Does appearance matter in a relationship? Does appearance matter in a man? Is the beauty of a guy important for a girl

You can often hear the saying that the appearance of a man does not really matter to a woman, since in most cases they are more attracted to intelligence, masculine strength, and, of course, the fullness of his wallet, and the man himself should be a little prettier than a monkey. However, not everyone agrees with this statement, and the appearance of a man is very important, especially at the first meeting.

Most women consider beautiful men to be womanizers who are not capable of lasting feelings and faithful relationships. But when it comes to beautiful women, the opinion of the public tends more towards their merits and positive qualities. It is on this statement that most glossy magazines "make money" by "teaching" women to be beautiful.

However, a handsome, and most importantly, well-groomed man will be more desirable and attractive to a woman. The appearance of a man is generally very important at the first stage of a relationship, it is she who is the factor that affects the emergence of sympathy that provokes a man and a woman to look for opportunities to contact each other.

It should be noted that, probably, every man at least once asked women about the importance for them of the appearance of a man. There is no single answer to this question, and indeed it cannot be, since the criteria for a beautiful appearance are different for all people. Most often, people consider beautiful those people who are close to them in ethnic and national status, as well as similar to people from their immediate environment. Psychologists have proved the fact that only two features of a man's appearance are the same as beauty criteria for different cultures - this is height and muscle mass, while the rest of the features are strictly individual, and moreover, may vary depending on a particular country or city.

Nevertheless, in any society there are their own canons of beauty, that is, an attractive and handsome man seems so at once to many people living in the same area as him. At the same time, such generally recognized “handsome men” are very popular with the opposite sex. Naturally, in this situation, the question of the importance of the appearance of men for women becomes purely rhetorical.

But still, there is a big difference between recognizing a man as beautiful and wanting to have a love relationship with him. It turns out that men and women who choose handsome men as their second half have high self-esteem. Conversely, those who are not confident in themselves have low self-esteem, so they are more likely to choose someone who does not seem beautiful to the majority as a partner.

In order for sympathy in relations between a man and a woman to develop into a deeper and more serious feeling, however, one beautiful appearance is not enough for either of them. And women in particular. Everyone knows that men can be around a stupid and empty, but beautiful, long-legged, big-breasted "dancer" for quite a long time. Women are not like that at all, they quickly lose interest in beautiful, but empty-headed men, so this is inevitably followed by a break in relations.
After the initial period of a relationship, there comes a point when appearance ceases to be a key factor. In its place are common interests, a common perception of various life situations. At this stage, the general mood of a person is important. But this is not yet the phase of a relationship when you can show your partner your apathy, longing or depression. The stage of transition of sympathy to mutual attractiveness should be accompanied by friendly, warm relationships, they are the attribute of a successful relationship. The appearance of a man in this period of relationship is still important for a woman, although not the main thing. Therefore, it is better not to appear in front of each other in homemade or unkempt clothes, in a bad mood or tipsy in the first days of a romantic relationship.
Family psychologists distinguish several phases of love: sympathy, attractiveness, falling in love and love. In fact, the appearance of a man for a woman is important only during the first two phases of love, but in the future, after a period of mutual “watching”, lovers of cute faces may develop deep feelings for their boyfriend, while he may not be so “handsome”.

So are there women for whom the beauty of a man is very important, for whom it is the main criterion for their choice and why? It is impossible to answer this question unambiguously. In most cases, women, for whom the beauty of a man is important, always have a high opinion of themselves. In addition, when choosing, they are guided by the desire to appear to others more beautiful than they really are. And this is understandable, since psychologists note that against the background of a handsome man, any woman will look like a queen. Of course, most people express bewilderment and surprise at the sight of the one that a handsome man has chosen as his partner. But gradually their opinion changes, and they begin to think that since he chose her, then she deserves him. Therefore, for a woman, choosing a handsome man as a partner is her great social capital, since for others she herself becomes more attractive.

