On intimate relationships in an Orthodox family. Attitude towards women in Christianity Christianity about love between a man and a woman

prot. V. Kharinov

One of the myths deeply rooted in modern secular society is the myth of the oppressed position of women in Orthodoxy. The influence of the extensive mass media propaganda of equality between the sexes and the popularization of feminism is so strong that it is often difficult for people and especially women who have embarked on the path of churching to get rid of it.

And often only the desire to live according to the Gospel commandments, communication with Orthodox people and an experienced spiritual mentor are able to dispel these doubts. About what is the real role of women in Orthodoxy, what is the essence of women's church ministry, as well as about the Sacrament of Marriage and true love between a man and a woman, we talk with the rector of the churches of the icon of the Mother of God "Joy of All Who Sorrow" (St. Petersburg ) and the Dormition of the Mother of God (v. Lezier-Sologubovka) by Archpriest Vyacheslav Kharinov.

Father Vyacheslav, what, in your opinion, is the special role of women in the Church?

In order to talk about the female role in the Church, one must understand what determines the need for female participation in church life. And for this it is enough to remember that - the Kingdom of God on earth, which, despite the presence of human weaknesses and infirmities in it, is on the whole a God-human organism and each person, each member of this organism has its own place. Thus, the need for a woman's ministry in the Church is objectively conditioned: the uselessness of a woman simply cannot be here. As for the special female ministry of the Church, it naturally differs from the male ministry, just as our duties, habits, and structure in the world differ. The pinnacle of female ministry in the Church is female monasticism. At the same time, it cannot be said that the nun always exists in the background, is bound by endless obediences, is silent and downtrodden. On the contrary, the attitude towards nuns within the Church is very touching, respectful and gentle. Moreover, they, like the priests, are asked for blessings, and they also kiss their hand, which, of course, is an illustration of equality. In general, the aspect of equality between man and woman in Christianity is very often underestimated. Those who argue that in Christianity a woman is a downtrodden creature simply do not know history and do not imagine what position a woman was in before Christianity, which actually revealed a woman, made her equal to a man. After all, the consciousness of an ancient man in relation to a woman was exclusively consumer - as, in fact, the attitude that is being implanted now.
And today, without women teachers, without those who help clean up the church and stand in the candle shops, we simply would not have coped. Probably only a woman with her special mental disposition, with her unique ability to be a mother for everyone, can do all this difficult work with love and joy. And the singers and choir directors? This is a kind of golden fund for the Church. The girls who come to the churches from the regency department are not just musically literate professionals who know how to conduct, they become guardians of the age-old traditions of faith and culture, they took a course in theological sciences and passed theological disciplines on a par with seminarians. Based on my own experience, I can say that if there is no competent choir director in the church, then the most talented priest will not be able to build a service with due grandeur and content. In general, a woman is, one might say, the face of the Church and at the same time a great blessing for the Church. But this blessing turns into a huge Evil if a woman does not have love, warmth and hospitality. Such women are capable of turning away from the Church even more than any theological errors in the preaching of a priest. Therefore, a woman bears a very great responsibility, because, unfortunately, the clergy are often inaccessible for various reasons: people come to church, and the priest either at religious services, or does paperwork, or attends various instances .. But a woman remains in the church. And if she suddenly does not turn out to be that very hospitable mother, if she is grumpy, arrogant or unfriendly, then very often this repels people.

You say that Christianity has exalted women, but why, then, in church literature, especially ancient ones, there are many negative statements about women as “a repository of sin and filth”?
Such characteristics of women are by no means a discriminatory moment, and they must be considered in the context of time, in the context of an era. Here it is necessary, first of all, to understand to whom these statements are addressed. As a rule, their addressees were monastics and mostly young people. And here we are talking about women of vulgar behavior, and not about pious Christians and loving Mothers. In order to understand this, it is enough to give a few examples: the mother of St. Augustine, Monica, did everything to make her son what he became. The same can be said about Saints Mary and Basilissa, the mothers of St. Sergius of Radonezh and the pious Theodosia, who raised three (!) Saints - her nephews Amphilochius and Gregory Nazianzin and the orphan Olympias ... The saints and for a long time postponed their ministry in the Church precisely because of filial love and the need to care for mothers. Those, being themselves holy lives, raised holy sons! Let's remember Maria Vladimirskaya, Irina Muromskaya, Zoya Attaliiskaya, who shone with their husbands. Saints Mary of Bethany, Juliana of Ptolemaid, Eupraxia of Moscow were sisters of the holy brothers. Equal to the apostles Helen, Nina and Olga disposed to the adoption of Christianity very tough and formidable rulers Constantine, Tiridates and Vladimir, which influenced the course of world history ...
As for women of vulgar behavior, then we must take into account the phenomenal feature of female nature, which lies in the fact that a woman, in a sense, is a more subtly organized being than a man, and moral claims to a woman are obviously higher. It is through a woman that we join love - our mothers teach us first, and the whole universe for us in infancy is the face of our mother. For this reason, any vulgarity of a woman is perceived much more painful than a vulgarity of men. If a woman drinks and loses control over herself, then the unnaturalness of her behavior is perceived much more acutely than it happens in a similar case with a man, and this is because we all have an image of a woman as a highly moral being. Thus, the most pious, the most outwardly handsome woman who loses control over herself becomes simply terrifying. Perhaps this is partly the result of a woman's weakness and high emotional susceptibility, using which demonic forces, wishing to manipulate, above all, the human soul, attack a woman as an easily accessible and at the same time the most moral and highly organized creature. A woman is a tidbit for the forces of evil also because a very subtle god-likeness is embedded in her - after all, the maternal instinct and the innate need to give life is nothing more than the closest analogue of fatherhood, which is inseparable from God, as the Father who gives life to all of us. Thus, striking a woman, the forces of evil strike right at the root of life - in future children and descendants.

A woman is the personification of love, and earthly love in its highest manifestation can exist only in a marriage union. What is the meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage and why is light, pure and fervent love considered sinful if it is not sanctified by the church?
The fact is that sympathy or affection, that is, love not in its highest form, is possible in ordinary life. But the form always corresponds to the content - you cannot pour a lot into a small vessel, and therefore the Sacrament of Marriage is an opportunity to make the form as large as possible. Those who try to infuse marriage into a small form of a non-existent marriage invariably fail, and this is simply explained: you must always be honest with God, with people and with each other, otherwise any business is doomed to failure. In marital relations outside of marriage, there is always a moment of some reticence, convention and, as a consequence, formlessness, which, with a very high content of marital relations, invariably leads to stupidity and dissonance. In such a relationship, each partner invariably "pulls the blanket over himself," while true conjugal love implies sharing all the gifts that a man and a woman can have.

And where does true love between a man and a woman begin, the love leading to the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage?
It begins by trying to establish a friendship. After all, it is friendship that characterizes the highest union of man and God. No wonder Abraham became a friend of God and the Lord spoke with Moses face to face, as if someone were talking to his friend (). And, addressing his disciples, Christ said: You are my friends if you do what I command you (). Likewise for two people - it all starts with an attempt at friendly rapprochement. Outside of this, guided by naked calculation, fiery passion or whatever else, true love cannot be found - the ghost of another seductive bait will always loom around the corner, leading a person further and further into the kingdom of sin. By the way, in this issue, as in most others, he opposes the world, since the world has always talked and will talk about the impossibility of friendship between a man and a woman. On the contrary, the Church calls for this friendship and speaks of it as the main condition for a happy marriage. Moreover, if these friendships are not established and developed, then the marriage will be either formal or unhappy.
In the friendship between a man and a woman there is always an element of alliance and mutual assistance of Adam and Eve, because if people do not become friends, and therefore allies, co-workers and helpers to each other, then everything falls apart. At the same time, it is very important to correctly perceive and evaluate our difference, dissimilarity and dissimilarity. It must be understood that it is precisely due to this dissimilarity that the marriage union becomes a form of indestructible life. It is in this otherness that the pledge of the family's survival and the unsinkability of the family ship is guaranteed. And we must be able to see this difference, love it and, faced with a different logic, different approaches and a different point of view of the spouse, understand that this is the meaning of God's plan for us, the guarantee of our all-round protection. The problem of many modern families is that in a spouse people are trying to find their second self, to find some kind of tracing of themselves, and this, at least, is naive and leads to disastrous consequences, since God created us different.

Can we say that falling in love is a sin for a married woman?
In fact, falling in love or falling in love, which has not grown into a sinful prodigal passion, is something from which no person is immune all his life. We all tend to be fascinated by the personality of another person. There is nothing sinful in the ability to sincerely admire the people around us - this is even wonderful, because through this we reveal God. But if a person takes this charm for love, then, to paraphrase the poet, "his lot is terrible, and his house is fragile." And at the same time it is very important to realize that no matter how wonderful a man is - tall, slender, intelligent, educated, rich - there is never a guarantee that in a day, an hour or even five minutes later you will not meet another slightly taller, more physically developed, smarter, richer, more beautiful and charming ... You should never forget that the path of passion and superficial love joy, bringing a fleeting sensation of new victories, is always a path down, a path to degradation, a path to losing oneself, a path that immediately will take control of demonic forces, very reluctant to part with their victims.

Father Vyacheslav, what advice would you give to a woman who is sure that she has met the love of her life and is going to get married?
I would wish her to feel like Eve, having found Adam, as a missing part of herself. Be sure that there is no other Adam on the whole Earth, besides the one given to her by God. To be afraid of losing the one who fills life with meaning and leadership, just as Christ leads and gives life to the Church. Forgetting a terrible and godless word is a divorce. Know that family happiness is based on parental prayers and blessings. To thank the One who gave each of us the joys of friendship, love, creativity and knowledge. To be ready to live up to the name given to her at the dawn of human history - life-giving.

with father Vyacheslav
talked by Ivan Mikhailov

“The woman came from the rib of the man. Not from the leg, to be humiliated ... Not from the head, to surpass ... But from the side, to be side by side with him .... From under the arm, to be protected ... And from the side of the heart, to be Loved! "

Blessed Augustine

"Have a wife a friend and with strong love make her be submissive to yourself."

Saint Theophan the Recluse

From the book of Blessed Augustine "Confession": “The mother of Blessed Augustine, Saint Monica, had a very hot-tempered and tough-tempered husband, but she lived in harmony with him and calmly, so her friends, who often quarreled with their husbands, asked her for advice on how to soften their obstinate disposition?

“Dear friends,” she replied, “you yourself are to blame for enduring great insults from your husbands: you answer their every insulting word with annoyance and mutual insult, the more you upset them.

