How to improve relations with a stepfather to a teenager girl. How to find a common language with your stepfather. Stepfather is against communication of a child with his own father

20.09.2019

Natalia Kaptsova

Reading time: 6 minutes

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The appearance of a new dad in a child's life is always a painful event. Even if the native (biological) father remembered his parental responsibilities only on holidays or even less often. But charming a kid with toys and attention is not enough. There is a long work ahead to create a strong and trusting relationship with the child.

Is it possible to achieve absolute trust in a child, and what should a stepfather remember?

New dad - new life

A new dad always appears unexpectedly in a child's life - and, more often than not, acquaintance is very difficult.

A new person in the house is always stressful for the child.
The new dad is felt as a threat to the usual calm and stability in the family.
The new dad is a rival. With him will have to share the attention of mom.
The new dad did not expect this child with his mother for a long 9 months, which means he does not have that delicate family connection and does not love this child infinitely and unselfishly, in any mood and with any antics.

Living together always starts with problems. Even if the new dad is selflessly in love with his mother, this does not mean that he will also selflessly be able to love her child.

Situations develop in different ways:

The new dad loves mom and accepts her child as his own, and the child reciprocates.
The new dad loves mom and accepts her child as his own, but he does not reciprocate his stepfather.
The new dad loves mom and accepts her child, but he also has his own children from his first marriage, who always stand between them.
The stepfather loves his mother, but can hardly bear her child, because the child is not from him, or because he simply does not like children.

No matter the situation, the stepfather will have to improve relations with the child. Otherwise, love with mom will quickly fade away.

A good, trusting relationship with a child is the key to a mother's heart. And what will happen next depends only on the man, who will become a second father for the baby (and, perhaps, more dear than biological) or will remain just a man of his mother.

It is not for nothing that they say that the father is not the one who "gave birth", but the one who brought up.

Why might the relationship between a stepfather and a child not work out?

There are several reasons:

The child loves his own father too much , too hard going through the divorce of parents and fundamentally does not want to accept a new person in the family, even if he is the most wonderful in the world.
Stepfather isn't putting in enough effort , in order to establish a trusting relationship with the child: he simply does not want, cannot, does not know how.
Mom does not pay enough attention to the relationship between her child and the new man : does not know how to make them friends; frivolously ignores the problem (which happens in 50% of cases), believing that the child is obliged to accept her choice; in love and does not notice the problem.

Output: everyone should participate in creating a new strong family. Each will have to concede in something, the search for a compromise is inevitable.

The child, for the sake of the happiness of the mother, will have to come to terms with a new person in his life (if he is at that age when he is already able to realize this); mother should take care of both equally, so as not to deprive anyone of her love; the stepfather should make every effort to make friends with the child.

Much will depend on the age of the child:

Up to 3 years old. At this age, it is easiest to achieve the location of the child. Usually, toddlers quickly accept new dads and get used to them as if they were family. Problems can begin as they grow up, but with the competent behavior of the stepfather and the undivided love of him and his mother for the baby, everything will turn out well.
3-5 years old. A kid of this age already understands a lot. And what he doesn't understand, he feels. He already knows and loves his own father, so his loss will be palpable. Of course, he will not accept the new dad with open arms, because at this age the connection with his mother is still too strong.
5-7 years old. Difficult age for such dramatic changes in the family. It will be especially difficult if the child is a boy. A stranger's man in the house is unambiguously perceived "with hostility" as a rival. The child should feel and know 100% that his mother loves him more than anyone else in the world, and the new father is his good friend, helper and protector.
7-12 years old. In this case, the relationship of the stepfather with the growing child will develop in accordance with what the relationship with his own father was. However, it will be difficult in any case. Both boys and girls at this age are jealous and emotional. Family events overlap with adolescence. It is important that the child does not feel lonely. Mom and new dad will have to try very hard.
12-16 years old. In a situation when a new dad appears in a teenager, 2 ways of development are possible: the teenager accepts the new man calmly, wishing his mother's happiness from the bottom of his heart, and even tries to be friendly. If a teenager already has a personal life of his own, then the process of infusing a man into a family goes even more smoothly. And the second option: the teenager categorically does not accept a stranger and considers his mother a traitor, completely ignoring any facts of her life with her own father. Only time will help here, because it is almost impossible to find "weak points" and establish contact with a teenager who categorically does not accept you.

