Happy adoption stories. Adopted adult community

16.08.2019

I wonder, I thought, does this woman really think that you can choose a child from one b / w photo in the federal data bank? In any case, the official did not have any formal reasons for refusal, and soon we received the paper we were looking for, where it was clearly written that we could visit the chosen child. The doors of the hospital have now been officially opened for us.

The head of the department at the hospital was very happy that everything was settled with us and ran for the documents. We have already been here several times completely unofficially, talking with the baby, talking about his health with the doctor. I can say that happy are those children who lie in places where doctors understand everything.

without mom

Box for 5 beds. Each contains one abandoned child. Here is Vitya, he has a very unpleasant diagnosis, which is why they have refused him for three years now. But since the development of the body is retarded from this disease, he is in size and appearance like a one and a half year old baby. Tiny hands, like a newborn, a tiny nose. But his eyes are such that you won’t look for a long time, he definitely understands everything, everything, except for one, the most important thing. When you start playing with someone else in the presence of ordinary children, the child, as a rule, begins to cry and asks to be played with him too. Vitya does not ask and does not cry, he laughs when other children laugh from the caress of adults - he feels good when another feels good. Strange.

Misha has bright blue veins on his face and neck. He keeps his hands on his head all the time and spins on the crib. He has a very bad headache. Very strong and always. And it's not that he has a congenital defect of the central nervous system and not that he is likely to die soon; No. Unfortunately, there are many such children, but each of them has a mother who will hold her child by the hand until the last minute of his little life. Misha, you understand, there is no one to hold a thin pen.

And Nadya is a little smiling miracle. She is absolutely healthy and she is only eight months old. She was found in the store in a cradle with everything you need. Parents were not monsters, but ordinary scoundrels. Although no one bothered to write her name. And only when the police found my mother, it turned out that her name was not Nadia, but Lena. Another girl was in this room, but her mother took her away. It's just not clear for how long. Mom is 19 years old, which is surprising - she did not have an abortion, she did not refuse after childbirth, she also breastfeeds. Yes, that's bad luck, the 19-year-old mother still wants to walk, she and her aunt left the child at night. And without a mother, she screams. Well, a neighbor with a civil position was found, but the police don’t care much about the details - they took her to the hospital, then they will also deprive her of parental rights.

For one beaten two unbeaten give

When we decided to adopt a child, I could not get rid of the conceited thought - if all the children cannot be saved, then at least there will be “minus one” (or “plus one”, from which side you look). But my confidence dissipated very quickly, literally when we came to the hospital for the first time and, taking our child, went with him to the playroom. While we were making contact there, two more “new” babies were brought to the box. So it didn’t work out to do an objectively good deed: the replenishment rate is such that new children arrive immediately, as soon as a place is freed up.

Fortunately, I can’t say that the kids have nothing, old toys, torn sliders and gauze instead of a diaper. No, they have an excellent playroom with a lot of good foreign toys, they have enough diapers and disposable sheets, they are fed quite tolerably. All this is true not thanks to the relevant authorities, but in spite of them, since no one has the right to know that healthy children have been lying here in the infectious diseases hospital for years. Literally everything that is possible for children is done by people united by one site on the Internet, thanks to them, in almost all children's hospitals in Moscow and the region there are volunteers who find money, medicines, diapers, toys. They visit children, make them independent examinations to remove the suspicion of the presence of AIDS or syphilis.

This is one of the paradoxes. On the one hand, orphanages are overcrowded, hospitals are already overcrowded, and people who decide to officially adopt a child cannot see normal, new photos of children. In the structure that is authorized to provide information about children - the Federal Data Bank - it is impossible to obtain comprehensive information about children, about how they look. Of course, first you need to go through a long and, by the way, absolutely necessary procedure for collecting documents and certificates, then register with the guardianship authority, and then, most surprisingly, you will be shown one black and white photograph 3-4 years ago, and on top all this will be flooded with information that this child has AIDS, or syphilis, or down syndrome. I do not like? Let's look for someone else, fill in the columns about the color of hair, eyes, about gender and height, habits, etc. in the questionnaire. And they will pick you up. Do you want to find yourself an only child? No, the law doesn't allow it. That is, of course, you can come to the orphanage. But in addition to children's homes, children in large numbers are in ordinary children's hospitals. And not because they are sick, but because there has not been enough space in orphanages for a long time. And there is nothing to say about them. It’s like they don’t exist, or they exist, but they are sick with the same imaginary syphilis. Of course, there are places where directors do everything to make sure that children are taken away - search Yandex for “Children's Home No. 7” or “Yaransky Children's Home”, but, unfortunately, there are very few such institutions.

The adoption procedure itself is not at all complicated, it takes two months at most, and there is a lot of necessary information on the Internet. First, the collection of documents takes place, then they are submitted to the court, the hearing of the case, and after 10 days the child is yours. Many frankly do not understand why adopt a child if you can give birth to your own. It is pointless to prove something, it is not some obligatory social burden, to each his own. But you can talk about how a person is born, literally, a person is born not through the womb, but through caress and love. Mark, like all the children lying there, looked like a block of wood. Such a wooden block with two handles. Would you be able to lie in bed for more than a year, not knowing what it is to sit on the backs of your father or sleep next to your mother? But they can. They do not know how it is to crawl around the apartment, leaving puddles behind, how it is to bathe in a bath with chamomile, how it is to eat grandmother's soup with a high content of meat per cubic centimeter of a plate. The point is not even that he never had all this, but that he does not know in principle that this can be so. And this chump, who never smiles, because there is simply nothing to do, is afraid of literally everything, turns out to be in his arms for the first time. Where so much power comes from, you just wonder. He clings to you with a death grip. In this regard, our son was especially lucky, although there are many such situations - two Americans and one of our girls wanted to adopt him before us. And in each of them - that's for sure - he clung to a stranglehold, because, apparently, he felt that if not now, then never. And now, he is at home, in his arms, from which he does not want to leave for anything. And an amazing thing happens: after a while, he starts laughing just like that, not from the fact that you beat him up and throw him up, but simply crawls and laughs in his entire small mouth. Then, gradually, he begins to respond normally to bathing, delicious food, and an older brother.

Heredity

Of course, we do not know what will happen next, how his bad heredity will affect my youngest son, but we very much hope in the mercy of God, that the Lord will somehow arrange everything safely. It seems to me that this is just the case when you can and should rely entirely on the mercy of God, since it is clear that we ourselves cannot give anything but a massage, a swimming pool, and, most likely, not very successful attempts at raising a child. As, however, we do not know whether everything will be fine with our elder, what paths he will choose in life. So we have no fears for genes.

Instead of a conclusion

I started writing this text at the very beginning of the adoption process, I finish writing to the friendly brotherly cry of my two children. During this time, I was asked the question “why” a thousand times - in medical institutions where we took certificates, at the court, which decided, in fact, whether to allow us to adopt, just friends and acquaintances, in whose eyes the first reaction was read quite clearly: “poor, they probably can't have any more children." We answered this question in different ways, focusing on the situation and the interlocutor, but to be honest, I simply don’t know. That is, you can come up with several correct answers, but in fact, it is impossible to formulate a final, exact answer that would also respond inside. I don't know and can't rationally explain. There is no difficulty with one's own vanity, since it is only such a heroic act on the outside, but nothing special on the inside, we just have two children, two excellent men now meet me at home in the evenings.

