Crises of family life: how to improve relations with family and friends. How to solve family problems without scandals
How to do this in each specific (and very typical) case was decided by a whole council of wise specialists. Take a closer look at the proposed situations: what if something about your life too? You will immediately know who is right, who is wrong and what to do.
Problem: mismatch of life rhythms
Anna, 24, and Anton, 30
Married 1 year, no children
Anton:"I am an owl. And it's not even that I can't wake up early. Rather, that I can't go to bed early, I like to stay awake well after midnight, this is my time, which no one will take away from me - because everyone is sleeping. And in this my wife and I are different: she likes to get up early in the morning and rattle dishes in the kitchen. The only thing we can agree on is that I will go to bed early, not at three, but at one, for example. Well, I’m also sometimes ready to set an alarm for eight, but when I go to bed late and get up early, I don’t get enough sleep. And when I don’t get enough sleep, I have a very, really very bad mood, I even understand it myself. So, we spend a lot of time together anyway, and I don’t see a problem in the fact that I go to bed a couple of hours later, and she wakes up earlier than me. It’s much worse when both her and my day are ruined by the fact that I couldn’t fall asleep immediately after “Good night, kids!”, But I had to get up with roosters - and on the wrong foot.
Anna:“I think that dividing people into owls and larks is just a cunning excuse for pathologically disorganized people. As a child, I lived in a city where the entire adult population worked at the factory - either from six or seven in the morning. And something I don’t remember that at least one of several thousand people said that he was an owl, and left everything. In my husband’s stupid mode, it’s not even the fact that we never fall asleep hugged and do not have breakfast together (I generally keep quiet about morning coffee in bed) that upsets me more, but the fact that he simply ruins his health. And hormonal, and all the others our systems are designed for the fact that a person should wake up at dawn, live a long busy day and fall asleep before midnight. Otherwise, early aging and health problems. I am offended: why am I leading a healthy lifestyle if my half is doing everything to quickly become a ruin and deprive me of joint old age?
Somnologist's opinion
Mikhail Poluektov, Head of the Department of Sleep Medicine, First Moscow State Medical University. I. M. Sechenova, Candidate of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor: “It is believed that certain genes are responsible for the chronotype (the scientific name for the morning or evening preference for activity). In simpler individuals like flies and mice, they have already been isolated; in relation to humans, the theory has not yet been proven. However, it is known that even skin cells of owl people and lark people that are in a test tube in a nutrient medium live in different modes, that is, this process is encoded at the cellular level. Therefore, on the one hand, Anton is absolutely right that he does not intend to go against nature. On the other hand, man is a social animal, and many biological functions are subject to certain rules set by society. It is known that in the conditions of a polar day or night, people continue to maintain their normal rhythm of life, since it is primarily due to social factors. So Anna and V. I. Lenin are no less right: “You cannot live in society and be free from society.” I think that the mutual affection of the spouses can act stronger than their chronotypes - they just have to agree on who will go over to which side.
Psychologist's opinion
Tatyana Mizinova, psychologist, psychoanalyst, candidate of sociological sciences, vice-president of the European Confederation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapies, director of the Persona Center for Psychological Support and Modern Psychoanalysis: “No matter how right Anna was that healthy sleep is extremely useful, if she continues in the same spirit, she will not see joint old age with her husband Their marriage will fall apart much sooner. The girl proceeds from attitudes that personally seem right to her, and absolutely does not want to take into account how her partner feels. And for Anton, a few late hours is the only opportunity to stay in the zone of personal space when no one intrudes there. The girl behaves very selfishly, and what is even more sad - after only a year of marriage, she speaks extremely unflatteringly about her husband and his habits. And if she really loves him and wants to save the family, she should think about changing her attitude and accepting the interests and needs of her husband. Ultimately, coffee in bed is brought only to beloved and understanding women, a drink on demand has a completely different taste.
Problem: different gender constitution
Eugene, 28, and Maria, 29
Together 3 years, no children
Maria:“I’m ready to confess: I don’t consider sex the most interesting joint activity of a man and a woman. That is, I certainly like it and even need it a couple of days a month, but I cannot say that I am always ready. This would not be a problem if I got a man with a similar sexual constitution. Eugene needs sex much more often, but another thing is worse: he is sure that I am just pretending. And - I can see it! - tries to come up with something like that to stir me up. And I, by the way, hate it when they put their hand in my shorts without warning. Is this supposed to excite me miraculously? Nothing like that: usually I quack with surprise and fill with rage.
Evgeniy:“There are a lot of statistics out there about how much sex a man should have. But I have always considered two statements to be true: sex must be; sex should be as much as you want. And so, when, after a year or so of being together, my woman began to hint that it was no longer necessary to have sex every day, as before, I was surprised and mentally spread my hands. This, of course, is not the meaning of the relationship, but it is far from the last thing in them. We even talked about it, but she gently insisted on her own: if I don’t want sex to be disgusting to her at all, then I should slow down. Forcing is not in my rules, but I don’t understand why I endure and wait. I love her, I want to be with her, but I have no idea how to live with this imposed abstinence.”
Psychologist's opinion
Tatyana Mizinova:“Unfortunately, according to the comments of Maria and Evgeny, it is clear that even attempts to come to an agreement in their pair are not being made. And it should. Eugene, for example, should think about why, after a couple of years of marriage, a woman lost her desire to frequent sexual contact with him. Perhaps work and household duties take away so much time and energy from Mary that she simply does not have the strength to be a passionate lover and she prefers the role of a caring wife? Is Eugene ready to trade a delicious dinner and ironed shirts for passionate nights? And if not, how can he help his wife? In Maria's description of exactly how her husband is trying to excite her, strong irritation is read. But such attacks are not at all what will improve her family life. In this situation, the couple must, overcoming embarrassment, talk about their desires and about what kind of sex each of them would like. And in the dialogue, look for an option acceptable to both.”
Opinion of a sexologist
Igor Ladanov, sexologist, certified psychotherapist: “It is possible to establish relationships, especially intimate ones, between adults only if both of them want it. But as a specialist, I would first of all suggest Maria to work on her perception of reality. The sexual constitution, alas, does not explain all the discrepancies between men and women. In this particular situation, I see rather a banal excuse of the girl and unwillingness to admit the problem in herself. The constitution, of course, determines our behavior, but it doesn’t affect sex in a couple so clearly, and in the absence of more serious internal problems, the difference in temperament evens out within a month or six months. If this did not happen, you need to look for roots clearly not in your own or someone else's temperament. I would recommend that the heroes of the story, on occasion, frankly discuss: what is important has left their relationship.(After all, according to the man, everything was in order with the intimate life before)? If you fail to find what you are looking for (and return it on your own or with the help of a therapist), and in the end it turns out that Maria really never considered sex the most interesting joint activity of a man and a woman (which is actually contrary to human nature), I would venture to suggest that the matter is some taboos and prohibitions. Or in the rejection and downplaying of her sexuality due to early childhood trauma, which the heroine received, most likely before the age of 12. And here remote advice is indispensable - such problems need to be solved only in person.
The Problem: Pedagogical Disagreements
Denis, 32, and Olga, 31
Married 5 years, raising daughter Anna, 2.5 years
Olga:“Who would have thought that a child would divide our couple into two unequal camps: in one, an angry mother, in the other, a kind father and a grateful daughter. Denis and Anya stand against me shoulder to shoulder. It’s understandable, everything is possible with dad: watermelon for breakfast, plus chocolate for dessert, then chocolate for lunch, and watermelon for dessert. You can stay awake during the day (“Well, she doesn’t want to!”), Suck the nose of Jack’s dog (“He even likes it”) and go to restaurants endlessly (“What else do we do when you are at work?”). As a result, “darling daddy”, and “mother is harmful and nasty”. And, in fact, one could accept such an unflattering assessment, if not for one thing: my still well-educated (mostly, alas, nanny) daughter gradually forgets that there is a word "must". I myself am not averse to pampering a child whom, like all modern working mothers, I don’t see so often, but I would like to do this without going beyond the bounds of reason. And, most importantly, not forgetting the sense of responsibility. How we will take her to school later, I have no idea yet.
Denis:“Of course, sometimes I go too far. I know. But when else to misbehave and live to the fullest, if not in childhood? Then all this bodyaga will begin: school-institute-work. And it will only be “need-need-need”. Let the child have a happy childhood, and not like ours, when we walked in formation from infancy. It won't disappear in the end."
Psychologist's opinion
Tatyana Mizinova:“Dad in this family takes an extremely infantile position: at 32, a man must understand the need for a small child to follow the regime and the consequences of such close contact with a dog. Daughter does not need going to restaurants either - they entertain dad. Denis, through the child, is trying to realize his childhood desires. There would be nothing wrong with that if he just bought the engine he once dreamed of, but in this situation everything has taken on hypertrophied forms. Daughter's Happy Childhood Doesn't Mean Daddy's Anarchy. A happy childhood is life in a friendly family with parents who understand and love each other. According to the text, it seemed to me that Olga devotes a lot of time to work (career) and, perhaps, her husband lacks her love and attention, so he tries (in a very pathological way, however, in a way) to compensate for this deficit through communication with her daughter. I believe that one of the options for getting out of the current conflict is in the hands of Olga: she needs to pay more attention to her family. Her arguments are very reasonable, and she is worried about the case, but she needs to find time to calmly discuss with her husband the same pedagogical concepts for both.
