How to get over a breakup after a long relationship
In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is a very important event, because it is only on the one hand the end of something. More importantly, parting is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is right, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a truer understanding of love. It was the separation that helped a huge number of people to become adults, loving and happy people.
The theme of parting in full. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the operation of the Perezhit.ru website. This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but will help you structure and better understand the material.
1. Put an end
If the separation has occurred, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person is gone, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to those relations that were.
Stories are different. Unfortunately, there are separations in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that it is necessary to put an end to it, I do not say: shut the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. Not! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with a breakup means letting go of a person. Recognize his right to such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.
Theoretically, it is possible that after some time both of you will change, and a meeting of new you may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.
But the people you are now couldn't be together. The path you were on has come to this point. And at this point it ended. The person you are now must recognize and accept this.
If you have even a little love for this person, recognize his right to be free. Release and bless him.
Say to yourself, addressing this person: “I let you go! Bless you!"
The cessation of attempts to return a person, the cessation of hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for the successful experience of parting. Some cling to a person for months and years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.
Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further - the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is a good rule: “When you leave, leave!”
And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one you cling to, but quite the contrary.
2. Overcome intrusive thoughts
In most crises, we suffer not from the situation itself, but from false obsessive thoughts about it. "You won't find someone as good as her." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It's impossible to love someone like you." “I won’t love anyone like that again” (this is usually for girls aged 15-18), “There is no need to live anymore.” These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.
Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% are from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.
First of all, we need to recognize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deceit, is trying to plunge us into despair and almost kill us from the world. These thoughts are not generated by you! They have come from outside to harm you. To accept a thought or not to accept is in our power. If we accept it and begin to “chew it”, then it becomes, as it were, ours.
What do psychologists of women's and popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity that will help you take your mind off heavy thoughts. This is as “wise” as advising a front line soldier to turn away from the enemy so as not to see his nasty face, and do something else. Like, you can't see him, so he's gone.
And what about the fact that just at that moment he will put a bullet in your back?
My advice is unequivocal - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real opportunity to deal with this enemy. A thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover can protect. Thought can only be defeated by thought!
How to win?
Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some hope, with the help of a discussion with thoughts that overcome them, to analyze something, to judge, to make some kind of decision. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and right decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by combating obsessive thoughts.
The only way to overcome false thoughts is to oppose them with true, kind thoughts, clothed in the power of prayer.
To do this, it is necessary, first of all, to constantly control what kind of thought torments you. That's what I call looking the enemy in the face.
Second, to oppose this thought with an appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is opposite to the thought that torments at the moment. Three or four short prayers are enough to “deal with” most of the obsessive thoughts in a breakup situation.
If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, grumbling or fear.
Typical thoughts are: “I won’t love anyone else”, “I won’t feel so good with anyone else”, “My life no longer makes sense”, “How can I, poor thing, now live?”. Our worst enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with ruthlessly.
Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “Thy will for everything. Let it be as You please!”
The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-randomness of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, Who wishes us all the best, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our lives and our souls. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still love someone, and with a more perfect love.
If you are tormented by thoughts about the person with whom we are parting, or about the one who “took away” this person.
Typical thoughts: “He is the best, you won’t meet such a person again”, “I can’t live without her!”, “How would I return him”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that!”, “I hate her, the vile one, for taking him away! How can I get revenge on her?"
If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: “Lord, bless this person!”. We invest in this prayer the desire for good to a person.
The psychological explanation is this. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an insult to a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom, tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire that misfortunes befell him for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And so, when we oppose a good thought to these evil thoughts, the evil thought is defeated.
There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we admit that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that evil is their goal. And as a result of such prayer, not just good is obtained, but double good: both you benefit from prayer, and the person for whom you pray. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they move away from you. Verified by many!
If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts addressed to yourself.
False thoughts: “It’s impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser”, “You are to blame for everything, if only you hadn’t made that mistake!”
Prayer: Praise God for everything! If they are really guilty of something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!”.
Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.
Penitential prayers: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!” are pronounced without strain, in an even, impassive tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: “Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!”. This will only cause harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and every minute it is easier for him.
I emphasize: the tone of all prayers must be even, no matter what storm rages within us!
There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.
First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you pray. Remember that God does not owe you anything. He is not to blame for the fact that you are now ill. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depths of which there is an offense against God or an impudent demand, will not give anything.
This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, disenfranchised petitioner. You are not addressing an indifferent official, but a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.
Secondly, believe that you are being heard, that you can be helped and will certainly be helped. God is omnipotent, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear), and not a single word of yours is wasted.
Thirdly, it is desirable to know as well as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is a "higher intelligence." But under the definition of "higher intelligence" is quite suitable and Satan. Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - this is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean presenting God in front of you, it is safe.)
You need to pray for exactly as long as the attack on you by obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy is firing at you from all sides. You fire three shots at the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In desperation, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.
Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing exactly what thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to my prayer like a drowning man to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.
Therefore, do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!
3. Forgive yourself and the other person
Common problems in a breakup situation are positions of resentment towards the other person or blaming oneself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.
