How to deal with cheating. Five typical situations and advice from a psychologist. Causes and psychology of male infidelity. A woman's perspective on men's problems
Using the example of real stories that mothers shared on the Yu-Mom forum, we examined the behavior of women in different situations of male infidelity. The psychologist commented on each of them and gave practical advice on how to cope with cheating, how to quickly forget the insult and how to build a further happy life.
Expert: Inna Tomilovskaya, practical psychologist, family counseling psychologist.
The first situation. How to glue a broken cup?
“A year has passed since I found out. The soul still hurts, not so much, of course, tearing apart as it did a year ago, but at times it’s hard to breathe. I know everything that happened, but there was a lot: an office romance, a declaration of love, plans for cohabitation / purchase of housing, joint dinners. The truth was revealed to me gradually over the course of the year - I am a very sensitive person and I feel the understatement well, I start digging and find. It's hard to think that when you already asked me for forgiveness, you still talked to her, keeping her as a backup, if I don't forgive. I saw the detail of conversations, how he calls me, talks to me for a minute, and then calls her and calms her down for 20 minutes. HOW to live on? HOW, if these thoughts do not leave me and, like an obsession, pop up in my head with every word he says? I always want to sarcastically, to prick, but I restrain myself, and this lump of resentment grows even more. Sometimes I give myself to vyrevet, now enough for a week and then again on a new one. When will it end? WHEN can I live as a person and not exist? The husband, by the way, has changed by 100%, does everything for me, for the child, for the family, constantly with us. She definitely no longer communicates with her, she quit her job not without my filing. It seems that everything should work out, but it does not work out, resentment devours me from the inside. "
Questions for a psychologist:
If even after a year a woman cannot forget and forgive, will she forget later?
When a conflict occurs between people, one always contributes exactly half and the other half contributes. Both are to blame for the fact that events turned out that way.
What is the woman doing now? She blames her husband 100%. She easily sees what he is wrong about, gets angry, gets upset, feels sorry for herself. She has a clear idea that HE must change, HE must correct, HE must make amends. 99% of people fall on this path, and it is always wrong.
The second way is more difficult. When a woman looks at her 50%. After all, she also influenced the development of events, did something, said something. And then there are two options. First: a woman looks at her 50%, sees where she was wrong, and begins to engage in self-criticism. This is the wrong move, since in this case you can get stuck in the past, get depressed, constantly replay situations. This is a dead end option.
The exit is exactly in the middle. You need to look at your 50% correctly. You need to know your strengths. What is good about me? What is my problem?
But doesn't a man also need to work on himself?
I in no way claim that a woman is 100% to blame, and only she should change something in the relationship. We are talking about a specific situation where a man seeks to improve relationships, as in this story. He seems to be working on his 50% already.
The man admitted his mistake. And here a lot depends on the wisdom of the woman. She should be grateful that the man chose her. This will make her stronger. The question is whether the woman will focus on resentment or gratitude. He made a mistake, stumbled, but he stayed with her. This joy should give her strength. But more often the emphasis is on something else, and this is our mistake. We do not know how to forgive.
The task of this woman now, her life lesson, is to cope with resentment. Her thoughts should be focused not on her husband, but on herself. Be able to forgive. If there are true feelings for this man, then she can tell him: “You know, I am in great pain, I am trying to cope with the resentment. I will be grateful to you if you are sympathetic to my reaction. But I need time. "
Are there any psychological techniques that can help a woman deal with resentment?
What can be done technically? Take a notebook and write everything that is in your heart. Your emotions, you can even insult the offender. Then you get tired of writing or you get tired. And along with this fatigue comes relief. Then you need to tear this notebook, you can even burn it. And then imagine that you are standing in a powerful ray of light from the sun, and in this light all resentment dissolves.
There is another technique. You need to buy a bottle of water, and pronounce everything that has boiled right down the neck. Then this water must be poured into the toilet. And again imagine a ray of light.
Do I need to constantly “pronounce” the situation, share it on forums, with friends, mom, etc.? Is it helpful or vice versa?
The woman only gets worse. She revels in being the victim and gains energy through self-pity. She writes on the forum, everyone regrets her, from this she receives a colossal amount of energy. But this energy is not what she needs. She herself makes a choice not to rejoice that the family has been preserved, but to live in the past, in fact, destroying what is.
