Children are in many ways our reflection and continuation. In some ways, we really like it, are accepted and loved, and in some ways it can cause tension, anxiety, and sometimes irritation and even anger. The psychology of parents is such that the stereotypes of child-father or child-mother relationships come from the childhood of the parents themselves. Very difficult to harmonize relationship

To the question "Are you satisfied with the mutual relations

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Relationship between parents and children

The problem of fathers and children has existed at all times, while different generations, and even families, had different approaches to the upbringing, communication and education of their children. But, in principle, the problems did not change at all and remained the same.

Children are in many ways our reflection and continuation. In some ways, we really like it, are accepted and loved, and in some ways it can cause tension, anxiety, and sometimes irritation and even anger. The psychology of parents is such that the stereotypes of child-father or child-mother relationships come from the childhood of the parents themselves. It is very difficult to harmonize relationships with a child, without having comprehended them before that. It often happens that children and parents have completely opposite opinions about their relationship. For example, after conducting a sociological survey of children and parents, the following statistics were revealed:

To the question "Are you satisfied with the relationship ?" 50% of children and 33% of mothers answered "Yes, completely"; to the question "Do conflicts often occur in your family?" 17% of children and 11% of parents answered "Often", 19% of children and 24% of parents answered "Almost don't happen."

Especially now, when parents are at work all day, and children are at school, there is absolutely no communication. It is replaced by the media, computers or friends. In the West, more attention is paid to this issue, there are family psychologists who are contacted during conflicts or family problems. Of course, in Russia they also exist, but there are a lot of stereotypes that a normal (once a Soviet person) will not go to a psychologist. Naturally, it is very difficult to break these stereotypes.

Let's take a look at the situation when parents build relationships with children on the principle of complete equality and friendship. From such parents one can often hear: "We and our children are real friends. We do not want them to be afraid of us or behave like babies." In families of this type, parents are called by name, and, in general, this family resembles a school camp.

But if you take a closer look, it turns out that in such a family friendship ends in words, and then harsh reality begins. This is how parents behave, who in childhood were deprived of the attention of their parents, and therefore want to transfer this friendship to their own children, believing that they will help themselves and their children. Of course, in mutual relations between parents and children friendship must be present, but it must be remembered that friendship is not the only form of relationship.

Parents exist in our life from the very beginning, and friends appear much later. In addition, we must not forget about such an important thing as the authority of the parent. Dad or mom can always influence a child, which friends cannot. Basically, friendship child and parent - a good thing, but from the point of view of an adult. What happens in a child’s head when he considers his dad a friend, equal in status. The child behaves as he would do with friends. He no longer obeys or requires parents to respect his point of view (which often turns out to be a rarity in the family).

So let's conclude. Before choosing any thoughtful strategy in the relationship between you and your child, think first of all how the child himself will perceive this form of relationship. Although the option with a psychologist is not so bad.

Probably, no one will have a question who is more important for a parent in this world - of course, a child. The most interesting thing was that the children answered this question, namely: "If this day were the last in your life, with whom would you spend it?" So, 27% did not name their parents at all, but friends and their loved ones. It's not really a big number, but it's worth considering...

What hinders communication with the child

1. Orders, commands: "Now stop it!", "So that I don't hear it again!", "Shut up!". In these categorical phrases, the child hears the unwillingness of the parents to delve into his problem, feels disrespect for his independence. Such words evoke a feeling of lack of rights, and even abandonment "in trouble." In response, children resist, are offended, stubborn.

2. Threats, warnings: "If you don't stop crying, I'll leave", "It will happen again, and I'll take the belt." Threats are pointless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They only drive him into an even greater dead end. With frequent repetition, children get used to them and stop responding to them.

3. Criticism, accusations: “What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “All because of you!”, “I shouldn’t have relied on you!”, “Forever you! ..” No educational such phrases cannot play a role. They cause in children either active defense: (reciprocal attack, denial, anger), or despondency, depression, disappointment in themselves and in their relationships. with a parent. In this case, the child develops low self-esteem; he begins to think that he really is a bad, weak-willed, hopeless, loser. And low self-esteem creates new problems. The faith of some parents in the educational value of criticism is immeasurable. Only this can explain that sometimes in families, remarks mixed with commands become the main form of communication with the child. The result is a set of negative opinions about oneself, and even expressed by the closest people. What can save the day? The first way: try to pay attention not only to the negative, but also to the positive aspects of your child's behavior. Do not be afraid that words of approval addressed to him will spoil him. For example: "It's good that you came when you promised", "I like to cook with you together."

4. Making fun of, calling names: "Crybaby - wax", "Don't be a noodle", "Well, just a club!", "What a lazybones you are!" All this is the best way to push the child away and "help" him lose confidence in himself. As a rule, children are offended and defend themselves: “And what is it like?”, “Let it be noodles”, “Well, I will be like that!”

5. Asking: “No, you still say”, “What happened anyway? I still find out”, “Well, why are you silent?”. It's hard to stop asking questions. But it is better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones.

6.Joking:

Son: You know, dad, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything about it.

Dad: How much we have in common!

Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as "Leave me alone!", "Not up to you", "You are always with your complaints!"

7. Moral: "You must behave properly", "Every person must work", "You must respect adults." Usually children from such phrases do not learn anything new, their behavior does not change. They feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often both. Moral foundations and moral behavior are brought up not so much by words as by the atmosphere in the house, through the imitation of the behavior of adults, especially parents. If a child violates the norms of behavior, it is necessary to see if anyone in the family behaves in a similar way. If this reason disappears, then another is most likely at work: the child "goes beyond" because of his internal disorder, emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teaching is the most unfortunate way to help the cause. Talk about moral standards and rules of behavior with children it is necessary only in calm moments, and not in a tense situation. Otherwise, words only add fuel to the fire.

