Is love a myth or reality? True love ... Myth or reality Love myth or reality

Not so long ago, I wrote an article on a very painful and relevant topic about, and today I want to raise the issue of virtual love, since I received this question:

Question: Good afternoon Ekaterina! I would like to ask for your advice. I have this situation: I met a man on the internet, he is from Germany, we have been talking with him for 1 year and 6 months. We were supposed to meet him in February, but he had an accident, he can't walk. But I don’t leave him, we write SMS to each other. We are connected by something inexplicable, it feels like we have known each other for a very long time.

We both look forward to meeting you! We try to support each other when it is very difficult. Tell me, is such a relationship possible or is it doomed? We hope to be together! We love each other very much, and do not want to part even for a minute. Thank you in advance for listening to me. Sincerely, Irina.

Virtual love

Answer: Irina, hello! I can hardly give you advice, and I have no such right. I will simply express my point of view and my opinion, which has developed from communication with many women who were in approximately the same situation as you. Each case is individual. It so happens that virtual love becomes real and people live happily ever after. But, unfortunately, most often, virtual love remains virtual love and regret for the lost time. Time, Irina, is very valuable and it runs very quickly.

Unfortunately, it often happens that a person in virtual communication can expose himself in a different light from the real one. A person can tell anything about himself, and it is impossible to check it, all that remains is to believe “on the word”. Here, of course, everything depends on the moral qualities of a person, but virtual communication it’s also bad because it’s almost impossible to express your true attitude through emoticons and other signs alone. Well, they will not replace the intonation of a person, the touch of his hands and the expression of his eyes! Intonation plays a huge role in human communication, and it is very difficult to convey it with signs.

In addition, people are not just physical bodies, but also energy ones, and you can correspond for as long as you like, and when you meet you understand that you are completely strangers to each other. At the first meeting, it seems to a person that he, first of all, evaluates by appearance and determines whether he likes this person or not. In fact, even before the eyes have seen the other person, the nose has already made its choice. It is by smell, at an instinctive level, in the very first seconds of communication, that a person makes his choice, then comes the energy of a person, and then his appearance and voice.

Irina, I would be very glad if yours continued in real life. And for this, whatever one may say, you definitely need to meet. At my own expense, of course, I do not advise you to go to him, but the question of a real meeting is worth raising. If you really have love, I think that he will find means and opportunities for you to finally be able to see each other and look into each other's eyes. Irina, judging by your letter (albeit a very short one), I concluded that you are a very kind and decent person, therefore, I think that you deserve happiness! Good luck to you!

What is true love? Does it really exist, or is it just a myth, someone's invention? The answer is obvious. Of course have. But often, both men and women do not know how to recognize a real feeling, and often mistake simple love for love. Love is, first of all, disinterestedness in relation to each other, the desire to live, first of all, for the beloved. There is no need to think that in love relationships there is only cloudless happiness. On the path of life, everything meets. There are: and disappointments, and resentment, and loss, and betrayal. Don't expect too much from each other. At the beginning of a relationship, only good things are visible through the prism of rose-colored glasses. But time passes, and one day they fly out of sight, and now a completely different man appears before the woman. This is where the trick lies. This often frightens many, they cease to understand each other, which leads to quarrels, and as a result, to divorce. You can do otherwise: try not to notice the partner's shortcomings. This is also a misconception. It’s just that they need to be treated easier, sometimes even with humor, try to never “take out dirty linen in public”.

Years pass, and a woman suddenly begins to understand that she needs this particular man with all her bad habits, that without him “life is not a joy”, she agrees to endure hardships, hardships, as long as he is always there, that together they make up one whole, without it - it is only one empty half ... All this is called love.

