner freedom. But freedom is necessary for every woman, no matter how strong a relationship she is.

“He leaves - and I go out, I don't want anything, the world turns gray, everything is meaningless. He comes - and I shine, spin, cook, in general, he is a source of energy and strength for me, ”- those women who sincerely think so are wrong.

A man is not a source of strength and energy for them, but a drug, and a rather strong one, capable of driving them into a state of depression, when everything falls out of hand and they do not want to live. As a rule, such an attitude towards the chosen one suggests that a woman is not self-sufficient, does not value her “I” and sees herself only next to someone, but not alone. She is too painfully experiencing separation from her beloved, even the shortest, depends on his opinion and disposition, does not imagine that it is possible to buy something without consulting a partner, and is very worried if her choice was not approved. All these torments do not make any of the beloved happy.

The man, in the end, realizes that there is too much of her in his life, and loses interest, because he sees that he has already achieved everything he wanted. A woman suffers when, for some reason, she does not receive the much-desired "dose" in the form of his attention, approval, or simply being around.

Of course, it is possible that in your case everything is not so exaggerated, but if you notice that you also want to crawl under the covers with your head, when the relationship with your beloved is not going well, he does not call or goes on a business trip, that is a reason to think, and not addicted Are you from your man? It may well be that these tips will be useful to you.

Don't Shift Responsibility

We have said more than once in our articles that most people like to shift responsibility for everything they feel, or for everything that happens to them, onto others. So it is easier in your own eyes to remain correct, not to blame for any troubles, they say: "He did not come, because of this I was upset." But the only problem is that you yourself allowed yourself to get upset. Yes, it is possible that the meeting that had been planned was disrupted, he was detained at work, but you didn’t even try to spend the free time in some other way, instead, you preferred to put on the “I am in sadness” mask and pulled the blanket over your head again ...

Remember: it is not a man who makes you happy, only you allow him to make you happy.

Don't get too high hopes

If your relationship is at an early stage, and you already feel that the absence of his calls makes you nervously walk back and forth around the apartment, then imagine that this is just a fleeting connection, nothing more. The thought that this is love forever, forever and ever (at least from your side), in this situation will not help to remain calm. Imagine that a crowd of the same fans is waiting for you outside the door, and get down to business with a cool head. He will call - good, no - well, the world will not turn upside down from this, the end of the world will not come.

Find what you love

Addiction does not make anyone happy, because as soon as what they want is taken away from a person, he becomes vulnerable and sometimes experiences quite severe suffering. But if you are already addicted to your man, try to find another drug in the form of your favorite business. Immerse yourself in something that will distract you from your thoughts about your partner. Feel how your hobby makes you happy. And you will be surprised that you can sit at a decoupage master class and experience genuine joy, despite the fact that your man is far away.

Communicate

Man is a social being. Well, he cannot sit within four walls and wait every evening for a loved one from work, like the sun in a window. You just need to give your emotions and energy to someone else: friends, relatives, colleagues, even other men, if you don’t allow yourself anything more easy flirting. By the way, the latter is a great way to raise self-esteem. Feel desirable, then you will stop literally pulling attention from your chosen one with tongs.

Give him the opportunity to take the initiative.

Women who are addicted to men do everything for them - they call 15 times a day, offer to go to a cafe or a movie, ask about how the day went and, without waiting for a mutual question, talk about themselves. In general, wanting to fill the spiritual void that forms every time he disappears from sight, girls completely deprive men of the opportunity to take initiative. Stop hitting him on the hands, he may, and would like to call you, but that's just no need - you just hung up. By the way, as soon as you see that he is showing attention and, most importantly, he wants it, your addiction will become a little weaker, because we always desperately want what is more difficult to get.

Hello, my name is Masha. I am very dependent on my husband. In our family, I am the one who kisses, and he is the one who turns his cheek. I can't do that anymore.

It is always very important for me what he thinks of me, whether he approves of my actions, words, actions. If he doesn't like something about me, I worry very much and immediately rush to correct it. For example, he didn’t like my figure, and now I’m working on myself for 1.5 hours a day in the gym. He remarked to me that I was being too gentle with my subordinates - and I changed my communication style at work. Whatever he says, even if at first I resist, then I come to the conclusion that he is right. I am always very careful in choosing my words in a conversation with him, so as not to inadvertently provoke a quarrel. If he calls me to watch a film, and I was going to go to bed, since I have to go to work early tomorrow, I drop everything and go to watch a movie with him. If he asks for something, I postpone all my affairs and rush to fulfill the request, even if it is inconvenient for me. This almost slavish addiction scares me. I am afraid of losing him, displeasing him, offending him. Probably, due to the fact that I behave this way, it is difficult to respect me. My husband doesn't really depend on my opinion. He pays attention to me through force. If we have different opinions on some account, it is enough for him to just become colder with me, and I will immediately do as he wants, because for me his alienation is an unbearable punishment.

The thing is that he is not afraid of losing me, and I usually do it very much. He is dear to me, I see many advantages in him and I think that he would behave with me differently, much more warmly, if I had self-respect. After all, no one is forcing me to give up my position just because he raised an eyebrow in displeasure. But I got to a point of despair. I have no strength, no energy. I trudge to work like a squeezed lemon, I started to hurt. For the first time in my life, all sorts of thoughts of suicide come into my head, but the fact that mom and dad do not survive this, and some other hope keeps it. I despise myself for my weakness. For my mistakes, I constantly want to punish myself somehow.

How can I get rid of this addiction? It is clear that the reason is in me, and something urgently needs to be corrected. But I don't know, a) what exactly to do and b) whether it is worth divorcing my husband in parallel with these changes. On the one hand, if I change, perhaps his attitude towards me will also be understood. And, on the other hand, I'm afraid that it is still impossible to respect a person who was once clinging to you and lying at your feet, begging you not to leave, even if he changed his behavior.

Please tell me how to solve this. Thank you for your attention.