domestic violence. Types of domestic violence. Or maybe he's sick

Using the example of this life story, one can trace a fairly typical pattern of how a woman gets into a situation of domestic violence and what happens to her next. Here you can see all the mistakes made by women who become victims of a domestic tyrant and remain in destructive relationships. After the story, we will analyze 10 mistakes women make in relationships and how to avoid these mistakes.

It can't go on like this anymore...

I want to tell my story and ask for some help to understand it, because can't go on like this anymore... I'm 22, he's 26. We're not married, we've been living with him for half a year, we've been together for a year. At first everything was fine, but there were bells. I didn't pay much attention to them. When we met, I was depressed because of the prevailing circumstances of life before him - apparently, I became weak and therefore it turned out what is happening now with him. Or maybe he is just such a person ... Well, or all together.

When he hit me for the first time, I did not attach much importance (it was a slap in the face). We didn't live then, we just met. Then, 2 months later, while swearing, he twisted my arm and broke it, I walked for 2 months with a cast (this is very uncomfortable). In the end, I forgave, because it was an accident (not on purpose). Then there was, as it were, a lull without assault.

And in the summer, he began to beat me hard with his fists until bruises. All this became more frequent after I was in the social. networks wrote ex-boyfriend, and I answered him. I know I may be wrong, but that's just not possible! I blocked the former, and then I was completely forbidden to communicate with everyone, even with my last girlfriend - everyone was deleted everywhere. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this, perhaps, holds me. Or maybe I'm just addicted to it? After all, there are more moments when I hate him!

I hate that he kicks me out, shouting all sorts of nasty things at me. And then, when I leave, he comes for me at the same hour and asks me to come back. Pure bullying! It was that I wanted to go to another city to my father, but he was right there - he climbed into the train and swore he asked me not to leave, he even cried. I stayed - and a fool! Nothing has changed, if only for a while, not for long :)

I thought it was a matter of distrust ... We even agreed on a detector (for treason), which I successfully passed. But he still doesn't believe me! He constantly scoffs, finds fault with everything, where there is even nothing. I am constantly stressed. He controls everything, always call him - where did you go, why and what are you doing. He can lock it up, and it doesn’t matter to him what I need for my business ...

If you ask him not to close it, he will hit his head with his fists, you cry from pain, and he knocks again ... Maybe even in the morning. For example, this is already the 2nd day and this is happening - he goes to work, beats me and locks me up, but I need to go to the clinic. And yesterday I kicked it out again. I’m already standing near the threshold with the bags, and he takes it and starts tearing them up and asking if I want to leave, as if he doesn’t want to. I say no, but he screams that in a week I will crawl to him, although I said that I don’t want to.

Now he called - he says he went too far with his fists, it will not happen again. Is he bullying? And so constantly ... I'm tired, my grandmother tells me that I already have a bad appearance. I have somewhere to go ... But I can’t, because he will call again and ask to return, and I will melt again and go, because he was once normal, and I want to believe in it. But apparently all in vain. I do not know what to do. They treat me like a dog...

Alexandra

Undoubtedly, the man in this story is typical, and the relationship is destructive, dangerous to the life and health of a woman. Alexandra has somewhere to go, she is not kept by children or material dependence, even a divorce is not needed. But she does not leave him ... Why? Something hinders her in herself and makes her related to thousands of sisters in misfortune. I propose to consider these mistakes of women in relations with a tyrant. What should a woman do or not do to avoid becoming a victim of domestic violence?

Mistakes women make in destructive relationships

1. Hasty decision and relationship as a salvation from problems

Alexandra writes that when they met, she was in a weak state. Yes, there are periods in life when we are "not on horseback" and need someone's moral support - this is quite normal. It is sad that tyrants often take advantage of this. It's so easy to win over a person, showing sympathy when he feels bad, providing some kind of support, even insignificant! And if a weak state is associated with a drop in self-esteem after an unsuccessful relationship, then the signs of attention of a new boyfriend become a saving signal for a woman that someone else may “need” and love her.

How to avoid mistakes?

You should not trust your feelings and assessment of a new partner when you are "in a weak state." Do not confuse your gratitude for support and a pleasant feeling of "need" with love. The fact that a person has helped you now does not mean that you need him for the rest of your life. This does not mean that he really loves and cares for you. First, return to the “strong” state, and then see if this person is yours, and how he really relates to you.

2. The woman misses the "wake-up calls"

A woman tries not to notice the roughness in the relationship that alarms her. She wants to believe that “this is an accident”, it “seemed” to her, this is “lapping”, “it will pass with time” ... And all because she needs a relationship and enjoys signs of attention. She really doesn’t want to, and nobody needs it, and at the same time it’s hard to refuse pleasant courtship ... She really wants to believe that the search is over, she finally found her “half” - this is love.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you want to connect your life with a person seriously, you should not be led by emotions. It is the fact that a woman prioritizes her fears and pleasant sensations, agreeing to sacrifice for them more serious things (dignity, freedom and security), that makes her a convenient victim of a tyrant. To avoid this mistake, it is worth understanding your value system - what is important and what is secondary. It's like with a diet - what is more important: a pie tonight for the night or a slender figure for the summer?

3. A woman does not attach importance to the first manifestations of physical violence.

She forgave a slap and even a broken arm, because “accidentally”?! This is how you can twist your hand inadvertently, I wonder? Did he not expect such a result? And the very fact of using physical force against a woman is acceptable and normal, isn’t it?!

Where is the mistake? Even if a man does not directly raise his hand at you, but only swings, throws some objects at you (even small ones, yes) in a quarrel, or simply throws and breaks things out of spite - this is a very alarming sign! If a woman does not attach importance to such “little things” or justifies them with his “character”, her “sins” or “accident”, she is most likely already in a destructive relationship.

How to avoid mistakes?

Remember that such behavior sooner or later inevitably turns into beatings. Turning a blind eye to this is naive! And if there was a slap in the face, then everything has already begun! A subject with such impulsive behavior is not an option for a normal relationship. He doesn't have an inner prohibition against violence, and you can't change that. Decide for yourself that at the first such manifestations you leave - no options! Even if he is the crown prince and carries you in his arms between slaps.

4. Allow encroachments on their privacy and freedom

This applies to such “ordinary” things as “requests” not to communicate with friends or leave social networks, reading your personal correspondence, demanding reports on every minute given separately from him, dictating what to wear and what not ... The list is endless, but the essence is the same - a man is trying to take control of your life and personality, behaves like authoritarian parents with a child. And you recognize the "legitimacy" of such control, .

And it doesn’t matter how the woman explains it: by his “injuries” from a past life, thanks to which such behavior is understandable and excusable, by his wrongness and guilt for his entire past personal life, by the peculiarities of his character - like he “needs” to control, even jealousy for love manage to accept ... Normal people respect the boundaries of the partner's personality, his freedom and the right to be himself. Normal relationships are also impossible without trust - and it should be right away. Trust can be deepened, it cannot be created out of nothing.

How to avoid mistakes?

If a man violates your personal boundaries, trying to change something in your life that does not concern him (relationships with friends or parents, your work, studies, hobbies, appearance), shows jealousy, begins to restrict you in clothing, movement, communication, tries forbid Whatever it is for you force do something, do something requires, forces you to "prove" your love, educates or corrects you is one of the undoubted signs of a domestic tyrant. This person - rapist. Run without thinking and without looking back! Only destructive relationships await you with him!

5. A woman obeys demands, obeys prohibitions, admits her guilt, tries to “correct”

This begins the destruction of her self-esteem and personality. As a rule, a woman calls it "working on relationships" or "working on yourself for the sake of relationships." She also thinks that with her gentleness and pliability she can heal his injuries, show herself and thereby earn his love, become the only one for him. He believes that then he will turn from a monster into a prince, as in the fairy tale Scarlet Flower, appreciate and love her ...

But in reality, everything happens the other way around. Encountering no resistance, the monster loosens its belt more and more, and more and more does not love, but despises its victim for its softness. And the more you go along with the rapist and "bend", the further he goes - this is the law. In principle, a tyrant is not capable of love, he can only become attached to the victim, or rather, to the pleasure of torturing her. His goal is self-affirmation, for which he seeks to break and subjugate you completely, to deprive you of your will, freedom, self-respect, your Self.

How to avoid mistakes?

Any concessions in a relationship should be, firstly, mutual, and secondly, not touch personal territory. That is, we can ask another not to inconvenience us by saying About Me, but we have no right to ask him to change himself to please us, as well as to make him responsible for our condition. If your partner does this, he is wrong.

In a relationship, you need to defend your boundaries, clearly denoting them. Until you identify them, the partner may not be aware of their existence. So maybe all is not lost? - It's easy to check, just without taking accusations, prohibitions, encroachments on control and correction of you: turn into a joke, ignore, say directly that this is your territory and not his business ... Not to accept is not just not to obey, for example, but to express bewilderment at the very fact that from you "obedience" is expected.

