How to adopt a husband's children from his first marriage - advice from a wise woman. The husband's son from his first marriage is a spoiled bastard who is trying to harvest his parents' divorce. my husband tried to shorten our communication with him as much as possible. who knows the recipe how to fight
Hello. My story is banal like many others, I hate my husband's son, just some kind of pathological hatred. My husband got married when he was 19 years old, and she was 30, she decided to fool the boy by flying, stupid. It was clear that their marriage was doomed, they did not live long divorced and she took the child and left for another city. As far as I know, they really did not see each other and did not communicate, only came on vacation. The husband paid alimony, and considerable. When I got married, I knew about the child, he told me that he got married without love, but by I thought I’ll get used to it, maybe we’ll even make friends. When I gave birth to our common son, my opinion changed. I know it was jealousy. When his son, let's call him Vasya, came to visit us and saw us, that is, me, my husband and our son that everything is fine with us our family is not the same as theirs. he burst into tears and began to blackmail with his tears, his behavior, although at that time he was already 12 years old, he understood everything perfectly. And somehow I saw that when our son was reaching out to dad, he was his pushed my son away, fell, cried, and this so as not to offend Vasya! Then hatred arose in me. Of course, we had a fight on this topic, I expressed everything and said that henceforth there would be no caresses about Vasya in front of me, you will not have me at least for Give him his head, but I won't tolerate it, I avenged my son. Then he left, everything seemed to calm down. But the calls from his ex became more frequent, the son began to call too. Then he began to come more often in pursuit of material goals, even her husband noticed it and I became even more irritated. Although my husband says that he loves our common children more. that he did not participate in Vasya’s life in any way, so that I don’t take it into my head and don’t score. But my mother-in-law also played a big role in my hatred of Vasya. I will not go into details, but she is a very stupid woman, and she tortured me with her talk about her husband’s former family. It sits deep in me, and I don’t know how to deal with it. In the end, I should not and should not love this kid. Head I understand that I am wrong, etc. and so on, that the child is not to blame for anything, but I can’t help myself. Explain how to cope with this
Psychologists' Answers
It is possible to explain in a letter, but it is almost impossible to carry out what has been said.
I would say this - in order to calmly interact with the child from the first marriage, you yourself need to become a more mature person.
What this means and how to achieve it - you can work out at the reception.
Otherwise, whatever you are not told can lead to the opposite result.
Or it will not "take" in the hands at all.
G. Idrisov.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0Hello!
"I shouldn't and shouldn't love this kid. "- I completely agree with you!
I want to give you one example: In an interview, Larisa Golubkina (this is the wife of Andrei Mironov, a famous Soviet actor), said that it so happened that his own daughter, Maria Mironova, did not live with them. And the daughter of Golubkina, the same Maria, was adopted by Mironov and, in general, was brought up like a mother! So here's what interested me as a psychologist:
Andrei Mironov, having two daughters, never took them anywhere, that is, they met after his death, being already adult women. They are both successful girls, actresses.
So you draw conclusions, how wisely this man acted, he somehow realized that it was not necessary to take these children and did not hurt one of them. I began to admire this man even more. And I want to convey to your husband that he made a big mistake by bringing his son to your house. You have to think about the consequences, and if you don’t know something, you will turn to a specialist for advice, the 21st century is outside, it’s not a shame!
And if you still want to fix something, seek the advice of a psychologist, but not to the one who will persuade you to fall in love with someone (I mean, children)!
Good luck to you and your personal psychologist!
Good answer 3 Bad answer 1 
Hello Camila! You really don't have to love this kid. But he, too, is not obliged to love your son. You need to agree with your husband when Vasya will come. He has the right to communicate with his father and his jealousy is understandable, he is only 12 years old. He wants attention in his own way and tries to get it in every possible way. Fighting a teenager is inherently unequal and will lead to nothing. As an adult, you need to take a wiser position. Tell Vasya that you do not like it when he behaves this way. Tell him about the rules of conduct at your home, discuss them in advance with your husband. Tell your husband about your concerns, and together think about how to improve the relationship. If you find it difficult to cope with your condition, contact a psychologist. Good luck to you!
