Why the child is not the first to make contact. What to do if the child does not make contact

04.05.2019

Friendship can be dispensed with as philosophy or art. It is not necessary for survival, but it is one of those things for which it is worth surviving.

S. Lewis

If you ask how to teach a child to communicate and be friends, many parents will be surprised and answer: “Nothing. The main thing is not to interfere. " A huge number of parents do not think about such things. They have so much to do. And the children themselves can easily provide a circle of friends, learn to share cars in the sandbox, fight and make peace, get acquainted and forget each other.

Interestingly, adults are not always of the opinion that a child needs friends. The reasons are different: “I myself was uncommunicative, and my child is the same. This is such a character. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. " Or: "Everything will come by itself, you have to wait." “He himself has to solve his communication problems. Children don't like it when adults interfere. All this is artificial socialization. " "In childhood, this is still not friendship."

But there are also parents with the opposite point of view. Sometimes my own life experience, the experience of raising older children, pushes me to this. Sometimes - obvious features of the development of the child himself. It also happens that the child really has little space and time for communication, and the parents are well aware of this.

I think that now teaching a child to communicate and make friends is the same task for parents as everything else. Moreover: it certainly doesn't bother anyone anymore. Kindergarten teachers need an obedient child. To educators - smart. To doctors - healthy. He needs communication himself, but he may not know it yet. At the age of three, my son dragged me away from the playground with the words "Mom, let's go where there are no children."

Everything written is our personal experience, which cost us dearly. These are resolved and unresolved issues. This is a summary of the advice and opinions heard and read. At the moment, the situation has been improved. Now my son is dragging me to where the children are. I can’t drive out the neighbor’s child, classmates call my son, an acquaintance is found on the hill with whom he went to the circle, at the dacha he found a friend on his own. And the sequel, I really hope, still follows.

What can parents do, especially if over and over again it turns out that the child is not able to get to know anyone, communicate and play normally, make friends?

When he is a toddler, observe how outgoing the child is. Often, children under three years old hardly ever go to the children's company. But even on the playground, try to let him go on his own and see if he will go to the children or will he prefer to play on his own? Will he be able to ask for the toy you like or give it? You don't even need to be able to speak for this. Will the child sit on the swing with the children? Will he run around the slide after someone? Will he willingly say hello or will he hide behind mom? It should be alarming if a child is openly afraid of other children (and adults), ignores them, or is too aggressive.

If the child's communication does not work out catastrophically, you should not panic, although you will want to hide within your own apartment in the expectation that everything will be resolved by itself. This is the easiest way. However, in the case of a closed child, the parents will have to adapt and knock on the closed door. Don't expect things to change quickly. But tune in to a positive outcome.

