For modern families, the expression "Food is love" can be rephrased more relevantly: "Food is power." Not long ago, Dr. Leonard Sachs was in a restaurant and heard a father say to his daughter, “Honey, could you do me a favor? Please, can you at least try some of your peas?” For many people, this phrase might sound like a sign of a normal or even refined upbringing - gentle persuasion, formulated as a question to encourage the child to cooperate, without threats to his dignity and without scenes ...

The collapse of parenting

But for Sacks, who is a family doctor and psychologist known for his writings in the field of child development, the situation embodied something much worse - the recent collapse of parenting, which occurred, at least in part, because children became suffer from overweight, excessive use of medicines. They grow up nervous and not respecting either themselves or everyone around them.

Ideal parenting or lack of it?

The scene in the restaurant is a prime example of how so many parents rely on their children for everything, as they have given up their parental authority and lost confidence in themselves. They are motivated by the desire to raise their children intelligently and with respect. In theory, their intentions are good and their efforts impressive. Modern mothers and fathers want to raise their children, giving them the opportunity to make decisions. They try to please their children in everything and avoid conflicts in every possible way. But in reality, parents are on the verge of losing all the influence they can still have over their children.

food problem

The dining table is the epicenter of everything that happens. “When parents begin to give control over the situation to children, food choice is usually the first thing children take into their own hands,” Sachs wrote in his book. The "No dessert until you've eaten broccoli" rule has recently evolved into "What about a couple of pieces of broccoli? And then you can have dessert." The installation turned into a question with a bribe offer. Lunch at home requires parents to ask their children about what they want to eat. Variants, for example, can be fried chicken with potatoes or chicken nuggets with fries. You can easily guess what the children will choose. And the parents immediately start negotiating for a new one: “What about sweet potato fries?”

The role of the leader in the family - whose is it?

Parents in North America and many other parts of the world have become more inclined to ask their children rather than tell them. "It's a natural process," said Gordon Neufeld, an eminent psychologist whom Sachs cited in his book. “Intuitively, we know that if we force, we will meet with resistance.” He says that for everyday matters, such as the color of the pants a child will wear, this is a normal approach. But when people start consulting with children about matters of care and concern, such as feeding, they put their children in charge. This triggers an innate psychological reaction, the survival instincts are activated. Children don't feel like they're being cared for, so they start to play the lead role.

Why do children have to become leaders?

So if a girl in a restaurant actually eats some peas, as her father asked her to, she is more likely to believe that she really did him a favor, and now he should do her a favor in return. Food may be the first manifestation of the failure of parenting, but it is not the only problem. Many areas of family life suffer because of this confusion of roles. Thus, what happens during meals serves as a metaphor for how insecure parents have become "alpha", that is, the "leader of the pack", the "decision maker" in the family, the responsible person. An adult.

Change of generations of parents

This self-doubt naturally comes from love. Many parents yearn to raise their children differently from how they raised themselves. They say: “I can't do the things that were done to me, it doesn't feel right to me. I don't want to scream, I don't want to punish." There has been a major shift in parenting between the previous generation of parents and the current one. Much has changed since the moment when the father could only be addressed as a high-ranking person, and when he entered the house, the child literally flew out of his chair like a bullet.

emotional nurturing

However, the evolutionary process is not so simple. Parents try to raise their children from an emotional point of view, but at the same time no one taught them this in the first place. It's the same as teaching children French and reading a French textbook for the first time at the same time. Parents have set themselves a priority task so that the child feels respected and knows that his opinion will always be listened to, from an early age. Parents want to be emotionally available to their children, and also want their children to be free to express their emotions. Children are now allowed to throw tantrums because they are learning to control their feelings. Someone said: "Is it me or do you see a lot more tantrums in children now than before?" And it makes you think.

Democracy in the family

Parents also strive to create a democratic life, where each family member has a say in what happens. “Is it time to go outside?”, “Is it time to take a bath?”, “Would you like to have a party here?” - so they cultivate independence and freedom of thought in their children. While strict obedience was once the standard, it is now seen as obsolete and potentially unsafe. Obedience can mean that your child is a "weakling", which no parent wants, especially since bullying has moved to a new level - from schools to the virtual space.

Are children a minority demanding equality?

There are also larger reasons for the rebalancing of parent-child relationships. During the last half century, the public has come to despise inequality based on gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation. Some progress has been made in the pursuit of equality. Even corporations are now replacing the traditional pyramidal management organization with a “flat” one. In Western society, where equality for all has become a cultural goal and a constitutional right, children are treated as if they are just another minority group that needs to be respected and empowered. “Empowerment has become a virtue,” Sacks said. “Let’s empower everyone, why not?”

Children overpower parents - it's time for parents to grow up

But many children actually "overpower" their parents. And people who work in the field of child development say that this is a serious problem. The functional family unit depends on one social structure, the destruction of which modern society is working tirelessly - on the hierarchy. “You need a serious show of leadership to get your child to trust and depend on you,” Neufeld said. - If we do not have enough natural strength, then we can hardly demand something from the child or put restrictions on him. The parent should always be respected as the superior person. It's time for parents to take back the wheel of their family's car."

