If the child is not friends with anyone: the struggle with childhood loneliness. What to do if the child is not friends with anyone? Ways to overcome this problem Strategy and tactics of your actions

21.05.2022

Your baby is growing up, and everything feels like family society is no longer enough for him, which means it's time to expand his social circle.
To check if the child is ready for this, answer the following QUESTIONS:

Does your child have a lot of familiar peers? Does he enjoy talking to them?
Does the kid want to meet?
Does he quickly get used to the new team?
Can you leave your baby alone without fear that he will cry as much as if you are leaving him forever?
Does he actively participate in various children's amusements when guests come to your house, in the yard, on the street, in kindergarten?
Does he know how to invent games for himself, for brothers and sisters, friends?
Are other children drawn to him, do they invite him to visit? How do parents of friends feel about his visits?
Is your child friendly?
Does he get offended often? How long does he remember the insults caused by any of his friends or relatives?
Does he know how to stand up for himself if the need arises?

If you answered “yes” to at least half of the questions, then your child most likely freely makes new acquaintances, without experiencing discomfort when meeting unfamiliar people. Such a child will painlessly enter the new team.
If you answered negatively to most of the questions, your baby is not yet ready to communicate with peers: new acquaintances will cost him a lot of effort. It will take endurance and patience to help the baby master the science of communication.

Why is it difficult for a child with peers

In the life of every child, one day a very important event occurs: he joins a new team - goes to kindergarten, meets the guys in the yard, etc. Not always a new circle of friends immediately becomes close, very often it is difficult for a child to find a true friend, and new experiences do not bring him anything but resentment and disappointment.
What are the reasons for this? It always seemed to you that you have a sweet, charming baby, sociable with adults who are at your home, getting along well with their children. And then he suddenly withdrew into himself, does not want to go to kindergarten or the yard, because he does not like to play with other children.
The fact is that the natural state of a child is to reach out to peers, to play with them. And if he does not look for friends, strives for loneliness, then the harmony of his relations with the outside world, with himself, has been violated. It is necessary to understand the causes of what is happening as soon as possible and try to correct the situation.

Getting into a new team, even sociable children are sometimes lost. What can we say about those who experience difficulties in communicating with peers because of their individual characteristics: increased emotionality, high or low self-esteem, conflict, aggressiveness, isolation, shyness?

The reasons for such deviations in the child's behavior can be very different: excessive attachment to one of the family members, spoiledness, excessive parental care, limiting the communication of the baby due to fear of negative influence on him from friends, a ban on playing with peers at home due to the illness of any of the family members, the fatigue of the parents after a busy day at work, the unwillingness to disturb the order in the house, etc.
A child forcibly isolated from peers does not satisfy the natural need for communication. Over time, even the most beloved toys bother the baby, and he begins to experience emotional discomfort. Communication with children is replaced by many hours of sitting in front of a TV or computer, which can also lead to headaches, visual impairment, mental disorders. Having become accustomed to solitude, the child is unlikely to be able to establish contact with other children.
When a baby first begins to communicate with his peers, he is faced with an unusual environment for himself: there are many new faces around, not similar to each other, each child has his own character ... I want to play with everyone, make friends, but something prevents me from feeling comfortable in this seemingly desirable environment.
There is nothing surprising in this. The fact is that the child is accustomed to communicating in a close family circle, where he feels protected, surrounded by care, where all attention is paid only to him, where there is always a mother, father, grandmother or grandfather who will explain, help, regret ... Now he has to independently solve such difficult problems even for an adult, such as approaching new people, choosing a friend or girlfriend.
Recently, I have often been contacted by confused parents, whose children, by their behavior, resemble snails or hermit crabs living in their tight, closed little worlds. Any attempts by peers to communicate with them end in failure: they hide in their “house” and do not give in to any persuasion.

Here is one mother's story:
“When Masha was three years old, I left my job. The husband earns decently, and the donka wanted to pay more attention. Before that, she went to kindergarten, and I thought that a few hours of evening communication and joint weekends were not enough to build a normal relationship. Now my daughter is always in front of my eyes, everything is somehow calmer. Whatever I do - cook, iron clothes, wash - she is always there: she fiddles with the doll, then she draws. But when we go for a walk, it is not suitable for children. I tell her to play with the girls, but she doesn't play any. In a year she has to go to school, and she is not a step away from me. I take her to a group for preschoolers, so I have to sit under the door during classes, because she won’t let me go.

The reason for this behavior of the girl is a suggestion, albeit involuntary, on the part of the mother that her daughter can only feel good next to her.