Question to a psychologist

I and my chosen one are 21. The situation is extremely delicate, from early childhood I claimed that I would choose only the most handsome and smart man in the world, but the older I got, the more often it was asserted that these same handsome men are simply terribly proud and extremely selfish, and those who, despite their beauty, remained worthy men were still almost from the cradle in strong relationships. Many people call me the most beautiful girl on the stream, which is very flattering, given how low my self-esteem is, but the guys swore in droves in love, and beautiful, and smart, and kind, and rich, and poor, etc., but no one could go further level of "sympathy", and here, a person who studied side by side for several years, at some point could turn out to be almost the best (kind, gentle, good sense of humor) and was able to discern in me, in addition to appearance, a whole world filled with books , music, creativity and more. With all its positive qualities, it has a big drawback, it is a narrow section of the eyes. We fell in love with him and, if we forget about the many difficulties that await us in the future (my family is against exotic nationalities, and I myself am Georgian), I would be happy to live my whole life with him, but there is one such big BUT: in Because of my troubled childhood, I really, really don't want my kids to go through the same thing. In Russia, not just even dark-haired, and even with narrow eyes, it will be a living hell for kids! Girls will have complexes, boys will not be popular .. Should I give vent to feelings and spoil the life of future children or find a handsome guy, most likely a moral monster, and give birth to handsome children? Is it selfish, perhaps, in this case, to choose your happiness with a caring man?

Psychologists Answers

Hello Alina.

A child from an unloved man in a toxic family will suffer even more, and bullying and nagging in adolescence is experienced by children of all nationalities. It is strange that you decided in advance for your unborn children their fate, found problems for them and determined the country in which they will live. All this may be your deep delusion. Nobody knows the future.

The dislike of Russians in dark-haired is absolutely far-fetched. Russia has always been a multinational state and in different cities people have very different attitudes towards the appearance of other dissimilar or similar people. It seems to me that it depends more on the level of education and the culture of the environment in which you would live and raise children. Yes, there are very rude, limited and cruel people, and they are in any country in the world, but there is also a normal healthy environment where people treat each other with tolerance and consideration.

Perhaps your personal psychological traumas prevent you from seeing the situation more widely and you perceive and interpret individual words and events more painfully, in which people do not even put the meaning that you or your loved ones discover.

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Hello Alina! You have to pay for everything. Choosing a man with a beautiful appearance, you, in most cases, doom yourself to play a male role in the family. For your handsome man, you will have to become the main breadwinner in the family and drag mammoths to your husband's beautiful feet. And the husband can take it at any moment and go to another, because she gave him a cool Japanese motorcycle, and you could only give him the usual viburnum fret.

It has been statistically proven that young people tend to create pairs with people who are approximately equal to them in terms of external attractiveness. And this is just following fashion, cultural stereotypes. Such a choice for family happiness is of no use.

And what then has weight for family well-being. And for family well-being, it matters that your man was thrilled by one of your looks, lost, did not know what to say and felt like a monster next to a beauty. What is important for a woman? And for her, it is important that men be for her the earner of mammoths and burn with the desire to work for the good of the family.

And also about the beauty of potential offspring - children in the kindergarten and school will be judged not by the beauty of the body, but by the high cost of the clothes they are wearing. This is our current world.

wisdom to you, Alina!

I consult via Skype. Belova Lyubov, psychologist/psychotherapist

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Alina "The course of your thoughts is interesting. It is worth noting that you are not alone in your doubts, I periodically encounter similar situations in my work. Let me drop my article for you, I invite you to my website, since I work as a psychologist-sexologist. Here everything depends on your personal perception, everyone chooses and decides for himself. on my site. Good luck!

I love men of a certain appearance. Pros and cons. It is important to love yourself. Posted in Articles | November 13, 2013

I want to tell you as a psychotherapist who conducts women's trainings on choosing a future partner, which is sometimes extremely important for a woman when her man has a certain appearance.

As an example, I will cite the story of one girl for whom it was very important that a man be handsome. It seems to be not bad, but nevertheless, it significantly narrowed her choice, besides, she was already over 30, and a young man was not considered.

The first thing we came up with was insufficient self-love (the root of the problem), from which everything else has already gone.

The beginning of this was the following story. When the client was 5 years old, her parents left and temporarily left the girl to her grandmother. She remembered herself standing on the platform and roaring after the departing train. Then she determined for herself: *they do not love me*.

In the future, this changed somewhat, because men began to come into the life of the girl. She began to realize that she was beautiful. And her conviction now said the following: “Let them love me better, and I, in order not to suffer, should not love myself,”

I will note, as a practicing psychotherapist, I know many examples of women having these beliefs when they are closed from love. At first glance, someone will say: "not bad." But try to live with a man to whom you are initially indifferent, and then it will gradually turn into irritation. When only his touch and the feeling of *missed opportunities* can infuriate. So, it is worth considering whether you need such a conviction.