Family education begins first of all with love for the child. Pedagogically expedient parental love is love for a child for the sake of his future, in contrast to love for the sake of satisfying his own momentary parental feelings, the desire of parents to "buy" children's love with "lisping", gifting, generous subsidizing of all material desires of the child. Blind, unreasonable parental love gives rise to consumerism in children, neglect of work, dulls the feeling of gratitude and love for parents.
There are several types of improper upbringing:
Neglect, lack of control - occurs when parents are too busy with their own affairs and do not pay due attention to children. As a result, children are left to their own devices and spend time looking for entertainment, fall under the influence of "street" companies.
Hyper-guardianship - the child's life is under vigilant and tireless supervision, he hears all the time strict orders, numerous prohibitions. As a result, he becomes indecisive, lack of initiative, fearful, unsure of his abilities, does not know how to stand up for himself, for his interests. Gradually, resentment grows for the fact that others "everything is allowed." In adolescents, all this can result in a rebellion against parental dominance: they fundamentally violate prohibitions, run away from home. Another kind of overprotection is the upbringing of the "idol" type of the family. The child gets used to being in the center of attention, his desires, requests are implicitly fulfilled, he is admired, and as a result, having matured, he is not able to correctly assess his capabilities, overcome his egocentrism. The team does not understand him. Deeply experiencing this, he blames everyone, but not himself, a hysterical accentuation of character arises, which brings a lot of experiences to a person throughout his future life.
Education according to the type of Cinderella, i.e. in an atmosphere of emotional rejection, indifference, coldness. The child feels that the father or mother does not love him, is burdened by him, although it may seem to outsiders that the parents are quite attentive and kind to him. “There is nothing worse than pretense of kindness,” wrote L. Tolstoy, “the pretense of kindness repels more than outright malice.” The child experiences especially strongly if someone else from the family members is loved more. This situation contributes to the appearance of excessive sensitivity to adversity or anger.
Another type - "Hard upbringing" - for the slightest fault, the benc is severely punished and he grows in constant fear. K. D. Ushinsky pointed out that fear is the most abundant source of vices (cruelty, anger, opportunism, servility arise on the basis of fear).
Upbringing in conditions of increased moral responsibility - from an early age, the child is instilled with the idea that he must necessarily justify the numerous ambitious hopes of his parents, or that strong unchildish cares are assigned to him. As a result, such children develop obsessive fears, constant anxiety for the well-being of their own and loved ones. Improper upbringing disfigures the character of the child, dooms him to neurotic breakdowns, to difficult relationships with others.
One of the most unacceptable methods of upbringing used in the family is the method of physical punishment, when children are acted upon with the help of fear. Physical punishment causes physical, mental, moral injuries, which ultimately lead to a change in the behavior of children. So, every second punished teenager has difficulties in adapting, adapting him to the team of children, almost all of these children lost their desire to study.
Scientists have singled out this phenomenon as a special phenomenon and called it SOOSD - child maltreatment syndrome. In various countries, there are clauses in the legislation on the responsibility of persons who knew, but did not report, about PDSA. Boys are most often subjected to physical punishment. Subsequently, they themselves often become cruel. They begin to like to humiliate others, beat, mock. The reasons for SSAS lie in the socio-economic status of the family and the nature of interpersonal relationships. Physical punishment is more often resorted to in families with a low status of the father, with old "belt" traditions, disadvantaged mothers, and low wages.
The most favorable variant of the relationship between parents and children is when they experience a steady need for mutual communication, show frankness, mutual trust, equality in relationships, when parents are able to understand the world of the child, his age requirements. Less orders, commands, threats, reading morality, and more ability to listen and hear each other, the desire to find joint solutions, arguments, observations.
A fairly good variant of relationships when parents try to delve into the interests of children and children share with them, but some “cracks” in relationships are already possible if parents do not have the necessary sensitivity and tact, are not careful enough about the secrets of children, and do not keep up with the dynamism of children's development , "false" in the tone of the conversation.
A common variant of relations is when parents want to delve into the interests and concerns of children, but the children do not accept this, they withdraw into themselves, because parents do not know how to enter the children's world without pressure, imposing their views, critical remarks "because of the desire for good" without nervousness or prejudice. And here is the paradoxical consequence of unsuccessful parental efforts: "Dear parents, if you educate me, I will run away from home!"
The following variant of the relationship between parents and children is not uncommon: parents are overly busy with themselves, work, hobbies or quarrels between themselves, and as a result they are not up to emotional communication with children, which gives rise to a feeling of resentment and loneliness in children
Often, the life aspirations of children can cause conflicts in the family, and the just upsets of parents cause one-sided hobbies of children to the detriment of learning, the appearance of harmful inclinations to smoking, drinking, and drugs. And although the parents are right, their children are usually convinced that it is not their parents who are right, but they themselves know better how to live. It is important for parents to understand the motives and aspirations of children, showing enough respect for their arguments and arguments, but revealing their own arguments.
Conflicts between parents and children can be reasons for mutual wrong. Pedagogical failure of parents, cruel, barbaric methods of education or excessive spoilage of children can lead to complete mutual alienation, hostility between children and parents.

Lecture, abstract. The main types of improper upbringing in the family - the concept and types. Classification, essence and features.

The social environment is, of course, a very important condition for the formation of character. But equally important is education. The role of upbringing in the formation of character cannot be ruled out, since improper upbringing can cause certain pathologies in the character. Education can be classified as purposeful or spontaneous.

According to the goals of education can be divided into three types:

education for the educator

education for society

education for the student.

Parenting for the educator is aimed at developing traits that facilitate parenting, such as obedience.

The task of education for society is the formation of socially significant features (for example, law-abiding); education for the educated person sets the task of forming such character traits that are beneficial for the person himself, capable of harmonizing his existence.

The first two types of education can be conditionally called "training". Genuine education is always accompanied by a process of self-education.

In psychology, types of improper upbringing are distinguished:

1) "Family idol" - everything for the child. The child is in the center of attention of the family, which strives for the maximum satisfaction of his needs. Such a child, firmly believing in his exclusivity, grows capricious, self-willed, selfish, only consuming and not wanting to give in return. Being ahead of his peers in requests, the “idol” of the family often lags behind them in elementary development skills: he is not able to wash himself, get dressed, etc. It is difficult for such a child to adapt to the requirements of kindergarten. In addition, the constant discrepancy between the world around him and his expectations brings him real discomfort, in which he stays most of the time, which means he does not feel happy. With age, the requirements of the environment increase more and more and, accordingly, the state of the child and his adaptation suffer more.