8. Notations: “It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You are distracted endlessly, so you make mistakes”, “How many times have you told, but you don’t listen” is called “psychological deafness.” Dad: Faith, if you if you step into the water, you will get your feet wet. Your body will cool down, and you can easily catch an infection. You should know that in the spring there is a lot of infection in the city. Vera (stepping into another puddle): Dad, why is the uncle who passed through Red nose?

9. Tips: "And you take it and say ...", "Why don't you try ...", "In my opinion, you need to go and apologize", "I would hit back if I were you." Children are not inclined to listen to our advice. Sometimes they openly rebel: "You think so, but I think differently", "It's easy for you to say", "I know without you!". What is behind these negative reactions of the child? The desire to be independent, to make decisions yourself. Each time, advising a child, we kind of inform him that he is still small and inexperienced, and we are smarter than him. Such a position of parents "from above" irritates children and does not leave them with a desire to tell more about their problem.

10. Sympathy in words: The child needs to be sympathized, but in words like: "Calm down", "Pay no attention", "It will grind, there will be flour" he can hear neglect of his worries, denial or downplaying of his experiences.

Daughter (frustrated): Today I was running down the corridor at school, and Seryozhka put my leg up, and I fell.

Father: Well, nothing, nothing, you didn’t crash.

Daughter: Yes, nothing, but all the boys laughed!

Father: Come on, don't pay attention!

Daughter: It's easy for you to say, but it hurts me!

11. Guessing: "I know it's all because you ...", "Again, or something, I got into a fight", "I still see that you are deceiving me ...". One mother liked to repeat to her son: "I can see right through you and even two meters below you!", which invariably infuriated the teenager. Who likes to be "calculated"? This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to get away from contact.

12. Praise: There is a subtle but important difference between praise and encouragement or praise and approval. There is an element of evaluation in praise: “Well done, you are just a genius!”, “You are my most beautiful (capable, smart)!”, “You are so brave!” Where there is praise, there is reprimand. Praising in some cases, the child will be condemned in others. Also, the child can become addicted to praise: wait, seek it. Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, i.e. praise him for some reason. How to respond to the success of the child? It is best to express your feelings to him using the pronouns "I", "me" instead of "you".

Daughter: Mom, today I got two fives in Russian at once.

Mom: I'm very happy! (Instead of: "What a good fellow you are!")

Psychologists have identified four main underlying causes of serious behavioral disorders in children.

First - fight for attention. If a child does not receive the right amount of attention, which he needs so much for normal development and well-being, then he finds his own way to get it: disobedience. Parents now and then break away from their affairs, make comments ... It cannot be said that this is very pleasant, but attention is still received. It's better than none.

Second - the struggle for self-affirmation against excessive parental care. It is especially difficult for children when parents communicate with them, mainly in the form of comments, fears, and instructions. The child starts to rise. He responds with stubbornness, actions in defiance. The meaning of such behavior is to defend the right to decide his own affairs, to show that he is a person. It does not matter that his decision is sometimes not very successful, even erroneous. But it is yours, and this is the main thing!

The third reason is the desire for revenge. Children often resent their parents. For example: parents are more attentive to the younger; mother separated from father; stepfather appeared in the house; parents constantly quarrel... There are many isolated reasons: a harsh remark, an unfair punishment. In the depths of his soul, the child is experiencing, and on the surface - protests, disobedience, poor performance at school. The meaning of bad behavior: "You did me bad, let it be bad for you too!"

Fourth reason- loss of faith in one's own success. Having accumulated a bitter experience of failures and criticism in his address, the child loses self-confidence, he develops low self-esteem. He may come to the conclusion: "There is nothing to try, it will still not work out." At the same time, by external behavior, he shows that he "doesn't care", "even if he's bad", "and I'll be bad".

Revealing the true cause of disobedience and bad behavior is quite simple, although the method may seem paradoxical. Parents need to pay attention to their own feelings. If a child fights for attention, irritation appears. If the background of persistent disobedience is opposition to the will of the parent, then he has anger. If the hidden reason is revenge, then the parent's reciprocal feeling is resentment. When a child deeply experiences his troubles, the parent falls into the power of feelings of hopelessness, and sometimes despair. What to do next? The general answer to the question is not to react in the usual way, because. a vicious circle is formed. The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child is convinced that his efforts have reached the goal. And he renews them with new energy. An adult needs to understand what exactly he feels and move to a position of help.

If there is a struggle for attention, you need to give the child positive attention. Come up with some joint activities, games, walks. If the source of conflicts is the struggle for self-affirmation, then, on the contrary, one should reduce one's involvement in the affairs of the child. It is very important for him to accumulate experience of his own decisions and even failures. Most of all, it will help to get rid of excessive pressure and dictatorship by understanding that the stubbornness and self-will of a child is just a form of prayer that irritates you: "Let me live with my mind." If you feel resentment, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child hurt you? What is his own pain? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, it must be corrected. The most difficult situation is for a desperate parent and a child who has lost faith in his abilities. You need to stop demanding "relying" behavior, "reset to zero" your expectations and claims. Surely the child can do something, he has the ability to do something. Find the level of tasks available to him and start moving forward. Organize joint activities with him, he will not be able to get out of the impasse. In this case, the child cannot be criticized! Look for any reason to praise him, celebrate any, even the smallest success. Try to insure it, get rid of major failures. It is necessary to talk to teachers and make them allies. You will see: the very first successes will inspire the child. So, the main efforts should be directed to switching your negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) to constructive actions. What is important to know at the beginning: in the first attempts to improve relationships the child may reinforce their bad behavior! He will not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will check them.

A family is most often a world of complex relationships, traditions and rules hidden from external observation, which, to one degree or another, affect the personality traits of its members, and in the first place, children. Nevertheless, there are a number of objective social factors that, one way or another, affect all families without exception. Among these are:
- rupture of neighborly, and in some cases, family ties;
- the increasing involvement of women in production activities and its double burden - at work and in the family;
- lack of time for upbringing and intra-family communication;
- housing and material difficulties - all this, to one degree or another, causes difficulties in the implementation of the family's educational functions.