Probably, every person who thought about adopting a child was primarily interested in the real stories of the adoption of children. To be sure that the decision we have made is correct, we need confirmation that the happy future we imagine is real. There are many stories about adoption - some are completely standard, others seem incredible, many have a happy ending, but there are also stories in which there are more sad pages than joyful ones. In this article, we will present real stories of adoption of children.

Getting ready for kindergarten? Useful tips! For school? Then you are here!

Two boys in Altai

Most recently, many residents of Russia learned the incredible story of the adoption of two boys from the Altai Territory. It began with the fact that in a small village in the Altai Territory, a police squad went to a call that the mother of two children had not been seen at home for a very long time. The arriving group, which included police ensign Sergei Sharaukhov, discovered a terrible picture - two little boys, the youngest of whom was only three, had been sitting in a bag without heating for six days with a single loaf of bread. Sergei immediately decided to take the frozen and starving children to him.

The policeman's wife was sympathetic to her husband's idea and the next day she went with him to the hospital, where the children were sent.

Of course, such stories about adopted children are still rare. Much more often, children end up in foster families from orphanages or baby homes.

Someone long and carefully plans adoption, someone ends up in an orphanage by accident. But much more important is not how children get into families, but what happens next.

Why do people consider adoption?

For many parents, adoption becomes a salvation - from loneliness, despair, hopelessness. So many adoption stories have the same plot. First wedding, happiness, plans for the future. Then years of waiting, miscarriages, unsuccessful attempts at artificial insemination.

The decision to adopt a child is considered, sustained, natural. These stories usually have a happy ending.

Most often, these are stories of adoption of newborns - after all, every parent dreams of going with their baby all the way, from diapers and diapers to seeing off their child into adulthood.

Many stories can be found about families in which one, two or even three children of their own were just the beginning - and after them, the parents took in several more kids in need of parental care. When there are many children in the family, problems arise less often, and it is easier to deal with them. New family members can take a cue from older siblings. Parents with many children are parents by vocation, they provide children in the family with comfort and educate them correctly. In such stories, happy pages are more common than many.

Learn from others' mistakes

Notable adopted children

When we talk about real stories of adoption, we most often think of ordinary people, just like us. However, stories about adopted children of celebrities are no less real and can serve as an example of how life develops after adoption. They are both good and bad.

So, one of the first celebrities who adopted as many as eleven children was Mia Farrow. This story had a very dramatic ending. After the husband of the actress, Woody Allen, cheated on her with one of the already matured adopted daughters, Farrow broke off relations with both her husband and her adopted daughter.

Probably the most famous, but no less real adoption story, is the story of Angelina Jolie and her now ex-husband Brad Pitt.

Akrisa adopted her first child before marriage, having met the baby in a refugee camp during filming. Then Jolie adopted a little girl from Ethiopia. In her marriage to Pitt, she had three more children of her own, and together the actors adopted a little boy from Vietnam. Although the parents have now separated, the adopted children, like their own, remain beloved to them.

Russian celebrities, although they do not advertise their actions in this way, also often take adopted children into their families. Actor Alexei Serebryakov brings up, in addition to his own daughter, two adopted sons. In addition, the actor is the founder of a charitable foundation. Foster children grow up in the families of Tatyana Ovsienko, Svetlana Sorokina, Lilia Podkopayeva, Irina Alferova.

Alferova adopted two girls and a boy after the death of her friend, this is not a rare case. Sad as it may be, adoption stories often begin with such tragedies.

So, American Elizabeth Diamond adopted four girls after her mother and her best friend died of cancer. Laura Rufino was diagnosed in August 2014. Elizabeth and Laura have been inseparable since 5th grade, and Elizabeth made a promise to her friend to take care of her daughters if something happened. When Laura passed away in the spring of 2015, her friend kept her word and became a foster mother for her daughters.

Adoption stories are similar in many ways and at the same time each one is unique. If you have an adopted child in your family. Feel free to share your experience. Perhaps it is your story that will someday inspire another person to become a mom or dad and give a lonely kid a chance to find a family.

Hello dear!
There will be a constantly updated page from the stories of happy parents who have experience in adopting (caring for) children.
For many years, as a potential adoptive parent, I have been reading a lot of stories, stories, rumors, fears, assumptions on the Internet ... And at first I was frightened by the fact that so many negative emotions come across. Looking more closely, I realized something else - that the vast majority of "written horror stories" could not exist if the problems with raising adopted children were not considered with a "captious magnifying glass", which quite often does not allow you to see the positive features of a non-native child, his personal characteristics, emphasizing the attention of the parent (which is often (this fear is present in almost all not very joyful stories, which is surprising - there are almost none in positively oriented stories) is often undesirable (for parents and society) behavior.

In general ... I thought about it and decided for myself, and for my children, and for those people who are still in search, in thought ... to search and place on this page ONLY kind, pleasantly written, instructive and useful stories, stories and materials. Maybe they will be useful to someone or come in handy someday.
Maybe this will help save the life of at least one of the DD children.
God bless you!

http://www.mdr5.ru/wmc/athome/story/story001/

Happy father!
Material of the newspaper "Au! Parents!", No. 1/2006

For the first time in our marriage, we believed that very soon children's voices would sound in our house. They say that happy hours are not observed ... It took too long before we realized that we would have to fight for the right to be parents. And fight with yourself. Endless procedures, IVF one, IVF two… IVF is very difficult both mentally and physically. And first of all for a woman, because medical procedures are aimed at her, and a man cannot always adequately assess what is happening with a woman's body, with her psychological state. This is hormonal madness, I can’t call such procedures in another way. I already feared for my wife's health and was afraid of what would happen to the child that might be born.

After some time, I realized that I no longer had the strength or desire to repeat everything from the very beginning, that I could no longer see the violence against the mother’s body. "Do you really believe that after the tenth IVF attempt you will have a healthy child? Or do you think that it is possible to force a woman's body to give birth to a child?" I asked myself again and again. We thought that if it happened that way, then it should be so. There are no accidents in life. There is harmony. If there are parents who abandon their child, then there must be those who will take this child.

Our decision to adopt a child did not surprise our relatives, everyone was aware of our "ordeals" in medical centers. But in the choir of universal approval, timid proposals were nevertheless heard "to find good parents, or rather a good student who" accidentally flew in, but gave birth to a wonderful child. "Of course, there could be such an option, but it is so unrealistic ...

Naturally, the question of heredity arose. Heredity, heredity ... To hell with this heredity! I'm tired of reading articles about heredity! Look at the friends and relatives around you and leave genetic research to those who need it. Wouldn't you find a family among your surroundings in which wonderful parents have raised a son or daughter, to put it mildly, with antisocial behavior? It is foolish to assume that one person has a gene responsible, for example, for theft, while another does not. What your child will be depends solely on you, on your desire to give him your love.

Love is unconditional, it has no conditions. When accepting a child into your family, give him your love, without demanding in return gratitude for the fact that he was taken away from the orphanage, for the fact that if it were not for you, he would have grown up no one knows who. Give your child love simply because he is with you, for what he is, and not for his abilities. Love without conditions. Because he won't survive without your love...

The idealistic opinion that by accepting a non-native child into the family, you will make him happy, and he will be grateful to you for this and will always love you, is true only in the first part. In general, honestly admit to yourself that it is you who make the decision to adopt, not the child. And you do it because you have such a desire, and not because the child himself asked for it.

We collected the necessary documents and went to the orphanage.

