Steals time: what to do if the husband requires constant attention. Husband constantly insults his wife, or is it worth saving the family boat
My husband is constantly dissatisfied and criticizes me. No matter how hard I try, sooner or later I will find something to complain about and express my dissatisfaction. Either a dirty sugar bowl, or a glass for toothbrushes ... Well, it's so, on trifles. And in a big way - "Who would you be if it wasn't for me?! You would not have had any of this, and you would have remained with your worthless education!.
(From the history of one appeal to a psychologist)
A wife who is constantly criticized by her husband gradually begins to doubt herself, her abilities, her attractiveness. Loss, uncertainty and despair make you cling to any opportunity to get his approval. But no matter what she does, she still does not meet the expectations of her husband. In the future, this blocks the disclosure of her female inner potential, creativity, and sexuality. She comes into a dull, apathetic state, which is reflected in her face, and in gait, and in conversation.
Can such a woman be desirable for a man? To be his inspiration and muse? Most likely, next to such a wife, the husband will become even more disgruntled and a critic.
Vicious circle. Is there a way out of it?
Why is my husband constantly dissatisfied and criticizing
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals the causal relationships of such life scenarios when the husband is constantly dissatisfied and criticizes. Any behavior of a person is fundamentally connected with his desire to receive joy and pleasure from life. And the ways and models of behavior with other people are instilled in childhood through education.
The behavior of a husband who is always dissatisfied and criticizes is characteristic of men with an anal vector.
By nature, such a man is endowed with excellent properties - to be an ideal husband and father for his children, and even adopted ones. The natural properties and desires in the anal vector create for such a man the potential to be a true master and professional in his field. To bring what has been started to the end and to the utmost quality is perfectionism.
But also by nature in the properties of the anal vector there is also some uncertainty, a desire to consult and receive confirmation of the correctness of one's actions. During the period of development of such a boy, the mother helps to overcome his uncertainty, supports, praises for the result. After all, to be good, the best for such a child is a natural desire.
What happens if the mother begins to criticize, express her dissatisfaction all the time, rush and demand results, without explaining how best to do it? And also manipulate love through such phrases: “I don’t love you because you behave badly, you study badly, you don’t do it right” etc. There is resentment against the mother, which in the future will be subconsciously projected onto all women.
There is some suppression of the development of the mental properties of the child. In an adult male, the accumulated unsatisfied, unfulfilled natural desire in the anal vector creates emptiness - frustration - and leads to bad states that are dumped through criticism and constant discontent (pickiness to cleanliness in the apartment, to clothes, to the behavior, views and even thoughts of another person) . Criticism and dissatisfaction becomes a kind of communication model for such a person.
And if the first relationship of such a man was also unsuccessful (treason, betrayal), then he will begin to blame all women and treat them with suspicion. That is, criticism and dissatisfaction will be aggravated by the husband's bad experience - and all the bumps for the past will fly to the wife.
Who chooses a husband who is constantly dissatisfied and criticizes
Criticism and constant dissatisfaction is far from a harmless form of communication. This is verbal sadism - a special form of psychological abuse, which can even cause psychosomatic disorders in a woman. The behavior of such a husband in an attempt to prove who is the boss in the house can turn from severe manipulation of grievances to physical violence. Another thing is surprising: some women endure such a husband for years. Why?
In order to better understand yourself and the people around you, to see the motives for their actions, we invite you to join the series of free online lectures "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"
Chapter:
Question to the psychologist:
Hello, I'm really desperate. Relations are coming to naught, we have been living together for 6 years, married for 5 years, two children 3.7 years old and 7 months.
My husband eats me all the time, constantly sawing for everything: I don’t save light, water, gasoline, I don’t drive like that, I don’t answer like that, it feels like he’s looking for a reason to just take me out.
I myself am a kind, cheerful, sympathetic person, if you don’t touch me. As soon as the husband’s saw turns on, that’s it, I go wild, they hurt me, amaze me, offend his words. No, he doesn’t yell, doesn’t insult me, he just saws quietly, and he starts yelling already when I almost rush at him with foam at the mouth, then he goes berserk, he can hammer at the walls, yell like a patient. Then he calms down and everything is fine with him.
I am a squeezed-out rag, I immediately have less milk, eternal health problems ... It seems that he is all in a buzz.
