How to reconcile with your husband? We maintain relationships in different situations. Husband refuses to reconcile after fight

Inside, he is very closed, calm, almost devoid of emotions. He believes that emotions are an evil that must be fought and always kept under control.

And since he doesn’t know how to throw out irritation in a civilized way, it looks unpleasant (

My husband was my friend for a very long time, who did not know everything about me, but much, more than husbands usually know.

Do you know your husband as well as he knows you?

Husband in quarrel refuses to discuss the essence of the problem, screams, breaks down almost into a squeal, which has never happened to him before, takes the conversation aside, recalls some old sins, accuses me of absurd things that are simply ridiculous and scary.

Can I have a couple of examples of such quarrels, SW. Ivanov? Because of what it started, what was the "core of the problem" and where did the conversation turn as a result

The downside of everything that is happening is that I am still not sure whether my husband loves me or not. Yes, he lives with me for many years, he has always been caring and gentle, active in bed. But in a relationship with him, I never leave the feeling that I am just an accident in his life, if it wasn't me, anyone would have gone. He is omnivorous.

Well, in a way it is, I think. If he hadn't met you, he obviously would have met some other woman...

What is the husband's "omnivorousness"?

I understand very well about “fat with fat”: many who assess the situation only from the outside can give such advice.
Sometimes people develop in different directions in the process. And yes, I support that the situation with the business could become a catalyst for the fact that my husband's previously tightly worn lid was torn off.
Whether you want to live with him or leave, it's up to you.
Don't change your husband. But with ways to respond to the behavior of her husband, you can help figure it out)

Would you appreciate him more if he wasn't "omnivorous"? this is a plus, not a minus.

He doesn't need to prove anything. This is a man, not a rag. He does not admit his guilt and will not sprinkle ashes on his head. As uv. Azure - what is more important to you - to be happy or right? Your man is now having a difficult period in his life because of work - support him, understand how difficult it is for him.

Tell about your family. How old were you when your parents divorced?

And what is the real point of defending your point about the turn signal? For what? And who was driving?

I see a contradiction here. "Calm" and "very closed and afraid of his own emotions" are completely different, I would even say, opposite characteristics.
It turns out that the husband did not learn to let out negative emotions, but drove them away and showed you "calmness and good mood", and now, against the backdrop of problems, the lid was torn off

I will try to explain, I got the impression that once in his youth he discovered for himself the secret of how to be loved by everyone - this is to be a good guy, not to tell the truth, to maintain good relations with everyone. It's hard to wear such a mask if you are subject to emotions. Therefore, he created the concept that emotional people are scandalous and uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what kind of toad you have on a person, it’s much more important that there is no conflict, everything is decent and smooth. He leaves his good mood not to me and the children, but to people outside the family. There's just a darling, and at home a bore and a tyrant. The tyrant is not in the sense of torturing, but in the sense everything should be as he said.

Do you know your husband as well as he knows you?
Or was it such one-sided frankness on your part?

It seems to me that I have a need to communicate more, I'm still a woman, plus I need it more. But there were times when he willingly entered into a conversation, we could argue, discussing the film or, for example, the situation at work. He has a very peculiar view on many things, it is very valuable for me, a view from the side plus the opinion of a person whom I respect. In general, I think that the statement "I know this person" is impudent, sometimes people do not know themselves. The answer to the question - there was a time when it seemed to me that I understand him very well.

Can I have a couple of examples of such quarrels, SW. Ivanov? Because of what it started, what was the "core of the problem" and where did the conversation turn as a result

Any attempt to discuss what is happening. Recently, I sat next to him in the evening and offered to discuss what was going on between us. At first they told me that everything is fine with us and he sees no reason to discuss something, then he suggested rescheduling the conversation "to tomorrow." When I began to insist, arguing that it had already been postponed many times, I got furious and moved on to the topic “but you didn’t wash the dishes yesterday, and last week you didn’t sew up a pocket on my jeans.” This is me figuratively, to the fact that it had nothing to do with the topic of conversation. But I agreed and offered to discuss all the claims that he has against me, any, and in return I will express my own. As a result, I listened to him, and when it was my turn, it started again, "and here you are, you yourself, you said that then." In fact, it always turns out that I am always wrong, and he is right, whatever one may say. And he claims it in all seriousness. At such moments I have the feeling that I am sitting in a madhouse with Napoleon. No sane person can claim that he is always right!

