How to be a good grandmother. Successful League Supergrandmother has her own personal space and her own interests
To succeed in your new role, you need to bury the hatchet, resolve problems in your relationship with your children, and get rid of negative feelings that have likely been building up for years.
Think about all the claims, prejudices, attacks of jealousy. It's never too late to try to resolve past conflicts - from fundamental disagreements to simple misunderstandings. Your goal is lasting peace. This is the only way you can become a part of your grandson’s life, and when he grows up, set an example of healthy relationships between loved ones.
“My daughter-in-law always had a lot of rules for me,” recalls 53-year-old Maria. “I was outraged by her attitude.” Then my grandson appeared. When I held him in my arms for the first time, I realized that I had to make a choice. Now I smile at my daughter-in-law whether I agree with her or not, because I don't want her to have a reason to keep me away from my grandson. He was about three years old when we were rising from the basement and he suddenly took my hand. “I’m holding your hand not because I need it,” he said proudly, “but because I love you.” Moments like these are worth biting your tongue.”
2. Respect your children's rules
The arrival of a baby changes everything radically. It can be difficult to accept that you now have to play by your children's (and your daughter-in-law's) rules, but your new position dictates that you follow their lead. Even when your grandson is visiting you, you should not behave differently. Your children and their partners have their own opinions, points of view, systems and parenting styles. Let them set their own boundaries of what is allowed for the child.
Parenting in the 21st century is different than it was a generation ago. Modern parents get information from the Internet, social networks and forums. Your advice may seem old-fashioned, and perhaps it is. Wise grandparents act with caution and deliberately demonstrate respect for new, unfamiliar ideas.
Let new parents know that you understand how scared and tired they are right now, and that any worried new parent feels the same way. Be friendly and let your presence help them relax a little. This will affect the child, who will also become calmer. Remember that your grandson always benefits from such behavior.
3. Don't let your ego get in your way.
We feel slighted if our words don't carry as much weight as they once did, but expectations need to be adjusted. When (and if) you give advice, don't insist. Better yet, wait to be asked.
Research shows that when grandparents hold their grandchild for the first time, they become flooded with the “love hormone” oxytocin. Similar processes occur in the body of a young mother who is breastfeeding. This suggests that your connection with your grandchild is very important. It’s also important to understand that you are now the chief operating officer, not the executive. You'll have to accept it, because your grandchildren need you.
Representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of their grandson
A study conducted by the University of Oxford found that children who have grandparents involved in their upbringing tend to be happier. In addition, they more easily cope with the consequences of such difficult events as parental separation and illness. Also, representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of their grandson.
Lisa was the first daughter of two successful and therefore terribly busy lawyers. The older brothers teased and humiliated the girl so much that she gave up trying to learn anything. “My grandmother saved me,” the girl admitted a week before receiving her doctorate. “She sat with me on the floor for hours and played games that I never tried to learn. I thought I was too stupid for this, but she was patient, encouraging, and I stopped being afraid of learning something new. I started to believe in myself because my grandmother kept telling me that I can achieve anything if I try.”
Adapting to the unusual role of a grandparent is not easy, sometimes unpleasant, but it is always worth the effort!
“WHAT IS HE WEARING?”
Whether it's an Iron Maiden T-shirt, a Gucci suit, or an Adidas tracksuit, it's none of your business how your grandson dresses. Criticism is appropriate only when he is still very small and he is clearly uncomfortable from the heat or cold.
“WHAT DO YOU FEED HIM?”
At least Pringles chips. This is not your child. Let the parents deal with the consequences themselves. After all, weren’t you the one who believed in mashed banana cookies for your three-month-old daughter in the late 70s? Same thing.
"HE NEEDS STRICT DISCIPLINE"
Discipline is a very subtle matter. There is no need to be afraid that your grandson will grow up to be a sissy if the parents communicate with him kindly and he understands everything.
“I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MYSELF”
Comparisons are pointless. Your grandson is not you. And if you don't want to eat crayons, move away and let him have more.
“ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SAFE?”
Actually yes. Most parents take care of their children. And if their child climbs the horizontal bars like a monkey, they probably thought about what to allow. How to become a good grandmother in our time.
"IN MY TIME"
Yes, this can be the start of a fascinating memory, but it sounds like a hidden criticism. And then, times have changed. You didn't have iPads, and you wouldn't send a child playing with a wooden sword in a cornfield.
"I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE, BUT"
You've already intervened. And without permission. Be careful in your criticism, think twice - is it necessary?
“OF COURSE I AM NOT THE GOOD GRANDMOTHER”
Uh, uh! Stop. There is no need to extort recognition of your exclusivity. And stop being jealous of another grandmother. Don't drive wedges into relationships. If there are two of you grandmothers, then you have to live with it.
“I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS”
And what? The more you complain, the more it will seem like harassment. Surprise! Your children and grandchildren have their own lives: work, study, friends. Don't pull the blanket of attention exclusively onto yourself. No one has ever loved anyone under duress.