And I, when I see that my husband is angry, I am silent and only in my soul I pray to God that silence returns to his heart. His hot temper goes away by itself, and I am always calm. "

Holy Righteous John of Kronstadt: "When a neighbor comes to you, always have great respect for him, for in him is the Lord, who through him often expresses His will."

Priest Alexander Elchaninov: “There is a path of marriage and a path of monasticism. The third state - virgins in the world are very dangerous, seductive and not everyone can do. In addition, such people pose a danger to those around them: the radiance and beauty of virginity, which, after all, to some extent are “mating plumage” (when they have no direct religious meaning), attract and excite unhappy feelings.

Marriage is a dedication, a mystery. It contains a complete change in man, an expansion of his personality, new eyes, a new sense of life, birth through him into the world in a new fullness.
But the individualism of our time creates special difficulties in marriage. Overcoming them is the conscious efforts of the two to create marriage, "walking" before God (only the Church really, to the end, solves all problems). And yet - the most, it would seem, simple, but also the most difficult - the determination to take each of his place in marriage: the wife humbly takes second place, the husband - to take the burden and responsibility to be the head. If there is this determination and desire, God will always help on this difficult, martyrdom ("Holy Martyr ..." - while walking around the lectern), but also a blessed path.

Neither a man, let alone a woman, has absolute power over each other in marriage.and. Violence against the will of another, even in the name of love, kills love itself; and then - the question: is it necessary to submit to such violence, since it is a danger to the dearest? There is an infinite number of unhappy marriages precisely because each side considers itself the owner of the one it loves. Almost all the difficulties of marriage are from here. The greatest wisdom of marriage is to give complete freedom to the one you love: our earthly marriage is a semblance of a heavenly marriage (Christ and the Church), and then there is complete freedom.

It is said about a woman - a weak vessel (cf .: 1 Pet. 3, 7) - "Infirmior vasa". This "weakness" consists mainly of a woman's subordination to the natural elements in herself and outside her. Because of this, there is weak self-control, irresponsibility, passion, blindness in judgment. Almost no woman is free from this, she is always a slave to her passions, her antipathies, her “wants”. Only in Christianity does a woman become equal to a man, subordinates her temperament to higher principles, acquires prudence, patience, the ability to reason, wisdom. Only then is her friendship with her husband possible.

How sad and incomplete is the existence of a girl, and what a fullness of existence a woman has. No romance can replace marriage. In the novel, people appear in splendor and flourishing, but still not themselves: in the novel, a ghostly, embellished reality is revealed, and the life of each of the two is certainly a pose, albeit a forgivable and innocent one.
Only in marriage is complete knowledge of a person possible - a miracle of sensation, touch, vision of someone else's personality, and this is as wonderful and unique as the knowledge of God by mystics. That is why, before marriage, a person slides over life, observes it from the outside, and only in marriage does he immerse himself in life, entering it through another person. This enjoyment of real knowledge and real life gives that feeling of complete completeness and satisfaction that makes us richer and wiser.
And this completeness deepens with the emergence of a third of us, merged and reconciled, our child ...

Philosophy of family quarrels: often quarrels come from the wife's reproaches, which are difficult for the husband to accept, even if these reproaches are correct (pride). We need to figure out where these reproaches come from: often they are from the wife's desire to see her husband better than he really is, from increased demands on him, that is, from a kind of idealization. In these cases, the wife is the conscience of her husband and it is necessary to accept her reproaches in this way. A man, especially in marriage, tends to sink down and settle down on an empirical given. The wife tears him away from her and expects more from her husband. In this sense, the presence of family collisions, oddly enough, is proof of an accomplished (and not just projected) marriage, and in this new person, merged of two, the wife plays the role of conscience.
That is why quarrels between close people are sometimes even useful - in the fire of a quarrel, all the rubbish of grievances, misunderstandings, which sometimes accumulated long ago, burns up. And after mutual explanation and confession, there comes a feeling of complete clarity and calmness - everything is clarified, nothing bothers you. Then the higher abilities of the soul are untied and, communicating mutually, you agree on amazing things, complete unity-soul, one-thought is achieved.
In marriage, the festive joy of the first day should last a lifetime; every day should be a holiday, every day a husband and wife should be new and different to each other. The only way for this is to deepen the spiritual life of everyone, to work on oneself.

So only love is precious in marriage, it is so scary to lose it, and sometimes it disappears from such trifles that all thoughts and efforts must be directed here (and also to the “divine”) - everything else will come by itself.

The difficulty of relations between relatives by blood and in the family in general depends on the fact that in the family (husband - wife, parents - children) relations of an instinctive-natural order usually dominate and if one of its members lives a spiritual life, then he has a bad time. A man's enemies are his own household (Matthew 10:36) - it is said about this case.
That erroneous judgments, usually wrong - in a good or bad direction, an assessment that almost everyone sin in relation to their loved ones - from the inability to objectively relate to their own, from a blood and passionate interest in their own, which leads to blindness and exaggeration.
When Christ, for the merits of one, says: Now salvation has come to this house (Luke 19: 9), then these words speak of recognition in that world, about the eternity of our earthly, blood ties. The merits and sufferings of one save his loved ones - how comforting and meaningful these words are, what eternal value they give to our earthly life!

Younger children in families or "children of old age" are usually the chosen ones: the Holy Virgin, John the Baptist, Isaac, Joseph. Saint Teresa was the last of the nine. In fairy tales he is different, in the spiritual sense he is the younger. It is true, this is because the carnal, egoistic, passionate has weakened in the parents, and the spiritual has grown. " (Priest Alexander Yelchaninov "Records". M .: "Father's House", "Native Word", Simferopol, 2014)

“You know that so-called happy marriages do happen. For a marriage to be happy, one condition is required of spouses: they must acquire spiritual wealth by loving Christ and keeping His commandments. Then they will truly love each other and be happy. Otherwise, they will be mentally poor and will not be able to give love to anyone. They will be open to Satanic attacks that will make them miserable. "

Nun Nina Krygina: « In Russia they called the beloved man - "The light of my eyes", because a man is the Way, it is an arrow indicating the ascent to the upper worlds.

A loving woman admiringly looks at her beloved as a light that helps her not to forget herself.

AND the woman's name was “My Soul”. Because it resembles something for the sake of which it makes sense to move this Path. Everything is just for the soul. There is no sense in anything: neither in wars, nor in achievements, nor in knowledge, nor in abilities - if the soul is forgotten. "

“Wives, learn to solve issues without hysterics. Help the man feel like the head of the family. Do not humiliate or reproach him, but often consult with him. And bring up the children so that dad's opinion is on any situation. It should be as he says. "

« The feeling of motherhood is not innate.

Scientists have established that it develops in a woman, as thinking, will, imagination develop. It can be formed or suppressed by setting other landmarks as the most significant ones. In the post-Soviet period, the desire for self-realization, for the achievement of personal success and independence began to be encouraged. Motherhood, as an independent value, simply did not fit into this coordinate system, or it did fit with great difficulty. From early childhood, the girl was guided by exemplary behavior, good studies, then - by choosing a profession, success in work. Happiness in personal life, of course, was assumed, but it was always perceived as accompanying success in work. Therefore, it is not surprising when a significant part of modern Russian women perceives motherhood not as their vocation, but as a burden, an obstacle in professional development, as something with which one must come to terms with time. What to do in these conditions? Change the mindset on the importance of motherhood and, of course, give birth. Realize that motherhood is a duty to the Fatherland and a guarantee of personal happiness».

Archimandrite Ephraim (Vatopedi):“Know that as soon as a married couple are married, the devil sets out to divorce them. Therefore, sooner or later, fighting begins between the spouses, most of whom, unfortunately, do not know this reality.

And, although at the beginning everything went smoothly, "like clockwork", and love united two people, over time, disagreements and quarrels begin: "I stopped loving you", "we do not fit each other", "we have different characters" ...

What happened after ten or fifteen years of a happy married life? So they took it and suddenly stopped loving each other? Was it not for love that they got married? All this is spiritual warfare, invisible spiritual warfare. "

Archpriest Theodore Borodin: “The main wealth of a person on earth is the people who love him. The more there are, the richer a person is. The family is just such people: a wife who did not exist, but now she is; children who did not exist at all, and now the Lord has given them to you. If a person loves only himself, then, of course, it is harder for him in the family. It is not the family that makes a person unhappy, but the inability to love. "

Metropolitan Athanasius of Limassol: “Sometimes we hear
how young couples say: "I want only one thing from you: that you love me." I tell them: "Children, you have already made a fundamental mistake!" When you demand love from another, you give rise to a quarrel. Better tell your wife: "I only want one thing - to love you," and not that "she loved me." I must love you, I must take the first step and love you, give myself to you. Another will follow, another will come as a consequence. When you make another demand that he love you: “the only thing I want from you is that you love me, respect me, be decent, be a good wife” - it's all over! A conflict has been signed for the future, because after that you will say: "And you, it turns out, are not at all what I thought before." Don't you understand what you must first give to another person, and only then you will receive from him? If you want to receive from the very beginning, then everything will go awry! "

Priest Maxim Pervozvansky:“It is easy to learn to read the prayer rule, to master the Church Slavonic language, to understand what is happening in the church, to start confession or communion in time, to know how to take a blessing from a priest, to which saints to turn to in certain life situations. But it is much more difficult to transform yourself into another person who will not live for himself, his beloved, but for the sake of those people who are nearby. "

Hegumen Melchizedek (Artyukhin): “Happiness doesn’t mean that we seek pleasure and that our whole life is like beautiful packaging. It can only take place in being able to make others happy. Why are there many divorces, half of which occur in the first year of life? Because they got married, married promises and hopes. Hopes have passed, but promises have not been fulfilled. That is, he or she was looking for one thing - so that it would be good for them, and not for others - with them. "

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh: “How often, having offended someone and realizing that we were wrong, we go to the offended one and talk about our repentance, and after excited explanations, tears, forgiveness and touching words, we leave with the feeling that we have done everything possible. We cried together, we made up, and now everything is fine. But this is by no means the case. We simply enjoyed our virtues, and another person, perhaps kindhearted and easily moved, responded to our emotional scene. This is anything but appeal. No one asks us to shed tears and seek a touching encounter with the victim of our cruelty, even if that sacrifice is God. What is expected of us is something completely different: that, realizing our wrongness, we correct it. "

Venerable Porfiry Kavsokalivit:

One day a man comes to me and complains to me about his wife. I tell him:
- Are you that stupid?
- Is this nonsense - what I'm talking about?
- Big nonsense. Your wife loves you very much.
- Yes, but she constantly grumbles at me ...
- She makes you become a saint, and your head does not contain it. You get angry and, instead of becoming a saint, you torture yourself.
But if he had patience and humility, he would not lose the opportunity to be consecrated.