One more example. At the reception, a mother with a three-year-old son: “For a whole week I have been trying to leave my child in kindergarten, but I have not succeeded. Every morning turns into a nightmare. As soon as we approach the kindergarten, he "withdraws into himself", stops answering my questions. Yesterday I still left him in the garden, and as a result, he cried all day, didn’t eat anything, didn’t play with the children ... ”I talked with the boy in the presence of my mother and noted that he had an open and trusting look, he strives to communication, sincerely wants to make friends.
In a conversation with my mother, I found out that the baby is very developed: he counts up to 100, knows letters, recites many poems by heart. At home, he is mainly under the supervision of his grandmother, who does not have a soul in her grandson and takes care of him like a greenhouse plant. The boy in this case was so accustomed to the caring attitude of a loving grandmother that he was simply afraid to be left alone in a large unfamiliar team. Excessive attachment to relatives and the resulting shyness prevented him from behaving uninhibitedly with his peers. I advised my mother or grandmother to spend a few days in kindergarten with the boy to help him get used to the new environment. A week later, my mother came to the reception alone and said that the boy got used to the new team, made friends with the kids. The presence of relatives created a sense of security, which contributed to the fact that the child saw the positive aspects of communication with peers and easily fit into the new environment.

Difficulties in communication can be caused by various traumatic circumstances. The kid could be offended, called names, given a bad nickname. After that, a beginner is unlikely to want to communicate with children, or even be near them at all.

Such a case occurred with triplets of four years old who refused to go to kindergarten when they were called three piglets (the girls were somewhat overweight). Only thanks to the special attention of the parents, who helped the girls to perceive their lack with humor, and the sensitivity of the teacher of another kindergarten, who managed to prevent such an incident and introduce the sisters into the already established children's team, the girls were able to get rid of their fears and find friends.

The first contacts of the baby with peers often end sadly.
One of the most common reasons for this is the excessive shyness of the child. This problem occurs, as a rule, if the parents of the baby are very domineering and intolerant. Noticing any shortcomings in the child, they try to put pressure on him, believing that talking in raised tones, pressure can eradicate them.

This method of education only exacerbates the situation, increasing the child's shyness, which at the same time can cause "withdrawal" or the so-called "quiet aggressiveness". In the latter case, the baby will protest not in an open, but in a hidden form: everything will be done to spite you.

Another reason that a child cannot establish contact with other children is his excessive selfishness and desire for leadership. Most often, this problem is faced by the only children in the family or children who were born first and for some time brought up as the only ones. A selfish child is always the creation of the hands of close relatives with whom he lives: mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers. Having become accustomed to general attention in the family, the baby strives to take a central place in the new team, to become a leader. But peers, as a rule, do not accept such children in the company, they do not want to obey the will of a newcomer, it is very difficult for them to understand and accept his whims. And what could be more offensive for a child, whose every whim in the family has always been perceived as a guide to action? He will not be able to immediately reorganize and agree to behave with peers on an equal footing. Therefore, he can withdraw into himself, become touchy, taciturn, or, conversely, too aggressive, intractable, stubborn. So the desire of the family to limit themselves to one child in order to give him all the best sometimes turns into a serious problem: he cannot learn to communicate normally not only with children, but also with adults, demanding the unconditional fulfillment of all his whims.

Violation of the harmony of relationships with others can lead to the fact that not only in early childhood, but also at an older age, it will be difficult for a child to find friends among peers.

So how do you determine which of the two types (shy or selfish) your child is? It happens that children behave completely differently in the family than outside it, and sometimes even very observant parents cannot give an exact answer to the question: what is my child like? Try a simple mental exercise. Have the children draw a full-length picture of themselves on a piece of white paper.
Children's drawing is rightfully considered the "royal way" of knowing the world of a child; it is not for nothing that they are interested not only in teachers and psychologists, but also in historians, philosophers, ethnographers, and artists. The first publication on the psychology of children's drawing was published in 1887 in Italy, and since then the number of psychological studies on this topic has been steadily growing. Most of them state that children's creativity reflects the level of development of the baby, since he draws not what he sees, but what he understands.
If the kid drew himself in the form of a very small figure somewhere in the corner of the sheet, this may indicate his self-doubt, shyness, desire to be small and inconspicuous. Parents in this case urgently need to start adjusting the child's self-esteem. If he does not learn to recognize himself as necessary and useful to people, you risk losing him as a person.
You can invite the child to draw himself and friends. Pay attention to the position of the figures. If the baby has depicted himself in the center, perhaps he has the makings of a leader; if all the children are holding hands and their figures are about the same size, your child most likely easily converges with other children; if his own figure is depicted somewhere aside and at the same time smaller than the other figures, this is a warning about serious problems in communicating with peers.
There are children who manage to communicate only with people of a certain circle. Some of them cannot get along with their peers, but quickly find a common language with children much younger or older than themselves. Others tend to communicate only with boys or only with girls, others prefer the company of adults.
Children striving to communicate with children older than themselves very often overtake their peers in development, games with which they are simply not interested. At the same time, if a child likes to mess around with kids, this does not at all mean that he is lagging behind in development, it’s just that in the process of upbringing he has developed a certain stereotype of behavior, which consists in the constant need to patronize someone.
The inclination to play only with boys or only with girls is explained by the peculiarities of the upbringing or temperament of the child. The behavior of such children also requires correction. After all, when a child becomes an adult, he will have to live in a society that is not distinguished by its homogeneity. Therefore, it is important from an early age to focus it on communication with different people.

