“They don’t understand what is happening to them.” Psychologist on why modern teenagers are so difficult. Adolescence. Why do teenagers handle the crisis of growing up differently?

The most common question parents ask is: "Why does my child have such a stressful teenage years, and why do some children who are in the same class with my child have much less problems?"

Let's figure it out. Let's talk about the individual characteristics of adolescents. Unfortunately, in a modern school and in a family, a child is not treated as a person with a well-defined character, but as a person with intelligence and certain abilities. They usually talk about character with a negative connotation: "Well, he has a character", "You decided to show me your character ?!" etc. The presence of character seems to interfere with the child, especially if he is alive, mobile and strong. Having such a temperament, the child is able to withstand psychological pressure from adults and peers.

Psychologists have found that approximately 40% of adults have a balanced character. It is flexible, resistant to stress with low sensitivity and moderate anxiety. Imagine, 60% of the remaining people have an unbalanced character?! And for teenagers, this figure is even higher - almost 95%! An unbalanced character is also called accentuated.

In psychology accentuations called extreme variants of the norm of character, in which individual traits are greatly enhanced. To put it simply, it can be psychologically difficult for a person with certain accentuations (features) of character to endure some situations, although in other situations he may feel quite normal. Let's immediately decide that an accentuated character is not considered a pathology. With the psyche of such people, everything is in perfect order.

In total, 11 main types of character are distinguished. While there are 20 more mixed types - in them the traits of one character are combined with the traits of another.

Each of the character types has a specific "place of least resistance" - these are features in the character of a teenager, because of which he feels especially unsuitable for certain conditions or situations. In these situations, the teenager begins to behave inappropriately, unreasonably, not like other teenagers. At the same time, in other situations, he does not experience psychological discomfort and behaves in the same way as other teenagers.

Therefore, it is better for parents and teachers to know and take into account the characteristics of adolescents with different accentuations in order to understand what is happening with the child and why he has discomfort, leading to protests, depression, irritation or other suffering.

Here is a short list of such unfavorable conditions for the main types of character.

Type of accented characterSituations that cause psychological discomfort in a teenager. Hyperthymic Situations in which a teenager:

Deprived of the possibility of broad contacts with peers and initiative;

is alone and busy with monotonous work;

subjected to tight petty control and overprotective of an adult who does not trust him.

Autistic Situations in which a teenager:

Forced to establish shallow contacts with people;

forced to make decisions quickly.

Stuck Situations in which a teenager:

Under pressure from a stronger leader;

maybe offended by one of his peers.

Demonstrative Situations in which a teenager:

Feels that they do not pay attention to him or overthrow him "from the pedestal".

Unsustainable Situations in which a teenager:

Not controlled by adults at all;

is not subject to punishment for misconduct by adults.

Labile Situations in which a teenager:

Feels rudeness and indifference to his emotional state;

does not have warm emotional ties with other people.

Sensitive Situations in which a teenager:

Accused by others of dishonorable actions from his point of view (betrayal, snitching, lies);

hears in his address public indications of his physical or other shortcomings.

Painful Situations in which a teenager:

Must mobilize their efforts and endurance (controls, competitions);

hears talk of death or encounters sickness or death of people.

Pedantic Situations in which a teenager:

Must make a decision, act quickly, choose;

is subject to increased loads and responsibilities that relatives place on him.

Conformal Situations in which a teenager:

He finds himself in a situation of changing stereotypes, in a society of people with unusual ideas, lifestyles and manners.

How teenagers with different accentuations show their protest - in the next article.

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Adolescence is a difficult time not only for parents, but also for children themselves. At this time, parents often understand that the rules by which they communicated with children are no longer valid, at this time parenting mistakes often pop up - they understand that something needs to be changed.

We are in website decided to find out what so often prevents us, parents, from building strong, warm relationships with teenagers and not losing their trust.

13. Insist on candor

It is difficult for many parents to accept that a grown-up child does not allow them into all areas of his life. Often they begin to demand more frankness from the child. But it is extremely important for a teenager to feel his independence, to rely on his own opinion. The more he feels pressure on himself, resentment from his relatives, the more he begins to close and protect his personal space: he moves away from frankness, begins to deceive.