Holy Righteous Alexy of Moscow (Mechev):

What should be a husband and wife

“You attended the Tatar wedding, (write) that you were touched by the farewell of the groom to his family, during which many tears were shed. To this I will say that all this is natural, if you take everything seriously, then there is a lot to think about and what to grieve about. The groom lived without worries, he, perhaps, just like you, had a daily holiday, but, alas, the time has come to start an independent life, he is entrusted with a weak vessel - a wife, whom he must take care of as a weak being , and bear the whole burden of life yourself, as a stronger one. Perhaps his life experience has shown that only the husband has to drive the cart, without any participation of his wife. I must say that marriage is a serious matter.

Life experience shows that in life everyone has to endure a lot of sorrow and suffering. Therefore, everyone should take care of how to ease his thorny path in life. To do this, you need to have firm faith in God and love for Him and for your neighbor, or, better to say, seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and then everything will be added to you.

The spouses must, mainly, pursue not external beauty, as of little value, but spiritual beauty, which is most precious. The experienced groom tries to treat himself as strictly as possible, and to the new friend of life more carefully, and if some shortcomings in the bride are noticed, then refer them not to her, but to her parents and try to cover everything with love. Seeing the love and disposition of her husband, in turn, the wife tries to pay in the same way and, noticing the roughness of her husband's character, the wife, not wise with experience, covering everything with love, imperceptibly tries to correct these shortcomings, roughnesses and acts as a leader of the heart very skillfully, and through this mutual loving relationship to each other two beings, perhaps at first, were and are completely opposite to each other, come closer and become close and live to the point that one heart and one spirit is formed. However, I imperceptibly became completely philosophical - sorry. "

How to pray for a groom

“You write that it's hard for you to see your loved one with another. You suffer and at times you come to despair. I believe, dear, that this is hard for you. But imagine that you are already married, and he began to behave ugly. All this suggests that your Nicholas is by nature a bad person, a dishonest person, and to unite yourself with him at the present time for the rest of your life is a terrible suffering.

Pray, dear, to the Mother of God, to the holy prophet Elijah, to Saint Nicholas, to Tryphon the Martyr and Martyr Thomais for the ordering of your life. And I'm pretty sure your life will work out. Surrender yourself entirely to the Lord God, and He will arrange. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will fulfill the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord and trust in Him, and He will accomplish: Psalm 90, the 16th verse: He will call upon Me and I will hear him. I am with him in sorrow; I will destroy him and glorify him.

I promise to pray for you and for the lost Nicholas. And you just pray for the arrangement of your life, and with whom, it will be pleasing to the Lord God. Maybe the Lord will correct Nicholas and unite him with you, or maybe the merciful Lord will send you another person who will make you happy, and brighten up your life, and through this will comfort your parents.

I, dear, recently had a case like you: a girl came to me three months ago and complains that she had a fiancé whom she loved, but soon he left her and began to walk with another, and she inflicts terrible grief. I listened to her and advised her, like you, to pray for the arrangement of her life, but not with Vladimir, her fiancé, but with whomever God pleases. She left, began to pray, but in prayer she asked to unite her with Vladimir. And what, after three months, she comes to me and asks me to forgive her with tears for disobeying me, and told me that she began to pray, as I said, but not with whom the Lord pleased, but insisted on her own, on Vladimir, and why , married him sooner. And he, having lived a little, completely abandoned her. Here's an example of how dangerous it is to insist on your own. Better yet, I advise you to surrender yourself to the will of God. "

Saint Theophan the Recluse about family life he writes: “They are saved in more than one monastery. And in family life they are saved in every rank and state.

Perfection can be achieved in family life ... You just need to extinguish and eradicate passions. Pay attention to this and pay attention.

... Well you do that everyone is at home. It is bad when someone in his family does not find happiness for himself. If you find it, thank the Lord. But try to keep it that way. There is only one art: to start every day as if it were the first wedding field.

… The most fear of losing or shaking trust in each other is somehow. This is the basis for a happy married life.

... You are a family man. You cannot help bothering about everyday things. This is not forbidden, on the contrary, it is commanded to work in order to have content and help others. You just need not to torment yourself with care and, while working, put all hope on God, and everything that God gives is superfluous, return it to Him, through the poor, like a master's rent.

... Whoever lives in a family, that is also salvation from family virtues.

... You are a wife, mother, mistress. Responsibilities related to this are your salvation.

… God set the husband to be the guardian of the wife. And often he, without realizing it, gives permissions or prohibitions to his wife such as God instills in him.

It is very tricky to talk about marriage unions. The matter has become more complicated. There are wives - witches, there are husbands - fierce beasts. That husband flees from his wife; here the wife is from her husband ... and the flesh demands its own ... And in youth - outbursts of love ... and the children went ... It is not about recognizing the legality of illegal cohabitation, but about providing for innocent children ... I think it would be possible to decide this way: leaving illegality on the foreheads of those giving birth, to recognize as legal the upbringing and accommodation of those who are born and to demand it from those who gave birth, not transferring the stains from the forehead of those giving birth to those born, when they join the line of those living in society ... for they are not to blame.

Marriage has much consolation, but it is accompanied by many anxieties and sorrows, sometimes very deep. Keep this in mind, so that when something like this comes, it will not be met as a surprise. Now you two. And the joys are stronger, and the sorrows are more easily divided in half.

We must endure: this is the limit of God, which cannot be crossed. Whenever the wrongness of your son is taken away from your heart, restore the faith that here the hand of the Lord and the Lord is sending you something for which you will gain salvation, if you accept and bear it with good heart. This thought will smooth out the acuteness and bitterness of the course of affairs around you.

Children cause you a lot of grief. This is maternal martyrdom! If you endure it complacently and with thanksgiving to the Lord, then verily it will be so. Be the will of God over you in everything, and in you the corresponding devotion to God and obedience. "

Archimandrite John (Krestyankin)about the difficulties of family life, and how to overcome them, writes (from letters to worldly persons): “But you have to fight for your family, it's not just your relationship with your spouse. This is the life of your children, broken from early youth.

The first thing to do constantly is to pray for your spouse and to pray to Saints Guri, Samon and Aviv for the preservation of the family. The second, and no less important, is to look into your heart, to take a closer look at yourself - is it your fault that your husband is fighting off home.

And my prayer is only to help you. Children repeat the mistakes of their parents! "

«… Human happiness is nothing else but union with God, fulfillment of His saving commandments... So solve your vital problems for you from this position. You are a family man, and your marriage is blessed, which means that the most important thing for you is the salvation of the whole family, life in God for the whole family. The same vow given by you to God includes the material support of the family. Think and pray for the best way to do this. And for this, forgive me, the Lord gave us his head and mind. The confessor only slightly corrects your personally matured decisions or plans.

God make you wise! "

“… Both of you have just felt that there are real values \u200b\u200bin the world, but both of you have not yet touched them, but only admire and think that you already possess these treasures.

No, my dears, you both have such hard work ahead of you that only time will tell whether you will endure them and become the real owners of the treasures.

You need to start working to eradicate a lot of bad habits with which you have become akin. And I would advise you not to rush to tie the knot until you are rooted in the Christian worldview.

Now, in the period of spiritual warfare and formation, it is better not to bind oneself with everyday worries about marriage. Try to test yourself in pure friendship - it should lie in the foundation of a pure family. "

“... A Christian woman, by God's command, should educate her children in faith and piety and children from her children. Judging by your letter, you have not done this for your children. So they would take care of the grandchildren. And your husband is still alive, and you could take the tonsure only if he wanted to, that is, by mutual consent. But you do not have this. Therefore, stay the wife of your husband and help your children raise their grandchildren.

I cannot bless you to become a monk. "

«… In life, who did not have to make mistakes - pray to the Lord about your spouse and strive for family reunification by all possible means. This is your feat and sacrifice to God. Well, if D. turns out to be deaf and blind and stagnates in the fall, then your fault will not be, and the Lord will console you as an innocent victim. Sorrows teach us to pray and feel the closeness of God's mercy. And therefore - thank God for everything.

We will pray for you, giving you over to the will of God, not as you want, but as the Lord Himself! "

“… Well, how can I help you? The lump of sin, which began by disobeying the parental word, grew, grew, and grew. And just as the son did not pay any attention to the mother's word, so no one - neither mom nor dad - would look at the sorrow of children's hearts. And there is no concept that life is a godfather's feat, where you always have to sacrifice yourself to someone. And only for God and for the sake of God and for the glory of God will there be a way of life for salvation. And for the young, everything is either personal lusts and ambitions, or life is not real.

Pray for your son and daughter-in-law and grandchildren, because our parental fault is that they are as they are.

Help you, Lord. Pray that your son will carry his life's cross to the end for the sake of his children. "

“… Your Christian patience, humility and love, at least a little, in due time, will do their job, and your half, your husband, will revive in spirit.

But for this start working on yourself: it breaks down, you do not break down. Understand, because it is more difficult for him than for you, he does not know God, and the enemy is leading him “I don’t want to”.

Start praying for him constantly and with a feeling of pity, remember that from childhood it was difficult for him, just like you. And the rest is God's business. Read 1 Corinthians, chapter 7 and remember that you are sick with your husband, because you are one flesh.

And the fact that you pray secretly from him is good. This must be done without fail so as not to provoke him to blasphemy. The time will come when the secret can be done explicitly.

God's blessing to you! "

“… To be saved, you have to live not by dreaming, but in real life to bear the cross, which the Lord has already determined for you for salvation.

If God wills to see you not as a family man, but as a nun, then there are no obstacles for Him to free you from family cross bearing. But this does not exist, and therefore one should not pay attention to demonic jokes - dreams.

Pray for your husband (he is sick), for your son - before God you are responsible for them. Grieve for them and pray - this is your spiritual work for the salvation of the whole family.

And you need to pray for a spiritual father, and if the Lord considers that you need him, then He will give him to you.

God make you wise! "

«… And life is so difficult now, especially for young people... All landmarks have been swept away, sin has become the norm. And how many motherly tears are shed, and there is no way to comfort and cheer, - for the life here is already interceding for death in eternity. "

So what is true, true love? What are its manifestations? Let's turn to the Bible. The essence of true love is revealed by the Apostle Paul in his famous hymn, in the First Epistle to the Corinthians.