However, for all the significance of the listed factors, they do not play a decisive role in the occurrence of deviations in the development of the child's personality, alienation of parents and children. The greatest danger in this regard is those mistakes of parents in raising children, which, voluntarily or involuntarily, are made by parents in building relationships with their own children, forgetting that these relationships always have an educational character.

When analyzing parental attitudes towards children, psychologists single out two psychological dimensions: the form of control over the child's behavior and the nature of the emotional attitude towards him.

Violation of the parental attitude towards the child or parental attitudes within the framework of any of these dimensions or simultaneously in both leads to serious defects in the development of the child's personality. So, for example, the lack of proper control over the child's behavior, combined with excessive emotional focus on him, the atmosphere of effeminacy, caress, unprincipled compliance, continuous emphasizing of existing and non-existent virtues forms hysterical character traits. The same consequences arise with an indifferent attitude of the "rejection" type.

Excessive control, presentation of too strict moral requirements, intimidation, suppression of independence, abuse of punishments, including physical ones, lead, on the one hand, to the formation of cruelty in a child, and on the other hand, they can push him to attempt suicide.

The lack of emotional contact, warm attitude towards the child, combined with the lack of proper control and ignorance of children's interests and problems leads to cases of running away from home, vagrancy, during which misconduct is often committed.

There are several relatively autonomous psychological mechanisms through which parents influence their children. Firstly, reinforcement: by encouraging behavior that adults consider correct and punishing for violation of established rules, parents introduce a certain system of norms into the mind of the child, the observance of which gradually becomes a habit and internal need for the child. Secondly, identification: the child imitates parents, focuses on their example, tries to become the same as them. Thirdly, understanding: knowing the inner world of the child and sensitively responding to his problems, parents thereby form his self-awareness and communicative qualities.

The best relationships between parents and children develop when parents adhere to a democratic parenting style. This style is most conducive to the education of independence, activity, initiative and social responsibility. The behavior of the child is directed in this case consistently and at the same time flexibly and rationally:
- the parent always explains the motives of his demands and encourages their discussion with the child (it is especially important to do this in adolescence and senior school age);
- power is used only to the extent necessary;
- both obedience and independence are valued in the child;
- the parent sets the rules and firmly enforces them, but at the same time does not consider himself infallible;
- he listens to the opinions of the child, but does not proceed only from his desires.

Extreme types of attitudes, whether they go in the direction of authoritarianism or liberal all-tolerance, give bad results. The authoritarian style causes in children alienation from their parents, a feeling of insignificance and undesirability in the family. Parental demands, if they seem unreasonable, cause either protest and aggression, or habitual apathy and passivity. An inflection in the direction of all-tolerance causes the child to feel that his parents do not care about him. In addition, passive, disinterested parents cannot be imitated and identified, and other influences - school, peers, mass media - often cannot fill this gap, leaving the child without proper guidance and orientation in a complex and changing world. The weakening of the parental principle, as well as its hypertrophy, contributes to the formation of a personality with a weak self.

Research by psychologists on family problems indicates that distorted parental attitudes in the vast majority of cases are not the ultimate cause of anomalies in family upbringing and violations of parent-child relationships. Parental attitudes quite often turn out to be associated with marital relations, with the relationship to the families of the parents of the spouses - grandparents, with the personal characteristics of adult family members and children.

As already noted in the previous sections of the work, children can become an arena of adult rivalry, a means of influence or pressure, a method of punishment or revenge. Negative emotions experienced towards other family members, such as a spouse and his parents, can be transferred to children. In addition, parents may not be emotionally or morally prepared to perform parental functions. They may lack parental motivation, a sense of responsibility for raising a child may not be developed, or, on the contrary, hypertrophied; they may experience a lack of respect for themselves and, as a result, they may not feel empowered to control and guide the child's development.

Mistakes of parents in raising children can be due to a number of other reasons. However, this does not exclude, but only confirms how diverse and complex the issues of shaping the personality of a child in a family are, and how important it is to imagine the difficulties that each parent may encounter in order to avoid, if possible, the mistakes that await him in this important matter.

In this regard, it makes sense to dwell separately on the characteristics of typical parenting styles that are most common in dysfunctional families.

The surest way to improve the upbringing of children in the family is to prevent the pedagogical mistakes of parents. And this, in turn, presupposes the awareness and correct interpretation of the most typical of them. Common mistakes in family education can be conditionally divided into three groups:
1) misconceptions of parents about the features of the manifestation of parental feelings (parental love);
2) insufficient psychological competence of parents about the age development of the child and adequate methods of educational influence;
3) underestimation of the role of the personal example of parents and the unity of the requirements for the child.

The first group of pedagogical errors of parents is misconceptions about the features of the manifestation of parental feelings.

Perhaps the most common situation in many of today's dysfunctional families is the inability and sometimes unwillingness of parents to build their relationships with children on the basis of reasonable love.

Considering the child as personal and private property, such parents can either overprotect him, striving to immediately satisfy any whim, or constantly punish him, testing him with the most cruel means of influence, or by all means avoid studying with him, giving him complete freedom. At the same time, they can sincerely believe that they are doing this solely for his own good, helping him in his life development. Awareness of mistakes can come very late, when it is almost impossible to correct something in the deformed personality of the child.

One of the most common types of improper family upbringing is hyper-custody (excessive guardianship without taking into account the individual characteristics, interests and inclinations of the child himself, or elevating even his minor successes to the rank of outstanding abilities - education like the “family idol”). Hyper-custody is expressed in the desire of parents:
1) surround the child with increased attention;
2) to protect him in everything, even if there is no real need for this;
3) accompany his every step;
4) protect against possible dangers, which are often the fruit of parental imagination;
5) worry for any reason and for no reason;
6) keep children near you, "bind" to your mood and feelings;
7) oblige to act in a certain way.

