We don't choose family - but we choose friends. We need friendship, if only because it correlates with one of the most important psychological needs - the need for belonging.

But to figure out what is considered friendship, and what is just a pathetic imitation, is quite difficult: what are its criteria? While family members are related by blood, and lovers are united by attraction, the signs of a true friend are much more blurred.

Are we friends with a person with whom we constantly communicated at school, but have not seen each other for five years? Can you consider a friend someone you met at a concert of your favorite band and occasionally exchange your favorite music on social networks?

In a study by British anthropologist Robin Dunbar, he was able to identify five main factors of friendship:

common values ​​(this also includes belonging to one religion);

a common sense of humor: spending time with two bosom friends is annoying, because their local jokes are incredibly tiring for strangers who accidentally find themselves in their company;

common interests;

common place of birth;

the same level of intelligence.

All of these traits are equally important: the more of these factors you have in common, the stronger the emotional connection will be established between you.

According to sociologist W. Rawlins, we expect communication, support and joint pastime from a close friend. Regardless of age, these expectations do not change, but the circumstances in which these expectations can be realized do change. How does this happen?

Can adults make friends?

In a video prepared by the American edition of The Atlantic, it is said that adults spend much less time communicating than teenagers. As we grow older, our friendships become less and less numerous, and communication with friends becomes more and more rare, and then disappears altogether.

IN childhood the leading activity is the game, because the child considers a friend with whom you can have fun. As children, we are rarely free in our movements, so we usually make friends with those who live in the neighborhood or often come to visit us. In practice, such a person, as a rule, turns out to be the child of friends of our parents.

Friendship takes on a different meaning for adolescents: for them, support and recognition in the company of peers becomes a priority.

Friendships teach what it means to be close and allow you to reveal your individuality, playing an important role in the formation of personal identity.

During adolescence, people tend to be influenced by their environment. It is important for most to look fashionable - as is customary in their company, to have the same musical preferences with friends, to follow the unspoken "code" of the environment: all this determines belonging to the group.

But with age, little things give way to more fundamental things. What difference does it make what your friend listens to, if he is ready to help at any time?

"Encyclopedia of Human Relations" says that young people 20-24 years old spend with friends from 10 to 25 hours a week. However, closer to the age of 30, everything usually changes: family and professional obligations take up almost all of our time. Most will prefer their child's performance at a children's matinee or a career-important business trip to a meeting with friends, perceiving the latter as a pleasant extracurricular. So the people in whose circle our views and beliefs were formed become more and more distant for us.

W. Rawlins

Sociologist

The biggest dropout of friends happens after marriage. It's quite ironic: people invite friends from both sides to the celebration and, in a certain sense, this is their last grand meeting.

In middle age, people are also ready to make new contacts, but they are more related to the commonality of social roles: colleagues are friends or parents of children who are friends (here it is, recursion in action!).

But not everything is so gloomy. The life path of our friendship can be expressed as a parabola: in old age, when children become adults and leave home, and careers, as a rule, come to an end, our friendship can open up a second wind. Older people try to spend as much time as possible with family and friends: realizing the finiteness of life, they prefer those experiences that make them happy in the moment.

Thus, any friendship has a chance for a long life: the reasons that we lose friends are usually indirect. Sociologist E. Langan refers to one of these reasons that, as we grow up, we become more tactful.

In adolescence, we know exactly what a real friend should be, and therefore we demand from him to the fullest extent of our ideas. In adulthood, having lost maximalism, we become less categorical. We are no longer offended if the meeting breaks down, once again we do not ask for help, we try to devote less to our loved ones in our problems. Any obligations in friendship are tacit, but over the years we get rid of them.

Curiously, it is precisely this sad "non-obligation" of friendship that, in fact, prolongs its term. If we do not communicate with our parents for six months, then we are most likely in a quarrel. If we do not communicate as much with friends, this does not mean anything: warm memories of a person will allow friendship to exist for some more time. And what is half a year when you are 30 years old? In childhood, 6 months is an eternity, at 30 it is a completely manageable period from summer vacation to winter holidays.

What are social networks doing to our friendship?

Regardless of where our friends live and how long we have not seen each other, social media, and especially social networks, create the illusion of co-presence: we live in a time of permanent communication.

According to Dunbar, the maximum number of people we can socialize with at the same time is about 150-200 people, depending on how communicative we are. This phenomenon is called "Dunbar's number": it includes classmates, colleagues, neighbors - everyone with whom, if possible, we are ready to exchange a couple of words.

A maximum of 50 people from this number can make up the circle of people with whom we communicate more or less closely and regularly. However, social media inflates this number to incredible proportions: here is your classmate from elementary school, and random acquaintances from summer camp with whom you had fun a decade ago, and even a friend of a friend from whom you once bought a scratching post for your cat.

