How to deal with the jealousy of a baby and a young dad for mom and wife, how not to deprive anyone of attention, how to behave like a mom and like a dad?

Psychologists consider the birth of a child a crisis period in the life of a family. With the advent of the first-born, the spouses try on the role of parents for the first time, the established way of life changes. Men and women experience the crisis of having a baby differently. When and how the crisis will pass depends on the internal readiness for changes of each of the spouses. The ability to adequately experience such processes characterizes a person as a mature person. You can't run away from the crisis, you can't get rid of it, you need to recognize it and just live it. Crisis is a natural process. If someone has difficulties, strong feelings, conflicts, then it is necessary to turn to psychologists.

Most often, the experience of the crisis of the birth of a child passes through a feeling of jealousy. Feelings of jealousy can arise in each family member: a father for a child or a mother, a child for a father and/or mother, a mother for a father or a child.

Dad is jealous of mom for a child
What happens to a man when he has a child? He becomes a father. Fatherhood is not only a biological status, it is a complex internal mental process. This process includes: awareness of one's kinship with the child, feelings for him, acceptance and fulfillment of the parental role; own assessment of readiness to be a father.
Readiness for fatherhood depends on many factors: relationships with one's own mother and father, personality, maturity of attitude towards the family, degree of awareness of possible difficulties, ability to cope with them (!).
At first, the experience of fatherhood is formed without a real physical connection with the child, and this also requires a certain personal development and maturity from a man.

A hindrance to fully accepting fatherhood can also be a traumatic childhood experience that a man could not survive. Experiences of the past will “emerge” in a man in sensations, thoughts or feelings. Men do not understand what is happening to them. Explain their condition based on what is happening now, and do not take into account the past, which affects it at the moment. Most often, men do not understand this and commit inappropriate actions, complicating the crisis and causing conflict in the family.

In addition to the formation of a paternal position, a man undergoes changes in his married life. Before the birth of a child, a woman gave all her love, tenderness and care only to him. And after the appearance of the child, he is no longer the head of the family. Everything and everyone revolves around the child. The man feels left out. In a situation where a woman in a family plays only the role of a mother, and the role of a wife is postponed or forgotten, the husband experiences strong feelings: the fear of being abandoned, rejected and forgotten. Jealousy appears. And if the husband gives vent to his jealousy, then he moves away from his wife, goes to work, to communicate with friends or to the parental family, or looks for another woman, or will be offended by his wife, break down on the child.

What to do? Not all men quickly acquire the ability to be fathers. Such situations can be corrected. It is better to awaken paternal feelings in a husband long before the baby arrives, introducing literature on birth and care, discussing plans for upbringing and development. If the husband's wife's jealousy for the child has already begun to manifest itself, the wife must prove that she loves him. Then the main task of a woman in the first year of a baby's life is to gradually interest the father in caring for the child. It is important not to demand, and even more so not to swear, but to captivate. You should not put pressure on the young dad with requests for help, it is better to provide such an opportunity, but not insist on it. Coercion causes more negative emotions. A woman needs to be able to ask for help when she is needed, and not to demand, not to threaten, not to blackmail. Show attention to a confused husband, help him understand what he is capable of and become confident. By engaging in an active position in caring for a child, a man will feel his ability, need, importance, usefulness, value, love and attention to himself. When father's duties bring more positive emotions, jealousy will start to go away!

If a man has not formed as a father before the birth of a child, then a woman will need to be more tolerant and help him in this. Demanding from a person what he cannot give at the moment is the path to distance from each other. If spouses are able to speak frankly with each other, accept and correct mistakes, then they can resolve the conflict themselves. If they do not possess such qualities, then it is necessary to contact a psychologist so that the conflict does not cause serious injury to any of the family members.

If a man is personally mature, ready for fatherhood, loves his wife, then he will easily join in caring for a child. A woman will allow herself to rest more, which means to be calmer and more tender with her husband (the father of the child). And a man will allow himself to feel the head of the situation, and not the third wheel.

But, there are situations when a man is ready, and a woman is not ready to let another person into a relationship with her child. A woman does not allow herself to rest, she is only focused on the child. Then the father / husband cannot realize his desires in caring for the child and wife. The wife herself digs a ditch in the relationship between herself and her husband, between the child and the father. In this case, the husband needs to be patient with his wife, at first pay more attention to his wife as a woman, mark her as a caring mother, and gradually offer his help. Be unobtrusive, not demanding, but at the same time, share your willingness to help when she needs it. If this situation persists, you should contact a specialist.

