What complicates the process of adaptation of the adopted child. Features of adaptation of a child in a foster family: stages of adaptation, signs of adaptation, factors influencing adaptation. Ask each subgroup to name the sheets

Target:

• familiarizing the participants with how the process of getting used to and adapting in the family goes for the child and other family members, what characterizes each stage and what problems may arise;
• formation of the skill of making recommendations to parents.

Lesson progress

1. Ritual of greeting.

Participants who have adopted children are invited to talk about their experience of adapting a child in a family, family members to a child.

2. Brainstorming "Stages of adaptation of a child in a foster family."

Participants are invited to identify the main stages of adaptation of the child in the family. Then the participants are divided into subgroups. Each subgroup reveals how the situation in the family is changing, the emotions and behavior of the child, the feelings and behavior of parents at one of the stages (fills in the table).

The group discusses the possible risks associated with the emotions and behavior of the child, as well as the emotions and behavior of parents and other family members at each stage.

3. Theoretical block "Adaptation of a child in a foster family."

From the moment when the child first comes to a new family and until the moment when he begins to feel like a full member of it, a lot of time passes.

Both for parents and for the child there comes a period of adaptation - adaptation to new conditions.

At each stage, both the child and the parents face their own tasks, certain difficulties arise that are characteristic of this particular period of development of relations.

Parents should know that the behavior of a child in a new family has its own patterns.

All stages of adaptation must be completed, and the problems that periodically arise indicate the normal development of relations.

Thematic booklet “Will you have a baby? The second step is the adaptation of the child in a foster family.

Stage 1 "Honeymoon” begins even during the first visits of the child to visit. At this stage, everything is usually going great. Parents try to make the child feel good, cheer him up, give gifts, give him the accumulated affection and tenderness. The child tries to please. He likes his new family, good attitude, new toys.

From the point of view of a child, he loses his family not at the moment when he enters a state institution, but at the moment when he comes to a foster family. Often the child feels guilty, feels like a traitor. This can complicate relationships with parents.

New experiences can negatively affect the well-being of the child. The child may experience anxiety, mood swings, sleep poorly, lose appetite.

Do not try to load the child with impressions. Help him gradually master the new space, be there.

Stage 2 "No longer a guest." The second stage of adaptation of the child in the family is characterized by a relationship crisis. The child's behavior is deteriorating. Parents may become frustrated. The child ceases to obey, behaves differently than the parents would like. Parents, in turn, begin to wonder if they have made a mistake, whether they can improve relations with the child.

The deterioration in the behavior of the child indicates the growth of his sense of trust in his parents. Trying to please his parents, the child restrained some of his actions. In a calm atmosphere, the child begins to react in the usual way. This is a sign of intimacy in a relationship.

Another reason for the crisis is the increase in restrictions and requirements, the failure to fulfill the expectations of parents regarding the abilities and capabilities of the child.

The crisis helps to discover the problems of the child and find ways to solve them. After going through the crisis, you will feel more confident, and the child will trust you more.

Stage 3 "Getting in". The new family went through the difficulties of the crisis period. Parents understand their problems and the problems of their child much better. They are well aware of its strengths and weaknesses.

At this stage, parents find an approach to the child. The child begins to feel at home, fulfills family rules. His well-being improves, he puts on weight, becomes more active and confident.

Your experiences will help you deal with temporary difficulties more calmly.

Stage 4 "Stabilization of relations". At this stage, the family finally becomes a family. Everyone knows what place they occupy in each other's life, all family members are satisfied with the relationship.

The adopted child is confident in his future. If a child feels good in a new family, he will less often remember his former life. He will have new interests and new attachments.

The quality of life of all family members improves. At this stage, you can judge whether the new family has succeeded.

Adaptation of adoptive parents. Adoptive parents should never forget about themselves and their feelings.

It is imperative to remember that parents also experience stress, like a foster child. They need help from spouses, other family members, professionals.

Remember that you, like everyone else, need rest. Feel free to ask for help, share your feelings and thoughts with loved ones.

This will save you from emotional breakdowns and illnesses.

There are people who, for sure, will help you, take on some of the care of the child.

Do not forget about your health, consult a doctor in time.

If you are worried about any question, contact the specialists: a psychologist, a social pedagogue.

Keep in touch with people who have similar problems - with foster parents.

Test your knowledge:

1. When does the process of adaptation of a child in a foster family begin? From the moment the child moves to a permanent place of residence in the family.

2. Do children experience the process of adaptation more difficult than other family members? The period of adaptation of a child in a family is difficult for all family members.

3. Why is the first stage of adaptation called "honeymoon"? At this stage, the child and parents try to please each other.

4. What characterizes the second stage of adaptation? relationship crisis.

5. What does the deterioration of the child's behavior during the crisis period indicate? The child got used to the new environment and began to trust parents more.

6. What changes occur to the child when the crisis is successfully passed? The child becomes calmer and more confident, his well-being, sleep, appetite, and relations with parents improve.

7. When can we talk about the success of the child's adaptation in the family? At the stage of stabilization of relations.

4. Workshop "Case from practice"

Target: group supervision of individual cases.

Workshop progress

Participants are invited to prepare an example from their lives and describe it.

Discussion. The rest of the participants are invited to determine for which stage of the child's adaptation in the family such problems are characteristic, to build a strategy for solving this problem of the foster parent, to develop recommendations for the foster parent.

5. Summing up the lesson.

Participants are invited to draw conclusions based on the results of their participation in the lesson. Note how their views on the issue under discussion have changed. What did they learn in class?

Our system is designed in such a way that it is rarely possible to arrange children in a family before the age of two or three months.

Thus, you have a baby in your arms who cannot talk about what worries him. Most likely, he did not know the warmth of his mother's hands, since he was left alone immediately after birth. The biological mother left him in the maternity hospital, giving her consent to. What is going on in the soul of this baby and his foster mother?

If you have read literature about childbirth or you already have children, you probably know how much the first hours, days, weeks of life mean for a little man. Normally, the long-awaited baby is applied to the chest a few hours after birth, he is hugged, he is welcome. This is what the baby is “subconsciously” ready for, because in the process of childbirth, the mother and the baby produce hormones that help them experience mutual love and affection. The first eye contact after childbirth, the first feeding - all this creates the very base on which the maternal instinct is built.