The child cannot be compared to yourself. Life has changed a lot.
Young children do not have much understanding of their own problems or achievements. They get information about themselves from their parents. If you tell the kid that Vasya is his friend, it is quite possible that in time Vasya will become him, let you run ahead a little.
It is worth being friends with children. Perhaps your interests do not include discussing diaper models or childhood illnesses at all, but this cannot be avoided. Don't wait for the kids to go to the gardens. Start their communication earlier.
With the age of the child, you need to learn to get acquainted. We did it well with toys on hand. Moreover, English is better than Russian. You need to be able to introduce yourself. Greet. Saying goodbye. Sometimes it can look a little formal, but it is not superfluous at all.
The child is growing up. Don't expect him to get acquainted himself. If he doesn't, come up, introduce the kid to someone, ask who's name. Many children willingly make contact and come up on their own. These are your especially valuable allies, pay attention to them. Play three together. Five of us. Why sit on a bench, if you can take part in auto races, cook together a lunch of sand.
If the child outwardly stands out in some way from his peers, it is worth thinking about what can be done. Appearance, bookish or, on the contrary, unimportant speech, awkwardness - all this makes the child special.
It is not at all necessary to immediately communicate with peers. It is much easier for uncommunicative children to find a common language with younger or older children. They may not be ready for a full-fledged relationship with their age for a long time.
Fairy tales and books - everything will serve you well. Our favorites were fairy tales that I composed myself. Friends helped my favorite typewriter in the fairy tale. The crane, the tallest and largest, did not want to be friends, but was bored alone. The thermostat in the aquarium wanted to talk to the fish. Everyone has a little imagination.
Maybe someone has no one to leave the child with? You are also interested in the company. On family sites, you can meet those who live nearby if other options are not enough.
If you have invited young children home, take time for them all too. Do not leave children on their own right away. There are tons of games for the company of children and adults. Even bingo, dominoes, hide and seek is better than chaotic running. Parents of the invited child are usually happy when their baby, who is pretty exhausting them at home, is given time.
Find something special for a child you don't know, be it a vintage filmoscope, a disassembled computer, whatever. Your collection of souvenirs. You can ask in advance what interests the little guest. Your child may not be able to guess at offering an interesting game. And the guest will want to come again.
You can draw the guests' attention to your child, talk about his hobbies ... After all, they do not know that your son is a specialist in electronic toys or hamsters. Usually we tell adults about the success of children, but here it will not be a sin to help your child show himself.
Dose communication. Non-contact children are quickly exhausted and tired. You should not immediately strive to play for hours. Intense communication for your child is a big load, he may suddenly become capricious.
If you entrust the child to someone, and you have a choice, let them be sociable and friendly people who are not just not annoyed by children's screaming and fussing. If your grandmother is willing to chat with a neighbor, the grandchildren are more likely to play together, even if only for a short time. If the nanny has a child, that's a plus.
Remind your child of his companions. Young children usually get to know each other and forget equally quickly. But yours rarely meets, and forgets at the same speed.
It would be nice to remember the names of the children in general, to remind the child of who's name. Wherever you are, you need to make the faceless kids' party recognizable to the child. When you pick up your child from class, ask the boy they went out with, what is his name, ask him about his success, how he likes in class.
Children's photos are a good help for this in school and kindergarten. Ask the child to tell about the children from the photo.
If the child does not go to the kindergarten, you need to look for such activities where they pay attention specifically to interaction, communication, joint games. Unfortunately, in most developmental children's centers, the main thing is education. And if a child does not know how to play with others, then he will not learn there either.
If the teacher who leads the classes is open, sociable, friendly and persistent, this is what you need. Praise and patience come first. Criticism at this age can wait.
When looking for a school, give preference to one with preparatory classes. You do not need the classes themselves, but the acquaintance with his future classmates and teachers. If someone goes to the same class with a child from a kindergarten, that’s also good.
At school, if a child has a good relationship with a neighbor on a desk, ask them not to seat them, because children are often swapped for different reasons.
Strengthen your success, get to know your parents, invite your children to visit. At school, children often have no time to even talk. Your child may be embarrassed to invite you, help him.
If you go to the cinema, theater, oceanarium, museum, invite other children, classmates. Not everyone likes to play the role of a mother with many children, but it is good for the children. Let them have more topics to discuss.
Trips to the south, to a small village, where the old-fashioned children walk on their own, where war games, space travel, knives and lids, and the construction of huts have survived, turned out to be valuable for us.
After all, if your child needs a friend, you are also the right person. Communication with peers will not replace this, but it will not be superfluous.

And, finally, you need to stop in time to provide this assistance ...

Discussion

Good day! My child is 7 years old and from an early age, somewhere from 2, we noticed that the child does not reach for children, he does not seem to see them, does not need, the problem is that this continues to this day, that we only my husband and I did not try to introduce it into the children's environment, they joined the game themselves, squeezing the child into the company of children, but alas, and oh. At the same time, the child is not autistic, very mobile, but his age seems to be lagging behind, as if he is immature, the judgments and actions of his too young child, although he goes to grade 1 and the program pulls at five (intellect is not affected). The husband spat, although he used to drive him out into the street, now he does not bother his son so that the child goes out into the street. What to do? How to be? Maybe someone had this? Will it pass or not? Thank you in advance!

05/10/2018 21:03:48, Zhanna

Of these tips, 2-3 will be valid, which will really help. In general, everything is much simpler. We must try to be friends with the child and everything will work out.

Comment on the article "Uncommunicative child: how to help him? 25 tips"

Treat him like a child and the puzzle will come together. Of course, all children are different and what helps one may not help another. Maybe the problem of a classmate is not in his mother-grandmother by the hand, but in his timid and uncommunicative character?