So, the husband began to be jealous of the child for his wife, which means that the spouse feels unnecessary, rejected. He is looking for support, comfort, support. The wife must admit that her husband is missing something or fears interfere with him, and he, jealous, gives a signal about this. A woman needs to analyze and redistribute attention between her child, her husband and herself! Mom should know that the baby needs a certain amount of love, and he may not "digest" her overabundance. Emotional overeating is just as bad as emotional hunger. When a mother gives a lot to a child, at that moment she deprives herself of attention as a “woman” and husband!!! A woman finds herself in a very difficult situation - she needs to help someone from whom she herself expects to receive it. I repeat: it is useless and harmful to demand and reproach a person for what he cannot do. Turn to his financial support or the help of relatives to create an opportunity to take time for yourself: to become calmer, more gentle, more attractive (rest, relax: meet friends, go to a salon, get a massage, etc.). A couple should know that in order to keep relations with each other in good shape, when there is a small child in the family, it is imperative that spouses spend time together, alone with each other, experience the roles of wife and husband without parental responsibility. If psychologists wrote out prescriptions for spouses, young parents, then it would look like this: at least once a week, relax together, leave the child for assistants. And for a young mother - at least 1 hour a day to do only herself and leave the child to her father or assistants! Such an appointment can be attributed to preventive measures to maintain relationships.

Mom is jealous of the child to dad
Jealousy It is less common for a woman to be jealous of her own child's father. Female jealousy is formed on dissatisfaction: accumulated fatigue, anger, irritation, self-doubt. A feeling of jealousy may arise in a mother if she herself is dissatisfied with the relationship with her child and envies the easy, warm relationship of the child with the father. A mother may be tormented by feelings of guilt: she demands more, buys less gifts, etc. Another reason for jealousy of her husband may be a traumatic childhood experience.

To solve the problems associated with the mother's guilt in front of the child, during conversations, parents should work out the same requirements for the child (prohibitions, rules). It will be easier for mom to show them to the child, saying “Dad and I decided that ...”, “Dad asked me ... if you ...”. And dad, having come home, openly supports mom. Thus, mom shares responsibility for upbringing with dad, i.e. dad and mom raise the child together. So, with the support of the father, it is easier for the mother to communicate with the child in difficult moments. In addition, the same requirements for the child from mom and dad in the process of education have a positive effect on the formation of the child's psyche.

Jealousy of the child to the parent
In the process of mental development, the child feels a strong attachment to the mother. Mom is the person who gives care, love, safety. Gradually, a readiness is developed to move away from it, to share with someone.
When the need to “share the mother” arises before the child is ready, then he has a feeling of anxiety and fear. Everyone has met with a situation when someone starts talking to mom, mom gets carried away talking, and the child starts asking her for something, attracts attention, cries, pulls mom somewhere. Or a kid up to the age of three beats his dad and does not let him get closer to his mother. This is a manifestation of jealousy: the fear that his mother no longer needs him. Such moments signal that the child, for some reason, is not yet ready to let go of his mother (he has not been fed enough affection; he has experienced the trauma of loss). Another reason may be when a child intuitively catches the hidden relationships of parents to each other (wife's distrust of her husband or men in general, anger, resentment towards a partner, etc.).

What to do? If both parents are anxious about the behavior of the child and both want to help their child, then the first thing they should do is talk to the child about his feelings at the moment when he behaves jealously. Mom can say (if she feels it) that she loves dad and it is unpleasant for her to see how her son / daughter beats him. Dad can say (if he feels it) that he loves the baby and loves mom and he feels bad when the child behaves like this. Then talk to each other to rule out problems in their relationship. Each parent should analyze the relationship with their parents - perhaps the problem is at this level.

When a child shows jealousy, it is important that both parents are in agreement with each other and react consciously. It is useful for a child to receive the following messages from parents: mom has enough love for dad and for him / her, and dad has enough love for mom and for him / her: i.e. parents love each other and him / her!
Some jealousy of a child of 3-5 years old for a parent of the opposite sex is, one might say, the norm. The boy experiences the Oedipus complex, and the girl the Electra complex. Parents should note this for themselves, perceive it as a natural living by the child of the next stage of psycho-sexual development. To teach a child to share relationships (to understand the different roles of a person in a family). Dad can say: “You are any daughter / favorite son, and your mom is my favorite wife,” and mom says “You are my favorite daughter / son, and your dad is my favorite husband.” As the saying goes: to each his own love, in accordance with the role in the family.

First of all…
Recall that in resolving any conflicts, the first step is the realization of reality: what is happening. The second step is to talk to each other: express your feelings, expectations, without insults, reproaches, demands. The third step - if you can’t resolve the conflict yourself, contact a specialist!

Don't delay! By postponing the solution of the problem on the back burner, you only complicate the conflict and provoke new ones. Feelings cannot be postponed or forgotten, a person lives every second with all his feelings. Problematic feelings are often hidden from oneself. Perhaps this happened to you when you wanted to say and do one thing, but it turned out not at all what you planned. These are the actions of suppressed, hidden feelings, which are more visible to a specialist from the outside.

Many psychologists believe that in the family, the relationship between husband and wife is primary. Attitude towards the child should be in second place among the spouses. The family begins with a couple, and the relationship of the spouses remains the main link in the family. Judge for yourself: when there is love, respect, understanding, acceptance in the relationship between husband and wife, then there are much fewer problems with children or with children.

