What do they answer when they condole. How to condole with death without falsehood: examples of expressions. What to write to a person experiencing the pain of loss

04.07.2020

Our society has practically lost the culture of condolences. News feeds are full of death, but it is not customary for us to talk about death as a part of everyday human experience. However, this can be learned ... The head of the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Patriarch's courtyard - the Church of the Resurrection on Semyonovskaya, told the guests of the 25th International Christmas Educational Readings how to speak correctly with a person in a situation of heavy loss.

To share the pain of the bereaved

First of all, you need to understand that sympathy is not a ritual and not empty words, but a joint feeling, and condolence is a "joint illness." By expressing our condolences, we try to take on some of the pain of others. Condolences can be either verbal or written. Just do not need to do it in the form of SMS messages - for many, this form of expression of sympathy can simply offend.

Condolences are not easy. Condolence is a risk. Behind the words of sympathy should be the work of the soul, we should be prepared for discomfort, for the fact that a person, seized with grief, can react sharply to our words and actions. It must be remembered that unsuccessful forms of expression of sympathy, soulless formal words can cause him additional pain, and the invaluable resource of inner strength will be spent not on overcoming the pain of loss, but on ... “not killing the condolent” ...

The condolent should not restrain himself from expressing his feelings. It is very effective at such a moment to just touch the grieving person, hug, cry next to him, warmly shake his hand. Now, unfortunately, it is not accepted to do this, but experience shows that it works much stronger than words. But at the same time, you need to maintain control over yourself in behavior with the grieving person.

To find the necessary sincere words of consolation, you need to think about your attitude towards the deceased, remember the most important moments of his life, remember what he taught, how he helped and what joys he brought into your life. You need to think about the degree of loss and the history of the development of relations with the deceased of those people to whom you are going to express condolences, try to feel their inner state, their feelings.

In word, deed, prayer

It must be remembered that condolence is not only words, but also actions that can alleviate the situation of a neighbor. Words without deeds are dead. Real help lends weight and sincerity to words. Deeds make life easier for the grieving person, and also allow the condolent to do a good deed. Only words, even the best and most correct ones, are like a car with a steering wheel, but without wheels, but the real thing helps everyone to cope with a difficult situation. Feel free to offer help to the grieving person, find out how you can support him. We can offer help in cash, with the housework, in organizing a funeral ... And we will really help the family where the grief happened, if we take the trouble to take care of the children living in this family. Children at such a moment, when adults are immersed in loss and the care of burial, are often left to their own devices. The child reacts to death with a delay, he may not at all externally express his emotions, so it will seem that he is doing a great job himself, and yet it is the children in this situation that are the weakest link. Grief can overtake a child in six months, and others will not even understand why he is behaving so strangely. This is extremely important: children in this situation should not be left to themselves.

Sometimes mourners refuse help. This refusal should not be interpreted as a personal attack on you. A person in this state cannot always correctly assess the situation.

It is possible to help with deeds, not only by providing material and organizational assistance, although this is also necessary. Our prayer can and should be a deed - both for the deceased and for the grieving. You can pray not only at home, but also in the church, submit memorial notes. You need to tell the grieving person that you will pray, thereby you show that you do not stop communicating with the deceased, that even after death you continue to love him.

Make peace with the departed

Sometimes we are sincerely intimidated to condole with the resentment of the departed or his relatives. In such a state, sympathy, of course, cannot be expressed. Reconciliation is necessary, otherwise our words on duty will inflict additional mental trauma on the grieving person. And if we forgive the insult from the bottom of our hearts, then the necessary words will come by themselves.

It is appropriate here to briefly and tactfully ask for forgiveness for what you think you are guilty of before the deceased, admit your mistake to your relatives and say that you grieve very much that you cannot apologize to him personally.

If nothing comes to mind ...

If you need to say something, but the right words never come to mind, you can say some standard phrases, which, of course, will not have warmth, but which, at least, will not hurt those who are grieving.

"He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you."

“Let it be a consolation for us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him. "

“There are no words to express your sorrow. He has meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget".