2) Hyper-custody - All for the child; Excessive parental care for the child, expressed in unusual affection, devotion to the child. Children are in the center of attention, they are the object of admiration, parents' high expectations. Parents go on about their child, protect him from all life's difficulties and hardships.

3) Hypo-custody - nothing for the child; This is a type of incorrect upbringing, in which there is a clear emotional rejection of the child, manifested in open hostility, excessive demands, an attempt to "improve character" or, conversely, in indifferent connivance.

4) Neglect is a child in itself. neglect. On the part of parents: complete or partial lack of attention to the child, lack of responsibility for his actions, absence or presence of improper upbringing. On the part of the child: lack of parental authority, disregard for moral and ethical standards. In the younger preschool and primary school age, there are attempts to attract the attention of parents in the form of tantrums, hooligan behavior, and outright disobedience. At a later age - leaving home, the danger of falling into drug or alcohol addiction;

5) "Cinderella" - everything from the child and nothing to him; On the part of parents: indifference, lack of attention, constant reproaches and remarks. On the part of the child: jealousy for more beloved children, anger, resentment;

6) "Hedgehog gloves" - dictate; On the part of parents: abuse, complete submission of the child to the will of the parents, often education with the use of physical punishment. On the part of the child: sullenness, lethargy, fearfulness, hidden anger. Enhanced guardianship, constant decrees, complete control, lack of independence and self-expression. The child becomes non-initiative, depressed, inactive, and in the case of a strong personality of the child - constant scandals with parents about freedom, leaving home;

7) "Double coercion" - inconsistency in the presentation of demands and lack of emotional contact. The type of incorrect upbringing predisposes to the development of certain accentuations.

If we consider the various types of wrong education and certain pathologies in the characters, then we can draw up a table showing their relationship. Having considered this table, it is possible to predetermine what type of education and character, the formation of which it provokes.

Distribution of different types of education and types of character

Note: In clinical psychology, the classification is used:

And - hysterical character,

Sh- schizoid,

E + V - epileptoid (excitable variant),

PS - psychosthenic,

A - asthenic,

P - paranoid

M - mosaic (mixed).

Hysterical character - increased emotionality and impressionability, thirst for recognition, affective-motivational lability, etc. Hypersensitivity and theatricality of behavior - the main features of the hysterical type of character, superimposed on unconscious anxiety, guilt and shame, turn a person into an action hero who constantly gets into extremely difficult, tragic or comic situations. This is due, first of all, to the fact that the hysterical type is very sensitive to everything that happens around, his excessive cordiality and humanity causes a real storm of emotions and a person is not able to control these emotions. However, people with a hysterical type of character can often show enviable courage in saving other people. This is due to the fact that the feeling of compassion is so strong that it can “turn off” the instinct of self-preservation for a while. Just as clearly expressed in the hysterical type is the feeling of fear for oneself, and for everything around, and for every living being. The seeming contradiction - the deepest fear and the ability of self-sacrifice in reality very clearly reflects the inner world of a person, since in the soul the hysterical type is a small child, frightened and helpless, who is constantly in mortal danger. Feeling like this child becomes a “pushing” force, a stimulus for the manifestation of such contradictions.

The schizoid character is an orientation towards inner feelings and experiences, isolation, unsociableness, lack of sociability, inability to experience vivid emotions, etc. The most significant feature of this type is isolation. These teenagers are not very attracted to their peers, they prefer to be alone, they are in the company of adults. They often demonstrate external indifference to the people around them, lack of interest in them, they poorly understand the state of other people, their experiences, they do not know how to sympathize. Their inner world is often filled with various fantasies, some special hobbies. In the external manifestations of their feelings, they are quite restrained, not always understandable to others, especially to their peers, who, as a rule, do not like them very much.

Epileptoid character - emotional rigidity, a tendency to get stuck on any emotions, pedantry, a tendency to follow the rules. These teenagers often cry, harass others, especially in early childhood. In children's companies, they behave like dictators. Their typical features are cruelty, dominance, selfishness. In the group of children they control, such teenagers establish their rigid, almost terrorist orders, and their personal power in such groups rests mainly on the voluntary obedience of other children or on fear.

Psychosthenic character. A variant of this type of character is anxious. one of the types of character accentuation. Characterized by high anxiety, suspiciousness, indecision, a tendency to introspection, constant doubts and reasoning, a tendency to form obsessions and ritual actions. It is possible to leave a psychasthenic alone, sometimes even necessary.

Asthenic character - evasion of any responsibility, dissolution and subordination of one's own needs to the needs of others, increased emotionality. characterized by the inability of the individual to mobilize himself to solve problems, lack of confidence in his abilities, a tendency in his decisions and actions to rely on other people and seek their help, and at the same time - resentment, pride, vulnerability in the face of criticism and failure.

Paranoid character - excessive sensitivity to failures and refusals from others, suspicion, search for a secret, threatening meaning in the actions of others, etc. Depression, distrust, a heightened sense of danger that lurks in everything and in everyone around, and hence an acute suspicion of people in general and to each individually, shame in the face of the threat of exposing one's mistakes and sins, fear of failures and rejections are the main manifestations of the paranoid type of character. Often there are inadequate emotional outbursts when defending one's point of view, an exaggeration of one's own importance and a tendency to distort situations when any manifestation of attention from the outside is perceived as a threat to oneself. However, with all this, a person with a paranoid type of character is in dire need of protection - it is vital for him that his "rear", his back be under constant reliable protection. The lack of a sense of security, as a rule, leads to very serious problems, since in such people the instinct for self-preservation is either extremely heightened, which leads to aggressive actions against others, or very weak, which in turn can cause suicide.