In every third family, according to statistics, the child is raised by the stepfather, and only in half of the cases normal relations develop between them.

Finding an approach to a baby's heart is difficult, but possible.

You cannot fall on the child's “head” like “snow on your head”. First - acquaintance. Better yet, if the child gets used to his stepfather gradually. There should not be a situation when a mother brings someone else's man into the house and says - "this is your new dad, please love and favor." The ideal option is to spend time together. Walks, trips, entertainment, little surprises for the child. There is absolutely no need to overwhelm the child with expensive toys: more attention to his problems. By the time the stepfather steps on the threshold of the house, the child should not only know him, but also have his own idea of him.
No contrasts with your own father! No comparisons, no bad words about the father, etc. Especially if the baby is attached to his father. There is no need to turn the child against his own father, no need to "entice" him to his side. You just need to make friends.
You cannot force a child to love his stepfather. It is his personal right - to love or not to love. But it is also wrong to depend on his categorical opinion. If a child does not like something in his stepfather, this does not mean that the mother should give up her happiness. This means that you need to make an effort and find the cherished door to the heart of the child.
The opinion of the child should be respected, but it is impossible to indulge his whims. Find a middle ground and stick to your chosen position. The main word is always for adults - the child must clearly learn this.
You cannot immediately change the order in the house and take on the role of a strict father. You need to join the family gradually. For a child, a new dad is already stressful, and if you still come to a strange monastery with your own charter, then it is simply pointless to wait for the child's favor.
The stepfather has no right to punish children. All questions must be resolved with words. Punishment will only harden the child towards his stepfather. The ideal option is to abstract. Wait out the tantrum or whims of the child. You need to be strict and fair, without crossing the boundaries of what is permitted. A child will never accept a tyrant, but he will never have respect for a weak-willed man. Therefore, it is important to find that golden mean when all problems can be solved without shouting and even less a belt.
You cannot demand from the kid to call his stepfather dad. He must come to this on his own. But you should not call it simply by name either (remember the hierarchy!).

Will the stepfather replace his own dad?

And he shouldn't replace him. ... Whatever his own father is, he will always remain so.

But every stepfather has the opportunity to become indispensable for a child.

Site site thanks you for your attention to the article! We will be very pleased if you share your feedback and tips in the comments below.

Not every adult can easily find a common language with children. And if you need to become a parent to your baby? After all, it happens - they marry women with children. If mom got married? A new marriage is a difficult moment, especially in the life of a child. Therefore, adults, and especially mothers, need to be patient. These tips will help you build a warm, comfortable family relationship.

Our expert - Yulia Shcherbakova , child, family psychologist, gestalt therapist of the children's development and creativity studio "I".

RULE 1: Do not rush

"The more attention you pay to the relationship at the beginning, the fewer unpleasant surprises lie ahead." It is very important to understand what role a woman invites a man to a family: to the role of husband, partner or father for the child? Tell your child that you have a new man, preferably when you are already confident in your relationship with him. And if you've really decided that you want to be a couple, then go for it. But act consistently and slowly.

It is better to start acquaintance on neutral territory. It can be a trip out of town, a trip to the cinema, a cafe, a walk in the park. A relaxed atmosphere will relieve tension. Warn the child in advance that there will be a person you like very much with you, tell a little about him. You don't have to say a lot, don't overload your child with unnecessary information. Suggest calling him by name will make the task easier for both. Do not push the child into a relationship, it is important that he himself regulates the distance and speed of approach. It is better to meet for a while on neutral territory, then invite the man to visit. And only then talk about living together.

RULE 2: Do not shift responsibility

"Do you like or dislike Uncle Sasha?", "Would you like Uncle Sasha to live with us?" Children should not be asked these questions. Such a choice is beyond the power of a child. Decisions must be made by adults, including whether they are ready to live together. And it is much safer and safer for a child to be close to parents who responsibly approach their life and are confident in what they are doing.

RULE 3: Do not substitute concepts

Often it is not easy for a woman to raise a child alone. And with the appearance of a man in the family, she begins to attract him for education, involuntarily inviting him to the role of her father. Unfortunately, this can only alienate the child from his stepfather, in the worst case, cause hatred. In case of conflict, ask your chosen one how he sees this situation from the outside. Tell him how to support you without attacking the child with claims. Believe me, this will help maintain good relations between the two people dear to you.