“It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me. "

“It’s a pity, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would gladly help you ... "

“Unfortunately, in this imperfect world you have to experience this. He was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me any minute. "

“This tragedy has affected everyone who knew it. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together. "

“Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy were my arguments and quarrels with this bright and dear person. Forgive me! I grieve with you. "

“This is a huge loss and a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him. "

“It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. "

How not to condole

Condolences should be avoided in every possible way bombast, pathos, theatricality... Brief unsubscribing via SMS is one extreme. But there is another - to send a long ornate message in verse, which can be found on the Internet in two minutes. Both are equally tactless, and the basis of these two mistakes is the same problem - the unwillingness to work with the soul. We are often hindered from showing sympathy by elementary selfishness, the fear of disturbing our own mental comfort, as well as the lack of understanding that accepting grief has its own stages.

Completely inappropriate in condolences consolation for the future... “Time will pass, you will still have a child,” “You are beautiful, then you will still get married” ... The man has not yet really realized his loss, has not mourned the deceased. Maybe in a year this girl will be able to say: "Look, you are such a beauty, you will be comforted, there will still be family happiness in your life." But now the grieving person is not interested in the future, the pain of loss in the present is too strong.

Very common is ban on grief: "Don't cry, everything will pass." Or even worse: "Do not cry, you will soak the dead man", "You cannot cry, you anger God" and even "You are now neutralizing prayer with tears." You need to understand that in this situation, the principle "do not cry, until the wedding will heal" does not work. The grieving person will simply hide his emotions, withdraw into himself, which can lead to very severe psychological breakdowns in the future. Usually the prohibition on grief arises precisely because of the "sympathizers" who are traumatized by the emotions and experiences of the grieving person.

Totally unacceptable devaluation and rationalization of loss: "So he is better, he was ill and was exhausted", "Well at least his mother did not suffer", "It's hard, but you still have children", "He died because he would have become a bandit."

Should be avoided in every possible way comparison of losses: "Others are even worse", "You are not the only one." A grieving person cannot compare his own pain to the pain of others.

And of course, in no case should press on a person's guilt: "Eh, if we sent him to the doctor ...", "Why did we not pay attention to the symptoms", "If you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened."

Listening to Mikhail Khasminsky's speech, I remembered my loss. The news of my father's death caught me two years ago on the train, when I was already approaching my destination. I knew that my dad was terminally ill, but I still hoped ... My God, what for ?! Why did I go at all? I remember that at that moment for some reason I was afraid to shock the neighbors in the reserved seat with my tears. But they took my grief with understanding. And I will never forget how one girl - I didn’t even recognize her name - just shook my hand tightly and said only one word in a whisper: “My condolences” ...

Newspaper "Orthodox Faith" No. 04 (576)

Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone died in their relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, to express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the feelings, misfortune of another, expressed in words - in oral or written form - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave, so as not to offend, not hurt, not cause even more suffering?

The word co-sickness speaks for itself. To put it simply, this is not so much a ritual as “ with local disease". Don't let this surprise you. Indeed, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition of a person, and it is well known that "shared grief is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with empathy ( Co-feeling - feeling together, common feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is the sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on some of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolence is not only words, presence next to the grieving person, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who, for whatever reason, cannot express it directly, expresses his sympathy in writing.

It is also part of business ethics to offer condolences on various occasions. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving person

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing oral condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but also causes him in many cases additional pain. Unfortunately, in our time this is not a rare case. I must say that people in grief subtly feel a lie that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and deceitful words, in which there is no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express condolences, consider the following:

Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving person and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
Remember, condolences often go beyond words. If you cannot find suitable words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is sufficient. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) to shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or knew little of him during his lifetime can do the same. It is enough for them to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to support these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Compassionate people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the household and the organization of a funeral, this is also feasible material assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different other types of assistance. Deeds will not only support your words, but also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

Find the right words to express condolences

Finding the correct, sincere, accurate words of condolence that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words necessary in this situation. And prayer calms us down, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will bring condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those at whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolence.

Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences feel now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the necessary words will come by themselves. You just have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences is addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should not in any way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of this person or people.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of oral condolences

Here are some examples of oral condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
Let it be a consolation for us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget…
It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
I'm sorry, my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would gladly help you ...
Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, you have to experience this. He was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me any minute.
This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together
Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy were my arguments and quarrels with this bright and dear man. Forgive me! I grieve with you.
This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
It is difficult to express in words how much he did me good. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without bombast, pretentiousness, and theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the bereaved, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCING THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on 9-40 days of loss (if mourning proceeds normally). ALL TIPS IN THIS ARTICLE ARE GIVEN WITH A CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH LIGHTING.