Children who prefer to be in the company of adults (often they sit in the same room with adults, listen with interest to their conversations, trying to insert their own word), are very attached to their parents, so it is difficult to converge with their peers.

So, two types of children are especially prone to difficulties in communicating with peers: "quiet" and potential leaders. One way or another, the leader will find his place "under the sun", will not make friends in the world, so he will "win" them. It is much more difficult for a shy child, so the next chapter is devoted to this type of child.

How to overcome shyness

One of the main reasons why your child cannot communicate with other children is excessive shyness. It happens that even gullible children, kind, sincere, potentially ready for communication, cannot overcome the psychological barrier and establish contact with their peers.
How can you help your son or daughter learn to communicate freely?
First of all, do not tie the child to you. Of course, it is very pleasant to feel your need for this cute baby, to revel in her love, her desire to always be there. But such attachment can lead to the formation of an unviable personality, following the lead of a stronger one, hiding from solving any problems that arise.

Parents need to learn that communication with other children is just as necessary for preschoolers as communication with family members. If being in the family circle gives the child a sense of self-worth, then contacts with peers stimulate the development of personality. If you want your baby to grow into a full-fledged person, do not deprive him of either one or the other.

Parents should understand that it is very important for a child to invite guests to his home at least sometimes. Self-affirmation is necessary at any age, and your own home is the most suitable place for this. Here he can boast about the cleanliness and order in his room, a collection of inserts or stickers from chewing gum, a variety of toys, he can show off his beloved puppy or kitten, which was presented to him for his birthday. This increases the authority of the baby in the eyes of other children, and therefore, helps them gain self-confidence. In addition, games at home are no less important than games on the street. Of course, you should agree in advance with the baby that after the guests leave the room will be the same order as before their visit. And if someone is sick or resting in the house, explain that it is advisable to choose quiet activities for fun: guess riddles, play board games, etc. In general, with reasonable behavior of parents, the child will behave correctly.

It is important that the baby understands that the family must take into account the wishes of all its members, that if his interests are respected, then he must respect the interests of other family members. Then your child will grow up to be a person who is able to show attention and sympathy to those who will be with him. This, in turn, will help him find a common language with others, because attentive, sensitive people are always the soul of society.

To prevent the child from being closed, parents should adhere to the following simple rules:

From a very early age, try to create conditions for the baby to have a constant opportunity to communicate with peers, since the rarer such contacts, the less likely it is to find friends. Go to visit families with children, invite neighbor children to your home, arrange holidays, allowing the kids to show initiative, invention, abilities.
Do not patronize children excessively, do not suppress their will, more often provide the opportunity to act independently.
Help your child find a consistent fun partner from the neighborhood boys and girls. The sooner you do this, the better. Understand that even the warmest relationship with parents will not replace the baby's communication with other children.
Do not remain an outside observer when your son or daughter communicates with peers. Get involved in the game as a participant, helping to establish friendly contacts between children. If urgent intervention is required, for example, if the children have a fight, act as a peacemaker; if the game suddenly goes wrong, take the initiative into your own hands, try to interest the children in its continuation, offer something new, more interesting.
Do not overdo it when helping children in their fun. If every next act of a son or daughter is prompted by you, each toy is made by your hands with their passive participation, and the game is conceived not by them, but by you, these efforts will not benefit the baby, but harm. Instead of interest, hopeless boredom will arise, and as a result - lack of will, lack of independence, disbelief in one's own strengths, excessive susceptibility to outside influences, dependence on a stronger person, and therefore the impossibility of full communication.
Play, have fun, play pranks with the child on an equal footing.
Come up with various stories with him, the main characters of which will be him and his comrades. Let these stories be instructive.
Teach your baby not only to play the games you invented, but to create your own. Help him learn to sensibly explain the rules of the game he offers to play.
Teach him to openly and calmly express his own opinion, to prove it without raising his voice, without hysteria and resentment.
Try to change the circle of children's communication less often (for example, a group in a kindergarten), since a frequent change of the team negatively affects both a shy child and a child with the makings of a leader. If, for objective reasons, this still had to be done and your baby cannot get used to the new team for a long time, come up with something that will attract the attention of the children to it (for example, organize a tea party with games and contests).
Welcome and support the child's desire to communicate with peers, to create good relationships with them. The praise of parents is a wonderful stimulus for every child.
Be more with your child on the street, so that from a very early age he can get used to the fact that he lives among people and that communication with them is not a necessity, but a pleasant pastime. It is in relationships with friends that the best human qualities are revealed. Since childhood, being surrounded by different people, the child more easily converges with people, gets used to the fact that a wide range of communication is natural for a normal person.
Do not scold him for avoiding the company of children, preferring to be with his mother, grandmother or other loved ones. Don't pressure him. This will only cause the opposite effect: the child will close in on himself. Go the other way - help him join the game by taking part in it with the child, and when he gets carried away, try to quietly disappear from his field of vision.
Tell your child fairy tales, stories - fictional or real - about strong friendships, about how people help each other in trouble. It is necessary that these stories be simple and understandable for the baby, so that they make him think that every person should have at least one real friend with whom it is interesting to play, share secrets, help him: “Such a friend will not let you be offended , but you must also protect him if need be.”