Well, in a way it is, I think. If he hadn't met you, he obviously would have met some other woman...
Or do you believe that every person has a “half”, without which he cannot see happiness in life?
What is the husband's "omnivorousness"?

I may have expressed myself a little incorrectly ... I understand that if it weren’t for me, there would be another one, I don’t believe in halves at all. I meant that he does not know at all what affection and need for someone is. He is very conservative. He is sure that a man should have a wife and children. You need to sleep with your wife and go to visit, sometimes give in so as not to scandal. Children need to be loved and nurtured. This is how the world should be. And all sorts of such nonsense, such as love, affection, when a person is needed and you cannot imagine life without him - this is a whim. Importantly, a strong family, where everyone knows their duties and fulfills them. Everything is in order and this is the guarantee of health. It seems to me that if I leave, he will simply shrug his shoulders and decide that I have a whim, and he needs to continue to live, and in a month he will heal perfectly with someone else. There will be no attempts to find out something, to return, no. This is what I meant.

Added ---

I want to live with him. And I wrote specifically to help with "methods of response")))

I will try to explain, I got the impression that once in his youth he discovered for himself the secret of how to be loved by everyone - this is to be a good guy, not to tell the truth, to maintain good relations with everyone. It's hard to wear such a mask if you are subject to emotions. Therefore, he created the concept that emotional people are scandalous and uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what kind of toad you have on a person, it’s much more important that there is no conflict, everything is decent and smooth.

I got it, yeah

He leaves his good mood not to me and the children, but to people outside the family. There's just a darling, and at home a bore and a tyrant. The tyrant is not in the sense of torturing, but in the sense everything should be as he said.

Is it so now - or from the very beginning of the relationship was the husband "a bore and a tyrant"?

In general, I think that the statement "I know this person" is impudent, sometimes people do not know themselves. The answer to the question - there was a time when it seemed to me that I understand him very well.

Correctly I understand, uv. Ivanova, that you and your husband were frank and shared many things that you usually don’t discuss with your husbands (what by the way?) - but he never showed such frankness, preferred to discuss abstract topics?

But there were times when he willingly entered into a conversation, we could argue, discussing the film or, for example, the situation at work.

I got the impression that for you an indispensable attribute of an interesting conversation is a dispute
It is so indeed?

Any attempt to discuss what is happening. Recently, I sat next to him in the evening and offered to discuss what was going on between us.

Those. if you do not initiate attempts to sort things out, then there will be no quarrels?

He is very conservative. He is sure that a man should have a wife and children. You need to sleep with your wife and go to visit, sometimes give in so as not to scandal. Children need to be loved and nurtured. This is how the world should be. And all sorts of such nonsense, such as love, affection, when a person is needed and you cannot imagine life without him - this is a whim. Importantly, a strong family, where everyone knows their duties and fulfills them. Everything is in order and this is the guarantee of health.

Pretty common sense, IMHO
I think the opposite situation - when a man regularly declares that he cannot imagine life without you - but at the same time he does not care about you or the children - you would like it even less

Would you appreciate him more if he wasn't "omnivorous"? this is a plus, not a minus.
I don't understand, please explain.

If not for you, he really met another woman, and he would also love her. Do you consider yourself exceptional?

I do not consider myself exceptional at all, but what I had in mind, I explained in a previous post.

As some advice - you need to establish a sexual life - often and a lot. That with so many years of living together and the problems that arose with her husband's work, this is not an easy task. NECESSARY.

