Stepfather "Already such honors?" Stepfathers occupy an increasingly significant place in families. And now a lot of attention is paid to the question of how to designate his special status in the eyes of the child, to make it more official. Children often behave cruelly towards their new husband

They say that as long as a man loves a woman, he idolizes the fruit of their love - his child. And as soon as the love for his wife passes, the child also ceases to interest him. Fortunately, not all men are able to start life from scratch each time, cutting off all previous ties and forgetting about their children. There are also those (by the way, quite often) who take their father's duties very responsibly and even try to take an active part in raising a child.

Whether you like it or not, your own father and his relatives will always be present in your baby's life to one degree or another. It was you who fell out of love with your husband (or he you), but what happened has nothing to do with the child. And if dad and grandparents are eager to continue to communicate with the baby, you have no right to interfere with them. Remember: dad does not happen to be the former, however, like grandparents. Although now they do not live with him under the same roof, but each of them has his own place assigned to him in the soul of the baby. After all, before the divorce, he equally loved both mom and dad, and did not make a difference between grandfathers and grandmothers. They are all family to him. And after a divorce, nothing changes. You part with your husband, but you have no right to deprive the child of his own father, and the father of his offspring.

It is in your best interest to maintain relationships after the divorce not only with your ex-husband, but also with "former" relatives. Even if your relationship is not going well and they consider you the culprit of everything that happens, you have no right to impose your thoughts, feelings and judgments on the child about them. If grandparents are still burning with the desire to see a grandson (granddaughter), take advantage of this. It is only desirable that the first time after the divorce, these meetings take place in your presence. You must be sure that they do not turn the child against you and do not use him as a "spy", extorting from him the details of your personal life.

Over time, the child himself will understand who is right and who is wrong, and will decide whether he should maintain contacts with "former" relatives. In the meantime, build relationships with them in which the child will feel loved by everyone. At least for him, they are blood relatives, of which we do not have many and should not be rushed. Of course, each specific case must be considered separately. But if your ex-husband is not an alcoholic, and his relatives are not a gang of bandits from the main road, then communication with them will only benefit the baby.

Never scold your ex-husband in the presence of a baby: he was and will remain the best for him. It is better to set him as an example, because he has some positive qualities - children need to imitate someone. Communication with former relatives is important for the little man and you have no right to punish him for the relationship that has not developed between you, adults. There is no need to make a tragedy out of a divorce for a child, even if it is a tragedy for you personally. Try to find an independent object for a splash of emotions (mother, girlfriend, sister). And the child must be sure that the parents separated by mutual agreement, and not because one of them is good and the other is bad. And remember: the participation of the ex-husband and his relatives in the upbringing of the child is not an obstacle to your new happy family life.

Sacrifice for what?

It is no secret that the divorce of parents (no matter how peacefully it happens) is a psychological trauma for a child. And the appearance of the "second pope" is a doubly trauma. Many women after a divorce are afraid to create a new family, as they themselves say, "for the sake of the child." They are sure that by marrying a second time, they thereby betray their child. This is mistake! Of course, no one can replace the father, but when adults make any decision, the child is usually confronted with a fact. All parents consider their children small and unintelligent, and it does not matter at all how old he is - five or fifteen. In fact, children are much smarter than us adults. Perhaps they still misunderstand something, but they feel everything. Therefore, before making any decision, and even more so sacrificing yourself to a child, take an interest in his opinion. Sometimes even a four-year-old toddler can give you good advice. By giving up your happiness, you think that you are sacrificing yourself to a child. But does he need this sacrifice? It is unlikely that in ten or fifteen years he will thank you for what you did.

When I was little, I had a girlfriend. We spent a lot of time together, shared intimate secrets and, of course, often visited each other. Then she suddenly moved to another area. We still called each other almost every day, met often and sometimes she came to visit me. But she didn’t call to her place and deftly avoided questions about the reason for moving to a new apartment. We were ten years old then. And only by the end of school she revealed her "terrible secret" to me: it turns out that the reason for moving to another area was the divorce of her parents and, as a result, the exchange of an apartment. How carefully the little girl concealed this fact, an experienced partisan could envy. But by her own admission, she was embarrassed not by divorce as such, but by her mother, who did not want to remarry and put an end to her family life "for the sake of her daughter."