As we said, the most important thing is that the condolences are not formal. We must try not to say (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that empty, banal, senseless and tactless phrases do not sound when expressing condolences. It is important to note that in trying to comfort a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made that not only do not comfort, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person experiences, perceives and feels everything differently in the shock stage of grief. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of common phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

Can't be "consoled" by the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(If a child died)," You are beautiful, then still get married"(If the husband died), etc. Is a completely tactless statement for the grieving person. He has not yet mourned, has not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is being told about. Therefore, such "consolation" from a person who may think that he thus gives hope to a grieving person is actually tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry, everything will pass "- people who pronounce such words of" sympathy "give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or assert) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the bereaved, and the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don't cry, you need to cry less,” say those people who do not understand the feelings of the bereaved. This is most often because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they give such advice in an attempt to escape from this trauma.

Naturally, if a person cries constantly for more than a year, then this is already a reason for contacting a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine"- another rather empty statement, which the condolent presents himself as optimistic and even as giving hope to the bereaved. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, it is not very important for him what will happen next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help.

« Bad of course, but time heals"- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and charity can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it makes no sense to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing a loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be so now. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Here is a metaphor: for example, a child has been hit hard, is in great pain, cries, and they say to him, "It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to say wishes to the bereaved, which are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to return to work as soon as possible,” “I hope that you will soon recover your health,” “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy,” etc. First, these wishes, which are forward-looking, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see. This means that these phrases will, at best, disappear into emptiness. But it is possible that the grieving person will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply cannot physically do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of loss from this does not diminish, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe

“He’s better this way. He was sick and exhausted "- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression from the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases it can provoke a grieving person to resent the departed - "You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grieving can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often, when expressing condolences, the following statements are also heard: “It's good at least the mother was not hurt”, “It's hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be told to the grieving person. The arguments that are made in such statements, too, are not able to reduce a person's pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. The mother will not replace the deceased father, and the second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are even worse than you"(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many are suffering, here you have a husband, and their children have died, etc.) - this is also a fairly common case in which a condolent tries to compare the grieving person with that, " who is even worse. " At the same time, he expects that the grieving person from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, which can be even more difficult, and thus the pain of the loss will decrease.

This is not a valid move. You cannot compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of others. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is bad, then this does not improve, but on the contrary worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to be harmful than beneficial.

You can't look for the "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot speak and mention that death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Eh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why did we not pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then perhaps it wouldn’t have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if we wouldn’t let him go ”and so on.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause an additional feeling of guilt in a person who is already very worried, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the “culprit” or “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find an “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are completely inappropriate statements when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (brought to justice)”, “these terrible doctors should be tried. " These statements (rightly or unjustly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of the guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, in no way can alleviate the pain of loss. The punishment of the one guilty of death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements lead the grieving person into a state of strong aggression against the dear person responsible for the death. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression against a guilty person at any moment on himself, than make himself worse. So you shouldn't utter such phrases, kindling the fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave - God took"- another often used "consolation", which in fact does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person onto God. It must be understood that a person in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not become easier because it was taken by God and not by another. But the most dangerous thing is that by proposing in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings for God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, and the soul of the deceased, is precisely the appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties arise for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in God's hands”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like this” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not comfort, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a feeling of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses "condolence" in this way puts himself in the role of a judge, who not only knows the reason, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain reasons with the effect. This characterizes the condolent as ill-mannered, thinking a lot of himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, in spite of what a person has done in his life, only God alone has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that "consolation" by condemnation, assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences", it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, either it is good or nothing."

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

Often they say condolences the phrase "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of the other, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you have experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except for the one who is experiencing it. And everyone's soul hurts especially too. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced it. You don't have to compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. Better to limit yourself to the words "I can only guess how bad you are", "I see how you grieve"

It is strongly discouraged to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did this happen?" “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before he died?” This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the grief to the grieving person more easily - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father died too, ”and so on. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your grief is not worth it. Thus, there can be an increase in grief and pain, mutual induction, which not only does not improve, it can also worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is a weak consolation for a person that others are also bad.