12. Violate personal space

Sometimes, out of the best of intentions, parents begin to check the pockets, bag, correspondence of a teenager. By doing this, we not only disrespect the child, but also devalue his personal space, and he is just beginning to try to treat him.

This greatly undermines his confidence in both his parents and himself. It is worth making an effort to ensure that control is the result of an open and honest agreement between you and the child.

11. Ignoring the opinion of a teenager

When parents are not interested in the opinion of the child, do not take it into account - he feels that it is not important for parents, and concludes that he is not loved and respected.

Such behavior can provoke aggression in the child. The second option is also possible: the child will give up in response to your persistence and one day may simply lose the ability to make decisions on their own.

10. Make vague demands

Of course, at the level of common sense, the child will understand you, but it can be very difficult for him to implement the requirement, since the criteria are rather vague.

Over time, this can lead to a big difference of opinion between you.: the child will consider that he already meets the requirements in full, and you - that there is always something to strive for. To avoid this, it is worth knowing exactly what you want, and learning how to say it to children in the same way.

9. Devalue his feelings

Parents often think that children overdramatize events. But if the child does not regularly receive support from loved ones, he feels rejected and closes even more. Or begins to protest against his parents and behave aggressively.

Try to take seriously everything that happens to the child, respect his feelings, appreciate his trust. Let him know that he is understood and accepted, that his feelings are important to you.

8. Not Always Consistent

Sometimes, in order for the child to fulfill the requirements, parents resort to promises or threats that cannot be fulfilled in advance. But, when the desired goal is achieved, they forget about their words or simply do not rush to fulfill them.

But it is worth remembering: teenagers are very scrupulous about fulfilling the promises of adults. If over and over again relatives will say empty words, the child will stop believing them. So parents will lose authority in the eyes of a teenager.

7. Teach him too much about life.

You should not turn your parental authority into a dictate. Otherwise, this can simply lead to either a strong rebuff and aggression on the part of the child, or you simply risk breaking his integrity and self-esteem.

Parents of teenagers should strive for reasonable compromises. Make decisions together with the child, make concessions that will allow him to save his face. It is worth learning to see in the child, first of all, a person who needs to be respected.

6. Live his life

When the whole life of the parents is built only around the child, dissolved in it, this is already an obvious bust. Children, adopting the attitude of their parents towards themselves, may begin to treat them with the same obviously dismissive attitude.

Parents should devote time to their own interests, find time for relaxation. Without this, it is extremely difficult to build the right relationship with the child, and it is difficult for him to be proud of his parents and appreciate them.

5. Not interested in his life

Without knowing how a child lives, what interests him, it is impossible to build trusting relationships with him, which are so important in adolescence.

If you try to learn more about what is happening in the child's life, about his hobbies and show your awareness, then you will earn his favor, you will have something to talk about.

4. Constantly criticize

Parents often believe that praise should only be given for excellent grades. However teenagers need approval in all their affairs. This gives the child strength to move on, helps to experience failures more easily.

At the same time, no one cancels healthy criticism. But it is always worth restraining emotions and remembering what goal you set for this: to punish the child? Express your attitude to the act? Help him realize he's wrong? Or solve the problem with him?

3. Not close to their friends

Parents will not be superfluous to get acquainted with the closest social circle of their children. To do this, it is enough just to often invite them to visit for a cup of tea with a pie.

This will not only strengthen your relationship, but also help you be calm for your own child. If one of the teenager's friends is very worried about you, you can delicately discuss it with him. Relying on your opinion, he himself will draw a conclusion about his friend.

2. Show no respect for him

Of course, sometimes the child becomes the culprit of situations in which it is difficult to maintain patience. But to think that the arguments uttered in a raised tone will become more weighty is a delusion. For him, they will mean your breakdown and his rightness.

If the situation repeats itself, the teenager will simply stop paying attention to you, stop respecting you. What will eventually turn into a closed whirlpool.

1. Spend little time together

It only at first glance seems that teenagers are already quite big and do not need parental attention and affection. Even if you have very little time - let quality replace quantity. On weekdays, it is enough to spend half an hour or an hour together, but without distractions for your business, you can devote the weekend to a joint trip, watching a movie or playing games.