On that significant day, the bright sun shone and the birds sang merrily ... Honestly? On that day, my wife and I approached the orphanage on unbending legs and slowly began to climb the stairs to the second floor, where the deputy chief physician was. A group of children of 2-3 years old came down to meet us, all of them to one (and there were at least ten of them) held the teacher's hands and looked at us with curiosity.

I immediately had a feeling of guilt before them for the fact that I was going to "choose" only one child. Out of the corner of my eye I see my wife's eyes filling with tears. The situation must be saved. I'm trying to be funny. Unsuccessfully. I'm about to cry myself. We go to the Deputy Chief Physician. We had one request: a child about a year old with maximum information about his parents. Her first reaction: "You're still young (I'm 36, my wife is 32). Maybe you can try it yourself"? She knew from my expression that she needed to get down to business. We were invited into the hall and told that they would show us two boys and one girl who should come up to us.

We started with a boy who was introduced as "daddy's son" (that is, he is my son, and I am his father). I did not immediately understand what kind of son and father we are talking about. Later it dawned on me that the boy they wanted to show us looked like me, and I, therefore, was already his dad. We go into the group ... I do not see the faces of the children, only the eyes that dig into you, and you feel guilty for all the opportunities that you have, but these crumbs did not get.

My wife holds my hand, smearing tears that she no longer tries to hide. Cheerful educators rolled out a little boy on a walker, that same "daddy's son." I look at him and can not understand: where am I? Reddish hair, round face. Well, except for brown eyes. He looked at me and stepped back.

I hear exclamations demanding to take the child in my arms. I go up and try to take the boy, and he is in tears. No, I don't think so. Nothing inside did not skip a beat, burst into tears, and besides, he doesn’t look like me. We were not taken to the group anymore; the rest, a boy and a girl, were taken to our hall. With difficulty holding back tears, we smile at the children, but we understand that we will not be able to "sort out" the children.

I think that it is more correct to start acquaintance with the child from his medical card. In this case, the choice will go at the level of personal and medical data, and it will be easier to determine which child you want to meet.
Do not consider yourself soulless if initially you don’t like something in a child: appearance, profile or something else. Don't tell yourself not to pay attention to it. Remember that you should soberly evaluate your actions. Do not hide your doubts from each other. It is better to resolve them before making a decision on adoption. It is perfectly normal if you decide to conduct an independent medical examination of a child - this is not a ruthless selection criterion, this is an opportunity, first of all, to assess your strengths.

Came back home. Not knowing how to find the words, I squeeze out of myself: "Who did you like?" Having cried, the wife said that she liked Ilya. That was the name of the boy who was shown to us first. The next day we go to visit Ilya. In the group, we were "delighted": the child fell ill and is in the isolation ward. I'm going to the isolation room. The staff is friendly, agreed to take the boy to us in the "dressing room".

I took this baby in my arms, pressed it to me ... And I realized that I would never leave him. Let him be red and chubby, let him reluctantly come to me, this is my son, and I am his father.

The decision was taken. It remains to complete the formalities. The biggest problem was the mother's lack of abandonment of her child. There is no point in describing how I found the address of the biomom. However, in the process of this search, I realized one thing: in our country (I think, in most of the former republics of the USSR) the concept of "confidentiality" is completely absent, therefore the concept of "secret adoption" is ephemeral. This conclusion strengthened my decision not to hide the fact of adoption from my son.

Then there was a meeting with the biomama. What can I tell you... Never date your biological parents unless you have to. When nothing is known about the parents of the child you are adopting, you can come up with any legend that you yourself believe. But when the "truth of life" appears before your eyes ... It's better not to know. But I received a refusal from the biomother, the adoption meeting passed quickly. By that time, we visited our son every day.

Eventually the day came when we came to take him home. It's hard to convey your feelings. We enter the group, and for the first time he himself went to me and held out his hands. The dumbfounded teachers said that he dragged them to the door all day, trying to find out if we came or not. They tried to take him away in order to change clothes, and he was in tears. Somehow dressed.

We go outside with him. I feel how he grabbed me, and I remember (we were told) that the group in which our son was, all children under one year old, had never been on the street.

We got home, got out of the car under the eyes of the neighbors and realized that in the near future we would be the object of close attention of the whole house.

I think it makes no sense to hide the fact of adoption. Not everyone will decide to radically change their lives: change their place of residence, work and environment in order to keep everything a secret. It is much easier to tell everyone "who wants to get to the bottom of the truth" that the child did not live with you before, but now you are together. A smart person will understand, but a fool will wonder if this is your child or not.

Be prepared for the fact that the first weeks, months of living together will seem uncomfortable to you, to put it mildly. For example, we had the impression that we live in parallel with the outside world. The habitual way of life has not only changed, we have begun to live a different life. The prose of adoption turned out to be much tougher than expected. The fact is that living with a child from the moment of his birth gives parents great opportunities to understand his needs: when he wants to eat, when his tummy hurts ... And then you have a child whom you don’t understand at first, but he doesn't understand you.

Imagine that you have found yourself not just in an unfamiliar society, but in another world where creatures unknown to you live (I mean men whom the child, as a rule, did not see in the orphanage), which you cannot understand. And these creatures keep coming and coming, all different, and there are so many of them (this is about relatives and friends who consider it their duty to come to you in the first days of your life together). I think that this is how a child evaluates the changes that have taken place in his life. At the same time, parents are struggling to prove to the guests that their child is smart and quick-witted.

Leave the child alone! He's in a stressful situation. He changed his usual environment, mothers disappeared somewhere (this is the name of all educators in the orphanage); the food is not what he is used to; the bed is not like that and not so worth it ... Can you imagine the state of the child?

Forgive me, Spock supporters, but here is my advice to a family with an adopted child: do not read or follow the recommendations of this respected doctor. I remember with shame one of the first nights when I listened to Ilyusha's sobs and restrained myself with all my might not to go up to him and stroke his head. After all, he had to understand that he needed to sleep separately, he had a separate room and his own bed! All this is utter nonsense. The child wants affection. The child should feel your warmth, the warmth of your body, the warmth of your heart. He must understand that you are next to him!

More than a year has passed since we adopted Ilya. And it was already hard for me to believe that we could not meet our son and no one would call me "dad". I realized that I had found the meaning of life. I live in order to have children. I want to have many children. If we have our own children, it will be great. If there are no children of our own, then we will still have children who will come to our family, albeit not in the traditional way, and will be our children. So the idea of a second child was born.

"Can you imagine what two small children are like? You have suffered with one! You would live to your heart's content!" How much advice have I heard!

Probably, it would really be possible to live in "your pleasure." Don't want! Once upon a time, I naively believed that at first it was necessary to achieve a certain level of well-being, but then life would change and there would be happiness. I reached a certain level, but the feeling of happiness did not appear. The annual change of the car not only did not bring me closer to happiness, but on the contrary made it possible to finally make sure that for me material wealth had long ceased to be the main thing in life. If there is a desire to have children, then existence without them becomes meaningless.

KOLENKA

When my son and I started traveling together to his group at the orphanage, I was initially afraid that Ilya might remember something from his “other life” and that his negative memories would prevent us from going there. These fears, like many others, turned out to be completely unfounded.

Together with Ilya, we bought treats for the children, and then distributed them. Ilya happily ate cookies with other children, then we went somewhere to have fun in order to consolidate, so to speak, positive emotions. And yet, one day, he got scared. Scared of what I could never have foreseen...