Sacrificing your happiness for the sake of a child, you dump an unbearable burden on him. After all, now only a child is able to make his mother happy or unhappy, only his success and behavior depend on his mother's mood. Of course, it is unlikely that mom says this openly. But the baby feels everything very subtly and is afraid not to live up to expectations. As a result, such a child has a lot of psychological complexes. Children whose parents divorced and their mothers did not dare to remarry often have many problems in adult life - in relationships with the opposite sex, in self-esteem, in their careers.

If you are not going to remarry, do not focus on the child. You should have your own personal life - work, friends, hobbies, men. Do not make raising a child your only life goal, for the sake of which it is worth forgetting about everything. Do not bring down on the child all the love and affection unspent on men - his fragile shoulders (and nervous system) may not be able to withstand this load. Otherwise, in a few years, instead of the expected gratitude, you will hear only reproaches from the grown-up child, "and no one asked you to sacrifice for me." And try to have men in the house more often: work colleagues, husbands of girlfriends, grandfathers and just acquaintances.

Second try

You thought for a long time and finally decided on a second attempt. Maybe this time it will be possible to create a happy family? The only thing that overshadows your expectations is fear for the child. Will he get along with his stepfather? Will he stop trusting you? Psychologists say that if a child does not have a relationship with new relatives, then the mother is primarily to blame. Everything is important here: how you got divorced, and how you brought your stepfather into the house for the first time. Many women subconsciously perceive the child as an obstacle to the arrangement of their personal lives. As a rule, children feel this and move away from their mother, and they are hostile to the new dad.

The system of connections of a baby in a new family is not simple: another dad appears and, possibly, also a grandfather and grandmother. It is still very difficult for a little man to understand the "map" of the intricate relationships of people close to him. Your main task is to free the child from the burden of adult problems. By choosing the right tactics of behavior, you can even benefit from the current situation.

First of all, try to establish friendly relations with the child. Only on complete trust can you build a happy family life. The child should feel that his opinion is important to you. Do not force a child to call his stepfather dad. Of course, children, for the most part, up to kindergarten age quite easily transfer the concept of "father" to any man who lives with his mother and loves him. But there can only be one dad, and the baby already has one. Dad is a constant value, and stepfather is a variable. After all, no one knows how many husbands you will change, and your new husband is still a stranger to him. But with the right approach, he can become for the crumbs not just someone else's uncle, with whom he has to live under the same roof, but an older friend. Give the child the right to have his own point of view and respect it, even if it does not coincide with yours - he is not obliged to love the "new dad", but must treat him with respect, like any adult.

If relations with the stepfather have improved, then there are usually no problems with new grandparents. Children of preschool age are happy about their appearance, because now they have even more relatives, which means there will be more gifts. And do not impose on older children the company of "new" relatives - this is a matter of habit. The main thing is that the "new" ones do not climb into the child's soul. Some time will pass and the child will no longer draw the line between "former" and "new" grandmothers.

Father or stepfather? There is no choice!

How sometimes you want to start all over again! Forget about the first unsuccessful marriage, because now there is a person next to you with whom you are ready to live the rest of your life. Why does a child need to remember about his real unlucky dad? Now there is a person nearby who is ready to take on the role of dad, and this should be used.

Try to resist the temptation to start over and break old ties. With the advent of a stepfather, you have no right to end the relationship with your ex-husband. He and his parents still have every right to take part in the upbringing of their child. If your new husband is forcing you to make a "he or I" choice, don't give in. Thus, you will betray your child (at least, the baby will perceive your behavior as a betrayal). Even before the second marriage, discuss these issues with your new spouse: he must understand that dad is forever, otherwise you will lose not only your new husband, but also the trust of your child.