Of course, man is not an animal. And not all animals reject a baby from someone else's offspring, not all cubs reject a female who is not their biological mother. Human beings have an amazing ability to love. To love not at all because the child is “natural”, but to love in order to give your warmth to a small defenseless creature. And yet, without a kind of "hormonal support" for both mother and baby, the first time can be difficult.

The kid has already managed to learn that no one is waiting for him in this world. Imagine what he had to go through: the indifference of adults, the absence of someone for whom he is one and only, constant displacement, perhaps physical suffering due to improper care. All that the baby feels in such a situation is pain and fear. This can manifest itself in different ways: some babies cry too much, others show unhealthy apathy, that is, they don’t cry when a “family” child would attract attention by crying, knowing that a caring adult responds to this signal.

What all babies have in common is an inadequate reaction to ordinary communication: babies rarely calm down in their arms, they can be afraid of hugs, and cannot bear stroking. They do not look into the eyes, they have very poor facial expressions without an attempt to smile. There is no habit of the so-called "reversed speech": when the baby is told something, he looks into the face of the speaker, understands that he is being addressed, and smiles. Kids are just not used to the fact that this happens in their lives. Their sensory development is inhibited, since they were practically not picked up, not kissed - as a result, they react to any physical contact either with irritation or indifference.

In principle, most of these things begin to disappear already while you are communicating with the baby in the Orphanage. However, some of these symptoms will remain with him for some time.

Mom's Feelings

In fact, there is not much difference between whether the baby is crying or depressed. After all, the reason is the same - deprivation, that is, separation from the mother. In this situation, you need patience.

Do not talk about "the child does not accept me." Remember that the responsibility for the fact that the child will become a member of your family lies entirely with you - after all, it was you who decided that this would be so. The kid just suffers, does not know how to be someone else, he needs time.

Don't expect too much from yourself. Even those who have given birth to their own child, despite all the hormonal support and so on, experience irritation and despair when the child cries. The biological mother also worries, feels tired, painfully relates to the fact that the appearance of the baby has greatly changed her lifestyle, has imposed significant restrictions on the ability to spend time as she pleases, and so on. Do not worry that you are a bad mother, not ready, do not give the child what he needs. Give yourself time and don't judge yourself too harshly.

Don't expect too much from your child. The child cannot understand what has happened to him. For some time, you will be no different for him from the numerous nannies and doctors through whose hands he happened to pass. He simply does not understand what “mother” is, because he never had her, he was alone with his troubles, no one loved him and did not feel sorry for him. Over time, when he gains experience, he will understand and feel a lot. For some, a week is enough, for others, a few months.

A separate topic is the aggression of foster parents towards the baby. Those who have gone through foster parenting do not like to talk about this, but the fact remains: almost everyone experienced strong aggression towards the child. Sometimes they could not restrain themselves and slap the baby when he cries. Yes, this does not at all fit with the benevolent image of the adoptive parent that soars in our dreams: noble, strong, saving the child from orphanhood, giving him love. However, being afraid, hating yourself in such situations, you will not solve the problem. Remember, your feelings are apparently perfectly normal, and your actions are not good, but understandable. The child is adopted, you do not have the help of "hormonal love" that protects such a truly unbearable creature as a small screaming lump from completely natural irritation. A born child can even bring parents to white heat, but here is such a situation. Yes, you have a hard time, but in time it will pass. If possible, contact a thematic psychologist to talk about this problem - no one will condemn you, your situation is typical. If this is not possible, just remember: many adoptive parents have gone through this. Do not blame yourself for all mortal sins - just try to give yourself as much rest as possible, eliminate the causes that lead to stress as much as possible, let others help you, sit with your child, etc.

About three years

Children of a more conscious age, if they were left in the parental home, are already noticeably behind their peers in terms of sensory and intellectual development. One cannot say that they are not adapted to life, they are simply adapted to the environment in which they lived, and this environment did not require from them either activity, or the ability to communicate, or an inquisitive mind. Here are the most common features of "domrebenkovskih" children, which distinguish them from the family.

Lack of initiative. Children do not grab everything, do not try to explore the world. Most of them look inhibited and passive: where they put them, they will sit there, etc. It is not necessary to purposefully fight this: when the baby feels safe, he will become interested in the world around him.

Inability to face. We instinctively get annoyed when people don't look us in the eye, but for an orphan, this behavior is normal. The fact is that the eyes are a portal of sincerity, through the eyes we exchange feelings. The child is not used to open communication, he needs time. Do not show dissatisfaction, do not insist, just turn to the child more often, looking him in the face. First at a distance, then shorten the distance.

Children do not understand what they like or dislike. They have already learned to read from the face of adults what an adult is pleased with, and they are afraid to anger him. Therefore, at first it will seem to you that the child does not care what you are doing, what you are trying to interest him with, he will smile at you in the same way. Often it will be a forced smile through fear. Over time, the child will learn to exercise his own will, when he understands that you are ready to accept it.

Self-punishment. You may be shocked if, after your remark, the child spanks himself, hits himself in the face, etc. Unfortunately, this happens if the child was punished. Do not be afraid and do not resent - ignore. If you do not punish the child physically, in time he will get over it.

Failure to refuse. The child will be pathologically obedient - he is afraid of you, does not know what to expect. He will eat food that is unpleasant or unnecessary for him - he has a reflex to open his mouth when a spoon is brought to him, etc.

Voracity. It will seem to you that the child is malnourished, as he will eat everything in huge quantities. In fact, children in orphanages eat quite well. The fact is that the child obeys you: you offer, he is afraid to refuse. Or he just got used to eating while there is food, because in the child’s house he saw food only during meals, there are no bowls of fruit, bread on the table at other times there is no food. Maybe this is how he shows initiative: when an adult gets into an all-inclusive hotel, he also wants to try everything, and some even eat in reserve. Make sure that the child does not overeat, otherwise he may feel bad, especially since the food is unusual.