Types of improper upbringing of children in the family.

Today it is known that there is a direct relationship between the behavior of the child and family education. Most of all, difficulties arise with families where the situation of the child's development is unpredictable, beyond his control and is always fraught with unpleasant surprises. The child grows up without the confidence that he can get the support and help of his parents when he needs it. The most common example of such families are families where one of the family members suffers from alcoholism, adults are constantly in conflict with each other, not embarrassed in expressing negative feelings towards each other. But dysfunctional families, with a clearly difficult atmosphere, are not so many. There are many more families outwardly prosperous and even educated, literate, but implementing the wrong type of family upbringing. In these families, such important functions as meeting the basic needs of the child for parental love and attention are not realized. All this leads to an unfavorable option for the development of the child. We are all free to choose how we raise our child, but everyone has the right to know and think about the consequences of upbringing.

Rejection. It can be explicit and implicit. Explicit rejection is observed when the birth of a child was initially undesirable, or in the case when a girl was planned, but a boy was born and vice versa, i.e., when the child does not satisfy the initial expectations of the parents. It is much more difficult to define implicit rejection. In such families, at first glance, the child is desirable, they are attentive to him, they are taken care of, but there is no spiritual contact. The reason for this may be a feeling of own unfulfillment, for example, in a mother. For her, a child is an obstacle to career development, an obstacle that she can never eliminate, and is forced to endure. Projecting her problems onto the child, she creates an emotional vacuum around him, provokes her own child to the opposite rejection. In such families, children become either aggressive or too downtrodden, withdrawn, timid, touchy. Rejection creates a feeling of protest in the child. Character traits of instability, negativism are formed. Rejection leads to disbelief in one's own strength, self-doubt.

hypersocial education. These are too “correct” people who are trying to meticulously follow all the advice on an “ideal” upbringing. The child of such parents is, as it were, programmed. He is extremely efficient and disciplined. A hypersocial child is forced to constantly suppress his emotions, to restrain

your desires. With this type of upbringing, several ways of development are possible: it can be a stormy protest, a stormy aggressive reaction or self-aggression, or vice versa, isolation, isolation, emotional coldness.

Anxious and suspicious type of upbringing. It is observed when, with the birth of a child, there is simultaneously anxiety for him, for his health and well-being. Most often this occurs in families with an only child or where a weakened or late child grows. As a result, the child anxiously perceives natural difficulties, treats others with distrust. A child can grow up dependent, indecisive, timid, touchy, insecure.

egocentric parenting. The child, often the only one, long-awaited, is forced to imagine himself as a supervalue. He is an idol, the “meaning of life” of his parents. At the same time, the interests of others are often ignored, sacrificed to the child. As a result, he does not know how to understand and take into account the interests of others, does not tolerate further hardships, and aggressively perceives obstacles. Such a child is disinhibited, unstable, capricious.

neglect, lack of control occurs when parents are too busy with their own affairs and do not pay due attention to children. As a result, children are left to their own devices and spend time looking for entertainment, fall under the influence of "street" companies.

Overprotection- the child's life is under vigilant and tireless supervision, he hears all the time strict orders, numerous prohibitions. As a result, he becomes indecisive, lack of initiative, fearful, unsure of his abilities, does not know how to stand up for himself, for his interests. Gradually, resentment grows for the fact that others "everything is allowed." In adolescents, all this can result in a rebellion against parental dominance: they fundamentally violate the prohibitions,

run away from home. Another kind of hyper-custody is upbringing like the "idol" of the family. The child gets used to being in the center of attention, his desires, requests are implicitly fulfilled, he is admired, and as a result, having matured, he is not able to correctly assess his capabilities, overcome his egocentrism. The team does not understand him. Deeply experiencing this, he blames everyone, but not himself, a hysteroid

accentuation of character, bringing a person a lot of experiences throughout his life.

Cinderella parenting, those. in an atmosphere of emotional rejection, indifference, coldness. The child feels that the father or mother does not love him, is burdened by him, although it may seem to outsiders that the parents are quite attentive and kind to him. "There is nothing worse than pretense of kindness," wrote L. Tolstoy, "the pretense of kindness repels more than outright malice." The child experiences especially strongly if someone else from the family members is loved more. This situation contributes to the emergence of neuroses, excessive sensitivity to adversity or

children's anger.

"Hard parenting" - for the slightest offense the child is severely punished, and he grows up in constant fear. K. D. Ushinsky pointed out that fear is the most abundant source of vices (cruelty, anger, opportunism, servility arise on the basis of fear).

Education in conditions of increased moral responsibility -

from an early age, the child is instilled with the idea that he must necessarily justify the numerous ambitious hopes of his parents, or that unchildish overwhelming worries are placed on him. As a result, such children develop obsessive fears, constant anxiety for the well-being of their own and loved ones. Improper upbringing disfigures the character of the child, dooms him to neurotic breakdowns, to difficult relationships with others.

One of the most unacceptable methods of education used in the family is method of physical punishment when children are acted upon with the help of fear. Physical punishment causes physical, mental, moral injuries, which ultimately lead to a change in the behavior of children. So, every second punished teenager has difficulties in adapting, adapting him to the team of children, almost all of these children lose their desire to study.

Parents should also be aware of typical children's behavioral reactions.

The reaction of refusal (from games, food, contact) occurs in response to a sharp change in the usual way of life, for example, when a "home child" begins to attend a kindergarten, when a family loses someone close to them, etc.

The reaction of the opposition is manifested in the fact that the child opposes attempts to force him to do something he does not like (runs away from home, from school, etc.).