After the divorce, Olga managed to maintain good, friendly relations with her ex-husband. He regularly visited his five-year-old daughter, spent all his free time with her and took her to visit his parents in the summer. Everything seemed to be going great. A few years later, Olga remarried and then problems began. Before weddings the new spouse was calm about the visits of the ex-husband and even encouraged his paternal zeal when he took the girl for the weekend. But, having received a marriage certificate, he decided to put things in order in the house, where he imagined himself the head of the family. In the presence of the child, he had a “male conversation” with his father, explaining that now it was better for him to disappear from their lives so as not to injure the girl. "A child can only have one dad, now it's me, and she no longer needs an ex-dad." Olga tried weakly to protest, but she loved her new husband too much and was afraid of losing him. As a result, the girl saw her father secretly from her stepfather on neutral territory, and she stopped trusting her mother. Olga did not resist these meetings, she only hid them in every possible way from her new husband. But all the secret someday becomes clear. Upon learning that he was being deceived, the second spouse filed for divorce. Now Olga is building a relationship with her daughter again. She understands that she behaved very stupidly and recklessly, following the lead of her second husband. Breaking old ties is easy, but where is the guarantee that new, just as strong, ones will form in their place?

Discussion

I read part of the article up to the words "set the former as an example, find positive traits in him" I didn’t have enough strength to read further .. Tell me, if he beat me when I was breastfeeding .. not much .. he came up from behind, gave a slap or a slap in the face and said, "Anu call the cops and prove that I hit" and I want to emphasize that at that moment I had nowhere to go with the child, except to be homeless on the street. Now, thank God, I don't live with him. I REALLY SHOULD FIND THE FORCE IN MYSELF AND SET HIM AS EXAMPLE AND CREATE COMFORTABLE CONDITIONS FOR HIM TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE CHILD?? Personally, I don't think I owe him anything. The child is 2 years old, he is afraid of his father and runs away from him and hides behind me, and the ex-husband tells all his friends that I set up the child so that he would not communicate with him. And he completely denies his bullying, which I can’t prove in any way.

I am divorcing my wife and we have a son. Just because we're getting a divorce doesn't mean I don't want to have a baby. I love him madly, but unfortunately the family fell apart.
And if I left that house, this does not mean at all that I do not care about the child.
And trying on the article for myself - I completely agree with the author.
I WANT to see my son more than once a week and yes I want to take him at least for one day to take him to his grandfather or to an exhibition or just to go fishing.
Son is 7 years old. And I hope that when he grows up, he will understand me.

After the divorce, I told my son (he is already 9) for a long time about how wonderful our dad is, for a long time I tried to make sure that dad met with him at least once a week, and not a month or when it was convenient for him. I couldn’t - dad said very simply: why should I take care of a child if you still get married a second time and he will have another man in his life? Rave? Rave! And all that I got in this life, by the way, was that I tried to instill in the child that dad is good, etc. - for a long time my child thought that I was to blame for the fact that dad does not live with us and does not love him and does not come to him, because it was the mother who offended the father, etc. A lot of dirt was thrown out. I held on for a long time, but now it’s not, if his father doesn’t want to come to him - I just tell my son - call, ask why he doesn’t come ?. And you know what, he stopped calling and asking and generally began to treat his father like a kuplyalka on holidays. I have a man and we really are going to live together until we live, but we try to spend time together often. Yes, there are more questions. despite the fact that we have been dating for the third year. And the father of the child is only trying once again to say nasty things to me and the child: from Seri I am ashamed to go with you to my friends, you are inappropriately dressed, etc. like a sucker, like a child from an orphanage, and a lot of flattering things, why mom is like that. A lot of dirt. And then the question arises: why do we need such a father?

What bitch wrote this? She just doesn't understand what a father is... Being a father is not just being a sperm donor, it's completely different. And such advisers should be shot at distant approaches. Not to harm...

I don't really agree with the post above. The article calls us to the most important thing: mutual respect under any circumstances. If you don’t just throw mud at the ex-father, but let the child figure out a good dad or a bad one, it will be better for everyone.