Our trips to the group became frequent, and I was increasingly visited by a feeling of longing and helplessness. The biggest test for me was stroking the children on the head. The fact is that in this group there were children under one and a half years old. The children were in the "pen" and moved along it, holding on to small handrails.

You start stroking one, the rest instantly pull up to you, and a fight "for the hand" begins. This made my heart ache; the more often the kids touched my hand, the more unbearable the pain became.

The fight for affection continued. Everyone was already crowding, pushing each other and intercepting my hand. I stare all around. The children realized that it was better to wait, then they would definitely get a little warmth. Warmth of the soul and heart. How to share for everyone? I try not to get off track. The children dutifully bowed their heads and waited for their turn. Lines to get affection... We are all in line... We are waiting for our turn for happiness, health, good luck. What are they waiting for? Nothing ... They are happy with what they have now. Now they have a dad who will stroke and play with everyone, but then he will go home.
My Ilya, seeing this, grabbed my leg and burst into tears. I don't know how he felt. We're leaving home. There will be no entertainment today, and he did not insist ...

I already said that we decided not to keep the adoption secret. But how do you let your child know that adopting children is okay? If he grows up with such an attitude, then he will not have the tragedy of realizing that he is not like everyone else. How to tell a child that he has "other parents"? How to explain that at the same time he is our favorite? These questions are asked by every family in which foster children grow up.

Once I was annoyed by the wording "adopted child." Thinking about it, I decided: what's wrong with that? After all, we really accept children with love for all their advantages and disadvantages. I hope, when they grow up, they will be able to accept us parents, who did not give birth, but accepted them with all their hearts.

What if they don't accept it? And if they do not believe that they loved? Or will our love weigh them down? I don't want to think about it anymore! Don't want! I will live for today, I will receive the love of my children today, I will enjoy the happiness that my children give today. And tomorrow will be tomorrow.

I learned this from the children I visited. Experiencing a future that hasn't arrived is empty. There is no future yet, but in the present you are endlessly worried: heredity, who you will be, who you look like.

There is a beautiful English proverb: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." The biggest fear that adoptive parents experience is that their child does not accept them as parents. But I made a simple conclusion for myself, which, perhaps, will help someone else stop their pendulum of fear, which swings the stronger, the more we love our child.

I imagined how the situation with a child aged 16-18 would develop. Realizing himself as a person capable of taking care of himself, he may decide to be independent of his adoptive parents, whom he did not consider it necessary to "accept". Of course it will hurt me. But let's be honest: the time has come for him (the child) to decide whether or not to "adopt" his parents. When we took the child from the orphanage, no one asked his opinion. The indisputable statement that he was given all the best (I'm talking about parental feelings) has a right to exist, but the child also gave you his love for a long period of time, which made you happy. Leave the right to choose for him, because once he gave this right to you...

After some time of trips to the children, I notice a little boy who almost always lay in the arena. It turns out that he is eight months old, but he does not roll over and gets up with difficulty.

I would never have thought that he would be my son. But somewhere in the heavenly office they decided for me. I was on a business trip for a month, then we went to the orphanage. The boy is not in his usual place. Taken away? Can't be!

I ask the teachers. They show me a child I don't recognize. How he has changed! I take him in my arms and feel how he presses against me. And then, quite unimaginably bookish, he quietly whispers to me: "Daddy." I was dumbfounded. The teachers are surprised. It turns out that in my absence they told the children in the group that dad would soon come and bring cookies ... How did he take it at his age? Don't know. But how can I leave it?

I begin to prepare my wife and parents: I show photos, talk about his achievements and health. Then, as it were, I forget about him, but my relatives are already interested in his fate.

And now, on my birthday, my wife gives me the best gift - consent to the adoption of Kolenka.
I am a happy father! My hobby is raising children. I enjoy life with children. Parental happiness is like an uncut diamond: every child is a new facet. The more children, the brighter and more valuable my happiness.

Konstantin K.

http://mdr7.opeca.ru/Story/story_Olga.html
I have permission to be guardians and referral to MDR N7. In the evening, we read articles on the Internet about an inconclusive HIV test, and concluded that most children with such a diagnosis are healthy.
Sokolniki, stop, bus, go through the green zone. Here it is - a specialized Children's Home N 7, a beautiful building, a well-groomed yard, the office of the head physician.
- This is us.
- Who would you like?
- A boy, up to a year.
- Then let's go to the third group, then we'll show the older children.
We ask questions about the health, diagnoses of children, we get comprehensive answers.
We go along the corridor to the second floor, the second group, cozy rooms, friendly teachers. Arena, babies are lying, look ..., choose .., "HOW?", They call names, age. We go to the bedroom, cribs, older children are in them: 8-10 months, three lie, one jumps on the bed, I look at him, I go further, I feel, someone pulls on the sweater, I turn around - a joyful smile, outstretched hands, I take on his hands, a smile even more and dimples appeared on his cheeks, and both dad and mom have “dimples”. "It's He... we found him!... no, he found us." We go back to the stop, thoughts come into my head: maybe even look, it's scary, such high-profile diagnoses. "No, we'll take it!"
We are waiting for the test results for two weeks - maternal antibodies to HIV are still present in his blood, the DR doctor says that they will definitely go away by 1.5 years, “and if not”, “what if” - we are not doctors, it’s so hard to understand. We go to our son, the teachers praise how good he is, teach him to say “mom”, let him take a walk around the DR. On the street spring, the sun, he is quiet, sits on his hands and looks at the huge trees, snow. In a group where everything is familiar, it comes to life, laughs, we walk on the floor holding our son by the hands, when parting, he cries, we cry too and it’s already impossible to be at home when the son is there ..
On Monday, the medical card is ready, we are waiting for the decision of guardianship, Tuesday ..., Wednesday ... at 15.00 all signatures are put, we rush to the DR, the head physician promised to wait for us, at 16.00 we go home with our son.
After 7 months, the son was diagnosed, we gradually learned to be dad and mom, grandparents do not have a soul in him, and forgetting, we argue who he looks more like, “dad or mom?”.

“Neighbors asked who it was. I directly answered: we took the boy. What's there to be ashamed of?" Three Candid Adoption Stories

There are six and a half thousand families in Belarus who have adopted children. Many of them still live a "double" life, believing that it is right to hide a secret from everyone, including from the child himself. However, in Western countries, the culture is different: children are increasingly accepted into families openly. It is not surprising that adoptive parents in Belarus have to be careful: the attitude of society towards them is full of extremes. Either “oh horror, mercenary creatures, they took babies for the sake of a preferential loan”, or “oh, these holy heroes with a halo over their heads, adopted unfortunate orphans.” In fact, they are neither. Onliner.by met with three families to touch the real life of adoptive parents and children who have become family to each other.

“When Yegor was first brought to us, the nanny said: “Look, these are your parents.”

The first time Olesya became a mother almost ten years ago. Danila was a long-awaited boy. And in 2014, another son appeared in the family - Yegor (the name was changed at the request of the heroine). One-year-old baby Olesya and her husband, Oleg, were taken from the Orphanage. Why did they do it? One word answer is not enough.

- I had a great desire to become a mother again. It captured me completely, everything else faded into the background. You work for someone, earn money and spend it, day after day the same thing. And what is all this for? Who are you living for? These are the questions I asked myself- Olesya sincerely admits. - At some point, the realization came that there are children who need their parents more than anything else. I madly want to become a mother, and they want to get into the family with the same force. So what's stopping me?