For example, such a situation: I say "let's go to the store to see the chandeliers", he told me "let's go." We arrived, the baby is sleeping in the car, we do not turn off the engine, we go to look, we return, we go home, he is in no mood. I cheerfully ask what happened and it starts, “we don’t save, we burn so much gasoline, you don’t have any savings, turned on the light in that room and left, that’s it, this is an endless diarrhea of \u200b\u200bremembering all my not economical actions.
And I like to go shopping, take a look, just go somewhere, just not to sit at home, I have sat too long - 2 small children.
He doesn’t understand me at all and only saws endlessly, broke the whole psyche of me and the children, they see all these showdowns.
He is constantly nervous, we leave the apartment, I stand at the apartment with a stroller, for example, I fly in the clouds, waiting for him, and he comes out “what if you were standing a long time ago the elevator would have called” or “start the car, what are you standing” or “that the door doesn’t work for me you can open" (he is with a cradle from a stroller), "that you can hardly drag yourself", etc.
If I bought something wrong or something happened, he will unscrew any situation so that I am to blame. I already tell him this in the forehead, even if he is guilty, he will still turn out that I "croaked".
I stopped responding adequately to his attacks, I immediately begin to insult and end the conversation on this.
I can no longer live in the regime of some kind of imaginary economy, eternal discontent, muttering and an eternally nervous husband. I don't know what to do with it.
I thought maybe it was me, but without him I am a cheerful person, not aggressive and there is practically no malice. Nerves are calm, no one infuriates. I apologize for the vinaigrette, my head is a mess. I don't want to ruin my family, how can I be in this situation, how can I make a life together without mutual reproaches and scandals?
The psychologist Flying Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.
Inna, hello. It is important to know whether the husband has always been like this or has begun to behave this way, recently, having realized that you are financially dependent on him, and in this way he shows his importance, playing "an economical and ideal man." I can assume that the husband was originally like this, only when you were busy not only raising children, then it was easier to endure it and did not pay attention to such behavior. First of all, you must understand and accept for yourself that you do not live at the expense of your husband, but bring up children together, and this is valuable, at least no less if you worked. The husband is now taking advantage of the fact that you cannot start working, because he understands that you will not leave a 7-month-old child and cannot start working. Your financial requests are clearly not overstated... You don't require a nanny for children, trips to a restaurant, expensive concerts, sports sections, do you?
How to be?
1. In no case should you talk about divorce, since you don’t want it yourself, and most importantly, your husband will quickly get used to it and will not take you seriously .. Considering his character, he himself will begin to tell you that you can get divorced ... that will devalue you even more.
2. You can meet the recommendation to "live separately." In most cases, this recommendation, the beginning of the end of a relationship, or throughout life, there is a game of "comings and goings", which is already becoming familiar to the family ... and everyone understands that in the end, they will be together again. The recommendation to "live separately" can be used as an exceptional case, which is not relevant in your situation and will only harm ...
A person can change only when there is an awareness of the problem and, most importantly, a DESIRE to solve this problem. So far, the husband definitely has no desire to solve this problem ... Already at the level of "everyday vampirism", he has become in the habit of "grumbling", calmly conveying his point of view, where he is already waiting for "your explosion" in advance and then he will "splash out his negativity" ". blaming you for everything, where, in his opinion, he is a "good and caring husband", and you do not know how to control your emotions. After that, the husband calms down and is satisfied with life, and you are emotionally exhausted ... and you need time to recover ... until the next "reasonable nit-picking of the husband."
You personally need to realize that your real victory will be if you do not follow the scenario of your husband, from whom he enjoys, at least on an unconscious level. Therefore, your strength is in an ADEQUATE attitude to the situation, calmness, use, when the situation requires, elements of humor. If you change the pattern of behavior, then at least you will not suffer and ruin your life from "nitpicking and saving your husband", and there is also a high probability that the husband will change the pattern of behavior, seeing that you do not react painfully to him " teachings"
When he starts again, follow this pattern of behavior at the initial stage and look at your husband as a "comic character", realizing that you can not follow the previous scenario and already get moral satisfaction from this. It is necessary to compose several phrases that, if necessary, you can say to him and change them depending on the situation, or even remain silent. For example, you can answer him in your own words, but with the following meaning:
1. Probably I love you, for your attitude towards the family, I decided not to argue anymore, since you will always be right. 2. Yes, you are right, I want our children to grow up faster and I could go to work, so that there would be more money in the family and we would not count every penny. 3. Even now I am thinking about finding a job, but I will have to find a nanny who will have to pay a salary. 4. I want to start attending the sports section in order to be attractive, but since there is no money for this, it remains to be content with occasional shopping trips. 5. If such an absurdity as the light is not turned off, then you can calmly answer him that you are very grateful that you reminded us that we need to save electricity, we can really become richer if we manage to save on this.