I am convinced that a divorced woman should do what is best for her and her child. Therefore, I consider such articles with general recommendations and lists of "duties" to be completely useless. They only confuse and lead to feelings of guilt. A divorced woman owes nothing to anyone except her child. Communication between a father and his child is only a matter of father and child. While the child is small, meetings and communication are organized by the father (at his own request, the desire of the child and a preliminary agreement with the mother of the child). And in general, there is a lot of controversy in the article: for example, “a child should treat his stepfather with respect, like any adult”, and also “preschool children are happy to have new grandparents, because now they have even more relatives, it means there will be more gifts", etc. etc. Any adult must EARN respect and authority in a child by sincere participation in the child's life and wise behavior. Unconditional respect for ANY adult just leads to many problems when a child does not have his own opinion and easily succumbs to the persuasion of other people's uncles and aunts. And as for gifts - generally nonsense! When choosing new attachments, children are not guided by selfish material considerations. Again, genuine interest and participation in their lives, games and thoughts is important to them.

I lost interest in the author's reasoning after the heading "dad can't be an ex." For I categorically do not want to consider my own dad not only the former, but also the dad in general, due to his absence in my life from the age of 2.
Everything else is solid 2x2=4, to which is added a hefty fraction from the protrusion of the role of the former. I am a specific lady, and if my child demonstrates his perception of dad, mainly as a source of banknotes, I am not going to dissuade her and paint this image with pink enamel. What he deserves, let him get it.

Well, about the duties of a divorced woman has already been written 100 times.
Every divorced woman must:
1) Save and maintain friendly relations with your ex-husband, because he is the father of her child;
2) Maintain and maintain friendly relations with all his relatives, tk. they are native people to the child;
3) Ensure the possibility of meetings of the ex-husband with the child.
3.1. the fact that the child does not feel any need to communicate with the father
3.2. the fact that the father is not financially or in any way involved in the upbringing of the child
3.3. And even more so because these meetings are unpleasant for the woman herself and worsen the atmosphere in the family.
All this is in no way a reason for refusing to meet. Their organization is a woman's inflexible duty. Moreover, meetings must be organized based primarily on the convenience and interest of the "father".
4) Similarly with the relatives of the "former"
5) Every divorced woman is obliged to maintain a bright image of the father in the mind of the child, regardless of what she herself thinks about it and objective reality.
6) Every divorced woman must be happy. She has no right to weakness, fatigue, problems.
A woman unable to
a) fully support himself and the child (God forbid, also counting on the financial assistance of the "former"), while
b) fully educate, maintain a close trusting relationship with the child,
c) arrange a personal life (so as not to pester the child later with the words "I'm for you ..."
stigmatized
7) When choosing a job / pastime / man, a woman is obliged to put the interests of the child at the forefront.
8) The list goes on...
And this article is another rant on this topic.
Can you give me a link to the article on the RIGHTS of a divorced woman?

Veronika Vitalievna Kazantseva, psychologist, teacher of the network of medical clinics "Semeynaya"

Many people are familiar with the expression “Relationships are work”, but for some reason it is most often associated with relationships between a man and a woman. And, for example, a strong and friendly relationship between a stepfather and a child requires no less effort.

In order to choose the right strategy of behavior, the mother first of all needs to assess the “scale of the catastrophe” - how serious the conflict is. Does it have a global character, when the child and the stepfather did not agree at all, or is it a common everyday situation.

Global conflict: causes and solutions

It often happens that the relationship between the stepfather and the child does not go well from the very beginning. There may be several reasons for this, depending on each of them and appropriate measures must be taken.

The child is jealous

This is a common and fairly common reason. The baby's life is changing, the mother no longer belongs only to him, and the need to share mother's attention with someone else (with someone else's uncle!) causes a violent protest.

What to do? Try not to drastically change the child's living conditions. If he is used to weekend walks or nightly games with you, keep those same traditions in your new family life. This will allow the baby to get used to it faster, and at the same time give him a sense of stability - the mother is the same, all activities with her have remained unchanged.

Actively include your stepfather in your communication with your child, arrange joint games, but be sure to leave time when you and your baby will be just the two of you. And don't forget to tell him often how much you love him.

The child hoped that dad would return It happens that way too. Despite the final divorce and determined parents, the children hope until the very end that things will get better. And then some uncle appears who spoils everything and destroys all hopes. How not to make a riot?