If the joint life of parents and a teenager is reduced only to formal communication, he may begin to feel unnecessary, unprotected, feel hopeless, have a weak self-esteem.

For kids, parents are wizards, they can do anything: drive monsters out from under the bed, and turn on cartoons. Then the children grow up, and the parents turn out to be just people, with their own imperfections. They always interfere with doing interesting things and simply do not understand anything.

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Blogger and mother of two Emma Beddington, in a column for The Guardian, talks about why all teenagers think their parents are idiots and whether this can be changed.

"Are you taking me for an idiot?"- sooner or later you will have to say these words. Nothing to do about. That rhetorical exclamation you've heard from your parents, you now say when your stone-faced child answers "I don't know" when asked where his phone is.

For your grown-up child, this question is not rhetorical. The answer is yes, he takes you for an idiot. Congratulations, you've reached the point in parenting where your status as a parent has shifted from "hero" to "boring fool."

This happened to me twice. My eldest son is 14, his brother is 12, but he has already reached perfection in the art of treating me like a hopelessly stupid person. They are both taking their exams now. I may be underwhelmed by my career achievements (that's what my sons think), but I've never come across an exam that I couldn't pass. I love exams, but my attempts to help were deemed completely superfluous: I'm too stupid to trust me. I am removed from the process of preparing for mathematics and other sciences.

All my flashcards and highlight markers are where my assumptions are that we enjoy the three of us spending time in nature.

My eldest son is cunning in response to attempts to engage him in a discussion about feudalism, and my younger son has made a habit of correcting my pronunciation when I try to test his knowledge of Chinese words. And on their faces now invariable condescending smiles.

One morning before the exam, I stopped my eldest son on the stairs to give him parting advice. When I began to express my thoughts, choosing my words carefully, he put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me with a strange but familiar expression. It was the expression my face takes on when I watch YouTube videos of clumsy pandas falling from trees. "I'll go," he said softly but firmly. And patted my cheeks. Now this is my life.

I became a clumsy panda, falling from a tree under the weight of sarcasm and teenage condescension.

It used to be easier. I was an oracle, a deity, I could work miracles. My children trusted me implicitly. All I had to do was show them a fuzzy video of an owl riding a skateboard or bake a crooked Pikachu cake to see the delight in their eyes. Now they laugh hysterically when I try to do their sex education or express my opinion about Syria.

I admit that I may not know or remember something. And it wouldn’t be so scary if it wasn’t superimposed on my children’s heightened ability to think critically. Do I know what they mean when they say they need to "buy more RAM" or "enable SLI"? No. Did I really ask my youngest son five times if he was going swimming tomorrow? Maybe. They recently had a lot of fun showing me over and over again a video in which you need to calculate the probability that one of the three doors will be a goat or a car. I couldn't understand how it works and I almost cried.

When their dad and I drink too much and fall asleep on the couch to the late night show, waking hours later disheveled and confused, drooling in the corner of our mouth, it only reinforces their belief that we are not fit to be role models. As parents of bilingual children, we suffer doubly.

They really like to make my father and I say ridiculous French phrases to make fun of our accent.

Of course, we are not alone, and this is a bit of consolation. All teenagers think their parents are stupid. This is an evolutionary imperative, cruel but universal: it forces children to leave the nest. When my son explains with aplomb to me, a man with a degree in history, the causes of the First World War, I recall a conversation with a biologist whose son also taught him about the need to use renewable energy sources and a woman who received a lecture on menstruation from her 11-year-old son . We are all in the same boat, and we can hardly manage this boat without help.

Once in the position of "stupid" parents who "do not hit the mark", we can turn to the experience of previous generations. Still, it is a little reassuring if you think of it as something karmically predetermined: you yourself behaved this way with your parents, and after a while your children will, in turn, suffer the same way.

As a teenager, I was sure of my intellectual superiority over my parents, Professor Beddington and Professor Baldwin, even when faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. They named a math model after my father, and I spent six years thinking he was the dumbest person to ever walk the earth. I thought he was so stupid that I walked 10 steps behind him on the street, and now the punishment has caught up with me, and I endure the same from my teenage sons. What goes around comes around. I look forward to the not-too-distant future when my grandchildren sullenly trail behind my sons, keeping their distance.