If a person is adequate, then he will apologize and will continue to try not to violate your boundaries. If he starts to insist on his own, manipulating relationships in any form (offended, puffed up, download the rights of the “head”, refer to “love”, threaten to break up or try to “teach you a lesson”), then, as a person, you are not for him are important, but only self-assertion at your expense is important. This is exactly what you wanted from a relationship with loved one?

6. Tries to negotiate with him, appeal to conscience, pity, justice

The woman hopes that normal human feelings will wake up in him and refuses to believe that they may not exist. This can be understood, because it is really difficult to admit that there are unscrupulous "non-humans". But they are, alas. If a person allows himself violence in any form, treats you “like a dog”, ignores your feelings, insults, humiliates, etc., then it will not work to transfer relations with him to another level - no way! Either you can negotiate with a person, or not - this is a constant.

How to avoid mistakes?

Whatever he says, stop blaming myself per his behavior - an adult is responsible for himself. You have absolutely nothing to do with it - he was like that long before you, and now he only shows qualities that he initially held back. If he does not have a human attitude towards you, conscience, pity, compassion, then it will always be so. No hope! He's just a moral freak - and there's no way you can change that. Accept this fact and leave if you don't want to get into a destructive relationship.

7. Believes in his apologies and promises to improve

The tyrant's apologies and promises are worthless, no matter how sincere they may look. This is just part of his game - apologizing, he reassures himself that he is not quite a "goat", but, as it were, has a conscience, and at the same time he is convinced that such behavior is permissible, since a woman forgives. He even checks her in this way - will he forgive or not?

Normal people also make mistakes and apologize, but they take responsibility for their actions and correct themselves after apologizing. The tyrant, apologizing, does not forget to make the partner guilty for what he did (in any form: from “you provoked me” to “I lose my head with you, I’m not myself”). And promising to improve, he does not forget to put a condition: "this will not happen again if you do not provoke me." Of course, these conditions are impossible, because only he decides what will provoke him next time :)

How to avoid mistakes?

Do not believe in empty promises - only actions! No, he will not change, and if you forgive him, he will move on. Your position must be firm. Can you give him one a chance, if you really want to, but strictly prescribing the conditions. Depending on what you are talking about, either: first fix yourself, and then renew the relationship, or: if this happens 1 more time, you won't see me again(and be ready to do it!).

8. Or maybe I'm just addicted to him?

Recognition of one's addiction is a key moment that can be traced in almost every case of domestic violence. It happens, of course, that he is good, and this may be holding me ... The issue of dependency deserves a separate discussion. In short, I can say that this dependence does not have . A woman is not dependent on him, but on her fear of being alone and the desire to receive those signs of attention that he sometimes provides.

How to avoid mistakes?

Answer the question for yourself: are the fears and hopes for dubious pleasures worth the violence that you endure for them? Even if you answer “yes”, then take into account that over time, the periods of his “goodness” will be reduced to zero, and aggression will increase - for sure! You yourself can already see that despite the promises, he is progressing in tyranny by leaps and bounds. This is also shown by the stories of other women with the same ones.

Also ask yourself: Why are you making yourself a victim of your addiction? After all, it's just that the mistress is you yourself! And in general, addiction is a pathology, something that needs to be fought, and not surrendered to it, secretly considering it a sign. Remember how you lived before meeting this fatal character? Your life did not begin from the moment you met him, before him you had interests and joys - and you can return to this previous page, continuing to live without him.

9. Afraid of their weakness to succumb to his persuasion

He will call again and ask to return, and again I will melt and go. It does not “by itself” happen to you, against your will. To “melt” or not is entirely up to you. If you yourself take solid solution believe no more, melt away and return, then no one and nothing can force you to do it.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you believe and come back, it means that you have reasons to support this, and you have not finally made the decision to leave. So, you need to sort out your head. To deal, first of all, not even with false hopes, but with your fears and desire for “necessity”, because it is they that give rise to hopes. And make a firm decision.

To avoid the persuasion of the tyrant, which you are afraid to succumb to, as well as to minimize persecution, it is best, after parting, to simply stop all contact with him. This means: do not pick up the phone, do not answer sms and any messages from him, do not see or hear him anywhere. As if he is not in the world - you broke up, which means that for you he is no more. Of course, this is only about a tyrant - with a normal person after parting, you can remain friends.

10. Hope that he will change, everything will work out

Advice not to expect that a partner can change in the direction you want has already become a commonplace. However, many women continue to stubbornly believe that they can change him, or he himself will change under their influence or by some miracle. They even manage to make plans for life with a person, taking into account his future changes, as if they simply had to happen! At the same time, his negative and dangerous traits are ignored as a misunderstanding, on the basis that "at first everything was fine," and the woman believes that this can return.

At first, everything is always good, because a person does not appear immediately, especially from the worst side - such is the logic of the development of any relationship. But if a person shows aggression, control and other violence towards you, this is not an accident, but his character conditioned by his position in life. Over time, these features do not go away, but on the contrary, they get worse.

How to avoid mistakes?

If you fundamentally do not like some character traits of a partner, his attitude towards you, then you should not associate your life with him. And when deciding to stay with him, we accept him with all the shortcomings and agree with his attitude that we have. It is fair to yourself and to him. All other considerations are from the evil one, and if you caught yourself on them, then it is better to face the truth and deal with those “cockroaches” that give rise to false hopes and ignorance of reality. If you are unhappy with a man and even hate him - why live with it?

Alexandra, you don’t and can’t have any hope that everything will get better, that he will become “normal”. Everything will only get worse with him, believe me! Are you ready to live with him on such terms? You are lucky that the relationship still does not last long, and nothing holds you. Staying with him is only your decision, which you make freely. And only you can make the decision to leave it. Everything here depends on you!

Moving to another city with my parents, I think is an ideal option. And only then, when you are safe, you can deal with your thoughts and feelings. Of course, you need a serious revision of priorities, outlook on life and relationships, you need work to increase self-esteem and get rid of. This will help alleviate suffering after a breakup, and most importantly, avoid destructive relationships in the future. If it is difficult to cope with this on your own, contact me - I will help.

I sincerely wish you to get out of the networks of domestic violence and start a new, happy life! Remember that what happened is only yours. error in choosing a partner out of inexperience, you are not to blame either for the fact that he is like that, or for not seeing the tyrant. But now you will be sharper! I wish the same to everyone who had the misfortune to get into a destructive relationship with a domestic tyrant! Subscribe for new life stories.

© Nadezhda Dyachenko

According to Amnesty International, about 14,000 victims of domestic violence die in Russia every year. According to other studies, 36,000 Russian women are beaten daily by their husbands. If you think about it, these figures are comparable to the population of small towns. Every day we turn on the lights in the kitchen, cook dinner, drink tea with our families, completely oblivious to what is going on in the next apartment. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a catastrophic problem for our society. Accustomed to silence, women continue to live, go to work, hiding new bruises and abrasions from everyone.

How not to become a victim of violence? Where can you turn for help if you have a problem? Let's find out!

Types of domestic violence

1. Economic violence

The oppression of the victim by the aggressor by limiting her in food, clothing and other benefits. Economic violence is common in families with different material wealth.

2. Psychological abuse

This type of violence includes the deliberate intimidation of one family member by another in order to inflict psychological trauma on him, as well as to cause emotional insecurity and fear in the victim.

3. Physical abuse

Physical violence is accompanied by beatings, systematic beating by the aggressor of both one victim and all family members.

4. Sexual abuse

Violent acts of a sexual nature can be carried out both against a woman and against minor family members.

Five reasons for hatred. Why do men hit women?

We will not draw a portrait of a domestic tyrant who keeps the whole family in fear and regularly beats his wife. Let's try to identify the most common reasons why men raise their hands against women.

1. A man suspects a woman of infidelity. The fear of being deceived and abandoned makes many of the stronger sex raise their hand to their soul mate. Such men are used to proving everything with their fists, so it will be easier for them to clearly explain to their wife what will happen to her in the event of adultery than to talk.
2. The man drank, drank heavily. It seemed to him that his wife was too rude to him. As a result, the woman has a bruise under her eye, and the husband sleeps sweetly in a warm bed.
3. The representative of the strong half of humanity does not imagine that it is possible to behave differently. His father and grandfather regularly beat their wives, so the man, embodying the behavior of his ancestors, uses violence against his wife.
4. The man is an insecure person. Quite often, husbands raise their hands against their wives after being scolded by their boss at work, having an argument with a colleague, or not getting the job they want. Having not realized his potential at work, a man comes to let off steam at his home.
5. The woman dared to lose an expensive gift. On purpose or by accident - it no longer matters to the husband. A similar situation can arise if the wife had an accident and wrecked her husband's favorite car.