Condolences are often expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You have to live for the sake of "," You must endure "," You must not "," You need to, you need to do "... Such addresses, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to debt for a person who is in acute grief are often ineffective and usually cause confusion and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of emotions, and he is also obliged to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that it is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea, when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express empathy in verse. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grieving psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also gives the following recommendations of what should NOT be done when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The grieving person's refusal to speak or offered help should not be interpreted as a personal attack on you or against your relationship with him. It should be understood that the grieving person at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the refusals of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait for it to bounce back.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, depriving him of your support, ignore him. The grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to impose, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving person. Do not ignore him, but go and explain to him.

You cannot be intimidated by intense emotions and leave the situation. Often, sympathetic people are frightened by the strong emotions of those who are grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. Despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who is experiencing acute grief is at the mercy of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will have no result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You can not use force (squeeze in an embrace, grab hands). Sometimes the condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the bereaved. Strong expressions of emotion, hugging.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

The ethical rules state that “often not only relatives and close friends, who usually participate in funerals and commemorations, but also comrades and simply distant acquaintances are notified of the death of a loved one. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in the funeral ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If the mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family in order to express condolences personally, to be near the mourners, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Traditionally, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they just put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death during a condolence visit, tactlessly talk on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or discussing business problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for another reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for any reason, then a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message should be sent. "

Written expression of condolence

How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, a candidate for the topic "Worldview Aspects of Life" writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility, one can find samples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of announcement, love, instructive, imperative. The letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, the conduct of correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to the events associated with the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the situation of others, to understand and take to heart their grief and joy was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad - you need to read these sincere letters in order to see to what height of delicacy and moral sensitivity even an unstable person could raise this ability to be imbued with someone else's grief. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then a voivode in Kazan, died of fever almost in front of the tsar's eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, by the way, wrote: “And you, our boyar, would not grieve over the measure, but you must not, so as not to grieve and not cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God do not anger. " The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and the abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us. "(Klyuchevsky V.O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of the everyday life of the nobility. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means of not only transmitting information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. The letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on the speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality, the emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and way of life, the circle of communication and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group - letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death, than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually consolation letters. They were often the answer to the letter of notice. But even if the bereaved did not send a letter of notice about the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemorating the deceased.
The third group consisted of written responses to consolation letters, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious beliefs, faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has become somewhat taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy was lost; a void has formed in this sphere. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Consolation letters became formal etiquette, but they did not completely leave the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, to help those who write on a difficult topic, the so-called "Writers" began to be published. These were guidelines for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, samples of letters, phrases and expressions were given as applied to various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. “Consolation Letters” is one of the sections of the writers who gave advice on how to support the bereaved, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the bereaved, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a consolation letter necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of a recommendation for writing consolation letters in one of the 18th century writers, The General Secretary, or the New Full Writer. (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Consolation letters “In this kind of letters, the heart should be touched and say one thing, without the help of reason. … You can dismiss yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no praiseworthy habit of how to comfort each other in sorrow. Fate only inflicts misfortunes on us, that we would have acted inhumanly if we had not given such reliefs to one another. When the person to whom we are writing surrenders to her sorrow with excess, then instead of suddenly holding back the first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and state of the writer, to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice more than grieve about someone's death, it is better to leave such vivid representations. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, it is possible to speak more at length about the disasters that are not shared with the human condition. Generally speaking: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us undergo in this life? The lack of property makes you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more ordinary than to see the tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend. "

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! Not to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor to write this letter to you, for your sorrow is very correct, but to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better to say, to mourn with you together the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless benefits. Consider, sovereign, if I have reason to regret him and join my tears to your tears of our common sorrow. Nothing can comfort my sorrow, except complete obedience to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the blessedness of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, nevertheless one must be comforted by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to his low-temporal pleasure here. Honor him as an eternal content in your memory, imagining his dignity and the love he had for you in his life. Rejoice yourself with the education of your children, in whom you see him revived. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying for him with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he never remembers them. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitudes towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today, we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the topic of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a genuine need for empathy. Probably for this reason, the "writers" exist now, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn death…. She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. We remember how she once…. She also involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of compassion and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I have never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how anxiously he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him. I think many will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very happy if you could share your memories of your dad. I think about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name )’s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep regret for his / her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned of the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who has faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings about the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday about the death of Mr. ...