Another person may be guilty of something before us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.
First, we do not know exactly why it happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two can be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism on a material level), and the other is hidden (consumerism on a spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has their own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.
Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, as shackles bind two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but also yourself. And each of you takes with you your piece of the chain - your share of responsibility.
How to forgive?
Tell him mentally: “I forgive you!” This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and fully responsible for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.
If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the weapon of prayer described above: “God bless him!”
If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.
Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deceit, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.
The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: “I am bad”, “I am no good”, “I am not worthy of love”, etc.
The rational is cured by repentance. Take your share of responsibility on yourself, refraining from self-justification. Ask for forgiveness from a person - really or mentally. Ask forgiveness from God. Work on fixing yourself to become a different person who won't do it again.
The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is cured by prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.
4. Benefit, work on yourself
There is a common truth: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated for our needs and abilities, to grow, to take a step towards personal perfection and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. As we grow up, we become happier.
But growth does not automatically follow trial. As stated earlier, a test is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, we have not grown up. And you have to grow. So the next lesson will be tougher.
To pass the test, you must first of all humble yourself. When you and I, overcoming the desire to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed “Glory to Thee, Lord!” This was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, we will not be so upset during the next trials. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any trial.
Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.
First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love was there, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.
Secondly, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent these goals are worthy of you, do you need such goals?
Thirdly, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person approached for each other and for this purpose? Could this goal be achieved with this person? And did you know him enough to allow the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And what kind of person can achieve this goal? And what kind of person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or an addict? What harmful and useful habits did you take away from your parental family and from the relationships that preceded these relationships?
Fourthly, if both the goal was worthy and the people worthy of the goal, what mistakes were allowed by you in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get better results?
In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes that you need to repent. Your shortcomings that should be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.
To get the third "income" from the test, put this sheet into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, cultivating love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.
If you find it necessary to also work on your body, doing physical education is in any case beneficial. Physical training, coupled with overcoming “I can’t do it anymore”, not only makes our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthens the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.
It is very important at this stage to put before yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, the cultivation of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.
Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year, similar to love ones - even chaste ones. Because otherwise the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on yourself, it can become overpriced. Both that, and another, hinders soberly to estimate the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known, when we unconsciously look for a replacement for a partner who has left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.
Therefore, do not go in cycles in the topic of love relationships! Do not worry about the fact that you have nowhere to meet a good person! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day because of illness, he will make a mistake with the door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge circle of friends you will not be able to choose anyone.
If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has one field of activity left - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task of life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Because only a loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman who lives a dignified life after a divorce in celibacy.
5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy
Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state “I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me” feel more comfortable than in the state: “I was born for happiness, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not to be.” This is due to infantilism (childishness), the inability to overcome some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of trouble, when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.
The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. Just as at school he liked to lie in bed when he was ill, feel sorry for himself and accept the sympathy of others, so here he lies down in the bed of self-pity. Finally, it seems like a valid reason for self-pity has been found. And in this state after parting, a person, if desired, can stay for many years. But what's the point?
In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adult, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, we need other people, and ourselves. We need not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, able to support and delight others.
Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a severe trauma as experiencing the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, need us strong and joyful.
Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will create a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to do this. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He has given us many abilities that it's time to use.
Leave feedback ( Priest Ilya Shugaev)
The fact that there is only one love in life, romantics came up with ( Priest Andrei Lorgus)
The love of God will make up for the lack of all other love ( Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
You need to understand and accept yourself Psychologist Irina Karpenko)
Despite initial hopes, strict "selection" of a life partner, experience and practice of relationships, not all couples exist "forever". Even in the most ideal and carefully thought out relationship, it may turn out that the partner turned out to be not what you imagined him to be. It also happens that harmony in relationships, the coincidence of the desires and interests of the couple, was relevant only for a certain period of time, and then someone's needs and priorities change, after which the existing relationship ceases to fit into his new life plan.
This article is addressed to both women and men, but is not intended for those who are looking for simple answers to complex questions, one of which is the answer to the question: "How to recover from a breakup?".
Even the article I can not call what I bring to your attention. Rather, it is a psychological consultation designed to provide you with real help. On the other hand, I also cannot call it a full-fledged psychological consultation, because such consultations can only be individual.
The information that I intend to provide you, I often had to meet on the Internet offered for money. Here you can get it for free. This is the principle of our publication.
Well, let's start!
The term “recovering from a breakup” usually means that you still have strong feelings and attraction for the person you loved and relied on. It could also mean that the breakup wasn't what you wanted. As a result, you feel abandoned, helpless and powerless to change the situation. You probably also have some thoughts about the fact that you were not good enough and unwittingly "had a hand" in the fact that everything ended that way.
People, after being with those they loved, and perhaps still love very much, experience severe consequences: sadness, sadness, disorientation, self-doubt, depression and despair.
In order to return to a normal state, it takes time, which usually includes reflection, constant "returns" to the past, reviewing one's actions, events, actions, as well as reasons that were not obvious when all this actually happened. Weeks, months, even years, filled with feelings and waves of emotion, must pass before the mind accumulates new impressions and new experiences brought about by daily activities.
