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Five ways to the middle of a teenager: "Teenager does not want to talk to me. Thick years: How to communicate with teenage children Teenager wants to talk with parents

Not in many families there are upbringing according to the principle: "The child is all." A very common mistake of parents is to constantly put on a child and impose his will: this can be done, but it is impossible. Parents use authoritarian education strategies that do not allow the child to show their independent voice or a sense of responsibility for their own decisions.

Other parents, on the contrary, practice permissiveness. Studies show that both extremes negatively affect the ability of children to control their emotions and form healthy relations with adults. The best type of upbringing is justice, flexibility, respect for your teenage child and their constant training, and not terror to achieve their goal. You need to listen and respect the opinion of the child, allowing him to make a choice, but at the same time establish fair and clear limitations to maintain order in the house. This article will tell you how to avoid inefficient ways to communicate in a conversation of parents with adolescents.

Error number 1. Too much chatter

When parents say more and more, with a sharp demanding tone, children stop listening and perceive them. Researchers have shown that the human brain can simultaneously perceive only two theses and keep them in their short-term memory. In practice, it takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two phrases of the parents.

When in one message, mom or dad gives several instructions at once, the child will eventually be confused and will not understand anything from parental teachings. In addition, if the tone of parents is alarming, sharp or demanding, a child has anxiety and doubt about the child. He will not want to fulfill such requirements.

"This month you can sign up for boxing, besides, every day you have to wash the dishes, and you still go early on kickboxing. The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you have to help my mother to remove in the apartment. "

Do not tell the child all the information immediately. It is best to smash it into separate blocks so that this information is more permitted. Let the teenager express his opinion on one question, and then you can go to the second.

Effective example of conversation

  1. "This month you can sign up for boxing, and for kickboxing to go too early. Do you agree?"
  2. "Every day you have to wash the dishes, because my mother gets tired after work, save her and his time. What do you think about this?"
  3. "The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you have to help my mother to remove in the apartment. You have no plans for the day after tomorrow, 15.00?"

In this example, parents in each block limit the conversation on two proposals, which makes perception much easier. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not one-sided dictate of parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, and not under pressure, while its needs are taken into account.

Error number 2. Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when the child has to wake a long time in the morning, or he spreads his things around the apartment, or does not come from school on time. And then they use effective, in their opinion, reception: they complain about the poor attitude of the teenager or sharply criticize it. In fact, it only worsens the situation: you give the reason to teenagers to ignore you, because every day you do not tired to the child toll the same thing, and the most opponent.

Ineffective example of conversation

"I woke you apart earlier, because you can never get together. You need to dress right now. Show your diary so that I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to dress and give me a diary. And you are still going to you! You are late, and I'm with you! Go to brush your teeth and prepare your clothes"

In ten minutes.

"Where is your diary for signature? I asked you to bring it? And you did not finish dressing. We definitely be late."

This parent gives too much diverse tasks to a child, and everything needs to be done immediately and immediately. This does not allow the teenager to cope with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent strokes him, making anxious and panic into the fees process. This is the so-called "helicopter of upbringing", which can lead to uncertainty, excessive addiction of the teenager from parent teams. The tone of the parent message is negative and obsessive, which leads to discontent and resistance of a teenager or his passive aggression.

Effective example of conversation

"It remains for 45 minutes before departure to school. If you do not have time to get together and give me a diary signature, you will explain to teachers myself."

This is a brief instruction that makes it clear that the parent expects from the child and what are the consequences of the failure of the task. The parent does not condemn the child, does not try to control it and does not create anxiety and panic situations. Parent allows a teenager to respond to his own behavior.

Error number 3. "Let you be ashamed!"

One of the most difficult ideas for parents is that children do not have sympathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy (addiction to empathy) slowly, as they grow up. That is why the expectations of the parents that children will sympathize with them and help them, are not always justified by simply due to the peculiarities of the psychological development of adolescents.

They are still just children - they do not become on your side and do not put themselves in your place, but are concentrated on receiving pleasure at the moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are egoers, care only. In principle, it is. This can lead to discontent parents when the children want to help them. At such moments it is important to calm down, breathing deeply, and then a calm tone to express your wishes and request to the child, what exactly should you have to help. If you allow emotions to break, it will make your communication with teenager ineeffective.

Ineffective example of conversation

"I asked you to bring you several times in order my room - and what do I see? Things scattered around the floor. Don't you see that all day on the legs, I care about the family, and you don't do anything. Now I have to clean your The room, instead of rest after work. As you are not ashamed, why are you such an egoist? "

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We can all be disappointed in the behavior of another, but accuse the teenager disrespectful. He hears a subconscious challenge because of the phrase "you - Egoist!", And it is very harmful to the psyche and self-esteem of the child. Gradually, Dad or Mom inspires him that something is wrong with him. The children pick up and absorb these negative labels and begin to see themselves as "not good", "egoista". To humiliate or shame the child is very harmful, as it can form negative emotions and the poor opinion of the child about himself.

Effective example of conversation

"I see your room is not removed, and it upsets me very much. For us it is important that in the apartment there is order so that all of us it was nice to live here. All things scattered around the room today will have to be sent to the storeroom. You can take them back When you remove in your room. "

This parent clearly reports a teenager about his feelings and needs - without anger or accusations. He explains the clear, but not excessively punitive consequences of the behavior of a teenager and provides the opportunity to rehabilitate. This does not create a teenager negative motivation and does not force him to think about that he is bad.

Error number 4. "I can not hear you"

We all would like to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do this is a valid and caring behavior on our part. This will help the teenager to understand the meaning of respect and sympathy and teaches his skills to effectively communicate. In many cases, hear the child to parents is the harder because children often interrupt them. In this case, I need to say normally "it is difficult for me to hear you now, because I am preparing dinner, but I will be ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes." It is better to plan a clear time to communicate with the child than listening to him alone or not listen to. But remember that the teenager is difficult to wait long, because they may forget what they wanted to say, or they will have no way.

Ineffective example of conversation

In response to a teenager's story about his estimates at school, the parent responds: "Imagine. They still scored this goal! "

Effective example of conversation

"I am ready to listen carefully to you in 10 minutes, as soon as you look at football."

A conversation with a teenager is a subtle art. But it can be mastered, just being attentive to your child. And you will definitely succeed.

In order for the duties of the teenager in the family not to become a source of many conflicts, you need to follow the following rules:

  • Agree with the child that it will be fully responsible for the purity and order in its own room. He himself monitors the cleanliness, it makes a decision when and how to make cleaning, it does it. Contracting with a teenager, do not forget to identify the framework of these "when" and "how."
  • Try to make cleaning together (everyone takes "their" territory).
  • Try not to order, much more efficiently friendly interaction.
  • Feel free to ask for help. Let him feel that helps you like an adult adult.
  • When it is necessary, gently, but persistently remind the child about his duties. Sometimes a teenager just forgets about promises.
  • Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, co-cooking will be complemented by friendly conversations.

A child manifests such a tendency to keep the cleanliness that was laid in it since childhood, therefore it will not work sharply. Here you need patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with your child, I will gradually go to meet you.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to get acquainted with adulthood of adulthood: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help the child develop a negative attitude towards the detrimental habits, you need:

Before doing something with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse) to him the attitude, to a psychological environment in which the child grows. Difficult teenagers often become unlized children. None of her parents from this misfortune is insured, even those who endlessly love their recalcitable offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and developing correctly when you feel nobody necessary when there are rooms of quarrels and a detachment between parents when there are problems with peers or teachers in school. In admonished children there is no favorable soil for growth and development.