Now about beautiful men. The client said: "I love the beautiful." I ask: "is it good?" She, who at first thought it was a good thing, began to delve into herself. And suddenly, quite unexpectedly, she reached her age of 21. And she saw herself disheveled, with pimples on her face, and decided that she lacked her own beauty: “I will look for beauty in men.”

Now, when I pointed out to her the true meaning of this belief, she began to understand something for herself and reformulated it, suddenly realizing that: “I want a decent one for myself.” And her criteria for evaluating the appearance of a man have changed. She outlined the following: “the main thing from the appearance for me is a man who has a nose. I like it to stand out on the face (within reason), but it has to be.”

Then - in terms of figure. She remembered her *ex*, and just acquaintances, and unfamiliar men, making such a generalization: *nothing if there is a small tummy*.

Now a few words about the growth of men. The client herself was not tall, and if earlier she only wanted a man from 180 cm and above, now she said: “Come on, let it be at least 173, my dad is short, but he is a good husband.”

In the future, we moved on to the topic: "it is important to love yourself." She remembered when a tearful friend came running to her, who was going through her breakup with a man, and the client decided for herself: “Love is equal to suffering.” And now, realizing that it’s absolutely not worth it to sympathize with a friend so much, and that everything will be different for her, she said: “I will be happy in a relationship.”

Then, she again remembered the departure of her parents, and her then decision: "I get pain, therefore - love is pain." We re-resourced this situation, And it played out differently. The client saw a grandmother who told her: “Yes, let's go, well, where will they go - they will return soon.” And she calmly went home with her grandmother, no longer crying.

After that, she reviewed all her previous unsuccessful relationships, and made a generalized conclusion from them: “I chose the wrong men, my approach to them was wrong. I have to love my man and be loved.”

She gave away the dislike that lived in her, filling herself with the value of love.

This is how you can solve 2 parallel problems, as it turned out later, they still intersect, despite the laws of mathematics.

Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Moscow

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Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich

Psychologist Volgograd Was online: Today

This is where social norms come into play. In many fairy tales, Vasilisa necessarily has the prefix "Krasa". And in order to be the most important, the most successful hero of a fairy tale, a man does not need to be either handsome or smart. Ivanushka the Fool usually takes it with his spontaneity and ability to see the world differently than the educated or intelligent characters of the story see it.

In everyday life, everything is exactly the same. Fairy tales only reflect what is in reality. It is customary to think that a handsome man is a womanizer, that he is a scoundrel, incapable of lasting feelings. The appearance of a man, as they say, should be a little prettier than a monkey. And public opinion ascribes more virtues and positive qualities to beautiful women. The business of many glossy magazines that teach girls and women to be beautiful is based on this immutable law.

And yet, beautiful men for a girl can be more desirable and attractive. Beauty generally plays an important role in the early stages of a relationship. She is the trigger for the emergence of sympathy, which provokes a man and a woman to seek contact with each other.

Surely each of the men at least once wondered if the appearance of a man is important for a girl? There is no universal answer here and cannot be. Usually people consider beautiful those people who, firstly, are close to them in terms of ethnic and national status. And secondly, we consider beautiful those people who are similar to people from our immediate environment. Psychologists have proven that there are only two features of male appearance that are universal for different cultures as beauty criteria - this is height and muscle mass. All other features are strictly individual, or vary from country to country, from city to city.

However, objective canons of beauty exist in every society. No wonder there is an expression "recognized handsome." True, it is usually supplemented with the phrase "in the whole class" or "in the whole city." That is, a handsome man seems handsome at once to many representatives of the area where he lives. Moreover, such handsome men are very popular with the opposite sex. It is clear that in such a situation, the question of whether the appearance of men is important for girls becomes purely rhetorical.

And yet there is a big difference between recognizing a man as handsome, and wanting to have an affair with him herself. As it turned out, both men and women who choose handsome men as partners have a common character trait - they have consistently high self-esteem. The same guys or girls who are not confident in themselves, suffer from low self-esteem, other things being equal, they will choose someone who objectively does not seem beautiful to the majority.

For sympathy in a relationship to turn into a more serious feeling, beauty alone is not enough for either men or women. And women especially. Men can endure a beautiful but empty person next to them for longer. But women quickly break off relations with empty-headed handsome men.

