What teenage mistakes are you ashamed of. Raising a teenager: features of the age of girls and boys. If you have already made mistakes in education, it will be more difficult for you than at the beginning of the journey.
Raising a teenager is no easy task. If you have a child in adolescence and you are raising a teenager, then this article is dedicated to you.
Statistics say that 80% of teenagers will never tell their parents about the most intimate. For example, about first love or fear of death. Psychologists say that the point here is not the isolation of adolescents, but their parents, who themselves, without knowing it, fence themselves off from their children. Psychologists tell us how to make friends with your beloved teenager.
Parenting Mistake #1 or the Rule of Three K's
Listen to how you talk to your child. Often, in a conversation with a teenager, parents adhere to the rule of three "K" (that is, they criticize, command, stop the conversation). It is very difficult to communicate with such parents, especially in adolescence!
What means stop talk? Let's take an example: your son has problems with physical education. And he tells you that he doesn't want to go to her anymore. And you answer him: “I went to physical education and nothing terrible happened, and you will go!” This is called cupping, that is, a phrase that does not imply a continuation of the conversation. The child has nothing to answer to this, since you have finished the conversation.
Undoubtedly, it seems to you that against the background of your own adult problems, the child's problem does not exist at all, since in your opinion it is not a problem at all. But for a child, this is really a problem and he worries because of it! Perhaps the girl is embarrassed about her figure, and the boy sweats a lot and is afraid that someone will notice this during the exercises and be laughed at. Lots of options. But if you stop the conversation, you will never know the reason for this behavior of a teenager.
Criticism. This is what all teenagers hate, especially from their parents. In adolescence, it is very important to feel that your parents love and respect you as a person. If you constantly criticize your child, he will not believe in your love! It is a fact. And also a teenager will hold a grudge against you.
Team. What is there to say about teenagers! Even an adult does not like when someone commands him. And in adolescence, ignoring the opinion of the child can undermine his trust and respect for you. If you don't respect his opinion, why should he listen to yours? And at the same time, if you constantly command your child, he will not learn to make decisions on his own! Better to give good reasoned advice. If the child follows him - good. But if he chooses his own path - do not interfere with him, let him learn from his mistakes! And how do you know that his version is worse than yours? Adults make mistakes too.
As a result of constant command, it also happens: the child still makes his own decisions, but lies to his parents, dodges, hides the truth, because he knows that they do not approve of his choice. What kind of trust can we talk about?
Error correction
Many parents ask psychologists on the forums: “Do I really have to go on about my child? He won't put me down at all! Is it right?”
No, of course you don't have to agree on everything. Just learn to listen to your child, even if it seems to you that he is talking complete nonsense. Believe me, the child really appreciates when they listen to him, listen carefully and with understanding. It often happens that just after listening to the child to the end and nodding understandingly, there is no need to return to the problem, the child himself forgets about it. He just starts to feel understood and loved - and that's enough.
But you also need to be able to listen. To do this, learn empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening in order to understand the interlocutor to the core, imagine that he is you, and try to feel what he feels. People who have this quality have a lot of friends. And if you apply this to children - you will be your child's best friend! Isn't this happiness?
Many parents find it difficult to give up the role of educator of their child and try on the role of a friend. Try it and you won't regret it! Believe me, you will not lose respect, but increase it many times over.
Empathic listeners:
don't hesitate to give advice
do not evaluate the actions of the speaker
do not read morality
do not say what they would have done in his place
Let's return to the topic of physical education. Your child says he doesn't want to take physical education anymore. Instead of moralizing and examples from your sports life, just ask why he doesn't want to. And when the child begins to talk, listen carefully, to the end, without being distracted by extraneous matters. Advice should only be given if you are fully supportive of the child. If you do not agree with the position of the child, give up examples from your life. After you know the reason for this attitude to physical education lessons, hug the child and say: “I love you, we will solve all problems together. You can always count on me." After such a conversation, the problem will be solved very quickly.
Parental mistake number 2 or Parental resentment against a child
“How can he talk to me like that??? I’m everything for him, and he… I watered him, raised him, fed him, treated him, taught him…”
Such words can often be heard from the lips of parents. Many mothers believe that they spent their best years raising children, and raised selfish people. This is called adult resentment. It is generally pointless to take offense at a teenager for an adult smart person. Indeed, in adolescence, there are so many changes in the body of the child that he hardly gets used to all this.
For example, starting from the age of 11, a high subcortical activity is observed in the child's body, which leads to increased excitability, hyperactivity and mental instability. At this age, the child does not yet know how to control himself.
Fixing bugs
Learn to be reasonable when arguing with your teenager. If you show yourself as a balanced person and always keep yourself in control, the child, having passed adolescence, will definitely take an example from you. Do not think that you are allowed to scream as a parent. This is fundamentally wrong logic. Your job is to help your child learn to deal with their emotions.
Here is the action plan:
Step 1. Wait until the child expresses everything and calms down. Let him express his emotions to the maximum.
Step 2. When you see that your child has exhausted his emotions, calmly ask what exactly the child is not happy with, what ways of solving the problem he sees himself. Say that his version should suit both of you, that you are adults and should take into account each other's opinion.
Step 3: Listen to the child without interrupting. If his version does not suit you, explain why it does not suit you. Don't be too strict. Speak in a calm tone until you come to an option that suits both of you.
Only in this way and in no other way will you teach a teenager already in adulthood to be able to adequately defend their rights and argue.
If your child has said a lot of hurtful words to you, learn to let go of resentment. There are many ways to do this: beat a pillow, go in for sports, go to the pool, watch your favorite movie, talk to a friend, or go to a psychologist. And do not forget that your child, no matter how “prickly” on the outside he may be, he loves you. And you, the parents, will teach him to express his love over time!
To earn the trust of your child, you need to spend a lot of your mental strength. But know it's worth it. Once you develop a truly trusting relationship, you will go beyond parent-child. Your child will become your friend, and in a difficult situation he will turn to you, and if you have difficulties, he will be able to provide support!