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0CAMILA!
I totally agree with you that you are wrong! And the child is not to blame! It turns out some kind of painful jealousy! - And you can’t do anything with yourself! You cannot help here with advice, you need to contact a psychologist - it will be more productive and useful for you than harassing yourself and those around you with jealousy!
I wish you harmony and happiness in your family life!
From SW. and interest in you Olga V.
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0 
Hello Kamila, you are absolutely right that you are not obliged to love this child, especially as your own. But to violate its boundaries in the sense of relations with the father is also not worth it, in my opinion. Best of all - a neutral position, when you do not interfere with his communication with his father, but try not to participate in this yourself. Regarding the relationship between two brothers, I can say one thing: jealousy exists between siblings living in the same family. And what another (I know firsthand, I have two sons). So I don’t think that the elder poses a real threat to your son, but jealousy on his part was, is and will be. If they lived together, then it would be overcome by compatibility, and so - it, most likely, will only progress and manifest itself when the elder arrives at your house. But fraternal jealousy is also a necessary and important experience in personal development, so try not to deprive your son of this experience, while ensuring, of course, a basic level of security. All the best, Elena.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0When they remarry, most men leave children in their first family, whom they do not stop caring for. Often, the husband's children from the first marriage remain in the second family for various reasons: the poor financial situation of the ex-wife, her departure from the country to the far abroad, or her own decision with a desire to gradually return the love of her husband and family.
To love or not to love, to be a new family or not to be?
Not every woman who has started a family with a divorced man wants or can raise her husband's child. Sometimes a woman begins to be jealous of her husband for his past, ex-wife and children, and sometimes she simply does not have enough experience to raise her husband’s already grown daughter from her first marriage or several children.
Often there is confrontation and rivalry between two women (wives) in the desire to take possession of a man's heart and to possess it alone. This cold war uses different methods to keep the family happy, but only children are affected. Children take all the negativity and disagreements between the father and stepmother at their own expense and are constantly in a stressful state.
In other cases, the second wife gets along with the children and takes good care of them, but is also under stress due to jealousy of the ex-wife and her children, fear of losing a loved one, and therefore makes irreparable mistakes that the man cannot accept or forgive.
When marrying a divorced man, a woman must understand and firmly accept a loved one with all his past, which has become an integral part of his life. There is no point in changing or forgetting her past, therefore, to create a strong family, a woman needs to reconcile and accept her husband with her children, or find another man for herself, without the "burden" behind her shoulders.
If the husband's daughter or son from his first marriage lives in a new family, it is important to understand that the ex-wife can participate in raising the child, visit him, call the ex-husband, which is necessary for the well-being and peace of mind of both the child and all adults around him. and educating. In turn, the stepmother should discuss with her husband the methods of raising and caring for his child. Joint children cannot be separated from step-daughters or sons in terms of nutrition, clothing, routine and family regime, attention and love. You can't love a child more or less. They are either loved or not. If a woman cannot fall in love with her husband's child from her first marriage, she should not start a family with such a man, since she herself will suffer in the first place. Love and well-being in the family will be replaced by anger and irritation, which will lead to divorce.
What if…
If the child remains in the first family, then the woman will have to come to terms with the fact that the ex-wife will call her husband with messages about the child's health, his successes or problems, or with a request to buy something for him, take him to the cinema or the zoo. In this case, the psychological well-being of the new wife fades into the background, since the ex-wife considers herself a victim, not an aggressor - she will no longer have the opportunity to give birth and raise a child with her former husband in a complete family. Therefore, you need to find strength and be sympathetic to her regular visits to her husband's life.
It will be better for everyone if the wife does not interfere with the communication of the husband with the child and the wife from the first marriage. A woman who tries to maintain excellent relations in the family will herself remind her husband that he has a child who needs the attention of his father. She herself will find opportunities and ways to create good relationships with his children, she will not transfer all the negativity associated with jealousy of her ex-wife to her husband's child.
An intelligent and far-sighted woman does not associate love for a child with the relationship between her and his father, she remembers that her husband chose her for love and creating a family, and now he is next to her. She understands that a child is much weaker than an adult and is more difficult to endure a divorce of parents, therefore she is not able to take away the love and attention of a man from her. If the presence of someone else's child still weighs on the woman, you need to leave the husband alone with the child as much as the situation requires.