Teacher's opinion
Ludmila Gorodnicheva, educational psychologist, certified coach: “The whole problem is that children at a similar age cannot always build causal relationships between their mother's “should” and father's “can”, therefore, who indulges desires is a good parent. And it is at this age that children need to explain the reasons for adult decisions and teach them to think, otherwise you can get a consumer child. I would recommend parents to agree among themselves on what compromises both are ready to make for the sake of a unified system for raising their child. Just sit down and agree. Dad needs to explain the risks of his constant “you can” (probably, a psychologist or teacher will do this more convincingly, and not his wife). And the mother should think about how to explain her decisions to the child in a simple and accessible way and gently show why her requests should be fulfilled.
Problem: different attitude to money
Marina, 28, and Igor, 34
Together 4 years, no children
Igor:“I sincerely believe that postponing what is not there is not constructive. Don't spend less, but earn more. So far I'm not getting as much as I would like, but I'm working hard on it. Do I not deserve encouragement? Going to a concert of your favorite band, for example? My wife and I do not die of hunger, we dress decently, we travel about when we want. And it’s impossible to save up for an apartment in Moscow - at least I don’t know who needs to work to do it painlessly. If you put off pleasure for later, so the whole life will pass. Here's what you don't want. Alas, Marina and I seem to not hear each other on this issue.
Marina:“When we met Igor, I was trembling. Still: smart, well-mannered, adult, responsible. Well, that's what I thought about responsibility. It turned out not really. No, really everything suits me in this person: we love each other, I can rely on him. Everything but finances. Igor believes that since we do not earn millions, it is not worth trying to create an illusion, I quote. He prefers to live for his own pleasure, which for me can easily turn into such a nightmare: we wake up on Monday, another week before the salary, bread and peas at home. Zero on the card. So I always try to make stash. But this is also a vicious circle, because Igor stopped thinking about finances altogether. I have one, just in case. In general, I turn into a chainsaw when it comes to money, and this is the only thing that makes me sad.
Opinion of a financial expert
Anastasia Milkova, personal finance expert, author of the book “50 First Steps to Wealth” and the site obogatstve.ru: “Marina and Igor are both right, but both are partially. Therefore, their relationship should not be considered as a conflict. People complement each other and for the financial well-being of the family, it is enough for everyone to contribute: Marina will take care of savings, and Igor will maximize income. First of all, they need to create a financial airbag - insurance in case of an unforeseen event. The reserve should be equal to four to six monthly expenses, and this money should be accumulated as quickly as possible and not touched until special need. Having accumulated a “pillow”, you can return to your usual lifestyle: buy good clothes, have fun and travel. However, in the future, two rules will have to be strictly observed:
- Set aside at least 10% of your income. It is better to keep money in a bank on a deposit with interest. It is with these modest amounts that you will buy an apartment in the future, although now it seems ridiculous;
- maximize your income: become a better specialist or leader, open or expand your own business, develop, grow professionally.
Psychologist's opinion
Tatyana Mizinova:“On the one hand, I like Igor's creative approach: he wants and plans to earn more. And one of the most important conditions for this is a comfortable internal state of a person. Constant self-limitation in everything does not contribute to working capacity and does not help to achieve more. On the other hand, the situation when there is only "bread and peas" at home can hardly be considered normal, and Marina's desire to make stash is quite understandable. Although not optimal: in this way she takes full responsibility for getting the family out of the financial crisis and the companion does not feel the side effects of her wastefulness. I would recommend Marina try shock therapy - bring the situation to the point of absurdity, when there is REALLY no money at home. And there are no stash. Most likely, this will bring Igor back to reality (the pea diet is very conducive to this), and he will begin to be more rational about spending. And maybe even start earning more, not only in dreams.
Problems in the family inevitably arise in a joint life. Even in the strongest union, based on mutual love and respect, quarrels and conflicts often occur. When a loving couple decides to start their own family, people often have no idea what problems they will face later. They will have to master various social roles, take into account the interests of their soulmate. The problem as such does not mean that people have lost the thread that binds them. The problem always indicates the need to work on yourself and learn to understand a loved one. Social difficulties often force people to unite and make significant efforts to solve complex problems. It should always be remembered that the problem will not disappear by itself, it must be solved.
Causes of family problems
The causes of problems in the family are very different. Most often, they concern, are associated with financial difficulties or have a pronounced social orientation. The fact is that when entering into marriage, both men and women learn to accept each other's point of view. Problems on this ground are due to the infringement of one's own needs, the need to change, to adapt to the needs of a partner.
Mutual grievances
Any claims that arise between the spouses for one reason or another deprive them of moral strength, contribute to the formation of irritation. Mutual resentment is one of the most common causes of family problems.. These problems are usually caused by the difference in the characters of both spouses. The manifestation of the husband's individual traits is not always adequately perceived by the wife and vice versa. Over time, claims accumulate, they pass a certain limit of patience. As a result, trust is lost, and problems are not solved.
Constant difficulties
The modern family has to overcome significant problems associated with the distribution of the budget, the solution of the housing problem. All these problems can undermine inner strength, develop self-doubt. Many couples note that as soon as they manage to solve one problem, another immediately appears. Difficulties often lead to social and individual disorder of a person. Problems in the family should be resolved in a timely manner. Whatever the causes of problems in the family, they should not undermine faith in a loved one, spoil relationships.
Social problems of the family
The social problems of the family are difficulties associated with income, housing conditions, lack of a suitable comfortable environment for work. Social problems are strongly connected with the situation in the country, the economic situation.
Budget
Many social problems in the family could have been avoided if the spouses had always remained confident in their future. Social payments are sometimes so small that they do not allow to improve the financial situation. Most of the problems in the family are due to the need to constantly seek additional funds for the upbringing and education of children. The crisis, bankrupt enterprises also do not add optimism. The problem of insufficient budget provokes the formation of conflicts, misunderstandings, mutual recriminations. In such a situation, all family members want to feel some security from any social problems.
Availability of housing
The housing issue is perhaps the most painful among other social problems. Not every couple has the opportunity to live separately from their parents, not everyone can afford to rent a house. If young people do not own an apartment, they have a very difficult time. Some are forced to fall into mortgage bondage for many years, others work seven days a week in order to pay at least a room in a hostel. Such social problems lead to open conflicts. At some point, patience disappears, and claims break out.
Thus, problems in the family have their causes and consequences. It is important to try to solve them in time so as not to aggravate the situation.
This chapter does not consider the general issues of constructive problem solving discussed in previous chapters, but the solution of individual specific problems that we most often encounter in conflict couples. These problems may be due to the personal qualities of the spouses, the characteristics of their marriage, the dynamics of the development of marital relations, as well as a number of internal and external factors affecting marriage.
PERSONAL QUALITIES OF SPOUSES
The source of difficulties in family life may lie primarily in the personality traits of one or both spouses. We can talk about traits that initially corresponded to the norm, but were not quite adequate to the personal qualities of the partner, or the partner does not find the right approach to them, is not able to cope with certain features of his psyche. In addition, we can talk about pathological personality traits, which in themselves represent a problem in interpersonal relationships, and even more so in marital relationships.
Normal personality traits
When studying the personality of spouses, properties due to temperament deserve special attention, such polar traits as extraversion - introversion,
rationalism - romanticism, dominance - subordination, hostility - friendliness, rigidity - flexibility, irascibility - calmness, stability - lability, optimism - pessimism, activity - passivity, carelessness - responsibility, as well as the ability to social adaptation, mental balance and self-control.
The currently existing psychological methods with psychometric testing, unfortunately, do not give an unambiguous answer to the question of the influence of similarity (homogeny) or opposition and mutual complementarity (complementarity) of certain temperamental features on the harmony and success of marriage. It can be reasonably assumed.
Psychological factors of marital disharmony that in some cases of polarity homogeny has a positive effect (for example, in the case of extraversion - introversion), in others - complementarity (dominance - subordination), and in some cases only one of the polar properties is more beneficial for both partners (carelessness - responsibility, pedantry). Personality compatibility recommendations are usually very popular, although they are based more on clinical experience than on solid scientific evidence.
The peculiarities of the character of the spouses are evidenced by their attitude to work, people around them, property, to themselves and relatives. Important are the basic moral principles, interests, outlook, lifestyle, psychosocial maturity and scale of values. Some habits can also create problems, such as smoking one of the partners.
In marital therapy, the classical concepts of Hippocratic typology can also be used.
Choleric is characterized by increased excitability. He is active, self-confident, domineering, tends to dictate, impose his opinion; he protects his rights, seeks justice and truth in everything. He is easily irritated, raises his voice, breaks down. Such a person radiates energy, has strength and determination. This is a man of action, although his actions are largely reckless. For self-expression, he needs a society, an environment. Often he uncritically assesses the situation, too stubbornly insists on his own. Hot temper and dominance, a tendency to suppression easily lead to disputes and conflicts. He is recognized, BUT not loved.
The partner needs to be explained that it is not advisable for a choleric person to argue when he is excited. Objections will only increase his arousal and increase his immunity to reasonable arguments. At such moments, it is better not to challenge his opinion, but to wait until his excitement subsides and he calms down.