Stepfather is not a father. He is a mother's man, a partner, looking at whom the child will learn the relationship between a man and a woman, between an adult and a little one, and rely on this experience in the future. It's no secret that good relationships can only be built on trust. So don't be afraid to tell your kids the truth. Even if the baby is still young, he has the right to know that he has a biological father. Children are able to accept the reality in which they are, with the correct support of adults. And deception, the mother's unwillingness to speak can cause anxiety and distrust.

Leave the child the right to see the father. It is important that he has good ideas about his own dad. Remember the pleasant moments from the past: how you met the father of your son or daughter, for which you fell in love with him. If the child asks why they broke up, they will have to tell the truth. But don't go into details. The younger the child, the shorter the answer should be: “Your dad was young and not ready to have a family,” “He left for another city,” or something like that.

If the family order is not violated, the child knows the truth about his own father, it will be easier for him to accept his stepfather. Do not make your child fall in love with a stranger, just as a stepfather is not obliged to love your child. It will be enough if they can be friends!

RULE 4: Allow your child to show feelings

The appearance of a new person in the family is a kind of crisis. It will not be possible to live in the old way, but how to live in a new way is still unknown. We'll have to redraw internal boundaries, reckon with the fact that a new person has appeared in the family. For example: before the baby could sleep with his mother, but now he needs it separately. Previously, my toys were here, and now Uncle Sasha's books.

Crisis moments in life, as a rule, are accompanied by great anxiety and the experience of various emotions: jealousy, fear, anger, sadness, despair. It is very important to allow the child to experience these feelings. If you give them a way out, sooner or later you will notice how your baby will calm down and accept new changes. Adults only need to have a little patience.

RULE 5: Consider the age of the child

Sometimes, to make friends with a child, a benevolent attitude is enough. But children are different, and it is important to remember some age characteristics. If a child of preschool and primary school age is growing up in the family, the best way to make friends with him is to play together. Offer your participation when the child is passionate, or organize yourself. It can be mobile, role-playing games, assembly of the constructor. It is enough to remember your childhood and show a little imagination. Children of this age like to spend a lot of time with their parents: joint walks, going to the movies and more.

Unfortunately, it is not always possible to keep the family intact. Sometimes people disagree - this is the prose of life. Over time, a new chosen one appears in your life, who is not embarrassed by the fact that you have a child and who is ready to take part in his upbringing. How will the little man develop relationship with stepfather, it is impossible to predict. That is why women start to worry even before they tell their child important news. Some children quite calmly accept such changes in their lives. Others may show dislike for their mom's new man. For this reason, it is best to take care in advance that the relationship between a stepfather and a stepdaughter or stepson develops gradually and harmoniously.

First of all, you need to make sure of the seriousness of your intentions and your chosen one. After all, if your relationship does not last long, and another man comes to replace him, and then, perhaps, another, and you introduce your child to everyone, then this may not be the best way to affect the child's understanding of family values. And in the future it will be more difficult for him to build his personal life. Therefore, acquaintance should occur only when you and your chosen one are firmly decided to get married. Or at least live together.

An important question that worries most mothers entering a new marriage, long before the acquaintance of two people close to her occurs: how should a child address a man? Do I need to call him a dad, especially if the baby maintains warm and regular communication with a real father? After all, in this case, it's just right to get confused: are two dads normal? Or, if there should be one, how do you choose one? And these are not all the problems that a baby may face in such a situation. Psychologists recommend not to impose on the child the address "dad" in relation to the new man of the mother. It will be enough to call him by name. So it will be convenient for both the child and the man, who may not be ready to be called "dad", despite the fact that he is ready to build a family not only with you, but also your child, to become your child's friend, mentor, assistant, to invest in him financially ...

It is believed that the relationship between a stepfather and a stepdaughter is more difficult to establish than with a stepson. In reality, it all depends on the age of the child. Of course, with a girl in the prime of adolescence, it can really be difficult (but this does not mean that it will not be possible to build a harmonious relationship between her and her stepfather). On the other hand, if the child is from 3 to 7 years old, then it will be more difficult with a boy. The relationship between the stepfather and stepson in this case will be complicated by the fact that at this age for boys the mother occupies the dominant position in life, and it will not be easy for him to get used to the idea that now someone else is claiming her attention. It is imperative to explain to the child that these changes in no way mean that he will receive less care and attention from his mother, and he will never become less important to her.