Women and men who create a family and build their relationships before and after the birth of a child should remember: an important element in a relationship is the balance between “take” and “give”. When it is broken, the relationship is broken. The appearance of a child should not deprive the husband and wife of caresses and attention to each other. When a child appears, not only the mother's way of life changes, but also in some aspects the father's. When a balance is maintained in a relationship, it is easier to maintain them.

The whole family benefits from a full-fledged relationship (emotional, sexual) between a wife and her husband, because the more parents are satisfied with each other (including physically), the more prosperous is the emotional life of the baby.

Remember that the entry of a small person into the world of the family fills this world with new - bright and joyful feelings. And the more space and attention it will provide for everyone - both mom and dad, and children, and other relatives and relatives, the happier he will become.

A real family is where you want to return and where you are always welcome. A caring husband, a smiling wife and a happy baby!

The appearance of a younger child in the family always causes jealousy of the older one. How to cope with this feeling and help the first-born to overcome a difficult period in his life?

The older baby begins to feel jealous of the younger child almost from the first day of his appearance after being discharged from the hospital. And this despite the fact that during pregnancy, children most often look forward to the appearance of a brother or sister.

Children's jealousy is not unnatural, it is caused by the fear of losing the love of mom and dad. Therefore, an older child can openly demonstrate a negative attitude towards the baby.

It is important for parents to choose the right behavior strategy so that the first-born does not feel lonely. We offer you to use the recommendations that will help in a particular problem situation.

Children's jealousy depends on the gender of the child. Girls have a subconscious need to take care of the younger ones. Therefore, it is easier to captivate them with requests for baby care and smooth out jealous feelings. In boys, jealousy is expressed more strongly, and they are not always ready to help in caring for a child.

Situation #1: The older child refuses to give up his crib to the newborn

It is best to transfer the baby to another bed a couple of months before the baby is born. If time is lost and the migration of the firstborn coincides with the discharge of the newborn from the hospital, explain to the older child that he is already an adult and can now sleep in a bed not for babies. The comparison “you will sleep in an “adult” bed, like dad and mom” will help motivate the young “owner” to do the right thing.

Situation #2: The older child asks to be breastfed too

If the firstborn has already left the age of breastfeeding, you should not categorically refuse him. This will provoke a child's tantrum. It would be more correct to say that if the mother feeds the elder, the younger will not have enough milk and he will remain hungry. As compensation, offer something tasty to divert children's thoughts in another direction.

Situation #3: An older child asks to return a newborn to the maternity hospital

In this situation, parents should not scold the firstborn. Try to explain that a brother or sister is good, because when the youngest gets older, the children will be able to play together. And if the elder during pregnancy was waiting with interest for the birth of a child, you can tell him that the baby knows about this and is glad to meet you.

Situation #4: The older child interferes with the sleep of the younger

In such a situation, parents cannot strictly insist on silence. It is more correct to invite the older child to speak in a whisper. The firstborn will join this game with pleasure. Memories on the topic “when you were little” will help. In this situation, the mother can tell the older child that during his sleep everyone also spoke in a whisper and did not make noise.

Situation #5: The older child feels neglected

By delegating some of the responsibilities of caring for the baby to family members, the young mother will be able to set aside time for games and communication with the older child. For example, dad or grandmother go for a walk with a child lying in a stroller. This time, approximately 1.5-2 hours, is enough for the eldest child to once again feel the fullness of mother's care and love.

Situation #6: The older child hurts the younger

In such situations, punishment can provoke a backlash. Therefore, if there is a risk of causing physical pain to a younger child, children should not be left alone without the presence of parents.

Situation #7: The older child robs the younger of toys

This is not done because the older child wants to play with them. Thus he expresses his negative attitude. You can correct the situation in the following ways:

• interested the first-born with new toys;
• explaining that he is too old to play with rattles;
• offering the older child to choose toys for the baby in the children's store, not forgetting to buy something interesting for him.

Situation #8: Older Child Tired of New Baby Care Responsibilities

The older child wants to play, and not, for example, roll a stroller for a walk. Walking in the air, leave the baby to sleep in the stroller and take time for the firstborn. Do not force him to play with the younger, otherwise it may cause aggression. Involve the older firstborn in a common game with the baby in a way that is interesting for him.

Situation #9: The older child shows sadness

Not having the attention of the mother to the extent as before, older children begin to experience depression. At the first sign of sadness, parents need to praise the older child more often, play with him when the baby is sleeping, hug, pick up and kiss him more often. Tactile sensations are very important. The older child should not feel the lack of parental affection and warmth of mother's hands.

Situation #10: The older child “falls into” childhood

First-borns often begin to openly demand the kind of attention that is given to the youngest child: they ask to be picked up, fed, dressed, carried. It is impossible to ignore these requests, but it is also wrong to fully satisfy them. Look for the “golden” mean: if possible, put the child on your lap, lift it up the stairs in your arms, lay it down, tell a story. After a while, the older child will understand that his mother loves him, as before.