The second situation. How to reconcile and live further alone?
“My family is crumbling because of the woman who came to my husband. Yesterday we met with her to talk. She made it clear to me that she would never give up on my husband. She doesn't care about the kids, she doesn't care what breaks the family. Grabbed a death grip. He himself asks me for forgiveness for betraying me, but he is not going to return to us. She says that he has never met people like her in his life (how painful it is for me to hear that). How to recover? "
Questions for a psychologist:
How can a woman get out of this situation with dignity?
If a woman's self-esteem is low, she will become obsessed with resentment. But her task is to accept the situation. The man chose not her, but he has already performed this action, and there is nothing to be done with him. Now you need to learn to build a life without him.
First you need to focus on what she loves, what fills her. Do what you love, start a hobby. You need to fill yourself first. Then you need to start thinking why this happened, i.e. watch your 50%. Then you need to ask yourself the question - what will I do with the other man?
Then the woman draws new pictures for the future. And if she does not get stuck in the past, fills herself with strength and copes with resentment, it is in this state that a woman is able to attract a man. Given past mistakes, she will behave differently. The likelihood of creating a new family with happy relationships increases many times over.
Why does a woman blame her rival and not her husband and herself?
Blames the rival because it's easier that way. It is the psychology of people - to appoint someone as extreme. It is in this case that you can not work, do nothing. “I’m good anyway, she’s to blame,” the woman thinks. This gives her the right to do nothing, but only to complain. She just doesn't want to take responsibility for her life.
She does not blame her husband, most likely due to the fact that it is difficult to admit that a loved one in his right mind made a choice not in favor of her. Of course, it is psychologically easier to accept that he was influenced from the outside. Again, this is a non-recognition of their 50% guilt in the current situation.
Was the meeting with your rival a mistake?
The only way to meet is to understand that she gave him something that she herself does not have. This is a high level of psychological maturity. More often they meet to arrange a showdown or pour out resentment and anger, press on pity or out of curiosity. And to meet to understand what I'm doing wrong - one woman in a thousand is capable of it.
In other cases, I would not recommend dating. This will twist the situation, make it even more difficult.
What's the fastest way to recover from this unpleasant situation?
Go to psychological training. There is a theory about children's decisions. And if you follow it and follow the recommendations of a psychologist, then this problem can be dealt with fairly quickly. The theory is based on the fact that all of our reactions come from childhood. The psychologist will help you find the true cause and help cope with the problem.
For example, if the girl's dad did not fulfill some promise, and this was repeated several times, then the girl gains the confidence that all men are deceivers. As an adult, she will choose exactly the man who confirms her childish decision. And so in everything. If a woman wants something different, she must start a different psychological process in herself and look for those men who can be trusted.
Situation three. Should we save a family?
“There is: I, husband, mistress. We have been living together for 5 years, child. Young lover, pregnancy 8-9 weeks. The hero-lover is terrified of the situation. The girl, apparently in pink glasses, dreams of making him marry officially and be with her. He, of course, does not want this and wants to stay with us. Begs for forgiveness. It's already up to me. Grief-daddy hasn't lived with us for three weeks, I won't let you in. All the property we have is inscribed on me. We can live without him, I have a great job. Now I have a cold head, but I cannot decide for myself what to do. I want to get out of this situation with minimal losses for myself. And I'm not sure if we can live together. "
Questions for a psychologist:
What can help a woman choose the right option?
It all depends on the woman. If there is love, then you need to muffle your pride and ego. Now pride is rising: “I decide here myself, I can live without him,” etc. And she will be left alone - what will she do? Sometimes a woman will do things out of revenge and resentment, and then she will catch herself and regret it.
You need to get back to normal on time and answer the questions: Does he love me? Or wants to be with me for convenience?
If you have feelings, the chance is great. Resentment and revenge go beyond feelings, but you have to start working. Sit down together and talk. If he says that he chooses a family, it is highly likely that the relationship can be saved.
And if he returned, and he himself does not know what he wants, then there is a different course of events. Then a woman needs to soberly assess whether she needs such a man.
When a person asks for forgiveness, then the other person seems to stand on the mountain, look from above and forgive with a broad gesture. Here is a broad gesture - it will not save here. Real forgiveness is needed.