The contradictory behavior and attitude of a teenager towards parents becomes a challenge for many. During this period of growing up, parents make both good and bad decisions regarding the upbringing of their child. And it is important to understand that mistakes will be necessary - this is normal, they are not fatal and will not ruin your relationship with your child. They just create new situations that you have to deal with together. How to properly raise a child
1. You insist on being honest.
What does it look like You notice that the child began to hide from you, he has secrets: he tells some things to his friends, but does not allow you to do this. You feel that you are moving away, losing control and closeness to the child - and you begin to insist that the teenager be more open, more trusting, consulting and discussing his affairs with you. You want to be the closest and most important person, a friend for your son or daughter.
At the same time, the situation and the whole life of a teenager have changed: in it, parents remain really important people, but at the same time there is a need to build close relationships with peers. It is important for a teenager to feel his independence, to rely on his own opinion.
Effects The more you put pressure on a teenager, insist on his frankness or persuade him to become your best friend, the more he begins to close from you and protect his personal space. He finds various ways to avoid frankness, keep his secrets and distance, sometimes deceiving. It starts to bother you even more - and from this the pressure only increases, which, in turn, leads to more severe opposition from the teenager. And so the circle closes.
Another possible variant of the development of events: in response to the closeness of a teenager, parents begin to behave symmetrically - they move away from resentment. A teenager, seeing the markedly cold attitude of his parents, feels unnecessary, unimportant to the family.
Our advice Create an atmosphere that will help the teenager make sure that his parents are there, ready to accept him when he is ready. Tell him that you do not insist on his openness, but that you are always there and will listen. But this is a two-way process: trust in parents requires great trust from parents as well.
2. You ignore the opinion of a teenager
What does it look like You often offer the child something, but as if you understand in advance what he wants: for example, soup, or a warm hat, or good advice. And when he refuses, just ignore his refusal. After all, you know better, and you are sure that if he tries the soup, he will definitely understand, change his mind and then say thanks again.
Effects The child behaves aggressively, may respond rudely. The parent is offended, there is a conflict. Or the child succumbs to persuasion and your perseverance and at some point loses the ability to make decisions on his own, expecting others to do it for him.
Our advice Support the initiative and independence of a teenager, pay attention to his desires, but do not try to predict them. Sometimes parents should step back and trust the opinion of a teenager: if he says that he does not want, then most likely he does not want to. It is important to give the child the opportunity to have his own experience: even if he refuses something obviously good or useful, let him discover it himself!
3. You violate personal space
What does it look like Out of a desire to protect the child from possible dangers, parents can begin to check his pockets, bag, correspondence. It may seem that this is the only available way to find out something about your child, especially in some exciting or risky situation.
Effects In doing so, you devalue the personal space of a teenager, and yet he is just beginning to try to deal with him. This greatly undermines his confidence in both his parents and himself.
Our advice Imagine the reverse situation: a teenager will secretly or openly invade the personal space or secrets of their parents. Of course it's annoying! Control, of course, is necessary, this is an important function of the parent, and the child will adopt those relationships that are accepted in the family.
It is good when such control becomes the result of an open and honest agreement between parents and the child.
4. You are not always consistent.
What does it look like It happens that, trying to achieve what they want (for the child to clean up or study harder), parents resort to unrealistic promises or threats. For example, you promise to pick up a teenager from the camp on demand if he does not like it there, or threaten to send him to a boarding school if you find that he has started smoking.
Effects Teenagers are very categorical about any promises, pleasant or not, and count on their fulfillment. In the case when they meet with broken promises, they gradually simply stop believing them. And then the parents become for the teenager people who say empty words that you should not listen to, trust disappears from the relationship, which makes it difficult to conclude any agreements with the teenager in the future.
Our advice It is important to refrain from clearly impracticable threats like "I'll kick you out of the house." This is not easy: usually we say such things, experiencing great anger and impotence. Unrealistic promises are usually made when it is important to get immediate consent from the child without regard to the possible development of an event in the future. Think carefully about your promises to your teen and be prepared to keep them.
5. You are unpredictable in acts of kindness and anger.
What does it look like Sometimes our feelings show up late. We can endure unpleasant or annoying behavior of a loved one for a long time out of a desire to be gentler with him. The irritation accumulated in this way can later manifest itself through a sharp and unexpected action for a teenager: tough words, strong punishment.
A similar story arises with the accumulation of feelings of guilt or embarrassment in front of your child. We all do things in one way or another that we later regret. Parents, on the other hand, are usually most sorry when they hurt or hurt their child. For example, staying at work for a long time or depriving a teenager of their attention for some other objective reason, parents accumulate an unexpressed feeling of guilt, which then necessarily finds a way out - in the form of gifts, indulgences, cancellation of punishments or cancellation of duties.
Effects Parents begin to seem unreliable and unpredictable to the child. As a result, the child develops a fear of unrealistic punishment, when minor mistakes are suddenly followed by harsh consequences or, conversely, a feeling of permissiveness.
Our advice The courage to admit one's guilt, the ability to sincerely ask for forgiveness are important - children learn this, first of all, in the family, from their parents. And such skills will be very useful in life!
6. Your requirements are vague
What does it look like Parents usually want the best for their children: that they study better, communicate better. Often this desire is dressed up in not too clear formulations like “behave yourself,” “study better,” “make real friends,” “be a good person.” It is important to understand that although adolescents can understand such a requirement at the level of common sense, it is very difficult for them to meet such requirements at the level of their implementation, since the criteria are rather vague.
Effects It becomes unclear to a teenager what they want from him, what he should strive for. This leads to a divergence of opinion between adolescents and parents: the former believe that they already meet the requirements in full, and the latter believe that there is always something to strive for. Conflicts on this ground can be long-term.
Our advice In order to conclude agreements with the child, it is important for parents to have a very precise, detailed idea of what they want, and learn how to speak about it just as precisely and in detail. For example, "behave yourself" can mean "clean your room this week", "don't bring your friends home unannounced", or "don't start smoking until you're eighteen". And "study better" - "finish this quarter with straight A", "try to finish this quarter without two" or "correct your math grade this week."