If a woman cannot recover for a long time after childbirth, it will be more difficult for the first-born to cope with jealousy. He may feel negative towards the baby because the mother feels bad precisely because of the newborn.

Patience and affection - a "cure" for childhood jealousy

Parents need to be patient to wait out the first six months after the birth of their youngest child. During this period, the jealousy of older children is especially pronounced. And, of course, you can not deprive them of affection. The results of the diplomatic behavior of parents will appear later, when the children grow up and good and sincere relations are established between them. Therefore, do not scold the elders for being jealous of the younger ones, do not cause bitterness in them.

It is believed that those children, the difference between which is 3-5 years, are most jealous of the younger ones. This is especially true among same-sex children. Older children are easier to experience the appearance of a baby, because they may already have other interests, including those outside the family.

Tatyana Volkova, family psychologist:“The older child is most often jealous of the younger when he feels superfluous. To prevent this from happening, it is very important to constantly emphasize that the older child is very important, needed and loved.

It will be great if you can gently “include” the firstborn in the care of the newborn and constantly focus on the fact that he is already quite big and is doing very important and necessary work, helping mom and dad. A sense of self-worth will help the first-born to calmly experience the fact that the attention of mom and dad no longer belongs only to him, and to be more loyal to the baby.
At the same time, it is important that with the advent of a new family member, the first-born, as a “big”, has not only new duties, but also new rights. Think about what can be translated from “you can’t, you’re still small” into the category “you’re already big - so now you can” - this will affect the self-perception of the firstborn and will allow him not to regress into infancy, which often happens with older children after the birth to the light of the younger ones.

Expert: Galina Yaroshuk, Doctor of Biological Sciences, Clinical Psychologist
Elena Nersesyan-Brytkova

The material uses photographs owned by shutterstock.com

Experts unanimously argue that it is impossible to spank children, since assault is not the best method of influencing a child. And yet, many adults are sure that it is easier to slap the baby on the pope once than to repeat many times why something should not be done.

Today we will discuss the arguments of domestic and foreign psychologists who oppose physical punishment, and find out why you should not spank children.

The statistics are relentless - about 60% of Russian parents from time to time use physical force in relation to their children. Of course, in most cases, these are not severe beatings, but the notorious slaps and cuffs, which mothers and fathers generously “gift” naughty children.

Why do parents spank their naughty kids anyway? Because this is the easiest way out of the situation.

Judge for yourself, there is no need to look for the cause of a bad deed, no need to think about children's emotions, choose other ways of education. Spanked a couple of times - and it seems that the conflict has been settled.

Let's find out what can happen if you constantly use physical punishment in relation to the baby.

Why can't you spank a child?

You can disagree with psychologists and as long as you like assure yourself that light slaps and slaps are for the benefit of children, that in such a simple way they will quickly understand what can be done and what should be refrained from. However, this is just self-deception, and here's why.

1. Child learns through imitation

If you regularly spank your child, prepare for the fact that one day he will hit you, a sandbox buddy, or a pet.

In this case, your words that “You can’t fight” or “Don’t you dare beat your mother” will not have any effect on him. The kid will quickly learn that the big ones can offend the little ones, and the strong ones can offend the weak ones.

2. Decreased self-esteem

The self-awareness of children is created, first of all, by their parents.

A small child is not yet aware of the causal relationship between a spanking and his bad deed.

Slapping a two-year-old baby in the hearts because he broke a typewriter, you will not teach him to be careful when handling things.

“I was hit, I am bad and do not deserve love,” children think so. And with each blow, their self-esteem decreases more and more.

3. The child gets used to flip flops

Probably, after the first thrashing, the baby will obey you and stop being naughty. However, do not flatter yourself, this did not happen because he repented and realized that he had done wrong. Simply, the child was frightened and wants to return your good disposition and love.

If physical punishment has become commonplace, children begin to perceive it as inevitable and do not change their own behavior.

4. Whipping does not teach internal control.

Children who receive from their parents "on the first number" do not learn to control their actions.

They need approval, a person who would say what is right and what, accordingly, is not.

Such children live by the principle: “I won’t do it, otherwise I will be punished.” But ethical norms are much more important: “You can’t behave like that, because it’s bad.”

5. Hitting people is a crime

Physical impact is the use of force, that is, an action that is wrong and condemned by any society, and sometimes criminally punishable.

You will not beat your colleague who did something wrong in the workplace, will you? How is your child different from other people?

6. Schedule in your own impotence

The main argument of adults is that the child is simply uncontrollable and does not respond to other arguments. However, in this case, the problem is not in the child itself, but in your relationship and inability to cope with children.

Handing out cuffs, mom or dad signs for weakness and thereby drops his authority in the eyes of the child.

So, children's provocations will continue.

7. Distrust of parents

Corporal punishment destroys trusting relationships between family members, breaks affection and love.

Agree, it is difficult to love the person who spanks you.