But if a baby of any gender is less than three years old, then the formation of a new family in most cases proceeds without problems.

How to build relationships with your stepfather

So, a new man appeared in your life, and you decided to start a family with him. Preparing the child for life together must begin in advance.

Ideal for acquaintance - on neutral territory. It is best to go somewhere three of us and have fun, because the positive emotions shared by people allow them to become closer. But even if the child liked the man, this does not mean that after the first communication he will be ready for the fact that your chosen one will become part of the family. Try to further organize joint walks and trips: to the zoo, to the circus, to a picnic, on an excursion. But do not forget to discuss the preparation of these events with both the man and the child (separately). This will show them that both of you are very important to you. Do not focus only on the child! After all, otherwise, a man may decide that he occupies a much smaller place in your life than a baby. And this will not be to everyone's taste. Give them an equal amount of attention.

Also, a man can visit you (but not stay overnight!) In this case, you will also need to discuss in advance such joint leisure time with both the child and the man (maybe he intended to spend time alone with you, but already at the place discovers that the baby is at home). Try to leave them alone from time to time for a short while, coming up with some reliable reason (for example, a friend called you, and you urgently need to quickly run to her for urgent reasons). Firstly, they will be able to communicate without you and find common ground, and secondly, this will show both of them your trust, once you decide to leave them in the care of each other.

Get ready for the fact that the child will ask you a lot of questions about your chosen one, and about further joint plans. In no case do not ignore them, try to answer in as much detail as possible, no matter how tricky they may be. After all, otherwise, the child may think that he is less important to you than the man, or come up with answers to his questions on his own, which will complicate the situation. If he does not ask anything, but you see that something is wrong, try to find out for yourself what is the matter, why he is worried.

When you decide to live together, let the three of you know that you will now live in advance: it is best in a few months. Prepare for these changes all together. After all, you will all have to live together, which means that everyone's opinion is important!

Sometimes the child takes a potential stepfather with hostility, no matter what you do. In such situations, some mothers prefer to part with the man for the sake of the child. But this is not an option. After all, perhaps when you decide to make another attempt, then the child will be against it. Well, now you have to think about building a personal life only after the child grows up and leaves his father's house? Of course not. You just need to talk to the child. He's just afraid of losing you! So explain to him that you will not love and care for him less, talk about everything that worries him and try to dispel his doubts and fears. If you can't figure it out on your own, contact a psychologist.

Try not to deprive the child or his stepfather of the attention. After all, they both love you and both have the right to your love, care, attention.

To make family relationships joyful!

In our time, a mother raising children alone is, unfortunately, not a rare phenomenon. It also happens that after parting with her husband, a woman leaves her children as well. Basically, the responsibility for raising a child falls on her close relatives, parents, or they are left in boarding schools. However, the loneliness of the mother can also occur as a result of the death of the spouse.

After the lapse of time, the woman begins an active search for a "strong shoulder" to marry him, be it legal or civil. At this point, a number of serious questions arise:

- How will the baby perceive the "new dad"?

- What kind of relationship will develop between them?

- Will the child be happy in the new family?

- Will her new husband be able to accept and love the baby?

And many women, having weighed all the pros and cons, sacrifice their female happiness. And the meaning of her life becomes only the upbringing of the child, which often develops into overprotection. And in the future, reproaches to the child: "I dedicated my life to you, but I could ...".

The opposite pole is, on the contrary, the frivolous attitude of the mother to this issue. She zealously refuses to admit that there are any problems in her family. Hides everything behind the mask of "happiness".

Unfortunately, there is no general recipe for “family well-being”. Each family is unique in its own way, and its own intra-family relations are built in it. But still, it is worth discussing common issues that arise in families where a "new dad" appears.

1. The most common question: how will the child call your chosen one - "uncle" or "dad"?

Most family psychologists and psychotherapists are inclined to believe that you need to call your stepfather by name. However, many mothers diligently teach their baby to call her chosen one "dad". Trying to encourage, bribe, the child with various gifts. And then, with a touching smile, they inform others that he began to do this on his own, thereby, as it were, seeking approval from relatives and friends.

