How to prevent enmity with an ex-husband - we always remain people. Good relationship with an ex
Divorce is always difficult and difficult. Even when the initiator of the breakup is you yourself. It becomes especially difficult at the moment when you are forced to continue communicating with your ex-husband.
Today you will learn how to connect with an ex and how to build a new relationship.
Note: in this article we will talk about normal ex-husbands, and not about those, the thought of which causes panic fear in women and children. In this case, it is advisable to deal separately with a psychologist.
Relationship after divorce: relationship with ex-husband
The eternal stone of contact between the former spouses is alimony and meetings between the father and the child.
Alimony.
The issue of alimony must be resolved officially, without relying on any oral agreements. After all, it often happens that today the former spouses agreed, and tomorrow the ex-husband refuses to pay the agreed amount for the child. Therefore, alimony must be legally formalized, as a last resort, in court, so that in the future there will be no problematic issues.
If the ex-spouse does not refuse to pay alimony and you have come to an agreement in this matter, having formalized everything, the problem of constant meetings with the ex-husband may arise. Then, if these meetings give you inner discomfort, agree on transferring money to your bank card.
Meeting of father and child.
Do not forbid the ex-husband to see the child if he shows a desire to communicate with him. For children, contact and communication with both parents is very important: this affects both the mental and mental development of the child.
Therefore, you still have to communicate with your ex-husband. Of course, in the event that the father behaves adequately towards the child, and you are not afraid to leave your child alone with dad.
Therefore, it will be vital for you to learn how to calmly communicate with your ex-husband. How to do it?
First, subdue your pride. In this case, the interests of the child, not yours, should come first.
Secondly, do not try to take revenge on your husband. Many women specifically forbid the father to see the child, thinking that at least in this way they will make their ex-husband suffer. This behavior will not only lead to a deterioration in relations with the ex-husband, but will also damage the psyche of the child. Since a child in a situation of divorced parents always remains flawed.
No matter how disgusting your ex-husband is, if he shows a desire to see the child, do not forbid him to do so. On the contrary, rejoice that your child will have both a mother and a father, even if they do not live together. After all, how many ex-husbands, after parting with his wife, forget that they have children.
Thirdly, do not turn the child against the father. If you are disappointed or offended, it is better to talk with a good friend or seek the help of a psychologist. But do not pour out your negative feelings on the child, turning him into a puppet, a toy between you and your ex-husband. Let the child make his own personal choice in relation to the father.
Relationships after divorce: new relationships
If you are about to get married again, do not make excuses to your ex-husband for building your personal life. You have every right to do this, you have the right to be happy!
Now you are free, you have nothing to apologize for, you have no previous obligations to your spouse, now a former one.
In addition, your ex-husband will also find, or has already found, a new life partner. And this is a good reason to start making friends at home. Especially when you have children together.
True, friendship at home is possible if both of you have arranged your life and have new families. In an opposite situation, it is not advisable for the three of us to gather at the same table, because this can provoke a conflict and relations with the ex-husband will escalate even more.
Give yourself a chance to be happy! If you tell your ex-husband about your new relationship without a guilty note in your voice, most likely, your spouse will understand you and will not prevent you from arranging your personal life.
Be sure to note that the ex-husband does not become an ex-dad, and will always remain a father for the child, unless, of course, he wants to.
Advice to women: do not rush into the arms of a new man immediately after a divorce. It takes some time to get used to the idea of a divorced woman. During this period, it is important to disconnect yourself from your ex-husband: forgive, stop blaming, get angry, try to take revenge. If you did not give yourself the opportunity to survive the breakup with your ex-husband and immediately rushed towards a new relationship, you are unlikely to be able to build a strong union. It is important to allow yourself to go through all the pain that a divorce from your husband caused you so that you do not experience the same disappointments and resentments with a new man.
Sometimes parting is preceded by rather serious events: domestic terror, treason, alcoholism. In this case, the woman simply cannot maintain friendly feelings for her ex-husband. She wants to forget everything that happened and start life anew. And men most often, on the contrary, try to return the ex-wife, who endured all the antics for so long. They pursue, insist on a date. In this case, you should not even try to build a relationship. No matter how good the former spouse tries to seem, he is unlikely to change, even if at first everything is fine in the family.
Always measure your actions with your desires. You should not get along with your ex-husband if you are not ready for it yet. Take your time, maybe things will change very soon
If the divorce occurred by mutual agreement, the partners have a desire to remain friends, you can try to establish communication. It is quite possible if the former spouses have no claims against each other and have already begun to build new relationships. In this case, neither the ex-husband nor the ex-wife will be jealous or otherwise negative.