Discussion

Why is the computer banned? After all, here is my mother, for example, in social networks ...;) The TV, probably, is also somewhere in the same place? I am categorically against anything categorical. For it can get out sideways.
Basically, I agree with what is stated below - a normal active child. And most likely, not even at a transitional age. So far, judging by the description, it is still quite a child.
I listened to Petranovskaya about adolescence. It seemed to me very close to what was really happening with my eldest. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for when it will be possible to talk to her normally, although approximately;).
Katya, I wish you patience, unlimited love and less groundless prohibitions.

not an endocrinologist, but a neurologist and psychologist
worth going
take everything on faith at once - no, filter
the only thing that can help is your authority in his eyes
do you have it? you need to demonstrate it - as the attitude of others towards you
then you can talk aspiration for leadership - the presence of an inferiority complex
find an extracurricular activity for him where he will gain self-confidence and where he will constructively compete
in the country there is one, that is, he was - he strove to be a leader
and then he found himself in tourism, and although now he is the most teenage teenager of the whole company, he is the calmest - he does not care about informal leadership somewhere else, except for his section

Item 4 requires a separate answer. Because by this time the woman is just having a hysteria (although it can happen at any time).
About thoughts. The book [link-1] will help a lot here. M and F think differently in principle. And you will never get simple thoughts from a woman. We always say one thing and mean a lot. I mean the option of hysteria from scratch, of course (and not the option "I should go for groceries, buy this and that." number, name and brand). And at this moment, we, women, often do not need your advice or special understanding there. Just listen and say "of course, dear, I understand everything ..." And it's already easier, already relieved. And most importantly, you do not need to take everything personally and consider yourself guilty of all mortal sins.
This is how you work from 6 to 21, and the wife is at home all this time (as far as I understand, she does not go to work). Closed space, concentration on the child, waiting for you from work - and you are tired, and you have no time for it. What kind of love is there with this mode of work - after 21 to have dinner and sleep only, I guess. And she was waiting for you, wanted attention, affection ... She also did something to do with her during the day, her head ached. All this accumulated, accumulated. And suddenly, for example, her favorite cup falls from her hands and shatters to smithereens! Everything! This is a direct reason for hysteria. Out of nowhere. You are standing with round eyes, "God bless her, with this cup, dear, we'll buy another!" And you don’t understand ... And her tears are flowing like a river, and then everything is remembered! In the reverse mode - like a child nagged during the day, like the day before yesterday, for example, dinner burned out, how you did not wish her good night, how on March 8 you forgot to give her flowers, that you don’t love her at all, etc., etc.
And here, just listen. Not so, "about by the way," but listening to her. Looking at her, nodding his head. BUT! NOT taking EVERYTHING personally. It is very important and necessary for women to ventilate their feelings. In the form of hysterics, this happens more often in some. When everything is over the edge ...
There is still such a moment about the thoughts of a man. When debriefing, when a man is asked a specific question for which he is not ready, he answers the first thing that comes to mind. But you men really have such a problem - you do not know how to express thoughts in words. My husband has already learned to answer like this: "I have not thought about it, I will think about it - I will give the answer." I could not understand everything, why think? It turns out that it is not so easy to arrange thoughts into sentences, and even to say it so that a woman understands you and does not see anything else behind these words and does not take offense. (Remember, we say one thing, but think about many things. And therefore, in your words, we also look for a secret meaning, as a rule).
What is the best advice for a woman? Let her read this book. At one time, a psychologist helped me a lot. You see, all this comes from non-realization. As soon as you dissolve in your husband and children, conflicts begin. Although, for sure there are women for whom this is a complete realization.
In general, the best medicine is working outside the home. Or a hobby. Child in kindergarten.
Regarding the child - there is a feeling that he is not lacking your attention, and you do not have enough communication with him. If at least half an hour every day and all weekends together, then this is quite enough, IMHO. Let mom learn to stop pranks, and dad can assent in the evening.

1. Find the strength to remain calm. Imagine something pleasant, for example, the taste of your favorite drink, massage whiskey, count to 10-15-100 ... But in no case raise your voice to the child. So you harm both him and yourself. 2. Leave the "epicenter". It is necessary to physically bring both yourself and the child out of the situation. If your child throws a tantrum in a public place, the best thing to do is to get him out. Get out of public transport, from the store, from the beach. A change of scenery...

