The child who was not expected. How does he live? Unwanted child and bad mother

An unwanted child is a child whose appearance was not wanted by one or both parents. As practice shows, this fact has a strong influence on the formation of the child's personality. In adulthood, such people often turn to psychotherapists with various problems.

The problem with such a person is that he sees the world through the prism of feelings of undesirability. Because of this, he may experience psychological discomfort in the form of feelings of insecurity, guilt and shame that his birth did not live up to parental expectations.

Unwanted children can be divided into two groups:

• Children who were not planned to appear. Too early or late pregnancy, children born the next year after the birth of the first child, unwillingness to give birth to a certain man, a man leaves his mother after the news of pregnancy, etc.
• Children unwanted by gender. Most often, these are the third, fourth or fifth boys or girls in a row.

Not in every case the unwanted child becomes less loved. In most cases, they receive enough parental love. Despite the fact that the fates of such children are different, there are some signs inherent in almost all unwanted children:

• increased level of anxiety;
• feeling guilty for not showing up on time;
• feeling of loneliness, uselessness;
• incomprehensible psychological discomfort.

Less often, an unwanted child may have depression, affective disorders, auto-aggression, a tendency to addictions. In addition, such children are more jealous, touchy, unsuccessful on the personal front. Problems in personal life arise due to the fact that a person cannot believe that he can be sincerely loved. The desire to be loved by parents makes such a child constantly prove that he is worthy of affection and care no less than other children in the family.

If attracting attention in a good way does not work, the child may begin to do this through illness or suicide attempts. Wanting to arouse pity for himself, the child shows how he lacks love. Due to the lack of parental love, some children begin to hate sisters or brothers.

In more successful cases, the unwanted child becomes a pushy person, succeeding in order to prove to adults that they were wrong about him. He tries to be more successful in everything than other children in the family. Research shows that unwanted children are the most caring. They diligently take care of elderly parents.

If we talk about unwanted children by gender, then problems in the sexual sphere can also be added to the above difficulties. With an incorrect attitude of parents (when, for example, a boy is dressed and raised as a girl at an early age), inclinations towards homosexuality, various sexual disorders may appear, a person may become a transgender or bisexual.

The undesirability of a child does not always have an acute negative impact on his future life. The consequences depend on many factors: the relationship of parents, upbringing, characteristics of the nervous system, social environment. Unwanted children do not always become unhappy, but this feature always leaves a certain imprint.

We are accustomed to consider unfortunate children left without parents. But now the situation is changing in the opposite direction. Now very often it turns out that a child has everything: parents, grandparents, a bunch of modern toys, but he grows nervous and painful. He simply simply does not have the most important thing - mother's love. The happiness of a baby is not measured by the well-being of his parents; for him, the most important thing is the care and love of the most important person in his life. So it turns out that with living parents, the child is almost an orphan.

Why is there no love?

Everyone believes that the maternal instinct is in the blood of a woman, but in fact, it is not uncommon for a mother to have no feelings for her child. Very often, young girls give birth under the pressure of their mother, doctors or the father of the unborn child, but they are not mentally or physically ready for the appearance of a little man. Everyone around says that everything will change when she sees a tiny bag, and this very maternal instinct wakes up. But in the end, an unwanted child is born, which becomes a burden for the mother for life.

There is a close symbiotic bond between mother and child. Even before birth, the baby feels all the emotions of the mother, her fears, worries and unwillingness to give birth. All this is transmitted to him on a subconscious level. Even if she only thinks about abortion, it will leave its mark on the nervous system of the baby. Z. Freud said (and then scientists proved it): "All the problems that we face in life are laid in the period from 3.5 months of conception to 6 years of life." There are many cases when a woman's unwillingness to have a child affected his later life. For example, the romantic relationship of one young girl ended in pregnancy. The father of the child abandoned him before birth, the strict mother was not told anything. The girl was on the verge of despair and tried to try all the "folk remedies" (drank some herbs, beat herself with her fists on the stomach). But nothing helped, and the boy was born. She had to come to terms with his appearance and fulfill her parental duty. But from an early age, negative aspects of character began to appear in the child. He could easily beat a dog or a cat, gouge out her eyes, and with age he became even more cruel. As a result, a criminal with drug addiction grew out of the boy.

How does the lack of warm maternal feelings for him affect the baby?

If even in the womb the child feels his uselessness, and then does not see affection and care, then, growing up, he turns into a "lonely wolf cub", unsuitable for life. It all depends on the mother (no matter how trite it may sound). It is she who gives impetus to unconscious programs, which the child then implements in life. And often the addictions of children are punishment for the sins of their parents.

What to do?

Many women consider abortion a way out of such a situation and calmly, without hesitation, go to the clinic. Meanwhile, abortion is tantamount to murder. Both the church and psychologists agree on this. By killing her child, a woman will sooner or later suffer a well-deserved punishment. This will affect her health, mental and physical, the health of future children and grandchildren, the karma of one of the descendants will be spoiled.