Stories will help the child figure out, for example, who can be considered a true friend and who is not, how to choose a good friend.
Here are some examples of stories that you can use to create stories for your child.

“A long time ago there lived a woman and she had three sons. When the children grew up, she sent them on a long journey - to see the world, to learn the business. Each son was given advice by his mother on how to choose the right friend. She said to the first: “Purposely leave behind on the way, and shout to your companion:“ The saddle has moved to one side, it is necessary to correct it, and you go, I will catch up with you. If a fellow traveler leaves, does not offer help, he is not your comrade. She said to the second: “When you get hungry, you get a loaf of bread from a travel bag, hand it to your companion to share it. If he takes the greater part of the bread for himself, and gives the lesser part to you, he is greedy, do not go further with him*. To the third she said: “If it is difficult on the way, the robbers will attack you, invite your fellow traveler to gallop ahead, save your life. If he leaves you, rushes away - he is a coward, not suitable for true friendship.

Or here is another story that will teach you to appreciate the feeling of camaraderie, to help a friend in a difficult situation:

“Once upon a time there were two friends in the forest - a deer and a squirrel. They played together all summer.
But now winter has come. Snow fell, which one day after a thaw was covered with a thick crust of ice. The Fawn cried, he cannot break the ice crust. Squirrel saw that his friend was crying, and asked:
- What happened, buddy?
The deer answers:
- I have nothing to eat, Belchonok. I can't get grass out from under the ice.
- Do not be sad, Deer, I will help you.
He took dried mushrooms out of his hollow and gave them to the little deer. It became fun for everyone: both the Deer, and the Belchonka, and everyone around.

To overcome the shyness of the child, it is useful to arrange children's holidays. Let it be a real celebration with treats - sweets, drinks and ice cream - with children's games, contests, riddles. Parents, having taken upon themselves the preparation of the evening, should become good wizards on it and do everything so that the children do not feel constrained, so that everyone gets at least a drop of attention. It is desirable that each of the invitees be in the role of the host of one of the games, take part in the competition, having received some kind of prize.

An important stage of the holiday is preparation for it. Think over the program, involve children in the organization of the plan. Let everyone (taking into account age, of course) get some simple business. At the same time, bring the kids to the idea that they came up with all this themselves, praise them for the fact that they are doing great.

Public reading of poems, solo singing, storytelling, participation in dramatizations and puppet shows play an important role in the development of children's communicative abilities. If you have the opportunity, enroll your child in some studio, if not, develop his stage skills at home. If your friends have children the same age as your child, arrange walks, evenings of relaxation and entertainment, performances and performances with them. For staging, use the simplest fairy tales - "Turnip", "Kolobok", "Teremok", but try to ensure that each actor has a costume or at least the attributes of the character he portrays.
Play more with kids! During the game, their independence and independence are manifested, their advantages and disadvantages are revealed. It is in the game that it is easiest to correct their behavior, correct what prevents them from freely communicating with adults and peers: excessive selfishness or excessive shyness.
It is advisable to create traditions of gaming communication in the family, using for this such holidays as New Year, March 8, Defender of the Fatherland Day ... You just need to show a little ingenuity.
For example, on New Year's Eve, you can arrange a masquerade at home: let adults become "children" and children become "adults."
This will help the child to be liberated, to remove the accumulated resentment and irritation. For example, one boy in the role of dad gave commands to his parents-“children” in an authoritative voice:
“Now sit down at the table! Now, wash your dirty hands! So that in ten minutes your room will be in perfect order!” Parents, in turn, can pose as naughty, slow, sloppy children. All this causes a cheerful and harmless laughter of the players and helps both children and parents to see their shortcomings from the outside and correct their own behavior.
On the holiday of the Eighth of March, the male part of the family can not only cook a festive dinner, but also play in a fairy-tale land, treating female representatives like queens and princesses. Imagine how much fun the constant appeals to them “Your Majesty”, “Your Highness”, ceremonial bows and curtsies, a categorical ban on sitting in the presence of “crowned persons” will cause.
On Defender of the Fatherland Day, you can organize a "Knight's Tournament", and let the sons, together with their father, take part in various funny competitions.
Collective games unite children very much, especially popular in the warm season: "Blind Man's Bluff", "Cats and Mice", "Burn, burn brightly!". But even in winter, you can arrange all kinds of sports competitions on the street: "Dead eye", "Snow basketball", "Don't miss!".
Everyone knows the rules of such games as "Blind Man's Bluff" and "Cat and Mouse". Let's get acquainted with the content of other games.