But what if you still try to do something about it? There are two answers here. The first sounds like "Don't even try, it's too hard." To move on to the second, you need to remember that cats are most attracted to people who pay them the least attention, right? So, teenagers are cats.

In case you're wondering, kids under 10 are definitely Labradors, and preschoolers are the result of some unholy union between a howler monkey and a bald badger.

In any case, do not try to overpower yourself in trying to seem "cool". We all remember how terrible teachers are when they try to pass for "their own" in communicating with students. Stories about your partying will sound repulsive: they don't care if you were at a Radiohead concert in 1992 before they were famous and shared a urinal with Bobby Gillespie. And don't try to adopt their slang. Adults should be able to look decent while remaining adults.

When my sister and I were teenagers, our stepfather spent most of his time reading Turgenev and smoking cigarettes in the backyard, earning our gradual, reserved respect. If you follow this path, one day you may be rewarded: it may be a request to show you how to make chocolate chip cookies, or help solve quadratic equations, or maybe a head that will rest on your shoulder for a while while you watch TV.

There is an alternative to all this: you can show teenagers that they are right. Wear casual and sing old songs, be the jester they think you are. There is something comforting about being something other than a cash register and a docile puppet in their hands.

Finally, you still can't disappoint them, because teenagers already expect the worst from you.

The thing is that I love teenagers - both mine and everyone else. With all their contempt, ridicule and unwillingness to listen to my advice, they are a pleasure to spend time with: they are cheerful, lively and gushing with ideas - the most vivid example of what it means to be human. I really feel like I'm lucky to be around them (except when I feel like killing them, which I would say is 50/50 right now).

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that perhaps we just need to accept their verdict: we are stupid. Now it is their world, and we, with our global warming, homophobia and Brexit, are just getting in the way. Recently my friend Barbara asked her teenage daughter if there was anything she could do to stop being the object of scorn. "Don't be a twat," her daughter replied. Well, now we know what to do, fellow idiots.

Sooner or later the question "what to do if a child watches adult videos?" given in any family. Some of the parents accidentally saw the relevant requests in the browser history, the children themselves asked a question about what interests them. But what is the right way to respond? Advice given by a sex therapistMaria Tikhonova .

Why do kids watch adult videos?
Now everything is happening faster and earlier. Modern children get acquainted with the Internet earlier, and therefore, it often happens that the age of first acquaintance with pornographic content shifts to 6-8 years. The topic arouses interest in children, because it is a kind of forbidden area about which they do not understand anything, and with the help of electronic devices they easily find this knowledge. Yes, we can restrict access to the World Wide Web, but children will still find a way to watch this content, not on their smartphone, but on the smartphone of a desk mate or on a parent's computer. Thus, watching “forbidden” videos by children becomes a kind of norm of modern society, from which we are shocked and cannot get used to.

It must be understood that in most cases, watching an adult video in senior preschool and primary school age is a cognitive interest. The child is trying to figure out how everything works in life: how he was born, what happens behind closed doors in the parents' bedroom, what the body of the opposite sex looks like. This is exactly the age when, before the advent of gadgets, boys and girls showed each other what they had in their panties. Modern children have nothing to undress for, now everything is on the screen. It turns out that this is a repetition of the reality that already existed, only in a new format, and this is due to the natural formation of sexuality.

Of course, it does not mean at all that if your 6-7 year old child is not interested in porn, then this is not the norm. And, of course, he does not need to show such a video as enlightenment.

For teenagers watching a video is a phase of entering sexuality, associated with puberty, the emergence of attachments and the appearance of the first serious feelings. The topic of relationships between the sexes is no longer just a childish curiosity, but is of personal interest. Moreover, we are talking more about fantasies here. The video sequence warms up the excitement, helps to deal with impulses, desires. There is no need to assume that watching an adult video will lead to some deviations in the formation of sexuality. Studies show that teenagers are well aware that they see an imitation on the screen, that movies and real life are different things.