Many people live in love and do not even think about whether it exists or not. It is, like air or water, quite natural, and simply cannot be. Others are skeptical about the concept of "love", like the heroine of a famous film, who said in tears: "They came up with a fairy tale called" love "and console themselves with this." In order to understand whether true love exists, whether it is a myth or reality, it is necessary to consider the points of view of opposite sides. The first side is the one whose representatives love and are loved. For them, this state is natural, they simply do not know another. As a rule, love arises in the family. If parents love each other and perceive their marriage as a unity of souls for happiness and joy, children are born in such harmony who see the relationship of their parents and consider love to be the only correct and possible state on Earth. Of course, over time, they will see that people can treat each other differently, but, brought up in love, they will perceive relationships through the prism of this feeling.

It is very important for parents to teach their children to respect all people, no matter what they are, no matter how they are brought up, no matter what families they come from. There is no better way to teach someone something or nurture something in someone than by your own example. Therefore, the feelings of parents, mutual respect will easily pass to the children who are brought up in this family.

True love is limitless, endless and inexhaustible. There is boundless love in the world. The more you give your love, the more of it you get. The other side claims a lack of love and that true love is more of a myth than a reality. As a rule, this side is represented by those who have experienced disappointment in love, betrayal, betrayal. These are people who are in a state of depression, despair, disbelief in people, feelings, the existence of goodness and justice. They can be understood, they hurt. Any stories about happy families can only anger them at the moment, infuriate them. This will continue as long as they allow themselves to remain in this state. While life for them will be painted only in black and gloomy colors. As much as they will allow themselves to be offended, angry, treated with cynicism to any manifestation of kindness. You can live your whole life like this without feeling true love, without learning to rejoice, without believing in a miracle, in the possibility of a holiday and happiness in your life. You can leave the doors of your soul closed, not letting in even a small ray of joy and faith. Faith that everything is possible in life, if only you really want it, and ready to wait as long as necessary. Skeptics may argue that you can live in expectations all your life without seeing the appearance of love in it. Yes, you can! Do you need it?

Determine for yourself in what state you feel most comfortable: when you complain about life and deny the existence of love and joy, goodness and happiness in it? Or, when you feel calm and well, do you want to soar above the ground and smile at unfamiliar passers-by? By the way, are you familiar with the last of these states? If not, why not feel it one day and stay in it?

Pessimists and cynics may object that they don’t need it, they don’t want it, and indeed, no one has ever loved them, even their own parents, that the only thing they know from life is betrayal, disappointment and pain. Then you should try to change your life yourself and start enjoying what is happening around, learn to give the warmth of your soul and share your love just like that, without asking for anything in return. Just warm the other person with your feelings, even if you do not see the response. There are manifestations of unconditional love in this, the one that a mother loves her baby, who, gradually growing up, begins to feel this love and understand that this is the greatest happiness - to be loved! And he will definitely begin to give love in return, but in the way he does it. Do not judge him strictly, just teach by your own example to love, in spite of everything, to love sometimes in spite of everything. There is true love in this, without conditions, without reservations, without expectations, just warming with your warmth here and now, while you are alive and the person to whom you want to give your feelings is alive.

You can relate to true love in different ways, consider that it is a myth or reality, choosing from the options the one that is closer at the moment. And you yourself know better where you are more comfortable: in joy and warmth or in denial of the existence of true love. But still more people believe that love is a reality!

We talked about what seems like love but isn't. It even turned out that Romeo and Juliet did not really love each other! But to the question: "What is true love?" we never answered.

I'm afraid that after reading the last article, some doubted - does it exist at all? Isn't it a myth? Is it not the dream of mankind? Still, I think that all mankind cannot dream of something that does not exist at all! All myths and dreams have some sound basis. So let's continue search for true love.

Definition of love

Once I attended a wedding, at the end of which the priest congratulated the newlyweds and said very strange words: “It is very nice to see your happy faces, but do not think that those tender feelings that you now have for each other are love. Love you have yet to grow. Now, if you say “I love you” in 15-20 years, then it will be true love« . What did he mean, do you think? It is clearly not the obscuration of love-feeling and not the eastern bliss that we considered last time.