One of the hardest parts of recovering from a breakup is dealing with the initial shock, sadness, and loss. Even those who believe that the breakup was their own choice, after the end of a relationship, go through a period during which they feel confused and empty without their former partner. After all, life has changed dramatically quickly!
The most important thing is not to “turn” the pain after the breakup into a feeling of own guilt for this breakup. Most people feel that they are in much more pain than an ex-partner or any other person who has experienced similar events in their life. This is a natural part of the recovery process because you are self-centered and unable to look at the situation from the outside. Give yourself time to acknowledge your pain and accept the loss.
Maybe you have heard this opinion: Recovery after a breakup takes exactly the same amount of time as the relationship itself lasted»?
This is an erroneous opinion. Depth and dependence on relationships with another person is often based on unmet childhood needs. It is on what your partner gave you that the “speed” of recovery depends. The more your partner satisfied your unsatisfied needs, the more voids in your soul he filled, the more difficult and longer the recovery will be.
There are no rules about how long it takes, but if your healing is taking too long and you don't see any improvement, it's best to contact a psychologist to help you get out of this state.
But in general, to recover from a breakup, you should take the following steps:
Step one: learning to be independent
This can be a difficult step. If you are in a couple for a long time and take care of another person, then over time you mix your energy with this person in the form of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations. When a relationship ends, you go through an individuation process that slows recovery. In this state, you may feel as if a part of you has been torn off.
Even if you want to forget as soon as possible, memory still paints pictures of the recent past when you were together. Your mind tries to recover the almost forgotten sense of independence you once knew, but at the same time, your experience pulls back inexorably back to the days when you were alone and everything was fine.
Due to the novelty of sensations, the strangeness of the situation and confusion in the head, tearfulness, a sense of hopelessness and a complete lack of ability to rejoice are usually manifested at this time. You don't want to socialize, you lose your appetite, and you may even feel physical symptoms, such as pain in the pit of your stomach. Despite the presence of other people - relatives or friends, you do not leave the feeling of loneliness. Interestingly, these symptoms are similar to those experienced by people in the early stages of recovery from drug or alcohol addiction.
In fact, all this is normal. Do not be afraid to feel sorry for yourself and cry, this will help you reconsider the attitude to many memories that hurt you. You can (and will) have a strong desire to return to what has already passed and ended, just to end your emotional, mental and physical torment.
You may be looking for every opportunity to contact your former partner - a phone call, text message, "random" meeting, etc. All these actions are very characteristic of your condition, but they are wrong and harmful in both cases:
- if desire u still persist
- if you want to recover as soon as possible after a breakup and forget everything
Allow yourself to feel the pain of loss and don't hold back your tears. Let your emotions come out, free yourself from them. If, in the early stages of your recovery from a breakup, you ignore these feelings or try to distract yourself, you will only prolong your "hard times." Cry about it, talk about it with loved ones who will listen to you without judging or issuing "valuable" recommendations.
After an initial period of grief and mourning for your loss, pull yourself together and start building new connections that you may have neglected while you were in a couple or going through a period of unbearable sadness and sadness.
Start making plans to meet up with old friends, try to get yourself into something new, go to the gym, join a fitness or dance group, go to parties and organize them at home, go on picnics. But this does not mean that you need to completely occupy all your time.
You must have periods of time and days when you are alone with yourself to allow your mind to review past relationships and look for answers to questions that torment you. You may have to do a whole study about what is positive and what is negative you have gained and what you have lost. How to act in the future to avoid a repetition of what happened.
Based on what you learn about your past experiences, you can start making a list of what you want to see in your future. This assessment will help you "move" your mind from the past to the future, and move from hopeless longing for the past, which you can no longer change, to hope for a bright and happy future, on which you undoubtedly have an influence.
Do not abuse alcohol, food and drugs.
Avoid contact with your ex. It may seem to you that by contacting the "former" you reduce the pain, but in fact you are creating additional conditions for prolonging your terrible state. By calling him or meeting with him, you continue your own torment and postpone the time when you can recover and start a new life.
Even if you are planning and you have every reason to believe that the chances of this are real, still avoid contact. Because in the context of your desire, this will only bring harm.
Don't just avoid things that can really help, like socializing with friends, having fun, or doing interesting work.
Step Two: Start Smiling!
If you have stopped thinking about your past relationships for hours on end, then you have gone through the most difficult times and the first step is completed. Now you are at the point where you can already quantify your own achievements. You can write down every event, knowledge or experience that made you smile. All of this will form the basis for building your renewed personality, and each small achievement will be a reward for all the hard work you put in taking Step One.
You may have moments when you think about past relationships in terms of being needed in your life for that particular time period. You may find yourself becoming philosophical and more balanced about past events, both good and bad. Every time you find a new meaning when you return to the past and analyze the information.
However, there is a phenomenon that confuses most people. You may feel that you are getting better, you start to smile and you may even start to feel quite good...