"Burn, burn bright!"

Participants line up in two lines at the back of the head to each other. The following words are pronounced in chorus:

Burn, burn bright
To not go out.
Look at the sky, the birds are flying
The bells are ringing!

At the words “Look at the sky ...”, the children standing first raise their heads up, and at the final words they run a race to the finish line. Whoever comes running first wins.

"Deep eye"

Draw a large target on the wall of a house where there are no windows, or on a wooden shield. Make snowballs and throw them at the target. Who has more hits in the center of the target, he won.

"Snow Basketball"

Throw snowballs at a basketball hoop or, if there is none, at an ordinary bucket. The one who hits the most wins.

"Don't miss!"

Draw a large circle (5-6 m in diameter) on the snow, move a few steps away from it and throw snowballs at it. Whoever hit, moves back two more steps, then another. Continue until there is only one winner left.
Fantasize more, invent new games and encourage children to do this, encourage the work of their imagination.
The so-called contact games are very effective for overcoming shyness, when children touch each other, naturally, within reasonable ethical and aesthetic limits.

"Lavata"

The children stand in a circle, hold hands and, moving in a circle, sing:

We dance together, ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta,
Our cheerful dance "Lavata".
My legs are good
And the neighbor's is better!

With these words, they touch the legs of their neighbors in a circle and continue to move with the song, changing the word “legs” to “hair”, “ears”, “elbows”, “fingers”, etc.

"Confusion"

To the cheerful music, the kids stand in a circle, close their eyes and, stretching their arms forward, converge in the center. With the right hand, each of the participants in the game takes someone by the hand, the left remains free for someone to take it. When everyone holds hands, they open their eyes and try to unravel without separating their hands.

"Zhmurki"

The leader, blindfolded, catches other participants in the game who are trying not to get caught by him. Catching someone, he tries to guess by touch who it is.
Offer the kids role-playing games in which various situations are played out: “In the store”, “At the hairdresser”, “At the doctor's appointment”, etc. Prepare for this simple attributes of a particular profession (they can be made of cardboard). You will see that through the game your shy toddler will gradually learn to communicate freely.
Children are very fond of collective speech games that can be played both in winter and summer, both indoors and outdoors.

HOW TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE

In order for a child to feel confident while communicating with other children, to behave calmly and with dignity, one should tirelessly instill in him the well-known principle of behavior: “Do with others the way you want to be treated with you.” Explain to him that communication should be reduced to dialogue. How often do we adults replace it with a monologue. While talking, we seem to be listening to each other, but do we hear? So, let's first of all teach our child to hear the other, to be attentive to the mood, desires, feelings of the interlocutor.
Help your child learn the following rules that he needs to communicate with peers:

Play fair.
Do not tease others, do not pester with your requests, do not beg for anything.
Do not take away someone else's, but do not give your own without a polite request.
If they ask you for something - give it, if they try to take it away - defend yourself.
Don't fight if it's not necessary. You can only hit for self-defense when they hit you.
Do not raise your hand against someone who is obviously weaker than you.
If you are called to play - go, if you are not called - ask, there is nothing shameful in this.
Don't snitch, know how to keep the secrets entrusted to you.
Say more often: let's play together, let's be friends.
Respect the wishes and feelings of those with whom you play or communicate. You are the best, but no worse.

A child can learn to communicate not only in a circle of peers, but also at home, playing with one of the adults who will help to understand a difficult situation. I propose to play with your baby in the game "What will happen if ...".
Give the child the following situations and discuss with him each of his answers:

Your friend, running past, deliberately pushed you, but he stumbled and fell. He is in a lot of pain, he is crying. What will you do?
A friend took your toy without permission. What will you do?
One boy (girl) constantly teases you and laughs at you. How will you do it?
A friend deliberately pushed you, causing pain. What will you do?
A friend or girlfriend entrusted you with a secret, and you really want to tell your mom, dad or someone else about it. How will you do it?
A friend came to visit you. You play quietly with him in your room, then dad comes and brings your favorite ice cream. How will you do it?

Situations for discussion can be very different. It is not necessary to invent them, often life itself prompts them. Analyze the cases that happened to your child or to one of his friends. Ask him how he behaved at the same time and how other children behaved; Discuss who did the right thing and who did not, and what else could have been done to make everything fair...
When asking your child questions, try to quietly lead him to the correct solution of the problem, so that at the same time he believes that he made this decision on his own, because this is so important for the formation of a self-confident person. This will help him gain self-confidence, and over time he will be able to independently and adequately cope with difficult situations that arise in life.