It is necessary to speak based on the situation, calmly, confidently, but try to avoid sarcasm. At the beginning, he may be dissatisfied, let him scream ... as soon as he screams, he will stop, and at this moment you will realize that you are no longer following his lead and are really changing your behavior model.
Also, do not forget about compliments, if the husband really deserves it. Whatever the husband, but you are first of all a WOMAN and you need to look good, think how, given the nature of your husband, find mutual interests and enjoy it yourself! You have to be flexible in family relationships. If it's boring, then do ADEQUATELY, as written above, but if you see that everything is really good, then enjoy family life. After all, the goal is not to "build up your husband", but to improve family relations, where everyone will be fine: you, your husband, and your children!
I recommend that you read the BOOKS OF VIRGINIA SATIR, if you enter this into any of the search engines, you will find them, in my opinion these are one of the best books on family psychology. Also read the book by the author SHEYNOV V.P. "Hidden control of a person" (by entering the author and the title of the book, you will also find it), where you will also find useful information for yourself, learn how to correctly respond to manipulations, make compliments and much more. I understand that given your situation, you do not have the opportunity to turn to a psychologist, then you need to start to study yourself what will bring success to the whole family.
With all my heart, I wish you - Success and all the best!!!
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If you love, you suffer; if you don't love, you suffer! This is how life will go in search of the golden mean
Every girl lacks attention, and guys are often busy with work. They always have a lot of cases that require an immediate solution, they are always in a hurry somewhere and do not have time for something. At the same time, the girls have a minimum of time, hence legitimate grievances and questions arise. How to get out of this situation?
Men are goal oriented
Psychologists believe that all this has developed in ancient society. Trying to survive in harsh conditions, our ancestors had high hopes for men. They have always been brought up in such a way that you only need to go forward. Over time, this has become so entrenched in our minds that even now the main goal of any man is the pursuit of wealth, money and success.
Men strive to have all the best and in their lives are guided by the following motto - higher, stronger, better. They are constantly striving to increase income, buy a cool car, acquire a suburban area. And of course, men want to see the most beautiful woman next to them, and even if they have found their soul mate, they continue their real or mental search further and further. It is the constant striving to achieve the goal that entails misunderstanding in the relationship. A man is always driven by one or another goal, and he strives to achieve it, strives to prove to the whole world that he is a real man.
Sometimes men behave like crazy and obsessed people, like they are running a marathon. And the girls are forced to keep up with their beloved. They help to overcome all obstacles, while simultaneously solving all household chores, preparing food and keeping the house clean and comfortable. And to a legitimate question, when all this running will end, usually girls hear from their loved ones that they need to wait a little longer. Men constantly promise to pay more attention to them in a month, six months, a year ... Only this happy time is unlikely to ever come. And if it does, then maybe the man will enter a new life with another woman, because he has become more successful and interesting.
In most cases, women cannot stand such a situation when their chosen one is always busy with something and does not pay much attention to them. Over time, serious problems are brewing in the relationship. Often women find themselves another man who pays less attention to his work. For men, this is always a complete surprise, as they are so passionate about work that they do not notice what is happening around them at all. They sometimes give flowers, make a couple of standard compliments, but no more, and at the same time consider themselves ideal in terms of married life. And women do not want to live with zombies who are only obsessed with work, and realizing that the relationship has reached an impasse, they pack up and leave.
If we take a closer look at the current situation, we will find out the following. For a long period of time, the woman saw her beloved for an hour or two in the evening and fifteen minutes in the morning, and constantly went to bed alone. She made many attempts to communicate with her loved one, but each time something interfered and it was not up to it. In the eyes of the man there was work, work and only work. And now the patience is over, and the woman is tired of hoping for a miracle.
