Husband's jokes are annoying. My husband always jokes with me and offends me
Question to the psychologist:
Hello, I'm really desperate. Relations are coming to naught, we have been living together for 6 years, married for 5 years, two children 3.7 years old and 7 months.
My husband eats me all the time, constantly sawing for everything: I don’t save light, water, gasoline, I don’t drive like that, I don’t answer like that, it feels like he’s looking for a reason to just take me out.
I myself am a kind, cheerful, sympathetic person, if you don’t touch me. As soon as the husband’s saw turns on, that’s it, I go wild, they hurt me, amaze me, offend his words. No, he doesn’t yell, doesn’t insult me, he just saws quietly, and he starts yelling already when I almost rush at him with foam at the mouth, then he goes berserk, he can hammer at the walls, yell like a patient. Then he calms down and everything is fine with him.
I am a squeezed-out rag, I immediately have less milk, eternal health problems ... It seems that he is all in a buzz.
For example, such a situation: I say "let's go to the store to see the chandeliers", he told me "let's go." We arrived, the baby is sleeping in the car, we do not turn off the engine, we go to look, we return, we go home, he is in no mood. I cheerfully ask what happened and it starts, “we don’t save, we burn so much gasoline, you don’t have any savings, turned on the light in that room and left, that’s it, this is an endless diarrhea of \u200b\u200bremembering all my not economical actions.
And I like to go shopping, take a look, just go somewhere, just not to sit at home, I have sat too long - 2 small children.
He doesn’t understand me at all and only saws endlessly, broke the whole psyche of me and the children, they see all these showdowns.
He is constantly nervous, we leave the apartment, I stand at the apartment with a stroller, for example, I fly in the clouds, waiting for him, and he comes out “what if you were standing a long time ago the elevator would have called” or “start the car, what are you standing” or “that the door doesn’t work for me you can open" (he is with a cradle from a stroller), "that you can hardly drag yourself", etc.
If I bought something wrong or something happened, he will unscrew any situation so that I am to blame. I already tell him this in the forehead, even if he is guilty, he will still turn out that I "croaked".
I stopped responding adequately to his attacks, I immediately begin to insult and end the conversation on this.
I can no longer live in the regime of some kind of imaginary economy, eternal discontent, muttering and an eternally nervous husband. I don't know what to do with it.
I thought maybe it was me, but without him I am a cheerful person, not aggressive and there is practically no malice. Nerves are calm, no one infuriates. I apologize for the vinaigrette, my head is a mess. I don't want to ruin my family, how can I be in this situation, how can I make a life together without mutual reproaches and scandals?
The psychologist Flying Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.
Inna, hello. It is important to know whether the husband has always been like this or has begun to behave this way, recently, having realized that you are financially dependent on him, and in this way he shows his importance, playing "an economical and ideal man." I can assume that the husband was originally like this, only when you were busy not only raising children, then it was easier to endure it and did not pay attention to such behavior. First of all, you must understand and accept for yourself that you do not live at the expense of your husband, but bring up children together, and this is valuable, at least no less if you worked. The husband is now taking advantage of the fact that you cannot start working, because he understands that you will not leave a 7-month-old child and cannot start working. Your financial requests are clearly not overstated... You don't require a nanny for children, trips to a restaurant, expensive concerts, sports sections, do you?
How to be?
1. In no case should you talk about divorce, since you don’t want it yourself, and most importantly, your husband will quickly get used to it and will not take you seriously .. Considering his character, he himself will begin to tell you that you can get divorced ... that will devalue you even more.
2. You can meet the recommendation to "live separately." In most cases, this recommendation, the beginning of the end of a relationship, or throughout life, there is a game of "comings and goings", which is already becoming familiar to the family ... and everyone understands that in the end, they will be together again. The recommendation to "live separately" can be used as an exceptional case, which is not relevant in your situation and will only harm ...