This method of education is effective only because the children are still small and cannot oppose their own strength to their parents. Sometimes childhood grievances are transferred to adulthood, making it difficult for grown children and aged moms and dads to get along.

8. Decreased intelligence

Meanwhile, American psychologists conducted a study showing that the level of intelligence among children who are regularly spanked by their parents is significantly lower than that of their "unbeaten" peers.

Yes, and discipline and obedience are better in the group of schoolchildren to whom adults are more loyal.

How to keep from spanking?

Let's say you realized that you can't spank a child and decided to abandon this unpromising method. And what to take on arms? We offer some useful tips from experienced psychologists.

1. You need to learn to negotiate with the baby. Imagine your friend in his place. You won’t spank an adult with a belt because, for example, he interferes with your sleep? You will prefer to leave the room, ask him to leave, explain that you are tired, etc. Try to do the same with your child.
2. Do not accumulate negative emotions. Children often bring to a boil with their pranks. If you endure them, do not voice them and do not get angry, then in the end everything can end with a slap. Express your emotions: "Your behavior makes me terribly angry." Having stopped accumulating irritation in yourself, you will learn to talk and communicate with children, which means that the need for spanking will also disappear.
3. Look for the problem in yourself. We have already said that spanking is not a child's problem. This is a signal of the psychological distress of the parents. Perhaps you are in a state of stress, do not know how to cope with anger. If you find yourself grabbing the belt too often, the best course of action is to see a specialist.
4. Do not consider the baby an exact copy of you. Sometimes you can hear a parent complaining: “I couldn’t say a word across to my father before, but mine don’t obey me at all!” Mom grew up as an obedient and calm girl, and she gives birth to a child with a difficult character? Nothing terrible, consult a psychologist, read the literature on raising "difficult" children.
5. Apologize to your child. Each of us is a living person, not an ideal being. If you couldn’t contain your irritation, be sure to ask your child for forgiveness for a slap or a slap. Tell them that you were angry not at the baby himself, but at his misbehavior.

Of course, in one article it is impossible to tell how, if not by spanking, to raise a baby, instill in him norms of behavior, stop tantrums and whims.

So, to the question of whether it is possible to spank a child, most psychologists confidently answer: “No.” Physical punishment often does not bring a positive result, but, on the contrary, violates parent-child relationships.

Think for a minute before you spank the fidget again. Perhaps there are other parenting methods in your parenting arsenal that will be more effective?

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To spank kids, and even more so cuffs? Doesn't fit in the head. Well, except for a massage, of course (there somehow you need to lightly pat). My eldest did not receive slaps and cuffs from me and grew up to be a kind girl, but she gives back to boys at school. It was once, however, as the author writes "strength against strength." At the age of three, my daughter began to act up in the street in full: with wallowing in the mud and beating her legs. I dragged her to the house (the girl pulled out thoroughly, a couple of times she almost flew out of my hands, I got scared). And at home, no persuasion and stuff. Then I spanked her, but she was wearing a thick down jumpsuit. Then there was a conversation and an agreement. There were no more such tantrums. I don't plan on assault with my youngest either.

I really like the first method: to imagine in the place of the child your friend who commits the same offense. Indeed, you won’t spank a friend, even if he interferes with sleep or scatters his things around the house :-) This method works well for me, immediately the irritation on the baby decreases.

Assault has nothing to do with “spanking”, as you know, even royal and royal persons in childhood were spanked by their caregivers or parents. Even the Bible says that a loving parent flogs a naughty child, but flogs lovingly. As a "vaccination" against bad habits and inclinations, of course, if other methods do not help. It is natural and normal for a child to be spanked by his own father or mother! Adequate parents will not harm their child. You can punish with words much more painfully and hurt the inner little man with anything, even with explanations that may not always be clear to the child. The question of who spanked and for what spanked is more relevant than whether to use force or not. Psychologists learned a lot from the Bible, only they did not see that physical punishment is the norm for the educational process, extreme, but still the norm.

Excellent article. I also believe that children should not be spanked. If a parent spanks his child, this proves not the child's fault, but the parent's inability to explain to his child what he is wrong about.

It is hard not to agree with the opinion of the author, but in our time the younger generation is becoming more and more ill-mannered. I am also against violence, but I think that sometimes you can still “slap” a child. This is applicable in cases where other, humane methods of education have been tried in vain.

You can often see an outraged mother on the street spanking a roaring baby on the ass. This common method of education is firmly rooted in our society and is considered a necessary measure of influence on a naughty child. Is it possible to hit a child on the pope, and what do psychologists say about it?

As soon as the little one begins to move independently on legs, he is inevitably exposed to educational influence from adults. "Do not go there! Do not take any in your hands! Get away from the TV!" - the whole day the baby does something wrong. What are educational interventions?

Throughout its history of development, mankind has formed three educational methods:

1. authoritarian;
2. democratic;
3. mixed.