The same rake: how to communicate with the former
- More
How to understand what an ex-husband wants
Situations when ex-spouses manage to find out the relationship, breaking up forever or becoming friends, happen quite rarely. Most often, there is an understatement between former partners, which can lead to both a final break and a reunion. If a woman is ready to restore a family, she needs to observe the behavior of a man.
The ex-husband often calls and asks how things are going, offers his help and is ready, as before, to perform some household duties - this indicates that he wants to return to the family. In this case, you can easily restore the relationship by simply allowing the ex-spouse to do whatever he asks.
If you want to get your husband back faster, take the initiative. Invite him to dinner, please him with homemade treats, surround him with affection. If he had any doubts about the restoration of the family, they will quickly pass.
If the ex-husband appears occasionally, calls most often in a state of drunkenness, comes only for the night, and then disappears for a long time, this means only one thing: he uses his ex-wife as an “alternate airfield”. That is, he devotes all his free time to new acquaintances, friends, entertainment, and he comes to an old girlfriend only when he does not find a better pastime that day or night. In this case, you should not hope for the restoration of the family. It is obvious that the feelings of a man, even if they were, are long gone. All that remained was the consumer attitude towards the ex-wife. And here it will most often be impossible to build even ordinary friendships.
Relationships between two people can develop according to different scenarios. When their ending is not very happy, people go in different directions, trying to forget each other and start a new relationship. But sometimes partners, having lived separately for some time, realize that forming relationships with another person does not bring satisfaction or loneliness turned out to be not freedom, but a heavy burden. In such cases, there may be a desire to return to the bosom of the family, where everything is simple, familiar and familiar. Often people who try to “enter the same river twice” get emotional and forget what made them take such a serious step in the past as a divorce. They build new relationships with former partners, but, most often, such attempts again end in disappointment.
To understand whether people have a chance to reunite a family where it has already broken up once, one should understand the reasons for the desire to restore broken relationships.
Rekindling a relationship with a former partner and remarrying him can sometimes be very tempting. This is due to a strong attachment to a person, long years lived together, having children who miss their dad, or fatigue from loneliness. At the moment when the divorce was left behind, and the mental pain subsided, the appearance of the ex-husband on the horizon of life is no longer perceived with hostility, but on the contrary, looking at the native face, thoughts “shouldn’t we start all over again?”, Especially if he asks forgiveness, gives gifts and by all means seeks family reunification. But you should not immediately rush into the pool with your head and build something where, perhaps, nothing can be built. It is important to pause in order to understand what prompts you to step on the same rake again and whether it is worth doing.
Habit
First, the power of habit plays a big role. When you live for many years under the same roof with the person you love, everything in him becomes familiar - smell, look, speech, manners. And his presence in life at a time when the pain of parting has almost subsided can provoke memories that are easy to confuse with love.
If you understand that you want to try again to build a relationship with your ex-husband, because you are used to the fact that he is always there, then this is a dangerous motive that can lead to a second divorce. It should be understood that, despite the desire to return your life to its usual course, the problems that led to the first separation have not gone away and the person with whom the relationship once ended most likely remained the same.
Children
Trying to save a family for the sake of children is another dangerous motive. Divorce of parents causes trauma to the psyche of children, but even taking this into account, psychologists say that a child grows and develops more safely in an incomplete family with a stable emotional background than where there is a mother and father, between whom quarrels and scandals often flare up, reigns misunderstanding and disrespect.
Fatigue
It happens that a woman gets tired of loneliness, new relationships with other men do not add up, the area of responsibility grows, and longing for a strong male shoulder can provoke a desire to start over with an ex-husband.
In such a situation, it is important to know that life fatigue is not a reason to re-build an alliance with a person who has not changed and consciously return to the problems that previously led to a divorce.
Sometimes people who separate and live separately for a while come to understand that the love for an ex-partner is still alive. In this case, feelings can flare up with renewed vigor. What to do if the desire to be close to a person is stronger than past grievances? The most important thing is to look back at past experience and understand what both people are ready to go for in order to save love and the opportunity to restore a family. How they are both ready to change themselves so that their behavior once again does not lead to parting.
New relationship with an ex-husband: how to forget the past
Forming a relationship with a former partner should be based on the complete release of past grievances. Are you ready to look at your ex-husband not through the prism of old disappointment, but with new eyes, as a person whom you met for the first time? If the answer is yes, then there is a chance to save the family. Only on condition that the ways of behavior and actions in it will be completely different from the old ones. Otherwise, it will not be possible to avoid a repeated sad ending. Both a man and a woman should know about this and do everything in order not to repeat past mistakes.