A person can change only when there is an awareness of the problem and, most importantly, a DESIRE to solve this problem. So far, the husband definitely has no desire to solve this problem ... Already at the level of "everyday vampirism", he has become in the habit of "grumbling", calmly conveying his point of view, where he is already waiting for "your explosion" in advance and then he will "splash out his negativity" ". blaming you for everything, where, in his opinion, he is a "good and caring husband", and you do not know how to control your emotions. After that, the husband calms down and is satisfied with life, and you are emotionally exhausted ... and you need time to recover ... until the next "reasonable nit-picking of the husband."
You personally need to realize that your real victory will be if you do not follow the scenario of your husband, from whom he enjoys, at least on an unconscious level. Therefore, your strength is in an ADEQUATE attitude to the situation, calmness, use, when the situation requires, elements of humor. If you change the pattern of behavior, then at least you will not suffer and ruin your life from "nitpicking and saving your husband", and there is also a high probability that the husband will change the pattern of behavior, seeing that you do not react painfully to him " teachings"
When he starts again, follow this pattern of behavior at the initial stage and look at your husband as a "comic character", realizing that you can not follow the previous scenario and already get moral satisfaction from this. It is necessary to compose several phrases that, if necessary, you can say to him and change them depending on the situation, or even remain silent. For example, you can answer him in your own words, but with the following meaning:
1. Probably I love you, for your attitude towards the family, I decided not to argue anymore, since you will always be right. 2. Yes, you are right, I want our children to grow up faster and I could go to work, so that there would be more money in the family and we would not count every penny. 3. Even now I am thinking about finding a job, but I will have to find a nanny who will have to pay a salary. 4. I want to start attending the sports section in order to be attractive, but since there is no money for this, it remains to be content with occasional shopping trips. 5. If such an absurdity as the light is not turned off, then you can calmly answer him that you are very grateful that you reminded us that we need to save electricity, we can really become richer if we manage to save on this.
It is necessary to speak based on the situation, calmly, confidently, but try to avoid sarcasm. At the beginning, he may be dissatisfied, let him scream ... as soon as he screams, he will stop, and at this moment you will realize that you are no longer following his lead and are really changing your behavior model.
Also, do not forget about compliments, if the husband really deserves it. Whatever the husband, but you are first of all a WOMAN and you need to look good, think how, given the nature of your husband, find mutual interests and enjoy it yourself! You have to be flexible in family relationships. If it's boring, then do ADEQUATELY, as written above, but if you see that everything is really good, then enjoy family life. After all, the goal is not to "build up your husband", but to improve family relations, where everyone will be fine: you, your husband, and your children!
I recommend that you read the BOOKS OF VIRGINIA SATIR, if you enter this into any of the search engines, you will find them, in my opinion these are one of the best books on family psychology. Also read the book by the author SHEYNOV V.P. "Hidden control of a person" (by entering the author and the title of the book, you will also find it), where you will also find useful information for yourself, learn how to correctly respond to manipulations, make compliments and much more. I understand that given your situation, you do not have the opportunity to turn to a psychologist, then you need to start to study yourself what will bring success to the whole family.
With all my heart, I wish you - Success and all the best!!!
5 Rating 5.00 (84 votes)
Good afternoon. Wow, I don't know where to start. I would begin to paint for a long time and in detail about my whole life, but I want to devote time to a separate topic. My husband, my beloved man very often, not at all out of malice, jokes about my appearance, my habits, my cooking, etc. He jokes, offending me at the same time. Can say without thinking. That I am like an elephant, will not praise once again that I cooked delicious food, or that I dressed beautifully. Most likely he will ask where I am so dressed up. We've been together for 5 years. And for 5 years I love him and got used to his jokes. Sometimes, I'm in the mood, and I can joke with him myself, but more and more often I'm more and more offended by his jokes about my appearance, my "I". I told him that I was offended that a woman should not say such things, for anyone it is unpleasant to hear. I am not perfect in terms of the parameters that we are promoting. An ordinary girl, height 170 cm, weight from 66 to 68 kg somewhere. The usual female figure is narrow shoulders, wide hips. There was a moment when I lost weight and dropped kg. She looked great, I thought, but the measures she used were terrible. Mono-diets, inducing vomiting, etc. It was all before him, a very long time ago, but I still remember it all. It is difficult for me to accept myself, I need approval from the outside. Support, love, which is expressed in words. But the husband is not the kind of person who knows how to express himself beautifully. I don't know if the problem is with him or me, but I need help.