7. You hope for understanding and expect empathy
What does it look like You believe that a teenager “should understand everything himself,” so you don’t make rules. Yes, teenagers really understand many things well - but in their own way. Complexity arises at the moment when a divergence of points of view is revealed. A teenager's ideas can be very different from parental ones, because they depend on his unique personal experience, age tasks and the social situation in which he is.
It is often also assumed that a teenager should empathize and sympathize with parents who encountered difficulties in raising him. But teenagers are usually not able to provide this kind of support, at this age they are not yet able to do this - and they do not need to. Sometimes, through a request for empathy, parents try to achieve what they want: for the child to study better, so as not to upset the parents.
Effects As a result, there is a lot of irritation towards each other, relationships become tense. Often a teenager is more outraged not by the expectations you have expressed, but by their form, the idea of obligation. And the child, who is entrusted with the difficult task of “understanding” the parent, begins to feel guilty and powerless, becomes closed, detached.
Our advice This complexity can be overcome through dialogue and clear agreements. Parents can rely a little less on unconditional understanding from the child and rely a little more on the honesty and openness of their desires in a relationship. It makes sense to speak out loud and discuss all thoughts, ideas, wishes to make sure that both the teenager and the parent understand them in the same way. For emotional support, it is better to turn to adults. Also, to get what you want from your child, be clear about the harm or consequences that have occurred as a result of the unwanted behavior. Instead of, “Your dirty shoes piss me off,” say, “There’s a puddle on your shoes, wipe it off.”
8. You invalidate a teenager's feelings.
What does it look like The child talks about something important to him, about his experiences, possibly related to relationships. Parents do not attach any importance to this and say that this problem is not worth attention, or dismiss the conversation, citing fatigue. You may also ignore your child's fears or concerns, or you may reject or ridicule them when they need support. Sometimes it happens that parents reduce the importance of a teenager's feelings, based on the desire to support him: you can consider teenage love to be frivolous and fleeting, but for a teenager this feeling is real and very strong.
Effects The child feels rejected and withdraws, closes even more. Or begins to protest against the parent and behave aggressively.
Our advice Teenagers are prone to dramatize everything, and sometimes parents need to reduce the intensity of passions. But it is important to do this with respect for the feelings that he is experiencing. Try to take experiences seriously, tell the child that he is understood and accepted, that his feelings are important, that you can look at this situation from the other side. This should be done delicately and unobtrusively. This increases trust and openness between you.
9. You live the life of a child
What does it look like Of course, the child always occupies the main place in the life of parents, but it happens that the life of mom and dad becomes completely focused on him, his problems, needs.
Effects The parent becomes so immersed in solving the child's problems that their own life begins to fade. The child, observing such a neglectful attitude of parents towards themselves, gradually loses his own interest in them. Such a situation is also dangerous due to gradual exhaustion: spending all the energy, without support and support from the outside, parents may find themselves without the strength that is necessary to build relationships with the child.
Our advice Be attentive to your own life. Connect with friends, find hobbies and other resources to rejuvenate and enjoy life. At the same time, the parent only becomes more attractive to the teenager: he begins to be a living person, with whom he wants to talk and be close.
10. You say: “We weren’t like that”
What does it look like It is difficult for you to accept the teenage crisis that has begun. Children demonstrate protest behavior, aggression, a desire to move away, and you cannot adapt to new circumstances, believe that this is normal and that something similar happened to you once too.
Effects It is difficult for you to accept your child, because you sincerely believe that he should develop in the same way as you developed, react to events in the same way.
Our advice It is important to be able to step back from your experience. The world has changed a lot, and the course of the teenage crisis has changed too. Try to learn to perceive your child as a separate, independent person.
Adolescence is one of the most interesting and difficult in the development of personality. It is difficult both for the teenager himself and for his parents. Perhaps even more so for parents, since they have to not only accept the child's metamorphoses, but also help him overcome their negative influence, as well as rebuild the nature of relationships with the outside world.
The problem with parents is that they have forgotten that they too were once at that age and may have experienced similar problems and that they do not try to understand their grown-up child.
Transitional age
Adolescence is divided into three stages:
Early adolescence: 10-11 to 14 years of age
Medium: 14 to 16-17 years old
Late: 16-17 years old to adulthood
Transitional age is the time of puberty with the final formation of secondary sexual characteristics. For different teenagers, this period may begin at different times. In girls, puberty usually occurs a little earlier than in boys. Basically, the transitional age begins at 11-12-13 years. At this time, many girls begin menstruation, and boys ejaculate. The child has a sharp change of mood, irritability, anxiety, stubbornness, he wants to spend more time among his peers, there may be difficulties in learning, etc. Parents should definitely take into account these natural physical and psychological changes. Various conflict situations may occur much more often than before, and your child may experience them more strongly than before. If parents begin to contribute to the emergence of a conflict, often reproach the child, show their displeasure, this will only aggravate the situation.
It is noted that the transitional age is more difficult in the only children in the family. This age period is difficult for both parents and children, but no one can say for sure how difficult it will be for you specifically. If you do not show due patience, the child may develop a neurosis. As a rule, by the age of 15 the situation is getting better.
The difficult task of raising teenagers is to love and appreciate them, even as prickly as they are now.
Raising teenagers is perhaps the most difficult task that parents have to solve. Features of adolescence: a growing desire for independence, a sense of adulthood, a desire for independence and self-expression, the advantage of the authority of peers over the authority of adults - make adolescents literally rebel against everything. Naturally, it is not easy for parents who until recently were the main ones in the lives of their children to accept such changes.
Difficulties in raising a teenager
From 11 to 18 years old, fly become boys and girls. In the physical and mental state of a teenager, changes occur that require great patience and understanding of others and loved ones.
A teenager is characterized by a critical perception of reality.
New idols appear in his life.
Teenagers often change their mood.
Financial requirements are rising.
Appears his own opinion in the assessment of the partner and in matters of choosing a profession.
In extreme cases, drug addiction, anorexia, or a tendency to criminal activity may occur.
Do all teenagers have problems in raising?