The phlegmatic reacts to everything slowly, not immediately. He is calm, less mobile, it is difficult to agitate him. Such a person is not irritated by failures or defeats, does not do anything extra, does everything slowly. He does not experience "great passions" and has no great claims; he is a sober realist, somewhat lazy, he is little attracted by high ideals and is quite satisfied with mediocrity. He rarely takes the initiative, works slowly; it takes a long time to stir him up, but he does his job persistently, thoroughly and well. He is not interested in social activities, but, on the other hand, he maintains even, non-conflict relations with most people.
The phlegmatic person brings stability and peace to the marital relationship. Having a phlegmatic spouse is, in principle, not bad. Although his slowness sometimes annoys the more temperamental partner, the latter gradually gets used to it. After all, if you want to find something, you have to be patient. The phlegmatic must be given time so that he can learn and digest everything.
The melancholic is serious, even sad. This is an indecisive, hesitant person, he lacks courage and impulse to act. He is often seized with doubts, he is easily vulnerable, fussy, restless, easily suggestible, unsure of himself, often feels a sense of his own inferiority; sometimes he is complex, it is difficult to understand him, he is closed, rarely shows initiative in society and feels insecure. The outside world often hurts a poorly protected melancholic, so he develops a tendency to be pessimistic. However, a melancholic person can have a rich inner world, capable of deep, stable feelings. In marriage, he often gets the role of the enslaved and deceived; he endures considerable suffering from the aggressive behavior of his partner.
Living with a melancholic makes serious demands on a partner. It requires self-control and delicacy, especially careful and tactful behavior. The melancholic must be thoroughly stirred up before he speaks of his feelings; it is necessary to try to enter into his position, help him overcome his pessimism and maintain faith in his own strength.
Sanguine is a lively, active and cheerful person who is dominated by a good mood, optimism and cheerfulness. Often he is not inclined to take his surroundings too seriously. His irritation does not last long, in life he rather notices its bright sides, he settles conflicts and grievances very quickly. Frivolous, doing too many things at the same time instead of doing at least some of them thoroughly. He loves society and entertainment, easily gets to know people and is a pleasant companion. He knows how to organize various entertainments well, and people enjoy being in his company. He is prone to inconstancy and superficial relationships, is less caring and less responsible, which can annoy a more serious marriage partner.
It is easy to live with a sanguine person, no special tactics of behavior are required. However, given his carefree image of I AND (NI), one should try to load him with family worries, but do not forget to observe the measure. Otherwise, in unpleasant situations, he may try to slip away and leave the house to where he is more pleasant and calmer.
Pathological personality traits
Some personality traits may be pathologically exaggerated, mainly at the expense of other traits. Depending on their intensity, as well as the difficulties they cause for their wearer or his environment, we distinguish between accentuated, anomalous and psychopathic properties. A detailed description of individual psychopathic personality traits can be found in all textbooks of psychiatry and special monographs. Pzak (1973, 1975) paid considerable attention to them when considering the problems of marital relations.
Here will be presented brief characteristics of those pathological personality types that most often contribute to the emergence of difficulties in marital relations. At the same time, we will focus on the attitude of the marriage partner towards them, while we will use accurate AND detailed descriptions of Plzak.
Asthenic and hypersensitive personality. For such a personality, some features of the normal mlancholic type are characteristic. One can speak of an asthenic personality in the case of the prevalence of general weakness, passivity, timidity and poor adaptation to life. One can speak of a hypersensitive personality when vulnerability, effeminacy and increased consolation to external stimuli predominate. Even small loads cause neurotic reactions in such persons, they do not withstand loads well. It is useless to try to influence them by force. Most often, they respond to this by crying, making it clear that they are offended and deceived, showing how unhappy they are.
For a partner’s day, it is important to learn to recognize when it is necessary to be especially attentive and delicate, to console and support (i.e., take his worries and problems on yourself), and when to be firm and uncompromising so that the asthenic does not start terrorizing the family with his asthenia. You can try to involve the asthenic individual in group psychotherapy and teach the skills of auto-training and self-hypnosis. A healthy partner needs to take a break from time to time from the demands that living together with an asthenic makes him. The same can be said about the hypersensitive personality.
Explosive personality. Such a person represents a pronounced type of choleric. Such individuals experience outbursts of anger, accompanied by gross insults, and often physical violence. In a state of anger, they beat their partner. The reasons that can irritate them are incommensurable with the intensity of manifestations. Scandals arise, as a rule, on a completely trifling matter, and not only at home, but also at work, with friends, in a store, in transport. An explosive personality is unable to control himself during an explosion of anger. After an outburst of anger, in some cases, such a person regrets his behavior, makes excuses, tries to make amends with his partner with various concessions and gifts. This anomaly is more common in men. Sometimes it is observed in the so-called epileptoid personality, which is characterized by the presence of organic symptoms.
Cohabitation with a hot-tempered person puts the marriage partner in a situation of recurring short-term threat. A chronic conflict situation arises when a healthy partner does not see manifestations of the disease in such outbreaks and reacts to them as ordinary bouts of anger that a person is able to cope with.
Reasoner. This is a disappointed, embittered, stubborn pessimist. Everything is wrong for him, he does not like anything, he finds some flaw in everything. Nothing brings him joy, and he easily spoils the good mood of others. The reasoner sees the world only in bleak colors; in his opinion, no one does good deeds, everyone around them does only stupid things. He scolds and criticizes others, shows intolerance and behaves as if everyone around him were scoundrels or fools.
Marriage with a reasoner can only be endured by a partner who is able, without paying attention to his presence, to realize himself in work, in caring for children, in contacts with friends and acquaintances, and in an active passion for some interesting business.
Pedant. This is a person distinguished by petty accuracy, excessive adherence to order. Problems in the family arise due to the fact that he demands the same qualities from others. A pedantic wife constantly seems to have a mess at home, so she constantly cleans and washes, corrects and checks something. For a pedantic husband, all things should lie in their places, he does not tolerate any interference in his carefully thought-out system. A pedant can evoke trust and respect, a sense of confidence, stability, but not admiration, joy or love. In its extreme manifestations, the psychopathic pedant terrorizes family members by forcing them to follow the strict order and schedule he has established. This causes rebuff, protest, tension in relations and a feeling of lack of freedom.
You can try to lead a partner to appreciate the undoubted advantages of a person's commitment to order and punctuality. We give the pedant a series of precisely formulated tasks, allowing him to realize his excessive love of order himself, but not to extend his demands to others.
schizoid personality. Such persons have a lack of ability to express their feelings, up to extreme emotional poverty, as well as isolation, lack of adequate contact with others, which is often associated with shyness, fearfulness and slight vulnerability. The schizoid may surprise others with his strange views, opinions, behavior, ineptitude and even detachment from practical life, largely abstract or overly complicated reasoning and unclear speech. The most active schizoid individuals are more likely to provoke those around them with their non-conformity, while the more passive ones usually shun society, avoid people due to increased vulnerability.
Schizoids, as a rule, remain lonely for a long time (if not always). The success of marriage mainly depends on the motivation and ability of the partner to adapt, on his ability to smooth out the manifestations of strangeness, impracticality, gloom of the schizoid personality.
Psychotherapeutic treatment in such situations can be generally regarded as a waste of time. Such persons must be isolated from society and family, since the heavy damage they cause is often irreparable.
hysterical personality. It is characterized by increased emotionality, vivid imagination, an increased need for the attention of others, the desire to demonstrate, dramatize, exaggerate, self-centeredness. Hysterical persons often experience discomfort associated with the existence of contradictions between their bright romantic ideas and dull, banal reality. They either go into the world of fantasy, or try to cause some excitement around them, to attract attention. They exaggerate, they invent, they act like on the stage of a theater. Sometimes they lose the line between fantasy and reality. The "game" in some cases can be held at a high level and arouse interest. It's hard to define
whether the hysterical person uses the sthenic method, attracts attention with at least such dramatic manifestations of weakness and dependence, or exaggerates his difficulties. The feelings of a hysteric are very unstable, he often goes from one extreme to another. Hysterical persons can be endlessly inspired and immediately after that "terribly unhappy." Then they often talk about suicide or try to commit suicide. Such attempts are not serious and have the character of emotional "blackmail".
It is often noted that hysterical psychopathy is, as it were, an extreme expression or caricature of normal femininity. The moderate hysterical manifestations observed in women are treated rather mildly in our society. In the eyes of some men, a slight hysteria even gives beautiful women a certain attraction (though until they become their wives). In the behavior of male hysterics, features uncharacteristic for men are noted - coquettishness, some effeminateness. Sometimes, on the contrary, hysteria in men is manifested by excessive emphasis on purely masculine features: excessive exaggeration of one's own strength, demonstration of heroic antics, or presenting oneself as an irresistible seducer and sexual giant.
There are passive, asthenic forms of hysteria, in which such properties and manifestations prevail as increased emotionality and flight into illness or a heightened perception of injustice, thoughts of suicide, as well as productive, sthenic, active forms, which are characterized by external, extravertive and aggressive manifestations.