“... There is no fear in perfect love, but perfect love casts out fear, because in fear there is torment; the one who fears is imperfect in love. Love is longsuffering, merciful, love does not envy, love is not exalted, is not proud, does not rage, does not seek its own, does not think evil, does not rejoice in the truth, but rejoices in the truth, covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never fails, although prophecies will cease, and tongues will cease, and knowledge will be abolished. And now these three abide: faith, hope, love, but love is the greatest of them.

It is difficult to add something to what has been said, however, you can highlight individual points and consider them in more detail.

"Love will never end". Eternity can be called a very important feature of true love. Anything that cannot be eternal has no right to be called love. And what disappears from the relationship? Passion, love. After their extinction, at best, emptiness, indifference, sometimes bright memories arise, at worst, negative painful emotions: hatred, despair.

If love is truly true, then a marriage built on this foundation must be eternal. Ideally, spouses remain faithful throughout their lives, even after their death. Of course, not everyone, having been widowed, can no longer marry, therefore, a new wedding is allowed in the church as condescension to our weakness. “It would be better for you not to marry again, but if you cannot bear this feat, then join,” says the Church.

And there is no doubt that the unity of souls that spouses have during life, if the spouses really love, will also take place after death, since the eternity of love extends not only to earthly life, but crosses the border of death. You can give an example from the life of Xenia of Petersburg. She was widowed when she was twenty-six years old and had no children. The unexpected death of her beloved husband so much struck Ksenia Grigorievna that she turned over all her ideas about the earthly world and human happiness. She perceived the departure of her husband to another world as her own death.

The life of the ascetic informs that she did not enter into a new marriage and voluntarily took upon herself the feat of foolishness for Christ's sake. To people she seemed insane; in fact, her actions were filled with deep spiritual meaning. Having abandoned her former name, Ksenia took the name of her late husband and wore his costume. The blessed one assured that it was Xenia who had died, and willingly responded if she was called Andrei Fyodorovich. Thus, with her imaginary madness, she exposed the madness of this world, including a frivolous attitude towards marital intimacy and fidelity.

"Love is not looking for its own." That is, a person loves another for nothing, unlike falling in love, when they are often loved for something and because: he is strong, beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, etc. True love is unconditional love. How to understand this? Let's remember our parents or children. If you ask: "Why do we love them?" - then it is difficult to answer this question, since individual characteristics, of course, are not a reason for unconditional love.

We love both parents and children only because they are, as they are. In a marriage with true love, spouses love each other only because this particular person is your half (regardless of appearance, financial situation, etc.).

Sometimes there are married couples where the husband or wife is far from being handsome, but what a quivering, tender relationship, what care for each other! As the priest Iliya Shugaev figuratively notes: “A person's appearance is a dull glass. From a distance you see only the glass itself, and what is behind it you cannot see. But when you cling to such glass, you see only what is behind the glass, and you no longer see the glass itself. "

In this regard, we can recall the famous fairy tale "The Scarlet Flower". The youngest merchant's daughter fell in love with the ugly monster for his love and kindness to her. Love for an invisible friend helped the girl overcome fear and disgust for his visible image. Ugliness, ugly appearance - love conquered all this. Appearance receded into the background. As a result, a transformation took place: the "forest beast" became a young prince, "a handsome man, with a royal crown on his head."

“Love is long-suffering,” and indeed, patience, overcoming all kinds of difficulties and obstacles are the central characteristics of mature, true love.

In fairy tales, legends, the theme of marriage, love is closely connected with the theme of trials, difficulties that spouses have to overcome. This is a typical ending of folk tales: after going through fire, water and copper pipes, overcoming and atoning for their mistakes, he and she find each other, find, as they used to say, their “betrothed”.

An interesting word "betrothed". It expresses faith: the chosen one was destined to meet. And when two meet, they recognize each other. People often look for each other, as in the famous fairy tale: "Go there, I don't know where, bring that, I don't know what." But they immediately understand when that very fateful meeting takes place.

One situation comes to mind.

Oksana and Stepan, having already been together for several years in a happy, prosperous marriage, did not cease to be surprised, recalling their first meeting. The future spouses met unexpectedly: Oksana was late for work and stopped a passing car driven by Stepan. As both later confessed to each other, they immediately realized that the real meeting took place. What are the signs? It is difficult to explain it in words. Both felt that the heart seemed to turn over in their chest and then began to beat rapidly, words were not required. Later life confirmed the truth of the first feelings that grew into true love.

The real life of spouses is filled with all sorts of trials, overcoming which two really become "one flesh." In this regard, I recall another example described by the Orthodox author Marina Kravtsova.

Natasha and Alexey got married early, right after school. At twenty, they already had two children. Twins were born, Ira and Larisa. Everything was going well. They had their own apartment, Alexey worked, Natasha was happy to do household chores. And then something terrible happened: Alexei was hit by a car. And a young handsome man lay bedridden. And, much worse, he was sentenced to life infirmity and estate. The tragedy played out in the family did not break Natasha. Not a single day did she doubt that she would stay with her husband. Although everyone who knew her - friends, former teachers - insisted that sooner or later she would have to arrange her female destiny

Understand, - they said kindly, - you are still a girl, and he is a cripple. Is this how your youth will pass? Look at yourself, you're a beauty, everyone on the street is looking at you.

It was true. Natasha is very pretty. And not only the face is beautiful, but also the soul is beautiful.

I once made my choice, ”she said as she snapped. And no more "well-wisher" dared to open his mouth. For eight years Natasha selflessly looked after Lesha. Girls grew up. She worked, hardly met any of her friends, she just had no time. And most importantly, Natasha did not believe the doctors who treated Alexei. She was always trying to find such a specialist who could put her beloved on his feet. And I found it. The way she believed in the healing of her husband, how selflessly and loyally she served her family, could not go in vain. Alexei got to his feet. He feels like a complete person. And, of course, this is the merit of Natasha, a woman who knows how to love.

Love “is merciful,” in other words, forgives everything. Indeed, forgiveness is one of the main hallmarks of true love. We are all different, with our own character traits, habits, preferences. And often not everything is pleasant in the spouse. How you sometimes want to start redrawing, remaking your husband or wife. After all, it seems that just a little bit more and he (or she) will understand everything and begin to behave better, change. However, if this does not happen, how often do we feel resentment, anger: "After all, I tried so hard for him!"

In this regard, it is worth recalling the situation described by the holy elder Paisios the Svyatogorets.

The young man who lived like a worldly began to feel feelings for the girl who lived a spiritual life. In order for the girl to reciprocate him, he also tried to lead a spiritual life, to go to church. They merried. But years passed, and he returned to his old worldly life. They already had grown children. But, in spite of everything, this man continued to live dissolutely. He made a lot of money, but spent almost everything on his depraved life. The frugality of the unfortunate wife kept their household from collapse, with her advice she helped the children to stay on the right path. She did not condemn her husband, so that the children did not begin to feel hostility towards him and did not receive mental trauma, and also so that they were not carried away by the way of life that he led. When her husband came home late at night, it was relatively easy for her to justify him in front of the children: she said that he had a lot of work. But what could she say when, in broad daylight, he showed up at the house with his mistress? ... He called his wife and ordered various dishes, and in the afternoon he came to dinner with one of his mistresses. The unhappy mother, wishing to save the children from bad thoughts, received them cordially. She presented the case in such a way that her husband’s mistress was allegedly her friend and the husband stopped by this “friend's” home to bring her to visit them by car. She sent the children to other rooms to learn lessons so that they would not see any indecent scene, because her husband, not paying attention to the children, even in their presence allowed himself obscenity. This was repeated day after day. Every now and then he came with a new mistress. It got to the point that the children began to ask her: "Mom, how many friends do you have?"

"Ah, these are just old acquaintances!" she answered. And besides, her husband treated her like a servant, and even worse. He treated her very cruelly and inhumanly. The nightmare continued for several years. Once this man was racing in a car and fell into the abyss. The car crashed and he was seriously injured. He was taken to the hospital. And the doctors, having done what they could, sent him home. He became crippled. None of his mistresses even visited him, because he no longer had a lot of money, and his face was mutilated. However, his wife carefully looked after him, not reminding him of anything from his prodigal life. He was shocked and it changed him spiritually. He sincerely repented, asked

(to invite a priest to him, confessed, lived as a Christian for several years, having inner peace, and rested in the Lord. After his death, the eldest son took his place in business and supported his family. The children of this man lived very amicably, because they inherited mothers have good principles. ”In order to save the family from decay, and her children from bitter grief, she drank their bitter cups herself.

"Love endures everything." True love is sacrificial. How to understand this? Sacrifice is the ability to push your interests into the background for the sake of another, even when they seem so important. This is an opportunity for the sake of your neighbor to give up something valuable to yourself. There can be many options. In this regard, I recall the following example.

Oksana and Nikolai got married at the institute. She is a promising future children's doctor, he is a scientific worker. Everyone around them considered them a brilliant couple with huge career prospects. But life has set other accents. The first child, a girl who appeared in the family, completely turned Oksana's plans. She did not expect that so much attention will be required to the baby. All forces, all care were directed at her. In addition, the piled up economic affairs took away all strength. There was nowhere to wait for help. The husband was forced to give up his scientific career, took on almost any job, if it gave at least some money.

The girl grew up, Oksana was finally able to go to her favorite job. As soon as she felt professionally in demand, she realized that she was expecting a second child. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the management of the institution in which Oksana worked was going to send her to an expensive internship in her specialty, which in the future opened up great prospects. What to do? Nikolai was adamant: "We will have a child," he snapped. Oksana was forced to accept. A boy was born. It is difficult to convey what Oksana had to endure, who found herself with two babies in her arms. The husband was hardly at home trying to find income. Diseases, upbringing, kindergarten, studies, additional education, music school ... Oksana had to part with her dreams of a career.

Of course, this is a very serious self-sacrifice for the sake of children. But life also consists of everyday, at first glance, small concessions, and sometimes loving people give each other the most precious thing they have.

A fine example of sacrifice was described by the famous author O. Henry in his story "Gifts of the Magi".

“One dollar eighty-seven cents. That was all ... And tomorrow is Christmas. The only thing that could be done here was to flop on the old couch and howl. That's exactly what Della did ... Della stopped crying and stroked her cheeks with a puff. She now stood by the window and looked sadly at the gray cat strolling along the gray fence along the gray courtyard ... She suddenly jumped away from the window and rushed to the mirror. Her eyes were sparkling, but the color faded from her face in twenty seconds. With a quick motion, she pulled out the hairpins and let her hair down. It must be said that the Jung couple had two treasures that were the subject of their pride. One is Jim's gold watch that belonged to his father and grandfather, the other is Della's hair ...