How likely is a saved family to be happy?
If people decide to stay together out of mutual convenience, then it will turn out, in fact, that strangers live under the same roof. Outwardly, it will look like a family: mom, dad, child, everything is in order. But in fact there is no family. People deceive themselves, deprive themselves of feelings. And most importantly, what do children see? Children will learn that everyone in the family lives their own life. Children feel everything so subtly, they have life decisions and scenarios, and this can subsequently complicate their relationship with the second half.
If people decide to stay together out of mutual feelings, the likelihood of a happy relationship is quite high.
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Situation four. The first "bells"
“I saw the profile of my young man on a dating site. Not for the first time - I caught it earlier, I removed the profile. Now again. It hurts, because we have been together for 2.5 years. He, as I understand it, writes off with girls and goes on dates. I gather my thoughts once again - it feels like they poured slop. There is pain, anxiety, and fear in my soul at the same time. But something needs to be changed. I don't know what to say when it comes. Or say nothing? "
Questions for a psychologist:
Why do women often “turn on Sherlock” and find cause for concern themselves?
Women who like to get into the phone or computer to their husbands are women who have an attitude that men cannot be trusted. A woman needs to work with herself - why do I choose men who deceive me?
Why does a man constantly visit a dating site? Two options: 1. He is a womanizer by nature, very loving, he needs female attention 2. He has not decided whether this woman, with whom I live, is mine.
In the second option, it will pass for him when he is determined. A woman can work on herself a little to resolve this issue in her favor. In the first, he will remain so forever, and even after getting married, he will seek the attention of other women. That is, a woman first of all needs to understand the type of man.
Is the “female detective” behavior correct?
I am a proponent of not getting into phones and computers. If you already have suspicions, it is better to speak frankly. Say, “I feel like you are missing something in our relationship. Tell me what it is, and I'll try to change. " From these moments, you can go out to very constructive and useful conversations, but female wisdom is needed.
The psychology of a man is such that when he is released, he does not want to leave, and when he is held, he wants to leave. Therefore, the phrases: “I love you, and I am very sorry that you are leaving. I can improve if you tell me where I am wrong. But if you choose another, I will let you go ”- they act on men magically. The likelihood increases that the man will stay.
An important point is when a woman finds out something, she has a whole tangle of emotions, and at these moments you cannot make decisions, find out, talk, because she will definitely do the wrong thing. Or out of anger, or out of revenge, or out of resentment. First, she needs to take a little time, cool down, calm down, go to the gym. Remove the bubbling emotions from yourself, then sit down and think: What's going on? There should be an analysis with a cool head. And only then you have to go to the conversation.
Situation five. Relapse
Changed the first time when the baby was just born. I found out, did not admit it. But the situation seemed to be hushed up. Today I learned about treason again. Moreover, I did not climb into his phone, social networks, etc., so as not to get upset. And the news of the betrayal came from my friend. How to learn to act as if your husband is indifferent? Like to teach him a lesson. On the other hand, I understand that it is useless. He has already destroyed his family. "
Should I forgive a second time?
If his wife is not dear and valuable to him, the man does not make a choice towards the family, then the woman needs to think - does she need such a man next to her? If treason is repeated for the second or third time, you need to think about it. Forgiving for life means not respecting yourself and doing nothing in order to be appreciated. Constantly forgiving, she makes it clear: with me this is possible.
Do I need to "teach" and change in response?
A common mistake is to raise your value by changing in response. This is a psychological defense of revenge. You hurt me, I'll go and do you back. What's next? He felt pain, he went and did something else. This path is destructive. We are sure that when he sees her betrayal, the man will say: Oh, dear, really, how I love you ...?
Probably, there are such cases, but this is the exception rather than the rule.
If the wife is not satisfied with something in the man, she can switch to the house and children. If a man is not satisfied, he has nothing to switch to. He can switch, of course, to work. But he still needs the spiritual warmth of a woman. And he begins to look for him "on the side", sometimes it happens unconsciously or by chance.
The first dangerous family moment is when children are born. The husband feels abandoned and unnecessary. Try to pay attention to him. Often children sleep with their mother, the husband separately on the couch. A woman makes it easier for her, she can be understood. But you need to remember the consequences. There is in psychology the concept of "dethroning". A man finds himself in such a situation. He was all in the family, but now he is overthrown from the throne.