Whatever caused the man to raise his hand to the woman, the further scenario of the development of events is predetermined.

Four phases of domestic violence

The cyclicity of the path followed by the victim and the rapist was described by L. Walker, in the seventies of the twentieth century in the United States. Time has passed, but the situation has not changed. The generally accepted model looks like this:

I stage. Rising tension in the family

The stage is characterized by the complication of relations within the family: the constant manifestation of discontent, frequent disputes and quarrels. The victim tries to calm the aggressor, call him to maintain peace in the family, but all her attempts are in vain.

II stage. Violence

The culmination of tension in the family is the manifestation of the violent actions of the aggressor. Accompanied by intimidation, accusations, threats, and beatings.

III stage. Reconciliation

The offender apologizes (this does not always happen), tries to logically explain his act, shifts part of the blame (or all the blame) to the victim, seeks to hush up the incident. His mood noticeably improves, he tries to joke and laugh as if nothing had happened.

IV stage. Honeymoon

This stage is characterized by harmony in relations between partners. The offender is forgiven, the incident is forgotten, peace reigns in the family. Only for how long? Over time, each stage becomes shorter, the aggressor attacks his victim more and more violently, it becomes more and more difficult to peacefully resolve the conflict.

What makes women silent?

Once captured by a domestic tyrant, only a few of the victims seek help. Most women endure bullying and beatings for years. Why?

• Shame

Many women find it shameful to be beaten by their own husband. That is why they continue to be silent, enduring cuffs and insults from their other half.

• Fear

The victim of domestic violence is madly afraid of his tyrant. Therefore, she believes that if she tells someone about the beatings, he will become even more angry. In addition, many women are afraid for their children, victims are driven by the fear of losing them.

• Habit

Victims of domestic violence, accustomed to living in constant stress for years, do not imagine that it is possible to live differently. Many wives sincerely believe that everyone lives like this. Women believe that one day their husband will improve, life will shine with bright colors.

Won't fix. Never. Once a man raises his hand to his wife, he will repeat it again and again.

Where can you turn for help?

If you are a victim of domestic violence:

1. By no means be silent.
2. Try to hide in the bathroom or next door if you can get away.
3. Scream as loud as you can. Call for help.
4. Call the police as soon as possible.
5. Remember: there is no way back! And you did not start this conflict, you have nothing to blame yourself for.
6. Protect yourself and your children!

According to official statistics, about 40 percent of all serious violent crimes are committed in the family. There are victims of domestic tyrants in every fourth family. Ask for help! In almost every city there are crisis centers ready to provide any support to victims of domestic violence.

On the territory of the Russian Federation there is a single helpline For survivors of domestic violence: 8 800 7000 600 .
If you find yourself in a difficult situation, call, and competent specialists will help you.

Your future is in your hands!

domestic violence- This is a fairly common phenomenon in almost all nooks and crannies of the globe. Family tyranny and despotism are observed everywhere, in various social strata and are not due to belonging to a certain age group of family members, their financial well-being or religion. In addition, domestic violence is not determined by the dependence on the gender of individuals prone to despotism and violence, and is equally common both in same-sex couples and in heterogeneous marriages.

- inability to take responsibility for one's own actions;

- a high level of stress caused by economic instability or domestic turmoil;

- an irresistible desire to harm a partner (sadism in a "light" form);

- the presence of a psychopathic personality disorder, characterized by rejection of established social norms, impulsiveness, increased, inability to form one's attachments.

In addition, government assistance to victims of domestic violence is rather meager, which also contributes to the emergence of domestic tyranny aimed at women or children.

Among the theories explaining domestic violence against children, there are two main ones.

The first theory includes the features of the society in which violence is found:

- the specifics of the socio-economic organization;

- unemployment rate;

- poverty of the population;

- the presence of civil wars or local actions of a military nature;

- high crime rate;

— weakness of the legislative base of the state;

— lack of a unified and effective concept of child protection;

- attitudes of society regarding tolerance for violence and the belief that physical punishment is an effective educational method.

According to many experts, a specific feature of the Slavic mentality is a tolerant attitude towards ill-treatment and the manifestation of domestic violence.

K. Abulkhanova, noted that the actual Christian acceptance of torment and suffering is fundamental in the character of the Slavic people. Sacrifice is recognized in today's society as one of the dominant social attitudes. In addition, often, coercion is perceived as a sign of attention. As a result, there is resistance to understanding the problem of violent measures against children at the level of attitudes, both broad social and narrow ones common among specialists. The community as a whole, as well as the majority of social workers, do not consider child abuse and violence to be a serious problem requiring urgent action. Because of this, they do not make decisive attempts to overcome such behavior.

Domestic violence provokes children into suicidal attempts, often successful, alcohol abuse, association with youth groups, vagrancy, etc.

A developed and unified system for protecting the child population from abuse contributes to leveling many of the listed negative effects. And, on the contrary, the weakness of this system, the insufficiency of some of its elements, the indifference of society can not only act as a specific cause of cruelty against children, but also further lead to the degeneration of the nation as a whole. In addition, the indifference of society to the existing problem provokes the emergence of a cult of violence among the child population. Today, abuse is the mainstream in relationships between children and in the interaction of children with adult environments.

The second theory is connected with the specifics of the family and the peculiarities of family relations in which the child grows up.

The modern family today has lost the original functions of love, support and care. Relations in most families of today's society have been reduced to an economic modality. The distortion of family relationships was caused by a rapidly spreading phenomenon called “social orphanhood”, in other words, the lack of help and care from children with living mothers and fathers.

"Little" victims of domestic violence are not able to learn the norms of socially positive relationships in communicative interaction with individuals. In the future, they are not able to properly adapt to life, build a family. Children raised in families where tyranny and despotism prevailed are often cruel to their own children. They are easily resolved to use violent actions against other individuals. Such babies, driven to the extreme degree of despair and humiliation, are transformed from a sacrificial lamb into a criminal.

Any violence leads to a stable sense of expectation of threat, danger and constant anxiety. Children who have experienced violence feel fear, powerlessness, pain, confusion, shame. Often, they blame themselves for what happened, feel like accomplices or culprits.

If the father is the tyrant in family relationships, then many children feel guilty about the mother, because they could not trust her due to fear. Deep down in their hearts, some babies understand that what is happening is not their fault, but most still believe that the abuse is due to their behavior or their character. As a result, they are forced to hide everything and keep silent all the time. This, in turn, exacerbates the effects of violence.

Families are often the source of violence:

- with the presence of an incorrect, inadequate style of educational activities and intra-family relations with the psychophysical characteristics or personal capabilities of the baby (for example, emotional rejection of the child, inconsistent conflict relations between parents);

- an unstable family in which a divorce is planned;

- a disorganized, antisocial family with regular alcoholism or drug addiction, criminal behavior of older family members, immoral lifestyle.

Domestic violence against women

Coercion or violence against the weaker sex is called individual or collective actions of a violent nature committed against women. The main motive for this crime is the gender of the victim.

In accordance with the definition adopted by the UN, violence against women is considered to be any violent act committed because of gender, which causes or may cause sexual, physical or psychological harm, suffering to women, and in addition to the threat of committing such acts, coercion to or, deprivation of liberty of life.

Women are at the highest risk of violence from those closest to them, and predominantly from intimate partners. Women who have been subjected to violent acts undergo profound, often irreversible changes affecting physiology, behavior, cognitive functions and the emotional sphere. In the first turn, in women it significantly decreases, a chronic sense of shame appears, a feeling of guilt, fear becomes her constant companions, the perception of reality is distorted. The victim is characterized by a critically high level of anxiety, the presence of neurotic states,.

Also, victims who have experienced violent acts have a number of clinical manifestations of personality deformation - signs. Therefore, first of all, assistance to victims of domestic violence lies in the positive transformation of the environment in which the victim exists.

Domestic violence can take the form of physical abuse, but in addition, it often takes the form of verbal and psychological. Often, representatives of the weaker sex who have suffered from violent acts by a partner do not report the incident to anyone, including law enforcement agencies. Therefore, most experts believe that the true scale of the picture is almost impossible to establish. The risk of dying as a result of violent acts by a partner for women is many times higher than for men.

In addition, violence can also occur between women who are in a family relationship, in particular between a daughter and mother, in lesbian couples, or in relationships between girls who share an apartment or room.

There are a number of signs that allow you to recognize the signs of domestic violence against the fairer sex and not appear as a victim of domestic violence:

- disregard for the feelings of a partner;

- a man abuses prohibitions;

- the husband forbids using the phone;

- the husband blames the woman for his own mistakes.