A woman who constantly wants to have an extremely close relationship with her husband emotionally, most often there is jealousy of the past of her beloved, since she considers him “the most,” and the only one in the world and wants her husband to treat her the same way. She understands that her husband had feelings for other women, which further aggravates jealousy and causes fear, because her husband was not and never will be in those emotional ties. She is afraid that he may return to his ex-wife, constantly compares herself with her, the efforts of the experience and jealousy and throwing off the negative on the child.
To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to rely on real events in which the current relationship is very important. A woman must take into account that her husband has chosen and loves her for those qualities that are of value and significance to him. She must thank her ex-wife in her heart for the child, whom her husband is so happy about, who can just unite and strengthen their family.
If a wife does not trust her husband, if she feels insecure about herself and her strength, friction arises in the relationship between her, the husband and his child. A confident woman will not suspect her husband in connection with his ex-wife. If, at the sight of her reflection in the mirror, her own attractiveness does not please a woman, then in order to interest a man for many years, you need to go to a spa or hairdresser, visit a stylist - take care of your appearance! Then confidence will return, and suspicions of all mortal sins of the husband will disappear, relations with his children will improve.
How to gain the authority of a child
The child always feels the attitude towards himself from the parents, especially from the stepmother: love or attention or irritation and anger. They see all the actions of adults trying to quickly "get rid" of the child, then he considers himself an annoying obstacle in the relationship between the father and stepmother. In other cases, the child sees all the efforts of the parents to create friendly relations in the family, so he gradually becomes imbued with respect and love for his stepmother, because you cannot force anyone to love oneself overnight.
Sometimes a child is jealous of his father, since he previously owned him completely. Now he has to share his father's love with his new mother. In this situation, a woman needs to show her husband's child that she does not claim all his father's free time, more often to organize joint walks or games for them. Nothing brings people together like shared positive emotions. Time will pass, and the child will no longer oppose himself to his stepmother.
If the husband is in no hurry to have children together, this also becomes a stumbling block between her other people's children. For dreams of your own child to come true, you need to take your husband's child as allies. With a trusting and kind relationship between a stepmother and her husband's child, she will be able to convince him of the need to have a brother or sister. Then the son or daughter themselves will ask the father so that he and the stepmother give them a little and dear friend or girlfriend.
When a woman builds her relationship with her husband's child, it is not recommended to show excessive lisp and exaggerate her delight in communicating with him, to give a large number of gifts. So a stepmother can cultivate a consumer attitude towards herself. You need to show attention and be interested in his affairs, give advice, without imposing your opinion. One should always be interested in what the child himself wants and discuss this with her husband when the need arises. Love between a stepmother and a child will sooner or later arise along with a trusting relationship. With age, the child will understand that building such a relationship is sometimes very difficult and difficult.
How does a child feel in a new family?
If you look at the situation of a father's marriage to a strange woman through the eyes of a child whose life is fundamentally changing without taking into account his desires, then one can understand that the child is seized by fear and despair. If the father leaves the mother, then the son or daughter may blame themselves for this or consider themselves useless to anyone. If a stranger comes to their house as the father's new wife, the child will become jealous of her father, afraid of losing his love and attention. In addition, he will have to carry out errands and reckon with the opinion of his stepmother. Fear does not allow the child to control the situation, then his familiar world collapses or changes. Situations like this lead the child to manipulate adults in order to achieve what he wants, even at the cost of a broken relationship between father and stepmother.
In such situations, when a child by his behavior provokes aggression, it is important for a woman to find a middle ground, that is, not to become a tyrant, but not to follow his lead, not to stand "on his head" to appease him or cheer him up, not to praise the child and buy him "everything at once" that he wants. A child can distinguish hypocrisy from a sincere and kind attitude, can appreciate human warmth.
Now we can summarize. What does a woman need to do to maintain her marriage with a divorced man with children? Recommended:
- To accept a loved one with his children and relationships with ex-wives. To build her relationships taking into account her husband's past, because she knew what she was agreeing to when creating a family.