If it is really important for a woman that her new husband is called a child "dad", then it is necessary to constantly support the baby in this, not only verbally, but also with gestures, facial expressions, eyes, and her own mood. In conversation with your husband, try to use his name as little as possible, and call your spouse "dad". Children very quickly, like a sponge, absorb the information presented to them. But what to do if the child asks you a series of questions:

- Do I have two "dads"?

- Where is my "old dad"?

- Which "dad" do I need to love?

Without receiving an intelligible answer from the mother, a terrible confusion will occur in the child's head. The baby's psyche is designed in such a way that it does not tolerate uncertainty. What can all this lead to?

- Some children will suffer from the eternal guilt that they have betrayed their father.

- Still others will generally cease to understand the paternal role in the family, which is sure to subsequently lead to conflict in this family.

The second side of the coin is your man. How should he behave in such a situation? Who will spare his feelings? He comes to a new family as a protector, as a friend, as a teacher. But not like a loving father. The title of "dad" will give him increased responsibilities that the child will present to him. Is he able to fulfill the demands placed on him? And in general, does he have the right to fulfill them?

2. So, when should you start building a relationship between a child and your chosen one?

You need to know that relationships need to be built and created, long before you live together under one roof. This requires a preparatory stage.

- The child should get to know your chosen one so that he does not cause him a feeling of anxiety and discomfort. They need to adapt to each other.

- It is absolutely not necessary, in the first days of acquaintance, to push and stimulate communication between the child and your chosen one, looking for common interests, hobbies, hobbies between them. Spare the feelings of both people dear to you.

- After the expiration of time, joint trips to nature, a summer residence, going to a cinema or a cafe, to a circus or to attractions are possible. Here you can, as if by chance, leave them alone for five to fifteen minutes. To establish contact with each other, without you. So that they learn to build their own relationships.

- at the next stage, you can try to start a gradual move. Your chosen one can spend the whole day in your house, but in no case stay overnight. In order not to injure the already fragile psyche of the child. Because such natural things as eating together already involve creating a new family atmosphere. Even if you are 100% convinced of your mutual desire to start a family, you don’t have to do everything overnight. At this stage, you need to take at least a month to prepare yourself and your baby for living together with your future husband. Be sure to tell and explain to the child the fact of your cohabitation together with the chosen one. Sometimes, it happens that a child may ask:

- Why don't we all live together? A woman will have to answer a huge number of questions every day, and here she will need to be prepared for everything.

3. Formation of a parental position.

It is necessary to clearly understand that during this period of time a married couple should form a parental position in relation to the child. It is very important that this position does not differ from those rules and norms that were formed in the child earlier. It is absolutely natural that the very first months of your family life will turn out to be difficult, because at this stage special relationships are formed in a couple, a restructuring of intra-family norms and rules takes place.

It is very important at this time to pay special attention, not only to the child, but also to your husband. In every possible way to make it clear, to feel the latter, how it is simply necessary for your family, to encourage him in every possible way in the role of the “new dad”.

And in conclusion, you need to know and understand that children under the age of three adapt faster to their stepfathers, provided that his surrounding world remains unchanged (place of residence, kindergarten, his friends and peers). Children from seven to nine years old and adolescents also painlessly accept family changes, since they have, albeit small, but still, their own life experience. And in this case, the "new dad" needs to undergo a personal check with the child, and not just be a "nice guy", he must earn respect and trust.

Unfortunately, and this is a fact, it is hardest for preschool children, and above all for boys. During this age period, a special stage of mental development occurs, associated with the manifestation of the owner. They are fighting a tough fight for the attention and love of their dear person - their mother. To do this, you need to maintain a simple set of rules:

- Sincerely respect each other.

- Listen to the opinions of loved ones.

- To be able to find a compromise in all controversial issues.

And then your family relationships will bring joy to your life, and the “new dad” will be the closest and dearest person for your child.

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Don't touch mom! Dealing with Your Most Important Relationships

“What if the children won't accept him? What if he doesn't get along with them? And if a common child appears? " In general, there are enough doubts. And because of these doubts, a woman often decides that it is easier for her to pass by her own happiness than to solve all these problems later. However, such sacrifices are completely meaningless, because all of this can be thought about in advance. And make sure that the appearance of the stepfather does not cause any special problems in the lives of the children.