In marriage, pronounced hysterical personalities, on the one hand, are "terribly dissatisfied" or "terribly unhappy", on the other hand, they emotionally suppress and oppress their partner. The hysterical woman, some time after marriage, has the feeling that she is no longer "loved enough", and she constantly craves proof of love.
A productive hysterical psychopath repeats her performances and scenes in the family, provokes violent quarrels, accompanied by sobs, with dramatic reconciliation. Her further "search for great love" takes place outside of a real marriage that deceived her expectations. Often such a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, because she cannot give herself to a person for whom she no longer feels love. Strong emotional experiences in a new marriage sooner or later lose their sharpness (and the new partner is also glad to "slug away" from such a restless, threatening marriage); everything is repeated, which makes such a woman an "eternal seeker of love." Asthenic, passive types usually do not remarry, although they experience suffering in a real marriage, and realize their romantic experiences in fantasies.
It is very difficult to lead a hysterical person to an understanding and a correct assessment of his own behavior. Communication with a doctor of the opposite sex during psychotherapeutic sessions can quickly cause manifestations of admiration and love, various hints that everything would be different with a doctor than with an insensitive, boring and uninteresting spouse. If the doctor does not support such a game, then the patient considers herself offended in her best feelings and ceases to cooperate in the sessions or goes on to aggressive attacks against him. With staff of the same sex, as a rule, competes. The greatest hope for success in correcting the behavior of such patients is provided by systematic group psychotherapy. At first, the patient is simply placed in a group where she can find some support, and then gradually receive from group members their assessment and opinion regarding her hysterical behavior.
It can be positive to work with a partner of such a hysterical person who needs support in order to endure hysterical outpourings without losing his peace of mind and health. He should be explained how he should behave in order to avoid family scenes. He must understand that a hysterical person simply requires attention, understanding and a certain assessment. If this requirement is implemented in an inadequate, dramatized, hysterical way, then such behavior should be ignored, otherwise the partner will encourage him. On the other hand, such a conversation allows you to somewhat calm the partner, which will allow him to pay more attention to the hysterical person, to better understand her, at least when her behavior is normal and quite adequate.
The following must be distinguished from manifestations of a hysterical personality (accented, abnormal or psychopathic):
a) a hysterical reaction, which is an emotional (or somatic) manifestation of a really emotionally intense situation that has arisen;
b) hysterical neurosis, which is a disease that has its beginning, development and completion. Hysterical neurosis is currently most often manifested by various somatic symptoms that are clearly associated with psychotraumatic factors and conflict situations, and sometimes have the character of a purposeful avoidance of solving any life problems.
Jealous personality. The jealous person lives in fear that his partner is unfaithful to him or, in any case, can cheat on him. These thoughts completely take possession of him, and he suspects his partner all the time, watches him, demands proof of fidelity. Evidence does not bring him peace, since fidelity, in principle, is quite difficult to prove. Starting with provocative questions and conversations, the jealous person gradually moves on to detective activities.
Jealousy can affect the real situation to varying degrees, its manifestations have different intensity and character. It can be situationally determined, a characteristic feature of the personality, or one of the manifestations of psychosis.
Situationally conditioned jealousy is caused by a real danger of a partner's betrayal, specific manifestations in his behavior that gave rise to suspicions. The threatened individual seeks to take certain measures to eliminate this danger. Manifestations of jealousy in such cases pass with the disappearance of the threatening situation.
When jealousy is a personality trait, the individual is characterized primarily by his willingness to express it. Jealousy is provoked by completely innocent reasons, is difficult to suppress and flares up again from time to time.
In some psychoses, especially paranoia, delusions of jealousy sometimes occur. These are obsessive ideas about a partner’s betrayal (or betrayals), which have no real basis and take on a completely absurd character (for example, that a partner behind the back of a jealous person gives secret signs calling for a love relationship) or leading to bizarre actions (for example, a jealous person glues hair to bedroom door or marks the position of the partner's shoes to determine if he sneaked out at night to his passions). The delirium of jealousy does not lend itself well to psychotherapy; additional treatment is required here; it is rarely effective in paranoia.
With situational conditioned jealousy and in the case when jealousy is a specific personality trait (psychopathic state of jealousy), it is advisable to bring the jealous person to the analysis of his own jealousy and try to “train” him; the training is to get used to the state of insecurity that is found in every marriage. Such “anti-jealous training” is most effective when carried out as part of group psychotherapy or group “courses for jealous people”. Plzak developed a technique designed for 10 such sessions, and also compiled the corresponding instruction for the jealous "Othello" (1972). The partner should not react to the attempts of the jealous to hunt down and control, he should not allow explanations and excuses. He must categorically suppress disputes over jealousy and conversations on topics related to it; he should switch the conversation to another subject or just leave. If a psychopathic jealous man is incorrigible and tyrannizes his partner, then there is only one way out - a timely divorce.
Alcohol addiction. We are talking about people whose dependence on alcohol has reached such a level at which it already represents a serious problem in terms of social relations and the weakening of mental and physical health. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that the alcoholic himself cannot stop drinking or at least reasonably limit the use of alcohol. He justifies his addiction to alcohol for a variety of reasons.
The development of alcohol dependence has 4 phases: initial, warning, decisive and final.
1. Initial phase. A person discovers that alcohol improves his mood, helps to get rid of fears and strengthens self-confidence. At first, he resorts to alcohol for this very purpose, but gradually gets used to it, the intervals between taking alcohol are reduced. He drinks quickly, especially when he starts, in order to reach a certain level of intoxication sooner; does not overdrink, drinks as much as he needs.
2. Warning phase. The drinker tends to constantly increase the dose, and he needs ever larger doses to achieve the desired mood. Drinking alcohol is becoming more frequent, and the reasons for this are becoming less and less important. Increasingly, there is a state of overdrinking.
3. Decisive phase. There is an addiction to alcohol. The drinker is no longer able to control himself, he cannot stop. Sometimes he drinks for several days in a row, often drinking too much. He declares himself “windows” of sober days, which he manages to spend on the background of week-long binges. There are problems with the environment. People condemn him, but he perceives this as an injustice and an additional reason for drinking. Often decides or promises to stop drinking or drink less, but fails to do so.
4. Final phase. With alcohol dependence, the individual can no longer live without alcohol. He has been forced to “pass a glass” in the morning in order to bring himself into working condition. Without alcohol, he feels bad, irritable, unable to concentrate, his hands are shaking, his head hurts. A small dose of alcohol corrects the condition. Tolerance to alcohol decreases, he gets drunk much faster than before, nothing stops him. All this leads to the disintegration of the individual, complete loss of ability to work, rupture of relations in society and in the family.
An alcohol addict is an individual who is in the 3rd or 4th phase of the development of alcohol dependence and is no longer able to independently cope with this addiction and the problems that it causes.
The term “drunkard” refers to individuals who are in the 1st or 2nd phase, who use alcohol to achieve the desired level of mood and are still able to control themselves. "Using alcohol" ("consumer") - a person who drinks from time to time, on the occasion of holidays or family celebrations; he never gets drunk and can quite do without alcohol. For reasons of principle, an "abstinent" completely refuses to drink alcoholic beverages.
An individual dependent on alcohol can no longer become a "drunkard" or "consumer". He is no longer able to drink in moderation and control his condition. This problem can be solved only by permanent withdrawal, which requires high-quality anti-alcohol treatment. After treatment, such a person, unlike “healthy” people, should never drink a single drop of alcohol.
Unlike the alcohol-addicted husband who prefers to drink in society (visiting like-minded friends at a pub or organizing drinks at home or at work), the drinking wife most often drinks alone at home, carefully hiding it. She is ashamed of her addiction, hiding bottles of alcohol in various hiding places. In a sober state, she blames, cries, promises to improve.
Individuals with alcohol dependence (both husbands and wives) often attribute their addiction to alcohol to family conflicts. In reality, the reason is, as a rule, different; Conflicts contribute to the strengthening of dependence and often arise on its basis. But whatever the reason, before starting a course of marital therapy, it is necessary to carry out anti-alcohol treatment. It is useless to try to achieve a balance in the relationship between spouses until abstinence is achieved. If an alcoholic does not want to be treated, the partner must present him with an ultimatum that excludes compromises: "If you do not go to treatment, I will have to get a divorce."
It is necessary to distinguish between problems that are really related to alcohol addiction and marital conflicts due to the increased reactivity of some wives, who are "allergically" sensitive to their husband's drunken behavior or the smell of alcohol. The doctor should talk to both partners, trying to get objective information. And if we are talking about alcoholism, then you should not demand complete abstinence from your husband.
At the end of the section devoted to the personal properties of spouses, we will consider the main issues in the framework of working with a married couple. Spouses answer two main groups of questions.
1. What aspects of my personality contribute to marital disharmony? What is my participation in
family conflicts? What can I do about it? What can I change about myself?
2. How can I best connect with my partner as they are? How to treat a partner who has these personality traits?
These are principles that can be used when working with one of the partners. Contrary to the patient's expectations, the analysis of his personality traits and those of his partner is mainly aimed at achieving an understanding of what he should change in himself (and never in his partner) and how he should adapt his behavior to the partner's behavior (and not vice versa). The doctor must convince the patient that these changes are within his power and must be done if he wants to achieve marital harmony.