If you have decided to start everything from scratch, then you cannot see the former in your partner - these roles should be closed to you forever. Look only to a bright future. Do not try to control a man and remind him of the past - this is fraught with new problems. Try to start a completely new life and give your ex the opportunity to show that he is ready for changes in order to save the family.
Building relationships from scratch
You should not be led by feelings and be too hasty in making a decision to live together. The relationship between the former couple should develop gradually, give yourself and your partner time to meet, like for the first time, to look after each other, if there is such a desire. During this period, it is important to carefully observe the person, and then it will become clear whether he has really changed and become different. Otherwise, an attempt to reunite the family again may result in a new psychological trauma with a repetition of past negative experiences. During the courtship period, many things will become noticeable. Try at this time not to dissolve in a person, going into love with your head, but to draw reasonable conclusions in order to make a correct and balanced decision later.
Forming a relationship with an ex-husband should be freed from empty hopes and self-deception. You should not indulge yourself with the illusion that on the basis of emotional and physical attraction, you can create a new successful union with the same person. You should not believe the promises and words of a man that he has changed and now your family life will go completely differently. See how strong his desire to return his family is and what he does for this.
Work on yourself
A person does not change when another partner wants these changes. The ability to change one's life arises when there is a rethinking of one's actions that led to divorce and the breakup of the family by the person himself. Therefore, sometimes it is even useful to leave in order to realize your mistakes and start life from scratch, even with the same person. The main thing is how great the desire to work on oneself is, and what steps are being taken for this.
Unfortunately, marriages don't always work out well. The thought simply does not fit in my head that the person who was closest to you for some time will one day become a complete stranger.
He leaves your house, but at the same time, he does not leave your life: you still think about him out of habit, meet him by chance in the city, maybe even call him up. Well, if you have children together, then communication, at least minimal, simply cannot be avoided.
However, the question of whether to continue relations with an ex-husband or stop them completely after a divorce always arises: you doubt - and this is normal!
You hear a lot of useful and very contradictory advice: “Don’t communicate with this scoundrel” or “Communicate - it can still go back to normal.” How not to get confused, especially if advice is given by people who are very authoritative for you: parents, girlfriends.
Of course, you must decide everything yourself, and close people should support you in this decision.
Communicate to your own detriment
You should not communicate with your ex-husband if you are very upset after the meetings. Communication reminds you of past "happiness" and exacerbates your current "loneliness".
It will be useful to stop meetings even if the ex-spouse talks to you disrespectfully, allows himself to be rude. Before, it was still possible to understand your patience - you wanted to save your family with all your might.
Now you need to let him know that you are not his “property”: he no longer has any rights to you! You are as alien to him as thousands of other women - and he deserved it.
Perhaps, at least for some time, it is necessary to stop meeting and talking to those couples in whose family affairs the “third” or “third” intervened. Nothing clarifies the true attitude towards a person like separation.
"Continuation of the banquet"
However, if you yourself feel that, despite the divorce, despite all the not-so-pleasant moments in your relationship, you need this person, then you should not go against your heart.
It makes no sense to “cut off” your past for those who have a completely respectful and trusting relationship with their ex-husband. Maybe love, passion, tenderness have passed, but friendship remains - one of the components of any marriage. It happens that both the husband and the wife have new families, and they are still interested in each other's life, if possible they help in word or deed.
Divorce is a reason to start over
Divorce is just a documented solution to the issue, but sometimes it is he who helps the spouses get out of the "impasse" in the relationship. None of them really wants to leave - they just needed some kind of relaxation: too much has accumulated. The set “point” becomes the beginning of a new stage in their family life.
Therefore, if you feel that you want to keep your ex-spouse longer at your place, and he doesn’t want to leave your house for the night (he came to pick up some things, find out about the children’s studies, or found some other good reason for in order to find yourself under the same roof with you in the evening), then why do you at this moment remember the advice of your girlfriends that this cannot be forgiven?
Relax, allow yourself at this moment not to think about anything: neither about the past nor about the future. Once again you are close, and everything else does not matter!
Children's surprise
If you have children, then the question is: “Is it worth continuing the relationship with your ex-husband after a divorce?” - redundant for you. You will have to keep in touch with their father in any case, unless, of course, he is the kind of parent who, having received "freedom", completely forgets that he has obligations.
For the sake of children, you can go to great lengths, and even pretend that you, although divorced, still appreciate and respect their father - let your relationship not touch their fragile children's world.