Example 5. It was a great shock for us to hear about the sudden death of Mr. ...

Example 6. It is difficult for us to believe the sad news of the death of Mr. ...

Condolences over death are one way of showing compassion for a bereaved person. They are expressed in short phrases of their words, to the relatives of the deceased, sincerely, from the heart orally or in writing. When giving condolences, you need to be extremely tactful, not to say too much. Consider the degree of kinship, cause of death, person's faith. Believe me, this is not just given to everyone, so the article has something to talk about, namely, how to express the words of sadness.

What the heart tells

On an intuitive level, people understand that support is needed in such situations. A suffering person always seeks participation from the environment. But not everyone can find the appropriate phrases and expressions, for many it is difficult.

If there is an inner feeling that words in a particular situation are superfluous or you can get confused while saying them, it is better to approach and hug the person. This is often the best way to give condolences. A silent hug shortens the distance and helps to realize that his loss is understood and he is not alone in his grief.

What can you say to the loved ones of the deceased?

At the same time, tactile contact is not always appropriate. Therefore, it is important to have an idea of what is being said on such days. You don't need to make a long speech. Words of sorrow should be succinct in content, but short.

In what form is it appropriate to express condolences

A quick form of communication is not suitable (SMS, Viber), when you need to convey the depth of feelings - this is not the best way. The best way to show your support is in person, when you meet or on the phone. It is necessary to speak from the heart and in your own words.
If you have poetic talent, then write a poem. However, on the day of a person's death, reading it will be inappropriate. This option is suitable for commemoration on the ninth day or on the first anniversary of death. The poem does not have to be read. It is better to write it on paper and put it next to the photograph of the deceased.
Alternatively, you can send an obituary to the newspaper. The funeral note can be individual and collective. However, this does not negate personal communication.

Common mournful phrases

There are well-known mournful phrases, among them:

"Rest in peace". It is recited after burial and at commemoration.
"The pain of loss is beyond words."
"I offer my condolences and sincere sympathy for your grief."
"Please accept my condolences on the death of (name of the deceased Yiwu)."
"We will keep in our hearts a kind and bright memory of (Yiwu)."
“To the depths of my soul, I was shocked by your grief. I grieve with you. "
"My condolences. It's hard to believe that we won't see (HI) again. I share your pain of loss. "

How to tactfully offer help

If there is an opportunity to provide financial assistance, then this must be done personally, it is unlikely that you will be asked for money, although a funeral is always a big expense. On the desire for complicity during the preparation, holding or after the funeral ceremony, then you need to offer your services. The person will know that there is someone to turn to.

Phrases that you can use to express your desire to support the grieving person:

"Let me help you financially."

"I will be there and will render all possible assistance to you and your family."
“You can count on my support these days. I will help in solving any (or specific) issues. "
"Feel free to count on my participation."
"I really want to help, count on me."

You must offer help sincerely. In order for a person to feel your participation, he may really need it, then with the words spoken, take his hand (s) in your palms and squeeze lightly. The grieving person will surely feel the sincere power of your words.

Forms of expressing condolences

The depth of the experience differs depending on who the person has lost. How is the loss of friends, or a close relative: mother, father, children endured. Therefore, the words of condolence should be selected in accordance with the loss that happened.

The cause of death must be taken into account, it may vary:

Due to old age.
Due to a serious illness.
Early, sudden, premature death.
Tragic death, accident.

The only unshakable condition that must be observed is to say words of condolences sincerely and from the heart.