I read different books, different authors, I have codependency, I don't know how to take. When I manage to cope with myself, I do not notice his jokes and he himself jokes less often, becomes softer. If I react aggressively, his life only washes away. I understand that I shouldn't be fooled, but can't he himself be taught not to offend me?
Romashka
Evgenia Sergeeva
Administrator , Moscow
Romashka, good afternoon. And how did your husband react to your requests not to joke like that?
Basically, he immediately began to say that he was joking. That I am the best, beautiful, etc. I am not touchy by nature, it immediately lets me go. After a while, the jokes reappear. This morning he said that I was domesticated. He said he just blurted out. This can be regarded in different ways, but knowing him, he could mean she got fat, stopped looking after herself. Although he is leaving now, I see him off, he comes late, I sleep. I don’t wear bathrobes at home, it’s either shorts or a short dress. We got married recently, maybe he has such associations with his wife. In any case, it’s unpleasant for me to hear all this, and I’m becoming terribly unsure of myself.
Romashka
Romashka, good evening! Let's work together on this situation!
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Romashka
Romashka, you write that
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1. I can offer a specific exercise from bodynamics (body-oriented therapy), which you can perform together with your husband / girlfriend / relative, and track your reactions, feelings, and come to understand that this mechanism of "give and take" is broken.
2. Your spouse's humor may be aimed at boosting his self-esteem, possibly at your expense. But only because you react THAT WAY to it!
3. To increase self-esteem, you need to understand why you don’t love yourself so much. And what will happen if your weight returns to the long-awaited norm?
4. Your resentment at your husband's jokes. Maybe it's anger at him that you do not dare to pour out directly?
1. I am ready to try the exercise and then write down my feelings.
2. I sometimes think so too, because he is not confident in himself and can only afford to behave this way with me
3. I can’t say for sure, it comes from childhood. I have worked on this topic with myself many times, but I still return to it. I think if I looked a little better, my self-esteem would go up.
4. I sometimes take it out on him and make terrible scandals. I say terrible words, all directly. Anger breaks out, he silently takes everything down, but does not believe that he is getting what he deserves.
Romashka
Romashka, the exercise itself should be done in pairs.
You are in comfortable, non-restricting clothing, laying something soft on the floor, and stand on one leg. You press the second one to yourself, this pose resembles a crane standing in the water.
And while balancing, stand on one leg for as long as your body and your patience allow. As soon as you understand that it has become "unbearable", ask your partner: "Help me! I'm falling."
The task of the other person is to try not to translate everything into laughter, but to watch you. And do not insure - you will fall, which means - this is your choice.
You track how you ask for and receive help. How does your body react to it. Where your thoughts hover, how focused you are on the situation.
The task of the partner: to observe how you behave, to track those moments when he would like to help you, but you did not ask or refused.
You can keep statistics: how many falls, how many requests, when you did it yourself, and when you were still picked up.
Completion time: at least 20 minutes. If the other person is also interested in experimenting, you can switch roles.
After completing the exercise, I recommend writing it down. Thoughts on paper are ordered, and "big things are seen at a distance."
Romashka, do you know how to come to love and understanding with your body, your weight?
Do you have an action plan?
Waaaaa!))))) I'll try with my sister! Thank you!
Action plan - I went to train as a cosmetologist to learn how to take care of myself, to develop my skills and a long-standing desire to work with the face and body. I watch my diet, I try.
And you know, Julia, I began to notice myself that I really miss my husband. He works hard and comes late. I would like this very love, warmth, hugs, but they are not. We communicate very warmly, I try not to make noise, not to beg for all this, but inside me there is such a compressed lump of resentment, tears, devastation, pain. I often gave him a foot massage, and he asks every evening. I am tired and so empty, so empty is my vessel of love, that I refuse him. If he at least hugged me tightly, pressed me to himself, gave me these strengths, I would be happy to massage his legs. I listen to Torsunov's lectures, he keeps saying that a woman should love everyone around, she is love itself, she builds relationships, a man adapts to them. I'm trying, really, but it's still hard. I am writing this to you and want to cry, even roar. I think that this is like a test, a crisis, my own inventions, but the farther, the more we move away from each other, and I already want to dig into myself, and he, seeing me, starts to hurt me. Since he also weaned, always nerves at work, lack of sleep, etc.