The reaction of exorbitant imitation of someone (a real person, a character in a movie, a book) is manifested in copying clothes, manners, speech, judgments, and actions. And the trouble is, if the idol is a negative subject.

The reaction of compensation is manifested in the fact that the child is trying with all his might to cover up or eliminate any of his weaknesses. Thus, failures in studies are compensated for by achievements in sports, and studies under the objective pretext of "employment" are relegated to the background. Or a physically weak boy, trying to keep up with his stronger peers, with amazing tenacity goes in for boxing to prove his courage, dives from a high bridge into the river.

The most favorable variant of the relationship between parents and children is when they experience a steady need for mutual communication, show frankness, mutual trust, equality in relationships, when parents are able to understand the world of the child, his age requirements.

A good enough variant of relationships is when parents try to delve into the interests of children and children share with them. At the same time, parents must have the necessary sensitivity and tact, the ability to enter the children's world without pressure, imposing their views, critical remarks, without nervousness and prejudice.

It is important for parents to understand the motives and aspirations of children, showing enough respect for their arguments and arguments and convincingly revealing their arguments.

Parents can avoid parenting mistakes by adhering to the following recommendations:

Love your child Accept him for who he is. Insults and humiliation of him mean an undermining of his faith in himself, an unfair and incomprehensible punishment - a refusal to trust you.

Protect your child The child needs protection from both physical and spiritual

dangers. Even in cases where it involves giving up your own interests and risking your life. May this protective function help you feel big, strong, and wise.

Be a good example for your child A child needs a friendly and calm home, where there are traditions, where parents are honored and where close and close ties are maintained with relatives and friends. The child should grow up in a family where trust, justice and harmony triumph. All this makes human relations simple and understandable, it will create a rear for you, which will give you strength in difficult moments of life.

Play with your child Child development takes time and sacrifice. A child understands you better if you play with him the way he likes it, if you take his games seriously, accepting his worldview in communication with him. It may be that thanks to this you will be able to relive the best moments of your childhood, drawing a new lesson from them.

Work with your child The child needs your help with his or her work and needs to be able to take part in your work. To make it easier for him in later life, he must learn to do all the housework that you know how to do. Joint activities will help him master the skills and become useful to you in this work.

Help your child to experience life. Independence of actions forms the basis for acquiring life experience. Even when this process is painful. The child perceives only what he was able to directly experience. Therefore, give him the opportunity to develop based on his own experience, even if it is associated with a certain risk. An overprotected and well-to-do child who is constantly protected from all sorts of dangers can become socially disabled, and you will have to continue to take care of him even when you yourself need his support.

Show the child the possibilities of human freedom and its limits Parents should strive to open the child the possibilities of developing his personality, show him the starting point on the path to self-improvement and development. However, it should be understood that each person, performing his actions and building

line of conduct, must recognize and comply with certain restrictions, reckon with agreements and norms both in the family circle, among friends, and in society. By creating the opportunity for a child to improve in ways other than those that you yourself have gone through, you expand your own worldview and create the future with your own hands.

Teach your child to be independent; instill in him the skill of yielding with dignity Parents should monitor the behavior of the child and guide him in such a way that he does not harm himself or others. Recognition of one's own powerlessness, leaving, choosing a different path is the right of everyone, including your own child. As parents, you have something to be proud of if a child can give in calmly and with dignity.

Expect from the child only those judgments and assessments that he is able to express. The child's concepts and his activities are determined by the age characteristics of his development and maturation, as well as the life experience at his disposal. It will take a long time before the child learns to navigate in this complex world. The personal opinion of the child and the readiness for its practical implementation can be expected by the parents only when the child acquires such abilities. In this case, one should reckon with his own view of things and take into account the age of the child. You will certainly discover a lot of interesting things if you try to look at things the way your child sees them.

Create an unforgettable experience for your child The soul of a child, like an adult, is fed by emotions that allow him to get acquainted with the lives of other people and the world around him. Family anniversaries and celebrations form the basis of such memories. Bring the alternation of sensations of weekdays and weekends into your child's life, let him enjoy the change of seasons, take part in hiking. Overcoming oneself in sports, empathy with the heroes of books and theatrical performances help the child to accumulate emotional experience.

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Procreation is the main evolutionary task of mankind. Instinctively, we all strive to recreate our own kind, so that the race will continue in the new generation. Despite the natural instinct, the development of civilization, its improvement, the comfort of human life depends not only on the number of people, but also on the quality.

A person lives, performs actions, thinks according to a certain pattern laid down by the previous generation.

Show me your family and I'll tell you who you are.

Despite external and some internal differences, the family has a tremendous influence on the formation of personality and determines its future life. All relationships of a person with the surrounding world of things and people are built on the basis of values, principles, spiritual and cultural levels laid down by the family.

For this reason, the study of parenting styles in the family, the causes and consequences of the introduction of each is so important. And not only within a particular family, but also across the country, humanity as a whole.

Raising a child is an investment. By investing feelings, time, material resources in their child, parents strive to get a good, right person who will be happy.

Despite the sincere desire for the best, adults make a lot of pedagogical mistakes that distort intra-family relationships and the adult life of the child.

Every family carries a certain type of parenting. Most patterns are passed down from generation to generation, so it is easy to determine a child's behavior pattern in the future.

It is knowledge about each type of improper upbringing that will help protect parents from mistakes that will have a destructive effect on life and relationships both now and in the future.

Types of wrong parenting is a conventional name for identifying wrong educational steps that will lead to terrible consequences. In the article we will consider how such upbringing is manifested in relation to the child. We also offer advice to parents, which in 79% will help correct the situation before it's too late.