In the first case, the baby is subjected to training or drill: he must accurately follow all the orders of adults, otherwise he will be punished. The kid gets used to a similar educational style. Well, if it is not accompanied by physical suggestions.

The democratic method involves communication with the little one, gives him the right to express his opinion and defend his position. Parents are ready for this style of communication, who do not spare their efforts in the educational process and wish to form a complete personality with a sense of human dignity from the crumbs.

With a mixed style, there is a "carrot and stick" in accordance with the circumstances. Where it is necessary - they screwed the nuts, where it is necessary - they let go. Basically, "nuts are screwed" by mood: when mom / dad is too lazy to explain the truth.

Dangerous Methods

“I was beaten as a child, so what?” - this is how modern mothers argue, justifying their blossoming nerves. Everyone was taught at school that offending little ones is unworthy and cruel: they cannot respond to aggression. Everyone was taught that "they don't beat the lying down." So why don't these rules apply to your own children? Maybe because the baby is considered property?

First, it hurts. Second, it's embarrassing. Thirdly, it generates aggression in response. Then the parents wonder why their adult son is so cruel! Another extreme of this method can be the child's lack of confidence in his abilities and capabilities: the baby will be afraid to reveal his potential. So is it okay to beat a child? Categorically: it is impossible. This is violence.

Violence can result in:

• injury to the child's body;
• mental trauma;
• accumulation of aggression;
• desire to go against;
• desire for revenge.

This set of character traits is formed imperceptibly and is like a time bomb. Fear of punishment (especially when they hit the priest with a belt from “good intentions”) negatively affects not only the psyche, but also the metabolic processes of the body:

• with a feeling of resentment, the throat contracts;
• the excretory system suffers from fear.

Remember your feelings during nervous experiences: either uncontrollable hunger attacks, or you don’t feel like eating at all. The child feels the same! With a strong sense of fear, the baby can poop in panties or crap one's pants - this will further aggravate the unpleasant situation. Is it necessary to apply such educational measures?

Advice. If your hands open and you want to hit the baby on the ass, you need to put yourself in his place. Pleasant little.

But the most unpleasant thing is yet to come: some kids can suffer from enuresis from blows with a belt or a hand on the pope! Do you need a wet bed in the morning for educational purposes? A strong blow to the pope shakes the whole body of the baby and hits the kidneys. Here's an explanation for why you shouldn't beat children. But parents do not want to think about this in educational excitement.

Why is the baby not listening?

Psychologists have identified several reasons for children's disobedience. These include:

1. struggle for self-assertion;
2. way to get attention
3. desire to contradict;
4. feeling of insecurity;
5. inconsistency in education;
6. excessive demands on the baby.

The feeling of uniqueness is inherent in all people, however, over time it can disappear. By the year, the baby is aware of himself as a person who has his own opinion and position. It is adults who perceive him as a baby, but not himself! Many children's whims and misunderstandings take roots from here.

If the little one does not have enough attention, he finds a way to influence adults - disobedience. A very efficient way! Doing the opposite is also one of the ways the baby influences the parents. The reasons for this behavior may be resentment or lack of attention from parents.

The feeling of self-doubt arises on the basis of the constant jerking of the baby and the irritation of the parents for the slightest reason. The little man is simply trying to defend himself and ceases to perceive the constant pulling from the mother, is abstracted.

Unsystematic upbringing is obtained when the crumbs have a lot of educators - mothers with fathers, grandmothers with grandfathers, uncles with aunts. Each of the educators has their own ideas about the right upbringing, which may contradict the ideas of other family members. This style can be called "swan, crayfish and pike". The kid simply does not know what to do: some praise him, others punish him.

Some parents make the little man simply impossible demands. This usually happens with authoritarian parents who elevate their word and power to the absolute. No one listens to the child, no one is interested in his condition - they only demand. If the requirement is not met, punishment follows. Being in such an atmosphere is extremely difficult even for adults, not to mention children.

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What to do with a naughty baby?

Japanese tradition forbids scolding and punishing children under the age of five. This time is considered sacred, the child should not be touched for educational purposes. How to be, and is it possible to spank a child if he does not understand the words? In this situation it is better to do this:

1. switch the attention of the little one to another object;
2. take him away from the place where he indulges and does not obey;
3. try to negotiate.

Many parents, and even psychologists, advise in case of inappropriate behavior of the baby, it is easy to hit the pope with the palm of your hand. Does it need to be done? Moms motivate their right to strike like this: out of surprise, the baby forgets about his pranks and begins to perceive educational information better. Maybe this is rational. But the consequences of such an approach will be negative: over time.

How to replace a slap on the pope? As a last resort, you can:

• shout at the baby
• grab him by the hand.

Remember that only parents have the right to yell at a child or pull his hand. Do not let kindergarten teachers treat your child rudely: they do not have the right to do so. Moreover, spank on the pope or on the back! If you learn about this from a toddler, put the question point-blank at a meeting or in the manager's office. The baby should feel the protection of his parents.