Not the same father who gave birth

Women, as you know, are often characterized by extreme manifestations of emotions in relation to their children. For men, a sober and even attitude towards a child is more characteristic, and not necessarily a genetically native one. For many men, the child whom they raised and raised, who gave him their attitude to the world around him, made him a kind of continuation of himself, is considered a family. Apparently, this is conceived by nature - because no man really can know for sure whether his child was born to this or that woman. Of course, in no case do I want to offend all wives with suspicion, but in fact only a mother can know for sure who the father of her child is (and she sometimes doubts, but that's another story). Yes, and in the animal kingdom, there are often cases when the male brings up cubs, in the conception of which he did not take part. In general, such an attitude of males to their genetic paternity is an indispensable condition for the preservation of the genus. Therefore, in humans, since they are descended from primates, such an attitude of men towards children is common and even implanted at the unconscious level. Of course, there are exceptions when the husband is tormented by doubts and he begins to harass his wife. But this behavior is not caused by unconscious reactions, but by external psychological problems of the spouse himself. Therefore, a man will usually regard any child in whose upbringing he took part as a father as his own. And the longer this “fatherhood” lasted, the better.

Rule one: the younger the child is in the mother's remarriage, the less likely it is for him to conflict with his stepfather throughout their further communication.
However, this is not at all a reason for a woman, having remained after a divorce with a child in her arms, hastily looking for a "new dad" for the child! It is good to hurry with the mind here, otherwise all sorts of problems are possible with the new dad, including with children ...

If there is no native father

No matter how paradoxical and even slightly cynical it may seem, the fact is the fact: the most cloudless relations are established between the stepfather and the children when the own father left the family completely or, alas, he is no longer in the world. And if the children are small enough, they call their stepfather dad without any questions. However, what should be done when questions start to appear in children? Some mothers choose to never tell their children about their own father, especially if their stepfather has adopted them. There was no other - and that's it! How appropriate is this behavior?

Of course, each person chooses for himself how to behave, but I would recommend this tactic only to those mothers who really want to sit on a time bomb. After all, when such a child becomes a teenager, the truth will come out one way or another: there will be relatives, friends, and he himself may stumble upon the relevant documents or start an active search. And to guarantee that he never suspects anything is very difficult. And then the mother will receive the result of her silence: with the maximalism inherent in adolescents, the child, realizing that his mother has deceived him, will immediately decide that she has always lied to him. In everything. And then the child will become uncontrollable. Because how will he obey his mother, who deceived him all his life? How valuable is her advice now?

And with a stepfather, after such a disappointment, the child can generally break off all relations. Moreover, he will become biased towards his upbringing, emphasizing that he is not his own. And if any educational methods he would have suffered from his own dad, from this - for no reason!

Rule two: in such a situation, the truth should not be imposed on the child, but it is also not necessary to hide it from him.
Yes, it may be that the child really never learns anything, and the question is which of the news will be more psychological trauma for him. But if you have questions, it's better to answer honestly. Moreover, it is quite possible to tell the child that here is your own dad, (especially if you suddenly come across an old photograph of your father), and now you have a different dad. A child, if he has friendly relations with his stepfather, may well accept the concept of two dads - mainly because he simply cannot believe that the current dad is not his own. Therefore, the main thing for the stepfather is to find a common language with the child.

How to become family

But then the question arises: how can a stepfather establish relations with children so that they always consider him family? First, let's say how not to. Of course, you should not communicate with children arrogantly and aloof, but the other extreme is just as bad: to feed and lure children, lisp with them, as if paying off from them once and for all.

Rule three: the attitude of a stepfather towards children is determined by his true attitude towards the mother of these children.
If a man really loves a woman sincerely, then he will communicate with her children without any problems, and he will not consider them as strangers. But if in this marriage he pursues some other goals - the children of this woman will seem to be a burden for him, and it will be difficult to force him to treat them like relatives - especially since such things are not forcibly done. Yes, there are men who begin courting a woman with a demonstrative interest in her children, believing that this way she will quickly agree to bed or marriage, and there it will be possible to give up on children altogether. In this case, take a closer look at such a man - how sincere his feelings towards your children are. Attention differs from fake baiting in the same way as the concepts of "kind" and "kind": beware of the kind stepfather, who sticks candy, and he does not care what happens to the child. And a kind dad can be strict in some places (but fairly strict), and in any cases, the interests of the child will be the first thing. Even without too much candy. Therefore, do not rush to register a marriage until you are sure how your new partner really treats the child.