My husband and I discussed my desire to adopt a child and closed the topic for a while. For several months, everyone was stewing in their thoughts. I didn't want him to do it for me or under pressure. It should be a mutual desire, because it is wrong to force someone in such matters. The desire must come from the heart, otherwise there will be no success.

I slowly read the forums of adoptive parents, adoptive parents. It became clear where to go, what documents to collect. The video tutorials for adoptive parents, which are recorded by Timur Kizyakov, the host of the program "So far, everyone is at home," helped a lot. He invited specialists, and they answered the most disturbing questions: what is meant by the diagnoses that you read in the child's medical record; how to react if a foster child steals, and so on. My fears dissipated. In the end, and native children sometimes steal, get sick and all that.

- What were you most afraid of?

- It's really hard to scare me.(laughs. - Approx. Onliner.by) . But to be honest, I was afraid that I would not cope. We are responsible for those who have tamed. When you decide to give birth to your child, you consciously go to conception. With Danila, I planned everything, prepared for pregnancy, ate right, followed the regimen. Here you are given a child with special needs. A piece of his life has already been passed - and passed not in the most happy way. How to deal with it? I want him to grow up as a healthy, developed, happy boy. I was afraid of the consequences: what awaits us years later? But this, in the end, scares all parents. Every mom has a day when she thinks: “Oh my God, everything is bad! Nothing succeeded! I raised him, raised him, and he yelled at me and slammed the door!” Same with adopted children.

Having honestly admitted their fears and having found out that it is normal to be afraid, Olesya and Oleg began to collect documents. The desire of parents to take a child into the family is wonderful, but are they suitable for this role? In one month, the state must check the material and moral readiness of potential candidates. Do they have housing? Is the salary normal? Is your health strong? And finally, is there a fire detector? Then compulsory psychological courses - they are conducted by both the National Adoption Center and social and pedagogical centers throughout the country.

- Although a large stack of documents is needed, in fact, all these criteria are easily achievable if we are talking about a normal, prosperous family. And the psychological courses at the National Adoption Center are generally a great thing, they really help. We were very lucky with the specialist who conducted them. At first, I did not understand why they told us such harsh things about the life of children in orphanages. Why these films and books that describe the psychological portrait of orphans without embellishment? We were not told: “Everything will be fine, you can handle it,” but they showed us difficult situations. While studying, I read a book about a girl who was abused and then adopted. The hair on my head began to move ... Over time, it became clear to me: we can handle it, we are adults. After all, who if not us? Now I believe that the courses were conducted correctly. We were told honest things, not the formal "Everything will be fine"- explains Olesya. - On the other hand, I would not want to demonize children from orphanages. They don't have horns or a tail - people are like people. Suppose in our family one child is biological, and the second is adopted. Let's take our school class. There are children who live with their stepfather or stepmother. Some are raised by grandmothers. There are guys from incomplete families. Some have relatives with special needs. I don't think their life is much easier than our family's. And if you take off the crown, step off the pedestal, then it becomes clear: everyone has their own problems, there are no ideal families. No need to poke people with a stick. Try to be kinder to each other.

Yes, orphanhood in our country is mostly social. You rarely see a child in an orphanage who ended up there because their parents died. They are most likely in trouble. Many people believe that this will not happen to them. But after all, anyone can be in this place. It's just a couple of steps away.

A question that is often asked to adoptive parents is "How did you choose a child?". For some reason, everyone is waiting for an answer about love at first sight, but we don’t even choose a husband and wife in one meeting, let alone children. Adoption candidates, that is, those who have collected all the documents and passed the selection, are given the opportunity to meet with several children. So make the decision of your whole life, when you can’t rely on either “call a friend” or “help from the hall”. And then there are diagnoses of varying severity - almost all orphanage children have them ... There is no exact answer on how to choose a child. Each family does it differently.

- When Yegor was first brought to us, he was a year old. The nanny who was holding him in her arms opened the door and said: “Yegor, look, these are your parents.” A chill ran down my back. We were then just an aunt and an uncle, we could turn around and leave, and then they immediately tell the child: your parents. Then mental anguish began: is it him or not? Maybe somewhere else our baby is waiting? .. In the end, it turned out that the perspicacious nanny was right. A month later we took Egor home.

Our getting used to each other happened smoothly and slowly, not at the snap of a finger. Yegor, probably, had a harder time: he had no experience of living in a family at all, the idea that two caring adults could always be nearby. Little by little we warmed the child. I knew that he needed to go through all the stages of normal development, as if we had just taken the baby from the hospital. We showed that there is a reaction to any manifestation of it, taught the son to express emotions and ask for help. I deliberately rocked the one-year-old Yegor in my arms all the time to make up for the lack of bodily contact. And quietly he lived through the “infant period”. Refused motion sickness before going to bed, began to express affection. He had a new experience: "If I feel bad, my parents will come."

Olesya and her husband are one of the few parents who consider open adoption to be correct: no secrets and fairy tales. Passing for six months with a pillow under a T-shirt, depicting pregnancy, is not their story.

- Our environment reacted to the sudden appearance of a child in different ways. Neighbors might ask, "Who is that?" I answered directly: "We adopted a boy." Of course, this is not the most pleasant conversation. It happens that people become wildly shy, lower their eyes to the floor, apologize when they hear about adoption. But what's there to be ashamed of? This is a fact of our life. We are happy, everything is fine with us - why are you apologizing? I do not hide from friends: yes, our boy is adopted, this is not a secret. We were lucky with our parents: they accepted Yegor and love him very much. Although I know other stories of adoptive parents, when grandparents accepted children with hostility.

People often ask: “But what about the genes, are you not afraid?” Listen, let's each take and analyze the history of his family. What, do all grandparents, aunts and uncles have blue blood? And no one drank right?

My position is this: you need to be honest about the adoption of both the child and others. Why lie? Lying means you are ashamed, you are hiding something. What is there to be ashamed of? In addition, the child already knows everything that he has experienced. Even if he does not realize, does not remember the details, in his soul he feels what happened to him. Yes, this is something secret, and many lack courtesy. Educators in kindergartens and teachers in schools hang labels on adopted children. Unfortunately, this is the case in our country.

But all these difficulties are such a small percentage compared to the joy that you get! Feeling that you are a mother, watching a child grow up, listening to his jokes, watching two sons swear and make peace with each other - this is happiness.

In 2015, Olesya and her husband were among the active participants in the first festival of adoptive families in Belarus. This year they are going to repeat this important experience.

“This is not a feat, but a simple human need - to give your love”

Natalia and Dmitry adhere to more traditional views. 50-year-old spouses respect the "secret of adoption", trying not to advertise to outsiders that the girl who appeared in the family is not their biological child. Correspondents of Onliner.by were sympathetic to the request of the characters not to shoot their faces on camera.

- We do not keep a secret, it is impossible. Our Anechka was almost 6 years old when she was adopted, so not only relatives and close friends know, but also neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances. You can't hide this. We just don't advertise it. If we consider it necessary to tell one of our new acquaintances, we will do it.

Six months later, we took Anyutka to a dance studio. Recently, a teacher told me: "Your child is the worst." What should I say: “Oh, this is an adopted child, he is not our blood”? And then they will pity and sympathize with us? I told the teacher, “Thank you. We will work and try." Although one of the familiar adoptive parents spoke about this as follows: “Let them know. If something goes wrong, it's not our fault. This is genes". By adopting a girl, we consciously took responsibility for her, and for her genes too,- says Natalia.