We illustrate this principle with specific examples. A wife who complains about a jealous husband must be brought to an analysis of her own behavior - does she provoke his jealousy with some of her actions? If jealousy is a trait of his character, the wife should be led to the conclusion that it is impossible to change this character trait. It is necessary to teach her the right behavior with her husband so that his pathological behavioral traits bring her less suffering; for example, immediately stop tracking and interrogating her husband and not entering into disputes with him on topics related to jealousy.
A husband who complains about his wife's hysterical behavior should be discussed with the characteristic signs of hysteria, such as a need for increased attention, a tendency to dramatize, a decrease in control over emotional manifestations, etc. He should come to the conclusion that one cannot demand from his wife that she was different, it is impossible to remake her. He can think for himself what he should do, living with such
a woman, for example, not to allow herself to be drawn into the dramatic scenes that her wife arranges, to try to convince her or give in to her demands if she really lacks his attention. You can advise the husband to show his wife enough attention and even admiration if her behavior deserves it, and ignore her actions and claims when she exaggerates and clearly "overacts".
This reorientation of the patient's behavior is often a difficult and gradual process. You can not immediately begin active work with such a patient, so that he does not get the impression that the doctor does not understand him, otherwise he may stop cooperating. First of all, you need to give him the opportunity to speak out and show understanding of his problems. This is the only way to bring the patient to the realization of his own participation in the creation of a problem or conflict situation and the need to change his behavior as the only (in most cases) solution that allows him to count on success.
Exceptions are cases of alcohol dependence, acute psychoses or criminal behavior of a partner, when our assistance to the client can be expressed, for example, in the direction of a partner for compulsory treatment or in facilitating his administrative prosecution and criminal punishment. You can't constantly adjust to the behavior of some severe psychopaths; in such cases, we assist the client in obtaining a divorce. However, it is also impossible to take the statements and versions of the client on faith - it is necessary to examine his partner and obtain objective data about him.
MARRIAGE UNION
When marital therapy explores the marital union as a source of problems for a couple, it is necessary first of all to think about what brought the spouses together and up to the present moment maintains their marriage. We explore how the initial expectations are realized, what factors determine them, and on what principles marital relations are built at the present time.
Partner selection
Interpersonal attractiveness is supported by factors that are of particular value to this or that individual or give him certain hopes that social contact with this partner will be favorable.
A number of theories explaining the principles of mate selection, such as Winchov's complementarity theory, Coombs' monogamy value theory, and Kerckhoff-Davies' filter theory, are reflected to some extent in Murstein's (1976) complex theory. According to this theory, there are three factors, three forces of attraction, at work in selection; motivation, dignity and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their value in each phase changes. What passes through the first filter passes into the next phase.
In the first phase (motivation), such factors as external attractiveness and demeanor play a significant role. It is also important how these characteristics are evaluated by others. The meaning of a drive is thus relative within a given situation.
In the second phase (dignity), the center of gravity shifts in a beer way to the area of similarity of interests, points of view, and the scale of values. Partners at the meeting get to know each other, receive information about the interests, the scale of values of each of them. If significant discrepancies are revealed here and the detected shortcomings are not compensated by any advantages, the partners disperse, believing that they are not suitable for each other.
In the third phase, first of all, the compatibility of roles is assessed. Partners determine whether they can assume complementary roles in the marriage that will allow them to meet their needs. At the same time, both the similarity of characters and inclinations (for example, extraversion or introversion, the same need for sexual intercourse, etc.) and the opposite of complementary traits (for example, the need for dominance and subordination, the desire of one to take care of the other, etc.) are evaluated.
In all phases, the principle of "commensurability of exchange" applies. Equilibrium is achieved only when the exchange is equal in terms of partners. For example, an outwardly not very attractive man can propose to a more attractive girl, giving her a stable financial position in return. An ugly girl can attract a handsome man with her caring, sexual sophistication, her ability to admire him or be obedient.
Expectations and marital agreement
The source of problems is often unfulfilled expectations, which can be partly conscious and formulated, partly conscious, but not discussed with a partner, and partly unconscious. In this direction, one can use the concept of Sager) and Martin, according to which the essence of marital therapy lies in the study of the marital agreement (contract). Spouses should understand, formulate and write down what they expect from each other in marriage. Under the doctor's supervision, ambiguous and mutually exclusive elements in individual draft agreements are identified, attempts are made to develop a joint agreement acceptable to both partners, in which the rights and obligations of each will be clearly articulated.
Determinants of marriage taken from family of origin
In order to help spouses with marital problems, it is necessary to find out what some of their expectations are based on. For this purpose, the marriage of their parents, brothers or sisters is considered with them.
Based on a concept that might be called the concept of duplication of parental properties, the individual learns the male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use the parental relationship model in his family, whether he likes them or not. An important point is dominance in the family (which of the parents "commanded" and who obeyed). For a more accurate assessment, it is advisable to use the Leary interpersonal test. When testing, you should evaluate yourself, your parents, partner, state your requirements and describe the ideal partner, calculate integral scores and present the results in graphical form, as recommended by Mellan.
Sipova, after testing (Leary's test) 239 prosperous married couples, found the presence of similar characterological models in both spouses - a dominant, authoritarian, self-confident, but at the same time an affable father and an affectionate mother who enjoys trust and respect in the family. The husband identifies himself with his father, the wife with her mother (Fig. 2). Wives rate their husbands on the axes of dominance and affability (as well as their fathers), husbands rate their wives the same way they rate their mothers. Husbands evaluate themselves as a whole correctly; there are minor differences between self-assessment and partner's assessment. Among those 650 couples who attended counseling, the indicators are different: there are significant differences between self-esteem and partner assessment (as a rule, the partner considers the other more hostile and dominant than he evaluates himself). In addition, partners are markedly different from their parents (not only from the parent of the opposite sex, but also from the parent of the same sex).
)
Rice. 2. Self-assessment and assessment of their parents on the Leary test.
The continuous line ends at the level of the average score of the father, the broken line - the mother. Dark triangles - husbands from calm families (n=239); dark circles - wives from quiet families (n=239); light triangles - husbands from conflict families (n=650); light circles-wives from conflict families (n=650).
According to Sipova, the doctor would have to lead the patient to accept the role assigned to him by the parent of the same sex, of course, taking into account the wishes of the partners and the nature (style) of their relationship. However, it is advisable to lead a married couple to a compromise model of living together that optimally approximates the model of their parents' relationship.
Terman's comparative studies of relationships in prosperous and conflicting married couples have confirmed that the balance of relationships is significantly influenced by a favorable model of parental marriage, good relations between father and mother, and a happy childhood. Balanced spouses were calm even in childhood, they were rarely punished, more often caressed, they were more openly talked about sex issues.
The concept of duplication of the properties of brothers and sisters Toman (1976), according to which the individual seeks to realize his relationship to brothers and sisters in new social ties. More stable and successful marriages are observed in cases where relationships between partners are built on exactly this principle, of course, taking into account gender. In this sense, marital relations can be fully complementary (the husband had a younger sister and the wife an older brother) or partially complementary (both had older brothers or sisters, of which at least one is identical to either spouse). In non-complementary marriages, there is a relationship with the order of the child in the parental family (for example, both partners were the oldest among the children) or with gender (one partner or both had only brothers or only sisters, in addition to brothers or sisters of the same sex). A special place is occupied by children who have neither brother nor sister; they had only one model in the family - parental marriage.
Based on this kind of data, it is possible to graphically, in the form of a family map, present the factors influencing marriage (Fig. 3).
In the middle part of the drawing, the husband is indicated by a triangle, the wife is indicated by a circle to the right of him, the numbers inside are their ages. The connecting line between them shows the nature of the marital relationship at the present time. Below, with the help of similar geometric symbols, their children are depicted, and the connecting lines characterize the type of connections. In the upper part of the figure, above each spouse, their parents and the nature of the relationship between them are indicated, with an arrow pointing up corresponding to dominance, and an arrow pointing down to subordination. Under the symbols denoting parents, their children are shown, the position of each of the spouses between them is marked by a dark triangle or circle. Above the symbols of the spouses, the serial number of the marriage of each of them is indicated, and the numbers next to it indicate the degree of emotional dependence on the partner (in accordance with the Plzak scale, which will be discussed below).
On fig. Figure 3 shows an example of a family map: a 29-year-old husband and a 25-year-old wife, both in their first marriage. The couple have 2 children, who are generally treated positively, although the husband is colder towards the girl. However, their marriage is contentious. In the family of the husband's parents, the dominant position was occupied by the mother; with his father, her first husband, the mother did not get along, had conflicts on the basis of headship in the family. Her second husband is submissive by nature.
My husband has sisters (older and younger). In the wife's family, the dominant position was occupied by the mother, while she herself was the eldest among the children.
The scheme gives some information about the possibility of problems in the family; it can be guided in choosing the direction of therapeutic interventions. The role of the husband was not sufficiently defined in childhood. It is assumed that he sympathized with his father, who challenged his mother for the dominant position in the family. However, in this struggle, the father lost and was forced to part ways with his mother. Perhaps the patient did not like the weak character of his stepfather, who obeyed his mother. He always perceived his mother as a decisive woman who occupied a dominant position in the family. In a related constellation, he had an older sister, which corresponds to the same "program", but he also had a younger sister, over whom he could "take over".