Romashka
If he even hugged me tightly, pressed me to himself, gave me these strengths,
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I would like this very love, warmth, hugs, but they are not.
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When there is no source of energy, we look for it in ourselves. And if it dries up inside us, then we turn to another, close and significant.
I really miss my husband.
Click to reveal...
I am tired and so empty, so empty is my vessel of love, that I refuse him.
Click to reveal...
I think that this is like a test, a crisis, my own inventions, but the farther, the more we move away from each other, and I already want to dig into myself, and he, seeing me, starts to hurt me. Since he also weaned, always nerves at work, lack of sleep, etc.
Click to reveal...
And where is he to take, if the husband is tired?
What do you think?
When there is no source of energy, we look for it in ourselves. And if it dries up inside us, then we turn to another, close and significant.
And where is he to take, if the husband is tired?
What do you think?
Good day! I ask for help from the community, because I myself have finally reached a dead end. So ...
I'm 29 years old, in a month I'm getting married with a beloved and loving man, but there is one "but" that thoroughly spoils our ideal relationship. It may sound strange, but it's ... jokes. He constantly jokes. , over others, just for no reason. For example, I’m going home, I ask him: do we have any juice left in the refrigerator? I ask why he said that he drank the juice, he answers that he was joking. And so constantly. I am at a loss. Not a single question can be asked without receiving such a dubious joke in response. "-" No, they detained me at work. "Well, ok, I plan the day in my own way, then my husband comes back and says" Aren't you ready yet? We're going to the cinema! "The answer to my question is the same" I was joking.
Why? Why? Because of these jokes, I am constantly in suspense, I ask a hundred times, I’m tired of the devil. , cry now?"
Advise how to explain to your husband that his jokes, firstly, are never funny, and secondly, they make you constantly be in suspense.
UPD. Even in companies, we behave completely differently. If we are visiting his friends, then they all the time (all the time, Karl!) laugh at something incomprehensible and tell bearded jokes to each other, and in the company of my friends we discuss politics, music, relationships, we consult about something, and he says that this is whining and always strives to insert some kind of pseudo-witty joke into my friend’s story about how, for example, she quarreled with her mother ...
Saved
Good day! I ask for help from the community, because I myself have finally come to a standstill. So ... I'm 29 years old, in a month I'm getting married with a beloved and loving man, but there is one "but" that thoroughly spoils our ideal relationship. This can sound strange, but this is... jokes. He constantly...
"/>Many girls, at least once in their lives, asked themselves the question “Is he in love with me?”, with this question you pestered a close friend or colleague. They went over in memory all the words that he had said during the day and in vain puzzled over the cherished question. There are several main signs that a guy is in love with you, and now we will look at them.
1. He always wants to be your partner.
If there is some kind of joint task, whether it is a paired test at school or college, or a joint task at work, he always wants to do it with you. You think that this is because you are an excellent student or in good standing with the boss, but not at all. He just wants to be closer!
2. Asks for a walk
This does not mean that every guy who asks you to go out is in love with you. No, but if he often offers to take a walk (to go together to the dining room, to the smoking room, to the library), referring to the fact that it is boring and there is nothing to do. And if this item coincides with other signs, then you can safely conclude that he is in love with you.
3. Constantly teasing you
In this case, men can be divided into two groups:
- those who will be silent and afraid to say an extra word when falling in love;
- those who will constantly tease and joke with you
Therefore, if a guy constantly jokes with you, this is one of the signs that he is in love with you. He is interested in your reaction to his sense of humor. And he slowly but surely studies what and how you react to.