At the Adoptive Parents Festival in 2016

- We have been married for 26 years. We didn't get on with the kids. And I always really wanted a child, for some reason it was a girl. It was my dream. So many years it didn’t work out, and finally “the Snow Maiden was cut off”, Dmitry laughs. - I am very glad. I even sometimes feel that I am unnecessarily pampering my daughter, but I can’t help myself.

- For a long time, we did not have any thoughts about adoption, moreover, I told my mother, who asked us to take the child from the orphanage, that this would never happen. For the first time, my husband and I started talking about adoption after our acquaintances, and people of our age, adopted a child in Grodno. It became an impetus. In the end, we came to an unshakable decision: yes, we want to adopt a child. And I must say that the biological parents of our girl are also age-related,- adds Natalia.

- The first time we met Anechka in an orphanage. She ran outside and immediately followed us. And in parting she asked me: “Are you still coming?” I stood there and did not know what to say… We were leaving for a week, and as soon as we returned to Minsk, we immediately went to the orphanage to apply for patronage. Anechka saw us, ran towards us, spreading her arms. On the first day we went to buy her new dresses, and she, standing in line, asked me: “Mom, where is our dad?” So, we were not “aunt” and “uncle”, but immediately became “mother” and “dad”. She probably realized that we don’t have extra time, we are ready to be parents for a long time. On that day, my daughter could not fall asleep until late at night, the baby was tormented by the same question that you are now asking me: why did we choose her? I explained to Anechka: “We want to be your new parents, take care of you, so that you live in a family and have a mom and dad. We have been looking for our daughter for a very long time and are glad that you were found. We took the documents to the court for adoption in a week,- recalls Natalia.

Anya is surprisingly similar to Dmitry, like her own daughter. They even have the same blood group. “Don't tell anyone that it's not yours. In the photo - one face!- the judge noticed when the issue of adoption was decided. No wonder the girl chose dad as her favorite. He is the “master of toys”, carries his daughter in his arms, and the mother is responsible for things more “boring”, but useful: reading, staging sounds, calligraphy. No evening is complete without a shared bedtime story.

- Before Anechka opened a huge world outside the orphanage. She did not understand what kind of free city this was, where dogs run and cars drive. The baby was afraid of the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and the coffee machine, and the water running from the tap ... Five-year-old Anya stumbled, looked around with her mouth open, and I held her hand tightly, even thought that my daughter had impaired coordination of movements,- Natalia describes the first months.

- It is natural for Anyuta to say that she used to have a different mother, to recall the orphanage. And, to be honest, we didn’t know how to react to it right away. But now we are already freely discussing the topic of adoption with our daughter. My wife and I agreed that we would never speak badly about Anyuta's biological family. But I am against the fact that at school they know her story: I don’t want my daughter to be teased,- says Dmitry.

“And I don’t want anyone to accidentally hurt the child’s soul in a tactless conversation. I think it will be right to wait for the moment when Anechka herself decides what to say and to whom. It is her right to talk about the fact that she is adopted, or to remain silent. We will not decide for the daughter. I emphasize: the choice is hers. And we will try to protect Anyutka from unnecessary attention to how she appeared in our family,- explains Natalia. - At the same time, openness is important to me - in the sense in which I understand it. For example, I advocate that families who are just thinking about adoption can come to the festival of adoptive parents. For example, my friend, who has already done eight IVFs and despaired of getting pregnant, discussed the possibility of adoption with her husband. If such a family comes to the festival, this is openness. But propaganda and agitation in this matter are superfluous. How can I persuade people? “Well, adopt a child! Have pity on the orphan!" No. Here, an inner, spiritual need must arise. We have not had such a need for 25 years.

I believe that everyone should come to adoption on their own. This is indeed a very responsible and serious step - not to buy a toy. For some reason, many people think that adopted children should be grateful and walk along the line. This is wrong. Children don't owe anything. Three weeks later, our daughter began to “probe” us and determine the boundaries of what is permitted. There were screams, and crying, and stamping of feet, and clenched fists. This is where life experience comes in very handy.

“Sometimes, at an appointment at a polyclinic, a doctor, for example, says: “God, how nice that we still have such selfless families in our country!” It’s strange for me to hear this, because adoption is necessary first of all for ourselves. This is not a feat, but a simple human need - to take care of someone, to give their love. We did not take a child into the family in order to help the state or remove the social burden from the government. No! This is purely a personal need. Our house was filled with children's laughter, Anyutka has changed a lot in eight months, we can talk about her for hours. This is the joy- sums up Natalia.

“I was angry and envious of families that have children”

Olga and Alexander became parents 3 years ago. Just at some point they decided that they were tired of being together: 11 years together - I wanted to share my life with someone. So the one and a half year old Nikita appeared in the family. The adoption decision was not easy, but, apparently, honest in relation to himself and to the boy.

Why did we adopt a child? Yes, everything is simple. Banal physics. We did not have the opportunity to become parents ourselves, so we made such a decision. More than three years ago, a friend signed us up for a preparatory course at the National Adoption Center. Having heard and seen everything with our own eyes, we finally decided that we want to celebrate the New Year - 2014 together,- Alexander recalls.

We have always wanted children. It seemed completely natural to feel the experience of parenthood, Olga joins the conversation.

It was as important to me as it was to my wife. I confess, I was even angry and envious of those couples who have children. After all, I didn’t have a child ... We brought Nikita home on January 4th. We wanted to have time to apply for adoption and celebrate the New Year together, because we became attached to the boy during meetings at the Orphanage, we saw how bad he was there. But with our officials it turned out as always. I had to argue and solve problems. For example, the inspector in the education department lost our documents several times, and there is an impressive list of papers there. I also had to come to the Orphanage more than once in order to finally resolve the situation with the “giving side”, it was a serious hassle. It took a long time in court to explain why we need adoption at all. Like, you live well - why do you need a “disadvantaged” child? Why did they decide to adopt so quickly, did not go to Nikita for several months? I had to literally “educate” a judge in terms of how the psyche of a child without an adult works and why each meeting for a baby is another trauma of attachment and loss of trust in people.

Only the National Adoption Center is a pleasant exception in this matter. There we received support and help in the form of advice. But in general, there is a feeling that no one in our country is interested in adoption.

Soon there will be a festival of families of adoptive parents "Native people". And we are very happy for him, because the main goal of the festival is to raise the image of adoption. A good example - the same States, where to take a child from an orphanage - this is a good form. And we don't know what. The act is “as if good”, but they look at you askance. There is neglect of orphanhood and adoption, Alexander states.

Despite formal difficulties, Olga and Alexander managed to achieve their goal. In December 2013, the court officially recognized them as Nikita's parents.

- And rushed! For the first month and a half, I hardly showed up for work at all. Since I run a small business, I could afford it. Those were months on adrenaline. Now, after the fact, I understand everything very well. My wife and I saw no problems. We were knee-deep in the sea. For example, only now, looking at the photo, we see how dystrophically thin Nikita was after the Orphanage. We didn't notice it then. And many such moments, health problems seemed to us something insignificant,- Alexander recalls.

- From somewhere they took on all the forces! Olga laughs. - It was a time of contrasts: it was incredibly difficult during the day, and at night, when the baby fell asleep, there was a feeling of great happiness. We were very lucky that our son immediately accepted us and trusted us. Nikita is an open boy. I guess that this is largely the merit of the nanny in the Orphanage, who often took him in her arms. Nikita was her favorite and thanks to this he did not lose confidence in people. He received me and my husband very well, literally right away, although in the Orphanage they called it a clear violation of attachment. But we literally fell in love with the baby, and all the minuses that the staff of the institution talked about seemed to us pluses. The decision to adopt was a firm one.