The role of the wife, who comes from a matriarchal family, where she was also the eldest child, was well defined in childhood, and it is difficult to change it. Therefore, consent between spouses can be achieved if the husband takes a subordinate position in relation to his wife (that is, what he saw in his mother's family) and accepts the orders of his power-hungry wife without protest. If he tries to lead and command, conflicts will inevitably arise in the family.
The above reasoning may give the impression that a marriage is conflict (in terms of dominance) only when both spouses claim a dominant role in the family, or calm, fertile, cooperative-asymmetric (patriarchal or matriarchal type) only if one of the spouses willingly takes the lead, and the other just as willingly obeys. However, this is not quite true. Currently, the predominant model is a cooperative-symmetrical marriage. In such a marriage, the spouses interact on the basis of equality, the disagreements and problems that arise are resolved at the level of mutual agreements, through compromises. Equilibrium can also be achieved through a clear division of spheres of influence. Children who come from such families may tend to use a similar relationship model in their marriage. Apparently, the formation of this model is influenced not only by examples of parental relationships, but also by the prevailing social position of the spouses.
Marriage profiles
In describing the theory of dynamic marital therapy, seven behavior profiles in marriage have already been mentioned. Combinations that can lead to problems in married life include the following: when both partners belong to the "parent" or "child" type; one partner of the "parent" or "child" type, the other of the independent type; one partner of a romantic type, the other of an equal, rational, independent or "childish" type. The marriage of romantic partners is a tense and unstable union, as romantic relationships gradually fade over time and both partners may begin to look for them in other relationships outside of marriage.
Martin, Berman, Lief pay attention to the presence of pathological elements in the following combinations: a) the wife belongs to the romantic-hysterical type and suffers from a lack of attention and affection, and the husband is cold, has a psychasthenic temperament; b) the husband is looking for a mother in his wife who would constantly take care of him; c) both partners of dependent type; d) both partners (or one of them) with a paranoid psyche.
Marriages in which one of the partners (most often the wife) has pronounced hysterical behavior are referred to by some authors as hysterical marriages. The partners of hysterical women can, according to Planava, be subdivided into hysterophilic and hysteriform.
A hysterical husband is the type of partner that attracts hysterical women; in the future, he himself stops his choice on one of them. Usually this is a calm, well-adapted, silent and not too emotional person. Plzak designates this type as SPV - weak, decent and loyal. A hysteric, as a rule, who has already experienced a fleeting dramatic love with an attractive and dynamic man, is looking for a balanced and reliable person. He is also attracted by her liveliness, emotionality, the opportunity to enrich, brighten her dull life. After the idealization of the partner disappears, naturally, deep mutual disappointment sets in. The husband ceases to impress his wife, she feels misunderstood, emotionally unsatisfied, as a result of which she tries to provoke a scandal or attacks. Heightened emotionality, dramatization and such inconsiderate behavior of the wife tire the husband.
The hysterical husband behaves in such a way that he causes and maintains the hysteria of his wife, who initially might not have expressed hysterical features. The husband has a tendency to philosophize in situations requiring decisive action, usually he remains indifferent to his wife's attempts to involve him in joint activities, is ironic or hostile, until his wife's aggressive or hysterical behavior forces him to cooperative behavior .. Such a husband may also have traits of a pedant and schizoid layers with pronounced sensual coldness. In some situations, he resembles a hysterical husband. However, it is important that the wife can count on the fulfillment of her desires or demands and obtain cooperation from her husband only if she throws him a tantrum. Thus, such behavior is reinforced and fixed.
The classification of marriage into symmetrical, complementary and metacomplementary proposed by Haley is well known. In a symmetrical marriage, both spouses have equal rights, neither of them is subordinate to the other. Problems are solved by agreement, exchange (so-and-so), or by compromise. In a complementary marriage, one orders, gives orders, the other obeys, awaits advice or instructions. In a meta-complementary marriage, the leading position is reached by a partner who realizes his own goals by emphasizing his weakness, inexperience, ineptness and impotence, thus manipulating his partner.
The classification proposed by Satir includes typical patterns of communicative attitude towards infidelity. Their typical representatives include the following: a) the accuser, who in the author's symbolism can be represented as a "statue with a pointing finger"; b) a conciliator (“a statue of a sinner with his head bowed”); c) a cold rationalist or a hot "arithmometer" ("a straightened figure with a raised head"); d) an intruder and a "distractor" who ignores eternal topics and problems and always starts an empty conversation only about current events, about the momentary, often in a funny or even funny, clown form.
Wile gives 3 types of partnerships, which he clearly distinguishes using the criteria for assessing the reaction to conflicts.
1. Mutual evasion. Both partners shy away from active discussion, remain silent, turn away, feel injustice, but do not express their concern and resentment to each other.
2. Mutual accusation. Partners openly show their irritation, anxiety, dissatisfaction, emphasizing their demands, which often leads to destructive quarrels.
3. Demand and evasion. One of the partners actively responds to circumstances and seeks to get closer to the other, puts forward demands, arguing them, or makes complaints, the other one moves away, keeps silent, avoids rapprochement. Pursuit, onslaught and evasion are mutually potentiated: the more one evades, the more the other tends to approach him and vice versa.
T. M. Mishina also identifies 3 types of violations of marital relations, of which the first two are almost identical to those proposed by Wile:
1) isolation - partners experience emotional alienation;
2) rivalry - comes to open bickering and disputes;
3) pseudo-cooperation - one of the partners, for example, agrees with something, although he internally disagrees (this looks like cooperation and agreement).
Pizak introduced into practice the concept of "emotional dependence of partners on marriage." For each partner, it is evaluated on a five-point scale. Depending on the magnitude of the differences between partners, a marriage can be assessed as asymmetric or symmetrical, and, taking into account the degree of dependence, as favorable, doomed to failure, or disastrous. Dependence for each partner is determined by the consequences that a divorce will entail, taking into account not only the sexual and economic aspects, but also the possibility of finding another, more suitable partner. One of the essential elements in the formation of such dependence in accordance with the concept of the author is the attractiveness of the partner. For a woman it is beauty, charm, typically feminine behavior, languor, tenderness, for a man it is intelligence, charm, wit, sociability, masculinity, social recognition and only partly beauty. With a score of 3 points, the dependence is considered significant. Problems arise if one or both partners have an excessively high dependence - 4 or 5 points. If excessive dependence is observed in only one partner, then, in accordance with the proposed classification, the marriage is classified as “doomed to failure”, and in case of bilateral dependence, it is classified as “disastrous”.
An overly dependent partner, as a rule, seeks to obtain proof of love from another, cause jealousy, provoke disputes and quarrels, and draw children into conflict. Often he suffers from neurotic disorders, seizures, often cries, threatens suicide and becomes more and more repulsive for his less dependent partner, and finally makes him want to leave the family. An overly dependent partner should be isolated from the family for some time and treated separately. He is forbidden to talk about the family and any actions in which his high dependence on marriage is manifested. According to Plzak's data, high emotional dependence may eventually disappear, for example, when emotional resources are completely exhausted, or if his partner loses his value for him, some part of his merits. However, an asymmetric, doomed to failure marriage can be turned into a symmetrical one by correct and timely correction. It is helpful for the dependent partner to learn the benefits of being independent and to do everything in their power to keep the independent partner from leaving the family. We would formulate this tactic as follows: an overly dependent partner must actually recognize his dependence and act in accordance with this. He must make it desirable for his independent partner to continue the marriage through various positive reinforcements. Our experience shows that systematic group psychotherapy in most cases can reduce such dependence, mainly by maintaining the patient's feelings dignity and reinforcing their importance in various areas of activity outside the family.
Emotional independence and dependence on marriage, in the sense that Plzak gives them, should be distinguished from dominance and submission or independence and dependence as personality traits that are revealed using the Leary test. The concepts are similar, but their essence is completely different. A dominant, authoritarian, and usually independent person can live equally well in a state of complete independence and be deeply dependent on a particular emotional connection. In a marriage that preserves his emotional independence, such an individual will intelligently lead a partner, care for him, or vigorously refuse the unacceptable. In a marriage on which he is dependent, he will use force to coerce the partner into the manifestation of the dependence and fidelity he desires. Similarly, a submissive, influenceable, and usually dependent person in a marriage from which she is emotionally independent may willingly obey, comply with demands and refuse any guidance, but in a marriage on which she is dependent, the picture will be completely different. - requests, tears, demands or the threat of suicide in order to keep a partner.
Above were useful information about the determinants and types of marital relations, allowing us to better understand the essence of marriage and see it from different angles. Based on relationship analysis in marital therapy, we lead couples to answer the following questions.
1. What is the basis of their marriage? What are their mutual expectations, patterns and stereotypes drawn from past experiences, and what is the current profile of their marriage?
2. What and how can be changed in their marriage, expectations, requirements, in the arrangement? To what and how should one adapt?
2.5. Love
In modern works on the problems of marital relations and marital therapy, we almost never encounter the concept of "love". What it means in fiction (Tables 1, 2 and 3) sometimes appears under other names.
Table 1. Love in world poetry
Love for you is yourself
And heaven and hell, and day and night,
Fire and ashes light smoke,
Fading away, drifting away.