Here I agree 100%. It is now very little, just a disaster. Moreover, we both love our sex and get great pleasure from it. But the husband does not show much initiative, and this is understandable in his situation, and I am afraid to impose myself for the same reason that it is difficult for him. We sleep on opposite sides of the bed

Tell about your family. How old were you when your parents divorced?

how do you know my parents are divorced? Fantastic! Yes, they divorced when I was 6 years old. The reason is the father's betrayal. I have lived with my stepfather since I was 6 years old. I was waiting for this question and was afraid of it. Last time, my face-to-face communication with a psychologist ended there, I decided that I did not want to unlock this door and turned off the communication. It's hard for me to talk about this period of my life, because if I start talking, I see pity on people's faces, and I don't like it. Yes, and it’s uncomfortable to talk, as if you are trying to squeeze out a tear. My stepfather is a decent person in the sense that there were no classics of the genre - no one seduced or raped me. But for almost 15 years he methodically humiliated me, insulted me and morally destroyed me. If possible, I will omit the details.
Mom never interfered with my communication with my father, but I very quickly realized what he was like. An extremely cold, selfish person, at the age of 18 I realized that he does not even know how old I am and when my birthday is. In his words, "somewhere in the winter." He is alive now, lives nearby, a year ago I saw him, much more than his granddaughters, he was interested in what car I arrived in)).
With my stepfather, at the insistence of my mother, already in my youth and more mature age, I tried to establish relations, but 3 years ago, after another ridiculous complaint against me, I interrupted communication, deciding that enough was enough for me. This is not my husband to be his aunt. I have mine for this. In fact, it was still about the children, they loved him very much, he worked with them a lot, and then, after being offended by me, he transferred it to them. They were confused, did not understand why grandfather did not talk to them. It hurt me a lot to see this. Children take care of everything. Therefore, I tried to explain that grandfather was simply unwell, not feeling well and did not take them there anymore.
At the moment, my mother lives with her stepfather, and she comes to us once or twice a week. I always had a good relationship with my mother, very trusting, almost friendly.

Our family has always had equal relations, it was mandatory for me and remains so. I refuse to understand why, at almost my 40s, they suddenly began to tell me how to live, in all seriousness declaring that "it's so right."

SW. Ivanova, please give 4-5 examples of how your husband tells you "how to live." Specific situations and your dialogues.

I got it, yeah
But for the second time I already notice such a division in you - there are “emotional” people, and there are “calm” ones, like your husband
But the absence of fireworks of emotions does not mean the absence of emotions.

This is not my division, but my husband's. I just agree that calm does not mean without emotions. I think that he has these same emotions, he simply considers it wrong to show them.

Is it so now - or from the very beginning of the relationship was the husband "a bore and a tyrant"?

It wasn't like that from the start. Then little things began to appear, such as "why did you turn off the burner under the scrambled eggs, you need to put a kettle there now." Then he began to quarrel with his mother, why she cooked dinner not the way he likes. I tried to exhort, saying that he had me for this, and his mother cooks the way dad likes. Then he began to cling to his eldest daughter. She doesn't laugh, talk, and generally not the right way! And she has puberty, she is freaking out, she does not understand why the caring beloved dad has become so nasty and constantly criticizes her. Now the youngest has grown up, the same thing begins. Now we have what I try not to touch him at all, the eldest daughter communicates only if he is in a good mood, and the youngest just sobs, encountering rudeness or punishment.

Correctly I understand, uv. Ivanova, that you and your husband were frank and shared many things that you usually don’t discuss with your husbands (what by the way?) - but he never showed such frankness, preferred to discuss abstract topics?

Everyone has different concepts of "they don't discuss with their husbands." Someone even with her husband cannot discuss the size of his salary. I meant that I could gossip with him, discuss the actions of one of my friends, a girl on the street or a guy, ask to buy tampons or birth control pills.
Is the topic of my work abstract for him, where I have a problem, and he helped to solve it?
Or did one of his friends piss him off and complain? I already admitted that there was more frankness on my part, but it seems to me normal, given that men generally communicate verbally several times less often than women.

I got the impression that for you an indispensable attribute of an interesting conversation is a dispute
It is so indeed?
Maybe. It depends on what is considered a dispute - is it a conversation in a raised voice? Or an exchange of opinions of people who disagree about something? For me, the conversation is interesting if there is an opponent, a person with a different opinion, where I can find out and learn something, otherwise why discuss it at all? What to discuss if everyone agrees? Cool movie? Yeah. The conversation is over.

Those. if you do not initiate attempts to sort things out, then there will be no quarrels?
Or do they happen for other reasons?