In the first months, Nikita did not let me go at all, he hung in his arms. Usually, at the age of one and a half, boys are already walking, exploring the world around them, and our baby wanted to be in the arms of me or Sasha all the time. The new situation caused him fear and anxiety. Putting to bed every time was a real feat for us: the baby could not lie next to us and be alone in his crib. We think he was overwhelmed by the fear that "I will fall asleep, and my mother will disappear at this time." They rocked him for two hours in his arms until he fell asleep, put him in a crib and ran out of the room. Neither the wheelchair helped, nor anything else. Being out of our hands caused fear and panic. We even wondered: is there such a phenomenon - excessive attachment?

- Let Nikita be small, but he is a man. He understands, feels, remembers everything. Surprisingly, at the age of 5, he already clearly knows that he was adopted. Although not everything can explain itself. Of course, inside he has so much pain and resentment against the world that the baby begins to get angry, show aggression. After all, he does not know where this pain comes from, why he feels so bad in his soul. This is a common story with adopted children. Therefore, yes, Nikita is a “difficult” child. "Inconvenient". Sensitive. Demanding. He remembers everything very well. He asks tough questions that need to be answered. And in this case, there is nothing better than the truth. We decided not to make up any stories, but to tell Nikita honestly about the adoption,- Alexander explains his open position.

The human psyche is arranged in such a way that, unfortunately, the trauma of abandonment will remain with a child from an orphanage for life. Even now, one of Nikita's favorite games is taking care of toy babies. He can bring the baby and say: “Mom, look, he is lying alone. Have pity on him, please!" It's a way to relive your grief over and over again while trying to change the script.

- I explained to Nikita everything that happened to him through a fairy tale. She told how one baby lived in the world, grew up in a house with other children, he was raised by aunts, and then my husband and I came and took him to us. And we will never leave the baby again. “You can beat, scream, get angry, but we won’t leave you,” that’s what I told my son. Then Nikita fell in love with listening to a fairy tale about a lost bear, which I also came up with especially for him. So he grew up with the realization that he did not appear in our family from birth. Now, at the age of 5, he is just beginning to understand that babies are born from their mother's tummy. In his version of the world, until recently, children appeared from the orphanage, Olga explains.

There were practically no problems with the reaction of the environment to adoption. Alexander and Olga honestly told their loved ones about their joys and difficulties - where would they be without them. As a result, one pair of friends also decided to take such a step - to take a child from an orphanage.

- Look how wonderful Nikita is! Absolutely ours, dear! I'm not imagining another child right now. It is worth all the difficulties - to see, to be involved in how a small person blossoms, Olga is convinced.

- At the same time, one should not underestimate the history of our son and his inner experiences, which are reflected in the whole family. I don't want to tell you that adoption is pure bliss. No. For example, when I see Nikita's depressed mood, I start to think. How to behave? How to educate? What will happen next? It's complicated, Alexander admits. - We are lucky: we are surrounded by competent people - from the director of the National Center for Adoption Natalya Pospelova (at first we called her every day with questions after putting Nikita to bed), family psychologist Olga Golovneva and ending with the chief child neurologist of the Ministry of Health Leonid Shalkevich.

However, in general, our society does not understand adoption. If you came to the family differently than the rest of the children, then the school will put the label “orphanage” with which you will have to live to the end. But I'm not afraid for my Nikita: he will fight back. And if necessary, I myself will come and intercede for my son! But it's still a negative to deal with. I know of several stories where pro-glasnost adopters changed their stance due to the cruelty of the school.

- Adoption is a natural way. Why is surrogate motherhood considered something normal, but a child from an orphanage is not? Participating in

Our heroine from Moscow, Svetlana Stroganova, spoke not only about how she manages to work and raise children, but also shared her opinion about life in orphanages, as well as whether it is worth keeping the secret of adoption, and how to prepare for such an important event - to become adoptive parents.

Svetlana has 5 children. The eldest is daughter Sasha, she is 23 years old. Sasha graduated from a university in China with a bachelor's degree in economics. She recently became a mother herself and lives separately, often comes to visit. The second son is Stepan, he is 11 years old, he studies in the 5th grade. Styopa is a very capable boy, he is fond of military equipment and paleontology - he knows the names of more than a hundred and fifty dinosaurs, attends a paleontological circle, went on expeditions. Svetlana also has three adopted children: Sonya (5 years old), Olya (4 years old) and Nazar (2 years old).

About the life of orphans in orphanages

Sometimes I hear from adults and intelligent people that children in the orphanage live well. It kind of used to be bad, especially in the 1990s. Now the orphans and refuseniks have everything - toys, clothes, food, and they also work with them, go for walks. "Stars" come to them with concerts. The orphanage or boarding school is now like a camp or a sanatorium. What's bad?

Imagine that you are in a hospital. The disease is not serious, but it is necessary to undergo treatment in a hospital. You are fed, watered, dressed there, they even give you toys so that you have something to do. But the treatment is delayed, you are not allowed to go home. You lie there for a long time, so you even manage to catch concerts. They do procedures for you, they even let you out for a walk, into the hospital courtyard. In general, they provide everything that is required by the regime. But there is no one to call you - you have no one behind the hospital walls, no relatives, no friends, no acquaintances. Therefore, no one will visit you. Hugs and kisses too. Nobody needs you.

About becoming a foster mother

When my natural son Stepan was four years old, I wanted to give birth to another child, but it didn’t work out. Then I started watching programs about orphans. The adoption situation seemed romantic to me. It was dreamed that the adopted child would be at least like Steve Jobs.

I studied the situation more deeply and learned the story of a woman who was never able to love her adopted son. He lived with her for several years, but in the end she could not stand it and returned him back to the orphanage. I imagined what this child had gone through, and I was so imbued with his tragedy that I became truly scared. Only six months later, I was able to comprehend the information received and again return to thoughts about the adopted baby. Now, however, I began to search the Internet not for idyllic stories of family happiness, but, on the contrary, for stories about problems and difficulties.

It’s good that now training at the SPR has become mandatory, but then I myself tried to protect myself as much as possible from unforeseen situations and troubles. I prepared for any difficulties, collected documents, but at the same time I clearly understood that I would not take a child with a disability. I did not want to seriously change my life and deal only with the rehabilitation of the child. I thought that I would never change my attitude towards this issue.

As a result, I brought to Moscow a girl from the Krasnoyarsk Territory - Sonya. I specially flew for it several times, there were difficulties with the documents, at first they didn’t want to give it to me, it even reached letters to the city prosecutor’s office. Sonya was then a little less than a year old, and I was literally in love with her - I liked this little girl so much. Sonya lagged behind in development, but at home she quickly caught up with her peers, and six months later the doctors no longer saw in her any differences from ordinary home children. Sonya is growing up as a very inquisitive and kind girl, albeit cunning - she knows exactly who and what needs to be said in order to get what she wants. Now she is engaged in music and karate. She has excellent vocal and physical abilities.

I am constantly asked if I love children differently? Probably in different ways. But not because of their "acceptability", but because they are different. I remember once talking with my friends about who breastfed children until what age. I say: “I fed Styopa for up to a year, and Sonya ...” - and I try to remember how much I fed her, and I can’t. And wonder why I can't remember. And only after about half a minute I start laughing, because it didn’t even dawn on me right away that I didn’t feed her. I completely forgot about her “acceptance” at that moment.