What difficulties a teenager will have during puberty depends on many factors: character, temperament, relationship with parents, etc. If since childhood the relationship between the child and parents has been close and trusting, then it is easier for parents to maintain them even in a difficult adolescence. The more democratic the relationship of parents with their child, the more likely it is that he will not reject them and move away. Parents who try from childhood to instill in their child that they are perfect and worthy of imitation will most likely be ruthlessly overthrown from the pedestal they created themselves. The teenager begins to openly conflict with his mother or father, to discuss the style of their upbringing, often not avoiding harsh criticism. He has a sense of his own strength and significance.
How to solve problems of adolescence?
Parents need to be patient, loving and convince the teenager that he can always count on their help and support. You should not be offended by your child if he begins to trust a stranger more, tries to imitate him and follow his example. The fact is that the connection of a child with his father and mother from an emotional point of view is always much more complicated than relationships with other people. Of course, puberty is a temporary phenomenon, but this should be taken seriously and try to understand your child. Otherwise, the teenager will feel lonely and useless. The consequences of such experiences can lead to teen suicide. Therefore, if a child threatens suicide, in no case should one ignore such conversations, let alone laugh. You need to watch him carefully. Perhaps he is really disappointed in life and feels very unhappy. Since parents usually believe that their methods of raising a teenager are correct, the unexpected criticism of the child unsettles them. They think that their child is ungrateful and wrong. And yet, it is necessary to try to accept criticism in any form, without interrupting the conversation with an emotionally minded teenager. It is very important to be patient and try to calmly express your opinion, then the children may be able to understand their parents, their position and even agree with it.
Parents should not impose their opinions on children. Young people must make decisions and make their own choices, parents can only help them.
During puberty, a teenager may have serious problems, such as communication difficulties, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, etc. If parents feel that their children are in real danger and no amount of talking will help, they should contact an adolescent psychiatrist, psychologist or school psychologist.
Features of the development of adolescents
In the process of raising a teenager, many moments can alert parents - parents begin to worry. But there is no need to be afraid of ordinary things that are the normal development of a teenager (both physiological and mental):
Physiological development of a teenager
Puberty: in girls - the onset of menstruation, in boys - wet dreams.
Rapid growth and noticeable external changes: girls have female body shapes, boys have beard growth, voice mutation.
Mental development of a teenager
A state of anxiety and a thirst for new experiences.
Awareness of one's own importance and desire for self-affirmation.
Search for role models.
The emergence of new friends, a critical attitude towards adults.
Frequent mood swings.
Excessive sensitivity.
Dreaminess.
Desire to have a relationship with the opposite sex.
Excessive independence in decision-making.
How to raise a teenager
During adolescence, children progress a lot. There will certainly be many crises to go through, but eventually your child will become an independent, responsible, outgoing young adult.
So, we recommend that you remember the motto of many parents of teenagers: We get through this together, and we get out of this - together! This principle can be deciphered. Actually, this article is like a map by which you can navigate while raising a teenager.
Self-training
Don't let it go. Parents who know what to expect are much better at it. And the more you know, the easier it will be for you.
Here's what can really help:
Explore online resources and books about teenagers.
Think back to your own adolescence. Remember how you struggled with acne, communicated with peers, perceived your puberty.
Expect changes in your child's mood. Be prepared for possible conflicts, because the child is trying to become an adult.
Preparing your child
It is better to start talking about upcoming changes in advance. Say, talking about menstruation after it has already begun is not very relevant. Children are concerned about the differences between boys and girls, where they come from, and so on. Do not overload them with unnecessary information - only answer questions.
Well, what can I say - you know your child. When you notice that your child begins to joke about gender or when attention to secondary sexual characteristics increases. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions, such as:
Do you notice any changes in your body?
Do you have any strange feelings?
Does it sometimes seem like causeless sadness?
An annual visit to the doctor is also a good time to raise these questions. The doctor can tell your pre-teen child - and you - what to expect in the next few years. A visit to the doctor can serve as a starting point for a good discussion about maturation.
Keep in mind that the longer you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will form misconceptions or become embarrassed or frightened by physical and emotional changes.
Also, the earlier you open lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open throughout adolescence. Give the child your children's books on puberty written for kids going through this. Share memories of your own youth. There is nothing better than knowing that Mom or Dad has been through this.
Try to help the child, but do it naturally.
How to talk to teenagers?
Of course, it is not easy to communicate with teenagers. But stepping back and just trying to communicate less, for fear of rudeness and distrust, is much worse. Talking is one of the methods when the process of education can take place unobtrusively, but effectively.
First of all, remember that in a conversation you should not touch (from a critical side) on the appearance of the child: hair dyed for the tenth time, torn jeans and other things that children of this age are extremely painful. This is their style, a means of self-expression, and nothing can be done about it yet. There are more important and interesting topics for conversations.
Do you want to talk? Cunning. Start a casual conversation, on the road, in the car while preparing dinner. This way you avoid the natural wariness that serious phrases like: “We need to have a serious talk” cause. Do not pressure the teenager, speak softly and kindly. If you really care about maintaining trust, don't lecture. It’s better to try together to discuss a topic that worries you in the future tense: “What if ...?” Education is not the issuance of ready-made options for behavior and response. Invite the child to think and find options for action in certain situations on their own, tell something from your personal experience.
Respect each other. But be firm on the points that you consider important, which relate to the health and safety of the child. Never try to prove something to a teenager if you see that he is angry, tired, or simply not ready to calmly discuss the problem. Give him a chance to cool down and come to his senses. Do not switch to raised tones yourself. Demanding respect for yourself is fair if you yourself treat your teenager with respect and warmth.
What else should parents remember?
What matters is the amount of effort and time that parents spend on education. Extremes, as in any case, are unnecessary here. Situations when a child becomes the only meaning of life, or vice versa, are taken for his upbringing in case of serious problems, as a rule, do not contribute to the formation of a responsible harmonious personality.
Parents on whose shoulders the upbringing of adolescents lies, it is important to be adequate, flexible and able to accept and predict the development of events.
They must see and understand the peculiarities of adolescence in their child, feel the changes taking place in his soul.