- Remember and not hope that the former rival will take into account her psychological well-being.
- You don't need to feel a sense of aggression and guilt towards your husband's ex-wife and make this feeling a cornerstone. It is necessary to treat her and her husband's child with respect and responsibility, which can create trusting relationships in the family, which a joint child will help to strengthen.
- Do not interfere with the communication of the husband with his ex-wife and children for the purpose of raising and caring for children. Show loyalty and not forbid the husband to call and receive calls from the children and the first wife, accept the child in a new family, communicate and go for walks with him.
- Find a common language with the husband's children, diversify communication with gifts and entertainment. If the first wife is against such communication, there is no need to insist and be offended, allowing the father to independently solve problems with the children.
- Remember that a man can become a follower and lose independence if, for the sake of his wife, he stops caring and communicating with children from his first marriage. If family relations lead to divorce, then a man can do the same with his second wife.
- Allow a man to firmly strengthen his paternal position in relation to joint and children from his first marriage, to build a "civilized" relationship with his first wife. Equal treatment should be both for joint children and for children from the first marriage.
Often a man feels himself as a "prize" in the struggle between the past and the present, in the struggle between two women. Some men like it, many are annoying and make life uncomfortable.
When getting married after a divorce, for its preservation and well-being in the family, a man is recommended:
- Do not forget that he remains a father to his children who remained in the first family.
- Respect your ex-wife, despite the unsightly actions she commits during the first period of separation.
- Maintain and develop communication between the new wife and children from the first marriage, without requiring great love from her. With successful attempts to build a relationship between a wife and a son or daughter, give her compliments, often give flowers and surprises, possibly with children.
- To eliminate jealousy on the part of the wife, you need to create a "transparent" relationship with the past family, to convince the wife that she is the main woman in his life. A confident woman is always loyal to the mother of his children, creates a calm atmosphere in the house.
- Do not separate children from new and past marriages, treat everyone equally, so as not to provoke childish jealousy, the consequences of which can be deplorable. You need to make all children feel needed and loved
If the child feels the father's care and attention from his second wife, her kind attitude, his psyche and health will not suffer, which will have a positive effect on the demeanor and warm atmosphere in families.
A woman, having married, always wants to feel like the mistress of the situation. It is better when a young couple lives separately from their parents - this reduces the likelihood of conflicts. But what if the spouse already has a child from his first marriage? How to build a relationship with him without being in the background and not forgetting about yourself? Rarely, but still, there is a situation when a man is forced to raise a son or daughter of his ex-wife. In this case, conflicts often arise, and even the best relationships can deteriorate over time.
The second wife is required to show the utmost delicacy and be objective enough at the same time. It is not always possible to recognize a difficult situation in time, women tend to suppress negative feelings in themselves, not to speak them out loud. However, hushing up the problem only leads to its aggravation, and not a solution. In fact, the difficult task falls on her shoulders: to force herself to love a child who only annoys, and to be able to cope with her feelings. Rarely does anyone really admit to their husband that they cannot accept someone else's child. How to behave correctly in this situation, how to treat the baby?
The origins of the problem
Where does this oppressive feeling of one's own uselessness and hopelessness come from? Why is an adult suddenly pierced with a feeling of loneliness, uselessness? Women are often jealous of their partner's children. They themselves are ashamed of such a state of inner emptiness and anger, therefore they cannot tell others about it, fearing condemnation, and even more so to a loved one. It seems to such women that, having confessed, they will immediately sign their own stupidity and weakness. They say, they were not able to overcome their childish grievances, somehow compensate for their dislike.
Indeed, there are reasons for the stifling jealousy of children, which sometimes reaches the point of absurdity. Most often, they are hidden in our subconscious. Today, few people can boast that they had a happy childhood in a complete family with a father and mother. Often women have to bring up children. And in a purely female environment, a girl cannot grow up with a feeling of complete well-being. In the future, such children will always look for confirmation from others that they can be truly loved not for some significant achievements, but just like that. If you are greatly annoyed by your husband's daughter or son from your first marriage, know that you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with this feeling, it is even natural, but you definitely need to work with it, otherwise you can lose your family and lose your trust in the world.