And then Della's beautiful hair spilled out, shining and shimmering like the streams of a chestnut waterfall. They went down below the knees and covered almost the entire figure with a cloak. But she immediately, nervous and in a hurry, began to pick up again. Then, as if hesitating, she stood motionless for a minute, and two or three tears fell on the shabby red carpet.

An old brown jacket on her shoulders, an old brown hat on her head - and, throwing up her skirts, sparkling with dry sparkles in her eyes, she was already rushing down into the street.

The sign she stopped at read: Hair Products of All Sorts.

Would you buy my hair? she asked Madame.

I'm buying hair, ”Madame replied. - Take off your hat, you need to look at the goods. The chestnut waterfall began to flow again.

Twenty dollars, ”said Madame, as usual weighing a thick mass in her hand.

The next two hours flew by on pink wings ... Finally she found. No doubt it was made for Jim, just for him. It was a platinum chain for a pocket watch, a simple and strict design ...

At home Della's animation subsided and gave way to prudence and calculation. She pulled out a curling iron, lit the gas, and began to repair the damage caused by generosity combined with love ... Jim stood motionless at the door, like a setter smelling quail. His eyes rested on Dele with an expression that she could not understand, and she felt scared ... He just looked at her, without taking his eyes off, and his face

Ero didn't change his strange expression ... - Did you cut your hair? - Jim asked with tension, as if, despite the increased work of the brain, he still could not realize this fact ... Jim took a package from his coat pocket and threw it on the table. “Don't get me wrong, Dell,” he said. - No hairstyle and haircut can make me stop loving my girl. But unfold this bundle, and then you will understand why I was a little dumbfounded in the first minute. Quick, nimble fingers tore at the string and paper. A cry of delight followed, immediately - alas! - purely feminine, replaced by a stream of tears and groans, so that it was necessary to immediately apply all the sedatives available to the owner of the house. For there were combs on the table, the same set of combs — one in the back and two on the side — that Della had long since admired in a Broadway window. Wonderful combs, real tortoiseshell, with shiny pebbles embedded in the edges, and just the color of her brown hair.

Then she jumped up like a scalded kitten and exclaimed. After all, Jim has not yet seen her wonderful gift. She hastily handed him the chain in her open palm. The dull precious metal seemed to play in the rays of her stormy and sincere joy ...

Dell, - said Jim, - we have to hide our gifts for now, let them lie down a little. They are too good for us now. I sold the watch to buy you combs. And now, perhaps, it's time to fry the cutlets "...

So, a wonderful story of the sacrifice of young loving people who gave the most precious thing they had to please each other. And this, probably, is true love, which is the most valuable gift that can only be given to each other.

What else is characteristic of true love?

Real, true love has a sense of self-renewal. If a marriage is built on initially correct spiritual foundations, then the moment of meeting (as an experience of a constantly renewing feeling) is always present with the spouses. It so happens that the spouses spend most of their time together: they work together, they relax together, they are happy and sad together. And, most importantly, they do not get tired of each other, but, on the contrary, more and more open new facets, new features in each other. Why is this happening?

In true love, a person reveals himself and helps to reveal himself to a loved one. If sensual pleasures, passion inevitably lead to satiety, then mature love is not satiable - a loved one does not get bored: love reveals in each other the image of God, which is inexhaustible and incomprehensible. Such love through all the masks, character traits, habits, body shell sees the true spiritual face of a loved one. And often, already in their declining years, a husband and wife seem to regain themselves, but already at a new level of relationship.

True love includes caring for another. Caring is a manifestation of the ability to give, not related to considerations of benefit and self-interest. Psychologist and philosopher I. Yalom identifies the following characteristics of true care:

Detachment from conscious attention to oneself, not thinking about what will he think of me? What's in it for me? Don't seek praise, admiration, sexual release, power, money;

Caring is active. Mature love loves, not loved. We give lovingly, not attracted to another;

Mature caring flows from a person's wealth, not from his poverty, from growth, not from need. A person loves not because he needs something else, not in order to exist, to be saved from loneliness, but because he cannot do otherwise;

Mature care is rewarded. Through care, a person receives care. The reward follows, but it cannot be pursued.

True love involves respect for the person of another. Respect is the recognition of the right of a spouse to make their choice, their individual view, even if it seems to us unreasonable, incorrect. This is sometimes very difficult to do. However, it is very important not to try to squeeze your spouse into the Procrustean bed of your own ideas, attitudes, points of view, even, it would seem, from the most noble motives. This, of course, is not good for the relationship. On this occasion, I recall the example described by the holy elder Paisios the Svyatogorets. “Once, while living in the Stomion monastery, I met a woman in the Cavalry whose face was shining. She was the mother of five children. Her husband was a carpenter ... If the customers made any trifling remark to this man ... then he seemed to be thrown off the chain. "Are you going to teach me ?!" he shouted, breaking his tools, throwing them into a corner and leaving. Now you can imagine what he did in his own house, if he destroyed everything in other people's houses! It was impossible to live with this man for a single day, and his wife lived with him for years. Every day she endured torment, but she treated everything with much kindness and covered everything with patience ... “After all, this is my husband,” she thought, “well, let him scold me a little. Maybe I, if I were in his place, would have behaved the same way. " This woman applied the Gospel in her life, and therefore God sent down His Divine Grace to her. "

But how often do we do otherwise! We are trying to remake, re-educate, remake the spouse, we are engaged in exhortations, persuasions, we give continuous advice, thereby constantly violating the freedom of the individual and his sovereignty. What is the bottom line? "Good" motives, as a rule, end in a quarrel, conflict, and this is quite understandable: a loved one does not want to be "re-educated" and begins to resist quite legally. Probably, more often you need to recall the words spoken by Ambrose Optinsky: "Know yourself, and that's enough for you."

There is another example. mm The spouses (Irina and Vyacheslav) lived in a married marriage, as they say, in perfect harmony. There was agreement on all the main issues: values, faith, outlook on life, interests ... Everything was fine, except that the husband could not get rid of the harmful, almost forty-year-old smoking habit. This became a stumbling block in the relationship of the spouses. Irina, with good intentions, decided: “I will do everything so that he gets rid of his addiction. After all, this is harmful to health and an Orthodox person has no right to such weakness. " The situation was complicated by the fact that Vyacheslav did not make the same decision for himself.

The wife began to resolutely "eradicate" the lack of her husband: persuasion, explanation of the harm of nicotine, threats ... But everything developed according to one scenario. Calm Vyacheslav patiently and for a long time endured all Irina's admonitions, but after a while he exploded and fell with anger on his wife. The relationship was at an impasse What to do? Irina could not find an answer to this question. With this problem, she went to her spiritual mentor, hoping to receive recommendations for the re-education of Vyacheslav. But everything turned out differently. Laughing at the unsuccessful attempts to reason with her husband, the spiritual father said: "But you knew whom you married, why do you think that you can change an adult?" He went on to say: “You missed the most important thing. It is impossible for a woman to change a man's nature. All your admonitions are perceived by Vyacheslav as attempts to interfere with his freedom, his personality, therefore, in response to good persuasion, resistance and irritation arise. Humble yourself and love your husband as he is. And God will put everything in its place. "

Irina had something to think about - she did not expect such an answer, but she firmly decided to do as her spiritual father said. Imagine the surprise of the woman when she found that after the termination of the "admonition", relations in the family changed dramatically for the better. The long-forgotten peace and quiet returned, and the husband began to show concern and participation.

The prototype of love without reservations and conditions is the love of the Lord Jesus Christ for humanity, who initially loves everyone, despite our deep sinful distortion and imperfection. The proof of this great love is the death of the Savior, who gave his life for the deliverance of man from eternal death. What other examples are needed! It remains only quite "a little" - to learn to love your neighbor so as not to think: "Well, let him first correct himself, take the true path, and then I will love him, of course, and truly!"

The whole point is that you need to love a person as he is now, with all his merits and demerits. And then love will melt, transform, reveal all the best, all the most beautiful in the other; you just have to wait patiently and love. After all, we throw an apple seed into the ground and do not come to harvest in a month, but for many years we patiently look after the tree, and only then we wait for the fruits. The fruits of love also do not appear immediately, the human soul is much more complex than a plant. And not every tree survives, many die. And more than half of the families fall apart without bearing any fruit, except for abandoned children and distorted souls. Priest Ilia Shugaev compares marriage to two stones, sharp and hard. As long as they do not touch each other, then everything seems to be fine, no one offends anyone, but put them in a bag and shake them hard and long! ..

In this case, two options are possible: either the stones are hewn and no longer injure each other, or not, and then the bag breaks and the stones fly out of it. The bag is family, marriage. And either the spouses, through small self-sacrifices, rub themselves in, or scatter at each other in anger. A huge number of divorces occur in the first two or three years of marriage. People do not understand that there was no love yet, but there was only love. For love still had to fight. And just none of the spouses wanted to get rid of their sharp corners. Then a new marriage is possible, and there the same continues as in the first. The man mistakenly believes that he has again got a bad wife, and the wife thinks that she was unlucky with her husband. In fact, both do not want to pull the "beam" out of their eyes and build a truly mature and loving relationship.

So, we have listed the main signs of true love. As Abbot Georgy (Shestun) notes, “... a person achieves full-fledged love all his life. It is a gift from God that is given by grace. And in order to achieve such love, you need to earn it: you need to acquire grace and keep it. And most importantly, you need to live to see love, you need to earn it. And if this happens, then in a few years the husband looks at his wife, and the wife looks at her husband, and he thinks: "What a blessing that I married her." And she thinks: "What a blessing that I married him." The understanding that this chosen one is the only one, that another person is nearby and impossible to imagine - this is love. But it comes when the ship of family life has overcome many storms, has survived in spite of everything. "

Elena Morozova, candidate of psychological sciences

Read more: http://www.realove.ru

Hegumen Peter (Mescherinov) wrote: “And, finally, we need to touch on the delicate topic of marital relations. Here is the opinion of one priest: “Husband and wife are free personalities, united by the union of love, and no one has the right to come to them with advice in the matrimonial bedroom. I consider harmful, and in a spiritual sense as well, any regulation and schematization ("schedule" on the wall) of marital relations, except for abstinence on the night before communion and the asceticism of Great Lent (by strength and mutual consent). I consider it completely wrong to discuss issues of marital relations with confessors (especially monastics), since the presence of a mediator between husband and wife in this matter is simply unacceptable, and never leads to any good ”.