…BUT! Suddenly, out of nowhere, negative emotions flooded over you! You think to yourself: “I’m doing everything right, I’m already feeling better! Where did all this come from?!” Know that this is part of a process that can be compared to ocean waves. Your recovery and recovery from a relationship breakup comes in waves. These waves will “wash your shores” more than once, but over time they will become rarer and not so strong and high. In the end, they will turn into a slight wave, quietly and imperceptibly wetting the sand on the shore, but now - during the recovery period, you still cannot control their strength and frequency. Do not give up and find reasons, activities and people that will make you smile.
Step three: Return to yourself
Now your life is returning to some semblance of normality. You will find that you can already focus, you are excited about the prospects for the future, and you no longer feel "between heaven and earth." You have returned to the state where your personality is again manifesting, and, in principle, you are ready to enter into a new relationship. Of course, you may have other priorities, such as work or career.
You have already found most of the answers to the questions that arose during the period of grief and longing, your condition and sense of self have stabilized, and you clearly imagine what happened to the past relationship. I hope that now you can absolutely calmly say that we are both good people, but we turned out to be a bad couple.
In addition, you honestly admit that your relationship was great, but only for a certain period of your life. It's just that your needs and priorities have changed. However, be vigilant and don't be swayed by random waves of memories.
Step Four: Maturity
By the time you get to this point, you'll be on the "finish line" on your way to your ultimate recovery. You may have talked to or even seen your former partner, but it no longer hurt because you are involved in new connections with friends, and maybe new relationships.
Over time, you have re-evaluated everything that is important in your life and changed the list of qualities that you would like to see in your partner. Probably (I think I'm not mistaken), this list has now become much shorter and more specific.
You have gained invaluable experience in recovering from a breakup. Now you know that you HAVE DONE IT, and if this, God forbid, happens again, you can rely on the strength that you have already demonstrated.
No, of course, you do not want this to happen again, but you also do not want to waste time repeating past mistakes and now your relationship will be, or has already been built on a fundamentally new basis.
Each connection gives you more information about the desired picture of your life and draws it more clearly. Remind yourself of what you experienced and how you won, and that you can repeat it in the future if the need arises.
FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of a private individual, and not the recommendation of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.
In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to advise in the comments.
Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but then be prepared for the fact that I will ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.
If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact me for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.
With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica
The end of a relationship is always hard, whether it was your decision or your partner's. You are in pain and you want it to end soon. There are several ways that can help you cope and move on: describe your feelings, allow yourself to grieve, take your time in a new relationship. Remember that time heals and be patient. If it doesn’t get better with time, you can always turn to family and friends for support, and, if necessary, to a psychotherapist.
Steps
Move on
- If he or she is trying to convince you to see each other, honestly ask yourself what the point is. If the meeting makes you mentally return to the past, it will be too easy to succumb to a momentary impulse - but the more difficult it is to reconcile again.
- If contact is unavoidable for practical reasons - for example, you need to transfer your things from your partner, sign documents, etc. - try to keep communication to an absolutely necessary minimum. Keep calls or meetings short and to the point.
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Organize your living space. A breakup can herald a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and putting things in order in your personal space will give you fresh strength and readiness for a new life. Clutter is depressing, depressing, and adds to the stress you already feel. Cleaning does not require serious mental effort, but still you have to concentrate on it and, therefore, be distracted from painful experiences.
- Clean up your room, put up new posters, clear your computer desktop of unnecessary icons. No matter how insignificant cleaning may seem to you, after it you will feel better.
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Let go of the things that bring up painful memories. Many things will remind you of your ex - songs, smells, sounds, places. When they surround you, it's harder to heal from a breakup. Remove all the things that make your heart ache. Getting rid of them can really work wonders.
- If you have a memorable gift from your ex, such as a watch or jewelry, there is nothing wrong with keeping it. However, try to remove it away and not get it until the relationship finally recedes into the past for you.
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Get out of the house and live life to the fullest. After the end of a relationship, it is normal to spend some time at home, alone with yourself. However, having dealt with feelings, you should no longer hide from the outside world. Plan, spend time with friends, have fun! You may feel awkward at first, but over time this will pass and you will feel better. Getting out of the house and doing something is very important, because after a breakup, you need to grow and maintain your social circle in order to move forward.
- Don't feel like you have to constantly spend time with other people. Get out to do the things you love and enjoy the freedom. Go to your favorite cafe, go shopping or take a mini-vacation.
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Don't jump head first into a new relationship. Often, after a breakup, people immediately enter into a new relationship in order to forget the previous ones. However, this idea is not always reasonable. When you start dating someone too soon, you may just be trying to suppress negative emotions with the excitement and excitement that a new relationship brings you. However, if they turn out to be a failure, the pain of two breakups will fall on you at once. It is better to be without a partner for a while, until you get over the emotions and are really ready to start over.
Keep taking care of yourself. After a break, a person can often give up on himself, but this will not bring relief. Don't forget the simple things that keep you physically, mentally and spiritually healthy. If you didn't take enough care of yourself before the end of the relationship, now is the time to fix it. Try to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly to feel your best.
Break away from your usual routine. Perhaps after the end of the relationship, you need to give up your usual routine for a while. This can help you deal with your feelings and cope better later on. Most importantly, don't do anything that will jeopardize your relationships with other people or your way of making a living.