Protecting children from any difficulties and boring, unpleasant things, indulging their whims and whims, parents, in fact, not only educate them, but serve them. All this can be supplemented by an exaggeration of their abilities and talents, and children grow up in an atmosphere of unbridled praise and admiration. In this way, the desire to be always in sight, to know no refusal, the expectation of a brilliant future is instilled. But when this does not happen, then a crisis is inevitable. Some try to take everything they want by force, by any illegal means. Others droop and consider themselves unhappy, deceived, infringed. As a result of prolonged overprotection, the child loses the ability to mobilize his energy in difficult situations, he waits for help from adults, and, above all, from his parents; the so-called "learned helplessness" develops - a habit, a conditioned reflex reaction to any obstacles as insurmountable. Another sad outcome is also possible. Petty control, the desire of parents to take all the worries and making responsible decisions on themselves can eventually embitter children, and, having matured, they raise a rebellion against oppression and, if they do not achieve indulgence, they can leave their home.

As a rule, excessive guardianship, as an unnatural, increased level of care, is needed, first of all, not so much by children as by the parents themselves, filling their unfulfilled and often acute need for affection and love. According to experts, an important role in this case is played by factors related to the childhood of the parents themselves, and especially mothers (according to studies by psychologists and doctors, mothers are more inclined to take care of children), many of whom themselves grew up in families without warmth and parental love. . Therefore, they are determined to give their children what they themselves have not received, but they “go too far”, which ultimately leads to an overly caring attitude towards the child.

The desire of the mother to “attach” the child to herself is also based on a pronounced feeling of anxiety or anxiety about the state of health of the child, if his birth was accompanied by any complications or in infancy he often suffered from chronic and sometimes life-threatening diseases. In such cases, overprotection during the period of illness is a reasonable measure, and difficulties arise as a result of the fact that it continues after recovery.

Types of relationships with a child

The psychology of the relationship between parents and adult children can take different forms, alas, very far from love:

• excessive care, dictated by the fear of losing a child and avoiding any trouble with his health. Guardianship often breeds a victim child or a rebel,
• total control over children and dictate their will to them. There can be several explanations here: the parents' dramatization of the behavior of their father or mother; the same fear for the life of the child; or someone wants to play overseer or boss with their children,
• complete indifference to children. Such a variant of the psychology of relations between parents and adult children is also possible. What is caused? Severe physical or psychological trauma associated with the birth of a child (for example, a difficult birth, when a woman almost died, and her husband was forced to choose between the life of his wife and child). Or a parent, long before the wedding, had his own life, not sugar - serious illnesses, loss of loved ones, debts, which is why a person at some point, as it were, fences himself off from what is happening, and even the birth of his own children can pass like a fog for him. I had a client who, at the age of 40, came to his senses that he already had two children,
• hatred and anger towards the child. Carefully hidden by the parent or, conversely, open aggression. As a result, closed children who from the first years live in an atmosphere of evil and danger. Yes, they will smile at you, greet you kindly, but any heart-to-heart question immediately causes a defensive reaction in them,
• suppression of the child, constant insults, humiliation and depreciation of his abilities.
• grow a copy of your child - the parent is trying to fulfill his own unfulfilled dreams in the child! Such a psychology of relations between parents and adult children is quite common. Who do we get years later? A disgruntled adult who cannot find his place in life.

Causes of conflicts and their solution

One of the main causes of conflicts in families is personal realization. Often parents try to realize their unfulfilled desires at the expense of their children. Register children for various sections and classes. But the child does not always want this, and on this basis a conflict arises. Sometimes these situations arise even when the children have grown up. Parents impose their opinion, teach children how to live. To avoid conflicts, parents need to understand that even their own children are, first of all, a person who is able to solve their own problems and build their own future. You can help the child, but you don’t need to decide for him what will be best for him.

Another main cause of conflict is parental overprotection. Parents should not actively protect their children from all the complexities of the modern world, because in any case, children will have to face them sooner or later. Only then can children be unprepared for this, which will lead to sad consequences.

You should always try to find a compromise with your children, giving them maximum freedom. You should not “break” the child, subordinating him to your will, it is better to talk heart to heart with him more often. And also, it must be remembered that each person has his own path in life, which you will have to go through on your own. Support children in difficult life situations, and then the relationship between children and parents will be full of harmony and mutual understanding.

family relationship style. Relationship between parents and children

Each family has a whole complex of psychological characteristics. But common to all families is, as a rule, a pronounced emotionality of intra-family relations. It is a high degree of emotional closeness that is a special quality of a real, strong family.

A modern multi-stage family can successfully fulfill its functions if it harmoniously combines the psychological characteristics of family members of all generations, so that they can engage in the formation of the personality of children.

Family relationships are a system of mutual demands and expectations that are oriented in all directions - from older to younger members of the family, and from younger to older.

There are different approaches to classification relationship styles between parents and children. For example, A. Baldwin identifies two styles:

1) democratic, which is characterized by a high degree of verbal communication between parents and children, the involvement of children in the discussion of family problems, the constant readiness of parents to help, the desire for objectivity in raising children;

2) controlling, assuming significant restrictions in the behavior of the child with an understanding of the meaning of these restrictions, the clarity and consistency of the requirements of the parents and the recognition by the child of them as fair and justified.

Let's give another classification family relationship styles authoritarian and democratic.

Authoritarian style characterized by parental dominance. At the same time, there is a conviction that such upbringing can develop in a child the habit of unquestioning obedience. However, in families of this type there is no spiritual unity, friendship. Adults have little regard for the individuality of the child, his age characteristics, interests and desires. Although children grow up obedient, disciplined, these qualities develop in them without an emotionally positive and conscious attitude to the requirements of an adult. More often this blind obedience is based on the fear of being punished. As a result, children develop little independence, initiative, and creativity. It is in such families that adolescents most often come into conflict with their parents, move away from the family.