"I LIVE EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOU"
There is no need to live exclusively for someone, this is a veiled accusation. Try to live for yourself. And communicate with younger people only when it is truly a joy for both you and them.
No matter how much you would like to always remain young, age makes itself felt. Children grow up, they have babies, and now you are already a grandmother. How to be a good grandmother? First of all, you need to come to terms with this role. And then try to become not just a family member for your grandchildren, but their best friend.
And then they will come to you for advice, they will tell you about their problems. Just don’t try to replace their mother, after all, these are not your sons and daughters.
Combine love not only for grandchildren, but also for children
Often grandmothers turn all their attention to their grandchildren, and forget about their sons and daughters. Don’t repeat this mistake, try not to deprive anyone of your love and affection, because adults also need them. But don’t try to live only for your grandchildren and children, don't forget about yourself either, you are also a full-fledged person.
Conflicts are given to us to learn
A person comes to this gradually, with age. So you, having become a grandmother, probably already understood, that conflicts can also be beneficial, the main thing is not only to quickly eliminate them, but also to learn so as not to encounter such problems again. In addition, you have the opportunity to get to know your relatives better.
Grow above yourself
Just because you've already lived most of your life doesn't mean you need to stop improving. There are examples where people studied at universities at an advanced age and successfully graduated. So you should increase your experience, your knowledge, not only those related to various sciences, but also everyday ones. Only a woman who is wise in everyday life can call herself a truly good grandmother.
Share your experience
You have accumulated a considerable amount of knowledge, and now it’s time to start gradually pass on your knowledge to your children and grandchildren. Do it with joy, because your knowledge is your wealth. Is it bad to share your wealth with the people you love?
Let's go back to parenting
As already stated, There is no way to replace a mother for grandchildren, because it is she who must raise them and make good people out of them. But you can help her with this, use her as an example when kids act out. Another mistake many grandmothers make: they love their grandchildren so much that they sometimes allow them even what their parents forbid.. Here Under no circumstances should this be done. You will become an authority for your grandchildren - this is great, but at too high a price. In this case, the parents of your grandchildren, on the contrary, will lose their authority.
The birth of a new person is a great opportunity to improve relationships between all family members. This is the time to change old behavior patterns. Time to form new relationships. Therefore, each member of the household needs to adapt to the changed conditions, and, of course, find their place in them.
The main thing at this stage is not to let everything take its course. We need to take a very focused approach to the important process of change. The main rule: constantly discuss family relationships. So, next we will give some useful tips future grandmother who dreams of becoming an ideal granny for her grandson or granddaughter...
No - “commanding the parade”!
The grandmother must remember that family council is a peace council, not a war council. Yes, of course, the older generation is very experienced, but still does not have general powers. Grandmothers must understand that children and grandchildren are not subordinates or soldiers. They have their own idea and opinion about what a family should be like with the arrival of a child. Granny shouldn’t “push” her relationship model. Trusting relationships must be based on mutual respect. A grandmother should not dismiss the position of young parents. But still, without pressure, gently, defend your “experienced” one. The best option is the one that takes into account all the interests of all household members. It's about compromise!
It is worth remembering that people are drawn to positive and interesting people. A grandmother must understand that her children and grandchildren will listen to her opinion and happily spend time with her if she becomes a role model for them, as well as a source of constant optimism. Advice to grandma: you need to live a full life, be interested in all the events happening in the world, get carried away, create! Otherwise, grandma risks turning into a household servant. Even if your own grandmother was remembered for knitting, pies, washing, jam, fairy tales, cleaning, these days this is not always enough. Household chores are a good and necessary thing. But still, this is not the main thing. Children today are not the same as they used to be. They are more active, energetic, playful. Therefore, grandma should be interested in everything and be able to do everything - play on the computer, write SMS to her grandson, and go to the 3-D cinema...
In other words, modern granny- This is a person with whom everyone is always interested. It should be full of ideas. And in her communication with her granddaughters and grandchildren, creativity should play an important role. Only in this case their relationship becomes special. Otherwise, for the baby, everything will come down to bribery, that is: hearty dinners, gifts and waiting for mommy and daddy to get home from work. But the ideal grandmother is real. The main thing is to just want it!
Our expert - psychologist Yulia Erofeeva.
Among modern grandmothers there is a special “population” - these are women who became mothers in the late 80s, early 90s, and now many of them have grandchildren. They raised their own children, without having the social guarantees they once were accustomed to, and made careers, hard-fought for their place in the sun. At 45-50, they look their best - they go to the gym, spa salons, and dress fashionably. Strong, successful, they with all their hearts want everything to be fine for their adult children, and even more so for their little, beloved grandchildren. But why is this not always possible?
Is it always a holiday?
For a business grandmother, communicating with her grandson or granddaughter is a holiday for the soul. Just like for a child: grandma doesn’t force you to eat porridge or sit on the potty, she appears with a new toy, a fireworks display of affection, drags you to the zoo, doesn’t punish, but allows everything.