Independence in judgments, the ability to make responsible decisions comes with age, but these qualities can be formed in a child earlier. First of all, teach him to critically evaluate his own actions.

This can help you "Magic Box". Make it from some box or any unnecessary case, and also prepare tokens in two colors, such as red and green. Let your baby put tokens in the box every evening, taking into account what act he did: a good one lowers a red token, a bad one a green one. At the end of the week, open the box and see which tokens are more, ask him to tell you when he did well, and when he did badly and why.
Conduct such conversations calmly, without raising your voice, even if what you hear is unpleasant. Be sure to find out what made him do it this way and not otherwise, and explain how it was necessary to behave in this situation.
Don't force your opinion on your child. If suddenly a controversial issue arose between you, it is not necessary that your word should be the last one when resolving it. Keep the interests of the child in mind. What, in your opinion, is right, is not always right from his point of view. Know how to listen to him, no matter how controversial, in your opinion, may be what he says. Misunderstanding on the part of parents can negatively affect communication with other people.
If the kid does not want to talk about bad deeds, do not insist on it. The fact that he refuses to talk about it already indicates that he is aware of the wrongness of his behavior and will not repeat this next time.

Be sure to praise the baby for a good deed, for the right decision.

Give him the right to solve some problems himself. He still has his own life. Agree that the boy would rather get a slap in the face from his stronger friend and then play a game with him than hide behind his mother's skirt. And the girl, having quarreled with her girlfriend because of a beautiful doll, will soon forget her offense and continue the game, and not run to complain to her mother or grandmother.
For full-fledged communication, it is necessary from early childhood to develop a sense of humor in the baby. People who know how to get out of a difficult situation with a laugh, a smile, a joke, are always in the spotlight. They, as a rule, live in harmony with others in any team - children's, adults or different ages.
Start by instilling in your child a sense of self-irony. In no case do not confuse it with self-abasement, low self-esteem. Self-irony will make it easier for him to look at his own shortcomings (remember the case with triplets), easily get out of difficult situations or help his comrades in such cases. Having acquired this wonderful quality with your help, instead of crying at an offensive teaser or nickname, he will answer with a smile or say something funny, but harmless, thereby shaming the offender.
Start developing your child as early as possible, and then he will be ready to overcome the difficulties of life, its thorny paths and bumps.

Many letters from parents come with the following content: the child does not play with peers, does not want to go to the children. This applies to children of two or three years old, although some parents begin to worry from the age of one. Parents explain, push, lead by example (some even play in the sandbox to show how great it is). And nothing helps, the child cries, does not want to go to the children. Parents are in despair, it seems to them that the child is threatened with loneliness in the children's team, and then in life. Is it so?

special age

Children up to about three years of age do not play with other children, but rather NEXT to them. They have very little interest in interacting with other toddlers. Usually their interest in them comes down to the idea: “He has something interesting in his hands, you have to go and pick it up”. Kids cannot organize a joint game, since there are not enough social skills for such a game. With older children or adults, they play willingly, but not with peers. The elder takes charge of the game, organizes it, directs it. And the kids are still too small for organized play.

Most children under the age of three are not interested in other children of the same age. There is no interest in the other child as a play partner.

There are, however, children who are drawn to communication from a very young age. But they are the exception to the rule. However, it seems to the parents of "non-communicative" children that everyone around is playing together, only one of their children is aside. Usually this is not the case, children do not play together, but NEAR each other.

Adult pressure

The more parents worry that their child is not making friends in the sandbox, the more active they are in this regard. They literally push the child into contact for which he is completely unprepared. They forcibly bring him to the children, try to introduce him to someone, exaggeratedly emotionally admire: “Oh, how the kids play merrily, go to them!” (the child, by the way, at the same time feels the falsity and excitement of his parents perfectly, he cannot be deceived in regard to your real feelings). The effect is always the opposite: the more you insist, the less the child wants to communicate with other children on the playground. He did not ask for this communication, he does not need it yet, his mother needs it!

Put on a blouse, mom is cold! Joke

And the child is not busy with the natural development of the world of people, but with resistance to the parent, who for some reason is trying to make him happy by playing with other kids. And he is afraid, does not want and does not understand why he is forced to be where it is not comfortable!

Judge for yourself: the child has not yet formed a need for these alien and incomprehensible creatures for him - other children. They are unpredictable (unlike close adults), they are not busy with them but with themselves, and it is not clear to the child at all whether there is any benefit from them.