Men who are passionate about work, stop! You are walking on the edge of an abyss and sooner or later you will have to make a choice. Who would you prefer: family or career? And is it possible to find a golden mean?
How to explain
What to do in such a situation? First of all, it is necessary to identify the problem and put the question squarely. If you love your chosen one, and your relationship with him is dear to you, you should tell the man about your problem in the most detailed and accessible way. Express your thoughts clearly and understandably, men usually do not understand the hints of women at all. Do not sulk, keep silent or slam the door loudly. A man does not know how to read your thoughts, he cannot guess your desires, therefore he needs specific and detailed explanations of what does not suit you.
Choose the moment when your chosen one will be predisposed to a conversation, create a relaxed atmosphere. Try to make it clear that you are not putting his career, money, and bright prospects at the forefront of everything. Tell them that you are striving for a normal family life and want to spend as much time together as possible. Compliments should not be avoided. Do not be afraid to praise a man, this will show how important your relationship is to you. But let him see himself, always running somewhere, always preoccupied with something, always living tomorrow and not paying special attention to you, and believing that everything is as it should be. The golden mean can be found. It is quite possible to devote less time to your work and affairs, and try more just to live, to spend maximum free time with your beloved. As they say, you can’t do everything, you won’t earn all the money. And after all, an effective worker is not the one who burns with work and constantly rushes about in business, but the one who does everything efficiently, even if he does not stay at work and does not do it in his free time. Worked effectively - had a good rest with someone who is really dear to you. Maybe this is the happiest life.
This article will discuss the question that many women ask themselves: “My husband constantly insults and humiliates, what should I do?» .
Nowadays, people continue to use the phrase: "If it hits, then it loves". But how true is she? This proverb is absolutely wrong. When we love, for example, our cat, will we beat her? Love is not measured by the number of insults and humiliations.
In this regard, the question arises, why does the husband constantly insult and humiliate his wife?
Why does a husband constantly insult and humiliate: the nature of male sadism
“husband constantly insults and humiliates what to do”
When analyzing the reasons why a husband can humiliate and insult his wife, it seems that the statement of the Apostle "Let the wife be afraid of her husband" nowadays some men take it literally. After all, it is not about the fact that, at the sight of her husband, the wife does not know where to find a place for herself, but that the woman is not afraid to upset and upset her man with something.
Although many will say that the woman is to blame for everything, that she provokes a man to be rude, this is far from always the true reason. “I didn’t clean it, I didn’t wash it, I didn’t weld it” - all this is a reason for male nit-picking.
How can a man turn into a real despot who constantly insults and humiliates? Do you think this is a difficult question? Not! Usually such changes occur in men, for whom it is easier to be a despot than the head of the family. It is easier to use power than to start thinking and acting. Giving commands to your wife is easier than taking responsibility for decisions. And if a man at the same time has not learned to love the people he commands and be grateful to them, then he turns into a husband who constantly insults and humiliates.
If a husband constantly insults and humiliates, then he no longer wants to do what he is entrusted with, he only strives to rise above others.
A man who constantly insults and humiliates his wife is likely to have low self-esteem, complexes, and male failure. Insulting and humiliating, he seeks to raise his self-esteem by humiliating an accessible object, that is, his wife. Against the background of his wife, it seems to himself that he is no longer so limited.
A woman should understand that in a situation of humiliation there are two sides - her husband and she. If a woman stops playing the role of a victim, then the husband will cease to be a despot.
Such men do not succumb to persuasion, conversation, it is quite difficult to change them. It makes no sense to endure humiliation for years and wait for the husband to change. You need to start acting not from his changes, but from changes in yourself.
Husband constantly insults and humiliates because of the desire for self-assertion
The desire to humiliate his wife is observed in men who are lower in social status than their wives. Humiliation acts as an attempt to prove to himself that he is good for something, and she is nobody at all. “Admiring” his wife, who is in tears and upset, such men at some point cease to seem to themselves “ugly ducklings”.
The process of humiliating a strong woman gives them the opportunity not to look for a profitable job, to lie on the couch all day and drink beer, and why change something? The earner will come home, we will trample on her self-esteem, so that she does not even think to scold us. And then we will continue to luxuriate.