Love for you is a deer run,
Water flowing from fingers
You are a lake, but I cannot quench my thirst,
I will die of thirst by the water, by the lake without shores.
My love for you is a spring
A jet boiling from the bottom
Like a squirrel that plays in the forest
In a deadly jump woven.
Burn and be saved again
Lose you, barely found
Fall asleep afraid so that in a dream
Not to be a moment without you.
To be smitten with just one word
accidentally said by you
Doubt a hundred times
What does your involuntary gesture mean.
My suffering is constant
I want to love you so much
The heart can't calm down
Trembles again, I do not forget.
Love is a universe without end
Nothing to cover her
Where is the measure to take to measure it,
To measure means not to love.
No, I have no right to part
To grieve in separation,
After all, I am your throne, I am a rod in your hand,
Your love will always be with me.
(Louis Aragon)
Table 2. Love in contemporary Czech poetry
What is love for you?
Evening fireworks and celebration,
Noisy carousel running,
Flight and head whirling?
Then love, like a scorched phoenix,
Will fall on a dimmed world,
Your world, which is so close to you.
And for me, love is a shelter from storms,
Raincoat and bad weather
Keeper of the mysteries of nature.
And for me love is like bread and salt,
A glass of spring water,
In which with a generous hand you threw
wish crystal,
Drink that makes me wonderful
Keeps before weekdays.
(Yarmila Urbanova, "Love in 10 pets")
Table 3. Love in prose works
Watched her in the store. She stood in front of the mirror, small, strong, ugly. Her new coat came down to her ankles, with only the tips of her fingers sticking out of the sleeves. She looked unsure and very vulnerable.
“It suits you,” the old man repeated several times already, walking around her. He carefully straightened the crease, removed the invisible fluff from his shoulder. “Hem it a little,” he advised, “and it will be very good ...”.
The mirror attracted a tall interesting blonde. She tried on costumes of various colors, twisted and leaned in different directions from behind the backs of those two.
“Oh,” the saleswoman hissed through her teeth, impatiently raising her eyes to the ceiling while the two of them were still standing by the mirror.
“I can’t do this, I’m so small,” the old woman said guiltily and turned her flushed face to the saleswoman, then looked at her husband. She wanted to be a little better in his eyes. The old man gave an old coat to be wrapped. "It's cold," he remarked as he paid.
I completely forgot why I came to the store. He followed them, drawn by some obscure force. The old man, holding his wife by the fingertips that protruded from her long sleeve, led her down the street. I followed them for a long time, imperceptibly, but stubbornly, without saying a word.
(Josef Zelenka, "Love")
The Fanta study showed that the most common factor of family troubles in patients of family consultations is “sensual discord of spouses”, later formulated as “sensual alienation”, which to some extent corresponds to the loss of mutual love. Prokopec, Dytrych, Schuller recommend distinguishing among the factors contributing to divorce, such as "disruption of ties in the emotional sphere" and "differences in mutual
phenomena of tenderness and feelings”, which were observed in a sample of 1000 divorcing couples in 1977-1978. 46% of husbands and 56% of wives.
The need for constant evidence of love remains with wives almost throughout their entire family life. The wife craves manifestations of feelings and tenderness, needs constant attention and interest in her, which can be perceived by the husband as mere trifles (flowers, an invitation to the theater, help around the house, caring for children). Men should be aware of this, as they are often limited to purely material concerns, forgetting about spiritual values, which makes their wives not completely happy.
Meanwhile, Zh. Prokopets et al. recommend that husbands, as can be seen from the above passage, fulfill the wishes of their wives. Other authors consider such spiritual requests in a long-term marriage to be “non-adaptive requirements”, rudiments of the romantic phase of marriage and recommend getting rid of them as manifestations of the initial phase of a breakup and emotional enslavement of a partner. Plzak warns that marital therapy should focus on improving the emotional bonds of partners. Apparently, this is hardly possible. The real purpose of assistance may be to convince the partner that the level and intensity of emotional distress are not factors influencing divorce. The demands of manifestations of feelings, spontaneous in nature, are fraught with a certain risk of disgust.
PaVek speaks of "the depth of sensual connection" as one of the pillars of marriage, but at present this concept requires further discussion and clarification.
Some psychologists have tried to formulate the concept of "love" more precisely, to develop a classification and a scientific approach to the study of this phenomenon.
Love is indeed an exceptionally important positive feeling. Rubin speaks of love as "a certain relation of one individual to another, which includes both thoughts and actions." The characteristics of this ratio are included in the test developed by the author; each characteristic is evaluated on a nine-point scale. The test provides for three main aspects of love: the need for acceptance of love and dependence; propensity to provide assistance, manifestation of care; orientation to exclusivity and preoccupation with feeling.
The need to accept love and dependence is illustrated, for example, by such statements of partners: “If I could never be together with X, I would feel terrible”, “It would be very difficult for me without Y”.
Desire to help: “If X felt bad, my first wish would be to help him get back in a good mood,” “I would do anything for Y.”
Exclusivity and absorption: "I treat X like myself", "I feel like I can trust Y with everything."
Maslow distinguishes between love, which reflects an altruistic attitude towards a partner, which consists in selfless help to him, joy in his success, and love, in which, first of all, it is about satisfying one's own needs.
Fromm considers love as a skill, a feeling and an act of will: "love must be learned, gradually master its theory and practice." Mature love is one of the most important human emotions, meaning unity in individual actions. Love is an active force characterized by concern for the other person, openness, respect and understanding of the loved one. "Erotic love, in order to be truly love, must be based on the following premise: one must love from one's own essence and experience from the other's essence." Love must first of all be an act of will. Love is not only a feeling, it is also a decision, a judgment, and a vow.
As noted in various studies mentioned by Shope, signs of love are admiration for the partner’s virtues and neglect of his mistakes and shortcomings, natural unity in giving and bestowal, the desire to give the beloved being more than others, mutual emotional dependence, the desire for spiritual and bodily intimacy, openness , a strong desire to merge with a beloved being into a single whole, tolerance towards each other, tenderness, patience, affection and forgiveness.
According to Liberman et al., who viewed love from a behavioral point of view, love consists of an exchange of pleasant words and actions for a person, an exchange that lasts for a sufficiently long period of time. A marriage can be successful if both partners make decisions that make each of them feel loved and appreciated.
What we find about love in the specialized literature on marital therapy is disturbing. Nevertheless, it is confirmed that spouses can rightfully ask about love and the question: “Do you love her?” or "Do you love him?" cannot be regarded as a manifestation of the naivety of the doctor. The doctor, despite the fact that he works in the field of conflict and disruption of the interaction and relationships of partners, should pay attention to the presence of love in his patients (whether the moment has come when love has left the family, has it really gone, is it hidden in the little things everyday life) and support it, if it is still preserved, even in a hidden form. In order to avoid any misunderstanding here, it is necessary to distinguish the following.
1. Falling in love, which is experienced very intensely, but usually passes in the phase of marriage. It is necessary to actively support it (as far as possible), although it will pass later, which is quite natural.
2. Love in a relatively long marriage, which brings good to the other, gives joy associated with the well-being and success of the partner, and also provides satisfaction of one's own needs for understanding and security.
3. External manifestations of love - words, touches, affection, attention and other actions and deeds that are highly desirable if one partner wants to bring joy to another, strengthen his sense of satisfaction.
4. Forced manifestations of love, in principle, are of little use and represent “tortured proofs of love”, manifestations of what should be spontaneous. This is reminiscent of a kind of game with a double bottom (“I want you to directly tell me about love, but not because I want it, but because you want it”), which should be stopped.
A friendly family is considered an essential component of happiness. When harmony and mutual respect reign in such a small unit of society, each member of the family feels like an integral part of something very significant.
Modern family problems are significantly different from the problems of families from the last century. The psychological aspects were replaced by social and material problems. Along with the right to decide their own destiny, people have also acquired a greater responsibility for the well-being of the family, which many cannot cope with, if you look at the number of divorces and dysfunctional families.
There are many problems in family life, however, each of them has a solution. And often divorce or separation is a false solution to existing problems.
Do you still want to have an idea about the main problems in the family and understand how to solve them, avoiding divorce? We will discuss the main problems of the modern family, as well as their solution.
What are family problems?
So, the first problem is bad habits. Alcohol, smoking and drug addiction are increasingly appearing in modern families. Alcoholism can destroy any relationship, and modern society does not accept drug addicts at all.
However, these problems are not alone. There is also gambling addiction. Gamers can harm not only themselves personally, but also all their relatives and friends.
Such social problems of the family can be solved only with the personal desire of a sick person. If this desire is present, then you can resort to hypnosis or special courses of psychological assistance.
Family communication problems are in second place on the list of troubles that can destroy a family. Basically, these problems appear in people with completely different characters and social interests. Such people often have different views on the upbringing of children, behavior in society, as well as material issues.
However, despite the different views on life, if people love each other, then compromises will save their relationship. It is necessary to choose an option that suits both. Or alternate desires of each other.
The next problem is material matters. Small wages contribute to scandals in 39% of families. And this is a direct path to the destruction of family relationships.