What exactly does a woman feel?
A young wife is usually very jealous. Although she intellectually realizes that the feeling is wrong and by no means characterizes her from the best side, it is very difficult to cope with it. Irritation can appear at the most inopportune moment and knock out of the usual rut. Jealousy destroys the most beautiful, reverent feelings for her husband and subconsciously the wife begins to get angry with him too. Why it happens? She may consider him indirectly to blame for what she had to experience, for those uncontrollable emotions that destroy from the inside, do not make her feel completely satisfied and happy.
The nature of a woman is such that she needs to feel like the only one for a man. She should know that her husband belongs entirely to her alone, and there is no one in the world more important to her husband. Often, wives are jealous of those children of their husbands who are somewhat similar to themselves. They are simply enraged by the situation when they are forced to endure the presence of someone else's son or daughter nearby and at the same time not be able to express their feelings. Shame, reproach of conscience, self-disappointment - the list goes on and on. It seems that they cannot be detected directly, because the husband will certainly be offended or consider his wife an immature person. But is it really so?
Acceptance of the situation
The worst thing that a woman can do in this situation is to say to herself: "If I hate my husband's child from his first marriage, then something is wrong with me, I am bad." In fact, irritation arises from the fact that she cannot control the situation, control herself at this moment. As a rule, these are strong and self-sufficient women who want to be the first in everything. The emerging feeling of hatred for the little daughter or son of her husband is alarming, causes fear and surprise. You don't need to blame yourself for the emotions you feel. It is important to know how to work with them correctly. Only in this case, over time, it will be possible to build honest harmonious relations with the spouse's children, treat him with warmth.
Acceptance of the situation begins with the withdrawal of accusations against oneself. It is necessary to learn to understand that our feelings are not good or bad, they just show the state of mind at a given moment in time. Feelings reflect the emotional sphere of a person to about the same extent as a speedometer, which shows the speed of a car. For example, if the traffic is too fast, you wouldn't think of blaming the car, would you? An adequate person understands that the steering wheel is in his hands and it is he who controls the situation. You cannot return the past, you cannot leave it or change the unsatisfying components, you just need to let it go. You can't constantly go back to what happened to you when you were five or seven years old. To accept the mistakes of the past means to get rid of them in the future.
Support for the husband
Oddly enough it sounds, the spouse finds himself in a position much more unenviable than his wife, emanating from jealousy. A man has to be between two fires: he constantly rushes from one side to the other, trying to reconcile them. He does not know how to behave correctly so that there are fewer quarrels and conflicts in the family. Seeing how maddened his wife is at the present situation, he begins to fear for the future and does not know what to do. If there are still children in the family, a man often cannot evenly share his love and care between them. It seems to him that he will definitely forget about someone or begin to treat with less responsibility.
In fact, the woman is responsible for the emotional well-being of the family. Only she is able to create such an atmosphere of coziness in which a man will feel comfortable. If the wife considers herself wise enough, then she, first of all, will respect herself, and then only the children of her beloved. And the people around them will admire this particular feature. If a spouse has a daughter from his first marriage, then it is the wife who must make certain efforts to make friends with her and stop seeing a rival in the little child. How should a caring spouse behave towards her husband?
Share everyday worries
It is known that it is very difficult, practically unbearable, to solve complex issues related to upbringing alone. If you are married to someone who has a child from a previous union, stop panicking. You shouldn't consider yourself a victim of the situation. Think, maybe, the spouse has a much harder time? He must manage to give all those close to him with his care and attention. So help him with this! Begin to show interest in your husband's child yourself, and this step will help you more quickly accept the baby as a family. Perhaps in the future you will begin to love him no less than your own children. If the situation itself pisses off, admit it to yourself and keep acting. Take a closer look at the child: maybe he needs to buy something or help with treatment? Make time for the necessary items. Take to a tutor, cure tooth decay or go to nature - everything is in your power. Believe me, your spouse will definitely appreciate your efforts and will treat you with even more attention.