But mom and dad often look at grandma with different eyes. The baby fell and hurt his knee, and the grandmother immediately rushed to calm him down, gave him candy, and dad thinks that the child should learn to cope with troubles on his own, mom categorically forbids sweets. Or the child turned on the computer despite the parents’ taboo, but the grandmother defends his curiosity, and so on. Disagreement in education is a typical cause of conflict. Each side is convinced that it is right. The worst thing is that the child finds himself between two fires. How to overcome differences?
There is a simple but very effective way - one day, gather your courage, sit down together at the “negotiating table” and develop a “set of rules”, which will clearly stipulate what is possible and what is not. And even “fine” violators.
By the way, if you approach the matter with a certain amount of humor, then both sides will quickly find a common language, and everyone will even like to act “according to the rules.”
If the clouds gather
Quarrels between a grandmother and young parents can also happen because of too much love for them and her desire to help. For example, she let them go for the weekend, staying in their house and decided to put things in order. And upon returning there was a scandal: “This is our home, we live the way we want, and you even shook up all the personal belongings in the closet!” Well, how can I explain to them that this was done not out of curiosity, but out of goodness? Once something is wrong, another, third - the clouds thicken. In such a situation, one of the most effective methods of overcoming the difficulties that have arisen is still the same - discussing the problems by gathering all family members.
But how can you really do this? Schedule a general meeting on a certain day of the week at a certain time. Today the arbiter is the grandmother, next time - the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, then the grandfather, etc. Everyone in turn expresses what exactly does not suit him and what he can do to fix it. At the same time, no one has the right to interrupt, argue, or condemn him.
And in order to be heard, you cannot say “if” (I can do this if you don’t clean up our apartment) and “but” (I agree to this, but on condition...), but use the “I-statements” technique ”, allowing you to realize your feelings and name them to your partner or others. This constructively changes not only your own attitude towards the situation, but also the attitude of the interlocutor towards it.
On the warpath
Another reason why quite complex problems often arise is the relationship between the spouses’ parents. Most often - between mother-in-law and mother-in-law. Men, as a rule, know how to maintain a neutral position.
The authoritarian grandmother often becomes the initiator of the conflict. A sort of “general in a skirt” is an official, a teacher, a businesswoman in her own professional life, or the wife of a “general” who is accustomed to using cunning moves to build the rules of the game in her own family. Moreover, the reason for the showdown can be anything, from “your daughter doesn’t know how to clean or cook” or “your son doesn’t think that he is the head of the family and should provide for her” to small private moments. The point is not in the reasons, but in how to “resolve” a tense situation.
The root of such conflicts is the grandmother’s internal dissatisfaction,” explains Yulia Erofeeva. - The reason could be serious troubles at work or a tense relationship with her own husband, etc. So she perceives the world around her deliberately aggressively.
What can help? The ideal option is to attract an outside authority, a person with whom you can confidentially discuss what is happening and think about solving problems. It is to him that his loved ones should tell him about the situation and ask him to talk with his grandmother. This could be a pediatrician, or a mutual family friend, or, if the woman goes to church, a priest. It is advisable that this be a man, because what is needed here is not so much emotions as a sincere, but rationally structured conversation. The ideal option is the help of a psychologist, but the woman must come to this herself, realizing the need for such intervention.
And sometimes everything can be solved easier. Invite grandmothers for tea and give each one flowers or an inexpensive, funny souvenir... A step forward on the part of the young reconciles and creates mutual understanding, because a woman, above all, needs sensitivity and love.
And again about money
A business grandmother is often the main breadwinner in a family; she provides financial support to the young, especially if the children are students. And this is a big mistake. Gift money stifles their independence, develops infantilism and irresponsibility. Financial support must be reasonable and targeted. It’s great if you can help with purchasing or renting an apartment, you can buy your grandson food and clothing, diapers, or pay for medical services, but young people must earn their own money for their own needs.
There is no limit to perfection
There are no ideal people and, of course, neither do grandmothers. But the role of a grandmother presupposes life experience and worldly wisdom, so it is you who must think about how to prevent possible conflicts by changing your own attitude to what is happening and improving yourself.
There are several rules to follow:
Do not interfere in the lives of young parents, giving them the right to make mistakes on their own;
-give them advice only when you are asked for it;
- do not hesitate to apologize if you got excited or were wrong;
- learn to calmly but firmly refuse young parents if you think that they expect and ask too much from you;
- you need to keep your own fears for your children and grandchildren to yourself;
- even when “passions are running high”, learn to speak calmly so as not to give a reason to delve into the verbal jungle;
- praise young people more often, noting even their most modest results;
- do not tell your relatives and friends how “unlucky” you are with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law - this will not change anything, it will only drive the negative attitude deeper into your soul, which will be much more difficult to overcome;
- get rid of the thought that you “have done so much for them, but there is no gratitude.” Patience - and you will certainly wait for it!