In adolescence, it is difficult to determine the "acceptable" rate of video viewing.. It differs significantly in different children, in boys and girls. Even in the same child, depending on the time of year or hormonal levels.
Yes, there are situations that require special attention, we will talk about them separately (see the section “When you need help from a specialist”), but, in general, this should be taken calmly. Today's kids watch adult video and will find ways to watch it because that's their stage of growing up.

When and how to discuss this topic with the child?
We begin to talk about issues of sexuality when the child himself begins to ask questions. Moreover, this can be a direct question on his part, or a non-verbal message - when the child is interested, but not ready to talk about it directly. It's important to trust your parental intuition here, but you should always ask your child if they want to talk. Do not insist on talking if the child is not ready.

You need to discuss the topic at the level of the language that is available to the child, delving into details depending on age. Of course, there are no standard phrases that would be appropriate to say to a child in a given situation. What matters here is how it is said. The intonation should be even, the voice calm, it is very important to treat this topic delicately.

If a child has watched porn, it is important for a parent to assess their strength and readiness to speak adequately on this topic.

If the parent understands that he is able to build a confidential conversation, discuss the issue calmly and consciously, then it is important to find out what is happening with the child, why he became interested in such a video, under what conditions it happened, whether it was an isolated incident or it happens on a regular basis. You need to understand that, as a rule, this is a passing, cognitive interest. You don't need to get too hung up on this topic.

How can parents deal with their emotions? What really hurts a child?
Whatever the situation, the message of the parent is first of all important.
The most important mistake is a very emotional, inadequate reaction to what happened. In no case should you condemn the child, shame him. If the parent does not react violently, be surprised, goggle, grab the child by the hands or, even worse, beat the hands, then the child most likely will not even remember such episodes, since they fit into the stages of the natural development of sexuality.

The fact that a parent is shocked is a very powerful non-verbal message for a child. that sexuality is bad, sinful and dirty. It happens that the prohibition and protest of parents leads to the fact that even in adulthood, the topic of sex will remain taboo for a person, and this will negatively affect his attempts to build relationships with the opposite sex, start a family.

If a parent, faced with such questions, feels helpless, indignant or disgusted, then first of all it is important for him to ask himself a question about his own sexuality. If these situations and talking about sex make you uncomfortable, do not be afraid to go to a specialist, sort out your intimate life and resolve this issue. The main thing to do is to bring yourself into an adequate state and calm down.

When do you need specialist help?
If a parent understands that he is not ready to talk about sexuality, it is better not to discuss it than to express something negative or, conversely, to speak incomprehensibly and present himself as an incompetent person. It’s good if there is an opportunity to “entrust” this conversation to an adult close to the family whom you trust and with whom the child has good contact - aunt, godmother, mother’s close friend, perhaps one of the adequate teachers or another adult of the same sex with the child. But for such communication there must be a request from the child.

Of course, there are special situations when you cannot do without the help of a specialist.
Parents need to be able to recognize these situations.

What you should pay attention to:
Young children: A child's "stuck" when they are found to be watching adult videos on a regular basis shows too much interest in the topic.

Adolescent children: obsession (the child constantly strives to return to viewing); no other interests (hobbies); a sharp decline in school performance; lack of romantic interest in peers, perverted and unnatural subject matter of the video.

If a child has these “symptoms”, then he is most likely trying to cope with some problem of his own through watching a video.

Unfortunately, the child is not always ready to talk about the troubles that have happened to him, because he is ashamed to talk about it or he believes that he is to blame for this. If the child's behavior has changed: he became more withdrawn, began to sleep worse, smile less, looks distracted, he cuts himself with a razor (often happens in adolescents), incomprehensible skin reactions (eczema, dermatitis) have begun - all these are indicators that in life Something traumatic happened to the child.

If the conversation about watching the video takes place in a very confidential environment, perhaps the child will talk about some things that will need to go to a specialist.

If the parents decide to see a specialist, there is no need to tell the child that something is wrong with him. It is important to calmly approach this topic, and position the psychologist as another adult with an appropriate education who can help.
An experienced psychologist will offer the child special exercises, tasks depending on age (for example, draw, mold from plasticine), talk with him, and if there was an injury, it will manifest itself. It is very important to be able to choose the right specialist, especially with the topic of sexuality, and especially in Russia, because in our country the topic of sex is very taboo. The sex therapist should not overload either you or the child with specific information, pressure or speculate on this topic. A sex therapist should be very delicate, sensitive, be able to choose the right words. And most importantly, you must remember that any problem is solvable.