Exit to a confidential dialogue
Other people's children grow up very quickly. From the outside, it seems that they have no problems. In fact, this is seeming carelessness. Surely they have a very hard time at some moments of childhood. Can you imagine what feelings a re-marriage of a father can cause in a kid? For him, you are someone else's aunt who arose in order to destroy the safety and comfort zone. You can see that some children, finding themselves in a similar situation, are lost and embarrassed, while others, on the contrary, show aggression. A sensitive, attentive attitude towards the child will help dispel all fears and doubts. This will make you feel better yourself and make it easier for your baby to communicate. Over time, it is possible that you can even fall in love with this child, and he will cease to cause irritation.
How to build relationships?
Children are very sensitive to changes taking place around them. And if the situation gets worse, it will be much more difficult to fix it than to solve the problem at the first stage. You don't need to accumulate negative emotions in yourself. Falling in love at once will not work, you need effective work on yourself. Try to do everything in your power to build normal, trusting communication. It doesn’t matter that your husband’s daughter runs away from her first marriage at the sight of an unfamiliar aunt. You are an adult, you should be wiser and act accordingly!
Joint pastime
No matter how busy you are at work or everyday chores around the house, if you want to make friends with your husband's child, find free hours for private conversation or outdoor activities. Choose what is right for you: walking on the street, gymnastics, reading books, or maybe watching cartoons together. Children love it when adults share their hobbies and interests. Become for the child, if not a mother, then at least a caring friend who will always help at the right time. Believe me, your spouse will be grateful to you, because it is very pleasant when your child is taken care of and supported.
Joint affairs bring together, help to reveal the personality. The time will come when the husband's child will begin to share his problems with you. But this will only be possible when absolute trust is formed.
Share your emotions
The more vivid impressions, smiles and joy you give your child, the more positive impression he will have of your person. Do not be afraid to give your emotions, do not be afraid to surprise with pleasant surprises! A child always needs attention and it is doubly pleasant to receive from that person from whom you do not expect. It must be admitted that children are very wary of the second half of their parents, because they do not want to share their love with someone else.
To make it pleasant for your child to communicate with you, try to be as friendly as possible. Tune in to a wave of positive energy, and then in the future you will not have to regret any rash actions. You don’t need to fence yourself off from your child, don’t let him feel superfluous. Believe me, he really experiences as much as you do.
Make gifts
Only generous people know how to truly share and give joy to others. Become a generous person who enjoys seeing a happy smile from a child. Gifts are the shortest way to a baby's heart. What child doesn't like to receive surprises? Just try to keep them from looking like you're buying attention and kindness. Don't expect anything in return! Give just like that, from the heart, from the bottom of your heart!
Gifts are very endearing, there is a feeling of unsurpassed generosity, it seems that you can make the whole world happy. Find out from your spouse what his child dreams of, and feel free to start realizing the wishes of the little man. Let such an event come as a surprise to the baby, the main thing is that it pleases him. Gifts like nothing else help to win over the child, to establish an honest trusting relationship with him.
Thus, the presence of jealousy for the husband's child should not become the reason for the formation of coldness and alienation. A woman in this situation should remember that she is an adult who has seen a lot in life. There is no need to continue hiding behind your children's complexes. Finally, take responsibility for family relationships. And then you will be able to discern in the child the husband of your friend, and not the enemy.
Good evening, for the 5th year now there are strong problems with my husband because of his son. Every year I don't see him more and more. I can’t see or hear him. Although I understand that he is not to blame for anything, but I cannot do anything with the subwoofer. I don't want to part with my husband either, he sees it all and tries to put pressure on me so that I would think. It presses with threats and tears on my knees, but I can’t overcome myself in my anger towards the kid. He lives with his mother and comes to us for the weekend, he is already 12 years old. Surely he also suffers from my attitude towards him. My daughter also suffers, also from her first marriage, she sees almost every day our ruffians with her husband, and her behavior at school has become completely bad. I understand with my head that this is impossible, I need help to find that key to my soul.
Julia pretzer
Hello Julia. Tell me - how old are you, your husband and your daughter? Do you have children in common with your current husband? Do I understand correctly that you have been together for 5 years? Are you both working? Do you live in his or your apartment? What do you think - what is the reason for your anger and hostility towards your husband's son? What is he saying / doing wrong?