Refusal of food. Some children behave in the opposite way - they refuse to eat. Don't worry, the baby is stressed. In a new environment and even unfamiliar food. Slip small pieces so that he can satisfy his hunger if he categorically refuses to eat properly. It will pass.

Loss of contact. Many children who have had to endure a long hospitalization, or if they were kept in a dysfunctional children's home, acquire the so-called "hospitalism". The symptoms of this phenomenon are somewhat reminiscent of childhood autism: the child drops out of communication, does not look in the face, when stressed, he plunges into himself and makes monotonous movements, and can mutter. This is characteristic of children who are naturally impressionable, have an excitable nervous system. Under normal conditions, they would be open and active. Over time, it will. If you notice clear progress during your meetings with your child, then you are on the right track, and the symptoms will pass with time.

Your task is to understand: the child has stress in a new environment. Not only did he find himself in an unfamiliar environment, he also had very little experience of changing places, he was used to a tough regime, in fact, his whole life flowed within several rooms in the orphanage and the playground where his group went for a walk. Imagine that you have been placed in a country with a completely different culture and an obscure language ... On average, it takes a foster baby from two weeks to a month to get used to it.

Questions of education

Quite often, adoptive parents want to give the baby all the love that he was deprived of all these months or years. However, do not confuse love and permissiveness, allowing the child to stand on his head and behave as he pleases. Once in a new environment, the child will monitor your reaction to his every action and thus find out if he is behaving correctly.

Most children will be like a pendulum: sometimes obedient, obedient, sometimes self-willed and even somewhat aggressive. All this is a manifestation of adaptation to new conditions of life. Some babies become unbearable after a week, for many the first month goes smoothly, and then a riot begins, some babies suffer immediately upon arrival home, and then calm down. In any case, you should initially set the right tone for your relationship: if you don’t like it when children run and scream, reprimand the child right away, without discounting that he endured a lot of suffering.

Many adoptive parents note that children do not respond to prohibitions that are expressed in a calm tone. Yes, most babies are accustomed to being pulled back by a sharp, loud shout. Gradually accustom the child to calm communication: say “no” calmly looking at the face, before sharply pulling back, repeat “no” several times in a flat voice.

Remember that the child is not used to "exclusive" communication, but is used to doing like everyone else. Show him more by personal example what you would like to achieve.

A separate problem is "one's own or someone else's". In the conditions of the Orphanage, the baby did not have any property, they even put on clothes that came to hand: today he is wearing a hat, tomorrow it is on his groupmate. Therefore, the baby will not understand for a long time why it is impossible to take some things. Just patiently and repeatedly repeat "no", gently remove the baby.

These little ones may appear to be fearless, as once the first stress has passed, they will start to climb everywhere and grab everything. The thing is that they have no experience in handling dangerous objects and situations. In the Children's Home, they were protected from everything that could be somehow connected with injuries. You will have to be especially vigilant and be prepared for the fact that at first the baby will fill bumps here and there.

After some time, the baby will begin to demand attention not only from you, but also from all the oncoming transverse ones. When he realizes that the world cares about him, he can begin to grab everyone around him, go to the handles of everyone. This does not mean that he does not care about you or that he loves everyone. It's just that he is like a hungry person who has reached for food: he is trying to eat for future use. This also needs to be experienced.

Perhaps for some time he will prefer any stranger who smiles at him and will be ready to leave you with someone else's uncle. This is how, on the one hand, his habit of obeying all adults is manifested, on the other hand, the joy that they pay attention to him. Be vigilant in public places - these children can easily get lost, they can easily be carried away by any adult.

A separate problem: the issue of sleep. For a while, you may be shocked by the baby's habits of rocking before going to bed, pulling his hair, sucking his hand in a strange way. Do not interfere with the process - let him fall asleep as he used to. At first, most children feel bad if you try to rock them or even just sit next to them - they cannot relax in your presence. Ideally, the baby should fall asleep in the nursery, lying down at the same time as your child, if any. If not, let him fall asleep alone by the light of a night lamp. Observe how calmer he is: if you stay in the room and, say, knit, or if you go out and leave him alone - this is individual.

Many parents who do not have the opportunity to constantly consult with a psychologist are concerned about the question: is adaptation going right, are they making any fatal mistakes. Remember that the worst is over. Your baby and you have to learn to live in the same house, to be a family. The first months will be difficult for the whole family, but then everything will work out.

The most obvious signs of successful adaptation are:

• the child has a more lively facial expression;
• the baby shows interest in the world around him, he actively grabs objects, studies them sensory;
• a child in a stressful situation clings to you, hides behind you;
• the child shows his will, refuses something;
• the child has favorite and unloved food, toys, activities;
• the child begins to look into your eyes, the first one hugs you, looks or points at you if he is asked “where is mom?”;
• the child looks back at you, looks for you with his eyes, if he leaves you on the playground, etc .;
• the child rejects the actions of adults that are unpleasant to him: he repels the doctor, does not go to strangers on the street, etc.;
• the child reacts to your words, prohibitions, said in a calm voice.

All these changes happen quite quickly, but they are far from always obvious to the mother - after all, the baby is in front of your eyes all day, and you always involuntarily compare him with peers - family children. And you always understand: we still have to work and work ... Do not hesitate to accept the compliments of friends who don’t see the baby often - they will notice how your child opens up, grows stronger, how your child grows, how adaptation will be replaced by a period of “catch-up” - also difficult, but very happy.

Anna Nikitina

Discussion

We adopted two children three days ago .... everything in the article is now with us ... screaming, crying ....))))) We have fun))))

03/08/2018 00:33:54, Max111

Elena Kuznetsova, a journalist and adoptive mother of a 7-year-old boy Alik, wrote in the material how a son appeared in her family. In the second part of the material, Elena talks about what happens after the child is in the family - about the difficulties of adaptation for the child and for the parents, about where to get strength and how to help yourself and the child at this stage.

The adaptation of a foster child in a family is, as I now understand, a continuous process. It has a beginning, but there seems to be no end in sight.