In general, I try not to initiate quarrels. As I said above, I try to avoid communication for the very reason that this leads to a quarrel. And of course there are reasons. First of all, these are children. I am an adult and can withstand constant pressure without taking the negativity personally. And the children suffer, they do not understand what they are to blame for. The nit-picking is sometimes out of place. Especially goes to the eldest, she is a teenager, with all the words, antics and jumps. The husband categorically does not accept cutesy women, and the daughter tries herself in a female capacity, it turns out, of course, cutesy and clumsy, he constantly lashes out with criticism, she suffers. I am silent, I endure, then all the same I intervene. And the ramble begins. Secondly, these are his public speeches addressed to me. If I tell something, I can be ridiculed in front of everyone, put in a stupid light. For example, to say that it is convenient for me to sit on the priest evenly and do nothing (in the sense of money), despite the fact that I have been working all my life since I was 18 and there was a time when I earned more than him. And so on.

Pretty common sense, IMHO
I think the opposite situation - when a man regularly declares that he cannot imagine life without you - but at the same time he does not care about you or the children - you would like it even less

I agree, therefore I appreciate, love and respect him. But sometimes I want to just say that it's good that you are with me, I love you, you are beautiful, sexy, etc.

Added ---

I was driving. He was angry, lost at cards and drank. I found fault with the turn signal, climbed into the Internet and did not find a definite answer. On my words that the instructor taught me so, aggression and screams went. I answered, in vain, of course, but you can’t write anymore. Like this. It probably didn't make sense. But when they yell at you all the time, there is a desire to defend yourself at least somewhere.

It wasn't like that from the start. Then little things began to appear, such as "why did you turn off the burner under the scrambled eggs, you need to put a kettle there now." Then he began to quarrel with his mother, why she cooked dinner not the way he likes. I tried to exhort, saying that he had me for this, and his mother cooks the way dad likes.

Do you live with his parents?

Everyone has different concepts of "they don't discuss with their husbands". Someone even with her husband cannot discuss the size of his salary.

Actually, it was your phrase, that's why I asked for clarification. And in response, for some reason, you began to argue that this concept is different for everyone

In general, I think that the statement "I know this person" is impudent, sometimes people do not know themselves.

It seems that you have some kind of "sore spot" here, and you hide it behind abstractions

Well, for example, the definition from the dictionary:

Dispute - a clash of opinions, positions, during which each of the parties argues for its understanding of the issues under discussion and seeks to refute the arguments of the other side

Those. an argument is not just a conversation between two people with different opinions, but upholding one's point of view

Do you live with his parents?

They lived before, then they both died suddenly.

And last time I received abstract reasoning to my question on this topic:

It seems that you have some kind of "sore spot" here, and you hide it behind abstractions

Maybe if you explain why it is necessary to understand exactly whether my husband was frank with me, I can specify. At the moment, I do not quite understand what the sore callus is. I already answered that yes, I believe that he was as frank with me as he could. I was probably more interested in him as a listener. He is generally more silent than a talker. Is this bad or wrong? He listened, helped me with advice, but always spoke less than I did. I always thought it was normal for a man. Plus, he always expresses himself very specifically, it is not difficult to understand him, he does not like to go around and around. It's just that he rarely does it, that's the way he is.

Well, for example, the definition from the dictionary:

Those. an argument is not just a conversation between two people with different opinions, but upholding one's point of view

So I'm misinterpreting this concept. I didn't use the right word. We had "conversations between two people with different opinions", sometimes turning into an argument. The key question, as far as I remember, was whether I considered arguing to be an integral part of communication. Answer: No, I don't think so.