And if for some reason these people are important to you at this period of your life, they have every chance of ousting “old” friends from your close circle with whom you have not communicated for a long time. If not, then they become nothing more than random passers-by on the street for you: people who are in your field of vision, but with whom you would not like to strike up a conversation unnecessarily.

W. Rawlins divides friendship into 3 categories, and the desire to meet a friend can serve as a type criterion:

active: you constantly interact with a person, you know what is happening in his life, you can rely on his support and would gladly spend at least every day in his company;

sleeping: now you communicate not as intensively as before, but you would agree to a sudden proposal for a meeting;

commemorative: you are connected by a long-standing friendship, and you remember this person with tenderness, but you are not looking for a meeting, realizing that you have not seen each other for so long, that instead of a heart-to-heart conversation, you will only get a frantic search for topics for conversation.

According to the theory of media multiplexing, the more platforms there are through which friends can interact by sending each other messages, links to interesting articles and funny GIFs, the stronger their friendship.

However, this scenario works only when there is a place for real communication in your life: otherwise, any active friendship will “fall asleep” sooner or later, and then it will become just a pleasant souvenir, reminiscent of a former friendship.

If your "memorable" friend is in your "friends", you can still find out what he thinks about politics and when he celebrates his birthday. However, all these actions put you more in the position of an observer, rather than an active participant in communication. Agree, such friendship does not look natural: it rests only on the rituals of politeness.

Of course, the social network is changing the nature of friendship: from now on, it is built not on general interaction, but on storytelling, expressed by posts, statuses and memes. This is no longer the life that we live with a friend, but one that each of us can watch from the sidelines, getting into addictive social networks in the evenings.

Facebook friendship is always a distance and often an illusion. A social media account is a creative zone where everyone has the opportunity to construct a special image of themselves. And many choose the image of a perfect life, devoid of procrastination, failure and loneliness. In such a world, friends do not need help and emotional support - just their admiration, expressed in a "heart", is enough.

Finally, by making “friends” of those whom you have seen literally once in a lifetime, you doom yourself to a stream of news from random people. And the larger your list of friends, the larger your news feed - and the more exorbitant is the useless information that you receive daily when picking up a gadget.

So is it safe to say that social media is destroying friendships? This statement is not entirely true. Friendships formed outside of the Internet may well be supported by online platforms: they function as a life support apparatus. Even liking a photo is a living wage for your relationship if you're in dormant friendship mode. However, if you need real intimacy, quickly get out of the network and make an appointment for the next weekend.

Relationship psychology

1099

01.02.14 10:34

Perhaps someone will shrug their shoulders and ironically respond in such a spirit that, they say, this is too old-fashioned and outdated. Yes, he is partly right. Modern friendship is more and more involved in the calculation, on the cynical and straightforward principle “you give me - I tell you”, which in fact has nothing to do with friendship. What does it have then? More on this below.

How to keep a friendship with a friend

Dear ladies, many of you will easily remember how you were inseparable with some classmates at school and classmates at the institute. How recklessly they fooled around, how childhood played in one place, how stubbornly they did not want to grow up. Until a certain time - until they began to divide the same guy, or until each of them had their own young man, and there - even though the grass does not grow, they don’t care about anyone or anything! As they say, and tobacco apart, and scattered in all directions.

"Rondo" does not bring together!

With the advent of mobile phones, we have not made new friends - this is a big illusion. By the way, we chat with the old ones more in absentia, and not in reality. But there is no substitute for face-to-face communication. And it comes to the point of absurdity - when the neighbors on the landing do not even know each other by sight and do not greet each other when they meet ... What kind of friendship is there - to maintain the appearance of politeness ...

With men - keep an eye out!

So how not to lose old friends and girlfriends? First, regarding male friends. In general, friendship between a man and a woman is a rather conditional concept and is fraught with what is known. Yes, they are friends, they meet, they coincide in some motley companies ... until both accidentally "take over" somewhere at a party, and he ends up in her bed with known consequences. With a man, it is better to immediately keep your distance and not give a reason. If he really wants to be your friend, he will not pretend to be more, but you can always count on him.

Only deeds matter!

It is much more difficult with women - they are much more unpredictable, capricious, fickle creatures. Friends around winds, as a rule, a dime a dozen. And what tragedy happened - who to call? Yes, and the answer is predictable: official condolences - and nothing more. A true friend will rush in soon and bring a certain amount of money, because he understands that not the most pleasant funeral business requires a decent amount of money. A true friend will silently sit next to you, take your pain upon himself, share it as his own. And nothing will be said - words in such cases are inappropriate. It is for such friends that one must hold on with one's teeth! You can’t sew a fur coat out of condolence and you won’t spread it on bread.