How else can you punish a little naughty? It is allowed to isolate the baby: put it in a corner for a short time or close it in your room. You can deprive a walk to the playground or not give sweets.

Important! You can not intimidate small children with babayki and wolves! Some sensitive babies may get a lot of stress due to their fear of monsters.

obedient children

What kind of children are obedient? Psychologists are sure that absolute obedience is unnatural for a normal, cheerful child who is in good health. Children are completely obedient.

• with a phlegmatic character;
• with congenital diseases;
• with weak immunity;
• afraid of punishment.

Phlegmatic by nature, children do not interfere with anyone, do not create problems and do not distract adults “on trifles”. Such children do not need to be beaten with a belt and spanked on the bottom - they do not set a precedent. However, with this type of character, it will be difficult for a baby to adapt in a society where most people are sanguine or choleric.

Children who are naturally sick are also “obedient”: they do not have a source of additional energy for curiosity, which causes displeasure of parents. The fact that for the baby is the process of learning the world - causes reproach or anger of parents. "Don't touch the outlet! Who did you tell?” Mom screams. Do you think the baby will listen? All the same, it will climb, and then it will get hit in the pope with a belt or hand. Curiosity is one of the causes of disobedience.

He was beaten with a belt many times and left a deep wound in his soul with such methods of education. This is just an ideal child: he does not complain about anything, does not ask for anything, does not annoy adults. But how difficult it will be for him in life, mom and dad do not even guess! It will be an adult with a full range of phobias and complexes.

Results

Let's see why parents resort to child abuse? Do they have the right to do so? Theoretically, they have: the baby is completely at the mercy of adults. Dependent position and gives parents the right to go too far for educational purposes at any time. However, this is just an excuse for their pedagogical incompetence: mothers do not want to waste energy on persuading the baby. The simplest and easiest way is to hit the pope with a swing.

The educational process is never smooth and takes a lot of mental energy from adults. However, it is important to show patience and understanding towards the little man. Why shouldn't children be beaten? Physical impact:

• damages health;
• cripples the psyche;
• provokes retaliatory aggression;
• generates feelings of anger.

Many babies withdraw into themselves and try to distance themselves from the endless stream of complaints. Over time, you can get an uncontrollable teenager, embittered and cruel. It is better not to use physical force for educational reasons.

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When a child appears in the family, the parents promise themselves to take care of him and never offend him. But this is not easy to implement, because growing up, children begin to test the patience of adults with disobedience and pranks. In such a situation, many fathers and mothers think about the use of physical punishment and ask themselves the question - to beat a child or not to beat as a punishment for misconduct?

Slapping with a belt or hand on the pope is one of the most popular educational measures and parents who use this method do not see anything reprehensible in it. Is physical punishment really safe and facilitates the educational process? To understand this, consider its impact on the child, as well as the possible consequences.

Why do so many people think it's common to raise kids with spanks and cuffs?

There are several reasons why parents use force:

• "hereditary" factors. If a father or mother was physically punished in childhood, the question of whether it is possible to beat children for the purpose of education often does not even arise. They are confident that this is the only correct and possible method of influencing the child, well fixing the information received during the instructive conversation.
• Another motive to hit a child is the displacement of their own negative emotions from failures, resentment, problems at work. It happens that children simply fall into a hot hand, because there is no one else to vent their anger on.
• Sometimes the reason is the reluctance to spend time on lengthy conversations and repeated repetition of the rules of conduct. After all, it is always easier to slap on the pope than to explain to the child that he was wrong and understand the reasons for what happened.
• Sometimes they turn to physical punishment out of desperation. When parents' knowledge of the parenting process is not enough and it is not possible to find an approach, the use of force seems to be the only way to cope with the "little monster".
• Mental instability. People who have unresolved psychological problems or any mental disorders may beat children and break down on them for no apparent reason. After, having calmed down, the parent who hit the child regrets his behavior, but still cannot control himself. In this case, it is necessary to work out the problem with a psychologist or other specialist.

What is physical punishment?

Physical punishment does not necessarily mean beating a child. This concept includes all impacts with the use of force - rude pulling of hands or clothes, pushing, slapping, force-feeding, or, conversely, deprivation of food.

It does not matter whether the parent picks up a belt or uses other means at hand (towel, slippers, etc.). Any actions aimed at causing pain, demonstrating their power and physical superiority, leave their mark on the soul of the child.

Is it okay to hit kids?

How to beat a child and is it worth doing it at all? The opinions of parents on this issue are very different. Some are entirely “for” physical punishment within reasonable limits, others find a lot of arguments “against”.

The following facts testify in favor of the use of softer measures of education:

• Any methods of physical influence do not contribute to better assimilation of information. In childhood, a person's ability to store memories is less developed, so the punishment and the events that led to it are forgotten quickly enough in any case.
• Slapping on the pope is a humiliating procedure that causes anger and resentment in a child, which seems unfair to him, and therefore does not in any way encourage him to realize his misconduct.
• The use of physical punishment reduces the significance of your words for children. That is, if you started to practice it, then everything that acted on the child before will cease to serve as a stopping factor for him. This means that force will have to be used again and again, as other arguments will not be taken seriously.