What to do? Initially, be honest with the child, do not give him false hopes. Often, protecting kids from unnecessary worries, parents give out only part of the information, and the rest remains “behind the scenes”. “Daddy will just live separately for now”, “Daddy left”, “We quarreled, and therefore daddy went to grandma” - such phrases leave a lot of room for children's imagination.

Say it like it is. It is not necessary to go into all the dramatic details, but it is necessary to voice how things really are: “Dad and I love you very much, but we got divorced and will no longer live together”, “Dad moved to another apartment and will now live separately, you will visit him or he will come to visit, but we will not live together.” Be honest with your baby! If he understands well what is happening, it will be easier for him to get used to changing conditions.

Stepfather has high expectations Sometimes it's not about the baby at all. In general, in fairness it should be said that the responsibility for building relationships with children lies with adults, which means that with due effort, mother and stepfather will be able to find a common language with the baby.

Sometimes the stepfather is very actively involved in the upbringing of the little one, wishing with all his heart to replace his father. In his good intentions, he sometimes goes too far. And he also expects reciprocity from the child, and if he does not immediately receive it, he begins to be disappointed in him.

What to do? First, again, face the truth. Your new husband is absolutely not obliged to replace the father of the child, especially if the baby continues to communicate with dad. This should be well understood by all participants in the process.

The main task is to ensure that a fairly comfortable relationship has developed between the stepfather and the child. They can become very close and warm, really like a father and son, but if it turns out differently, then it's okay!

It is important that they can find a common language. Therefore, options such as “He scolds him like a father,” especially at the beginning of a relationship, are unlikely to work. Agree with your husband that you will decide all the critical moments together, let him consult with you on what is the right thing to do, because you know your child much better!

Help the husband and child come up with interesting joint activities: maybe the stepfather will teach his son or daughter to take pictures or ride a bike - let them have their own time that they spend together. So the stepfather will feel his own importance (he also TEACHES THE CHILD!), And the baby will understand that he is loved. If they are interested in each other, all acute situations will proceed more gently.

You need to understand that a man and a woman have different functions, so both should raise a child. The function of a mother is acceptance, she loves a child by any. The male function is different: men give boundaries, boundaries and discipline. Let the child and stepfather learn to communicate and find a common language together.

How to properly raise children
Only those who don't have children know

Many children witness the breakup of their family at a very young age. And over time, a new dad or a new mom enters their lives.

But after all, after a divorce, the second parent does not disappear anywhere, but most often continues to communicate with the child, taking him to his place for the weekend or on vacation.

What to do when parents have different ideas about parenting? How do I negotiate with my ex-spouse?And is it possible to allow a stepfather (stepmother) to raise a child?

There is no unequivocal answer to these questions: often parents negotiate among themselves important points of upbringing, and there are those who make the second parent a fool in front of the child.

www.psyhosom.ru

Story #1: Dad is good but mom is bad

A child (4 years old) after the divorce of his parents lives with his mother. There is no TV in the house, because, according to the mother, it only harms health and the baby watches cartoons once a week, only for half an hour, so as not to "fill his head with all sorts of nonsense."

The main hobby is designers, prefabricated models, mosaics.

The father takes the child to him once every two weeks for the weekend, where the baby is allowed everything: cartoons to your heart's content, TV around the clock and much more that is prohibited at home.

Most often, after trips to dad, the baby comes very irritable and makes frequent scandals, demands cartoons and says that mom is bad.

And on New Year's Eve, the former took and gave the tablet to the child! What will we do? I can’t help but give it away, it’s a gift from my father. Calmly watch how the kid plays zombie games all day? It spoils his vision, psyche and posture! How can you think of a four-year-old child to give a tablet? It would be better to buy a book or a designer

Mom, with her eternal prohibitions and moralizing, really becomes bad for the child, because dad gives expensive toys and gifts and allows you to do everything.

Psychologist's opinion:

Very often, parents continue to communicate with each other in this way. Not everyone manages to leave, clarifying relationships and feelings, and as a result - a lot of accumulated anger, rage, resentment.