At democratic style relationships are characterized by mutual love and respect, attention and care of adults and children for each other. In families with democratic-style relationships, children are full-fledged participants in the life of the family, its work and leisure. Parents try to get to know their children more deeply, to find out the reasons for their bad and good deeds. Adults constantly appeal to the feelings and consciousness of the child, encourage his initiative, respect his opinion. At the same time, children know quite well the meanings of the words “impossible”, “necessary”. The democratic style of family education gives the greatest effect in the formation of conscious discipline in children, interest in family affairs, in the events of life around them. Gradually, children develop initiative, resourcefulness, and a creative approach to the assigned task. Punishment in such families is usually not applied - it is enough to reprimand or upset the parents.

However, it happens that a democratic style of upbringing has developed outwardly in a family, but it does not give the desired effect, since parents violate the most important pedagogical principles, for example, they fail to determine the degree of exactingness in a given situation, organize the correct daily routine for children, or create conditions for feasible labor contribution of children to family life; they are inconsistent in their requirements or they do not have a unified approach to some family matters.

Relationships between parents and children over the years develop into certain typical options.

OPTION A. Parents and children experience a steady need for mutual communication.

Such relationships are characterized, first of all, by the general moral atmosphere of the family: decency, frankness, mutual trust, equality in relationships, the ability of parents to sensitively understand the world of the child and his age needs, their deep parental affection, constant readiness for mutual assistance, empathy, the ability to be close in time of life's troubles.

OPTION B. Parents delve into the concerns and interests of children, and children share their feelings and experiences with them, but this is not a mutual need.

This variant is characterized by a less complete degree of contacts. Outwardly, the relationship is prosperous, but some deep, intimate ties are broken, there has been a barely perceptible crack in the relationship between parents and children. The most typical reasons for this phenomenon may be the following:

- some discrepancies between the nature of the requirements of the parents and their personal behavior;

- insufficient sensitivity, mental subtlety, tact of parents in some specific situations, insufficient degree of their objectivity in relation to their children;

- the possibility that parents psychologically do not "keep up" with the dynamism, the speed of development of children.

Such, as yet subtle signs of deterioration in relationships with children give parents reason for serious reflection.

OPTION B. Rather, parents try to delve into the interests and lives of children than children themselves share with their parents.

This is the strangest, at first glance, the relationship between parents and children. Parents strive to delve into the lives of children from the kindest and most sincere feelings of love and attention. Parents dream and hope to protect their children from trouble, to warn against dangers, to make them happy. Children understand this, but do not accept it. The bottom line is that the high intentions of the parents are broken in this case by the low pedagogical culture of their implementation. The desire of parents to help their children, their sincere interest in them is not always accompanied by the ability to enter the world of children without pressure and imposing their views, without nervousness and prejudice.

OPTION G. It is more likely that children feel the desire to share with their parents than parents want to delve into the interests and concerns of children.

This type of relationship occurs when parents are too busy with themselves, work, hobbies, their relationships. Often this is expressed in the insufficient fulfillment of parental duty, the passivity of parents in communicating with children, which gives rise to feelings of resentment and loneliness in the latter. And yet, natural affection, love for parents remains, and children feel a desire to share successes and sorrows, knowing that parents still remain their sincere well-wishers.

OPTION D. The behavior and aspirations of children are perceived negatively by parents, and at the same time, parents are rather right.

Such situations are usually associated with the age characteristics of children, when they still cannot fully appreciate the experience of their parents, their efforts aimed at the good of the family. Fair grief of parents is caused by one-sided, detrimental to education, health, temporary hobbies of children, and in some cases - immoral acts. It is quite natural that parents are extremely concerned about everything that can cause moral and physical harm to children. Based on their life experience, views, they try to explain the possible consequences of such behavior, but often come across misunderstanding, disbelief, resistance. It is important that parents always strive to deeply understand the aspirations of children, show patience, respect for their arguments and arguments, since children, even when they are wrong, are usually sincerely convinced that they are right, and parents cannot or do not want to understand them.

OPTION E. The behavior and aspirations of children are perceived negatively by parents, and at the same time, rather, children are right.

In this case, parents take a conflicting position out of the best of intentions, out of a sincere desire for good for their children. But these situations are caused by personal shortcomings of parents who do not have the opportunity or do not consider it necessary to suppress them in themselves, in their relationships with each other and with children. This often manifests itself in nervousness, irascibility, intolerance to a different opinion. Children are especially sensitive to the craving of their parents for drunkenness. This causes a sharp protest on the part of the children. Acute situations are also caused by the pedagogical tactlessness of parents, which is often aggravated by the lack of a common culture. Acute conflicts can arise due to the emotional deafness of parents, since children of all ages are especially vulnerable in moments of subtle emotional experiences, spiritual uplift, lofty aspirations that are not understood by adults. Conflicts in which children are right are fraught with special consequences - many years of childish resentment that can cause disunity between children and parents.

OPTION J. Mutual wrong of parents and children.

The accumulated grievances of early childhood and early adolescence pass from the stage of “keeping in oneself”, first into episodic clashes, and then, if the parents do not understand the essence of what is happening, do not change the tactics of their attitude towards children, into constant, ever-expanding conflicts. Both sides get tired of useless debates and mutual reproaches, gradually lose the ability to listen and understand each other.

OPTION 3. Various relationships with father and mother, or "who do you love more?"

In most families, parents do not need complete unity of action in raising children. This applies to the content of communication, and the content of the requirements, and the tone of their expression, and the nature of rewards and punishments, and the expression of one's feelings, etc. with children can be very different: from the child's need to communicate with one of the parents to complete alienation from the other. This is the case when it is necessary to remember that the unity of attitudes and attitudes is the elementary truth of the pedagogical culture of parents.

OPTION I. Complete mutual alienation and hostility.

There are several most typical causes of this family tragedy.