How life changes with adopted children

When Sonya appeared, there was a sharp change in the daily routine. True, I was well prepared for such changes, and there were no serious problems. Stepan was then six years old, he reacted calmly to the appearance of his sister. He had nothing to play with her, they did not share toys, so there was no pronounced jealousy. True, a couple of times he hinted that Sonya could, for example, be stolen if by chance (at the same time he made sly eyes) he forgot to close the door at night. But usually this happened after the guests, who brought gifts not only and not so much to him, but to Sonya.

Let me give you an example from one of my typical days. If there is no assistant, then you have to do everything yourself: for example, take the children to kindergarten, then go to guardianship, then to the court, then to the MFC, SRC, PFR ... From these departments they can be sent for information to other institutions. In the evening you have to pick up the children from the kindergarten. My son goes to and from school by himself. But I still need to go to work, as well as cook, wash, iron and so on. I have to spin around, make plans for the day, but sometimes I even manage to get to the theater. I love to read.

It is necessary to realistically assess your strengths before there is a desire to replenish the family. My husband always worked hard, he knew that if I say that I can do it, then I can do it, because he could not help me during the day. And in general, I believe that the main resource in the family is the health and strength of the mother. If mom is in a good condition, she is cheerful, cheerful, calm, then the rest is just tasks that are solved as they become available. But if the mother is tired, irritated, angry, then it will be difficult with one child in the family. Therefore, it is more important for me not to spend as many hours as possible next to the child / children, but that the time that I am with them is pleasure and joy for them.

About Nazar

Sonya was growing up, and a couple of years later Nazar appeared in our family. I took him from a specialized orphanage for children with organic damage to the central nervous system (CNS). The baby was 10 months old. I remember that Styopka then asked me: “I hope this is the last child?” Nazar, of course, also lagged behind in development, but he did not have any serious diagnoses.

Of course, a lot of terrible things were written in the card, but by that time I already figured out which diagnoses to pay attention to, which ones not. As a result, at home, all issues with a developmental lag were also removed within six months or a year, there was no adaptation, but I also did not succeed in such a strong love, as in the case of Sonya. However, it was decided that this is my child and I will take care of him, no matter how I feel. And after a while I began to feel tenderness for him, and now I just adore him. He is a very funny, kind and sociable boy, everyone in kindergarten loves him, he looks and behaves like a little man - brave and caring.

About Olya's adoption

Two more years have passed. Once I saw a photo collection of the Federal database of girls from the Orenburg region. They were 4-5 years old, for some reason they were all shaved bald. It all seemed strange to me, because hardly anyone wants to pick up children from such photographs. One girl, who looked more like a boy, hooked me with something. But the regional operator told me that she has a huge head, she lies in bed, does not walk, in general, this is not a child, but a “vegetable”, no prospects. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t believe that it was about the girl I saw in the photo. However, other children from this selection had no better reviews.

I decided to fly to the Orenburg region to see on the spot how things really are. When I met the baby, I saw that she had problems with her legs. I tried to talk to her, asked questions. She tried very hard to answer, showing pictures in the book. Of course, there was a serious backlog - no one was looking after the girl. But I saw that she did not have a declared mental retardation.

At first, I honestly tried to find Olya's mother. I thought it would be hard for me to live with a non-walking child on the 5th floor without an elevator. A month later, I was informed that Olya's documents were being prepared for transfer to a boarding school for disabled children. After hearing this on the phone, I thought: after all, not a single person will cry if she dies in this DDI ... And then I realized that I simply could not leave her.

Olya and I traveled to Moscow by plane - this was her first big trip, but she was calm. I told the children in advance that a girl will come to us soon, she has some peculiarities, she needs help, and in some ways - support. And they somehow understood this, no one teased her, much less offended. On the contrary, everyone shared their toys with her and took care of her in every possible way. This made me very happy, I did not even think that I had such wonderful children.

Styopa was somewhat skeptical about the appearance of Olya, but my grandmother - my mother - explained everything to him with humor: "You see, your mother has such a job - to raise children." Styopa is a very courageous and kind boy - he always helps me, even when he is dissatisfied with something. And, by the way, always gives way to women in transport. I am very glad that such a man is growing up with us.

Olya has been living with us for more than a month now. We all rejoice at her success: Olya climbed into bed with Sonya in the morning, Olya draws, Olya says new words ... When she arrived home, she could speak no more than ten words, but in just a month and a half she began to speak in sentences. For the first two weeks, Olya almost constantly tried to climb onto the bed and sit there. And yet - tied all the dolls. Then she showed us how to tie - crosswise hands, tie behind the back and put on the stomach, and then tie the legs and put in bed. Of course, it was terrifying to listen and look at it. But now everything is in the past - in the last couple of weeks we have not had a single connected doll.

Of course, she still gets anxious, and she constantly asks me - sometimes a hundred times a day: “Are you my mother? Are you my mother? ”, And I repeat to her 100 times in the same way that I am her mother. And also - Sonya, Nazar, Styopa and Sasha. General. And she laughs and says, “My mother. General.

Each family has its own principles and opportunities - moral, financial, physical. Someone is ready to adopt an HIV-positive child, and someone is not. Someone is ready to take a child with a disability, and someone believes that they will not be able to cope with such a task. Therefore, my advice is not about which child to adopt, but how to prepare for this event.

1. Even if you have graduated from the PDS, it is important to continue to educate yourself. 52 hours of classes is too little in such a responsible matter. It is necessary to read specialized literature (personally, I boldly recommend all the books of Petranovskaya, Murashova, and in your SPR, for sure, they gave you such a list). After all, even when people start an aquarium, they read how to care for it, and here such a thing is a child.

2. It is important to work with your prejudices. I quite often come across reflections on how “dangerous” it is to take children over three years old, about diagnoses, about development. Don't be afraid to ask questions and look for answers. The maximum amount of information can be gleaned not only in the classes at the PDS, but also on the forums.

3. If you are already looking for a baby, then try to get as much information about the child as possible. One small photo with a brief description is not enough. Be sure to meet with the baby, chat with him. Write down everything that employees of the guardianship, employees of the child's home/orphanage tell you about the child. Detailed, with details, better even on a voice recorder. Then it can be analyzed. For example, in medicine, it is important to separate real diagnoses from people's assessments - for example, "cerebral palsy" is a diagnosis, and "none" is an assessment that is not a fact.

4. Do not forget that communication with representatives of the system should be friendly and calm. And not only "live", but even in letters. Don't fight, be polite and diplomatic. All my children did not appear in the easiest way in the family, but I did not speak in raised tones with any of the employees of the services and organizations that I had to deal with in the process of receiving children.

5. Be sure to take care of your resources - I'm not talking about material resources (although you also need to think about them). First of all, these are the people who will help you. It can be relatives, friends. For example, when I had small children (and this most often meant night vigils), I asked my friends: “Don't give me anything. Come and sit for 2-3 hours with your child.” And she went for a walk, to the store, to the hairdresser - mom definitely needs an outlet, time for herself.

6. Prepare for difficulties. Expect them. So that they are not something unexpected. So that if it is difficult, then it is expectedly difficult. And when it gets easier, it will be very nice.

7. Note like-minded people, senior comrades. Those who have already passed this way and who can provide support. This can be both live communication (by the way, PDS often offer accompaniment), and forums on the Internet.

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