Remember that such a man is driven not by love, but by pride and anger.
Husband constantly insults and humiliates his wife because he is afraid of losing her
From such men, women hear only one thing: “Look at yourself, who needs you? You should be grateful that I live with you! If not for me, where would you be now! With such phrases, a man underestimates the self-esteem of his wife. And women believe in the words of their husband. They live in fear that he will leave them, and suffer humiliation.
"husband always insults"
The question is, is such a man something of himself? This type of man knows that no one but his wife will need. This is what gnaws at him. Instead of words of love, affection, he is only capable of insults. Such a man is driven by a sense of fear.
The husband constantly insults and humiliates his wife because of the complexes that have been going on since childhood
We all come from childhood. The influence of parents on the personality of the child is enormous. If the husband's father insulted and humiliated his mother, then there is a huge likelihood that in adulthood the husband will copy the behavior of his father. And he will do it completely unconsciously.
In destructive families, in which there is a negative psychological microclimate, children are formed with a mass of complexes and fears, which greatly affects adult life.
In this case, everything can be corrected with the help of psychotherapy.
Husband constantly insults and humiliates when a woman provokes
It is not necessary to discard this reason completely. Any person can be pissed off. And if such manipulations are carried out on a quick-tempered man, with hung aggressiveness, then the matter may end in insults.
Women sometimes ask for rudeness from their husbands. As they say, the stronger the blow, the more painful the answer. In response to insulting his wife, the husband may also insult.
The husband constantly insults and humiliates: what to do, how much more to endure?
What to do to a woman who is constantly insulted and humiliated by her husband?
Remember that there is always a choice, it may not always be pleasant, but it is!
If you understand why your husband constantly insults and humiliates, then you can choose a strategy for further behavior for yourself. What a woman can do:
Do you think a wait-and-see attitude will help you? If yes, ok. Be patient and wait for a miracle. But if you are already asking yourself the question, the husband constantly insults and humiliates what to do, then this option is unlikely for you. Although there are women who have lived with such husbands all their lives. But the question is, are you happy? They answer in the negative.
husband constantly humiliates what to do
Many put up with this state of affairs because they were financially dependent on their husbands, worried that they themselves would not be able to cope with raising children, etc.
Listen to the expression:
Those who do not want it have many reasons, and those who want it have many opportunities.
Gain financial independence, give up the role of the victim. Take care of your own education, career.
Seeing your changes, perhaps the husband himself will begin to change.
You can try to talk to your husband
An open and honest conversation can make a big difference in a relationship. If you start to put into practice daily friendly conversations, then there is a chance to change your relationship. Conversation is the secret to a successful marriage.
It is the dialogue that matters here, not the monologue. If you take the first step, and your husband will remain silent and avoid establishing contact, you will become a real pursuer for him, which again will cause a surge of anger and irritability.
It is impossible for the problem to disappear every minute. You need to try to prevent your husband from breaking down. Pressure and force cannot force him to stop insulting him. He should feel your love, not indifference and ignorance.
If you feel that the tension is growing, do not inflame it further, do not treat your husband like a child who needs to be scolded and educated. Begin to perceive him as an adult full-fledged person.
If you change your image, perhaps the husband will stop insulting and humiliating
Changes in appearance pushes people to internal transformations. Having done your hair, makeup, wearing neat clothes, straightening your back, you. Believe me, the husband will definitely notice these changes. If you love your body, then your husband's attitude towards you will also change.
The appearance of a person affects the attitude towards him
With such changes, you can stop insulting and humiliating your husband and return passion to the relationship.
If the husband insults and humiliates, you can file for divorce
If you fought for your family happiness with all your might and stumbled upon your husband’s unwillingness to change, then divorce will be the logical way out of the situation. Survive separation from husband It will be easier than enduring constant insults. If you have children, then most likely a divorce from your husband will be both for you and for them a breath of fresh air. If there are no children yet, think about what example this man will give them?
Try to figure out in what period did your husband begin to insult and humiliate you?
If at the beginning of the relationship everything was fine, and then everything went bad and the husband began to insult and humiliate you, remember what prompted him to do this? Perhaps there was some event after which he changed his attitude towards you? If you figure out what went wrong, perhaps fix the situation.