At first, I gave myself instructions: just to hold out for the first week, then somehow stretch out the first month, then the first three months, and so on. The process of getting used to Alik went, as they teach at the School of foster parents, "like clockwork." During this period, there were tantrums, and scandals, and rolling on the floor, refusing any food other than yogurt, and only with strawberries, breaking doors and furniture, fighting, baby games demanding pacifiers and diapers, nightly jumps around the apartment and jumping from the top shelf of the closet, sleepless nights and other delights.

She was calm about nipples, diapers and playing with a baby, because she knew from the course of the School of Foster Parents that this was a temporary phenomenon (time showed that it was so). But in general, the scale of the difficulties exceeded my expectations. It all seemed to me that after three months it would be easier. The end of the first three months fell on March 8 - and then my son presented me with a gift: he made a terrible scandal, heart-rendingly all morning and lay on the floor.

“Why do I need something that I deserve!” I thought. I knew that it would be difficult, but I did not expect that it was so violent and long.

At the same time, my son does not have any serious pathologies - only severe developmental delay and hyperactivity, which today occurs in many parental children. Neuropsychologists and psychologists say that with increased joint work, in three to four months my son will catch up with his peers in development, problems with concentration will smooth out, it will be easier with classes.

Help mom

What helped me survive and recover during this difficult period?

First, understanding - that it is very important to rest and recover yourself. Psychologists-consultants tirelessly repeated the instruction for the passengers of the plane: "first put the oxygen mask on yourself - then on the child." Alexander Eliovich’s webinar “Prevention of Emotional Burnout of Adoptive Parents”, listened to on the site of the “Change One Life” Foundation, turned out to be very useful, in which the author spoke about how to avoid critical situations that are detrimental to both the parent and the child.

Secondly, I realized how important it is to communicate with parents like me - in clubs for foster families and forms.

Thirdly, it is important to understand that the child's bad behavior is not directed against his adoptive parent - it is only a manifestation of his anxieties and fears that he cannot control and cannot cope with.

With the advent of a foster child, my environment has obviously changed. My child has become a very strong indicator - I had to stop communicating with some of my friends and relatives. This topic causes particular resistance and misunderstanding among the elderly. Here are their favorite arguments: “Well, you should have had a girl” (and they say this in front of my son), “You have to live for yourself and why such a burden!”, “You are very ceremonious with him, but you have to be very tough and teach him order” ( despite the fact that before this five years the child lived in complete anarchy).

I had to “remove” from my life people who have a negative attitude towards my step, and tell terrible stories about how adopted children drink too much, go to jail and everyone knows about bad heredity. And surround yourself with those who help and approve. It is noteworthy that after such isolation, many of my friends and acquaintances reconsidered their views and sought to return to my life, but some of them never returned.

It so happened that my mother, who herself suggested the idea of ​​adoption to me, was very frightened at the last moment and tried to dissuade me in every possible way. The same situation happened with my sister, who promised full support and help. But in the end, she treated the child in my family as a competitor for her son for the attention of grandparents. And at the initial stage, I had to make a lot of efforts to convince them, or at least not pay attention to their resistance. It was not easy, because I really counted on their support. A year and a half later, the situation smoothed out, especially with my mother. She is always ready to help, replace and sit with her son and has become a real grandmother. Although my mother still likes to grumble from time to time that I took on a heavy burden - to raise a sick (in her opinion) child, but the attitude has become much warmer. Sometimes it seems to me that my mother treats my son better than me.

Among acquaintances there were many adoptive parents and children. Other mothers, adopted and not, help a lot. I tell them: “My son is a hooligan, weird and does not obey,” and they answer: “Ours do the same.” I complain: “He can’t stay in one place for more than ten minutes, he doesn’t remember well and is generally hyperactive,” and they answer: “And ours are the same.” In general, such an exchange of impressions brings a charge of optimism and great satisfaction that I am not the only one like that. And such a charge is enough for a day or two.

Resources online and offline

The webinars of the Change One Life Foundation helped me a lot. I realized that the main thing is to be in the resource, then I can help the child.

I really hope that I will be able to correct my son's behavior, although this, as I understand now, will take years.

I listened to several lectures of the “ABC of the Foster Family” fund of the “Arithmetic of Kindness” foundation about the traumas of foster children and their behavior. They were held on the premises of the club, and now there is an opportunity to follow them online in real time or later listen to the recording on the website, which is very convenient. They are led by psychologists, teachers, adoptive parents with experience. If before that I only consulted with psychologists from time to time, when there were only acute moments, now I am going to work through traumas with an experienced psychologist Lilia Pushkova, the Arithmetic of Good Foundation helped me get to her. At the same time, I periodically consult with a psychologist, to whom we are attached by the escort service.

Government escort services are still in their infancy, but this is also a good resource for adoptive parents of foster families. Their goal is to help families who have adopted children to help with adaptation: they provide psychologists, neurologists, speech therapists and periodically test wards. You can attach yourself, by signing an agreement, to any escort service at your discretion or in the direction of guardianship. Such services are created on the basis of orphanages and orphanages, whose specialists, unlike, for example, employees of district clinics and doctors practicing privately, understand the characteristics of orphans. My boy and I are attached to the nearest orphanage, and we go to study with an excellent neuropsychologist and a specialist in the Montesorri system.

But these services have yet to build their work correctly. Among the difficulties that I encountered when communicating with my service is the high workload of specialists who deal primarily with orphanage children, while foster families follow the leftover principle. Moreover, the number of such attached "from the outside" is growing exponentially - this is additional government funding, so making an appointment is very difficult.

Relationships with guardianship I have developed a calm, even. They didn’t really help me with anything (I was registered with them as a candidate for six months, they never called, advised or offered anything). But they didn’t interfere either, they didn’t particularly bother with checks and paperwork. If in other areas of guardianship, parents are pulled, especially after the case of the Del family, they are forced to open accounts in social networks, post photos of children there, they are tormented with financial reports and papers. With my guardianship, we have a “non-aggression pact”, that is, I try to fulfill their appeals and requests without delay, and they don’t pull me once again - that’s how we coexist peacefully.