And also in fairness, I must say that sometimes a man can really become attached to children more than to their mother. And in this case, when adults eventually part, children suffer the most - because they part with their beloved "dad" ...

What do children think

However, this “triangle” has three sides. And even if a man and a woman love each other completely sincerely, this does not mean that children will easily and immediately accept their stepfather and begin to call him dad. The attitude of children to the new dad is also quite ambiguous.
Rule four: how the children will perceive the stepfather is largely determined by the previous relationship of the children with the mother.

Of course, if the children are over 5-7 years old, it is necessary to directly coordinate with them the issue of the appearance of a new pope. But often children can react to the mother's marriage in a very negative way, and they seem to want them to have a dad. The roots of evil are to be found in the way mother used to treat them.

For example, a mother used to live only as a child (especially if he is the only one), and she convinced the child that she herself no longer had any personal needs and personal life, and suddenly - she dared to think about herself! Yes, this is exactly the perception that the child develops, especially if the mother emphasized in every possible way that she no longer needed anything - it would be good for her beloved child ... In this case, the child will be against the stepfather only because the mother allowed something for herself. And at the level of the unconscious, such a child will have a feeling that in this way his mother is taking something from him, his beloved. At least instead of loving her child, she dared to love someone else's uncle and will now take care of him!

If a mother raised a child alone to the eternal song of singles "All men are bastards", the child will sincerely want to keep the mother from doing this: to live in the same apartment with a male representative. Especially if the mother, all her previous life, inspired the child that men are males, and sexual relations are filth and disgusting. The child will be simply amazed that his mother is going to do this nasty thing! He will interfere with this marriage in every possible way, quarrel with his stepfather, may even leave home - and it will be very difficult for him to explain why his mother needed this bad representative of the human race! Of course, in this respect, again, it is easier to get married with a not-so-grown child: he has not yet been saturated with such harmful beliefs and has not such one-sided ideas about why people get married ...

Sometimes a mother treats her child like a baby, even if the child is already finishing school. This is the most advantageous situation for the stepfather: if he perceives this child as an adult, sometimes even despite the protests of the mother, the respect and love of the child is almost always guaranteed to him. If the new dad manages to be that kind, and not kind, if he sincerely knows how to understand the child, and does not pretend to understand him, success is guaranteed.

... Plus a common child

Everything seems to have calmed down, relations have been established, the new family lives happily, and dad and mom decide to have a joint child. And here a new round of problems in the relationship between the stepfather and the children may well begin.

Yes, we talked about the fact that a man almost always considers his children to be his family. This is so, with the exception of one situation: when he has the ability to compare. That is, say, when in a family where a stepfather raises his wife's children, his own child appears. In such a situation, it is difficult for a man to resist not giving preference to his own, at least unconsciously. Of course, there are men who never differentiate between “their” child and “not theirs”. These are those who really sincerely love their wife and her child as her continuation and, moreover, have a high intellect ... Let's not be honest - while we have few such men.

However, not all so simple. Most often, the stepfather is afraid to discover some kind of preference, and seeks to love all children equally. And this he does not succeed. After all, children are different. And they cannot be equated according to the principle of "more or less love" or "better or worse attitude." Trying to equalize love is pointless. The main thing is that your attitude towards your wife's child remains the same sincere. And the fact that you pay more attention to your baby is natural. Probably, an older child will not demand that you change diapers for him too. Another thing is that in such a situation, the mother may have “big eyes out of fear,” and she, under the pressure of her own problems and neighbors' instigations, will fear in advance that her husband will treat the “step-child” worse. And in advance he begins to unjustifiably “compensate” for this with blind demonstrative love for “his own”, sometimes ignoring the common child. Of course, a man cannot look at it calmly: in his eyes, the situation looks like the mother loves her child more than she does in common - perhaps because she has already stopped loving him, her new husband ... Similar thoughts can appear in a man. more than once, and he will begin to “protect” the younger, giving him a portion of love from himself ... In general, in the end it turns out that everyone caresses his own, but in general, agreement never comes. And the family as such is practically gone.

Rule five: if a common child is born in a family, do not strive to love all children equally. It's impossible. And in relation to love for children, “harmony can not be believed with algebra” - the arithmetic principles of accounting for love do not work.