Hypocustody

Parents pay attention to the satisfaction of the external (visible) needs of the child: food, shelter, perhaps clothing. Internal (heartfelt warmth, love, support, interest) are ignored. Therefore, the child feels unnecessary and lonely. Adults behave as if the child does not exist in their family.

How does it manifest

• Lack of interest in the life of the baby;
• The child is not hugged, kissed, there is no tactile contact;
• The kid is left to himself, he is not taken care of;
• He solves problems and difficulties himself;
• No time is wasted on games, conversations, joint rest;
• Adults do not have information about the child: favorite color, dreams, fears, achievements.

What does it lead to

1. Formation of a complex of uselessness;
2. Lack of self-esteem;
3. Closure;
4. Anxiety and fear of the future;
5. The need to prove to others their significance and existence, often by destructive methods: conflict, aggressiveness;
6. Escape from loneliness and depreciation to the world of illusions: drugs, alcohol, gambling;
7. Difficulties in building relationships with people: avoiding responsibility, making decisions, inability to support and empathize with others or attitude " I do what I want and you don't tell me».

Hypo-care forms in the child a persistent feeling of his insignificance, which he later seeks to compensate for at the expense of other people, choosing the wrong methods.

How to fix the situation

• Time only for the child, when adults play only with the baby, without being distracted by other things;
• Genuine interest in life: how are things at school, what kind of friends and why, problems and worries, needed help or advice;
• Talk about warm feelings for the child every day and hug (touch) as often as possible;
• Don't dismiss questions or problems, don't laugh at things that are insignificant from your point of view;
• Praise and encourage, creating a sense of significance and success;
• Make a list of clear rules and regulations for the child (daily routine, household chores, etc.). This builds discipline and responsibility.

Lack of time, fatigue, problems and adult conflicts are not an excuse, but only an indication that you need to make a decision and set the right priorities. Your problems will be solved sooner or later, and the consequences of hypoprotection will accompany the child all his life.

Overprotection

The overprotective type of upbringing is characterized by the position of adults “ the child is small, so you have to do everything instead of him”. This attitude towards the child often occurs in families where the baby was expected too long or the pregnancy was difficult. Parents have invested so much in waiting that they cannot afford anything to happen to the child. Therefore, they indulge all the whims of the child, blow off dust particles from him.

What does it lead to

• and when the child is used to the fact that everything is decided and presented for him;
• Irresponsibility: decisions are made by adults, which means they are responsible;
• Inability to serve oneself: clean, wash, iron;
• Inability to compassion: the child is accustomed to taking into account only his interests, and not others;
• Inability to accept an alternative and hear a refusal.

It is problematic for a person who is overprotected by parents to live independently, build relationships and make career breakthroughs, since there is no skill to overcome, purposefulness, self-confidence.

How to avoid consequences

1. First of all, understand that a child is a person who will sooner or later be left without you. The task of adults is to make every effort to teach him to cope with his life on his own.
2. Distribute responsibilities: each family member should do something around the house, including your child. This removes the question of the exclusivity of the child's position in the family.
3. Let's have the opportunity to do on our own what is possible according to age: make the bed, do homework or go to the store. It is independent actions that form self-confidence and the desire to do more;
4. Don't control every step. The child himself must learn to make algorithms of actions and be responsible for them.

Get on with your life. Hyper-custody arises due to the lack of an adult's own life. Show interest in something else besides the child. Thus, you will give more freedom to him and fill yourself with something exciting. This is how you teach him to love yourself.

Overprotection is a sign of an adult's lack of self-love. We unconsciously do for others what we lack. Think about it and start taking care of yourself: to please, engage in a hobby, go on vacation, go on a diet, go to the movies. This will allow parents to live interestingly and not turn the child into an infantile with whom no one wants to communicate.

cruel upbringing

It is characterized by the relationship with the child through the prism of strength, often physical. The family system is clearly regulated: adults can use cruelty to the little ones and this is normal.

How does it manifest

1. The behavior of the child is always evaluated: good or bad. Good behavior is not punished as a bonus, bad behavior is punished without fail and with particular sophistication.
2. A variety of measures of punishment and influence: humiliation, ridicule, physical impact.
3. The inability to argue with parents and defend their point of view.
4. Breakdowns of children's aggression on those who are weaker: animals, a "scapegoat" in the classroom, etc.

This type of parenting is rooted in the traumatic experiences of adults themselves. If they were treated in the same way in childhood, then anger and resentment hid, now they go out to the child.

What threatens

Even if, due to age, a child cannot fight back, he will certainly answer, if not to an adult, then to society:

• The inability to restrain and control their feelings;
• isolation, isolation or hostility;
• lack of initiative;
• lack of communication skills and social adaptability: anxiety before punishment makes it impossible to open up, express a thought, defend oneself outside of physical impact.

How to fix the situation

• There is no justification for violence against a child in the form of the level of his guilt before an adult. Whatever the kid has done, select;
• There is no strength to hold back - leave the room and load yourself with physical work: push up, jump, squat. Get distracted until the negativity towards the child remains. So you can correctly assess the situation;
• Look around: there are families where there is no child abuse, and they are happy. Chat with them, read about them, watch shows and learn to educate in a different way;
• If it happened that they could not restrain themselves and hit - sincerely ask for forgiveness, because there are no excuses for the act. So you teach the child that there are mistakes and you can forgive;

Get rid of the habit of evaluating the behavior of the child: there is an act, but there are consequences. And what is good and useful for an adult may not be so for a baby.

The unwillingness to change in such families leads to the reproduction of cruelty in the future. The kid sincerely does not understand why they treat him like that. Misunderstanding causes anger and resentment, which you cannot show to an adult. A person grows with it until their children appear, on which you can then dump your own emotions.