Let's go for no reason!

The surest way not to lose anyone is to meet more often, including without a special reason. Arrange a "holiday of the soul"! And to meet at the table, it is better even at someone's house. The atmosphere of the cafe, no matter how cozy it is, still gives off a formal spirit. Get out of the city together, especially on weekends and during the long-awaited time of summer holidays. And you won’t have to sit within four walls, and you will get everything your soul and body crave.

It is important for both adults and children to have friends. It is friends who most often give us the most precious memories. Close friendships can develop into romantic and even working relationships. However, very often, lack of time and various circumstances prevent friends from spending time together.

Keep in touch

We are all busy with something. We spend a lot of time at work, doing household chores or taking care of our families. According to statistics, one in three working people do not have enough time for all household chores. Responsibilities pile up on us and each of them seems insanely important. At the same time, thanks to the Internet, it has become much easier for people to communicate. You can easily write to friends on Twitter or Facebook in between times, checking your mail at work. It takes very little time, but at the same time it helps you keep in touch with friends who are far away from you and with whom you do not have the opportunity to see each other often.

Meet your friends

Internet chatting is just one part of friendly communication. Even if a person is very busy, he still finds time for those who are important to him. Always try to see your friends as regularly as possible. Some prefer to get together as a group, for example, every week or every month. Not all friends manage to see each other so often, but even rare personal meetings will help you strengthen relationships.

Prioritize

To make time for friends, you need to properly prioritize and put friendship above other aspects of life. Studies show that long-term friendship makes a person happier and longer life, as well as reduces stress levels and helps to solve problems better. To keep relationships with friends, you, in turn, need to show how important they are to you.

Give gifts

Even small gifts or favors will help strengthen your friendship. The good you have done will come back to you like a boomerang. Gifts or favors will help you connect with your friends more often and also serve as a kind of test. If you have already given your friend 10 gifts, but have never received anything from him in return, you should reconsider your friendship.

Handle conflicts carefully

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, including friendships. Even between the closest friends, conflict can arise. Conflict situations should never be ignored. Try to solve them as honestly and without fanfare as possible. Don't forget that one mistake can turn you from friend to foe.

Introduce friends to other people close to you

Never hide your friends from people close to you. They have a special place in your life that your friends can claim. If you introduce your friends to other people close to you, you can find a balance in the relationship and you won't have to choose between them.

Agree with your friends (at least occasionally)

Even if your friend is constantly wrong, still try to find something in common with him, because this is extremely important. Don't turn into that person who constantly finds fault with everyone. Although you are not forbidden to express your opinion, but constantly asserting that you are right, you can destroy the friendship.

Moderate your anger

Anger is one of the most frequently expressed emotions in communication between friends. Some situations can be very difficult to respond without anger. But even if you are angry with your friend, try to contain your anger. This is especially necessary for you if your friends cannot stand aggressive people, as they can easily cut you out of their lives.

Don't be too critical

Your friends make mistakes and may even want to be pointed out to them. At the same time, this does not mean that you need to hurt their feelings. If you do criticize your friends, try to be as gentle as possible. Follow the golden rule and refrain from hurtful words.

Be careful with your friend's family

Family will always be a touchy subject in the relationship of friends. A person will always criticize his family, but if his friends start doing the same, he will immediately become defensive. Pay attention to how your friends talk about their family. When your friend talks about his family, the wisest thing to do is to just sit silently and nod your head.

Not every friendship will last many years. Get ready to rethink your relationship with your friends by following the tips above and cutting toxic people out of your life. A long and strong friendship, in turn, will give you a feeling of comfort and happiness. If you show your willingness to care for your friends, the right people will only be happy to stay in your life and fill it with joy.

Helpful Hints

Do you have friends or at least one friend? Then you are a very happy person. And let it seem to you that having friends - it's completely natural; in fact, this is far from the case. Otherwise, where would people come from who have no friends at all?

We must call a spade a spade - even if it is difficult. Because it is not so important how your friend reacts at the moment - but if he is a true friend, then such a person should appreciate the fact that you are honest with him.

Inspire your friend

Encouragement and inspiration are one of the most important moments that will help you become a true friend and see such friends around you. It doesn't matter how bad your mood is - a true friend will always let you know that you are special and that everything will be OK.

A true friend will always support you on your path, giving you the strength to realize that you can overcome this path. A true friend will never stop supporting and encouraging you, even if you have reached your goal; rather, it will help you find your next target!

We must not only take, but also give

As in any other relationship (for example, business or love), it is impossible to constantly take. To be a good friend, you must learn to give your friend what he needs. (one's own time, truthful word, give another support).

In addition, you must also learn to accept what your friend gives you in return. Do not demand too much, hinting that you have given more. But it is worth striking a balance in these things to show that you respect a friend and appreciate his attention.