At the same time, the upbringing of adolescents should be adjusted to his individual maturation, adapt to changes in the family and its environment. Parents must accept the existence of other points of view, perhaps different from their own.
And it is important to remember that labeling any children as “hooligan”, “bandit”, “lazy” does not have the expected beneficial effect, but has a completely opposite effect. Hooligan? Well, I'll be a bully!.. And gradually the child loses confidence in his own ability to correct and begins to confirm all the words said about him.
At first glance, it may seem that all the features of adolescence contribute to the estrangement of the child from the family, but this is only at first glance. Adolescents have a very strong need for emotional contact and trusting close communication with their parents. The emotional background of the family is very important. The atmosphere of love and mutual respect will help to survive many difficulties and depression. Do not hide your feelings, often tell your recently very young children, and now teenagers, how you love and appreciate them, even as prickly as they are. And they will definitely reciprocate.
Teen parenting
The age of 14 to 16 is considered to be the most difficult period in raising children, as this is the period of puberty, when hormonal, psychological, and social problems come together. Adolescence is a difficult period not only for parents, but also for teenagers themselves. The task of parents is to make it as easy as possible for the child to go through such a difficult, but necessary stage of growing up.
This must be done tactfully, respectfully, it is in adolescence that children begin to take drugs, leave home, join extremist groups, and fall into sects. Behind each such “outburst” is a child who was not understood at home among the closest people.
The first thing that parents need to pay attention to and take into account when dealing with teenagers is that hormonal changes produce most of the teenage problems. Rapid growth, changes in the body, almost obligatory dystonia lead to mood swings, fever, irritability, causeless tears, lethargy, increased appetite. These manifestations will go away by themselves, as soon as active growth ends, by the age of 18-19.
The second is psychological change. The child constantly rejects everything that parents offer him, and actively accepts everything that friends and musical idols offer him. Moreover, this applies to everything: from the choice of clothing style and musical preferences to the nature of food, slang, gait and life aspirations. Parents should take into account that if a teenager wants to go to the cinema or bowling, but his parents offered him such leisure, the teenager will refuse. Even if he really wants to, he dreamed of watching a movie, and then he would worry, cry, but he wouldn’t go.
This is necessary for the teenager himself: in order to become an adult, he must completely break away from his parents, so everything parental is taken with hostility. If you need to conduct an educational and moralizing conversation, then it is better to turn to your friends who have a child a little older (20-22 years old). Those few phrases that he will throw at the table at a party with a casual smile will be remembered by your teenager better than hours of boring parental lectures.
In the period of 14-16 years, teenagers try to protect their personal and inner life from outside interference as much as possible. Ideally, if the child has his own room, which you can decorate according to your taste and retire with a friend, and just lie down and listen to music. You can only enter a teenager's room after knocking, especially for mom in her son's room, and for dad in her daughter's room.
Never come with cleaning - let the teenager clean up in his "lair" himself: dust, vacuum, take things apart in the closet, etc. If the child is sure that in his absence no one touches things, does not shift, does not leaf through the diaries, both personal and educational, he will feel calmer at home, trust between parents and the child will increase.
If it is not possible to give a teenager a separate room, then you can buy him a small box or chest that will be locked with a key. It will be possible to store a personal diary, photographs, etc. in this chest.
At times, it seems to parents that adolescence will never end, in fact, it flies by as quickly as the entire childhood of a child.
A few years will pass and parents will see that their teenager has turned from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan, which, spreading its wings, will leave its nest.
Good luck, dear dads and moms!
As you know, adolescence is one of the most difficult periods for both the child and his parents. For some children, the problems associated with this crisis age begin earlier, for others later, but all are forced to pass this test.
During adolescence, one should be especially attentive to the maturing person and to the choice of methods for his upbringing.
Today we will introduce you to the advice that Professor Valentina Zaitseva gives to parents of teenagers. And many of these tips apply to children of preschool or primary school age, while it is still not too late to raise a child, laying a strong foundation for a healthy relationship between parents and children.
Here, 10 Tips for parents of teenagers:
1. During adolescence, children begin to evaluate the life of their parents.
Teenagers, especially girls, discuss the behavior, actions, appearance of mothers and fathers, teachers, acquaintances, and constantly compare. At some point, the result of this comparison will affect your relationship with your son or daughter. It can be both pleasant and unpleasant for you. So, if you don't want to lose face, start preparing for this assessment as early as possible.
2. The main thing in your relationship with your child is mutual understanding.
To install it, you must be proactive and not hold grudges. One should not both follow the momentary desires of the child, and always oppose them. But if you cannot or do not consider it necessary to fulfill the desire of your son or daughter, you need to explain why.
And in general, talk more with your children, talk about your work, discuss with them their affairs, toys or educational, know their interests and concerns, friends and teachers. Children should feel that you love them, that in any situation they can count on your advice and help, and not be afraid of ridicule or neglect.
Support children's confidence in themselves, in their abilities, that even with certain shortcomings (which everyone has), they have their own undeniable advantages. The strategy of parents is to form a position of confidence in the child: “Everything depends on me, in me is the cause of failure or success. I can achieve a lot and change everything if I change myself.”
In the educational process, confrontation, the struggle of the educator with the pupil, the opposition of forces and positions is unacceptable. Only cooperation, patience and interested participation of the educator in the fate of the pupil give positive results.
3. Surprise - will be remembered!
The one who makes an unexpected and strong impression becomes interesting and authoritative.
What attracts a child in an adult? Strength, but not violence. Knowledge - remember, for example, the eternal "why?" at babies. To what proportion of them did you manage to answer clearly and completely? Mind - it is in adolescence that it becomes possible to appreciate it.
Skills are also attractive - dad knows how to ski, fix a TV, drive a car, and mom draws, cooks delicious pies, tells fairy tales ... Appearance - girls appreciate it more.
The life of parents, their habits, views have a much greater influence on the child than long moralizing conversations. Your income is also important for teenagers. If you're competitive in this area, think ahead about what you can put on the other side of the scale when your older child confronts you with this problem.