HALLOWEEN SCHOOL POWER CARNIVAL with hilarious and terrifying ghosts for YOUNGER and MIDDLE CLASSES! Ball of evil spirits, tales from the crypt, secrets from the life of ghosts ... Why is it not only interesting for children, but also useful to spend a holiday with such a theme? And in general, why do children love horror stories and horror films? Child psychologists respect Halloween for its unique opportunity to conduct play therapy for dealing with fears. For kids...

Tell your child: 1. I love you. 2. I love you no matter what. 3. I love you even when you are angry with me. 4. I love you even when I am angry with you. 5. I love you even when you are far from me. My love is always with you. 6. If I could choose any child on Earth, I would still choose you. 7. I love you both to the moon, around the stars and back. 8. I enjoyed playing with you today. 9. My favorite memory of the day when you and I ... (what did you do ...

And try to help the youngest little by little. you know, you need to seek advice and help only from those who have the same situation - a healthy + sick child in the family. write on our conference, or something ... you are his mother, you, not your teenager. he will not be the same as you ...

Discussion

> "I gave my whole soul, brought up without pampering."
I don’t understand this at all. How can you not pamper a child? If you only "screw" him, then it is wonderful to wish that he also appreciated it.

> "Thick-skinned, it does not reach him that the mother is in a cake, the father is in a cake. Work, work, plus we still have a DISABLED CHILD in the family (the younger brother of our teenage son). ..."
Those. all the pathos of the situation that you and your husband are breaking into a cake for the younger, and that the older, not receiving his share of parental warmth (ideally equal to the younger) behaves accordingly? You don’t even write that the elder needs to communicate with the parents, write only “even sometimes there is not enough time for cleaning and for strong control of it too”, i.e. if about the elder, then no sentiment, only "control" and then after cleaning.
In the end, how much to give to the younger one (since he still will not be able to fully manage and he will not become healthy) is your choice. You can - as much, you can half as much, and if you hire someone, then the three of us will be enough. Stop and think about priorities. If the junior school is so important, then they write correctly - it is logical to move to it. How - another question (exchange an apartment or rent your own and rent there). If you can get closer to school - this is also an option, you cannot grasp everything in life. Is it possible in your school at least sometimes to leave the younger for the night (if not for five days)?

Think about one more thing. Children grow up, parents grow old. At some point, they need help from adult children. The younger one is not a support for you, God forbid, that he would somehow provide for himself (if he can). And the elder (while continuing the current one) will leave home with the thought that no one needs him there, that the parents love ONLY the younger, and so on, will he want to communicate with his parents with such thoughts, will he forgive? And you probably still want the elder to help the younger in the future ... Understand, now all your WANTED: whether to clean or not, and whether to take the younger to this distant school, and how much time to devote to each of the children ... And rightly so write that in a few years, the relationship with the elder will not return. And you, as follows from the topic, are an authoritarian person. If you don’t believe the confession, talk to a family psychologist.

Maybe not in the subject, but have you ever thought about moving closer to the school (as I understand it, a special one)? You are in time trouble, and there is little that can be done besides what, I think, is already being done.
And the elder has a teenage crisis. It's just a crisis. Much has been said and written about him. The main point of all psychologists is: you just have to wait, try to communicate evenly, invest in the child as much as possible, but do not wait for the results now, they will not be; a small person becomes an adult through withdrawal, and this is normal (without withdrawal, it is not always normal :)), he seeks and wins a place for himself in the world of adults, forcing others to reckon with his opinion, desires and even just his presence. Adults often want to either kill or expel this new creature that suddenly appeared in the family, and this is also normal.
Sorry if it's long and not entirely resonant.

Many parents often hear: "You have an inattentive child", "all mistakes in the text are due to inattention." And the parents themselves, most likely, notice that their child cannot concentrate on one topic, is often distracted, can skip letters when reading, make mistakes and not notice them, ask a question on one topic and immediately jump to another. All this is carelessness. A kindergarten teacher, teacher, or psychologist can help you determine if your ...

I have always been a staunch supporter of kindergartens. But looking at my very uncommunicative, maladaptive and wayward child, it becomes more and more scary for me: how will he be in the kindergarten? Should I go there at all? In principle, I can work at home ... Here is an article about the positive aspects of kindergarten ([link-1]). But I still don't know if all this applies to us too?