Domestic violence assistance is divided into several stages. First of all, it is necessary to identify the signs of the violence that has occurred. It often happens that a doctor suspects domestic violence against a patient, but due to certain circumstances she does not want to admit it. Therefore, with the help of a confidential conversation, asking direct questions, it is necessary to evoke her frankness. If a woman confirms the facts of violence, then it is necessary to assure her that she does not deserve such treatment, that the problem of domestic despotism is quite common, that the person who commits violent acts is considered responsible for such behavior.

How to deal with domestic violence? First of all, you should not be afraid to fight with him. It must be understood that it is not only possible to oppose violent acts, but it is also extremely necessary in order not to lose oneself as an individuality and personality. Do not be afraid, and even more ashamed, contact law enforcement agencies. There are three liability options for a despot spouse (administrative, criminal and civil law). If there are bodily injuries inflicted by a tyrant spouse, they should be recorded in a medical institution. In addition to law enforcement agencies, there are also various centers aimed at helping women with domestic violence. Competent specialists and experienced psychologists work in such centers, specializing specifically in providing support to survivors of domestic violence, assistance consists in restoring the psychological state of the victim.

Domestic violence - how to deal with a tyrant

Around the world, thousands of women experience domestic violence every day. Husbands, often, can do much more harm to the physical health and psychological state of a woman than ordinary street gangsters. After all, the attack of criminals is a one-time action, and partners mock spouses methodically, daily bringing them to a sad mental state. However, one should not entirely blame men for daily bullying, because the victim is also to blame for what is happening. Women have a huge reserve of patience, they are aimed at preserving the family. At the same time, wives who endure bullying do not understand that with each passing day, the level of danger of being under the same roof with a tyrant increases for them.

How to deal with domestic violence? It must be understood that absolutely all domestic tyrants are afraid of publicity, which may entail the intervention of others and employees of state institutions. Often, sadistic husbands in public appear to be such “goodies” for themselves, and in private they come off to the fullest. That is why you should not hide your misfortune, and even more so cover the tyrant. It is necessary to inform the spouse's parents, his other close persons, friends about violent acts against him. You also need to tell your family about the behavior of your spouse. Help for women with domestic violence is provided by centers for psychological support and legal assistance. In addition, it is recommended to write a statement about a domestic tyrant to law enforcement agencies. They have enough leverage and intimidation of domestic sadists. The most important thing in confronting a man who is prone to domestic violence is to demonstrate what awaits him with repeated attempts to act of a violent nature.

Unfortunately, in our country assistance to victims of domestic violence is developed to a much lesser extent than abroad. Therefore, in order to improve the effectiveness of the assistance system, to eradicate the problem of domestic violence, it is advisable to adopt the experience of foreign countries, as well as develop effective programs aimed at creating a system of psychological, legal, medical and social assistance to victims of domestic violence.

Today it becomes obvious that effective social work in the direction of providing assistance and support to people who have suffered from domestic tyrants should be based on the close interweaving of all public services related to solving the social problems of the population.

Domestic violence is dangerous because over time it becomes generalized, when cases of abuse and violent actions are regular and cover different areas of the relationship between the tyrant and the victim. Domestic violence is characterized by a cyclical process.

Rehabilitation assistance to victims of domestic violence is characterized by the presence of certain prescriptions. What they have in common is their focus on overcoming psychological transformations caused by prolonged exposure to stress, as well as those associated with the destruction of the victim's personality caused by cruelty.

Studies have proven that the following strategies for coping with post-traumatic stress disorder are most effective:

- in order to analyze memories of a traumatic situation and deeply comprehend all the circumstances of the trauma, a directed return to memories is used;

- understanding the meaning of a traumatic situation in life, awareness of the style of behavior, decisions made by a person, and, as a result, the quality of life acquired.

Most experts believe that the experienced violence should be considered as a traumatic crisis, the consequences of which affect the worldview of women, their motivational and emotional spheres, cognitive processes and behavior. Hence, the concepts aimed at studying the consequences of domestic violent acts as a traumatic crisis are based on the theory that an individual who has survived a crisis situation cannot remain the same. As a result of the past events, changes must necessarily occur in his personality. Since there can be no “return” from a crisis situation. As a result of a traumatic crisis, the representatives of the weaker sex move from one state of self-awareness to another, from one judgment of reality to another. Such a transformation should be considered as the transfer of new experience, the acquisition of knowledge about one's own personality and about the world, which in the end can be considered as overcoming a stage in personal development, subject to a successful exit from a traumatic crisis.

In short, positively overcoming the crisis provoked by domestic violence is the way to gain a new self-concept and a new concept of reality. Such a path is quite complicated and often causes natural fear, which consists in the fear of losing oneself, fear of not enduring experiences and losing one's mind. Most women who choose this path need an assistant or guide. Psychologists or social workers can act as guides. A positive approach contributes to the fruitful overcoming of the state of crisis provoked by violence. It consists in a woman's understanding of her own reactions to circumstances, with their further acceptance, in experiencing and formulating her own state, which leads to the integration of experience gained as a result of suffering violence.

Domestic violence is a complex type of violence. It is a cycle of physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual and economic humiliation, repeated with increasing frequency, intimidation in order to maintain control over the victim. Domestic violence is a fairly common phenomenon throughout the world and in all segments of the population. Domestic violence is spoken of in cases where the facts of rough and cruel treatment are not single, not random and situational, but regular, systematic and constantly repeated. With all the variety of types of violence - physical, sexual, psychological, economic, etc. - it is for family violence that it acquires a universal, generalized character. There is no family rapist who would infringe on his victim or victims in one way (Psychological Help, 2000).

As discussed above, women are more likely than men to be victims of domestic violence. Cases of domestic violence against men are not so widespread, although they are not uncommon, and therefore they should not be discounted. Moreover, it is women who initiate and commit violence against children, even women who are considered loving mothers. And finally, when both partners constantly provoke each other and start fights, quarrels, scandals, insult and humiliate each other, mutual violence takes place. At the same time, according to the researchers, it does not matter who initiates them: both parties are responsible.

Often a woman living in a situation of violence does not even realize that what is happening to her can be attributed to this category. With domestic violence, a partner (husband, ex-husband, lover) insults and humiliates a woman; does not allow her to see friends and relatives; hitting her or yelling and threatening to beat her; beats children; forces a woman to have sex against her will; does not want the woman to work; makes her think that only he can manage the family money properly; constantly criticizes her (how a woman is dressed, how she cooks food, how she looks); instills a sense of guilt towards children and uses children for indirect violence. It takes place if a woman in the family feels helpless and useless, is afraid of her partner, feels lonely, blames only herself for everything, gave up on herself and lives only in obedience to a sense of duty (Korablina et al., 2001).

When examining the source of a couple's problems, it is necessary to examine the factors and conditions that brought the spouses together and to this day support their marriage. According to existing complex models, such as the theory of J. Murstein (Murstein, 1970), when choosing a marriage partner, there are three factors, three forces of attraction: aspiration, dignity and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their value in each phase changes. Each phase serves as a kind of filter for screening out unsuitable partners.

In the first phase (desire, motivation to build relationships), such factors as external attractiveness and demeanor play a significant role (how these characteristics are evaluated by other people also plays an important role). In the second phase (dignity), the center of gravity shifts mainly towards the similarity of interests, points of view, values. In the third phase, first of all, the compatibility of roles is assessed. Partners determine whether they can assume complementary roles in the marriage that will allow them to meet their needs.

The principle of “exchange compatibility” applies to all phases. Equilibrium is achieved only when such an exchange from the point of view of partners is equivalent. The source of problems is often unfulfilled expectations, which are partly conscious and formulated, partly conscious, but not discussed with a partner, and partly unconscious.

The largest number of clashes and conflicts occur in the first years of the family's existence: at the stage of formation of individual stereotypes of communication, harmonization of value systems and development of a common worldview. In fact, at this stage, there is a mutual adaptation of the spouses, the search for a type of relationship that would satisfy both. At the same time, the spouses face the following tasks: 1) formation of the family structure; 2) distribution of functions (or roles) between husband and wife; 3) developing common family values ​​(Borisov, 1987). For the implementation of mutual adaptation of marriage partners, the compatibility of their ideas in the three indicated parameters is necessary; their complete coincidence would be ideal, but it is impossible in real life (Kalmykova, 1983).