4. He watches all the time
Have you ever noticed his gaze on you? But when caught, he averted his eyes. This is his game, a modest flirtation directed at you. Such a look can only mean one thing, this guy is in love with you and is very interested in your special. No one will just waste time seeing what they don't like - remember this!
5. As close as possible
If you are with him in the same room, then he always tries to take a place near you or not far. Or when you are at the same table, he sits next to you. If you ask him something, he tries to come close when explaining. His magnet pulls to feel closeness with you. And, as it becomes clear, this is no accident! The desire for maximum intimacy is another sign that the guy is in love with you.
6. Asks you for help
He constantly asks for your advice, even on issues in which you do not specialize. He may even ask for relationship advice, even though he is not dating anyone. This is a very significant sign, since it is very difficult for men to ask for help or advice. But if he nevertheless turns to you, then this is not just so.
7. He listens and remembers
If he accurately remembers the date of your birthday or the stories you tell. And also remembers some preferences in food or something else. Or maybe he can even tell what you said last week. You know this guy is really in love with you!
8. He makes you laugh
There is nothing more pleasant than the smile and happy laughter of a loved one. So, if the guy you are interested in makes you laugh all the time. If he tries to bring a smile to your face when you are sad, this is the surest sign that this guy is in love with you.
There is such a funny saying “If you stand and look at a girl for a long time, you can see how she gets married” (c). It may be that the guy you are interested in is very shy and timid.
Sometimes an innocent joke, sounded from the lips of a beloved man, causes a storm of emotions, indignation and resentment. . Have you ever come across a situation where, in a circle of friends, he teased you or, in your opinion, joked unsuccessfully? And, of course, in order not to make a scene in public, you kept silent, played along, while holding a grudge in your soul. And although by the end of the meeting you had already forgotten about what had happened, the thought was firmly rooted in your man’s head: “I joked well, she laughed, so next time you can joke the same way!”.
If you are familiar with this situation, then most likely you are also familiar with the fact that such jokes are transferred over time and into ordinary life. Perhaps at first you like his humor, but after that it becomes intrusive and inappropriate. Furthermore, sometimes jokes become much more offensive, hurt the sick and even suggest bad thoughts
. It often happens that a woman is silent about what is not very 
loyal male humor offends her. The reason for this is paradoxical - she herself is afraid to offend, afraid to provoke a quarrel, afraid, in the end, to lose a man. And behind this list of fears, there is an unwillingness to pronounce insult.
There may be another reason behind this behavior. Perhaps your husband saw his friend joke like this with his wife, or maybe someone told him about a similar manner of communication, presenting everything in a good light. However, a man may not take into account an important point: what is acceptable in one family may be completely unacceptable in another. In the desire to be no worse than Vasya and Petya, or maybe even in an effort to surpass them, your husband may start joking in their style, sometimes going too far.
Third the reason lies simply in your husband's specific sense of humor . Often, military men or those who have recently served unpleasantly amaze with barracks humor - rude, and in some places even cruel. This does not mean that your husband does not love you. It's just the way he is. After all, there are no ideal people - his special sense of humor is his disadvantage. Just accept, and don't take jokes to heart.
If all the same jokes offended and unfounded?
And what's next? You kept silent one, two, three ... Then, finally, you got tired of it. And so, having plucked up courage, you tell your boyfriend/husband that it is unpleasant for you and ask you not to joke like that anymore. Further events develop in three scenarios:
- He stops. A utopian option that works rather where male love is stronger than female love, or where very trusting and respectful relationships are built.
- He stops for a while . First and the man refrains from jokes, and then, as if forgetting, again returns to the old habit. This suggests that he would like not to offend, but his unpleasant humor flows by itself.
- He doesn't stop. In this case, your husband may continue in the same spirit, or even aggravate the situation with more daring and offensive jokes about you.
If the first option suits everyone, then the rest are clearly not what you expect from your husband.