So those surrounding (and first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from the wrong attitude towards him, but it turns out to be guilty in all sins (in the "difficulties" and "wrongness" the surrounding usually blame him of himself).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, it is necessary to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the speaker name "", then it will be clear that you need to change in relationships with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds it. Starting work on errors, do not count on a quick result. We'll have to conquer the confidence in the lost teenage trust, treat him with his love.

Even if you eliminate only intrameal problems and provide a child with love, understanding, respect and worthy advice, the family situation will be slowly, but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts, where the child has still fought alone (help him establish relationships with others, to bring into study and so on.).

To direct a teenager in the right direction, a certain combination of actions is required:

  • Qualitative example of parents.
  • At the same time, both good attitude, and tough discipline from the Father.
  • Patience and mother love.

In fairness it is worth saying that a difficult teenager can also be due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents should also be desirable, you need to try to correct the situation as much as possible.

How to improve relationships?

You need to give the child to feel that it loves without any conditions. No assessment nor opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

The parent must convince the teenager in a simple truth: Mom and Dad are the most devoted friends and defenders of their child. They will fight to the latter, will protect their offspring even in those situations when he is wrong. Therefore, with any misfortune, with any problem of teenager, first of all, should go to your parents. Let them scold for offense, but will make everything possible and impossible to pull their child from the marsh of trouble.

It is necessary to strive for the creation between parents and a teenager of trusting relationships. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which are also often unpleasant for both parties. It is necessary to communicate as much as possible on a friendly wave, strive to ensure that the joint pastime brings pleasure to all family members (a trip to the cinema, a trip on a tour and so on.).

It is necessary to be friends with the child, to show interest in his hobbies, to discuss some events together (for example, the plot of the new film), sometimes talk to the souls. Thanks to the friendly communication, the teenager will appreciate your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are very often perceived by the teenagers extremely negatively).

How to establish relationships with a daughter teenager?

Relationships with daughter teenager need to establish, first of all, mother. The perfect mother is a mom-girlfriend. They are treated for advice, she is looking for support, she is trusted by secrets and, together with it, they take important decisions.

The task of a loving mother - how best to prepare your daughter for independent life. You need to teach a teenager doing household, because in the adult life of the girls ineptly faced with a lot of problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, the surrounding usually will not be boring into the progressive comments, with readiness weigh on the young woman a label of sludge or a bad mistress than hurt her pride. The inexperience of the hostess, as well as its reluctance to perform the original women's duties, often cause conflicts in a young family.

Mine Challenge - correctly orient the daughter, explain to her how life is arranged, and teach the girl to everything you need. The Father must provide the daughter of a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, serve as an example for which the girl will focus when choosing a life satellite. Parents on the example of their family should show the girl the correct relationship model in the "cell of society".

How to establish relationships with the son of a teenager?

First of all, the relationship with the son of the teenager must establish a father, since male qualities in a young man can only develop a man. Father must be tried to establish a calm, trusting relationship with his son, tell him how the world of men is arranged, as you need to behave in order to respember others, to propose help in the event of any problems.

Father must teach the boy to male houses. If the family has a car or a motorcycle, it is worth preparing a teenager to surrender exams for rights, as well as to teach vehicle repair. For many young people, the prospect of driving a car or a motorcycle is very tempting, so you should not miss such an opportunity to make friends with your son and conquer my authority.

Father shows his example to his son, what should be a man, what a male life should be. If the head of the family has bad habits, then there is nothing surprising that the son will sooner or later copies the behavior of his father.

Mom, still, a very important role - to love, take care and protect your graceful child. Mom is a standard of female behavior. Many young people in the future when choosing a life companion will take the behavior of their mother for a sample.

Love and care are able to work wonders, they can save any family to fix the most difficult relationship. Do not lower your hands in a difficult situation, look for the way out of both yourself and with the help of specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.). Dare, and you will succeed!

Also, parents of adolescent are also recommended to read the article. An interesting article, among other things, contains a detailed example of a quick and painless teaching of a child from a bad habit (scattering dirty socks on the room). In the same way, you can act in other cases. Mama these tips will also be useful.

If you need a psychologist or psychotherapist consultation, then you are here.

Comments

    Nina (paid advice):

    These are all the right words, everything is much more complicated in life. How to survive a teenager at 16, if dad has a different family and all the attempts of the father affect the education of the son are accepted "in the bayonets", and the mother does not have enough strength to raise two teenage sons!

  • Hope:

    Hello. Tell me, please, how to behave with a daughter of 14 years old, who are constantly talking about the order in the room, it agrees, sleeping dirty things in the corners and cabinets, and one day, when I grabbed these things on the middle of the room, left home and Returned in an hour. I do not answer questions, grieved. What to do?

  • Alexandra (paid advice):

    Please advise what to do? My daughter 16 years when trying to talk to her constantly one rudeness and negative how to find a common language was already lying everything and in bad and in good things live in his world and there is no one to go there either dad either mom. It's good and on this all at all does not refuse, it doesn't get out of the room only for the needs, there are no girlfriends, it's not going to walk now the diet came up with anything really not eating already very thin and continues

    • Elena Lostkov:

      Hello, Alexander. Try to find the key to your daughter's heart. Each of us has any hobbies. Someone loves rock, someone fishing, someone embroidery. It often happens that a person reluctantly responds to our attempts to communicate with him, but it is worthwhile to ask him a question from the field of his hobby, as it is changing. We are pleased to tell about your hobby, as well as about our achievements in it. Just interest sincerely, naturally, as if by the way, just like that (at least it should seem like). It is unlikely that your daughter will appreciate your initiative, if you understand that this is another attempt to find an approach to it. For example, consider this situation. For example, your daughter likes a certain performer (Dima Bilan, Egor Cre, etc.) and his songs. As if by the way, tell your daughter something like: "Today I accidentally heard the song Bilan. He, it turns out, normal songs, I liked it. Until now, this song is spinning in my head ... " And then ask something about Bilan or about his work. Of course, it is pre-listening to his songs and read something about it. As soon as you find the key, develop chat further on the same topic. The more the keys will find to your daughter, the better. Try to be useful, render the daughters of some services, really valuable for it. Continuing the topic with Bilan: Buy her a ticket for his concert (carefully suggest your daughter's company to this event, since she has no friends with whom she could go to a concert). When there is an opportunity, give daughters various objects or souvenirs on her hobbies (posters with bilan, magazines or books about Bilan or written by him, wheels with his songs (if the daughter is not yet)). Become if not a fan of Bilan, then a person who is regularly interested in him and his work. Then you will always have a "respectful reason" to appeal to the daughter (for example, an interesting news for her from her idol). What other keys can be used? 1) Preparation for exams. Think than you can help your daughter: hire a tutor, buy books for self-preparation, help choose theoretical or practical material, etc. It is better to ask, of course, to ask your daughter, what kind of help she needs. But if you know in advance what fell on the failure, you can just buy and give her books. And do not require compulsory use from it. After all, it was just your gift. Of course, if you are going to hire a tutor, then it must be coordinated with your child. 2) Admission. Take carefully talk with my daughter on this topic. Find out who she would like to become, where to do. Treat her desires with respect, and not as something stupid, immature, naive. Otherwise, it will be easy to push it away from yourself. By choosing a profession, start the selection of those educational institutions where you will send documents. Advance with my daughter, discuss possible options. Here you have topics for conversations that will be interested in your daughter. Perhaps for successful arrival will have to visit courses or tutor. In general, do everything so that your child's arrival has become successful. It will be your overall victory. 3) diet. Your daughter is concerned about his appearance, trying to improve it. You can suggest to act as adult people do. For example, visit the nutritionist to develop a diet for it, told how to lose weight as possible, and it is impossible. Or give a subscription to the gym, or fitness (first find out if he need it). Think than you can still help her hobby. And implement your ideas. These keys came to me in the head "on the dressing". The rest come up with yourself, based on those things that are interested in your daughter. The girl you are already big, so try to communicate with her on a par, as an adult man with adults, respectfully and friendly. Teens do not like when they are treated as children. You need to try to establish friendly communication with your daughter. And for this, with the child you need to talk to the topics interesting to him, so that he is interested to communicate with you. A more advanced level of communication is "souls" conversations. But for this you need to trust you, could entrust your secrets. You need to strive for this. Friendly communication with the child solves the problem of disobedience, "nothing of the week." After all, a friend (even if this is a parent) do not want to offend; You want, do not want, but the request of a friend needs to be performed, otherwise you risk spoiling a relationship. Do not lower your hands if at first nothing happens. Act as if we tamed a wild beast: it may be long and difficult, perhaps he will let you in a little bit. Do not be angry at the daughter for your unsuccessful attempts: after all, you are trying to "tame" her, and she originally did not seek to communicate with you. Good luck to you in search of keys!