Discussion

You can always try and pick it up if you don’t like it.

Very relevant - the continuation of the article to which I referred was published. There are just arguments against kindergarten ([link-1]). True, I have already begun to really doubt all this))

Until the age of 7, children are dominated by so-called natural fears based on the instinct of self-preservation. At the age of 7-10, there comes a kind of balance between natural and social fears (loneliness, punishment, being late). If you describe this in more detail, then you can highlight specific fears inherent in each period of life. The first year of life - Fear of a new environment - Fear of distance from mother - Fear of strangers From 1 to 3 years - Fear of the dark (the main fear at this age) ...

I often hear that it is impossible to come to an agreement with a teenager: he doesn’t listen, he shrugs off the advice, or is even rude ... But you can agree, you can! You just need to set the child up for conversation. Well, he has lost the habit, or he thinks that you will not understand him, that you are not interested in his thoughts; and if you ask, so only to find fault and / or give instructions. So how can you talk heart to heart if the child does not want to talk? For a start, it's worth trying to catch the right moment. There are times when ...

As a teenager, it's a pipe at all .... now it's nothing, I work as a journalist :)) Not the most, um, uncommunicative profession How many I ask to help me with negotiations with the natives - zero, not at all. Although help is sometimes needed. 09.03.2011 21:27:18, Khimki woman.

Discussion

gradually the child himself will begin to adapt, and one way or another he will speak

Today I just asked about Diana, she is also like that. The psychologist advised to lag behind the child. We do not criticize her at all and praise her from morning to night, but she is still shy.

Dara, MoZayka, K., Yasnotka, Lariska from home, hanhi and everyone else thanks for the advice. 01/15/2009 13:30:57, Mother Isterichka. Why not drive ?! Is it really that hard to help a child get dressed ??!

Discussion

Dara, MoZayka, K., Yasno-tka, Lariska from home, hanhi and everyone else thanks for the advice.

01/15/2009 13:30:57, Mother Isterichka

Thank you all for your opinions. You are all absolutely right. The problem is that I can't change anything. The whole day is pangs of conscience and a heavy heart after what he did. Maybe really spit on everything and not drive him to music, sports, etc. let him know nothing but will be with a healthy psyche. And the daughter, too, does not take anywhere. And then they will not reproach me for it? Why didn't she give, if she could give? The fact that I need to drink drugs is for sure.

01/14/2009 09:42:23 PM, Mother Isterichka

partial failure! they say she feels sorry for me, my husband will leave me with a sick child. and she is Svetochka to me, dear, I have only one piece of advice for you - take the baby as soon as possible. God forbid Vanyusha to recover ... 04/26/2007 00: 25:10, A handful. oh, those good doctors ...

Discussion

This is what I thought: in the hospital, you are afraid for the child and you begin to behave humbly, believing that the doctor is God. Yes, it's good if this doctor is like that. Probably, the doctors in the intensive care unit are good. But in the department, the sisters are often just random people passing by; it is simply NOT possible to behave with them humbly. The principle of the kindergarten operates there "This child has a quarrelsome mother - keep an eye on him better ...." , which seem to be not supposed to. There you must always remember that the child is only yours, only you need it, only you are responsible for him and only you can he rely on. Vanyusha speedy recovery. Stand up for him, he is the only one you have now. Can I already lie in the ward with the child? Should be allowed, at least behind the scenes, around the clock, without leaving it, if only to wash, etc., with a change. At least sleep on the floor, on mattresses, by ourselves. Recover@@@@@@@

Well, wow: (((How could it have come to this?! Even though it was much better with us, something also happened: in my absence they put a tube ... it's easier to feed ... the tube hurt my stomach - blood bleeding .. sometimes instead of my milk they gave the mixture .. the milk still needs to be heated, and the ready-made mixture was brought ...: ((
They need an eye and an eye! Is there no way to lie down with him? This would be the best option.
And skip offers of refusals .. you shouldn't even think about how they can offer this ... I know it hurts even to hear this .. More than once I had to .. The first suggestion was to leave my child to die: (((And don't go would....
Our fists Vanyusha and you have more strength! Hold on, honey! We pray for you ..
I will probably buy a humidifier. With wet towels you can't run.