Condolences

About the death of a grandmother or mother

If a person has lost his mother or grandmother, then you can support him with the words:

“I share the pain of loss and experience it with you. I will remember (IS) with the warmest words. "
“This loss is hard to accept. It hurts even to think that (IWU) is no longer with us, but a fond memory will always remain in our souls. "
“How early the Lord took your mother. How hard it is for you, what a grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. "
“Sincere condolences to you, my dear. What a wonderful person passed away. As if a candle had gone out. "
“Eternal memory will remain in my soul about your mother (grandmother). She was always kind and welcoming. I grieve with you. "

About the death of a father or grandfather

Lost words about the death of a brother, father or grandfather:

“Please accept my sincere condolences. I am deeply concerned about leaving (IS). He was a support for you and your loved ones. "
“(Name of the deceased) was a strong personality. Therefore, we need to show wisdom and endure this grief. We will continue what he did not complete. "
"We will carry a good memory of him throughout our lives."
“I offer you my deepest condolences. I am very saddened by your death (IWU). He was a wonderful person, we, like you, will miss him. "
“Please accept my empathy in connection with the departure of a loved one, dear person. Be strong, I am always with you. "

About the loss of her husband

If a woman's husband has died, then express your sympathy as follows:

“My condolences on the death of your spouse. You went through life together, but you got to experience this grief. We will help you get through these difficult days. Be strong. "
“It is impossible to make up for the loss. But the Lord will give strength to survive the loss. We will always keep the bright memory of (Yiwu). "
“It is difficult to find words of consolation. The loss is irreparable, but we will be there, remember this. "

On the death of a brother or friend

If a person's brother or close friend has passed away, then you can express your support with phrases such as:

“An irreparable loss. We cannot believe that he is not there. Eternal memory (IS) ”.
“He left this world, but remained in our hearts. We will remember him as long as we live. "

Words of support

To the relatives of the deceased

You can express condolences to the relatives of the deceased in writing by sending a message or telegram:

"Our condolences. It's hard to talk, even harder to come to terms with the loss. Bright memory".
“It is impossible to resurrect (IU) with words, but we will be there. Eternal memory to the golden man. "
“The bright man has left our world. Grief cannot be expressed in words. He (she) lived modestly and quietly, and left, as if a candle had burned out. The Kingdom of heaven".

To a close friend or girlfriend

If grief happened to a close friend, then you can express condolences to him with words such as:

“Your grief has hurt my heart deeply. Whether my words will comfort you, I don't know, but you can count on me in everything. Let's pray together for the soul of the deceased. "
“Please accept my condolences, my friend. I deeply respected (IS). It is difficult to find words of consolation, as I understand the severity of the loss. I will be there and together we will go through this grief. "
“My friend, I am sincerely sorry that he (she left), but (IWU) is looking at us from heaven. Be strong. Count on my support, I share the grief and troubles with you. "

Support a close friend, first of all, be with her. At the first meeting, be sure to hug and say words like:

“My dear, Friend, I will pray for the peace of the soul (IWU) with you together. Only prayer will help to survive this grief. "
“Your grief is my grief. I am experiencing it together with you and I am grateful to the fate that I was familiar with (IW and the degree of kinship). "
“Now it hurts a lot, my dear, be strong. I will support you in everything. You can count on my help any minute. "
“This news shocked me to the core. I will never forget how she (he) met guests, was kind to everyone and tried to help. I sympathize and cry with you. "

Work colleague

If the grief happened with a work colleague, then you can support it with words such as:

“I know about the death of a person close to you. I will pray for the repose of his soul. "
"Our condolences. We will pray for her (for him). May the Lord reward her (him) for all the good deeds done on Earth. "
“We are shocked by what happened. We sincerely sympathize with you and offer our help. "
“The loss of a loved one shocked us. We share the bitterness of loss, grieve and pray with you. Everlasting memory".
“The loss of a mother is a grief. It is always difficult to say goodbye to loved ones. We grieve with you. "

On the death of a work colleague

If it happened that a work colleague died, then at the memorial table or in the cemetery you can say the following phrases:

“We worked together for several years, we met almost every day. He was a good worker, his young colleagues took an example from him. He (IWU) will forever remain in our memory as an example of life's wisdom, humanity and honesty. Rest in peace".
“His (her) dedication to work and friendly attitude towards colleagues will forever remain in our memory. We loved and respected (IWU), and now we will remember with kind words and prayer. "
“He (she) was a great friend and colleague. We will miss (name of the deceased). The Kingdom of heaven".
“It's hard to believe that he (IS) is no longer alive. More recently, we went to lunch together, drank coffee and laughed merrily. I will miss you, your advice and jokes. Sleep well".