Well, for example, some time ago he got angry if I was talking on a mobile phone at home. It happened like this: - who did you talk to? - with mom - you couldn't talk at work? - no, we don’t approve of this, I don’t talk while driving, I’m afraid to get into an accident - how much you can trindle on the phone - I can’t refuse my mother if she calls - you are at home, then you are for me and the children. And this despite the fact that I can not stand talking on the phone, I prefer live communication and my conversations do not last longer than those on duty - how are you? Everything is fine for now. As a result, I drove up to the house and called everyone from the car, and only then went up home.
The next example - I can not say that I do not want to eat if the family sits down to dinner. The dialogue is like this - why don't you eat? - I don't want to - why? - I had lunch late at work, it was parked - this is wrong, what kind of example are you setting for the children, you need to eat according to the regimen and on time - but I don’t want to - that means I had to dine on time - listen, can I decide for myself when I should eat? - no, you set a bad example that the children will think that they can refuse and not eat if you don’t want to? - firstly, I'm not a child, and secondly, yes, I think that there is nothing terrible if sometimes a person does not want to eat.
Next. Friday, I don’t work, the youngest daughter asks to stay at home and not go to kindergarten. I allow. Dialogue - why isn't she in the garden? - I allowed, I'm at home today - why? - I want to take a walk with her, go roller-skating, spend the day together - what nonsense, let him go to the garden - why? - the child should know that she has responsibilities, you can’t skip the garden just like that - why? - that's right - who decided it? - I - and I decided that it would be right to please the child, it doesn’t happen so often - why without me I decided - why should you burden you, you already have problems, I didn’t think that you would be dissatisfied.
Next. You can not leave food, bread half-eaten or half-drink tea. Dialogue: Why didn't you finish your bread again? - I don't want to - I need to finish my meal - who needs it? I don’t, I ate, it would be superfluous - you do it to spite me, you don’t eat up bread all the time - are you out of your mind? Am I leaving you bread to spite you? I have nothing else to do but think about how to annoy you, why? - Then why are you leaving? - I just don’t want to - it doesn’t happen, you have to eat up, that’s right.

Further. You can't turn on the light if it's enough, even if it's dark for me. I am very short-sighted, I need it to be constantly light, otherwise all objects float and I am extremely uncomfortable. It is impossible not because it bothers him, but because it is wrong to turn on the light while it is light. It is useless to explain that light and dark are relative categories, everyone perceives light differently. It's light outside - there's no need to turn on the lights. And even shoot.

Here are some examples. Perhaps, to someone this will seem ridiculous and unworthy of attention, but all together they are simply exhausting, you must constantly monitor whether everything is done “correctly” so that there is no quarrel. In principle, I’m always in good shape, but sometimes you get tired and you miss something, and then it’s hard.

Google "epileptoid personality type", SW. Author. Doesn't it look like a husband?

Maybe if you explain why it is necessary to understand exactly whether my husband was frank with me I can be specific. At the moment, I do not quite understand what the sore callus is. I already answered that yes, I believe that he was as frank with me as he could. I was probably more interested in him as a listener.

For nothing. I was just interested in your manner of answering and abstractly arguing that "different people have different things"
Initially, I was interested in your phrase:

My husband was my friend for a very long time, who did not know everything about me, but much, more than men usually know.

I concluded from this phrase that you and your husband had a very high level of trust and frankness - much higher than in a "normal" family
Plus this sentence:

He began to cross the line, to say things that he knows, I can’t say, because it hurts me very much.

made me think that you and your husband shared some personal, intimate things that he now uses against you in quarrels
I clarified whether the husband shared such personal information with you:

Do you know your husband as well as he knows you?
Or was it such one-sided frankness on your part?

In response, I received arguments that it is impudent to assume that you know a person, and you discussed films and work with him
I made another attempt to clarify - and received a portion of resonant reasoning and rhetorical questions:

Everyone has different concepts of "they don't discuss with their husbands." Someone even with her husband cannot discuss the size of his salary. I meant that I could gossip with him, discuss the actions of one of my friends, a girl on the street or a guy, ask to buy tampons or birth control pills.
Is the topic of my work abstract for him, where I have a problem, and he helped to solve it?
Or did one of his friends piss him off and complain? I already admitted that there was more frankness on my part, but I think this is normal, given that Men generally verbally communicate several times less often than women..

As a result, I was perplexed - either I touched on a topic that you categorically do not want to discuss, or whether this is your usual manner of communication
If the second option, then IMHO it is not surprising that after your attempts to "discuss the problem" the husband starts to freak out

Added ---

They lived before, then they both died suddenly.

How long ago did your husband's parents die, uv. Ivanova?