The best thing is to urgently find a baby with a great appetite from a mother who has no milk. This is best when exactly the baby empties the chest. I know from experience. I tried to express - a painful, long occupation. Plus, it's almost impossible to empty your breasts completely. All hope was in my daughter. And she did it. Sucked well. As long as the baby is sucking well, milk production is stimulated. In addition, you will not always have this amount of milk; over time, it will decrease. Good luck.

05/25/2001 14:45:17, Julia

brain encephalopathy
Due to some circumstances and difficult childbirth, from the moment the baby was born, I am worried not to overlook some deviations in him. I know that, for example, brain encephalopathy is very difficult to diagnose in babies. Mine is now almost 5 months old. Sometimes I notice that the child does not fall asleep well and is capricious for a long time before going to bed. and inagda cannot focus on any subject for a long time. What kind of examination would you advise to undergo in order to exclude encephalopathy, thank you!
hyperactive child
What to do with hyperactive children? Doctor, advise what to do, I no longer have the strength to deal with the third children. The birth was difficult, almost immediately after the second pregnancy. The third child was born prematurely, but now more or less gained weight. And now he is almost a year old, literally not a minute of peace. He crawls, howls, if I don't look at him or don't work with him, he starts screaming, crying, banging his head on the floor ((We did soothing baths, massage, everything helps for a while. Such hyperactivity is a reason to prescribe special treatment? And you can can I do with home methods? thanks a lot

And what should adults do in this case?

“Linus has long wanted a top for him. Mom urged him to wait. Now he comes home with the coveted toy, but he looks not cheerful, but rather annoyed. "Where did you get it from?" Mom asks suspiciously. “I found him,” Linus mutters to himself. The obvious lie angers Linus's mom, but Linus doesn't respond when asked to tell the truth. He closes himself, doing what he does not hear. "

Many parents are familiar with these scenes. Usually they are harmless, and they can be solved some time later, when the tension subsides a little.

Small children rarely withdraw into themselves.

Toddlers are usually very open minded. In kindergarten, they can barely keep their secrets to themselves.

But over the years, the situation has changed. “The older the children get, the less they want to talk, the shorter the answers to the parents' questions become,” write Jan Uwe Rogge and Angelika Bartram in their book "How to speak so that your child will listen, and how to listen so that your child will speak".

Many parents complain that their children do not open up, withdraw from the conversation, avoid any contact with the parents, and build a wall by pulling back. Why is this happening?

When the child shies away from answering: respecting personal boundaries

Stubborn silence is in most cases the last resort that the child uses to protect himself from the imposition of someone else's will, which he does not accept. Usually, the child already has experience by this point that his arguments are not taken into account. The repeated practice of punishment also often leads to silence.

“I don’t know,” is the answer of children who are asked by their parents why they were inattentive at school. If we are talking about teenagers, then you will most likely hear: "I don't care." When parents push their children too hard, they don't respect their personal boundaries. And teenagers are especially intolerant of this.

“Even if the parents are worried about the child, openness cannot be forced,” emphasizes Helga Gürtler, author of several books on parenting.

When kids close: confrontation won't help

Faced with the silence of the child, the parents feel their powerlessness. The more persistently they try to penetrate the child's thoughts, the more stubborn his silence becomes. Threats and reproaches will only spoil everything. At this moment, the path to the child is simply closed. The best way to start is to simply accept the situation - however difficult it may seem. “Talking - especially about conflict - takes time and a pleasant atmosphere,” explains Jan-Uwe Rogge.

Anyone who wants to blaze a new path for their child must be willing to listen. Only if children have the feeling that their parents really hear them do they open up.

"Listening" in this case means making it clear: "I am interested in you and your vision of the situation, I want to know more." Conversely, arrogance is the easiest way to silence a child. Why should the “ancestors” tell something if they don't even try to understand?

Active listening technique

Look at the child affably.

Let him know that what he says and feels interests you.

Summarize what the child has just said from time to time. This way you will find out if you have understood it correctly. At the same time, the child realizes that you are seriously trying to grasp what he wants to explain to you.

Refrain from commenting and look for solutions together.