A child in such situations is just an excuse to show these emotions to each other. It would be good for parents to try to talk and clarify all controversial issues among themselves, and at the same time agree on important points in raising a child.

Parents' views and approaches to education may differ, and such conflicts often occur in completely prosperous families, only it can be easier to negotiate there. Therefore, the surest step is to try to negotiate. And most importantly, do not go to extremes!

Download several educational games to the tablet and agree with the child on the time that he can spend with the tablet. If a child is basically accustomed to following the rules and agreements (cartoons for 20 minutes, sweets after meals, etc.), then the introduction of a new rule for using a tablet will not cause a violent reaction of protest.

design-for-kids.livejournal.com

Story #2: Your mom left you

- Dad, I want to visit my mother, can I go to her place for the weekend?

- To Mom?! Well, only she doesn’t love you at all, she left and left for another city. She's a loser, do you want to be like that too? Your mother is a fool and an idiot! But if you insist, I'll take you to her!

- No, daddy, I'd rather stay with you ...

In some families, such manipulations of children also occur: the parent does not want to give his child to another, but he cannot say it in plain text.

But to refuse the ex-wife to see the child, saying that the daughter herself does not want, is an ideal option for revenge.

Psychologist's opinion:

child manipulation- a terrible revenge on a spouse, traumatizing the psyche of a son or daughter. It is important for every child to feel their roots - mother and father, no matter how negative the former partner may seem to the spouse, for the child it is mom or dad.

For the full development and psychological comfort of a child, it is important to be able to love a parent. In this situation, the father makes the child feel guilty for wanting to see his mother.

It is obvious that the father cannot cope with his emotions and, manipulating the child, is trying to "recoup". In other words, he shifts the entire burden of responsibility for the undeveloped relationship with his wife onto the child. It is sad.

When the child grows up, he himself will understand everything and will be able to figure out who is right, who is wrong and how to communicate / not communicate with the parent. In the meantime, keep all your opinions, conclusions and feelings for your ex-spouse to yourself and be sure to give the child the opportunity to communicate with the parent.

Very often, protecting the child from the "bad" influence of the former spouse, the partner limits or completely excludes the child's communication with the parent. Rarely does a parent realize that by doing such “good”, they are actually committing “evil” - the child most often begins to blame and get angry at the one who forbids this communication.

pokupon.ua

Story #3: Does he have the right to raise my child?

The child threw another tantrum, the mother can not cope with toys flying at her, screaming and complete disobedience. Stepfather comes to the rescue.

He scolds the child, slaps him on the pope and puts him in a corner, while all actions are carried out in a rough manner. From fear of his stepfather and resentment that his mother does not protect in any way, the baby falls silent and silently stands in the corner.

I don't know if I did the right thing. On the one hand, the tantrum should have been interrupted, because the child crossed all boundaries and was uncontrollable, but on the other hand, does HE have the right to raise my child, especially since the baby has a father?

Psychologist's opinion:

Here are a few points of curiosity:

• Mom really can not or does not want to cope with the child? Tantrums in babies are a frequent and quite natural thing at a certain age, otherwise they do not know how to talk about their feelings and designate themselves. Mom should be sensitive and responsive, but at the same time clearly indicate the boundaries of what is permitted, then there will be fewer reasons for tantrums.
• How long has a “new dad” appeared in the family? Even young children experience this event as stress, and the younger the child, the more impulsive reactions of the child - whims, bad behavior, tantrums, attacks of aggression. During this period, mom should be more sensitive and empathetic.
• Physical punishment injures the psyche of the child, regardless of who does it. If the new spouse is still recently in the family, then this situation can complicate the process of rapprochement between the child and the stepfather. And one more thing: it doesn’t matter in which family punishments take place (with native parents or not), the child is always offended and angry more at the parent who witnessed the punishment and did not defend ...

The stepfather can actively participate in the upbringing of the child, but it is important to do this very carefully. And then, when the child has already recognized his authority and feels trust.

Dear readers! Have you ever been in similar situations? Do you allow your children to interact with your ex-spouse? Is it really necessary for children to bond with blood parents? Can someone else replace the child's mother (father). We are waiting for your comments!