After the first euphoria of the beginning of a relationship, there comes a period when appearance fades into the background. Common interests, common attitudes towards the perception of different life situations come to the fore. The general background of a person's mood becomes important at this stage. This is not yet the stage when you can show your partner longing, apathy or depression. A smile, friendliness and warmth of contact at the stage of transition from sympathy to mutual attractiveness become an important attribute of a successful relationship. At this stage, the appearance of a man still plays a role for a girl, although not a key one. So, from the very first days of the novel, you should not show yourself to each other in homemade and unkempt clothes, in a bad mood or drunk.

Some specialists in family relations distinguish four phases of love - sympathy, attractiveness or attraction, falling in love, love. By and large, the appearance of a man for a girl is important only in the first two stages. And then even big lovers of cute faces can feel a real surge of feelings for their boyfriend, even if he is not very handsome, because the first stages of looking after each other have already been passed.

Is there a special portrait of the personality of a girl who cares about the beauty of a man? It is difficult to clearly define such a portrait. As already mentioned, a girl should have a consistently high self-esteem. Another important trait may be the desire to appear to others more beautiful than she is. Many women have this desire. Psychologists know that even the ugliest girl next to a handsome man looks like a prom queen. People are at first a little surprised by his choice, and then they think that since he chose her, then she is worth it. So the choice of a handsome man as a partner is a great social capital for a woman. After all, then she herself seems to others much more attractive.

Here we will touch on one of the most burning topics - is our appearance important for a man at all?

Very often we pore over our face for a long time, draw, powder, paint and blush, but for some reason we don’t always get the result we expected.

Yes, and many of us can recall a couple of stories where a handsome guy was fond of an unattractive ugly girl, then married her and didn’t even look at the side.

Or, for example, you are in the company of men. You get your portion of attention, and then a far from pretty woman appears, and all the attention of men in a strange way switches to her.

And you stand and resent, well, what did they find in her ?!

Has it happened?

And here's another interesting fact. In one of the programs, several experiments were conducted with men.

In the first case, five men met one woman in turn. Each was given 10 minutes to charm her. At the end, they had to remember some details of her clothes, make-up, hair and other things.

Four out of five guessed almost nothing!

But if a man’s appearance is so important, then he would certainly remember at least some details.

And another experiment was carried out: the same girl changed various elements in clothes, hairstyle, makeup and went out to several men. The same, not communicating with each other, should have noticed the changes.

As a result - the same result as in the first case - the men practically did not notice anything.

But how is it? We try so hard, don't they care what we look like?

But what do they pay attention to then?

After all, it is not for nothing that there is a saying: "A man loves with his eyes."

So, after all the experiments, men were asked about what is important to them in our appearance? What do they fall for when they first meet?

Are you ready to hear the answer?

Men pay attention to the general image of a woman.

Surely some of you have guessed this?

When a man sees a woman, he immediately looks at her whole: how harmonious her clothes, makeup, hairstyle are.

That is, if you are wearing a grandmother's faded wide skirt, and on top of her great-grandmother's family jacket with the smell of mothballs, and unwashed hair on your head for several days, then it does not matter at all that you have a very beautiful classic young face and perfect makeup.

Or another option: you are dressed fashionably and elegantly, outwardly very attractive, but when you walk, you wave your arms, grunt nervously and stoop a lot. In this case, there is also little chance of liking a man.

But you can, for example, be dressed discreetly, tastefully, in inexpensive clothes, light natural make-up, beautifully styled hair, be fresh and natural. And men will stare at you, seeing you off and "stacking in stacks."

A harmonious, beautiful and natural image is what is required of a woman. And it doesn't matter at all if you forgot to do a manicure or forgot to put eye shadow on your eyelids.

They are such men.

But what is even more interesting is that all this is also not the most important thing for starting a serious relationship.

Of course, for the first impression, a beautiful and well-groomed image is simply necessary, but in the future you start playing by different rules.

Just imagine, an incredibly beautiful woman is walking: well-groomed healthy hair, perfect skin, huge luminous eyes, figuring amazing, dressed in the latest collections of famous designers.

Men turn their necks after her, ready to be the first to serve at her slightest desire, blush from her playful look.

In general, such a cute picture of an ideal woman.

And now, she finally chooses one of the lucky ones, who seems ready to die of happiness.

He flies after her on the wings of delight, they sit down at the table, the waiter brings expensive wine and then ...

They start to get to know each other better...