    • Olesya (paid advice):

    Hello! Advise, please, how to find a common language with a teenager 17 years old (the son of a husband, lives with us, learns). "Good and with us, and with mom (she lives in another city). Waving his It is not interesting, except for the games on a computer, it will not pull out on the street. I will do it. I will go home and all day lies in bed. Essentie one, I like it!

  • Olesya:

    Thank you very much for the advice. Intended to think about. Attentionally, "crushed" to the child, and did not negotiate and did not offer anything in return to the same computer. Just added a new family member and we all try to adjust each other, find common points of contact, common interests. It is useful to listen to the Council from the party. Once-thanks.

  • Natalia:

    Hello, tell me how to behave with a daughter of 11 years. We cannot talk normally, often tear off on a cry. Asking what to do happen immediately go will do, but more often when you start swear, since neither the first one does not hear from the second time. Quarrel, we speak, cry, we mumble - not for a long time.

  • Natalia (paid advice):

    Please advise how to persuade the child learns
    Son is 17 years old, after school he has been studying, but in the middle of the school year, learning threw, no persuasion help.

    • Elena Lostkov:

      Hello, Natalia. First you need to find out the reason for the abandonment of study. Teenagers often do not devote parents to their difficulties. Therefore, adults often think that the problem arose in a flat place. In fact, it is not. Teenagers, faced with a problem, often do not see those paths of her solutions that would see adults. The fact that your son has threw studies in the middle of the first school year, pursues me to the idea of \u200b\u200ba possible reason. In the middle of the year, sessions are held in many educational institutions. The approach is the first in the life of the session scares very many freshmen. Some teenagers are so much confident in their abilities and fear to "fill up" the session that they still have learning before the exams. By the way, the same can happen before school exams (OGE and EGE). Apparently, the children argue like this: it is better to go to yourself than to disgrace (not to pass the exams, therefore, to leave the school without a certificate, to be expelled from the university, sseuz, etc.). It is also possible that your son did not have time to pass on time all the necessary work (control, abstracts, etc.). All these problems, the teenager may seem insoluble. Counseling with no one. It is impossible to tell parents: they will swear (not prepared, did not pass on time, but should have). Therefore, a teenager, without seeing another exit, solves the problem radically: quitting. In fact, he would be very useful to support in such a difficult situation for him. For example, Mom, who at one time passed through all these tests, can reassure the Son and explain that the sessions are afraid of all students (even well-prepared), can tell how to prepare for sessions, what to do if I did not pass any exam (And this among student brethren happens often). You can hire tutors on particularly complex subjects. In the end, it is possible to help a teenager to make the required work or choose the necessary material (for example, the theory for each issue of the exam). As you think some of the teenagers will cope better: the one who beats over the fulfillment of a complex problem alone or the one who helps and who support? Of course, the fear of exams is not the only reason why teenagers are learning. Perhaps the relationship with classmates did not work; There is a conflict with the teacher; The teenager understood that he was mistaken in the choice of specialty (too difficult or not interesting), etc. Therefore, I advise you not to force your son, but to find out the reason for the abandonment of study and offer him not only ways to solve the problem, but also your help. If the teenager is afraid of sessions, help him pass the exams. If there is a conflict with classmates or teachers, analyze the situation and, together with the child, decide how best to do: establish relationships here or change the place of study. If the teenager does not like the specialty, change it to the one that he likes. In general, if you want to succeed, offer a teenager as many different solution solutions as possible. It is possible that one of these options will have to do with him. Be flexible, look for a compromise. For example, a child is ready to learn, but only for another specialty, and because of this, he will lose one academic year. No matter how the latter is unpleasant for you, but still this is your victory (you have achieved your goal, the child is ready to learn further). Good luck to you!

  • Larisa:

    Hello. If I do not have a desire to establish relationships with the father of a teenager, because each has its own causes of disorders. The feet still sees the parents who love each other, where they are simply implemented. Your advice is superficial. I think you just need to respect myself, not to give offense. To be above small strokes and teenager, then will understand who of the parents and what represents himself. He smokes a lot, grieves, does not speak good words and does not teach anything, drinking vodka in the evenings, although not an alcoholic, how can my mother protect him? Your advice is superficial, unfortunately. I just try to be friends with my son, respect his opinion.

  • Larisa:

    All these "Sovdeopovsky" postulates have long been outlined themselves and it would be time for you, psychologists to make at least some fresh stream in the discussion of such an interesting topic as the upbringing of adolescents. Why not bring up a sense of freedom of choice in the child, confidence that if there is no love, then you need to say goodbye to the partner, and not blame him, pumped up all your troubles on him, take responsibility and raise courage in making decisions. To teach your child not to be afraid of change and understand that no one who does not have anything that he is silent, then you will get enough! In general, it is not interesting to read you. Sport.

  • Galina (paid advice):

    Hello! I wonder, and how to find an approach to a teenager? My granddaughter is 14 years old, with parents often conflict (one child in the family). The other day she will be brought to us to live for the summer, so I thought. Of course, I will cherish my granddaughter, as it were, within the limits of reasonable.