4. Do you want your child to be strong and healthy?
Then learn for yourself and teach him the basics of knowledge about your body, about ways to maintain and improve health.
This does not mean at all that you have to master the doctor's arsenal and the prescription of various medicines. Medicines are only an "ambulance" in cases where the body cannot cope on its own. Even Tissot argued: "Movement as such can replace all medicines in its action, but all the medical remedies of the world are not able to replace the action of movement."
The main thing is to teach the body to cope with loads, especially physical ones, because they train not only muscles, but also all vital systems. This is a considerable and regular work, but for that a “feeling of muscular joy” is given to a person, as the great doctor and teacher P.F. called this feeling almost a hundred years ago. Lesgaft. Of course, physical and any other loads should correspond to the age capabilities of the child.
By the way, only physical exercises, including in physical education classes, can mitigate the harm from many hours of sitting at a desk. So do not rush to release the child from physical education. This will not bring him even temporary relief in a stressful school life. Even if he has a chronic disease (and even more so!), he needs to do physical education, only according to a special program.
And it is absolutely necessary that the child understands that there is no happiness without health.
5. How much time per week do you spend with your children?
According to sociological surveys, most adults on average devote no more than 1.5 hours a week to children! How to accommodate heart-to-heart conversations, trips to the theater and nature, reading books and other common activities in this short period?
Of course, this is not the fault, but the misfortune of most parents who are forced to spend all day at work in order to fill the family budget. But children should not be left to their own devices. It is good if there are grandparents who are able to take on some of the problems of upbringing. And if they are not?
Be sure to think about what your child will do during the hours free from studying and preparing lessons. Sports sections (do not forget to talk to the coach yourself) will not only take time, but will help improve your health and develop motor skills and abilities. In the house of children's creativity, you can learn how to sew, build airplanes, write poetry. Let the child have the freedom to choose an activity, but he must know for sure: he has no time for idleness and boredom.
6. Take care of the health of the child and your own, learn to play sports together with him, go on vacation, go hiking
What delight a child experiences from an ordinary sausage fried on a fire, from a crumbled piece of black bread, which was found in a bag after returning from the forest, where you picked mushrooms together.
And a day spent in the garage with his father repairing a car will seem to the boy a holiday more important than riding in the park on the “coolest” attraction. Just do not miss the moment while the child is interested.
The same applies to the habits of household chores. The little one is interested in washing the dishes himself, peeling potatoes, baking a pie with his mother. And this is also an opportunity to talk, tell, listen. They missed this moment - they "saved" the child so that they would not get their hands dirty, that's all - the assistant was lost forever.
7. The desire of adults to avoid talking with children on certain topics teaches them to think that these topics are taboo.
Evasive or distorted information causes unreasonable anxiety in children. And at the same time, it is not necessary to give children the information that they do not ask about, that they cannot emotionally cope with yet, that they are not ready to comprehend.
The best option is to give simple and direct answers to the children's questions. So parents themselves need to develop comprehensively - not only in the field of their specialty, but also in the field of politics, art, general culture, in order to be an example of morality for children, a bearer of human dignity and values.
8. Don't Protect Teenagers Unnecessarily From Family Problems
Both psychological (even if there was a misfortune, someone's illness or death, this hardens the soul and makes it more sensitive), and material (this teaches you to find a way out).
A teenager needs positive and negative emotions. For the successful development of a child, it is useful to occasionally deny him something, limit his desires, thereby preparing him to overcome similar situations in the future. It is the ability to cope with troubles that helps a teenager to form as a person.
The role of an adult is primarily to help the child become an adult, that is, to teach him to confront reality, and not run away from it. Fencing off the child from the real world, even with the best of intentions, parents deprive him of the opportunity to gain life experience, to find his own way.
Never lie to a child, even if it is dictated by the best beliefs and concern for his peace and well-being. Children in some unknown way sense lies in any form. And for those who have deceived once or twice, trust is no longer necessary.
9. If you have already made mistakes in education, it will be more difficult for you than at the beginning of the journey.
But if you reveal at least a drop of good in your pupil and then rely on this good in the process of education, then you will receive the key to his soul and achieve good results.
Such simple and capacious advice to educators can be found in old pedagogical manuals. Wise educators persistently seek even in a poorly educated person those positive qualities, relying on which one can achieve sustainable success in shaping all others.
10. If you realized that you were wrong, neglected the opinion of your son or daughter in any important matters for them, do not be afraid to admit it first to yourself, and then to the child
And try not to repeat that mistake again. Trust is easy to lose and hard to rebuild.
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The upbringing of teenagers.
Helping parents of a teenager is the main task of this article. We are sure, that by reading it in its entirety, you will be able to better understand how to make parenting a teenager more effective, prevent or smooth out conflicts. Learn the psychological foundations of raising teenagers.
In it you will find information about the psychology of a teenager, specific recommendations for raising a teenager, which will help to avoid typical mistakes of parents in raising teenagers, maintain harmonious relationships in the family, and help a teenager and adults successfully cope with the difficulties of adolescence. Often conflicts between adolescents and parents occur due to the elementary ignorance of the latter of the psychological characteristics of the adolescent period of development.
We hope that this article will help parents and other adults successfully overcome all the difficulties in raising a teenager.
Article structure.
- Advice for parents of teenagers.
Hundreds of books and thousands of articles have been written about how to raise a teenager, but often they are based on the author's personal experience and worldview.
In this article, we rely solely on information confirmed by numerous domestic and foreign studies, the results of which are published in the scientific literature.
Parents and educators often single out separate topics in the upbringing of adolescents: moral education, sexual education, physical education, spiritual education, and so on. But any direction of educating teenagers is only effective when it is conscious and based on the age characteristics of the adolescent period of human development.
We will talk about the age of 11-18 years. Although the boundaries of adolescence are rather arbitrary, for some it may begin a little later, for others a little earlier. There is no division into teenage boys and teenage girls in the article. Everything said in it applies to adolescents, regardless of their gender. Of course, some typical teenage reactions appear in teenage girls more often in a more hidden form than in teenage boys, and some, on the contrary, are more pronounced in girls than in boys.