Push yourself sometimes

From time to time, in a relationship between friends, someone may have the feeling that they are being taken advantage of. This is an embarrassing moment. But do not cut from the shoulder! Even so, make an effort to stay friends for as long as possible.

Perhaps now your friendship is in such a period, when you can give more to your friend. Perhaps after a while you will switch roles. Believe me, this is the least you can do, and therefore always stay in touch - a true friend will do just that.

Strong friendship

Respect what makes you different

There is no doubt that the best relationships are built on mutual interest. However, being a good friend means respecting the boundary where your mutual interests end. To maintain friendly relations we must learn to recognize this boundary in time.

In fact, the strongest relationships are formed between those people who are slightly different from each other in terms of certain interests. It is worth respecting these differences (even cardinal ones), as they help friends develop and complement each other.

Don't take friendship for granted

It doesn't matter how long you've been friends. It also doesn't matter how strong you think your friendship is. You should never take such a relationship as something for granted, which you got absolutely for nothing.

History knows a huge number of cases when the strongest friendships fell apart. for the smallest of reasons. Do not allow yourself to underestimate friendship, as it is a real value and your wealth, which should be protected.

Don't judge

When people start judging each other, then true friendship ends. Of course, as mentioned earlier, real friends are free (moreover, they even have to) tell the truth to each other, it cannot be otherwise.

but do not confuse sincerity with the desire to condemn your friend for some act or spoken word. Also avoid comparisons - and especially God forbid you speak in such a way that someone is better friends! Be wiser.

Selfless friendship

Strive to focus on positive things

And again we return to the fact that real friends should try to tell each other the truth. The fact is that finding flaws and pointing out them is the easiest thing. However, the secret of true friendship is to Look for the positives and encourage them.

A recent American sociological survey involved about 10,000 people from different states aged 30 to 50 years.

He showed that those people who maintain relationships with at least some of their former classmates, classmates and colleagues feel more comfortable and calm in life.

And there is an explanation for this: communication with those with whom we studied or worked gives us a feeling of confidence - we are not alone, but go through life together with different people.

How nice to get together with people you know from childhood - with your friends! With people who remember you as a child, teenager, student, remember your first love and graduation.

It's great to remember something long-standing, to remember what your best friend made the first impression on you. Finally find out why and why you had a fight in the 8th grade. Laugh heartily!

How many people we met along the way!

How many beers were drunk together, how many jokes were told, how many kilometers were driven together, how many projects were carried out together. It seemed like friends forever! But time and life decided differently, distributed everything. And now there are very few friends around, but these are people tested by water, fire and copper pipes!

1. Never dont lie! Do not lie about income, about losses, about feelings.
2. Don't hide! Be sure to share joys, fears, failures. Why else have a friend if you can’t share the joy of buying a car with him or grieve about an emergency at work.
3. Don't envy. Most often, friends become people from the same social circle - one way or another. Maybe with a slight difference in income. But everything can change. Someone gets rich, someone stays in the same place. Envy destroys friendship.
4. Keep out inside the family showdown with their advice. The affairs of the family, the affairs of husband and wife, the upbringing of the child - concerns only family members.
5. Have an opinion and express it. Do not prove, just offer another option for thinking. Anyway, everyone has their own life and responsibility. Being friends doesn't mean nodding and smiling sweetly, being friends means being honest.
6. Learn from your friends. What could be better than asking a friend in a friendly atmosphere to teach you how to gut a fish or how to put things in a closet as efficiently as possible?
7. Grow and develop together. Everyone can go in his own individual direction, but just go, do not stand still. And then your friendship will acquire new facets, you will have new topics for communication. An old friend will not become a burden, communication with him will not be a burden.

There are also little things that really strengthen friendship:

• making small gifts to each other always warms the soul, because it was given with love and care;
• always repay debts - I believe that friendship cannot be built without monetary relations - you need to help and ask for help - from whom, if not from friends. But always give back!
• create traditions - exchange gifts for the new year, meet girls on March 8, everyone gathers for regular celebrations, weddings, birthdays;
• go to visit and invite to yourself;
• remember the name and patronymic of the parents, be interested in the affairs of the sister, brothers;
• congratulate not only your friend, but also all members of his family on his birthday, remember the wedding date and upcoming important events;
• always pick up the phone or call back.

After all, only people who have known you for a very long time, remember you as a girl, know all aspects of your life, your family can be yourself without fear. Friends will always help to put things in order in thoughts, return from heaven to earth, give support or find a way to console. Take care of your friends! They don't get bigger over the years.

Have you kept friendship with one of your classmates, classmates, friends in the yard?

If yes, please tell us how you did it. What gives you this friendship? Has she become a burden? What is the joy of your fellowship?