Illustration by Ekaterina Seliverstova

mom at work

A little about how I organized my workflow. At work, I took a month's vacation at my own expense, and then for two months I worked remotely on a time basis and lived off my savings. I took care of the creation of financial reserves for at least 6 months in advance. At work, the topic of a foster child was treated with understanding and provided such opportunities. Maternity leave in our country is legally allowed only for those who take a child under the age of three into the family, my son was already six, so I was not entitled to leave.

In the fourth month, I decided to go to work, placing the child in a kindergarten. Although adopted children are recommended to be kept at home for a year or two, so that the children have time to get used to the house and relations with their parents have improved. But I had no choice - and my Albert went to the garden. By nature, he is very sociable, so the adaptation was relatively easy, he immediately made friends. Although, of course, the new environment required some effort from him - by the evening he was very tired, so I tried to take him to kindergarten for four days.

It is good that the accumulated work experience and experience allow you to agree with the employer on a flexible schedule. And I got a part-time job, that is, I worked every other day. With daily work, I wouldn't be able to do much.

New stage

Now Alik has become much calmer, feels more confident, falls asleep faster. He has grown a lot, and he has the look of a house child. He learned to count and knows many letters, his memory has improved. When compared with ordinary domestic children, many of whom read fluently at the age of five and recite poetry at kindergarten holidays, he still lags behind his peers in general development. But in a year and a half, he has come a long way, and I think that we are great, especially the son.

Here we are sitting with him in an open summer cafe in the park, and he says to me: “Mom, this cafe is open until late.” “Why did he decide that?” I think. He immediately adds: "Look, there are lamps here." I raise my head and, for sure, a row of lamps is mounted along the edge of the awning. I think: “Here is my boy smart, thinks logically”. And then Alik says: “Look at the solar batteries and point to the lanterns that work from solar batteries. I wonder to myself: “Where does the boy from the wilderness, where ordinary electric lamps on the street do not burn in the evenings, already knows about solar panels!”.

A year ago, he spoke with difficulty, confusing cases and numbers, knew little, did not remember anything, and complained to me: “I have a thin mind ...”.

And, of course, the most important thing is that we have an attachment, we often say that we love each other. I call him “beloved son”, and he calls me “the best mother”. I try to hug and kiss him as often as possible. We have such happy days. Of course, this did not appear immediately. It's just that at first Alik really wanted to join the family and at the first meeting he began to call me “mother”. I really wanted a child, and it bribed me. And that's how two loneliness met. And I also saw that he immediately accepted me, he liked me.

Despite all his antics and my attacks, we always made up before going to bed. No matter what happened, we hugged and kissed each other goodnight. And as a result, after eight or nine months, “native”, “beloved” somehow began to break out of my own accord. I even surprised myself! Neither I nor he made any special efforts to this, everything worked out by itself - love and affection formed.

foster family child adaptation

The process of adaptation of a ward child in a foster family can be represented as a complex dynamics of the formation of a new family system, in which its stages can be distinguished:

• - "Honeymoon";
• - "no longer a guest";
• - "getting used to";
• - Stabilization of relations.

The first stage can be described as "Acquaintance", or "Honeymoon". Here there is an anticipatory attachment to each other. Parents want to warm the child, give him all the accumulated need for love. The child feels pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He is happy to do everything that adults offer. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to fall in love with new parents.

The child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, grab hold of a lot. Before the child during this period there are many new people whom he is not able to remember. Quite often, quite unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the wrong time, children remember their biological parents, episodes, facts from their previous lives, and begin to spontaneously share their impressions. But if you specifically ask about the former life, some children refuse to answer or speak reluctantly. This does not indicate a bad memory, but is explained by the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate.

Families face adoption challenges often very different from what they expected. Some adoptive parents begin to feel helpless or upset that they have a child in their family that is not at all what they imagined.

Adults really want the addiction process to go as smoothly as possible. In fact, in every new family there are periods of doubt, ups and downs, anxiety and unrest. We have to change the original plans to some extent. No one can predict in advance what surprises may arise.

There is one important point that parents need to consider, is that, from the point of view of the child (if he is already big enough), he loses his birth family not at the moment when he enters the "neutral territory" - in the shelter, but when he comes to a foster family (“burning bridges”). Often the child feels like a traitor - "it's all my fault" - and needs support. An adult needs to be with him, not demanding reciprocal feelings of gratitude.

At this stage, the child is not completely clear about his role and position in the foster family. This circumstance can additionally disturb a small person. The child needs clarification from adults about his future.

The second stage of the child's adaptation is "No longer a guest."

Reasons for the deterioration of the child's behavior.

The first reason is the emergence of trust in foster parents and the weakening of the "emotional spring".

The emotionality of a child in the initial period of life in a foster family is characterized by tension associated with his desire to please adults. The child temporarily subordinates his personality to adults. This tension can be illustrated by a compressed spring. However, the child is not able to be in a tense state for a very long time, he needs a discharge.

It is necessary to pay attention to the paradox: the deterioration of the child's behavior should be regarded as a good sign that pleases both specialists and trained (understanding what's the matter) parents. The fact is that the child tried very hard to please adults during the entire period, conventionally called the “honeymoon”. He tried to restrain in his behavior those manifestations that, as he assumed, might not please others ("may drive away"). However, it is impossible to restrain yourself for a very long time. What is compressed will open at the first opportunity. The illustration of the spring in the open state helps the participants to feel how light the spring becomes when nothing holds it back. An even, friendly, sympathetic, accepting and caring attitude in the family is permission for the child to “let go” of emotional tension, to give it free rein, to respond to frustration in the usual way, formed in the “past” life. In fact, from that moment on, the child trusts the family with his true, not entirely attractive sides, which is a sign of closeness in a relationship. The child feels that "they will no longer be driven away."

During this period, the child gave adults a tribute to his submission to circumstances, which indicates his ability to flexibly adapt to changing conditions (it is precisely this remarkable property that allows him to survive in extremely difficult, disastrous conditions). However, in the next period, when the child is given the opportunity to rehabilitate himself - to restore his violated right to live in a family, he solves the next most important task. This task can be formulated as "assertion of one's personality". Manifestations of self-affirmation, in part, can be explained by stubbornness, aggressiveness, increased resentment, self-will, etc. One should respect the desire of the growing personality to "defend himself", the unwillingness to dissolve in the "landscape", trying to understand the needs of the child's personality and helping to mitigate the hypertrophied traits of his character.