Therefore, in particular, the most critical in terms of domestic violence are the first marriage period (up to 1.5-2 years) and the period after 10-15 years of marriage. These are the stages of the two main crises of interpersonal family relationships, during which both the relationships themselves and their participants change. At the same time, the first critical period, which causes changes in the behavior of the victim, is associated with the complete “dissolution” of her identity in the partner and in relationships with him. A man deliberately asserts his power, thereby reinforcing the impotence of a woman. As a rule, a young woman, more often than representatives of older age groups, does not want to put up with manifestations of psychological (and even more so physical) violence, seeks to change her situation, seeks the help of a psychologist, and is even ready to part with a partner from whom she experiences violence. At the same time, a woman's economic dependence, giving up "her own life" for the sake of "family interests" support violence on the part of her husband (partner) (Gradskova, 2000)

After the first or second year of marriage, the process of development of the family and marriage reaches a level where the personal qualities of the spouses, which determine the stability of the marriage, come to the fore. Increasing demands on a marriage partner create the basis for potential conflicts based on differences in interests, attitudes, values, and character traits. If all efforts to overcome tensions fail, the development of the relationship leads to the dissolution of the marriage or to its "fixing", but on a pathological basis - that is, on the basis of acceptance of violence. Then the stress becomes chronic, and the so-called post-traumatic stress reaction develops.

To describe the post-traumatic stress reaction resulting from violence, the concepts of "accident neurosis", "compensatory hysteria", "traumatic neurasthenia", etc. are used. Violence often causes a delay or decrease in the level of physical and mental functioning and development, neurotic reactions, various somatic diseases (obesity, sudden weight loss, stomach ulcers, skin diseases, allergies). The behavior of the victims characterizes anxiety, anxiety.

Typical sleep disturbances, chronic depression, aggressiveness, a tendency to solitude, excessive compliance, ingratiating, obsequious behavior, threats or suicide attempts, inability to communicate, build relationships with other people, low self-esteem, etc.

In the second period, the victim, who has undergone many difficulties and has become more sensitive, fragile, that is, even more “victim”, tries to comprehend what is happening. However, chronic crisis experiences, abuse and constant traumas by this period form the so-called “beaten woman syndrome” (abbreviated as BW). L. Walker in the early 80s. The 20th century included the following aspects in the concept of SIW: fear, depression, guilt, passivity and low self-esteem (Walker, 2000). Later, J. Douglas proposed a new, reorganized version of the SIL, including signs and evidence of domestic violence (Douglas et al., 1988):

Traumatic effect of violence (anxiety, somatic symptoms);

The presence of learned helplessness (depression, low self-esteem, low ability to resolve conflicts);

Destructive mechanisms of dealing with violence (guilt, denial of violence, misunderstanding of its essence).

In addition, affective pathology (depression) and the abuse of alcohol and drugs against this background are more common among women who are subjected to violence (Malkina-Pykh, 2006).

We can say that it is the "accustoming to violence" on the part of the victim, the construction of it into a cultural norm, that is the main factor that supports long-term violence on the part of the spouse. And such addiction, according to T. Winch's complementary ("additional") theory of marriage, begins with the parental family: children learn and repeat the models of their parents' marital relations (Winch et al., 1954). Comparative studies of relations in favorable and conflict families have shown that the model of parental marriage, the relationship of father to mother, and childhood experiences have an important influence on the balance of relations. Balanced spouses were calm in childhood, they were rarely punished, more often caressed, they were openly talked about sex issues. Their relationship is more harmonious, and they do not have to waste energy on correcting a partner and relationships with him, on disappointment in a partner and in relationships, in the family as such, as well as on revenge, betrayal and other ways of “restoring justice”.

There are some common characteristics of real and potential victims of domestic violence: passivity, subservience, self-doubt, low self-esteem, guilt. These qualities, on the one hand, are the conditions for the occurrence of domestic violence, on the other hand, they are aggravated over time and entail the development of violence. There are also common characteristics of rapists: criticality towards others, aggressiveness, dominance, secrecy, impulsiveness. Also a common feature is the preference for the strategy of dominance and suppression in the conflict.

A more positive perception of oneself, understanding the conflict situation as violence creates more constructive interaction and reduces the intensity and variety of forms of violence. The tendency to blame oneself or to see the cause of the conflict in external circumstances determines the choice of destructive interaction strategies that support acts of violence on the part of the partner.

Very often, victim behavior is a form of aggression or self-aggression: it is aimed at suppressing and controlling the behavior and experiences of other people or oneself. This is illustrated by the observations of psychoanalysts. For example, the well-known "Oedipus complex" in men or the "Electra complex" in women make a person look for and choose for his friends, acquaintances, spouses and colleagues of people who look like tyrant fathers or mothers. The perverted desire for security makes the human victim choose tyrants as his "defenders". Their behavior for the victim will never be unexpected and therefore frightening. And therefore, it is comfortable. Genuine love, tenderness, kindness can frighten the victim.

Thus, very often a woman does not find the strength to part with her spouse or cohabitant. There are many reasons for this: material dependence, the inability to find housing, women's policy, cultural and historical traditions. Not the last place in this is occupied by myths that are shared by people around. Consider a number of myths about domestic violence.

Myth: Domestic violence is not a crime, but just a scandal - a family matter that should not be interfered with.

Domestic violence is a criminal offence. In many countries, lawyers and lawyers specializing in the defense of women's rights believe that domestic violence is one of the first places among all types of crime. There is responsibility for certain types of crimes: bodily harm, beatings, torture, rape, etc.

Myth: Insulting women takes place predominantly in the lower strata of society and among national minorities.

However, evidence suggests that wife beating is widespread across all social and economic groups. Women belonging to the middle and upper class try not to disclose their problems. They may also fear social hardship and guard their husband's career. Many believe that the respect their husbands enjoy in society will cast doubt on the believability of the beating stories. On the other hand, low-income women are deprived of such prejudices, so their problems are more visible.

Myth: Abused women are masochists and crazy.

Evidence suggests that few people enjoy being beaten or insulted. Women do not break off such relationships mainly because of economic dependence on a partner, because they are ashamed to tell someone about the violence and do not know where to turn for help, or because they are afraid of retribution in response to their actions. Sometimes society and family incline a woman to stay with her husband. Survival behavior is often misinterpreted as crazy.

Myth: Violence is directly related to alcoholism; only drunk men beat their wives.

Evidence suggests that a third of male abusers do not drink at all; many of them suffer from alcoholism but abuse their wives both when drunk and sober. And only a few men are almost always drunk. Alcohol removes inhibitions and makes beating acceptable and justifiable for some men.

Myth: Women deliberately provoke their torturers.

Evidence suggests that a society unwilling to attribute blame to the male perpetrator instead rationalizes and even justifies the abuse by portraying the victim as a grouchy and whining woman, while the perpetrator uses every slightest frustration or annoyance as an excuse for his actions.

Myth: If a wife wanted to, she could leave her abusive husband.

There are many reasons that prevent a woman from leaving the offender: ashamed to tell outsiders about what happened; it is terrible that the offender will become even more furious and violence will increase; housing problems; economic dependence; lack of support from friends and financial assistance; emotional attachment to her husband. Most often, there is a combination of reasons. The most dangerous period for a woman comes after she decides to leave the offender. In this situation, a man may become more aggressive in the face of the possibility of losing his "property".

Myth: Children need a father, even if he is aggressive, or "I stay only because of the children."

Without a doubt, children need a family that loves and supports them. But if, instead of love and understanding, a child encounters aggression and violence, then this increases anxiety and fatigue, gives rise to psychosomatic disorders and disorders in the psychological sphere.

Myth: A slap never really hurts.

Violence is cyclical and progressive. It can start with just criticism, moving on to humiliation, isolation, then to slaps, blows, regular beatings, and even death.

Thus, the myths diverge from the facts. Any man, whether he is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a psychopath or not, can be a rapist. In fact, many of them are in good control of themselves, go to prestigious jobs, are active in society, and have many friends (Mokhovikov, 2001).

The most common reasons why women suffering from domestic violence are unable to change their life situation are:

1) fear of leaving (a woman who dares to leave is sometimes exposed to mortal danger);

2) ignorance of one's own rights and opportunities;

3) housing problems (absence of real legislative measures guaranteeing the possibility of resettlement or exchange of a common apartment);

4) economic problems (the impossibility of maintaining material well-being alone, absolute economic dependence on her husband, lack of work, etc.).

Numerous false social attitudes regarding family and marriage also lead to indecision, such as:

- Divorce is a sign of a woman's defeat;

- violence is present in all families (only all family members seek to hide it);

- the family is a woman's destiny, and only a woman is responsible for what happens here;

- "without me, he will be lost";

- it is necessary to sacrifice oneself and endure everything for the sake of children;

- help is impossible to find - no one needs other people's problems.

Women are prevented from leaving the family not only by this, but also by the illusion that violence will never happen again. Unfortunately, in most cases this is not the case. Cycles of violence have three recurring stages, the duration of each stage and their frequency in each individual case is different. But these patterns always repeat with increasing strength and frequency (Menovshchikov, 2002).

The first phase, or the stage of increasing tension, is reduced to minor beatings, while tension between partners increases. Victims come out of this situation in various ways: they can deny the fact of the beating or minimize the meaning of violence ("It could be worse, it's just a bruise"). External factors affect the speed of transition to the next stage. Victims of abuse go to great lengths to control these factors—they even make excuses for partner and other abusers.