    • Elena Lostkov:

      Hello, Galina. You can focus on tips that are offered to parents. Perceive every advice as an idea. And then decide how it is better to use it in existing circumstances, and in general, whether you will use it or not. Grandparents and grandfathers are much easier to be "good" for their grandchildren than parents. After all, a large proportion of conflicts between adolescents and adults arises due to the non-fulfillment of children of some school duties (did not sat down in time for the lessons, received a bad assessment, not prepares for exams, etc.). Fortunately, in the summer at school holidays. One theme for discord less. Of course, the characters among adolescents are different. It is easy to get along with someone - difficult. But do not forget that the nature of the child is not only natural deposit, but also the result of parenting parents. Disadvantages in the nature of the child are very often "lack of parents" of the parents (for what they taught, it does; what they did not teach, it does not do). Therefore, I want to say to the Word once again that a difficult child is a victim of some parent mistakes in its upbringing. And to blame a difficult child in his difficulty (as we have been accepted in society) unfairly and cruelly, because the choice (to become "good" or "difficult"). I want to make a reservation that I mention a difficult child, I mean not your granddaughter, but I am talking about children in general (just as an example). Often grandmothers do not want to actively participate in the process of upbringing grandchildren. After all, conflicts with the younger generation are often associated with him, which grandmothers seek to avoid. They simply close their eyes to the shortcomings of children, not trying to fix them, do not make special demands to children. Therefore, grandchildren, being visiting such grandmothers, live like in paradise. You don't need to go to school, you don't need to do the lessons, you can sleep how much you can go to bed late, do not really strain with household chores, do not read the notations. Personally, I like this "policy" of grandmothers very much. In the end, they have already brought their children (and this is hard work), now let the children are engaged in raising her grandchildren. Already adult grandchildren of such grandmothers at the mention of the words "carefree childhood" with warmth and tend to remember the grandmother and grandfather, their home spent there as a child time. These memories warm the person all their lives, help him adequate to transfer vital difficulties. Choice for you: What a "politics" in communication with grandchildren you like more, that and choose. If you manage to establish a good relationship with a teenager, then he will listen to your words, your opinion will have a weight for him, your requests will not be left unanswered. In this case, you may even succeed to put something in the heads and souls of your grandchildren or teach them something. One of the problems faced by grandmothers is the reluctance of grandchildren to help the housework. Here are some tips on this topic. No one (including children and adolescents) does not like when it is forced, poke his nose in his own mistakes. No one likes the communication type "boss - subordinate" (when one ordered, the other did). But many children willingly respond to a request to help if the grandmother is asking for help, which, by virtue of age, spin barbed. If a child regards you, he will be much more willing to respond to your request. The request for help is much more efficient than the order or the instructions to perform some kind of assignment. Because in the first case, as it were, you cooperate with the child, and in the second case, forcing it. therefore do not "order", but ask to help. Of course, you do not need to refer to illness every time. But the fact that the grandmother is already an old and without the help of grandchildren she will have to be not easy, children and teenagers worth knowing. You can talk to them about it once at the very beginning of the holidays: 1) Explain "Humanly", why do you need help on housekeeping and 2) what you threatens an excess physical activity (Feet, back, head, etc.) will be sick. 3) After that, ask the child about help in household matters (This is meant not a one-time act of help, and help throughout the time until the child is visiting you). 4) Try to get it voluntary, and not forced consent to such assistance. Pay attention to the following. During the conversation, refer to specific pain (back pain, legs, etc.), and not for diagnoses (hypertension will play, "pressure will increase", etc.). The specific pain of the child is understandable, and the diagnoses are not (it is not clear that it hurts and hurts at all). Compliant with the child about help, give examples of those assignments, about the execution of which you will ask him (go to the store, fitting the floor and so on.). Even an adult is difficult to give a promise to help, if he does not know which assistance, as often and in what volumes will be required. If some other difficulties associated with a teenager appeared, then you can act on the same principle: "Humanly" talk to the teenager, explain your point of view (try to convince him of the justice of your requests) and agree to the Fully about the result you need. Good luck to you!

    • Galina:

    Thank you! I hope I will cope. I am only 55, so we will be together with the granddaughter "to stupid" !!! Completely agree with you, difficult teenagers are not born, they become with the wrong approach to the child (I can't convince your daughter). Thanks again.

  • Irina :

    Hello, read the feed of the daughter of 13 years in contact in secret from her (on the main ones in connection with the groups of death and it was generally interesting), as it turned out, it rewrites with a young man of 30 years from Novosibirsk (from us 2700km) from November 2016, as I understood , I got acquainted somewhere in groups dedicated to games. Daughter is confessed to him in love, going for a long time, everyday dialogue consists of how it is? How was the day? Good night or I have "Depera" he writes Hyda from the window !!! It's terribly scared, I think how to do it right, I first wanted to write him directly, but I think he will tell her, and this is a breaking with my daughter, but suddenly I am not good Concerned !!!

  • Irina (paid advice):

    I bring up a daughter alone. Stand smoking, it comes late home, talking (they dug, leave,) I start it to scold it, says to leave the house. What should I do? How can you push yourself? Can you push how to establish relationships?

  • Svetlana (sample pay consultation):

    Elena Hello. Help please advice. I am a aunt of a 14-year-old teenager (younger sister his mom). We lived in different cities, but when the sister was born, the first time lived with us and I was nurse. I love him very, always balung. The relationship tried to build friendly, he calls me on behalf of you. 4 months ago, the sister died her husband, leaving the business. Sister up to five on his main job after going to the office of her husband and there is to the very night. I asked me to move to her to help with children and life. She still has a son 9 years old. My daughter and I moved to them for 8 years. I got a job my daughter went to one class with her younger son (she went to school a year before) and then it was replaced. He became aggressive. The kids offend calls forces everything to do anything. For my remarks, he stated me that I had no one heir to him and would drive us out of their home if he wants. I told this sister was a conversation but very gentle. The situation has not changed. The sister does not notice anything, he does not want to listen to anything and of course protects him in everything. And he feeling his mother's support more and more behaves indecent. I try to explain to him that I am here at the request of His Mom to take care of them and help first. It seems to be silent. But after a couple of days, rude again. How to do not know. I can not throw it alone at such a moment. And I love him very much. I do not know what approach to find, nothing wants, it does not like any do not like. I tried not to pay attention at all. So he generally began to relate to the house of a worker who prepared yes, did I stroke his clothes. I'm desperate.

    • Elena Lostkov:

      Hello Svetlana. Since your nephew has just survived the tragedy, then you need to act carefully, so as not to provoke even big problems. 1) Do not get involved in the "sharing of courtesies" on emotions (do not respond to rudeness to rudeness). Each episode is rude to stop quietly, but decisively. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that in such a tone to talk with parents and other adults in disabilities, and suggest a teenager for some time to be alone to calm down. When all the participants in the conflict of emotions will be eaten, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what experiences arose from their parents (or another family member) that the teenager felt how to resolve the misunderstanding. So it should be ideally, but it does not always work in practice. Need to try.

      Elena Lostkov:

      2) Try to avoid conflict situations. Analyze what situations conflict provoke. For example, you have prepared food and call a teenager to dine. And he does not go. You return and begin to impose a claim to it: "How much can you wait?". And he throws you some knife in response. How can you do differently? Perhaps it is worth staying at the first invitation (came, politely invited all this). And the rest (will not come, it does not apply to you. Perhaps you should take this position: I help my sister on the housework and care for younger children, and the issues of education of a teenager is her task. I did not come to dine, did not sat down during the lessons, etc. - let the sister herself spends educational conversations with her son. You can argue that it does not listen to you anyway, and when you begin to insist - it leads to a conflict. Your case is once to remind a teenager about the fulfillment of the next duty (for example, "5 hours. It's time to get for the lessons") and no longer insist and not control it.