Short phrases about the loss of loved ones

Sometimes it is enough to limit yourself to a few words, but they must be sincere:

“This news shocked me. It is difficult to accept it, but it is impossible to accept it. Be strong. "
"I share with you the pain of loss."
“This news was a heavy blow. Let us pray and remember (IS) ”.
“He (she) meant a lot to us. We grieve with you. "
“Grief clouds the mind. Be strong, he would not want to see you cry. "

Mourning words

Muslims

If a close person has died of a Muslim, then you can support him with the following phrases:

"May Allah forgive all the sins of the deceased and console you."
"May Allah forgive the sins of the deceased."
"May Allah have mercy on him."

Orthodox

An Orthodox person can be supported with short phrases like:

“A terrible loss. I pray for the soul of God's man (IWU) ",
"Light peace to dust (IWU)".
"Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Rest in peace".
"Kingdom of Heaven and Eternal Memory."
"God is merciful."
"Lord, rest with the Saints."

How to express sympathy to the parents of children who have passed away?

The death of children is a cruel mistake of nature. It is the children who should bury their mothers, fathers, but not vice versa. There is no consolation for parents, grief until the end of days, only to pray for their peace and to be, if possible, close to the mourning.

2014 was a difficult year in my life, I almost lost my son, he is in a wheelchair, but alive. But he is with me, I can hug him, kiss him, squeeze him. But this year my friend lost two minor children and her husband in a car accident. What words? They just don't exist. She herself is a psychologist, she works at a school where her children ran along the corridors. Where this woman took and takes the strength to live on, she alone knows.

“What a misfortune. I grieve with you. "

Tatyana Snezhina "We are only guests in this life"

Important points

When bringing condolences to any person on death, you need to pay attention to such nuances as:

When the situation requires an official tone, for example, the boss's mother died, then condolences can be expressed in writing from the entire team. If it was decided to present them personally, then one person should do it. Do not go to the office or home of the bereaved in a group.
You should not read a poem that was found on the Internet at a funeral or commemoration. If it is really emotional and appropriate to the situation, then you need to write it on paper, handing it over to the relative of the deceased.
Sorrowful condolences to the most dear people are expressed with sincere words, moving away from stereotyped phrases. There is no universal advice here. You need to listen to your heart. Often times, touching (hugs, hand on shoulder) is stronger than touching words of sympathy.
When pronouncing mourning words, you need to rely on 4 feelings: sincerity, a desire to help, sympathy and attention to a person.
People in deep grief may respond inadequately to even the most sincere condolences. You should not take offense at them or sort things out. Anger towards the whole world, depression, guilt, rejection of what happened - all this is a variant of the norm. Awareness of the situation is different for everyone. It takes time and the compassion of loved ones.

As Cicero said: "The life of the dead continues in the memory of the living." Therefore, you need to remember about relatives and friends who have passed away. This should be taught to your children.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones!

For us he is alive and somewhere near,
In memories, in heart and in dreams
The soul is always alive, it knows everything
And he sees how we are suffering now!
The sky has become more of one angel,
And this is obvious, I know for sure!
Today, tomorrow and all my life
We remember, love and grieve!

I asked God to return everything
It was as if he didn’t want to hear me,
The path of a short life has passed,
We are no longer allowed to see you ...

When we met in secret
When playing checkers
Then everything was cool
You were with us Arkashka!

Now you are not there,
Permeated with sorrow
I remember all the time
And I really miss ...

Perhaps you came
Well, for God's sake, I ask you:
"You come to me more often,
I am always looking forward to you! "

I feel bad without him ... Unbearable
I just exist, I don't live
Oh Lord, give me some strength!
I don't ask for more

Separation cuts and strangles more and more
There is no air. Only bitter gray smoke
All sounds strain the ear and soul,
And the world somehow became empty

I close my eyes and imagine that he is there
Will stab your heart with a flutter in your chest
His face with a blank and sad look
And quietly I whisper: "Don't leave ..."