If your husband has been like this since you met, then ask yourself why are you still with him? What do you benefit from such a relationship? Maybe in your family there were cases of insults by the father of the mother? Have you carried these behaviors into your adult life?
To understand if you have a victim mindset, answer the following questions for yourself:
Are you afraid of your husband's irritability and temper?
Do you give in to your husband out of fear of his wrath?
Do you have a strong desire to do everything for your husband if he gets into unpleasant situations?
Do you justify your husband to yourself and others?
If your partner pushes you or raises his hand in a fit of anger, do you tolerate it?
Are decisions about your life, work, friends affected by your husband's reaction?
If your answers were in the affirmative, you show the traits of a victim.
Going to a psychologist if you are a victim and your husband is a sadist
The psychologist helps in such situations. Turning to a psychologist, set yourself up for the fact that he does not have a ready-made pill for your problem. Working with a psychologist is lengthy and requires, first of all, your changes. Do not think that the psychologist will correct her husband, and you will sit on the sidelines. After all, such abnormal relationships, in which the husband constantly humiliates and insults his wife, were formed precisely with your participation, and part of the responsibility lies with you.
It happens that working with a psychologist, women begin to realize their mistakes, work on themselves, they begin a new life. But the husband remains the same despot who continues to offend. Only now he insults not the victim, but a self-confident woman who will not tolerate such a command.
The main thing to realize is the following:
If you don't do anything, it won't stop.
Husband constantly insults and humiliates what to do - advice from a psychologist
Unfortunately, problems in the family are far from uncommon, even if we are talking about constant insults and even assault. Of course, if earlier women put up with such treatment, then a modern woman should not allow this. That is why all women need to know what to do if a husband insults or beats. It happens that it seems that this problem cannot be solved, and even all modern methods of treatment and deep mental analysis are powerless. But, nevertheless, in no case should you lose heart and lose hope for the best. After all, despite the fact that the number of women suffering from domestic violence is increasing every day, there are those who are ready to fight for themselves and their rights. In addition, or beats his wife, she can easily go to court for help and support. Here is the answer to the question, "what to do if the husband offends." The main thing is not to be afraid and be sure that you are right, because the law is on your side.
Remember that in no case should you argue the way your ancestors did, they say, After all, you are a civilized and educated woman, what kind of love can we talk about when a person “loving” you endangers you, harming you and your health. And where will love come from if your husband constantly humiliates and insults you. It's just not possible. And if this happened more than once, then, rest assured, it will still happen again. Perhaps in a month, perhaps in a year, but once on the path of violence, there is no going back. And you should never put up with it and release everything “on the brakes”. Protect yourself!
Of course, it is very difficult for any woman to realize that it is hers and that it is time to leave. But if you wondered “what to do if your husband insults you all the time,” then this is a signal that it’s time to figure everything out or put an end to the relationship, no matter how difficult and painful it is. After all, it will only benefit you.
In fact, what to do if the husband insults? First of all, try to talk to your husband in a calm environment. Try not to raise your tone and not talk about your grievances and hurt pride. Your task is to understand the reason for such behavior. Perhaps you yourself are to blame for something. If the dialogue fails, ask a friend or family member to try to do the same. If all efforts are in vain, then contact a family psychologist, see what he says about this. You may even have to separate for a while. The main thing is not to despair in advance, because everything can get better if you have not yet encountered assault. Indeed, in such a case, nothing good can be expected. So if the husband beats, what to do in this case? - Run!
What to do if your husband hit?
If you are faced with a similar problem and intend to save your family, then you must act very carefully and slowly. First of all, forget that you are afraid, because you love your husband, which means there is no place for fear! Try to be as caring, affectionate and helpful as possible. Tell him several times a day how good and caring he is, how lucky you are with him. Most importantly, your husband understands that when he loses control, he does wrong and sincerely regrets it. After all, if the opposite is true, then it is best to forget about any attempts to fix everything and just leave.
Thus, if assault in your family is gradually becoming habitual, then you should not try to maintain such a relationship. After all, a person who loves you is not capable of hurting or offending you. Respect yourself! And you will certainly find a man who will love you and constantly prove his love without any violence on his part towards you.