Raising "Cinderella"

Typical for large families. Adults, due to their busyness and heaps of responsibilities, cannot cope with the heavy burden and are looking for a suitable option for help. Most often, one of the children, the most timid, responsible and unloved, becomes such an assistant. He takes on the responsibilities of adults. Such a kid sincerely believes that his help will allow parents to see how wonderful and good he is.

The reason for such upbringing in the family is the inability of adults to take responsibility, therefore, in such families, adult roles are played by children.

How does it manifest

• Parents treat the child as an adult and demand that “adult” things be done;
• The child's lack of time, space and childhood;
• Permanent employment of the child in housework or care for other children;
• Lack of closeness with parents, confidential conversations, tenderness;
• Unwillingness of adults to bear responsibility: do not dump parental responsibilities on children. Asking a child for help is one thing, but “dressing” a baby in an unusual adult role is another;
• Feeling of loneliness in the family circle, loss, jealousy of other children, despondency, tearfulness.

What does it lead to

• Psychosomatic diseases;
• the desire to please everyone;
• inability to defend their interests in the future;
• take on more than you can bear;
• the role of victim or rescuer;
• dissatisfaction with life and misunderstanding of oneself.

The upbringing of Cinderella kills the personality in the child and forms a servant, who is easily thrown out as unnecessary. Don't let this fate happen to your children.

How to fix the situation

1. Relieve your child of adult responsibilities;
2. Don't ask too much. If you can’t cope on your own - ask for the help of adults, but not children;
3. Organize your child's personal space. The main thing is that it belongs only to him;
4. Allow to fool around and spend time as you wish;

Increased moral responsibility

Assumes the demands of parents from children impossible: to behave like an adult. It is important to be independent, decisive, responsible, well-mannered and to please parents.

The personality of the child and his needs are not taken into account. For a baby, this is an unbearable burden that does not correspond to either his psychological characteristics or age.

Such upbringing is similar to hypersocial, when they require perfect compliance with the rules and norms of society.

What threatens

• Emotional instability of the child: crying, tantrums, uncontrolled aggression. The kid simply cannot cope with high demands and his brain "overheats";
• Resentment or even hatred towards those in front of whom “you need to look decent”;
• Role reversal: for example, in single-parent families of mother and son, the child acts as a man, but not a little boy, and must show masculinity and take care of the mother;
• Unwillingness to start a family and have children in the future, because it is too hard;
• Lack of understanding of one's inner world and needs;
• Duplicity.

Parents use this type of upbringing because the "picture" of a good family is important to them. It is the desire to appear to be prosperous, successful, ideal parents who should raise an ideal child: honest, reserved, punctual, never dirty and not wanting anything.

How to avoid

1. Don't strive for perfection: you are human, so mistakes are normal. It is important to live in a way that suits, conveniently and comfortably, and not for show.
2. Do not demand unbearable things from the child: he is small and is only learning. Demonstrate by your example what is bad and good, and not by lectures about morality and the child’s inconsistency with ideals.
3. Get rid of the standards the child must...»;
4. Try to be a child yourself. Often people who can't afford childishness forbid it to their children.

Anxious and suspicious type

Anxious and suspicious upbringing is a constant anxiety that something should not happen.

How does it manifest

• Control over every step of the child;
• The need to be accountable to adults for actions and time spent away from home;
• Coordination with parents of their life and plans;
• The choice for the child: with whom to be friends, where and what to study, what to wear, what hairstyle to wear.

Often parents do not realize the damage they cause to the psyche of a small person. And the child subsequently grows up with the following characteristics:

1. Suspicious;
2. Anxious;
3. Does not trust the world and others;
4. Afraid to take initiative and take risks.

Anxiety for the health and future of the child arises due to the fact that the baby went at a great price (for many years it did not work out, unsuccessful pregnancies before his birth, etc.) or from mature parents who understand the imminent departure. Anxiety is manifested in excess and in such a way that the child does not have the resources to learn how to cope with difficulties: he is either protected, or warned, or decided for him.

How to fix the situation

1. Let go child. This does not mean that the end of care and worries, but let him make mistakes and solve problems.
2. Do not follow the child, give the right to choose and make decisions.
3. Do not climb into the soul, every person has secrets. Your child is no exception.

egocentric parenting

It manifests itself in relation to the child as to a small deity. Parents in every possible way indulge, indulge, assure the baby of his supersignificance. The child occupies a central place in the family to the detriment of the needs and interests of adults.

Consequences of upbringing

1. The inability of the child to cope with decisions and accept refusal;
2. Concentration on oneself and one's exclusivity;
3. Inability to communicate and build relationships with other people;
4. Callousness, personal accentuations, ;
5. Inability to overcome difficulties.

The reason for choosing just such a model is often the long wait for the birth of a child or the unpreparedness of parents for the appearance of a baby, pedagogical ignorance.

To avoid the consequences,

• Separate the concepts of “need” and “want”. Do not indulge the whims of the child;
• Refuse those requests and wishes that are not vital or can wait. Speak clearly and do not feel sorry for the baby that he has to hear a refusal;
• Do not blame yourself for your refusal, because this teaches the child to respect other people and their boundaries, opportunities;
• Do not encourage self-centeredness with the words: " you are the most important in the family», « only for you we live and breathe»;
• Have your interests and make time for them.

contradictory

This type is complex and most dysfunctional. It is characterized by different positions of the parents regarding the correct type. Mom is of the same opinion, dad is bending his own line.

The inconsistency of positions leads to an educational collapse, when one parent demands one thing, the other the opposite. Such a scheme adversely affects the psyche of the child, since he does not understand what they want from him.

Parents are significant adults in the eyes of children. Their commands, views and demands are correct and carried out. But what if the teams are different? The child's brain is not able to withstand such stress.