Let's give ourselves a certain setting before the meetings:
1. Be calm.
2. Don't remember the past.
3. Do not demand explanations.
4. Talk respectfully and stick to neutral topics.
5. Look at your ex as a new man in your life - with interest.
It is very difficult, but it gives effective results: he will either respect you like never before, or even fall in love again!
Decide: what do you want? If the ex-spouse really bothers you so much that you have long dreamed of living with him in different parts of the world, then no one has the right to persuade you to “love” him again.
But, perhaps, in the depths of your soul, a spark of hope is smoldering. Then communicate and do not forget about one piece of advice - look at your ex-husband the way you looked at him at the time when you were his bride.
In contact with
Divorce is always a huge shock in the life of any person. None of the former spouses are left to benefit from this. But most often, the biggest psychological loss is not the spouse who chose freedom or preferred a new partner, but the one who realizes that he is left without a loved one. It is very difficult for him in this difficult time to remain calm, restraint, control himself. It is difficult to hide despair and pain from the people around you, and most importantly, from your own children.
In addition, divorce radically changes the lives of both spouses. They have a huge number of new problems. For example, women experience economic hardship if they stay with children. Gradually, personal tastes and preferences are changing, the whole habitual way of life is changing, including relationships with mutual friends, relatives on both sides.
Most often, it is women who try to permanently break off relationships that bring them pain. After the dissolution of a marriage, many ex-wives try to erase their ex-husband from life. Pain, resentment, anger are still very strong. Often the psychological trauma inflicted does not heal for many years, sometimes throughout life.
However, it happens that even after a divorce, a woman does not let her ex-spouse out of her sight, takes care of him, preventing him from establishing new relationships and creating another family. But here, of course, it all depends on the nature of the former, their temperament, as well as the reason for the breakup.
Conversely, ex-husbands can also behave, although less frequently.
Both of these situations go beyond the boundaries of normal relations and require correction. No need to torment yourself with destructive anger, resentment. Also, one should not cling to a non-existent hope to renew old relationships, to bring them back. Of course, the psychology of relations between former spouses does not have to be friendly. However, it is impossible to become enemies for the rest of your life. Especially if dad and mom are raising a common child who equally needs the love of each of them.
Therefore, no matter what you had to go through, remember that life does not end there and it is better to maintain normal relations than to hate each other. And if the ex-spouse is ready to maintain a good relationship with you, there is no need to prevent this, if only for the sake of the psychological comfort of your children.
However, it is very important to consider the reason that led to the destruction of the family. For example, advice about maintaining a good relationship does not apply if the divorce was due to the husband's or wife's alcoholism, drug addiction, or assault. In this case, it is better to protect or completely terminate relations with him.
But if the reason for the dissolution of the marriage is a domestic conflict or psychological inconsistency, then a good relationship can be maintained. We must continue to live on, strive for new relationships. At the same time, you need to remember the common mistakes that former spouses make and try to avoid them.
The most common mistakes after divorce
Probably, there is no such family where, after a divorce, the spouses would not make frequent mistakes. These mistakes add tension to an already difficult relationship. Therefore, I suggest that you briefly consider the most common of them, and if possible try to avoid them:
No one will argue that the most important moment in the dissolution of a marriage is the division of common property. It used to be that a man left the family with one suitcase, leaving everything acquired in marriage to his ex-wife and children. Modern spouses prefer to share everything, and take most of the property for themselves. Naturally, such a process is accompanied by scandals, exhausting both, takes a lot of time and effort.
Often after a divorce, a woman, wanting to take revenge on her ex-husband, begins to manipulate the children, who most often stay to live with her. Wanting to inflict psychological trauma on a loving father who is hard going through separation from a child, a woman, first of all, injures her own son or daughter, without thinking, forgetting about their feelings.
The subsequent, normal relations between the former spouses are also affected by understatement. For example, many couples try not to discuss the reason for the divorce among themselves. Such understatement causes tension between them, hinders the establishment of good relations, and prevents further communication. Therefore, remember that even if it is very difficult to talk to each other, you still have to do it.
And yet, many women are sure that men do not go through divorce and family breakdown as much as they do. But psychologists say otherwise. The majority of men after a divorce experience a strong sense of guilt that they could not save the marriage. They worry that they could not give happiness to the one they once loved. Therefore, often, it is for this reason that they try to avoid meeting with their ex-wife.
In conclusion, it should be noted that the former spouses are quite capable of maintaining normal relations and avoiding common mistakes. The fact is, having learned to forgive, you can let go of the past, free yourself from the departed relationship. Only in this way can you build a new, happy future, find love, build a strong family.