The attitude towards the step-child is often improved by the adoption procedure: when now it seems like everyone is our own. But you cannot impose adoption on a stepfather, even if the child really wants it. This should happen, if not against both parties concerned.

Here is my dear daddy

Sometimes the stepfather's situation is not easy at all: not only do you have to not spoil the relationship with your wife, not only do you need to find an approach to her children, and even the wife's ex-husband periodically appears on the horizon! And it would be okay if he just appeared - but no, he is actively trying to ruin her new family life.

This happens if the couple divorced, but did not separate. That is, emotionally, they are still significant to each other - even if in a negative sense. And if a woman gets married, her ex-husband, even if he left her himself, begins to interfere with her only if he himself has not found new happiness, he feels abandoned and embittered by the whole world and, first of all, by his ex-wife. How can she be happy, but he is not? And deprived of his own life, such a would-be husband begins to actively destroy someone else's. And he often chooses not the cleanest way. Using his paternal right to communicate with children, such a dad uses them to sort things out with his ex-wife - on the principle of that very kind dad. When meeting with children or taking them for the weekend, he tirelessly tells them what a bad mother their mother is, what a loose woman she is ... In general, he pours a hefty tub of mud on the children’s heads. And the stepfather gets it - not less, and sometimes more. He is, they say, a tormentor and a sadist, he offends poor children, he deceived mother, but both of them are good ... Of course, it is difficult for children to understand all this verbal flow - especially, to be honest, if, on the other hand, mother is involved in this duel ... But be that as it may, the children are faced with the fact of comparing their stepfather and father. Which one of them is considered a dad?

The task of the stepfather in this situation is in no way to try to “pull the blanket over himself,” watering his own dad in the same way. Do not try to outmaneuver your former parent in giving gifts to children - they feel the insincerity of such gifts. Your advantage is that you are much more with children than your own father. And if you do not denigrate their own father in the eyes of children; if you just explain to the child that you love his mother, which means that he is not a stranger to you; if you manage to behave with dignity, then you will not be the loser. Do not start a war with your own dad for children's love - no one will win this war, including the children themselves.

However, native dads do not always behave so ugly. Sometimes they keep their manhood and offer help to children, including material help. And here the stepfather does not need to take an offended posture - excessive pride is also not an assistant to the cause.

Rule six: the main task of a stepfather and a father is to become not rivals, but cold-blooded business partners in raising a child.

No emotion is allowed, as in real business. You now have common dividends - the health and happiness of your children.

Fathers and daughters

Another trap for the stepfather is the relationship with the child of the opposite sex. That is, with a girl. There is an opinion that boys are more often in conflict with their stepfather. Just the opposite! If the stepfather managed to find an approach to the boy without excessive lisping, a guy who especially feels a lack of male communication will appreciate it. Moreover, at the age of 11-15, children begin to crave their own sex and rejection of the opposite. It is due to this that boys are drawn to men (and conflicts with their mothers begin), and girls to women. And because of this, a teenage girl may not perceive someone else's man as a father: for the time being, she generally perceives all boys and men as enemies. Sometimes a girl, especially when she began to need the attention of her mother, is simply afraid that this man will take her mother away from her. There is only one way out - to convince the girl (she is already old enough) that love for a husband and for a child are two different loves, and arithmetic is again powerless here.

However, the stepfather should be on his guard. Because a girl, if her mother got married “against her will,” can provoke conflicts with the new dad herself. And it would be fine if she simply did not actively listen to him - this is not so bad. Sometimes the girls slander their stepfather to their mother, and the range of accusations is very different: from deprivation of food to sexual harassment.

Such conflicts can be with the father. Therefore, the fact that the stepfather is not native does not matter here. This only aggravates the situation of the stepfather: knowing that he is not his own father, everyone around, including the mother, tends to believe the girl more: they say, what to take from someone else's uncle? That is, if the girl slandered her own father, she would be in for a lie, and in her conflicts with her stepfather, the “unfortunate orphan” will almost always sympathize. Of course, I do not defend all my stepfathers at once: there are all kinds of situations. But all the same, before starting a scandal, figure out whether your child is sincere or is he trying to quarrel you with your husband!

And remember - love and tolerance will always help mend relationships and create a strong family!