- For example, you can skip a week at the gym without much consequences, but you can’t abandon work for a week. If you and your friends have plans and want to cancel them before you recover, explain the situation honestly.
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Allow yourself to mourn broken relationships. The end of a relationship leaves a huge void in your heart, and it can take quite a while for it to close. Be sure to allow yourself to grieve the loss and experience the pain; if you ignore it and keep it to yourself, you will only delay the return to normal life. Cry, sob, scream - throw out all the negative emotions outward.
Surround yourself with people who can support you. You need people around you who love you and help you feel better. When you are surrounded by friends and family who are full of sympathy and ready to help, you will not feel like a worthless person, and your life will return to normal sooner.
- Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for support if you need to speak up or cry on someone's shoulder.
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Find a way to soothe yourself without harming your health. Your first impulse may be to ignore the pain or drown it out with alcohol, drugs, or food, but that's not the answer. Say a firm no to these destructive ways of coping with pain. Instead, try to find ways that will lead you to real recovery and even growth.
- Try to find a new hobby to keep you busy while you recover. Sign up for a course, join a club, learn something on your own. Passion for a new thing will allow you to regain confidence in yourself, take your mind off the worries for a while, and help build self-esteem by knowing that you have learned something interesting or useful.
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See a therapist if the pain is too severe. Most often, people are able to recover on their own after a breakup, but not everyone has this ability. If you can't deal with emotional pain or feel depressed as a result of a breakup, seek professional help as soon as possible.
Work on feelings
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Think about your relationship. Consider all the reasons why you and your ex broke up. Accept the fact that while you were good together for a while, things ended up going wrong. Analyzing the reasons for the breakup will help you understand why you need to move on. In addition, if you figure out how you yourself influenced the end of the relationship, this will help you avoid the same mistakes in the future. Ask yourself the following questions.
- Did my behavior cause us to break up? If yes, what exactly did I do?
- Do I have a tendency to choose partners of the same type? If yes, what do they have in common? Are they suitable for me? Why?
- Have I had similar problems in previous relationships? If so, why do I constantly encounter them? What can I do differently next time?
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Write about your feelings. Start a diary or try writing poetry. Most importantly, be honest and do not correct what is written. One of the advantages of this method is that by putting the problem on paper, you can suddenly see it from the inside, penetrating to the core. Cause and effect relationships will become clearer, and as the bitterness of the loss subsides, it will be much easier for you to learn valuable life lessons from what happened.
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Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to remain friends, you should stop all communication immediately after the breakup. No meetings with him and even with his family members, no calls, emails, SMS, messages on Skype or Facebook. This does not mean that you should never talk again, but communication should be stopped until you finally get over the breakup.
When communicating with a former lover, do not think about the breakup. Do not stir up the past, do not sort things out. All this can lead to a quarrel, which will put an end to the return of the old relationship.
If a couple broke up by mutual desire without quarrels and scandals, you cannot build relationships on this basis. Usually such people remain friends, they can sometimes communicate, and in moments of loneliness they find themselves in the same bed. But it doesn't fundamentally change anything. After all, such couples break up due to the lack of common goals and interests, nothing else connects them. And if the gap really happened by mutual agreement, then nothing can bind them.
Is it worth restoring what has been destroyed?
If you want to return a partner, you or whom you left, think about whether you really need it. After some time after the break, only bright moments remain in memory, the negative is simply erased, so that you can only remember the virtues of your former lover, forgetting about the shortcomings that caused the separation.Renew communication with your former soul mate, social networks provide an excellent platform for this. If you feel that contact is being established between you, invite him or her to meet, for a start it is better to invite your ex-lover to some small company, so the situation will not be too intimate.
Don't be afraid to flirt with your ex, it will evoke memories of how your feelings began, which will only help if you really want him or her back.
The easiest way to establish contacts with an ex-spouse is if you have children together. They serve as the main "glue". Father-to-child visits are a great way to test the waters. Ordinary conversations, common themes and memories - that's what brings people together. Having a child simply makes such conversations possible, since you don't have to specifically look for meetings, which can look awkward.
In fact, the best way (which is suitable for brave people) is to call your ex, invite him or her to meet and express your thoughts openly. This can be done if even the slightest hint of former feelings has arisen between you.
Sources:
- Repairing the love boat
Everyone wants to be part of a loving couple, and every loving couple has some kind of disagreement, sometimes argues and even quarrel. Some conflicts lead to a better understanding of each other, others arise from scratch and then no one can remember how it all started? Is it possible to love without quarrels? Anyway, you can try.
You will need
- Love and understanding.
Instruction
First of all, mutual respect for each other and for the point of view of the other. Never raise your voice, get angry, call names, or label others. Once you start yelling, the constructive conversation is over.
Resolve differences by trying to find a way out that is acceptable to both parties. A happy couple knows that the purpose of the conversation is to find out what's going on and how to deal with it, not for anyone to be right. If your upset, you should seek what is with him, and not win the argument. Look for a compromise.