      Elena Lostkov:

      3) If you need to make a nephew remark, also do it calmly and confidently. Not evil, not irritated, not offended tone, but calm, neutral. No less notation. Said 1-2 phrases and left. Think in advance about what phrase you will tell him. Neither in your tone nor in words should be aggression, "hitting." Otherwise he will definitely want to tell you something offensive in response. For example, you can say: "Stop to force the little dishes for yourself! Go myself! " (This phrase, as it were, hinted that the nephew is bad, and his act is bad, and I also ordered him something to do). It is better to say somehow neutral: "The kids have their own duties, you have their own. Everyone washes the dishes of himself "(it turned out not a personal appeal to a teenager, but a statement of fact). You see, in the second phrase, we avoided all three unpleasant moments for a teenager who were present in the first phrase. If nevertheless hesitates in response, again, calm and confident tone (without your personal emotions), answer him: "You can't talk with adults in such a tone" (you noticed that this phrase again simply states the fact?) Or "in such a tone I will not talk. " And leave. The main thing, do not let him draw myself into a rewritten. You did your job (I did not leave an act or rudeness without attention, the correctly responded to them), and bring the upbringing of the teenager to the ideal to be left for my mother. Do not control, he washed the dishes or not, do not force him to fulfill his duty and no longer tell him about this particular act (if next time it does not wash, make a remark again). And let him not even come and does not wash the dishes. Nothing terrible, this is no longer your concern. If you still decide to wash it yourself, then do it so that the nephew does not notice this. For example, the dishes of the dishes are lonely in washing until the evening (suddenly he decides to check?), And after dinner you wash it with all the rest of the dishes. Otherwise, he will decide that if not to do, then someone will definitely do it for him.

      Elena Lostkov:

      4) How to be if the teenager asks you for help (I mean some home affairs, and not something serious, associated with life and health)? If he asks rudely, calmly and confidently inform him that the request said in such a tone, you will not fulfill. If he asks normally, help him.

      Elena Lostkov:

      5) Children always feel good to whom you can sit on the neck (weak), and to whom it is impossible (strong). Even in school, one teacher can be lit, and there is no other, since it is fraught with unpleasant consequences. Therefore, perhaps you too much forgot to your nephew, whereas it was necessary not to leave no such episode of rudeness. During conflicts, do not let the teenager withdraw yourself to emotions. Always stay calm and confident. Emotions and kindness are often perceived by children (and adults) as weakness. And calm and self-confidence - as power. So we distinguish strong people from weak.

      Elena Lostkov:

      6) The problem of rudeness and rudeness of adolescents stands in front of many parents. This is due to the age characteristics of the psyche. Perhaps the problem existed before your arrival.

      Elena Lostkov:

      7) Pay attention to the manner of communication of your sister (in relation to you). It happens that children copy the behavior of their parents. For example, a child also applies to mom, as dad belongs to it. Conversely, with dad communicates as mom communicates with him.

      Elena Lostkov:

      8) It is possible that your arrival you shook a teenager. Many people look forward to leaving the guests, despite the fact that these guests are favorite and helpful for them. Try to understand what kind of inconvenience is tested by a teenager and try to remove those of them that are possible. Maybe youngest children stick to him? If the teenager does not like it, do not allow them to do it. Maybe he wants to stay alone in the room? Give him this possibility at least temporarily, taking younger children in some occupation in another room.

      Elena Lostkov:

      9) Try to evaluate objectively as you communicate with the teenager. What phrases to him say how tone. Remember yourself in adolescence and try to imagine, you would like such an appeal or not. Do you belong to him, how to a small child? Are you trying to control his actions (whether whether there were lessons and so on.). Teenagers often have conflicts with parents and other family members on this soil. Teens begin to rebel, as they disagree with the fact that they are still considered small and in all control. Try to give him more freedom and less control. Maybe, he rebetes because you have taken the role of parent (which in itself involves a frequent collision with conflict situations). Maybe it is necessary to give up this? And then some of the conflict situations will simply disappear.

      Elena Lostkov:

      Elena Lostkov:

      11) Well, if you manage to establish such trusting communication. During him, you may succeed in finding out the true causes of why he belongs to you so disrespectful. Maybe knowing them, you will be able to establish relationships with him. But mom needs such trusting relationships to establish necessarily. The teenager recently survived the tragedy. Plus there is a hormonal restructuring of the body. Plus, his life has changed very much (there is no longer anymore, Moms almost never at home, aunt came with a little child). In fact, the boy lost both parents. Mom comes very late, all the tired, all her attention goes to other family members (aunt, younger brother, etc.). Mom draws attention to him only when he did something, but both of them are hardly nimble. The teenager remained alone, alone with his pain. Talk to souls are not with whom, all experiences boil inside, which is very bad for any person. So wants to be simply left alone, since they cannot give what he needs. Mom should urgently shift the focus from work on children. I understand that it is very difficult, but it must be done. Otherwise, it only increases the load of the tragedy, which fell on the shoulders of her children. It is necessary for mom to spend more time with children, and he spent it nice for children: she talked to them, played, read, went to the cinema, etc. It is necessary to express their love and with the help of touches (kissing, hugging, etc. .), But only if children do not relate to this negative. From time to time you need to talk to children in souls. Such confidential communication is the top of parental skill. During such conversations, parents can convey to their children what did not work before. Because at such moments, children not only listen, but also hear parents. Sin does not use them for educational purposes. Just need to put a conversation correctly. About notations need to forget at all. Just both sides must share their experiences, fears; Somewhere you need to sympathize, regret the child; If there are comments on his behavior, then they need to be done very carefully to not be offended, and also need to be explained why it is wrong from the point of view of the parent, to which it can lead, and report that the parent is very worried about That, as it is afraid that the child will be trouble. And all this should be made sincerely, not taller, and not in charge of both sides. Trust communication is also the psychological assistance of parents to their children. Good luck to you!

    • Oksana (sample pay consultation):

    Hello, Elena. My son is 18 years old, entered the university in another city, studying in the first year. Yesterday I find out that he missed classes, and most importantly, I am lying that he is in the audience, is engaged. And then he gives out that he did not find the educational corps. I think it's just excuses, as he likes to play computer games. Now he has money on the card, so I'm being tormented by doubts, will I act correctly if on the weekend you will punish his ruble? Or will it be worse? He calmly missed 4 couples, and I still lie, I can't believe myself

    • Elena Lostkov:

      Hello, Oksana. It will correct to talk to the son frankly, but humanly, in a good way. In general, if it turns out, talk to him for souls. Find out why he misses occupations, tell him about the consequences of such absenteeism and about his feelings about this, about his experiences that the son may have problems due to the fact that he makes concrete things wrong. Try to talk so that the son understands that you are experiencing not for the very studies, but for himself, for his well-being, for his happiness. Tell him that the first session is very important. What is not all tested by the first session, as it is too late to be accepted and do not have time to prepare. As a result, they are or deducted, or they will study before the session itself (they are afraid of examinations and are confident that they will not surrender them). So that this does not happen, you need to take care at once, literally from the first days. Of course, you know better than your son, but still to yourself admit the idea that he did not stroll or walked for a valid reason. We can not tell about our parents about everything. Perhaps there is a reason, but he does not want to talk about her. Maybe he did not reveal with the peers or with the teacher, or something else. Tell your son that if he has any problems, let him appear to you, you will try to help him. During the conversation, you can love to agree that if the computer will interfere with learning, you will have to pick it up. If the computer is needed by study, he will have to go to the library of the university and do there. Do not use some unpleasant measures for the Son (pick up a computer, deprive money, etc.) without prior warning. After all, you have a goal - to correct the behavior of the Son (and not pick up things), so let him take measures to be corrected by himself. Warn it is not aggressive, but calmly, goodwill, like you would not want to do this, but it may turn out that you have to. Pretty pick up for this word and tone. For example, you can say so: "You won't get a computer" (this is a bad version). And it is possible: "If the computer will interfere with your study, I will have to pick it up. I do not want because of your troubles for him. " It is now very important right how you will communicate with your son: in good or bad. When a child is near, it can still be forced to learn. And when he is far from how can it be done? In no way. Only with the help of trusting communication, when you hear the child, and he hears you (hears, in the sense takes your words to note, listens to them, and does not miss past the ears, brains and souls). Remember how you communicate with souls with a better friend. The conversation for both of both is pleasant, without straining. You both hear and understand the feelings and experiences of each other. Your souls at this point are open for each other. If one another advises something or something asks something, then the other without internal resistance is voluntarily ready to help, fulfill the request. If such communication is possible between two strangers in essence, it is possible between the smallest (mom and child) between the smallest (mom and child). Just establish trusting communication should be attempted from the early childhood of the child. And if it was not done earlier, then try it to do at least now. Trust communication is the most powerful educational tool (parents do not force the child, but agree with him in a good way). Such communication brings together parents and a child. About the advantages of communication "in good" I have already told. And now I will tell about the cons of communication "in bad" (parents force the child, they apply moral and physical violence to it). Such communication creates abyss between parents and the child. Both sides do not understand each other and do not want to listen to the words and requests of the other side, conflicts often arise. For both sides, such communication is not comfortable. So difficult children and adolescents appear (this is the result of the wrong education by parents). How do we do if communication with someone is constantly upsetting? With such a person, we strive or communicate at a minimum, or not to communicate at all. So it turns out that while children learn at school, they are near (they have no choice), and when they leave home, they forget about parents, as communication with them too often was unpleasant (I do not want to continue it). These are cons of communication "in bad". I do not know exactly how you communicate with your son, therefore it has been detailed by both options. What to do - the choice is yours. Personally, my opinion: Try to become a friend for your son (so that it happens, count yourself that friends do, and what they do not), combine the two roles "Moms" and "friend." As a result, firstly, you can more often and qualitatively communicate with your son at a distance. Secondly, to some extent, you can influence his behavior, on his actions. Good luck to you!

  • Maria:

    Hello, my daughter is 16 years old. Meets with a guy 19 years old. He is all for her! Sleep goes around when he calls her. Live with a guy in neighboring cities. He comes to her. He began to leave notes about her pregnancy like "I'm pregnant not telling anyone." I ask what it is? And she says that they are so pinned in college and it does not mean anything because it's a little more. Grandmother calls her and asks how are you? She tells her that I was sick all the time. Although I know that it has one month. I start to ask questions why she does it shouting that grandma invented everything. He says that he lives with us. What if I don't like something, I can refuse it. She had a friend from home and abandoned his mother in social skate, says that Mom yells constantly. I do not know what to do?

    Maria:

    Add to the previous comment, tell me how to deal in those situations when my daughter offends me and her husband. Can say anything. And at the same time accuses us that we do not apply to her. Good noticing, only reproaches. Her father lives in another city and did not communicate with her for a long time, tired of his personal life. Stepfather raised her as a daughter. This summer, during the conflict with her, the husband decided to stand up for me and pick up the phone, she did not give it away and had to pick up his strength. Before that, the daughter called her husband Pope, now it does not call anywhere, does not speak with him since the summer. He began to ride to his native father, and blaming me in everything that happened. I'm so tired and try to close my eyes on a lot, but I try to tell me please exit from the situation.

  • Anonymous:

    Hello, tell me how to find a common language with a child of 13 years old, with her husband divorced, there is a second husband and a child from a second marriage, for a child I'm bad snaps up, wants to go to dad or grandmother to live.

  • Oksana:

    Hello, I do not know what to do, they kicked hands, help. The son of 16 years arrived at the college on a very serious specialty, the choice and dream of him. He studied for 3 months and began, I don't want to go, now wants to pick up documents from there at all. We explain that you will lose year and what's next. Local PTU auto mechanic. They discouraged as they could, he didn't tell anyone at all, but it will not work, we explained to him that no one is without education right now. The houses are a molars, the teachers talked about him well, the son does not smoke, does not drink, but what this principle and the synthesia do not understand. In our family, we are fine, and we work with my husband, the eldest daughter is married, we rest all together. And the sister and her husband said that with such an education would take themselves with their hands, does not want to listen.

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Remember when you asked your siblos about everyday things, for example: did he make her homework, did he speak with the teacher in chemistry, or what did he do in his friend's house after school? What reaction do you get?

  • ● Eye rigging accompanied by loud sigh
  • ● Monotonous answer (for example: Yes / No, well, I don't know ...), accompanied by a body language that suggests that you are morally outdated, and you have notarly asked such questions
  • ● Screams and Rugan (accompanied by all sorts of gestures)
  • ● All of the above

So, why is your child so annoyed? In the end, you love it most about the world, you would give life for him, and he responds to you in this way. First, it is quite possible that your teenager has really emotional problems, and something makes him get upset. This may be a social dilemma: conflict with a friend, relationship with a boy / girl or the manifestation of aggression from the peers.

Maybe problems in learning: your child feels that he is lagging behind the program or has lost interest in learning. Most likely, you need some third-party person to whom he can tell his problems and feel safe. Perhaps this is a psychologist or school consultant. If you think that you need to take action, then find with whom to talk to him. But in nine cases out of ten, your problem will relate to one of the following two categories.

I think that you are "saw"

Starting from 13-14 years old, teenagers do not want parents to take on them day after day, tapping with questions with questions: how are you at school? What's going on with you? What did you do with friends? etc. Children feel that you get them. They are at the age when they want to demonstrate independence, they do not want to hear the standard questions about the everyday details of their life every time they are with you next. They begin to stream on you, irritate and go into your inner world or play your phone.

2. For use tired of your "small teachings"

These are unwanted advice that children usually already know, but parents still feel the desire to repeat them in order to relieve their own alarm. Usually you can define a "little teaching" by how children start rolling their eyes and / or make a glazed glance, try to move away from you or begin to mumble something under your nose. Sometimes "small teachings" are disguised as rhetorical questions, sometimes they are expressed in smiles, it happens that they openly speak out in the form of dismissive comments.

Here are some examples of such a teaching:

- What do you think to go to the institute with such estimates?

- Do you remember, you have a test tomorrow? If you do not prepare, you will fill it as last time.

- Oh, yes ... you know how to make money ... You really "tried" on your last part-time job!

- Are you not going to meet Vanya on this weekend? You know what we think about him. You will come in trouble if you continue to communicate with him.

"You can't even get up in the morning ... What are you going to do at the institute when you live yourself?"
- It's just a pimple. Do not be so bothering on it.

- So, your friends did not invite you to the weekend? This is not a problem, you will go and without them.