Imagine yourself in such a situation. You find yourself in a strange society, where people communicate according to rules that are completely unclear to you. It is not known whether they are aggressive, what to expect from them, whether they want to communicate with you ... What will you do? Do you want to chat right away? For some people, this is so, they immediately make contact. But for the vast majority, it is more comfortable to look around, observe, get comfortable in the shade, without attracting too much attention to yourself.

The same applies to the child. While you are pushing him hard to communicate, his natural need is to observe (preferably from a distance). And do what is currently interesting to him, and not what is interesting to you. He still does not really know who he himself is, what the world around him is, what other people are. And he will know all this, and this knowledge needs time.

Origins of the problem

As a rule, at the age of up to three years, there are no special violations in communication in children (if there are no congenital pathologies of character). There are more or less sociable children, someone matures for communication earlier, someone a little later. If the child is not interfered with, he will naturally come to the need to communicate with peers.

The problem usually lies with the parents, most of those who are heightened anxiety about children's sociability have or have had communication problems themselves. As a rule, they have a hard time with people, often they are shy. And for them to see how their child does not communicate is very difficult. It's like the embodiment of their own awkwardness in contacts. And they seek to "save" the child from what hurts them personally.

If you're worried about your child's sociability, consider whether you're projecting your own difficulties onto him. You are literally worried FOR HIM (that is, INSTEAD OF him: he is fine, but you are lonely for him).

How to be

The best thing to do in a situation where a child does not want to communicate is to leave him alone and allow him to observe other children from a comfortable distance for him. Do not take him to the children, if he does not want to, stay at that distance from the playground where the child can play quietly. This applies only to children under 3 years old, at a different age the tactics should be different!

You must provide the child with easy access to other children, but do not force him into contact with them. You should not walk with him in the remote corners of the park, the best solution would be a walk near the playground. Even if the child is busy with his own business, he still sees other children, forms his own idea of who they are. Today he is watching, tomorrow he will want to join the children.

Try not to put pressure on the child, even "imperceptibly". The child will respond to pressure with resistance.

It would also be a useful tactic to go to visit and other interesting places with the child, without limiting his experience to familiar surroundings.

A child who does not play with others can also be safely introduced into the children's team (after three years). It is there (and not at home with his mother) that he forms the concept that it is fun to be friends and communicate. It is impossible to explain on the fingers that it is good to be with other children, the child himself should be drawn to this communication. And this will definitely happen if you do not interfere with the natural course of things!

Hello dear experts!
My daughter is 3.8 years old, and we have problems with adaptation and socialization in kindergarten. My daughter started kindergarten 2 months ago. In fact, it only goes for 1 month - there were illnesses, the garden was closed for repairs. I went to the garden with great reluctance at first. All the time before kindergarten, I sat with her, combining the upbringing of my daughter and freelancing. I deliberately did not give her to the garden until she was three years old - she wanted to grow up. Of course, I did not expect that she would run with great pleasure from under her mother's wing into the company of people she did not know. But what we have now, I also did not expect. In general, my main concerns are:
1. The child does not tell anything about the garden. to any questions, even the simplest ones, he answers with the phrase: “Let’s not talk about the garden!”, “I don’t want to talk about the garden.” From conversations with other mothers, I know that the children are happy, that they are not offended, that the teachers are adequate (they do not yell, do not beat, do not punish). The daughter herself does not want to mention kindergarten at all in the conversation. I write it off for adaptation, but I really want to help. do not know how. I can't quite figure out how to approach it.
2. The child does not communicate with anyone in the garden. I talk with the teacher, I ask how and what is there. She says that her daughter either sits alone and draws, or takes toys and works with them herself. She began to avoid children in general. I can't say that she was hyper-communicative before. She is rather shy, modest, always holding on to my skirt. But older children were always more interesting to her than peers and younger children. Now she is trying to go to a place where there are no children at all. It scares me. It's just scary.
3. The child has recently become constantly eating. She has a completely standard build - height 105, weight 16.5. and she hadn't noticed that before. Now she runs to the kitchen at least every 10 minutes or says she wants to eat. At the same time, we have 3 main meals and 2-3 intermediate ones. What is it? Is stress eating?
Dear experts, I am completely confused. Her condition scares me. Do you have any good advice for our family? How to help her?
Sincerely,
Natalia

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

Your daughter is experiencing a strong sense of fear.

This feeling of fear leads to the fact that her cognitive activity is paralyzed - that is why she retires, does not communicate with other children, prefers to play alone. The tendency to be shy and the habit of "holding on to your skirt forever" suggests that she doesn't feel safe. This is very typical for neurotic reactions.

The most important thing you need to understand about neurotic reactions is that a person (whether a child or an adult) blocks his cognitive activity at the slightest, even imaginary threat to his safety. Simply put, such a person will sit quietly and alone more likely than take the risk of learning something new. And this must be taken into account: an increased need for security, fear of activity, fear of novelty - this is a reality. This problem is psychological in nature, that is, it has a conditioned reflex nature.