Do not blame your partner, do not be angry with him, but look for a way out of this situation. If your loved one made a mistake, think together how to fix it, and do not blame him for his mistake.
Think about what your partner is you. Do not assume the worst, do not think that he will offend or offend you, that he deliberately brings you to tears. Think about the fact that there is some kind of misunderstanding between you, and both of you are interested in resolving it. Positive thoughts lead to positive results.
Appreciate not only what you have in common, but also the fact that you are two different people. There is nothing wrong with feeling somewhat frustrated that your partner does not in all cases think and act the way you think or would have done. However, he is not you. And for that, you love him too.
In conflict situations, try to maintain a sense of humor. If you are able to argue about something with a smile, you will not be able to quarrel.
Listen to your partner. Active listening is about not thinking about your own arguments while your interlocutor is presenting his or her point of view. After the partner has spoken, briefly repeat what he said, ask if you understood him. Show your - “I listen to what you tell me. It's important for me".
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Useful advice
If you have trouble with language or are afraid that emotions will get the better of you, write a letter to your partner about how you feel and what you want.
Some problems are "not worth a damn". Before entering into an argument, think about whether this is important to you or are you just in a bad mood?
Sources:
- I have been dating a guy for 8 months and have never quarreled with him.
If a relations destroyed, you can try to restore them. This will require a great desire, great patience and a fair amount of wisdom, but if a man is really dear to you, you can handle it.
Instruction
Remember that if a man is packing his bags, then the atmosphere in the family does not suit him. The responsibility for creating spiritual relationships lies entirely with. Therefore, you do not need to blame him for all sins. You are also to blame. This is true even if the husband is about to leave for. The reason is still the lack of a good atmosphere in the family. Otherwise, he would not have gone to look outside for what he lacks at home. The first thing you must do is realize that you are responsible for everything that happens.
Realizing this, it is very easy to fulfill the second point. Namely, stop making a fuss, nag, blame and reproach for all misfortunes. This is what causes most of the problems. What man wants to return to where he is scolded and? Naturally, when a woman behaves in this way, she does not think about her husband, but about her grievances. Perhaps they seem to be really justified. But if it comes to that relations you need to restore, you need to forget about grievances and think about the atmosphere of love in yours.
From this follows the third point - not to scold, but to praise. No matter what. For taking out the garbage, for going for bread. Even for waking up on time, you can also praise! You yourself have probably noticed more than once what a magical effect praises produce. If you speak them sincerely, a person will feel the wings behind his back. So give more often this feeling to your man! Surely he is not spoiled for compliments from you.
Talk to your significant other more often, do it sincerely and with confidence. Most misunderstandings in a couple occur because a man does something different from what a woman thinks, and in response she closes in resentment. But if you sit down and figure it out, you will understand that he did this not to annoy you, but simply because he thinks and acts differently. A man may not even realize that some of his actions offend you. Therefore, you need to explain to him every time what exactly is not for you. And this is in a calm, friendly conversation. Make it a rule to talk to you like your best friend, and you yourself will be surprised how quickly your relations happiness will return.
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What kind of surprises does not present us with life, and, alas, they are not always only pleasant. And it is hardly worth hoping that in relations couples can only be clear and cloudless days. But when the hurricane passes, passions subside and pain dulls, common sense and natural optimism give hope for the revival of the former union. And if such a desire is mutual, and the coming difficulties are not frightening, then it is worth taking a number of steps that would bring closer every day to renewing and strengthening the shaken relations.
Instruction
Trying to forget everything. The most difficult and, perhaps, the most difficult stage, but without which all further attempts to return to the previous relationship are meaningless.
Forgiveness. An equally acute and painful question is if any of the partners really committed an unworthy act, and the gap occurred for a serious and weighty reason.
Analysis of one's own behavior. With extremely rare exceptions, both partners have to break the union. And having tried to calm anger, indignation and other emotions, it is worthwhile to dispassionately look at the situation, analyze the events that preceded it, evaluate your own mistakes, and try to mentally take the place of your opponent. Of course, this stage may be fraught with difficulties in objectively understanding events, so it may be useful to consult an experienced one.
Readiness for change. Unfortunately, the complete eradication of sad memories is impossible, and one should be prepared for the fact that the relationship will never be the same again. The realization of this fact should be accepted as inevitable. And all attempts to restore the union must be carried out with a clear understanding that even complete reconciliation and forgiveness will not be able to return the relationship to normal. Just as it is impossible to go in the same direction, so it is impossible to build the same union twice.
Update. Having acknowledged the fact of change, it is worth working to ensure that they ultimately turn out to be positive. And the new union, more than ever, will need active support precisely at this stage. During this period, a joint trip to romantic places, rest in seclusion from everything that would remind of the former enmity will be a good fuel for a new relationship. Even an ordinary cosmetic in the house with a change of scenery and colors can become fresh in a reunited couple.
Routine. And now, when bursts of both negative and positive emotions have subsided, it is very useful for everyday chores that will not allow thoughts to wander aimlessly through the secluded corners of bitter memory.