The second dangerous moment is frequent quarrels. Why do fights happen? Because we do not know how to separate a person from an act. The woman was mistaken, the man immediately says - you are so-and-so, insulting the person, there is tough energy, the woman is offended, the man is angry, and a lump of conflict begins to grow.
But if, for example, he doesn’t like something, and he says: “Honey, I love you very much, but when you do that, it’s unpleasant for me.” The energy is different. The likelihood that a woman will reflect on her act and not be offended at the same time increases many times over.
The family is given to a person so that we learn to love. Of course, just like that. I love you anyone. I see your shortcomings, but I even speak to you about them with love. If conversations begin with the phrase “I love you,” they lead to constructiveness.
Close people know each other well, know the weaknesses of the partner, and know exactly "where to hit" in order to offend. One offends the other, the other sends him something even more offensive in response, and so on in increasing order. The conflict is not being resolved, but is growing. And if you take and send something good instead of something offensive. No "spite", no revenge, no pain in return.
Love and family preservation is work. Why do families break up and betrayal occurs? Because we stop working and show ourselves in all our glory. Those couples who work - they live together happily and for a long time.
This article is a short course, a collection of tips designed to give you a foothold in life after a shock. In more detail, clearly and in detail, I described everything in the book "How to survive the betrayal of her husband?"
I warn you right away - this article is as dry as the steppes of Kazakhstan. You will not find sympathy or help in dealing with emotions here. Only logic and analysis.
Coping with Cheating: An Outline of Events
The fact of treason is the point of no return. After everything has happened, it will definitely be bad for everyone. To everyone - both the traitor, and the one to whom they betrayed, and to the one with whom they betrayed. This article is for those who fell victim to betrayal.
There are many options for the development of events further. What do you have? You may think that cheating is everywhere and always cheating, but no. How events unfold will determine what you do. Answer the questions to understand where you are now.
- Do you have evidence of treason, or just suspicion?
- Did your husband confess to you in treason or did you find out about it yourself?
- Does your husband know that you know about cheating?
- Has the relationship ended on the side or is it still ongoing?
- What intentions does the husband express?
What will happen after her husband's betrayal?
As a result, there are four options for the situation.
- The husband left both you and his mistress.
- Does not leave, but does not interrupt the relationship on the side
- The husband leaves you for his mistress.
- The husband broke up with his mistress, asks to forgive him.
The first option - he left both his wife and his mistress - is just like a meteorite falling to Earth. Rarely and enchanting.
The second option is a little more common. The situation is agonizing for all three. In terms of neuroticism, it is perhaps the most harmful.
The third - the husband went to his mistress - the option is terrible in fact. But it is much easier to survive it than when the husband “has not decided”. Yes, a new life has begun for you - a life in which there are no more lies.
The fourth option - the husband left his mistress for you - is one of the most difficult. Everything sounds very good, but you understand that it will not be the same as before. This means that we need to build new relationships, taking into account past mistakes.
Coping with a Cheating Husband: Three Stages
These stages are highlighted by me when consulting women who have gone through to face cheating husband. This means that at each of these stages, I build counseling in a different way. Now I will briefly tell you about all three stages, and then we will look at each in more detail. Knowing these stages, you can predict what awaits you next. And how to behave so that everything will end as soon as possible.
Stage 1 - shock
Shocked by the news. Either complete stupor or hysteria. Very sharp pain, emotions go wild. The world collapsed overnight.
The shock passed like a thunderstorm. Thunder rumbles are still heard, but they are already in the distance. Now you have to examine the destruction and understand how bad it is.
Stage 3 - recovery
The pain is no longer acute, it is lingering. Presses, presses ... Gradually less and less, but very slowly, if you do not help her to leave. It's time to get used to a new life.
Now let's take a closer look at each stage. They are the same for each of the 4 situations. But in the event that you and your husband still broke up, just replace "Advice 2" with "Advice 2+"
The first batch of tips focuses on your actions in the first days after you hear the terrible news.
Period description: the mood is unstable - now rage, now despair, now hatred, now love.
Duration of the period:1-2 weeks.
Primary goal:survive the shock.