Everyone knows that the period from birth to three years is very important in the development of the child. The experience gained at this time largely determines the further development of a person and affects the whole life.
But much less is known that adolescence has an equally important impact. This is due to the fact that in adolescence there is a second period of increased brain plasticity, those. the ability of the brain to change under the influence of the external environment.
Increased brain plasticity during adolescence makes it possible for positive results in the upbringing of a teenager, but at the same time it is a risk zone, because. the consequences of adverse external influences can be strong and persist for life
.Adolescence -this is the period when a person acquires a set of skills and abilities necessary for him to continue his independent life .
At this time, the ability to realize the needs of other people, their motivation and intentions is formed; ability to plan and achieve goals; predict the consequences of their actions; control over their own behavior and emotions.
Knowing and taking into account the psychological characteristics of adolescents will help parents avoid mistakes in raising their adolescent children.
What you need to know and consider in the education of adolescents.
- In adolescence, there is a need to separate from adults, to feel independent and independent. It is this need that often underlies teenage negativism, the desire to emphasize one's individuality, and resistance to adults.
- Teenagers need recognition from their peers. For most teenagers, the opinion of friends may be more significant than the opinion of adults, including parents. Often this leads to unreasonable acts in the company of peers. On the other hand, peer rejection leads to adolescent emotional problems, feelings of loneliness and communication problems that can last a lifetime.
- All people are not indifferent to the attention of others, their opinion and attitude. But in adolescence, this manifests itself to a much greater extent than in adults. Adolescents become more sensitive to the opinions and assessments of others (especially peers), they often exaggerate the attention of others to themselves, especially acutely experience the feeling of rejection by peers, loneliness.
- In adolescence, positive emotions seem stronger and brighter than at other ages, while self-control is still not sufficiently developed. Self-regulation of adolescents has not yet formed. Adolescents are characterized by the desire to receive rewards "here and now", but they less tend to avoid situations in which they can lose something or fail. The desire to receive immediate reward often takes precedence over common sense, because. they are less able to control their impulsive behavior, especially in the company of peers. Very often, teenagers commit any undesirable acts not because of ignorance, but under the influence of momentary emotions.
- Under normal circumstances, adolescents are often capable of the same level of self-control as adults. But anxiety, fatigue or stress affect his ability to self-control to a much greater extent than in adults. (This is due to the underdevelopment of the prefrontal cortex of the brain, responsible for self-regulation). In an emotionally unstable state or under external influence, the quality of his decisions deteriorates.
- Due to the increased excitability of the limbic system of the brain, adolescents show greater emotionality, experience emotions more acutely than adults, and also seek brighter and more intense experiences - psychologists call this "the desire for sensory experience."
- In the case of negative emotions, adolescents have reduced activity in the areas of the brain responsible for controlling emotions and understanding what they are told. Self-regulation of adolescents with negative emotions decreases much more than in adults.
- Excessive control, attempts to regulate everything. Treated like a small child. Do not take into account the desires and opinions of a teenager.
Thus, parents either push the teenager to rebellion, to a pronounced reaction of emancipation, or suppress his independence.
- They try to influence only in an authoritarian way, they use only prohibitions and punishments. They believe that the main thing a child should learn is obedience, obedience and respect for authority.
Rigid authoritarian parenting often pushes a child to lie out of fear of punishment. Studies show that an authoritarian parenting style does not contribute to healthy development, often leads to less independence and perseverance in later life, and uncertainty in non-standard situations.
- Let everything go by itselfyield to all the whims of the child, do not control anything, avoid conflicts.
This can lead to low achievement motivation, greater exposure to peer influence, and behavioral disturbances. It inhibits the development of self-regulation of a teenager.
- Scolding for something, they evaluate not the act itself and its consequences, but the personality of a teenager.
In this case, parents provoke a protest reaction or a feeling of helplessness and rejection in a teenager.
- Underestimate the influence of peers. Doesn't matter if he has no friends
If a teenager has no friends, then this is a cause for concern. Also, because of exposure to the influence of peers, his environment is very important. Sometimes it is even necessary to change schools or classes if a teenager is isolated or in inappropriate peer company (but this should be done in extreme cases). - They underestimate external circumstances when they demand conscious behavior and self-control from a teenager.
A teenager often simply cannot control himself, resist any circumstances. Recall that adolescent self-regulation is not yet sufficiently developed.
- They try to influence the teenager “on emotions”, in a stressful situation.
In a stressful situation, the teenager's brain is simply less capable of analytical work. A teenager simply may not “get it” what angry adults say to him.
- Unreasonably encourage a teenager even for minor successes, thereby accustoming to getting "pleasure" without much effort.
- They do not take into account the individual characteristics of a teenager and modern living conditions. They act according to the principles: "What is good for me is good for him." “What I like, then he should like it,” etc.
All people are different. In many ways, the personality characteristics of a person are due to the properties of his nervous system, depending on the genotype and formation in the prenatal period. How to take into account individual characteristics in raising a teenager - a little lower in this article.
The main thing that parents can help their child in successfully overcoming all the difficulties of adolescence is the creation of a supportive and psychologically safe atmosphere in the family.
Basic principles of raising a teenager:
Manifestations of love.
Justice.
Providing support.
The main means of raising a teenager:
Communication, conversation.
Control.
Joint events.
Personal example.
The plasticity of the nervous system, that is, the degree of human susceptibility to environmental influences, is genetically predetermined. In other words, someone is more susceptible to external influences, someone less. But the external environment can have both a positive and a negative impact on the development of a teenager, depending on its content. And although the genetic code determines the strength of the influence of the environment on the development of a teenager, whether this influence will be positive or negative depends on environmental conditions..
And the family is an important factor influencing the development of a teenager.
If a person grows up in a favorable environment, then this makes him psychologically more stable, and if his living conditions are unfavorable, then vice versa. It is the manifestations of love and unconditional acceptance that create a favorable and psychologically safe “habitat” for a person, especially for a teenager.