Before you go to the clinic for artificial termination of pregnancy, think about whether you are ready to bear responsibility for the rest of your life for this several hour procedure. Perhaps the birth of a baby will reveal hidden potential in you. If you choose to keep it, discard all doubts and fears, the child should not feel unwanted even before birth.

Even an unwanted and unplanned baby is not to blame for anything. Remember that children are the most important happiness, and their love is more precious than all riches. If you still have some concerns, and you can not overcome them, contact a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help you accept and love this tiny little man.

Hello! I will soon be 28. I am not married, I have a son. Now I am pregnant on the 2nd. I want another daughter. I am giving birth again without a husband, I am giving birth so that my son does not grow up alone, like me. I never saw my father. I can’t call my childhood carefree, and my youth too. On the 9th day after my birth, my mother left me with my grandmother and went to work in Almaty. in Almaty. All my childhood I only heard the word "FATHERLESS". Neighbors, at school, humiliated everyone. When I was 13, I was with my grandmother on vacation. My uncle, my mother's brother, raped me more than once. I was afraid of him and nobody she said. When my grandmother left, he woke me up at night and took me to another room, when I resisted, he beat me. Once I could not stand it and ran away from home in the morning. the day my grandmother arrived and immediately took me to Almata. No one told my mother, and I was silent. Sometimes it seems to me that I hate my grandmother, mother, relatives for not punishing this freak. then she couldn’t stand it and told everything to her mother, she cried but did nothing. My aunt, my mother’s sister took me to a gynecologist, she told me that the hymen was not hurt and everything would be fine with me, that I would get married and forget everything. calmed me down a bit. I was still a child and didn’t realize that I had been deceived. also a driver, an adult man, my close friend said that this was the father of her classmate. He would just be driving. I doubted, but they persuaded me. And when we arrived, I realized that we had arrived in a completely different place. It was already evening. They started drinking alcohol, I never drank at all. My girlfriends also refused to drink. Then our good friend, who had always been good, suddenly seemed to go berserk, broke a bottle and cut his hand. Then he forced the girls to drink. and when I resisted, he drowned me in the river, and then thrashed me, threw me on the sand and, beating me, took me by force. At that time, my girlfriend was also screaming somewhere. opened, the driver came and started climbing towards me, I started screaming, he dragged me by the hair into the tent. There he also raped me, said that if I didn’t calm down, he would call on the 3rd. In the morning they scared us that they would kill us if we told someone. They brought us home and left. My girlfriends and I cried, I suffered the most, I was all bruised. We went to the police, wrote a statement. I said that I was a virgin, but when the gynecologist examined, he said that the hymen had been torn off for a long time, I realized that all this time I had been living in deceit. The investigation lasted 3 months. I swallowed dimidrol, but they pumped me out. th guy. When we slept together, he left me. Then the 2nd. Then I met the father of my son. We met for 2 years, after 2 years we slept together and he also left. Then I found out that I was pregnant. She gave birth to a son. Now he is 4 .I met a man in the summer, he disappeared after sex. He is 41, married, has a daughter, she is 21. I found out that I was pregnant, I didn’t tell him. He really wants a son. He lives in another city, calls often, but rarely comes. It seems to me that he does not love me. Because of this, I often cry. As always, I feel lonely, useless to anyone.

Dinara, you described a very scary story. And before you many are to blame!

And their guilt and shame for their cowardice will lie on them - a heavy cross.

You are already 28 years old, and to give birth to a child only so that he creates the illusion of completeness for your son - this is also a crime!

But what can you do, now you, like your parents, will not hear anyone.

What for? now you decide the fate of children who depend on you.

You need serious psychological rehabilitation, think about what you can give your son and what it will be like for him to grow up with a mother who has neither pride nor the mind to realize herself and be happy no matter what the past!

You need to get an education and think about how to earn money for your son's education.

And you, with a living son, consider yourself lonely!

Good luck and mind!

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Dinara! It is very hard to read this, but you probably felt better after this letter. Although you do not ask a question in it, I just want to support you. If you decide to have a second child, then you have the opportunity to raise them alone. I hope that you have a stable job and you will not have to leave your children unattended and without motherly love. I really want to hope that you will not repeat the mistakes of your mother and grandmother.

Good luck to you.

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Dinara, hello. You experience very sad heavy feelings while reading your letter. Abandoned child. Unfortunately, abandoned children "carry" a feeling of abandonment, uselessness, loneliness all their lives. The lack of love in childhood actually affects our lives greatly. And your life is an example of this. All your misfortunes say that you were not loved in childhood and your mother left you in early childhood.

Dinara, you really need long-term soul therapy. Early childhood trauma deeply destroys the soul. You are still young enough to heal yourself and be able to change your life. Change the script of life.

I advise you to start therapy with a good psychologist. And over time, not immediately, but you will feel the fullness of life, feel the brightness of colors, feel love.

I wish you happiness, banal female happiness!

Regards, Tatiana

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