Good day,
We have been together for the 8th year already, there are no common children, he is categorically against more children. I am 35 years old, my husband is 39, my daughters are 10 years old. We both work and also earn extra money. We used to live in his apartment, now we bought a house, but I still don't feel at home. Just as before, I'm waiting for us to fight and he will start to kick me out of this house, although we bought it together. To be honest, he does not say anything that is now offensive and not accepted, before, yes, that my husband loves me, but loves his mother, that she will soon return to their apartment, and Milla and I will have to screw up, that I am not who for him to obey he won't be me. His mom and I didn't get along either. She said a lot of bad things about me, and the most important thing is that the kid does not look like dad at all, but a copy of mom.
Julia pretzer
Julia, tell me - that your husband is categorically against a common child, do you share or not? I understand your feelings towards your son, but here it is important to understand that the boy says not what he really thinks, but what his mother put into his head (after all, you appeared in your husband's life when the son was still young). Therefore, it is legitimate to feel anger not with the child, but with the ex-wife. What strains you most in the boy's words is the feeling of a threat to your union with your husband, the feeling that you are not respected or appreciated (you are "bad"), unfulfilled expectations (I wanted a different relationship with my son) and the feeling of my own powerlessness to build the desired relationship with the boy , something else?
Maria, the fact is that these are not the words of the mother (well, maybe 50/50), but his jealousy was, His mother always benefited from our good relations with them, at the beginning of our relationship with her husband, he was always with us, my mother set up personal life. So angry at both. I think that I have jealousy for the child, for his mother, that my husband gave birth to a child with her, but does not want to be with me. I wanted another child, but now with such a relationship between us, and the strength of age, it is no longer quite. Another big fact is that my husband made me love him (hug, kiss, look after him), while his mother is only engaged in subwoofer, they did not bring him into the world for me, let them "love" him. Due to my character, I don't see when they force me, then I start to do everything in reverse, explained 1000 times, leave me alone, it will pass over time for me, I left it, for exactly two weeks, and then again the showdown.
I really feel sorry for him, no one needed him, but this pity for him, unfortunately for all of us, did not help, but only turned into slovency and no news every year more and more. I myself suffer from this, I suffer, I ask God for help, I have already been with a psychologist, but nothing helps, I am on the verge of divorce, because my husband can no longer bear my disgust for the boy, out of anger he began to take revenge on my daughter, that I would have thought that it is impossible to do this with nothing innocent child. What should I do, I do not want another divorce, for my stupidity and pride.
Julia pretzer
Julia, I have a different opinion about the nature of your negative feelings. The incomprehensible and in some places negative attitude of the ex-wife towards you can be explained, the jealousy and resentment of the son, too, - however, it was the husband who helped the son stay with you while his mother arranged his personal life, this husband does not want more children, although you do not mind it is the husband who makes him love him and, like a child, takes revenge on your daughter for your dislike of your son. Only you cannot be angry with your husband, because you are building a relationship with him, and it is safer to be angry with a child. Probably, your attitude towards your son is a projection of your attitude towards your husband. What do you think - this is the place to be?
Oh, you are absolutely right, I am still angry with my husband, but not as brightly as with the boy, he already cracks me, I can’t even look at him, eat with one steel, hear his voice. But you are right in all this, his father is to blame, forcibly imposing him on me. When my mother has a boy, my husband and I have a very good relationship, he also treats the girl like a dad (though he really doesn’t deal with upbringing, just play around, play with it). But as it comes to Friday, everything, and I am like a madman and my husband immediately changes in mood, but it always starts first. I know for sure, if I start to be friends with the boy, he will beat me in his arms, and he will want another child (after all, because of this, he does not want, he is afraid if a child like him is born, he will stop loving the boy as he does now, and I won't let him in on the doorstep anymore). How can I start to be friends with him if I even try to leave home for the weekend. Help.