I googled. There are very similar features. For example, pedantry, a high level of requirements for others in the absence of the same requirements for oneself, love for the established order, the ability to put everything on the shelves, simply to state.
But there is absolutely nothing about him. I understand that epileptoids are sometimes cruel, jealous, they love to lead very much. In childhood, as a rule, very difficult teenagers. It's not about him at all. He is not cruel, absolutely not jealous, as a child he was a wonderful baby and an absolutely trouble-free teenager. I know this from his mother, and she was a fair woman. I have known him since the age of 20, there were no outbursts of rage, which I understood to be the most distinguishing feature of an epileptoid, I don’t remember at all that he raised his voice or laughed out loud. He is not subject to emotions, I already wrote here, he considers it shameful for a reasonable person, he has everything according to the rules, he does not violate them. All the more strange is what is happening now.

I googled. There are very similar features. For example, pedantry, a high level of requirements for others in the absence of the same requirements for oneself, love for the established order, the ability to put everything on the shelves, simply to state.
Demanding evidence in any situation (the favorite phrase of the spouse is "I need facts, not emotions."
But there is absolutely nothing about him. I understand that epileptoids are sometimes cruel, jealous, they love to lead very much. In childhood, as a rule, very difficult teenagers. It's not about him at all. He is not cruel, absolutely not jealous, as a child he was a wonderful baby and an absolutely trouble-free teenager. I know this from his mother, and she was a fair woman. I have known him since the age of 20, there were no outbursts of rage, which I understood to be the most distinguishing feature of an epileptoid, I don’t remember at all that he raised his voice or laughed out loud. He is not subject to emotions, I already wrote here, he considers it shameful for a reasonable person, he has everything according to the rules, he does not violate them. All the more strange is what is happening now.

Then try searching for "anal fixation", an anal-retaining type. Just an obedient problem-free child comes here ...

Little in common. In the description of this type, the concepts of "stingy and stubborn" prevail, my husband is neither. There is no desire for total purity. If only punctuality, but this is not enough, it seems to me to attribute it to this group. Yes, and he has problems with punctuality, I myself would not say that he is punctual. Plus his mom adored him, he was a very sickly child, he would hardly have been forced to sit on the potty for a long time.
But I found a quote in a blog where the author talks about the stages of Freud, right about him:
"A rough draft... would present him as a very self-assured man, proud of his outstanding intellect, with an avowed rationalism and keen sense of reality, 'unflinchingly honest'. an uncompromising perfectionist. Being himself very touchy, he can at the same time, on the most insignificant occasion, harshly criticize, be caustic, spiteful, show sharp irony and envy. Or, on the contrary, he can be overcautious, try to avoid any possibility of conflict. meaning" rebels against what he considers a product of the imagination: he is a "man of facts", not fantasies. He smiles condescendingly at people who are fond of mysticism, including the "unconscious" and dreams; but if only he undergoes a small course of classical psychoanalytic treatment, he is here but he will begin to ascribe prophetic significance to slips of the tongue or slips of the tongue.Being a "man of reason," even to himself he cannot admit his own superstition. His interest in art is superficial or feigned; his true fascinations lie with mathematics, the exact sciences, technology and the new world of electronic computers. In contrast to the expressive, so-called hysterical, type, he rarely has an artistic gift and suffers from a noticeable lack of genuine charm and charm. His love interests are cluttered with ulterior motives and pretense."

There are 80% matches here.

How did the husband survive the death of his parents, uv. Ivanova? Is there a correlation between their deaths and the deterioration of your relationship?
What kind of relationship did they have?
Did you get along with them?

The death of my mother survived hard, she left suddenly, in a dream. He did not fight in hysterics, but it was clear that he was ill. He endured the death of his father relatively easily, saying that the doctors warned him and he was ready (his father drank heavily). I don’t see a correlation, we were both very worried about the departure of his mother, rather we even became close.
He loved his mother very much and she loved him too. He was the younger of two children, he was very sick as a child, she pulled him out. Relations with his father were strained due to his father's alcoholism.
My relationship with my mother-in-law was even and good, she was a wonderful woman, I really miss her. I hardly talked to my father-in-law, for the same reason as my husband.