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If you are wondering why your child, as a teenager, began to behave in a completely different way from that ten-year-old angel, it is better to go to a teenager, and not to the Internet. And try to talk to him. But if he refuses to talk, fine. You can fill in your questions in the search bar and hope that all the answers will be found, and the worries will pass. Mel together with Yandex collected the most popular* queries about teenagers.

1. Why a teenager lies

A question that probably doesn't have an answer. Basically, almost everyone lies. And adults too. And then, if a teenager can receive a portion of discontent from his parents for a truthful answer, then there is no point in telling the truth.

2. Why teenagers do not want to study

There can be so many reasons that it's impossible to list them all. From banal laziness and teenage rebellion, to, for example, problems at school like bullying. In the latter case, you need to talk openly with the child: maybe the conditional Marya Petrovna called him an idiot, and now he thinks that everything is lost. But if it’s about procrastination, help the teenager organize his work to organize his work: draw up a lesson plan together, help him figure out the tasks, don’t set impossible tasks (and explain that doing this is harming yourself).

It seems because a lot of things change in a teenager's life: physiological changes, psychological ones. From childhood to a more conscious age. But it is not exactly.

4. Why teenagers cover their faces in photos

You can ask your teenager this (if there is one at home). But in general, adolescents' attitude towards themselves is often critical and not always adequate. Therefore, the feeling of "I'm ugly / ugly, just don't take pictures" is normal. And then it passes.

5. Why does a teenager's nose bleed / why does a teenager's hair fall out / menstruation is delayed / stretch marks appear / joints crackle and the like

There are many reasons why an adult or teenager may have a nosebleed. The same is with hair loss. This may be within the normal range, or it may indicate, for example, endocrine diseases. In any case, when it comes to the health of your child, surfing the Internet and trusting dubious forums is a bad idea. Better go to a real doctor.

6. Why teenagers are aggressive

16. Why teenagers need pocket money

Everyone needs money and always: lunch at school, going to the cinema, cafes, purchases that you can make without looking back at your parents and without accountability for some little things. Pocket money is a great way to teach your child how to manage money, and in the future not to raise someone who squanders his money and yours at the same time. Tell your child about the family budget, together calculate the possible expenses of a teenager and determine the understandable amounts that you are ready to give. And stop waiting for a dirty trick and thinking that the teenager will spend all the money on entertainment in a dubious company.

17. Why teenagers smoke

Again, a little about the brain. The pleasure center is located within the limbic system (which develops very actively during adolescence). It is the pleasure center that is susceptible to the effects of alcohol, nicotine, and cocaine. Therefore, adolescents become addicted to substances much more easily than adults. So here it’s more correct to ask not “why they smoke”, but “why they start”. Here you can really talk about the influence of the company and the experience of the family. If there is smoking in the environment, the chance that a teenager will start doing the same is quite high.

18. Why teenagers are cruel

About what manifestations of cruelty in question, it is not entirely clear. Putting a cat down a garbage chute is already something not quite healthy. Here it is necessary, most likely, to a psychologist (or at least start with the text of our blogger Anastasia Mironova “12 tips on how not to raise a flayer out of a child”). Or maybe your child has become a bully and poisons classmates at school. And although bullying is a systemic failure of the school team, the problem can be solved. Only for this should efforts be made by teachers, parents, and students.

19. Why Teenagers Have Heartaches

If the question is serious and about health - see a doctor. If this is a metaphor for mental states, remember yourself. The "hard age" cliché isn't such a bad thing. If a teenager is sad, be there. Not allowed into the room - do not be angry. Sooner or later, the teenager will come out for dinner.

20. Why teenagers swear

Firstly, it is easier to express attitude towards events that cause strong emotions. Secondly, a way to show "I'm no longer a child - I can." And look at yourself. If you love strong language and aren't shy about using it, why wouldn't a teenager look at you and do the same. And if you are still not satisfied that the child swears like a shoemaker,.

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