Julia pretzer
Julia, the first step has already been taken: you realize that you are rejecting not the boy himself, but the negative manifestations of the husband transferred to him. Everything that is described above (for which you are angry with your husband) should be discussed with your husband in a calm atmosphere, when he will be inclined to talk. At the same time, you need to try to see in the boy through the pile of your projections him himself - a defenseless teenager who is actually entering a very difficult period of growing up (painful search for himself and his place in the world). For him, the support of the father, with whom the son subconsciously identifies, is now more important than ever. Your task is to see the deep vulnerability behind the assumed rudeness, jealousy and anger of your son, which he carefully masks. He is just a boy suffering from his own powerlessness to change the situation (he probably wanted his parents to stay together, and the stress of their breakup and the subsequent relationship of each with another partner became unbearable for his son). It would be nice to sincerely tell the boy that you understand how difficult it was for him all this time, but you would like to build friendly relations with him, and hope that he wants the same.
... Living with someone else's child is a test both for the child and for his "stepfather" or new mother. Here everyone goes through for strength - former spouses, children. But how much a person should love children in order to become a father / mother to someone else's baby. Establishing a relationship with the past is difficult. As they say, raising a child is not easy, especially if it is not your child.
According to Tarana (name changed due to ethical considerations), her relationship with her husband's son began to deteriorate as soon as she became his wife.
“I remember one day my husband scolded his son for a minor oversight, quarreled almost from scratch. In the midst of a quarrel, the child began to kick me out of the house, and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. to sound almost every meeting with him. The boy suddenly became uncontrollable, wayward, overly emotional, it was as if he was replaced. He ignores the rules of our family, argues with me about and without. I sometimes feel sorry for him, he feels unnecessary for his father, superfluous in our family I try to befriend him, but he turns me off.
After another conversation with me, my husband tried to talk to him like a man - but, unfortunately, it was useless. The spouse asks to be patient a little, they say, this is his age ... transitional, turning point. I tried to establish contact with him myself, to find out what caused such a humiliating attitude towards me? "
According to the woman, her husband talked a lot with the boy, explained that he still loved him very much. Tarana, in turn, more than once tried to make friends with him after these events, gave gifts, was interested in lessons. But, as the woman admits, she could not find a common language with him. She does not understand why the son allows himself to speak badly about the father. For the spouse, this situation is stalemate. He is between two fires due to the fact that his family and loved ones cannot find a common language, says Tarana.
"... Our house is turning into a training ground, where, first of all, my relationship with my spouse is losing. The war with the child, which the mother sets up, has a very painful effect on the family, it wears out each of us. We are all losers in it, there are no winners in it ... and there never will be.
Tural (the name was changed due to ethical considerations) has become completely uncontrollable, he perceives all requests, exhortations, instructions as a clear desire to offend him, so he does everything to spite us. Does not understand words such as "not allowed", "obscene". He got used to the fact that his family fulfilled all his desires at a click.
As it turned out, his own mother sets her son up against his father and, naturally, against me, as if I do not want to see Tural in our house, spend money on him. The boy shouted about this in one of the quarrels, declaring in plain text that I was "no one, and I did not stand next to his mother." The ex-wife does not disdain the most vile means to annoy us. This time she decided to involve her own son in the showdown. "Mother" does not think about what spoils the psyche of a teenager. As a result, everyone suffers: she, the child, me and my spouse. The relationship has reached an impasse, and it is no longer just hostility that shines through in our words, but, at times, hatred. "
According to the woman, her husband disappears for two days at two jobs, constantly traveling, comes home long after midnight, and can go to work on weekends. He is not a "Sunday dad" who prefers to pay off his child with expensive gifts. The Pope sincerely wishes to build friendships. He is a wonderful dad, caring, responsible, says the woman. According to her, after the divorce, he remained single for about six years, was afraid of a new relationship, and even experienced a divorce for a long time. In addition, he did not want to injure the child.
"I take care of his son and our common daughter alone, often I take the boy to visit us myself. I have no grandmothers or other helpers, I am actually attached to children, I rarely go to visit someone, I do not go to work."
In connection with the tense situation at home, Tarana also consulted a child psychologist. She was advised to remain calm, even confident, not to succumb to provocations.
"I do not want to condemn any of my relatives: my husband, Tural or me. Perhaps I need help, maybe someone has come across a similar situation, will advise on what to do ..."
Zarina Oruj