The famous description of the love of the Apostle Paul (chapter of the 1st Epistle to the Corinthians) I will not give here, because it does not give a definition of love, but only lists its properties, each of which, due to the specificity of the language of theology, needs such lengthy explanations, that the article threatens to develop into a book, and I believe that not everyone will be interested in it. However, our culture is entirely out of Christianity, whether we like it or not, that's a fact. Our ideas about the eternity of love, its paramount importance, sacrifice, personality and other properties come from there.

But let's leave Christianity, because now not everyone is loyal to it. Better take definition of love E. Fromm, world famous psychologist and philosopher of the last century:

“Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love”

The definition is excellent and often given in various sources, but it also seems to need clarification. The formula is good for its versatility - it can be applied not only to love between a man and a woman, but also to parental love, friendship and, of course, to the closest person - to yourself. We use one word in these different cases - does it mean that it should have the same meaning?

"Active interest"- How is that? Activity involves action and not just a feeling or experience. And interest, respectively, strong motivation for this action, some kind of completely indifferent attitude - concern for the subject. You can say this - active care. Note that there is no question of attachment and sympathy, of the desire to be together with the object or bliss.

Nothing is said in this definition of love about feelings, states, clouding of the mind, the impossibility of living without a loved one, and even about reciprocity. A very specific occupation is named - like agriculture or business. And I think everyone will agree that love is unthinkable without active care. This is reflected even in such anecdotal situations as: “If you love me, buy me that handbag!” And we care about children, and about friends ... Without manifestations of care, our assurances of love and friendship are empty words. Do you agree?

So, is everything so simple? But we have not yet analyzed the second part of the definition - and there the fun begins! What is the concern? — "about the life and development of the object of love". The trouble is that we all know what caring is, but almost always we make sure that our object is “well” - that is, nice and comfortable. And people are arranged so strangely that often what is pleasant and comfortable for us is, at best, neutral to our life and development, and at worst, causes them serious harm.

For example, when we flip the TV remote control or have a beer party, what are we doing for our life and development? - That's right, we are degrading and bringing diseases closer! And according to Fromm’s formula, it turns out that at these moments we not only don’t love ourselves, but rather hate ourselves.

There is such a law of human nature: we cannot treat someone better than ourselves - whether it be respect, trust or love (we can’t do worse, by the way). It is quite natural that we will take care of the other as we would take care of ourselves. It may turn out paradoxically - if we are not, then taking care of the other and thus expressing our “love”, we actually do it too we don't like.

Grandmother, knowing full well that her granddaughter is allergic to sweets, “carefully” feeds her with chocolate: “It’s a pity - the child doesn’t see sweets at all, let him indulge in delicious ones!” And the poor girl will then break out in a rash and itch painfully ... - An example of a grotesque, but it is from real life, and the sad truth is that our "love" is almost always like this, if you think about it.

It also happens that under the guise of caring for another, we actually care about ourselves, and more often about our comfort. This is most evident with children - for example, we dress a three-year-old baby, instead of giving him the opportunity to learn how to dress himself. Who do we care about? - That's right, about yourself! Us so much easier and faster. In other respects, this is not so obvious, but it is also often present ... You can find examples yourself.

Such “love and care” is at best a deception and self-deception, and at worst a manipulation: “I care about you, I love you - so, if you please, now dance to my tune!”. In itself taking care of yourself there is nothing wrong, but why lie, calling it caring for others? And even more so to manipulate, trying to rape the freedom of another? Everything is not easy, it turns out, with care!

Love is unthinkable without respect, without trust, and without respect for the uniqueness and freedom of the individual - do you agree? And for this, first of all, respect, trust and care for yourself are also necessary. In order to take care of the life and development of another, we must first learn how to properly take care of ourselves - our life and development and not about physical or emotional comfort. And until we do, we just not capable love for real.

In other words, only a mature, independent, free and morally healthy person can love who still needs to be. Yes, disappointing - not everyone is given love. And not because it does not “come” to everyone, but because not everyone is capable of it. That's not "romantic" everything turns out :)

Love comes unexpectedly...