In a "unclenched", more relaxed state, it is easier for a child to further adapt, both in a foster family and in a children's institution, which, in the end, will create better conditions for his development than before.

The emergence of trust in relation to a parent is a very important moment in the life of a foster family, on which she can congratulate herself.

The second reason is the unpreparedness of the child for the emerging requirements and expectations. Here the following errors of adults are possible.

• - expectation of gratitude from the child. It should be clarified that children are grateful to adults, but they do not yet know how to express it. The ability to thank is one of the subjects of training in a foster family;
• - attributing to the child more knowledge and skills than he has. A child does not wash his feet not because he is ungrateful and sabotages the demands of an adult. He's just not used to doing it. It must be taught - just as we teach younger children.
• - expectation of success in school. Parents need to be aware of the child's difficulties associated with emotional (for example, increased anxiety, excitability, etc.) and intellectual (for example, socio-pedagogical neglect, difficulty concentrating, lack of communication skills, etc.) problems.

The third reason is the growth of children's anxiety due to an indistinct understanding of their place and their role in the foster family.

Here the distrustful child of the foster family is tested for strength. It should be borne in mind that the “check” informs the family about the incomplete well-being in the relationship.

Fourth - emotional difficulties in connection with the possible meetings of the child with biological parents or other relatives.

Fifth - the conditionality of violations of the behavior of the adopted child by the previous traumatic life experience.

The child symbolically shows the quality of his intra-family relations in the "former" life (the provoking role of the foster family, its rehabilitation value for the child). The ability to emotionally and behaviorally "respond" to one's past experience creates the conditions for the child's further normal development.

Various violations of the behavior of children in a crisis period impose a large educational burden on parents. Therefore, they need to keep in mind two popular parenting methods that should be applied first: the reward method and the preventive method of education.

A “vicious circle” will help to emerge in the child’s behavior, which occurs if adults misunderstand their tasks during the crisis period of mutual adaptation of the child and parents in the foster family.

The essence of the vicious circle is the interdependence of three components: anxiety does not allow the child to study well and behave normally, the child’s bad behavior and learning problems cause negative reactions from adults, and this worries the child even more. The result is a vicious circle from which it is very difficult to find a way out.

In this case, an unprepared adoptive parent may experience a feeling of despair, which can lead to false conclusions: I got the “wrong” child, I can’t cope with the child, I am a bad teacher, etc.

To overcome this difficult period, you need to study the following.

• - The adoptive parent has a great responsibility, so he should not give up easily. He should not forget about the “stripes” of life, that after dark stripes there are light ones (and vice versa), and this is normal, both in the life of a foster family and in ordinary life;
• - a child is almost always much harder in the process of adaptation than an adult;
• - In case of difficulties, you should contact a social worker.

The crisis stage of the foster family:

• - it reveals the child's problems for adults, adults understand the child better and look for ways to solve problems with the help of specialists;
• - it is impossible to enter the next stage, bypassing the crisis, as emotional problems will not be “let go”;
• - having gone through the crisis, the parent acquires the confidence he needs, becomes a teacher of higher qualification, which leads to the strengthening of the family;
• - the child begins to feel more confident in the family: he will not be driven away, even if he does something wrong;
• - reducing the level of anxiety and increasing the self-esteem of the child allows him to build more harmonious relationships with family members;
• - the life experience gained, the difficulties overcome together unite the family, there is an improvement in family relationships.

The third stage of the child's adaptation is "Getting in".

At a new stage of relationships, having gone through the difficulties of the crisis period, adults understand the problems of the child much better. When a child encounters difficulties, adults give him emotional support, remind him: we are together, we can handle it. They no longer present an avalanche of demands to the child, knowing his capabilities. In the case of "failures" in the child's behavior, adults (often with the help of specialists) look for and find the causes, as well as ways to mitigate or overcome them.

At this stage, the quality of life of the family can be unstable, undulating. One of the destabilizing moments may be insufficient attention of parents to blood children, if they are in the family. Increased attention to the adopted child can irritate blood children, cause rejection, jealousy, rebellion. They, like a foster child, may also begin to misbehave, their mood and school performance may decrease. However, now parents understand better the problems of natural children, it is easier for them to cope with them.

Another destabilizing moment of family life is the careless or disrespectful attitude of members of the foster family towards the biological relatives of the adopted child.

The emotional life of the child continues to be closely connected with his birth parents. The child's self-esteem can suffer greatly, and relations with the adoptive parents can deteriorate if the adoptive parents treat the child's blood relatives with disrespect. A child needs his biological roots throughout his life. Children should be encouraged to accept their relatives. This is extremely important for the harmonious development of his personality.

Understanding the relationship between parental mistakes and deterioration in family relationships can be very difficult for members of the foster family in some cases. Often in such situations, outside help is required, from accompanying specialists.

The fourth stage of the child's adaptation is "Stabilization of relations".

This stage is characterized by great satisfaction in family life. Adults, as a rule, achieve their original goal of motivating the adoption of a child into their family. Some of them are discussing with the shelter staff the possibility of adopting another adopted child into the family.

The child is calm for himself and for his future, although the fate of his blood parents may disturb him. The child finds his place not only in the foster family, but also in society (“I used to collect bottles, but now I go to kindergarten”).

Blood children acquire invaluable life experience of helping the weak and pride in their parents. Laying the foundations for success

functioning of their future families of their own. The quality of life of all family members and the family as a whole improves.