God has no trifles. As a rule, the devil is often hiding behind what a person considers unimportant, secondary ... Therefore, those who want to improve spiritually need to bring order with God's help in all areas of their lives, without exception. Communicating with familiar family parishioners, I noticed: unfortunately, many in intimate relationships, from a spiritual point of view, behave “worthless” or, simply put, sin without even realizing it. And this ignorance is dangerous for the health of the soul. Moreover, modern believers often have such sexual practices that some secular ladies' men may have their hair on end from their skill ... Recently I heard how one woman who considers herself Orthodox proudly declared that she had given only $ 200 for "super" educational sexual trainings -seminars. In all her manner, intonation, one could feel: "Well, what are you thinking about, follow my example, especially, married couples are invited ... Study, study and study again! ..".

Therefore, we asked the teacher of the Kaluga Theological Seminary, candidate of theology, graduate of the Moscow Theological Academy, Archpriest Dimitri Moiseyev, to the questions of what and how to learn, otherwise “the teaching is light, and the uneducated is darkness”.

Is intimate relationships in marriage important to a Christian or not?
- Intimate relationships are one of the aspects of married life. We know that the Lord established marriage between a man and a woman in order to overcome the division between people, so that spouses could learn, through work on themselves, to achieve unity in the image of the Holy Trinity, as St. John Chrysostom. And, in fact, everything that accompanies family life: intimate relationships, joint upbringing of children, household, just communication with each other, etc. - all these are means that help a married couple achieve a measure of unity available for their state. Consequently, intimate relationships occupy one of the most important places in married life. This is not the center of being together, but at the same time, it is not such a thing that is not needed.

On what days are Orthodox Christians forbidden to have intimacy?
- The apostle Paul said: "Do not move away from each other, unless only by agreement for the exercise of fasting and prayer." It is customary for Orthodox Christians to abstain from marital intimacy on the days of fasting, as well as on Christian holidays, which are days of intense prayer. If anyone is interested, take the Orthodox calendar and find the days that indicate when the marriage is not performed. As a rule, during these same times, Orthodox Christians are advised to refrain from marital relationships.
- And what about abstinence on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday?
- Yes, on the eve of Wednesday, Friday, Sunday or major holidays and until the evening of this day, you need to abstain. That is, from Sunday evening to Monday - please. After all, if we marry some couples on Sunday, it means that in the evening the newlyweds will be close.

Do the Orthodox enter into marital intimacy only for the purpose of having a child or for satisfaction?
- Orthodox Christians enter into marital intimacy for love. In order to take advantage of this relationship, again, to strengthen the unity between husband and wife. Because procreation is only one of the means in marriage, but not its ultimate goal. If in the Old Testament the main purpose of marriage was childbearing, then in the New Testament the priority of the family becomes the likeness of the Holy Trinity. It is no coincidence, according to St. John Chrysostom, the family is called a small church. Just as the Church, having Christ as the head, unites all its members into one Body, so the Christian family, which also has Christ as its head, should contribute to the unity between husband and wife. And if God does not give children to any couples, then this is not a reason to abandon marital relations. Although, if the spouses have reached a certain measure of spiritual maturity, then as an exercise in abstinence they can distance themselves from each other, but only by mutual consent and with the blessing of the confessor, that is, a priest who knows these people well. Because it is unreasonable to undertake such feats on your own, not knowing your own spiritual state.

I once read in an Orthodox book that one confessor came to his spiritual children and said: "The will of God is for you so that you have many children." Can the confessor say this, was it really the will of God?
- If the confessor has achieved absolute dispassion and sees the souls of other people, like Anthony the Great, Macarius the Great, Sergius of Radonezh, then I think the law is not written to such a person. And for an ordinary confessor there is a resolution of the Holy Synod prohibiting interference in private life. That is, priests can give advice, but they have no right to force people to do their will. This is strictly prohibited, firstly, St. Fathers, secondly, by a special resolution of the Holy Synod of December 28, 1998, which once again reminded the confessors of their position, rights and responsibilities. Consequently, the priest may recommend, but his advice will not be binding. Moreover, you cannot force people to take on such a heavy yoke.

Does this mean that the church does not call upon married couples to be obligatory with many children?
- The Church encourages married couples to be Godlike. And having many children or having few children - this already depends on God. Who can accommodate what - yes. Thank God if a family is able to raise many children, but for some people this can be an overwhelming cross. That is why, in the fundamentals of the social concept of the Russian Orthodox Church, they approach this issue very delicately. Speaking, on the one hand, about the ideal, i.e. so that the spouses completely rely on the will of God: as much as the Lord gives children, so much will be given. On the other hand, there is a reservation: those who have not reached such a spiritual level should, in a spirit of love and benevolence, consult with the confessor about the issues of their lives.

Are there boundaries of permissibility in intimate relationships among Orthodox Christians?
- These boundaries are dictated by common sense. Perversions are naturally condemned. Here, I think, this question comes close to the following: "Is it useful for a believer to study all kinds of sexual techniques, techniques and other knowledge (for example, the Kamasutra) in order to preserve the marriage?"
The fact is that the basis of conjugal intimacy should be love between husband and wife. If it is not there, then no technique will help in this. And if there is love, then no tricks are needed here. Therefore, for an Orthodox person to study all these techniques, I think it makes no sense. Because the spouses receive the greatest joy from mutual communication, provided that they love each other. And not on condition that there are some practices. In the end, any technique is boring, any pleasure not associated with personal communication becomes boring, and therefore requires more and more acute sensations. And this passion is endless. This means that you need to strive not to improve some techniques, but to improve your love.

In Judaism, intimacy with a wife can only be entered into a week after her critical days. Is there something similar in Orthodoxy? Is it allowed for a husband to "touch" his wife these days?
- In Orthodoxy, marital intimacy is not allowed on the critical days themselves.

So it is a sin?
- Sure. As for a simple touch, in the Old Testament - yes, a person who touched such a woman was considered unclean and had to undergo a purification procedure. There is nothing like this in the New Testament. A person who touches a woman these days is not unclean. Imagine what would happen if a person who traveled in public transport, on a bus packed with people, began to figure out which of the women to touch and which not. What is this, "if anyone is unclean, raise your hand! .." - or what?

Is it possible for a husband to have an intimate relationship with his wife if she is in position and there are no restrictions from a medical point of view?
- Orthodoxy does not welcome such a relationship for the simple reason that a woman, being in a position, must devote herself to caring for an unborn child. And in this case, you need some specific limited period, namely 9 months, to try to devote yourself to spiritual ascetic exercises. At least abstain in the intimate sphere. In order to devote this time to prayer, spiritual improvement. After all, the period of pregnancy is very important for the formation of the child's personality and his spiritual development. It is no accident that the ancient Romans, being pagans, forbade pregnant women to read books that were not useful from a moral point of view, and to attend entertainment. They understood perfectly well: a woman's mental arrangement is necessarily reflected in the condition of the child who is in her womb. And often, for example, we are surprised that a child born of a mother of not the most moral behavior (and left by her in the hospital), later falling into a normal foster family, nevertheless inherits the character traits of his biological mother, becoming over time the same lecherous, drunkard, etc. There seemed to be no visible influence. But we must not forget: he spent 9 months in the womb of just such a woman. And all this time he perceived the state of her personality, which left an imprint on the child. This means that a woman who is in a position, for the sake of the baby, his health, both bodily and spiritual, must in every possible way take care of herself from what may be acceptable at normal times.

I have a friend, he has a large family. It was very difficult for him as a man to abstain for nine months. After all, it is not useful for a pregnant woman, perhaps, even to caress her own husband, since this is still reflected in the fetus. What should a man do?
- Here I am talking about the ideal. And whoever has any weaknesses - there is a confessor. A pregnant wife is not a reason to have a mistress.

If possible, let's return again to the question of perversions. Where is the line that cannot be crossed by a believer? For example, I've read that spiritually speaking, oral sex is generally discouraged, right?
- He is condemned as well as sodom relations with his wife. Handicraft is also condemned. And what is within the boundaries of the natural is possible.

Now petting is in vogue among young people, that is, masturbation, as you said, is this a sin?
- Of course it's a sin.

And even between husband and wife?
- Well yes. Indeed, in this case we are talking about perversion.

Is it possible for a husband and wife to engage in petting while fasting?
- Is it possible to sniff sausage during fasting? The question is of the same order.

Is erotic massage harmful for the soul of an Orthodox?
- I think if I come to the sauna, and a dozen girls give me erotic massage, then my spiritual life in this case will be thrown very, very far.

And if from a medical point of view, the doctor prescribed?
- I can explain in any way. But what is permissible with a husband and wife is not permissible with strangers.

How often can spouses have intimacy so that this caring for the flesh does not turn into lust?
- I think that each married couple determines a reasonable measure for themselves, because here one cannot give any valuable instructions, guidelines. In the same way, we do not describe how much an Orthodox person can eat in grams, drink in liters per day of food and drink, so that caring for the flesh does not turn into gluttony.

I know a couple of believers. They have such circumstances that when they meet after a long separation, they can do this several times a day. Is this spiritually normal? How do you think?
- For them, maybe it's normal. I don't know these people. There is no strict norm. A person himself must understand what is in what place for him.

Is the issue of sexual incompatibility important to Christian marriage?
- I think the problem of psychological incompatibility is still important. Any other incompatibility is born precisely because of this. It is clear that a husband and wife can achieve some kind of unity only on condition of similarity between themselves. Initially, different people enter into marriage. It is not the husband who should become like the wife, and not the wife to the husband. And both husband and wife must try to become like Christ. Only in this case will incompatibility, both sexual and any other, be overcome. However, all these problems, questions of this kind arise in the secular, secularized consciousness, which does not even consider the spiritual side of life. That is, no attempts are made to solve family problems by following Christ, through working on oneself, and correcting one's life in the spirit of the Gospel. There is no such option in secular psychology. This is where all other attempts to solve this problem arise.

This means that the thesis of one Orthodox Christian woman: "Between husband and wife there should be freedom in sex" - is not true?
- Freedom and lawlessness are different things. Freedom implies a choice and, accordingly, a voluntary restriction for its preservation. For example, in order to continue to remain free, you must limit yourself to the Criminal Code, so as not to go to jail, although in theory I am free to break the law. It is also here: it is unreasonable to prioritize the enjoyment of the process. Sooner or later, a person will become tired of everything possible in this sense. And then what?..