1. Pedagogical failure of parents. A significant number of parents begin education without having the slightest pedagogical idea about this most complex and responsible matter. And since they themselves were brought up in the family, at school and other educational institutions, they have the illusion of awareness regarding the process of education. K. D. Ushinsky wrote about this paradox: “The art of education has the peculiarity that it seems to almost everyone familiar and understandable, and sometimes even an easy task.”

2. Harsh, almost barbaric methods of "pseudo-education", as a result of which children begin to fear, hate, despise their parents and try to escape from them by any means.

3. Creation from a child of an idol of a family, an appeasing, caressed, capricious, whiny egoist and, as a result, an egocentric and shamelessly indifferent person.

Relationships in the family with the child largely determine his future behavior, the nature of communication and success, since children first of all recognize good and bad attitudes in the family.

Types of relationships in the family with the child

The influence of parents on the child's personality has been described and studied by psychologists in sufficient detail. They were able to identify 4 general types of parent-child relationships in a family:

• Indifferent;
• Authoritative;
• Authoritarian;
• Liberal.

One way or another, but the relationship between children and adults in childhood will be reflected in relationships with adult children.

The system of education in the family is not always realized by parents. In addition to being based on a list of what is acceptable or unacceptable in relation to the child, it must adhere to purposeful methods and goals of education. A prerequisite for family relationships with a child can be:

• Cooperation;
• non-intervention;
• Overprotection;
• Diktat.

Under dictate, the relationship between children and adults is built on the regular humiliation of the child's self-esteem, on the suppression of his opinion and initiative. Such relationships cannot be compared with the goal of education or norms of moral behavior. Often the impact is made with violence, in an orderly tone, with the resistance of the child. In response to pressure from their parents, children, in turn, respond with counterarguments - rudeness, deceit, hypocrisy. Hatred of one's own parents is an extreme response.

The other side of the coin is that when the child’s resistance is nevertheless managed to be broken, this can result in the fact that subsequently a broken personality without self-esteem will grow out of him, devoid of such important qualities as independence, self-confidence and his abilities. It is safe to say that the failures in the life of such a person have a basis and are laid down by dictatorial upbringing in childhood.

Hyper-custody implies such relationships in the family with the child, in which he is protected in every possible way from difficulties and worries. Any request and wish of the child is quickly fulfilled, and he himself does not put any effort into them. Often such relationships occur in families where the child is the only or long-awaited. The goals of educational influences in the process of education are replaced by the task of meeting the needs of children.

In overprotection, the relationship between children and adults leads to the fact that children are insufficiently or completely unprepared for an independent adult life. And if in childhood the manifestations of this may be minimal, then in adolescence, the frequency of breakdowns in this category of children is higher.

Non-interference, so the tactics of education recognize the admissibility and necessity of the independent existence of adults and children, and neither one nor the other should cross the conventionally outlined line. Experts believe that the basis of such interaction in the family is the passivity of parents as educators.

Cooperation in relationships is subject to the common goals and objectives of parents and children, in the presence of joint interests and activities related to them. Only under such conditions can the child's egoism in relationships with his mother and other relatives be overcome.

The influence of family relationships on the behavior of the child

Whether the child's behavior will be adequate or inadequate is largely determined by his relationships in the family. They depend on:

In a family where parents constantly scold and blame, set too high tasks and goals, children develop low self-esteem, as a result of which they are insecure and in a bad mood. That is, the child's behavior becomes inadequate to the objective situation.

On the other hand, inadequacy also manifests itself in the form of high self-esteem, when the child is constantly praised, and the requirements are very mild.

As a result, the child will grow up the way his parents raised him in childhood.

Each family has its own approaches to the upbringing, development and education of their children. We will consider five main types of relationships between parents and children and find out the advantages and disadvantages of such relationships. You may need to rethink your relationship with your children.

Depending on what parents' view of upbringing is, it is possible to distinguish such relationships between parents and children as:

Parents are tyrants

They try to subjugate children with the help of total control over their lives, hiding behind love and care.

Such overprotection weighs on the child. Parents become investigators. They meet from school, control every step, note the time of arrival from friends. The favorite phrase of these parents: "We know better, we have lived our lives."

Of course, you need to watch the child, but without fanaticism. Leaving a family with such an upbringing, the child turns out to be completely unprepared for a harsh life, everything was decided for them by their parents. Life breaks these children, they run away from home or grow up as alcoholics and drug addicts.

Advice to such parents: give children freedom. Let them learn from their mistakes. They will need it.

spineless parents

They themselves did not achieve anything in life, did not realize their dreams. And now they are shifting them to the children, believing that since they did not succeed, the children will succeed.

We must not forget that the child is an independent person, and not the property of the parents. Don't force yourself to go to law school if your child wants to be an artist. Imagine how difficult it is to do something you don't like.

Advice to such parents: give the child the right to choose. If he is having a hard time and is asking you for advice, help him come up with the right answer with leading questions and examples. Let your child live their life, not yours.

Insensitive Parents

From the outside, such parents look cruel. Endless and selfish reproaches: "It's all because of you", "You only cause problems" and the most terrible phrase: "It would be better if you weren't there."

Children harbor deep resentment and even hatred towards their parents. In adulthood, they may subconsciously build their relationships with children in the same way.

Or, another option is to become a strong personality, and ensure that he has other relationships between parents and children in his family.

True, when children grow up, as a rule, they do not want to communicate with such “insensitive parents”.

Advice to such parents: Praise and encourage the child, because his self-esteem has fallen very much because of such reproaches. Restore his trust in you. And most importantly, love your child.

Parents are friends

There is trust between children and parents. Children have complete freedom of action and independence.

Such parents strive to feel young, are interested in the hobbies of young people. The only thing is that the parents themselves do not feel like children's peers, but remain adult friends.

Advice to such parents: Let your friendship with the child not go beyond, so that the child does not begin to feel responsible for adults, i.e. for parents.