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If in your family one of the partners committed treason, but you still decided not to destroy relations, try to survive this situation and learn from it. Relationships can be restored after treason if you love each other and are ready to forgive your partner.
Instruction
If you find out about your husband's betrayal, but you understand that you will be very happy without him, then try to forgive him. But in that case, never reproach him for this offense again. The resentment that you will hold in your heart will not allow you to become happy again. Agree with your spouse that you will start everything from scratch, but you can give this chance for him only once.
Be sure to talk frankly with your spouse, because the reason husband can be not only his frivolity and windiness, but also your mistakes. Think about how often you are affectionate with your soulmate, how often you arrange surprises, romantic dinners, whether you are well-groomed enough to arouse interest. Learn to openly and frankly admit your guilt in what happened.
Agree on how you will be in the future relations. Tell a friend what, in your opinion, interferes with harmonious development. But do not allow yourself to go into shouting and insults during a conversation. Stay calm, learn to listen to your partner, and also try to look at this situation from his side.
Remember the time when you just started dating, immerse yourself in joint memories of the period of romantic meetings, confessions in. Look at old photos and make plans for the future, which will have many more such pleasant moments.
If possible, go on a trip with your spouse (well, if you manage to visit those places where you were happy), arrange a second "honeymoon" for yourself.
Fight boredom and monotony in your family life in all possible ways: go to visit more often, go to cafes, go to the theater, go out into nature together, prepare pleasant surprises for your loved one, etc.
Start taking care of yourself. Throw away your old dressing gown and get something light and sexy, try to lose weight, tighten your muscles. Surprise your partner with an unexpected makeover: go to the hairdresser, get a new haircut or change your hair color. In the end, rearrange the furniture in the apartment and regard it as the beginning of a new stage in your life together.
There are many wise phrases, such as, for example, “Measure seven times, cut once” or “We have - we don’t appreciate it, we cry when we lose it”, the whole depth and truthfulness of which becomes clear only after you have parted with your partner and , after a while, began to understand that you still love him and want to be together. If it seems to you that you can still fix the error, then you should try to do it.
Instruction
Think about the situation that led to the end of your relationship. If there are turning points that you can remember without much difficulty - a major quarrel or an insult inflicted that someone could not forgive - then the likelihood of resuming the relationship is quite high. If the gap occurred from scratch, for a combination of reasons, so to speak, then you should not have much hope, but it's worth a try. Analyze your relationships relations and find mistakes that you need to correct and not repeat again if you are going to make an attempt at reconciliation again.
Find out from mutual friends about your ex-lover, show interest, start talking about him with warmth, sadness and tenderness. Mutual friends always often play the role of a connecting and transmitting link. If you are really a couple, then they probably didn’t like your breakup, and they will gladly pass on your words and. He, for sure, will be pleased that you have not forgotten him and remember him.
Think of some natural reason for calling or meeting with him. For example, you can make an appointment to give him some forgotten trinket. But it is better to say that someone you know is interested in his professional services and you act as an intermediary. If you try, then such a reason can be found without difficulty. But remember that it should be natural and respectful enough.
Prepare for the meeting, go to the hairdresser and beautician a couple of days before it, get a good night's sleep to look well-groomed and attractive. Be sure that any man can be aware of this quite unconsciously. In addition, the consciousness of your own irresistibility will give you confidence and charm. You don’t have to dress up especially for the meeting, but it’s better to put on new things that he has not yet seen on you and which, of course, suit you.
When meeting, your behavior and conversation should be calm and friendly. Be neutral and detached, but friendly. Demonstrate a willingness to communicate. If it comes to your shared past, express regret and apologize for your mistakes. If necessary, repeat the meeting. You yourself will understand whether there are chances that your relations will resume. In accordance with this, build your further tactical line and act according to the circumstances.
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The structure of the soil is determined not only by its mineral base (clay, sand, loam, sandy loam, black soil), but also by the number of living soil organisms that live in it. Earthworms and insects dig underground passages, forming channels through which water and air enter deep into the soil. Their waste products enrich the land and increase productivity. Intensive human use of the soil leads to its depletion.
Instruction
The first layer, to improve drainage, lay straw, hay or brushwood. The next layer may be annual weeds without ripe ones, pieces of paper or natural fabrics, the remains of vegetables and fruits, small branches of trees and shrubs left after pruning, fallen leaves. Cover the organic waste with a layer of earth and lay the organic again.
In dry weather, water the compost with water to speed up decomposition. Bioactivators can be added to the water to enrich the composition with beneficial microorganisms, for example, the Baikal agent. An excellent activator will be bird droppings.
In the process of decomposition, nitrogen is released, which is necessary for the life of plants. To prevent this gas from escaping, cover the compost heap with polyethylene. The polyethylene film also retains heat and therefore accelerates the decomposition of organic matter. The compost will be ready for use in about 8 months.
To improve the structure of the soil, manure is widely used - cow, horse, sheep. Use fresh manure very carefully so as not to burn the roots and stems of plants. It is better to let him perepret within six months. Just like compost, cover manure to retain nitrogen.