The second phase is characterized by serious beatings. The perpetrator is unable to control his destructive behavior and things become serious. The main difference between the second stage and the first is that here both parties are aware that the situation is out of control. Only one person can put an end to violence - the rapist himself. The behavior of the victim at this stage does not change anything.

The third stage, the honeymoon, is a period of extraordinary peace and love, attention, and even, in some cases, repentance. Rough treatment is replaced by gifts, good manners, assurances that violence will never happen again, pleas for forgiveness. The victim wants to believe that this nightmare will never happen again. During this period, partners note that a sincere feeling of love flared up again between them. However, since this relationship is destructive, the honeymoon stage ends with a transition to a phase of increasing tension in a new cycle of violence.

The American researcher of family violence L. McCloskey highlights the main reasons for its stabilization; in her opinion, they are entirely dependent on a woman who is not able to radically change the situation and break out of the vicious circle of such relationships, thereby saving both themselves and their loved ones from suffering. Often a woman, not understanding the origins of unmotivated cruelty, begins to blame or condemn herself, to look for the causes of violence in herself. Transferring blame from the perpetrator to the victim is called "judging the victim." Due to the complete economic dependence on her husband, the inability or unwillingness to work, the lack of a profession or education, because of the fear of a decrease in social status, many women are afraid of divorce and endure violence solely for the sake of material wealth. In such cases, women begin to voluntarily isolate themselves from people, fearing jealousy and demonstrating complete devotion and dedication, or ashamed of themselves and their family relationships. Sometimes there is also a conscious acceptance and expectation of violence from her husband, when a woman believes that a man, by his nature and social purpose, tends to insult his spouse and keep her in fear, and therefore it must be looked at “philosophically”, calmly.

There is no single theory that can comprehensively explain the various causes of domestic violence. Taking into account the complexity of human nature, the peculiarities of social interaction and the nature of the family as a social structure, it is necessary to take into account the diversity of families, the individual characteristics of their members and those social factors that, intertwined and combined, can give rise to violence.

A conflict that leads to violence can, using L. Kozer's term, be called "unrealistic" (Kozer, 2000). It is generated by aggressive impulses that seek a way out regardless of the object. The essence of such a conflict lies in self-expression, including affective one.

Modern civilization not only does not suppress, but, on the contrary, stimulates the manifestation of aggression and cultivates violence. Aggression could be fixed evolutionarily as an expedient survival instinct, protection from an external threat. But all human properties need external stimuli for their full manifestation. It has been reliably established that child abuse in the family not only gives rise to aggressive behavior towards other children, but also leads to violence and cruelty in adult life, turns physical aggression into a person's lifestyle. A high level of aggression determines the choice of appropriate forms of behavior, for example, in such a person, indicators of spontaneous reactive aggression and irritability increase. Often cruelty is not only emotional, it is also born on the basis of intellectual incapacity and fanaticism.

There is a set of character traits that have been identified in men who have beaten their girlfriends or wives; the last four characteristics almost unequivocally point to a propensity for violence. If a man has several of the following character traits (three or four), then the likelihood of physical abuse is quite high. In some cases, he may have only two of these characteristics, but they are expressed excessively (for example, the strongest jealousy, reaching the point of absurdity). At first, a man will explain his behavior as a manifestation of love and care, and this may flatter a woman; over time, this behavior becomes more cruel, it becomes a means of oppressing women (Menovshchikov, 2002).

Jealousy. At the very beginning of a relationship, a man always says that his jealousy is a sign of love. However, jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A man asks a woman who she is talking to on the phone, accuses her of flirting, gets angry when she spends time with friends or children. As jealousy grows, he calls her more and more during the day, begins to unexpectedly appear at home. He may try to forbid her from working for fear that she will meet another man at work, or even ask about the wife of her friends.

Control. At first, the man explains this behavior as a concern for safety, for a reasonable pastime, or for the need to make the right decisions. He gets angry if a woman comes home "late" after shopping or a business meeting. He asks her in detail about where she was, who she talked to. As such behavior intensifies, it may not allow a woman to make independent decisions about housekeeping, clothing, etc. He may hide money or even demand that she ask permission to leave the room or house.

Fast connection. Many women who have experienced domestic violence have met or known their future husbands or lovers for less than six months. He swoops in like a whirlwind, declaring "love at first sight", and flatters the woman, saying: "You are the only one I could tell this to", "I still have not loved anyone like you." He desperately needs a girlfriend and soon insists on an intimate relationship.

Unrealistic expectations. In this case, the man is extremely dependent on the woman in terms of satisfying his needs; he hopes that she will be an excellent wife, mother, lover, friend. For example, he says: “If you love me, then I am everything you need, and you are everything I need.” She is supposed to take care of his emotional state and everything in the house.

Others are to blame for his problems. When a problem arises, there will always be a culprit who made a man do wrong. He can blame the woman for all his failures and mistakes, saying that she annoys him, distracts him from his thoughts and interferes with his work. Ultimately, she is to blame for everything that does not happen the way he would like.

His feelings are generated by other people. Claiming: “You drive me crazy”, “You insult me ​​by doing not what I ask”, “You annoy me”, he is aware of his thoughts and feelings, but uses them to manipulate a woman.

Hypersensitivity. Such a vulnerable man will talk about his “offended” feelings, when in reality he himself behaves irresponsibly, he considers the slightest failure as the result of intrigues against him. He is ready to pompously and enthusiastically talk about injustice, which in fact is an integral part of the life of any person: it can be a request to go to work after hours, a fine, asking for help in household chores.

Rudeness towards animals or children. He severely punishes animals or is insensitive to their suffering or pain; he believes that the child is able to perform something that is clearly beyond his capabilities (say, punishing a two-year-old child who wets the crib), or teases children, younger brothers or sisters, bringing them to tears (60% of men who beat their wives beat as well as their children). He may demand that the children do not eat with him at the table or sit in their room while he is at home.

"Playful" use of force in sex. In bed, he likes to act out fantastic scenes where a woman is completely helpless. He makes it clear that the idea of ​​being raped turns him on. He may use anger and irritation to manipulate a woman into sexual contact. Or he may have sex while the woman is still asleep, or demand sex from her when she is tired or sick.

Word insult. He uses rude and offensive words that humiliate a woman, as if crossing out all her dignity. The man tells her that she is stupid and cannot do anything without him; the day can begin and end with such insults.

Rigid sexual roles. A man expects a woman to please him; he says that she should stay at home, obey him in everything - even if it concerns criminal acts. He wants to see a woman as a stupid being, unable to be a complete person without a man.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (a character in the short story "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" by R. L. Stevenson, in which Dr. Jekyll discovered a means that allows him to temporarily turn into a vicious, cruel person named Mr. Hyde). Many women are perplexed by the “sudden” change in their partner’s mood: now he is sweet and kind, and the next minute he explodes with rage, or he sparkles with happiness - and is immediately sad. This does not mean that he has special "mental problems" or that he is "crazy". Hot temper and a sharp change in mood are characteristic of men who beat their partners.

Cases of beatings in the past. A man can say that he beat women before, but it was they who forced him to do so. This can be heard from his relatives or ex-wife. In fact, such a man is ready to beat any woman.

The threat of violence. This includes any threat of physical force to control a woman's behavior: "I'll kill you"; "I'll break your neck." And although most men do not threaten their spouses, the rapist will justify his behavior by claiming that "everyone says so."

Breaking dishes, destruction of objects. This behavior may be an attempt to punish the woman (for example, by breaking her favorite thing), but much more often, a man needs to terrorize her in order to keep her in line. He can break a plate with his fist or throw anything at a woman. This is an important sign: only immature people break dishes (or break things) in the presence of others in order to threaten.

The use of force as an argument. The man holds the woman in submission, forces her out of the room, pushes and kicks her, and so on. In addition, he may try to isolate the woman, for example, forbid her to work, be friends with anyone, etc.

It is very important to be able to distinguish between all such signs in order to prevent or stop violence. There is another list of behavioral signs that indicate a person's propensity for violence:

A person is convinced of the correctness of stereotypes about violent relationships:

Traditional views on the role of a man in the family and society (i.e. he believes that only a man can be the "master in the house");

Aggressive with children or pets;

Shifts the blame for his actions to others;

Pathologically jealous;

Does not realize that aggressive behavior can have serious consequences;

Tries to isolate the woman from any activities outside the home or communication with other people;

Physically rude to a woman (pushing, pulling her sleeve, etc.);

Threatens to commit suicide if the woman tries to end the relationship.

The causes of physical violence can be conditionally divided into three groups (Platonova, Platonov, 2004):

1. Causes caused by the characteristics of the personality of a man and the history of his life.

2. Causes caused by the history of the woman's life and her personal characteristics.

3. Reasons due to the peculiarities of marital relations.

Each of them can become decisive, however, as a rule, a whole range of reasons leads to intra-family violence against women.