Sources of neurotic reactions

This is possible if the girl sees an example of similar behavior in her own family.
Please analyze the behavior of all family members involved in the upbringing of the girl. Who is accustomed to scolding themselves for mistakes and failures? Who tends to react with fear to everything new, tends to worry too much about their safety and block cognitive activity in a stressful situation? Who is overly touchy and overreacts to criticism, is prone to increased feelings of guilt and shame, does he strive to become “correct, good and ideal”? Who compares aloud or mentally himself with other people? Whose actions are aimed at earning “approval by uncompromisingly good behavior”? Who scolds himself for mistakes and has too many "correct" installations "how to live ideally"?

If you recognize your own behavior in this, then it may be that the girl is simply copying you. The most optimal way out is, of course, to remove neurotic reactions in oneself with the help of psychotherapy. Then the girl will copy more mature behaviors. Thus, it would be desirable for you to engage in the development of your own personality in order to remove the habit of fearfulness in yourself.

There are children who are open, sociable, talkative, and there are those who shun, avoid contact with other children. If your baby belongs to the second category and, having come to the playground, stands aside, or hides at all and does not want to participate in common fun, then it is worth understanding this issue and helping the child to socialize.

The child's desire for loneliness often causes disturbing thoughts in parents, they begin to suffer from questions: “What are we doing wrong?”, “What is the psychological problem?”.

Psychologists unanimously argue that for the age category of 2-3 years, the state of alienation from peers can be commonplace. During this period, the closest friends of the baby are the parents and next of kin. At home, he has everything necessary for the development of his personality and his needs for communication and games are satisfied. Therefore, not communicating with peers is quite justified.

The very first experience of communicating with people provides the basis for further relationships in society. It is important for a child not only to be able to speak, but also to express their emotions: scream, laugh, get angry, see the reaction of others. The behavior of children is difficult to predict, and this enables the child to look for solutions, approaches in communication. It is in relationships with peers that the baby learns to look for a way out of conflicts, to defend himself, to reconcile.

By the age of 4-5 years, children begin to be actively interested in others, get involved in common games, communicate and get to know each other. If by this age your child remains a loner, it is worth identifying the reasons for this behavior.

Character.

The child may be reserved and shy by nature. Such kids hide behind their mother, shyly greet, do not even like to talk in public. It is difficult to deceive nature, but openness and courage can be instilled gradually.

Inability to communicate and express emotions.

The child could simply not be taught to communicate. If it is not customary in the family to share opinions and experiences, and the parents themselves are introverts, then it is difficult to expect a different behavior from the child. Therefore, it is so important to find time for conversations and active games with the baby.

The manifestation of leadership.

The kid may simply not want to obey the general rules of the game, be on the sidelines among peers, adapt to the majority. Nevertheless, even in the younger groups of the kindergarten, there are already several leaders who set the rules for behavior and games.

Experience.

The baby may accumulate negative experiences with peers. He could be hurt, hit. Perhaps he was in the company of children of very different ages, so he either did not understand their games and conversations, or he was bored in communicating with younger children.

Restrictions.

The child could be deliberately limited in communicating with children. “It will only bring illness from the kindergarten, let him sit at home”, “What children are in the house, and so the head is splitting”, “After the children there is so much cleaning” - such arguments are found by parents and, without suspecting it, they raise a savage. The kid, meanwhile, goes deep into himself or spends time watching TV and other gadgets, and this does not contribute to socialization at all.

Once you've identified the cause of your child's alienation, take action.

Your child is shy - correct this character trait: praise more often for results and help, encourage manifestations of individuality. Do not get tired of repeating how wonderful, smart, capable and beloved he is. Support works wonders.

Let your house be open for guests, invite your child's friends, organize celebrations, holidays and theme parties yourself. Talk more and be interested in the affairs of the baby, because even minor little things can be very important for him. Not a single problem of a child can become nonsense for you, what is important to him should be important to you.

Try to enroll your child in a circle, section, group classes. Teach your baby to communicate, play out the rules of acquaintance, politeness. Participate in collective games yourself, be their organizer.

If the child does not go to the garden yet, go to places where children walk and play more often, go to entertainment centers in the cold season. Pay attention to the development of your child, whether the children's company is suitable for him, because even among peers, children who are more developed than the rest can stand out. Such kids are simply not interested in others.

It is important for parents to learn that communication only with them is not enough for a small person. To ensure the child's normal psychological development, it is important to help him build relationships with peers. While the child is still small, this is much easier to do, because he has not yet fully formed ideas about proper communication.

If a child is alienated from others from childhood, then, as an adult, he may experience problems in the family, at work, fall into depressive states, and earn himself psychological complexes.

Toddlers are especially sensitive to everything new, they are clean and open, they are able to absorb information very actively, so it is not difficult to influence a young child.

Help your children, solve problems together, because you are the closest people!

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