Manifestations of love do not contradict firmness insetting limits and requirements for a teenager.Moreover, adolescents themselves need external control, setting boundaries for acceptable behavior and rules. But if a teenager does not feel that his parents love him, then most likely he will perceive exactingness as harshness, injustice, or too severe a punishment.
Teenagers often feel lonely in the family.
Recommendation 1. Show your love, do not skimp on affection and praise. Even when scolding a teenager, never evaluate his personality, talk only about a specific act and its consequences. Do not make your love for him dependent on his success, compliance with the rules and some actions.
Recommendation 2Help develop self-confidence, give the opportunity to take independent actions and make decisions. Support his need for independence.
Recommendation 3Get involved in your teen's life. But without obsession and excessive control, do not try to "get into the soul" for any reason. Just talk, be interested in his life without moralizing and "educational" speeches. Help with planning, setting goals and how to achieve them.
Recommendation 4If you set any restrictions, then justify them, clearly formulate the rules of behavior and demand their implementation. If the rules and restrictions are justified, taking into account the capabilities of a teenager, then they will not be perceived by him as something negative. (Which does not mean at all that he will always comply with them). It is better to motivate a teenager with a potential reward than with the threat of punishment or deprivation.
Recommendation 5Don't resort to harsh punishments. Physical punishment or punishment that humiliates a teenager is not effective. Punishment should be strictly for a specific act, justified, specific and limited in time. It is better to do without punishment altogether, replacing them with an expression of disapproval and an explanation of why it is bad and what consequences ( including for you personally) it resulted.
Recommendation 7 Feel free to tell your teenager about your emotions and feelings that are caused by his actions. Adolescents may not understand what their parents really feel and why and misinterpret their actions and words. (There is a very effective “I am a message” technique for this, at the end of the page there is a link to an online training for parents on communicating with a teenager, we highly recommend it).
Recommendation 8 Studies show that the level of development of a teenager's self-regulation is one of the main personal characteristics on which his success depends. In the development of self-regulation of adolescents, playing sports helps a lot, as well as establishing a system of reasonable control over his behavior..
A separate topic is the sexual education of teenagers. We recommend an article on our website on this topic.
Accounting for individual characteristics in the education of adolescents.
People are born with different features of the nervous system.
Here is a quote from the book of the outstanding Russian psychologist V.N. Druzhinin "Family Psychology".
“Psychogenetics identifies two determinants of development: heredity and environment. Between the hammer of the environment and the anvil of the gene pool is a man. For him, the family is the main and main component of the environment in which he lives .... "
Many features of the personality and psychological development of children are determined by biological prerequisites. We cannot change them. But we can take them into account when communicating with a person. Of course, each person has a different mood, he behaves differently depending on the circumstances, shows different emotions, etc. But everyone has individual, most pronounced personality traits, manifested in behavior and emotions. Below are some suggestions on how to take into account the most common severe
individual characteristics of adolescents.
1. A teenager has increased activity, he really does not like monotony, he is very uncomfortable being alone. He constantly craves communication, is prone to frequent changes in hobbies and activities, but rarely finishes what he started, he inattentive and has constant problems with discipline, can overestimate himself, strives to stand out, earn praise.
In this case, it is better to pay more attention to control and help in planning time. And most importantly - to show interest in the life of a teenager, in his hobbies and emotions, so that he does not feel the indifference of his parents to himself. But if parents overly try to control absolutely everything and limit independence, impose very strict rules, exercise petty control, then this can push him to "rebellion". The teenager will look for ways to escape control and live his life hidden from his parents.
2. A teenager has increased fatigue, irritability and a tendency to worry about his health. There may be unexpected outbursts of emotion for a minor reason. As a rule, all this is combined with accuracy and discipline.
In this, parents should not overprotect a teenager, try to control his every step, constantly prohibit everything and watch him. All this will contribute to the strengthening of lack of independence and self-doubt, indecision and inability to stand up for oneself. Here, a normal, orderly rhythm of life, the alternation of mental and physical stress will play an important role..
3. A very strong tendency to introspection and endless reasoning, constant fluctuations in decision making. Indecision and hesitation in actions, especially in situations where it is necessary to make an independent choice, disturbing suspiciousness. All this is combined with fears that something terrible and irreparable would happen to him and especially to his close people.
In this case, it is undesirable for a teenager when his parents "load" him heavily with their expectations and hopes regarding his future. They make a teenager responsible for the realization of their own unfulfilled hopes, impose non-childish duties. Such features of a teenager as suspiciousness, indecision, a tendency to anxiety on every occasion will increase.
4. A teenager has a very pronounced egocentrism and a thirst for the attention of others. He often composes and fantasizes in order to embellish himself and his achievements. Experiences and emotions are theatrical.
These personality traits will be reinforced and strengthened if the teenager's parents patronize him in every possible way, protect him from any difficulties and unpleasant duties, immoderately admire imaginary abilities and attach unduly great importance to his achievements. In other words, to admire a teenager all the time, even in cases where his real abilities and achievements are not very great.
We have given just a few examples of pronounced individual characteristics and their consideration in the upbringing of a teenager.
But who knows their child better than a parent? Look closely at his behavior and emotions. Try to analyze what your actions cause this or that reaction of him. Think about what and how you can help him. The same words and actions can affect differently depending on the individual characteristics of a teenager.
In conclusion, we note the following.
Unfortunately, there are not so rare cases when parents are burdened by a teenager, although they drive such a thought away from themselves and do not admit it to themselves. In this case, the teenager does not receive emotional warmth, although the parents take care of him and show attention to his upbringing.
Depending on the individual personality traits of a teenager, his reaction may be different - from leaving in opposition to his parents to striving to win their love with all his might. But in any case, such a situation is psychologically traumatic for any child, despite the care of their parents, he still feels a lack of sincere emotional warmth.
Why is this happening? As a rule, the reasons lie in the childhood of the parents themselves.
What should parents do if they are aware of their attitude towards the child? Here everyone must find the answer to this question on their own. Psychological counseling often helps.
And finally, in resolving and preventing conflicts with a teenager, the way parents behave in conflict situations plays an important role.