Tip 1... Forbid yourself to make decisions. Because they will be taken exclusively under the influence of the stress hormone. And don't tell me: " I thought and decided!“At this time, you simply physically cannot think objectively. Recall the multiplication table.
Advice 2. Start collecting information about the phenomenon of cheating. Articles, forums, books, communication. What for? Then, to regain the ability to think. Now it seems to you that this is "horror-horror". But after reading articles, hearing other people's stories, you will understand that “yes, horror. But not horror-horror-horror. " Cleverly, this is called reducing dramatization.
Advice 3. Don't be alone. Constantly with someone near. You can be silent. Because you are a little energy vampire right now. Yes, I'm sorry, but it's true. And there is nothing selfish about getting strength from somewhere. In the end, every person wants to be needed by someone. Let your family, friends and even just friends be needed. There is no need to discuss your misfortune with everyone. You just need someone whose company is not disgusting to you, was in the room.
Tip 4. Find a trusted person who will listen to your stories and wipe away your tears.
Here it will be necessary to talk already. Better that it was a psychologist. In extreme cases, a friend. So that you can cry your sorrow, your grief. Cry it out as many times as your soul needs.
The most common mistakes: dwell on your misfortune and pain. Blame one person for everything: yourself or him.
The most painful and responsible stage. It is here that it is decided what will happen next. It is here that it passes from the acute phase to the chronic one. This
Period description: emotional swings are good and bad.
Duration of the period: according to my observations, from a month to six months. If it is longer, it means that someone is deliberately delaying it.
Advice 1. Instead of self-flagellation, write down every thought that comes to mind in the form of a thesis. You will think a lot about your mistakes. Do not exaggerate them in your head, but write down: “ You can't do this, you have to do this ... "
Advice 2. Focus on your man. Try to understand his behavior. I know what it sounds like: “Guess what the frog is thinking". And I know that you always want to show him your feelings and pain. But now the main thing is to figure out whether he is ready to work on the situation, to correct mistakes. It is at this stage that women usually come to me and together we figure out what the traitor now means when he says certain words. And how to convey to him what he wants.
Tip 2+... There is no man next to you yet. It is also simpler. You don't have to carry anything to anyone. You will pay out your pain to the psychologist, and becoming wiser and more beautiful, you will go to build new relationships!
Advice 3. The greatest flow of pain that can occur after an affair occurs during this period. Get rid of the pain. Use the entire arsenal of tools, do not disdain anything. Neither esotericism, nor meditation, nor logic.
Tip 4. Remember that you are building the world for two. With this man or with another, but in your soul and in life there should be a place for a man and his interests. And yours too! Necessarily!
The most common mistakes: overdo it with “tightening the screws” with a husband who has admitted his guilt; believe your pride and refuse to give a chance to someone who really deserves it; to be sure that "the man has shrunk now, there are no more reliable ones."
Coping with Cheating: Stage 3. Recovery
The wounds begin to heal. Or do not start, if you always interfere.
Period description: you are like a stretched spring. If you are not touched, then everything can be fine. If provoked, there will be a storm.
Duration of the period: from a week to several years. It depends on how much effort you put in and your life partner, if you have one now.
Primary goal: see yourself in a new world.
Tip 1... Ignore information about cheating. Do not read articles, do not discuss with friends, do not watch themed films.
Advice 2. The focus is on your self-esteem. Now is the time to assert your new place in the sun.
Advice 3. We need to change. New habits, new way of communication, new hairstyle, clothes, new routes, new behaviors. It is desirable, in accordance with the errors that you identified during the second stage.
Tip 4. By an effort of will to block the "chewing" of memories of treason. Yes, I know it's difficult. But there are special exercises that will help you. It is possible.
Tip 5. Live in small sections. Let's say you got up in the morning and the main task is to keep a good mood for the whole day. Don't think about tomorrow, next month, or fall.
Psychologist's advice on how a woman can survive her husband's betrayal: Do not allow yourself the most common mistakes: regularly slide into the past; disappointed in men.
Remember that everything that happened is just one episode in your life. Yes, he's terrible. But your life consists not only of him. What else is there in your life? You can move on and be happy.
And for more detailed information, ways to restore energy, solving complex emotional issues, new scenarios for communicating with a man - look for all this in the book. "How to survive betrayal?"