Parents are mentors

The best option in the development of relationships between parents and children. These parents take care of their children. They sincerely help children find their way in life and make the right decision, communicate with them at the level of trust and understanding, and approve of their choice. But, unfortunately, there are very few of them.

Advice to such parents: You are on the right track! Continue in the same spirit!

From what the relationship between parents and children, the future life of your children is largely predetermined. Think about it, parents, do you want to make your child suffer, or is it better to hear words of gratitude from your children for your upbringing after many years.

The basis of the psychological well-being of children is harmoniously built relationships between all family members. With frequent discord and conflicts, children suffer, are humiliated, or, on the contrary, a certain privileged position is created for them. At the same time, the development of psychosomatic reactions in the child is inevitable, when adverse psychological factors are manifested by physiological symptoms.

Therefore, it is very important, when any problems arise in the family, not to wait until everything settles down by itself, but to turn to a family psychologist for competent correction. But before things get too far, the relationship between parents and children can be improved using the tips in this article.

An important factor in building relationships between parents and children is the scenario of education. The model of behavior of a parent of the same sex is assimilated from early childhood, subconsciously duplicated. And in the future, creating his own family, he will definitely sublimate this model into his relationships.

At the same time, the child often endures not only the model of behavior, but also the style of upbringing, as well as the complete scenario of the family. Such is the psychology, it happens unconsciously.

Scenario to repeat

Regardless of the scenario of the family, the child perceives and sets aside the behavior model of each parent individually at the subconscious level, as the only possible, natural, normal one. This happens even if this model is far from ideal.

That is why, when creating their own family, adults repeat the behavior of a parent of their own sex, even if this behavior was immoral. Yes, a person is aware that it is unacceptable to behave this way, but he simply does not know how to behave differently. Nobody taught him that it is possible to quite successfully get out of conflict situations, how to be a good spouse and parent. He learned from his parents. Examples from other families may differ, they are, but are not significant.

For example, when she was little, the girl wanted in adulthood not to be like her mother, to behave in a completely different way. This happens if the mother's behavior model is not a worthy role model. But in adulthood, the girl will definitely find a life partner, in many ways similar to her father. At first, she will resist herself. But gradually she will begin to behave, as her mother once did. She simply does not know another relationship scenario and unconsciously transfers the example she knows to her own family.

The version of the scenario of the parental family for the child is a priority. It is deposited at the subconscious level, as the only true way of behavior, communication, stereotype, traditions.

It is noteworthy that in dysfunctional families, where children were treated with disdain, with insults and even beatings, adults do not always grow up with the same attitude towards their own children. If there was a positive example of behavior in the life of a child (for example, families of friends), sometimes he will raise his own offspring in direct opposition to his parents.

Family - the first stage of development

The behavior of parents directly affects the life of the child, the model of his behavior in his own family. It is very important for parents to realize how appropriate the claims, punishments or rewards are. In this way, harmonious relationships can be built.

Parents naturally have the greatest influence on the children in the family. Their upbringing prevails over upbringing in children's institutions. And this directly affects how the personality is formed. In psychology, there are several styles of parenting, which we will discuss in more detail.

parenting styles

Authoritarianism

With an authoritarian style, all the wishes of the parents are the law, they must be fulfilled unquestioningly. But the child is repressed, and adults do not even suspect it. Parents demand obedience, but do not even try to explain the reason for their behavior. And it is not always correct for her to have tight control over his hobbies and interests. As a result, the child grows up closed, there is no contact with parents, he is not self-confident, notorious. Not every child is trying to defend their interests, deciding on a direct conflict.

What can be recommended? First you need to realize that this style is not correct, try to reduce control, pressure. Let the child learn to express himself. It is necessary to respect his interests, desires and hobbies. It is important to work on yourself in order to avoid problems in the future, when a notorious and cowardly person grows up, who will always wait for someone to make a decision for him.

Democracy

Such an approach in psychology is considered the most optimal. At the same time, discipline is taught, independence is encouraged. Children themselves learn to fulfill their duties, and the rights are in no way infringed upon by adults. The attitude towards the child is respectful, his opinion is considered, consulted if necessary. There is also no overprotection, the reasons for punishment are explained. This style has a great effect on conflict resolution, there are practically no big scandals.

Another distinctive feature of this style is moderation. There is no aggressiveness. The child has the makings of a leader, he learns not to succumb to the manipulation of other people. He has well-developed communication skills, the ability to empathize.

What can you recommend to parents? Create a friendly atmosphere so that in the future the children can trust you, count on support, without fear of condemnation or punishment. But at the same time, the measure is important, the child must feel the authority of adults and treat them accordingly.

Liberalism

This style is sometimes called conniving. The upbringing of the child and punishment, the explanation of actions are completely absent. Everything is permitted to him, there are no prohibitions or restrictions. This is very bad, because the child grows up spoiled, believes that everyone owes him, does not take into account the opinions of others. And with any ban, he is not just surprised, but demands what he wants with all the methods available to him, up to aggression and assault on his parents. It is impossible to instill any values ​​in such a child.

What can you advise parents? You can not leave the development of the child to himself. Otherwise, in the future, a bad company will certainly appear in his life, where he will fall under the influence of more authoritative peers. We need to change tactics as soon as possible. Yes, it will not be easy, but gradually the child will get used to the new lifestyle. The main thing is not to stop, not to indulge in tantrums and whims. It is important to introduce any rules, duties for children, to pay more attention to them, to prevent a lack of control.

Based on the foregoing, we can summarize - in order to educate a full-fledged and self-sufficient personality, it is important to be able to combine control and democracy in education, accept your baby as he is, respect his interests, opinions and hobbies.

And in the future, he will transfer such relationships and the experience gained to his own family.

Parenting Approaches

Each family has its own educational system. It is based on creating harmony between its members. In psychology, there are several main approaches to education, including: non-intervention, dictatorship, cooperation And guardianship.