Instead of going into a confrontation, asking Linus a direct question where he got the top, Mom could say: “Now you have the top that you have wanted for so long. But you seem to be not happy. " Perhaps from this the next one would be born constructive conversation:

Linus:"No, not really."

Mama:"What happened?"

Linus:“Jonas bragged about his spinning top all the time. I asked him if I could take it for a while. But he didn't want to give it to me. "

Mama:"Then you must be very angry?"

Linus:"Yes, and I took the top without asking."

Mama:"But now you're not happy."

Linus:"I am very ashamed, I'd rather give it to him right now."

This example shows what, ideally, active listening leads to: The child feels that he is accepted and understood - and finds a solution to his problem on his own.

“My child is withdrawn. I don’t know what to do ”,“ He does not want to communicate with anyone on the playground, he plays alone ”,“ The teacher asks, but she is silent, probably it’s autism ”- parents often come to the child psychologist of our center with such complaints. And rightly so. The problem of the child's isolation and lack of contact should not be allowed to take its course. It should be dealt with by a specialist.

What is it, why and how does it appear?

Closure is not a painful condition or autism. This is a defense mechanism that a child uses to shield his inner world from the interference of hostile outsiders. This character trait is acquired as a result of external influences, for example, it can be:

overly severe punishments
constant scandals in the family,
conflict situations in kindergarten or school,
severe psychological trauma,
lack of communication - the child simply does not know how and why to communicate,
severe long-term illness
parents constantly express their dissatisfaction with the baby.

Think about the child's temperament? If he is phlegmatic, then isolation is an integral character trait. Also, isolation is characteristic of children born prematurely. They spend the first days and even weeks of their lives away from their mother, deprived of communication with their family, and this may affect their behavior in the future. As a rule, isolation is formed in babies over one year old.

How to tell if your child is withdrawn or just shy? Indeed, both those and those babies react in about the same way to the same stimuli:

afraid of strangers and new places;
do not tolerate changes in their usual way of life;
their mood often changes, they are worried about a lot.

But shy children still really want to communicate with peers and adults, and reserved children do not need any kind of communication. If it is enough to teach a shy child to build a dialogue with others, then an introverted child needs to be motivated to talk, he himself must want to communicate.

The following signs indicate a child's isolation:

he is almost always silent, if he speaks, it is very quiet, timid, barely audible;
adaptation in a new team is difficult, he prefers not to participate in games and remain an observer;
he does not express his opinion, does not give any assessments and indifferently agrees with the majority;
the baby has practically no friends, he does not communicate with other children;
the child has hobbies that are strange for his age, his interests suggest a lack of communication and activity;
it is difficult for him to master oral subjects - foreign languages, reading, history and other disciplines related to communication are not suitable;
a typical reaction to a change in the usual schedule or an incomprehensible situation is tears or hysteria.

The first thought that comes to mind for parents of an introverted child is that he is autistic. Electroencephalography of the brain will help to confirm or deny the diagnosis. The referral will be given by the neurologist who has the baby. If autism is confirmed, the doctor and psychologist will immediately begin treatment and correction. Many autistic children with whom they study successfully go to a regular kindergarten and school, lead a normal life.

How can you help your child to open up to the world?

1. Grow your social circle

Visit popular playgrounds with a lot of children more often. Try to go there constantly so that he gets used to the new guys. The main thing is not to force you to participate in the game. After observing a little from the side, he himself wants to enter the noisy company. Invite guests with children. The child will be on his own territory, he will feel confident and little by little he will begin to enter into a dialogue.

2. Do not ask the child why he is withdrawn

Such questions only annoy and anger him. If the child again froze at the window or in a chair, approach and, asking leading questions, find out the reason. Find a way to replace negative emotions with more joyful feelings. Suggest an interesting task: watch a cartoon, play with colored rice, draw something. Be sure to discuss the activity with your child, give him the opportunity to express feelings through creativity and verbal.

3. Create a safe atmosphere

Avoid quarrels and scandals in the presence of the child. If he is frightened by something, lightly stroke his head or back, take his hand, hug him. Tactile contact will calm him down. The same should be done in a situation when you are talking with a stranger or come to a new place.