D The duration of this moment depends on the characteristics of your psychotype or the characteristics of the nervous system. Someone, looking around, will try to hide in a secluded place and from there examine an unfamiliar place, while someone, on the contrary, will begin to be active, fuss. Behavior options can be different: from the desire to run away and return to their original place to dumbfounded. Once the shock wears off, you will probably start looking around you, noticing what and who is around you, and trying to get comfortable in the new place. If there are people nearby, ask them questions. You will be interested in the surrounding objects and things that you will begin to touch, explore them, act depending on the situation. Further adaptation to life in a new place will depend on your experience, skills, knowledge, desire to live in this place, on how your needs will be met. The process of getting used to the changed conditions will be influenced by the people who will be nearby, their support and help, their cordiality or hostility towards you. Getting into new conditions, the adopted (adopted) child and his new parents will experience approximately the same conditions, which are called adaptation - the process of getting used to, rubbing, people to each other, to changed conditions, circumstances. Each person had to experience what adaptation is in life more than once (when entering into marriage, when changing residence, changing jobs, etc.) Adaptation in a new family is a two-way process, because both the child who finds himself in a new environment and adults have to get used to each other to the changed conditions. Think about who is easier to adapt: ​​the one who stayed in the familiar environment, or the one who got into the new conditions?

Features of adaptation of children in new conditions
Adaptation varies from child to child. Here much depends on the age of the child, and on the traits of his character. Past experience plays a big role. If the child lived in the family before adoption, the problems will be the same. A child who lived his short life in a children's home, and then in an orphanage, will otherwise react to new conditions. At the same time, the first reactions and well-being will be different for everyone. Someone will be in an elevated, excited state and strive to see everything, touch it, and if someone is nearby, ask to show it, tell about what is around. Under the influence of new impressions, overexcitation, fussiness, and a desire to frolic may occur. And someone in a new environment will be frightened, will cling to an adult, trying, as it were, to shield (protect himself) from the surging stream of impressions. Someone quickly glances at objects and things, being afraid to touch them. Having received one thing from the hands of an adult, he will press it to himself or hide it in a secluded place, afraid of losing it. How to make sure that, having stepped over the threshold of your house, the child wants to stay in it? First of all, you need to make sure that nothing frightens the child, does not cause negative emotions or alerts. It can be an unusual smell in the apartment, or a pet that you are used to, but the child has never seen him. The child may be afraid of the elevator and refuse to take it, etc.

Most likely, the reaction to family members in the child will be different. Someone will not give preference to anyone and will treat both dad and mom equally. Most often, the child first prefers someone to one. Some will prefer dad and will pay little attention to mom, while others, on the contrary, out of habit will cling to a woman, and someone will reach out to grandmother. Why this happens, it can be difficult for an adult to understand, and children cannot explain their feelings. Perhaps he liked the external signs (smile, eyes, hairstyle, clothes), or the woman reminded her of a nanny from an orphanage with her appearance. The attention of the curious will stop at the man because he lacked male care in the orphanage, and with such a preference he makes up for the resulting deficit. And for some, during their stay in the institution, women have become more familiar and closer, and men are frightening.

But, despite these differences, some general patterns can be noted in the behavior of children. The behavior and well-being of the child does not remain constant, it changes over time as he gets used to the new environment. As psychologists note, when a child adapts to new conditions, there are several stages.

P first stage can be described as "Acquaintance", or "Honeymoon". Here there is an anticipatory attachment to each other. Parents want to warm the child, give him all the accumulated need for love. The child feels pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He is happy to do everything that adults offer. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to fall in love with new parents.
You will notice that the child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This brings many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, grab hold of a lot. Please note: a lot of new people appear in front of the child during this period, whom he is not able to remember. Do not be surprised that sometimes he can forget where daddy-mother is, he won’t immediately say what their names are, confuses names, family relationships, asks “what’s your name”, “what is it” many times. And it's not because he has a bad memory or he's not smart enough. This happens either because his brain is not yet able to remember and assimilate the mass of new impressions that fell upon him, or because he really needs to talk once again, to confirm that these are really his new parents. And at the same time, quite often, quite unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the wrong time, children remember their biological parents, episodes, facts from their previous lives, and begin to spontaneously share their impressions. But if you specifically ask about the former life, some children refuse to answer or speak reluctantly. This does not indicate a bad memory, but is explained by the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate.

IN second stage can be defined as "Return to the Past", or "Regression". The first impressions subsided, the euphoria passed, a certain order was established, a painstaking and lengthy process of rubbing, getting used to each other by family members begins - mutual adaptation. The child understands that these are other people, in the family there are other rules. He can not immediately adapt to a new relationship. He obeyed the rules almost unquestioningly while it was new. But now the novelty has disappeared, and he tries to behave as before, looking closely at what others like and dislike. There is a very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior.

As psychologists note, at this stage, children may experience symptoms such as: fixation on cleanliness, neatness, or, conversely, dirt and untidiness; feeling helpless or dependent; excessive concern about one's health, exaggerated complaints, hypersensitivity, rejection of new things, inexplicable fits of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety, signs of depression, etc. During these months, psychological barriers are often found: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, your habits and the habits of the child.

Children brought up in orphanages develop their own ideal family during their stay in them, everyone lives in the expectation of mom and dad. This ideal is associated with the feeling of a holiday, walks, games. Adults, busy with everyday problems, do not find time for the child, they leave it alone with itself, considering it big (“Go, play, do something ...”). Or they overprotect the child, controlling his every step.
Many adults who are faced with these problems lack the strength, and most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Especially clearly during this period are manifested: lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age, the ability to establish contact, trusting relationships and choose the desired style of communication. Attempts to rely on their own life experience, on the fact that they were brought up that way, often fail.

There is a difference in the views on parenting, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy, the desire for an abstract ideal, overstated or, conversely, underestimated requirements for the child. The process of education is seen as the correction of innate defects. The joy of communication, the naturalness of relationships disappears. There may be a desire to subordinate the child to himself, to his power. Instead of natural acceptance of the child, his dignity is downplayed. Instead of a sensitive response to the slightest achievements of the child, his comparison with peers begins, which is often not in favor of the adopted child.

Sometimes during this period the child regresses in his behavior to a level that does not correspond to his age. Some become too demanding and capricious, preferring to play with younger children and dominate them. Others show hostility to their new surroundings. Some children may experience unexplained bouts of anger, crying, fatigue, or anxiety. There is a return of enuresis, bad habits.
The feeling of being a victim of circumstance leads the child to think that adults do not care about him, and he may want to leave home. Some children are afraid of being deceived and returned to the orphanage, and therefore they refuse to leave the new home. Some children are afraid to stay in the house without new parents for a long time, do not let them go away for a minute, fearing that they will leave and not return.