The most typical causes of violence, due to the personality of a man and the history of his life, include the following:

– model of parents – father beat mother;

- father and mother often beat a man in childhood;

- a traditional view of the position of women and men in the family (a man is an absolute

And the unquestioning head of the family);

- the belief that a woman has a need to be a victim and is unable to break off relations;

- a high level of anxiety and anxiety about their dominant position;

- constant use of alcohol;

– low level of self-awareness and self-control;

- inability to accept responsibility for the actions taken;

- a high level of stress due to economic and domestic reasons;

- a pronounced desire to harm another person;

- psychopathy, etc.

As can be seen, aggressive men often experienced violence towards themselves in childhood and observed the behavior of an older man who showed cruelty towards a woman. They often faced alcoholism, racism, class strife, and misogynistic behavior. Many of them did not have a chance to feel love and care in childhood.

But not all aggressive men fit into this category. Some of them are mentally ill and have no remorse for the violence, while others genuinely feel horrified by such behavior. Aggressors tend to justify their actions by claiming that they are victims of those they actually offend. Unfortunately, this belief is very often supported by many social institutions, such as the police, the court, the church, social and medical services (Kurasova, 1997; Safonova, Tsymbal, 1993).

Women's risk factors are also associated with an unfavorable life situation in the parental family. In addition, the following features are included:

- a high level of psychological dependence on a man;

- economic dependence on a man;

- a higher level of education of women in the family;

- the presence of a woman's physical disabilities (especially if they appeared in the process of living together);

- low self-esteem;

- insufficient sexual activity or illiteracy in this area.

Potential victims of violence also exhibit the following behavioral characteristics:

They are afraid of the temper of their partner;

Often give in to a partner, afraid to offend his feelings or cause anger;

Feel the desire to "save" a partner when he gets into an unpleasant or difficult situation;

They justify the mistreatment of the partner both in front of themselves and in front of others;

They tolerate when an irritated and angry partner beats them, pushes, shoves, etc .;

Make decisions regarding their actions or the actions of friends, based on the desire or reaction of the partner;

The partner is justified by the fact that he behaves in exactly the same way as his own father once did with his mother.

Violent marital relations are characterized by the following manifestations:

- conflict and constant quarrels;

- verbal aggression in the relationship of spouses;

- the struggle for power and dominance in the family;

– low socioeconomic status;

- Rigidity in the interaction and relationships of partners.

Women targeted by violence may experience:

Gradual decline in health as emotional, physical, and economic abuse intensifies;

Decreased self-esteem, loss of self-confidence;

Strong feelings of loneliness, shame and fear;

Constant stress and psychophysiological disorders;

Feelings of despair at not being able to solve the problem of domestic violence;

A growing sense of guilt due to the inability to cope with the problem on their own and aggression directed against themselves.

As a rule, physical violence against a woman is combined with sexual violence.

Sexual violence is the commission of sexual acts against the will of a partner, as well as coercion of a partner into unacceptable forms of sexual relations. Marital rape is a crime that is still not considered a crime. In many countries of the world, marriage, as it were, gives a man the unconditional right to have sexual relations with his wife and the right to use force in case of her refusal.

The types of sexual violence are presented in sufficient detail in the specialized literature (Antonyan, Tkachenko, 1993; Dvoryanchikov et al., 1997; Kurasova, 1997). Clinical manifestations of sexual violence against women include complaints of victims of chronic pain, psychogenic pain (pain due to diffuse trauma without visible manifestations); gynecological abnormalities, frequent infections of the genitourinary system (dyspareunia, pain in the pelvic region); frequent visits to doctors with vague complaints or symptoms without signs of physical ailment; chronic post-traumatic stress disorders; sleep and appetite disorder; fatigue, decreased concentration, etc. The psychological consequences of this form of violence include the following phenomena: decreased self-esteem; feelings of isolation and inability to cope; depressive states; suicidal tendencies; alcohol abuse, addiction to drugs, etc.

The possibility of sexual violence is determined not only by the personality of the man (the rapist), but also by the personality of the victim. Studies have revealed a generalized social portrait of such a man and the characteristic features of his biography: low level of education; dominant cold mother; negative perception of the father; lack of positive emotional connection with their parents; use by parents of undeserved punishments; increased level of libido; alcoholism; fear of women, due to violations of male identity.

Men of the “risk group” for sexual violence are characterized by the criminal culture of perceiving a woman as a household item necessary for “non-male” work. Very often, sexual violence is used against the backdrop of a man's unstable identity, as a means of asserting one's own masculinity to oneself.

Foreign specialists of women's crisis centers have summarized typical attitudes that limit the ability to help victims of domestic violence (Shvedova, 2000):

- fear of retribution if the rapist finds out that the woman told someone about the violence;

- shame and humiliation from what happened;

– thoughts that she deserved punishment;

- the desire to protect your partner;

- incomplete understanding of the situation;

- the belief that it is not necessary for a doctor or psychologist to know about violence, because he is very busy and should not waste his time on this;

- the belief that a doctor and a psychologist cannot help in this matter.

No less dangerous type of intra-family violence against women is psychological violence. Psychological violence manifests itself in the following forms:

1. Ignoring the psychological needs of a woman: security needs; the need to belong to a group (in all her actions and deeds, she should belong only to her husband); needs for cognition (prohibition on learning); needs for self-realization in the professional sphere (ban on work).

2. Insulation. This is a strict control over the sphere of communication of a woman, a ban on communication with work colleagues, friends, relatives, strict control over any interaction outside the home. In the event of divorce or resentment, the husband may forbid the wife to communicate with the children.

3. Constant threats: destruction of family space, interpersonal relationships, irony, ridicule, the desire to put a partner in an awkward situation and demonstrate it to others.

4. Creation of a family coalition as a result of the rejection of a woman.

5. Formation of a portrait of an unsuccessful, inept and insolvent mother in the eyes of children.

6. Rejection. Inability and unwillingness to show an attentive, affectionate, caring attitude towards a woman, which manifests itself in emotional coldness.

7. Manipulation of a woman (the use of information - false or true - to control a woman, etc.).

There are also causes of psychological violence, depending on the characteristics of the woman's personality. These include:

- the expressed suffering of the victim as a factor in reinforcing aggression;

– economic, psychological and emotional dependence;

- a higher level of education of women;

- low socio-economic status of women;

- the experience of perceiving oneself as a victim in the parental family;

– low level of self-esteem;

- a high degree of intra-family disagreements and conflicts between spouses;

- numerous stressful situations (unemployment, death of loved ones, hard and low-paid work, hostile actions of familiar people);

- Use of alcohol and drugs.

Studies have shown that in more than 8% of cases of intra-family violence, not only the personality of the woman, but also her social functions are subjected to insults. During a quarrel, a man, knowing the weaknesses of women, attacks the personal and professional dignity of a woman.

There are three common models for explaining the dynamics of the relationship of violence: the cycle of violence (L. Walker), the process of violence (Landenberger),

Model of power and control (Duluth model) (Kurasova, 1997; Safonova, Tsymbal, 1993).

Walker in 1984 analyzed the psychological and behavioral responses of abused women in terms of Seligman's "learned helplessness" theory. Based on numerous surveys, Walker developed a “cyclic theory of violence”, the three phases of which have already been described by us above (Walker, 2000).

Another model (Landerberger, 1989) is based on the study of the perception of violence, self-esteem in a situation of violence, as well as the influence of perception on choice in a relationship of violence. Women distinguish 4 phases: unification, patience, breakup, rehabilitation, which they went through as the meaning of violence, attitude towards a partner and towards oneself changed in their perception. During the bonding phase, when the relationship is still new and tinged with love, in response to the abuse, the woman redoubles her efforts to mend the relationship and prevent future abuse. She uses her intelligence and ingenuity to calm her partner. Over time, the ineffectiveness of trying to solve this problem becomes apparent, and the woman begins to doubt the strength of the relationship. In the second phase, the patience phase, the woman endures the abuse because of the positive aspects of the relationship and also because she feels herself, at least in part, responsible for the abuse. Although a woman may seek outside help, she does not disclose all the circumstances of the problem, as she is afraid of the consequences that threaten her safety, as well as the social status of her partner. In the breakup phase, a woman realizes that she is in a situation of violence and that she does not deserve such treatment.

The turning point occurs when a woman realizes the danger of the situation. As a woman tries to solve the problem of her residence and security, she may leave her partner and return to him several times. After some time, necessary for a reassessment of values ​​​​and successfully overcoming the obstacles that did not allow her to leave her former environment, the rehabilitation phase begins, during which the woman lives separately from the rapist.