Most of these "small teachings" that parents give teenagers do not strengthen relations, but on the contrary weaken them. They do not benefit. Such lessons are akin to morals, children do not listen to them. These phrases contain only common abstract truths, and your "no longer a child" feels that you do not perceive it as an adult, since all the time repeat something like: how many two plus two?

Ravenly teenagers can specifically do all the way you said. How can you handle it?

Find a balance between "roots and wings"

While children live under your roof, you have the rules that they must follow. At least in some things they still need your guide. So you give them roots. At a minimum, children must respect other people in the house, and keep you up to date with where they are and with whom they are. But you should also allow them to try out their wings. Do not try to solve all their problems. Make a deep breath and worry your anxiety that does not take it on them. Let them do as much as possible themselves, these are their life, avoid accepting decisions for them.

For obvious reasons you want to protect them from the wrong steps, with whom they will surely face, but you are limited in our power. And if you are trying to intervene all the time, they will become more and more irritated and closed. Let them make mistakes, because they can learn to them.

Develop common interests

Start doing something in common with a teenager so that you have a topic for conversation. There should be no place for the pathos phrases, moraling and your discontent with his choice. Go together in the movies. Play football. Go fishing. Play computer games, in laser shooters. Make something. What exactly to do - it does not matter. Just choose the entertainment that you can like both. Find a common language and start talking on it. Give the teenage feeling that you can spend time together without climbing his personal life. If you can, try to engage his friends in your games. It will give you a good opportunity to learn your child better.

Listen

Try to perform such an exercise: in conversations with a teenager for a few days just listen to what he says. Focus on how he describes events, distracted from his thoughts and feel what actually happens in his life. Just listen and do not answer. Ask yourself: What does my child really want? What is he trying to get in his life? What questions are really interested in him?

And instead of solving his problems or indicate how to solve them, try to pronounce three simple words: "I hear you." In the end, your views should be aimed at creating and maintaining strong relationships with your child. So is it worth weakening them with your whining and such destructive "small teachings".

The parents of the younger generation are asked: how to communicate with a teenager.

Problems arise in many families since transitional age is considered one of the most complex.

How to get rid of computer addiction teenage? Find out about it from ours.

Psychology

Adult, the child wants to acquire more and more independence.

But parents continue to control His trying to ensure safety and proper education.

The problem is that sometimes the pressure is unnecessary, and the child begins to resist. As a result, aggression, departure from the house, getting into dangerous companies.

If the child is just forbidden, he will begin to do it secretly. However, if you leave it without complete control, he will not be able to appreciate himself, which is permissible to do, and what is categorically impossible. Important keep the gold middle.

In communicating with adolescents, it is primarily necessary to ensure that the child can safely calmly tell the parents about his problems and experiences, without fear of condemnation and punishment.

It is studied separately, and it is not by chance, it has Your features and difficultiesfaced parents and teachers.

Features of communication with adults and with peers

Adults with the entry of the child in adolescent age more and more losing their authority.

But small social groups are important for a teenager.

It is focused on subculture, Fashion Trends, Features of communication in its circle. At the same time, it may not like, with whom their child contacts, what is interested.

This becomes the cause. In this case, there is no mutual understanding and respect for parents to the interests of the child.

Parents:

  • are family members in which the child is forced to live;
  • gradually lose credibility, especially if there are no mutual respect and confidence in the family;
  • are people who should be afraid.

    Again, due to the loss of trust and constant punishment for any reason.

Peers:

  • take into a social group or reject;
  • have similar interests;
  • more significant in terms of communication, exchange of opinions;
  • are interesting in terms of communication with the opposite sex;
  • can draw a teenager to unlawful actions;
  • are an example to which the child is focused.

Problems of relationship

Largely depends on its success among peers.

If he is rejected, he feels his difference, unnecessary, loneliness.

The child may have the following problems:

  • reduced;
  • overly high self-esteem;
  • aggressiveness in relation to individual peers;
  • care;
  • fear of communication with the opposite sex;
  • before a large group of people, the need to perform in front of the class;
  • , inability to make new acquaintances and support friendship;
  • aggressive behavior while trying to interfere with their life, control, impose certain behavior, style of clothing, the need to learn.

It is important for parents to understand that the hormonal restructuring of the body is happening, it affects the psychological state of the child, his behavior, reaction to the impact and stress.

Why don't parents understand adolescents?

Parents are another generation, with his existing stereotypes behavior.

The social medium is changeable, and as a result, the older generation is already more difficult to understand the younger.

In addition, parents forget how they felt and led in adolescence. Perhaps it seems to them that they did not give parents, and in fact behaved in the way they behave their daughter or son.

The level and focus of thinking of adults and children is also different.

How to educate them?

It is necessary to start raising a child from infant age. But many parents forget this, as a result the spoiled teenager growswhich is difficult to control. However, with a certain patience, the situation is really corrected.

Paul education

Sex education is directed to the correct perception of its and the opposite sex. It has great importance prevention of early start of intimate life, sexually transmitted diseases and early pregnancy.

Parents should have a conversation with girls even before the first menstruation, tell me how it happens and why. Better, if a mother or grandmother will take this issue. Boys are also important to explain the issues of sexual relations and prevention.

Some publishers are released special literature For dating adolescents with sexual life.

Now adolescents are quite active, so in some cases it is necessary to start prevention since 12 years, but the individual features of a particular person should be taken into account.

Parents should not ignore the floor issues and put an important conversation for a long time. Unfortunately, in children, parents who did not take care of prevention on time, often happens unwanted pregnancy And there are dangerous diseases.

In addition to the problems of communicating with peers, it is important to explain to the child how it will protect himself from unlawful actions by adults.

How to talk with a child at 12, 13, 14 years old?

Teen at this age still remains a child, but already wants to seem adults.

What to do:

  • respect his right to express his own opinion, it teaches independent thinking;
  • if there is a need to point out an error, then do it not in the form of criticism, but in the form of a board, how best to do;
  • set the framework of the permitted and allowed;
  • take care of the organization of the day;
  • perform promises or do not let them, learn the same;
  • learn to listen to your child, so you can see what problems he has and help in a timely manner;
  • do not join, stop communicating with him, as with a small child;
  • appreciate his personality, let's develop;
  • do not lead interrogation with condemnation, addiction, irritation, so you only scare a teenager and give it away from yourself;
  • do not blame for what he interferes with you is imposed, makes mistakes;
  • you are interested in his feelings, health status, but not intrusive;
  • praise for the decisions made, noble actions, achievements in school, sports, development.

How to find a common language with my daughter or son?

If the parents are trying to criticize, irritate, ignore the problem, then the next time the child is just not to contact you next time.

Typical mistakes adults

No one is insured against errors, but there are no ideal parents. Evaluating his behavior, you can prevent the emergence of many problems.

Basic mistakes:


Reveal that not so in cooperation with a teenager will help trust conversation. Listen to the child, get his point of view.

Hard teenager: what to do?

It is necessary to be prepared for the fact that the period will have to thread, but at the same time the situation on the samonek, and try to somehow influence the behavior of the child. In advanced cases recommended consultation of a psychologist.

It is possible that you do not know about the problems and internal experiences of the child. The psychologist will help him restore peace of mind, and parents will teach how to interact with him correctly based on individual characteristics.

How to communicate with hard teenagers?