If you are faced with the betrayal of a loved one, do not withdraw into yourself. There are many ways to get rid of feelings and pain and frustration, which are described in this article.
Betrayal carries with it pain, disappointment, longing and resentment. No matter how strong a person is, it is always difficult to survive betrayal or parting with a loved one and it seems that there is simply no way out of the endless black strip.
When you were betrayed
The main thing is not to give up and not do stupid things. Remember that life is one, and you can forget a loved one, find new love and build a happier destiny.
Do not think that this is all over and that you have no sense of further existence. Just believe in yourself, your strength and start fighting the pain, fight with yourself and your subconscious, so that in a few weeks you will feel like a completely different person. 
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one
The first thing you should do is stop blaming yourself and your ex for the wrong thing. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's a shame. But this does not mean that you were not the person whom they wanted to see you.
It is possible that the betrayal was completely spontaneous, without malicious intent, in a state of alcoholic intoxication, when it is difficult to control the mind and actions. But that doesn't mean you have to look for an excuse.
You just need to accept that the events took place, and now you have a difficult task - to survive the betrayal of your loved one.
And to make it as simple as possible, at the first stage you need to do the following.
A splash of emotions
You should not punish the offender with physical force or shout in the middle of the street about your pain. Stay at home alone and tell all your feelings into the air, splash out emotions like water from a glass. 
Scream, throw objects, cry, bang your hands against the wall, but be sure to empty yourself to feel this incredible feeling of relief.
Distance from problems
If a point is set in the relationship and the continuation is definitely not expected, then start moving away from the past life.
Keep a decent distance from problems by destroying photos, correspondence, ceasing to communicate with friends and relatives of the offender (if possible).
Ask loved ones to help you and not to remind you that you were once together. On a walk, be sure to exclude places where you and your loved one spent time together.
Face it
Do not build illusions - there was betrayal and you are not sleeping now. Do not be afraid to admit, albeit bitter, but still the truth, whatever they may be. Yes, you are left alone with pain and disappointment, but life does not end there.
Negotiation table
If you want to know the truth about the reason, then you should talk to your loved one in private. 
At the same time, be confident, proud, do not show your resentment and do not ask to return. If you can continue the relationship, it’s only out of pity. And this is even more betrayal than treason.
New life
Not Monday or next month. You need to start a new life right now, as soon as emotions are thrown out. Set yourself a goal - your fate is in your hands and only you can influence the course of events.
Cheating and further relationships
She does not always put an end to the relationship. For example, if pain and resentment burst into a married couple with children, then it is not necessary to destroy the marriage. 
You may be better off alone for a while. In a few days, you can understand how important a person is to you and whether you are ready to unconsciously return to the pain that you had to endure just by looking at your beloved or beloved.
To understand and forgive ... This expression fits perfectly with the betrayal of a spouse. It may not be so easy to understand, because you will never and never be able to bring pain to the one who gave you so much joy.
Do not try to understand, however much you would like to do it. Accept, try to justify, look for a reason, but don't put yourself in the shoes of the offender. He must not impose his truth on you.
It is very difficult to survive the betrayal of a loved one, but if you really want to get rid of pain and feelings of disappointment, then you really want to do it. Cheer up - there is a wonderful life ahead, filled with happy and bright moments that will bring only joy.
The content of the article:
Betrayal of a loved one is a betrayal that can destroy a family, as well as the fate of not one, but several people. A night with a friend, an old love, an affair at work, a casual relationship ... Cheating can be different, but each of them has no excuses and requires a decision from the woman - to continue the relationship or to break it off forever.
The main reasons for cheating on a loved one
Women have long been asking themselves why men are cheating, what is the problem, how to avoid it. Knowing the reasons for male infidelity, you can prevent this to some extent.
In fact, there are not so few of them, let's highlight the most common of them:
- Addictive... Spouses, living under one roof for many years, often become uninteresting to each other. They do not want to get divorced, since they have a lot of things in common - joint children, apartment, car, business and much more. Over time, addiction appears, and you don't want to change anything, because everything is fine, but still something is missing. So men start intrigues in order to add a little variety to their familiar and boring life.