What threatens the contradiction in education

• Tantrums, emotional breakdowns;
• Immunity to information (why delve into it if it can change in a minute);
• restlessness;
• Parental manipulation;
• Capriciousness, infantilism, resentment.

The reason for the conflict on the subject of education lies in the relations of the parents themselves, unable to agree among themselves. The child acts as a bargaining chip, which everyone manipulates as he wants. This is the infantilism of an adult couple, the inability to go beyond their conflicts and claims. The interests of the child are often not taken into account.

The consequences of conflicting upbringing can be avoided only by seeking consensus on your own or with the help of psychological counseling.

Parenting as "head of the family"

Inherent in single-parent families, where the mother stayed with her son after the departure of the man. The mother unconsciously transfers all the functions of a man to the boy, demands and behaves accordingly.

How does it manifest

• Control over the boy's personal life, his pastime for other girls;
• Excessive attention to the boy;
• Demands for attention and tenderness to oneself;
• The imposition of the obligation to financially provide for the family, to bear responsibility.

Substitution leads to sad consequences when a man subsequently cannot build his personal life and create a family, because his mother does not like anyone. On a subconscious level, mom does not want to lose the "man" in her life.

symbiotic

This type is common among single-parent families "mother-child".

Symbiosis is a relationship in which the adult does not separate himself from the child and vice versa. It seems that mother and baby are one.

Replicas " We went to the street», « We have done lessons”demonstrate the absence of a separation of I-mother and I-child. This is an unconscious desire to stay with the child forever, regardless of his growing up and potential departure into adulthood.

What threatens education

1. Inability to make decisions;
2. Lack of independence;
3. Dependence on the opinions, wishes, views of the mother and other people;
4. Lack of self-esteem;
5. Apathy for life.

How does it manifest

• Instructions on what to do and when;
• Control over the life of a child;
• Downplaying a child's abilities;
• Making fun of manifestations of independence or creating conditions under which it is impossible to show it in principle;
• Substituting your child's needs.

This way of education arises due to the inability of the parent to give freedom to the child and see him as a separate person. An adult has already determined how his child will grow up, what he should do and what he wants. The baby has no chance to show dissent or disagreement with the mother.

With this approach, it is important to seek the help of a professional psychologist who will help to get to the bottom of the true reasons for the need for symbiosis with a child.

In everyday life, you should ask yourself the question: Who needs a child like that? Me or him?» The answer “to me” means the need to leave the baby alone and take care of your life and self-development.

Deliberate deprivation of love

A variant of destructive upbringing, in which for any violation of the rules or oversight, the child is deprived of attention, care and love. " You are a bad boy, I don't like you like that” is often said by parents who use the deprivation of love as punishment for misbehavior. Unfortunately, parents make two mistakes:

1. They do not satisfy the basic need of the baby for love, which leads to a feeling of helplessness, self-doubt, anxiety in front of the world and people.
2. They do not separate personality and actions, when an automatically wrong act implies a bad characterization of the child in general.

Understanding that parents will stop loving for bad behavior leads to emotional instability and constant fear of losing this love.

The kid tries his best to please and do as he is told, often stepping over himself.

This leads to the development of such qualities as excessive helpfulness, sacrifice or in order to attract attention.

Whatever the child does, he must be sure of parental love. Both children and adults sometimes commit unforgivable offenses, but there is nothing worse than the realization that your parents do not love you.

Guilt education

Provides for the desire of adults to receive gratitude from the child for their investment.

Often parents make sacrifices for the sake of children, deprivation, try to give the best. But such sacrifices are so unbearable, difficult for adults that one wants to return. Therefore, the child is instilled with the position " we to you, and you owe us».

Sometimes a mother in anger can throw: “ I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful". And the child feels guilty for this given life.

The reason for this parenting paradigm is the internal failure of adults, their inability to love unconditionally.

It seems to them that the behavior of the child determines their level and ideality. If the baby behaves well, then they are good parents.

What are the dangers of manipulation with guilt

• An inferiority complex in a child, when it seems that no matter what he does, everything is wrong;
• Lack of independence;
• Low self-esteem and self-doubt;
• Fear to commit an act and take risks;
• Responsibility for the decisions of others.

Not to fall into the trap of this type of upbringing and not to drive the child into complexes will help parents realize that feeding the child, buying toys, spending money is solely their decision. The kid is not responsible for him.

You should not expect gratitude from the one to whom you owe upon the fact of his existence and according to your decision.

Disease cult

This model is characterized by the erection on a pedestal of the disease of the child. If the baby was born sick or with deviations, his condition is put at the head and all family relationships are based on this. Parents work, live and breathe only for the cure of the sick. At the same time, improvement in the condition is often ignored or unconsciously rejected as possible, because this will lead to the collapse of the integrity of the family.

The disease is perceived as a link between the parents, who, most likely, have nothing to do with it.

How does it manifest

• All the forces and resources of the family are invested in the cure of the disease;
• The absence of other aspects of family life: trips to friends, fun;
• Sacrifice of parents in the name of the child;
• The illness of the baby is the only thing that binds the family.

What threatens such education

1. The child feels in illness the most significant in the family;
2. Learns to manipulate the state and get what you want;
3. Feels overwhelming responsibility for maintaining peace in the family;
4. It shows infantilism, timidity, anxiety before independence and a healthy lifestyle (it is convenient and habitual to get sick).

Such a person grows up unadapted to a normal life, full of joy, obstacles, other forms of interaction other than illness.

Growing up in illness is an indicator of parents' fear of admitting to the collapse of the family.

Instead of honest showdowns, divorce or serious decisions, it is easier to close your eyes and give yourself up to care for a sick child. Therefore, a sick baby is a signal to talk and solve family problems.

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