With a dictatorial style of behavior, the dignity and independence of the child is oppressed. Such claims can be made only when necessary, but not always. Otherwise, self-esteem decreases, the fear of expressing one's opinion develops. Such children grow up hypocritical, notorious, do not want to take the initiative, they are easy to manage, which in adulthood is not a positive quality.

If guardianship is the leading type in a family, children are usually protected from difficulties, any worries, any of their needs are met. Of course, parents do not act out of malice, they want to take full care of the child, give him all the best and warn against all troubles. But this is doing a disservice. Children then are not ready for difficulties, they do not know how to establish contact with others, they are not independent, they do not know how to make decisions. And you can't always be there.

With this type of behavior as non-intervention, parents are passive observers from the outside. They do not participate in the life of the child, letting his upbringing take its course. They also do not allow the child to encroach on their personal space, believing that it is not right to devote all the time to the child, you need to live for yourself. There is some truth in this, but you should not go too far.

Collaboration is considered the best approach. In such a family, the child has created comfortable conditions for development.

All households, as a team, act towards one common goal - a happy family in which each member respects the opinion of the other, listens to advice. You can not be afraid to grow an egoist.

Consequences of different approaches

With the democratic method, it is possible to establish harmonious relationships in the family. The child grows up as an independent, responsible, active person. His behavior is flexible, requirements are explained, actions are analyzed. Power is appropriate only when necessary. Obedience is encouraged, as is the independence of the baby. It is important to establish a clear line - they listen to the opinion of the child, but do not proceed from it.

The remaining types of behavior are variants of deviations from the norm. With the authoritarian type, alienation occurs, parents are insignificant to children, they feel unwanted. With unreasonable demands, the response is aggression and protest, or vice versa, apathy and passivity. With a liberal type of upbringing, the child feels permissiveness, does not think about the consequences of his actions, and as a result, growing up, he does not know how to achieve his goals.

Despite the negative consequences, the most common type of upbringing is authoritarianism. This is dictated by the experience of previous generations. Despite the fact that parents understand and remember all the difficulties of this approach, they still try to build the same relationship in their own family. Strength and power is perceived as the fastest and most affordable way to solve problems and conflicts.

When raising a small child, this approach does not meet with possible protests. But in adolescence, a teenager tries to resist, on this basis, conflicts and disagreements constantly arise. And this is the fault of the parents. Therefore, it is very important to choose the most optimal method of education from an early age, since it is almost impossible to change it in the future.

Features of education at the present time

The personality of a person is formed in the family. If they do not take part in the upbringing of the child, friends and acquaintances become the closest, taking an example from which is not always a good idea. You can not dominate the child, suppressing his will, interests and desires. Often in the modern world, adults try to involve strangers in the educational process. This happens due to circumstances (employment, work, lack of experience and desire to acquire it).

If they resort to the services of a nanny, the child does not receive the right amount of love and care. You can leave the baby with the grandparents, only for a short time. This change of scenery is beneficial.

But do not allow the baby to be constantly outside the house. It is important to know for yourself what is invested in the child, and not to trust it to other people.

The responsibility of parents also deserves special attention. Often the child grows up on his own. Parents are sure that he can get the necessary education in kindergarten and at school. And their duties are only to check the diary. This is a big misconception. The family is the primary source of education. This must be remembered. It is important to participate in the lives of children, regardless of age, to know about their interests and hobbies, where he spends his free time, with whom he is friends.

When demands are made calmly without violence, children usually listen. Mutual respect is the key to building harmonious relationships.

How to improve relationships

The process of building trust is not always easy. And you need to start with yourself. It is important to be able to admit your mistakes, apologize to the child, overcome your own negative emotional impulses without taking them out on children.

Important Steps

1. You can not splash out your own negative emotions on others. Learn to say what you feel, finding out the reason for these emotions. Aggression is transmitted to the child, he takes an example from an unbalanced parent.
2. You can't force a child to do something they don't want to do. It is important to encourage his talents, aspirations, even if you do not like them. Praise small and big achievements. Support in failures, do not use humor at such moments so that the child does not think that his problems are unimportant to you, and you just laugh at them.
3. Don't be shy about showing your feelings. It is important to tell the baby that you love, hug more often - tactile contact is very important for a young child. Unloved children grow up unbalanced, aggressive, unable to cope with their emotions.
4. You do not need to dedicate the child to your problems. The alarming state of mom or dad is necessarily transmitted to him. But if an adult, in this way, is looking for a way to solve a problem, then in a child it happens differently. He feels guilty for not being able to help. Learn to solve your problems yourself, without involving children. Otherwise, it will negatively affect the formation of their personality.
5. Learn to clearly explain the rules, requirements. It is important from an early age to give an attitude about what is possible and impossible. And if not, why not. Prohibit less than allow. Education must be consistent. Don't threaten punishment. If you are guilty, punish. There must be consistency in words and deeds.
6. Give your son or daughter the opportunity for personal space, the right to choose. Let them choose their own circle or sports section, wallpaper for their room and clothes.
7. You can not offend other people in front of children. They also shouldn't be allowed to behave like this. If a child tries to offend someone or speaks badly about him, this behavior cannot be justified by the fact that he is still small. There must be rigor and explanation in this.
8. Teach your child to express their emotions by example. For example, if he gets angry, tries to shout hurtful words, say: “I understand, you are angry, offended, angry. It will pass. I would be offended too." In the same way, learn to express joy.
9. Raise your children on your own. Do not leave in the care of grandmothers. Firstly, you shift the responsibility from your shoulders, secondly, grandmothers may have a different view on the way of upbringing, and thirdly, think about the grandmothers themselves! They have already raised you, give them the opportunity to enjoy their age, do not immerse them again in parenting hardships.

Remember that the parent-child relationship in your family is something you create with your own hands.

The child should feel love, need and significance in the family. And this should not be manifested only by material goods. Love your children, pay great attention to education. So they will grow up as full-fledged individuals, in harmony with themselves and others.