- Drunken state... This reason arises from the first. What's on the mind of a sober is in fact drunk. Under the influence of alcohol, those men who are bored with married life change, but in his right mind and sober memory, his conscience did not allow him to “walk to the left”.
- Revenge on his wife... The infidelity of a spouse is a strong blow to a man's pride. There is no point in explaining something about this. Everything is clear anyway. A man will take revenge until he completely gets rid of his humiliation and resentment.
- Lack of attention and sex... A woman who is keen on work, children or everyday life forgets that her husband also needs attention and affection. If the spouse is still denied sex, referring to a headache or severe fatigue, then betrayal cannot be avoided. A man will go looking for joy in the other direction.
- Emotional addiction... Insecure women are emotionally dependent on their men. Women leeches quickly get bored, so men cheat on them. The spouse's lack of independence overrides all her attractiveness in her, by the same killing male attraction to her.
- Habitual lifestyle... There are men who do not see anything wrong with treason. Thus, they try to establish themselves in the eyes of their acquaintances. Such adventures "to the left" will never end.
The main signs of betrayal of a loved one
You can find out about the betrayal of your beloved spouse not only when you find him “hot” or when he himself confesses what he had done. There are many signs by which it is easy to expose the wrong person.
The first thing that should alert the spouse is the man's sudden attention to his appearance. This can be a wardrobe renewal, a careful selection of perfume, a sudden passion for sports, attention to your physical form, an addiction to a different style of clothing.
The appearance of a mistress will certainly be reflected in the attitude towards his wife. This manifests itself in the detachment and unwillingness of a man to participate in any family matters. Nagging and accusations of unwillingness to take care of oneself, as well as of the wife's mismanagement, may arise.
A new woman in a man's life takes time, so constant delays at work for unknown reasons should alert the spouse.
In addition, having a mistress also requires financial costs. Analyzing communication on the phone, you can also reveal the secrets of the wrong, ignoring incoming calls and SMS, hiding the phone suggests that he has something to hide.
When you can forgive the betrayal of a loved one
If the relationship has just begun to develop, and there was a fact of betrayal on the part of the guy, then the question is quite justified whether it is possible to forgive the betrayal of a loved one or it makes no sense. Another thing is when the betrayal occurred in a married couple or after several years of relationship. In such cases, you can forgive, the main thing is to understand the reason.
If this is a casual relationship, in which there are no any sincere feelings, there is no point in ruining your marriage. However, not everything is so simple if the cheater is in love with a rival or she is his old love. Physical betrayal is not as bad as platonic.
In what cases can you forgive the betrayal of a loved one:
- Sincere remorse... If a loved one has repented, regrets his deed, his conscience torments him, realizing his mistake, he can be forgiven.
- Ability to keep your word... You need to remember how the cheater behaved in the past, whether he knows how to keep his words or often takes them back when he pleases. If this is not the first time he betrays, he did the same in past relationships, then there should not even be a question of forgiveness.
- A person does everything to make amends... If there are still feelings, and the betrayal was purely accidental, then everything should be done on the part of the offender so that what happened was forgotten like a strange dream. If he doesn't care, then he will remain indifferent to everything, pretending that everything is fine and nothing strange has happened.
Try to change priorities. For women, the first place is cleaning the apartment, dinner, lessons with the child, and self-care and appearance are postponed for later. Active skin care, body masks, spas, constant experiments with hair and makeup, shopping - all this should come first. Gorgeous women are not cheated, but wives, tortured by life, very often.
It will not be superfluous to diversify your sex life. To avoid betrayal of a loved one, you need variety in your intimate life. Most often, men are drawn to cheating due to the fact that wives are conservative, tight-lipped and not inclined to experiment in sex.
Cheating is of a different nature. One is done out of stupidity, the second - for evil, the third - in spite of everything. There are such betrayals when you can close your eyes, step over yourself and forgive in order to find happiness. However, in some cases, you should not even think about how to forgive the betrayal of a loved one.
Consider situations where you should immediately end a relationship:
- Cheating has become systematic... The spouse does not even try to hide his adventures. Most likely, the wife in such a situation plays only the role of a cook and a housekeeper, nothing more.
- Complete ignore... If for all the wife's attempts to talk to her husband, to sort out the relationship with him, he ignores everything and does not show interest in saving the relationship, then it is not worth saving anything.