A husband can joke about anything: regarding your weight and appearance, organization of life, work and salary (if it is lower, of course), issues of raising children and communicating with parents, etc. And many women are interested in the question, is it possible somehow 
interpret these jokes other than the direct meaning? For example, if he joked about your weight, then he is unhappy with you, you are unattractive, and in general - sign up for a gym? Fortunately, male psychology in this regard is much more straightforward than female. Men do not think, let alone express their thoughts with allusions, metaphors, etc. If your husband does not like your appearance, he will tell you about it directly, and then rush to the gym, beauty salon, etc. But if he joked about the weight - most likely, he is just teasing you with only good intentions. The same situation applies to other aspects that fall under the humor of your chosen one.
It also happens that humor becomes cruel and completely tactless . This only says that the husband is sure that you will accept, “swallow” the insult, you will not get anywhere. Humiliation through humor is a bad sign. If this happens in your family, you need to urgently change something: either save your marriage by going to a psychologist, or get divorced. After all, humiliation and self-affirmation through the jokes of your wife will lead to a decrease in your self-esteem, suppression of your personality. If you see that everything is so serious, do not delay the decision.
Exit #1
Of course, you should not chop off your shoulder. First of all, I need to talk to my husband . Let it be one, two, five, ten conversations, but you must voice your thoughts and feelings. Let your husband know that you are offended by his jokes. Here, to some extent, you can justify a man - he's not a telepath, he doesn't read minds, and sometimes he doesn't even realize that he did something wrong and said something offensive.
You need to speak calmly, without tantrums, scenes and scandals . A man simply will not hear what you want to convey to him if the words go through screams and tears. At this moment, the husband seeks to stop what is happening in any way, including by simply ignoring, avoiding the problem (in the literal and figurative sense of the word). Adopt a calm tone and moderately serious mood. Putting pressure on a husband with a lump of seriousness is also not an option, because under pressure, any person refuses to accept information. Talk to him like a friend, and then you will be heard.
Exit #2
If talking does not help or gives a temporary effect, you need to use actions . Only in this case you need to be extremely careful. If male self-esteem and healthy selfishness are hurt, this will seriously affect your relationship. Just joking with friends about him and with him is not an attempt to show what it is like for you in a similar situation, this is a direct blow to his self-esteem. There is no need for confrontation.
The best way out is to mirror, but carefully
. For example, if a husband jokes about your culinary 
abilities, joke about how he looks when he shaves (and men are really funny at this moment) or how he is in a hurry looking for his socks. Improvise, but in moderation.
Exit #3
Joke in the same style as your husband . Just keep in mind that a man can take it both with humor and with resentment. In the first case, you will “warm up” him, and in the second, you will let him know how you feel. Then everything depends on you - if you are ready to play such “football” with jokes, continue in the same spirit with your husband laughing. If not, this option is not for you, try to find another approach.
Exit #4
Reassess the situation. Think about whether his jokes are really as offensive as you think? Perhaps you should look at the situation through his eyes. A loving husband who helps in everything, provides for the family, and in general treats you like a beloved woman, is unlikely to joke with any evil intentions. Sometimes it is enough to change the attitude to what is happening. That doesn't mean you have to laugh your ass off at his jokes. To begin with, try not to take them personally, take it easy. Think about whether your husband really wanted to offend you? Maybe there is no underlying reason in his jokes, and he expects only a positive reaction from you? Try it, most likely, this option will suit you.
Exit #5
Ignoring. What is your husband's reaction? Either laughter or resentment (this is if he really pursues such a goal). There is a principle that works on children: if you do not support actions with a reaction, they become meaningless. Do not react in any way - neither good nor bad. Your husband will simply not be interested in making such jokes about you. Most importantly, encourage him for other good deeds: praise, compliment, just express love and pride.
Many men compensate one habit for another.. Someone begins to snap, someone, on the contrary, may inflame with new feelings and begin to make compliments. Someone needs to find another way out of humor - in surprises, in time with friends (where you can humor without fear). The main thing, try not to make your husband afraid of telling you anything . He doesn't have to choose his words carefully before speaking to you. If this happens, the feelings in the couple quickly fade. Your task is either to explain and persuade, or to restore peace and harmony in the family by actions (unless, of course, you need it, and jokes are not a reason to find a flaw in your husband and not a reason for divorce).