Many summer residents use leafy humus from the forest to increase the fertility of their plot. But it must be taken into account that in this case the soil in the forest is depleted, and the roots of trees are exposed, which causes direct harm to nature. Another popular fertilizer is peat. However, environmental scientists call for abandoning this method, since the depletion and depletion of peat is harmful to nature in the same way as the removal of the fertile soil layer in the forests.
To enrich and restore the structure of the soil, plants rich in nitrogen, microelements, starch, and sugars are used. Lentils, clover, alfalfa are most often used as green manure. Plant stems are not harvested for the winter, but left in the ground. In the spring, the rotted mass is buried with a rake in the ground as a beautiful organic.
One of the characteristics of soil is its acidity. Soil acidification reduces its fertility, as it adversely affects living soil organisms. Indicators of the increased acidity of the earth are plants such as horsetail, plantain,. To deoxidize soil, crushed eggshells, slaked lime, ash are added to it.
Breaking up with a loved one is always difficult. However, a complete breakup often makes it even more painful. It is much easier and easier to disperse in a civilized way, while maintaining friendly relations.
Is friendship possible after a breakup?
There can be no single answer to this question. Much depends on the purpose for which you or your ex-lover want to maintain a warm relationship. Most often this happens when one has feelings, and he hopes that friendship will help restore former love. It is possible that one of the partners is trying to give the appearance of external well-being, showing mutual friends that they were able to part with dignity. But there is also the possibility that both respect and appreciate each other and actually want to be friends.
In the first two options, something is unlikely to come out, because it will only be a semblance of friendship, but if you have really warm feelings for each other, everything is possible. In fact, contrary to popular belief, true friendship often develops between lovers.
For this to happen, it is necessary to part properly. If the break occurs at the initiative of one partner, then it is unlikely that friendly relations will be maintained. Here, there will rather be friendship “out of pity”, when one loves, and the second gives him friendly feelings in return. And, on the contrary, a mutually deliberate decision to break off relations can be the beginning of sincere friendly feelings. It is only important to clarify everything before parting, thus eliminating all the understatement.
It is very important not to forget that the past must remain in the past. This should apply to both your relationship and communication with mutual friends. You should not dedicate them to all the subtleties of your new relationship. Also, before starting to be friends with an ex-lover, think about the fact that this may prevent you from building a personal life with a new person.
How to keep a friendship after a breakup
Try not to make hasty decisions. Subsided emotions can make you regret being too categorical. When parting, do it with minimal losses for yourself. Be more practical, because, having parted in an amicable way, you will find a good friend, to whom you may turn to sometime for help.
Take a look at a former loved one from the side. If you are interested in him, he is a good conversationalist, a reliable person, then there is no point in refusing his company in the future.
Try to approach the gap constructively. Gather your strength and talk about the need to leave and the reasons that pushed you to this. Listen to all the arguments of the partner. If the decision to break up is mutual, then solve all everyday problems and be sure to share your ideas about your future relationship, without giving false hopes. Be direct about whether you want to meet later or only occasionally call up.
Do not hesitate to say goodbye to your partner, thank him for the experience, for the good time and relationship. Sincerely wish him happiness and be glad that he will remain in your life in a new capacity. This breakup behavior will make the breakup much less painful.
Sleepless nights, tears in the pillow, many hours of talking with friends - all this is familiar to women who have experienced parting with a loved one. In a fit of anger, the first thoughts - let him go, he will regret it ... But over time, there is often a desire to return a loved one.
Instruction
Consider whether you really want to restore the relationship. It is likely that the old feelings will not be returned. Since the relationship cracked, then there was a reason. And if it was an ordinary quarrel, but love remained, you can try to fix everything. But when the feelings are gone, nothing can be fixed.
Do not sit and wait for everything to be decided by itself. Analyze the reasons for the gap, remember who was the initiator. If it was you who decided to put an end to it, and now changed your mind, everything is relatively simple. The young man most likely still has feelings for you. Call him and make an appointment. You will need to explain yourself, ask for forgiveness for emotionality, irascibility. Be sincere so that he believes you. Although if you yourself believe that you need this person, the words will turn out to be truthful and honest.
In the case when the initiator of the gap was a guy, the situation becomes more complicated. But do not despair. Remember everything that happened before the breakup, try to find the reason for the young man to leave. Probably, during the last conversation, he expressed all his claims to you. Think about what you can fix about yourself and your behavior. After all, the main thing in this situation is not just to return, but also to keep it later. If irritants are not eliminated, quarrels and parting will be inevitable. Perhaps you have given your loved one little time. Or, on the contrary, they tormented me with their obsession, control, jealousy. If you want to return it, change yourself and change the style of relationships.
Discuss the situation with your man. Call him for a frank conversation, offer to start everything from scratch. Promise that you will listen to him and his desires. If he still has feelings for you, he will not refuse to give a second chance to your relationship. It's not so easy to completely break with a person who is close to you.
Dealing with a breakup is not easy. Until recently, you felt that there is love, tenderness, care in your life, and every day was filled with the feeling of a fairy tale. And today he said: “It’s time for us to part,” and you are not ready for such a turn. I have to think about how