In 1984, based on group interviews conducted with women who attended Duluth's Domestic Violence Program training courses, a framework was developed to describe the behavior of men who physically and emotionally abuse partners. Many women have criticized theories that describe violence as a cyclical event, rather than as an ever-present element of the relationship. In addition, they criticized theories that attributed violence to the inability of men to cope with stress. Based on the experiences of women survivors of domestic violence, a "model of power and control" was developed, also called the Duluth model. She describes violence as an integral part of behavior rather than as a series of independent incidents of violence or cyclical expressions of pent-up anger, frustration, or pain (Pence, 1993; Shepherd and Pence, 1999).

All of us often heard the phrase “My house is my fortress” in childhood, but as adults, we can’t always say the same about our house. Sadly, being close to the most seemingly close people is sometimes unsafe. Of course, one can argue for a long time that it is very bad to beat those who are weaker than you, but the problem of domestic violence, alas, is becoming more and more urgent. According to statistics, in every fourth family there are cases of domestic violence. Unfortunately, in our country they do not pay due attention to this issue, or even simply turn a blind eye to it, and only in large cities there are centers that help victims of domestic violence. In this article, we want to tell you how to identify a domestic tyrant and what to do if you are a victim of domestic violence.

Who is prone to domestic violence

People who are prone to violence, for the most part, are weak, with low self-esteem. Lowering others to his level, such a person tries to prove his superiority to them and to himself. Usually, “housemakers” are actually distinguished by a fair amount of self-doubt, but most importantly, they are most often those who themselves were abused in childhood. As adults, they, just like their older relatives once, throw out all the negativity on the members of their own family, humiliate them. That is why domestic violence is so prevalent these days.
- this is the inability to ask and correctly express one's opinion. An insecure person often does not even try to explain something to his wife or children, he immediately uses his fists. In addition, such people usually also lack the concepts of objectivity and merit, while the desire for leadership is very great, especially in dealing with those who cannot give them a worthy rebuff. After all, domestic violence is not only assault, but also humiliation, oppression and sexual violence. Often such aggressors themselves do not realize that they can cause serious harm to the health of another person, but at the same time they feel well who can be aggressed and who can not. As a rule, such a “domestic lawless person” is respected in society and is never suspected of anything.

How to recognize a domestic tyrant in a man

If you don't want to be a victim of domestic violence, you need to learn to recognize potential domestic tyrants before marriage. These are the traits that show that a man is capable of domestic violence.
Disrespectful behavior towards you.
Remember: if a man treats you disrespectfully, humiliates, makes fun of you in front of outsiders, then this is a sign that he simply does not put you in anything. This is fertile ground for violence. If you start to complain and say that you do not like this attitude, the next step for a man may be to increase control over you and the violence itself.
It may sound surprising to some readers of MirSovetov, but there is another side of disrespect - when a partner treats you like an expensive purchase and considers you completely perfect. Many women would like a man to worship them, but do not forget that in this case he does not see you, but his fantasy. And if you cease to correspond to his ideas, then he will most likely get angry and begin to be rude, to dissolve his hands. To be honest, if you compare the man who insults and humiliates his own, and the one who idealizes her, then the difference will not be that big. Indeed, in both of these situations, they do not see a person in a woman and do not respect her.
A man relentlessly controls you.
Constant control is the surest sign that a man can be a despot. But the excess of control is not always immediately recognized. After all, as a rule, at the first stage of a relationship, such behavior of a man is perceived as proof of his feelings for you. At first, he simply advises how you should dress and make up, what style of clothing to choose, then he begins to speak badly about your friends and relatives. Then his comments turn into demands, the failure to comply with which can provoke cruelty and rudeness.
The man is always jealous.
Some women like it when men are jealous of them, but jealousy is different. If a woman in front of her partner begins to flirt with another, then in this case, jealousy is fully justified. But if he is jealous for no reason and even comes to jealousy of girlfriends and friends, then you should be wary. After all, such jealousy suggests that a man is not confident in you or in himself.
is one of the signs that a man can become a domestic tyrant. Of course, if a man is jealous, but does not show it, there is nothing to fear, but if he often makes scandals for any reason, or even without it, you should think about it. Unfortunately, very often love is mistaken for nothing more than a sense of ownership.
If a gentleman constantly bothers you with calls asking where you are and what you are doing, or wants you to spend all your free time with him, this does not mean at all that he lacks communication with you. Most likely, he just wants to claim his rights to you. By the way, the same applies to women, because beautiful ladies also sometimes turn out to be real family dictators. Neither a woman nor a man are obliged to radically change their lives (unless, of course, they themselves do not want it) just to amuse their partner's pride and follow his lead.
A man will never admit his guilt.
If you notice that a man always blames someone else for any problems, but not himself, then this is a sure sign that soon he will blame only you for all problems. And yet, men of this type very often make false promises, and when they do not fulfill them, they always find thousands of reasons to justify themselves.
Here are a few more signs that you can identify a "domestic abuser":
- he abuses alcohol;
- he uses drugs;
- he sometimes forces you to have sex by force;
He has a negative attitude towards women in general.

Types of domestic violence

There are several main types of domestic violence: psychological, emotional, economic and sexual violence. Let's talk about them in more detail.
Psychological abuse- these are insults, blackmail, threats, intimidation, control over the life of the victim, coercion to any undesirable actions. This is the most common type of domestic violence. It should be noted that if other types of violence are easy to identify, then signs of psychological violence are rarely noticeable, but its consequences are very often extremely severe. In addition, it usually manifests itself in conjunction with other types of violence.
Often, the features of psychological violence can be traced in the treatment of parents with children: it can be a hostile attitude, indifference, humiliation, as a result of which there is a decrease in a child or adolescent. Over time, the little person becomes more confident that he is bad, worthless, undeserving of love and, in general, absolutely nothing of himself. Subsequently, such a child grows up with low self-esteem, self-doubt and many more complexes that he will take out already on his loved ones - his wife (husband) and children.
emotional abuse- this is constant criticism from the partner (too fat, stupid, poorly dressed, ugly, etc.), humiliation in public. For the purpose of manipulation, a man can deceive, embellish reality. The husband takes control, and in order to buy any change, the wife must always ask her husband's permission. A partner or husband forbids a woman to communicate with relatives and friends without his presence. He constantly inspires a woman that without him she is nobody and nothing. After a woman thinks of herself as a complete nonentity, a man can also use physical violence.
Physical violence- physical violence includes not only assault, but also slaps, slaps and kicks. If a man hit you at least once, do not believe in his repentance and promises that this will not happen again. After the first beating, radical measures must be taken, otherwise the beatings will be repeated more and more often, up to the death of the victim.
economic violence lies in the fact that one of the partners does not allow the other to work, manage the family budget, controls every purchase. In most cases, women and teenagers are subjected to such violence. A tyrant husband forbids his wife to go to work, takes all the expenses on himself, and when she becomes completely financially dependent on him, bullying, assault and blackmail are used.
sexual abuse- Forced sex against a woman's will. Sometimes abusive husbands force their wives to have sex after being beaten, watch pornographic films and repeat the actions of the characters.

How to deal with domestic violence

Very often, women tolerate domestic violence and do not complain about it to anyone, because they are afraid of condemnation from others. Usually victims of domestic violence think that they themselves deserved such treatment. Many are afraid of the instability that threatens them if they leave their husband.
Also a very important factor why women continue to live with family despots is the presence of children. There are very frequent cases when a husband who has money and power threatens that during a divorce the children will remain with him and the wife will never see them again.
If you decide to leave your tyrant husband, then you should develop an action plan in advance and make sure just in case:
If your husband or cohabitant beat you again, go to the hospital and record the fact of the beating. This will help later in the divorce.
Collect in advance the keys to the apartment, documents, necessary things and, if possible, money. Hide all this in a safe place, for example, with your parents or friends.
Don't threaten to leave. If you threaten, but do nothing, your husband simply will not take your words seriously, and you yourself will soon lose faith that you will be able to leave. If the husband believes in your intentions, then this can only get worse: who knows what steps he will take to "play ahead of the curve."
Find people in advance with whom you can live the first time. It is desirable that they are not familiar to your husband.
Do not leave the apartment without things and documents, otherwise after a while you will be forced to return to the aggressor, and the consequences of this may not be rosy.
If you have children, do everything possible so that they do not become victims of a domestic tyrant. If child abuse has already been committed, tell as many people as possible about it. Then they can become witnesses at the trial.
And the last thing I would like to say to the readers of MirSovetov, never hide the facts of domestic violence from relatives and friends. Know that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you are not to blame for what is happening. And remember that if a partner has used physical or sexual violence, then in 95% of cases this is not limited to one time. Do not believe his promises and oaths that this will not happen again. As much as you love your partner, take drastic action immediately after the first beating or sexual assault before it's too late.