In addition, the negativity that arises in children in response to physical punishment often leads to a new wave of disobedience and a desire to do “out of spite”. After such behavior, the child is beaten again. This is how the cycle of family violence is formed.

Effects

Physical punishment does not go unnoticed for a child. This statement is especially true when it comes to the systematic use of force in education.

Here are some facts that explain why you should not hit children:

• The constant fear of parents, resulting from physical punishment, eventually leads to the development of neurosis. Against the background of it, the child experiences difficulties in communicating with peers, becomes unsure of himself.
• Having matured, such children have severely low self-esteem, which prevents them from realizing themselves in their careers and personal lives.
• A child remembers for life that the one who is stronger is right. In the future, he will use this principle himself, showing cruelty to the weak.
• Children who have been brought up with force, in most cases, repeat this scenario, creating a family of their own.
• Regular physical punishment reduces the ability of children to concentrate on their studies. So is it necessary to stand over the child with a belt, trying to improve his performance in school?
• Each episode of beating alienates the child from the parents, destroying closeness and trust, deprives the closest people of mutual understanding. As a result, when the baby grows up, he is unlikely to want to take care of an aged father or mother.
• According to statistics, more than 90% of criminals in childhood were subjected to physical punishment and violence by parents. You don't want to raise a maniac, do you?
• The consequence of humiliation in the family is a feeling of uselessness and loneliness. In this state, the child can easily fall under the influence of dubious people who have shown interest in him. The result of this is bad company, early drinking, drug addiction, involvement in criminal gangs.

In addition, in a fit of emotions it is easy not to calculate the strength. A child who has fallen under a hot hand may fall, hit a sharp object and receive serious injuries, sometimes incompatible with life.

How not to hit a child in a fit of anger?

Even slapping on the buttocks is a measure that should be applied last. Let's look at a few tricks that allow you to restrain yourself in a stressful situation and learn how to control your anger.

First of all, we must try to understand why the child misbehaves. Perhaps this is due to age characteristics () or something provoked it. To beat in such a situation is absolutely useless.

You need to make allowances for the fact that children are just learning to show their emotions correctly. By disobedience, they often protest against some life circumstances that they cannot yet explain in words, or attract the attention of parents who are too busy with other things.

If you feel like you can no longer hold back, you need to take a break and switch your attention to activities that help you cope with negativity, for example:

• Try to slowly count to 5 in your head.
• Go to another room and tell your child that you will be back a little later. Left alone with yourself, you can crumple up unnecessary papers to free yourself from anger. If you are calmed by putting things in order, shift things, wipe the dust.
• Eat something delicious.
• Imagine the situation from the outside - is it really that important? Think back to your childhood and how you felt when your parents punished you.
• Also a good way to calm your nerves is to take a warm shower with your favorite gel.
• Use humor more often. Any situation can be defuse with a joke and the problem will no longer seem so important.

Of course, these methods do not help everyone. But, if you wish, you will be able to find a suitable solution.

Alternatives

Even if you manage to restrain yourself and not slap the child on the bottom, the problem remains - how then to achieve obedience? Psychologists recommend setting boundaries for children from an early age. It is necessary to explain what is possible, what is impossible and how to behave in public places from the moment the child begins to understand speech.

But no matter how well you raise your baby, periodic whims and pranks are inevitable. Explaining the undesirability of such behavior will be more effective than physical punishment. But if the child is hysterical, you need to start talking only when he calms down. Washing with cool water, switching attention to toys helps young children to come to their senses.

The conversation should go smoothly, without lisping, but also without pressure. Take an interest in the reasons for the child’s act, calmly explain to him why it is impossible to do this, how to correct the situation, and also offer acceptable options for behavior. If such an offense happened for the first time, you can limit yourself to suggestion and warn that the next time the punishment will follow (voice which one).

As educational measures, it is recommended to use non-force methods of influence - deprivation of games at the computer, going to the cinema or for a walk, pocket money, and the like. It is important to be consistent - if you promised to punish bad behavior, then you should do so. Otherwise, the child, feeling permissiveness, will repeat his pranks more than once.

To eradicate unwanted behavior, you need to talk more with children, be interested in their friends and environment, because many problems can originate there. In addition, the child largely copies the behavior of adults. Think about it, perhaps in some ways you yourself set a bad example for him (shout, use swear words, do not keep promises). In this case, not only the child, but also you will have to work on yourself.

Asking the question - to beat a child or not to beat, you need to understand that by applying physical punishment, you sign your own weakness and inability to convey the idea in other ways.

Psychological traumas received in childhood as a result of cruel upbringing can ruin the future of children and irreparably spoil their relationship with their parents. Therefore, before spanking a child, you should think twice and look for a more humane way to influence.

Useful video on how to properly punish children