- Breakdown in a relationship... If the husband has long ceased to be a husband and a loved one, changing his status to a roommate.
- Not just cheating, but serious feelings... If a strange woman has become not just a mistress, but firmly established herself in a man's life, the relationship between spouses can no longer be saved. Perhaps he is simply the first to be afraid to raise the issue of their breakup, but such a relationship does not have a normal continuation, they need to end.
Important! A woman after a betrayal of her beloved should not apply to herself such definitions as poor, abandoned, unhappy. On the contrary, you need to feel joyful, free and independent. We ourselves shape our thinking. If you feel sorry for yourself and cry about injustice, then you can remain unhappy and miserable, which will not help to take positive things into life.
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one
Everything should be treated with calmness and understanding. After all, betrayal is not the end of the world, after it you can start all over again and find a happy family.
Consider below how to survive the betrayal of a loved one:
- Express your emotions... You should not shout about your pain in the middle of the street or punish your abuser with physical force. The right decision would be to just stay at home alone and tell all your feelings in the air, throwing out all the accumulated emotions. You can shout, throw objects, cry, knock your hands on the wall to empty yourself, and then an incredible feeling of relief will come.
- Face it... You should not build illusions, look for some excuses and excuses - there was treason, and this is not a dream. It is necessary to accept the truth with dignity, no matter how bitter it may be. It's not just being left alone with disappointment and pain, but life goes on, and there, ahead, there will be bright, happy moments.
- Have a negotiating table... In order to find out the truth about the reason for treason, you will have to talk with your loved one. You need to hold on proudly and confidently, without tears, without showing your resentment, the main thing is not to beg him to come back. Such a continuation of the relationship will rest on pity, which is even worse than the betrayal itself.
- Keep your distance from problems... If there is no continuation in the relationship and an end is put, then you need to move away from the past. Warn your loved ones so that they do not remind about this once again. Those places where you went together, having some special memories, it is better not to visit at first. You can delete joint photos and correspondence, as well as, if possible, stop communicating with friends and relatives of the offender.
- Don't be alone... Loneliness has a detrimental effect on a person, does not allow one to get rid of depressing thoughts, worsens an already difficult situation. Communication with friends will protect you from being locked in your thoughts and in yourself. A joint visit to entertainment venues such as karaoke or an ice rink, bowling or billiards will dispel thoughts, and for a while the pain will subside, and then disappear altogether.
- Make plans for a happy future... A joint future or separately - but it is and will be. You need to get rid of the negative state, fight for your place in the sun and move on. There should be some kind of goal that will help activate oneself, arouse the desire to live on and discover new aspects of the future.
- Do not deny yourself anything... In this situation, a useful technique is the complete satisfaction of their desires. This condition stimulates a person to think positively and helps to suppress bad moods.
To make the right decision on how to forget the betrayal of a loved one can only be calmed down, on a sober head, and not in anger and disheveled feelings.
What are the taboos for cheating
Betrayal is not easy to survive, pain cannot be stifled, resentment is not so easy to hide. However, time heals, suffering subsides, and life goes on. There is no need to make desperate steps, make mistakes that can ruin your life.
Forget silly things to your detriment:
- Alcohol... It only looks beautiful in films when a girl sits in despair at the bar with a glass of wine and pours her grief. In life, not everything is so simple, alcohol does not lead to anything good. It may be possible to forget for a while, but to get rid of everything piled up - no. However, a terrible condition and headache in the morning are provided.
- Become a bitch... There is no need to change yourself and become a different person, punishing others for the pain caused by a loved one. Only he and no one else should be punished.
- Cheat for evil... This will definitely not lead to good. Your own betrayal in spite of a loved one will not help you forget his betrayal. The situation will get worse, the shaken relationship will fall apart to smithereens.
- Suicide... Unfortunately, there are times when girls do not want to live after the betrayal of their beloved boyfriend and make irrevocable mistakes. And this is such stupidity, because you can start a new relationship that will be better than the old, or forgive your loved one and start all over again.
In conclusion, I would like to note that life continues after infidelity! The main thing is to pull yourself together, make the right decision, then radically change your life. Relationships after infidelity can continue, but it will not be so easy to renew them. It is possible to return old feelings only in one case, if both want it.