But the question “ ” remains: Behold, we have become mature and capable of love, but we will not love everyone or “anyone”? Not every person makes us want to take care of him, and our desires, after all, matter. Perhaps that is why wise nature invented instincts and hormones. When we “fall in love”, a person is so nice to us that we want and like to take care of him. The maternal instinct that wakes up after childbirth imperiously encourages us to vigilantly take care of the baby - we simply cannot forget about him, even if we want to. But hormones and instincts weaken over time.

Love is only seed of love which we have to grow. If we are mature people, instinctively comes to the place of primary love "responsibility for those who have been tamed". If we were able to discern in a loved one a beautiful and unique personality, and not just an object of desire or tenderness, then we will take care of him no longer under the influence of capricious emotions, but consciously, - because fate entrusted the care of him exactly us by connecting our lives, and because we sincerely wish him happiness.

The huge period of 20 years that the priest spent on growing love cannot get out of my head. Psychologists also call the term for the formation of marital love at least 15 years. Why so many? But because it is not so easy to love another in his originality and take care of him constantly. There are times when we do not want to give up something, it happens that we sharply dislike something in another - and then, in order to continue to care, we will have to make an effort on ourselves. This is a mental work, which takes time to acquire skills.

Again, it is very difficult to understand what is benefit to the life and development of another person, because he is different, and his path of development is his own, individual. How often do we think that we know what is best for our loved one, based on our ideas! To understand the peculiarities of the path of another, we will have to cope with our stereotypes, stop looking "through ourselves" - learn to see the other person as if from within himself.

To do this, we need to get out of our limitations, expand our little world, supplement it with another world. At the same time, an important condition is not to merge with another, not to lose yourself, starting to live his life instead of your own, as it happens. In this perspective, love is the path of our development too. It can even be said that this is the most powerful "engine" of the harmonious development of personality. Agree that a person who does not know how to love can hardly be called complete, no matter how “developed” he is in all other respects?

What is true love?

"But what about happiness?"- you ask - "A total tedious job!" But after all, in order to grow a beautiful tree from a seed and enjoy its fruits, labor and time are also needed. Likewise, if we do not water the seed of our love with care, fertilize it with concessions, and work on weeding and loosening the soil around, we will not only not wait for the fruits - it may not even germinate.

What do you think, is happiness only for our “individual use”? Suppose we lived our lives and were happy - so what? Will we be satisfied with our life and our happiness if we have not shared it with anyone, if thanks to us the world, or at least one person, has not become happier too? - I don't think so. But if we were able to make someone happy, we can say that we lived our lives “not in vain”. Previously, in Russian there was a beautiful word - service(not to be confused with "service"). Not only in the fruits, but also in the ministry itself, there is happiness, much more than just taking care of “my beloved”.

Let's summarize. We searched "true love"- endless in time, transforming a person for the better, filling life with meaning and giving happiness. Naturally, love is not “in general”, but personal, for a specific person. I think that you have the same ideas about true love. (Or am I mistaken? If you mean something else by the words “true love”, please share!) We found this love! What E. Fromm's definition of love implies, just has all of the listed properties.

It turns out that true love is not a feeling, not a state, not energy, not a disease, but action, and action, lasting through time through our efforts. In other words: Love is an active concern for the life and development of the object of love, which requires time and effort for its formation.

Yes, not very romantic, but it's "real"! This kind of love is not "comes and goes", Not "flashes and goes out", often leaving behind the smoking ruins of our soul, but depends on us and our will, creates our soul and the soul of a loved one, gives us true happiness and will never leave us. And she, just like a living tree, always continues to grow - together with us, shining brighter and brighter. — There is no limit to perfection. Such true love can and should be strived for, and if we don’t have it, then only we ourselves are to blame, and not that it is a myth and “does not exist”.

I wish you true love! Until we meet again!

© Nadezhda Dyachenko