The soul shrinks into a ball
He was given a short term ..
And he could not do much,
Although I wanted to continue to live I could,
But alas ...
The time is over and life is too short ..
And it's not easy to part, but nothing can be returned,
And a sharp knife to my heart ...
And it's better not to touch anything,
Did you want to help? well...
You can't help with anything
And the strip of the knife will not grow together
You are dying slowly
You scream as if you are not breathing
But all in vain .. He went to another world forever ...

You are gone, the whole world has darkened ...
the heart is beating already barely audible ...
I do not believe that you are not there.
Why did it turn out this way?
You left, taking everything with you ...
Tears froze in my eyes ...
And in my heart there is only a dumb pain ...
We will remember YOU forever ...

Hearts are burning and candles are crying
According to our dear ones.
And in the early morning, afternoon and evening
We remember them, we yearn and grieve
We ask their souls for eternal rest
Let's keep love and memory
And we pray on our knees
And again we yearn and grieve.

All poems for you, my angel,
Pain pierces through them every word
And the soul cannot find its peace
Until we are together again.

You will live an eternal memory
And whoever says anything
There, behind the graveyard fence,
The world keeps the memory of you.
People like you will not be easily forgotten
The eyes will remain glistening with tears.
And for a very long time people will still be
Carry you bouquets of scarlet roses.
Do you sleep. But everything is so unusual.
Everything reminds of you.
And only the rain is so quiet, barely audible
Knocks. As if he was saying hello.

It's so hard for me to live without you
And you - you tease and disturb.
You can't replace me
The whole world .... But it seems that you can.
I have my own in the world:
Deeds, successes and misfortunes.
I just miss you
For complete human happiness.
It's so hard for me to live without you:
Everything is uncomfortable, everything is disturbing ...
You cannot replace the world, -
But he can't have you either!

Our loved ones don't die -
They return in warm rain.
They even return from paradise
To see how we love and wait.
Having run through the gardens and across the field,
Having drunk flowers and forests,
Having breathed enough native air,
Rise up - into the heavens.
Rise up - by evaporation,
Turning into a cloud again
And they spill again - in a downpour,
To see our love.
Our loved ones don't die.

There was a man and suddenly he was gone.
His heart stopped beating.
Mom is crying, beloved is crying,
What have you done, you've ruined him.
But it could have been different
And do not help the grief, you cry.
You don't know how to live further,
Only during life you forget to love.

I can't hear the voice of my own
No kind, cute eyes are visible.
Why was fate cruel?
How early you left us!
Great sorrow cannot be measured
Tears cannot help grief,
You are not with us, but forever
You will not die in our hearts.
No one could save you
Passed away too early.
But the bright image of yours is dear
We will remember constantly ...

When the closest one leaves,
Dear, beloved person.
The whole world will appear as a bitter drama
Where everything turns black, even the snow.
And never! Nothing in the world
The warmth of their hands is no substitute.
As long as you're alive, don't be stingy
To give your love to your relatives ...

You went into holy eternity
And our pain cannot be helped,
And the name of pain is infinity ...
You left us in another world - there,
From where there is no return
Leaving the memory of myself, love,
The sadness and pain of loss.
You reign in heaven,
And we have to carry roses to the grave.
May the earth rest in rest for you,
And the soul - eternal rest.

Words cannot express the pain of loss
Nobody knows when trouble will come.
Fate alone is to blame
That you left us forever, forever.
May it be easy for you there
And the memory of You will remain here with us.
Sleep well, the earth is like swan down,
And to the soul - the Kingdom of Heaven.

You have gone into holy eternity, and our pain cannot be helped,
and the name of pain is infinity ...
You left us in another world - to where there is no return,
leaving the memory of myself, love, sadness and pain of loss.
You reign in heaven, and we carry roses to the grave.
May the earth rest in rest for you, and eternal rest for your soul.

People can write obituaries to our newspaper. Question: can the word "condolence" be used in the plural? For example, the management and the trade union committee of the enterprise express their sincere condolences over the death of an employee. And more to this topic: is it possible to use the phrase "in connection with the death"?

Combination express their sincere condolences to plural is perfectly correct.
Combination in connection with the death correct, but the preposition in connection with better to replace.


	Question No. 274553

Good afternoon.
"I offer my deepest condolences to the families and friends of the victims."
Can the verb "bring" be used in relation to "condolences"? Or is it better to express?