Having got used to the new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. This search is not always successful. To get attention, the child may change behavior in unexpected ways. Therefore, you should not be surprised that a cheerful, active child suddenly becomes capricious, cries often and for a long time, starts fighting with his parents or with his brother, sister (if any), does in spite of what they do not like. And gloomy, withdrawn - to show interest in the environment, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly or becomes unusually active.

Unprepared for this, parents may experience fear, shock. “We wish him well - and he ... We love him so much, but he does not appreciate us,” are the usual complaints for this period. Some are overcome with despair: “Is it always going to be like this ?!” “Seditious” thoughts may also appear: “Why did we need this child at all? How quiet and calm it was together ... Or maybe return him to where they took him from, because he was already used to that way of life, to children? Justifying themselves, parents begin to look for shortcomings in the child caused by “defective” heredity: poor memory, slow thinking, too mobile, and similar defects, not suspecting that many developmental shortcomings are caused not by hereditary factors, but by the social neglect of the child, and with good family care, care and patience disappear without a trace. Unfortunately, there are families who see a way out of this situation in divorce: "You wanted (wanted), so you bring up!" This is only a small list of problems that may arise in families who decide to take on the upbringing of someone else's child or a new wife or husband who has adopted a child.

T third stage- "Addiction", or "Slow Recovery". You may notice that the child somehow suddenly matured. If earlier he was attracted to kids, then he leaves their games, chooses companies close to him in age. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with adults. The child gets used to the rules of behavior in the family and in the children's institution. He begins to behave as naturally as a natural child behaves in a blood family. The child takes an active part in all family affairs. Without tension, he recalls his past life. Behavior corresponds to the characteristics of the character and is fully adequate to the situations.

He feels free, becomes more independent and independent. For many children, even the appearance changes, the look becomes more expressive. They become more emotional; disinhibited - more restrained, and clamped - more open. This is a form of gratitude to the parents who accepted him into their family.

Having adapted to new conditions, children are less likely to remember the past. If the child is well in the family, he almost does not talk about his former way of life, having appreciated the advantages of the family, he does not want to return to it. Preschool children may ask adults where they have been for so long, why have they been looking for it for so long? If a child feels good about himself, there is attachment to parents and reciprocal feelings. He easily follows the rules and correctly responds to requests. Shows attention and interest in all family affairs, participating in everything possible. He himself notes the changes taking place with himself, recalls his bad behavior (if it was), not without irony, sympathizes and empathizes with his parents. Children and parents live the life of an ordinary normal family, unless the parents are afraid of burdened heredity and are ready to adequately perceive the age-related changes taking place in the child.

Foster (adopted) children in their behavior no longer differ from a child brought up by biological parents. If there are problems, they usually reflect the crisis stages of age development through which every child goes.

If the parents could not find a way to the heart of the child and establish a trusting relationship, then the previous personality flaws (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, striving for vagrancy) are aggravated, as well as what we have already noted above: vindictiveness or demonstration of helplessness, demanding excessive attention or stubbornness, negativism. That is, each child is looking for his own way of protection from adverse external influences.

The next crisis can be observed in adolescence. In the first half of adolescence, identity is being formed, he strives for independence and emancipation. The beginning of the formation of identity is evidenced by the child's increased interest in his roots, his questions about the origin, as well as attempts to experiment with his appearance. They grow or shave their hair, recolor it, invent inconceivable hairstyles and clothes, etc.

A child can change his attitude towards adoptive parents, criticize them, especially when he is offended. Adopted children often try to be like their biological parents. If a teenager has limited information about the biological family, he guesses the missing nuances, tries to resemble the imaginary image of biological parents. It may seem that the teenager denies the values, customs, religion and appearance of the adoptive parents and accepts the scale of values ​​that, as it seems to him, existed in his biological family.

In adolescence, all young people insistently demand independence. Paradoxically, a teenager, deep down afraid of separation from adoptive parents, can at the same time cross all conceivable boundaries, vehemently defending his independence and declaring his non-participation in the family: “You can’t tell me what to do! You are not my mother!" At moments of aggravation of relations, you may hear the words that it would be better for him in his own family, that you are bad parents. The child believes that he is not loved or treated badly because he is not native.

During adolescence, the child continues to experience the loss of his biological family, a process that began at a previous stage of development. The second stage of experience is aggression. The adolescent enters this stage just at the moment when he declares his denial of the identity of the foster family and refuses to support it. Although adolescence is accompanied by aggressiveness in all young people, for adopted children this feeling is even more pronounced. Many parents note that the child becomes aggressive around the age of twelve (girls a little earlier), and the peak of aggression occurs at thirteen or fourteen.

A complication of relations between adults and a child, changes in behavior appear in any child in adolescence, when interest in his "I", the history of his appearance wakes up. Alienation can occur between adults and children, sincerity and trust in relationships are lost. A growing child is removed from adults, he has secrets. He tries a lot to confirm his growing up: he smokes, he tries alcohol, he uses swear words, he is rude.

Peers attract him more than adults, he is interested in people of the opposite sex. This also happens in families with children. Not heredity is the main reason for this, but the developmental features of a teenager. We emphasize that this is a crisis of age. And the main thing here is understanding the difficulties of the child, his problems. No reproaches, no regrets like “And why did we adopt you!” should not sound from your parental lips. These words should be taboo.

Understanding, patience, endurance are the main principles of behavior during this period. And one more thing: do not hesitate to contact specialists with your problems, meet with those who, like you, are raising an adopted child. You will understand that there are no hopeless situations.

In a year or two, with the reasonable behavior of adults, you will notice that these problems will go away, and, growing up, the child will appreciate the role of the family in his life.

Therefore, without waiting until the child enters a difficult adolescence, try to learn as much as possible about what surprises this transitional, crisis period in the development of any person is preparing. Think of yourself as a teenager: it may have been difficult for you to understand adults, and it was difficult for your parents, teachers and other adults around you to understand you.