How to cope with a difficult teenager?Apply punishment for any reason is not the best option.

In this case, the child is moving away and the trust is lost, but fear of parents is formed and the desire to contact them as much as possible.

To kid it is necessary to find a lessonwhich will be interesting to him. Talk to him, listen to what he wants from life, perhaps he will be happy to engage in sports, will go to courses or in the circles.

Explain to the child why you paid to him so little time that you had to work for the content of the family.

Parents must be an example, it is with them a teenager assistens the behavior model and transfers to the outside world.

Rules of interaction from Hippenrater

Julia Hippenrater is a famous psychologist who has released many psychology works.

A soft noise in the hallway, Olga looks out of the kitchen and sees her eldest son, throwing sneakers, removed along the corridor. Hello it is useless: he has already left and will not hear. Click: The door closed in his room, because of her sounded loud music ...

All this means that 15-year-old Anton returned from the school where he spent most of the day. Olga sighs: "And so every day. Play in silence. Silent in Seattle ... It is necessary: \u200b\u200bfor the year grew by 15 centimeters and lost 90% of the words that once knew! If during the day we hear "hello", "dinner soon?" And "Switch to football", in the holiday house. "

However, Olga was still lucky: some teenagers do not communicate with their parents for two or three weeks ... Galina Burumensky's age psychologist often have to hear similar stories.

"Teenagers are loaded with their experiences, their own rapid growth, restructuring in the body. Focused on himself and their internal problems, the child is moving away from his parents. That is why a couple of questions about dinner, a TV or computer - it has already been a lot, especially if the desire to calm the parents guess for them, let them know that everything is in order. "

Why is this happening?

Starting from 12-13 years old, adolescents are gradually moving away from their parents: they prefer communicating with peers. Such a model of behavior arose relatively recently, as well as the concept of "transitional age" - the transition time (often difficult) from childhood in adulthood.

"Of course, the conflict of generations always existed," says Galina Burmskaya. "But life was still different, the teenagers needed more joint efforts with parents: they were relying in economic affairs and in the upbringing of younger children." For the 1960s and 1970s, a separate teenage and youth culture arose with its main attribute, rock music.

The teenager's closure is the reverse side of that storm that raises him inside

"Music displaced the words: instead of relationships with parents, young people began to build a relationship with their time," says Sociologist Michelle Piz. In addition, the burden of home care has become much easier thanks to the technique for the house, and therefore almost no need to attract adolescents to the household side of life.

Mobile phone, TV, game consoles, a computer with an Internet in a teenager's room "Expand the ditch separating children from parents," Galina Burumen believes. - Adults inevitably lose their credibility and significance, but peers with similar problems, questions and interests can understand and divide the experiences of each other. "

Wield the right to a personal space

In itself, the reluctance of the child to communicate with us is not yet a reason to worry. The teenager's closure is the reverse side of that storm that raises him inside. It is difficult for him to call everything that is new that happens to him.

"The body is changing, the perception of what is happening, the past views are criticized, finally, he first seriously falls in love ... Sometimes the child is so focused on the problem that he is simply not ready to discuss her. Or maybe he is shy or afraid that it becomes shaking what it concerns one, "explains Galina Burmnskaya.

To grow up, build yourself, the teenager needs a shirma separating it from his parents. It is impossible to solve him for it, and then his "I", inaccessible for other people's opinions, will be able to mature, relying on his own experience, own solutions and mistakes.

"Parents want the teenager to be transparent to them, they certainly had heard them. They are not just talking to him, but trying to influence, seek, criticize ... and are surprised that communication does not develop, "says Galina Burmnskaya. - When adults are explained in the rustling of their own right, "how correctly" and "as it should", they cause the fierce resistance of a teenager, because they deprive his life, sense of self.

At this age, he begins to try a lot, experiencing a lot of inconvenience, delight and uncertainty ... But this flight is interrupted when mom and dad begin to "learn to live". It turns out that silence in most cases is just a way of coexistence, preserving itself and the relationship with others. "

No need to try to get a teenager in the collision, get information from it at any cost

Speech is the area where an adult is always stronger: a child takes a tongue from parents, in a dialogue with them learns to speak, it wants to separate from them, using the words taken in his circle. But we want to keep contact with your younger son or daughter. How best to build communication?

By the way, Anton, the son of Olga, does not at all consider himself a silent "it is not true that I don't talk to my mother, I just don't want to tell her about everything. I also do not like when our conversation suddenly becomes looking like interrogation, and even with accusations ... What remains me? Just be silent - it's easier to avoid disassembly. But I wonderfully communicate with friends and even with their parents. "

This is quite natural: "extraneous" adult does not accept his actions (appearance, judgment) to heart, it is more restrained, delicate, does not condemn and does not require frankness ... that is, does not do that so do not like our children.

When is it time to worry?

"It is important to maintain good relationships with your son or daughter's friends, - surely Galina Burmskaya. - If a reason for anxiety arises, you can ask someone from them that with him (with her) happens ... "The situation is much more disturbing, when the teenager ceases to communicate even with friends, rejects what he loved before ...

If it is delayed, you may need assistance to a psychologist. How to say a teenager about this? So as not to hurt him: offer a child to go to him independently ("You're already adult and quite handle yourself") or sign up for a consultation together, telling him that you are worried about your mutual alienation. In addition, adults also have something to learn: for example, the skills of the active hearing.

"They are indispensable for everyday successful communication. Actively listening means "returning" to the interlocutor what he told you, calling his feeling, "the psychologist Julia Hippenrater says in the book" Communicate with the child. How?". "You're distressed and angry", "You do not like to go to school", "You do not want to be friends with those who offend you." Describing that you hear it and do not leave alone with your own experiences, you give him the opportunity to speak out and find your own decision of a difficult situation. "

Sold together

Let the silence of teenagers are quite natural, but how to be parents? What will help us keep the connection with those who embrace our silence? It is not worth looking for a verbal communication at any cost, sometimes enough joint classes: "I see you don't want to talk now," let's just drink coffee (we go to the movies, you will prepare anything for dinner). "

The ability to talk to each other is not just the ability to pronounce words. This ability to organize the life of the family in a special way: trustingly, openly, goodwill. After all, in such a family, not only told, but also listen.

No, we are no longer in the first place. Now they need freedom, independence, conversations with peers

Non-surrender Anton admitted that he liked to drive with his father for any things and talk about anything, only not about the personal ... You can remember other family stories: 13-year-old Marina does not like to share news with her mother, but I will gladly look with her TV series or Sit down next to the kitchen when she prepares dinner. 14-year-old Ilya and Lisa every week with joy walking with parents in the pool ...

So, growing children still need in us? Yes and no. Yes, for them very important is the confidence that their parents love them and are always ready to come to the rescue if they ask for her. No, we are no longer in the first place. Now they need freedom, independence, endless (real and virtual) conversations with peers. And our task is to balance on a thin face, interested in their lives, but not imposing its estimates. Listening to their silence, which tells us: "Release me, but do not give up!" We will not dedicate: it is easier to say than to do.

Books on the topic

  • "Chat with a child. How?" Julia Hippenrater, Astrel, 2010.
  • "How to say that teenagers listen to, and how to listen to the teens say" Adel Faber, Elaine Mazlish, Eksmo, 2011.
  • "Pedagogy for all" Simon Solovychik, the first of September, 2000.