4. Encourage your child to communicate

Create communication situations artificially. For example, in a store, pretend that you cannot do without the help of a child and ask him to ask the seller how much apples cost. Finally, be sure to warmly thank your child. If all else fails, do not scold him, he is simply not ready to communicate yet. Repeat the experiment in a week or two. When reading bedtime stories, choose those with a lot of dialogues that can be played out in roles, preferably simple ones like "Teremka" or "Kolobok". The child will be confident in the correctness of his remark. The same goes for games, choose the ones where you need to talk.

5. Communicate with your baby

Always ask how he is doing, what he would like to eat for dinner, where he wants to go for a walk, what he saw unusual on the street, etc. Often children behave in a closed manner simply because no one cares about their experiences, they don't see the point of communicating. Show that socializing is great!

Many parents are concerned about how to help their child establish contact with a teacher. Child psychologists advise first of all to warn the teacher or educator that your child is withdrawn, and, therefore, he is likely to ignore an adult trying to establish control over him and perceive him as an enemy. The teacher should not impose communication with himself on the child, so as not to cause rejection. Ask permission to be present for the first time so that your child does not lose his sense of security and comfort. Explain to your child that a teacher is a friend who will not do him anything bad, create a positive perception.

Think about how the adaptation went? Have you started to increase the time spent in the kindergarten too quickly? If so, it is worth picking up the child for two to three weeks and starting the adaptation process from the very beginning. When a child's relationship with a teacher does not work out at all, look for another teacher or educator who has experience of dealing with introverted children.

Do not give up if the child does not want to communicate with the outside world. Come with him for a consultation with a child psychologist, he will definitely help to cope with this problem!

What if the child does not make contact?
By a specific age, the child becomes not interested in a narrow home circle, he has a need to increase his own social circle. A frequently asked question: why is it quite easy for some children to take a worthy place in a new team, find friends and talk freely with them, while the rest of the children find it difficult not only to find a common language in the company, but just to start a conversation with a complete stranger?

Keeping up with your peers and newly-made games, evenly increasing your social circle, is considered a natural state for a normally developed child. If it happened that child for one reason or another does not want to make contact limiting ourselves to communicating with oneself and appreciating loneliness, we can safely say that such a baby is in a state of disagreement with the world around him. It is still very difficult to find out the factor of children's solitude, but it is necessary if we want to raise a sociable child. It is possible to find out the main factors of refusal to communicate with the baby: The disease was inherited from one of the relatives; Excessive control and parental care; Selfishness and self-will of the child; Limitations of communication between the child and peers due to the special beliefs of the parents (and suddenly they will offend or teach not good deeds); Parents are busy at work and lack of time for real communication with their child; Avoidance of parents to call their own kid's friends into the house, because of the mess and games that are based on movement.

The baby's need to communicate with peers in the event of forced isolation is not satisfied, the baby is forced to spend all his free time alone with toys or a computer. Inhibited and immobile lifestyles lead to headaches and emotional discontent. If this way of spending time will be common for a child, then in the future it will be very difficult to find a common language and make friends with other children. Since the child is addicted to feeling comfortable only in the company of his family and familiar people, in an unusual and new society for himself, the baby is unlikely to be able to cope with internal confrontation and play freely with other children. Since here it is necessary to settle everything without the help of others, in the absence of a mother, and then he gets lost and refuses to take part in the game.

These children, like snails, live in their own comfortable world, jealously protecting it from the "evil" environment. Another reason for the origin of problems in communicating with a baby may be the first not good memories of communicating with peers. Maybe the kid, when trying to go first to contact, was simply insulted (knocked, called, did not recognize). In subsequent times, the child will think well before repeating it again. If the first experience ended with a trauma of any kind and the child remembered it, then he can completely categorically refuse contact with peers. Excessive shyness, which in the coming time may become a trait of the character of such a baby, will be an insurmountable obstacle for the newest acquaintances.

If shyness becomes an obstacle to communication with a child, then you can determine what type of shyness he has. This can be done by drawing. If the child is still shy, then he will draw himself in some ridiculous appearance in some corner of the paper, but not in the center. This means only one thing, that the child wants no one to notice him, and his self-esteem is not at all high. When a child is asked to draw his comrades, and he draws himself in the center, this means that he considers himself a leader. Summing up, we can say that problems in communicating with children are characteristic of 2 types of children - extremely timid and the makings of a favorite.