It turns out that the girl is very narrow-minded. Laughing for any reason and for no reason. He talks about things he doesn't understand at all. And to everything else, expresses a clear interest in his financial situation.

The man is surprised, discouraged. In his head there is a discrepancy between her unearthly beauty and complete emptiness in his head.

If this is not a cool oligarch who needs just such a thing in order to show his friends, partners and the media, then he will think.

Not right away…

First, he will try to get to know her better, to meet again. It will be difficult for him to believe that God has deprived this treasure of such an important component as the mind.

But as you understand, after a while, the man's rose-colored glasses fall off, he is surprised to find that the girl is not at all attractive, that she has a completely ordinary appearance and that he is unbearably bored with her.

When they part, everyone will be terribly surprised how he could leave such beauty. But in the life of this girl, such situations will be repeated over and over again, until she is taken into the hands of a person who only needs a picture.

And of course, there will be no talk of love, happiness, tenderness, mutual understanding.

And, accordingly, the opposite story: an unattractive and inconspicuous girl. Guys do not look after her, do not follow her eyes. And in general, they hardly notice her.

She meets a man as a friend, as a comrade-in-arms, perhaps doing a common job.

They meet and talk. Discuss interesting topics. The man calmly looks into her eyes and his heart is calm.

Gradually, he notices with surprise that the girl is very interesting, that she knows a lot, there is something to talk about with her, and most importantly, to laugh. She is original, she does not go into her pocket for a word, she has a sense of humor and also likes to watch football. Surprisingly, they even support the same team. They have so much in common.

And then the moment comes when the man notices that the girl is very sweet, she has beautiful kind eyes, a charming smile and the skin of her hands is so soft and velvety.

And now he already sees a beauty in her, his heart beats drums, taking him to the world of love experiences and dreams.

They get married, they are happy, and everyone around is surprised, well, how could such a handsome guy marry this "ugly woman". And the guy is surprised that someone might not like his sweetheart.

Feel the difference?

So what is the "dog rummaged" here?

Well, firstly, we are again talking about the harmony of the image. That is, it is necessary that the signals of your body and your consciousness coincide. Be beautiful both outside and inside.

Well, you must admit, an evening dress and a breathtaking hairstyle with obscenities and spitting under everyone's feet do not match!

And your spiritual beauty in dirty jeans and disheveled hair is also quite difficult to discern.

Well, and secondly, as you understand, your inner light illuminates everything around, refracting your shortcomings and shortcomings.

Beauty is an extremely relative concept. Someone loves thin ones, someone goes crazy from donuts. And there are those who have always loved the thin, but smitten with warmth and beauty, fell in love with a plump woman without memory.

Is our appearance so important to a man?

Yes and no.

Appearance without your spiritual qualities is completely uninteresting. Unless for short-term and quick meetings.

Golden spiritual qualities in an abandoned and littered body are also unlikely to inspire anyone, because first you need to turn your attention to the girl, become interested in her. And if it looks like last year's potatoes, then who will look for raisins in it? After all, you don’t want to “get to know” an untidy, slovenly man who smells terribly of dirty clothes and an unwashed body?

Although, there are chances and exceptions in the first and second cases.

So, to summarize all of the above:

1. Be neat. Don't dress too ostentatiously or too shabbily. Even in inexpensive and simple clothes, you can look elegant and beautiful. Too naked body will not leave room for the male imagination. Bright makeup can hint to a man that you are working somewhere on the expanses of Russian roads, earning your daily bread with your beautiful body.

2. Be natural. Be who you are: direct, sweet, with your fears and dreams, with your interests and plans for life. When you are relaxed and not pinched, then your energy circulates harmoniously, affecting the man favorably. He may not see the "raisin", but he will definitely feel it with his fibers of a subtle soul.

3. Be interesting. Show him your broad outlook. You must be interested together. Of course, it is good when there is something to be silent about with a person, but it is equally important to talk about something that will be interesting to both of you. Read more, watch, learn poetry, be interested in his dreams and plans.

4. Open your soul to him. Do not hide your blessed "spiritual distances" from his attentive eyes. Show how kind, sweet, funny, restless, extraordinary, elusive as the wind, gentle as a forget-me-not are you. Let him catch your subtle scent, let the aura of your heart touch the strings of his heart. And when your energy waves are intertwined into a single whole, then nothing can separate you. And appearance will go to the farthest plan, because from that moment on you will be irresistibly drawn to each other.

Ekaterina Meshcheryakova for the site

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