To solve this problem, it is important to determine the essence of the current conflict and try to eliminate it. It is not so easy for the young head of the family to find a decent job with good pay. And the wife should understand this. The right decision would be to try to help your husband increase his income, instead of "cutting" him day after day.
How to solve family problems of the household plan?
Household issues play a very important role in the relationship of a young family. Yesterday, the young spouses lived for their own pleasure, and now the problems and responsibilities of family life have fallen on their shoulders. In adult life, less time is devoted to romance, and everyday life completely eats up feelings.
To solve this problem, it is important to understand yourself. If love is still hot, allow yourself more joy and pay attention to each other.
An important problem of modern families is the lack of common goals. These couples just go with the flow. Every day is like the previous one. The life of a young family is boring, and the spouses do not know what to do with themselves.
It is very important to make general plans. Even if they are short-term, for example, how to spend the weekend. It is very good if the spouses manage to come up with a common dream and work together to achieve it.
A young couple needs to understand that their family comes first. Pledge good relations in the family - this is love and mutual respect. You should spend more time together and in every possible way show your loved one how dear he is.
Video on the topic of the article
The family is the most important social institution, which is of decisive importance both for the individual life of a person and for the social, economic, cultural development of society.
The family is a unique subsystem, thanks to which humanity performs the functions of population reproduction, continuity of generations, socialization of children, etc.
The problems of the modern family are among the most important and urgent. Its significance is determined by the fact that, firstly, the family is one of the main social institutions of society, the cornerstone of human life, and secondly, that this institution is currently experiencing a deep crisis. It is no coincidence that when characterizing a family, we increasingly hear the expressions "demographic catastrophe", calls "save the family." True, there are also calming judgments: they say that nothing dangerous is happening in the sphere of family relations. There is simply a gradual transition from the outdated family model to a new one that meets the requirements of the modern lifestyle. This is supposedly a normal development of events and there is no reason to worry about this.
The family is indeed in crisis. And the cause of this crisis, if considered in a broad sense, is the general global social changes, the growth of population mobility, urbanization, etc., which lead to the loosening of "family foundations".
The problem of family poverty
Many Russian families in the current economic situation are actually "married" to poverty. The problems are the same: the scarcity of the budget, as a rule, one source of regular income (the salary of a working family member), the need for children in increased attention from their parents. Material security has been one of the causes of family tension for many years. From the point of view of specialists, there is a direct relationship between the presence of children in the family and poverty, since children are usually dependents. At the same time, the smaller the children themselves and the more of them in the family, the higher the probability of poverty in the household.
The crisis of spirituality in the family
In a society where manifestations of aggressiveness, hatred, anger, enmity, etc. are frequent, perhaps the only source of kindness, love, philanthropy, attention, respect is the environment of family microgroups. Family, friendly environment, like-minded people, colleagues - these are the sources that can produce good feelings, awaken them.
Psychologists identify several symptoms of the "disease" of today's Russian family: children's neuroticism, loneliness, inability to communicate, disunity. And the worst thing, according to psychologists, is the lack of understanding between children, parents and the elderly.
Families with disabled children
Disabled children are traditionally one of the most vulnerable categories of Russians. Neuropsychiatric diseases remain the leading causes of disability in children and adolescents, and raising such children at home is a difficult test for all family members. And it's not just about money. The unsuitability of the city infrastructure for the movement of disabled people, combined with the increased need for treatment and medical supervision, are also only technical problems in the life of disabled children, which fade before the psychological ones. The education guaranteed by him is often a fiction, since a disabled child needs individual and more intensive training, constant work with a specialist psychologist. In order to gain recognition from society, a disabled person has to do a lot of work on self-assertion.
Loneliness, a sense of abandonment haunts the parents of disabled children. According to psychologists, parents of children with disabilities experience permanent stress, which can cause family breakdown. Often men leave such families. With the advent of a disabled child, former friends gradually turn away from their parents. The way of life is fundamentally changing.
Problems of families at risk
families of different ages
Mixed-age marriages are among the marriages most frequently at risk of breakup.
From a social point of view, the optimal age difference between spouses is about 10-15% (and if the man is older). But a marriage of different ages is usually called a marriage in which the difference is 40% or more.
Unequal marriage
The problem of unequal marriage did not arise today. Therefore, the meaning of this concept was quite definite: marriage between representatives of different classes, i.e. between people of different social status. Of course, many other differences followed from this: the difference in income, education, value system, habits, tastes, speech (pronunciation and accent).
Domestic violence as a risk factor
The most common type of domestic violence is abuse by a husband over his wife. That is, a man is so psychologically weak that he does not hope to keep his wife through verbal influence.
And here it is necessary to make one clarification: if the male sex for the most part does not respect the representatives of the female sex, in this way he prepares the ground for his own humiliation. It is the dismissive attitude of men that forces women to strive for power over at least one man - their own husband.
Demographic problems of the family.
Families with few children are the first major problem.
The predominance of young families is not so much a fashion, but a consequence of a number of reasons: the wide participation of women in production activities, their comprehensive emancipation, and the urbanization of life. The growth of small families is an alarming nationwide problem, and therefore the state is implementing various measures to encourage an increase in the number of children in a family.
In Russia, an increase in the birth rate is expected due to:
Increasing the amount of cash benefits for mothers until the child reaches the age of one and a half years, and the amount of the benefit increases with the increase in the number of children;
Compensation for the costs of preschool education, and, as in the first case, the amount of compensation increases with an increase in the number of children;
Financial support for families taking orphans to raise;
Increasing the cost of birth certificates;
Payment of a one-time allowance to mothers in the amount of 350 thousand rubles.
An important problem is the large number of celibate men and women (unemployment). Over a third of men and women under 35 years old (at an age favorable for childbearing) have not started families. Such behavior in many cases requires understanding, but on the whole it is worthy of condemnation, as it is caused by the desire to prolong youth, not to rush into marriage. This often turns (especially for women) into serious problems in creating a full-fledged family.
Social and economic problems of the family.
Another acute problem is the crisis of parenthood, i.e. refusal of the father and/or mother to perform their parental duties, abandonment of children. Today there are 0.6 million orphans in Russia. At the same time, 90% of them are abandoned by their parents. This speaks of their forgetfulness of maternal and paternal duty. Most often, the reasons for this are the extramarital affairs of young (and even underage) women, and poverty that has befallen many people. Considering that there are 4 million homeless children in the country, i.e. children whose parents do not take care of them, this exacerbates the problem of parenthood.
These problems are typical for the family as a social institution. They are associated with the performance of those of its functions that are of public importance.
The growing emancipation of women and their ever more active participation in public life create great difficulties in fulfilling their natural obligation to be a mother. This is the main contradiction of the modern family. It is associated with such a phenomenon as the refusal of some women to have children, to engage in their upbringing. Most family women are simply forced to work in order to feed their families, often doing very hard work (shuttle workers, laborers). But some of them have successfully adapted to the new conditions and are actively involved in business and management. Therefore, even today the question of how women perform family functions remains open.
Most of the poor in Russia are families with children of able-bodied working spouses. In the most difficult situation, when it comes to direct survival, are the families of the unemployed, single mothers and families with many children. Poor families among families with children make up 50%, with three children - 85%, with four - 90%. At the same time, about 20% of all children are brought up in large families in Russia. The main family strategy today is the strategy of survival. Most families choose a way of passive adjustment to difficulties. The main thing is extra earnings to the basic salary. The decline in household income causes a weakening of the social role of the family. The current system of social transfers for families today is not able to compensate for the steadily growing costs of children. Children become a luxury that not everyone can afford. Therefore, within the framework of family policy, it is necessary to implement the targeted principle. It consists in social support for a healthy family, social assistance to a problem family, and social protection of children.
There are problems in the family and as a social group. They consist primarily in the weakening of ties between relatives, between parents and children, which has been observed for several decades. This is the so-called conflict of "fathers and children", which is expressed in their different attitudes to the problems that exist in life. It is based on youthful maximalism and adult edification.
The problem of interaction between parents and children is inherently related to the problem of transferring family values. This is determined not only by the socio-economic crisis of the family, but also by the change in the very institution of the family. Under the influence of urbanization processes, ties between generations become weak and shallow. Even today, the degree of trust between generations is decreasing. The problem of the relationship between parents and children today is very acute. Children no longer take care of their parents. Thus, the number of lonely old people is increasing, which becomes a burden on the state. The loss of communication between generations indicates a decline in morality not only in society, but also in the family, which leads to negative deep social and psychological, and ultimately demographic consequences.
The essence of intergenerational relations cannot be either "absolute renewal" or "absolute break" - both would mean a social catastrophe. The task is to harmonize the relations of generations in their continuity. However, egocentrism, inability to dialogue - these extreme manifestations of the isolation of the new generation can strike at the very foundations of civilization.
The main thing in intergenerational relations is the ability of each generation to adapt painlessly into a single socio-cultural space without a rigid hierarchy, without violence, disrespect on the part of "fathers" for children, with the obligatory assertion of the authority of older people and trust, love for a growing person.
One of the main problems of the modern family is the decline in the status of the family as a social institution of society, the change in its place in value orientations.
Actual problems of the family is the implementation of economic, protective functions, the function of emotional satisfaction. As studies show, intra-family relations require serious improvement. The task of preparing young people for family life remains an urgent task.