Is it permissible to be naked in a room with icons?
- In this regard, there is a good anecdote among Catholic monks, when one comes out from the Pope sad, and the second - cheerful. One asks the other: "Why are you so sad?" - “Well, I went to the Pope and asked: can I smoke when you pray? He replied: no, you can't. " - "Why are you so funny?" - “And I asked: is it possible to pray when you smoke? He said: you can. "

I know people who live separately. They have icons in their apartment. When a husband and wife are left alone, they naturally become naked, and there are icons in the room. Is it not a sin to do this?
- There is nothing wrong with that. But you don't have to come to church in this form and you shouldn't hang icons, for example, in the toilet.

And if, when you wash, thoughts about God come, is it not scary?
- In the bath - please. You can pray anywhere.

And nothing that there is no clothes on the body?
- Nothing. But what about Mary of Egypt?

But still, perhaps it is necessary to create a special prayer corner, at least for ethical reasons, and fence off the icons?
- If there is an opportunity for this, yes. But we go to the bathhouse wearing a pectoral cross.

One grandmother told me about this that when you go to the bathhouse, don't take off the cross, but take a piece of paper and close it. Moreover, she said: "Never take off the cross, only if together with your head." This, of course, is folk art, well, but all the same? What do you say to that?
- This is really some kind of folk art. Of course, you shouldn't go to pray, read the rule naked. But here, again, if I am naked and I want to pray, then I can read the Jesus Prayer. And, of course, I will not perform the service in this form.

Is it possible to do "this" during the fast, if it is completely unbearable?
- Here again is a question of human strength. As far as a person has enough strength ... But "this" will be considered intemperance.

Recently I read from Elder Paisius the Holy Mountain that if one of the spouses is spiritually stronger, then the strong must yield to the weak. Yes?
- Sure. "So that Satan does not tempt you with your intemperance." Because if the wife fasts strictly, and the husband is unbearable to such an extent that he gets himself a mistress, the latter will be bitter than the first.

If a wife did this for the sake of her husband, should she come to repent that she did not fast?
- Naturally, since the wife also received her measure of pleasure. If for one it is condescension to weakness, then for another ... In this case, it is better to give as an example episodes from the life of hermits who, condescending to weakness, or out of love, or for other reasons, could break the fast. This is, of course, a food fast for monks. Then they repented of this, took on even more work. After all, it is one thing to show love and condescension to the weakness of one's neighbor, and it is another thing to allow some kind of indulgence for oneself, without which he could well manage according to his spiritual constitution.

Isn't it physically harmful for a man to abstain from intimate relationships for a long time?
- Anthony the Great once lived for over 100 years in absolute abstinence.

Doctors write that it is much more difficult for a woman to abstain than for a man. They even say it is bad for her health. And Elder Paisiy Svyatorets wrote that because of this, the ladies develop "nervousness" and so on.
- I will doubt this, because there are quite a large number of holy wives, nuns, ascetics, etc., who practiced abstinence, virginity and, nevertheless, were filled with love for their neighbors, and not at all with malice.

Isn't it harmful for a woman's physical health?
- They also lived for a fairly large number of years. Unfortunately, I am not ready to approach this issue with figures in hand, but there is no such dependence.

Communicating with psychologists and reading medical literature, I learned that if a woman and her husband have no good sexual relations, then she has a very high risk of gynecological diseases. This is an axiom for doctors, so it is wrong?
- I would question it. As for nervousness and other such things, the psychological dependence of a woman on a man is greater than that of a man on a woman. Because even in the Scripture it says: "Your attraction will be to your husband." It is more difficult for a woman to be alone than a man. But in Christ all this is overcome. Hegumen Nikon Vorobyov said very well about this that a woman has a more psychological dependence on a man than a physical one. For her, sexual relations are not so much important as the fact of having a close man with whom you can communicate. The lack of such is more difficult for the weaker sex. And if we do not talk about the Christian life, then this can lead to nervousness and other difficulties. Christ is able to help a person overcome any problems provided the person has a correct spiritual life.

Is it possible to have closeness to the bride and groom if they have already submitted an application to the registry office, but are not officially scheduled yet?
- As they submitted an application, they can take it away. Still, the marriage is considered concluded at the moment of registration.

And if, say, the wedding is in 3 days? I know a lot of people who fell for this bait. A common phenomenon is that a person relaxes: well, there is a wedding in 3 days ...
- Well, in three days Easter, let's celebrate. Or I bake a cake on Maundy Thursday, let me eat it, it's still Easter in three days! .. There will be Easter, it won't go anywhere ...

Is the closeness between husband and wife allowed after registration with the registry office or only after the wedding?
- A believer, provided that both believe, it is desirable to wait for the wedding. And in all other cases, registration is enough.

And if they signed at the registry office, but then had closeness before the wedding, is this a sin?
- The Church recognizes the state registration of marriage ...

But do they need to repent that they were close before the wedding?
- Generally, as far as I know, people concerned about this issue try not to do so that the painting is today, and the wedding - in a month.

And even after a week? I have a friend, he went to arrange a wedding in one of the Obninsk churches. And the father advised him to spread the painting and the wedding for a week, because a wedding is a booze, a party, and so on. And then this period was postponed.
- Well I do not know. Christians shouldn't have drunkenness at a wedding, and those for whom any reason is good will have drunkenness even after the wedding.

That is, it is impossible to carry the painting and wedding for a week?
- I wouldn't do that. Again, if the bride and groom are church people, well known to the priest, he may well marry them before painting. I will not marry without a certificate from the registry office of people unknown to me. But well known I can marry quite calmly. Because I trust them, and I know that because of this there will be no legal or canonical problems. For people who regularly visit the ward, this is usually not a problem.

Is sexual relations dirty or clean from a spiritual point of view?
- It all depends on the relationship itself. That is, the husband and wife can make them clean or dirty. It all depends on the internal arrangement of the spouses. By themselves, intimate relationships are neutral.

Like money is neutral, right?
- If money is a human invention, then this relationship was established by God. The Lord created such people, who did not create anything unclean or sinful. So, in the beginning, ideally, sexual relations are pure. And a person is able to defile them and often does it.

Is shyness in intimate relationships encouraged by Christians? (And then, for example, in Judaism, many look at their wife through the sheet, because they consider it shameful to see a naked body)?
- Christians welcome chastity, i.e. when all aspects of life are in place. Therefore, Christianity does not give any such legalistic restrictions, just as Islam forces a woman to cover her face, etc. This means that it is not possible to write down the code of intimate behavior of a Christian.

Do I need to abstain after Communion for three days?
- The Teaching News tells how one should prepare for Communion: refrain from the proximity of the day before and the day after. Therefore, there is no need to refrain for three days after Communion. Moreover, if we turn to the ancient practice, we will see: married couples received communion before the wedding, got married on the same day, and in the evening there was intimacy. So much for the day after. If you received the Holy Communion on Sunday morning, you dedicated the day to God. And at night you can be with your wife.

Anyone who wants to improve spiritually, should he strive to make bodily pleasures secondary (unimportant) for him. Or do you need to learn to enjoy life?
- Of course, bodily pleasures should be secondary to a person. He should not put them at the forefront of his life. There is a direct relationship: the more spiritual a person is, the less some bodily pleasures mean to him. And the less spiritual a person is, the more important they are for him. However, we cannot force a person who has just come to church to live on bread and water. But the devotees would hardly eat the cake. To each his own. As he grows spiritually.

I read in an Orthodox book that by giving birth to children, Christians thereby prepare citizens for the Kingdom of God. Can the Orthodox have such an understanding of life?
- God grant that our children become citizens of the Kingdom of God. However, it is not enough just to give birth to a child.

And what if, for example, a woman becomes pregnant, but she does not know about it yet and continues to enter into an intimate relationship. What should she do?
- Experience shows that while a woman does not know about her interesting situation, the fetus is not very susceptible to this. A woman, indeed, may not know for 2-3 weeks that she is pregnant. But during this period, the fetus is protected quite reliably. Moreover, if the expectant mother takes alcohol, etc. The Lord arranged everything wisely: while a woman does not know about it, God Himself takes care, but when a woman finds out ... She herself must take care of this (laughs).

Indeed, when a person takes everything into his own hands, problems begin ... I would like to end with a major chord. What can you wish, Father Dimitri, to our readers?
- Do not lose love, which is so little in our world.

Father, thank you very much for the conversation, which let me finish with the words of Archpriest Alexei Uminsky: “I am convinced that intimate relationships are a matter of the personal inner freedom of every family. Excessive asceticism is often the cause of marital quarrels and, ultimately, divorce. " The pastor emphasized that the basis of the family is love, which leads to salvation, and if there is none, then marriage is “just a household structure, where a woman is a reproductive force, and a man is the one who earns his bread”.

Question to the priest.
Relationship between spouses

Is oral sex between spouses allowed in marriage?
Fr. Andrew.
-This is an intimate question; the Holy Scriptures and the holy fathers do not say anything about it. Do not cheat on each other and do not be perverted, but decide for yourself how you will caress each other. Save the Lord!
http://hramnagorke.ru/question/page-20

Hieromonk Macarius (Markish) wrote an interesting article “In Defense of Marital Secrets”, which contains an excerpt from a letter from one woman: “My husband and I have been married for almost six years, we have two children. During our intimacy, he wants me to throw off my stiffness (in his words completely inappropriate), to behave not so tightly, and I fulfill his wishes. But before marriage, the older parishioners had already managed to enlighten me on this issue, what and how can be done in the matrimonial bedroom. As a result, it turns out that in fact nothing is possible from what takes place in our family. My husband is dear to me, but I live in a constant sense of sin, repeating the same thing from time to time in confession ... "

To this, Father Macarius replies: “In an intimate married life, the same basic Christian principle operates, to give oneself. Not "satisfy desire", "enjoy" or "sate the passion" - such attitudes only lead to the extinction of a full sexual life, both in men and women - namely, to give oneself, to subordinate one's intimate desires to a wife (husband), to direct one's the will is not for oneself, but for the joy and happiness of another. This is well known to doctors, specialists in the hygiene of marriage - and unconditionally fits into the Christian concept of marriage.
Now for some practical considerations:
Repent that “older parishioners, what and how can be done in the bedroom” have intervened in the secret of your married life - and learn (and teach others) to continue to put reliable protection in the way of someone else's harmful curiosity.
Change little by little, little by little, your relationship with your husband. At the same time, there is no need to indulge in any discussions (especially in the evening ...), but just make sure that he is good with you: think about it, take care of it - and not only in an intimate sense, but in all the rest - all the more so since the "intimate meaning" in a true marriage is inseparable from "everything else." And in the process of such a nurturing restructuring, guide your husband along the same path for yourself.
Take seriously your spiritual life, eradicate prejudice, superstition, ignorance. You need to find a priest with whom you will have complete understanding, so that the sacrament of confession will become for you a real source of enlightenment and a direction to perfection.
Your marital relationship, as it develops, should be a stairway to Heaven for both of you. Remember, a family is a small Church. "

Discussions in the comments to one of my works.
Two readers discuss the treatment of women in Islam. One writes that a woman in this religion is humiliated before a man, put on a secondary role. His opponent replies:

Peace to you! You are mistaken, just the same, according to the laws of Islam, a woman is not on the sidelines in relation to a man. But some men, mostly unsure of themselves, try to present it in such a way that the woman is supposedly on the sidelines. - That is, they crush the Laws of Islam for themselves. And what is said about the superiority of a man is only in the fact that he has the duty to support his wife, even if she has her own means (which, by the way, is not obliged to spend on her family). And if the husband does not support his wife, then the marriage is simply annulled. And the woman is to decide whether she wants to work or not. If he wants to work, if he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to. But the lazy men decided to crush everything under themselves, so as not to work, and so that the wife stayed at home, so they distorted the ayat, putting it in such a way that, allegedly, the Koran permits beating of the wife. In fact, it says that you need to temporarily live separately in order to decide: to live on or to divorce. (Contemplation)

I agree with you that a woman is not on the sidelines, but rather on the third and even fifth. In the first roles there is Allah, then the prophet, then the imam, then himself, then brothers in faith, then his sons, then his mother, then the camel, and then his wife. (Nikolay Kladov)

Do not argue with you :) In fact, who has how - depends on the degree of zombie religious authorities. If a person is not very religious, but lives according to conscience, according to heart, then his wife will be loved and protected. And you don't need to look into a book! (I)

If we argue, taking only the Koran as a model, then the position of a woman in it is even better than the biblical version - both man and woman are EQUAL before God. There is no concept of original sin in Islam, and Eve is not blamed for the fall of Adam. BOTH are said to have sinned, BOTH brought repentance and were forgiven. And there is no sin on newborn babies. (I)

Understood, Kirsten Fire. And I even agree. There is no need to argue in order to create irritation, discord. But to discuss, respecting the interlocutor is always possible and necessary. Today, religion is out of the question. She powders herself (like an old coquette) wants to look decent. (Nikolay Kladov)

Of course, it all depends on the degree of zombie. We are not worried about the moderates, we are worried about the fanatics. And in theory: Christianity is not the Old Testament. Then Christ was not yet. In Christianity, the relationship between husband and wife was not spelled out at all. Christianity is a relationship between a person and a person. Relationship between man and God. (Nikolay Kladov)

But in the Koran, these relations are spelled out. And so that "defenders of the faith" do not say there, we have read this book and know what is written there. And, even more, we know what was said - before it was written. And believe me, Kirsten Fire, these are two big differences .... And, if we don't discuss it, will we live in the 13th century? (Nikolay Kladov)

In Christianity, the relationship between husband and wife is prescribed - see the epistles of the Apostle Paul. There, a woman must obey, first of all, her husband, and through him, indirectly, to God. Due to the fact that Paul introduced the concept of original sin into religion, women in Christianity for a very long time were perceived as fallen creatures, seductresses, fiends of hell - moreover, not the last people in Christianity, but "church fathers". (I - quote and continue to argue my position).

Tertullian: “You are the gates of the devil, you are the openers of the forbidden tree, the first violators of the divine law. You seduced someone whom the devil himself did not dare to attack. You have destroyed the image of God - man. "

Clement of Alexandria: "It becomes a shame when thinking about the nature of a woman."

Gregory the Wonderworker: "One person in a thousand can be pure, a woman can never be." St. Bernard: "Woman is the organ of the devil."

St. John of Damascus: “A woman is a daughter of lies, a guardian of hell, an enemy of the world,” and so on and so forth.

In Islam, however, a woman is perceived as a sister in faith, EQUAL to a man in duties to God. In Judaism, the concept of a wife-sister is the same. But there women are more enslaved by age-old traditions (for example, a wife can wait all her life for a divorce letter from her husband who has stopped loving her and live alone). Islam gives women many rights that were not guaranteed either to pagans or Christians.

Remember how many unloved Christian wives were imprisoned by their husbands in monasteries. The fate of a widow in Christian Europe before the Age of Enlightenment is almost always a monastery. In India, a widow was obliged to ascend her husband's funeral pyre, otherwise she became an outcast. In this country, thousands of women widows are still burned by their relatives!

Let me remind you that the persecution of witches, the coercion of women into monasticism, misogyny, and, in general, the attitude towards carnal love as something dirty, unclean, obscene is very characteristic of Christianity (or, more precisely, the Pauline version of Christianity).

Paul is generally a unique character - the 13th apostle, who did not know Christ during his lifetime and was blinded and frightened by someone (who presented himself as Christ) on the way to Damascus ... , life-threatening and misogynistic element.

And what entered the Bible as the epistles of the Apostle Paul is full of contradictions. Either it says that a woman in the church can prophesy, then - that she should be silent and ask her husband at home what she does not understand. In the early church there were deaconesses, but in the later one the women resembled silent hens. These "gospel" commandments of the "church order" are still alive among the orthodox and Protestants of the old school, such as the Baptists. Only men preach there, and a woman's duty is to constantly give birth (as long as there is strength) and be silent, listening to men with reverence.

I personally DO NOT agree with the assessment of the humiliated position of women in Islam in comparison with Christianity, because I myself know and how a woman can assess how the so-called Evangelical Christians and Koranic Muslims live. And if acquaintances Muslim women have a higher education, drive a car, are engaged in their own business, sports, self-development, then the familiar Baptists live a very limited life.

They (contemporary Christians!) Are afraid of the "nasty world" like fire. Parents give them only secondary education - a secondary general education school and a music school (so that they can accompany them later at church meetings several times a week). Girls usually work at home or at the homes of others (cooks, governesses, maids), and then get married and their duty in marriage is to give birth and as much as possible. And who is more disadvantaged here? Qur'anic Muslim or Evangelical Christian? I think - the second.

Of course, I understand that in Islam a lot of evil comes precisely from the hadith traditions. And the current Koranic Muslim woman is a modern and business woman who relies on the Koran and does not allow any hadith and "theologians" to humiliate herself.

In Christianity, initially, a woman is directly or indirectly instilled with a sense of guilt for the fall of mankind. A passionate and impudent woman of the East (Muslim!) And a downtrodden, confident in her sinfulness and depravity medieval Catholic, Orthodox and modern Baptist evangelicals - these are two big differences.

I have experienced both of these states in turn and I know what I am talking about.

I noticed that some people who have not lived the life of a real church community "according to the Gospels" develop a kind of popular idea about the Bible, about Christianity. I want to state this:

The real attitude of Christianity to a woman is as follows - (we read carefully and delve into the essence of the MESSAGE!)

“He said to his wife, multiplying, I will multiply your sorrow in your pregnancy; you will be sick
give birth to children and your attraction to your husband, and he will rule
over you ”(Old Testament, Genesis 3:16).

As you noticed, this is about the dominance of the husband over the wife. What does the word "domination" mean?

The husband is the absolute master of the wife, like the master of a slave.

Let's turn to the commentaries of the Explanatory Bible, and this is how she comments
this text: “... And only in Christianity - the religion of redemption - to the wife again
her rights, lost in the Fall, were returned. I wonder what is this
right, right - to be a slave to the master?

Here are more sayings of the so-called church fathers, which are contained in Christian books, in the explanation of this verse:

“Don't you know that each of you is Eve? God's judgment on this kind of yours
lives in this century: wine is certainly alive too. You are the ones who broke the seal
forbidden tree. You are the first to disobey the divine law. You are
she (Eve) who bent him (Adam), whom he did not dare
attack the devil. You so easily destroyed the image of God - a man. ”(Saint
Tertullian).

“With regard to individual nature, women are inferior and completely stupid ...” (Thomas Aquinas).

“What difference does it make - whether a wife or a mother - it's still the seductress Eve,
which we must beware in every woman "(Saint Augustine)

“A woman is a daughter of lies, a hellish sentry, an enemy of the world, because of her, Adam lost Paradise” (St. John of Damascus).

“It doesn't matter if the women get tired or even die. Let them die
giving birth to children, for this they are needed! " (Martin Luther King).

These men, in turn, rely on the Bible:

The New Testament says: “Let the wife study in silence, with all obedience;
but I do not allow my wife to teach, nor to rule over her husband, but to be in
silence ”(New Testament, 1 Timothy 2: 11–12);

“Wives, obey your husbands as to the Lord” (New Testament, Eph. 5:22).

We see from these texts that a wife should, without objection, always and in everything
obey your husband, because that is how you obey the Lord.

"Now let at least one Christian show such a statement about the women of the imams of the Islamic community," Muslims reasonably say when Islam is accused of infringing on women's rights.

Let me remind you that all the misogynistic quotes that are attributed to Islam are the fruit of the traditions of the mullahs and ulema (the same Pharisees, only in Islam) and they are not based on the Koran. In the Christian tradition, both original sin and the servile position of a woman (as a dumb and always submissive hen) in front of her husband are positions legalized by the Bible.

Nikolay Kladov, I also want to draw your attention to one IMPORTANT moment. You write, "Christianity is not the Old Testament. Then Christ was not yet." I want to tell you about the amazing hypocrisy of Christians. When you show them all the horrors and atrocities of the Old Testament, they say "and we already live according to the New Testament!"

And at the same time, their DOGMA of faith includes the fact that CHRIST IS THE ETERNAL GOD - ETERNAL EXISTING, HE IS ONE AND EQUAL TO THE FATHER, and HE IS THE WORD OF GOD. THE OLD TESTAMENT GIVEN ALSO CHRIST, not yet incarnate in man, but already existing as the eternal God-Son, God-Word (this follows from the church dogma about the Trinity and the equality of Christ and the Heavenly Father (Yahweh) - they do not initiate ordinary laity into all these subtleties But this is the official teaching of the Christian church (all three main branches). You can easily check it. (Kirsten Fire)

I did not bring this conversation in order to promote Islamic values \u200b\u200bor anything like that. I believe that not only traditional Islam deserves fair criticism. All the ins and outs of Christianity, as a religion and the Bible, as the Holy Scriptures of this religion, must also be revealed before the eyes of all mankind. We must sensibly realize both the benefit and the harm that religions in general bring us. Everyone, without exception.